On Purpose with Jay Shetty - 5 Stages in Every Relationship and 3 Steps to Keeping the Spark Alive Long Term

Episode Date: January 8, 2021

If you enjoy On Purpose, you’ll love Jay’s Genius workshops and meditations. Go to https://shetty.cc/OnPurposeGenius to learn more. Are you ready to transform your relationship into one that is lasting and healthy? On this episode of On Purpose with Jay Shetty, Jay walks through the relationship “ladder” of how to build a healthy relationship.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

I'm Munga Shatekler and it turns out astrology is way more widespread than any of us want to believe. You can find it in major league baseball, international banks, kpop groups, even the White House. But just when I thought I had a handle on this subject, something completely unbelievable happened to me and my whole view on astrology changed. Whether you're a skeptic or a believer, give me a few minutes because I think your ideas are about to change too. Listen to Skyline Drive on the iHeart radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your

podcasts. What do a flirtatious gambling double agent in World War II? An opera singer who burned down an honorary to kidnap her lover, and a pirate queen who walked free with all of her spoils, haven't comment. They're all real women who were left out of your history books. You can hear these stories and more on the Womanica podcast. Check it out on the I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen. The world of chocolate has been turned upside down.

A very unusual situation. You saw this tax-appasion in office. Chocolate comes from the cacao tree, and recently, Variety's cacao, thought to have been lost centuries ago, were rediscovered in the Amazon. There is no chocolate on Earth like this. Now some chocolate makers are racing deep into the jungle, to find the next game-changing chocolate, and I'm coming along.

Okay, that was a very large crack it up. Listen to the obsessions while chocolate on the iHeartRadio app Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcast. Hey everyone welcome back to on purpose the number one health podcast in the world. And I'm excited. I'm really looking forward to today's episode and the episodes that are going to follow. I know I've been sharing a lot of behind the scenes conversations with you recently, but I'm back.

I'm right here. I'm going to guide you through our next session today. It's going to be incredible. I want you to know that these Friday episodes, these weekly workshops that we do together are built to help you make the change in the other episodes you listen to. So when you hear ideas, concepts, practices,

this Friday episode every single week or whenever you listen to it is designed to help you transform your life. Now one of the most amazing things about being in this way together is that we're getting to build our relationship and I want to thank you for having invested in this community, whether you are listening to your first podcast ever or this is over a hundred episodes for you, I just want to deeply express my gratitude to you. So let me ask you this question. Do you know the five stages of relationships?

According to the independent, a large relationship survey showed that most relationships go through a similar progression of stages. See if these sounds familiar. First, there's the spark phase where you realize you're attracted to one another. Then there's the honeymoon phase. You've probably heard of that one. It's where you are in that kind of blissful state where everything's wonderful. The other person can do no wrong. Now, this may surprise you. For people who are doing online dating, it takes about three months for them to deactivate their accounts once they've been dating someone. But get this, who do you think does it first? It's the guys. As many as 28% of men deactivate their accounts, three weeks into dating someone compared to only 17% of women. But for most, it's about three months. Okay, then there's the intimacy phase,

where you start getting more comfortable with one another. Maybe you're leaving a few pieces of clothing or a toothbrush at his or her apartment, for instance. Again, it's at about the three month mark the most couples start to say, I love you. Those three words, I love you. Those three words, I love you. And guess who usually says it first again? It's the guys. The fourth phase is the commitment phase. You're making long-term plans together. Maybe you're moving in or even getting engaged or married. This phase can be pretty long depending on the relationship.

Except as we know, most relationships fail. And that brings us to the last phase, the heart break phase. Check this out. Now, I'm sure the length of the relationship has something to do with it. But according to the survey, 67% of people who've had a breakup will start dating someone new within the year, except for one-third of millennials who say they're ready to get back to dating within a month. But we don't want to keep finding ourselves back there, right? We want our relationships to be one of the success stories. Yet if life feels more stressful than ever, as is in the case for so many people right now,

how do we manage it? How do we foster relationships that thrive so that we can thrive in them and with them? How do we make love last? Even and especially when it feels like the world's falling down around us. That's what we're going to talk about today. As you know, we're spending Fridays right now taking topics from my book, think like a monk, and going deeper. Today we're on chapter five, which is about living a life connected with purpose. And meaning, the passage I selected for today is this one. We've all got a special genius inside of us, but it may not be on the

path that opens directly before us. There may be no visible path at all. Our dharma's don't hide, but sometimes we need to work patiently to recognize them. Now when I reread this passage, something new stood out to me. Instead of thinking about finding our purpose and passion in our lives as individuals, I wanted to talk about finding our purpose and passion in our lives as individuals, I wanted to talk about finding our purpose and passion in our relationships. In the book, I write about how we often need to invest some time and energy on covering and connecting with our passions and our purpose. They don't just appear magically, and so finding them involves taking some risks.

It involves trying new things, it involves being willing to look at things in new ways. And those new things won't always work out in the way we decide. Their experiences or behaviors we want to repeat, but on the other hand, they do always work out. Because from the standpoint that we've learned something, and when we're learning, we're always growing. It's the same thing in relationships. And I think if we don't have that growth-oriented mindset in our relationships, it's not going to be filled with the kind of passion and excitement. It's not going to engage us in a way

that we'll want to have that relationship for our whole lives. Instead, it's going to become stagnant. It will never truly get off the ground. And so we often talk about climbing the career ladder, but today I want to talk about climbing the love ladder. How do we have relationships where we're constantly seeking new heights, both together and as individuals?

So today I'm going to tell you about the three Ls of the love ladder and three ways to ensure that you're always climbing higher in your relationship. Now for those of you who are like J. Ladders climbing higher, this sounds a lot like work. Should it love be easy? Think of it like this. I live in LA. Now, all around LA, you've got these amazing trails, and a lot of them go up into the hills and different canyons, different caves. Now, you can stay down in the valley. That's your choice. But if you want the best, most inspiring, incredible views, like to see the most gorgeous sunset

or to view Griffith's observatory, you've got to do a little climbing. Plus, it's good for you. It's fun and you can go at your own pace. And it's healthy. And it's the same thing with the love ladder. When I talk about climbing this ladder, it's not something that's grueling or punishing, right? Sure, maybe at some moments it will be more challenging. That's just natural. But it's something you do together to take your relationship to those next levels where you have access to greater potential as a couple for longevity and satisfaction and joy. One of the biggest challenges of being human is how easy it is to prioritize safety over

growth and exploration. It's in the wiring of our brains. Yet, if we don't try new things and we don't take emotional risks, our relationship becomes stagnant. So how do we balance the two? And what is it exactly that makes long-term relationships successful? New research points to teamwork. A good way to learn about a place is to talk to the people that live there. There's just this sexy vibe and Montreal, this pulse, this energy. What has been seen is a very snotty city?

People call it Bosedangeless. New Orleans is a town that never forgets its pay. A great way to get to know a place is to get invited to a dinner party. Hi, I'm Brendan Francis Newton and not lost as my new travel podcast where a friend and I go places, see the sights, and try to finagle our way into a dinner party.

Where kind of trying to get invited to a dinner party. It doesn't always work out. I would love that, but I have like a Cholala who is aggressive towards strangers. I love you, dogs. We learn about the places we're visiting, yes, but we also learn about ourselves. I don't spend as much time thinking about how I'm

going to die alone when I'm traveling, but I get to travel with someone I love. Oh, see, I love you too. And also, we get to eat as much. I'm very sincere. I love you too. My life's a lot of therapy goes behind that. You're so white, I love it.

Listen to not lost on the iHeart radio app or wherever you get your podcasts. How's that New Year's resolution coming along? You know, the one you made about paying off your pesky credit card debt and finally starting to save a retirement. Well, you're not alone if you haven't made progress yet, roughly four in five New Year's resolutions fail within the first month or two.

But that doesn't have to be the case for you and your goals, our podcast, How to Money Can Help. That's right, we're two best buds who've been at it for more than five years now, and we want to see you achieve your money goals, and it's our goal to provide the information and encouragement you need to do it We keep the show fresh by answering list our questions interviewing experts and focusing on the relevant financial news that you need to know about our show is Chock full of the personal finance knowledge that you need with guidance three times a week and we talk about debt payoff if let's say you've had a Particularly spend thrift holiday season. We also talk about building up your savings, intelligent investing, and growing your income, no matter where you are on your financial

journey, how do money's got your back? Millions of listeners have trusted us to help them achieve their financial goals. Ensure that your resolution turns into ongoing progress. Listen to how to money, on the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Dr. Romani, and I am back with two of my podcast, Navigating Narcissism. Narcissists are everywhere and their toxic behavior and words can cause serious harm to your mental health. In our first season, we heard from Eileen Charlotte, who was loved by the Tinder Swindler.

The worst part is that he can only be guilty for stealing the money from me, but he cannot be guilty for the mental part he did. And that's even way worse than the money he took. But I am here to help. As a licensed psychologist and survivor of narcissistic abuse myself, I know how to identify the narcissist in your life. Each week, you will hear stories from survivors who have navigated through toxic relationships, gaslighting, love bombing, and the process of their healing from these relationships. Listen to navigating narcissism on the I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. or wherever you get your podcasts. Researchers Samantha Jo set out to determine what makes a good relationship.

She and her colleagues analyze data from more than 11,000 couples to find out what factors predicted the quality of their relationships, specifically how satisfied and appreciative people are of their partners. What they found was surprising. As Joel told CNN, it turns out that when it comes to a satisfying relationship,

the partnership you build is more important than the partner you pick. It wasn't the individual characteristics of the partner that mattered as much as the characteristics of the relationship they built together. Now, to learn how to build a great relationship, it's great to have an example. So let's turn to a pair who have been together for years. It's fair to say they're a real power couple. Alex Honnold and Tommy Codwell. But this pair of professional climbers actually can teach us a whole lot about climbing

our own love ladder. Specifically, their story of breaking one of climbing's most hotly contested records models perfectly the three L's of relationships that last. El Capitan in Yosemite National Park is a climbing mecher. Even non-climbers like me know about it. One particularly well-known route up LCAP is called the Nose, and ever since it was first climbed in 1958, a feat that took 45 days, people have been competing to climb it faster. But think about this, Alex Honnold's 5-year speed record of two hours and 23 minutes.

That's a heck of a lot faster than 45 days. Was broken by just over four minutes. He rang Coldwell and asked him to help reclaim the record. Over several days, the pair climbed the nearly 3,000-foot route over and over again, learning the route, testing the best and most effective tactics, and each time they used less and less safety equipment so they could move faster. First, Tommy would climb and set the safety equipment, then Alex would follow. Then Alex would take the lead on a pitch, and Tommy would follow.

Eventually, the pair did reclaim the record by nearly nine minutes, but that wasn't enough of the team. Alex was convinced they could also be the first team to break the two-hour mark. Tommy looked at his partner, took a deep breath, and said, okay, let's go for it. Everybody's like, could it be done? Could the two hour nose actually be climbed? And so it had that sort of a lure to it. And a few days later, they pulled it off, clocking in at a lightning fast of one hour

and 58 minutes. I wasn't sure that we were actually going that fast until I saw the timer and saw 157 when I got to the top and I was like, oh, we're doing it, we're doing it. Conquer your New Year's resolution to be more productive with the Before Breakfast Podcast. In each bite-sized daily episode, time management and productivity expert, Laura Vandercam, teaches you how to make the most of your time, both at work and at home. These are the practical suggestions you need to get more done with your day.

Just as lifting weights keeps our bodies strong as we age, learning new skills is the mental equivalent of pumping iron. Listen to Before Breakfast on the I Heart Radio app or wherever you get your podcasts. Hi, I'm David Eagleman. I have a new podcast called Inner Cosmos on I Heart. I'm a neuroscientist and an author at Stanford University, and I've spent my career exploring the three-pound universe in our heads.

On my new podcast, I'm going to explore the relationship between our brains and our experiences by tackling unusual questions, so we can better understand our lives and our realities like, does time really run in slow motion when you're in a car accident? Or, can we create new senses for humans? Or, what does dreaming have to do with the rotation of the planet? So join me weekly to uncover how your brain steers your behavior, your perception, and your

reality. Listen to Intercosmos with David Eagelman on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Munga Shachikhler and to be honest, I don't believe in astrology, but from the moment I was born, it's been a part of my life. In India, it's like smoking. You might not smoke, but you're gonna get secondhand astrology. And lately, I've been wondering if the universe has been trying to tell me to stop running and pay attention. Because maybe there is magic in the stars, if you're willing to look for it. So I rounded up some friends and we dove in and let me tell you, it got weird fast.

Tantric curses, major league baseball teams, cancelled marriages, K-pop! But just when I thought I had a handle on this sweet and curious show about astrology, my whole world came crashing down. Situation doesn't look good, There is risk too far. And my whole view on astrology, it changed. Whether you're a skeptic or a believer, I think your ideas are going to change too. Listen to Skyline Drive and the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts,

or wherever you get your podcasts. So why do I think this story is such a great model for relationships? Because they never would have accomplished this amazing task without using the three Ls of a lasting relationship, leading, leaning, and learning. Let's look at the first L, leading. Just like the climbers took turns doing the hard work of leading a pitch. In great relationships, both partners take turns leading.

It's like with my wife, Rade and me, we're both really engaged with our work, but sometimes depending on what we're doing, one of us needs more attention and support. It doesn't always balance out perfectly, but we make it work overall so that we each get the time where we lead and time where we follow. When I first met Rady, she was new to spirituality. She had it in her, she had it in her upbringing in her family, but it was new to her. And today I consider her to be one of my spiritual guides.

She's come to my classes, but now I feel like she's the one inspiring me in so many ways. Leading can look other ways too. Maybe you take the lead in different areas of your relationship depending on your strengths. Like, Radeh definitely takes the lead in the kitchen because it's a major strength and passion of hers which is really, really important. And I tend to take the lead with stuff going on in our business and everything that's around there because that was a strength for me.

With other couples, one often takes the lead with socializing or entertaining or sometimes with the kids. Taking the lead doesn't mean you have to take turns doing everything if it's not something you like or you have a particular strength, but it has to be divided consciously, intentionally. I remember when I first got married to Rady, we would always say to each other, okay, well, I would say to her,

you cook, I clean, that's how it works and we'll make it happen. And she agreed to that, right? It's a mutual agreement that you want to come to. It isn't someone getting left with whatever you asked them to do. So it's really, really important that you make it a mutual discussion and agreement and intentionally go over it because sometimes who leads and who follows isn't decided by you. Consciously, it's just default.

Another way partners in powerful teams share the lead is emotionally. The pandemic is a great example. With more pressure on couples and families than ever trying to keep everyone safe and healthy, trying to keep up with the work or finding a new job, trying to get the kids dialed in with school, it's way too much for one person to handle alone. But in any relationship at any time, there are going to be high pressure and emotionally draining situations. And if you can swap leads rather than taking it all on yourself or letting your partner shoulder the whole burden, you'll have a much greater chance of becoming

even stronger as a team through the process. In terms of how we share the lead, communication is key. If you watch climbers, one of the things they do is communicate clearly about who is taking the lead and when it's safe to climb. They let the other climber know the rope is clipped in, you're on Belay. In other words, I've got you. We need to do this with our partner. Instead of playing a guessing game which inclinement would be pretty dangerous, we need to do this with our partner. Instead of playing a guessing game, which inclinement would be pretty dangerous, we need to identify and agree on who's doing what when.

One of the habits I've created with Rade is to check in with her at the beginning of the week and if a super busy just for a minute or two in the morning to say, hey, what's on your schedule and what's on our schedule? What do you need my help with? And that help might be logistical, like needing me to get the groceries or not trying to get her to stay up late and watch a movie with me if she's got an early meeting,

or it might be emotional. And I share with her the same about my day or my week. Once you get in the habit of these kind of check-ins, they actually can go pretty quickly. And of course, things can change on the fly too, but if you nurture this habit of clear communication, you already one rung up on the love ladder. You've got that skill in place. The second L for long-lasting relationships is leaning.

Meaning leaning in. To climb together, especially speed climbing, climbers have to put a tremendous amount of trust in each other. Research and author, Brenne Brown, describes vulnerability as uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure. And like it or not, you can't have a deep meaningful relationship with someone without it. As Brown says, mutual vulnerability is the thickener

that binds people in a relationship. Sometimes we feel like asking for help and support makes us seem weak, but it actually has the opposite effect on our relationship. Just like taking turns leading, for both partners to be able to know that the other has their back and having that shared experience of trust can bond you like pretty much nothing else. and having that shared experience of trust can bond you like pretty much nothing else. Not only does it feel good for the receiver, it's an incredibly empowering experience

to be able to support your partner too. As physician and author John Andrew Holmes once wrote, there is no exercise better for the heart than reaching down and lifting people up. In terms of how we let ourselves be vulnerable with our partners, I'm afraid the only way to get good at it is through practice, but there is a practice that can help.

When you're in an emotionally charged situation, and you want to have a meaningful conversation with your partner, one of the best things you can do to ensure to create a feeling of safety is to call on your connection. Instead of just launching into the difficult topic, spend a few minutes talking to one another in a calm and relaxed way about what you like about each other. Recall how and why you came together in the first place. This is a tactic called priming. By talking about positive memories and things you like

or appreciate about each other, you're actually remembering each other of your connection. And research shows that when we feel connected to one another, we become better listeners and listening engenders trust. So try that little exercise the next time you need to be vulnerable and to lean into your partner. There's a beautiful quote by the poet Hafiz that goes, I wish I could show you when you're lonely or in darkness. The astonishing light of your own being. The beautiful thing is that when your partner is vulnerable with you, just being there and

listening to them actually shows them their own light and their own worth. Now the third and final L is that last rung on your ladder, it's learning. When they were preparing to go for the record, Alex and Tommy climbed the nose over and over and picked apart each section to find the best way to shave off climbing time or staying as safe as possible. It's all relative, of course, but by going on that journey of learning together, when the time came to perform, the two were like a well-oiled machine. Then once they broke the record, they decided to go for more to break the two-hour mark. We could go up this evening.

I'm just doing a little laugh. I think I'm good. In great relationships, each partner challenges each other to bring out their best. In fact, that's actually responsible for a lot of excitement and engagement that keeps couples together over the long term. When you learn together, you grow together, and so there's always something fresh happening in the relationship. That doesn't mean you have to push always

to be doing something new. You don't need to put yourself under that kind of pressure, but even just taking on a learning mindset to deal with the issues that naturally come up will keep your relationship fresh. When a challenge arises, it's like all of a sudden you and your partner in a room with a locked door and you need to figure out a way out. Almost like an escape room.

You can look at it like a puzzle to solve or you can let your fear lead shut down and allow yourself to be trapped. Eventually your partner is going to want out And if you choose not to embrace that challenge and find a solution with them, you're probably going to be left behind. My wife and I actually love doing escape rooms together. We've done about... We've done quite a few together. In part because we approached them so differently.

The first time we did it, Radi is the most lateral thinker. I was shocked at just how great she was as discovering things I would never understand. And me with my logical brain could barely figure anything out and I was looking at the time and everything else. We learned a lot about each other that day. I'm all about trying to jump on every clue

and solve it as quickly as possible. Radi is just chill. She sits back and takes it all in. And I'll be honest, far too often, she solves the clue, but I get my turns too. And the most fun is when we solve them together, it really feels like an accomplishment. The good news is that just like with the first two elves,

you can train a growth mindset in your relationship. One of the ways you do that when a challenger rises is to ask the questions, what's the opportunity here? How can we address this as a team? Now, when you're struggling financially and they don't seem to be enough hours in the day, I'll admit it.

It could seem difficult to find the opportunity, but it is possible. When Mark Pollock and Simone George met, Mark was already blind, but that didn't stop him from asking her to teach him how to salsa dance, which she did. Eventually, the pair fell in love. Then one night through a freak and tragic accident, Mark fell out a window. When Simone arrived, she said, I'm here, Mark. Later that afternoon, the doctor laid out for them the extent of Mark's injuries, including the likelihood that he would never ever walk again. Later, Mark turned to Simone and said, you need to get yourself as far away from this as possible.

Simone turned to him shocked. What I do know, she said, is that I can't handle a breakup, or someone I love is in intensive care. I'm here as long as you need me," she told Mark. When you no longer need me, then we'll discuss our relationship. Mark agreed and the two embarked on a journey of grief and of healing together. Today, they are still a couple. And they're helping researchers pioneer technology that may help mark and others suffering paralysis

and helping them walk again. So yes, challenges can be big. But if you've invested in your team, you can overcome them. And the thing is, if you've focused on those two first rungs on learning how to take turns leading and leaning. It's actually easier to embrace challenges and to keep growing together because you've developed that communication and that trust. Put all three together and before you know it, you'll be on top of the ladder.

But this ladder has no end. It never completes or concludes. It's ever growing, ever flowing, and ever moving. And it's so important that just like Alex and Tommy, we keep looking for new heights to climb together. Thank you so much for listening to this episode. It's probably one of my favorite episodes that I've recorded. I really truly believe this can transform

and empower your relationships, this applies to your family, this applies to your friends, and of course your romantic relationships. I hope you'll tag me on Instagram with the number one thing that you've been learning from these episodes, tag me in a post, I can't wait to see what you're learning, and thank you so much for listening to On Purpose. Thank you. This podcast was produced by Dust Light Productions. Our executive producer from Dust Light is

Misha Yusuf. Our senior producer is Julianna Bradley. Our associate producer is Jacqueline Castillo. Valentino Rivera is our engineer. Our music is from Blue Dot Sessions and special thanks to Rachel Garcia, the Dusselight development and operations coordinator. I am Dr. Romani and I am back with season two of my podcast, Navigating Narcissism. This season we dive deeper into highlighting red flags and spotting a narcissist before they spot you. Each week you'll hear stories from survivors who have navigated through toxic relationships, gaslighting, love bombing, and their process of healing.

Listen to navigating narcissism on the I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. When my daughter ran off to hop trains, I was terrified I'd never see her again, so I followed her into the train yard. This is what it sounds like inside the box-top. And into the city of the rails, there I found a surprising world, so brutal and beautiful,

that it changed me. But the rails do that to everyone. There is another world out there. And if you want to play with the devil, you're going to find them down in the rail yard. Undenail Morton. Come with me to find out what waits for us in the city of the rails. Listen to city of the rails on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your

podcasts. Or cityoftherails.com. Conquer your New Year's resolution to be more productive with the before breakfast podcast in each bite-sized daily episode. Time management and productivity expert Laura Vandercam teaches you how to make the most of your time, both at work and at home. These are the practical suggestions you need to get more done with your day. Just as lifting weights keeps our bodies strong as we age, learning new skills is the mental

equivalent of pumping iron. Listen to Before Breakfast on the I Heart Radio app, or wherever you get your podcasts. Listen to Before Breakfast on the I Heart Radio app or wherever you get your podcasts.