On Purpose with Jay Shetty - 5 Strategies For Calming Anxiety & How To End The Stigma Around Mental Health

Episode Date: November 27, 2020

Sid Malhotra learned from a young age not to share his feelings. Growing up in New Delhi, he watched as people in his family and community bottled up their emotions and figured he should do the same. In this episode of On Purpose, well-known Indian Actor Sid Malhotra and Jay Shetty talk about how to end the stigma around mental health that is so apparent in many cultures, specifically the South Asian culture Sid grew up in. They break down five strategies for learning to talk about your mental health challenges openly and in turn manage the anxiety that comes with them.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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Listen to the obsessions, it's wild chocolate. On the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcast. Hey everyone, welcome back to On Purpose, the number one health and wellness podcast in the world thanks to each and every one of you. Today's episode is from a conversation between me and Sid Malotra. Sid is an accomplished Indian actor if you haven't seen his work, make sure you check it out. Today our conversation is about the cultural bias that is resistant to talking about mental health openly, specifically in the

South Asian community, but in many across the world, maybe you can relay. For many communities, supportive frameworks for mental health is deeply stigmatized. My conversation with Sid will lay bare some strategies that he has employed with his loved ones that will inspire those of you who may be struggling with cultural stigma around mental health. Sid and I had this conversation over Instagram live a few weeks back during my mental health day series. And I'm really excited to share this conversation with you today on On Purpose. Share what you learn from it or any questions that come up for you and tag Sid and I on Instagram.

Sid, how's it going? It's so good to see you man. Thank you so much for doing this. And I said how are you doing today? Sid and I on Instagram. Sid, how's it going? It's so good to see you, man. Thank you so much for doing this. And I said how are you doing today? I'm good, man. I'm really excited to be here, to use our platform for something which is positive and happy. It's what I'm happy to be part of.

And learn something, say something, and let's hopefully people see some sense of positivity and happiness in their day. Absolutely. I want to take a moment to credit Sid because we connected recently on Instagram and then we were talking on WhatsApp and he just when he reached out, he's just saying, Jay, you know what? I just want to do something good with my platform. I want to help people. And I really acknowledge you for that Sid. It's It's truly special. I mean, your man in need is no introduction. Your incredible actor, fashion guru as well. But you know, to want to do good in the world,

which is what your heart really is in the conversations we had. And I think that's really special, man. So I appreciate you deeply. No, I'm a great admirer of all the words that you say on social media to help people. And that's how I was thinking all throughout this lockdown in India that it's great we have this platform.

Even you have a great massive voice today. I have it all thanks to the work over the years. So I feel it's somewhat our duty to kind of, at least have an attempt to give something positive. Especially in today's day and age, my today and today hate is selling so much and no one's spared. I remember you and I talking about it, like even you get stuff, which is the, I mean,

actors for sure. I think we have far more easy target and being criticized is a part of our job at times. Like of course, some people like some things and people don't. But when they get personal or when it's become a trend to say use your anonymity on being anonymous on social media, I just say anything on the comment section. It's just, it's sad. I think here's my attempt with so much of yours to give something out positive on this universe of social media. Yeah, I love that man. Everything you've just shared so far has already been so insightful.

Tell us about, I know there's one topic we really wanted to dive in together and I think it's really important that we dive into it together. You know, you're born and raised in India, you work in India primarily. I'm born and raised in London. You know, for both of us, being in the South Asian community, we were talking a lot about how the South Asian community struggles sometimes we're talking about mental health. And I hear that too, whether it's in comments or people who message me on, you know, DM or whatever it may be. And it's tough in the South Asian community to talk about mental health, because often we expect ourselves in each other to have it all together and kind of have a perfect life.

Tell us about some of the things you've noticed or observed in that area. And you think would be useful to people listening today. life. Tell us about some of the things you've noticed or observed in that area and that you think would be useful to people listening today. Well, I grew up in middle class Punjabi household in New Delhi, which is the northern part of India. And there I feel we, anyway, struggle with communicating, especially men, I would say, especially with our fathers. As I grew up, there is a kind of stigma to not talk about if they're not feeling well or they're stressed about something. They feel it's a sign of weakness to talk about it. And I think to talk about it and I think it festers from us just putting so much pressure on our kids in our lives. We feel like oh my god, as soon as the child is born, we need to do something which is useful.

Everything has to go to a direction of either making a lot of money or getting married, whether you're a man or a woman. And you have no other space to be weak, you have no space to be, to be, you know, saying that I'm not feeling up and about today, why I come on, go to school or go to your college. So I grew up in a house or just like that would be me and my brother. And it took me, I think in my mid 20s when I did come to Bombay when I was 21-22, I think in my mid 20s when I did come to Bombay when I was 21-22 to actually tell my dad, like, you know, we kept having conversation for the first six, eight months. And we always ended up just a simple buy, very, very courteous, but and after a year I started really missing family and, you know, you're by yourself. And I told my dad, I said, okay, okay, I'd love you, bye.

And it was just silence and he just kept the phone down. He was just off. And I said, come on, I said, it's normal than I had to go to Delhi next time and make him sit down on that sofa and have a chat with him about, why do we not say, I love you to each other in the end, you know, whether it's you and mom I mean you

and I realized that it's just culturally well lacking a sense of training or like we don't nobody start us when you were growing up nobody start us to to talk about our issues because it's considered weak and which is completely wrong because as soon as I got out, I realized what real life really hits you like, you know, I didn't know anybody in Bombay, you know, I was lucky enough to meet friends who let me stay at their houses. You know, we were barely making enough even feel it should happen in schools then. But I mean, that's a separate together, but it's it's it has to break ideas. I think conversations like these or people now talking about it far more openly in today's day is changing. I don't have anybody while growing up, we don't have social media. I mean, you are almost the same generation. And I wish I had books or I had knowledge or I had YouTube at that time to say here your talks. I feel today, I'm more at ease talking about anxiety, which we are the most volatile profession in the world,

being an actor in any field on stage or in movies or on television is never constant. It's there's always so many ups and downs. And sometimes people think that we have it all and we have it easy. But I've lived most of my life not being an actor, at least for the first 26, 27 years. And now I've lived for the past few years.

It's only today, it's been eight years almost by tomorrow that I became an actor. So congratulations, man. This is the latest. So, it's only been eight years. And I feel that's what I feel. I think there is so much to talk about in terms of handling anxiety. I think we need to know that it happens to everyone.

I think anyone's who's saying he's never felt anxious or felt low. They're just blind to themselves and to others and they're just pretending and it's sad because they feel they can't talk to other people. I think one needs to change that. But I felt especially like one of your, I think chats, which was talking about like if you're wearing somebody else's clothes, if you're living somebody else's life, it's difficult. It's claustrophobic. And I think that's what I see my friends and family sometimes going through in other parts of society, or even say us, but say actors, we have to put up a persona at times and it can get exhausting.

And it kind of took me this many years to realize to it's okay to not be in a great mood all the time. I'm not saying we outright rude, but I need to take that half-an-hour and contemplate before I go and meet people, or it's when I'm shooting, or it's when I have to deal with something that's not gone my way. So I feel, especially being an actor, it's about, you know, dealing with failures, it's still working after, you know, seeing failures, it's about dealing with failures. It's still working after seeing failures. It's a lot to do with failures.

It's not hardly in any actor's lifetime that they would say that they've always had it their way, everybody has faces. So I think that's where my expertise would come in today. It's just to tell people that it's not alone, and everyone has their days. And failure doesn't, it's never the end of the world. I don't think anyone's very few unlucky ones

really have to go through those situations that one act or that one particular day would define the rest of their lives. I think we put too much pressure on ourselves. And we need to start taking our kids to deal with emotions and talk about things as opposed to always telling them that don't talk about it, it's weak. You just have to concentrate.

That's amazing, man. What an amazing message everyone is listening and watching. I hope you're allowing these incredible insights and just quite frankly just the vulnerability that's sit sharing with. Just allowing it in because I think the overall message that I'm hearing from Sid is that there's no one in the world who doesn't experience anxiety, who doesn't experience a low-day, no matter how much money you have or fame you have or follow as you have or whatever any of that stuff we all to that next stage, when I get that award, when I get that job, when I get that promotion, then somehow this will all disappear. But that's not true. Everyone at all stages in their career and their relationships will experience

this. And therefore, we have to get more comfortable with talking about it, with experiencing it, because it's not going to just disappear or not going to go away. And what Sid said very beautifully is that it's okay, it's okay that not every day you're having the best day of your life. I actually felt more anxious after becoming an actor. I think maybe because I had no reference point of reference as to what a struggling actor needs to do or doesn't need to do then I got into assistant direction. So even even a small little job or an act film or a shoot

used to used to give me that high for the rest of the month. I rent and I've made salary over I'm assisting on a film now where I get to learn so much. Oddly after when I became an actor is all these things that are stemming in because I wasn't trained for it I don't come from a family where anyone's been this in limelight and a known face so when people say oh my god he's successful and You know so everything must be sorted what do you have you have money you have fame and you know you're working every day that have, you have money, you have fame, and you know, you're working every day, those are just, I mean, those are something they have nothing to do with, say, mental health. We have a different, everybody has their levels of, you know, judging certain situations.

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Whether you're a skeptic or a believer, I think your ideas are going to change too. Listen to Skyline Drive and the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your podcasts. If you had to give a younger me advice, for example, if I came to you like, say 10 years ago, I was like, Jay, I'm a struggling actor. I am in my mid 20s.

And I don't know when my future lies. My family can't provide me all the financial security. Do I need to have a deadline that I spend to achieve my passion or is it something I can do to just be more at present and not live in this nature? What would you say to kids like me who want to be actors or in any greater field? to kids like me who want to be actors or in any creative field. Yeah, absolutely. That's a great question. I think the first thing I'd say is that the understanding of living your purpose has as three elements to it. So passion is one of the three. It's passion, strengths and passion. So if you really want to live a effective purpose for life, you have to find something that has the synergy between these three. So if you take someone

like you, you're passionate about acting, you've worked on developing the strengths and the skills to actually be a good actor. And you do it because you want to make other people happy. You have, you talked to me about that previously where you have a desire that work has a positive impact on people. So when people are chasing their passion, the question I often ask people is, are you also interested in chasing your skills and strengths that are needed to make that passion a reality? Because if you're not willing to do that work and that sacrifice, then it's probably a better idea that you choose something else. And so having that very real honest look at yourself and saying, am I really so passionate about this, that I'm willing to work and train and develop and go through those tough times with no money and less support and less stability. And you have to be okay with that in your mind first before you experience it.

At the same time, what I would suggest to a lot of young people is that now's the time to invest in your mental health. Don't wait till something goes wrong or something bad happens in your family or in your life before you start to switch to it. So ask yourself right now, are you taking care of your mental health? are you taking care of your mental health?

Are you taking care of your physical health? Are you really allowing yourself to be in a position that flourishing boom? Or actually, are you putting yourself in a very vulnerable position where your mental health can be affected? So I would say that chasing your passion and taking care of your mental health can go hand in hand. And if they do go hand in hand, you're more likely to last the test of time. What would you have liked to hear? I want to hear that. What was the advice that you would have liked to

have here at that time? No, firstly, absolutely. I think to spend a number of hours in working on the craft, on the skill, whether you want to be an athlete, whether you want to be an actor, a singer, if you're willing to spend that many hours working on the craft, I think that's that is more important than waiting for that one break, because I remember I went into say a system direction behind the camera because I had no clue what a film set was like, and I was lucky enough to be you know on a massive film called My Name Is Khan with the best people in the business and just be giving clap and working and that took about a year and a half of my life and I

actually loved the process so it kind of also connects you with your passion. So as I said, only at that time, I was on a high. I was on a set where Shah Rukh Khan and Karjol are performing. And I get to be an AD. It's only when one gets that responsibility of being an actor themselves and trying to entertain people is where you battled with, okay, how do I handle the situation? Because you can't please everyone. And not that you should not

attempt to as a performer, but to know that it will never be 100% response or review when people see or stop or anything, you know, singing, dancing or being an athlete. So I felt if a younger me would have gotten just, I don't know, it's tough to articulate what, it would just be somebody from that feel or somebody from just telling you that this the next day that you feel is your is like the end of everything or this audition is the be all and end all. It's not life, life will give you not a second chance but I think you can't. It's doing no good to put all that focus or thing that oh, oh my God, it's work. Because you get into a negative zone,

I used to get into a very anxious, you know, negative zone, like, oh my God, if this doesn't work out, and I would start thinking about that, we can, you know, 10 days before, and I missed out my 10 days, I could have done something else, I could have done something more productive with those 10 days, but the anxiety of building it up, you know, before the 10 days, oh my God, it's on the 10th. Okay, I'm on the 1st of the week, 1st of the month. Oh my God. But it wasn't productive. I wish somebody

would have told me a product to use those those 10 days free to any big event of their life. those those 10 days pre to any big event of your life. You know, start as never help anyone. And I used to be sweating in a bunch of like nervous and we still are all actors. I think all actors to date when our movies release, there's an immense amount of anxiety that come in whether you I've spoken to senior actors, you know, whether you're working for 10 years, or 20 years, or 25 years. So I think you can't change that situation, but one can only change themselves.

And yeah, I would be looking for that practical advice for those candidates before my exam match performance or whatever you want. You know, I think, I think it's really important before my exam match for Paul Mueh. Yeah, I think it's really important you said that because one of the things that I've done is I've realized that every time I do something new or I have a new launch or a new interview or a new meeting or like I was nervous

before I spoke to you the first time. You know, and that's a good thing. Like I liked that, and I've trained my mind to recognize that that's actually excitement. That there is a sense of excitement in that nervousness. And that if you start to look for that excitement, then actually you start to realize, oh wait a minute, I am nervous and anxious,

but there's a part of me that's also very excited and like, I'm gonna discover something new. But one thing that's really helped me with anxiety is breath work. So breathing and meditation has helped me so much. And obviously, in Indian culture, meditation and prayer is a huge part of your life, young. But to really use breath work to slow down your heart rate and to bring down your

pace of breath and to deepen your breath. It biologically changes how you feel. And I think that's what's so powerful about breathing is that whenever I feel nervous, if I'm about to go on stage in front of 10,000, 30,000 people, or if I'm about to go on TV for an interview, or if I'm about to go on TV for an interview, or if I'm just walking into a new meeting where I don't know the person, I focus on breathing in for a count of four, one, two, three, four, and you breathe out for more than four. So you breathe out for more than four.

And when you breathe in and out in that way, you just start to slow down your whole body and mind and you just get out of your head. And my favorite technique, which I was trained in as a monk, but is also used by therapists and psychologists today, is often when you get lost in your head, that's where anxiety is, right? You feel it in your head like your mind's just going crazy. This technique is known as a grounding technique.

It's fantastic. And it's called the 5, 4 technique is known as a grounding technique. It's fantastic. And it's called the five, four, three, two, one method. So when you're too stuck in your head and you're feeling anxious, you ask yourself, what are the five things I can see in this room right now? So I can see the ceiling, I can see the floor, I can see the wall, I can see that painting behind you, I can see my bed.

And you say, what are the four things I can touch? So I can touch my shirt, I can touch my trousers, I can touch my, the chair, and I'm feeling the coolness of the table. I have a marble table in front of me, it's cool, but this chair is slightly warmer. And then what are the three things I can hear? So you just be silent for a second,

go, what are the three things I can hear? So I hear my wife upstairs, I hear some birds outside and then I hear the sound from my phone and my laptop. What are the two things that I can smell? So you just breathe in. What are the sense and what's the one thing I can taste? And so when you do this five four three two one technique, you get out of your head and you get into the present moment, which allows you to take a breath and get away from your anxiety. So those are two things that I've definitely used that have been really powerful for me, especially in those before something big days. Oh wow. So that's pretty much your covering all your senses. That would be interesting,

because most of us they acting workshop workshops That's what we do like a lot of breath work and and manipulating emotions It's got got to do a lot to do with with say your breath. It would be you would exhale and you know when you're crying You would inhale more differently. It's it's kind of a rhythm But those are interesting techniques now. I'm going to use it for my next event. To me as well, I think yoga has been a great, great help in recent times, recent months. I've done more extensive yoga because of the time that I get. And it's again about breadth and it's different. Like when they talk about Prana and Yoga,

the squat I do in the gym is different when I'm squatting if I would do yoga in it, because it's different kind of breath, it's a different kind of strength that you need. Yes. And for me, that has technically helped me to just, go more inwards and really observe and I was lucky enough to have a good teacher as well. So I think the addictive now, yes I do, at least twice,

twice a week, I have to, you know, go on to the mat and sweat it out. I feel sweat as well biologically, like when you run things out, like I use cardio recently now for the last year or so. As something to just get all on it's not it is fitness. Yes everybody should be fit and workout. I use it and works out for me. But I feel once people realize that you know your body, if you can't control your mind, I can control my body. And if my mind will hopefully follow. So I'm all for like, you know, hitting anything, running, cycling, and just consistently sweating. And it kind of leaves all the anxiety. I tend to have a lot of anger that I hold on to different situations or my dealings.

And I feel that kind of calms me down. I'm addicted to sweating every day. Because otherwise I would break. You know, otherwise I would go on set and I'd be in a different mood. I need to be a little different. So I feel it is important to go through your body as well. It is connected.

I feel it's very difficult for me to only to control my mind. So I kind of use my physical body aspect to relax. Whether it's your spine, whether it's your muscles, whether it's your body. It is the most difficult thing to say that yes, you should work out and be fit, but it is like, it's not going to be true. Can't deny that.

So people need to know that it's more to do with just fitness. Actually, if you do it long enough, I think you'll see the magic that happens if your body is holding lesser amount of weight or water or if you just look good and you see yourself in the mirror and you'll feel happy there and there. So, I think I'm breathing and I would say breathing and fitness is something that I use as well, put in different methods, but I really like your methods.

I'm going to steal that and try it in my next event. I agree with you. I agree with you with exercise. I think that's such an important message because we think that exercise, you do it because it's how you care how you look, but actually it's not. What you're saying is so true, that exercise is about how you care how you look. But actually it's not what you're saying is so true that exercise is about how you feel and we all feel better when we exercise. It's not about looking a certain way or having a certain body or having a, it's not about that. It's about really feeling

different and exercise boosts your mood. And the four habits that I recommend everyone does every day And the four habits that I recommend everyone does every day come in the form of the acronym T-I-M-E and I'm mentioning this because Sid has mentioned two of them. So the T is thankfulness. So first is gratitude. If you have gratitude in your life, which is a mental activity, you feel amazing. If you thank people, if you acknowledge people,

if you recognize people, I is for inspiration. We have to feed ourselves with inspiration every day. It can be a book, a podcast, a conversation, a prayer, a quote, a paragraph from a book you love. It can be anything. M is for meditation and E is for exercise. So I'm so glad you mentioned exercise because exercise is chemically shown to boost your mood. And so, again, please don't think of exercise anyone who's watching listening as a pursuit for a different type of body. That's not the only reason the reason for exercises to feel different. This is what it sounds like inside the box card.

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Listen to season 8 of Family Secrets on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Again, when I saw this ball, I'd take it a go when I did somewhere through a friend of mine to just have a gratitude journal, you know, the pinpoint things that you're grateful for. And that worked really well for me in my early years of being an actor. Even today, I do it I do it less, less or now, I would say I have to go back,

but I would say, I would thank for the simplest and the smallest thing, like, you know, thank you for a great workout today, thank you for this amazing meeting, you know, I'm really thankful, like today would be, I'm really happy that I'm speaking to you on on this platform. So, and I feel, and I used to do it before sleeping, so right, the time and that, that used to really, you know, ground me before I go into sleep and I kind of take all that positivity of the day and have better sleep, which again I feel is of people when you're anxious, people, I've heard of people who find it very difficult to sleep long hours and I've experienced it myself when I'm extremely anxious about one particular event or

or a day. I would have broke the peak and I think that's something that is detrimental to your next day. It doesn't let you mentally, physically, be ready for what you really want to be, it's actually adversely affecting your efficiency the next day, if you're next week or whatever you're looking forward to. So yeah, actually I would say this gratitude or writing down or painting it down as to the things you're thankful for would really help you feel happy before sleeping and feel more relaxed. I love this man. Everyone, I'm so grateful and thankful on that note to Sid for staying out late even though he says it's not late. Sleeping

early is also very good for mental health so that's definitely in the quarter one. also very good for mental health. So that's definitely in the quarter one. Yeah, but I want to thank you, Sid, for doing this, for taking part in this festival, for using your platform to spread a powerful and important message, hearing it from you. So many people will feel inspired and empowered to make a change in their life. The journey you've been on, the incredible success that you've had, but your honesty and openness, you stay so grounded. And I said this to you when we're on the phone the other day, you're super humble and an approachable guy. And I think that that's what is your unique quality. And I can't wait to hang out with you when I get to Mumbai, man. So I'm looking to go to it. You're the first person that I've met in this lockdown virtually. And I haven't met

you in person. So I'm on look over to that. And again, thank you so much and you keep inspiring us with your words. And you are using social media for the positivity that it's supposed to be. I remember I sent you that text of this simple window that got help in New Delhi, which became which started trending, you know, a small jl dhava. And it was amazing to see how you can use social media to in a positive state.

And help somebody make an honest living, you know, when that gentleman, one particular man put this old couple so off one particular location in Delhi and he's like, you know, no one's buying my food, I have a small stall and he was crying, he was in tears and that kind of trended. And after my family in Delhi, who I was sent as well. And they were like hundreds of people, hundreds of people outside trying to buy food and he had so much work and the best thing I liked about that guys is when somebody tried to give him extra money, he said, no, what do you want to eat? I'm just going to charge you for whatever you take, I know some are not going to take money. So I think that is a country like India. And I would say, and a thought came up, which I would want to tell everyone that, you know, if we could, as a society in India,

in any city, help one such vendor to earn an honest living by just making that trend, it would really do so much good in everyone's life. Like one person like that per week would be amazing because you know, I mean, you've been in India, you know, made so much help. So yeah, I hope that I think people talk about something try to help somebody in the real world, yeah, come on, so hopefully we can make difference. I love it.

Thank you Sid, Matt, you're amazing. I love that message and everyone should go and check out that video. It's It's incredible to see the impact of social media and Sid, we're going to do a lot more of this. So I'm excited, man. I'm really, really Excited. Thank you so much for lovely words and feelings. Thank you so much. Thank you, man. I appreciate that you've given. Hey everyone, thank you so much for listening to this conversation with Sid today. I really hope it gave you some ideas about how to take little moments to prioritize your mental health despite the weight of cultural stigma. Make sure you tag me and sit on Instagram with your thoughts about his strategies for building a personal mental health practice.

I thank you so much for being part of the on-purpose community. Thank you so much. have a wonderful weekend, and don't forget to look out for episodes next Monday and next Friday. I'm Jay Shetty and on my podcast on purpose, I've had the honor to sit down with some of the most incredible hearts and minds on the planet. Oprah, Kobe Bryant, Kevin Hart, Lewis Hamilton, and many, many more. On this podcast, you get to hear the raw, real-life stories behind their journeys and the tools they used, the books they read, and the people that made a difference in their lives so that

they can make a difference in hours. Listen to on purpose with Jay Shetty on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcast or wherever you get your podcast. Join the journey soon. Our 20s are often seen as this golden decade. Our time to be carefree, make mistakes and figure out our lives. But what can psychology teach us about this time? I'm Gemma Speg, the host of the Psychology of Your 20s. Each week, we take a deep dive into a unique aspect of our 20s, from career anxiety,

mental health, heartbreak, money, and much more to explore the science behind our experiences. The Psychology of Your 20s hosted by me, Gemma Speg. Listen now on the I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your podcasts. When my daughter ran off to hop trains, I was terrified I'd never see her again. So I followed her into the train yard. This is what it sounds like inside the box-top.

And into the city of the rails, there I found a surprising world, so brutal and beautiful, that it changed me, but the rails do that to everyone. There is another world out there, and if you want to play with the devil, you're gonna find them down in the rail yard. Undenail Morton, come with me to find out what waits for us and the city of the rails. Listen to City of the Rails on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts.

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