On Purpose with Jay Shetty - 5 Ways To Date More Deeply And Effectively for Singles & Couples

Episode Date: June 28, 2019

Whether you’re single or in a relationship, we could all benefit from dating more deeply and effectively. In this episode, I offer tips on how to connect with someone on a values basis in order to create deeper connections. We often strive to be with people that don’t share our same values, but that’s just us trying to make something work that doesn’t naturally fit. So I offer practical tips to take any relationship to that next level. I encourage you to skip the small talk, listen, be vulnerable and find someone that increases your well-being. I share the 70/30 rule of online dating to help you be more transparent about what you’re looking for in your relationship. I also share my opinion on ghosting and how to react to it.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

I'm Jay Shetty and on my podcast on purpose, I've had the honor to sit down with some of the most incredible hearts and minds on the planet. Oprah, Kobe Bryant, Kevin Hart, Louis Hamilton, and many, many more. On this podcast, you get to hear the raw real-life stories behind their journeys and the tools they used, the books they read, and the people that made a difference in their lives so that they can make a difference in hours. Listen to on purpose with Jay Shetty on the iHeart Radio app Apple Podcast or wherever you get your podcasts. Join the journey soon. Hi, I'm David Eagleman. I have a new podcast called Inner Cosmos on iHeart.

I'm going to explore the relationship between our brains and our experiences by tackling unusual questions. Like, can we create new senses for humans? So join me weekly to uncover how your brain steers your behavior, your perception, and your reality. Listen to Intercosmos with David Eagleman on the I Heart Radio app Apple Podcasts

or wherever you get your podcasts. I am Dr. Romani and I am back with season two of my podcast, Navigating Narcissism. This season we dive deeper into highlighting red flags and spotting a narcissist before they spot you. Each week you'll hear stories from survivors who have navigated through toxic relationships, gaslighting, love bombing, and their process of healing. Listen to navigating narcissism on the I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. When you're dating, tell people where you stand,

and know where you stand with people. The biggest mistake we can make is we aren't honest and transparent to other people about where we stand and the most pain point for us is when we don't realize where we stand with people. Hey everyone, welcome back to On Purpose. Thank you so much for being a part of this community. Thank you so much for listening.

Thank you so much for being a part of this community. Thank you so much for listening. Thank you so much for turning up every single week I've been loving all the feedback on our last two guests You showed so much love to the Chrissy Metz episode and then the guest before that was the one and only Gary V You gave so much love to both of those two guests. Thank you so much for sharing all your insights on Instagram and Twitter. I reshared a ton of them as well. And thank you for so much love on these solo episodes. It gives me so much confidence and conviction when I hear that you're able to learn from these sessions in a really practical and applicable way. And so today I want to give you something very interesting. And I rotate these episodes in self work and love. These are the three

areas of life that I truly want to help you master. These are the three areas of your life that I really believe. If you make the right decisions for yourself, if you make the right decisions in work and you make the right decisions in love, these are the three most important decisions we make in our life. I've seen people make or break their lives by how they make these decisions. And the most beautiful thing about each of them is that no decision is permanent. Remember this, no decision is permanent.

There is no decision you make in self-work or love that you can't change, that you can't edit, that you can't turn around. No matter how impossible it feels, no matter how difficult it feels, how hard it feels, you can always turn it around. But I want you to recognize these three areas of your life are so significant about well-being, about your happiness, about your purpose and passion in life, and ultimately, who you share that with.

So in that light, today's topic is about love. And today's theme is five tips to date more effectively for single people and even those in relationships. So these five tips and stages and steps that I'm going to give you today are impactful, whether you're single or even if you're in a relationship. And I'll explain in context how they apply to both because I don't want you to take them the wrong way and upset your partner if you're in a relationship. But I'm hoping that this is going to help you.

And I'll tell you why so many people tell me today that dating has become difficult. I hear it from my team, I hear it from my friends, I hear it from family, I hear it from so many people. And it's become harder because, hey, there's more choice. We now have access to more people through online dating. B, there's more choice internationally. The crazy thing is, around 25 years ago, most people were still getting married to people in a five-mile radius of their home. I mean, can you even believe that?

That you would never marry someone from abroad. It was so much more unlikely. And the number one way of meeting someone was through your parents. Now that's not as common anymore either in most cultures, where people are not meeting people through their parents. So times have changed. The way we meet people has changed, the amount of people we date has changed, so dating has become extremely complicated and today I want to simplify dating for you and help you think about how to date more effectively. And again, just to remind you,

this applies to whether you're single or even if you're in a relationship. Okay? Ready to go? Let's get started. The first principle that I wanted to share with you, and it sounds really basic, but it's pretty true. Meet more people. And I'm being careful here, this doesn't mean

date more people, it means meet more people, right? It means be exposed to more people, different types of people, people from different backgrounds, different walks of life, different socioeconomic classes, different universities, different colleges, different countries, different regions. The reason why meeting people from different backgrounds and cultures is important is today, the world has become so diverse. Our interests have become so diverse, and we're fascinated by different things,

and it means that we're not always fascinated by the same things as the people around us. And the important thing here is, this obviously doesn't apply to people or in relationships, I'm not asking to meet more people if you're already in a relationship. The key thing if you're single here is, instead of looking for similar likes and interests,

look for similar values. This is a really, really important point. When we're dating, we usually look for similar likes. Oh, do we both like sport? Oh, do we both like the outdoors? And those are great ways to begin an initial connection, but if you're really looking to date more effectively and begin to find someone that you can spend more time with and connect with on a more meaningful level, you need to shift to a

values conversation. And this is such an important shift to make if you're looking for long-term compatibility, if you're looking to actually build a lasting relationship, do you have the same values? Now, the way you do this is you want to go in onto Google or whatever it may be and look at a values list, literally type in values on Google or values list and a values list will appear. I'm gonna do it with you right now.

And if you can do this while you're listening to me then great, if you can't, then don't worry, you can do it later, but I'm doing it while I'm live with you right now as I if you can do this while you're listening to me, then great, if you can't, then don't worry, you can do it later. But I'm doing it while I'm live with you right now, as I'm recording this. And then there's something that comes up called examples of core values, right? And you can look through those core values. And you can start picking the ones that mean something to you. These are respect, passion, fitness, courage, education,

look through that list, and start picking the ones that really matter to you, that are really important to you. The other thing to do is ask yourself, what do you look for in a friend that will show you what you value? When you say, this is what I value in a friend, then you know what you're looking for. So with the first values list, look for what you think you want in a partner. And the second question, ask yourself the question, what do you look for in a friend and write down those? Ask yourself if those match. So for example, let's say I'm looking to be with someone and date someone and I say, well, I'm looking for someone who has the value of respect. And then when I ask myself, what do I look for an a friend? And I say respect. Then I know that those two match. And that's what you want to get to is does it match what you're looking for in

the people you want to date? And what they display? This is the key. It's not just how you're looking for it. It's not just do they say they have it. Do they display this with people other than you? I was just sharing this point with my team today that sort of applies to this. And it's that when we're going on tour or I'm going to an event or I'm going to a conference or I'm going to be a part of something,

I'm very fortunate that I get invited to be part of some amazing conferences, some incredible platforms, some incredible TV shows, Justice Yaro was so fortunate to be invited onto the today show, I was fortunate to invite to it onto the Ellen show and I was fortunate and invited to be on Red Table Talk with my wife.

And whenever I gone these shows, when I take my team with me, I'm really aware of how is the person who's inviting me treating my team. When I can see someone treat my team with respect and love and kindness and generosity, it makes me feel better as opposed to just people showing me that. So when you're looking to date someone,

also look at how do they treat other people. This was huge when I first met my wife. I noticed how she was this incredibly kind, bubbly and progressive person with everyone she was around. I never saw her cut someone else's idea down. I never saw someone be put down by my wife. I never saw her demean anyone else. I never saw her criticize someone else.

So it wasn't necessarily how she was behaving with me that was most important. It was important to me about how she behaved with other people. And I think this is really important because you want to see whether those values are reflected in that person's behavior with everyone else as well as you, not just you. And that is an important point to make that of course you should also see the value displayed with you, because what you don't want to have in a relationship is someone not displaying that value with you and only to everyone else. That's also a challenge.

So what you're measuring here or what you're looking at is does that person reflect that value not just with you, but with everyone else as well or with other people as well. And when they do that, it's a solid belief and intuition that you can have that they actually have that trait. And it's a quality that they possess. It's not something they're pretending to be. It's not something they're trying to become. It's actually a quality that they possess. And so when you see people displaying a quality, not just with you, but with others as well, It's not pretentious, it's possession. They possess that quality.

I'm Eva Longoria. I'm Mateo Gomes-Rechón. We're so excited to introduce you to our new podcast, Hungry for History. On every episode, we're exploring some of our favorite dishes, ingredients, beverages, from our Mexican culture. We'll share personal memories and family stories, decode culinary customs, and even provide a recipe or two

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Big love. Namaste. Apple podcasts or wherever you listen to podcasts. Big love. Namaste. The amazing thing about this is when people break up with people and I speak to so many people who've been through divorces or been through breakups, one of my favorite questions to ask people is what of yourself did you see in them?

So after you've had to divorce, I often ask people, is what of yourself did you see in them? So after you've had the divorce, I often ask people, what of yourself did you see in them? And the crazy thing is that a lot of people when they answer this question will say, I didn't see a lot of me in them. IE, we didn't see our values reflected in that person. This isn't true for, of course, every break up or every divorce. But what I'm mentioning here is that when we're striving to be with people of opposite values, it becomes even more difficult because we're basically

trying to force something to work that doesn't naturally fit. And so I want us to meet more people, not because when you meet more people, you know, it's not just a game of odds, that's not my point. The point I'm making is when you meet more people, you're more likely to meet people with the same values. That's the point I'm trying to get at. That the more people you meet, you have the chance of meeting people. And remember I said, meet, not date.

I'm not just encouraging random dating. I'm encouraging exposure to different people with deeper values. This even applies to those in relationships. And what I mean by that, and how does this apply, is getting to know your partners' values and starting to understand where you connect on a value basis. When you focus on connecting on a value basis, your relationship automatically goes deeper as well. Now, the second tip that I have for more healthy and effective dating is skip the small talk, listen and be vulnerable. So many times dating is totally small talk.

How many times have you ever been on a date and you got lost in that small talk? You didn't learn anything about the other person. There was a bit of flooding going on but you left and were just like, well, I don't really understand them. I don't know anything about them. I don't think they know me. I don't think they understand me. And I'm not telling you to skip the small talk on date one but at one point in your dating journey, you want to get to a point where we're able to move past the small talk and I'll tell you why. One of the first reasons is actually related to well-being and happiness even more than dating so listen carefully professor matters Mel at the University of Arizona conducted a study he and his team wanted to see whether the conversations we have affect our well-being specifically they were looking at the difference between small talk and having deep meaningful discussions. When they did this study, they found that people

who had superficial conversations were not as happy as those who preferred meaningful ones. Now, when they extended this study and made it larger, they ended up finding out that small talk didn't really increase or decrease a person's happiness, but having deeper meaningful conversations definitely did. And this is the fascinating thing that we want to be around people who increase our wellbeing. When you think about a long-term relationship, when you think about dating to find someone that you're willing to commit more time to, you want to be around someone who's going to increase your wellbeing. You want to be around someone who's good for your mental health. You want to be with someone who's powerful for your

personal wellbeing. And now specifically on the small talk element, a study from Stanford in 2013 analyzed 1,000 dates to figure out what makes people click and connect. The researchers created speed dating scenarios for Stanford University students recording each individual date and used software to analyze the interactions. The speed dates lasted four minutes after which participants filled out a survey stating whether they felt a connection or not and whether they'd like a real date. Now here's the news, here's the results. Women were more selective,

but felt a connection when they heard appreciative and empathetic language, like that's fantastic, or so interesting to know. And maybe that must have been tough, that must have been really difficult. Both men and women felt they connected more when men and women were able to be heard, share vulnerablely, and were able to align and understand each other.

Now, I'm not sharing this as a technique. I'm not sharing this because I want anyone out there who doesn't really want to be on a date to use these techniques. What I'm sharing it for is showing how deep a vulnerable conversation is what truly leads to connection. We don't just find that spark by having small talk or flirting or any of the things we think

because of movies actually builds a connection. What a connection is genuinely built on is the ability to feel aligned, understood, and share how you feel. Now, how does this apply to people in relationships? In a relationship, don't just discuss your day. That sometimes becomes small talk. If you just discuss your day, you just kind of breeze over what's happening in your life,

we start doing small talk with the people that we love and live with. It's so important if you're in a relationship already that we open up and ask these more deeper meaningful conversations and give each other space to be vulnerable with each other. And this doesn't have to be daily. It can be something we do weekly, but giving each other the space to open up, to share how we truly feel, to talk about what's affecting us. It's so important that we make this shift. Now, step number three is what's known as in research, the 70-30 rule of online profiles. Now, I have a very young team and often I'll be working with my team and working with different people and it can be really difficult to build your hinge profile, your Tinder profile, whatever dating app you're on, eHarmony, match.com, whatever it may be, it's difficult because

we're always trying to present the best version of ourselves. And the craziest thing now is that online dating stats are really high. One in three marriages in the US take place because of online connections, right? So even if you've tried it before and it hasn't worked, here's something that I want you to think about. If you're someone that already dates through apps or online platforms, hopefully ones that are for serious dating and wanting to go somewhere, this is what's really, really important.

So listen carefully. What you want to do a study from the Queen Mary University recommends is use the 70-30 rule. So what this means is that 70% of your profile should be about you. It should be about who you are, what you're interested in, what you're passionate about, and what you do. And 30% should be about what you're looking for. This is one of the biggest mistakes when we build our profile. We don't share enough information

on what we're truly looking for. We get so self obsessed in like, how do I look in this picture? What does this say about me? And do I seem funny and do I seem attractive? And do I seem like I'm fun to be around? And we make it all about us. And we don't actually share what we're looking for. And why I think this is an important point

that I'm making and why I believe this is an important thing to do is not only because people should know what you're looking for because people should know what you're looking for You should know what you're looking for When you take this step you become so aware because you have to clearly articulate what you're genuinely looking for When you clearly articulate what you're genuinely looking for you now No, you're not going to attract someone who doesn't want those things which actually saves you time See when we don't

clearly articulate, identify and share our intention, we could end up attracting the wrong person. And when you attract the wrong person, you waste more time, waste more energy and create more challenges for yourself. And I'll talk about this just for my online profile. If any of you follow me on Instagram or follow me on Facebook, you know what I'm about, you know what I care about, you know what's important to me. And because of that, I attract a certain person who not only connects with me through social media

and is part of our community, but even the people that I connect with and have conversations with, I tend to only attract people who really believe in these themes and I love that because it attracts the people that I want to be around and grow community with as well. So this is what the study found further. If you share 100% about you, that actually appeared as self-centered, self-focused, and

a lack of awareness. But if you shared less than 70% about yourself, it felt you were trying to hide something. It felt you were trying to conceal something. So people who go for the 50, 50 method, will you say 50% about yourself and 50% about the other person of what you're looking for. People actually see that as a negative. Ultimately my best advice here is, if you are yourself, you will attract the right person into your life.

Otherwise by pretending to be someone else, you will attract the right person into your life. Otherwise, by pretending to be someone else, you will attract pain into your life. And this is one of the most challenging things that we all do. We pretend to be someone we're not, we attract pain, and then we go back to reality. Save yourself that time, save yourself that energy and save yourself that money. Now, how does a 70-fedie rule apply if you're in a relationship? Well, it's simple. Make sure that in your life, you're articulating what you need in that 30%.

So much of our life, we talk about who we are and we stand for who we are, but we don't articulate to our partners what we really need from them. And that's an ongoing process. Just because you've got married or just because you've got engaged or just because you've been dating for a few years now, it doesn't mean you totally understand

each other. And the biggest mistake we can make is we think someone can read our minds. Here's the truth. No matter how much time you've spent with someone, no matter how much connection you feel, no one can read your mind all of the time. Don't expect that of anyone. Conquer your New Year's resolution to be more productive with the Before Breakfast podcast

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This is really important to me and I've made lots of videos about this when it comes to ghosting, when it comes to not replying, when it comes to people needing closure. One of my most important piece of dating advice is this, tell people where you stand or know where you stand with people. I'll repeat that again. When you're dating, tell people where you stand and know where you stand with people. The biggest mistake we can make is we aren't honest and transparent to other people about where we stand. And the most pain point for us is when we don't realize

where we stand with people. See, we can't force someone to be honest with us. Unfortunately, you can't force someone to tell you where you stand with them, but you can start becoming honest with yourself about where you think you stand with them. And when you're honest about where you think you stand with someone, don't take it personally. If someone doesn't give you closure, if someone ghosts you, if someone doesn't reply to

your message, please don't take it and think you're wrong. Please don't take it that personally that you've made a mistake here because guess what, a lot of people just don't respond, a lot of people just don't get back to you. And yes, that means they're not interested in you, but that does not mean you're weird, messed up or confused. That doesn't mean that immediately. That doesn't mean that as a default. So remember this principle, tell people where you stand and know where you stand with people. Be really honest and transparent with people if you're not interested in them. Do not lead people on it. It can get so much more worse and messy. And the

challenges that karma will come back and you'll probably have the same thing done to you. And the other important thing, no way you stand with people. Get really honest, ask for honest answers, move on and be really reflective about what you're genuinely seeing. If you've got to read into signals to think someone likes you and they're not being honest about it, ask for it, ask for that honesty, request it. You don't have to look far to tell whether someone likes you or not, right? Like it's not that complicated. If you're having to convince yourself that someone likes you, chances are they don't like you. So it's so much more easier to either be honest with yourself or

to be open with yourself about what that looks like. And this is really important in our relationships, if you important in our relationships, if you're in a relationship, to really give regular updates to each other on how things are moving and how things are going. See, everyone loves updates, reports, and feedback regularly. Actually, one of the most amazing things

that happened in the corporate world a couple of years ago or a transition they're trying to make is that they shifted yearly reviews to monthly reviews. They found that people preferred learning about their performance every month as opposed to their performance every year. See, when you find out about how you're doing after a year, you're kind of like, well, why didn't you tell me

that sooner? I could have changed, I could have adapted. And this is why so many breakups, so many divorces, so many big things happen in relationships is because we bottle up how we feel about the other person. We don't tell the other person where we stand and we don't know where we stand with the other person. So even if you're in a relationship, even if you're married, you're engaged, you've been dating for years, it's so important to give your partner regular updates and check ins and letting each other know how you feel

right now. Me and my wife do this all the time. We constantly tell each other like we feel like we're in a really good space now. We've evolved from this. We've learned how to have this disagreement. We've learned how to argue about this. We've propelled because we've grown in this way. And when you're having that conversation with each other, you're both giving yourself

that conviction, that confidence that you're growing together. The last thing you want is your partner turns up to you after 12 months and says, this isn't working and you never talked about it. This regular check-in allows you that opportunity. And one of the things that me and my wife do is that we really try and focus in on the different areas of our life that we're working on and give each other feedback and import onto how we've progressed. And the fifth and final step that I wanted to share with you today when it comes to dating is for those of us who are introverted or insecure, it's okay to go prepared with questions.

Right? And you don't want to turn up on your first day and be like, do you believe in love? Like, you know, you don't want to go in and ask one of those really deep, profound questions, but uncommon questions that get the conversation flowing. So things like, who's the most fascinating person you've ever met? Dad's going to help you learn so much more about the other person and just, uh, what did you do last Saturday, right? Like, that's a good question to get going, but you want to go further. When someone tells you about the most fascinating person they've met, it shows you what they think is interesting. It shows you what they value without telling you what they're interests and values are. It starts telling you about what they

might be intrigued by. Another question, amongst your friends, what are you best known for? Asking people that can let you know whether they're shy or arrogant, whether they are confident or not. It helps you understand what their friends are like. Another question, where would your family be most surprised to find you? Right. What is it about them that you can find out through this question? That's fun and playful.

And then a couple others that I wanted to share with you. What's been the most significant plot twist in your life? I love asking this question to people because it tells you how they deal with challenges. It also allows them an opportunity to be open up. Notice how all these questions are fun. Notice how all these questions are not asking for what they're asking for, right? You're not saying what's the worst moment of your life that took it hard to change from. You're not asking that because no one wants to answer that question. You're not asking the question of something like, you know, like, what's your deepest darkest secret, which no one wants to answer.

So these questions are framed effectively to learn about the other person, but in a playful way. If you unexpectedly won $10,000, what would you spend it on? Again, you get to see what that person values once and is chasing in life. And then what's the most spontaneous thing you've ever done? These are just examples of questions you can take

into dates so that you don't feel as insecure, so that you don't feel like you're struggling for conversation, so that you don't feel awkward, so that you don't feel like you're to feel every awkward silence with that awkward laugh or that awkward smile or whatever it may be that you don't feel like you're to feel every awkward silence with that awkward laugh or that awkward smile or whatever it may be that you currently do. It's okay to go prepared.

It's not uncommon to have a list of uncommon questions and go prepared. And this applies even whether you're in a relationship. I love long drives with my wife and sometimes I'll annoy her because I'll turn down the music and I'll say, look, I just wanna ask you these questions and I'll ask you these questions. Are we getting to these really deep meaningful conversations when we're on a long drive?

And I love them because I learned so much about her that way. I learned so much about her through an uncommon question rather than just, hey, how was your day? What have you got? What are you working on at the moment? All those things that, you know, after a while, you realize the routine of your partner, you recognize what you're both up to. We need to ask those uncommon questions,

to start having the uncommon relationship, which is full of love, full of laughter, and full of life. So these are the five ways to create a more effective and healthy dating life, whether you're single or you're in a relationship. These are the five tips that I recommend that you practice. I'd love for you to test out one this week.

Just take the one that is most resonated with you. Share on Instagram, practice it for a week, try it as an experiment and let me know how it impacts and affects your life. Thank you so much for listening. I'm genuinely so grateful. I appreciate each and every one of you. Thank you so much for listening. I'm genuinely so grateful. I appreciate each and every one of you. Thank you so much.

Thank you so much for listening through to the end of that episode. I hope you're going to share this all across social media. Let people know that you're subscribed to on purpose. Let me know. Post it. Tell me what a difference it's making in your life. I would love to see your thoughts. I can't wait for this incredibly conscious community we're creating of purposeful people. You're now a part of the tribe, a part of the squad. Thank you for being here. I can't wait to share the next episode with you. The world of chocolate has been turned upside down. A very unusual situation.

You saw this tax of cash in our office. Chocolate comes from the cacao tree, and recently, varieties of cacao, thought to have been lost centuries ago, were rediscovered in the Amazon. Now some chocolate makers are racing deep into the jungle to find the next game-changing chocolate, and I'm coming along. Listen to obs obsessions, wild chocolate. On the iHeart radio app, Apple Podcasts. Or wherever you get your podcast.

Regardless of the progress you've made in life, I believe we could all benefit from wisdom on handling common problems. Making life seem more manageable, now more than ever. I'm Eric Zimmer, host of the One-Dee Feed Podcast, where I interview thought-provoking guests who offer practical wisdom that you can use to create the life you want. 25 years ago, I was homeless and addicted to heroin. I've made my way through addiction recovery, learned to navigate my clinical depression, and figured out how to build

a fulfilling life. The One You Feed has over 30 million downloads and was named one of the best podcasts by Apple Podcasts. Oprah Magazine named this is one of 22 podcasts to help you live your best life. You always have the chance to begin again and feed the best of yourself. The trap is the person often thinks they'll act once they feel better. It's actually the other way around. I have had over 500 conversations with world-renowned experts and yet I'm still striving to be better. Join me on this journey.

Listen to the one you feed on the iHeartRadio app Apple Podcast or wherever you get your podcasts. I am Miyaan Levan Zant and I'll be your host for The R Spot. Each week listeners will call me live to discuss their relationship issues. Nothing will tear a relationship down faster than two people with no vision. Does y'all are just flopping around like fish out of water? Mommy, daddy, your ex, I'll be talking about those things and so much more. Check out the R-Spot on the iHeart video app Apple Podcasts or wherever you listen to podcasts.

much more. Check out the R-Spot on the iHeart video app Apple Podcasts or wherever you listen to podcasts.