On Purpose with Jay Shetty - 6 Communication Mistakes We Make in Relationships and How to Fix Them

Episode Date: February 4, 2022

Do you want to meditate daily with me? Go to go.calm.com/onpurpose to get 40% off a Calm Premium Membership. Experience the Daily Jay. Only on CalmWhat can you do to strengthen your relationship? What have you done so far to keep your relationship loving and harmonious? Have you recognized the setbacks that could potentially affect it? There are a lot of factors that can impact the bond you have with your significant other. All we need is to recognize them and deal with them with an open mind.In this episode, Jay Shetty shares the common mistakes we consciously or unconsciously make throughout our relationships and how we can pivot from them to stay in love, in peace, and united.   Want to be a Jay Shetty Certified Life Coach? Get the Digital Guide and Workbook from Jay Shetty https://jayshettypurpose.com/fb-getting-started-as-a-life-coach-podcast/ Key Takeaways:00:00 Intro01:52 What defines the quality of our lives?03:41 Mistake #1: When our partner is sharing their pain, we choose to complain07:46 Mistake #2: We’re scared to say we need distance or space from our partner12:30 Mistake #3: We use safe or unhealthy language16:36 Mistake #4: Honesty plus love has to be the way it works19:46 Mistake #5: Communicate how you want them to improve 22:50 Mistake #6: Stop trying to get their respect indirectlyLike this show? Please leave us a review here - even one sentence helps! Post a screenshot of you listening on Instagram & tag us so we can thank you personally!See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

I'm Jay Shetty and on my podcast on purpose, I've had the honor to sit down with some of the most incredible hearts and minds on the planet. Oprah, Kobe Bryant, Kevin Hart, Louis Hamilton, and many, many more. On this podcast, you get to hear the raw real-life stories behind their journeys and the tools they used, the books they read, and the people that made a difference in their lives so that they can make a difference in hours. Listen to on purpose with Jay Shetty on the I Heart Radio app, Apple podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Join the journey soon. What if you could tell the whole truth about your life, including all those tender and visible things we don't usually talk about?

I'm Megan Devine. Host of the podcast, it's okay that you're not okay. Look everyone's at least a little bit not okay these days, and all those things we don't usually talk about, maybe we should. This season, I'm joined by stellar guests like Abbermote, Rachel Cargol, and so many more. It's okay that you're not okay. New episodes each and every Monday, available on the iHeartRadio app or wherever you listen to podcasts. I'm Munga Shatekler, and it turns out astrology is way more widespread than any of us want

to believe. You can find it in major league baseball, international banks, kpop groups, even the White House. But just when I thought I had a handle on this subject, something completely unbelievable happened to me and my whole view on astrology changed. Whether you're a skeptic or a believer, give me a few minutes because I think your ideas are about to change too. Listen to Skyline Drive on the iHeart radio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts.

How can we share honestly with love? Ask yourself that always, when you're going to share something, how can you share with love? I've been thinking about this a lot lately also, is that love is what changes someone's life and heart. There's a beautiful quote by Russell Barkley, where he said that, the people who need the most love, often ask for it in the world.

And I just want to start off by saying welcome to all of our listeners who've always been with us and welcome to all of our new listeners. I am blown away by just how many incredible new listeners we've had in the last seven to 10 days. And I want to thank you all for joining me on this journey. I really hope that on purpose is serving you. I really hope and believe that on purpose is trying to help you get to the next level in your life. And I am just so grateful that you're taking the time

to be present here with me every single week. We have new episodes on Monday and Friday. We have hundreds of episodes in our library with some phenomenal guests and themes and topics that I truly believe will be powerful even this year. And of course, you're here right now. Thank you for tuning in. Thank you for being here. Thank you for leaving reviews.

They mean so much to podcasters. And when I read your reviews, I feel so humbled, I feel so grateful and I feel so touched. And it truly, truly is phenomenal to see the love that you all have for this show. So today I wanna dive straight in because we all know when we think about the question, what defines the quality of our life? The number one answer is relationships. The studies say it, the science says it, the spiritual

texts say it, relationships are what creates quality, meaning in our life. And when you ask yourself the question, well, what makes a good relationship? The answer is, people say, love, people say trust. And truly, it's communication. Communication is the heartbeat of a relationship and relationships are the heartbeat of our lives. What makes a good life?

Good relationships. What makes good relationships? Good communication. So today's episode is dedicated to the communication mistakes and mishaps in our life and how to improve them. Now I'm going to get really specific, really dulled in. We're going to look at some fascinating research as well in this space.

And I want to make sure that you take an opportunity to journal, make notes, take screenshots, whatever it is that works for you. So let's dive straight in. When we think about mistakes we make in our communication in our relationships, maybe some of the mistakes you make, you don't even know you're making. And I'm gonna be sharing a lot of mistakes today

that you may not even be aware of mistakes and we're really not aware of the consequences or the damaging effects of that kind of language and communication. Now, there are other mistakes we make where I know you're already thinking, Jay, how do you know? Why do you know? I know exactly what I'm doing wrong. I'm already aware, but I'm struggling to make the shift. I'm struggling to actually figure this out. And we're going to dive into both of those today. So here's the first mistake we make.

When our partner is sharing their pain, we choose to complain. Don't complain when they're sharing their pain. Their moment of vulnerability should be received with empathy, not with your complaint. If your partner is complaining about their pain and what they're experiencing, that is not your opportunity and your moment to share what you're struggling with. Let's say your partner comes home from work and you come home from work at the same time and they say to you, I had a really tough day today. That is not the time to say, I had a really tough day too. That is not the time to say, I've had a tough week. That is not the time to say, tell me about it.

I feel the same every week. That is not the time to say, yeah, I it, I feel the same every week. That is not the time to say, yeah, I need to tell you about this. That's the time to say, tell me more. What's going on? How are you feeling? Do you want to talk about it? Those simple switches create space. We think that our pain connected to their pain creates space. Actually, when we meet their pain with our pain, we remove space. We remove the sanctity and the sacredness of what's about to happen in this vulnerable, intimate,

connected moment with someone we love. When we're able to accept that they want to share their pain, let's meet this with compassion, with empathy, with openness. Let's ask them about it. You actually develop your relationship. Now, why do we do this? Why do we choose to complain when someone else shares their pain? The first thing is, we've been suppressing it.

We've been keeping it locked inside because we didn't want to bother someone. We wanted to be a people pleaser. We didn't want to weigh someone down. So we've been holding it all in. And now as soon as someone's opened up, we open up, too. So we're opening up, not because someone hasn't allowed us to open up,

but because we haven't allowed ourselves to open up. So the moment you spot that psychologically, someone else has given themselves permission to be vulnerable and open, you finally give yourself permission. The only issue is you're giving yourself permission at a time when their pain needs to be a priority. So that's one of the reasons why we do it. Another reason why we do it is because we want to be seen. We want to be heard.

We want to feel like we can get some empathy and sympathy too. We want to feel like we can get some love and understanding too. We feel, well, if they want some love and understanding right now, I need some too. I'm struggling. I'm carrying all this weight. I'm dealing with all this going on right now and they don't even know. But again, our sharing in that moment doesn't get the response we want.

Because what the other person now feels is they don't really want to listen to me. Or if they're really loving and caring, they then shift it onto us and we forget about them. Take a moment to say, tell me more. Do you want to talk about it? How's it going? What's up? Walk through it.

And then ask them, Hey, I actually wanted to tell you about my day too. When's the best time? When you've just helped someone through something, it's an instinctual response to say, All right, well, let's talk about me now or let's focus on me now. And that kind of ping pong, pain reflection doesn't really solve the problem because that person is still processing and digesting what you've just shared and what you've learned together. And now asking them to focus on you, distracts them from their pain. Don't complain when they're sharing their pain.

It's a big mistake we make in our relationships and something we can easily solve. We just have to resist the urge of being validated in that moment and in that time, knowing that we'll actually be better validated if we postpone the sharing of how we feel. Mistake number two, a lot of people are scared to say they need distance or space from their partner. Raise your hands right now if you enjoy a long time or your own friend time away from

your partner. I am guessing that nearly every person who's listening right now is raising their hands, even if you're walking a dog or you're editing or you're cooking food as long as you're not driving, please do not do this if you're driving. Ever else, raise your hand. And all of us have raised our hands. We all enjoy alone time. We all enjoy our time in solitude.

But here's what we do wrong. We say to our partner, I just need space this weekend. Oh, you know what? I just need some time out. When we say that, most people hear that and they take it personally. They think you want space from them. They think you want space from them. They think you want distance from them. And really what you're saying is,

I want space for myself, right? Like when I say I want space, I'm not saying I want space from anyone else that may be part of it, but what I'm really saying is I want space for myself to do some reading, to do some journaling, to dive into some meditation, to do some work, whatever it may be. Communicate why you need space and what you are using it for. If you simply say what you want, but not why you want it, or how you're going

to use it, that what can be massively misinterpreted. So many people in relationships are struggling because they tell their partner what they want, but not why they want it, or how they're going to use it. If you say to your partner, I just want time. Now you may be saying, well, Jay, your partner should just understand.

Sure, great if they do, but the majority of us love an explanation. The majority of us would love some clarity. And actually, if we don't provide clarity, we let the other person populate the open space. And when someone populates with their imagination and their fatigue, right, imagination fatigue are a terrible recipe.

Like those are bad ingredients when they go together. If you're tired and exhausted, and you let your imagination loose, chances are you're going to come to a pretty scary realization or a pretty scary takeaway. And that's why a lot of people when they're tired and their imagination runs wild and they hear the words, I need space, they go, oh, they're bored of me.

Oh, they don't want to be around me. Oh, maybe I'm not interesting enough. And self-doubt is such a big thing that we all deal with that we can't just expect our partners to be fully secure, confident human beings. If you expect your partner to be a fully evolved, mature, emotionally intelligent, confident human being,

we're kidding ourselves. Because the truth is we're not that either. So don't expect that completion and perfection from your partner and fill in the gaps for them, help answer some of those questions, help color it in a little bit by providing a little bit of clarity. What do you lose? Sure, it affects your ego, sure it affects your desire that we should just understand each other, we should be able to read each other's minds. But why do we want to do that? Why not help them out?

Why not give really clear direction as to what we're going to do? Now, with this point, I also want to make the principal clear that it is healthy to spend time apart. Study show that healthy relationships follow their 70-30 rule. So the most harmonious relationships spend about 70% of their time together and 30% of their time apart.

Now this has been really difficult during the pandemic because we've all been around each other more than ever. But as things begin to open up, it's really healthy to think, well, how can we spend 70% of our time? Now this doesn't just apply to work. I believe it applies to our evenings and our weekends as well. And making sure that your partner gets away

for a weekend with their friends or on their own and making sure you get away on your own or with your friends is a really healthy commitment to make. Once a year, make sure your partner has time to go away with their friends and make sure you have time to go away with your friends. Now you may say, well, Jay, where does the time come from? Even if it's just three days, even if it's just a weekend, even if it's just a day, it's

so healthy to take that time apart for each other, for yourself, for your children, for every single person involved in this relationship. And I think we're so scared that spending time apart actually will pull us apart, but spending time apart can actually pull you closer together and brings you back to this really beautiful connection. Now, the next mistake we make in our relationships is we use what I call unsafe or unhealthy language. Language that pertains to things ending, language that pertains to things being over,

language that borderlines threatening, any language that puts the relationship into question or puts your connection into question or makes broad overarching statements that are not factually correct can be really damaging in a relationship. Things like, well, I guess it's over then. Well, I guess you're over me. Well, it seems like you don't care at all anymore. That's not really true, is it? Right, that's not really true to someone not care anymore at all.

You may feel that way, but is that reality? We need to look at what's real as different from how we feel. You may feel that someone doesn't care anymore, but investigate that feeling a bit deeper yourself before you communicate. I'm Jay Shetty and on my podcast on purpose, I've had the honor to sit down with some of the most incredible hearts and minds on the planet.

Oh, pro. Everything that has happened to you can also be a strength builder for you if you allow it. Kobe Bryant. The results don't really matter. It's the figuring out that matters. Kevin Haw. It's not about us as a generation at this point.

It's about us trying our best to create change. Louren's Hamilton. That's for me being taking that moment for yourself each day, being kind to yourself, because I think for a long time I wasn't kind to myself. And many, many more. If you're attached to knowing, you don't have a capacity to learn. On this podcast, you get to hear the raw real-life stories behind their journeys and the tools they

used, the books they read, and the people that made a difference in their lives so that they can make a difference in hours. Listen to on purpose with Jay Shetty on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. Join the journey soon. Hi, I'm David Eagleman. I have a new podcast called Inner Cosmos on iHart. I'm a neuroscientist and an author at Stanford University and I've spent my career exploring the three-pound universe in our heads. On my new podcast, I'm going to explore the relationship between our brains and our experiences

by tackling unusual questions, so we can better understand our lives and our realities, like does time really run in slow motion when you're in a car accident? Or can we create new senses for humans? Or what does dreaming have to do with the rotation of the planet? So join me weekly to uncover how your brain steers your behavior, your perception, and your reality. Listen to Intercosmos with David Eagelman on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

In the 1680s, a feisty opera singer burned down an unnery and stole away with her secret lover. In 1810, a pirate queen negotiated her cruiseway to total freedom with all their loot. Queen negotiated her cruise way to total freedom, with all their loot. During World War II, a flirtatious gambling double agent helped keep D-Day a secret from the Germans. What do these stories have in common? They're all about real women who were left out of your history books. If you're tired of missing out, check out the Womanica podcast, a daily women's history podcast highlighting women you may not have

heard of but definitely should know about. I'm your host Jenny Kaplan and for me, diving into these stories is the best part of my day. I learned something new about women from around the world and leafyling amazed, inspired and sometimes shocked. Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. One of the biggest mistakes we make is we communicate our feelings without investigating them or without being curious about them. If we get curious and investigate, okay, well, I feel like they don't care about me anymore, at all.

Let me investigate that. Okay, that's not true. Last week, when they brought me dinner, they ordered dinner. I could tell they cared about me. Okay, you know what? This morning, actually, they asked me if I, you know, if I wanted to sleep in a little more. Okay, so let me investigate. Okay, so when do I feel that way? Okay, well, when they come home late from work, that's when I feel that way. Okay, when they don't clean up after dinner, that's when I feel that way. So it's not that they don't care at all.

It's that there are times of the day when I feel they don't care. What don't they care about? I feel like they don't care about my time. Okay, so it's not that they don't care at all. It's that there are certain times that I don't feel they care about my time. Now when you communicate to them, you say, hey, there are a couple of times a day where I feel you don't care about my time, but I also want to acknowledge that there are times this week that you've made me feel so loved. You've made me feel so appreciated, but I wanted to understand why you do certain things and how

that makes me feel at those times. Notice how you are communicating and having a completely different conversation. Now, this is without a doubt one of the biggest issues in relationships because what we're doing is we do none of the thinking and expect our partner to do all the thinking. So we just want to feel and we want our partners to think and feel. We don't want to do any thinking, we don't want to do any reflecting, we don't want to do any introspecting, and we go and dump all of it onto them, and we expect them to think, feel, reflect, and introspect in that moment. Now, when you go to that person and say, Hey, I don't feel you care at all. The first thing that comes to their mind is,

but I just, I just brought you coffee this morning. And you're like, yeah, yeah, yeah, but not, but that's not what I mean. And they're like, but what do you mean? Like I ordered dinner for you last week. Like, you know, I was looking out for you and you were working hard. And you're like, yeah, but not that, that's not what I mean.

So then they're saying, well, give me an example. And now you go into something when they're already on the defensive, you're on the offensive and trying to prove a point. And now you get lost in an argument that no one wants to be in. Don't use unsafe threatening or unhealthy language in your relationship. It will truly create so many dents

and so many blemishes and so many cuts and wounds that they're really hard to repair and heal. Don't put your partner in a position where you're not noticing the good, as well as noticing the challenges. And recognize that when you share the challenges, make sure you also share the positives and the powerful things that they do, because otherwise someone feels underappreciated. Someone feels completely unlooked or overlooked.

I want to share with you the biggest news of the year. How many of you want to meditate? I can see your heads nodding, I can see you raising your hands, I can see you saying, yes, Jay, I really want to learn to meditate. How many of you would like to learn to meditate with me every single day? Now I already know what the answer is because I know how many messages, DMs, reviews, notes that I get saying, Jay, I'd love to meditate with you. Last year we took meditation to Instagram and I meditated for around 40 days live and

20 million of you tuned in. Now I am taking that same focus, that same presence to calm. I've partnered up with Calm to release a new series called The Daily J, where you can meditate with me every single day for seven minutes to make it a real habit. I would love for you to come and join me and take part in building a really powerful meditation practice and guess what we're going to do it together. Head over right now to calm.com forward slash J to get 40% off a premium membership that's calm.com forward slash J. Point number four is honesty plus love.

Honesty plus love has to be the way it works. I've been reading this great book called The Culture Code and there's a brilliant example of it of the San Antonio Spurs coach, Popovich. Now I didn't know who this individual was because I'm not as familiar with basketball and the history in basketball as I am with football or soccer. But this really stuck out to me and I wanted to share this with you.

This is from the book called The Culture Code. And when they interviewed his assistant coach, he said, a lot of coaches can yell or be nice. But what Pop does is different, says assistant coach, Chip Engeland. He delivers two things over and over. He'll tell you the truth. And then he'll love you to death.

And I think when we bring these two things together, when we unify this approach in our language with our partners, it transforms everything. Because what we do is one or the other. We either love them to death, but inside we're not happy with what they're doing. Or we're honest with them, but then we don't share that love, that attention, that absorption. And so I think that's really important for us to think about is how can we share honestly with love? Ask yourself that always.

When you're going to share something, how can you share with love? I've been thinking about this a lot lately also is that love is what changes someone's life and heart. There's a beautiful quote by Russell Barkley where he said that the people who need the most love often ask for it in the most unloving ways. Let that blow your mind for a moment. He said that the people who need the most love often ask for it in the most unloving ways. When you see someone acting out of arrogance, when you see someone acting out of cockiness, when you see someone acting out of bravado or insecurity or vanity or pressure or stress,

what they're really seeking is love. So if you meet their ego with more ego, what does it do? It just compounds the ego. If you meet their pain with more pain, what does it do? Just it increases the pain. If you meet their arrogance or their insecurity with more insecurity, it just doubles insecurity. But if you meet their insecurity, their vanity,

their ego, their pain with love, and honestly, you've just given them what they're actually asking for without even knowing they're asking for it. Love is undefeatable. And you may say, well, that person doesn't deserve love. They're not acting in a way where they deserve love. Now, of course, as a caveat, I always recommend, if someone is being physically, mentally, psychologically,

verbally abusive, this does not apply, and I would recommend getting professional help to take care of that situation. But in our arguments of the day to day, we have to realize that situation, but in our arguments of the day today, we have to realize that ultimately everyone is simply seeking love. Now, point number five, if you're going to tell them how you want them to improve, you have to tell them and communicate that you believe they can. One of the

biggest mistakes we make when we're giving feedback or sharing things that we want our partner to work on or improve on, we put them down, we say, you never do this, you always do this. You know, well, look at someone so important, they don't do stuff like this. And none of it is actually building confidence or making them feel they can do it. Now, this study, research is discovered, and this was also from the book The Culture Code that I loved. Research has discovered that one particular form of feedback boosted student effort and performance so immensely that they deemed it magical feedback. Students who received it chose to revise

their papers far more often than students who did not. And their performance improved significantly. The feedback was not complicated. In fact, it consisted of one simple phrase. Now, before I share that one simple phrase with you, think about this. Students are beginning to give feedback on their papers, and this one simple phrase is making them perform better. Can you guess what it is?

This is what it is. Listen to this. I'm giving you these comments because I have very high expectations and I know that you can reach them. That's it. The author says in culture code, Daniel Coil, just 19 words. None of these words contain any information on how to improve, yet they are powerful because they deliver a burst of belonging cues. Actually, when you look more closely at the sentence,

it contains three separate cues, says Daniel Coil. Number one, you are part of this group. Number two, this group is special. We have high standards here. Number three, I believe you can reach those standards. He says, here is a safe place to give effort. Notice how when we give feedback to our partners, we don't say this is a safe place. We say, well, this is what I want. This is what I need. That's just the way it is. What does that sound like? It sounds like an ultimatum. And guess what? Well, I don't think you can. I mean, you never do. You never have. I keep telling you this. Look at that language and what it creates. It creates an unsafe environment for someone to change, for someone to grow, for someone to build, for someone to heal. Tell them you believe they can. When you say something,

you say, Hey, I really want a powerful relationship with you. And I know that we can figure this out together. What do you think about this? How different is that to, you know, you just never change. I just don't know where this is going to go. I have no idea. We say that thinking that's going to get a response from them, right? We all say that, hoping that someone hears that and goes, Oh my gosh, I need to save this relationship. I have to sort myself out. And actually they hear that and they go, Oh, they feel demoralized. They feel dejected. They feel there's nothing I can do. There's nothing I can do to solve this. So then they don't try because it feels unreachable and unattainable. I'm going to share with you

one last principle, which is stop trying to get their respect indirectly. Tell them you need it. Put your ego aside and tell them your love language. Gary Chapman talks about the five love languages, quality time, acts of service, gifts, words of affirmation, and touch. Put your ego aside and tell them you need words of affirmation. Put your ego aside and tell them you want more quality time. We're so scared to ask for what we actually want

that we try and get it through indirect means. For example, we start saying, oh my gosh, I did so much today. I did this and this and this and this and what we're really saying is, please tell me that you know I work hard. Please tell me that you validate me. Please tell me that you recognize me. What we want is words of affirmation, but we don't ask for words of affirmation. We

re-loaf a list of what we've been doing and they say, hey, that's great. That sounds like you've got a lot done today. And then we walk away going, well, are they not going to tell me how great I am? Or it's the other way around where what we're really wanting is quality time. And we say, oh, you know what, we're just having had any time together recently. Oh, you know what? Oh, gosh, I just saw them. They just spent like a whole weekend together and they've been having so much fun. It's amazing, isn't it? How we are so scared to tell people what we want. And we're really hoping they'll figure it out, but it's so confusing for that individual. They don't know what to do with it. Stop trying to get people's respect indirectly. Put your ego aside and tell them

respect what you need and want. Respect what you need and want. And share it openly with your partner. Don't hide it from them. Thank you so much for listening to today. I am so grateful for the amazing community we're building here on on purpose. I cannot wait to start doing live events and being with you in person, giving you all big hugs. Please share what you're learning from these episodes. Pass it on, recommend an episode, and dive deep. We're just getting started.

Thanks everyone, have an amazing week and look out for the next episode. What if you could tell the whole truth about your life, including all those tender and visible things we don't usually talk about? I'm Megan Devine. Host of the podcast, it's okay that you're not okay. Look everyone's at least a little bit not okay these days, and all those things we don't usually talk about, maybe we should. This season I'm joined by stellar, gas-like abormatte, Rachel Cargol, and so many more.

It's okay that you're not okay. New episodes each and every Monday, available on the iHeartRadio app, or wherever you listen to podcasts. What do a flirtatious gambling double agent in World War II? An opera singer who burned down an honorary to kidnap her lover, and a pirate queen who walked free with all of her spoils have in common. They're all real women who were left out of your history books. You can hear these stories and more on the Womanica podcast.

Check it out on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen. Hi, I'm David Eagleman. I have a new podcast called Inner Cosmos on iHeart. I'm going to explore the relationship between our brains and our experiences by tackling unusual questions, like, can we create new senses for humans? So join me weekly to uncover how your brain steers your behavior, your perception, and your reality. Listen to Intercosmos with David Eaglement on the I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

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