On Purpose with Jay Shetty - 6 Healthy Ways to Heal and Move On From Heartbreak

Episode Date: June 7, 2019

In this episode of On Purpose, I’m discussing healthy ways to deal with heartbreak. I share how you need to feel before you heal, why you should never define your self worth by how someone treats you and how to stop looking at love as a noun and start treating it as a verb. I know heartbreak is one of the worst pains you can feel so I hope these tips can help you healthily heal.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

I'm Eva Longoria. And I'm Maite Gomes-Rajon. We're so excited to introduce you to our new podcast, Hungry For History! On every episode, we're exploring some of our favorite dishes, ingredients, beverages from our Mexican culture. We'll share personal memories and family stories, decode culinary customs, and even provide a recipe or two

for you to try at home. Listen to Hungry For History on the I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hi, I'm Brendan Francis Nunehm. I'm a journalist, a wanderer, and a bit of a bon vivant, but mostly a human just trying to figure out what it's all about. And not lost is my new podcast about all those things.

It's a travel show where each week I go with a friend to a new place and to really understand it, try to get invited to a local's house for dinner. Where kind of trying to get invited to a dinner party, it doesn't always work out. Ooh, I have to get back to you. Listen to not lost on the iHeart radio app or wherever you get your podcasts.

I'm Munga Shatekler and it turns out astrology is way more widespread than any of us want to believe. You can find it in major league baseball, international banks, K-pop groups, even the White House. But just when I thought I had a handle on this subject, something completely unbelievable happened to me and my whole view on astrology changed. Whether you're a skeptic or a believer, give me a few minutes because I think your ideas are about to change too. Listen to Skyline Drive on the iHeart Radio app,

Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. If you don't heal the hurt of your past, you'll bleed all over your future. Hey everyone, welcome back to another episode of On Purpose. I'm your host Jay Shetty and I'm so grateful to have you in this community. And it's been really amazing for me to see all of the amazing engagement around the podcast when you're sharing your insights on Instagram or Twitter or Facebook or even LinkedIn or YouTube wherever you're sharing your insights on Instagram or Twitter or Facebook or even LinkedIn or YouTube wherever you're sharing them.

Thank you so much. I love seeing what resonates with you. I love seeing what connects with you. And I love seeing the impact that these episodes are having on your life. Remember, I'm all about wanting you to transform your life, your work and your love. And I'm so grateful that you're giving me an opportunity to do just that. So this week I asked you all on Instagram what topics you'd like me to cover on the podcast. I thought this was a good idea because I really want to understand what's gonna help you the most, what you're

struggling with the most and what your biggest challenges are and hopefully you feel that when I'm asking you, I really want to take all your feedback on board. I want to try and incorporate the trends and the patterns that I see in what you're working through. So I love learning from all of you and seeing what your biggest challenges and thoughts are so that I can try and help. And one of the most popular responses this week

that really stood out to me, and that's the key. This is what really stood out to me out of everything I look through. The biggest theme that all of you were asking about was heartbreak and breakups. Now, I know this isn't an easy topic to talk about. Maybe some of you are going through a heartbreak or a breakup right now. Maybe you went through one month ago, three months ago, or one year ago, or maybe 10 years ago.

But sometimes a heartbreak or a breakup can really leave a scar. And today's episode for me is, how do we really focus on healing? What are the different methods and strategies and approaches that you can use to really heal after a breakup or a heartbreak? Because the truth is, there are no perfect answers. The truth is, time doesn't heal everything. We have to try out different experiments, different tests, and hopefully I'll be able to share some insights with you today that are going to help you.

My true hope, prayer and meditation today is that whatever heartbreak or breakup you're going through right now or from the past can truly be healed by taking on one of these practices. In this episode, I'm going to share with you some of the biggest research around breakups, methods to actually heal a heartbreak, and most importantly, six of my favorite strategies that I believe are really ideal to move on from heartbreak. That I really believe can help you not just deal with the issue, but heal the issue. And that's really important to me. I think sometimes we focus on dealing with stuff when what really needs to be is the healing work that needs to be is the healing work that needs to go on.

And that sometimes takes a bit more time and a bit more effort. So I know that there can be so many different types of heartbreak, so many different types of break up, so many different reasons behind them. And I'm sure you've experienced them at different stages in your life. Now if you're listening right now and saying, Jay, well, I'm not going through a heartbreak, I'm not sure this is relevant for me, I'm sure maybe you've been through one in the past, which isn't the best thing to have gone through,

but maybe you've struggled before, or you've got a friend going through this. So I want you to think about this as to how you can use the information to help a friend. I know whether it's been me or a friend growing through a heartbreak or a breakup, there's always someone in our lives who needs healing. So I really hope this is going to be useful to you.

But here were the most common break up reasons. This was astounding, absolutely shocking to me. I couldn't believe it. 22% of people break up because of cheating. Right. It's incredible. I've done podcasts on this before. I've done videos on this before talking about cheating specifically. It's probably one of the hardest

breakups to go through because it's one of those that sometimes is unexpected, totally unseen. And it's one of those that kind of leaves the hardest den on our self worth. And our pride and our self confidence because we now are comparing ourselves to someone else. So 22% of people, let's over a fifth of people that go through breakups is because of cheating. That definitely needs to reduce. The one that's higher than that is 28% of people break up because of lost interest. I think this one's tough too sometimes because you don't get any closure, you don't get any answers, you don't get any reasons, it's just like I lost interest. It's probably one of the toughest ones to hear as well because it kind of feels

like it came out of nowhere and you almost are left suspicious to believe that there could be someone else or there could be something else. So this one leaves a lot of space for healing as well. The third one is 20% of people break up because of distance. Now, I know what you might be thinking. You might be thinking that just means cheating too, right? Like when there's distance between two people, is that what's really happening? This one, I don't want to say it's easier to deal with

because everyone's different, but because there's some distance, it requires a different method of healing. And the fourth and final reason which goes onto the box, other is 30%. I'm sure you can fill that up with lots of different experiences

that you've heard of either through yourself or through your friends. Now, whichever one you experience, we all know none of the experiences feel great. They almost feel like you've been uprooted, plucked out, like completely destroyed. I'm sure you feel like your confidence crumbles. I'm sure you feel that you lose faith in yourself and I get that, but I want you to know this and I want you to remember this. Someone leaving you does not define yourself worth.

Someone feeling like they've moved on from you does not define yourself worth. It's why it's called self worth. It's not called other worth. It's not called their worth. It's called your worth. It's self worth. Self worth. It's something only you can define. Self worth is not defined by how someone treats you.

The truth is that in that moment, you may start to undervalue yourself. In that moment, you may start to not recognize yourself worth. Your value doesn't decrease based on someone's inability to see your worth. Remember that your value doesn't decrease based on someone's inability to not see your worth. And this is one of the biggest challenges we face over and over and over again. There's a story that I love where a student asks a teacher, what's the difference between, I like you and I love you. And the teacher beautifully replies, when you like

a flower, you just pluck it. When you love a flower, you water it daily. And sometimes we all experience that in our lives where we literally feel plucked, right? Like, you feel like in a moment, everything was amazing, everything was going incredible and then snap in a moment, it all ends. And no matter if you saw a breakup coming or you didn't see it coming, it always feels like that. And I'm sure you've tried a lot of things. Maybe you've tried burning pictures.

If anyone takes any real pictures anymore, it's hard to burn our phones or burn our Instagram profiles or maybe you delete pictures, right? Maybe that's the new way of burning pictures. Maybe you unfollow people on social media. Maybe you rebound and try and date someone else. Maybe you tried the revenge option, whether it's a revenge body or a revenge life.

Maybe you cry, vent and share your anger or maybe you're someone who tries to hang out more with your friends. I want to share with you what I read in an article on Business Insider and the Time magazine where they tested different methods about how you can move on from a breakup or a heartbreak. And they tried three particular methods. The first one was negatively thinking and talking about your ex. I don't know if you've ever tried that before and how that worked for you. The second method they tried and tested was accepting your feelings of love

towards an ex partner and going through that process. And the third one they tested was distraction and avoidance. Now, I'm sure in different stages of your life, you've employed different ones of those strategies, but I'd love to share with you what they found. So this small study was conducted by researchers at the University of Missouri and published in the Journal of Experimental Psychology. I have to explain, it was a very small test group, but I still think that some of these results

are indicative as to how I think they would go out. The test group was 24 people, aged 20 to 37, who had been in relationships for an average length of 2.5 years. So this was really looking at more long-term relationships and breakups and heartbreak. So they tried these three different methods to help them recover. The first one, as I said before, was negatively thinking and talking about your ex. This could be a strategy that you've resorted to in the past, or maybe you've tried to hold it all in. I want to help you understand this a bit better. The second one was reading and believing statements like, it's okay to love someone I am no longer with. You accept your feelings of love, you accept the feelings that you had for that person,

but recognize that you have to let go. And the third was distraction or avoidance. Everything from positive thinking to just trying to get your attention somewhere else. To measure people's responses, they looked at how a participant responded to seeing pictures of their exes after looking at these three strategies. And they were also asked a questionnaire about their feelings. Now, I wonder which one you believe would be the most effective. The incredible thing is, all these strategies decreased the participants' emotional response to photos of their exes.

And this was really useful in helping them deal with the chance that they may bump into an X, right? When you're walking down the street, you go to a party, you go to an event, and you bump into that person, or whether you see them popping up on social media. But this is how each of the three strategies performed, looking at both the short-term and long-term benefits or outcomes of each of them. The first one known as negative reappraisal, i.e. thinking negative thoughts or saying negative things about your ex,

decreased love feelings, but also made people feel more terrible in general. They gave rise to unpleasant feelings. And this isn't surprising to me. See, when we talk badly about someone, of course, it makes us like them less or love them less, but it can lead to more deeper feelings of mistrust, more deeper feelings of pain

that we don't actually deal with by just thinking badly about them. So even though in the short term, it can lead to a benefit of reducing your love feelings, it's not an ideal long-term strategy because it can still fill you with that negativity. Remember this, when you're fixated on someone's negativity, you become that negativity. And that happens to so many of us. If you constantly and consistently focus and keep thinking about someone's negative attributes, their negative qualities, their negative characteristics, you start embodying

them in your life. And I've seen that happen to me so many times, not just in relationships, but when you start to see someone's negative again and again and again, what you're doing is consuming your mind's energy and your mind's space with negativity. So like I said, this strategy has some short term benefits of reducing feelings of love, but in the long term, doesn't help you feel great about yourself. The second option of accepting your love feeling for someone else didn't really lower the feelings of love or increase a long term or short term feeling in any other way, accepting the feelings you had for love didn't really cause a shift

either way. And finally, the option of distraction didn't change feelings but made people feel happier. So when you distracted yourself from your breakup without addressing it, it didn't change your feelings of love but it made you happier in the short term. And this is a short term coping mechanism, because what it's actually doing is you're avoiding the actual issue. You're not really healing it. You're not really dealing with it, but you're just distracting yourself.

So initially, when you break up, distracting yourself can be useful, because it just gets you outside, it gets you outside of your own head, but it can only be used as a short-term coping mechanism. It's not something that I'd recommend employing in the long term. So the reason I wanted to share those three methods with you is because those are usually the three methods that we would take on. We would either complain about the person who hurt us, we'd either still talk about how much we love them, or we'd try and distract ourselves. What I want to share with you now in this podcast is the six methods that I believe are great to overcome heartbreak to really try and move on. The first one, which might sound counterintuitive

to what you'd expect from me, but I really really mean this, is you need to feel every emotion. Not too long ago, in the heart of the Amazon Rainforest, this explorer stumbled upon something that would change his life. I saw it and I saw, oh wow, this is a very unusual situation. It was cacao. The tree that gives us chocolate. But this cacao was unlike anything experts had seen or tasted. I've never wanted us to have a gun fight.

I mean, you saw the stacks of cash in our office. Chocolate sort of forms this vortex. It sucks you in. It's like I can be the queen of wild chocolate. You're all lost. It was madness. It was a game changer. People quit their jobs. They left their lives behind, so they could search for more of this stuff. I wanted to tell their stories, so I followed them deep into the jungle, and it wasn't always pretty. Basically, this like disgruntled guy and his family surrounded the building armed with machetes.

And we've heard all sorts of things that, you know, somebody got shot over this. Sometimes I think, oh, all this for a damn bar of chocolate. Listen to obsessions, wild chocolate, on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcast. A good way to learn about a place is to talk to the people that live there. There's just this sexy vibe in Montreal,

this pulse, this energy. What was seen as a very snotty city, people call it Boseosedangeless. New Orleans is a town that never forgets its pay. A great way to get to know a place is to get invited to a dinner party. Hi, I'm Brendan Friends' newdom, and not lost as my new travel podcast,

where a friend and I go places, see the sights, and try to finagle our way into a dinner party. Where kind of trying to get invited to a dinner party, it doesn't always work out. I would love that, but I have like a Cholala who is aggressive towards strangers. I love you, dogs. We learn about the places we're visiting, yes,

but we also learn about ourselves. I don't spend as much time thinking about how I'm going to die alone when I'm traveling. But I get to travel with someone I love. Oh, see, I love you too. And also, we get to eat as much... I love you too. Mike's, we get to eat as much air as we can. I love you too.

It makes a lot of therapy goes behind that. You're so white. I love it. Listen to Not Lost on the iHeart Radio App or wherever you get your podcasts. I am Mi'Anla. And on my podcast, The R Spot, we're having inspirational, educational, and sometimes difficult and challenging conversations about relationships.

They may not have the capacity to give you what you need. And insisting means that you are abusing yourself now. You human! That means that you're crazy as hell, just like the rest of us. When a relationship breaks down, I take copious notes and I want to share them with you. Anybody with two eyes and a brain knows that too much Alfredo sauce is just no good for you. But if you're going to eat it, they're not going to stop you.

So he's going to continue to give you the Alfredo sauce and put it even on your grits if you don't stop him. Listen to the art spot on the iHeart Video app Apple Podcast or wherever you listen to podcasts. You need to feel how you feel and how that person has made you feel in this situation. You can't heal until you feel like it's just not possible to heal until you're open to feel every emotion. It's so easy to avoid it. It's so easy to distract yourself. It's so easy to push it away. It's so easy for someone to say, just toughen up. Just stop being so soft.

But the truth is you have to recognize and address every emotion. When you don't give an emotion, the attention it deserves, But the truth is you have to recognize and address every emotion. When you don't give an emotion, the attention it deserves, it actually amplifies. We think walking away from something reduces it. When actually when you walk away from it, you carry it with you. This is the crazy thing about emotions. You can't walk away from them, you end up walking away with them. They stay with you.

So first thing you have to do is feel every motion, but convert them into labels, articulate them effectively. Learn how to see the patterns in your emotions and express them and explain them to yourself. One of my favorite ways to do this is to create voice notes or write. If you're a writer, you can write, if you're a speaker, you can speak, if you're neither, try one or the other and you'll start to grow. Start to articulate your emotions to yourself and listen back to them. You'll immediately be able to figure out what the real issue is, what the real challenge is, and what's the venting, the anger, and the complaining that's going on top of it. It's so important to feel with every emotion to heal it,

because when you feel it and then you start to articulate it and you start to label it and understand it, that's part of the healing process. The biggest mistake, remember, is avoiding them or trying to run away from them, not realizing that you're taking them with you. The second healing mechanism that really, really works, which I've seen work for myself

and so many other people that I know is learning from the situation. We have to focus on what we can learn from that heartbreak or that breakup. See, it's so easy to focus on what was, then what is. It's so easy to focus on how incredible it was, how romantic it was, how amazing it was, then what is. It's so easy to focus on how incredible it was, how romantic it was, how amazing it was, and note to focus on what we're left with.

We like to replay the emotions in our mind again and again and again. We almost have this imagination projector in our life running on how it could have been, what it should have been, how we felt it was going to go, rather than accepting reality. It's so important that we learn through reality. And one of my biggest lessons around this space

is when someone shows you their true colors, don't try to repaint them. This is one of the biggest mistakes we make when we don't want to learn from the situation, but we keep trying to repaint that. This is one of the biggest mistakes we make when we don't want to learn from the situation, but we keep trying to repaint that person and say, oh, maybe it was my fault. Maybe I got it all wrong. Maybe they're, you know, maybe they need me to change.

And we start blaming ourselves for everything. Now, I believe there is a need to take responsibility and personal responsibility. But often we start seeing ourselves as the issue and not really recognizing both people's challenges. It's so important for us to learn from that situation and when we ask ourselves, what can I learn from this, we avoid making that mistake in the future. So I'll say it again, when someone shows you their true colors, don't try to repaint them, learn from that situation, learn so that you can prepare for the future,

and don't focus on what was, focus on what is as reality. The third is expectation setting. This is such a huge principle. A lot of our views on love are based on movies, music, and messages in the media. How many of your beliefs around what love should look like, or could look like, is based on movies, music, and the media? Right, we all love rom-coms, but we can't live by them. You can love the movies, but you can't live by them. The words like spark chemistry,

we expect our partners to know how we feel without telling them, and sometimes we expect them to completely read our minds. But then when they can't, we feel like our love is not like a Hollywood movie, and then we feel that it's not real. We feel like it's not good enough, that it's not love. It's so important that

in a breakup or a heartbreak, we use that reality to set real expectations. Right now, this isn't a conspiracy theory. It's so true. Let's take the story of the Diamond Ring. I don't know how many of you know this, but the Diamond Ring became a symbol for the proposal due to aging seas, brands and advertisers placing it into popular and mainstream culture. Everyone knows the slogan, a diamond is forever. Before that time, which was in like the 40s and the 50s and maybe the 60s, people didn't propose with diamond rings. But that became an expectation. And then it became the expectation that a man would spend two to three months salary on a diamond ring.

Where did that come from? It came through media, it came through advertising. It's so important to have a real picture together rather than a false one on your own. It's better to have real expectations together than a false expectations on your own. So many times, a breakup or a heartbreak is a real reality check in our expectations of an ideal relationship. And the challenge we find is our expectation or picture was totally different to the expectation or picture

the other person had. One of the fourth ways that you can really learn and move on from a heart break is you learn the difference between emotional versus physical age. Emotional age is so much more important than physical age. Being at the same emotional age is being at a similar stage in life. We think about people based, oh, what age are they? Are they three years younger than you?

Two years older than you? Five years younger than you? Five years older than you? We're constantly talking about the age of the body, right? But that has really no bearing on whether a relationship is going to be successful or not, because no matter what age that person's body is, they have a different emotional age.

And when you're building a relationship, you're really committing to someone's emotional age, not their physical age. You're really building a relationship with that person's emotional age, not their physical age. You're building a relationship with their stage in life. It's so important that you are aware of what stage in life you're at now and why

you believe that you and this person who just broke up were not at the same emotional age or stage in life. This has been such a huge breakthrough for so many of the people I've worked with, so many people I've coached and so many people going through heartbreak because it's helped them recognize that actually they don't want to be with someone who wasn't at the same emotional age. They don't want to be with someone just because they were perfect physically, but they didn't really connect mentally or emotionally. This is such a significant point that I don't want you to miss.

Now, number five is about dependency. When we have a relationship with someone, we almost wrap our identity around our relationship with that individual. Hence, the reason why we feel so much pain is when we no longer have that person, we feel we no longer have that part of our identity. And this is where in being single, in our heartbreak,

we can start to improve our dependency and community. We want the one to be the only one. We expect one person to fulfill all our needs. And when we put that pressure on to someone, not only do we push them away, we now create a vacuum in our lives that when they're gone, we don't have other people in our lives. How many times have you known a friend who, as soon as they start dating, they literally

stop hanging out with you, right? As soon as they're in a relationship, they stop hanging out with you, they stop seeing you, they stop going out with their friends. This is one of the most dangerous things to do in any relationship. So this is a great time in your life to start attracting the people you want to be in your life forever. Friends in certain areas, communities around interest areas, you start surrounding yourself and finding people who fulfill different things in your life and people that you fulfill different things for.

This is such an effective time to do that. See, when you start dating someone, it's so much better to be in a situation where you have your emotional, mental, and physical needs fulfilled so that you're able to enhance someone else. If you're looking for one person to fill that, and if you've just lost one person who filled a lot of those, that is going to keep repeating itself. That cycle is going to keep causing an issue in your life.

It's so deeply important that you create multiple relationships that fulfill multiple needs in your life and that you find multiple people that you serve and grow so that you're also passing all of that on. Use this time to build those relationships, to start new ones and to really start making yourself whole and recognizing you didn't just lose half of you. You are already full. You don't need someone to complete you. You are complete. You don't need to be with someone who makes you happy. You need to be someone who makes you happy. And that starts by building your own community. And the sixth one that I wanted to share with you to move on after a heart break

is please wait before dating. If you don't heal the hurt of your past, you'll bleed all over your future. And so many of us do this again and again and again. If we don't heal the hurt of our past, we bleed all over our future. What I mean by that is, we actually ruin the opportunity for an incredible connection, an incredible relationship, an incredible person, because we're still trying to heal our past pains. We bleed all over this new individual.

And that causes so much more hurt. It causes so much more regret and pain. Wait before dating, finding someone else rebounding revenge. All of that is not an ideal way to move on from a breakup. Why? Because it causes more breakups. It causes more broken hearts. We see it again and again and again. You go from a rebound, that person now needs a rebound, and that creates a rebound and revenge culture. When you wait before dating, you work on yourself, you build your own self-worth,

you build your own self-confidence. This is your time to really invest in yourself. This is your time to really get to know yourself. We often lose ourselves in a relationship, so now we have to find ourselves in the heartbreak. Right? We felt that our heart was full, but now that that's gone away, we have an opportunity to build and find ourself. Those are the six methods that you can use to move on and deal and heal from a heartbreak or a breakup. I hope those insights have deeply helped you

and are useful to you. Remember love is a verb, not a noun. We've been told love is what one feels, but love is what one does. To me, that clears up so many misconceptions we have about love. Love is to feel and act lovingly. Now, no one can tell us that they love us, but treat us badly. No one can tell us that they love us but treat us badly. No one can tell us

that they love us and then push us away. No one can tell us that they love us and abuse us if we believe love is a verb. When you break up with someone, when you're going through heartbreak, ask yourself, will you be shown love or will you be told you are loved? Those are two completely different things. I really hope that these six principles of moving on from heartbreak will really help you let go. Remember, try and actually practice them on a daily basis. If you need to listen to this again, do that. Find the method that works for you.

Remember, certain methods are effective in the short term, but you really want to work towards these long term methods that I've shared because these long term methods will leave you stronger, better, and more hold than you've ever been to actually have an incredible relationship, an amazing relationship, not just with someone else, but an amazing relationship with yourself. That's the key. That's what heartbreaks are about. That's what breakups are about.

They're a reminder for you to build an incredible relationship with yourself. Thank you so much for listening to On Purpose this week. Make sure you share your lessons and learnings and insights on the Instagram, Twitter or Facebook. I love seeing them. I love sharing them. I'm always doing that and I'm gonna keep asking you for the top of You want me to cover. Remember this was chosen by all of you and I absolutely love that. Thank you for crowdsourcing this incredible podcast. This is all because of you. It's all for you. Thank you so much for listening. This is on purpose. I'm Jay Shetty. Have an amazing week. Thank you so much for listening through to the end of that episode. I hope you're going to share this all across social media. Let people know that you're subscribed to on purpose. Let me know,

post it. Tell me what a difference it's making in your life. I would love to see your thoughts. I can't wait for this incredibly conscious community we're creating of purposeful people. You're now a part of the tribe, a part of the squad. Thank you for being here. I can't wait to share the next episode with you. I'm Jay Shetty and on my podcast on purpose, I've had the honor to sit down with some of the most incredible hearts and minds on the planet. Oprah, Kobe Bryant, Kevin Hart, Louis Hamilton, and many, many more. On this podcast, you get to hear the raw, real-life stories behind their journeys and the tools they used, the books they read, and the people that made a difference in their lives so that

they can make a difference in hours. Listen to on-purpose with Jay Shetty on the I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your podcasts. Join the journey soon. Hi, I'm David Eagleman. I have a new podcast called Inner Cosmos on I Heart. I'm going to explore the relationship between our brains and our experiences by tackling unusual questions like, can we create new senses for humans? So join me weekly to uncover how your brain steers your behavior, your perception,

and your reality. Listen to Intercosmos with David Eagleman on the IHART Radio app Apple podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. I am Yom LaVanzant and I'll be your host for the R-Spot. Each week listeners will call me live to discuss their relationship issues. Nothing will tear a relationship down faster than two people with no vision. Does your all are just flopping around like fish out of water?

Mommy, daddy, your ex, I'll be talking about those things and so much more. Check out The R Spot on the iHeart Video app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you listen to podcasts.