On Purpose with Jay Shetty - 6 Reasons We Fall Out of Love & 6 Changes We Can Make to Keep It Flourishing

Episode Date: May 6, 2022

Do you want to meditate daily with me? Go to go.calm.com/onpurpose to get 40% off a Calm Premium Membership. Experience the Daily Jay. Only on Calm Falling in love with someone can happen instantly. Staying in love with the same person is hard work. In most relationships, partnerships last not because of love and all the giddy feelings that come with it. Relationships last when both partners continuously work together to build trust, deal with issues as one but still recognize deferring opinions, and plan a future together with each other’s interest and growth in mind.In this episode of On Purpose, Jay Shetty shares with us the common reasons why many couples fall out of love and ways to save the relationship by keeping the love burning.Want to be a Jay Shetty Certified Life Coach? Get the Digital Guide and Workbook from Jay Shetty https://jayshettypurpose.com/fb-getting-started-as-a-life-coach-podcast/ Key Takeaways:00:00 Intro02:12 The top reasons we fall out of love05:59 Reason #1: We stop learning new things about each other10:41 Reason #2: We stop talking about vulnerable, meaningful topics17:06 Reason #3: We don’t create systems to deal with arguments22:58 Reason #4: When you aren’t emotionally available23:49 Reason #5: No division of chores and responsibilities24:37 Reason #6: Not addressing important issues with your partnerLike this show? Please leave us a review here - even one sentence helps! Post a screenshot of you listening on Instagram & tag us so we can thank you personally!See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

What do a flirtatious gambling double agent in World War II? An opera singer who burned down an honorary to kidnap her lover, and a pirate queen who walked free with all of her spoils, haven't comment. They're all real women who were left out of your history books. You can hear these stories and more on the Womanica podcast. Check it out on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen. I'm Jay Shetty and on my podcast on purpose, I've had the honor to sit down with some of the most incredible hearts and minds on the planet. Oprah, Kobe Bryant, Kevin Hart,

Lewis Hamilton, and many, many more. On this podcast, you get to hear the raw, real-life stories behind their journeys, and the tools they used, the books they read, and the people that made a difference in their lives so that they can make a difference in hours. Listen to on purpose with Jay Shetty on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your podcasts. Join the journey soon. What if you could tell the whole truth about your life, including all those tender invisible things we don't usually talk about?

I'm Megan Devine. Host of the podcast, it's okay that you're not okay. Look, everyone's at least a little bit not okay these days, and all those things we don't usually talk about, maybe we should. This season, I'm joined by Stellar, Gas like Abormatte, Rachel Cargol, and so many more. It's okay that you're not okay. New episodes each and every Monday, available on the iHeartRadio app

or wherever you listen to podcasts. There is always something new to learn about something old. Whether it's work of art, whether it's building, everything in the world has more history than we can even fathom or imagine. And so I would like you to think about the person you're within that way. They're recognized that they're never endingly deep.

They're limitless. And that you should always try and discover something new about them. P.S.E.R.D. P.S.E.R.D. P.S.E.R.D. P.S.E.R.D. Hey everyone, welcome back to on purpose,

the number one health podcast in the world, thanks to each and every single one of you that come back every week to listen learn and grow Now I want to say a huge huge thank you to you because thanks to you on purpose was in the top 10 Podcasts in the United States this week which is Unbelievable it blows my mind because all the other podcasts are true crime, or the news, or daily podcasts that have news elements to them. And for us, to be top 10 in the US is just incredible. So thank you so much to everyone who's left a review. Thank you so much to

everyone who's posting on Instagram and Twitter and Facebook and YouTube. And thank you to each and every single one of you that's recommending this to your friends that's bringing your community into my world. I'm so deeply appreciative of all the love of all the amazing energy that you send towards me. And I hope that in these episodes, you see every single week, I'm trying to share my best energy towards you. I am so excited to share this episode with you because I think it's so important, whether you're single, whether you're in a relationship, whether you're married, whether you just broke up, whether you're divorced, whatever your relationship status, I want you to know that this episode's super important because this is something

that we're all scared of. It's something that happens more often than we think, and I don't think there's enough conversations around it. There's not enough discussion around this topic. And so today, we're talking about the six reasons we fall out of love and six changes we can make to keep it growing. Right? Today, we're talking about the six reasons we fall out of love and the six changes to keep it growing. No one falls in love hoping to fall out of love.

But I'm sure many of you have even experienced this and I had a friend recently who experienced this where she came and told me he told me he doesn't love me anymore. He said he's fallen out of love with me. Now whether you've heard those painful words yourself or whether you've heard a friend go through this, it is never a great place to be. It is never going to feel right because we don't fall into love wanting to fall out of love. So, why do we fall out of love? Well, to answer that question, I want to start by

looking at the definition of what it means to fall in love. Now, falling is something involuntary. It's usually outside of our control. And to me, that doesn't sound like a good way to be in love. We want to be in love. As Shri Shri Ravi Shankar, a teacher from India, said before, we don't fall in love, we rise in love. Right? So what I find really, really interesting about that is that even the idea of falling in love and falling out of love, falling in love happens involuntarily. It happens unconsciously. But guess what? So does falling out of love, falling in love happens involuntarily. It happens unconsciously. But guess what? So does falling out of love, falling out of love

happens unconsciously as well. And so if we fall in love unconsciously, we will fall out of love unconsciously. But if we can rise in love consciously, then we can continue to grow in love constantly. Notice how we carry our unconscious, unawareness through every stage of life and that it doesn't just disappear or change or benefit us in any way. When you look at the studies in the research, 58% of participants say that breakups are dramatic or messy. That's a large portion and I know we've all been

there, we've all been in those dramatic or messy breakups. Now 64% of participants have gone through a breakup of a long-term relationship. This is where it gets really interesting. 65% of people say communication issues are the reason for a breakup. And we're going to talk about some of those key issues today. 67% of people say that disagreements between typical couples never get resolved, but they don't need to. Not every argument needs a resolution, but actually what leads to a breakup is that the other 33% of issues are not addressed and then 38% of relationships end because of infidelity. So notice how we would think that cheating or something of the sort could be higher, but

actually not that it isn't a significant number, it's still lower than communication issues, it's lower than disagreements, it's lower than addressing important things. Today, when we look at the reasons we fall out of love and the ways to keep it growing, I want to focus on the subtle in-betweens that often get forgotten. The first one is we stop learning new things about each other. Let me ask you a question if you're in a relationship or if you've just got out of one or if you've been in one before, answer this question for yourself. When was the last time you did something new together? What was the last new thing you learned about your partner?

Chances are those things don't even come to mind. More often than not, we're not learning about our partners anymore. We think we know them. We think and believe we understand them. And even more unconsciously, we expect and believe that they know us. We expect and believe that if we've been together for a certain amount of time, maybe if we've taken our marriage vows, then they already get us. They already know us. And this is one of the biggest reasons why people fall out of love. They expect other people know them and they expect they know other people. So when you expect and believe that you already know everything you need to know and they know everything they need to know about you, we stop learning new things about each other. I asked this to a friend recently that I was

speaking to. I said, when was the last time you learned something new about your partner or did something new with your partner? And they said it was a couple of years ago when they were on vacation, I'm thinking, wow, you've been together for a significant amount of time, but the last time you felt you were growing together, learning together, developing together was over two years ago. We should be trying to do something new together every quarter, right? Every quarter, every three months, we can find the time to have a new experience together, a new event, a new experience, a new experiment, a new education, a new piece of entertainment, to share an experience together, deepens your relationship. I just got back

from our wonderful few days in New York York where a friend of mine, a very dear friend of mine was getting married. And a lot of my friends had flown in from London, friends that I hadn't really hung out within quite a while because of the pandemic. And we had a whole weekend in New York. And while we don't have romantic relationships, this was friends. We made so many memories in four days. In four days, we made so many new memories in New York City, where we've deepened our bond, continued our friendship,

added new stories, and we've learned new things about each other. See, the thing is that at the start of a relationship, everything is new. Right, everything's new. You go to a restaurant, it's a new experience with them. You go to an art gallery. You go to a city You may go to Paris. You may go to Rome. You go to another place with them. You travel a lot more with them So you're constantly having new experiences and the newness of

The environment creates a freshness in the exchange creates a freshness in the exchange. Write the newness of the external environment creates a freshness in the exchange that you share. But as we spend more time together, we live in the same home, we have the same routine, we do the same things, and we hang out with the same people in the same places.

So now there is no more newness in the environment. So the freshness of the relationships exchanges diminishes. But we can change that very simply. We can adapt that very easily by doing new things together, learning new things about each other. So I want you to think about that as you start planning out the next quarter or as you move

into your next relationship, see how you can add newness from the outside so that you can learn more new about the person. There is always something new to learn about something old. Whether it's a work of art, whether it's a building, whether it's a word, everything in the world has more history than we can even fathom or imagine. And so I would like you to think about the person you're within that way. They recognize that they're never endingly deep. They're limitless.

And that you should always try and discover something new about them. And that way you'll never fall out of love with them. You may choose that you don't like what you learn, but you won't unconsciously fall out of love with them. Number two is we stop talking about vulnerable, intimate, important, meaningful topics. What's really interesting about this is that when they surveyed couples, the happiest couples only spent about 10% of their communication on small, talking daily tasks. But the unhappiest 28.3% of their time

was spent on shallow things. So you notice how there is inconclusive evidence on this yet, but it's moving in that direction that the less we're talking about, things that are important, powerful, deeply meaningful to us, it's hard to build a long lasting relationship of a functional conversations. When everything becomes too functional, logistical, I mean, even those words, they strip away the spirit of connection. And it's natural that as we spend more time together,

we end up talking about what needs to happen around the apartment or when he's to happen around the house or, you know, who's picking up the kids or who's, who's planning this out. And everything becomes logical, functional. It becomes like event management as opposed to being a relationship. And that's needed, right? Those conversations are integral, but they are a baseline for the deeper meaningful conversations that need to happen. What's really uncomfortable about that is that we have to make time to ask those beautiful questions, right? We have to make time to give our partner the ability to have meaningful conversations with us.

So one of the questions, and I was thinking about questions that I've often encouraged couples to ask each other, and you know, questions can be anything about embarrassing moments. They're childhood or the future. So I find that talking about the past, present, and future is what develops intimacy in a relationship. If you want to develop a connection with someone, it is by discussing your past, present, and future. You think about it, some relationships in your life you only talk about the future.

Some relationships you only talk about the past, and some relationships you only talk about the present. So someone who has a 360 degree view of you is someone you can have a loving relationship with and you can keep growing the love because they are growing with you and through your journey with you. So childhood is the past, embarrassing moments may be the present and it also brings a bit of laughter, a bit of lightness, and then the future, your hopes and dreams, your aspirations. So, some questions that I really like for a childhood is, you know, who's someone in your

family that you feel your most yourself around? Right, that's a great question. And making time for questions like this allows you to learn so much about that person. Another great question is, why do you want to be a parent? If you want to be a parent, why so? If you don't, why not? And having an open conversation around that.

One of the best conversations to have about the present is what's your love language right now, right? What is something that you deeply appreciate? Or another way it could be to describe your perfect day? What is it that makes a day special? And remember, these questions are not being asked with the expectation that someone's going to fulfill them. It's just the act of having that intimacy, that vulnerability with someone that creates deeper bonds and deeper connections and deeper relationships. And then the future, what are your hopes and aspirations? What are you building? What are you creating? What

are your goals this year? So if we truly want to not fall out of love, it requires this consistent growth. And this is what I find fascinating that nothing in the world just stays as it is. Right? Nothing in the world just lasts without maintenance, but we expect love to last without maintenance. We expect love to last without nurturing. We expect love to last without any effort. And it doesn't make sense at all. We've been getting so many amazing reviews for the Daily J, my new daily guided meditation series on the Karmap.

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intentions for a happy, abundant life and simple steps for positive actions to get you closer to the life of your dreams. Meditate with me by going to calm.com forward slash J to get 40% off a calm premium membership I'm Mungesh Chatekhar and to be honest, I don't believe in astrology, but from the moment I was born, it's been a part of my life. In India, it's like smoking. You might not smoke, but you're going to get secondhand astrology. And lately, I've been wondering if the universe has been trying to tell me to stop running and pay attention. Because maybe there is magic in the stars, if you're willing to look for it. So I rounded up some friends and we dove in and let me tell you, it got weird fast.

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podcasts. I'm Dr. Romani and I am back with season two of my podcast Navigating Narcissism. Narcissists are everywhere and their toxic behavior in words can cause serious harm to your mental health. In our first season, we heard from Eileen Charlotte, who was loved bomb by the Tinder swindler. The worst part is that he can only be guilty for stealing the money from me, but he cannot be guilty for the mental part he did. And that's even way worse than the money he took. But I am here to help. As a licensed psychologist and survivor of narcissistic abuse myself,

I know how to identify the narcissists in your life. Each week you will hear stories from survivors who have navigated through toxic relationships, gaslighting, love bombing, and the process of their healing from these relationships. Listen to navigating narcissism on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. In the 1680s, a feisty opera singer burned down a nunnery and stole away with her secret lover. In 1810, a pirate queen negotiated her cruiseway to total freedom, with all their loot. During World War II, a flirtatious gambling double agent helped keep D-Day a secret from the Germans.

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Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. The third reason we fall out of love is we don't create systems to deal with arguments. This one is absolutely huge, right? The amount of people that argue, the amount of people that have disagreements, the amount of people that avoid arguments, but having systems to deal with arguments. Now I'm going to share with you a system. The first system is the when, where, what, how, why system. My belief is that arguments needs to become more like debates. The reason is that in an argument, there is no goal.

There is no intention. and there is no clarity. In a debate, there's emotion, there's an intention, and there's knowledge. Arguments are unstructured, they're highly emotional, and they're highly, you know, irrational. Debates of focused discussions on a particular idea. So the first question you have to ask yourself to create a system for arguments, every time you start arguing, you can move to the system and me and Rade do this fairly often. And I find that I may guide us in this direction sometimes

so anyone can guide, but you have this discussion when you're not arguing. So you have this discussion when you're not fighting. So you say, okay, look, next time we fight, this is the system we have to use to actually have a productive argument, as opposed to when we start fighting, we have to somehow figure this out, which is unlikely. The first thing is the 90-second rule, knowing that emotions switch after 90 seconds. In those 90 seconds, you're gonna wanna act, you're gonna wanna be angry, you're gonna wanna release yourself,

but if you can wait 90 seconds, if you can hold back for 90 seconds, it will change the tone of an argument. The first thing is what are we arguing about? Let's be really clear on what are we actually arguing about? Now, if you're starting an argument, if you've got an issue with something, what are we actually arguing about? Now if you're starting an argument, if you've got an issue with something, what are you actually arguing about? And if someone else is arguing with you, calming the situation down and asking the question, what are we actually arguing about?

Let's really look at that. What is your genuine issue with this? Let me understand the root of it. Let's really break it down. It's not a challenging question. It's not a condescending question. It's a clarifying question. So you're not asking them, what are you arguing about? What's wrong with you? What's your issue? You're saying, I want to understand clearly what it is that I've done to upset you and what it is that I've done

to make you feel this way. Right? I want to understand that. That's the first step. The second step, after you figure out the what and so it's like, what are we arguing about? Because after time, we don't even know what we're arguing about or we're arguing about a side thing and then we go, whoa, whoa, whoa, it's not that. It's really this and then we switch topic, right? So let's really spend some time cooling down and figure out what are we arguing about.

Before we do that, we have to figure out when and where we're going to argue. Here's the thing about debates. They're set with the time and a place. Your arguments need a time and a place. Ideally, where is in a neutral place? You want to argue in a place that feels comfortable for both of you. You're not arguing in front of the kids. You're not arguing while the TV's on. You've made a commitment to do it in a proper time and place. And the place also means it could be somewhere neutral, it could be in a park. It could be in your garden, it could be somewhere that feels more open. And and When not when they just got back from work Not first thing in the morning while someone's rushing to get their breakfast

Not before a big meeting or presentation often we do that unconsciously and the other person gets unhinged a Healthy system for an argument is first figure out when and where you're going to choose to bring this up and What you're choosing to bring up. Now, how is your sitting next to each other? You're not sitting opposing each other. There's a beautiful quote by Antoine de Sunt, a superie that says, love does not consist, engaging at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction. When we're looking at each other, we may look past each other.

We may look against each other. We may have ideas that cross or conflict, but when we're looking in the same direction, when we're sitting next to each other, when we're on a walk together, we're already subconsciously moving in the same direction together, arguing or debating while having a walk

as we move can be healthy. So that's the when, where, what, how, and then the why, why am I really bringing this up? Explain why you're bringing it up. Don't just argue about what you're arguing about. Explain why it affects you. And also when you prepare to share this, that's the thing about debates you prepare for debates. When you share this, the most amazing thing is that they understand, because people may not understand what your issue is, but they're more likely to understand why

you have it. You may have an issue with someone not doing the dishes and they won't get it because they don't have the same why for it. But if you tell them why, they can understand you as a little bit deeper. Please communicate with why. So how you set a system for an argument is before an argument outside, you say, look, this is the system. We're going to follow. We're going to figure out when and where. We're going to figure out what we're arguing about.

We're going to know how we're arguing about it. And we're going to share why we're arguing about it. And it's going to be more like a debate than an argument because we don't want to approach it from the perspective of just shouting at each other. Now, the fourth reason we fall out of love is that the John Gottman Institute says that only 9% of the time are couples emotionally available, 9%, which means there's 91% of the time that couples are not emotionally available. It's incredible, right?

To just not be there, to just not be present. Carve out time every week, once a week, to have emotionally available time, e.a. time. And that could be on a Sunday for an hour, each. But to really carve out that time, to not think that watching a movie together or going to dinner together is emotional availability. That's physical availability.

But what people are really seeking is emotional availability. And you really want to focus on that. Number five is no division of chores and responsibilities. People get so frustrated that they default to taking care of everything. That they by default have to do everything. Right? So you want to figure out early on who's doing the cooking, who's doing the cleaning. What's the schedule? We have to almost treat it in that way

because it's so easy for things to just fall on one person before you take on a new task. Like let's say you're renovating. Okay, before we take on renovating, who's gonna take on the renovation, who's gonna take on the decision making? We have to start operating somewhat like a business in those areas of our lives

to avoid lack of communication. Okay, we want to plan a vacation. Who's going to plan it? Who's going to book it? Let's, let's plan that out before we get excited about doing these things. Number six is not addressing important issues for your partner. This, this is huge. If you're one of those people that knows your partner wants to get married, but you don't want to and you don't want to talk about it. Or you know your partner wants kids and you don't and you don't want to talk about it. Make a point to talk about it. Either you're going to fall out of love or they are because you don't talk about the things that are uncomfortable to talk about.

Talk about the uncomfortable things in the same way as I described the arguments in debate. Don't avoid the elephant in the room, right? It just gets bigger and bigger and bigger. Thank you so much for listening to this episode today. I think there was some incredible insights in this one today and I hope you're going to share them, repeat them, amplify them. I am so grateful for this on purpose community and family. I can't wait for live events. I can't wait for meeting you all in person when I go on tour next year when my next book comes out. I am just so excited to share this journey with you and this life with you.

I appreciate you and I'll see you soon. Thank you so much. Actually, actually, I'm going to read some reviews because I saw some this week that brought so much joy to my life. This is from Mark. I listen to Jay's podcast while doing my yard work. I can clean my yard while feeding my mind. I share Jay's podcast relentlessly with anyone and everyone.

Inspired by Jay, I'm launching a business, and it is on my vision board to one day be on Jay's podcast. I love that. Please keep the inspiration flowing. Thank you, thank you. This is from Patricia. I'm in my early 30s and recently I've had some life-changing events occur and I found myself in a rut. I follow J on social media for a few years but I've never listened to his podcast.

One morning I was doing my hair and decided to try and be productive while doing so. It's been three weeks and I've listened to J on his guest daily. I listen while I'm in the car or in any chance that I have. It's drastically changed by mindset and it has allowed me to take my mental health into my own hands. I feel like I am learning and growing which is enriched my life

instead of feeling stale. Keep them coming, Patricia. Thank you so much, everyone. Make sure you leave a review. We're around 18,000 reviews. I would love to get to 20,000 by the end of the year. If you can take a moment, it would mean the world to me. Thank you so much. I'll see you next week.

What if you could tell the whole truth about your life, including all those tender invisible things we don't usually talk about? I'm Megan Devine. Host to the podcast, it's okay that you're not okay. Look, everyone's at least a little bit not okay these days, and all those things we don't usually talk about, maybe we should. This season, I'm joined by Stellar Gas like Abbermote, Rachel Cargol, and so many more. It's okay that you're not okay. New episodes each and every Monday, available on the iHeartRadio app or wherever you listen to podcasts. The world of chocolate has been turned upside down. A very unusual situation. You saw this tax of cash in our office. Chocolate comes from the cacao tree, and recently,

Variety's cacao, thought to have been lost centuries ago, were rediscovered in the Amazon. There is no chocolate on earth like this. Now some chocolate makers are racing deep into the jungle to find the next game-changing chocolate, and I'm coming along. Okay, that was a very large crack it up. Listen to the obsessions while chocolate on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcast. Conquer your New Year's resolution to be more productive with the Before Breakfast Podcast in each bite-sized daily episode.

Time management and productivity expert Laura Vandercam teaches you how to make the most of your time, both at work and at home. These are the practical suggestions you need to get more done with your day. Just as lifting weights keeps our bodies strong as we age, learning new skills is the mental equivalent of pumping iron. Listen to Before Breakfast on the I Heart Radio app, or wherever you get your podcasts.