On Purpose with Jay Shetty - 6 Steps to Overcome the Perfectionist Mindset and Focus On the Process

Episode Date: April 2, 2021

Are you a perfectionist? It is totally fine if you answered yes! On this episode of On Purpose, Jay Shetty tells stories about how he overcame the perfectionist mindset and provides six simple steps for you to do it too. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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I'm so grateful that you come back every single week. Truly, it means the world to me, whether you're walking your dog, whether you're walking on your own, whether you're cooking, you're at the gym, whether you're working, you're editing, whatever you're up to right now, I just want to say thank you for trusting me with your time. Thank you for trusting me with your ears and choosing the unpurpose energy for your growth. It means the world to me. I can't wait till we can have unpurpose events

all across the country, all across the world. We can meet each other, be together, hopefully give you a big hug. I'm just so looking forward to that. And today's episode is all about how we have this addiction and obsession to perfection. How many of you know you have this? Raise your hand right now if you feel it. We have this addiction to perfection. We have this obsession with perfection. And here's the crazy thing, I want to read the definition of perfection to you

because I really think it will blow your mind. And I'm not just saying that. I don't think we know the definition as it is. And so listen to this, the definition of perfection is the condition, state, or quality of being free or as free as possible from all flaws or defects. What in the world do you know that is free from all flaws or defects?

Think about it right now and I know know you think about your children or your spouse or your partner maybe, but realistically, what is truly free of all flaws and defects? Now listen to the definition of a perfectionist, right? How many of you feel that you struggle with being a perfectionist? Listen to this, the definition of a perfectionist is a person who refuses to accept any standard short of perfection. Wow, wow, imagine you refuse to accept any standard short of perfection.

How happy do you think your life is going to be? How great do you think your life is going to be? How great do you think your life is going to be? It's weird, isn't it? When you aspire for perfection, you create more misery in your life. It's crazy to think that, but the more you aspire for perfection and you become a perfectionist,

you refuse to accept any standard short of perfection. And you don't even refuse to settle for it, you refuse to accept it. Which means that if you don't think it's perfect, you won't accept it and then you will feel the pain from not being a perfectionist. How many of you have ever felt the pain from not being a perfectionist. How many of you have ever felt the pain from not being perfect, from not having done something perfectly? If you've experienced that right now, I just wanted to raise your hands not along because it's truly an obsession and addiction. And instead of our addiction to perfection, we need to focus on action and progress. The antidote to our addiction to perfection is action and progress. So listen to this. In 1996, those in a event that occurred called the Mount Everest Climbing Disaster

when over about two days, eight climbers caught in a blizzard lost their lives. And as the best-selling author in his book, Inter Thinair, talks about, and over focus on the goal of submitting likely caused most of that loss of life. Instead, if climbing guides had been able to shift focus and turn climbers around earlier because of a very real problem with the process missing a critical turnaround time, even though they had a reach their climbing

goal, they might still be with us. Now, that's a really extreme example of an addiction to perfection, because what truly is an addiction to perfection? An addiction to perfection is an addiction to the result, and what is an addiction to the result and what is an addiction to the result? It's an attachment to our ego. It's the feeling we get from saying we did that in that much time. It's the emotion that we feel by saying we're the only ones to have done that. It's the fascination we have with being the best and in this scenario trying to be the best meant there was no life left. Now the stakes are rarely so high but an inability to re-evaluate during your process can cost

you time and cause a lot of frustration, chasing a goal that doesn't really fit or isn't realistically attainable. Now at the same time, some of the most successful people in the world have something called reality distortion field, or they sometimes have a deluded imagination, which means that they can conjure up things in their mind that don't yet exist. It means that they can get fascinated about an idea and addicted and obsessed with an idea. But notice, there's a difference between being obsessed with an idea, being obsessed

with progress, being obsessed with process, and being obsessed with perfection. There is a big difference, although sometimes it can feel like a very thin line. See, there's no problem with obsession or addiction because it's gonna be applied in the right ways. The challenge is when that leads to perfection. So perfection has some really dangerous elements to it. And if you're sitting there listening

and you're thinking, wow, I really am always trying to perfect my body. I'm always trying to perfect my podcast. I'm always trying to perfect my Instagram post. I'm always trying to perfect my work. I'm trying to perfect, perfect, perfect, perfect, perfect. And actually, I always feel like a failure. Chances are your desire for perfection is what's causing the pain of failure.

Now, I'm not asking you to settle. I'm not asking you to settle for less or have more realistic expectations. I'm asking you to try your best, to work your hardest and then accept what happens. Think about this for a moment. I want to tell you another story. This time it's a success story. Alex Honnold, free soloed your semidies, El Capitan.

That's about 3,000 vertical feet with no ropes. Honnold trained for years practicing and practicing portions of the route over and over and over again. Then when he attempted the push to climb the whole thing, he abandoned it. It didn't feel right that day. Shortly after he went back and started again, and this proved to be the right time. In that effort, Honol showed us a few key elements of focusing on the process.

The first step is that once we set our goal, in his case, climbing El Cap, we break it down into smaller steps. In practicing, Honol didn't go up and down all of our cap again and again. He broke it down into smaller sections and practiced each of those. But what was critical to that practice was that at each stage, he had to identify the skills he needed to call in the skills he needed to create or cultivate to master each stage. So the first step in overcoming our perfectionist mentality is to focus on the practice.

We are always obsessed with the result. I'll give you a really good example of this. So me and some of my friends this weekend, we went to an archery class. We wanted to do something outdoors, something that was COVID safe, and something that allowed us to connect. We went to this archery course. It was just us there. It was only about four of us in the archery teacher. And we started to be taught how to practice archery. Now we were learning from the Asian School of Archery and the Asian School of Archery has some differences in how you lift the bow, how you string the arrow,

how you shoot the arrow. And it was fascinating to learn from an expert about how to do this effectively and properly. Now the amazing thing is, I learned something so powerful this Saturday. Like, I can't tell you just how big this was for me. We were shooting arrows, and we would decide the success of our shot based on how close it was to the bullseye.

Now, some of our arrows went over or under the target completely. Some of them were on the outer circles and some of them were closer to the inner circle and the bullseye. And we would feel that the end of the shot was when the arrow struck the target. Right? That was the end of the shot. That makes sense. That's the end. The teacher or the sensei or whatever they call taught me something really, really powerful. He said that you think that the end of the shot is when the arrow hits the target, but actually the end of the shot is the energy you release after you shoot the target.

And so he said that after you go of the the string and the bow and the arrow hits, you actually stretch your arms back behind you and then you allow the energy to slowly calm down. This blew my mind because it made me realize that often we're so obsessed with the end, with the deadline, with the target, that we forget to release the energy afterwards. We forget to experience it afterwards. Does that make sense? The idea that we get so addicted to perfection, that we just keep picking up the next hour and keep trying to shoot the balls eye when actually what we needed to do was allow

ourselves that space and stillness. When we focus on the process over the end goal, when we encounter an obstacle along the way or even fail along the way, it doesn't derail us. It simply tells us, okay, more learning or a different skill is required here, get back to practice. It's a piece of information we can use to keep moving forward. In Honour's case, he had to master each stage before making the end run at his goal. Mastery is definitely what you're going for when you're free soloing because there's literally no room for error. That's one of the few places where failure actually could be the end.

Now there were places where Honour, as experienced a climber as he was realized he didn't yet have the skills necessary to be successful at that portion. One sequence was a move where he'd have to karate kick out to the side to get the next foothold. A move that required a lot of flexibility. Honald says he did daily stretching practice for a full year to make sure that when he needed to make that move, he'd have both the strength and the flexibility to pull it off. He also had to memorize the root so there was no guesswork. That's an element of learning too. He had to know where he was headed and he had to identify the holds that would get him there. And then he had to execute one move at a time.

If you get frustrated that it's taking a lot of time to practice reaching your goal, remember Alex Honnold moving from fingertip to fingertip and toe to toe, having to get each and every tiny move exactly right. It puts things into perspective. So the first step in overcoming perfection mentality is practice. Focus on the practice, focus on the next skill that you need to practice, focus on the next thing you need to learn. Don't get lost in trying to be perfect before you've tried to practice. I often get asked, Jay, how did you get so good at interviewing? Or how did you get the confidence to interview? When I first got my break and moved to New York to work at the Huff Post. I pretty much interviewed a guest on my show

called Follow the Reader, every day for nine months I was live on Facebook Live. Right, literally nine months. And I was interviewing guests back to back to back. Sometimes two guests a day. Now at that time, I had some of the rough skills, but I learned so much about how to fill in the awkward silences, how to respond

when you don't get an answer you're looking for, how to deal with an awkward moment. The point was it was tons of practice. So when I launched my podcast in 2019, I already had done this every day for an hour a day for around 12 months. And this is often what's forgotten is the amount of time that someone has practiced something

before it actually goes to the main stage. So we think about someone like Beyonce and you think, wow, Beyonce is just so talented. She's so incredibly gifted. She was born with it, she's had it her whole life. And a lot of that may be true, but the amazing thing is that we forget the work that's put in as well. So I was reading an article and the article was saying that according to her Netflix

documentary Homecoming, she restarted rehearsals over 115 days before opening night on April 14, 2018, 115 days of rehearsals for her performance. And on top of that, she was working up to nine hours a day of dance practice often in heels for that performance. So you can see that even someone that we consider gifted is practicing is rehearsing. The therapy for Black Girls podcast is the destination for all things mental health, personal development, and all of the small decisions we can make to become the best possible versions of ourselves. Here we have the conversations that help black women dig a little deeper into the most impactful relationships in our lives. Those with our parents, our partners, our children, our friends, and most importantly ourselves. We chat about things like what to do when a friendship ends,

how to know when it's time to break up with your therapist, and how to end the cycle of perfectionism. I'm your host, Dr. Joy Harden Bradford, a licensed psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia, and I can't wait for you to join the conversation every Wednesday. Listen to the Therapy for Black Girls podcast on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your podcasts. Take good care. I'm Mungeshia Tikhler and to be honest, I don't believe in astrology,

but from the moment I was born, it's been a part of my life. In India, it's like smoking. You might not smoke, but you're gonna get secondhand astrology. And lately, I've been wondering if the universe has been trying to tell me to stop running and pay attention. Because maybe there is magic in the stars if you're willing to look for it. So I rounded up some friends and we dove in and let me tell you, it got weird fast. Tantric curses, major league baseball teams, cancelled marriages, K-pop! But just when I thought I had a handle on this sweet and curious show about astrology, my whole world can crash down.

Situation doesn't look good, there is risk to father. And my whole view on astrology, it changed. Whether you're a skeptic or a believer, I think your ideas are going to change too. Listen to Skyline Drive and the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcast, wherever you get your podcasts. Conquer your New Year's resolution to be more productive with the Before Breakfast Podcast in each bite-sized daily episode.

Time management and productivity expert Laura Vandercam teaches you how to make the most of your time, both at work and at home. These are the practical suggestions you need to get more done with your day. Just as lifting weights keeps our bodies strong as we age, learning new skills is the mental equivalent of pumping iron. Listen to before breakfast on the I Heart Radio app or wherever you get your podcasts. Now the second way of overcoming perfection mentality is to focus on the process. I want to give you my own personal example. When I set out to write think like a monk, I was focused on the process.

I wanted to write for you the best possible book I could write in the time that I had. I actually had the idea for the title think like a monk in the book back in 2016, and I was offered a book deal in 2016. And I chose not to do it because it didn't feel like the right time to tell the story and it didn't feel like the right time to feel like I knew what I wanted to share and give and express. So I actually didn't sign a book deal until 2018 and I didn't finish writing the book until 2019 and the book came out in 2020. So there was a four-year gap from the time I thought of the title and was offered a book deal to the point that I actually

published a book. Because I was focused on the process, I wasn't focused on the result and I wasn't focused on the perfect result. Now I want to give you an example of how I navigated that. When you're writing the book, when you're creating your work, when you're doing your art, when you're working on your body and your fitness, you want to be focused on how to improve the process. So if you get dissatisfied with your result or you feel far away from perfection, the only way is to switch up the process. Getting paralyzed by perfection doesn't make you get there quicker, right? And so you have to

switch back to the process. So every time we'd write a chapter and I didn't feel like it moved me, I would go back and say like, all right, where, which stories are missing from here? Which science studies are missing from here? Which strategies and steps are missing from here? I would go back to the process of the chapter and ask myself, what's missing? What's not working, right? What's, what's really not happening here? And that would give me a new idea. That would give me a new appreciation, a new approach. And then I would do the same thing again and again and again. Now, I did that with my book and I've always set a personal target of 70% for as long as I've known. I call this the 70% rule. And this 70% rule comes from the fact

that you getting a 70% in the UK in a university or college degree gives you a first class degree. Right, whether you get 70% or you get 99, it's a first class degree. And I always realized that there was so much obsession for people getting 99 or 98. But all I needed to was get above 70 and it was fine.

Now, you may say that, Jay, that sounds like you're settling, it sounds like you don't care, it sounds like it doesn't matter. It's not true. What I realized is that the effort it takes to get from 70 to 100 means that I may never ever release what I want to share with the world. See the process from 0 to 70, you can take that. But the process from 70 to 100 could take your whole life. And every creator, every author, every artist in their heart knows nothing they've created in their heart knows nothing they've created is perfect

because they know what it would have taken if they attempted to make it perfect. Now a lot of people ask me, Jay, when you were writing your book, did you ever think about like, oh, is this gonna be a bestseller? How well is it gonna sell? How's it gonna do? How many of you feel like that's something

that you think about, that while you're doing, you're thinking about like, oh, well, I get promoted this year. Well, this worked this year. Is this gonna happen this year, right? Like when you're thinking about the result already, I remember I had a math tutor when I was around 14 years old

and we'd be studying together. I never enjoyed math, by the way. And when we'd be studying together, one day he looked to me and he said, Jay, do you know why you struggle with math? And I said, wow, this is like, I mean, you don't have to be that raw. I said, no, I don't, I don't know why I struggle with math

apart from I don't enjoy it. He said, no, the reason you struggle with math is that when you're looking at the question, you're thinking about what your parents are going to say about the result. He said, instead of using your energy to try and decipher the answer, you're using your energy to think about and predict what your parents are going to say to you, depending on the result you get.

Your mind is never where you are. You're never present with the question, you're never present with trying to find the answer, you're obsessed and focused on a projected, predicted result. That by the way is unpredictable. This was another one of those life changing moments for me because it didn't just apply to my school and work, it applied to my life. I realized that I spent most of my life worrying about what my parents would think of me or what my cousins would think of me or what my uncles and aunts would think of me and then realizing in this moment that none of it mattered, that none of it was relevant, that none of it was significant.

And so in this moment, again, such a gift to focus on the process, the process to find the answer was more important than what people might say. And I realized this for the book that I couldn't write a best-selling book if I was thinking about it being a best-selling book. What I mean by that is if I was obsessing, oh my gosh, this needs to be a number one New York Times bestseller, this needs to be, this needs to be, this needs to be, then I'm taking away all my energy from actually creating a good piece of work.

Now, what really helped me feel confident about this, and I'm not trying to brag or share this in a negotistic way, I'm just sharing it in a beautiful experience I had. The day before my book came out, I sent an email to my publishers, my editors and my team. And I said to them, hey, I just want you to know that I am so proud of the book we've created. I'm so grateful to be working with you. You've been an amazing, amazing team. And I'm just so happy, you know, that we got to work together on this. And I really, really hope that you know how grateful I am

about what we've created and what we've built. Because to be honest, I can have asked for a better team to work with. Now, I send that the day before my book came out. And I also said to them, the books already a success because I've put everything into it. I've put everything into their development of it. I've put everything into the marketing of it. I've put everything into the marketing of it.

I've put everything into the creation of it. I've put everything ounce of energy I had into trying to make it the best book in the world and making sure that people experience it. For me, the best book in the world, for me, that I could create not the best book in the world. And it was amazing because my publisher wrote back to me and they said,

Jay, we usually only get emails like this after books have been a success. We rarely get emails like this the day before it's been published. And I said, no, but I'm being serious. Like in the development, I put in all my work and the process, in the marketing, I put all my work into the process

and making sure that everyone knew about this I put all my work into the process. So I'm already happy, I'm already satisfied. And then another one my my publishers in the UK, he told me the day before the best seller list was announced. He said, Jay, I don't think we're gonna hit the Sunday Times best seller number one. He said, there's a lot of other competition in this category.

We don't think we're gonna make it. I hope you're okay with that. I'm really sorry. And I said, look, again, I have done everything I possibly could have done. And if that isn't good enough to be number one, then that's fine. The person who gets number one deserves it. Like that's great for them. You know, I put in everything I have into the process. And so if we didn't hit the number one spot, that's fine. The next day, he message me and he said,

we're number one on the Sunday Times bestseller list. And I'll be honest with you, all of that was created from a focus on the process of creating the book, writing the book, and then also marketing the book. So a lot of people say things like, oh, do your best and then leave the rest, the result. That's not true. The point is you want to focus on every part of the process,

but you want to be addicted to the process, not obsessed with perfection. And when you're focusing on the process, you want to remember this. You want to focus on the process, not obsessed with perfection. And when you're focusing on the process, you want to remember this. You want to focus on the process, but you don't want to get lost in the process. What I mean by that is that you don't want to be fully present in the process.

You don't want to set a course and then follow it mindlessly. It's like using a GPS, we can become lost in the autopilot and lose the understanding of how we got there. How many of you are part of this group and by the way, I am too, that you have no idea which rode your own or what area you're in because you follow your ways or Google maps to the tee and you never ever look up, right?

And then you actually don't know what you're doing consciously. There's a paradox of defining your path or course of action, yet also remaining flexible on the route. You want to be able to change your course. And that's why the third method of overcoming perfection mentality or the perfectionist mentality is pivoting. You want to be open to different courses, especially if you get stuck. For example, you might decide a goal is to earn an MBA, yet you don't have the money to invest in school. You've come up with a plan to set aside the money, but even though you're sticking to it,

financial surprises keep coming up that derail you. Your career needs new tires. There's a medical bill. When roadblocks persist, sometimes that's actually a sign that it might be time to reevaluate that path and goal and pivot. For example, what's another way to achieve that goal? Could you be asking your employer if they'll chip in or investigating with HR, whether there's a program to help continue education, or could you

work with them to create one? Or the goal, do you actually need an MBA? Is it a degree you need, or do you just need the knowledge and the skills? Could you take courses online? Many of which are free or at least cheaper to get the information that you need? Could you get a mentor who can teach you? Can you intern somewhere? The key is knowing that for each goal and for each desire to be perfect, there are probably several potential processes to reach it.

When we can be crystal clear on our goals, what we actually want or need to accomplish or obtain, we can be open and flexible to different parts. We have to learn to pivot. Another way to focus on not following the process mindlessly is to focus on the beauty, the precision, or care you apply to each phase of the process. This works in a few ways.

Again focusing on each stage keeps us from getting overwhelmed by the overall process. Have you ever hiked a tough hill like a canyon or hikes we have here in LA are pretty epic? Sometimes I just have to put my head down and focus on each step. If I keep looking up towards the top, I'd be overwhelmed and lose my motivation. In these moments, I just focus on executing the next step and then the next step. The other thing for me applying yourself to each stage or phase does is it takes the pressure off the result. Buckminster Fuller was an architect, inventor and author. He definitely knew how to accomplish goals, but he didn't just get things done.

He was known as a visionary designer. As breath taking me beautiful as some of his designs were, he once said, when I'm working on a problem, I never think about beauty. I only think how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong. For things to come together like that, so that each phase adds up together, create something beautiful, we need to be fully present with each piece and give it our all. And that means that for bigger goals,

we need to build in breaks in the process. Because if the process is always exhausting and never fun, if we never bring joy to the process and get to take pleasure in it, we're unlikely to stay with it because we'll lose motivation. The Bhagavad Gita says that the process of spirituality is joyfully performed.

So far, we have many steps to overcome our perfectionist mentality and our obsession with perfection. The first is practice. The second is focus on the process. The third is to pivot. The fourth is to think about it in terms of phases. And the fifth is to pause. Sometimes we have to pause to go back.

When we're in a perfectionist mentality, we never stop. We never take a break, we never let ourselves be creative, we never let ourselves take a moment to rethink. Pauzes are so powerful. As brain science shows us having a break, having fun, sharing a laugh, enjoying a feeling of teamwork,

if others are involved, makes our brain release dopamine. And that literally keeps us motivated to move forward. The feeling of teamwork if others are involved makes our brain release dopamine and that literally keeps us motivated to move forward. That's why when we're engaged in really stressful situations and somehow we break into laughter, we feel better afterward, like we've got more energy to continue. I have a friend who at the start of the year took on a 50 day workout challenge. Where over 10 weeks she'd do five pretty intense workouts each week.

She recently finished. And when I asked her how she stayed motivated, knowing she had 50 workouts to do, she said, I didn't think about 50 workouts. I thought about one workout, today's workout. And I feel focused not on how long or hard it would be, but how good I would feel after. Whenever I get back from tennis, I literally

say to Rady, never let me miss tennis. No matter how tired I am, always tell me to go to tennis. And I say it to her, not even because she always reminds me, but that I remember that. I love how I feel after tennis. Another thing, which is this one at a time mentality, one at a time mindset, is when we would meditate, mantra meditation on beads. So when I chant on beads, there are 108 beads. And in my practice, I chant for around two hours. I practice mantra meditation for two hours in the morning.

But if I think about doing two hours of meditation in the morning, it sounds like a drag. But if I just say to my mind, chant this one mantra, just this one at a time, it changes how I feel about this. And my friend, within each workout, sometimes she would just tell herself, I can do the next minute, I can do the next minute. And finally, the workout would be done, and she'd get that feel good dopamine release because she just accomplished a mini goal. And she'd want to feel that feeling again the next day. The other important thing to consider is how it becomes intrinsically motivated. Right. When we're focused on perfection, it's often

about the result, about the ego, about competition, about what people will think, but really it has to be about purpose. And therefore, the sixth step to overcome perfectionist mentality is purpose. Right? When you really are doing something that's deeply meaningful to you, when you really believe in it, when it's coming from a deeper place, you realize it's not about being better than anyone. It's not about beating anyone. It's not about what people will think.

It's because you intrinsically are connected to your purpose. So this is the final step because ultimately we will keep pushing ourselves to prove a point to someone but when it's your purpose, you realize you're not proving anything to anyone. You're just sharing your purpose with others and that's what keeps you going, because perfection just becomes an elusive, arbitrary, abstract concept. And you realize that reality is far more beautiful, far more wondrous, and it's something you can deeply appreciate. So remember these steps. Next time your perfectionist mentality takes over, Focus on practicing.

When you practice and develop the skills you need to do, you will get closer to creating amazing results. Then focus on the process. Don't get lost in trying to get the perfect result. Improve the process. Third thing, don't get so lost in the process that you can't grow. Make sure you pivot. After you pivot, make sure you focus on the phases,

break it down into phases. The fifth step is to focus on making sure that you pause, laugh, take a break, and the sixth is to be fueled by your purpose. These are the six steps to overcoming your perfectionist mindset and mentality and replacing it with a process mindset and mentality. I really hope that you love this episode. Make sure you tag me on Instagram and share what you

learned from this episode. I can't wait to hear about all of it. Thank you so much for listening to On Purpose. I'll see you again on the next one. Conquer your New Year's resolution to More Productive with the Before Breakfast Podcast In each bite-sized daily episode, time management and productivity expert Laura Vandercam teaches you how to make the most of your time, both at work and at home. These are the practical suggestions you need to get more done with your day. Just as lifting weights keeps our bodies strong as we age, learning new skills is the mental equivalent of pumping iron.

Listen to Before Breakfast on the I Heart Radio app, or wherever you get your podcasts. I am Dr. Romani and I am back with season two of my podcast, Navigating Narcissism. This season, we dive deeper into highlighting red flags and spotting a narcissist before they spot you. Each week, you'll hear stories from survivors who have navigated through toxic relationships, gaslighting, love bombing, and their process of healing. Listen to navigating narcissism

on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Danny Shapiro, host of Family Secrets. It's hard to believe we're entering our eighth season, or wherever you get your podcasts. Resilience and the profoundly necessary excavation of long-held family secrets. Listen to Season 8 of Family Secrets on the I Heart Radio app Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts.