On Purpose with Jay Shetty - 7 Questions You Must Ask to Deepen Any Relationship, Friendship or Partnership

Episode Date: August 12, 2022

Do you want to meditate daily with me? Go to go.calm.com/onpurpose to get 40% off a Calm Premium Membership. Experience the Daily Jay. Only on Calm Being in a relationship is a work in progress. Fully committing to that relationship is hard work. There are no shortcuts, no hacks. There is no one pattern that works for everyone.  It’s a handful, and both must be fully invested to make it work.   In this episode of On Purpose, Jay Shetty shares relationship questions that will make you think, rethink, and contemplate whether you’re doing enough to nurture your relationship.  Want to be a Jay Shetty Certified Life Coach? Get the Digital Guide and Workbook from Jay Shetty https://jayshettypurpose.com/fb-getting-started-as-a-life-coach-podcast/ Key Takeaways:00:00 Intro02:58 7 questions to ask to help improve relationships05:17 Question #1: What am I doing right that I should do more of?09:17 Question #2: What should I do less of?12:39 Question #3: What do I do that makes you confident?14:23 Question #4: What do I do that makes you anxious?17:47 Question #5: What is your love language?20:40 Question #6: What’s your fight style?22:09 Question #7: Is this relationship going in the direction you want it to go?Like this show? Please leave us a review here - even one sentence helps! Post a screenshot of you listening on Instagram & tag us so we can thank you personally!See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

I'm Jay Shetty and on my podcast on purpose, I've had the honor to sit down with some of the most incredible hearts and minds on the planet. Oprah, Kobe Bryant, Kevin Hart, Louis Hamilton, and many, many more. On this podcast, you get to hear the raw real-life stories behind their journeys and the tools they used, the books they read, and the people that made a difference in their lives so that they can make a difference in hours. Listen to on purpose with Jay Shetty on the iHeart Radio app Apple Podcast or wherever you get your podcasts. Join the journey soon. Hi, I'm Brendan Francis Nunehm. I'm a journalist, a wanderer, and a bit of a bond-vivant, but mostly a human just trying

to figure out what it's all about. And not lost is my new podcast about all those things. It's a travel show where each week I go with a friend to a new place and to really understand it, try to get invited to a local's house for dinner. Where kind of trying to get invited to a dinner party, it doesn't always work out. Ooh, I have to get back to you.

Listen to not lost on the iHeart radio app or wherever you get your podcasts. The one you feed explores how to build a fulfilling life admits the challenges we face. We share manageable steps to living with more joy and less fear through guidance on emotional resilience, transformational habits, and personal growth. I'm your host, Eric Zimmer,

and I speak with experts ranging from psychologists to spiritual teachers, offering powerful lessons to apply daily. Create the life you want now. Listen to the one you feed on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. You can still make someone feel anxious, even if you love them. If you don't know how your actions and words impact them. If you are not aware of how your actions and behavior and your words make someone feel,

it doesn't matter how much you love them, they can still feel anxious and uncomfortable. What's your problem? What's your problem? What's your problem? What's your problem? What's your problem? Hey everyone, welcome back to On Purpose,

the number one health podcast in the world. Thanks to each and every single one of you who are just so dedicated and so committed to your growth. It is unbelievable. If you're listening right now, I want you to take a moment to just smile at yourself with yourself to congratulate yourself for showing up, for turning up. We're so hard on ourselves. But remember, every time you're committing to on purpose, every time you're committing to your workouts,

every time you're committing to any form of personal growth, whether you're reading, listening, learning, jumping, whatever you're up to, walking, congratulations. Take a moment to really acknowledge yourself, to recognize yourself. And I want to take a moment to really acknowledge yourself, to recognize yourself. And I want to take a moment to recognize all of you because you've all been listening every single day. I know so many of you are listening to multiple episodes per week. And we're seeing that in the reviews, in the stats,

it is unbelievable. And I could not thank you more honestly for your support for on purpose. unbelievable and I could not thank you more, honestly, for your support from purpose. And the next few months are exceptionally important and I couldn't thank you more. And I am so excited because the guests that we have coming over the next few months until the end of this year are just unbelievable. Unbelievable. You have no idea what's coming your way and I can't tell you because I'm excited for you. Just keep a lookout. Make sure that you've subscribed to the podcast

on the app that you're listening on. Make sure that you've turned notifications on, on my Instagram for J Shetty and J Shetty podcast. I just don't want you to miss out. So today, this episode's a really special one as well, because I really wanted to address our relationships. Now we always hear that our relationships are important, we know that. But often it's really hard. How many times do you sit at dinner with someone you love and you

struggle to have a meaningful conversation and you spend your time on your phone, maybe in the car on the way back in the evening, you wish you had more deeper connection. Or how many of you turn on a show because it's an easier way to spend time together than starting an actual discussion. How many of you don't know what to talk about? How many of you run out of topics?

Maybe you run out of conversation ideas, especially if you've been together for a while. Now, whether you're talking about a business relationship, a romantic relationship, a family relationship, or a friendship, these seven questions I'm going to introduce you today are going to make a huge difference in your life. And the reason they make a difference is because they all allow you to create vulnerability, create connection and create intimacy, especially as relationships deepen. We're not always going to learn something new about someone. We may feel there's nothing left to learn, but you can always

learn something new about them, even if it's by going deeper. Sometimes it's no longer about going wider, it's about going deeper, and these questions allow that. So that's the intimacy part. The second thing I said was vulnerability. We know that relationships that have vulnerability actually bring people closer together. We feel if we don't have arguments, if we avoid uncomfortable conversations, then we'll be closer. What you don't realize is that avoiding

a two-hour argument could create a two-week issue. A two-hour argument could save you from two weeks of pain and issues. So these conversations may be thought provoking and challenging and difficult in the beginning, but they can actually help us. And the third thing I mentioned was connection. A lot of the times when we talk, we talk about ourselves and we don't talk about ourselves in relation to the person we have a relationship with. And so you're not often talking about your relationship, you might be talking about your to-do list, you might be talking about your weekend plans, you might be talking about your work plans, but you're not talking about the relationship. And these seven questions are designed to help

you have healthier, more powerful, more productive conversations in your relationship. Now I'm really excited to walk through these with you so make sure you have a note pad and pen and if you are walking or driving or whatever it may be, remember to share this episode with someone later, take a screenshot, message it, I love all the posts on Instagram and Twitter

and Facebook that I've been seeing going up, the TikTok, oh my gosh, those of you sharing with the audio on TikTok, thank you so much. So the first question I want to introduce to you, this question is, what am I doing right that I should do more of? What is it that I'm doing that you notice and appreciate? What is it that I'm doing that you actually think is good and you'd love for me to do it more because it works. Notice how you could ask this to a romantic partner or a work partner,

whoever may be, a friend. What this allows for you is that it boosts your own self-esteem. You recognize that the person you're sitting with does recognize your hard work, your effort. They do recognize the energy you're putting into it. They do recognize the amount of input you have. And often if that person doesn't have a natural way of reminding you of this, you forget. And in your head, you build the narrative that they don't care. They don't notice me. They don't appreciate me. They avoid me. It's really fascinating to me to see that that we build up stories in our head without actually checking in with the other person. When you say to the other person, what am I doing right that I should do more of? They get to tell you, well, I love the way

you send emails in an organized way. I love that you message me, you love me in the morning. I love that whenever I need you, you always pick up. And all of a sudden you feel appreciated, you feel considered, you feel heard, you feel seen, all of those things that you didn't feel just a moment ago, you get a chance to alleviate, you get a chance to recognize that actually the person you think doesn't notice you notices you more than you think they notice you You with me and what it does for the other person is really special It gives them an opportunity To complement you or share gratitude with you

Often what I find is that because we haven't been trained in gratitude because we haven't been a Customed to learn how to give genuine compliments we struggle. And so often someone that you're with or someone that you're working with may not even know that you need that, they may not know how to do it, they may feel uncomfortable. I often have people I had a review for the podcast the other day. Thank you for everyone leaving reviews.

I read a review that just said, Jay, I don't want to be overly, you know, excited, but I just love this podcast and I was thinking, but that's not overly Jay, I don't want to be overly, you know, excited, but I just love this podcast and I was thinking, but that's not overly excited. I appreciate that. But people are scared of sharing compliments and gratitude. So by you asking this question, what am I doing right that I should do more of? Not only do you get a chance to hear that this person does care about you, they do notice you. You also give them an opportunity to practice gratitude and complementing, which is healthy for their mental health and their well-being. Now let's look at the awkward scenario where you ask this question and the person has

nothing to say, right? Let's say you ask this question and the person has nothing to say. You're now recognizing that there is a bit of a way to go. Whether that person isn't aware, whether they really don't notice, whether they're not conscious, this is an opportunity for you to recognize where you stand with someone based on the quality of their response. Their response may be immediate, their response may be thoughtful, they may pause for a while and that's fine

because that shows a sign of a genuine answer. But if they say, well, I don't think there's anything, I think everything's fine. Don't get angry at them, don't get mad at them, don't get upset with them. Say, think about it, come back to me when you've thought about it and give them some time, let them maybe sit with it for a week,

let them really sit with that because they week, let them really sit with that because they may give you a really thoughtful response. So that's question number one. The second question is, what should I do less of? So you just asked for something that created a compliment or gratitude. Now you want to ask for feedback. Do it in this order. What is it that I do that I should do less of? Is there something that I do right now that you'd like me to do a little less of? This is really powerful. You're asking for feedback without saying do you have feedback for me? You're actually asking for a chance to improve. You're asking for a chance to allow that person to share. If you really love them, if you really care about them and

you believe they care about you, isn't it healthy for them to say hey, I feel like every time I get home You're always asking me about my day and I get really tired to answer that then I'd love to answer that a bit later Or you always ask me really important questions while I'm on my phone and please next I'm just say to me Hey, can you just please not be on your phone while I ask you this? And I'll give you more attention, right? So there's so many ways of using this as an opportunity to create a healthier, more powerful connection. We've really asked for feedback in relationships because what happens in relationships is we think the other person should know. We think the other person should know. We think the other person should read our mind.

We think that the other person should already be aware. Or we don't give it because we're scared. We're scared. And therefore when you ask someone, you're opening up a safe space. But you've got to be ready to ask him, why will you be ready? Because you'll understand that no matter what they say is not personal to you. It's about a pattern, a trait, a habit, but it's not about you. Now you'll say, well, Jay, what do you mean? Of course it's about me. If they're telling me that I need to be less distracted when I'm on my phone.

How is that not about me? You're not a distracted person, you're a person who has distractions. So making time and now being able to be present is actually helping you too. Stress, anxiety, overwhelmed burnout. What do all of these have in common? A lack of perceived control over your time, thoughts and tasks.

But what if I told you fixing all of these problems is as simple as fixing your mindset towards them? I know, not simple at all. Everyone's busy, everyone's stress, but we could all use more calm in our lives and learning to stay grounded and grateful is truly a daily practice. That's why I've partnered with calm.com

to bring you the daily J. If you've ever wanted to meditate with me and take back control over your busy mind, join me on the calm app for the daily J, a daily guided meditation where I'll help you find calm in the chaos, plant beautiful intentions for a happy, abundant life, and simple steps for positive actions to get you closer to the life of your dreams. Meditate with me by going to calm.com forward slash J to get 40% off a calm premium membership.

That's only $42 for the whole year for daily guided meditations. Experience the daily J only on calm. I'm Jay Shetty and on my podcast on purpose, I've had the honor to sit down with some of the most incredible hearts and minds on the planet. Oprah, everything that has happened to you can also be a strength builder for you if you allow it. Kobe Bryant. The results don't really matter. It's the figuring out that matters.

Kevin Haw. It's not about us as a generation at this point. It's about us trying our best to create change. Lumin's Hamilton. That's for me being taken that moment for yourself each day, being kind to yourself, because I think for a long time I wasn't kind to myself. And many, many more. If you're attached to knowing, you don't have a capacity to learn. On this podcast, you get to hear the raw real-life stories behind their journeys, and the tools they used, the books they read, and the people that made a difference in their lives so that they can make a difference in hours. Listen to on purpose with Jay Shetty on the iHart Radio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. Join the journey soon.

Our 20s are seen as this golden decade. Our time to be carefree, full in love, make mistakes, and decide what we want from our life. But what can psychology really teach us about this decade? I'm Gemma Spake, the host of the psychology of your 20s. Each week we take a deep dive into a unique aspect of our 20s, from career anxiety, mental health, heartbreak, money, friendships, and much more to explore the science and the psychology behind our experiences, incredible guests, fascinating topics, important science, and a bit of my own personal experience. Audrey, I honestly have no idea what's going on with my life. Join me as we explore what our 20s are really all about, from the good, the bad, and the ugly, and listen along as we uncover

how everything is psychology, including our 20s. The psychology of your 20s hosted by me, Gemma Speg. Now streaming on the iHotRadio app, Apple podcasts, or whatever you get your podcasts. I'm Danny Shapiro, host of Family Secrets. It's hard to believe we're entering our eighth season. And yet, we're constantly discovering new secrets. The depths of them, the variety of them continues to be astonishing. I can't wait to share ten incredible stories with you, stories of tenacity, resilience, and the profoundly necessary excavation of long-held family

secrets. When I realized this is not just happening to me, this is who and what I am. I needed her to help me. Something was annoying at me that I couldn't put my finger on, that I just felt somehow that there was a piece missing. Why not restart? Look at all the things that were going wrong. I hope you'll join me and my extraordinary guests for this new season of Family Secrets.

Listen to season eight of Family Secrets on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Question number three, what do I do that makes you feel confident? This is a wonderful question to ask someone when you have trust in a business, when you have trust in a relationship That person makes you feel confident. If you think about the relationships that we don't like in our life and

If we think about a relationship that we're struggling with it's because that person doesn't make us feel confident in a dating relationship. If someone makes you feel insecure, you don't know if you trust them in a business relationship. If you can't count on someone, if someone isn't reliable, that means you don't have confidence in them. You don't trust them. And ultimately, if you can't expect that a fund will be there when you need them, you don't have confidence in them. So when you say, what do I do that makes you feel confident? You get a chance to see the level of trust you have in a relationship. So if you say, what do I do that makes you feel confident? And they say, well, you always compliment me. You're always noticing the good in me. That's beautiful. They recognize that. If you say, what do I do that makes you

feel confident? And they say, well, you know, from a work perspective, I always feel organized because I know you're on top of my schedule. This allows you to repeat that habit. And it allows that person to acknowledge that you make them feel confident. It deepens trust. It deepens your bond and relationships in ways that you can't imagine. So that's question number three, and really it's for your repetition. It's so that you can repeat that action

to build confidence, to build trust in that relationship. How many of you want to be in relationships that are trusting, that are building confidence? Question number four is, what do I do that makes you anxious? What do I do that I might not even be aware of? That makes you anxious. What do I do that makes you feel uncomfortable?

That I might not even be aware of. I might actually be thinking I'm helping. I realized with me and Rady, I would always ask her a question. I'd always say, well, let's go through your work schedule, like how are you feeling about what's coming up this week? And she'd always be like, I would always ask her a question. I'd always say to, well, let's go through your work schedule, like, how are you feeling about what's coming up this week? And she'd always be like, I don't want to talk about that. And she, later on, when I asked her this question, told me, Hey, I feel anxious when you talk to me about work on

the weekends, because I just want to switch up from everything. And I was like, wow, that's so interesting, because I always thought I was helping you plan and we judge ourselves by our intention Noted by the effect of how it makes that person feel But how that person feels is more important than I intention so when I ask Rady Hey, let's talk about your work schedule. I have great intentions I love her and I want to help her but if my intention is that but it makes her feel uncomfortable Then I need to change that so what do I do that makes you feel anxious? What do I do that makes you feel uncomfortable?

Is a great question to allow the other person to be vulnerable with you and for you to gain awareness? And I think for so many people, we don't want to ask this question because we want to think we do everything right and we think that our intention is right. Therefore, we're not worried about, well, we, well, well, what could I do to make them feel anxious? Cause I love them. I care about them. You can still make someone feel anxious, even if you care about them, if you've not understood how they receive it. Let me repeat that. You can still make someone feel anxious, even if you love them, if you don't know how

your actions and words impact them. If you are not aware of how your actions and behavior and your words make someone feel, it doesn't matter how much you love them, they can still feel anxious and uncomfortable. I once said to someone on my team, what do I do that makes you feel uncomfortable? What do I do that makes you feel anxious? They said, Jay, you are always onto the next. You're always changing, you're always iterating. And that makes me feel uncomfortable

because I don't feel like what I've done is good enough. And I thought, wow, this is amazing, like because I would compliment, I would congratulate, but still that wasn't enough. And they said, well, sometimes I just need to feel like, reminded again that we did get someone. I'm like, wow, thank you so much for that. Like, thank you for giving me that feedback.

So when you ask someone for this, you get so many wonderful, profound responses. I want you to really test this out. The reason I'm doing this episode, instead of just giving you principles, I'm trying to give you questions because I want you to try these out. I want you to test them out. I want to give you real tools on this podcast, not just ideas or concepts, but tools that you can practice with someone you work with, someone you love, someone you have a deep friendship with, whoever it may be, because I want you to get this clarity

in your relationship. See, relationships deepen when there's clarity. We always say, oh, the importance behind a relationship is communication, but the key to good communication is clarity. And you only get clarity when you ask great questions. Okay, question number five is, what is your love language? We all know the book Love Languages, the Gary Chapman made, the five love languages.

If you don't know it, it's an awesome theory, the idea of we all like to receive love in different ways, but we often give love in the way we want to receive it, not in the way someone else wants to receive it. So the five love languages are words of affirmation, physical touch, receiving gifts, quality time and acts of service. So words of affirmation is people in our lives who like to be reminded through words that they have achieved something, that they are worthy, that they are loved, right? The idea that we need a love note, we need a text, we need encouragement, words of affirmation, you know people in your life. And we all need all of these, but we

need them in order. Second is physical touch, holding hands, hugs, morning cuddles, right? Whatever it may be, physical touch. It could also be a A gentle hand just to say, yeah, I'm here with you. I'm here for you, right? It's all nonverbal. It's body language-based. Receiving gifts, I mean, this was a big one for me for a long, long time. I love receiving gifts. And I love giving gifts, but I realized that not everyone in my life Needs gifts in the way I do. So I love receiving gifts, like absolutely love personalized gifts, and I love giving people personalized gifts.

And I started to realize that people didn't respond to gifts in the way I did. So some people, when they got gifts from me, no matter how amazing they were, they were like, yeah, that's great, thank you. But really they wanted the next one, quality time. They wanted quality time, and this is the thing about love languages, you can't buy someone over with words of affirmation if really they

what they want is quality time. You can't replace physical touch with a gift. And then the last fifth one is acts of service. People want support, people want help when you go out of your way. I had one friend who wants acts of service and so nothing else is considered as important as an act of service. She feels you can't be a friend if there hasn't been an act of service. Asking your partner what their love language is is a really useful skill, a really powerful skill because it gives that opportunity, it gives that ability for someone to tell you how they want to be loved.

Now when it's their birthday, if what they want is words of affirmation, you might write them a poem, you might write them the longest card ever, you might write them a secret clue that leads to all these different things that they learn about themselves. If someone wants acts of service, you may make them breakfast in bed instead of buying them

a gift and often you're like, well, I just bought you an amazing gift, why don't you happen? They're like, but I'm really looking for acts of service. So asking someone what their love language is helps you love them better. And that can be a work colleague and be a friend. It can be anyone in your life.

The sixth question, which is stuff that I'm really working on right now that I can't wait to share with you in my next book, is what's your fight style? Do you run away and need to be alone? Do you wanna talk it out? Or are you someone that needs to scream and shout? Like, do I need to get used to that?

Do I need to be aware of that? What I love about these questions is you also get to open up about your answers. When you've asked a question, you get to then share with the other person, how you feel, what you're going through, what you're experiencing as well. So, fight styles, now I know, like,

Rady, she needs to sit and reflect, and I wanna talk it out. We're both not shouting people, we're not overly aggravated people, but in the beginning, I would be like, oh, well, if you don't wanna talk about it, that means you don't care about it. And she'd be like, I do care about it, but I need to think about it. And then I'd be like, all right, well, let's meet in

the middle. When do we talk about this? Let's set a time so that we do get there. A lot of this requires cooperation. But if we don't have the basic cooperation, chances are, we don't really have a strong relationship. And that's painful to understand. But it's true that a relationship requires a lot of collaboration and cooperation. So if we're not collaborating and cooperating on this, makes it really tough. So truthfully, understanding each other's fights, style saves you a lot of energy and time. If you never asked that question, you left guessing, wishing, waiting, hoping, so many different things that are going on, right? So many different things. Now, the

seventh question is, and this is the toughest one, the hardest one, is this relationship going in the direction you want it to go? If not, what is the direction? And shall we both commit to that? Can we both commit to that? This is one of those questions that you wait to ask when you feel really confident in a relationship. I just spent the last couple of days with my business partner behind all of our incredible programs. If you're not a genius member, make sure you check out jshreddeginius.com, big shout out to all our genius members listening to our coaching certification, our accredited coaches, our life coaches,

jshadidcoaching.com My friend and business partner who helped develop these things with me We just spent four days together in LA. We hadn't seen each other during the pandemic because he lives in London and I live in LA and We were asking this question are we going in the direction we want to go in and we've realized that without asking that question, we were moving on default, things were progressing, we were doing great work, but we couldn't identify the direction we wanted to go in. And now that we've done that over four days, I can't wait for what's coming to you.

Like, I cannot express to you how excited I am about all the amazing updates We have coming your way about what's happening in our world and ecosystem and that came from asking that question Is this going in the right direction? What can we do to get it in the right direction? We know we believe in each other. We know we're connected, but what do we need to do? these are the seven questions to ask to deepen any relationship and Improve vulnerability intimacy and connection. Thank you so much for listening. I hope you test these out test one of them out this week Test one out every day Give it a go in different relationships and watch how your life changes

Thanks for listening. I'll be back next week with two extra exciting episodes Of course you can listen every day. We've got an amazing library. I'll see you soon. Thanks for listening, I'll be back next week with two extra exciting episodes. Of course, you can listen every day, we've got an amazing library. I'll see you soon. Thanks everyone. Regardless of the progress you've made in life, I believe we could all benefit from wisdom on handling common problems, making life seem more manageable, now more than ever. I'm Eric Zimmer, host of the One You Feed Podcast, where I interview thought-provoking guests who offer practical wisdom that you can use to create the life you want.

25 years ago, I was homeless and addicted to heroin. I've made my way through addiction recovery, learned to navigate my clinical depression, and figured out how to build a fulfilling life. The one you feed has over 30 million downloads and was named one of the best podcasts by Apple Podcasts. Oprah Magazine named this is one of 22 podcasts to help you live your best life. You always have the chance to begin again and feed the best of yourself. The trap is the person often thinks they'll act once they feel better.

It's actually the other way around. I have had over 500 conversations with world-renowned experts and yet I'm still striving to be better. Join me on this journey. Listen to the one you feed on the I Heart Radio app Apple Podcast or wherever you get your podcasts. I am Miyaan Levan Zant and I'll be your host for The R-Spot. Each week listeners will call me live to discuss their relationship issues. Nothing will tear a relationship down faster than two people with no vision. There's y'all are just floppin' around like fish out of water.

Mommy, daddy, your ex, I'll be talking about those things and so much more. Check out the R-Spot on the iHeart video app Apple Podcast or wherever you listen to podcasts. When my daughter ran off to hop trains, I was terrified I'd never see her again, so I followed her into the train yard. This is what it sounds like inside the box car. And into the city of the rails. There I found a surprising world, so brutal and beautiful, that it changed me. But the rails do that to everyone.

There is another world out there. And if you want to play with the devil, you're going to find them down in the rail yard. I'm Denon Morton. Come with me to find out what waits for us and the city of the rails. Listen to City of the Rails on the I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Or cityoftherails.com.