On Purpose with Jay Shetty - 7 Simple Ways to Build Confidence & How to Feel Stronger and More Empowered in Relationships and Work

Episode Date: February 26, 2021

You know and love this podcast. Jay’s exclusive Genius workshops and meditations take your well-being to the next level. Try them today at https://shetty.cc/OnPurposeGenius When Jay was a kid, he g...ot up in front of his class only to be laughed off stage by his peers. This event easily could have made him scared to speak in public again. But instead, facing his fears helped him build the confidence to not only speak in public, but create a podcast that is listened to by millions of people. On this episode of On Purpose with Jay Shetty, Jay Shetty dispels the myths about confidence and provides simple tools to feel stronger and more empowered in your relationships, work, and life.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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Starting point is 00:00:00 I am Dr. Romani and I am back with season two of my podcast, Navigating Narcissism. This season we dive deeper into highlighting red flags and spotting a narcissist before they spot you. Each week you'll hear stories from survivors who have navigated through toxic relationships, gaslighting, love bombing, and their process of healing. Listen to Navigating Narcissism on the iHeartRadio app app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Munga Shatekler and it turns out astrology is way more widespread than any of us want to believe. You can find it in major league baseball, international banks, K-pop groups, even the White House. But just when I thought I had a handle on this subject,
Starting point is 00:00:45 something completely unbelievable happened to me, and my whole view on astrology changed. Whether you're a skeptic or a believer, give me a few minutes because I think your ideas are about to change too. Listen to Skyline Drive on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. The therapy for Black Girls podcast
Starting point is 00:01:05 is your space to explore mental health, personal development, and all of the small decisions we can make to become the best possible versions of ourselves. I'm your host, Dr. Joy Harden Bradford, a licensed psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia, and I can't wait for you to join the conversation every Wednesday. Listen to the Therapy for Black Girls podcast on the iHeart Radio app, Apple podcast,
Starting point is 00:01:29 or wherever you get your podcast. Take good care. Are you in a toxic negative place? I need to get out of it. Are you looking for better ways to navigate life, career, love, friendship, and more? Then geniuses for you. I do a few free workshops a year for the public, but the majority of the time I'm going live in weekly private genius workshops and meditations. It's been shown that just 90 days of genius workshops and meditations improve happiness by 40%, reduce anxiety by 25%, and increase daily motivation by 75%. It's incredible.
Starting point is 00:02:06 But how does it work? Genius lets you access personal coaching with me in three different ways. You'll meet me inside weekly live coaching workshops and meditations with the group. You'll be able to access hours and hours of personal coaching with me on the Genius app. And you'll get to go on Genius Journeys
Starting point is 00:02:22 and experience curated workshop sequences that are designed to achieve a specific goal for you. You can sign up at jshedde Genius.com today. I can't wait to welcome you into the Genius community. See you on the inside. Did you ever look at someone and think, wow, I wish I had what they had. I wish I could talk to strangers and make friends easily. I wish I was that charming in a group. I wish I could sing like that. I wish I could share like that.
Starting point is 00:02:56 I wish I could dance like that. I wish I had more confidence. We often think of something as confidence as something you're born with, you have it or you don't. But today I'm going to clear up some of the myths we have around confidence, and that's one of them by the way. And I'm going to show you seven specific things you can start doing today to become more confident, whether it's in relationships at work or wherever you want to feel stronger and more empowered. I want to start today with a story.
Starting point is 00:03:28 Three actually, the first is about a boy growing up in China. One day, his elementary school teacher said the students were going to take part in an exercise where they gave one another compliments. When a fellow student said something nice about you, you could go to the front of the room and choose from a pile of gifts.
Starting point is 00:03:46 The boy was excited. Along with his classmates, he gave the other students compliments and watched as they smiled and collected their gifts. Yet, as the exercise went on, no one said anything about him. In the end, his teacher just looked at him and said, OK, go and get your gift. As the years went by, he never forgot that day and the intense rejection he felt. The next is also a story of a young boy, this one in London. One day, the boy had to get up on stage
Starting point is 00:04:19 in front of his class and share something of his family's cultural traditions. He was all dressed up in a special outfit his mum had prepared for him and as he walked on stage right away he heard the sound of laughter. He was mortified but he tried to persist stumbling through the song he'd learned. The laughter got so bad that finally his teacher had to come and gently lead him off stage. Finally, his teacher had to come and gently lead him off stage. He was so embarrassed, he thought he might never recover. Then there was an up-and-coming actress. She finally landed apart on a television pilot.
Starting point is 00:04:54 The show was picked up for production, but she was not. Her part was recast. Then she landed another pilot, and the same thing happened again. The show was purchased for production only without her. She was replaced by another actor. It was discouraging to say the least. For most of us, any of these situations would be enough to wreck our self-confidence. We've heard the old saying, if at first you don't succeed, try try again.
Starting point is 00:05:23 That sounds great, but it's not that easy, right? Similarly, I've heard people say, to build your confidence, you just need to do things, to try them and keep trying. There's some truths to that, for sure. But for most of us, especially if we've had the experiences anything like those three stories I just shared with you, it's not so simple.
Starting point is 00:05:44 That's myth number one about building confidence. That we can just do it. We can just try it. Here's the truth. There isn't one way to confidence. And most of us can't just do it because building confidence has two distinct components. And we have to pay attention to both if we want to be successful. Those components are beliefs and behaviors. Myth number two about building confidence is that it's entirely about our psychology or our mindset, that it's entirely about our beliefs in ourselves. The truth is that when we feel a lack of confidence
Starting point is 00:06:20 about certain situations, whether it's public speaking or asking someone out on a date, one reason can simply be a lack of practice. Confidence is based on our beliefs about ourselves, along with the behaviors we undertake. So we need to look at both the psychology of self-confidence and also the actual skills that enable and support us to be confident. I hope that makes sense.
Starting point is 00:06:43 Let's look first at skills and behaviors. There's a great quote by championship coach Monica Audama, who says to her team, keep going until you get it right, and then keep going until you can't get it wrong. Now I'm sure you've all heard the advice that you have to practice if you want to get good at something to gain confidence,
Starting point is 00:07:02 but it's not just any practice that matters, it's precise practice. You want to get super clear on the pieces of skills that need the most work, or that are your weak spots and zero in on those. I have a friend who was really scared of getting on stage as so many of us are. And yet, lots of her friends told her
Starting point is 00:07:22 that she was really funny and she'd try and open mic night. And as afraid as she was of getting up there and no one laughing, she really wanted to try it. So she got some information about a local storytelling show and she wrote her story. But she was still really nervous. What if she forgot? She couldn't use notes.
Starting point is 00:07:42 What if she got distracted and lost her place? So she started using every free moment she had to practice her story. But she didn't just keep going over it. She noticed the parts where she was most likely to get stuck and practice those more. And she not only practiced her words, but she also practiced keeping her focus, which is a separate skill. She practiced it at times and in places where she was likely to be distracted,
Starting point is 00:08:10 like in the kitchen while cooking a meal or while commuting. So she could have the experience of having to pause then picking up where she left off. When it came time to finally perform the story in front of a live audience of hundreds, it was a big success. And even though she often had to take unplanned pauses to account for the laughter, she never lost her place. She created confidence through precise practice.
Starting point is 00:08:36 By the time they were announcing her on stage, she was fidgeting in jittery and absolutely could not wait to get out there and perform this story. And there's another myth that I want to dispel. Myth number three is that when we feel that fluttering in our chest and those cold hands or sweaty palms, we assume that's anxiety and fear, that it's our lack of confidence. The truth is that sometimes it's just excitement. The body signals are similar. The rapid heartbeat, the shaking hands, but sometimes we're too quick to label something
Starting point is 00:09:12 as anxiety or fear that's really just getting our energy up to perform, to give the presentation, to go and introduce yourself. And research shows that if we tell ourselves in those moments that were anxious and nervous, it actually leads to worse performance than if we tell ourselves we're just excited. So that's another little trick. Tell yourself you're excited and you'll feel more confident. I use this all the time when I'm about to go on stage, when I'm interviewing someone that I really admire for my podcast. Also, being a bit nervous isn't a bad thing. It signals that you care how you do and about the outcome.
Starting point is 00:09:55 In fact, when we're not at all nervous, sometimes we start to slack off and get complacent and not pay as much attention because we think, I've got this. A little nervousness shows humility, not low self-esteem, and humility keeps us focused. It's like if you've ever seen a basketball player get a ball on a breakaway, and they're wide open, they go for the dunk, and they miss it. They were so overconfident, they lost focus. Okay, so let's look at another aspect of confidence.
Starting point is 00:10:24 When we lack confidence, why is that? For most of us, it's a fear of failure, right? A fear of rejection. And we're afraid of what that will tell us about ourselves that we can't do it. And what it may tell others that we're losers, not only that we failed, but that we are failures. Myth number four is that our failures define us. That's a myth, right? They don't define us. There's some truth to that that they affect us,
Starting point is 00:10:54 but not in a negative way. Failures can define us if we use them to move forward, but mostly we think that failure will finish us. I do a lot of coaching and I train people to be coaches and something we coaches see so often is that the biggest thing holding people back is fear, our own fear of trying and failing. So sometimes we go through and exercise with them
Starting point is 00:11:18 and this is one you can do for yourself and that I encourage you to do. We take them through a then what happens exercise. It goes something like this. Let's say you've been wanting to ask someone out or you're afraid you'll be rejected. I'll ask you, what happens if you're rejected? You might say I'd feel embarrassed.
Starting point is 00:11:36 Then I'll ask what happens if you feel embarrassed. Maybe you'll say I'd go home and eat a pint of ice cream. Then I'll ask what happens if you go home and eat a pint of ice cream. Maybe you'd feel guilty. Okay, none of those feel great. I'll grant you that. But notice what didn't happen. The world didn't fall apart. You didn't lose all of your friends. Somewhere in there you got up the next day and brushed your teeth and got dressed and went to work. It wasn't fun, but the world kept turning. It wasn't a catastrophe.
Starting point is 00:12:07 You've got an over-disappointment and embarrassments before. I know you have. And you've succeeded at things too. We all have. We've all failed and we've all succeeded. But because of negativity bias, our brains are more prone to look to focus on our past failures. So here's a concrete practice to bolster your confidence. Look for evidence of your past success and write it down. And here success includes every time you failed or were rejected and the world didn't end. That's a success too. So if this is something you struggle with, I want you to make two lists.
Starting point is 00:12:44 Get out your paper or your notes and make two columns and title one failures and the other successes. In the failures column, take five minutes to write down everything you can think of that you tried that didn't work out the way you wanted. You asked that boy in fifth grade to be your boyfriend and he said no. You tried cooking a romantic dinner for your partner and burned the dessert. You applied for a job you really wanted and didn't get it. Even if it hurt, even if it was truly painful, you're still here. That's what's important. You're still in the game. That's a win.
Starting point is 00:13:18 Here's the thing. When we focus on failure, it's because we fear that failure is fatalistic and final. That's myth number five. That failure signals the end. In reality, failure is usually far less dramatic. We didn't get the part, the job, the raise, the date. Most of the rest of the world never even knows about it. I was watching a interview with Kobe Bryant the other day, who we were so grateful to have on the podcast ourselves. But this was another interview and he was saying failure doesn't exist. Right, failure doesn't exist.
Starting point is 00:13:53 And everyone was like, what do you mean? Obviously people fail. And he said something brilliant. Kobe Bryant said that if you think about snow white or if you think about any of these movies we all watch, they all say and it ended happily ever after. that if you think about Snow White or if you think about any of these movies we all watch, they all say, and it ended happily ever after. But he says they never show you what happened after that.
Starting point is 00:14:10 They never show you the argument or the disagreement. And he said, because the story continues. He said, that's the same for happily ever after. It's the same for failure is final. The story continues. Legendary hockey player Wayne Gretzky once said, you miss 100% of the shots you don't take. Failure is only the end. Failure is only final when it makes us quit.
Starting point is 00:14:40 As long as we're trying, as long as we're making meaningful progress, we're in the middle, not the end. One thing we can do to minimize the sting of failure is to inoculate ourselves against it. Remember the first story I told you about the young boy in China whose classmates didn't say one positive thing about him? He went for years in his life where he didn't try things because he was so afraid of failing. Finally, as he was approaching 30, he realized all of this fear was keeping him from truly living. Yet, he was still terrified of rejection. Then one day, he came across the idea of exposure therapy. Exposure therapy is essentially doing the thing that scares you, like being near spiders or flying in an airplane.
Starting point is 00:15:28 Often it's undertaken with assistance from a certified coach or licensed therapist, and that can be incredibly helpful and for some a necessary thing. But this man, his name is Gia Giaeng. He decided to do this himself. For 100 days, he would do one thing every day that he was so sure would get him rejected, with the idea that he could get used to rejection
Starting point is 00:15:53 and minimize its impact on him. Not only that, he decided he would film himself getting rejected and post it on a blog. On day one, trembling, he walked up to a big, burly security guard who worked in his building and asked him if he could borrow $100. No, the man said, why, Jiang? No, the man said, why? Jiang was so nervous, he just apologized and literally ran away. Later, when he reviewed the video, something struck him. It was the contrast
Starting point is 00:16:24 between how scared he had been to approach this man, and how scary the man had not been in his reaction to the question. In fact, he had even calmly asked Jyang to explain why he needed the money. It wasn't nearly as bad as Jyang had thought. So he kept going, and I have to say, the things he tried got really funny. Like, he asked someone at a donut shop to make him a set of donuts that look like the Olympic rings. He showed up on a stranger's doorstep
Starting point is 00:16:52 with a potted flower and asked to plant the flower in his backyard. But guess what? In each of these cases, they said, yes. The donut shop worker actually figured out a way to make the Olympic rings. And when Jiang asked a stranger why he couldn't plant the flower in his yard, the man explained that his dog would likely dig it up and ruin it.
Starting point is 00:17:12 But he suggested he tried the neighbor across down the street who loved flowers. So Jiang went across the street and sure enough, the woman was happy to plant the flower. Jiang ended up learning so much during this 100-day quest, far more than just softening the blow of rejection, which he did accomplish, but also about the nature of human connection. He went on to create an entire company around helping others conquer their fear of rejection.
Starting point is 00:17:42 There's a quote that's attributed to Eleanor Rosewell that maybe you've heard. It's, what would you do if you knew you could not fail? I want to reframe that quote. I like to think of it as, what would you do if you had no fear of failure? There's a difference there. As G&Gang learned, we can fail at all kinds of things. It's how we frame failure that matters. And this relates to myth number six, that if I have to work hard at something, it's not meant for me. Ji-A-Jang worked hard at overcoming his fear of rejection by practicing rejection, and he got good at it. Here's something you may have heard me say before, and I'm going to repeat it now because it's so important. Don't fall into the trap of mistaking weaknesses
Starting point is 00:18:30 for inexperience. That's where some of our confidence disappears. I'm Jay Shetty, and on my podcast on purpose, I've had the honor to sit down with some of the most incredible hearts and minds on the planet. Oprah, everything that has happened to you can also be a strength builder for you if you allow it. Kobe Bryant. The results don't really matter. It's the figuring out that matters.
Starting point is 00:18:56 Kevin Haw. It's not about us as a generation at this point. It's about us trying our best to create change. Luron's Hamilton. That's for me being taken that moment for yourself each day, being kind to yourself. Because I think for a long time I wasn't kind to myself. And many, many more. If you're attached to knowing, you don't have a capacity to learn. On this podcast, you get to hear the raw real-life stories behind their journeys.
Starting point is 00:19:20 And the tools they used, the books they read, and the people that made a difference in their lives so that they can make a difference in hours. Listen to on-purpose with Jay Shetty on the iHart Radio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. Join the journey soon. I'm Mungesh Chatekhar and to be honest, I don't believe in astrology, but from the moment I was born, it's been a part of my life. In India, it's like smoking. You might not smoke, but you're going to get secondhand astrology. And lately, I've been wondering if the universe has been trying to tell me to stop running and
Starting point is 00:19:53 pay attention, because maybe there is magic in the stars if you're willing to look for it. So I rounded up some friends and we dove in and let me tell you, it got weird fast. Tantric curses, major league baseball teams, canceled marriages, K-pop! But just what I thought I had to handle on this sweet and curious show about astrology, my whole world can crash down. Situation doesn't look good, there is risk too far. And my whole view on astrology? It changed.
Starting point is 00:20:28 Whether you're a skeptic or a believer, I think your ideas are going to change too. Listen to Skyline Drive and the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, it's Debbie Brown, and my podcast, Deeply Well, is a soft place to land on your wellness journey. I hold conscious conversations with leaders and radical healers and wellness and mental
Starting point is 00:20:51 health around topics that are meant to expand and support you on your journey. From guided meditations to deep conversations with some of the world's most gifted experts in self-care, trauma, psychology, spirituality, astrology, and even intimacy. Here is where you'll pick up the tools to live as your highest self. Make better choices. Heal and have more joy. My work is rooted in advanced meditation, metaphysics, spiritual psychology, energy healing, and trauma-informed practices.
Starting point is 00:21:21 I believe that the more we heal and grow within ourselves, the more we are able to bring our creativity to life and live our purpose, which leads to community impact and higher consciousness for all beings. Deeply well with Debbie Brown is your soft place to land, to learn, to grow, to become who you deserve to be. Deeply well is available now on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Big love. Namaste. If you look back on some of my earliest interviews I did it the people years ago, I don't think they were nearly as good as the ones I'm doing today.
Starting point is 00:22:00 I'm not trying to be hard on myself or say I did a bad job, but it's that there's always room for improvement. Hopefully in a few more years, there'll be even better. I'm not naturally gifted at interviews and presentations. In fact, remember story number two I shared at the start of the podcast? That kid who was laughed off stage by his classmates? That was me. I might never have ended up where I am today, as someone who's now done thousands of talks and videos and podcast episodes, if it wasn't for my parents. When I was aged 11, they enrolled me in an afterschool drama and public speaking program that I attended three hours a day, three days a week, for seven years.
Starting point is 00:22:37 If we want to become more confident, we have to be honest with ourselves that sometimes it's because we're put off by the effort it will take to become truly good at whatever it is we want to do. We think we have to jump this enormous gap to get from where we are to where we want to be. And yes, if I tried to go from the crying kid on the stage to podcast host and public speaker, it would have been a huge leap. But because I was in that seven year program, because I then created a club at my college, whereas a weekly presenter, because I then taught classes to my fellow monks, each of those things made that gap smaller. I've now been public speaking since I was 11, I'm 33, that's 22 years of speaking experience.
Starting point is 00:23:21 But I get it. It can still be really hard to get on the path. Here's what I want you to realize. Being confident isn't about having unending courage. That's myth number seven. The truth is that confidence is rarely about constant bravery. More often, it's about one bold moment. That moment you sign up for the course or the open mic night or to schedule that conversation with your boss. That instant you sign up for the course or the open mic night or to schedule that conversation with your boss. That instant you decide to take action, that's where you need real confidence. The rest, the doing, the performing, the negotiating can come off with learning and with precise
Starting point is 00:23:56 practice. And now we're getting into the other component of confidence, the psychology. Contrary to what people often think, neither I nor anyone else can motivate you, we can't make you believe in yourself. That's an inside job. What I can do and what a great coach does is help you connect with your own internal motivation and belief. Here's what I love, the fact that you're listening to this, the fact that you're one of the people wondering, Jay, how can I be more confident? That fact alone tells me that you believe it's possible. Belief may be the single most powerful tool for building confidence. Stanford psychologist Carol Dweck,
Starting point is 00:24:35 the originator of the idea of mindset, has shown that some of the most popular theories in psychology are only true if we believe them to be. For example, studies on decision-farteeed showed popular theories in psychology are only true if we believe them to be. For example, studies on decision fatigue showed that when people were put in a position where they had to make multiple decisions, all of this decision-making resulted in decreased brain power. They didn't perform as well on challenging tasks afterwards.
Starting point is 00:25:00 Dweck's work showed that this was indeed true, but only for people who believed it was true. Those who didn't believe in the concept of decision fatigue did not experience either the same amount or any decrease in performance at all. If you believe you can become more confident, you've already taken the first and biggest psychological step to achieving it. Another way we can bridge the gap between where we are and the confidence we want to feel is by acting like you're already on the other side of that gap. Myth number eight is that you have to be confident to act with confidence. You've heard the advice to fake
Starting point is 00:25:35 it until you make it. According to research or any cutting, acting confident not only makes others see you as such, but more importantly, actually makes you more confident. Now, this isn't fakely being confident. This isn't pretending. It's practicing what a confident person does. For example, instead of waiting around for someone to talk to you, you may introduce yourself. That's not fake. It's not inauthentic.
Starting point is 00:25:57 It's stepping forward into being confident. Cudi observed groups of business school students and noticed that among them there were two distinct types of body language. One was upright, open and comfortable, taking up space. The other was closed and compact. People were slouching and making themselves small. Kadi also noticed that the group with bigger body language participated in the classes more than the reserved group. She started to wonder what would happen if the small group took on the postures of the big group. So she created a study where for two minutes people would assume what she called a high power pose, like standing with your feet wide and your hands on your hips or a low power pose, such as being in a chair and slumped, then each participant answered a series of questions and played a game involving gambling.
Starting point is 00:26:48 Researchers also took a saliva sample to get some physiological data. Cardiano team found that people who did the high-power poses were far more likely to gamble, which they noted was an indicator of confidence. But this is where it gets super interesting. They also had a 20% increase in testosterone, which is also associated with confidence, and a 25% decrease in the stress hormone cortisol, just from holding a high-power posture for two minutes.
Starting point is 00:27:15 Those who held the low-power posture experienced a 20% drop in testosterone, and a 15% increase in cortisol. In a follow-up study, Kadi and her team had participants do high or lower power poses before stressful job interviews. Consistently, the candidates, the interviewers, wanted to hire with those who dumbed the high power poses before the interview. Now, I don't actually call this fake until you make it. If you can fake it, then it doesn't feel natural, But if it's in you, then it's not fake. You know what I mean? You're just using
Starting point is 00:27:48 the idea of acting to help you initiate that burst of confidence you need. So I want you to try that. Try using power postures to boost your confidence. The next time you need to connect with that burst of confidence, to give that presentation or to start that conversation, first do a power pose for at least two minutes. Now you're probably not going to want to do it standing in front of the person you want to talk to or a group that's assembled, that would be a little odd. But in an office or a break room, stand with your feet, hip distance apart, and with your hands on your hips, the superhero pose. Or do in front of the mirror, or even stretch your arms out in a V, or make fists and thrust
Starting point is 00:28:23 them in the air like your Muhammad Ali, and you just want to match. The key is that whatever the pose, your spine is extended, and your posture and the front of your body are open. Now here's another specific tool you can use in these critical moments when confidence is called for. It's a little counterintuitive, but it really works for me. It's express gratitude. As I've said before, when we feel gratitude, we can't feel anxiety, fear, or apprehension. Before you go on stage,
Starting point is 00:28:52 before you have that conversation, express gratitude for the opportunity that also connects you with the power of humility and calms your nerves and lowers the stakes. Focus on thankfulness, quite focusing on thankfulness, quite the ego. You can thank your teachers, your mentors, the moment, the opportunity. So stop and breathe deeply, in through your nose and out through your mouth, and think of something you're truly grateful for about in that moment. And don't just think it,
Starting point is 00:29:19 feel it in your body. As I always say, believe it in your body, mean it in your mind, and feel it in your heart. Another strategy always say, believe it in your body, mean it in your mind, and feel it in your heart. Another strategy for building confidence is to look at what's draining your confidence. I've talked in the past about removing negative energy from your life or at least minimizing the impact of negative people. But what about situations?
Starting point is 00:29:39 You may have passed experiences that are keeping you from being confident. To address those, we want to learn how to characterize situations and experiences properly. Remember that third story I told you about the actress who starred in two pilots that were picked up, but she was dumped? That can be a confidence-crushing event. It might even make some people quit acting. But fortunately, this actress didn't quit. She went on to land the starring role
Starting point is 00:30:07 in the hit series, Scandal. And that actress, as you've probably now guessed, is Kerry Washington. It's hard to imagine Kerry Washington getting fired. She's such a powerful actress and so good at what she does. And she was able to persist in spite of what undoubtedly were huge disappointments in large part because she knew how to characterize those two experiences. In both cases, Washington says, the show creators wanted her to be more urban and as she puts it, more hood. It wasn't that she failed, it was simply that those roles weren't a good match for her. Scandal on the other hand was a perfect fit. So when we think about our past experiences, and we lose confidence because of events
Starting point is 00:30:51 or incidents or even relationships that we perceive as times where we failed, let's revisit some of those and re-act characterize them. Go ahead and think of just one right now. I'm going to propose that the reason the situation didn't go the way you wanted was because of one or more of four factors that fit the acronym fast. Wrong fit, wrong approach, wrong skill set, or wrong timing. F-A-S-T, fit approach, skill set, or timing. Were you the right fit? In your experience, when you didn't get the job
Starting point is 00:31:27 or when your boyfriend or girlfriend broke up with you, did you match what the company or the other person was looking for? If the answer is no, that's not a failure on your part. It was just the wrong fit. Why attach your confidence in yourself and your abilities to a situation that couldn't have worked? Maybe in that interview or relationship,
Starting point is 00:31:46 did you make it all about them or all about you? Did you support them or not support you? Was it the wrong approach? Or were you simply not prepared or inexperienced? Did you not prep for the interview well or did you still just have a lot of learning to do on what skills you needed? Or was it the right
Starting point is 00:32:05 personal job, but the wrong timing? Maybe another time it would have worked out. I want you to take that one experience and look at it through this lens. Re-characterize it properly. It's not a failure. It's re-characterizing that you need. And here's my last strategy for building confidence. Let's go back to the idea of wrong approach.
Starting point is 00:32:31 One of the key areas so many of us are really looking to build our confidence is in talking to others and in relationship building. Like we say we're really bad at small talk, we get tongue tied, or we come on too strong or say something awkward, here's my strategy for that. To build confidence in conversations, lead with curiosity. Here's the big secret. You don't have to do and say all the right things about yourself to get someone to like
Starting point is 00:32:55 you or to want to work with you. True connection starts with paying attention. It starts with focusing on the other person person and we can do this simply by letting our curiosity guide us. You can start with a simple what brings you here or how do you like these kinds of events or on a Zoom call you can focus sitting on something someone's wearing or art in the background or something around them to say, hey what does that mean to you? When did you get that? Have you visited that beautiful place in the background of your living room, work of art, whatever it may be. Additionally, research shows that when two strangers are introduced and when one
Starting point is 00:33:29 mostly asks questions and listens to the other's answers, the person who did most of the talking reports high levels of liking the questioner and wanting to speak to them again. Plus, this approach takes the pressure of you. There are so many more ways to build your confidence but those are some specific tactics you can start today. Go back and relisten because I shared a lot with you. Make notes, share with a friend or partner, try them out these week, experiment and practice. Thank you so much for listening to the show. I'm so grateful to each and every one of you and it's going to be a great week because you're living your life on purpose.
Starting point is 00:34:16 Hey guys, this is Jay again just a few more quick things before you leave. I know we try to focus on the good every day and I want to make that easier for you. Would you like to get a short email from me every week that gives you an extra dose of positivity? Weekly Wisdom is my newsletter where I jot down whatever's on my mind that I think may uplift your week. Basically, little bits of goodness that are going to improve your well-being. The short newsletter is all about growth and sending positivity straight to your inbox. Read it with a cup of tea, forward it to a friend,
Starting point is 00:34:46 and let these words brighten your day. To sign up, just go to jshetty.me and drop your email in the pop-up. If you have trouble finding it, just scroll to the very bottom of the page and you'll see the sign up. Thank you so much, and I hope you enjoy my weekly wisdom newsletter. This podcast was produced by Dust Light Productions. Our executive producer from Dust Light is Misha Yusuf.
Starting point is 00:35:12 Our senior producer is Julianne Bradley. Our associate producer is Jacqueline Castillo. Valentino Rivera is our engineer. Our music is from Blue Dot Sessions and special thanks to Rachel Garcia, the Dustlight Development and Operations Coordinator. I'm Danny Shapiro, host of Family Secrets. It's hard to believe we're entering our eighth season and yet we're constantly
Starting point is 00:35:41 discovering new secrets. The variety of them continues to be astonishing. I can't wait to share 10 incredible stories with you, stories of tenacity, resilience, and the profoundly necessary excavation of long-held family secrets. Listen to season eight of Family Secrets on the I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you'll get your podcasts.
Starting point is 00:36:09 Regardless of the progress you've made in life, I believe we could all benefit from wisdom on handling common problems, making life seem more manageable, now more than ever. I'm Eric Zimmer, host of the One-Dee Feed Podcast, where I interview thought-provoking guests who offer practical wisdom that you can use to create the life you want. 25 years ago, I was homeless and addicted to heroin. I've made my way through addiction recovery, learned to navigate my clinical depression and figured out how to build a fulfilling life. The one you feed has over 30 million downloads
Starting point is 00:36:35 and was named one of the best podcasts by Apple Podcast. Oprah Magazine named this is one of 22 podcasts to help you live your best life. You always have the chance to begin again and feed the best of yourself. The trap is the person often thinks they'll act once they feel better. It's actually the other way around. I have had over 500 conversations with world-renowned experts and yet I'm still striving to be better.
Starting point is 00:37:01 Join me on this journey. Listen to the one you feed on the I Heart Radio app Apple Podcast or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Eva Longoria and I'm Maite Gomes-Rajon. We're so excited to introduce you to our new podcast hungry for history. On every episode we're exploring some of our favorite dishes ingredients beverages from our Mexican culture. We'll share personal memories and family stories, decode culinary customs, and even provide a recipe or two for you to try at home. Listen to Hungry for History on the I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

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