On Purpose with Jay Shetty - 7 Things Confident People Do Differently & How to Build the Habits in Your Life

Episode Date: November 12, 2021

Confident people aren’t naturally confident. Confidence is a skill that you learn, develop, and then practice. Yes, it’s a skill that you continuously develop through constant practice. But how do you learn this skill? How do you start to become confident? What can you do to learn this skill?In this episode of On Purpose, Jay Shetty shares how confident people stay confident and the daily ways to help improve yourself. Sama Tea is now available! Go to http://samatea.com/onpurpose to order a box of Sama now and get access to our free live monthly tea parties, be the first to try out new tea flavors and receive a free exclusive download that shows my personal routine and rituals.Key Takeaways:00:00 Intro03:38 How successful people do things differently04:24 Principle #1: Say YES and then figure it out09:45 Principle #2: It’s also important to say NO when it’s against your values14:25 Principle #3: Work in alignment with your DREAM15:54 Principle #4: Focus on IMPROVEMENT nor perfection18:45 Principle #5: TALK LESS around unintelligent conversations21:30 Principle #6: Ask POWERFUL questions23:43 Principle #7: Discuss IDEAS and work on your VULNERABILITYLike this show? Please leave us a review here - even one sentence helps! Post a screenshot of you listening on Instagram & tag us so we can thank you personally!See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

I'm Jay Shetty and on my podcast on purpose, I've had the honor to sit down with some of the most incredible hearts and minds on the planet. Oprah, Kobe Bryant, Kevin Hart, Louis Hamilton, and many, many more. On this podcast, you get to hear the raw real-life stories behind their journeys and the tools they used, the books they read, and the people that made a difference in their lives so that they can make a difference in hours. Listen to on purpose with Jay Shetty on the I Heart Radio app, Apple podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Join the journey soon. What if you could tell the whole truth about your life, including all those tender and visible things we don't usually talk about?

I'm Megan Devine. Host of the podcast, it's okay that you're not okay. Look everyone's at least a little bit not okay these days, and all those things we don't usually talk about, maybe we should. This season, I'm joined by stellar guests like Abbermote, Rachel Cargol, and so many more. It's okay that you're not okay. New episodes each and every Monday, available on the iHeartRadio app or wherever you listen to podcasts. I am Jan Levan Zant, and I'll be your host for The R-Spot.

Each week listeners will call me live to discuss their relationship issues. Nothing will tear a relationship down faster than two people with no vision. There's y'all are just floppin' around like fish out of water. Mommy, daddy, your ex, I'll be talking about those things and so much more. Check out the R-Spawn on the iHeart video app Apple Podcast or wherever you listen to podcasts. So there are some opportunities that you need to say yes to to accelerate your dreams. And there are some opportunities you need to say no to to accelerate your dreams.

Saying no doesn't mean you're slowing down and saying yes doesn't always mean you're speeding up. And so say yes when you get an opportunity to learn something. Say yes when you get an opportunity to grow in a certain way. And say no when it doesn't sit with your values. sit with your values. Hey, hey, hey, everyone. Welcome back to on purpose. I am so happy. I am so grateful.

I am so excited that you chose to be here with me right now and that we get to spend this time together, invest this time together into bettering ourselves. If you're one of the millions of people that is dedicating every single week, time, energy, presence, and attention to listen to on purpose, or whether you're someone who just started listening today,

I just wanna take a moment to say how much I value you, how much I appreciate you, how grateful I am to you, and just what an incredible community we have. As I've been saying, I am so excited for the day I can go on tour with on purpose, meet you all in person, give you all a big hug, and we can share that energy in one space. I'm going to be reading a few reviews from ones that I've been finding on Apple and Spotify. So if you haven't left a review, please do it. It makes a huge difference to the podcast. So here's one that I love. This is from Ashtonah. Hey, Jay, I love your podcast and I listen to it twice a week during my commute to work. Maya Shank is one of my favorite guest episodes because she seems so happy and filled with energy

and she has inspired me to continue to follow passion for psychology. That's awesome, I love hearing that. She goes on to say, I love your work, Jay, listening to your podcast has helped me be a better person and peer for many people. I am able to show up and serve them with love, patience and grace.

I love that, Ashina. Thank you so much. Now this one is from Dana. Wow, Jay, each episode hits in a different way, but always exactly what I need. You're an absolute genius. I can't express enough how grateful I am for you serving your community with on purpose. You have opened my eyes to many new concepts and reminded me of things I already knew,

but forgot along the way. This podcast is an essential part of my growth journey and has become a habit to listen to weekly. And you go on and on and it's beautiful. I feel so deeply grateful and touched by all of these messages. I'm scrolling through them right now and it's just truly, truly beautiful.

So thank you so much. So when I'm thinking about what I want to share with you, I honestly sit down to reflect on what I think I've been going through this week, what stories I've heard from clients, from friends, from family, from people that I bump into, from events that I've been to. And I realized that confidence is a big issue because with insecurity and anxiety, a lot

of the challenges we experience are because we have a lack of confidence. And as someone who believes that confidence is a habit and a muscle that has to be constantly practiced and developed, I wanted to share with you this episode, which is going to introduce you to the seven habits that confident people possess, and how they do things differently. And they also do things differently

to how we perceive confidence. So there are going to be many moments in this episode where I think you're going to be surprised by what I say or there's going to be an insight that is going to make you think again and make you stop pause and reflect. And as I always say, I'm trying to help give you more insight, but also deeper insight. So this podcast is going to go deeply into confidence beyond the stereotype, superficial advice we hear about how to be confident in this episode. I'm going to take you a step deeper. Now the first principle, which is so powerful and so important, is saying yes and then figuring it out.

The thing I love about this principle is that when you say yes and then choose to figure it out, you've placed positive pressure on yourself to have to figure it out. Now if you were asked to do something and you didn't know how to do it and you said, no, what happens? You lose the opportunity, but more importantly, you lose the opportunity to learn. Now that you've said, no,

you don't have to grow. Now that you've said, no, you don't have to learn. Now that you've said, no, you have no need to follow up. That's it. End of the story. It's done. But when you say yes, you now have created that positive pressure to say, okay, well, how long do I have to learn this? Okay, I've got six weeks. Okay, let me make a plan. Let me get focused. Let me get activated. Let me get scheduled, planned, organized.

So not only have you gained an opportunity, you've gained the opportunity to develop skills. And it's so much more about the skills you developed than even the opportunity. Now, I was really fortunate. I came across this quote and idea from Richard Branson very early on in my life.

I think I was around maybe 15 or 16. I still remember reading this quote. And he said, if somebody offers you an amazing opportunity, but you are not sure you can do it, say yes, then learn how to do it later. And that's exactly a trait of confident people. Why? Because the confidence isn't in, I can do it.

The confidence is, I'll find a way to learn how to do it. This isn't an arrogance or cockiness that I already know everything. Actually, it's an acceptance of what we don't know, but the hunger and the enthusiasm to learn. Now, this is such a beautiful story that comes out of Richard Branson's autobiography, Finding My Virginia. And I truly believe that this story is going to help a lot of us learn. So he remembers Richard Branson remembers, speaking to the chief financial officer at the time of the European carrier virgin

Express and the chief financial officer decided to resign so he could move back to his home country of Australia with his wife and kids. Now even though Richard Branson was saddened by this news, he understood. He got it that the chief financial officer's decision was to put his family first, and he respected that. But when they were having this phone call, and can you imagine being someone who's saying to Richard Branson, I think I'm just going to focus on my family. I'm going to move back to Australia. You know, it's done. Imagine saying that in the first place.

Well, before ending the call, Richard Branson said, if you want to do anything in Australia, let me know and we'll see what we can do. The chief financial officer, the Virgin employee, his name was Brett Godfrey. And he started to tell Richard Branson about his idea for a low-cost airline in Australia. Now Richard Branson says that he immediately liked the idea and he asked God-free to shoot over a more detailed plan for what would end up becoming Virgin Australia. Richard Branson said that Brett's plan was delivered to my door the next morning and he says that he always liked people who moved fast. And then he goes on to say that he's probably said yes too many times in his life,

but he doesn't regret a thing. And that saying yes can be a risk, but it's so, so worth it, it's so powerful. And he says life is a lot more fun when you say yes. It's amazing how that one little word can lead you on an incredible adventure. So confident people learn to say yes and then figure it out. I remember reading that statement from Richard Branson and then practicing

that in my life. And I've seen again and again and again how I've learned so much more because of it. There are so many skills that I wouldn't have today had I said no, whereas the positive pressure of learning a new skill is actually what gives me confidence. So people feel confidence is something that you have. Confidence is the understanding where you appreciate and value your own abilities and qualities, and you only value your own abilities and qualities when you grow new ones, when you create new ones. So I really want you to think about this this week. Next time you get a new opportunity, I want you to say yes, and then I want you to figure

out how to do it. I've done this time and time and time again, and it has helped me grow so many skills that I would never have had before. And so genuinely think about that when you're asked to do something this week that you may not have done before, you may have done it before, do it in this way. Say yes, I can do it. I can figure it out. Now this second habit that confident people use is it's not just important to say yes, it's also important

to say no when something is against your values. So we say yes when something is an opportunity where excited about, but you also learn to say no when something is against your values. People often say, oh, you'll be more confident if you say yes to everything. Well, often it doesn't. It brings about feelings of insecurity, of a lack of integrity. If you say yes to something that isn't something you deeply want to learn or care about or interested in or is actually against your values, if you say yes to something that's against your values, you're not going to feel confident. You're going to feel more insecure. You're going to feel less safe. So learning to say no when something is against your values

is a really important habit. Now for this, you need to know what your values are, right? And confident people know what their values are. So how do you know what your values are? Your value is what you value when you're not at work. When you're not working, which is something we all have to do, what do you prioritize? What takes the top emptiness in your schedule? What's the first thing you think about on the weekend?

That's what you value. Now you may look at that and say, well, I don't want to value that. I spend my day watching a sports game for four hours. I spend my day just lasing around with the family. I spend my day just sitting there aimlessly in front of a TV show, right? Like, if any of those are your answer and you're thinking, Jay, that's not my value. I value so much more than that. Well, then what is it that you wish you were doing with your time? What is it that you were wishing you were doing with your energy?

Because that is what you value. And so what we do in our spare time is what we value. Or what we want to do in our spare time is what we value. Now it's a ray in an interview with time in December 2016. She said, there was a moment when I was scared to speak up. Everybody was behind this one decision, and I didn't want to rock the boat. Shonda Rhymes told me about a time in her life,

where if she hadn't spoken up, her trajectory would have been different. She didn't know she could get fired. That's what gave her the confidence. So I tried to operate with the same mentality. Now, what I love about this is saying no is not easy, but saying no protects every future yes. Right? Saying no to something that doesn't feel right, that doesn't feel like it's what you want to do. In the 1680s, a feisty opera singer burned down a nunnery and stole away with her secret lover.

In 1810, a pirate queen negotiated her cruiseway to total freedom with all their loot. During World War II, a flirtatious gambling double agent helped keep D-Day a secret from the Germans. What do these stories have in common? They're all about real women who were left out of your history books. If you're tired of missing out, check out the Womanica podcast, a daily women's history podcast highlighting women you may not have heard of, but definitely should know about. I'm your host Jenny Kaplan, and for me, diving into these stories is the best part of my day. I learned something new about women from around the world and leave feeling amazed, inspired,

and sometimes shocked. Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Our 20s are seen as this golden decade. Our time to be carefree, full in love, make mistakes, and decide what we want from our life. But what can psychology really teach us about this decade? I'm Gemma Speg, the host of the Psychology of Your 20s. Each week we take a deep dive into a unique aspect of our 20s, from career anxiety, mental health, heartbreak, money, friendships,

and much more to explore the science and the psychology behind our experiences, incredible guests, fascinating topics, important science, and a bit of my own personal experience. Audrey, I honestly have no idea what's going on with my life. Join me as we explore what our 20s are really all about. From the good, the bad, and the ugly, and listen along as we uncover how everything is psychology including our 20s. The psychology of your 20s hosted by me, Gemma Speg. Now streaming on the iHotRadio app, Apple podcasts or whatever you get your podcasts.

Hey, it's Debbie Brown and my podcast deeply well is a soft place to land on your wellness journey. I hold conscious conversations with leaders and radical healers and wellness and mental health around topics that are meant to expand and support you on your journey. From guided meditations to deep conversations with some of the world's most gifted experts in self-care, trauma, psychology, spirituality, astrology, and even intimacy. Here is where you'll pick up the tools to live as your highest self. Make better choices, heal, and have more joy. My work is rooted in advanced meditation, metaphysics, spiritual psychology, energy healing, and trauma-informed practices. I believe that the more we heal and grow within ourselves,

the more we are able to bring our creativity to life, and live our purpose, which leads to community impact and higher consciousness for all beings. Deeply well with Debbie Brown is your soft place to land, to work on yourself without judgment, to heal, to learn, to grow, to become who you deserve to be. Deeply well is available now on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Big love, Namaste. I remember a company that I was working with wanted me to become more

political. They wanted me to focus on political issues. And I remember saying to them that I just didn't feel comfortable doing that because that wasn't my calling. That wasn't my purpose. That wasn't what was, what I was gravitating towards. That's not what my life and work was about. That wasn't my goal. It's not that I believe that that isn't useful. It's not that I believe that that shouldn't be something that should be important. It's just that that wasn't what it was for me. And so it was so important for me to say no to that.

I've been asked to host so many TV shows. And whenever they come my way, if it isn't truly about something I deeply care about, I'll say no. Because I don't want to be on TV, to be on TV, I want to create work that truly impacts people's lives and makes a difference, and gives you all something to watch that is going to transform you. And that requires me to hold back on this desire that I have or dream that I have to get it right. So there are some opportunities that you need to say yes to to accelerate your dreams and there are some opportunities you need to say no to to accelerate your dreams. Saying no doesn't mean you're slowing down and saying yes doesn't always mean you're speeding up. And so say yes when you get an opportunity to learn something.

Say yes when you get an opportunity to grow in a certain way. And say no when it doesn't sit with your values. This will develop confidence in yourself. That's ultimately what we're looking for. Confidence isn't about how much you have or what you've achieved. Confidence is about saying,

I did what I really care about. I do what I believed in. I commit and stay loyal to who I am. And that is why I am confident. Right? Confidence doesn't come from an achievement. Confidence comes from achieving what you really want to achieve. There's a question that I often ask people I work with is your dream really your dream. Let me ask you, is your dream really your dream? Or is it your parents dream? Or is it your partner's dream, your friends dream?

Chasing the dream that society gives you will leave you with anxiety. Let me say that again, chasing the dream that society gives you will leave you with anxiety. Let me say that again, chasing the dream that society gives you will leave you with anxiety because it will never be successful enough. You will never feel smart enough. You will never feel like you're right enough. And if someone is known for something they don't want to be known for, they will always feel unknown. If you become known for something you don't want to be known for, you will always feel unknown. I know so many people that have made such progress in an era of their life.

Maybe they're an incredible entrepreneur, maybe they're incredible on social media, but they don't feel confident because they're not known for what they truly want to be known for. So I ask you that question, whatever you're pursuing, is it aligned with who you want to be and where you want to go? That's the third principle. So habit one, we say yes, then figure it out. Habit two, we say no when it's against your values. And habit three is work in alignment with your dream, not anyone else's. Now, step number four is that confident people focus on improvement, not perfection.

We think of confident people as having it all figured out. We think of confident people as people who know exactly what they're doing. We think of confident people who focus on just crushing it and winning. But all confident people are focused on improvement, not perfection. They're focused on the improvement, not the arrival. There's so many stories about Kobe Bryant being in the gym, two hours, even before anyone else made it there. On the court, practicing before a game, doing real game moves focused on improvement.

There's so many stories of Cristiano Ronaldo, the soccer player who's at training three hours before anyone else. Today, he's like 36 going on 37 and he's still one of the best players in the world and it's phenomenal to see how someone is constantly focused on improvement. See, the thing is when you chase perfection, you can feel you've reached it and that can create complacency or you feel you never reach it and that creates overwhelm. Whereas when you focus on improvement, that's something you can always have and always measure. So so many people who focus on perfection, they either get complacent

because they feel they've reached it and then they drop or they feel they never reach it. So they're constantly putting themselves under pressure, they're constantly criticizing themselves. So you either get complacent or you get critical when you focus on perfection. But when you focus on improvement, you get enthusiasm, you get excitement, you get new experiences, you get the feeling of what it feels like to evolve. Focus on how you can improve anything where you don't feel confident right now, anywhere where you don't feel the best, feel how can I improve? How can I get better? What can I learn? What can I grow? What do I need to build? I'll

give you an example. You know, I've been creating videos now for roughly the last five years. And it's been an incredible journey. But I've constantly tried to improve and grow what I do. We launched from videos, then went to the podcast. Then from the podcast, I wrote my book. We have my genius membership and community. We have my online courses. We have my certification school, rather than I, launch our tea company. And I continue to iteratively want to improve.

I promise you I've not been perfect at any one of these things, but I've always tried to be better. I've always tried to grow. If I can be one percent better every time I take a swing, that's going to have huge improvements because I'm going to keep swinging. Now, step number five is going to be an interesting one for a lot of you. Talk less around unintelligent conversations. When you're in an unintelligent conversation, talk less.

Notice how I'm not saying unintelligent people. Notice how I'm not saying you're unintelligent friends. And when I say unintelligent, I don't mean intellectually. I mean emotionally and spiritually. If I'm around a conversation that is based around gossip, if I'm around a conversation that is about criticism, if I'm in a conversation that is negative or toxic, I talk less.

I don't try and correct people. I don't try and be the bigger person or be holier than thou. I don't try and preach to anyone. I remain silent. It's such an important quality. There's an amazing quote by Abraham Lincoln and it says, better to remain silent and be thought of for Then to speak and remove all doubt And I love that you may be saying Jay But I have important things to say I want to teach people I want to tell people to stop being negative Well, sometimes the smartest thing to do Is to be silent because they may not want to hear it at that time or from you

I'm not saying we have to be silent if someone's talking about about our friend or someone you care about, but I'm saying that often we're just in a conversation that's negatively talking about someone that we don't even know. And that no one knows in that group. Or we may be just complaining about something. In that scenario being silent saves you a lot of stress

and saves you a lot of hassle as opposed to getting stuck in and getting involved. Now in the opposite scenario, listen to this. When you're around intelligent conversations, ask more questions. So during unintelligent conversations, we usually feel like joining in makes us feel like we belong, makes us feel like we are adding to the conversation makes us bond over negative things But here's the interesting thing. Can you ever bond over something negative unless it's something negative that you went through and got over it with someone But can you bond over doing bad to others? I'm sure you can But is that the kind of bond we want? Do we want our bond with others to be based on gossip?

Do we want our bond with others to be based on criticism? No, because guess what? If you sit there and criticize people with people, guaranteed people criticize you around people, right? If you criticize people with people, that means people criticize you with other people. That's a position we don't want to be in. Now, if you're in an intelligent conversation, often the pull

or the draw is, let me say intelligent things. Let me come up with cool ideas so that everyone sees how smart I am and looks at how much I have to offer. But truly, asking questions is what helps us grow the most. It's one of the reasons why on this podcast, when I'm sitting down with a guest, I do very little speaking. And there are some really powerful questions you can ask other people. And so you want to grow prepared. I have this book by Gregory Stock, PhD, called the Book of Questions. Now, of course, the question depends on your level of relationship with someone. But this is one of my favorite questions, especially when I'm getting to know someone better.

Do you work harder to un-praise and recognition or to avoid criticism? Such a fascinating question. Do you work harder to un-praise and recognition or to avoid criticism? Right? avoid criticism, right? Another question that I absolutely love is a question that I remember will Smith mentioning to me that his son once asked him, tray. The question is, what do you worship? I think this is such a beautiful question.

What do you worship? Not what do you value? What do you worship? What do you obsess over? What are you devoted to? It's a fascinating question. Now of course, you want to make sure questions are based on the type of conversation you're having,

but you don't have to ask a question knowing about what's being spoken about. Your question is something that you prepare beforehand to be around that theme. If you're at a conference, if you're in a meeting, if you're in a group of people, ask a question. Not only will you become smarter, you will also be perceived as smarter

because you're taking interest and you're being curious. See, smarts are not only shown through intellect and knowledge. Smarts are also shown through curiosity and intrigue. And I think we need to broaden our understanding of what it truly means to be a smart individual. The final thing I want to share with you is this beautiful quote from Eleanor Roosevelt, where she said,

great minds discuss ideas, average minds discuss events, small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt said, great minds discuss ideas, average minds discuss events, small minds discuss people. What are you discussing? If you want to be confident, discuss ideas. If you want to be confident, discuss routines, practices, habits. If you want to be confident, discuss your vulnerabilities,

you don't become more confident by discussing your successes. You don't become more confident by discussing your achievements. You become more confident by talking about and working through your vulnerabilities. Notice how counter-intuitive that is, but how powerful and how important that is. That's what makes us more competent and strong, is being able to discuss our flaws, our challenges in a healthy, productive, effective way. So let us not waste our time just talking about events and people. Let us talk about ideas and see our confidence grow. I want to thank you for listening,

for trusting me with your time and energy. I want to thank you for sharing this podcast on your stories. I see each and every one of you posting. I'm always trying to share as many as I can. And I really hope that you feel more confident this week by taking more pride, more gratitude, and more appreciation in your abilities and qualities. And watch how your life changes. Thanks for listening to On Purpose. We'll see you next week. What if you could tell the whole truth about your life, including all those tender invisible things we don't usually talk about?

I'm Megan Devine. Host to the podcast, it's okay that you're not okay. Look, everyone's at least a little bit not okay these days, and all those things we don't usually talk about, maybe we should. This season, I'm joined by stellar guests like Abbermote, Rachel Cargol, and so many more. It's okay that you're not okay. New episodes each and every Monday, available on the iHeartRadio app, or wherever you listen to podcasts. What do a flirtatious gambling double agent in World War II? An opera singer who burned down an honorary to kidnap her lover, and a pirate queen who walked free with all of her spoils, haven't comment.

They're all real women who were left out of your history books. You can hear these stories and more on the Womanica podcast. Check it out on the I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen. Hi, I'm Brendan Francis Nunehm. wherever you listen. And to really understand it, try to get invited to a local's house for dinner, where kind of trying to get invited to a dinner party, it doesn't always work out. Ooh, I have to get back to you. Listen to Not Lost on the iHeart radio app or wherever you get your podcasts.