On Purpose with Jay Shetty - 7 Ways to Get Through Tough Days, Weeks & Months In Love & Relationships

Episode Date: August 13, 2021

We often want to be recognized for what we did well and not for our mistakes. If we keep hearing the things we did wrong over and over, we tend to see them as truth and eventually keep repeating the same mistakes. This is where most relationships struggle because people often focus on the wrong, the mistake, the unsightly character instead of appreciating the good traits, the commendable actions, and the everyday effort our partners put into the relationship. In this episode of On Purpose, Jay Shetty talks about looking past the negative aspects of your relationship and learning to pick out what can make it work. Like this show? Please leave us a review here - even one sentence helps! Post a screenshot of you listening on Instagram & tag us so we can thank you personally! Key Takeaways: 00:00 Intro 02:19 Getting through the tough days, weeks, and months in a relationship 04:39 Principle #1: Think of the person as a dear friend 08:32 Principle #2: Relationships should have non-negotiables and things you can be persuaded on 13:25 Principle #3: Don’t respond out of your own insecurity and ego 16:56 Principle #4: Don’t expect your partner to be like you in situations 18:47 Principle #5: Don’t try to change them to be you 20:46 Principle #6: Amplify who they are in bad times 22:10 Principle #7: Do an intervention on yourself Achieve success in every area of your life with Jay Shetty’s Genius Community. Join over 10,000 members taking their holistic well-being to the next level today, at https://shetty.cc/OnPurposeGeniusSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

I'm Jay Shetty and on my podcast on purpose, I've had the honor to sit down with some of the most incredible hearts and minds on the planet. Oprah, Kobe Bryant, Kevin Hart, Louis Hamilton, and many, many more. On this podcast, you get to hear the raw real-life stories behind their journeys and the tools they used, the books they read, and the people that made a difference in their lives so that they can make a difference in hours. Listen to on purpose with Jay Shetty on the I Heart Radio app, Apple podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Join the journey soon. What if you could tell the whole truth about your life, including all those tender and visible things we don't usually talk about?

I'm Megan Devine. Host of the podcast, it's okay that you're not okay. Look everyone's at least a little bit not okay these days, and all those things we don't usually talk about, maybe we should. This season I'm joined by stellar guests like Abbermote, Rachel Cargol, and so many more. It's okay that you're not okay. New episodes each and every Monday, available on the iHeartRadio app or wherever you listen to podcasts. I'm Danny Shapiro, host of Family Secrets. It's hard to believe we're entering our eighth season,

and yet we're constantly discovering new secrets. The variety of them continues to be astonishing. I can't wait to share ten incredible stories with you, stories of tenacity, resilience, and the profoundly necessary excavation of long-held family secrets. Listen to season eight of Family Secrets on the I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts,

or wherever you get your podcasts. You actually make someone less of what you love about them by trying to make them like you. Think about that, that is huge. You make someone less of them by trying to make them more like you. And that destroys relationships. It's painful to watch their own relationships. Hey everyone, welcome back to On

thanks to each and every single one of you that come back every week to listen, learn, and grow. Now, I'm really, really, really, really, really excited about the amazing engagement that we've had recently. I've been seeing all your comments and all your reviews and each and every one of them means so much to me because I can see that you're benefiting from the conversations, the solos, everything that's happening on the podcast. And I wanted to read out a few of these. This one's from Alison Getson. She says, I just literally want to soak up anything that Jay Shelley says. He's so inspiring. He said such a wonderful example for the mindset we

should strive for. This is me adding this now. I'm still working on everything I'm sharing. I'm trying my best to learn, but I appreciate the love. Thank you so much, Alison, for sharing that with me. This one is from Pippa. This podcast has been life-changing. Every episode I learned something new about myself after listening, whether it's something I need to fix or something I'm greater, this podcast has helped me on many different levels. Jay, thank you for helping me get on the right path. I love that one. I'm going to find one more today.

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So today I want to talk about something really important and I've been trying to pick things that I'm speaking to about with my friends or challenges that I know people in my life are having, even things that I'm speaking to about with my friends or challenges that I know people in my life are having, even things that I'm going through as well. And today I wanted to talk about the seven ways to get through tough days, weeks, or months in a relationship. And I want to start off by saying this, that people think successful relationships don't

have bad days. That's not true. don't have bad days. That's not true. They can have bad weeks. People think successful relationships don't have bad weeks. That's not true. They can have bad months. Successful relationships take time to build. And if you think about this from a very practical point of view, if you're with someone for a considerable amount of time, whether that considerable amount is 12 months, or whether

it's 12 years, or whether it's your lifetime, can you imagine always getting along with someone? And always agreeing with someone, and always being aligned with someone every step of the way. I mean, the question is, is there anyone in your life that you would say you feel that way about? Is there anyone in your life that you feel you're always agreeing with, always aligned with, you always get along, you're always having the best energy for each other. It's simply not possible. So from the beginning, I just want to share that successful relationships can have tough days, tough weeks, tough months.

Successful relationships are work. They are reflecting introspective, transforming, changing, working harder on each other and themselves. And successful relationships don't avoid dips or failures or mistakes. They know how to navigate those. And that's the difference. We think that relationships are successful because of how many good memories you make or how many good times you have, but actually successful relationships are about how you deal with the bad times, how you respond to the bad times,

how you respond to the difficult times. So today is all about how you can respond in difficult times and how to change your mindset around relationships. So the first principle I want to share with you is thinking of the person as a friend. When you think of someone as a dear friend, and imagine your friend was in a relationship where they were going through a struggle. How would you help them think about it? If you know they cared about this person, if you know that they were committed and invested,

how would you encourage them to think about it? How would you talk to your friend? Chances are you wouldn't just say, oh well, who cares about them breakup? Or chances are you wouldn't say something like, oh, they don't matter, they're useless. More likely, you're going to help your friend understand their responsibility. And now I'm talking about real friendship, right? I'm not just talking about friends that just make you feel good and say yes to everything. I'm talking about, how do you really do this for a real friend. For a real friend, I would sit them down and say, let's talk about

where your responsibility lies in this situation. Where do you feel like you have some duty, some accountability to recognize your hand, your role in what's going on right now. And when you start thinking of your situation as you would think about it of a friend, all of a sudden your wiser, you're an observer, and that's really the key technique that mindfulness talks about, which is how can you look at your life as if you're observing your own life? How can you perceive your life as if you're looking from the outside in? You're now no longer subjectively intertwined into the mess.

You're not entangled in the mess. You have some separation, some distance so that you can actually recognize what are the right steps to take. The other way you have to think about it as a friend, is you have to think about your partner as a friend. When we get so familiar with someone, we start to lose that understanding of who they are, why they're important to us. We now judge them more, we criticize them more because we've seen all of them. But when we think of them as a friend and we go, you know, I've been through some tough times with some of my friends.

I've been through arguments with some of my friends, but we've mended that. We've figured that out. So if I really care, if we really care, then there's a way to figure this out. There's a method to figure this out and I'm open to this. And when you allow yourself to have that space and distance as well, you almost come back to reality. It's almost like you need to zoom out

to be able to truly zoom into the situation, right? You need to be able to take a few steps back to move forward. For me, these tips really, really help because I think, yeah, familiarity, I'm trying to think of another word for it, but just the idea of closeness and intimacy can lead to a lot of pain and resentment when you haven't been having it in a positive sense anymore. Right, then I've found it that when we have spent time apart, we are just so excited to see each other again,

so excited to build again, so excited to start a fresh again. And if we get into a period where we are both being snappy or being agitated or not really connecting effectively with each other, sometimes giving each other space is really healthy. And then I get to allow myself to employ this method of seeing myself as my own friend and then seeing her as a friend that I care about and realizing how important she is to me. So that's principle number one that I wanted to share with you.

And step number two is a really, really important thing. Now, this doesn't apply in abusive relationships, manipulative or controlling relationships. Of course, this applies to a relationship where you know you love the person, you like them a lot, you see a future with them, but you have a bad day. And I want to take a moment to describe the difference between that. Everyone in their relationship has to have non-negotiables and then things you can be persuaded

on. So I'll give you an example of what I mean by that. One of the boundaries that I've always set in my relationships is that if my partner was to cheat on me, that would be something that would be a non-negotiable for me. I would leave the relationship, I would have to take some major action because that's against my values, that's against my principles and my desire. And I would expect that if I did that to someone, then they would leave me too. Now, I'm not saying that has to be your non-negotiable. I'm just saying that we all need to know our non-negotiables from our insignificant things. So, if we're arguing about who's taking who's phone

charger, who's doing less work around the house, those kind of things are not non-negotiables. Those things can be navigated and figured out. So, you need to make a list of what do you think you can navigate? And what do you think is a non-negotiable? Because what happens is when things get tough, everything seems like a non-negotiable. And nothing seems like you can navigate it. So, to me, if we're arguing about moving,

if we're arguing about being in a different country, if we're having discussions around What our likes and dislikes are or what we need from the relationship to me those are all navigable, right? You can navigate those But non-negotiables are like if someone cheats on me if someone There's something behind my back, right? If someone outright lies to me about something really important But if you don't know this before a Relationship what ends up happening is everything feels high stakes and everything feels painful

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and not lost as my new travel podcast, where a friend and I go places, see the sights, and try to finagle our way into a dinner party. We're kind of trying to get invited to a dinner party. It doesn't always work out. I would love that, but I have like a Cholala who is aggressive towards strangers. I love you, dogs. We learn about the places we're visiting, yes,

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You're so white, I love it. Listen to not lost on the iHeart radio app or wherever you get your podcasts. The therapy for Black Girls podcast is the destination for all things mental health, personal development, and all of the small decisions we can make to become the best possible versions of ourselves. Here, we have the conversations that help black women

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So this is an activity that I want you to do, whether you're in a relationship or not in a relationship, I want you to sit down and go, what do I think I can have the skills and intellect to navigate in a relationship? And what are the things that I just can't negotiate with? Like that would push me away and it truly is over and is the end and is not going anywhere anymore. The reason why it's important to have this is just so that you avoid the mind's tendency

to magnify and amplify daily and weekly issues to becoming annual decisions, to becoming life decisions. Often we take how we feel in a day and we make someone pay the price for a month. Or sometimes you know you feel this way for like a month and now you amplify it to feel like a year and often we take how we feel in one year and make that one lifetime. It's almost like someone making you pay

for a full month's Netflix subscription because you lost one day. Oh wait, I mean, some of us do that, right? But the idea being that you don't want to make a lifelong decision based on how you feel today, and you don't want to make the situation any bigger than it is. And the way we amplify stuff is really interesting. It's almost like when you know someone's in your life,

you take the risk of amplifying it, but when you think about losing them, all of a sudden you're like, oh, I'm going to backtrack. I don't want to behave that way. And that's a really interesting distinction that I see happening where so many of us will take more risks with our partners when they're still in our life. But if there was even a real chance that they were to leave or we weren't meant to be together, we'd backtrack. You never want to get lost in that territory. You don't want to take a risk of losing someone in order to try to get them to love you more.

It's a really weird technique. It's a really weird psychological human behavior. What we do is it's almost like a psychological fail that we have, like a glitch, is that we often try and make people feel worse or push them away because we're hoping they're going to prove to us how much they love us and we hope that they're going to get closer because of that. Now think about that, how many times have you done that? How many times have you seen that in action where someone says something they don't mean to amplify a situation?

They make it much more important than it truly is, only to hope that the person also responds with the scale of affection and love that we hope to experience. If you want something, say it. If you're having a tough time talk about it, don't amplify it to mean something else and take the risk that you don't need to take. The third principle is, when you're having a tough time, and this is hard to do, so you have to practice it, is don't respond out of your own insecurity or ego. Listen to their issue and what they're trying to say. I'll give you a really good example of this.

Rade will often tell me that she's had a tough day, and my ego or insecure responses, I have a tough day every day. That's what happens when you're frustrated, you're agitated when you're not feeling connected in a relationship that when someone opens up vulnerability, when someone shares how they feel, you're now giving an ego an insecure response.

If Rade goes, oh, that meeting was really tough, I'm like, yeah, that's literally my life, that's all I do is tough meetings. Or I'm really struggling with this. And you're like, well, imagine how much I'm struggling. Right, you make everything about you, but actually it's an insecure and ego response. I'll explain what I mean.

It's insecure because your feeling, like your partner, doesn't understand how hard you work. But you're saying that at a time when they are expressing how hard they've been working, so you're confusing a situation so deeply because that person's trying to express to you that they've been working so hard and they need you to be there for them.

So you're confusing a situation so deeply because that person is trying to express to you that they've been working so hard and they need you to be there for them. You're now trying to use their moment where they need you for a moment. So not only are they needing you and don't have you right now,

they're now being asked to deliver to you. Do you know how difficult that is? Do you know how crazy that is? But we all do that because we are insecure to thinking, well, you know, maybe my partner doesn't understand how much I need love as well because we don't tell them. So don't respond out of insecurity or don't respond out of ego because what ends up happening is they then go, well, you're not listening to me like I need you right now and you may work hard

but I'm not you and why are we talking about this anyway? And so when your partner is telling you about a bad time or a bad day or a bad conversation they've had with you, don't make it about you. So if they're saying, well, I don't, you know, I've just been feeling disconnected from you lately because you haven't been helping out around the house. You don't respond back, but going, well, you don't help out on the house either. That doesn't solve anything as opposed to you saying, well, okay, tell me how that makes you feel.

Tell me where and what I can do differently. When you turn into a researcher, you know exactly how to respond and reciprocate. If you don't know how to do that, it won't happen. So let me say that again, when you become a researcher over your partner, you know how to respond more effectively. Whereas when you retaliate or you react, you're actually creating more of an issue. So you think, your ego makes you think, you're demanding your right, you're getting what you

deserve, you're making sure your partner understands you, but no, you just used an opportunity You're making sure your partner understands you, but no, you just used an opportunity when they wanted love and they wanted excitement or they wanted understanding or they wanted compassion or empathy to try and get something for yourself. Think about when you do that and start realizing that you don't need to respond out of your own insecurity, understand their insecurity, understand where they need you, and then respond from a place of research about them. I promise you you'll learn something new. Now principle number four is don't expect your partner

to be like you in situations. We always think people are like us. So we think, oh, well, I would have handled it like this. Why didn't they handle it like this? If my friends spoke to me like that, I would have retaliated like this. So they should have retaliated like that. And we're constantly trying to expect our partner to respond like us. And the truth is, we're not always right. The way we deal with things is not always right. Start to understand how your partner deals with challenging situations. Start to

reflect on how they process stuff and why they process it that way. And notice how you're different and notice what you need is different. It's almost like the temperature in a room. There is no right temperature in a room for something because everyone requires a different temperature. Right? Everyone requires a different temperature. Everyone finds different things hot and cold. I'll give you an example. Everyone, like a cold plunge. I've been doing a lot of cold plunges with Rade recently and Rade deals with the cold better than I do, but I deal with the heat better than she does.

And so everyone's temperature scales are different and that's the same when it comes to how they deal with challenging situations. So don't expect your partner. So you may be someone who's like, I wanna talk it out. We need to talk about it right may be someone who's like, I wanna talk it out. We need to talk about it right now. And your partner's like, I need to think about it.

But you're expecting them to do it like you and they're expecting you to do it like them. And the truth is, neither is right. Learning to be patient, learning to understand. And yes, you may feel you're the one doing all the learning and the understanding, but I promise you, you have this strength to uplift this relationship.

You have this strength to transform this relationship. You have this strength to transform this relationship. If you're willing to be patient, if you're willing to be focused, if you're willing to take responsibility for how you feel and help guide them, even if they don't feel like they want to be guided, but don't expect your partner to be like you in every situation. Now point number five is, don't just expect your partner to react like you and respond like you, but also don't try to change them to be you because I promise you you don't want to date yourself, right? I promise you you don't want to date yourself. So I'll give an example with me and Radhi,

I'm very organized and disciplined. Radhi is very spontaneous and fun. I love Radhi for being spontaneous and fun. Radhi loves me for being organized, driven and focused. It's something we feel compliments each other. But there have been many times where I've tried to make Radade organized and disciplined and she's wanted me to be more spontaneous. And when I say spontaneous for her, it's spontaneous in the sense of like, hey, in the middle of the day, should we even do this workout or should we try this out? And I'm like busy recording podcasts and creating work and doing all these other things. And in the same way, I'll be like to her, like we're just going out for a social with friends,

but I'll be like, we have to be there early, we have to be there on time, because that's how I'm programmed in my professional life. And so I expect her to be professional in her personal life, and she expects me to be personal in my professional life. And those two things don't work together, because she drives when she's spontaneous and fun. And I drive when I'm organized.

So I have to realize that the more I try and make her organize like me, she's going to stop being spontaneous like her. And the more she tries to do to me, the same thing happens. So you actually make someone less of what you love about them by trying to make them like you. Think about that. That is huge. You make someone less of them by trying to make them more like you. And that destroys relationships. It's painful to watch their own relationships. Now, principle number six, amplify who they are in bad times. In a bad time in a relationship, amplify the good in them if you want to see it more. What we do when someone's

going through a bad time, what do we do? We tell them how bad they are. We tell them what we don't like it about them. We tell them about all their mistakes. We lay into them. Whereas imagine if you pointed out their good qualities, their good characteristics, if you pointed out their good qualities, their good characteristics, if you pointed out their strengths, if you said, you know, why no, we're struggling right now, but I remember when you were like, this is something that you do so well. This is something that you're so good at. And I really appreciate it. When your partner hears that from you, I promise you they're going to do it again.

It's like a chef hearing that was the best meal I've ever had. That chef's going to cook that again because they know you loved it. Your partner is going to recreate what you reward. If you don't reward something, if you don't reciprocate, if you don't recognize something, how can they repeat it? How can they do it again for you? If you keep repeating their negative patterns, they now feel negative and they keep repeating the negative patterns, they now feel negative and they keep repeating the negative patterns.

People are repeating what you're rewarding, what you're recognizing. So when you keep recognizing the negative, they repeat the negative. When you reward the positive, they repeat the positive. Make a list of your partners' strengths today, the things you love about them, the things you like about them, and tell them genuinely specifically and make them aware that you don't miss those. And number seven is do an intervention on yourselves. You don't need to wait for family, friends, anyone. Do it to yourselves. Do a check-in.

Have a check-in on each other just as you would have a check-in at work. Have a check-in. See how things are going with both of you. Have that conversation, even if it's full of conflict and awkwardness. I promise you will pay off. Thank you so much for listening to On Purpose today. I am so grateful that you joined me for another episode. I hope you're going to join me again next week.

I can't wait to see your feedback, tag me on Instagram as well, and I'll see you soon. What if you could tell the whole truth about your life, including all those tender and visible things we don't usually talk about? I'm Megan Devine, host of the podcast It's OK that you're not OK. Look, everyone's at least a little bit not okay these days, and all those things we don't usually talk about, maybe we should. This season, I'm joined by Stellar, Gas like Abbermote, Rachel Cargol, and so many more. It's okay that you're not okay. New episodes each and every Monday, available on the iHeart Radio app or wherever you listen to podcasts. I am Jan LeVan Zant, and I'll be your host for The R Spot. Each week listeners will or wherever you listen to podcasts. around like fish out of water. Mommy, daddy, your ex, I'll be talking about those things

and so much more. Check out the R-Spot on the iHeart video app Apple Podcasts or wherever you listen to podcasts. What do a flirtatious gambling double agent in World War 2? An opera singer who burned down an honorary to kidnap her lover, and a pirate queen who walked free with all of her spoils, haven't comment. They're all real women who were left out of your history books. You can hear these stories and more on the Womanica podcast. Check it out on the I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen. out on the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcasts, or wherever you listen.