On Purpose with Jay Shetty - 8 Mistakes We Make in Dating and 8 Steps to Make Them Right

Episode Date: October 8, 2021

More people are now open to online dating where many have found a good partner and a lasting relationship. It seems that with the presence of these dating platforms, it’s easier to date people now.Probably not. Dating remains a challenge not just for people in search of a partner but also for those who are already in a relationship. We often make a lot of mistakes, unconsciously and unintentionally, while we date which often lead to miscommunication and misunderstandings, or even breakups. In this episode of On Purpose, Jay Shetty tells us about the common mistakes we make when dating and what we can do to avoid and rectify them so we can save our existing relationships.Sama Tea is now available! Go to http://samatea.com/onpurpose to order a box of Sama now and get access to our free live monthly tea parties, be the first to try out new tea flavors and receive a free exclusive download that shows my personal routine and rituals.Key Takeaways:00:00 Intro03:34 We all make mistakes while dating05:41 Mistake #1: We talk for too long and we meet too late 08:17 Mistake #2: We keep checking that one person who doesn’t message us back11:15 Mistake #3: We give up too soon15:01 Mistake #4: Being limited by our time18:23 Mistake #5: We’re not present when we’re on a date with someone20:49 Mistake #6: We let the negativity of online dating precipitate into all of our communication with others22:43 Mistake #7: Not sharing your pain and priorities24:06 Mistake #8: We try to use too many apps all at the same timeLike this show? Please leave us a review here - even one sentence helps! Post a screenshot of you listening on Instagram & tag us so we can thank you personally!See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

I'm Jay Shetty and on my podcast on purpose, I've had the honor to sit down with some of the most incredible hearts and minds on the planet. Oprah, Kobe Bryant, Kevin Hart, Louis Hamilton, and many, many more. On this podcast, you get to hear the raw real-life stories behind their journeys and the tools they used, the books they read, and the people that made a difference in their lives so that they can make a difference in hours. Listen to on purpose with Jay Shetty on the I Heart Radio app, Apple podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Join the journey soon. What if you could tell the whole truth about your life, including all those tender and visible things we don't usually talk about?

I'm Megan Devine. Host of the podcast, it's okay that you're not okay. Look everyone's at least a little bit not okay these days, and all those things we don't usually talk about, maybe we should. This season I'm joined by stellar guests like Abbermote, Rachel Cargol and so many more. It's okay that you're not okay. New episodes each and every Monday available on the iHeartRadio app or wherever you listen to podcasts. When my daughter ran off to hop trains, I was terrified I'd never see her again, so I followed her into the train yard.

This is what it sounds like inside the box-top. And into the city of the rails, there I found a surprising world, so brutal and beautiful that it changed me. But the rails do that to everyone. There is another world out there, and if you want to play with the devil, you're going to find them down in the rail yard. Undenail Morton, come with me to find out what waits for us and the city of the rails. Listen to the city of the rails, on the iHeart radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Or, cityoftherails.com. Now, if you compare the person in front of you to an imagination of the possibilities of how many people you're missing out on, what's going to win? The possibility wins because one person can't compete with unlimited possibility. No one could. Even if you were sitting in front of your dream person, you could potentially believe that the possibility is greater than that person. What's your dream? What's your dream?

What's your dream? What's your dream? What's your dream? Hey everyone, welcome back to On Purpose, the number one health podcast in the world. Thanks to each and every one of you that come back every week to listen, learn and grow. I love this time we get to spend together.

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because Jay knocked them off while listening to this. While listening to this episode, it was so enlightening. The first time I listened to it, it was for absorption. The second time was to share with my family and partner. The third time was to create a game plan going forward. It's hard to understand the supportive versus the fixer when everyone's used your gifts for support in the past. So by being a fixer, I learned that was support. It goes on, but that is such a deeply meaningful review. Thank you so much. This one was from Amy. My husband and I are always trying to find ways to grow this episode. Hit the mark for us while we're currently working through individual growth. Thank you for always providing just the right

therapy and perfect timing. Busy mother of five Amy Amy. Thank you so much for listening. This one was from Susie. The first time listening she says, I chose the episode about making your relationship better because I'm newly wed and want to build a strong marriage. I was amazed at how much specific and useful information was packed into just 30 minutes. I'm going to listen to this episode again and take notes the next time though. And this is the last one I wanted to read today from Morgan Alder. There are so many more I could read.

Jay and on purpose crew, this podcast has truly been a light to my life since the very first one I listened to. I try every day to apply what I've learned here to my everyday living. It always brings me joy and good vibes. Well, forever be a listener of on purpose. Jay, I just want you to know that I see you, I hear you, and I appreciate you.

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And I cannot wait for you to listen to this episode Which is all about the eight mistakes we make in dating and the eight things to get them right Right we all make mistakes. Raise your hand right now if you've made a mistake in dating and you're sure of it. It's true, right? We've all made mistakes in dating. Maybe you said something too soon. Maybe you said something too late. Maybe you weren't honest. Maybe you struggled with sharing vulnerable. Maybe you wish you were more vulnerable and asked more deeper questions. There are so many ways of going about it. Today, I want to share with you some of those mistakes and what you can do about them. Now, I was reading some

research, which I always love starting with science and evolving into strategy and spirituality. So when you listen to on purpose, you get strategy, you get science on purpose you get strategy, you get science and you get spirituality which is really how my mind works. And this study by the Pew Research Center inquired into modern dating attitudes in the US and found that it was pretty mixed. Almost half of the survey data's agreed that it's harder to date now than it was 10 years ago. And 67% of data's in the survey said their dating

life wasn't going well. Now, whether this is you or this is the life of a friend, you know you can relate to this. Now, what's fascinating to me, though, also is that couples who meet online are less likely to divorce. In 2005, the University of Chicago funded a seven-year study on married couples who met online and offline. Marriage breakups were reported among 6% of couples who met online and 7.6% of couples who met offline. So slightly less. And online dating is now responsible for 22% of weddings. So it's becoming an increasingly popular way to meet people. Now this is

the first of the eight that I want to speak to you about. And I know what you're going to say. You're going to say, Jay, it's hard. It doesn't work like that. I'm nervous. I'm scared. But I'm going to push you in this direction. The first mistake we make is we talk for too long and we meet too late. My advice is meet as soon as possible. When you meet someone, you are going to figure out far quicker if you have chemistry, compatibility, understanding, connection, attraction, care, kindness, support. If you don't spend time with someone physically, it is very difficult to know what triggers them and what doesn't, what affects them and what doesn't.

And a few years ago, when I was guiding a lot of young men back in London, I realized one of my techniques that really helped was there this something called the three date rule. The idea that even if you don't like someone after a first date, you still see them three times because it helps you understand and learn about them and helps them understand and learn about you and it helps you learn about yourself. This was the biggest thing. When you're dating, you're not just learning about other people, you're learning about yourself, you're learning about your likes and dislikes, you're also learning how to unlearn. How many times have you realized that you actually like someone that you didn't think you'd be attracted to?

How many times do you realize that there's someone in your life that you would not normally say is your type, but unexpectedly, they're really becoming the person in your life that you're most interested in. And this happens to all of us when we don't just quit. When you meet someone for an hour and hour and a half, I mean, what are you truly going to know or learn about them perfectly? And we see this time and time again, where it changes. Our

taste changes, our desires change, our possibilities change. And that's why it's so important to meet as soon as possible. Often if you saw someone online, you wouldn't be attracted to them, you wouldn't think they were the right person for you. But it's so important to get that face to face. Now, this study from the pure research center says that about 57% of single men said they do not receive enough messages on the typical dating site or app, and only 6% of men said they received too many messages. So again, it seems like men are already dealing with the fact that they're not getting enough messages, they're not getting enough communication.

And often that's because sometimes a lot of people are waiting for men to make a move or to share their interest or to connect or are waiting to see if they truly care. So if you're listening to this and you're someone waiting, don't wait for someone else to make a move. Now, the second mistake that we make is that you keep checking that one person who doesn't message you back. The second mistake we make is that we keep checking, refreshing, browsing, checking again. If that one person messes us back. They probably weren't even the one we really wanted to be with.

They might not even have been the one that we be with. They might not even have been the one that we really wanted. They might not even have been the person we're most attracted to, but they didn't reply. They didn't reply. So they go to the top of our priority list. How many of you know you've been in this situation? How many of you know a friend who's been in this situation? We are attracted to those that reject us. We are attracted to those that feel unreachable.

We are attracted to those that feel beyond us. The lesson is don't obsess if they don't text. Now, the same research study says that one third of women say they get too many messages. So a lot of us are getting so many messages, but we're looking at the one person who's not messaging us. 30% of single women said they get too many messages, while 45% said they get the right number of messages. But what are we doing? We're obsessing over that one person who doesn't respond, because it feels like we're missing out on something. It feels like there must be something special there. It feels like that could have been the one. It's like what we do with negative comments on social media. We amplify the negative. We downplay the positive. If nine people today told you you looked incredible,

and one person didn't look at you in the right way, you go home thinking, oh no, what did I wear? What did I say? What did I do? It's incredible, isn't it? How we do that? Please, when someone gives you a compliment, say thank you. I appreciate you noticing that. That means a lot to me. Don't say, oh no, it's nothing. Say thank you. I appreciate you noticing that. That means a lot to me. Don't say, oh no, it's nothing, it's okay.

When you're reading your comments today, don't just scroll past the positive ones full of love and joy. Stop, read them slowly. Take them in. Appreciate them. Then move on. And when it comes to your birthday or a special celebration

this year, don't just shrug it off. Allow yourself to take an opportunity to celebrate your life, to celebrate your wins. It's so, so important. If someone doesn't text back, it's normal. We have to be ready to know that there are plenty more opportunities, there are plenty more people that will respond and are responding. Now, the third mistake we made is that we give up too soon. I hear people say all the time, I messaged five people and none of them reach back, it's over. It's never going to work. No one cares about me. No one likes me. I'm not attractive enough. This isn't going to work. I'm just not made for online dating. How many times have you said that? How many times have you heard that? How many times have you felt that? Right? It's so common.

It's so common for all of us to beat ourselves up. How many of us criticize ourselves, how many of us judge ourselves, how many of us just make ourselves feel like we have nothing to offer because someone in message back, someone in respond, or we message five people and because we didn't get the response we wanted,

we just said, oh, it's all over, this isn't gonna work out. We give up way, way too easily. We give up way, way too easily. And it's just one of those things that doesn't work in any area of life, right? Imagine you're trying to start a business, you give up too easily, it doesn't work.

Imagine you're trying to start a business. You give up too easily, it doesn't work. Imagine you're chasing your dreams. You give up too easily, it doesn't work. Imagine you try to start a new diet or a new workout. You give up too easily, it doesn't work. Nothing in life works when you give up too easily, especially relationships. The lesson here is be prepared to not hear back a lot. Hey, it's Debbie Brown. And my podcast, Deeply Well, is a soft place to land on your wellness journey. I hold conscious conversations with leaders and radical healers and wellness and mental health

around topics that are meant to expand and support you on your journey. From guided meditations to deep conversations with some of the world's most gifted experts in self-care, trauma, psychology, spirituality, astrology, and even intimacy. Here is where you'll pick up the tools to live as your highest self. Make better choices, heal, and have more joy. My work is rooted in advanced meditation, metaphysics, spiritual psychology, energy healing, and trauma-informed practices. I believe that the more we heal and grow within

ourselves, the more we are able to bring our creativity to life and live our purpose, which leads to community impact and higher consciousness for all beings. Deeply well with Debbie Brown is your soft place to land, to work on yourself without judgment, to heal, to learn, to grow, to become who you deserve to be. Deeply well is available now on the I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Big love, namaste.

Not too long ago, in the heart of the Amazon rainforest, this explorer stumbled upon something that would change his life. I saw it and I saw, oh wow, this is a very unusual situation. It was cacao, the tree that gives us chocolate. But this cacao was unlike anything experts had seen, or tasted. I've never wanted us to have a gun bite. I mean, you saw this tax of cash in our office. Chocolate sort of forms this vortex. It sucks you in.

It's like I can be the queen of wild chocolate. We're all lost. It was madness. It was a game changer. People quit their jobs. They left their lives behind, so they could search for more of this stuff. I wanted to tell their stories, so I followed them

deep into the jungle, and it wasn't always pretty. Basically, this like disgruntled guy and his family surrounded the building arm with machetes. And we've heard all sorts of things that you know somebody got shot over this. Sometimes I think, oh, all these for a damn bar of chocolate. Listen to obsessions while chocolate

on the I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcast. I'm Eva Longoria. I'm Maite Gomez-Rajón. We're so excited to introduce you to our new podcast, Hungry for History! On every episode, we're exploring some of our favorite dishes, ingredients, beverages from our Mexican culture. We'll share personal memories and family stories,

decode culinary customs, and even provide a recipe or two for you to try at home. Corner flower. Both. Oh, you can't decide. I can't decide. I love both. You know, I'm a flower tortilla flower. Your team flower. I'm team flower. I need a shirt. Team flower, team core. Join us as we explore surprising and lesser known corners of Latinx culinary history and traditions. I mean, these are these legends, right? Apparently, this guy Juan Mendes, he was making these tacos wrapped in these huge tortillas to keep it warm, and he was transporting them in a burro, hence the name, the burritos. Listen to Hungary for history with Ivalangoria and Maite Gomez Rejón as part of the Micoltura

Podcast Network, available on the I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. So the last message was don't obsess over that one person who doesn't text, this is get used to it. And don't see it as a failure. We just talked about how many women think they get too many messages. It's not a failure. It's not a failure.

If someone does a message back, the amount of volume of messages we're receiving, even when we feel we don't receive enough messages, imagine you've received 50 messages a week. That's a lot for anyone to keep up with. And you have to get used to the fact that you're not going to hear back. Just as think about this for a moment, if you're in a bar or a club, let's say you found 25% of the people in the club attractive or there are a moment. If you're in a bar or a club, let's say you found 25% of the people in the club attractive, or there are a few people that you liked, you would never

go up to all of them, right? You would just never do that. You may just about go up to one of them or hope one comes up to you. So the odds are a bit higher because you're approaching less people and less people are approaching you. Whereas online dating, you are going to approach more people and that's healthy. So don't see a lack of response as rejection. It's a really, really important lesson because it's going to completely limit you from recognizing that all you need is one person to respond.

And unfortunately, we're living in a world where you are going to have to go through the majority of people. Now, one way of limiting this is paying to be on the side or at and being linked with other people that are paying to be on the side or at because of course, this makes it more serious. And the pure research study I was mentioning says that singles spend $146 per month on dating expenses. Now that includes more than just the app of course, that includes going out on dates, et cetera. But it's so important to make sure that you're investing to attract people who also want to invest.

If people pay to play in any area, they're going to turn up. This was something that I realized in so many ways around so much of the work, I've seen that when I'm doing courses and programs, when people pay, they turn up and they're more present, then when it's free, when it's free, people miss sessions, they don't turn up, they don't think about it. It's incredible what happens when we pay to play even in the dating area of our life. Now, the fourth mistake we make is being limited by our type. We're limited by our type. We already have a preconceived notion of the Hollywood actor replica that we want in our lives of the musician or the music star we grew up listening to. We're

looking for their hair type, we're looking their face type, we're looking for their eye color, we're looking for all these things, we're looking their face type, we're looking for their eye color, we're looking for all these things. And it's incredible because all the studies and even individual stories go back to show, that's rarely the case. I was reading this really cool article on Pure Wild and it was talking about stories of what people met. Now there was a story that they had on the site

from someone called Megan Kay in Kentucky. And she was saying that you might think you're only attracted to blonde guys with hair like Thor or that anyone shorter than five foot six is out of the question. But my husband's smile in his profile pictures seemed so genuine and kind. It totally drew me in. I gave him a chance and I'm so glad I did. We just got married in November. When I hear stories like that,

they're actually not the exception. It's more normal for people to meet someone when they broaden their type, right? And it's so interesting what happens when you don't go for the person you thought you'd always go for. And I think a lot of people keep thinking that, okay, I only date guys who look like this, only date guys with this tall. I don't only date women who post pictures like this, whatever it means. We have our preconceived notions, but to really make it work, we have to allow

something more interesting to happen to be more curious, to be more of an experimenter, to be open to possibilities. And so often we just don't let this happen. You know, someone has a picture of their dog, we're like, no, I'm a cat person. They have a picture of the cat, we say, no, no, I'm a dog person. Sometimes we say it about the silliest things, right? We turn people down based on the tiniest things. Oh, I only date people at five for 10. Oh, they're five for nine. Right?

I mean, that's not even the issue. And so it's such a need. One of the most amazing stats that I saw on the pure research center was that online dating usage tripled among young adults, and that there's a link between online dating and interracial marriage. That both have been on the rise. And it talks about how we used to marry people whom we were somehow connected to. But now, because we're connected to so many more people from different backgrounds and different walks of life, there's more

online dating leads to more interracial marriages and relationships, which is a beautiful thing, something that we didn't see before. So one of the things I want us to really think about is that it may not be someone from the same culture, it may not be someone from the same background, it may not be someone from the same places that've been used to finding people. Right, most of us have been living in these echo chambers

where we meet the same people, who know the same people, who know all the the same people and we find some comfort in that But comfort doesn't equate to compatibility Comfort doesn't equate to chemistry Right, it's not about being comfortable. Of course you want your relation to be simple But comfort isn't necessarily What you're looking for. So that's something I really want you to think about Now the fifth mistake we make is that we're not present when we're on a date with someone. We're still using

the app when they go to the restroom. We're using the app when maybe they're running a couple of minutes late for the day. We're still on the app talking to other people while we're going on a date with someone. And that can be overwhelming because as we all know, there's something called the paradox of choice, right? The paradox of choice. We always believed, or we were made to believe that the more choice you have, the more freedom you have, the luckier you are. But the paradox of choice stipulates that when we think we have more options, it becomes easier actually because it requires more effort to make a decision, it can lead us to feeling a sense of anxiety,

it can lead us to feeling a sense of stress and pressure. So you think that having more choices means you're gonna find the right person, but sometimes the idea that there are unlimited choices is actually what limits you, because now you're scared, because now you're thinking, because now you're thinking, well, this person's kind of like an eight out of ten.

What if I could find it 8.3? Right? Think about a menu. Think about going to a restaurant, and there's too many things on the menu. How many of you are like, oh yeah, I'll just let my friends decide. Well, you can't outsource that with your life partner.

You can't say I just let my friends decide, right? You have to decide. But when you have too much choice, so what happens is we expose ourselves to too many people all at the same time. And so when we're on a date with someone, we're still thinking about the other person. We're still thinking about the possibilities

of what we're missing out on. Now, if you compare the person in front of you to an imagination of the possibilities of how many people you're missing out on, what's gonna win? The possibility wins. Because one person can't compete with unlimited possibility. No one could. Even if you were sitting in front of your dream person, you could potentially believe that the possibility is greater than that person. And we do that all the time. We do this on Netflix and Amazon. You try not to watch a show,

but then you look, what if I'm missing out on another better show? Oh, what if I watch that show? All right, let me, and then you spend the whole night searching through wasting hours and hours and hours. If you're talking to someone, talk to them. If you're trying to date someone, date them.

Don't keep trying to keep your options open and getting confused and overwhelming yourself with the paradox of choice. Now, number six is we let some of the negativity that comes through online dating precipitate into all of our communication with others. So there is sexual harassment, there is toxic communication, there is casual dating if you even want to call it that. A lot of people are just there for one thing and one thing only, which we know. The point is that you can't let those people, and even though it may feel like that's all that's on there, you can't let those people stop you from something great

Right, you just can't so many of us completely Right often opportunity because we have some bad experiences and again, I'm not saying that it's good I feel bad if you've had some of those bad experiences But just know that having a bad experience is Not a reason to stop the experiment, right? Imagine something really bad happens when you're experimenting something you don't stop the experiment because where you want to reach is more important than what you've had to go through, right? When a scientist is conducting an

experiment, they're more focused on where they want to get to, rather than to the idea that the experiment's going wrong. And so I really want you to consider that when you're making this decision, because I don't want you to write something off because of those bad experiences. But if you've gone through those bad experiences, I want you to know that that's not okay. I'm sorry you've had to go through them. And you don't have to allow had to go through them and you don't have to allow yourself to go through them anymore. You don't have to stay in that place. You don't have

to continue to receive that toxic treatment. That's not something that you have to tolerate or continue to be a part of. If someone is behaving with you in that way, you can block that person and shut that down. Now, number seven, something people are always scared of. How many times have you ever had it where a family member or a parent said, or don't say too much too soon, or don't tell them about this? I really believe that it's important to share your priorities.

You may not share all of your pains immediately. I think that's not because you're scared. See, here's the thing, if you don't share your pain, because you're scared, they're gonna run away. That's not's the thing, if you don't share your pain because you're scared they're gonna run away, that's not the reason I'm saying don't share your pain. I'm saying don't share your pain because you want to be at a certain level of trust and intimacy for that.

It's not about scaring someone away. Sometimes we don't share our pain because we'll always scared them away. No, you don't share your pain because that's something you want to share with someone that you have an intimate relationship and intimate connection with. So that's something to be mindful of, but you want to share your priorities.

It's really important for you to say, this is my priority about where I want to live. This is my priority about what I really want to do on the weekends or what I'm really trying to build right now. This is my priority for the growth I want to have in my life. This is my priority. If you don't verbalize your priorities, you could end up misleading someone else and misleading yourself. Now, your priorities may change, and that's a great thing to verbalize too.

But I think a lot of people get stuck because they say one thing, but they truly want another, and it just gets more and more complicated. Share your priorities up front. And now the eighth and final mistake we make is we try to use too many apps all at the same time.

You don't get into a rhythm with one app. You have way too many apps. One app annoys you or one app you don't like and now you write off every app. Right, that's the problem with using too many apps at the same time. Our brain just makes that a blanket feeling across all apps. It doesn't make us say, okay, let's stop using this one. Use one app, invest in it, focus on it, grow it. If it doesn't work, then move on to another, right? Don't just keep moving from app to app to app. You

may even forget to message someone back. You even may miss a message from someone that you were initially interested in. It's so important. Now, single spend under two minutes looking at a dating profile. And women in the study spend an average of 84 seconds viewing each dating profile. While men in the study spend an average of 58 seconds, so imagine now you've got that across multiple apps. You're spending less and less time and actually reducing your chances. So these are the eight mistakes we make when it comes to dating and the eight methods

to improve that process. I truly believe this is going to be a game changer for everyone listening and for your friends and family and for anyone in your life. And even if you're already in a relationship so much of this applies to you, meet as soon as possible, spend time together. Don't obsess if they don't text. Create clear boundaries for communication, right? It's so important.

So thank you so much for listening. Make sure you drop us a review. They make a huge difference. I'm so grateful to have over 16,000 reviews on the on purpose podcast on the Apple app. And if you're listening to on Spotify or Stitcher, please leave a review. I deeply appreciate you.

Have an amazing week and see how your life changes when you apply this with me. Thank you. What if you could tell the whole truth about your life, including all those tender and visible things we don't usually talk about. I'm Megan Devine. Host of the podcast, it's okay that you're not okay. Look, everyone's at least a little bit not okay these days, and all those things we don't usually talk about, maybe we should.

This season, I'm joined by Stellar Gas, like Abbermote, Rachel Cargol, and so many more. It's okay that you're not okay. New episodes each and every Monday, available on the iHeartRadio app or wherever you listen to podcasts. I am Yomla Van Zant and I'll be your host for the R-Spot. Each week listeners will call me live to discuss their relationship issues. Nothing will tear a relationship down faster than two people with no vision. Does your all are just flopping around like fish out of water? Mommy, daddy, your ex, I'll be talking about those things and so much more.

Check out the R-Spot on the iHeart video app Apple Podcast or wherever you listen to podcasts. The world of chocolate has been turned upside down. A very unusual situation. You saw this tax-appcussion in office. Chocolate comes from the cacao tree, and recently, Variety's cacao, thought to have been lost centuries ago, were rediscovered in the Amazon.

There is no chocolate on earth like this. Now some chocolate makers are racing deep into the jungle to find the next game-changing chocolate. And I'm coming along. OK, that was a very large crack it up. Listen to obsessions while chocolate. On the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcast.