On Purpose with Jay Shetty - 8 Steps for Overcoming Fear of Judgment & 3 Key Questions to Level Up the Next Three Months (90 Day Check In)

Episode Date: April 5, 2024

How have your goals changed since January?  What's your next step for improvement in the coming 90 days? This episode isn't just a conversation; it's an invitation to dive deep into your thoughts, feelings, and aspirations. Jay discusses the tough questions about identity, authenticity, and personal growth, guiding you through a process of self-discovery and transformation. You'll find insights and strategies to help you understand who you truly are and how to align your life with your deepest values. Whether you're looking to break free from the fear of judgment, understand your true desires, or simply get a clearer picture of where you're headed, this is the ultimate guide to your first 90-day check in. In this episode, you'll learn: How to overcome the fear of judgment How to be your true self How to handle external pressure If you're ready to challenge the status quo and redefine your sense of self, let's uncover the power of self-reflection and the beauty of becoming who you truly are.  With Love and Gratitude, Jay Shetty What We Discuss: 00:00 Intro 01:03 Why Live Your Years in Quarters 03:11 The Hardest Challenge Today 05:12 #1: What Is the Most Difficult Judgment You’re Afraid Of? 07:00 #2: Who Would You Be If You Didn’t Worry What People Would Think About You? 07:57 #3: What Would You Do If You Didn’t Worry About What People Think Of You? 13:47 What Did You Use to Value You Don’t Value Anymore? 16:58 Attachment and Aversion Are Two Sides of the Same Coin 21:07 3 Questions You Need to Ask YourselfSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hi friends, I'm Danielle Robay. And I'm Simone Voice. And we're here to introduce you to The Bright Side, a new kind of daily podcast that's guaranteed to light up your day. Every weekday, we're bringing you conversations about culture, the latest trends, inspiration, and so much more. We'll hear from celebrities, authors, experts, and listeners like you. Whether it's relationships, friend advice, or figuring out how to navigate life's transitions,

big and small, we'll talk through it together. Listen to The Bright Side from Hello Sunshine every weekday on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. At one of the most famous restaurants in the world, there's a table in the corner where the most incredible conversations on the planet are happening every week with owner, Ruthie Rogers,

and amazing guests like Martha Stewart. But I did have an affair with one of his best friends. Jimmy Fallon. You want a zipline over your dad while he gets attacked by alligators. And Paul McCartney. John and I hitchhiked to Paris. We've saved you a seat.

Ruthie's Table Four. Listen to Ruthie's Table Four on the iHeartRadio app or wherever you get your podcasts. What if you could tell the whole truth about your life, including all those tender, invisible things we don't usually talk about? I'm Megan Devine, host of the podcast It's Okay That You're Not Okay. Look, everyone's at least a little bit not okay these days, and all those things we don't usually talk about? Maybe we should. This season I'm joined by stellar guests like Abra Mate, Rachel Cargill, and so many more. It's okay that you're not okay. New episodes each and every Monday, available on the iHeartRadio app or wherever you listen to podcasts.

Some people never become who they are. They stop trusting in themselves, they conform to the tastes of others and they end up wearing a mask that hides their true nature. And his daily lore from Robert Green says, if you allow yourself to learn who you really are by paying attention to that voice and force within you, then you can become what you were fated to become. An individual, a master. The number one health and wellness podcast. Jay Shetty. Jay Shetty. The one, the only Jay Shetty. Hey everyone, welcome back to On Purpose.

Thank you so much for tuning in right now to become happier, healthier and more healed. I feel that this episode is going to be a pivotal one for the rest of your 2024. This is going to be one of those episodes that you're going to feel the difference immediately because you checked in. We're already 90 days in, right?

We're three months in, effectively 90 days in. We're already 90 days in, right? We're three months in, effectively 90 days in. And we're a quarter of the way through the year, three months down. And it is so important that we start living our years in quarters, right? A lot of us wait for New Year's Day, New Year's resolutions to restart, to reset, to feel like we can gather momentum again, get that energy back but here's what I want to tell you. The highest performers in the world, the highest performing companies in the world, the brands and the organizations that hit their pinnacle, all of them are measuring things every week, every day and definitely every quarter.

Now I want you to have a year that you look back on and say 2024 was one of the best years of my life. How many of you want that year? Raise your hand right now, nod your head right now, right? So many of us want that year but we almost wait until the end of the year to see what did I achieve what have I done where did things go wrong where did they go right this is your quarter one check-in to help you level up to help you upgrade and to help you get to the next stage in your acceleration. So, here's how I want you to think about this. These aren't just any old questions.

These aren't just easy reflection questions for the end of the year, end of the month. These are the ones that are gonna feel a little bit uncomfortable. These reflections are going to be challenging and I want them to be because I really want to uncover what's blocking you. I really want to uncover what's getting in your way. I really want to uncover what is it that is holding you back when you know what you need to do, when you know what you need to build, when you know what you need to

build, when you know what's on the other side. Now, here's how I want to approach this. You've heard me say this quote before, but I have to share it again. Charles Horton Cooley once wrote, the challenge today is I'm not what I think I am, I'm not what you think I am, I am what I think you think I am. Let that blow your mind for a moment. Charles Horton Cooley said the challenge today is I'm not what I think I am, I'm not what you think I am, I am what I think you think I am. Which means we live in a perception of a perception of ourselves. Let me break that down further. What it means is if I think that you think I'm smart then I feel smart but if I think that you think I'm weak then I feel weak. A lot

of us base what we're chasing, what we're doing, what we're building, how we spend our time on what we think people think of us. Some of us don't try to do the thing we really want to do because we're scared of what people think of us. So many of us don't chase our dreams because we're scared of what we think people think of us. So many of us don't date the person we want to date. We don't try the thing we want to try. We don't launch the thing we want to date, we don't try the thing we want to try, we don't launch the thing we want to launch because we're so worried of what we think other people think of us and this block, this fear not of failure but of

the judgment that we'll get if we fail holds us back eternally. So here's how I want to start excavating as our quarter one check-in today. The first question is what is the most difficult judgment that you're afraid of? I told you it was gonna be a tough one, I told you it's gonna be uncomfortable, right? I told you I was going to be a tough one. I told you it's going to be uncomfortable. Right? I told you I was going to challenge you today. What is the most difficult judgment you are afraid of? Right? What's that thing that you're like,

I don't want people to think that about me. I don't want to think that about myself. But what is the thing that you think, I don't want people to think that about me. That's why I'm not doing X, Y, Z or Z. Right? What is the most difficult judgment you're afraid of facing? That's blocking you from living your best life.

That's made this quarter slower, less productive, less effective than you want it to be. Now, this is a really interesting one, because we all don't like being judged. And that totally makes sense, right? None of us want to be judged. But this is really more about the idea of we're scared of a judgment that we haven't received yet, because we're predicting that if we take a certain step or action that we might get that. We're scared that if we upload that video

our friends will think we're losers. We're scared that if we announce our new plans our friends will say they're not possible. We're scared that if we tell everyone who we're dating they may not approve. We're scared that if we really tell everyone the truth about what we want to do and what we're focused on, people will laugh at us. What is that most difficult judgment you are afraid of facing? What is it?

Second, who would you be if you didn't worry what people think about you? How many of you think or overthink how you laugh? How many of you overthink how you cry? How many of you overthink how you behave in social settings and then just limit yourself and then act even more stupid, right? How many of you feel that way? You're trying to avoid acting in a way that you judge yourself for,

but then you actually end up acting worse. Who would you be if you didn't worry what people think about you? Who would you allow yourself to be? Who would you allow yourself to express yourself as? What talent, what habit are you holding back on? Who are you scared of being? Would you be kinder? Would you be more loving? Would you be more empathetic? Would you be more bold? Would you be more courageous?

Who would you be? And then third question is what would you do if you didn't worry about what people think of you? What would you do differently? What changes would you make to the way you act and behave into your life? It's really interesting, when I studied the Vedic literatures during my time as a monk, they talked about how we develop our identity based on three key things. And they are positions, possessions and people.

Right, our identity has become about positions, possessions and people. Let me break it down and give you an example. Position. I am a CEO. I am an author. I'm a podcast. I'm an influencer. Whatever it may be. Position.

Second, possession. I'm a homeowner. Right? I'm a car owner. I'm a pet owner. A possession. And then people. I'm married.

I'm a fiance. I'm married. I'm a fiance. I'm divorced. All of our identities are based on positions, possessions and people. And that's why when we go through transitions in those areas, we're always intrigued to see what

people think of us. Right. You get promoted to another position. You wonder what everyone thinks. You get promoted to another position. You wonder what everyone thinks. You get demoted or lose a job. You wonder what everyone thinks. Possession. You get your first home.

What does everyone think? You are still paying rent and feeling judged for it. What does everyone think? People. You get married and you think, what does everyone think? You get divorced and you think, what does everyone think? People, you get married and you think what does everyone think? You get divorced and you think what does everyone think? So not only are we constantly wondering about what people think of us, our identity is also wrapped up in things that are based on what people think of us. And we rarely ever ask ourselves, what do I think of myself? Even

right now you might be thinking, oh gosh, what's everyone thinking of what I've achieved this first quarter? I came out swinging. Maybe I over announced my New Year's resolutions. Maybe I haven't hit that goal of weight gain or weight loss, or maybe I haven't hit that goal of I said I was going to post one video a day like, Oh no, now my friends are laughing at me. I told them I was going to do this and I haven't.

So many of us and our reflections are actually just overanalyzing what we think others think of us, it's not really based on how we want to focus, how we want to refocus, what we want to build. There's a great page that I love in the book The Daily Laws by Robert Greene and in that book on page 41 he writes become who you are some 2,600 years ago the ancient Greek poet Pindar wrote become who you are by learning who you are what he meant is the following you are born with a particular makeup and tendencies that mark you as a piece of

fate. It is who you are to the core. Some people never become who they are. They stop trusting in themselves. They conform to the tastes of others and they end up wearing a mask that hides their true nature. And his daily lore from Robert Green says, if you allow yourself to learn who you really are by paying attention to that voice and force within you, then you can become what you were fated to become. An individual. A master.

Wow. Right? First of all, wow. If you haven't read the book, The Daily Lords, I love it. It's a great daily book to read and Becoming who you are. I'm more interested in you becoming who you are than I am in any of the goals that you set and the reason I say that to you is because I really believe that if you're closer to becoming who you are, everything else will follow through. The problem is we're becoming who they want us to be or we're becoming who we think they think we want us to be and that

means we believe they're thinking about us in the first place. How many times a day do you sit there and think about what everyone else should do with their life? Genuinely how often do you think about that? How often do you sit there and go, I know what so-and-so should do with their life? I'm guessing never or 1% of the time. That's exactly how much they're thinking about you. How many of you, how much time do you spend every day thinking I know whether that person

should quit their career or not, or I'm not sure they should do that or not. Well, maybe there's a 10% of your conversation, but that's it. If you're only spending 10% of your time thinking about others, that's how much time people are spending thinking about you. But we think it's a lot more. We almost think that everyone's always constantly thinking about us. Every Instagram story they post, every Instagram reel they post, every quote they put up, every message on the group chat is all about us. We're constantly self-reflecting and self-projecting everything that we come across, right? All the time.

And it's so fascinating to me that this happens again and again and again, and we rarely stop to ask ourselves, what do I think about myself? Who am I? What is important to me this year? And what is blocking me this year? And that's where I want you to start. That's where I want you to focus on. When you find that bright spot to help you get through your day, it's powerful. That's where The Bright Side comes in. A new daily podcast from Hello Sunshine that's bringing you a daily dose of joy. I'm Danielle Robay.

And I'm Simone Boyce. Listen, both Danielle and I are reporters. We've covered the news and we know the world can feel heavy. But the Brightside podcast is a space to have a little fun, to learn something new and get into some friendly debates. That's right. Join us five days a week to see how life can look from the bright side. We'll hear from celebrities, authors, experts and listeners like you. Whether it's relationships, friend advice,

or figuring out how to navigate life's transitions, we'll talk through it all together. Listen to The Bright Side from Hello Sunshine every weekday on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. For all the parents out there, picture that it's bedtime. You and the kids have been busy all day. You know they're tired, but with all that anxious energy, they just won't go to sleep. This

was my kids every night. But I did find that stories calmed their mind and gave them something to focus on. So six years ago, I created the kids podcast Bedtime History to help solve that problem. Bedtime History is a series of relaxing history stories that end with an inspirational message. We have episodes about Jackie Robinson, Neil Armstrong, Maya Angelou, and Sokka Jowaya. Episodes also include topics like space exploration, engineering, the rise and fall of civilizations, and major events like the Civil Rights Movement and the Transcontinental Railroad. With over 2,000 positive parent reviews, Bedtime

History is one of the top education podcasts. This week join me and listen to Bedtime History every Monday and Thursday on iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Parents, if you've ever experienced bedtime battles with the kids, I'm gonna let you into a little secret. I'm Abbey, a mother of two, and I had these battles myself. Endless excuses, delay tactics, and many tears and tantrums. But I've created a solution. The perfect kids podcast that makes bedtime a dream. It's called Koala Moon and it's hosted by me, Abbey.

With over 300 episodes, packed with original stories and sleep meditations, Koala Moon makes bedtimes easy and enjoyable. Episodes start out engaging and really rather magical, but as they progress, they gently slow to a calm and relaxing pace to have your little ones out like a light. Since launching in 2022, Koala Moon has helped with over 20 million nights sleep and received over 6,000 five-star reviews. Win back your evenings. Listen to Koala Moon now on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Now, some of you may remember this, but Jamie on the Man Enough podcast

with Justin Boudoni, a few years ago now, this was quite a while ago, asked me what did I used to value that I don't value anymore? And you can see me really think about this on the episode and I stumble trying to figure out what's true to me in that moment and I say being misunderstood. I said I don't value being understood anymore. I'm okay being misunderstood. And that is a work in progress. It's not a place that I've reached. It's something you're constantly working on.

place that I've reached. It's something you're constantly working on. But the reason I said that and where it comes from is that I've realized that all of us are a paradox. Take this in really, really

clearly. You, me, everyone we know is a paradox. And the reason why we struggle with ourselves is because we try to deny 50% or more of who we are. Right. So a

paradox is something that's seemingly absurd or contradictory. And what I'm saying is that all of us have contradictions in who we are, in how we are and how we behave. Right. Someone could meet you one day and say you're the nicest person in the world and someone else could meet you another day and say, I'm not so sure about them. Someone could say you're the kindest and someone could say you're the most courageous. You might say that you're really an introvert, but everyone else thinks you're an extrovert. We're all paradoxical.

And what limits us, the reason I'm bringing this up as a quarter one check in is because one of the ways in which we hold ourselves back is we try and say we're only one thing. And that doesn't allow us what that does is it blocks creativity. It blocks energy. It blocks frequency and vibration that otherwise we could unlock if we gave ourselves permission to be all of ourselves. It's almost like today we feel everything is black and white, right?

Everything's polarized because we're not able to get into the nuance. We're not able to get into the gray. How are you gray? How are you paradoxical? What is it about you that you keep pushing down? Right? It may be a skill set, maybe a belief and you're like, no, no, no, I don't want to be that. I'm just this one thing. Right? What is that for you? I remember for me, it was for years, I was like, no, I've been a monk. That's what I am. That's who who I am and I'm not allowed to be a media personality I'm not allowed to be other things and I've realized that I want to embrace all of who I am I want to embrace every skill I have I want to embrace all the talents all the passions

that I have and that's allowed me to unlock living a better life and I wonder what is it that you have blocked? What part of yourself are you blocking, restricting, limiting that's not allowing you to live at that level? There's a beautiful verse in the Bhagavad Gita the book that I studied during my time as a monk that says Attachment and aversion are two sides of the same coin. Let me say that again. Attachment and aversion are two sides of the same coin.

Notice how we all oscillate between attachment and aversion. This is who I am. I'm attached. That's not who I am. I'm averse. And we find that it's the same energy, right? When you're holding something close or pushing something find that it's the same energy, right? When you're holding something close or pushing something away, it's the same level of energy. Whereas when you're able to accept,

hey, maybe I'm a bit of both. Maybe that's okay. Maybe I'm playful and profound. Maybe I'm assertive and affectionate. Maybe I'm organized and totally goofy, right? We often want people to be one thing and we want to be one thing when we're all more than one thing. What part of yourself have you been blocking? What part of yourself have you been limiting because of that mindset? I also want to flip this one.

Who's someone in your life you have a very black and white view of? Could you look at them differently? Maybe do you recognize that they're paradoxical just as you are? There are parts of them that exist even if you never perceive them. It's so easy for us. We're lost in a world right now that's all about left and right, black and white, right and wrong, this and that. And the truth is there's so much nuance, there's so much gray. I do this one exercise sometimes with a client and we'll be walking down a path and I'll

ask them to focus on something or find some shrubs, some stone, whatever it is that kind of stands out to them that's unique and different, something that they wouldn't be familiar with. And I remember this one client, he picked something on the path and I asked him before he picked it up, I said, tell me what you think it's like. And he said, it looks really rough, hard and harsh. I said, okay, great, pick it up. He picked it up and half of it dissolved in his hand.

It was completely soft, almost like ash. Then when he turned it over, the other side was really smooth. And I said to him, this is the story of us and this is the story of everyone in our lives. We have a judgment. We have a perception. We have an opinion.

We have an assumption. Often we never even take the moment to experience that individual to really try and understand them. We just assume that our opinion, our projection, our prediction, our judgment must be right. Now even when we try to hold, when we try to come across that person, we may still hold on to our assumptions. But actually if we open up, we recognize that

they're a lot more complex, they're a lot more layered, they're a lot more textured than we thought. And the same is true for ourselves. We're so much more than who we think we are. And that's why we're meant for more. We're made for more. We're built for more. We're created for more. But we keep focusing on less. We keep thinking we deserve less. We keep thinking we're made for less. We keep thinking that we're built for less. We keep settling for less and less and less, not realizing we're made for and meant for so much more that we set ourselves up for.

What parts of yourself have you been hiding? What parts of yourself have you been limiting in quarter one? What parts of yourself have you been restricting? And what parts of others have you been restricting and what parts of others have you been limiting as well? The degree to which we can't accept our own paradoxical nature it becomes harder to accept others. That's just the reality that we face. It's just what we're going through. It's just the challenge we experience. Now finally I want to focus on a bit of strategy. I want to ask you three questions. What do you need to add to your life in quarter two to get it in the right direction? What's

the one thing you can shift? Is it your sleep routine? Is your workout routine? Is it protein in your diet? Whatever it is. What is that one thing? You need to shift and add to your life Just one thing not a million things just one thing What's the one thing you need to add to improve your life? A lot of us try and do too many things at the same time. A lot of us go, well, I failed already. It's all over, I can't do all of that. I'm just gonna do none of it.

What's the one thing you need to add to quarter two to make 2024 a great year? By the same token, what's one thing you need to stop doing? What's one thing you need to let go of? Could be socializing on a Monday night. It could be, you know, saying yes or no to something a little bit more. What is it that is holding you back

and that you need to let go of? One thing that you need to leave behind in this quarter. Just one thing, what is that one thing that you're gonna leave behind? this quarter? Just one thing, what is that one thing that you're gonna leave behind? What's one thing you're gonna add and what's one thing you're gonna minus? It's basic math. And then, what's one thing that you're gonna multiply?

What's something that you've been doing that you're gonna keep doing, that you're gonna do more of? What's one thing that's working for you that you know if to keep doing, that you're going to do more of. What's one thing that's working for you that you know, if you multiply it, it could transform everything. Now, I've asked you some tough questions today. I've asked you some difficult reflections today. I've asked you some challenging things today.

And I did that because I really want to mold, to help mold your mindset. I realized so many blocks that we perceive outside of ourselves are really in our mind. There's a belief system shift required. There's a inherent pattern of thinking that we've developed that's holding us back that needs to be shifted. And often I find that we're trying to solve these external problems, not realizing that so many of them simply exist in our minds. I think for me, what's so fascinating is that I want to get to a point where we don't keep

living in this world where we're trying to solve the problem outside of ourselves. I think it's really, really easy to constantly think like, oh, quarter one is wrong because that came up and that happened and this happened and that happened and that. And I'm not saying that we don't have valid excuses or reasons. We all do. But what I'm saying is that those are rarely the things that help you shift or move. And what really helps us move and shift for a lot of us is high stakes. Are the stakes high enough?

When people hear that they're pre-diabetic, they'll change their diet. When people hear that their partner maybe wants to break up, divorce or leave them, they may get more organized. Are the stakes high enough in your life? And stakes and stress are different, right? Stakes are something you set, stress is something that comes off its own accord. Notice the difference between stakes and stress. I don't want you to stress yourself out, but I want you to raise the stakes. I want you to raise the stakes in your life.

If you were meant to be going after 10 leads, go after 100. If you were meant to make, you know, one video a day because that's what you committed to, what are the stakes of why you can't miss that video? Who's expecting it who needs it we need to raise our stakes not raise our stress often we add more work to our plate and I'm not asking you to do that I'm asking you to add more worth to your work right raising your stakes means you're adding worth to your work adding stressing your stakes means you're adding worth to your work. Adding stress means you're just adding work to your work.

Raise your stakes in quarter two. Reduce your stress in quarter two. Thank you so much for listening to On Purpose. Make sure you leave a review. Pass this episode on to a friend who needs it. Listen to it with a friend. Thank you so much. Remember I'm forever in your corner and I'm always rooting for you. Thanks for listening. If you loved this episode you'll enjoy my interview with Dr. Daniel Amon on how to change your life by changing your brain.

If we want a healthy mind it actually starts with a healthy brain. If we want a healthy mind, it actually starts with a healthy brain. You know, I've had the blessing or the curse to scan over a thousand convicted felons and over a hundred murderers and their brains are very damaged. Hi friends, I'm Danielle Robay. And I'm Simone Boyce. And we're here to introduce you to The Bright Side, a new kind of daily podcast that's guaranteed to light up your day. Every weekday, we're bringing you conversations about culture, the latest trends, inspiration, and so much more.

We'll hear from celebrities, authors, experts, and listeners like you. Whether it's relationships, friend advice, or figuring out how to navigate life's transitions, big and small. We'll talk through it together. Listen to The Bright Side from Hello Sunshine every weekday on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. At one of the most famous restaurants in the world, there's a table in the corner where the most incredible conversations on the planet are happening every week with owner Ruthie Rogers,

an amazing guest, like Martha Stewart. But I did have an affair with one of his best friends. Jimmy Fallon. You want a zip line over your dad while he gets attacked by alligators. And Paul McCartney. John and I hitchhiked to Paris. We've saved you a seat.

Ruthie's Table Four. Listen to Ruthie's Table Four on the iHeartRadio app or wherever you get your podcasts. The Therapy for Black Girls podcast is your space to explore mental health, personal development, and all of the small decisions we can make to become the best possible versions of ourselves. I'm your host, Dr. Joy Harden-Branford, a licensed psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia, and I can't wait for you to join the conversation every Wednesday.

Listen to the Therapy for Black Girls podcast on the I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Take good care.