On Purpose with Jay Shetty - 9 Mistakes We Make in Love and Relationships

Episode Date: December 10, 2021

You can order my new book 8 RULES OF LOVE at 8rulesoflove.com or at a retail store near you. You can also get the chance to see me live on my first ever world tour. This is a 90 minute interactive show where I will take you on a journey of finding, keeping and even letting go of love. Head to jayshettytour.com and find out if I'll be in a city near you. Thank you so much for all your support - I hope to see you soon.What are your expectations in your current relationship? Do you wish for your partner to like the things that you like, enjoy the things that you enjoy doing, and share the same passion with you? Or do you want your partner to carve their own path along with you?In many relationships, this idealism that your partner needs to like what you like, love what you love, and hate what you hate in the pretext that it should be how they show their love for you can be toxic. It can strip away your partner's identity and freedom. It can be suffocating.In this episode of On Purpose, Jay Shetty tells us the common mistakes we make that don't help our relationships grow and what you can do now to strengthen it.Get your copy of Think Like a Monk today by clicking this link!https://thinklikeamonkbook.com/Key Takeaways:00:00 Intro01:41 The mistakes we make in a relationship02:58 Mistake #1: We make someone our everything07:28 Mistake #2: You’re with someone for they could be, not for who they are12:33 Mistake #3: You stay too long because you’re scared to be seen as the bad person15:04 Mistake #4: We trade time with our partners instead of creating new experiences16:39 Mistake #5: You want them to like what you like18:12 Mistake #6: You don’t take the time to understand why they are the way they are20:06 Mistake #7: You talk to too many people but not to the person you’re in a relationship with21:31 Mistake #8: You’re mad at them for the sacrifices you made that they didn’t ask for23:47 Mistake #9: Know the difference between ownership, partnership, and relationshipLike this show? Please leave us a review here - even one sentence helps! Post a screenshot of you listening on Instagram & tag us so we can thank you personally!See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

I'm Jay Shetty and on my podcast on purpose, I've had the honor to sit down with some of the most incredible hearts and minds on the planet. Oprah, Kobe Bryant, Kevin Hart, Louis Hamilton, and many, many more. On this podcast, you get to hear the raw real-life stories behind their journeys and the tools they used, the books they read, and the people that made a difference in their lives so that they can make a difference in hours. Listen to on purpose with Jay Shetty on the I Heart Radio app, Apple podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Join the journey soon. What if you could tell the whole truth about your life, including all those tender and visible things we don't usually talk about?

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Don't make sacrifices for people if you're going to make them pay for it because then it's not a sacrifice, then it's a transaction, right? Don't give people discounts if you're then going to ask for payment because then it wasn't a discount. Does that make sense? If you say I did all of this for you, but now I want you to pay it back, then you didn't really do it for them, you did it for you. And I'm not saying you have to do anything for someone,

but I'm saying if you are going to do it, then this is how you want to think about it. Hey everyone, welcome back to on purpose, the number on health podcast in the world. Thanks to each and every single one of you that come back every week to listen, learn, and grow. Now, whether you're walking a dog, whether you are editing, whether you're cooking, whether you're driving, whether you're walking, whatever it is that you're doing right now, thank you for being here. Thank you for trusting me.

Thank you for giving me your ears, giving me your time. I'm so grateful. As always, I will always, always, always be grateful to each and every one of you. And as always, I cannot wait till I finally get to meet you. So I just want to say, I have been loving your Instagram post recently. I've been seeing the podcast everywhere. And it makes my day. Some of you going back to the older episodes as well. And I was thinking about it just this year. We've had some incredible guests. Everyone from Jennifer Lopez through to Alicia Keys,

through to Will Smith, Big Sean, Jenae Ico. It has been a phenomenal year. But what to speak about the years before? We've had Yuval Noah Harari, the author of Sapiens. We've had the incredible Kobe Bryant Rest in Peace. We've had the amazing thoughts and insight from thinkers like Ray Dalio. It has been phenomenal what's been going on in the last two years.

And I just want to thank you for being here. Make sure you go back, listen to some over the holidays. And I'm so excited to be talking to you today. I can't believe it. My new book, Eight Rules of Love is out, and I cannot wait to share it with you. I am so, so excited for you to read this book. For you to listen to this book, I read the audiobook. If you haven't got it already, make sure you go to eightrulesoflove.com.

It's dedicated to anyone who's trying to find, keep or let go of love. So if you've got friends that are dating, broken up, or struggling with love, make sure you grab this book. And I'd love to invite you to come and see me for my global tour. Love rules. Go to jsheddytour.com to learn more information about tickets, VIP experiences, and more. I can't wait to see you this year. And today we're talking about the nine mistakes we make in relationships. The nine mistakes we make in love and relationships. This is for each and every one of you.

Whether you're in a relationship, whether you are single, whether you just broke up. This is one of those episodes that I think you're going to share with friends. You're gonna keep coming back to. I feel like a lot of you are going to listen to what I say today and then be passing it on to other people in your life. Because these mistakes, the mistakes we make again

and again, and no matter how much we hear them, no matter how much we learn them, when we find someone new, when it feels fresh again, we forget. It's amazing how when things feel fresh, we forget. It's amazing how when we're experiencing lost or chemistry, we forget the lessons that we learned from previous connections.

I don't want you to forget them. I don't want to forget them. And these come from coaching conversations I have. They come from clients, they come from friends and family members that I speak to about relationships. So the first mistake we make in love and relationships is we make someone our everything. We make that person our purpose.

We make them our passion, but here's the thing. A person cannot be your passion. A person cannot be your purpose. Your purpose is not a person. You can love a person, you can admire them, you can enjoy time with them, you can appreciate them deeply, but your purpose and passion are separate.

And when we make someone our everything, we lose ourselves. We lose parts of ourselves that we haven't even found yet. When you make someone you're everything, the reason it's a mistake is because your everything is now dependent on an independent mind, body, and consciousness. Now, their independence rules your feelings. Their choices decipher your mood,

their behavior and approach, inflict pain or pleasure onto how you feel on any given day. You give the remote control to your heart and emotions to this individual. They didn't ask for it. They didn't take it from you. They didn't force you. But you gave it. You gave it away. And when you make them your everything, you lose everything else. Someone can be important to you, but there's a difference when you make them your everything.

When you cancel plans, you change friends, you shift your whole entire being. The other challenge is that a lot of this comes from our search almost in a divine way. We're looking for divinity in humanity. We're looking for that divine God-like individual, whether we're religious or not. We're looking for that individual who is infallible. That person who's omniscient, the person who knows what we're thinking

and how we're feeling. We're looking for that divine individual, looking for divinity and humanity. And what does that leave us with? Insecurity and anxiety. When you look for divinity and humanity, you're left with insecurity and anxiety because there is divinity within humanity, but it's not the complete divinity

because it's covered over, it's muddy, it's messy, the consciousness has some purification that it requires. And so when we put our everything into something that is fallible, it is bound to let us down. But when we think it's infallible, we are programming ourselves to believe that well, this person's my everything, they will never let me down, but they will. So we set ourselves up for disappointment.

We set ourselves up for being disheartened and feeling dejected. So instead of making someone your everything, instead of making someone the most significant person, make them important, make them feel loved, but don't lose yourself in the process. How do you practically do that? First of all, you have your routines that are yours, your rituals, your routines that are you by yourself. Do you know what it is that you enjoy to do by yourself or you keep doing that?

The second thing is you have your passions in purpose to pursue. You don't trade your passion in purpose. You continue to search, you continue to seek. Because otherwise in a few years, maybe even in a few months, you're going to feel that person held you back from your purpose,

that they blocked you, your fascination with them being everything now makes you feel like they've kept everything from you. I hope this is resonating. I hope you can see how serious I am. Mistake number two that we make in love and relationships is you're with someone for who they could be, not who they are.

I was speaking to a friend the other day, and they said, well, you know, if I addressed him differently, and you know, if I, you know, if you spent a bit of time with him and you know, we got in the right shoes and got him the right shirt, like, you know, he could look really good. Oh, you know, actually, I really feel like if he applied himself, if he applied himself, wow, he would just be successful. You know, I really think that

she could be great if she was able to stop, you know, being that way. Notice how you see potential in someone, and that's a beautiful thing. Seeing potential in someone is actually one of the greatest gifts you can give them. The challenge is that you have to be with them for who they are, not who they could be, unless, unless you're willing to be patient and willing to be wrong. If you're willing to be patient and willing to be wrong, you can live in daydream land and imagination land forever. But if you are someone who's with someone for who they could be and you're constantly

trying to make them more organized, you're trying to make them more disciplined, you're trying to make them more focused, then you're not with them for who they are and they're going to feel that. And by the way, as time's gone on, I've realized that there's more to love in others than their productivity. There's more to love in others than their organization or focus. There's more to love in others than their ambition. Sometimes it's their lack of ambition that makes them loveable. Sometimes it's their simplicity that makes them likable. Now, of course, you have to be attracted to that and you have to work through that.

But I just want to put that out there as a consideration, as a reflection point, as something to meditate on. I think that is an interesting way to think about it. Now, when I say you're with someone for who they could be, not who they are, what ends up happening is you often take it upon you to become their guide, their coach, their savior, their director. And what ends up happening there is, is ultimately they try to live up if you're lucky

They try to live up to the version you want them to be or they move away and give up because they don't want to be that person and they feel minimized by your Mentorship If someone's feeling minimized by your mentorship chances are that that they're saying, this is where I want to live. This is who I am. Now sometimes people under your mentorship may even for a short period of time believe they can. I had this happen recently with a couple that I was coaching where one of them for six months

applied or appealed to believe that they could become this new vision of themselves. And they were almost enamored and attracted to it as well. But six months later, they climbed back in their whole love comfort out of fear of discomfort of having to be something more. Ultimately, that borrowed belief couldn't lead to bold internal belief. And that's the interesting thing about borrowed belief that at one point borrowed belief has to turn into self-investment and a borrowed belief

cannot evolve into self-investment if the individual isn't ready to put into work. It's almost like borrowed money. If I give you money to start a business, if that money is invested correctly, it could become more money in your money and you can even pay back the person that you borrowed money from. Similarly, with borrowed belief, if you invest that belief correctly, you can create amazing belief that is yours. But if you just use borrowed belief to spend, to waste, to feel good for a few moments, It's not long lasting. And so for six months,

maybe three, maybe nine, you may feel the borrowed belief give you faith and strength, but you have to always see if that belief becomes theirs. I remember a friend who had become religiously inspired. who had become religiously inspired. And he met someone who also, through him became religiously inspired. And the question I asked him is, is she doing it for you? Or is she doing it for her?

If she's doing it for you, it may run out, it may change, it may be skewed, if she's doing it for her, that's beautiful. And some real discernment required here, because if someone's trying to become better for you, they might become bitter because of you. Right? If someone's trying to become better for you, they might become bitter because of you. And so you have to really think about that. Are you staying here because your patient and detached? Or are you staying here because you are hoping for change?

The third mistake we make in love and relationships is you stay too long because you're scared of being the bad person. You're a people pleaser and you're scared of being perceived as uncaring. I know too many people who stay in relationships for far too long, just because they don't want to be seen as bad and then even when they end it, they try and stay involved in the other person's life, because they're too scared of taking the responsibility to say it's truly over. And that way they make themselves feel better about themselves that they have an abandon someone, but they don't realize that the abandonment the person experiences is even worse because they have access, but they're abandoned. Being abandoned is better than having access

and being abandoned really because in full abandonment, you try to find your own feet, but when you still feel you have access, you're still teased into believing that someone is still there for you, that someone is still around. So in this scenario, in this situation, if you've been stringing someone along when deep down in your heart, deep down in your heart, you know that it's not going anywhere.

But you're so scared of telling them it's over because you don't want to be perceived as a person who hurts people. So you stay longer and longer and longer only one day to decide that it truly has to end. And now the person feels confused, they say, well, you just told me last week that you loved me. I believe that we were going somewhere

because you've never said this to me. And in your heart, you've all long been plotting and planning this moment of peril for them, but they've only been expecting a proposal. If you know there is no future with someone, tell them as soon as you know. If you're experiencing this feeling that you don't want to be seen as a bad person, that's why you stay with someone, be honest with yourself. You're going to hurt them more.

You're going to hurt them in the short term when you end it, but you're going to hurt them far more in the long term if you keep it going. If someone has been with you for six months or 12 months or 24 months and you end it and they have to find their own way, they'll figure it out. But if you do that after five years or eight years or 10 years, boy, it's going to cause them a lot more pain. Well the fourth mistake we make in love is we try to trade time with our partners instead of creating new experiences. One of the biggest challenges we have is when we come to a relationship, it's like we almost

already have who we are, they have who they are, and then we try and trade what we like about it. So we're like, okay, well, if you come to the football game with me, then I'll go to that dinner with you. If you come to the party at my friends, then I'll sit and watch a game with you, right? Like, it's all about trading time. And now both people are doing things they don't want to do half of the time. Whereas what's beautiful is when in a relationship, you create a new set of values, activities, rituals and routines that you do together. So you have your own rituals and routines, which you don't force someone to become a part

of. You don't make that person have to understand you through that. You create something new together. It's like creating a child and people often complain. They're like, they want their child to be more like them or be raised like how they were raised. But when you create something together, you have to find a new way to raise it. And that includes the relationship. And it also includes the children in reality. And so this is something to really think about. You know, stop trying to make the other person be more like you or do what you do.

Try and focus on creating something new together, new rituals, new routines, not trying to make them do your routines and you trying to do their routines. Mistake number five is pretty much along the same lines, you want someone to like what you like, but it's a bit deeper in the sense that not only are you now trading time, you actually want them to like what you like. So it's a bit deeper in the sense that not only are you now trading time, you actually want them to like what you like. So you're like, well, I'm so passionate about my business. Why don't you get excited about it for me? You love me so you should get excited for me.

If you really loved me, then you would like the same things that I like. Why don't you like going out to buy art? Why don't you like going out to shop for this and that for the house? Why don't you like it because I care about it?" In the 1680s, a feisty opera singer burned down a nunnery and stole away with her secret lover. In 1810, a pirate queen negotiated her cruiseway to total freedom, with all their loot. During World War II, a flirtatious gambling double agent helped keep D-Day a secret from the Germans.

What are these stories having common? They're all about real women who were left out of your history books. If you're tired of missing out, check out the Womanica podcast, a daily women's history podcast highlighting women you may not have heard of, but definitely should know about. I'm your host Jenny Kaplan, and for me, diving into these stories is the best part of my day.

I learned something new about women from around the world and leafyling amazed, inspired, and sometimes shocked. Listen on the I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. The therapy for Black Girls Podcast is the destination for all things mental health, personal development, and all of the small decisions we can make to become the best possible versions of ourselves. Here, we have the conversations that help black women dig a little deeper into the most impactful relationships in our lives, those with our parents, our partners, our children, our friends, and most importantly, ourselves.

We chat about things like what to do with a friendship ends, how to know when it's time to break up with your therapist, and how to end the cycle of perfectionism. I'm your host, Dr. Joy Harden Bradford, a licensed psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia, and I can't wait for you to join the conversation every Wednesday. Listen to the Therapy for Black Girls Podcasts on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Take good care. This is what it sounds like inside the box card. I'm journalist and I'm Morton in my podcast City of the Rails. I plunged into the dark world

of America's railroads searching for my daughter Ruby who ran off to hop train. I'm just like stuck on this train, not where I'm going to end up, and I jump. Following my daughter, I found a secret city of unforgettable characters, living outside society, off the grid, and on the edge. I was in love with a lifestyle and the freedom, this community. No one understands who we truly are. The rails made me question everything I knew about motherhood, history, and that thing we call the American Dream. It's the last vestige of American freedom. Everything about it is extreme.

You're either going to die, or you can have this incredible rebirth and really understand who you are. Come with me to find out what waits for us in the city of the rails. Listen to city of the rails on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts or cityoftherails.com. It's rare for partners to care about what you care about, but they can care about you and that you care about is beautiful. Do they care enough And that you care about is beautiful. Do they care enough to let you make time for what you care about? That's where the care needs to be directed. We want our partner to care about what we care about.

The question is, do they let you care about it? Do they care that you care about it and they let you do it? But it doesn't have to be something that they have to care about. Otherwise, you're basically saying that someone has to develop a whole new set of values and care to be in a relationship with you, which is actually quite a big things to ask. Right? So I grew up caring about certain things and Rade grew up caring about certain things. Now, if I have to care about everything she cares about, that's actually not likely

or realistic. She loves and adores food and vegetables and understanding nutrition and diets and plans. And I love that she loves that, but I can't love it. Mistake number six is you don't take the time to understand why they are the way they are. We jump to conclusions, we make assumptions, but how many of us beyond knowing,

what people like to eat and what kind of movies they like and what sports team they support, like how many of us have really dive deep into how our partners are the way they are, maybe how their parenting was. Maybe the experiences that they had growing up that formed them, have we ever sat down to ask them really and truly how they got to where they got to? Because for so many people, for so many individuals in a relationship, we make the mistake by

not knowing because we actually find it harder to understand them. If we haven't taken the time to understand their past, we're going to struggle to understand how they act in the present. Usually we judge people for their choices now, but their choices now are based on experiences of the past. So you're taking it personal and you're saying, well, if you don't want to do this, then that means you don't want to be with me or you don't love me or I'm not important to you, but that may not be the case. with me or you don't love me or I'm not important to you, but that may not be the case. And if you've taken the time to understand them to delineate why they are the way they are, you have a much better chance of responding correctly in the present without making everything personal, right?

Whew, this one's a deep one. How many of you right now are making notes? I want you to take a screenshot right now because this one's been a deep one. How many of you right now are making notes? I want you to take a screenshot right now Because this one's been a deep one. I've really been letting loose. These are there's some bars of this one, right And it's just coming out because I see so much pain through expectations through not really Loving like love means you know understanding someone and is, yeah, I hope this is helping. I really, really hope it's helping. So number seven, one of the biggest mistakes we make in loving relationships is you talk to too many people in a relationship and you

don't talk to the person in the relationship. I see this all the time. When we have an issue, we go to everyone else for advice, rather than figuring out with that person who's the only person who can actually impact that relationship. Now I'm not saying don't ask for advice or don't get insight. I'm just saying that a lot of the challenges can be solved with each other, rather than outside of each other.

Because people outside of you don't have the same context, they don't have the same awareness, they don't have the same plans, desires, thoughts, they don't know any of that. And they also don't know what you really like about this person, they are only basing it on what they see through you. And what they see through you is the subjective experience

that you constantly project onto them. So talk to the person about the problem. And if that person doesn't want to talk about the problem, find out why, what is blocking them, don't blame them and then go talk to someone else. If you're in a relationship with someone, take the time, be patient enough to understand why conflict triggers them, why they avoid having these deep meaningful important conversations. And if they keep being disregarding it, then fair enough, it may be time for you to move

on. But the truth is that talking to everyone else about it while you suffer the disconnect and the relationship doesn't solve it either. Number eight is, you're mad at them for the sacrifices you made without them asking for it. Often we make sacrifices because we think we're in love. We make compromises because we think we're in love. We make compromises because we think we're in love. We go against our own selves because we want to show we are loving

and be loving and maybe we love them and we think this is how to show love. And then later on we get mad at those people, we make them feel guilty because we did all these things for them and now they're not reciprocating or they didn't value it, but they never asked for it. A big part of this is figuring out what it means to be in love. Love doesn't mean to compromise who you are. Love doesn't mean to sacrifice things that are meaningful to you. That's not love. Love means you are loving from a place where you still love yourself. One of the biggest ones where I think about this is when I think about Radi, Radi sacrificed living close to her parents

when we moved to the United States. And I've always thought about that. I've always thought, how did Radi do it? Why did she do it? What made her do it? And she'll answer that question with many things. Like we just got married. Like I was scared,

but I was open to it. Or maybe I just was sad every day, but I felt that we were creating something together. And I know it was your dream. And maybe there was some sacrifice for me. But one of the things Rady did is she owned it. She realized how it became good for her, rather than making me feel guilty.

When I had an Oscar, I was very clear about, I said to her, I said, I will literally visit you every weekend in London if that's what it takes. Like that's what I'll do. I'll go chase my dream, but I'll come visit you. And that will be how we'll be married because that maybe abnormal to a lot of people, but hey, we, you know, we're gonna redefine

what relationships look like, but don't make sacrifices for people if you're gonna make them pay for it because then it's not a sacrifice, then it's a transaction, right? Don't give people discounts if you're then going to ask for payment because then it wasn't a discount. Does that make sense? If you say I did all of this for you, but now I want you to pay it back, then you didn't really do it for them, you did it for you. And I'm not saying you have to do anything for someone, but I'm saying if you are going to do it, then this is how you want to think about it.

And the ninth and final thing I want to talk to you about is the difference between an ownership, a partnership, and a relationship. And this kind of sums up everything we've been talking about. A ownership is where you want to control, where you're like, I want you to do things like me. We should do things like, my parents did. I know what's right. That's ownership.

If you're coming from that perspective, that's a painful way to live because no one wants to be owned. And by the way, you don't necessarily have all the answers, even if you had a great upbringing or great background. A partnership is where you trade again. You say, okay, well, I'll do this for you. You did this for me. And a lot of couples survive there, but they don't drive there. And the final is a relationship. You be you, I'll be me. But let's build something beautiful together.

I know you, your own person, and your complex, and I'm my own person, and I'm complex. But let's build something simple and wonderful together. Let's build a space. It's almost like building a home and saying, all right, well, let's pick the colors together. Let's pick the rooms together. Let's figure this out together.

And there may be a room that's yours and there may be a room that's mine, but let's make some rooms together with the best of both of us, and maybe not even the best of both of us or the worst of both of us, but a new part of us. We're trying to make relationships from the best and worst of who we already are, when we could make them out of the growth we experienced together.

That's a relationship. Thank you so much for listening to today. This is definitely one that I hope you pass on. I think it's going to help a lot of people. And I can't wait to see what you learned through Instagram, Twitter, and all the other places that we're connected. Continue to live your life. Keep living your life on purpose.

Thanks for listening. We have an image of an ideal life. Our relationships, how we spend our time in work and leisure, what we want to achieve. Even without the noise of external influences, certain goals captivate us, and we design our lives around achieving them because we think they will make us happy. But now, we will figure out what drives these ambitions, whether they are likely to make us truly happy, and whether happiness is even the right target. We will figure out what drives these ambitions, whether they are likely to make us truly happy, and whether happiness is even the right target. I've just come out of a class where we discussed the idea of rebirth, some Sara, and now I'm strolling through the quiet Ashram with a senior monk and a few other students.

The Ashram has two locations, a temple in Mumbai, and the one where I am now, a rural outpost near Palgur. This will eventually be developed into the Gordan Eco Village, a beautiful retreat, but for now there are just a few simple nondescript buildings set in uncultivated land. Dry dirt footpaths divide the grasses. Here and there monks sit on straw mats, reading or stunning, the main building is open to the elements and inside we can see monks working. As we walk, the senior monk mentions the achievements of some of the monks we pass.

He points out one who can meditate for eight hours straight. A few minutes later, he gestures to another. He fasts for seven days in a row. Further along, he points, do you see the man sitting under that tree? He can recite every verse from the scripture. Impressed, I say, I wish I could do that. The monk pauses and turns to look at me. He asks, do you wish you could do that, or do you wish you could learn to do that? What do you mean? I know by now that some of my favorite lessons come not in the classroom, but in moments like this.

He says, think about your motivations. Do you want to memorize all of the scripture because it's an impressive achievement? Or do you want the experience of having studied it? In the first, all you want is the outcome. In the second, you are curious about what you might learn from the process. This was a new concept for me and it blew my mind.

Desiring an outcome had always seemed reasonable to me. The monk was telling me to question why I wanted to do what was necessary to reach that outcome. The Four Motivations No matter how disorganized we might be, we all have plans. We have an idea of what we have to accomplish in the day ahead. We probably have a sense of what the year holds or what we hope will accomplish and we all have dreams for the future.

Something motivates every one of these notions from needing to pay the rent to wanting to travel the world. Hindu philosopher Bhakti Vinod Takra describes four fundamental motivations. One, fear. Takra describes this as being driven by sickness, poverty, fear of hell or fear of death. Number 2. Desire. Seeking personal gratification through success, wealth and pleasure. Three. Duty. Motivated by gratitude, responsibility, and the desire to do the right thing. Four. Love. Compiled by care for others and the urge to help them.

These four motivations drive everything we do. We make choices, for example, because we're scared of losing our job, wanting to win the admiration of our friends, hoping to fulfill our parents expectations, or wanting to help others live a better life. I'm going to talk about each motivation individually so we get a sense of how they shape our choices. Fear is not sustainable. In the last chapter we talked about fear, so I'm not going to dwell on it here. When fear motivates you, you pick what you want to achieve, a promotion, a relationship, buying a home, because

you believe it will bring you safety and security. Fear alerts and ignites us. This warning flare is useful as we discussed. Fear points out problems and sometimes motivates us. For instance, the fear of getting fired may motivate you to get organized. The problem with fear is that it's not sustainable. When we operate in fear for a long time, we can't work to the best of our abilities.

We're too worried about getting the wrong result. We become frantic or paralyzed and are unable to evaluate our situations objectively or to take risk. What if you could tell the whole truth about your life, including all those tender and visible things we don't usually talk about? I'm Megan Devine. Host of the podcast, it's okay that you're not okay. Look, everyone's at least a little bit not okay these days,

and all those things we don't usually talk about, maybe we should. This season I'm joined by Stellar, guests like Abbermote, Rachel Cargol, and so many more. It's okay that you're not okay. New episodes each and every Monday, available on the iHeartRadio app or wherever you listen to podcasts.

Our 20s often say as this golden decade, our time to be kitfree, make mistakes, and figure out our lives. But what can psychology teach us about this time? I'm Gemma Speg, the host of the psychology of your 20s. Each week we take a deep dive into a unique aspect of our 20s, from career anxiety, mental health, heartbreak, money, and much more to explore the science behind our experiences. The psychology of your 20s hosted by me, Gembreak, money, and much more to explore the science behind our experiences. The psychology of your 20s hosted by me, Gemma Speg. Listen now on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Hey, it's Debbie Brown, host of the Deeply Well Podcast, where we hold conscious conversations with leaders and radical healers and wellness around topics that are meant to expand and support you on your well-being journey. Deeply well is your soft place to land, to work on yourself without judgment, to heal, to learn, to grow, to become who you deserve to be. Deeply well with Debbie Brown is available now on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Namaste.