On Purpose with Jay Shetty - Alicia Keys ON: Permission To Be More Yourself & The Gift Of Saying No

Episode Date: March 30, 2020

You can order my new book 8 RULES OF LOVE at 8rulesoflove.com or at a retail store near you. You can also get the chance to see me live on my first ever world tour. This is a 90 minute interactive show where I will take you on a journey of finding, keeping and even letting go of love. Head to jayshettytour.com and find out if I'll be in a city near you. Thank you so much for all your support - I hope to see you soon.It is fitting that Jay Shetty’s first-ever audio-only podcast would be with someone whose voice is so well known around the world. In this episode, Jay talks with talented artist, Alicia Keys. Long known for her soulful and award-winning music, Keys recently became an author with the release of her new book.Listen to the entire episode to discover how Keys learned to embrace the power of the word no while at the same time saying yes to all of life’s blessings.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

I'm Jay Shetty and on my podcast on purpose, I've had the honor to sit down with some of the most incredible hearts and minds on the planet. Oprah, Kobe Bryant, Kevin Hart, Louis Hamilton, and many, many more. On this podcast, you get to hear the raw real-life stories behind their journeys and the tools they used, the books they read, and the people that made a difference in their lives so that they can make a difference in hours. Listen to on purpose with Jay Shetty on the I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Join the journey soon. I'm Eva Longoria. And I'm Maite Gomesrachon.

We're so excited to introduce you to our new podcast. Hungry for history. On every episode, we're exploring some of our favorite dishes, ingredients, beverages from our Mexican culture. We'll share personal memories and family stories, decode culinary customs, and even provide a recipe or two for you to try at home. Listen to Hungry for History on the I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

The one you feed explores how to build a fulfilling life admits the challenges we face. We share manageable steps to living with more joy and less fear through guidance on emotional resilience, transformational habits, and personal growth. I'm your host, Eric Zimmer, and I speak with experts ranging from psychologists to spiritual teachers, offering powerful lessons to apply daily. Create the life you want now. Listen to the one you feed on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. I didn't value enough the beauty and the safety and the importance of my work and my

the need of being good to myself. And so in those ways, you know, it was all from the best intentions, but I didn't put myself first in that equation, and therefore in some ways, you know, I started to not belong to myself. Hey everyone, welcome back to On the Purpose, the number one health podcast in the world. And I want to say thank you to each and every single one of you that are using this as a resource to learn, to grow, to listen, to deepen your own practices every single week. Now this is the first time ever that I'm recording a audio-only zoom conversation naturally because of the environment that we're in right now. But I have to say that I cannot done it with anyone else.

I'm genuinely so deeply grateful and excited for this interview. I've been waiting to do it for a long, long time. And I'm so excited to be talking to you today. I can't believe it. My new book, Eight Rules of Love is Out. And I cannot wait excited to be talking to you today. I can't believe it. My new book, Eight Rules of Love, is out. And I cannot wait to share with you. I am so, so excited for you to read this book. For you to listen to this book, I read the audiobook.

If you haven't got it already, make sure you go to eight rules of love.com. It's dedicated to anyone who's trying to find, keep, or let go of love. So if you've got friends that are dating, broken up, or struggling with love, make sure you grab this book. And I'd love to invite you to come and see me for my global tour. Love rules. Go to jsheddytour.com to learn more information about tickets, VIP experiences, and more. I can't wait to see you this year. And our guest, as you already know, is none other than Alicia Keys.

Now, I know she needs no introduction, but she deserves one, so I'm gonna share it. A 50-time Grammy Award-winning artist, songwriter and musician, producer, accomplished actress, a New York Times best-selling author, a film television and Broadway producer, and an entrepreneur, and a powerful force in the world of activism. And what really blows me away about Alicia

is how she shares her soul and energy in the world. And today we're going to be speaking about her book, More Myself. And trust me, I've been going through the pages of this book and it is without a doubt a work of art. So Alicia, thank you so much for taking the time to do this. Thank you for being here and I'm so grateful to do this with you.

Same old, thank you for those beautiful words and for everything that you represent as well is really powerful. And I think we're kind of spirits and we're on similar trajectories and paths. So I'm super excited to be here. Thank you for having me. Yeah, absolutely. I feel that way too.

We have a lot of mutual friends. And I'm excited for the day. I finally get to meet you and give you a big hug when we're allowed. And yeah, I'm really looking for that. I wanted to start off just by sharing how when I'm going through this book, to me this is so much more than a book. For me, it felt like a healing. It felt like a meditation and a reflection in and of itself. It's not a memoir. it's not just a autobiography, it was really a experience for me as I was reading it. I really felt like I was there with you. And I

felt so connected to you in the vulnerability and the intimacy of the book. And I just wondered from when you were creating this book and when you were going on this journey of self discovery, what was it like as you were writing each page and reliving? Because that's what I think so fascinating here is, I really felt like you had to relive all these moments. What was that experience like?

Yeah, I have to say that that's exactly, it was so fortunate to be able to go back and reflect on, you know, just who you are and who you were and how that plays into who you're becoming and all these things because I think like me rarely do you have the time or the space or the moment or the bravery even to do that, you know, to look back and to really ask yourself and think about these moments in your life that have been character building and life changing or even light diminishing or enhancing or however it happens because we all go through a hundred different experiences that give us the things that we need at the time that we need them. And I just think that I would have never probably I would have never taken this time

to do that and I assume that many of us don't. And so, and that's just because of life, how it goes, we're usually going forward, we're not spending too much time going back or looking back. And so I thought this was really a gift for sure in that way of being able to do that and to carve out the time to do that and then to meet myself again in those different places and to realize why that then has helped me to be who I am right in this moment. So, it's super deep and layered, but it was quite difficult and also exciting and scary and uncomfortable. You know, all those things that come up. Yeah, I want you to know that I'm smiling cheek-to-cheek right now. Like I'm just hearing you speak and go through all of it.

And when I'm hearing you say that, I mean treat by, I love the language you use. I love the name of the book and I love how you discuss this relationship you have with yourself. And I love what you talked this relationship you have with yourself and I love what you talked about, of meeting yourself again. I wonder what meeting of yourself through the writing of this book broke you the most joy, like, remeeting that part of yourself or maybe even reconstructing that memory. What was the one that gave you the greatest joy? Oh, remeeting my own gosh. the greatest joy? Oh, reread meeting my own gosh.

Which part, you know, which part of me reread meeting myself brought me the the greatest joy? I think, you know, some different parts surely have all of that inside of it. But one of the ones that stand out to me and something that I've been thinking about is I found that when I when I remit like you know 18, 19 year old Alicia, she really didn't have the time yet or the opportunity yet to become doubtful, I'll say.

Like, you know, of course, of course, we all go through different moments in our life and we surely filled out in security and all those things, and that's supernatural. But I think she had like that 19 year old Alicia had a certain confidence about her that was really sure. She knew what she didn't want. She knew who she didn't want to be. She wasn't trying to, trying to bend too much to be that person that other people might have thought would do better for her because she was very, very, very,

very clear. And she hadn't yet had the taste of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, or whatever happens I think sometimes when in different parts of our life we find ourselves. And for me, I think after that time, some of me changed in a way. And I realized that now I've found my way back to where I was then. And I found that to be so interesting because in a way I started out more clearly myself and then maybe lost my way through the middle. Yeah, interesting. And then I found that I've been able to find my way back and when I look when I look at myself today and I'm like, oh, okay, I realized I'm most close to the original me, which was probably, you know, right before everything started to pick up, take off, you know,

success and things like that. And so that's that's to me really really interesting an interesting revelation and that makes me smile because in a way I kind of already had it. Yeah That's that's that's so funny, isn't it? It's so funny, isn't it? When you realize that, it's crazy to think that it's almost a process of unlearning and rewiring and reconnecting back to who we were or what we knew and letting go of all the noise and the layers.

And you talk about, in part one of the book, you talk about, and you say this, and when you part one of the book you talk about and you say this and when you say it through the story you share it's so powerful when you talk about I no longer belong to myself and when you said that and what you're sharing around that space the question I had is when people say the phrase don't sell your soul to achieve how do you interpret that now? Like how do you interpret that in context of you saying, I no longer belong to myself? You know,

I think when you hear that phrase, don't sell your soul, you automatically assume that it has to do with financially, right? You automatically assume that, you know, okay, you know, people might offer you some absorbent amount of money and to do all these things that maybe you don't want to do. And so automatically, you kind of think financially,

don't sell your soul, literally don't sell it for a certain number, which is a great guiding light. And I agree with that as well, because I think that a lot of times when I'm making choices that have a financial incentive, a lot of the times I'll ask myself, if all the money was off the table, do you want to do this?

If you had to do this for free tomorrow, would you be passionate about it? And to me, that's like the equalizing space and question that really makes sure that your soul and spirit and heart is in a right place, and that you actually are in love with something. So, but going back to the point, that's not the point. I doubt that's the point. It's beautiful. Keep doing it. Be free, Flop. The point of what you

asked was, yeah. So I think when I, now when I hear, don't say your soul, I don't think so much financially. I think more spiritually because there is a wealth and a richness that you have by protecting the beauty of who you are and your sanity and your wellness and the specialness of who you are and each of us are special in this really beautiful one of a kind of way. And a lot of the times, I think you will find that I found that in order to maybe ensure that this dream that I've always had could be real or be obtainable or continue on or whatever, I didn't value enough the beauty and the safety and the importance of my worth and and my and my the need of being good to myself.

And so in those ways, that's why I didn't belong to myself because I started to want to do things from the best intentions, by the way. I did it because I wanted good things to come from it. I wanted people to be happy. I thought it would make people feel good, you know, it's all from the best intentions, but I didn't put myself first in that equation. And therefore, in some ways, you know, I started to not belong to myself. Yeah, I think that's a beautiful distinction you've made there between selling your soul

usually being a financial reference or, you know, I think you've spot on, that's what we usually think we go, okay, that means I'm not going to sell that financially. What I mean is that there's so much more of an existential, spiritual question. And I think that that's a really beautiful distinction that a lot of people make. And it almost feels like the one you're more tested on. And that's actually harder to maintain because you may still be able to stick to your passion.

But I'm fascinated that since you were four years old, there were two constants I noticed in your life. So one was, and I wanted to share both of them because I think both I noticed in your life. So one was, and I wanted to share both of them because I think both, I admire in different ways. One of them was you say you knew that one day you'd be a singer and you knew that in your guts into a four. And I'm fascinated by how you not knew that

because I think you're right. I think when we're younger, we do know things. But what I'm intrigued by is what made you trust your intuition at that age. Because I think when we're young, when we're malleable and moldable and we're more go along with what society or family or friends or noise tells us. But you knew, but what was it that helped you continue to command and follow that? Hmm. I didn't feel that, you know, I think that back to this similar theme about like we kind of start out knowing the truth and then we start learning the lies and the lies start to get in a way and start to make it really or

inheriting the lies maybe and you know and and again It's not because somebody actually lied to us is because They just told us what they knew and what they knew was probably not really the truth either and each person has their own Truth anyway, and so really doesn't matter what other people tell you because you have person has their own truth anyway. And so it really doesn't matter what other people tell you because you have to find your own truth. And each person's truth is different. And so I think that at that four-year-old place, I was very, very clear. I was super clear. I didn't have that interference yet. I didn't have that kind of societal oppression yet because I was just so pure and so open.

And my mother has always been a performer. And I remember us doing like, there are these cute little talent shows that at my little kindergarten. And we would perform together and we'd practice these different routines. And it'd be me and her. And she's such a, you know, she's such a performer and she's always had such a passion for the arts and that's what she came to New York to do. So in so many ways I've always said that I am her dream manifested in some way. And so she always had that spirit to her. And I think because that was her dream as well,

she was excited when she saw that spark in me too. And so we just were a good match. We just were a good match. So I think it wasn't until later that I started to get out of that sweet innocent that really I think where this truth lives just because you start meeting more people and you start being more exposed to different things and then maybe you start the doubt creeps in or the fear creeps in or the you know whatever else comes in to try to unseed us. But in that four-year-old space, I definitely knew, and there was no doubt, and I'm clear about that. Yeah, and I love what you said there. We start with the truth, and then we learn the lies, we inherit the lies, I think that's such a beautiful state,

but it's poetic, but it's so true as well. And the other constant that I noticed in your life as I was reading through the pages was your friendship with Erika since you were four. And when I saw that, I'm blown away by anyone who can have a friendship that lasts the changes of life, the seasons of life, the ups and downs of life, and you work together, right?

Yes. Yes. so many seasons. Yeah, how do you maintain a friendship through that time? Since four years old, so many have known you, your whole life basically. Tell me what that's like through the journey you've had of maintaining a friend who's been a part of your life the whole way. Yeah, I think it was quite natural, you know, we knew each other from very young and just because we are family, you know, her family lived in the building that I lived

in, so that's how we kind of connected and met and then we had similar trajectory just meeting up in that way and then we were reintroduced to each other later when she was in college and her uncle Norman was the one that said, hey, Erica is doing music and I know you're doing music and maybe you guys can connect and so we reconnect it because we already knew each other and then we realized how much we understood each other which I think is so rare. It's like, I can literally count on my one hand, the amount of people that actually understand me. And I'm sure that, and that I understand them,

and there's like a real connection there that's so genuine and pure. So, you know, when that happens, you know that it's rare and it's special. And so, from there, we just continue to conversate and she was really smart in finishing college. And I was just about to embark on this whole crazy world and touring and it just the timing was just as it was meant

to be. And so then we start to transition from kind of the friend only to the friend and colleague and growing together in this space. And it was very comforting for me because it was nice for me to have somebody that I knew and trusted and felt, you know, close to my age and to my experience and that type of thing. And so it just was all timing, man. You know, So I think that for most of it, it was quite easy. As I think the best relationships are, you don't have to make sure all relationships take work

to maintain, to understand, to have the communication that's necessary for them. But I think the best relationships are always quite easy and fluid. And so that was one of them. Hey, it's Debbie Brown. And my podcast, Deeply Well, is a soft place to land on your wellness journey.

I hold conscious conversations with leaders and radical healers and wellness and mental health around topics that are meant to expand and support you on your journey. From guided meditations to deep conversations with some of the world's most gifted experts in self-care, trauma, psychology, spirituality, astrology, and even intimacy.

Here's where you'll pick up the tools to live as your highest self. Make better choices. Heal and have more joy. My work is rooted in advanced meditation, metaphysics, spiritual psychology, energy healing, and trauma-informed practices. I believe that the more we heal and grow within ourselves,

the more we are able to bring our creativity to life and live our purpose, which leads to community impact and higher consciousness for all beings. Deeply well with Debbie Brown is your soft place to land, to work on yourself without judgment, to heal, to learn, to grow, to become who you deserve to be. Deeply well is available now in the I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to podcasts.

Big love, namaste. I am Mi'amla, and on my podcast,-Spot, we're having inspirational, educational, and sometimes difficult and challenging conversations about relationships. They may not have the capacity to give you what you need. And insisting means that you are abusing yourself now. You human! Ha ha ha! That means that you're crazy as hell, just like the rest of us.

Ha ha ha ha! When a relationship breaks down, I take copious notes, and I want to share them with you. Anybody with two eyes and a brain knows that too much Alfredo sauce is just no good for you, but if you're going to eat it, they're not gonna stop you. Yep. So he's gonna continue to give you the Alfredo sauce

and put it even on your grits if you don't stop him. Listen to the art spot on the iHeart Video app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you listen to podcasts. I'm Munga Shatekater and to be honest, I don't believe in astrology, but from the moment I was born, it's been a part of my life. In India, it's like smoking. You might not smoke, but you're going to get secondhand astrology. And lately, I've been wondering if the universe has been trying to tell me to stop running and pay attention, because maybe there is magic in the stars if you're willing to look for it. So I rounded up some friends and we dove in and let me tell you,

it got weird fast. Tantric curses, major league baseball teams, canceled marriages, K-pop. But just when I thought I had a handle on this sweet and curious show about astrology, my whole world can crash down. Situation doesn't look good. There is risk too far. And my whole view on astrology? It changed. Whether you're a skeptic or a believer, I think your ideas are going to change too.

Listen to Skyline Drive and the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcast, wherever you get your podcasts. Oh yeah, that's interesting. You say that the best relationships are generally meant to flow naturally. It's almost like it doesn't, it shouldn't have to be incredibly hard work. Right. Yeah, that's what I find. Yeah. Yeah. That's beautiful. It's a nice way to look at it, because I almost feel like we're programmed as humans to believe, like, if we're working harder for something, then it's more important. I know.

I mean, like, we come like that. I know. I understand that. Yeah. We feel like that. We feel like, if I'm not working hard, then it can't be worth it. Like, we have that conditioning, that storytelling in our mind. And so sometimes I feel like people stay in relationships

because it's harder work. And they wear that as the badge of honor. And we see that as like, we've achieved something today. Oh my gosh, it's so, no, you're so right. And in fact, in the, have I truly, truly, like in the past four years, to be honest, have I truly said, like, if it's not flowing, I'm not doing it.

Because I had to finally understand that it's like, this whole idea is swimming upstream, and this whole idea of like, it's just the most difficult thing ever and And yet we still fight for it and fight for it and fight it for it I did that for so long for so long and and finally I realized like wait if it's not flowing. It stopped flowing for a reason Yeah, it's quite hard. It's quite hard. There's even you know, but I listen even to you know It's quite hard. It's quite hard. It's even, you know, but I listen even to, you know, two months ago when I was preparing for the Grammys, I had, I had, you know, the whole thing, all of my ideas for that. And this one very particular idea that I had was absolutely not coming to life.

And I could not let it go. I could not. I kept fighting and pushing and finding another way. And I'm going to find it. And I won't give up on it. And I kept on, I kept on, I kept on. And I, you know, here I was telling myself previously that, you know, if it doesn't flow, just let it go. But here I was back in the day. You know, this is worth it.

I'm going to fight for it. I'm going to find it. If they want to beat me, I'm here. I'm going to do it. I mean, and finally it took my husband one night. He was like, Alicia, I, I'm going find it is they want to beat me. I'm here. I'm gonna do it. I mean, and finally it took my husband one night. He was like, Alicia, I am watching you. And this thing is consuming you. I mean, you can't even think about anything else

because all you're working on so hard is this thing that it's obviously not coming together. I think you should let it go. And he finally had to bring me back to like my own promise to myself. Yeah, well, it's so crazy that you touched on that because I'd actually taken an excerpt out of the book that I wanted to read to the audience because it just really, like it was like a punch in the gut when I was reading it in a good way. And it was exactly this piece. So this is reading from the book, more myself.

And Alicia says, I'm going to find the exact piece that I love. Here we go. So, sorry, it would be much better in your voice, but I'm reading it out because I've picked it. But it's, at the time, I wouldn't have described it that way, nor did I truly understand that there was a flow with my name on it. But from this side of life, I can see how every moment, every experience, every pivot, even my supposed missteps have been life's way of getting me where

I have always been meant to go. Rather than resisting the current, I've learned to surrender. And I thought that was absolutely beautiful. So I guess my question there is like, how do you, because I agree with you on both sides and I see both in myself too. And I want to learn from you here. How do you know when too much is too much for yourself? And I don't mean as a principal.

I mean, as a principal for you. How do you know when it's worth the fight because there are times in this book where you stand up for your values. You had to believe in what you're doing. And there are times where you're like, actually, it's just surrender. How do you find that balance between those two places? Man, I still struggle with that. Me too.

To be honest, you know, I sometimes I'm so clear and I know, yeah, you know, this isn't it. And I have to let it go. It's better to let it go. Sometimes I'm so clear. And a lot of times I, it takes me quite a while and I find myself like I just explained, having to remember and relearn what I thought I already knew. And I thought I already knew I didn't want to fight or have to go against the flow. So sometimes it's quite clear. And sometimes it's not as clear to me. And I guess that's okay, you know,

that's okay. But I know that if I'm, if I feel it, if I'm, if I'm feeling, I know I definitely have learned to trust really much more that, that, that sensation and just really tells you, no. Or yes, whatever it is, I've definitely learned to pay a lot more attention to that. And that is a part of the piece of what you're asking, like, how do you know when it's enough, or what's your own personal kind of barometer there. But I think that that's personally something that I'm constantly working through to really

drop into what I know to be true. And because I think we're all around so much noise and we're around so many damn opinions. Like, Lord, the amount of opinions, it's like how do you navigate yourself through all the opinions? Because part of it is great. It's wonderful to have these different perspectives and it feeds you and you kind of can see it

from different points of view. And that's really great. But then there's another part of it that it can just become so noisy. So to drop into that space in your gut, that literally like, if you don't feel it, you do know you don't feel it. You do know that. And you can try to convince I'm good at I'm a good convinced that I try to convince myself that I can do it. And I

try to explain in myself and I try to rationalize myself, but I do know when it's not when I'm not feeling it. And so I'm learning much better to just be comfortable with that and to know that that's for a reason. And even if I don't understand that reason right now, there's a reason why it's not feeling right and to really just trust that. Yeah, no, absolutely. And I appreciate you, honestly, with that. It is such a hard thing to know. And that's why I asked you because I think we all struggle with that. It is such a heart thing to know. And that's why I asked you because I think we all struggle with that. Where the book starts to get really just where you just open up even more and you get an intimate look into how you've got to where you are today.

And the relationships in your life, in one of the chapters you talk about your relationship but carry. And what I find fascinating about that is just how you're able to understand how different people come into your life for different reasons. And you talk about how women and men, but we choose someone, you know, you talk about women specifically,

you talk about you choose someone that's either like your father or not like your father, right? Like that extreme. And then a lot of people can relate to that. And you know, me and my wife often talk about that, we talk about the similar traits we have to our parents and how I compliment some of those things that she loves in her father or, you know, the differences that we have. And we start to see that. Tell me what you were able to learn from these different people in your life at different times that helped you with the relationship you have now. Right?

You've got two beautiful kids and you're happy. You're like, what were the things that you'd learn that helped you build the relationship you had now? Oh, and just overall with anyone and everyone? Oh, wherever you're specifically. Wherever you overall with anyone and everyone. Oh, we're specifically wherever you want to go with it, wherever you're comfortable to go with it. So what so what situations or what relationships have shown me or helped me to get to where I am now where I'm able to have a really healthy, you know, just

loving reciprocal relationship is kind of what you need. Yeah, what I mean is, sorry if I'm not explaining myself well, what I mean is that when you talk about your relationship with Kerry and you talk about, you know, how you feel that how he was brought into your life to teach you said in date. So I'm asking by what some of those lessons were and how they continue to be useful in your life now. Oh my gosh, yes. So I mean, the biggest one, definitely, and it's just so incredible and again, back to that self-reflection and back to that being able to look, you know, look at it from this clear vantage point now.

It's so apparent what Kerry and I were brought together to create. What he was brought to teach me was very, very, very important, deep stuff. I know one of the stories that I share in the book is, you know, I, like, like I said, we inherit all these things. And I, I had this habit of, uh, that my mother is, she does all the time. And she, it's kind of like this, this self-deprecating thing. This is like a little bit of, you know, it's a little bit of like, takes the weight off and kind of, maybe it's sort of a joke, but it's actually, you know, just, you know, and I would do this thing that I picked up from her where I would say,

well, you know my look. You know, and it was almost like, it's almost like protection so that if everything, if something didn't go right, I already knew that that was okay, you know, and, well, because you know my luck, so that's probably... You know, it was like a disclaimer or something. And I didn't even know I was doing that.

And I didn't even realize I was doing it. And it became just a habitual thing that I would say. And so we'd be talking, I would be like, well, because you know my luck, and then he was like, why do you say that? And I was like, what? And he was like, why do you, what is making you say that? And I was like, what? And he was like, why do you, what is making you say that?

And I was like, what are you talking about? It's like, what's time in that series what are you talking about? He really pointed out to me that, you know, by me using those words, I was basically asking the universe to give me bad luck. basically asking the universe to give me bad luck because I was saying that well since I was claiming that my luck was not good. And I was doing it in a joking manner that I thought was that I had picked up so I didn't

think it was a big deal. But in actuality it was blocking me. And I mean I was probably at the time like 16. And I was able to receive that message so loud and clear, you know, from him. And I know that it changed its trajectory because I started to learn early the power of words and how what you say is definitely a million percent what you won't get. And so I didn't know that. And so when he opened my eyes to that, it really changed a lot for me. And so things like that, he really, you know, he gave me those kind of gifts and

and it really helped to shape a lot of my, you know, the way that I looked at things and the way that I started to say things and what I would remove from my vocabulary or I would just remove from from the things that I had learned, you know learned before him. So there's so much that he shared with me and taught me that I know has contributed to my mindset, my way I see things. Yeah, that's beautiful. Thank you for sharing that. When you talk about it in the book and you talk about it just out. It's shocking to me because the things that you're talking about and then I look at how old you are in that section, I'm like, what?

No way. It's almost like there's so much wisdom in your soul and you're so mature and then at the same time you're reflecting so deeply, you know, choices or decisions that you saw leading you the wrong way. And it's so interesting just to see that juxtaposition of just rechecking. Oh wow, you're only 16 then, you know, and there's so much to see.

And one of the things I love about the book that I think has been done beautifully is you have these short notes at the beginning of some of the chapters from people in your life, like your father, your, you know, sound engineers, like so many different roles, and those can be an incredible window into the scenario and situation when I'm reading it. And I was wondering how, you know, because I think this is such a common thing for so many people,

like as they grow up, their relationship with their parents, either strengthens or weekends. How did this process help you heal your relationship or further or deepen your relationship with your parents of going through this process of reflecting on all of this again? How is that journey taking place for you to your spiritual growth? Yeah, no, definitely. I mean, I've taken so many ways in a lot of ways. It's done so much of that, so much of that.

Even hearing the stories that my mother shared and realizing her perspective and realizing how things must have been for her during these different times, especially when she talks about kind of choosing to have me. And it wasn't the kind of traditional scenario when she got pregnant. And she wasn't kind of on the trajectory to marry my father. And it just wasn't, you know,

what we are told is kind of the way things are supposed to happen. to marry my father. And it just wasn't, you know, it wasn't the, you know, what we are told is kind of the way things are supposed to happen. It didn't happen like that. And that could have been really, really difficult for her. And surely it was. And she had to make some really hard choices. And so just hearing kind of her perspective and her story.

And but then still understanding that regardless, she, you know chose me she chose me you know that is what that is like things like that just as a daughter you don't I mean of course if you step back of course your parents like guess choose you because once they choose to go forward they chose you and they're going to stick it out for good, bad, or indifferent. But as a daughter, you don't think like that. Like, you don't really think like that. And so to have those moments now on this side

and also being a mother and understanding, like, the weight of what that actually means is it just deepened my respect and my love for her so, so much, which I don't even know how that can get any deeper because she's literally my one and only. Like, truly, in regards to consistency and actually being there for me for real, it's her.

And that's it, you know? So she, so, but to learn more about that and her, you know, doubts and insecurities and things she had to overcome really just brought me closer to her, I think just as a woman, you know, as a woman. So that was, that's really cool and really powerful. And then, and then for my father as well, we've definitely

been on a deep journey to understand our relationship. And it's taken many incarnations and it's taken many turns and taking many, many places that have had to do it anger and rage and worthlessness and many, many emotions and even moving towards gratitude and definitely like a deeper understanding of his journey and his difficulties and what he's had to endure and experience and his upbringing. And, you know, he also was raised by his mother only and he didn't really have. He had a father figure in my grandfather, who my grandmother married later on.

You know what I mean? But in regards to like him having a father figure, you know, how does one learn how to be a father? What is born, knowing how to be a father? Which is born, knowing how to be a father, like how do you know? How do you know? So, or how does one learn how to be a mother, you know, same. So, it's just so deep in this kind of place of empathy

and understanding and really, you know, as opposed to just only seeing everything from your view and your perspective, I think that's what it's given me. The most of being able to see it from multiple perspectives and multiple views and to your point, even those intro chapters and things like that create another perspective of how to look at it and how to see it. And ultimately, that's our experience, I think, is how we see it, is the experience we have with it. So, it's been really, really dope and great and beautiful.

And my father and I are really in a very wonderful place and closer than we've ever been and really able to be friends and just like humans and without all of the extra attachments or without all of the extra us. What I want to call it, it's almost like the pictures were painted that we assume we're supposed to live up to. And then we hold each other to these images of what it's supposed to be but we each have to create what it is and you know, hey, you might not be the daddy that was in my life at four years old and threw me up on your

shoulders and walked around and and then took me in the bed at night. That might not have been of our experience but that doesn't mean that our experience isn't valuable and that our experience isn't special too in the way that it was meant to unfold. So that empathy has definitely come through in a lot of ways and I love that this book has assisted that. A good way to learn about a place is to talk to the people that live there.

There's just this sexy vibe and Montreal, this pulse, this energy. What was seen as a very snotty city, people call it Bosedangeless. New Orleans is a town that never forgets its pay. A great way to get to know a place is to get invited to a dinner party. Hi, I'm Brendan Friends' newdom and not lost is my new travel podcast where a friend and I go places, see the sights, and try to finagle our way into a dinner party. We're kind of trying to get invited to a dinner party. It doesn't always work out.

I would love that, but I have like a Cholala who is aggressive towards strangers. I love the dogs. We learn about the places we're visiting, yes, but we also learn about ourselves. I don't spend as much time thinking about how I'm going to die alone when I'm traveling, but I get to travel with someone I love. Oh, see, I love you too. And also, we get to eat as much... I love you too.

I love you too. My life's a lot of therapy goes behind that. You're so white, I love it. Listen to Not Lost on the iHeart Radio App or wherever you get your podcasts. The therapy for Black Girls podcast is the destination for all things mental health, personal development, and all of the small decisions we can make to become the best possible versions of ourselves. Here, we have the conversations that help Black women dig a little deeper into the most

impactful relationships in our lives, those with our parents, our partners, our children, our friends, and most importantly, ourselves. We chat about things like what to do when a friendship ends, how to know when it's time to break up with your therapist, and how to end the cycle of perfectionism. I'm your host, Dr. Joy Hart and Bradford, a licensed psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia. And I can't wait for you to join the conversation every Wednesday. Listen to the therapy for Black Girls Podcast

on the I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your podcasts. Take good care. Hi, I'm David Eagleman. I have a new podcast called Inner Cosmos on I Heart. I'm a neuroscientist and an author at Stanford University and I've spent my career exploring the three-pound universe in our heads. On my new podcast, I'm going to explore the relationship between our brains and our experiences by tackling unusual questions so we can better understand our lives and our realities.

Like, does time really run in slow motion when you're in a car accident? Or can we create new senses for humans? Or what does dreaming have to do with the rotation of the planet? So join me weekly to uncover how your brain steers your behavior, your perception, and your reality. Listen to Intercosmos with David Eagelman on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Wow, that's so powerful to hear that the pictures and the visions that we, like our fiction writing, brains creative, what it should look like and what it should feel like.

And then you start realizing that no one has what it should feel like or look like. Like it doesn't really exist in that I experience different. And what I'm hearing you say also is, when we develop the emotional skills our parents didn't have, that's when we realize how hard it is. Right? Like it's almost like there's an expectation of your parents to be a certain way, but then when you try and become that yourself,

you realize how hard it is to gain those qualities and those perspectives. Does that make sense? Yes, absolutely that does. That does, man. And you're a mother now, so you must see it from that perspective again, like almost like the 180 flip of being in that situation and seeing that in your children. It's oh man that yeah no that's definitely a mind trip. It's really interesting and I think the biggest the biggest part for me comes back to what we talked about already with the unlearning learning and just what the truth is for you and just really recognizing what it is that you want to bring for it toward them, for them. What do you want to let go of even in yourself? Because I think there's constantly, that's one of my favorite things about being

a parent is that they're teaching me so much about what I want to let go of and what I no longer want to bring forth, you know, and that is so interesting and crazy. And so it's something else. Yeah, it's always nice hearing that about how much, I don't have kids yet, we don't have kids yet. So we haven't had that gift in our life yet, but to hear that from your perspective of how much you're learning back from that is phenomenal.

And I know that my community loves hearing about how relationships form, especially partners and husbands' wives or marriages or partnerships with any form. What I found fascinating was that you and your husband actually go way back. It's funny to read that you were actually turned off by him because of how flashy he was and the fact that he'd brag about completing a beat in 10 minutes. And by the way, I've been a big fan of his beats for a very long time.

I was kind of like, it's tough this way. So what took the scales in his favor? Like, what was it that allowed you to recognize that this was the person you wanted to be? Oh, I was like, it was so interesting as such a journey because, you know, like you said, and we talk about it, I actually love the story of us in the book a lot because it really I think comes through really purely as to the experience and and and we've known each other for so long and you know since we were like 15 and 14 and we've seen each other through these different incarnations in our lives and we've seen each other through these different incarnations

in our lives and we've watched each other become successful without even really, you know, not, you know, we knew each other in the sense of we met in these different places and we of course were happy for each other's success but, you know, it was kind of in passing in so many ways and so I found that with him, I really was quite judgmental about him. Which is something that I think we do, like as humans. You know, we just are super judgmental about a person. And so I always had this idea about what I thought that he was in my mind. And that particular thought that I thought that he was was something that I didn't find

to be something I wanted to really get to know more of, or, you know, I didn't, I thought it was to your point, like I wrote quite flashy, very over the top, very kind of obnoxious, ostentatious. It was completely the antithesis of what I, who I believe I am, or who I believed I was. And just what the energy that I carried. And so I was always so like, ah, there he goes again. And like, he can't just have a fancy car.

Yes, I have the white fan. You know, he can't just have a fancy car. He has to have the white fan. He can't just have a really nice chain. He has to have five diamond chains. It was just so over the top and so much so I drew these conclusions about him. And every time that I connected with him, I was always like, wow, he's so cool, like huh. I didn't realize how cool he was.

And I'd always be introduced to the real him because as we do a lot, you know, we judge each other and assume that we know something about people and we don't. And so it wasn't in some that I actually started to communicate with him or conversing that then I started, I was like, wow, he's quite interesting.

He's always thinking about something that's so interesting and so that it was that it was the actual getting to know him and really just the peeling away the layers of what I assumed and actually getting to know the spirit of the person. And I think that when I look at it from now, you know, and I look, and I know for a fact that the universe and God definitely knew what they were doing when they brought us together. Because it's completely this,

we both have what each other didn't have before us. And so there's this beautiful thing where he's taught me so much about like greatness and bigness and being unafraid of this enormousness that we have within us. And you don't have to be afraid of it. You don't have to not step into your five diamond chains.

Now, you might express that in a different way and you might want to express that brilliance and brightness in another way, but you don't have to be afraid to express it. You don't have to hold it back and repress it. You don't have to be afraid to express it. You don't have to hold it back and repress it. You don't have to not want wonderful things for yourself. You don't have to be afraid of anything, not your wealth in any capacity, not the wealth of the love that you have, that you want to give, not the wealth of the ideas that you have that you want to create, not the wealth

financially that you want to be able to have and give and share, you do not have to hold it back. And I only held everything back until I met him. And he was a really, really big teacher to me about how to walk into my greatness and not apologize for it. And it was, and it's really deep. It's really deep and really amazing. and I'm so grateful for it. And I've also given him a sense of grounding

and a sense of deepening and a sense of really looking at things from a more expressive place or a more intimate place, because I'm more internal, he's more external. And so it's really been so special to witness the way that we were both obviously meant to bring each other this energy. And so we compliment each other so beautifully. And it continues to be that way. I'm so blessed for that. Yeah, I'm so glad you shared that because I feel like in this, in this online dating world or social media dating world that we missed, I often find that people

are judged so quickly and we make decisions over whether we could or could not have a future with someone so instantly and it's almost like you you guys wouldn't have been together if it was just based on that initially or that issue and then like you're saying like you can see the greater reason for you come together you can see the abundant life that you've been empowered to live for yourself through both of you coming together. And it's incredible to think it wouldn't have happened because of an initial judgment. And one of the parts I love is where you talk about this.

So it says that your husband said for years that you wouldn't take your wedding ring off, even after he did you with an upgrade. And I quote, that's Alicia for you, Less is more. And so it seems like you're still, you've still stayed to that, like Less is still more for you, but you've been able to appreciate more,

right? That's that's kind of what I'm hearing. Yeah, I'm still who I am. Yeah. And I am, I am a person that does prefer simplicity, I realize, you know, it just feels better for me. But I also have learned to appreciate and within that simplicity to find that that that the simplicity doesn't mean I have to want nothing for myself as well. You know, it's like a it's like a beautiful line, you know, but so yes, there's a much more I think of a much better balance. Although still at my heart, that's the type of girl woman that I am. I'm a quite simple person. I love that. One of the big things that I am, I'm a quite simple person. I love that.

One of the big things that you see in your life that shift is your experience in Egypt. And when you returned to New York from Egypt, your whole team noticed that you changed, you shifted, and you go on to say that you started using the single most powerful word, a pleaser can ever speak. And no, right? And I think so many of us today have a challenge with that word in so many areas of our life. Tell me what the experience was in Egypt that led to you getting that confidence. Because I think for a lot of us, it's just we're not giving ourselves the permission to say no

because we don't want to allow this down because we want to be seen as good people and caring people. Tell me about the importance of using that word and how it's changed things for you. Oh my gosh, so important. It's so important, man. And it's like, we just associate so much guilt with looking out for ourselves. And I don't know why we do this.

Like, well, we're so comfortable to make sure that we're doing all the best things and the right things for everybody else. For that, it feels like you're completely in the rightness. But when it comes to looking out for what's best for that, it feels like you're completely in the rightness, but when it comes to looking out for what's best for you, we are so guilt-ridden about it. And I think it's just, I am so finished and done with that. I just, I would really like to rewrite that whole story. It is whack.

And it's not real. And I don't know what it is. And I don't know who told it. And I don't know if it's like women, like really deal with this even more difficult, even men. I don't know I'm not a man. I can't speak for men. All I know is whoever he feels like how I feel in this place where we suddenly are racked with guilt when it has to do with protecting or taking care of yourself, I want to rewrite that narrative because it's just awful. And so, and it's totally counter-intuitive and counter-productive and it's just kind

of totally stupid. And I don't even use that word. I don't like that word, but in this case, relevant. It's relevant in this case. And so I think that trip to Egypt was definitely a really big, big marker in my journey to start to understand what it is that felt good for me and how to build things around me that makes it,

build things around me that feel right and feel good and be okay with the change that has to come naturally. Like nothing can just continue on forever and ever. It wouldn't even work. So that trip was a big part of me arriving to the place where I could finally start to say no. And that definitely took a long time and much, much more after that,

before I actually got the hang of it. And before I even understood why it was so valuable and so important. But I think I started to recognize just the things that were happening in my life that I needed to let go of. And that was the beginning of me recognizing this pleasing tendency

that I was carrying with me, that it was time to start shifting away from. Yeah, it's so powerful hearing you share that. I know a lot of people listening right now will get some strength from that because you're right, men and women and maybe women more, like struggle with saying no. And I think we struggle with our work, we struggle with our relationships, we struggle with it. In our families, there's so many places that we struggle with it our families, there's so many places that we struggle with it, that it's such an important skill and habit to learn and be able to become comfortable with ourselves and making that

space for ourselves. So I think you're going to give a lot of people a lot of strength hearing your talks you through and calling it stupid. I totally agree with that. You say that in life, we don't get what we are You say that in life, we don't get what we are, sorry, in life, we don't get what we are for. We get what we believe. And I thought that that's thing was so powerful

when I read it. I'm gonna read it again, guys, because it may sound like something you've heard before, but it's not, so listen to it carefully. In life, we don't get what we ask for we get what we believe and When I when I read that I just thought yeah, that's that's so true because there's such an asking movement and Manifesting movement and you know just asking for things from universe guys whatever whatever anyone has a belief in I'm intrigued by when you came to that

realization and then what you're believing right now. So how did you get to that realization and then what are you believing right now? Oh my gosh, how do you do that? We're going there to the Alicia. It's so good. It is so good. And man, how do you, I just, I just have seen so clearly and even up to quite recently, you know, that even I was, I was operating from these places that I didn't recognize my value. And I thought that that was humility. Wow. But I was wrong. And it's absolutely not humility to not recognize your value. It's issues with self-worth and it's issues with things

that we all have inside of us that we definitely have to pay attention to and think about and work on and practice all the time to this day, I have to practice saying, I deserve this, I am meant to have this special moment and I do not have to feel like, you know, I was doing this thing where I would, you know, say, I don't need that. Similar to that thing that I did when Carrie told me, why do you say, you know, my look, it was just a different version of it. It was like a more evolved version of it where I was not, I was saying, nah, I don't need

it to be too complicated. It is cool. I'm just simple. I just need it easy and I don't need much. Just a little this and a little that and I was I was telling the universe that I didn't need much. And there's a difference. Yes. difference between you know recognizing that your content and telling the universe you don't need much. Because once again, I was blocking off the blessings. I was blocking off my potential to reach a greater greatness. And I realized, man, look how blessed I am to have reached so many beautiful

plateaus and places and amazing spaces. And so I am struggling with the belief that I deserve more. And when I talk about deserving more, I'm not talking about financially deserving more, which I deserve that as well, by the way. And I really encourage us to not be afraid of financial success. I really do. I think that that's also another fallacy, that that's another narrative we've thought that somehow there's something to be ashamed of by achieving, you know, any number of things we might achieve. So I just, I just, so, but that's not what

I mean. What I mean is like the greatest visions that I have yet to vision for myself, the greatest visions I have yet to envision for the planet, the greatest contributions that I have yet to actualize. All these things, if I'm telling myself, I don't need much, how can I reach those unimaginable places? And so that's what I meant when I was saying that it's not the experience belief Because what you believe you deserve what you believe who you are

That's how you walk into a room and that's how you speak to that person and the words that you use to them that you feel you belong there with them or you don't. And we all belong there, you know, I don't just belong there, we all belong there. And in this highest greatest space that we have yet to imagine because it's that big, you may not even ever see it. And that's what see it. And that's what I want to feel. So I don't want to say any longer that I don't need much. I need the greatest version of myself

that I can possibly manifest so that I can be the greatest version of myself for the entire planet. And that is what we deserve. So well said, so beautiful, so powerful, so amazing to hear you say that. I can resonate with it so much because I talk so often about how I grew up in the rhetoric of,

I always had just enough, and I always had just enough and I always just enough. And it was all about just enough, which meant you never had enough because it was just enough, right? It was just and it ended up leading to so many challenges in so many areas of my life where you end up not realizing that there's a difference between selfishness, there's a difference between sufficiency, and then there's a difference with service. And that's what I'm hearing you say is like, selfishness is where you just want to look for yourself. Sufficiency is like, I've got enough. And then this service where it's like, I want more for the whole channel. I want to be able to give and serve and do bigger

and extend myself. So, I mean, Alicia, I could talk to you for hours. And I want to one day, I hope that we're getting together and just talk like this. But I know you've got a crazy schedule and I've been gifted with this time with you. So I've got to ask you, these are my final questions, which are just one word to one sentence answers. There are fast sections. So usually they're fast five, you have fast nine. So it's one word to one sentence maximum. No

more than that. I promise, Kamagi and the whole team, I will not digress. So here we go. You can discover your true essence by fill in the sentence. Shedding up. Okay, it was not expected now. We will have to unpack that when we talk next time. I, living your truth means. Living your truth means it makes you feel unbelievable, be good. We are all here too. Listen. I tell my younger self that you had it right all along.

Oh, nice. I love that. Okay, if you want, a daily habit of finding your way to your authentic self. A daily habit, you said? Yes. A meditation. Beautiful. When reflecting on your life up to now,

what are you most in awe of? Surviving. Beautiful. your life up to now, what are you most in awe of? Surviving. Beautiful. Okay. Last three questions. The one thing you want to give your children that you never received growing up. Access to their truth and their feelings.

Beautiful. If you could create a law that everyone in the world would follow, what would it be? That's a really damn good question. That's a good one. That's a good one. That you would have to get to know the person before you made a judgment about them. Oh, wow. So good. I think that's the best answer we've had on that one.

That's so good. I love that one. OK, last question. What was your biggest lesson in the last 12 months? My biggest lesson in the last 12 months, that I can 1,000% trust and stand on my own. That's beautiful. Alicia Keys, everyone, so grateful. I've been a huge fan and Follow of your music for so many years, but reading this book made me for even more in love with you I think the way you share it the way you describe the stories. I mean each setting is so vivid and

Taking us back through your whole life in such a vulnerable and more importantly intimate ways. So powerful. Everyone, more myself, genuinely, should please, please, please, please go and grab a copy of this book. I'm going to be sharing excerpts on my Instagram. I'm going to be posting a ton about it because I love biographies, memoirs, order biographies. And this one without a doubt is one of my favorites that I've read. It just, it goes so deep and it's so reflective and it's so beautiful. So please go and grab a copy of the book.

I'll be putting up the links in all of the podcast elements. Alicia, if there's anything I haven't let you share today or express, I want to give you the opportunity to do that because you've been so kind and so gracious and so open. Are you kidding me? This has been unbelievable. I'm reverberating. I feel so much light energy from this conversation. You've definitely given me life. Thank you for that. Thank you for lifting me up. Thank you so much for this really beautiful, intentional, powerful, exceptional conversation. I'm so honored to be a part of it and I'm so so so

blessed that we can connect to love and all this. So thank you and all my heart. This is really really fun. Thank you, Alicia. Look forward to meeting with you when we can. And again, I was just gonna finish with this. I listening to you talk, I really like my whole relationship with you. My whole life has been listening to your voice. So this wasn't actually that different. And when I was reading the book, I could actually hear you read it, which is pretty phenomenal.

So thank you again for this beautiful experience. And so grateful to you and the team. And so excited for everyone to read this book, or listen to this book if they listen to on the audio version. So thank you so much. Yes. You too, Jay.

You're the best. Have a great, great, great rest of your week at week and night and talk to you. Thank you, everyone, for listening. What I'd love for you to do is any insight, anything that Alicia said, that resonated, that connected with your hearts, that touched it. Share it on Instagram, share it on Twitter, share it on Facebook, tag us both in the post so that we can see what you're learning and what you're gaining. That was without a doubt one of the most deep and profound interviews that we've had. I'm so grateful to have coming on. So please show her lots of love,

go and grab a copy of the book and please go and share this podcast with so many people so that so many more people can find their trueest most authentic self and disconnect from the noise. Thank you so much for listening. Our 20s are often seen as this golden decade. Our time to be carefree, make mistakes, and figure out our lives. But what can psychology teach us about this time? I'm Gemma Speg, the host of the Psychology of Your 20s. Each week we take a deep dive into a unique aspect of our 20s, from career anxiety, mental health, heartbreak, money, and much more to explore the science behind our experiences. The Psychology of Your 20s hosted by me, Gemma Speg, listen now on the I Heart Radio app,

Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your podcasts. When my daughter ran off to hop trains, I was terrified I'd never see her again, so I followed her into the train yard. This is what it sounds like inside the box car. And into the city of the rails. There I found a surprising world, so brutal and beautiful that it changed me.

But the rails do that to everyone. There is another world out there. And if you want to play with the devil, you're going to find them there in the rail yard. Undenail Morton, come with me to find out what waits for us and the city of the rails. Listen to the city of the rails on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts.

Or, cityoftherails.com. I'm Dr. Romani and I am back with season 2 of my podcast, Navigating Narcissism. This season we dive deeper into highlighting red flags and spotting at narcissists before they spot you. Each week you'll hear stories from survivors who have navigated through toxic relationships, gaslighting, love bombing, and their process of healing. Listen to Navigating Narcissism on the I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your podcasts. or wherever you get your podcasts.