On Purpose with Jay Shetty - Are Men Less Attracted to Successful Women?

Episode Date: November 1, 2024

Have you ever felt like success affected your dating life? Have you ever felt judged for your level of ambition? Today, Jay addresses the insecurities some men may feel when partnered with highly driven women, shedding light on societal conditioning and personal growth. discusses how societal expectations traditionally placed men in provider roles, which can lead to an unease when faced with a partner who exemplifies drive and independence. Jay also delves into recent studies, such as the "Clooney Effect," showing that most men actually value intelligence and confidence in their partners. By examining these narratives, Jay dispels myths that successful women are inherently intimidating to men. Instead, he encourages ambitious women not to diminish their goals but to seek partners who celebrate and complement their journey. In this episode, you'll learn: How to embrace your ambition without guilt How to address insecurities in your relationship How to balance mutual respect and personal ambition How to seek partners who uplift, not compete How to identify and avoid unhealthy relationship roles True partnership means valuing each other's journey, working through insecurities together, and building a foundation where both people can grow freely and authentically. With Love and Gratitude, Jay Shetty What We Discuss: 00:00 Intro 00:49 Are Men Less Attracted to Successful Women? 05:15 Men Have Had to Play the Protective Role 06:48 The Negative Dating Mindset You Should Stop Having 13:04 Have an Understanding of What Both are Pursuing 14:29 Are You Making Your Partner Feel Insecure? 18:29 What Makes You a Healthy Partner? 21:04 Respect Each Other’s AmbitionsSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Some men are less attracted to successful women because they've been told that they need to be more successful. So as soon as they meet someone who shows qualities that they don't have, motivation, discipline, drive, enthusiasm, they get worried. They get concerned. It's a reminder of their own inadequacy. It's an insecurity. their own inadequacy. It's an insecurity. And let's recognize that there are some men, are less attracted to successful driven women, and they're not the right person for you.

The number one health and wellness podcast. Jay Shetty. Jay Shetty. The one, the only Jay Shetty. Hey everyone, welcome back to On Purpose. It's your host Jay Shetty, and I am so grateful to be here with you right now. Thank you so much for tuning in. And today's question that we're reflecting on and asking

is are men less attracted to successful women? If you're ambitious and driven and dating, this episode is for you. If you have a friend who's single right now, who's been thinking about this question, this episode is for you. If you have a friend who's single right now, who's been thinking about this question, this episode is for you. And if you're someone who's maybe been in a relationship, maybe you're even divorced,

this episode could be for you. I think so many people are thinking about this topic right now. Not enough people are speaking about it outwardly and it's uncomfortable to actually dive into it. Like even when I was thinking about making this the episode, I was somewhat scared about it because I didn't want it to be misconstrued or misunderstood.

And so I want you to stay with me because I'm definitely going to be explaining why I thought it was important to ask this question. And the biggest reason why I think it's important to ask this question. And the biggest reason why I think it's important to ask this question is this is how some of the women in my life have been feeling. These are friends of mine who are dating right now, are single right now, are looking for love right now.

They're looking for a meaningful connection. And this conversation keeps coming up. Now I'm guessing you might have had this conversation with your friend. Maybe you've thought about it. Maybe you've even quizzed some of your male friends in your life about it. And the reason why I chose it for this week's topic is I was talking to a friend this week and she was saying she spoke to a couple of guys in the last month and she's young. She's ambitious. She's driven. She's very kind, very thoughtful.

And so it got me thinking. She said she met a guy her age who after going on a few dates, he was vulnerable enough to say to her that he was intimidated by her drive and would rather be with someone a little more chill. He actually said that he felt threatened that he didn't have that drive and may never have it even though she never expected it from him and never asked for it. Now, first of all, kudos to that man who was able to be that vulnerable. It takes a lot of courage to be that vulnerable, to put yourself out

there in that way, to admit that. And so I want to show respect for that, first of all. And the second thing I want to say is, maybe a lot of you have heard something like this for a while. Maybe you've had men say it to you, maybe you found out through a friend of a friend afterwards, maybe it's a thought that crossed your mind. Now, that was one guy that she spoke to. She then said that she

was at a dinner a couple of nights ago and she overheard a conversation someone was having with a successful founder. He was single and looking and when asked what he wanted, he said he wanted an ambitious homemaker. And she found both of these interactions in close proximity to be a bit deflating. So the young man that she was dating was around the same age as her. He was saying that she was too intimidating because of her drive. And then she was overhearing this other conversation where this very successful man was saying he wanted someone who was going to be a homemaker and didn't have their own drive.

And so it left her with the question, are men less attracted to successful or maybe even just driven women who want to create something. Now I want to point out that when we're looking at this, this for me, isn't about hating on men or hating on women or trying to make either one look bad. I think this conversation is about learning to understand why we are where we are, in what circumstances this is true or false, real or not,

and what do we do about it, right? I think a lot of conversations focus on like, oh, well, all men are bad and women don't do this, and it's like, I don't want to do that. What I want to do is have a really healthy, thoughtful, intelligent conversation around what's going on here. So the first thing we have to understand

is that some men are less attracted to successful women, and they're not your man. And the reason why this is a really important thing to talk about is that there may be some men whose ego is affected by a more driven successful woman. Now let's talk about why that is the case. I'm not saying it's a good thing and I'm not saying it's right, but why is that the case? The case is because traditionally, men have had to play that protective supporting role. They've been the one who's had to go out and put food on the table.

They've been the primary breadwinner of the family. So a lot of men are carrying around a pressure, an expectation of them that society has placed on them and then they're projecting it into this relationship. So it's not necessarily projected personally onto you, it's projected because that's how society has convinced us that we need to be. And so some men are less attracted to successful women because they've been told that they need to be more successful. So as soon as they meet someone who shows qualities

that they don't have, motivation, discipline, drive, enthusiasm, they get worried, they get concerned. It's a reminder of their own inadequacy. It's an insecurity. And if a man goes as far as admitting that to you, it's definitely not something to demean or put down and it's not something you have to date either. I'm not saying, you know, you should feel sorry for that person and date them. What I'm saying is let's look at why we're here, how we got there. And let's recognize that there are some men are less attracted to successful driven women

and they're not the right person for you. Now, it's important to note that the mindset men are less attracted to successful driven women is actually an unhealthy mindset. When we repeat an idea like that, we're repeating a negative, unhelpful thought, which leads to an unhealthy mindset, which makes us feel that there is no man for me that exists unless I diminish my drive,

unless I become less successful. And I would honestly say that when I look around, my friends who are in happy relationships today, they all wanted to be with smart, thoughtful women. And I think there is a difference between someone who's smart and smart and driven. There is a difference. And I would say that a lot of my friends

enjoy being with driven, ambitious women, and they're also driven, ambitious men. What I wanna encourage you to do here is that mindset of maybe this guy doesn't exist, maybe I need to slow down. Maybe I need to, you know, become different. Maybe I need to change. I don't think that's the case. And there was a great article by Jenna Birch in psychology today. And she talked about a study where after looking into the mating preferences of more than 5,000 men and women in a survey, an anthropologist

named Helen Fisher wrote that she saw something called the Clooney effect in America. Now this article was in 2018 and the research found that according to Fisher's numbers, men desire smart, strong, successful women and 87% of men said that they were data woman who was more intellectual than they were, who was better educated, and who made considerably more money than they did. While 86% said they were in search of a woman who was confident and self-assured.

So it's just really important to point that out that sometimes I think we develop these narratives based on our few data points. And we all have confirmation bias where we also have another friend who went through the same thing. And now all of us are saying the same thing. And guess what?

It makes us reduce our pool even more. We now go out looking for who's going to confirm that belief, right? That's what happens. We kind of look to who confirms our belief. Let me give you a really simple example about this. If you're thinking of getting a specific car that you really like,

you're now looking for other people to confirm that belief and say, oh my God, I really like that car too. So we're constantly looking for people to confirm our beliefs. And so we may surround ourselves with a group of people who all say men are just not attracted to successful, ambitious women. And we keep reaffirming that belief when the study shows the opposite.

And it's interesting, it's called the Clooney Effect. Of course, because George Clooney, with Amal who's extremely talented, smart, ambitious, thoughtful. And it's just an interesting thing that we often see these rumors or doubts we have spread faster than some of the statistics that come out for it. Now it is important to note because I thought it would be interesting to look at the facts of what's happening as well and when I was looking it up it said that back in 1970 only 11% of Americans 25 or older had bachelor's degrees. That number has gone up every decade to roughly 38% in 2021, according to the data from the Census

Bureau's current population survey. And the jump since 2010 has been especially sharp, this research said. And one of the big drivers has been that more women are completing their four-year degrees. And in the last decade, women surpassed men in college completion. So when you look at it from a college perspective, and I appreciate that college isn't the only way to show ambition or success,

there are plenty of people who are not going to college and doing exceptionally well but to use it as a marker, we're seeing that women are completing degrees more than men. In 2021, the census found that the number of women with degrees was about three points higher than the figure for men. So it was 39.1% for women compared to 36.6% for men. And the reason why that's so incredible is that back in 1970, about 8% of 25 plus women had bachelor's degrees and that was six points below where American men were at the time.

So the insane rise of women being educated and completing their degrees has had a huge impact very recently. And it's something that I think a lot of men are having to mentally catch up with. I think that's the point, right? It's like there's been consensus in society around roles, there's been a thought process around roles and all of those are being questioned, rightly so, all of those are being looked at and reevaluated, rightly so. But what's happening is that it's taking a while for people to catch up with that, for people to understand

that. To give you an example as to how far behind we are compared to where the education is, in 2022 female founded companies received 2% of all venture capital investment. Let me just say that again in 2022 female founded companies received only 2% of all venture capital VC investment. Female founded FemTech companies received 28% of venture capital funding compared with 38% for male founded Femtech companies. So the reason I'm talking about this is for us to realize how society has shifted maybe in narrative, maybe in us asking the right questions, maybe in us having the right thoughts,

but it hasn't yet shifted mentally, emotionally, and it hasn't yet shifted financially. And so when you look at that, we have to realize that when you're out there dating and you're finding some confirmation of the belief that men are less attracted to successful women, you may find it. Because there's all of these reasons as to why it's been set up that way. One thing that I think is really, really important to note, I think it's really important to be with someone who has the right balance between you don't want someone who's threatened by you. That doesn't lead to a healthy relationship. Maybe you saw the movie Fair Play last year on Netflix.

If you haven't, I recommend watching it. Showed what happens in a relationship with confused roles and competition and insecurity and where that leads. And I mean, it shows a very dark version of where that can lead to, but often those are the emotions that people are feeling inside. But at the same time,

you don't want someone who just wants to bask in your glory, right? It's a really interesting balance that you're looking for. You don't want someone who's like basking in your glory and just, you know, a groupie. And at the same time, you don't want someone who's threatened by it either. I think what we're all looking for is someone who allows us to be our best self, who appreciates us, who acknowledges it. But what that requires is both people to have an understanding of what they're both pursuing. In my book, Eight Rules of Love,

I have a dedicated chapter to this. And if you haven't read the book, you can grab a copy on Amazon or wherever you get books. I have a whole chapter dedicated to how to find your purpose and how to help your partner find their purpose at the same time. And one of the hardest parts about this is that when you start pursuing something and if it's not working and your partner is pursuing their thing and it's working, the natural feelings we have even towards someone we love is jealousy, envy, competition. Now you may say you don't have it and that's beautiful.

That's amazing if you don't have it. But I promise you a lot of people do. They feel insecure. They feel unsettled. And it comes all from us feeling like we want to do something great with our life. But maybe we don't have the tools. Maybe we don't have the motivation. And often what's really uncomfortable in that moment is your partner's dissatisfaction with you.

Your partner is saying to you like, oh my God, why aren't you doing it yet? Look what I did. Oh my gosh, you need to get up off your backside. I achieved more in a month than you have in your year. When your partner looks down on you, we've got to make sure that whatever gender we are, it's not really about what role we play, it's about how we make the other person feel. So we have to ask the question, are we making the other person feel more insecure, not by our greatness, but by how we make them feel about our greatness?

You can be great, and you can be be brilliant and you can either choose to inspire people with that or you can choose to discourage people with that. And if you have expectations and you're telling people that you're not happy with where they are or how much they've achieved. And I had a friend admit this to me a few months back where she said she was with a guy and she constantly reminded him how far behind he was to her. That of course is not an encouraging place to start from. And at the same time you can't be someone's parent, coaching them along the way, cheerleading them the whole way.

It's a really interesting balance. But I will say this, often the way we support our partner is different. You may support your partner in their career, they may support you mentally and emotionally. We may not support the person we love in the same area they support us. And that's okay. That's totally fine. For example, like,

Radhi came up to me when she was asking me questions about her book. And as I'd launched two books before she launched her first one, I had a lot to share. So in that area, Radhi's not helping me with my book. When it comes to setting the right tone, setting the right mood in the home,

setting the right energy, I let Radhe lead on that. So we have to understand that leadership comes in many different forms. Your partner may lead financially, but you may lead emotionally. Your partner may lead physically, are you taking lead emotionally. Your partner may lead physically. Are you taking care of the physical things in the home? But you may lead mentally. Are you making decisions? So I think it's really important to realize what leadership is and what you're looking for.

Sometimes people say to me, I want to be with someone really ambitious. And they're ambitious too. And I say, okay, well, do you know what that looks like? Because that isn't the person who's sitting front row at your event cheering you on. If you want to be with someone ambitious, chances are they're going to be on the road too. If you want to be with someone who's killing it

at their career, chances are there's going to be a lot of late nights. They're not always going to have loads of time for you. And neither of those is better or worse, but it's about being honest with what you want and what that means you attract. I think that it takes time for people to find their stability. And when you're making someone feel insecure, no matter how much you try to lift them up,

if they are not doing the work to lift themselves up, there's only so much you can do. And so as much as we can play that role, we can't take the responsibility to be the person that lifts someone up. We can be a supporter, we can be a cheerleader, we can't do the work for them. And I think sometimes some of us feel that if we do the work for them, they'll suddenly get it. But the truth is, we can't. And so we need to empower them, but we need to empower ourselves as well. And that can be the hardest part about all of this.

One of the things I want to say is that I found another interesting study. And it said that in this study of 105 men, the researchers gave two scenarios. The first scenario, they told men that a woman close by, who they never saw, either outperformed or underperformed them on an intelligence test.

And the men said that they would like the person who outperformed them on the test. But in the second round, men were told that they were about to meet a woman who did better than them on the test. And at that time, men chose not to meet that woman. So it's really interesting. Men said they were attracted to a smarter woman, but then when they were told that they

were about to meet them, that was a much more challenging scenario. That was a much more challenging thing for them. And so if you're with someone, or if you're dating someone and you see them, and you like them, and they're not as ambitious and driven as you, it's up for you to decide how important that is for you, but the qualities that this person has

and what they bring to a relationship. Remember, career ambition isn't all anyone brings to a relationship, male or female, whoever they may be. There's so much more we bring to a relationship. And career ambition doesn't define whether you have a successful relationship or not, or an unsuccessful one, right? It's almost disconnected from the actual success part. I think what I look for, what I encourage people to look for is,

what do you think is going to make someone a successful partner? What do you think is going to make people a healthy partner? If you focus on that, chances are the rest will figure itself out. One of the things that comes to mind as I'm talking about this with all of you, you're trying to find someone who's gonna be a partner. What a partner means is you support them on some things, they support you on others. What you don't wanna be is a parent and what you don't wanna be is a child.

You don't wanna be the child of the relationship where you're expecting someone else to parent you and build you up all the time. And you don't wanna be the parent in a relationship where the other person's a child. But a partnership means we're willing to help each other, we're willing to support each other. And I think it's important early on to figure out whether the threatening and the intimidation is something if you keep feeling that, you also have to ask yourself, am I attracting

the right man? Am I am I working towards the right person beyond beyond whether it's a male or a female as well? I want to end on this last point, and it's this, we should respect our partner's ambitions. They should respect ours, and we should be excited to watch each other grow. This requires such a high level of maturity, because when you actually say, I want to watch you grow, that means you're okay with however they grow.

And most often we want people to grow the way we want them to grow. And so a successful relationship requires a flexibility and adaptability and openness to who that person wants to become. And that's very unsettling for most people. For most people we want certainty, we want clarity, we want ease, we want comfort. And a real healthy long-term relationship evolves far more than that. We want certainty, we want clarity, we want ease, we want comfort. And a real healthy long-term relationship evolves far more than that.

And so I think it's important to remember that, first of all, don't make career ambition the only thing you look for in a relationship. Don't make it your sole identity either. Look for traits that make people a healthy partner. And ultimately recognize that growing together, being tolerant of each other in some areas as long as it's not hurting you, is part of any healthy relationship and building something special together. Thanks so much for listening to this episode. I hope it helped you rethink this idea and I hope that it helps you have healthier conversations with the people you know and love. Remember this, I'm forever in your corner and I'm always rooting for you.

If you loved this episode, you'll love my interview with Dr. Gabor Matej on understanding your trauma and how to heal emotional wounds to start moving on from the past. Everything in nature grows only where it's vulnerable. So a tree doesn't grow where it's hard and thick, does it? It grows where it's soft and green and vulnerable.