On Purpose with Jay Shetty - Best Dating Advice For People In Their 30s (You're Not Behind)

Episode Date: March 21, 2025

Do you ever feel "behind" in dating? Do you value compatibility over chemistry? Dating in your 30s is a completely new experience—one that comes with unique challenges, fresh perspectives, and a deeper sense of self-awareness. Today, Jay unpacks the most common misconceptions about dating at this stage in life and shares empowering insights on how to navigate relationships with confidence and clarity. He begins by tackling the biggest myth that holds so many people back—the belief that they’re “too late” or “falling behind” in their search for love. Jay also explores the key differences between dating in your 20s versus your 30s. While your 20s are a period of self-discovery—figuring out deal-breakers, learning from mistakes, and often getting caught up in dating games—your 30s bring a new level of clarity and intention. No more ignoring red flags, no more prioritizing chemistry over compatibility, and no more settling for less than you deserve. Emotional maturity becomes the foundation of lasting relationships, and by your 30s, you’ve developed the wisdom and confidence to approach love in a way that truly aligns with your values. In this episode, you'll learn: How to Overcome the Fear of Being "Too Late" in Dating How to Stop Settling and Start Prioritizing What You Deserve How to Stop Playing Dating Games and Be Direct About What You Want How to Choose Peace Over Drama in Relationships How to Approach Dating in Your 30s with Confidence and Clarity No matter where you are on your dating journey, remember that you are not behind—you are exactly where you need to be. Your 30s are not a deadline; they are an opportunity to date with clarity, confidence, and purpose. With Love and Gratitude, Jay Shetty What We Discuss: 00:00 Intro 01:00 The Biggest Dating Myth 02:55 Why Your 30s Are Powerful 03:27 Society’s False Timelines 05:00 Emotional Maturity in Relationships 06:11 Lessons from Dating in Your 20s 08:41 No More Dating Games 10:27 Trusting Your Gut & Red Flags 14:47 Compatibility vs. Chemistry 15:20 Choosing Peace Over Drama 16:58 The Pain of Settling vs. Being Single 19:38 Healing After Breakups 22:22 Dating with Confidence in Your 30sSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hey everybody, what's up? This is Questlove and every year we do special programming in February for Black History Month. Now it's especially important this year as we gear up for some new conversations, so the team and I compiled some clips from the show that are worth revisiting. In part one of the celebration of Black History Month, we're listening Back to Moments with Chris Rock, Solange, Prodigy, Ben Varine, Jennifer Lewis, Angela Rye, and Gina Yashere. Listen to Questlove Supreme on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcast. I'm Kristin Davis, host of the podcast Are You a Charlotte? The incredible Cynthia Nixon joins me this week for a conversation filled with memories and stories I didn't even know.

Cynthia could have been Carrie? When I first read the script, they asked me to read for Carrie as I think they asked you to read for Carrie. Did you? I did. And they were like, yeah, not so much. You can't miss this. Listen to Are You a Charlotte on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your

podcasts. Calling all nine9ers, now streaming. It's the More Better podcast with two episodes of Brooklyn 9-9 Fun. Host Stephanie Beatriz and Melissa Fumero welcome former castmates Chelsea Peretti and Joe Lattrullio for one episode each to laugh and swap stories. Like, Andre would always be like,

trying something, they're like, do less. Do less. Yeah, we do less all the time. But then some of the biggest things were the biggest hits, like, try and step in there, like do less, do less. Yeah, I do less all the time. But then some of the biggest things were the biggest hits, like vindication, remember? Listen to more better with Stephanie and Melissa on the iHeart Radio app, Apple podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Hey everyone, it's Jay Shetty, and I'm thrilled to announce my podcast tour. For the first time ever, you can experience on purpose, in person. Join me in a city near you for meaningful, insightful conversations with surprise guests. It could be a celebrity, top wellness expert, or a CEO or business leader. We'll dive into experiences designed to experience growth, spark learning, and build real connections. I can't wait to meet you. There are a limited number of VIP experiences

for a private Q&A, intimate meditation and a meet and greet with photos. Tickets are on sale now. Head to jsheddy.me forward slash tour and get yours today. Dating is hard. Divorce is harder. Being with someone is hard, breaking up is harder. Being single is better than being with the wrong person.

Being single is better than settling for the wrong person. And being single is better than settling for less than you deserve. The number one health and wellness podcast. Jay Shetty. Jay Shetty. The one, the only Jay Shetty. Hey everyone, welcome back to On Purpose. I'm your host Jay Shetty and I am so grateful that you're back here for another episode.

Thank you so much for tuning in. And this is going to be an episode that you send to all your friends. Because I know so many people right now who are dating in their 30s, who are struggling because the mindset that I'm old, that it's too late, that it should have happened earlier, is the biggest block for them. The biggest thing blocking you back from dating and finding love in your 30s is that you think it's too late. You think it should have happened earlier, you think it should have happened in your 20s, you believe that for some reason, you're the last one. You're late to the party.

That somehow you missed something special that was meant to happen in your 20s. And I know a lot of people feel this way. That's why if you've ever felt this way, or your friends have, this episode is for you. If you've got a friend out there who's just gone through a tough breakup, send this episode to them. If you've got a friend out there who's just gone through a tough breakup, send this episode to them. If you've got a friend out there who's tired of online dating,

send this episode to them. If you've got a friend out there, or if it's even you, who's saying to themselves, or even if they're not saying it, that's the interesting thing, right? It's not that we're saying it, but we're thinking it. I'm too old. I miss something. saying it but we're thinking it. I'm too old. I missed something. It should have happened earlier. This episode is for you. The truth is, you're not behind.

The truth is, it's not too late. In fact, your 30s can be one of the most empowering, transformative times in your life when it comes to relationships. And today I'm going to walk you through some of the mistakes we made in our 20s that we don't do anymore so that we recognize why our 30s can be powerful. And by the way, some of the mistakes that we may be carrying through into our 30s that we can avoid. Before we begin, let's acknowledge something.

Society feeds us this narrative, this timeline, that you should be dating by a certain age, you should be married by a certain age, you should have had kids by a certain age. But we all know that that timeline isn't even necessary. We all work at different paces. We all find what's meaningful to us at different times. And the research actually backs it up.

According to a 2022 study by the Pew Research Center, the average age for first marriages has been steadily increasing. For men, it's now 30 years old, and for women, it's around 28. The study also found that nearly half of adults aged 18 to 44 in the US are single and the number of people getting married in their 30s and even 40s has risen significantly in the last few decades. So if you're in your 30s and still not married, it's not a red flag.

It's actually becoming more and more common. And research published by the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships in 2021 also highlights that people in their 30s are better equipped for successful long-term relationships. This is because by the time we reach this age, we're more self-aware, have a better understanding of what we want, and have more emotional maturity to navigate the complexities of romantic relationships. And that's a really big point there. There is no substitute for emotional maturity. Long-term relationships require one thing and one thing only.

Maturity. And you can't substitute that. You can't manufacture that in your 20s. There was also something else that I read that was fascinating. A study published by the National Bureau of Economic Research found that people who marry later in life are happier in their marriages. Specifically, couples who marry in their 30s report higher levels of satisfaction, less stress, and a stronger emotional connection.

What's the reason? They've had more time to figure out their needs and find a partner who's truly compatible. I'm sharing that with you because I think we underestimate, we truly underestimate the power of what our 30s has. And another study by the University of California, Berkeley, revealed that people who marry later tend to be healthier.

They report lower levels of depression and anxiety and have better overall wellbeing. So let's really reframe the idea that you're behind. Let's really reframe that thing that's stopping us from actually finding love at this moment in our life. In our 20s, we're figuring out who we are. In our 30s, we're being clear about who we want. You're still trying to figure out who you are in your 20s.

Your deal breakers, your red flags, your type, and whether you're into long-term or casual relationships. In your 30s, you know what you want. Whether it's a relationship, casual dating, or just being on your own. You've got your deal breakers locked in. You've spent time figuring out what you want because you've been through plenty of bad experiences. I think it's really interesting how, if you remember

one of the first people you had a long-term relationship with, they just felt like the right person. Not because you actually knew, but because you've just been with them for a long amount of time. And it's really interesting to me how the time bias creeps in. actually new, but because you've just been with them for a long amount of time. And it's really interesting to me how the time bias creeps in. If you've been with someone for a year and they're your first serious relationship, you assume they must be the one.

Whereas in your thirties, when you've been with someone for a year, even if it's feeling positive, there's a part of you that wants to build on that. There's a part of you that wants to be clear about what you want. In your twenties, even if you're not, you're going to find people who are playing games. The difference is in your thirties, you're playing it straight. Right? In your twenties, if someone was playing games with you, you had to kind of figure

out how to play games with them. Maybe you stayed up all night trying to decode every text, or maybe you wanted to make sure you didn't come on too strong or stay too distant. If someone played games with you, you had to find a way to play games back. Maybe you were even the one who started the games. But in your thirties, you're slowly getting that confidence to say what you mean. You're getting the confidence to be into someone and be honest with them. You'll also get the confidence to say, this isn't for me.

It's simpler. Right? In your 20s, you either shifted, you pivoted, you molded, you played along. This time it's game over. And I think that's a superpower. You've outgrown the dating games. You don't have time to waste on mixed signals or mind games. And that's a really thing to be really important to take into consideration.

In your 20s, people played games with you, so you had to learn to play the game. In your 30s, you play it straight, so it had to learn to play the game. In your thirties, you play it straight. So it's game over. There's no more room for games. Now in your thirties, you're still figuring out who you are, but I promise you, you're more clear on who you want. You're clearer because you know the mistakes you've made. And this may take a second to shift from self-discovery to self-assurance,

but I encourage you to do it. Reflect on the mistakes you make. Reflect on the bad decisions you made in your twenties. Take a moment to make a list of all the men you dated in your twenties that weren't right for you. Take a moment to reflect on the women you dated that weren't the one for you. Why did you make that mistake? What did you get misled by?

Was it their aura? Was it their charisma? Was it their talent? What was it about that person that distracted you away from your values? And that's the other thing. In your 30s, you have a stronger take on what your values are. You have a stronger understanding and commitment to what your values are because you know what

it feels like when you trade your values. You compromised your values in your 20s. You allowed yourself to be controlled in your 20s. You allowed someone to compare you to someone else in your 20s. You allowed someone to compare you to someone else in your 20s. In your 30s, you're committed to your new set of values. In your 30s, you're committed to not being controlled, to not being played with. There's a superpower in that and I don't want you to lose sight of it. In your 20s, you ignored red flags.

In your 30s, you're starting to trust your gut. In your 20s, you might ignore the little red flags. Or you tell yourself, you can change them later. In your 30s, you realize red flags are deal breakers. And if something feels off, you trust your gut and move faster. One of the biggest realizations in your 30s is you've learned the hard way that ignoring warning signs only wastes time. Trusting your instincts saves you drama. The big lesson here is in your 30s you've realized one thing.

People don't change for people. People don't change for people. People don't change for you. They change for themselves if they want to, when they want to. You can't change anyone else. You can't change someone. You can't change their priorities. You can't change their likes and dislikes. You can't change their priorities. You can't change their likes and dislikes. You can't change their focus. You can't change their ambition.

You can't change their drive. In your 20s you convinced yourself that you could change what that person aspired to be. That you could edit. You could mold. You could in some way inspire them to become different. In your 30s, you realize that that's a person. They're not a project. They're a person, not a project. They're a human, not someone that has to become a high performer because you want them to. And they're a person, not potential.

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It doesn't work that way. So you learn the hard way. You're not going to ignore those little red flags anymore. You're going to raise them early. It's not that you run away or distance yourself. You're conscious enough to make them a part of the conversation, to make them a part of the dialogue. You value talking about difficult things.

You value raising something, not worrying about whether it pushes someone away. Don't underestimate the power that you have in your thirties. In your twenties, you were chasing sparks. In your 30s, you were seeking stability. In your 20s, you were infatuated with chemistry. In your 30s, you were inspired by compatibility. In your 20s, you chased that intense, emotive, firework feeling. In your thirties, you realized that solid, stable communication and mutual respect is at the heart of a real connection.

It's really interesting when you go through that shift, right? You used to feel that you wanted this constant feeling of living on the edge. Oh my God, when are they going to message back? Oh my gosh, when are they going to reply? Oh my God, what shall I tell them? Oh my God, when are they going to turn up? Oh my gosh, what are they going to do? Like you lived in that conscious state of anxiety, of drama, of uncertainty.

And where did it get you? Left you heartbroken, left you lonely. In your thirties, you realise someone who messages on time, that's the kind of person I want to be with. In your 30s you realise someone who turns up on time, who shows up for me, yeah that's the kind of person I want to be with. In your 30s you recognise, oh yeah that person who checks in with me, oh I really like that.

I don't want someone who doesn't message back. I don't want someone who doesn't message back. I don't want someone who doesn't call to check in. I don't want someone who makes up excuses every time we were meant to do something. Sure, it felt exciting to pursue someone, to have the chase, to feel like they may or may not want you and figure that out. But in your thirties, you recognize, I want clarity. I want clarity over fake chemistry. I want spontaneity over a false spark.

It's not that it has to get boring, but you realize the value in peace over drama. In your 20s, you might even have pursued drama. In your 30s, you pursue peace and avoid trauma. You know what it feels like, you don't want to invite that back into your life. In your 20s you might have settled for comfort. Maybe you even stayed in a relationship for too long. In your 30s you're consciously holding out for the right fit. In your 20s, you might have settled, stayed somewhere for longer than you needed to, accepted less than you deserve because you were worried about being lonely. In your 30s, you recognise

that being alone is a part of life. And actually actually when you can feel comfortable in that discomfort, that's when you can truly find and attract someone into your life. In your 20s, you might settle for someone because they're good enough or because you don't wanna be alone. In your 30s, you don't settle. You're clear that you'd rather be single

than be in a relationship that doesn't feel right. You've figured out that being alone is better than be in a relationship that doesn't feel right. You've figured out that being alone is better than being in a relationship that doesn't meet your need. Right, for people who feel pain of being single, it's important to remember this. There's the pain of being single and the pain of being in the wrong relationship. And every time the pain of being in the wrong relationship is worse than the pain of being in the wrong relationship. And every time the pain of being in the wrong relationship is worse than the pain of being single. I know so many people who are married

but want to be divorced. I know so many people that are engaged but don't look forward to their wedding. I know so many people that have been married for years and don't know a way out. That is so much harder than trying to find the right person. It's so much harder than trying to ask the right questions. It's so much harder than being curious. Dating is hard, but divorce is harder. Right? Think about that for a second.

It's a lot harder. It's how the mind is always the grass is greener on the other side. And there's the famous quote that says, the grass isn't greener on the other side, the grass is greener where you water it. And that's the shift I want you to take into your thirties. The grass is greener where you water it. Water it here, water it into your thirties. The grass is greener where you water it. Water it here. Water it in your thirties. Stop thinking that your twenties were the best time to date.

Not only are they not coming back, you don't live there anymore. So we don't want to keep our minds somewhere that we can't go back to and somewhere that we don't live. Right? We can't even visit it again. It's not even like a vacation that you want to go back to because you had such a good time. Knowing that time is moving forward, don't focus on moving backwards.

Have you ever wished for a change but weren't sure how to make it? Maybe you feel stuck in a job or a place or a relationship. Join me, Emily Tish Sussman, over on She Pivots, where I explore the inspiring pivots of women, dig deeper into the personal reasons behind them, and leave you with the inspiration you need to make your next pivot. Every Wednesday, I sit down with women like Kamala Harris, Vanessa Hudgens, and armchair expert host Monica Padman. This March, we are continuing to uplift women in honor of Women's History Month

with episodes from powerhouse Governor Gretchen Whitmer. I fell in love with public policy and that's kind of when I pivoted. Then later we dive into the rise of women's sports to learn how leaders like sports investor Carolyn Tisch Blodgett and former Gotham FC champion turn coach Michelle Bados are shaping the industry. Come join us and listen to She Pivots on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. It was a moment that should have broken me, but just because of how I was raised and my bullishness and arrogance to want to be great hardened me.

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Wide Open, I'll sit down with trailblazers from sports, music, fashion, entertainment, and politics to explore their toughest moments and the incredible comebacks that followed. Listen to Wide Open with Ashlyn Harris, an iHeart women's sports production on the iHeart radio app, Apple podcast, or wherever you get your podcasts. Get emotional with me, Radhita Vlukya, in my new podcast, A Really Good Cry. We're going to talk about and go through all the things that are sometimes difficult to process alone. We're going to go over how to regulate your emotions, diving deep into holistic personal development and just building your mindset to have a happier, healthier life. We're gonna be talking with some of my best friends. I didn't know we were gonna go there! People that I admire. When we

say listen to your body, really tune in to what's going on. Authors of books that have changed my life. Now you're talking about sympathy, which is different than empathy, right? And basically have conversations that can help us get through this crazy thing we call life. I already believe in myself. I already see myself. And so when people give me an opportunity, I'm just like, oh, great, you see me too. We'll laugh together, we'll cry together and find a way through all of our emotions. Never forget, it's OK to cry as long as you make it a really good one. Listen to A Really Good Cry with Radhie Devlukia on the iHeartRadio app,

Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. Dating is hard. Divorce is harder. Being with someone is hard. Breaking up is harder. Being single is better than being with the wrong person. Being single is better than settling for the wrong person. And being single is better than settling for less than you deserve. In your 20s, every breakup feels like the

worst thing ever. In your 30s you've recognized that you can bounce back stronger. In your 20s a breakup can feel like the end of the world. In your 30s you waste less time wallowing, you focus on healing yourself, you recognize that it's more something you want to do for yourself than to get over someone else. In your 20s, you think healing is getting closure. In your 30s, you realize healing is building confidence. In your 20s, you feel healing requires an apology from them. In your 20s, you realize healing requires you to forgive yourself.

In your 20s, healing means trying to get over someone else. In your 30s, healing means doing it for yourself. It's a really powerful place to be because now every time you're healing, even if you are broken up with, even if you are mistreated, even if someone does take advantage of you, you're putting your energy and emphasis into yourself. You're using it as an investment in yourself, rather than an investment in someone else using brain power or brain energy elsewhere. In your 20s, you overthink every detail. In your 30s, you experience and enjoy the moment.

In your 20s, you might overanalyze every text, every date, every comment, wondering if they're the one. And in your thirties, you slow down a little. I want you to slow down a little, even if you are feeling pressure. I want you to take that pressure off. I want you to experience it for what it is. And maybe as you've been listening to me, you're thinking, Jay, I'm not doing that in my thirties. I'm still feeling the pressure.

Well, I want you to rise to this. In your 30s, you understand that relationships take time to unfold. You're cool with letting things develop naturally instead of rushing the process. This is how I want you to approach your 30s. Anything I might say, you might even say, Jay, I don't really relate to that. I'm probably making the same mistakes. Well, this is what I want you to aspire for.

This is what I want you to rise to because that's how you do the work. That's how you make a shift in your life. In your 20s, you were riding the highs. In your 30s, you keep things grounded. In your 20s, you might get swept away in the excitement of the honeymoon phase and let the little things slide. In your 30s, you of the honeymoon phase and let the little things slide.

In your 30s you know the honeymoon phase fades so you look for someone who can handle the lows as much as the highs. The best relationships are the ones that deal with the worst times in the best ways. Let me say that again. The best relationships are the ones that deal with the worst times in the best ways. The best relationships are not the ones with always having the best times,

having the best moments, having the best experiences. And in your 30s, you prepare for that. You prepare for that with your partner. You anticipate your first fight. You recognize how you handle disagreements. You think about it with that person. And if they don't want to think about that, then they're not your person.

In your 30s, if someone doesn't treat you well, you don't work harder, you move on. In your 20s, you would have shifted, changed, molded, transformed yourself to be liked, to be treated better. You would have worked harder to be treated better.

In your 30s, if you're not treated better, you don't work harder, you move on. In your 30s, if people take advantage of you, you realise it's their loss. In your 20s, if people took advantage of you, you let them continue to do it because you believed it was your loss if they left. In your 30s, if they don't like something about you, you don't change yourself. In your 20s, you would have shape shifted in order to make things work. The three things you need to be really attentive about

in your 30s is be better at noticing love bombing. If someone comes on fast, slow it down. If someone comes on too strong, focus on building real strength. Don't let yourself be gaslit more than once. We all make mistakes, we all get fooled once, don't get fooled twice. And remember, you are going to be a part of someone's healing and they're going to be a part of yours. Everyone's going to bring baggage in their 30s and so are you. You just want someone who's willing to help you unpack and let you unpack theirs.

That's what you need. I really hope that this has re-inspired you for dating in your 30s, made you recognize that all the experiences you've had, all the challenges you've had, all the pains you've had have actually given you the insight, the lessons to not make the same mistakes, but it's your job to slow down and really reflect and take it in. Remember, I'm always in your corner and forever rooting for you. Thanks for listening to On Purpose. you're going to love my conversation with Michelle Obama, where she opens up on how to stay with your partner when they're changing and the four check-ins you should be doing in your relationship.

We also talk about how to deal with relationships when they're under stress. If you're going through something right now with your partner or someone you're seeing, this is the episode for you. No wonder our kids are struggling. We have a new technology and we've just taken it in, hook, line and sinker.

And we have to be mindful for our kids. They'll just be thumbing through this stuff, you know, their minds never sleeping. I am Bob Pippman, Chairman and CEO of iHeart Media. I'm excited to share my podcast with you, Math and Magic, Stories from the Frontiers of Marketing. Make sure to check out my recent episode with legendary musician and philanthropist, Jewel. I didn't want a million dollars. I wanted a career. I wanted a way to figure out

how to do something that I loved for the rest of my life. Join me as we uncover innovations in data and analytics, the math, and the ever important creative spark, the magic. Listen to Math and Magic, stories from the frontiers of marketing on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcast. Mi gente hermosa, Wilmer Valderrama. Yo soy Freddy Rodriguez,

host of the new podcast Dos Amigos. In this series, we candidly reflect on our careers, life, art, and everything in between. And each episode emanates from our very own Speak Easy, and it features us talking about pivotal moments, hilarious agnitodes, and invaluable collaborations that helped us become who we are today. Listen to Dos Amigos Thursdays on the iHeartRadio app,

Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm so sick of hearing men talk about women's basketball. If only there were a professional WNBA player with her own podcast I could listen to. You rang? This is Lexi Brown. And Mariah Rose. And we've got a new podcast, Full Circle.

Every Wednesday, we're catching you up on what's going on in women's basketball. We've got you with analysis, inside stories, and a little bit of tea. Full Circle is an iHeart women's sports production in partnership with Deep Blue Sports and Entertainment. Listen to Full Circle on the iHeart Radio app, Apple podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.