On Purpose with Jay Shetty - Chelsea Handler: ON How Therapy Changed Her Life

Episode Date: April 8, 2019

If you’re on the fence about whether or not you can learn anything from therapy you’ll be interested to hear Chelsea open up about how it completely changed her life.She gets candid about losing her brother at such a young age and how she’s using tools she learned in therapy to cope with it now. Her vulnerability in this episode is inspiring for anyone who has had to deal with loss in their life. Just remember, I AM. Identification, Awareness, Modification.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

I'm Jay Shetty and on my podcast on purpose, I've had the honor to sit down with some of the most incredible hearts and minds on the planet. Oprah, Kobe Bryant, Kevin Hart, Louis Hamilton, and many, many more. On this podcast, you get to hear the raw real-life stories behind their journeys and the tools they used, the books they read, and the people that made a difference in their lives so that they can make a difference in hours. Listen to on purpose with Jay Shetty on the I Heart Radio app Apple podcast or wherever you get your podcasts. Join the journey soon. Getting better with money is a great goal for 2023. But how are you going to make it happen?

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in each bite-sized daily episode. Time management and productivity expert, Laura Vandercam, teaches you how to make the most of your time, both at work and at home. These are the practical suggestions you need to get more done with your day. Just as lifting weights keeps our bodies strong as we age, learning new skills is the mental equivalent of pumping iron. Listen to before breakfast on the iHeartRadio app or wherever you get your podcasts. All of these things that build up and you kind of have like, you know, I know I've had

the veneer like it doesn't matter, I'm cool with it. It does matter and it is a deep injury and until you really repair your own injuries, you're not very useful to other people. So if you want to have a meaningful existence or life and I want to do things that are impactful and make change, then I need to be real about it. Hello everyone. Welcome back to on purpose, the number one health podcast in the world. Thank you so much for being here.

I'm so excited to introduce you to our next guest. She's one of the leading figures in entertainment today. She's a talk show host, an activist, a comedian, and a best-selling author. And I'm so excited to introduce you and the podcast, Chelsea Handler. Chelsea, thank you so much for being here. Thank you. Thank you for having me. It's such a pleasure to have you here. I know we just connected, I think literally like 10 days ago. So you were speaking at this conference called Wisdom 2.0. You were also speaking. And I was there to do a bit of speaking too. And I remember this moment when I was being interviewed on stage,

and then I saw you in the front row and I was like, oh my god, it's Chelsea. I had a moment where I fangirled on stage. I'm not sure if it was obvious at all. And then I was really happy that I bumped into you later on at dinner time. And so when we spoke and we connected, I felt your energy was awesome. And I'm so glad you came out here. Thank you. That's very nice. Thanks. Yeah. I went with my sister with my because my psychiatrist, which I have to say all the time now, my psychiatrist, had referred me to that or asked me if I had any interest in speaking at the wisdom 2.0 conference in San Francisco's what we're talking about. And I was like, well, not really, but sure, that sounds interesting. And he's like, well, we could talk about us or you don't have to, you know, well, not really, but sure, that sounds interesting. And he's like, well, we could talk about us, or you don't have to, you know, I can't talk about us. I'm like, well, then let me, because my entire book is about my relationship with my psychiatrist

and my kind of, I hate the word journey because the Bachelor ruined that around 10 years ago. But like, for lack of a better term, my experience with therapy and what it did, you know, I didn't think I needed it and I didn't think I needed to calm down or slow down and then I did. So it's all about that. So he said, hey, why don't you come and talk about wisdom 2.0 and I was like, all right, well I may as well start promoting the book. You know what I mean? That's what you do. That's what the book is about. So sure, let me get out there. Yeah, and I found that really refreshing. And the book's called Life Will Be the Death of Me. It's out April 9th. So for anyone who's listening or watching right now,

it's probably past April 9th now, so you can go ahead and get the book. It's probably out by now. But that's what I love about the book. And when I saw you there, and I saw you, and wisdom 2.0, we're sharing that you were going to be there, I was just like, wow, I'm really fascinated by your story and journey. Like of a better word, two mindfulness, two meditation, two

personal growth and self awareness. So we're going to dive into that today. My audience is in love with this theme. And I think they're going to gain so much from hearing about it from your perspective, which I think is going to be really unique for them. So one of the first things I wanted to ask you about was around the quote that you start the book with from Gloria Steinem, and then you talk about this quote around how everyone's looking to find the right person, rather than trying to be the right person. And I wanted to ask you, why did you start the book with that quote?

And why was that so important to you as setting the tone? I think a lot of, you know, from my experience, a lot of my life has been about the end result rather than the being. It's about the doing and like the walking off the stage, not being on the stage. And I think that kind of transfers to people too. A lot of us are looking for someone to complete our lives. Or somebody to like, you know, be the lid for our pot.

So to speak. So for that theme is very important to me because I'm always been very like fiercely independent almost to the point where it's like, no, when I'm going to reject everyone, so nobody gets to reject me. And so I have that kind of opposite, like I can do everything, I can handle this, I don't need help from anyone. So I relate to that theme because it's the opposite of what I feel. So I relate to that theme because it's the opposite of what I feel. I have it in the opposite direction. I just, you know, it's too powerful, too strong, too, like, you know, I can fix everything.

And I don't need a man. I don't need you. I don't need a family. I don't need anything. So, I mean, I think those are themes that we all have. It's one or the other for most people, I think. Yeah. And when I was reading through your book, one thing I found is that it's so open and vulnerable and honest.

And one of the things that that remind me off is this beautiful, Banksy painting. I'm not sure if you've seen it. And it says, be with someone who makes you happy. And this little girl has crossed off the width. And then it turns it a be someone who makes you happy. And it's a beautiful principle. And I think starting with that is such a powerful point

and it's powerful message to everyone reading the book because you're so right that we've just never been taught to get to know ourselves. Like one of the things I always talk about is how we've never had a moment to take a meeting with ourselves even though we have meetings with everyone throughout the day. Yeah, I think that's important. I think you can kind of, you can lose the plot a little bit.

We're always into doing and what we're achieving instead of figuring out what kind of person we're behaving like while we're on that road, or to actually take the time and look outside your lane and look at other people's experiences and how they're unlike your own. Not many of us have the luxury to even do that. People are just trying to scrape by.

And so if I have the luxury to do it, I better do it. I better do that work. If I can afford to go see psychiatrists for a year, then yeah, I'm going to be a better human being at the end of it, which is what I kept telling myself, even though it was painful. And I don't want to talk about all these things that I didn't think had a real impact on my life.

I thought it was the past, and I'm strong, and I'm successful, so it doesn't matter. It doesn't, you know, if I'm in pain from a nine year old injury of my brother dying, if I'm in pain from, you know, my father's reaction of my brother dying, all of these things that build up and you kind of have like, you know, I know I've had the veneer like it doesn't matter. I'm cool with it. It does it does matter and it is a deep injury and until you really repair your own injuries, you're not very useful to other people. So if you want to have a meaningful existence or life, and I want to do things that are impactful

and make change, then I need to be real about it, you know? And so I had to get real with myself, which I thought I'd been being real forever. And then I was like, oh, gross, I have to unpeel this. Like, it was so, it's such a cliche also. Like me, you know, turning it 40 and having going my midlife crisis and all of this kind of identity, you know, kind of discovery what my identity is and my identity crisis. So it's all been like blah, blah, blah, blah. But I figure, you know what, I've made a career out of over sharing. This is something worthwhile because not

everybody can afford it. So we all are recovering from some injury we had, you know, as a child. But, you know, I have, there's a part of me that's very cynical and that's very much a realist. So I have a hard time with a lot of this LA Mamba Jumbo, and spirituality can stink of Mamba Jumbo a lot of the time. So you know, that's why I had a hard time with therapy because I thought it represented that. Oh, me, Naval Gazing, after I have a show and books about me, I'm going to go talk about myself for two hours, like what kind of loser am I?

So that's, you know, it was all about ego, like I can't, it's too much, you know what I mean? And I'm a narcissist. Yeah. And we all have different excuses, like you're sharing some of the ones you have. And I think we all have excuses, whether it's to see a therapist, a psychiatrist,

spirituality, whatever it is. And I want to dive into everything you just said, but I want to go back to what even opened you up to the fact that, like you're saying, you had all these excuses in your head, you had the ego, the narcissism, all of these things that you talk about deeply in the book, what allowed you to go beyond that and say,

okay, no, I really need to do this. And then stay committed because you say, when you first started meeting therapists and psychiatrists, you were just sitting there lying to people. And I'm not sure how many people like you go out there and paying people too light to them, which seems like a crazy thing to do. But how did you get beyond that last one,

then find someone that you could? Well, I interviewed him on my Netflix show. My last show on Netflix, I interviewed him about brain at a lesson brain development. And he was very smart and literal, and he spoke in ways that I could talk about the brain in a non-emotional way. So I took that as my invitation to discuss the brain with him.

So when I realized I had to go see somebody, it was after the election, and I just had such outrage. And my anger was out of 10 all the time. And I couldn't work. I couldn't focus on anything but the news and this 24-hour spin cycle that it created. And I just was like, oh my god, I have to harness this anger into something powerful and good, not this.

I can't be this way all the time. And they were like robbing me of my life, this administration, and I allowed them to. And I was like, no, no, no, I'm not doing this. So I went there for that, and what it realized, what I uncovered with through seeing this psychiatrist, because for the first three sessions, all I did was bitch and mow it about Donald Trump.

Like, I was paying somebody, you know, this money to listen to me complain about him. And I got a lot out of it. I mean, I would have paid him more. But after three sessions, like, we started to get real and started talking about what Donald Trump's, like, presidency represented to me, which was an unhinged childhood

when things were completely out of control. So for the first time in my adult life, things felt completely out of control. And it like reminded me of my brother going off and saying he was going to be right back and dying. Like, that was the other time my life was out of control. So that's why it triggered all this stuff on me. And so talking to somebody and having somebody who has a degree in, you know, psychiatry and, and, and other things, telling you, hey, this is, don't minimize an incident just because you weren't

raped or sexually assaulted, you have a right to be in pain. You lost your brother, that's painful. You probably haven't matured much beyond that emotionally when it comes to men at nine years, from nine years old. And I was like, no, that's exactly what's happening. I'm a nine year old when it comes to romance because my brother was like my crush. You know, I mean, he was the oldest, I was the youngest. And once somebody said that to me, I'm like, oh, my God, is it that obvious?

Like, that's how basic this all is. I answer, yes, it is. And if you don't, you know, ask questions like that or admit it to yourself, then you're just kind of masking pain. So I loved what you said there because it's almost like giving yourself permission to feel pain. Like a lot of us are masking ourselves from it or we're like, oh, that didn't matter.

Like, and for you, it was losing your brother, which you talk a lot about how we actually defined you and your family for a period of time before you went through this process where you were able to actually say, I'm not going to let that define me in. Right. I mean, I think I was being defined by loss. I was being defined by, oh, you know, as a nine-year-old, I didn't have the ability to understand them.

My brother didn't have a choice. He didn't go kill himself. Or to me, it felt like he left our family to go live with another family because he found somebody he liked better with a cooler little sister or whatever. I was, you know, I didn't understand that it was an accident. So I was mad at him and I was, I continue to be mad at people, you know, for any sort of vibe like that, which is, you know, what leads to not ever trusting men or being in a relationship and why I feel so like strongly about providing for myself so that I don't have to rely on another person.

How did you start revisiting these moments in a constructive way? When I hear you speak, it's like you're able to find the patterns, you're seeing the parallels, obviously thanks to your psychiatrist, you're able to see that this event could have sparked this. How does someone re-look at their life constructively, as opposed to destructively? Because it could feel like, I think the reason why we shun away from these things is because we're scared of diving back into a past experience and having to make sense of it. Yeah, I think, I mean, if it's really painful, you obviously need a professional,

because a lot of people aren't willing to, or capable, I think, or have the vocabulary to access your pain. You know what I mean? Something happens to you that was traumatic when you were a child. You don't have the vocabulary to articulate that pain, so that carries with you to adulthood. And as an adult, you still don't have the vocabulary, even though you do. So I think that, like, you just have to really know that, like, unwelcome thoughts are great things to explore.

You know, everyone talks about that with meditation to like, don't try and shut up a negative thought or a doubtful thought, but actually welcome it and consider it and go, oh, okay, this is here. Give it the airtime it needs, so that maybe when it leaves, it's gone for longer, rather than trying to tamp something away. So I think all of those things with regard to like memories

when you're growing up, it's just you have to believe in science and data and understand that going through these conversations with someone is going to be a helpful event for you most often unless you have some quack that doesn't give a shit about helping you. So I think most people are in this business because I want to help other people. So yeah, I think it's important to think about the memories you don't love. Don't obsess about them, but give them the respect that they deserve so that maybe you can sort them out.

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Navigating Narcissism. Narcissists are everywhere and their toxic behavior in words can cause serious harm to your mental health. In our first season, we heard from Eileen Charlotte, who was loved bomb by the Tinder Swindler. The worst part is that he can only be guilty for stealing the money from me, but he cannot be guilty for the mental part he did. And that's even way worse than the money he took.

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And it was because when I first started to meditate, it made me more aware of all the stuff I needed to deal with. And so all of this negativity was there, All of this other stuff was surfacing from my childhood, from my background. And so the video was all around that principle around, it's not like you're medicine, and you feel great straight away. No, I totally can relate to what you're saying,

because I said this to my doctor. I said, hey, listen, now that I'm meditating like 15 minutes a day, I mean, and this is hard for me. Like, I'm not into meditation the way I wanna be. I wanna get it because I know it's right, and it's going to help. And I've already seen small signs of it helping with my patients and, you know, setting an attention for the day and, you know, yada yada yada. But I think, like, when you do,

you know, I think sometimes when you're addressing the very issues you have, the opposite side of those things becomes louder than normal because you're now more aware of your behavior. So that gets, that didn't get a little bit louder and you're like, wait, I'm becoming, I'm doing all the right things. Why am I having doubtful thoughts? Why am I having negative thoughts? And you're like, because you're more aware and those past two. Yeah. So I can relate to that. Oh, good. I'm glad. I'm glad. I'm glad I've heard just me.

But it was that, yeah, the tradition that I studied as a monkey and would describe it as, when you try and clean a room, a dusty room, the first thing that happened is the dust comes up in your face. And if it was clouding, it doesn't feel comfortable. It's uncomfortable because you're trying to clean a place that hasn't been clean for a long time. Or hasn't been seen for a long time.

But I love what you talk about in the book. You talk about us building bubbles. And I like the way you describe that because I do think, and you've mentioned the LA bubble a bit already, but it's like, we live inside a bubble. And then we all think we don't, but everyone has their own bubble. And then we're living inside multiple bubbles.

Tell me about your experience when you started to recognize you're like, oh, wow, I'm in a bubble. And then how do I break this bubble? I think, again, with the election, it was like when all of this racist stuff was coming to a head, for me, I really thought that we had gotten somewhere.

Like I was naive, and that just was another example of the bubble I live in. You know, I couldn't believe it. And we all black people are like, it happens all the time. Like why are you guys surprised now? Like why are white people not better allies and advocates to people of color?

And that's what I spent my time doing last year reading books, you know, like James Baldwin and Tanecy Coates and or however you say his name, I always screw it up. But, you know, like really just thinking outside of my own experience, because clearly I'm part of some fucking lucky club Because I don't have to you know worry about what what I'm gonna do next even though I do

I you know I can pretty much do whatever I want and and you have to realize that's a rarefied Experience to have and I I just thought I deserved it for a really long time until I really started to be like okay You know scared about what was happening in the world and looking around. And I'm embarrassed that it took that long. I have so much respect and admiration for you for having to do that at that stage, like right now in your life, because I think it's wonderful that when I hear you speak, it's like I recognize the judgment you have on yourself and just like, yeah, I know how much you want to change.

And at the same time, I'm just like, Chelsea, no, thank you. Thank you for doing this, because I think that what it's showing is that it's never too late or too early, it's never like, oh, you're too far gone or you're not. It's not this process of like, I wish I learned this when I was a kid. It's like, no, I'm gonna take responsibility now,

and I'm going to change it now. And I think that's so refreshing. I think it's gonna help so many people. Thanks. So from my side, I'm genuinely just excited to see your journey be a catalyst for so many people to just push out of their own complacency, me included, and all of us to look beyond that. Well, that would be great. I mean, can you imagine?

I start a movement. I think you can. I believe in you. Embracing your grief. Is that what we're going to call it? I don't know. Can we come up with a short attack? I'll catch you on me. Embracing your grief, it doesn't sound like we're gonna call it? I don't know. Can we come up with a shorter title? I'll catch you on me.

Embracing your grief, it doesn't sound like an upper. No. I'll think of something. Yeah, we need some good marketing capital. Yeah, yeah. No, I mean it, and I'm not just saying it. When I see you talk about this story, when I see you shared this message, I get so excited and I'm

activated. Oh. Because there's so many people watching you that admire you for so many different talents that you have. And then when you say actually all of this, like this is giving its meaning, right? Like this is now giving it meaning. Yeah, yeah, I suppose so.

It's hard, you know, like to think of yourself in that way. So, you know, you just try. I'm doing it for you. Yeah, thank you, great, I'm glad you did, thank you. Yeah, and you talk about this book, Man's Search for Meaning, which I had on my bookshelf, so I picked it off for this session. You talk about this book changing your life. How did you even come across it and

how did it impact you? I read a lot of really hard books when I was in my 20s because I skipped college, so I was over-compensating in a major way because my family is, you know, they all did go to college. So I didn't want to be like the one that didn't go and not have my wits about me. So I read a ton, and that was just one of the books. I mean, that's a book that so many people have read and people quote from all the time. But it really just, it was an aha moment reading that line out of a book, which is something my dad told me to do at a very young age, like take one line out of every book,

even if you don't like it. And that, that you take with you in life, that you think about, you know what I mean and contemplate. And you know, when I was a kid, I was like, oh, please, just shut up. Like I would just make up lines, you know, out of Anna Karen andate. And you know, when I was a kid, I was like, please, just shut up. Like, I would just make up lines, you know, out of Anna Karenina. And I'm like, here, this line right here, but that book was the first book that I saw the line. And it was, you know, stop asking what life expects out of you and start asking, uh, no, stop asking what you expect out of life and start asking what life expects out of you.

Something along the way. Yes, yes, yes, yes. And I was like, wait, what? I was like, wait, what's life expecting for me? It's like you grow up and you think you want and you're greedy and you want this and you want success and you want money and you want happiness and all of whatever you want. And you're never, I never thought what is life expecting for me. I'm just like, they're lucky to have me.

I'm a blessing to the world. Right. And then no, that's not. Talk about, yeah. No, I'm just like, they're lucky to have me. It was my attitude. I'm a blessing to the world. Right. And then now that's. Talk about, yeah. No, I love that. And that is a beautiful piece of advice from your father. I think everyone who's listening or watching the podcast right now, make sure you do that.

Because I think so often we feel like, oh, I have to finish a book to understand it. And we play so much emphasis, like what you said at the beginning of the episode, you were talking about. It's always about results. And we're always like, how many books have you read? Well, did you get to the end of that book? And actually, you could just take one line out of every book. And it could be transformed.

The one book that I've never finished with Salman Rushdie, Midnight's Children, because I didn't understand where the man was or the boat. Or I didn't know what continent we were on. I was reading that. And I'm like, I can't finish it. And I had such like OCD about finishing books as a child growing up. That I always did finish it was the first book I did not finish with Simon Rochdy. I was like, I can't, I don't know what this is about and I cannot finish it. I mean Kierkegaard was easier to get

through. Oh wow. Yeah. No, and I've had plenty of books that I've never read front of, back to front, but I've found so much value in. Like it's not about that, I think. It's about taking, like I always think now, oh, if something's in front of me, like an article or somebody forwarding me something, like there's something in there for me. So just read it or watch the video for as long as you can

and try and just grab something from it, you know? Absolutely. So sometimes it's like really kind of people are putting stuff in front of you. It feels like, oh wait, you're supposed to see it, you know, and I'm not into that, all of that stuff. But I definitely think that their energy makes a big difference in this world.

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Listen to the art spot on the iHeart Video app Apple Podcast or wherever you listen to podcasts. And I'm really glad you said that because I love how in the book, and I share this with you because I'm born and raised in London. I grew up as a complete rebel until the time I was 18, most of it still lasted until 22 and I became a monk finally. But I started off in a very unspiritual environment was never fascinated by spirituality or anything of that sort.

I studied behavioral science at business school. So the brain and the mind for me is where I come alive and love talking about research and all the rest of it. But I love how you call out the superficial use of the word gratitude, universe, crystals for the sake of it, not offending anyone. But I like the point that you make very strongly that that's not really it. And I kind of feel like what service, what disservice do you think that does

to this wisdom that you've now opened up yourself? Because I guess you and others may have been pushed back by that kind of a way of... Yeah, I definitely have that. But I mean, that's LA. I think LA is very specific to, you know, it's not like, you know, people think that, yeah, it is a turn off in a way.

For me, it certainly was. It was a turn off for like therapy. I just group it all together, you know, people think that, yeah, it is a turn off in a way. For me, it certainly was. It was a turn off for like therapy. I just group it all together, you know, therapy, crystals, colonics, like, no thanks. I'm not into anything. Yeah, we had a crystal before you came in today. So, I mean, so like, I just don't, but I'm sure watch, catch me in two years.

I'll be like, you know, shopping crystals at my ass. But this is amazing. I love it. I mean, I definitely gone down the road of every trend and fat in LA. I mean, some a lot less than others. Which ones have you got in trouble? You know, I've tried.

I mean, I haven't gone off the deep end in the way that my girlfriend's have. But I've cleansed for five days or fasted for five days. I've done diets and all sorts of things. I mean, I guess I don't have the stick to itiveness that my friends do with this stuff, but yeah, I usually lose interest like two to three days in when it's like something silly or I'm drinking charcoal. Or, you know what I mean?

Like, yeah. That's for white and teeth. Is that what it is? No, I'm not sure. Oh, right. I think it's for a colonoscopy. So I have no idea why I'd be drinking it at home. But there's just a lot of things in,

you know, like healers, you know, that's a great thing, but it's not as big of a community as people make out to be. You know what I mean? There are real healers and then there are not real healers. And there are, you know, all sorts of varying degrees of bullshit in this town. So it's just important to make sure,

like you're not a moron. And how have you separated that? Like how have you gone through it? Because I think that's useful. Like what you're saying right now, I think so many people will agree with that, especially people who've come across the community, the tribe, the space, whatever it may be.

What's been your way of just calling out stuff and saying that's not real, that isn't what it's called. Well, I don't really call it out. I just, whether it works or not for you, is up to you. So, like, if I had a better attitude and a less cynical attitude, and I went to a psychic, and I wanted to believe all of it, then great.

I could live in that hubris for the next five days, and maybe it's real or not. But, like, I don't want to do that anymore. Like, that's not a good use of my time. I don't think that I need, you know what I mean? Like, I can, there are things that I find interesting, I don't call it out. I don't want to put people down for what they believe in.

I mean, unless they're ridiculous friends and I can just say it to them, which usually I try to do, but I try to do less of now. But I think that you just say, no, you're not into it. You know what I mean? My friend just opened a Korean spot and it's like, you gotta come, you gotta come, you gotta go buddy. I'm just not into getting my face, and my mean? Like, my friend just opened a Korean spot and it's like, you got to come, you got to come, you got to go buddy. I'm just starting to getting

my face, my body scrubbed by a bunch of women. Like, it's not my thing. I like massages, open up a massage spot and I'll come. Like, you just kind of say, no, when it's not personal, it's just my preference. Yeah. Now I'm really happy you came on this podcast because you could have just been like to me, no, I'm not coming on podcast. Yeah, I don't like, I don't like spiritual podcasts. Yeah, right. Right. But here I am. Well, here you are. So I feel better than your friend with the Korean spa. How did, tell me about some of you alluded to it then. What are some of the things that have changed? Habits wise, lifestyle wise, you just said there, I try and do it less.

Like being less reactive. My thing is I was always telling everybody the truth at Naus Yem, like whether they wanted it or not, you know, it didn't have to be solicited. And I just was like this loudmouth. And not finally, I was just like, who do I think I am? Like cool it. Why am I inserting myself and having these strong opinions based on very little knowledge? And so I think after one, plus I just got burned out with everything and working so hard and so fast without taking a look around and missing kind of those integral moments that you want to remember and have valuable time with.

So the things started, I'm rambling to answer your question. The things that have changed, while I meditate now, my doctor said commit to three months and so I've done it. And I'm like now in new it, like I do it every day. I do 15 minutes a day. Yeah, 15 minutes a day, which is big for me. It's amazing. I am less reactive.

I don't say what's at the top of my, you know, I don't. How have you stopped that one? Because that sounds high. I just, it's so much cooler to just sit back and not say anything when somebody, you know, you don't have to like correct people or tell them what's right.

It doesn't matter. Like just chill out. I take a lot of cannabis also just so you know, this is part of my program because it cut my drinking in half mostly. And then I realized the great benefits of that. So then I got all passionate about that and how it makes you more present and more mellow.

And for me, especially, it's great, a million. So that's changed a lot. I'm just more present, and I also don't, when someone sends me a text or an email that annoys me or I don't like, I don't ever respond now. I used to just be like, sitting there typing angrily on my phone, and it's like, it's not a hot look.

So just cool, and shit like cool it and relax. And that's my attitude towards everything now. So between the meditation, the cannabis, the therapy, I mean, I'm killing it. I love it. I love it. You're killing life. I love it.

No, that's great. It's awesome. We all know that life is made of other habits and what we break it down into. And you're only going to let go of bad ones when you take on new good ones. So it's nice to see that. And yes, 15 minutes is huge.

And it's also great to recognize when you feel like, you know, if I feel like I'm losing my patients, I know myself now. And I'm like, okay, either remove yourself from the situation or get your shit together. Like you're not going to snap at a person, you're not doing any of that, you know. So that's good. It makes you feel like an adult more, which is I feel like I've never had a boyfriend. I love that. Yeah, no, I completely agree with you. And we still all have our moments where we do snap

or we don't react the way we want to, et cetera. But it's a marathon, right? Or you leave your therapist and get down and, you know, to the parking lot and get into an argument with the guy who's parking your car. I mean, that's happened to me, right? I mean, like, you are such a fucking asshole.

Me, well, two seconds ago, I'm like, you know, meditating with my psychiatrist on my phone. And he's watching from the window and shaking his head. Yeah, but I said that, I remember telling him, I go, oh my God, you should have seen me. I go, I left there and just got in a fight with this guy in the parking lot. And he's like, well, at least you know you,

like, least you're identifying him now. He goes, you have two years ago, you would have done that without thinking twice about it. Like, next time, don't do it. Yeah. Yeah, we undervalue just identifying. Right? We undervalue that.

We undervalue that because we want to skip from doing something bad to never doing it again. Yeah. And the point in the middle is identification and recognition and acknowledgement of a mistake we're making. Yeah. And that's like such an important step. Yeah, I agree with that for sure. I think identification, awareness and modification is an acronym that my guide Dan taught me,

which is, you know, identifying the issue is half the battle. And then, you know, you're aware of it and then just modify it. Just don't react. Don't do the thing that you do every single time. Do something different. And then before you know it, that's your habit. And that's re-habituating yourself to like all the positive thing.

For sure. Identification, modification. No, come on, keep up. Identification, awareness, I am. Okay. Modification. Oh, I am, I like that. You're not ready.

I'm not ready, I'm not ready. Oh no, this is a good look. You're sounding like a psychiatrist now. We just told me you're not ready. What, I just crushed my self-esteem. What if it is for my career?'t know. This is a good look. You're sounding like a psychiatrist now. We just told me you're not ready. I just crushed myself. It's what a pivot for my career. I know. Now I'll be giving grief counseling therapy sessions

with absolutely no degree. But on TV. But on TV to reach more people. Exactly. It may work. It may not work. It's a televangelist. I love it.

And with this book, I mean, writing it must not have been easy, I feel. It wasn't hard. It was, I welcome that kind of like, I like a writing it must not have been easy, I feel. It wasn't hard. It was, I welcomed that kind of, like, I like a challenge. You like challenging yourself, right? Yeah, I was definitely in a lot of different parts of the world, crying in airports or on planes, writing it, and even rereading it, it still is like hard. Even when I did the audio recording, it was hard.

And so I'm doing this tour, and I'm going around the country to different cities. And I'm doing, instead of doing stand-up, I'm having a different celebrity in each part of the country interview me, somebody who's like Sean Hayes is doing Chicago, Natasha Leone is doing New York City, and so on and so forth. So yeah, and if you come to that, you get a book. Oh, nice, so it's live-dation.com,

you can buy tickets for that. It starts April 11th in Boston. Oh, I love that. That sounds fun. How many cities are you doing? 20? Oh, wow. so it's live nation.com you can buy tickets for that it starts April 11th in Boston. Oh, I love that That sounds fun. How many cities you doing 20. Oh wow. Yeah, okay brilliant That's really a lot of fun. So yeah wherever you are in the US you can head over are you doing anything in UK as well? No, not the UK Not yet. You have to you know ready No, I know already everyone in London England. You know, that would be a real wake-up call in London

I know can you imagine that? You think you're cynical. The cynicism in England is huge. Having grown up in London my whole life. The amount of cynicism around self growth, personal growth, personal development is huge. One of the things that I found refreshing when I moved to New York two and a half years ago now, and then when I moved to LA, where so many people would say, I'm just with my therapist the other day, I've never heard that in my life living in England. Like, that's a big cultural difference. Yeah, for sure. I have a British friend who lives here,

and she's like, oh my God, you know, she's like, everybody's all therapyed out here. Yeah, me, Ma, cut to, she'll be in therapy. Oh, she's not, yeah. She's not, yeah. She's not, oh no, she is. Oh, she is, okay, okay, she is. She is, yeah, it seems to be positive,

and it's about finding that right person. That's how I've always felt about it. That it's it's finding that right person. And then it just it's just waiting, I guess, till you feel you can be honest with someone. Yeah. Right. Until you keep lying. Okay. So one of the things I want to talk to you about that you bring up a lot in the book is this feeling of what empathy really is. And how so often we we think we're showing ourselves crying for other people, or feeling for other people, but really we're just doing it so that we can be seen that way. Well, some people, no, I mean, I don't speak for everybody,

but for me, I was sympathetic, but I lacked empathy. Like I was... Explain the difference for us. Sympathy is like, if you see somebody, a homeless person who needs money, you give it to them, but empathy is actually thinking about what it is like to be a homeless person asking for money, like putting yourself in that person's shoes.

So I'm great at showing up in a crisis and being like a fixer and doing all of that stuff, but I was never really considering what that person was going through. I wanna do the band-aid and fix them up and patch them up, but I want everything to be back to normal because I know how to fix about situation because of my brother dying.

So that led to me to never think of empathy. I had to ask what the distinction was as well. And so it's eye-opening. And once you identify again that you don't have something, or that's not your muscle that you've been using and you look out for it, then you're already, and you know what I mean? You're already so much better off.

You just have somebody tell you, I was so excited when he told me like these things that I was missing, I'm like, okay, great, where do I get it? Like do I buy it? Or like what, you know, and do I build it? And so that I buy it? Or like, you know, and, or do I, you know, build it? And so, that is great. What's great, the powerful, like, you know,

the power of the human mind, and how you can create stuff that you have a deficit in, so to speak. Yeah, I love how the book oscillates between playful and profound. And I was wondering how your, the comedian in you has transformed through this journey. Because I guess that's been such a strong part

of your identity for so long. Yeah, but yeah, yeah, I don't know. I mean, I, it's very funny. Yeah, no, it has to be for me, for readers. I wouldn't want to read a something and expect something from me that doesn't deliver on that front. I mean, it's gonna be much deeper

than people had probably expected. I think that too, play for a fan. But it's, yeah, I think it's, for me, I can't digest anything too serious. I need funny like a little bit, you know what I mean? And there's already been too much seriousness with this, with the election and politics. It's too much.

Like I needed to get away from all of that and focus on something that I'm going to do with my life and other people that, you know what I mean? Like I want to really do something and make a difference in a way. So it's about that. And yeah. Yeah, it is a challenge that we fill our lives speaking about, thinking about, and gossiping or talking about something that we don't like. It is funny how that just evolves so quickly. We like the negative. Yeah, we just find that every one of our conversations, every one of our meetings ends up being about what we don't like and hence we're not building or putting energy

into anything practical. Like you're saying you need to get away from it. I mean, that's one of the things, so a lot of people said to me, like with the videos I make online, like why do you think that's working or whatever in the last couple of years that I started making content.

And a lot of the feedback I think is because people want to move away from everything else that they see on social and everything that they see on the news. Yeah, yeah. They're looking for alternatives. Right, yeah, yeah. People want alternatives. I mean, there was just a stat that came out people want to move away from everything else that they see on social and everything that they see on the news. Yeah. They're looking for alternatives. Right. Yeah. Yeah.

People want alternatives. I mean, there was just a stat that came out about Alexandria, Ocasio or Tes getting more Twitter and all of her bench tweets are positive and they did some, you know, and saying that she's getting as much at more attention than Donald Trump for all the positivity. She's creating versus his negativity, which is good. Great. Let's go with that. Yeah. great, let's go with that. Yeah, yeah, let's go with that.

Absolutely, that was the article I was sharing as well, that Inc. did that piece on the 77 million Facebook posts of 2018 and the most popular ones were all positive. They were all uplifting, which are 500, were not full of the negativity. So it shows that there is a shift in humanity, like we are changing as a whole, not just you, but your change is very...

Well, I don't think it's worth changing. I think people are inherently good or inherently bad and I think there's more good than there is bad. I mean, I'd like to think that, but I also think that it's just more exposed now because we have the capacity to make these videos that you make, you know, so well. Like people have, they can spread little love

and the share of the love and they can spread the hate and they can share that too. So it's just a matter of which one has more people. So let's get everybody on the right side of it. Let's shift, so this book's gonna do it. No, yeah. Yeah, this should change everything. This should change everything. This book is gonna define no.

But it is hopeful, it is hopeful. Like, I don't know how you see it now. Like having gone through the process, I've got where are you at with how things are now and how's your viewpoint changed? Well, I think things are moving in the past with regard to the state of politics. I just think optimism is great because I think positivity is better than negativity and optimism and visualization of positive things works. I mean, like, it's just about like, which direction do you want to go in?

You know, which road do you want to go down? I'd rather be happy, you know, than pissed. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, I think for me, it's that feeling of being activated and energized to be a part of that change, to try and push forward, do something different, which I see, you know, and I know we're joking two seconds to go out of this book, changing the world, but it's still someone like yourself taking a stance

to say, I'm choosing this side, I'm going this way. And I think that's important. I think the more people that choose to do that with their platforms and everything, will help people move that way, because it's you verbalizing your choice to everyone, which you could have just made to yourself. What made you wanna do it forever and else?

What made you want to articulate this to other people? I think my just experience with my therapist, I thought I was taking time the year off and all I was doing was campaigning for people or throwing fundraisers in my house to try and flip at the house in 2018. So during that time, I was like, all right, I'll go to therapy while I'm doing it.

And then after a couple of months, I started writing stuff down. I'm like, wait a second. This could help people that can't afford to do this. This could help people who have that childhood pain that they can't unlock, and they don't know why they're failing at things in their life as a result of it.

Or why how it's, in fact, impeding them, they're growth. So then I started writing it and I was like, oh, this is really personal. Like no one's going to want to read this. It's too personal. It's like, you know, it's a bummer. It's like, you know, there's a lot of death in the book.

And then my editor just kept pushing me. She's like, I think you need to just write what's happening with you right now, like write it all. Like, I don't care if it's, I'm like, this is going to be a death book. Like, this is no one wants this. And she just kind of pushed me to do it. And then through it, I, like, right at all. Like, I don't care if it's, I'm like, this is gonna be a death book. Like, this is no one wants this. And she just kind of pushed me to do it. And then through it, I was like,

this is exactly what I should be writing about. Oh my God. And then I was like, oh wow, this is gonna be something, people can look to who don't, you know, who have the same feelings. Since I wrote it, then since I recorded the audio book, I've heard like two other people just in passing, people I didn't know, with the same identical stories as me.

So I can't even imagine how many people are out there. 100% and I think that's so true that when we put out a story, it tracks that community together. We have that same story and experience, which we think often that we're the only one who are having that experience, but it is shared. It is a shared experience. Yeah, it's shared, and that's where the strength comes in. You know what I mean? That's such an energy attraction because people are so into, you know, commiserating with other people and finding out that they're not alone. Like, no one is alone.

What you've experienced, someone else's experience. Such a powerful point. Yeah, so true. Never feel alone. Yeah, there are so many people going for the same thing. And I mean, the book does focus on, have a lot of death in it, but also you dedicate two chapters to your dogs. Oh, yeah. And I thought that three. I have three dog chapters. Three dog chapters.

Okay, three chapters in the end. Two, the brother and sister don't need to serve one chapter plus their assholes, so they don't get their own chapters. But the other two, yes, God rest their souls. They deserve to chump for sure, deserves his own chapter. Yeah, tell us about how much joy they've brought into your lives, how long have they been around? Oh, I have these two idiot dogs now.

They're like a brother and sister named Bernice and Bertrand. I did not name them. So obviously I went to, I like chow chow mixes. So I went to a shelter north of LA, like two hours north and she had a bunch of chow mixes. And then she's like, but I have a brother and sister named Burton Bernese. And I was like, I don't even need to see them.

Those are my dogs, bring them to me. And then she's like, oh, we have to do a home inspection. And I thought, what? Oh, I do. You don't really, but I thought, I would let you go through my taxes with a forensic accountant. If a man I could have these two dogs named Burton Bernice living at my house,

they're like little lions. And he's a big fat baby and she's a big fat, she's a big fat bitch. So I'm happy, yeah, they're very challenging. They love my cleaning lady, they don't want to be alone with me. Oh wow. Unless I'm in a car and then they'll go anywhere with me.

So that's how I have to lure them. It's been a real bait and switch operation at my house. Oh, amazing. And my brother or my nephew moved in and he's got an Australian shepherd. So we have three dogs now. Wow. Yeah.

Do you think they're any, do you have any thoughts on dogs' positivity? Yeah, well, they're positive for sure. Good friends. Yeah, I mean, I like people that like dogs. Right. Nice. Nice. I like little dogs like dogs right nice nice I like

little dogs I it took me a while because growing up in an Indian household the closest thing you have to a pet is a fish which I don't think really counts and then I'm gonna move to the US and I had so many friends who had dogs I was like okay now I'm gonna figure out which types of dogs I like I like small dogs yeah that's kind of what's good that you know that yeah I know that I'm self-aware I'm I'm identifying identifying awareness and the modification. I'm going to remember that now. I am.

I really like that. So now that I've met you at Wisdom 2.0, which I believe is a wonderful conference, it was such a pleasure to meet there and speak there. I'm excited to see you be in those places, but also in the places that you are where you do have your presence already, sharing this message. I'm so excited for the book to be out. We're recording this a bit before the book's out,. I'm so excited for the book to be out.

We're recording this a bit before the book's out, but I'm so excited for the book to be out. I'm so excited to see how it helps and affects and supports so many people, and I'll be cheering on meditating from the sidelines for its success. Oh, thank you. And for it to meet a lot of people. Is there anything Chelsea, I always ask you to do? Is there anything I haven't let you share or you feel like I'm missed or you're like,

Jerry, you didn't let me share this. I really missed it. Now I feel like I've shared. I feel like we're good, right? Amazing, awesome. Yeah, no, so do I. I think you shared beautifully. Thank you so much for being open, vulnerable,

and sharing so beautifully on the podcast. Thank you, some of you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much for listening through to the end of that episode. I hope you're going to share this all across social media. Let people know that you're subscribed to on purpose.

Let me know. Post it. Tell me what a difference it's making in your life. I would love to see your thoughts. I can't wait for this incredibly conscious community we're creating of purposeful people. You're now a part of the tribe, a part of the squad. Thank you for being here. I can't wait to share the next episode with you. you Hey, Stevy Brown, host of the Deeply Well Podcast, where we hold conscious conversations with leaders and radical healers and wellness, around topics that are meant to expand and support you on your wellbeing journey. Deeply well is your soft place to land, to work on yourself

without judgment, to heal, to learn, to grow, to become who you deserve to be. Deeply well with Debbie Brown is available now on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Namaste. I'm Eva Lungoria. And I'm Maite Gomesrajoin. We're so excited to introduce you to our new podcast. Hungry for History! On every episode, we're exploring some of our favorite dishes, ingredients, beverages

from our Mexican culture. We'll share personal memories and family stories, decode culinary customs, and even provide a recipe or two for you to try at home. Listen to Hungry for History on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I am Yom LaVanzant and I'll be your host for The R Spot. Each week listeners will call me live to discuss their relationship issues. Nothing will tear a relationship down faster than two people with no vision. Does y'all are just flopping around like fish out of water? Mommy, daddy, your ex, I'll be talking about those things and so much more.

Check out the R-Spot on the iHeart video app Apple Podcast or wherever you listen to podcasts. Yes.