On Purpose with Jay Shetty - Do You Compare Yourself or Your Relationship to Others? 5 Surprising Ways to Stop Letting Comparison Steal Your Happiness

Episode Date: June 14, 2024

Do you compare your relationship to others? How can you identify and manage your triggers for comparison? Today, Jay introduces the concept of social comparison theory, explaining the differences between upward - where we compare ourselves to those we perceive as better off, can lead to feelings of inadequacy if done with envy rather than a mindset of learning, and downward comparisons which involves comparing ourselves to those worse off, which can provide a temporary boost in self-esteem but is ultimately unproductive and unkind. He shares practical strategies for reducing comparison, such as being mindful of social media usage, identifying personal triggers, and investing in self-improvement. Jay also stresses the importance of understanding the deeper, often hidden aspects of people's lives and why we usually compare our internal struggles with others' external successes, leading to a distorted and unfair self-assessment. In the episode, you'll learn: How to identify your goals How to set mutual goals How to be mindful of your triggers How to invest in self-improvement By seeking deeper connections and understanding the full context of others' lives, we can develop more empathy and reduce the impulse to compare and shift our focus from external comparisons to internal growth and relational strength, ultimately leading to a more fulfilling and authentic life. With Love and Gratitude, Jay Shetty What We Discuss: 00:00 Intro 01:28 Comparing Ourselves to Other People 04:32 Social Media Makes Unhealthy Comparison 05:27 The Two Social Comparison Theory 12:53 Everyone Has Different Values 14:26 Focus More on the Good You’re Doing 16:11 Focus on What It Take For You to Get There 17:39 Get to Know People Deeply 19:33 Be Conscious of Your Own TriggersSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Bring a little optimism into your life with The Bright Side, a new kind of daily podcast from Hello Sunshine, hosted by me, Danielle Robay. And me, Simone Boyce. Every weekday, we're bringing you conversations about culture, the latest trends, inspiration, and so much more. I am so excited about this podcast, The Bright Side. You guys are giving people a chance to shine a light on their lives, shine a light on a little advice that they want to share. Listen to The Bright Side on America's number one podcast network, iHeart. Open your free iHeart app and search The Bright Side. Discover a new educational and interactive podcast, Stories for Kids, by Lingo Kids. Our episodes are packed with fun activities, right Elliot? Oh yes! We went shape hunting around the block and we found spheres and cubes on the street. That was great fun.

Join Stories for Kids, the Lingo Kids podcast, inspiring you to learn while having fun. Listen to Stories for Kids on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, everyone. This is Molly and Matt, and we're the hosts of Grown Up Stuff How To Adult, a podcast from Ruby Studio and iHeart Podcasts. It's a show dedicated to helping you figure out the trickiest parts of adulting. Like how to start planning for retirement, creating a healthy skincare routine, understanding

when and how much to tip someone, and so much more. Let's learn about all of it and then some. Listen to Grown Up Stuff How to Adult on America's number one podcast network, iHeart. Open your free iHeart app and search Grown Up Stuff. Grown Up Stuff. I find that we spend more time comparing ourselves to others when we don't have our own goals. If you're watching a comedy movie

and your goal is to laugh, you're not going to compare the comedy movie to a horror movie because you knew what you wanted. Whereas if you didn't know what you wanted and you turned up at the theaters, you'd be going, well, should we go see a comedy movie or do we go see a horror movie? Oh, but I don't like that actor and I don't like that actress. And you're making it based on no direction.

The number one health and wellness podcast. Jay Shetty. Jay Shetty. The one, podcast. Jay Shetty. Jay Shetty. The one, the only Jay Shetty. Hey everyone, welcome back to On Purpose, the place you come to listen, learn and grow. Whether you're walking your dog, whether you're driving to work or back, or whether you're cooking right now, thank you so much for tuning in to On Purpose. Thank you for your amazing reviews. Thank you for much for tuning in to On Purpose. Thank you for your amazing reviews.

Thank you for sharing the episodes. I love seeing what you're all posting on Instagram and TikTok. It's so fun to see how engaged you are with the content, the insights. We've had some amazing guests lately. I love how much love you showed the Charles Leclerc episode, the Anita episode. We've so many great experts coming up this month as well and we're just getting stronger, bigger, better, thanks to each and every one of you. I promise you I don't take you for granted, I'm so grateful for your love and

trust every single week. Now today I wanted to talk to you about this idea around comparison and I feel like a lot of us spend a lot of time comparing ourselves to other people's relationships. Now whether you're single this episode is for you or whether you're in a relationship this episode is for you. If you're single you may compare your love life to other people's dating love lives, to other people who are in relationships. And if you're in a relationship,

you might be comparing your relationship to other people's relationships. Think of White Lotus Season Two. If you didn't see it, I'm sorry, bad reference, but if you did see it, you remember this idea where you've got these couples comparing themselves to each other. You've got these couples comparing their partners to other people's partners. So what we find is that we often compare ourselves as a person to other people.

We compare our partner to other people and we compare our relationship to other people's relationships. So you may have heard something like oh well you know like I don't think they really get along like I don't think that they really have that much in common. Oh my gosh did you see those two people together they didn't look good for each other at all did they? Oh my gosh have you seen how much they argue? At least we don't argue that much, right? There's all these ways we're constantly comparing us, our partners and our relationships to other people.

Now, this may sound harmless and it may sound like not a big deal, but the studies actually show the opposite. A research study from over 10 years ago, so I can't even imagine how much this has scaled up now, showed that individuals who compare themselves to others are more likely to experience guilt, regret, and envy. Comparing ourselves to others makes us feel more guilty, more regretful, and more envious.

And the core reason for that is because when we compare ourselves to someone else, we're usually looking at what we don't have. We're usually looking at what we could be. We're usually looking at how we're behind, how we're late, how we're wrong, how we're not good enough. We're not good enough. We're not comparing with the idea of studying. We're not comparing with the idea of learning. We're not comparing with the idea of curiosity.

So comparing in and of itself doesn't need to be a negative thing. We don't need to shame or guilt ourselves for comparing ourselves. And I think society has done that sometimes where we feel that the act of comparison or the act of comparing ourselves to others is something that we should look down upon. But actually it can be useful, it can be helpful, it can be insightful in guiding you

towards your greatest self. Now, I wanna share a few more studies to really dive into this topic. One study revealed that 40% of women feel more unhappy about their relationship due to viewing other couples on social media. How many of you have ever saw someone getting proposed to, someone's engagement party, someone's bridal shower,

someone's wedding pictures and all of a sudden your blood is boiling. You're thinking to yourself like I wish that was me. Why can that be me? What's it about me? Right? We make it all about our deficiencies, our flaws, our fallibilities, our inadequacies. And that's why comparison can be so unhealthy, because what it does is it puts this spotlight on all of our weaknesses and everything we don't have, as opposed to focusing on what we can learn and how we can grow and what we could improve. Now, in psychology, there's something known as social comparison theory. And there are two types of social comparison. One's upward social comparison

and the other's downward social comparison. So upward comparison is when we compare ourselves with people we believe to be better than us. So these comparisons are often looking at how we could make more money, how we could look better, how we could appear better, how we could improve our status. And this tends to make us feel worse about ourselves because we do it from a position of envy.

Because we do it from a position of envy. Because we do it from a position of envy. Now the other type is downward social comparison. This is when we compare ourselves to others who are worse off than us. So we say things like, oh, well, at least I'm more educated. At least I work harder. At least I'm doing better than that person is.

Now it's natural for us to do both of these, but the upward comparison when we're comparing ourselves to people who we think are better, better looking, make more money, smarter, when we do that through envy rather than study, it makes us feel really down. Now, one of the most interesting things about this is we often do it to our partners behind closed doors.

So now, you may not say in front of someone else, but how many times have you looked at your partner and said oh yeah you know so-and-so did you know they just got promoted now you're not comparing or criticizing but you're passively making a point which almost really devalues the individual in front of you maybe you've said something like oh did you know so and so's partner, they just started their own company? Like how bold, how amazing is that? Now, even if you're saying that

as a genuinely true positive and you don't mean it as a dig or a diss to your partner, I promise you inside, even if outside they say to you, no, doesn't affect me at all. I promise you inside it's affecting their confidence and their self-worth. When you're saying things where you're pointing out amazing abilities, talents,

achievements in others, your partner often doesn't hear that from you. Your partner often doesn't get the accolades, doesn't get that respect. And you may say, oh, they know I love them. They know how special I think they are. They know how much I love them and how much I respect them. I promise you they don't. Most of the people I talk to when I'm coaching them, when I'm talking to people one-on-one behind the scenes,

most people are yearning for validation, for approval, to be seen, to be heard, to be understood, for someone to notice how genuine they are, how kind they are, how loving they are. Most people need that. And one of the reasons why we live in a world which repeats negativity why we live in a world which repeats negativity. It's because positivity isn't rewarded. If someone does something negative to us, we'll spend the next week amplifying it and broadcasting it. That person cut me off in traffic.

That person was so rude to me at work. We'll talk about it for days and days and days. But if someone does something good to us, we rarely tell everyone in the world saying, oh my gosh, did you know this person went out of their way? Did you know this person? They stood up for me. Like we don't tell the same stories about positive events and emotions. We tell deeper, darker stories about negative emotions

more frequently, more often, more deeply and more vividly with more description. Right, if someone swore at you or someone did something bad at the airport, like you're telling every detail, why am I sharing this? It's because often when we compare our partners to others, or even if we don't compare our partners, we talk about the qualities someone else that we know has. It can often make them feel less than. It can often make them feel worse.

All we have to do is switch shoes. And by the way, it's really easy for all of us to say, oh, this doesn't affect me. It's not a big deal, but we know deep down it can and it does. So when you're looking at upward social comparison or downward social comparison, generally downward social comparison in saying, oh yeah, we're doing better than them.

We're doing better for ourselves. That generally doesn't have as many a negative impact, although I don't recommend it because again, you're building your platform on someone else's misery. You're building your confidence on someone else's lack of competence. You're building your connection based on criticism,

which means if you're starting with a low bar and you're higher than it, it may not be the most inspiring or fulfilling way to think about it. An upward comparison, telling someone that you know someone who's more ambitious, telling someone you know someone who's better at gardening, telling someone you know someone who's better at handy work around the house, whatever it may be, actually takes away from your relationship. So what can we do? What do we do instead of compare

our partners and ourselves to others? Well, something we can do is choose to connect, compliment, and help people understand what qualities they do have. When we can see potential in our partners and remind them of that potential and help people understand what qualities they do have. When we can see potential in our partners and remind them of that potential without comparing them to other people, that spurs them forward, that pushes them forward. If you have a partner who's going through a tough time because they're building a company,

because they're trying to go after that promotion at work, because they're trying to figure it out. Noticing that is going to energize them more. No, no, wait, some of you are thinking, some of you are thinking, Jay, but my partner's lazy. My partner doesn't work hard enough. I want my partner to do better. I want my partner to work out more. I want my partner to do all of these things more.

The first question you have to ask yourself is, are you doing all of those things? I remember ever since I met Radhi, I've talked to you about this before, she was coaching me in health, well-being, diet, workouts, and what I found in the way she did it was that it was never out of judgment. I never felt guilty or shameful that I didn't do certain things. But I saw not only did she apply everything she said to me, she lived it, she was actually practicing it. She also was able to present it to me in a way that I could digest and understand it. So the question is, are you practicing what you preach? And are you able to present it without judgment, without guilt, without shame? Those are the two tests for you to figure out whether you're encouraging your partner or whether you're disempowering them.

Are you energizing them or are you de-energizing them? The other thing that I think a lot of people don't realize what we miss is that everyone has different values. So when we compare ourselves to another couple, it's because they may have a completely different value. Like, let's say you're thinking about how you spend money and you'd be like, oh my gosh, can you believe they spent that much money on that?

We would never do that. But maybe their value is traveling and your value is saving right now. They might be in a season of exploration and you're in a season of saving to put down a deposit on an apartment or a home or whatever it may be. Everyone can be in different seasons.

This is one of the reasons that I partnered up with match.com forward slash J and why I'm working with match to help people connect based on their values. I think what often happens is we don't know our own values and we don't recognize them deeply. And so what we're really comparing when we compare ourselves or our relationship to anyone else is values. That's why figuring out what your value is and what your partner's value is

is such an important way of figuring out the value of your relationship, the priorities of your relationship. And if you're looking for someone right now, you can go check out match.com forward slash J and you'll be able to connect with people based on similar values. You don't need the same values, but an awareness of values to have a

conversation, to have a connection is so important and so significant. Some of the ways in which we can switch away from comparing ourselves to other people's relationships is this. Let us sit down and realize what are our values and let's actually break down and do some thinking about what that person's value is. Now sometimes you'll even be right. Maybe some people don't value respect in their relationship and you do value it. And that's great to point out to yourselves. Look, this is a good thing that we're doing. But here's the trick. Focus more on the good you're doing than the bad someone else is doing.

Someone may highlight, someone's weaknesses may highlight your strengths. But use that as an opportunity to amplify your strengths, not talk more bad about them. Like let's say you go out on a double date and one of your friends, you feel like they don't have respectful communication. Now you can either sit there on your car journey home or when you get into bed and you're talking about,

gosh, can you believe how disrespectful they were and how bad they were? Or you could talk about how respectful you think your partner has been to you or how valuable they've been to you. And they can do the same back. And that kind of communication is actually strengthening your relationship. It's actually building deeper bonds with your partner as opposed to what happens when we just talk bad about other people. You don't want the success of your relationship to be based on the stress of others. You don't want the goodness of your relationship to be based on the poor performance of someone else.

Again, where are we setting the bar? What do we truly want from life? Another thing that I find when we're comparing ourselves to others is we make it often feel like it's impossible for us to reach there, for us to get there, rather than looking at what would it take, instead of asking the question, what would it take for us to get there. Rather than looking at what would it take, instead of asking the question, what would it take for us to get there? What would it take for us to build there? We talk about why theirs isn't working. When you find that bright spot to help you get through your day, it's powerful. That's

where the bright side comes in. A new daily podcast from Hello Sunshine that's bringing you a daily dose of joy. I'm Danielle Robay. And I'm Simone Boyce. Listen, both Danielle and I are reporters. We've covered the news and we know the world can feel heavy, but the Bright Side podcast is a space to have a little fun, to learn something new and get into some friendly debates.

That's right, join us five days a week to see how life can look from the bright side. We'll hear from celebrities, authors, experts, and listeners like you. Whether it's relationships, friend advice, or figuring out how to navigate life's transitions, we'll talk through it all together. Listen to the bright side from Hello Sunshine every weekday on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Hey everyone, this is Molly and Matt and we're the hosts of Grown Up Stuff How to Adult, a podcast from Ruby Studio and iHeart podcasts. It's a show dedicated to helping you figure out the trickiest parts of adulting. Like how to start planning for retirement, creating a healthy skincare routine, understanding when and how much to tip someone, and so much more. We're back with season two of the podcast, which means more opportunities to glow up

and become a more responsible and better adult one life lesson at a time. And let me just tell you, this show is just as much for us as it is for you. So let's figure this stuff out together. This season, we're going to talk about whether or not we're financially and emotionally ready for dog ownership. We're going to figure out the benefits of a high-yield savings account. And what exactly are the duties of being a member of the wedding party? All that plus so much more. Let's learn about all of it and then some. Listen to Grown Up Stuff How to Adult on the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Guess what, Mango? What's that, Will? So iHeart is giving us a whole minute to promote our podcast, Part Time Genius. I know. That's why I spent my whole week composing a haiku for the occasion. It's about my emotional journey in podcasting over the last seven years, and it's called Earthquake House. Mango, Mango, I'm going to cut you off right there. Why don't we just tell people about our show instead? Yeah, that's a better idea. So every week on Part-Time Genius, we feed our curiosity

by answering the world's most important questions. Things like, when did America start dialing 911? Is William Shatner's best acting work in Esperanto? Also, what happened to Esperanto? Plus, we cover questions like how Chinese is your Chinese food? How do dollar stores stay in business? And of course, is there an Illuminati of cheese? There absolutely is, and we are risking our lives by talking about it. But if you love mind-blowing facts, incredible history, and really bad jokes, make your brains happy and tune into Part-Time Genius. Listen to Part-Time Genius on the iHeart radio app

or wherever you get your podcasts. One tip that I wanna give you is, I find that we spend more time comparing ourselves to others when we don't have our own goals. If you as a relationship have a goal, you're gonna compare yourself to your goal, not to another relationship. Right? If you're watching a comedy movie and your goal is to laugh, you're not going to compare the comedy movie to a horror movie because you knew what you wanted.

Whereas if you didn't know what you wanted and you turned up at the theaters, you'll be going, well, should we go see a comedy movie or do we go see a horror movie? Oh, but I don't like that actor and I don't like that actress. And you're making it based on no direction. Whereas if you said, you know what? I just need to laugh today.

You know what? I'm in the mood for a thriller today. Now all of a sudden, you're not comparing as much to a random other movie with a random set of data. You're comparing it to what's important to you. You're comparing it to what's valuable to you. We talk a lot about internal and external in comparison. We always say, oh, you know, everyone's posting their highlight reel.

They're not posting what's real. And I think that's been a really important part of my work and career. I'm lucky to get to know people truthfully, deeply, really. And that's why I encourage you to be vulnerable with people and let them be vulnerable with you. Because if you're only ever seeing people's outsides, then the outsides will be perfect. It's when you know and get to know people deeper on the inside, where you get to realize what's really happening. Right, often we look at someone

we think their life is perfect. We think everything's going great for them. And then you talk to them and they tell you that they have a illness with a family member. They tell you that they've been struggling for the past six months with a personal thing. Right, we just have no idea. I've had so many guests on lately that

they may have been on the front cover of magazines, they may have been the top of the charts, but actually they were going through so much personal trauma. So get to know people deeply. If you only ever see people at a big party, you only ever see people at a big event, you walk away thinking they have a perfect life

and you don't. Why? Because you know your inside story and you only know their outside story. You can't compare someone's outside story to your inside story. You can't compare someone's external journey to your internal journey. someone's external journey to your internal journey. You can't compare what you see on someone's social media to what's happening inside your home. We often get those so mixed up and we get so misled

by believing that we're behind, we're wrong, we're the worst, everyone else is doing better. One of the ways I'm going to share with you is that I think it's really important to be aware of how you get triggered. Right? If there are things that trigger you and it's not the thing that's triggering you, the person is your perception, your interpretation of it. And it's okay to say, okay, I'm going to get off social media because that triggers me. You know what? I'm not going to go to that party because when I'm around that group of people and it's okay to say okay I'm gonna get off social media because that triggers me. You know what I'm not gonna go to that party because when I'm around that group of people and the way they talk that triggers me. You know I don't want to go to that event because

that triggers me and again you're not doing it going often what we do is all the people there are just so like materialistic all the people there are so right it becomes about them. No it's about us. Let's be really aware and conscious of what our triggers are. What are the things that make us feel uncomfortable? What are the things that put us in that place? And instead, let us find the habits that allow us to deepen our self-worth,

that allow us to develop our confidence. I find that for a lot of people, we're not building our competence and therefore our confidence doesn't grow. When was the last time you invested in your confidence? By investing in your competence. We get better when our skills get better. We get better when our habits get better. We get better when our mindset get better. We get better when our habits get better. We get better when our mindset get better. But if we're just trying to make sure our life looks better,

often we get so caught up in looking better that we miss out on doing better, being better, being more, doing more, taking action, being proactive. We often get so lost in trying to look a certain way that we miss out on the opportunity to be, grow, become a better way. Make an investment in yourself, make an investment in your relationship and it will automatically look better because it will actually be better. Thank you so much for listening to today.

I'm so grateful you tuned in. I appreciate you being here with me and I can't wait for you to come back and listen to another episode of On Purpose. Remember, I'm forever in your corner and I'm always rooting for you. If you loved this episode, you're going to love my conversation with Matthew Hussey on how to get over your ex and find true love in your relationships. People should be compassionate to themselves, but extend that compassion to your future self, because truly extending your compassion to your future self is doing something that gives him or her a shot at a happy and a peaceful life.

A new season of Bridgerton is here and with it, a new season of Bridgerton the Official Podcast. I'm your host, Gabby Collins. And this season, we are bringing fans even deeper into the ton. Watch season three of the Shondaland series on Netflix. Then fall in love all over again by listening to Bridgerton the Official Podcast on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Subscribe to catch a new episode every Thursday. Guess what, Will? What's that, Mango? I've been trying to write a promo for our podcast, Part-Time Genius, but even though we've done over 250 episodes, we don't really talk about murders or cults. I mean, we did just cover the Illuminati of cheese, so I feel like that makes us pretty

edgy. We also solve mysteries like how Chinese is your Chinese food, and how do dollar stores make money, and then of course, can you game a dog show? So what you're saying is everyone should be listening. Listen to Part-Time Genius on the iHeartRadio app or wherever you get your podcasts. This is the story of how a group of people brought music back to Afghanistan by creating their own version of American Idol. The joy they brought to the nation.

You're free completely. No one is there to destroy you. The danger they endured. They said my head should be cut off. I'm John Legend. Listen to Afghan Star on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.