On Purpose with Jay Shetty - Feeling Unsupported, Misunderstood, or Doubted? You Are Not Alone! (THIS 7-Step Method Will Help Silence the Self Doubt And Build REAL Confidence)

Episode Date: July 4, 2025

Has anyone ever doubted something you were excited about? Have you ever felt judged for trying something different? Today, Jay opens up about one of the most painful yet common experiences: feeling unsupported, unseen, or misunderstood by the people closest to us. He unpacks the psychology behind why others often don’t believe in us, highlighting the “false consensus effect” and the tendency for others to anchor us to who we used to be. But Jay reminds us this isn’t a flaw in our vision, it’s a sign that we’re ahead of the curve.  Jay also dives deep into how true confidence is built—not before we begin, but because we begin. He shares why strangers may become your strongest supporters, how to use resistance as a tool for growth, and why failing in public can be a powerful connector. From the competence-confidence loop to the importance of staying grounded in purpose rather than revenge, Jay outlines seven transformational shifts that can help anyone move from self-doubt to self-trust. In this episode, you'll learn: How to Keep Going When No One Believes in You How to Stop Seeking Approval How to Build Confidence Through Action How to Handle Unsupportive Friends and Family How to Prove Yourself Right Instead of Proving Others Wrong No matter where you are in your journey, whether you’re just starting out, stuck in the middle, or feeling like giving up, remember this: you don’t need everyone to believe in you. You just need to believe in yourself enough to take the next step. With Love and Gratitude, Jay Shetty Join over 750,000 people to receive my most transformative wisdom directly in your inbox every single week with my free newsletter. Subscribe here. What We Discuss: 00:00 Intro 01:50 #1: Stop Pitching, Start Proving 06:54 #2: Rejection is Often a Protection 11:59 #3: Use Doubt as a Focus Filter 16:33 #4: Strangers are More Likely to Support You 21:15 #5: Create Before You're Confident 25:20 #6: Make Failure Public Strategically 28:08 #7: Focus on Proving Yourself RightSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is an iHeart Podcast. I was dead for 11.5 minutes. In return. It's a miracle I was brought back. Alive Again, a podcast about the strength of the human spirit. Listen to Alive Again on the iHeart Radio app, Apple podcasts, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows. Hi, I'm Radhi Devlukya, and I am the host of a really good cry podcast. And I had the opportunity to talk to Davey Brown. With women, any kind of thing where there might be this underlying edge of self-sacrifice

as martyrdom, if you're never filling, you're telling yourself a story and you're actually avoiding what you should be doing. You got to get in, you got to get your hands dirty. Listen to A Really Good Cry on the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. The Made for This Mountain podcast exists to empower listeners to rise above their inner struggles and face the mountain in front of them. So during Mental Health Awareness Month, tune into the podcast, focus on your emotional well-being, and then climb that mountain. You will never be able to change or grow through the thing that you refuse to identify, the thing that you refuse to say, hey, this is my mountain.

This is the struggle. Listen to Made for This Mountain on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. People don't want perfect. They want authentic. People don't want flawless. They want vulnerable.

People don't want polished. They want real. People don't want polished, they want real. People don't want the highlight real, they want the human behind it. People don't want performance, they want presence. People don't want someone who has it all together, they want someone who's willing to figure it out. Because perfection may impress, but vulnerability connects. Hey everyone, it's Jay Shetty. Welcome back to On Purpose. Today's episode is all about what to do when no one believes in you or supports you.

The sad truth is I hear this wherever I am in the world. When I'm traveling, when I'm meeting people, when I'm connecting, one of the top things I hear is, Jay, the people around me don't believe in me. The people around me don't support me. The people around me don't encourage me. Actually, I'm scared that if I launch my company, if I start my podcast, if I write my book,

if I build my business, the people around me are going to tear it down before I even have the chance to build it up. And a lot of us are walking through life feeling alone. Maybe you've actually felt disconnected from your community. Maybe you felt isolated where you think, why does no one help me? Why does no one believe in me? Why does no one support me? If you've ever felt any of those things and you're struggling with that

self-belief, that self-doubt, this episode is for you. Here's the first thing I'm going to say. Stop seeking support. Start creating proof. The science says we experience a cognitive bias called the false consensus effect. We overestimate how much people will understand or agree with us. Here's why that's counterintuitive. We think we need validation before we act.

But in reality, people often believe in you after you prove the idea works, not before. Imagine this. You're at a party. You say something you think is obviously hilarious or smart or interesting. Crickets. No one laughs, no one's impressed, you're confused. You thought everyone would get the joke, because in your head it was obvious, it made sense,

it was obvious. It made sense. It was normal. That moment, that awkward silence, that's the false consensus effect in action. The false consensus effect is a cognitive bias where we assume that other people think the way we do because our opinions feel obvious, logical, even universal to us. In other words, if I believe this, most people probably do too. Spoiler, they don't and science proves it. The science says this term was coined by psychologists Lee Ross, David Green and Andrew House in the late 1970s. In one famous study, they gave people a tough moral choice,

then asked them to guess what others would choose. Every group believed their choice was the majority option. But when the results came in, the actual opinions were split. Nobody was as obviously right as they thought they were. Now, why does this matter? This buyer shows up everywhere, especially when you're building something new. You assume your idea is clearly brilliant, but others don't get it. You think people will obviously support you, but they don't.

You expect everyone to see what you see, but they're not in your head. The problem isn't your idea. It's that you overestimated how obvious it would be to someone who hasn't lived your experiences. Here's the takeaway. Just because it's clear to you doesn't mean it's clear to others. And that's not a flaw. It's a reminder. You're early.

You're unique. You're supposed to be misunderstood at first. Instead of expecting everyone to agree, get curious. Ask more. listen better, explain smarter, and when people don't get it, don't panic. That's not a red flag. That's the beginning of something original.

Try this today. Make something small and tangible that shows your idea works. A sample, a deck, a demo, a pilot, a mock-up. Stop pitching. Start proving. Don't try to convince people. Show them what they didn't expect to see. Don't try to impress people.

Show yourself you can do it. Don't explain your vision to people committed to small thinking. Protect your energy and prove it through action. Don't beg to be understood. Stay focused long enough to become undeniable. Don't wait to be believed in become the reason they rethink what's possible We have to stop We have to begin We have to get going People won't believe in you before you stop. They might not even believe in you after you stop

They might not even believe in you when you win and succeed. Just start. Just get going. Just move. If you wait for people to believe in you before you start, you could wait forever. If you wish people supported you before you start, you'll be wishing forever.

And if you want someone to think you're going to do something incredible before you start, you'll be wanting forever. Don't wish, want and wait your way into never moving. Make that change, make that shift and notice how your life changes. The second thing you have to understand is rejection is usually protection. Studies on psychological projection show that people often reject others' ideas because of their own fears, insecurities or limitations. This is surprising because their no may have nothing to do with your idea, your potential and everything to do with their past and their issues.

The reason someone says no to you is more likely that someone said no to them. The reason someone rejects your idea is because they rejected their own. The reason someone doesn't think you're going to make it is because they didn't have someone who believed in them. Their projection is not a prediction of your potential. It is simply a mirror of their past. Don't let someone's projection become a prediction for your future. You don't have to do that.

And recognize, maybe they wanted to quit their job at one point and they couldn't. Maybe they wanted to start an app at one point and they didn't. Maybe they had an idea and someone told them not to do it. They're simply reflecting what was projected onto them, onto you. We don't have to reflect it back. Try this today. Next time someone doubts you, don't internalize it. Ask yourself, is this about me or about what they've told themselves?

People will project their limits onto your vision. Don't let people break your dreams when they haven't even built theirs. Don't let people who haven't done it create doubts for you. Don't take feedback from someone living a life you don't want. Don't confuse loud opinions with lived experience. Don't take direction from someone who's never moved. They're not wrong or bad. They're just trying to protect you, but don't project that fear onto yourself.

A lot of the times when I've shared risks I wanted to take and had family members or friends tell me that it wasn't going to happen, I realized they just wanted me to be safe. I remember when I wanted to quit my career and potentially pursue some postgraduate study and everyone around me said, Jay, well, how will you pay your bills? How will you pay for your wedding? How will you take care of your future? Those were not signs that I shouldn't do it. Those were just reminders that they valued those things. They were showing me they valued security, they valued safety, and they valued stability.

And those are not bad values. People are not being mean. They're simply sharing what they care about. And it's your job to decide whether you care about those things or whether you don't. Sarah Blakely, the founder of Spanx, didn't tell her family about what she was building because she didn't want to hear that opinion. And that's something I'd encourage you to do as well.

Too many of us share our ideas with too many people. We want everyone to get around us. We want the validation and the approval. And what does that do? It does two things. The first is it opens you up to lots of feedback from people who don't understand that industry, understand that business or understand that area. You've opened yourself up to everyone's emotional baggage.

That was your choice. And the second thing is, whether they support you or not, you've taken energy away from the decision. I learned something really important when I was in the monastery. That if you share something before it's happened with someone who can't help you do it, you've taken away 50% of the energy from that idea because you have searched for validation and approval before you've even put in the work. Put in the work first. Don't look for approval before you've put in the work. Don't look for validation even after you've put in the work. Because chances are you won't get it both times.

Get it from yourself. Do the work to prove what you're capable of. Take on the challenge to show what's possible for you. Number three, use doubt as a focus filter. According to the challenge stress model, a certain amount of pressure and resistance can increase focus and drive. See, this is why it's counterintuitive. We think support makes us stronger, but actually resistance can

make us sharper. Use the no as a tool to clarify the yes. Try this today. List every reason people said your idea won't work and build solutions around them. Turn every criticism into a checklist. Doubt doesn't mean stop, it means refine. Doubt doesn't mean give up, it means redefine. Doubt doesn't mean this is the end, it means start again. Support doesn't always make you stronger. Sometimes resistance does. Support doesn't always make it easier. Resistance makes it sharper. Support feels good. Resistance shows you what you're made of. Support cheers you on. Resistance dares you to keep going without applause. Support says, I believe in you. Resistance says, prove builds your muscle.

Don't resent the resistance. Use it. Let it shape your focus. Sharpen your edge and remind you, if you can do it without the noise, you're ready for the stage. When we're waiting, and I see this happen to so many people when I travel and speak to them, we're waiting for the stage. We're waiting for the invite in order to be our best self.

Not realizing that when we become our best self, we get invited onto the stage. By the way, I remember this. I did the same thing to myself for years. I used to think, yes, when I get the opportunity, and then I realized, just take every opportunity. I remember speaking in rooms not much bigger than the one I'm in right now. Speaking to empty rooms, no one there, just four walls. And I would practice my speech as if it was full of a hundred people. And now when I have the fortune of being live at the Greek theatre

with 5,000 people, doing an event recently at the theatre at MSG with 5,000 of you as well, I often think back to that moment when there were zero to five people in a room. And the reason is because my enthusiasm and energy was pretty much the same. What I mean by that is if you're sad that only 10 people watched your video, switch it to 10 people watched my video. If you're sad that you got a hundred views, think about that for a second. When have you ever had a hundred people turn up to hear you speak? If you're not happy that you only have 10,000 followers, ask yourself, have you

ever even seen 10,000 people in one place show up for you? It's when we become grateful, thoughtful, and focused on the growth that we've already made, that we gain more energy for the next phase. When you're climbing a mountain, there's two important viewpoints. One is looking up and ahead and the other is looking down and behind. You look down to see how far you've come and you look up to see how far you have left to go. Both of those viewpoints are important. When you look down as to how far you've come, you get energy to move forward. And when you look at how far you have left to go, you feel

grounded and humbled by the challenge. If you only look up, you'll feel discouraged. And if you only look down, you'll feel arrogant. Ego and discouragement are two sides of the same coin. They'll keep you trapped and stuck and not help you move forward. What we actually want is humility and proof. Humility and proof become the best allies for a lifelong journey. This next part is so important.

But first, I just want to none other than Chaperone and Sasha Colby. And let me tell you, no topping is off limits, honey. We talk about the lovers, the haters, and the creator. I worked at Scooter's Coffee drive-thru kiosk. And you are from the Midwest. Mm-hmm. And in the Midwest, they told you, well, just be humble. Like, you've heard this countless times.

You too, right? Oh, yeah. It's you, well, just be humble. Like, you've heard this countless times. You too, right? Oh, yeah. It's very, like, big in Hawaii. Mine was, I think, wrapped up in, like, Christian Dells. Oh, yeah. We definitely had, like, some Jehovah's Witness guilt there. Yeah. Wait, were you Jehovah's Witness?

Yeah. So you were Jehovah's Witness? I grew up that, yeah. My family still has. Hey. Or no. Bye. Listen, she may have been working

the drive-through in 2020, but she's the name on everybody's lips now, honey. Listen to Outlaws with T.S. Madison on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts, honey. Have you ever thought about going voiceover? I'm Hope Woodard, a comedian, creator, and seeker of male validation. To most people, I'm the girl behind VoiceOver, the movement that exploded in 2024. VoiceOver is about understanding yourself outside of sex and relationships.

It's more than personal. It's political, it's societal, and at times, it's far from what I originally intended it to be. These days, I'm interested in expanding what it means to be voiceover, to make it customizable for anyone who feels the need to explore their relationship to relationships. I'm talking to a lot of people who will help us think about how we love each other. It's a very, very normal experience to have times where a relationship is prioritizing other parts of that relationship that are being naked together. How we love our family. I've spent a lifetime trying to get my mother to love me, but the price is too high.

And how we love ourselves. Singleness is not a waiting room. You are actually at the party right now. Let me hear it. Listen to VoiceOver on the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. A lot of times the big economic forces we hear about on the news show up in our lives in small ways. Three or four days a week I would buy two cups of banana pudding, but the price has gone up, so now I only buy one. The demand curve in action,

and that's just one of the things we'll be covering on everybody's business from Bloomberg Business Week. I'm Max Chafkin. And I'm Stacey Vanek-Smith. Every Friday, we will be diving into the biggest stories in business, taking a look at what's going on, why it matters and how it shows up in our everyday lives. With guests like Businessweek editor Brad Stone, sports reporter Randall Williams and consumer spending expert Amanda Mull will take you inside the boardrooms, the backrooms, even the signal chats that make our economy tick.

Hey, I want to learn about VeChain. I want to buy some blockchain or whatever it is that they're doing. So listen to everybody's business on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. Thanks for sticking with me. Let's get into it. Number four, build a belief battery from strangers. The Ben Franklin effect shows that when we engage with others in small reciprocal ways, trust builds faster even among strangers.

It's really surprising. Your biggest supporters might not be friends and family. In fact, research shows strangers are often more likely to champion new ideas because they're not attached to your past. This is Adam Grant's research. Imagine this, you post your new business idea, podcast or personal project online. You're nervous, vulnerable, hoping your friends and family will hype it up. Instead, silence.

No comment from your cousin, no re-share from your closest friend, not even a fire emoji from your roommate. Then, someone you've never met DMs you. This is exactly what I needed. Keep going. Why does that happen? Because here's the truth.

The people closest to you aren't always the ones most likely to support your growth. The people closest to you are not the most likely to believe in you. The people closest to you are not the first to cheer for you because it's the strangers, the others that you didn't know that actually are coming from a place of neutrality to remind you that what you're doing matters. Adam Grant, strangers are more likely to support new ideas than friends or family because they're not emotionally tied to your past. Here's the psychology behind it. Your inner circle knows your before. They've seen your doubts, your failed attempts, your unfinished drafts. So when you evolve, they subconsciously compare it to who you used to be.

It's called identity anchoring. They unconsciously anchor you to the version they're most familiar with. Oh, that's just Sarah. She always starts things but never follows through. Or they look at you and say, that's not like you. Or, since when are you a podcaster they don't mean to limit you but their memory of your past gets in the way of their belief in your future their memory of your past gets in the way of their belief in your future

but you don't have to let that stop you. There's an amazing scene in the movie, The Founder. If you've not seen it, it's the story of Ray Kroc and how he built McDonald's into the powerhouse that it is today. Now, whatever your thoughts are on McDonald's, it's an interesting story. He's sitting at a table at a member's club,

sharing his new business idea. That is the franchise model for McDonald's. And all of his friends have seen him get excited and enthusiastic about so many businesses and failed and they list them off. Ray knows this is different. He feels it's different, but he can't convince them. He has to show it. He has to prove it. He has to't convince them. He has to show it.

He has to prove it. He has to go and do it for them to come around. Meanwhile, strangers, they're re-meeting your present. They don't know how many times you've hesitated. They don't care about your high school GPA, your failed blog or your awkward first try. They see your work, your message, your energy as it is, not as it was. And that gives them the clarity to say, this deserves a shot. So here's the takeaway. Don't be discouraged when support doesn't come from the people

you expected. Be proud you showed up anyway. And remember, your audience might not come from your past. It's waiting in your future. So keep building. Let strangers become supporters. Let your results rewrite your story. And let the people who used to know you catch up. Because often, the people who will believe in your next chapter haven't met you yet.

So try this today. Find three people online doing what you want to do. Comment, share, message. Start building belief outside your circle. If your people don't see it yet, find the ones who already live it. Step number five, create before you're confident. This is the most important step.

You don't become confident before you start. You don't become confident before you try. You don't become confident before you fail. You don't become confident before you do the thing. The science shows this too. It's called the competence confidence loop. The competence confidence loop shows that action builds belief, not the other way around. We wait to feel ready, but confidence is a result of experience, not a requirement to begin.

Choose one micro action that represents your idea. Launch the first draft, post the first video, offer the first service. Confidence doesn't come first. Commitment does. Now here's the confidence myth no one talks about. We've been sold this idea. Once I feel confident, then I'll stop. But here's what psychology proves. That mindset is backwards. According to Albert Bandura, Stanford psychologist, and the father of self-efficacy theory, confidence doesn't come before action.

It comes because of it. Now what does it mean? When you take action, especially on something new, you build competence. A sense of I can do this. That competence creates evidence, and your brain uses that evidence to build confidence. So every time you start imperfectly, awkwardly, messily, you're not just doing the thing, you're training your belief that you can.

We wait for confidence like it's a permission slip. But confidence is more like a side effect of showing up. People think public speakers are born confident. Nope, most of them were just the first ones willing to bomb and come back. They earned it through reps not readiness. Pandora's research shows that self-efficacy, your belief in your ability to succeed increases when you have small wins. These are known as mastery experiences. It also increases when you see others succeed. Vicarious experiences. We think seeing others

succeed means we have less chance of succeeding. Actually it's the opposite. When you see others succeed, it gives you more opportunity to succeed because you realize it's available. I've had so many of my friends start social media channels, podcasts, YouTube channels and it's incredible to watch their rise. It's incredible to see them give their gift to the world. And what I'm encouraging my community and the people around me to do is say, Hey, when you see people celebrate that success. And then of course, verbal encouragement, social persuasion helps as well.

This reduces fear and anxiety through exposure. Confidence doesn't require perfection. It requires evidence. Try this today. Instead of asking, do I feel confident enough to start? Ask, what's one small action I can take to build proof that I can do this? Send the email. Record the first minute, write the first

sentence, show up even if you're shaking. Remember, affirmations don't build confidence. Likes and views don't build confidence. Being told you're great doesn't build confidence. Watching motivational videos doesn't build confidence. There are only three things that build confidence. Choosing discomfort builds confidence. Keeping promises to yourself builds confidence. And building competence builds confidence. And building competence builds confidence. Step number six, make failure public strategically.

The science shows that imagining failure before it happens actually increases your odds of success. Also vulnerability builds trust. People support you when they see the risk you're taking. Instead of hiding your risk or hiding your fear of failure, name it, own it and invite people into the ride. Here's what I want you to say. Here's what I'm building. Here's what might not work. I'm doing it anyway. That honesty earns respect even if people still don't fully get the vision. I remember when I started my journey, I posted on Facebook saying, hey, I'm trying this experiment. I'd love for you to join the journey. If you want to be a part of it, great. If you don't,

I totally understand. And all of a sudden it let people know that I was launching without launching. When you kind of drum up this build up to this big launch, it almost feels like too much pressure. And now everyone's expecting it to be perfect. When actually, when you soft launching go, Hey, I'm trying something. I'm giving it a go. I hope it does well. You get far more energy.

You don't win support by hiding risk. You earn it by owning it. Because people don't want perfect. They want authentic. People don't want flawless. They want vulnerable. People don't want polished. They want real. People don't want the highlight real, they want the human behind it. People don't want performance, they want presence. People don't want someone who has it all together, they want someone who's willing to figure it out. Because perfection may impress, but vulnerability connects.

It's one of the reasons since my first videos why I left me scuffing words. Why I may not perfect every delivery point. Why you may see me thinking sometimes in interviews and podcasts. It's because it was real. It actually happened. And it's why I do a lot of things without a lot of editing, because I just want you to see my thought process. I want you to hear it as I'm discovering an idea, because that's when it's powerful. It's that inception moment of discovery, of clarity, of connecting that resonates

because it's real, it's heart to heart, it's human to human. So don't feel that you have to be a perfect public speaker or a perfect coder or a perfect podcast or whatever it is to get out there. Here's number seven. Don't try to prove people wrong. Focus on proving yourself right. People with intrinsic motivation, driven by personal meaning, outperform those with external motivation, like proving someone wrong,

especially in the long term. Here's why it's counterintuitive. Revenge success sounds good, but purpose-driven success lasts longer. Revenge ultimately leads to resentment. Resentment of what you focused on, resentment of that person, and resentment for lost time. Purpose-driven success builds confidence, helps you understand your potential, and creates passion. So try this today. Write a mission statement, not for others, but for yourself. You're not doing this to make them look bad. You're doing this to find what you care about. You're not doing this to prove them wrong. You're doing this to find something that

you like doing. You're not doing this because they didn't believe in you. You're doing this to find something that you like doing. You're not doing this because they didn't believe in you. You're doing this because you want to learn to believe in yourself. Keep it somewhere visible. That's your anchor. So if no one's clapping for your idea yet, good. That means you're early. That means you're building something most people can't see. Support may come later,

but your belief has to come first. Because at the end of the day, if you don't believe in your idea enough to stand alone for a while, you're not going to be ready for the crowd that comes after. Thank you so much for listening to On Purpose. If this episode helped you, the best thing you can do is pass it along to a friend, share it on social media. I love

seeing what's resonating with you on TikTok and Instagram. And most importantly, back yourself loud, quietly, relentlessly, even if no one else does. And remember, I'm always rooting for you, and I'm forever at myself like I've been hacked. But day three when I did it, I was like, you know what, her thighs are cute. High-key. Looking for your next obsession?

Listen to High-key, a new weekly podcast hosted by Ben O'Keefe, Ryan Mitchell, and Evie Oddly. We got a lot of things to get into. We're gonna gush about the random stuff we can't stop thinking about. I am High-key going to lose my mind over all things Cowboy Carter. I know. Girl, the way she about to yank my bank account.

Correct. And one thing I really love about this is that she's celebrating her daughter. Oh, I know. Listen to High Key on the iHeart radio app, Apple podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. This week on Dear Chelsea with me, Chelsea Handler, Maren Morris is here. You came out of a marriage, you came out of quote unquote country music, and you had a huge growth spurt from what I can tell.

I was expanding and growing at a really fast pace. And yes, you could throw motherhood and the postpartum thing, learning about myself. There were a lot of like identity crises going on but I realized like I can't look back and slow down for people. Listen to Dear Chelsea on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. I found out I was related to the guy that I was dating. I don't feel emotions correctly. I collect my roommates' toenails and fingernails. Those were some callers from my call-in podcast,

Therapy Gecko. It's a show where I take phone calls from anonymous strangers as a fake gecko therapist and try to learn a little bit about their lives. I know that's a weird concept, but I promise it's very interesting. Check it out for yourself by searching for Therapy Gecko on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. This is an iHeart Podcast.