On Purpose with Jay Shetty - How to Manifest Your Dream Partner this Year (Desperation is BLOCKING You)

Episode Date: February 14, 2025

What qualities do you truly want in a partner? Do you believe in manifestation when it comes to love? Today, Jay explores how you can break free from insecurity and build lasting confidence using science-backed techniques and practical mindset shifts. Jay opens the episode by addressing the invisible forces that keep us stuck in self-doubt, such as fear of failure, scarcity mindset, and negative self-talk. He explains that our brains are wired for survival, not confidence, which means that many of our insecurities stem from a natural instinct to protect ourselves from perceived threats.  Jay introduces seven powerful strategies for retraining the brain for confidence. First, he explains the importance of stopping the brain’s “threat detection system”, which makes us perceive challenges as dangers rather than opportunities. He then highlights unconscious competence, where we often fail to recognize the skills we’ve already mastered. By tapping into this, we can use our existing strengths as a foundation for greater self-assurance. In this episode, you'll learn: How to Overcome the Fear of Being Judged How to Let Go of What No Longer Serves You How to Take Control of Your Confidence How to Shift from Self-Doubt to Self-Belief How to Train Your Brain to Build Lasting Confidence Confidence is not about being perfect; it’s about showing up, learning, and giving yourself the grace to evolve. You have everything within you to shift from doubt to self-trust. With Love and Gratitude, Jay Shetty What We Discuss: 00:00 Intro 01:48 How to Manifest Love this Year 05:35 The State of Desperation and Detachment 07:18 Desperation Leads to a Lot of Challenges 09:45 Desperation Leads to Overthinking 13:06 Desperation Leads to Toxic Situations 15:18 Things You Do When You Detach Yourself from Others 21:22 #1: Take Small Steps Toward Love 23:48 #2: Be Patient for Love 24:55 #3: Align What You Think, Say and Do 26:26 #4: Live as if You Already Have Love 28:09 #5: Find Healing Before Your Next RelationshipSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Get emotional with me, Radhie Devlukya, in my new podcast, A Really Good Cry. We're going to be talking with some of my best friends. I didn't know we were going to go there, Amna. People that I admire. When we say listen to your body, really tune in to what's going on. Authors of books that have changed my life. Now you're talking about sympathy, which is different than empathy, right? Never forget, it's okay to cry as long as you make it a really good one. Listen to A Really Good Cry with Radhidhav Luchia on the iHeartRadio app,

Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, everyone, it's Jay Shetty and I'm thrilled to announce my podcast tour. For the first time ever, you can see my on-purpose podcast live and in person. Join me in a city near you for meaningful, insightful conversations with surprise guests. It could be a celebrity, top wellness expert, or a CEO or business leader. We'll dive into experiences designed to inspire growth,

spark learning, and build real connections. I can't wait to see you there. Tickets are on sale now. Head to jshetty.me and get yours today. Every text, every moment of silence, every look feels like a test of your worth and their love. Your messaging going, hey, wait, wait, wait, what did you mean by that? Hey, are we on the same page? Do you really want to see me? I'm not sure if you don't want to see me, it's okay. Right? That desperation is not a state through which we manifest and attract love. The number one health and wellness podcast.

Jay Shetty. Jay Shetty. The one, the only Jay Shetty. Hey everyone, welcome back to On Purpose. I'm your host Jay Shetty and I am so grateful that you are here. I have to start with, I am so excited that I'm taking On Purpose on tour this year, and I want you to come and see me.

Head over to jayshetty.me forward slash tour. That's jayshetty.me forward slash tour, so that you can come and see me live. I can't wait for you to see our special guests. We're going to have experts, celebrities, thought leaders. It's going to be really deep, profound work and it's going to be a lot of fun. Bring your friends, bring your family. I can't wait to see you. Now, today's episode is all about how 2025 becomes the year we manifest love.

Whether you're in a relationship, whether you're single, whether you're dating, this episode is for you. If you're someone who for so long feels like they've tried everything and anything to find love. This episode is for you. If you're someone who's in a long-term relationship, but you want to infuse it with more love, this episode is for you. And if you're someone who's dating right now, exhausted with the apps, got so much going on, this episode is for you. The first question I want to share with you is who would you be today

if you knew you were going to meet the person you will love for the rest of your life? Who would you be if you knew you were going to meet the person you would love for the rest of your life. Who would you be if you knew you were going to meet the person you would love for the rest of your life today? Let's say you were gonna meet them in three hours, in five hours, in six hours. What would you do differently? What would be the focus of your life? How would it change the way you feel?

Not just what you would do. How would it change the way you feel? The way you feel about love, the way you feel about happiness, the way you feel about life. Would you have an extra skip in your step? Would you be that much more alert? Would you be that much more positive? Would you be that much more kind? Would you be that much more positive? Would you be that much more kind?

What would it feel like if you knew the person of your dreams, the person you would spend the rest of your life with, was three hours away from you? How would you feel and how would that change the way you behave? Just feel that in your body for a moment. Maybe it makes you smile, maybe it makes you slightly nervous, maybe you can feel the butterflies, maybe you shed a tear because it's been such a painful journey. Think about that for a second. How would it feel? Embody that. How would it feel?

I want you to remember this feeling because I want you to bring yourself back to this whenever you feel you're drifting away. It's this energy that attracts and manifests the partner that you want. Because it's this excitement, this enthusiasm that is the magnet to attract that. Right, when we talk about manifesting, what we're trying to do is become a magnet so we can attract things in our direction. The energy, the vibrancy, the frequency of attraction is this. The genuine belief, the natural feeling, the organic manifestation that it's just around

the corner. And guess what? Whether you do meet the love of your life in three hours or not, it's just a beautiful place to live. It's a happier not. It's just a beautiful place to live. It's a happier mind. It's a healthier body. It's a more healed heart. Isn't that where we all want to live?

Isn't that what would truly be a magnet for the right person? This is the year you manifest love. If you follow these simple guidelines that I'm about to share today, it will change your life. Now, I want to start off with what we usually do. We don't live in the state that I just talked about. We live in one of two states as humans because we love extremes. We either live in a state of desperation on one end or we live in a state of detachment. So desperation is, oh my gosh, I need to find love.

I need to go on a date. Oh my God, I'm never going to find someone. Oh my gosh, everyone's getting married. Oh my God, I'm so behind. Oh my gosh, am I ever going to find someone? That's desperation. And you don't have to tell me we've all experienced that. We've all been there.

We know what it feels like. But then sometimes we do the opposite, the detachment. I'm too busy. I'm focused on my career. I don't need love. It's not that important. It will work itself out. I'm not paying any attention.

And whether we mean that, whether we truly believe that, we've all been on that side too. And guess what? Here we still are, whether you're in a relationship or not, here we still are without love. If you're in a relationship, desperation looks like, I wish my partner would give me more attention. Why don't they care about my birthday?

Oh my God, we didn't do anything for Valentine's Day. We didn't do anything for Christmas. You know, they just don't care about me. Right? We know what that feels like. And then if you're in a relationship, detachment feels like, oh no, we're independent. No, you know, he's got his thing going on.

I've got my thing going on. We don't really need each other. Those are both not states of love. They're both not peak human states. But you can live in peak human state. And I want you to. So let's talk about that. Desperation doesn't work

because it leads to a lot of challenges. The first is desperation can make you ignore red flags. When you're desperate, you convince yourself that bad behavior is just a phase or that they can fix it. Sometimes you don't even notice the bad behavior you just go oh no but they're so wonderful oh wow like no but they did this thing you find all the excuses that justify how you feel. Also known as

confirmation bias. You notice the things that confirm the feeling you want to have. How many times have you done that with someone? You confirm the feelings and you notice the things that confirm the feelings that you want to have. It's amazing how that works, isn't it? And then when that relationship breaks down, all of a sudden you notice all these other things and you go, I knew that was there. I don't know how I missed it. I saw it. I don't know how I missed it. It almost seems like it's hiding in

plain sight. So desperation means sometimes we ignore red flags. Desperation sometimes means we over give. We pour all our energy into someone hoping our efforts will be enough to make them stay. We over give and then when they under give, we make them feel bad that we over gave when actually it was our choice. It was our desperation. It was our insecure attachment that was doing it, and that way it doesn't work out. Sometimes when we're desperate, I'm sure you have friends who've done this, we settle for less. We lower our standards to avoid being alone.

How many friends or family members do you have right now who you know have not manifested love because they were desperate because they really believed that being alone was so terrible that they ended up settling for less. And I've seen people really sell for less. Sadly, so much less than they deserve because they're desperate. Desperation is not a state through which you can attract and manifest the love of your life. It isn't a state for that. Another thing desperation leads to is overthinking everything. Every text, every moment of silence, every look feels like a test of your worth and their love.

Your messaging, hey, wait, wait, wait, what did you mean by that? Hey, are we on the same page? Do you really want to see me? I'm not sure if you don't want to see me, it's okay. Right. That desperation means we're overthinking everything. That overthinking energy is not a state through which we manifest and attract love. We manifest and attract more overthinking,

more anxiety, more stress, more drama. And we've all been there as well. When we're desperate, we often lose ourselves. We change our hobbies, change our opinions. We change our personality to match whatever that person wants. And we've seen where that leads. That person eventually decides to choose their own way.

And we feel hard done by because we changed who we were to keep them in our life. Don't change who you are to keep someone in your life. Don't become who they are to hope they will stay. Be who you are and see who stays to grow with you. It's so fascinating to me how so many of us trade and lose our identity in the desperate desire to have love in our lives, only to realize that that energetic state doesn't create love,

it creates loss. Loss of ourselves and loss of that person because that person won't stick around because they'll also get a sense that you're not yourself or when you get a sense that you're not yourself anymore and you finally share who you are with them they'll be outbroken about that a lot of us when we're desperate we rush things we skip steps

we imagine a future before there's a solid foundation A lot of us, when we're desperate, we rush things. We skip steps. We imagine a future before there's a solid foundation. Think about that for a second. How many times have you ever imagined a future before there was a solid foundation? A lot of us, when we're desperate, we seek validation constantly. We crave reassurance. We read too much into small gestures. We're desperately searching for proof that we're loved.

We want to see that. We want to feel that at every moment we need it. That desperate act doesn't create love. It creates neediness. It creates dependency. It creates stress for the other person. And if we're desperate, we avoid boundaries. We're too scared to say no, to stand up for ourselves. We're scared we're going to push someone away.

So we pull them closer by pushing ourselves away. Right, think about that for a second. You're so scared you're going to push someone away, that you pull them closer. But the way you do that is you push yourself away from yourself. You get so far away from yourself so you can be so close to someone else

only to push them further away because they never really got to know you. And finally, when we're desperate, we stay in toxic situations. Sadly, I know too many friends, too many people who will accept physical, verbal, emotional abuse, staying in a toxic situation without love because we're too scared of being alone. So that's what desperation does. And as you can see, what I'm trying to paint is a picture of the state that is created as opposed to the state that we live in when love is just around the

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Now detachment often looks like you're too cool for school. Detachment means we push people away. We act overly independent. We reject genuine connection out of fear of vulnerability. Maybe you've been hurt before and now you're acting too cool for school, but you're pushing other people away. When we're acting detached or we are detached, we sometimes miss opportunities. We brush off someone who truly cares.

We convince ourselves that it's not a big deal. And I've seen that happen too often. People just say, oh yeah, you know, I'm doing my own thing right now. And you miss out on a really beautiful possible connection. The third is you overcompensate. You act like you're too busy. You're too focused on other things than love.

And while that's not a bad thing, I think it's amazing when people get focused on their careers, when they go deep, I think it's beautiful. But if in the back of your mind, you're like, I just really want to be in a relationship, I wish I could find that person. You're kind of detached and desperate at the same time, which is the worst situation to be in. The reason I'm painting these states is because I want us to realize the difference when we get into the optimal state that I'm going to share with you in a moment. I want to share with you that optimal state of attraction and

manifestation. And I want you to realize that the states of desperation and detachment don't create that dynamic energy that we need in order to be a magnet. The fourth thing we do is we build walls, not boundaries. Instead of healthy limits, we shut up entirely. We think it's safer that way. It's almost like instead of getting blinds

for the sun pouring into your house, which is a healthy way to manage it, you end up putting up walls around your house. That's what we all do. We put up walls, not boundaries, right? And we think it's safer that way, but it's not safer. We need that light. We need that connection. We need to expose ourselves to a tiny bit of pain, a tiny bit of stress, a tiny bit of discomfort and struggle. Another thing we do when we're detached is we seek distractions. We pretend we don't need anyone.

We party to fill the void. We take up loads of new hobbies. By the way, these are all great things, but not if they're coming from a place of trying to avoid that which we're looking for. We project this sort of indifference. We claim we don't care, but our actions often reveal that we're scared to admit we do. Right? You pretend you don't care, but really you're scared to admit that you actually do. pretend you don't care, but really you're scared to admit that you actually do. And that means we end up sabotaging potential relationships.

Right? We find reasons to end things early. We convince people that it wasn't meant to be. We convince ourselves that it wasn't meant to be. So when you're desperate, you're pulling something close when it doesn't make sense. And when you're in detachment, you're pushing something close when it doesn't make sense. And when you're in detachment, you're pushing something away when it doesn't make sense. Listen to that again. When you're desperate, you're trying to pull things closer than they're meant to be. And when you're detached, you're trying to push things further away than they're meant to be. You're not allowing what is meant to be, to be in your life. And what does that do?

It means we often feel lonely and private. Behind closed doors, behind the bravado when it fades, loneliness starts to creep in. And we're there on our own on a Friday night, saying we're okay, saying we're strong, saying we're not in need, but we are feeling desperate. And a lot of us oscillate between this desperation and detachment. We think, oh, everyone says you find someone when you're not looking for them.

All right, let me pretend to be detached. Oh wait, that didn't work. All right, I need to be desperate again. All right, I really need to tell all my friends I'm desperate again. I'm really seeking. Oh wait, that didn't work. All right, let me just be detached again. Maybe that will work. All right, I'm sure seeking, oh wait, that didn't work. All right, let me just be detached again. Maybe that will work. I am sure you've met people. I'm sure your friends and family just constantly oscillating between these two states.

And finally, we convince ourselves that love is a weakness. We're scared of connection. We're scared of being hurt. And what I find is that as humans, we're good at oscillating between light and dark. We're not good at viewing them at the same time. And it's rare. If you think about a solar eclipse, a solar eclipse is when you see the layer of the moon and the sun.

It's a very rare sight, but that's what we need to do. Right. We know what to do in the darkness. We know what to do in the light. We rarely see both together. And so that's what we need to do, right? We know what to do in the darkness. We know what to do in the light. We rarely see both together. And so that's what we need to do. We need to find out that middle path of detachment and desperation. That's that state, that dynamic state that we want to be in. There's detachment, but there's also desperation. But it's not desperation in the dynamic state It's now desire and instead of detachment It's deserving Right, it's desire and deserving instead of desperation and detachment Desperation and detachment will push the right people away and pull

the wrong people close. Desire and deserving will push the wrong people away and pull the right people close. When we know what we desire and we believe we deserve it, that is that peak human state, as opposed to oscillating and operating in the extremes of desperation and detachment. Get emotional with me, Radhita Vlukya, in my new podcast, A Really Good Cry. We're going to talk about and go through all the things that are sometimes difficult to process alone. We're going to go over how to regulate your emotions, diving deep into holistic personal development and just building your mindset

to have a happier, healthier life. We're gonna be talking with some of my best friends. I didn't know we were gonna go there, Amir. I mean, don't let me get this serious. People that I admire. When we say listen to your body, really tune in to what's going on. Authors of books that have changed my life.

Now you're talking about sympathy, which is different than empathy, right? And basically have conversations that can help us get through this crazy thing we call life. I already believe in myself. I already see myself. And so when people give me an opportunity, I'm just like, oh, great. You see me too.

We'll laugh together. We'll cry together and find a way through all of our emotions. Never forget, it's OK to cry as long as you make it a really good one. Listen to A Really Good Cry with Rali Devlukia on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hi, I'm Essie Kupp, and I've spent the last 20 plus years knee deep in politics in the news. I've covered some really tough subjects from war to genocide to six presidential elections, way too much Trump.

You know what? I need a break, like a mental health break from the news, from the triggering headlines. And I kind of suspect some of you listening out there might need a break too. So my new podcast is going to be just that, a fun and loose space where I talk to my famous friends and people I admire about all the stuff that consumes us when we're not consumed by politics. I did not really rebel in the 60s. I had no sex in the 70s.

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So how do we do that? The first thing is looking at these blends, these juxtapositions of seemingly opposite ideas. Love has to be a big priority, but we have to take small steps. This is how we learn to manifest that optimal state. We have to accept love is a big priority in 2025. Love is really important to me. Love is my number one focus in what I want. I'm clear about my desire. I'm clear about my desire. I'm clear about that desire. And I'm willing to juxtapose it with small steps.

I'm willing to accept that love is my number one priority and I know I need to take small steps toward it. The challenge is what we do is we go, I don't want to admit love's my number one desire. That's so uncomfortable. That's so cringe. That's so cringe. That's so awkward. That makes me so lame.

I'm not going to do that. What have we done? We've just, we've completely suppressed our desire. So now we're faking detachment because we're scared of looking silly. So it's not a big priority. We're pretending it's a small priority and we're trying to take big steps.

I'm just going to focus on my career. Or we're desperate. So we're saying, oh my God, it's not just a desire, it's desperation. And so we're saying, okay, it is a big priority, but then we're trying to take these massive big leaps towards it. It's the opposite ideas.

We need a big priority, accepting love. I desire love. I desire real love. I deserve real love. I deserve real love. Repeat that. I desire real love and I deserve real love. But I'm going to take, I'm ready to take the small steps towards it.

The weekly date routine. I'm willing to take the small steps by asking my friends and committing and connecting with people. I'm willing to take the small steps of not rushing it and seeing where things go with someone. I'm willing to take the small steps that even if it didn't work out on the first day, I'm okay with taking a second. I'm okay with trying it out even when things feel like it's not quite working out.

I'm open to the small steps. I'm not waiting for that first big miraculous moment of chemistry that makes me feel like this person is perfect and everything's perfect. But really, I'm just lying to myself. Small steps, big priority. The next way to become a magnet is to be patient for love, but impatient for dating. Usually what we are is that we're impatient for it all.

Or we're saying we're patient, but we're feeling impatient. How can we be patient for the big things and impatient about the small things? Patient for love to develop, but impatient to connect, build connections, meet people, be out there, connect. Often we do the opposite. We go, oh yeah, I'll see when a date comes up. So we're patient for the dates, but we're impatient about love. I really want to be in love.

I really want to be in love, but I don't want to go on any dates. I don't want to put in the work. Impatient about dates, patient about love. Say it out loud, I'm patient for real love. I am patient for real love, I'm impatient to try and meet more people. That's the balance, that's that dynamic state that blends desire and deserving instead of desperation and detachment. The next step is align what you think, say and do. Too many people are thinking I'm desperate for love. They're saying I don't need it and doing they're not going out on any dates.

Too many people are saying in their head, I'm detached from love. They're saying they really, really want it and then they're doing nothing again. Align. Accept in your mind this year love is a big priority. Say it when you speak to people, love is my number one priority and then let it lead to your actions. A beautiful old saying says and let it lead to your actions. A beautiful old saying says that we experience misalignment or we can't be in harmony of what we think, say and do are not aligned.

Too many of us are saying something to our friends, thinking something on our own and doing something completely different. Align, align, align. I am aligned in manifesting love. I'm aligned in attracting love. Whatever you think, be clear about it. Repeat that when you're with people,

no matter hard or cringe it is, if you can't express your desire in your mind and out loud to your close friends and take action aligned with it, you can't manifest. Manifestation is all about aligning. We're aligning with ourselves. We're aligning with the universe.

Most of us are misaligned because we're saying something completely different to what we're doing and thinking. The next step is living as if you already have love. Creating love in all relationships, infusing love into your work relationships. Infusing love with your friends and family. Feeling and experiencing love. Noticing love. Notice love.

Acknowledge love. Feel it. See it around you wherever you are. When someone compliments you. When someone says something rather than in the back of your head thinking, I I had a partner who said that I wish I had someone who felt that I wish I knew someone who felt that way about me there are people who feel that way about you and yes it's not romantic but that doesn't mean it's not helpful it's helpful in helping you create a state of love and becoming a magnet remember you're trying to become a magnet where you attract love into your life,

which means you have to notice it. That's the skill of a magnet. It notices that this is an energy, a field that I want to bring into my life. And in order to do that, we have to focus on what is important about you. What's valuable about you. Can you notice those things? Can you highlight those things? Can you value those things in yourself?

People find it so hard to write down three things they value about themselves. But I promise you, if you can't do that, you can't manifest love into your life because you'll always feel unworthy of love. Even when someone will stand in front of you stare you in the eyes and say I love you you won't believe it because you don't feel you're lovable you haven't accepted that there's parts of you that are completely lovable and finally I'd suggest what have you not healed from a previous relationship that will affect the future? That's the energy to clear.

That's what you want to work on. You don't want to carry that into the next stage. I hope, I wish that 2025 becomes your year of manifesting love. I know it can. And all you have to do is follow these steps. Listen to this episode every week, save it. And it will be an incredible year. This will be the year you will become a magnet

and manifest and attract love into your life if you follow these simple steps. Thank you so much for listening. Remember I'm forever in your corner and I'm always rooting for you.