On Purpose with Jay Shetty - If Your Life Hasn’t Gone to Plan — This is For YOU! (6 Step Framework To Take Back Control and Build The Life You Want!)

Episode Date: June 13, 2025

What part of your life feels off track right now? Have you been listening more to your fear or your intuition? Today, Jay explores what it means to lose control—and why that may be exactly where transformation begins. When plans fall apart and expectations go unmet, the mind defaults to self-blame and shame. But Jay offers a different perspective: perhaps this is not failure, but the unplanned beginning of something better. Guided by his background in monkhood and supported by research from neuroscience and psychology, Jay introduces six transformative practices for navigating life’s plot twists with intention and grace. He explains how to distinguish between the loud voice of the inner critic and the quiet wisdom of intuition, why guilt and shame block growth, and how letting go of the illusion of control can create space for something far greater than imagined. In this episode, you'll learn: How to Quiet Your Inner Critic  How to Reframe Failure as Redirection How to Speak to Yourself with Kindness How to Respond to Setbacks Instead of Resisting Them How to Stay Grounded When the Plan Falls Apart How to Let Curiosity Lead You Forward, Not Fear Control isn’t about perfect plans, it’s about presence. And what seems like an ending might just be the beginning of a more meaningful path. With Love and Gratitude, Jay Shetty Join over 750,000 people to receive my most transformative wisdom directly in your inbox every single week with my free newsletter. Subscribe here. What We Discuss: 00:00 Intro 00:43 Is Life Not Going According to Plan? 02:47 Step #1: Learn to Pause Your Active Inner Critic 11:03 Step #2: Let Go of the Control Illusion 20:39 Step #3: Reframe Failure as Redirection 22:19 Step #4: Use the Tiny Wins Framework 24:28 Step #5: Expect the Plot Twists 27:23 Step #6: Let Curiosity Lead You ForwardSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is an iHeart Podcast. Have you ever thought about going voiceover? I'm Hope Woodard, a comedian, creator, and seeker of male validation. I'm also the girl behind voiceover, the movement that exploded in 2024. You might hear that term and think it's about celibacy, but to me, voiceover is about understanding yourself outside of sex and relationships. It's flexible, it's customizable, and it's a personal process. Singleness is not a waiting room. You are actually at the party right now. Let me hear it. Listen to voiceover on the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

I found out I was related to the guy that I was dating. I don't feel emotions correctly. I collect my roommates' toenails and fingernails. Those were some callers from my call-in podcast, Therapy Gecko. It's a show where I take phone calls from anonymous strangers as a fake gecko therapist and try to learn a little bit about their lives. I know that's a weird concept, but I promise it's very interesting.

Check it out for yourself by searching for Therapy Gecko on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hi-Key. Looking for your next obsession? Listen to Hi-Key, a new weekly podcast hosted by Ben O'Keefe, Ryan Mitchell, and Evie Oddly. We got a lot of things to get into.

We're gonna gush about the random stuff we can't stop thinking about. I am HiKey going to lose my mind over all things Cowboy Carter. I know. Girl, the way she bout to yank my bank account. Correct. And one thing I really love about this

is that she's celebrating her daughter. Oh, I know. Listen to High Key on the iHeart radio app, Apple podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Stop trying to control everything. Not everything broken needs you to fix it. You'll burn out before life slows down. Stop treating peace like a project. It's not something you earn, it's something you allow. And stop gripping the future so hard you're crushing the present. The number one health and wellness podcast.

Jay Shetty. Jay Shetty. The one, the only Jay Shetty. Hey everyone, welcome back to On Purpose. Thank you so much for tuning back into the podcast. If you haven't subscribed already, make sure you click the button below so that you never miss a video. Now, today's episode is for anyone who's ever looked at their life and thought, this is not how it was supposed to go.

This is not the plan. This is not how I imagined it to be. And I'm sure so many of you can relate to that. This is not what you wanted. This is not what you desired. This is not what you wished for. And you're feeling stuck. Maybe you didn't get the job.

Maybe the relationship ended. Maybe you're nowhere near where you thought you'd be by now. If you feel stuck, if you feel lost, if you feel confused, this episode is for you. And before we dive in, I want you to hear this clearly. That doesn't mean you failed. It just means you're in the part of the story you didn't plan for.

And sometimes that's where the real story begins. I want you to recognise that you feeling stuck right now is not the end. You feeling stuck right now is not a failure. You feeling stuck right now is not where the story finishes. By you being here right now, this is where we rewrite that narrative. It's where you make that shift

and it's where you feel the switch in your life. If you follow what I'm about to share in this episode, you will actually be able to reclaim ownership over your own life, over your own life, over your own mind and move in the direction that you want and actually even better. That's what I want you to understand today that the position you're in right now may not be where you want to be but it can be the launch pad of something even better. So today I want to

walk you through six science back steps to rebuild your mindset when life takes a turn you didn't expect. Let's get into it. Step one is learning to pause the inner critic and activate the observer. This is an idea that I learned about during my time as a monk in recognizing the different voices that exist in our mind. There's the voice that's always loud. There's the voice that's always certain. And then there's that quiet observer.

Now, a lot of people ask me this question, Jay, how do I know the difference between my inner critic and my intuition? How do I know the difference between my mind and my intuition? Right, it can be hard, it can feel like there are a lot of voices, there are a lot of noises going on inside your mind. How do you decipher?

How do you make sense of it? Here's what I've learned. Your mind is certain and loud, right? It will say to you, don't do that, you'll look like a fool. Don't do that at work, everyone will see it. Don't speak up because you might say something stupid. It's loud and it's certain. But the intuition is quiet and it's curious. Hey, maybe you should try that out. Hey, you know what? I think you might be really good at that. Why don't we follow it? Hey, you know what? You have a really good idea. Everyone may not get it, but it's worth sharing it. Take a moment to notice the different voices that exist within you. Your inner critic is certain and loud.

You will look like a fool. You're a failure. You got it wrong. You're not good enough. You're not smart enough. You're not pretty enough. Very certain, very loud. The intuition says, I feel like I like this. I think I'm passionate about this. I think I'm excited about this. In a difficult position, it says, I think we might get out of this if we try this. But the inner critic says,

No, don't try it. It's not worth your time. It's a waste of time. You're just stuck. So here's what I want you to think about. The more you listen to that quiet, to that curious inner voice, the less you'll be affected by that loud, certain noise of the mind. The reason why the intuition has got so quiet is because it's been

ignored. What happens to you when you feel like a friend isn't paying you attention? You shut down, you get quiet, you don't make as much noise. That's what's happened to our intuition. It's faded into the background. It's taken the passenger seat. Sometimes from the back of the car it may whisper, hey take a left, hey take a right, try this out. But the more we listen to it, the stronger that voice becomes, the more confidence it gains. So it's really important first of all to know the difference between your inner critic and your mind and I would even give them a name. Give them a personality

so you know the difference. Right the reason why we know which friends are good for us and which aren't is because we remember their name, we remember what they look like. The problem is the voices in our head don't have a face. The voices in our head don't have a personality. We have to create one for them. So choose a name for your mind that feels like it's nagging you, forcing you to do what's right. A name that feels like that. And then choose a name for your intuition. That good friend, that deep friend, that sincere, genuine person who really wants to help you.

Who really wants to make a difference in your life. The next thing we have to do is learn to speak to ourselves with the kindness and the empathy we would use to speak to someone we love. Something I've noticed about high performing people having sat down with so many now is that they have two traits. They are high standards and high grace. High standards make sense. They want to be the best.

They want to push themselves. They want to drive. They want to succeed in business, in their career, in their passion, in their purpose. And we should all have high standards. If we don't demand high standards of ourselves, we will shrink to very low expectations of others. Think about that for a second. If you don't set high standards for yourself, you will shrink to the low

expectations of others. But here's the most important part. Everyone who has high standards, who achieves them, has high grace. The ability to recognize that actually guilt blocks growth. Shame doesn't lead to change. I won't shift myself by guilting myself. I won't become better by making myself feel bad for too long. It may work in the short term. There's an amazing speech by Roger Federer where he talked about how when he's playing a point, it is the most important point in the world.

But when that point is over, whether he won or lost, that point is the least important point in the world. That is the difference between high standards and also having high grace. When you're playing the point, when you're in the moment you take it seriously. When you lose, when things don't go to plan, when things don't go in the way you imagined, they weren't that important. Remember this, stop saying mean things to yourself you'd never say to someone else. Stop being critical in your head just because no one else can hear it. Stop believing your worst thoughts just because they're loud. Stop mistaking your inner critic for your inner truth.

Start listening to how you speak to yourself because no one lives in your head more than you do. It's natural, I get it. When life doesn't go to plan, the first instinct is to blame. And mostly toward ourselves. I should have known better. I should have done more. But here's what research from self-compassion expert Dr. Kristian Nelf shows. Self-judgment in moments of failure increases cortisol.

Think about that for a second. Self-judgment in moments of failure increases cortisol. Think about that for a second. Self-judgment in moments of failure increases cortisol. It decreases motivation and keeps you stuck in shame. How many times have you done that? You make a mistake and now you're beating yourself up about it. Not just in the morning when you look in the mirror, but at night before your head hits the pillow. You're constantly replaying that moment you messed up at work.

Maybe you weren't the perfect parent today. And all of a sudden, you've gone from wanting to be the perfect parent to believing you're the worst parent of all time. Your motivation decreases, your cortisol increases, and it keeps you stuck in shame. You can't shift from shame. So what helps instead? Mindful self observation. It's the shift from I messed up to interesting. This didn't go how I thought.

Stop saying I'm not good enough. You're not lazy. You're drained from carrying what no one sees. You're not falling behind. You're healing in a world that rewards burnout. You're not the problem. The pressure is. You're not unmotivated. You're tired of pretending you're fine. You're not lost.

You're just not on someone else's timeline and you're not stuck. You're processing and that counts. Step number two. Let go of the control illusion. One of the reasons why we don't like it when things don't go to plan is we wanted everything perfectly controlled. We had everything mapped out. Maybe you had a color coded spreadsheet, right? And you wanted everything to happen exactly how it was mapped out.

That control illusion creates so much resistance in our life. Sometimes the things you can't plan for a control are really big and hard. And sometimes they happen in the most beautiful way. Have you ever noticed how the best parts of a trip or moments in life are never the ones you actually planned? I think about this one time, Radhi and I had everything mapped out, full schedule. That's how I like to function.

But someone casually invited us to this gathering. No real dress code, no plan, no agenda. We showed up and it turned into one of the most meaningful nights of the year. No cameras, no expectations, just connection. The kind of night where you forget to check your phone because you're so into it. And then there was another time I was in LA, completely exhausted. A friend texted me last minute, come to this dinner. I almost said no, but I went and I ended up in a backyard eating amazing food, having a live stand-up comedy show surrounded by people I'd never met, who somehow felt like old friends.

That moment wasn't supposed to happen. I didn't plan it, but it stayed with me. It shifted something. That's the kind of travel and moments I crave. Not just the sights or the luxury but those rare unexpected experiences that wake you up a little. We all chase destinations but what we're really chasing is that spark, that aliveness and when a door opens to something like that, whether it's a

private dinner, a behind-the- moment, or something you couldn't have found on your own, I'm saying yes every time. Because in the end, it's not about where you went, it's about how it made you feel. I'm excited to continue this conversation, but first a word from our sponsors. Unforgettable Adventures with Chase Sapphire. Whether you're booking a much-needed weekend getaway

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I often say to people, you get to where you want in life, just not in the way you imagine it. The problem with the control illusion is you have an image you're projecting here and reality is happening down here. And when reality doesn't match your imagination, you think there's something wrong with reality. As opposed to realizing that in reality

you may get to the result of your imagination but not through the path of your imagination. So many people don't get to where they want because the path looks different to what they imagined. Don't give up on your goal because the path looks different. Don't give up on your goal because the path looks different. Don't give up on the result because your road looks different. The path, the road, the journey to where you want to go is definitely going to look different to what you planned. I'm certain of that. There is no one in the history of the world who got to where they want to in love, relationships or their career in exactly the way they planned. They will all tell you there were pivots, there were detours, there were reroutes,

there were even full-on U-turns. But the control illusion trips each and every one of us up. Don't let the control illusion be the reason you don't get to where you want. The control illusion says, well, if it doesn't happen my way, I don't want it. Well, if this is not happening, if this isn't the sign I'm being shown, then nothing works.

And what ends up happening is something amazing could be happening for you, but you miss it. It's almost like imagine you're knocking on a door and you're waiting for it to open and while you're knocking on that door three other doors open for you but you're so busy knocking on this door and wondering why it doesn't open that you miss out on the three other doors that were waiting for you to walk through them. We all do this in our life. We're so busy knocking on this door endlessly that we don't turn around to look at the one that's open inviting us.

I have seen in my life time and time again that often the doors I want to open don't open immediately. And if I would have stayed in that position, that's how I stay stuck. If you feel stuck right now, it's because you're stuck waiting for one door to open rather than realizing there are three others that are inviting you in right now.

That's why we feel stuck. We're waiting on the doorstep, going, when will this door open? And you could be waiting seven years and the door may open in seven years, but you don't know, so you stay stuck, you feel stuck. But hey, if you walked into the other door, you could come back out and move into that door

in seven years, it will work out. Stop trying to control everything. Not everything broken needs you to fix it. Stop trying to outrun uncertainty. You'll burn out before life slows down. Stop managing everyone's emotions like it's your full-time job. Stop treating peace like a project. It's not something you earn, it's something you allow. And stop waiting for life to make sense. It rarely does in real time. And stop gripping the future so hard, you're crushing the present. What's meant for you won't need force, just focus. One of the biggest reasons we spiral when plans fall apart

is because of illusion control. The belief we should be able to predict and manage everything. But studies from Dr. Ellen Langer at Harvard show that people who accept uncertainty actually experience less anxiety and better performance over time. You can't plan for every twist, but you can decide how you respond to it. The problem is when we try to plan for every twist, we try to be prepared for every pivot

and guess what? Even trying your best, it won't happen. So here's your reminder, control the next step. Control your response, not the whole story. I'm sure you've reached places in your life that you never imagined. I'm sure you got over breakups and heartbreak you never imagined you would.

This feeling you're having right now of being stuck, of feeling like life's not going to plan, may be what opens you up to a bigger plan. We all think our imagination's pretty good, but the universe's imagination far surpasses anything in this limited mind. Just think about the solar system, think about the planets, think about nature. Everything is taken care of and everything is

provided for. It's only us that believe our imagination surpasses that of the universe. Don't compare your limited imagination to the limitless abundance of the universe. The universe has the ability to gift you more than you could ever imagine. You may think your vision is big, but the universe is bigger if you're willing to tap in and tune in. This is an advertisement from Better Health. Men today face immense pressure to perform, to provide, and keep it all together. But bottling things up can lead to depression, burnout, or other unhealthy habits. It's okay to struggle.

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based on over 1.7 million client reviews. You can also switch therapists at any time. As the largest online therapy provider in the world, BetterHelp can provide access to mental health professionals with a diverse variety of expertise. Talk it out with BetterHelp. Our listeners get 10% off their first month at BetterHelp.com slash JSTOP3. That's Better? H-E-L-P dot com slash JSTOP3. I found out I was-E-L-P dot com slash JStop3. I found out I was related to the guy that I was dating. I don't feel emotions correctly.

I am talking to a felon right now and I cannot decide if I like him or not. Those were some callers from my call in podcast, Therapy Gecko. It's a show where I take real phone calls from anonymous strangers all over the world as a fake gecko therapist and try to dig into their brains and learn a little bit about their lives.

I know that's a weird concept, but I promise it's pretty interesting if you give it a shot. Matter of fact, here's a few more examples of the kinds of calls we get on this show. I live with my boyfriend, and I found his piss jar in our apartment. I collect my roommates toenails and fingernails. I have very overbearing parents. Even at the age of 29, they won't let me move out of their house. So if you want an excuse to get out of your own head and see what's going

on in someone else's head, search for therapy gecko on the iHeart radio app, Apple podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. It's the one with the green guy on it. Have you ever thought about going voiceover? I'm Hope Woodard, a comedian, creator, and seeker of male validation. To most people, I'm the girl behind voiceover, the movement that exploded in 2024. Voiceover is about understanding yourself outside of sex and Relationships, it's more than personal. It's political. It's societal and at times It's far from what I originally intended it to be these days

I'm interested in expanding what it means to be voice over to make it I'm interested in expanding what it means to be voiceover, to make it customizable for anyone who feels the need to explore their relationship to relationships. I'm talking to a lot of people who will help us think about how we love each other. It's a very, very normal experience to have times where a relationship is prioritizing other parts of that relationship that aren't being naked together. How we love our family.

I've spent a lifetime trying to get my mother to love me, but the price is too high. And how we love ourselves. Singleness is not a waiting room. You are actually at the party right now. Let me hear it. Listen to VoiceOver on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

on the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Step number three is reframe failure as redirection. You are not a failure. You're someone who started. You're not lost. You're in between versions of yourself. You're not starting over. You're reentering with better instincts.

You're not finished, but you're also not at the start. You're not off track, you're off autopilot. See, here's the reality. Your brain is wired to see failure as danger. The amygdala lights up, triggering a threat response. But when researchers at Columbia studied how high performers recover, they found a pattern. They reframe setbacks as information not identity. Stop saying I failed. Try this instead. This is feedback I didn't ask for, but maybe I needed.

This is information that will help me next time. Reframe, well maybe this isn't the right path for me, to maybe it's just a long way. Maybe it's a different way. Thomas Edison famously said, I didn't fail 9,999 times. I just found 9,999 times that it didn't work. That's the shift. If you find the one way it works, do you care that you tried 99 times?

I'm guessing not. So reframe each way to be, okay, I just know it doesn't work this way. All right, I just know it doesn't work this way. This is just not the way it works. It works a different way. Let me be open to that. Step four, use the tiny wins framework.

When your plan collapses, your sense of momentum often goes with it. So how do you rebuild it? Use something known as the progress principle from Harvard Business School. Tiny wins, even micro acts, create a measurable increase in confidence and motivation. There's a reason when you're growing up as a kid your parents would put lines on the wall to see how far you were growing. Because when you're close to something, you actually miss the growth. Right? You may even see that in yourself.

Maybe you started working out. Maybe you started walking 10,000 steps and someone sees you and they say, wow, I can tell you look healthier. I can tell you've been taking care of yourself. You're like, no way. I'm still, you know, I still want to lose or gain this weight. I still want to build this muscle. When you're figuring out things on your own up close, you'll never feel like you're

growing. And that's why we don't grow because we're looking for the big wins, not the small ones. So here's a question. What's one small thing you can complete today that brings you closer to what matters? For example, let's say your business failed. Don't relaunch the whole brand. Start with a 20 minute brainstorm or reach out to one customer to get feedback. Maybe you're going through a breakup and instead of trying to find love and convince

yourself that love still exists, you're just going to do something where you enjoy your own company. Momentum comes from movement, not miracles. Let me say that again. Momentum comes from movement, not miracles. While you're waiting for the big miracle, what will motivate you more is the small movement. Just start. Start small, start shaky, start unsure,

start before you're confident, start before it makes sense. Start with what you have, not with what you wish you had. Start ugly, start unprepared, start imperfect, but make sure you start. Step five, this time expect the plot twist. What people don't realize is that as you start building, as you start growing, you start to think

that everything's going to plan. And here's what I realized. So many of us are surprised by the plot twist that we shock ourselves into paralysis. I saw an amazing post the other day on social media and it showed two sets of water cups. The top water cups all had the equal amount of water in them and on top it said this is what we think consistency looks like. On the second line of water cups one was half full, one was three quarters full, one was a quarter full and it said this is what consistency actually looks like. We think when we're in the zone, every day is going to be the same. I'm gonna work out five days a week every week for 12 months. The reality is

one week you may work out three times, the next seven times, the next four times, the next two times, the next five times. That's what consistency actually looks like. But when you hold on to that plan of five days a week, perfect workouts, you actually feel further and further away from it. Expect the plot twist. According to positive psychology research by Dr. Sonja Lubomirsky, people who are happier long term tend to be more psychologically flexible. They can hold multiple truths at once.

So for example, stop saying this wasn't the plan. Try thinking this wasn't the plan but it might be part of something better. This is the shift we need to make. This wasn't the plan but this might lead to something better. All of a sudden the neural pathways of opportunities open up in your mind. All of a sudden you see the possibilities, not just the pain. You're not negating. You're not disregarding what you're feeling. There can be grief, there can be stress, but you're opening up this vision.

Think of the best people you admire. The ones with depth, character, soul. None of them got there without a plot twist. As the famous saying goes, sometimes the plan not working is the plan working. Sometimes things going wrong is actually them going right. Sometimes things that look like a curse end up being the blessing. If you are open to see it, if you're open to view it, if you're open to the

possibilities and opportunities. And step number six, let curiosity lead you forward. When things fall apart, don't rush to the next big fix. Instead, follow curiosity. Research from neuroscientist Dr. Mary Helen Imore Dino-Yang shows that curiosity activates a deeper cognitive state tied to purpose and resilience. When you ask what if, instead of what now, you open doors instead of closing them. Journal about this.

Think of a time in your life where you were convinced it was the end, it was a failure, and it was the worst thing that could have happened to you and how it became an opportunity for something you never imagined. That's what's amazing. When things don't go to plan, you get the opportunity to build off plan. When things don't go as you imagined, things can actually turn out better than you could have ever thought of. Open your mind to that.

Reflect on this. What if this is the exact moment I was meant to reset? So, I get it. Life hasn't gone to plan lately. And it's the worst. It's hard. It's tough. it's difficult. But remember this, the plan was never the point.

The growth was and the goal was. You don't need to know what comes next. You just need to know that this is not the end. This is the part where you choose how the story continues. Thank you so much for listening. If this helped you, share it with someone who else is in there in between. And remember, sometimes this is what it takes.

I want you to remember, you'll get to where you want in life, just not in the way you imagined it. You don't have to give up on the goal, you just have to focus on the growth. I'll catch you in the way you imagined it. You don't have to give up on the goal. You just have to focus on the growth. I'll catch you in the next episode. Leave a comment. Let me know which journal impromptu you're doing, what you're reflecting on.

I want to see what's connecting with you, what you're engaging with. And remember, keep moving. You're not lazy. You're tired. You're not behind. You're human. Not every thought is truth. Some are just noise.

Not every voice in your head deserves a microphone. You've survived every hard day so far. You're allowed to speak to yourself with respect. Growth sounds like kindness, not cruelty. You don't get stronger by tearing yourself down. If you loved this episode, you'll enjoy my interview with Dr. Daniel Amon on how to change your life by changing your brain. If we want a healthy mind, it actually starts with a healthy brain.

You know, I've had the blessing or the curse to scan over a thousand convicted felons and over a hundred murderers and their brains are very damaged. This podcast is supported by BetterHelp, offering licensed therapists you can connect with via video, phone, or chat. Here's BetterHelp Head of Clinical Operations Hesu Joe discussing who can benefit from therapy. I think a lot of people think that you're supposed to be going to therapy once you're like having panic attacks every day, but before you get to that point, I think once you start even noticing that you feel a little bit off and you can't maintain this harmony that you once had in

relationships, that could be a sign that maybe you want to go talk to somebody. There's always a benefit in talking to someone because we can all benefit from improved insight about ourselves and who we are and how we behave with other people. So if you're human, that's like a good indicator that you could benefit from talking to somebody. Find out if therapy is right for you. Visit betterhelp.com today. That's betterHELP.com. Hi I'm Radhita Vlukya and I am the host of a really good cry podcast. And I had the opportunity to talk to Davey Brown with women, any kind of thing where

there might be this underlying edge of self sacrifice as martyrdom. If you're never filling, you're telling yourself a story and you're actually avoiding what you should be doing. You got to get in, you got to get your hands dirty. Listen to A Really Good Cry on the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. This week on Dear Chelsea with me, Chelsea Handler, Maren Morris is here.

You came out of a marriage, you came out of quote unquote country music, and you had a huge growth spurt from what I can tell. I was expanding and growing at a really fast pace. And yes, you could throw motherhood and the postpartum thing, learning about myself. There were a lot of of identity crises going on, but I realized I can't look back and slow down for people.

Listen to Dear Chelsea on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. This is an iHeart Podcast.