On Purpose with Jay Shetty - Jay & His Wife Radhi ON: How to Stop Parenting Your Partner & The “Perfect” Relationship Myth

Episode Date: February 13, 2023

You can order my new book 8 RULES OF LOVE at 8rulesoflove.com or at a retail store near you. You can also get the chance to see me live on my first ever world tour. This is a 90 minute interactive show where I will take you on a journey of finding, keeping and even letting go of love. Head to jayshettytour.com and find out if I'll be in a city near you. Thank you so much for all your support - I hope to see you soon.Today, we welcome back a very special guest, one who’s very dear to my heart, my other half, Radhi Devlukia-Shetty. Radhi and I sit down for our yearly check-in as we answer questions about relationships and marriage. Come join us and let’s discover the beauty of open communication, supportive partnership, and setting new goals together this year.  This episode was shot at The Grove in Hertfordshire, U.KWhat We Discuss:00:00:00 Intro00:04:18 What do you love most about each other?00:08:38 What have you learned along the way?00:13:25 Are you a parent, child, or partner?00:20:05 When does your partner become annoying?00:29:29 Your happiness is your perfection00:38:05 Be a guru in your relationship00:47:35 The things you no longer prioritize00:53:55 Top 3 things you’re looking for in a partner01:02:05 Going deeper into the relationship in less time01:05:06 What are your goals this year?Episode Resources:Radhi Devlukia-Shetty | InstagramRadhi Devlukia-Shetty | YouTubeConscious CookingWant to be a Jay Shetty Certified Life Coach? Get the Digital Guide and Workbook from Jay Shetty https://jayshettypurpose.com/fb-getting-started-as-a-life-coach-podcast/See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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Listen to the one you feed on the I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. I think a lot of the time in relationships, you make someone feel broken because you keep fixing them. Whereas if you teach people out of heal themselves, then you've actually helped them. So I always tell people that loving someone means you make them fall more in love with themselves, not more in love with you. Welcome back to on purpose, the number one health podcast in the world. Thanks to each and every one of you that come back every week to become happier, healthier

and more healed. And I am so excited to be talking to you today. I can't believe it. My new book, Eight Rules of Love is out. And I cannot wait to share it with you. I am so, so excited for you to read this book. For you to listen to this book, I read the audiobook. If you haven't got it already,

make sure you go to eight rules of love.com. It's dedicated to anyone who's trying to find, keep, or let go of love. So if you've got friends that are dating, broken up, or struggling with love, make sure you grab this book. And I'd love to invite you to come and see me for my global tour, love rules. Go to jsheditour.com to learn more information about tickets, VIP experiences and more. I can't wait to see you this year.

Now today's guest is someone who's so hard to book, like literally like the most difficult we we book these incredible guests every single week and this person just like just, it's so hard to find a spot in their schedule, like no matter how much you try, like we've been working with their team for the last two years. This guest hasn't come on the show for the last two years. We took my other one and only, my heart, my wife, Rady Devloot here.

Ha! Two years, it took to get you back on the show. I didn't even realize it's been two years, but also, what do we have to talk about every year? A yearly podcast? Also, I'm busy. So annual check-in. I know, is it?

Yeah, and I'm so sorry. Are sharing our challenges, our wins, our... I know, I know. I can't believe it's been two years though. It's been two years since you've been on a podcast. It doesn't feel like it. Yeah, it doesn't feel like that. But thank you for having me back on.

Yeah, I know. Sometimes it's just hard to like... Number one, help podcast in the world. Sometimes it's hard to get you to walk from the house to the studio. I know, I know. It's like 10 steps. Also. Come on.

Eight rules of love. Where's the jingle? I know, I need to come up with one. I did have one for think like a monk, didn't I? I know. Yeah. Do you remember the thing like a monk one? Ding, that.

No. Ding, that. Take a mind. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I know, I do it. Thank you remember the thing like a mung bean? Think that. No. Think that. Think that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just made it. I know. I'm going to come up with one for that.

Okay. Yeah. When? It's going to be more of a wrap, I feel like, because we've got a number in it. But the book's already out. I know, I know, I know. I'm channeling. What if someone makes a jingle before?

I need to read the book, and then I'll get inspiration from it. Oh yeah, Rady doesn't read my book. I'm going to, I actually finish thinking, well, nearly finish with things like a monk. I've taken a break from it. It was just so good. I need time to digest. Eight rules of love.

I'm going to start on the plane journey today. And I say, listening to the podcast a month ago, it's a brilliant podcast. Everyone who's listening, you should listen to all the other five, 300 episodes. How many have you done? Four years, 150 episodes. No. Four years, 100 episodes a year, so 400. Oh my gosh, I've got so much to catch up on, but it's really good, honestly. Thanks. I appreciate it. So we're actually recording this in a place that's quite meaningful to Radee and I, when we first started dating, this was a place that we'd come for walks, for tea, for hanging out together, it's the Grove Hotel, it's a beautiful, beautiful place, and we're so grateful that today

we're getting to record this podcast here. I can't wait to go outside and take a walk here and enjoy the grounds. It's a really special place to us, So excited to be here at the Grove. Yeah, I love this place. I love it, but this is gonna be fun, because as always, what we do and Raddy's on the show is we answer questions that my team comes up with. So my team will randomly find ideas and thoughts

and topics for us to talk about. We have no idea, we've never seen them. And so you truly get a genuine roar or a thought to come to us. Yeah, I mean, I do what we're going to talk about. From me and rather we have no idea. I will be bringing up some stuff. Riley's been working on in the background, which I'm excited about. But yeah, all right, so the first question our team wants us to answer is,

what was the first, what would it, what would it, what would it, so what our team wants us to start with is, what did we love each other? So what did the question that our team wants us to answer first is, what did we love most about each other first? What did we love? What do we love most about each other now? What's changed? What's different and why? Well said, well done, you're good at this. I should basically be the host of this show. You should basically have a podcast. I should have a podcast. Okay, so I feel like it's pretty much still the same stuff that was from the beginning. You're very consistently the same person in a really good way. Like you're a solid human.

You really are like the same. Why are you laughing? It's the same stuff really. Same stuff in like the best way because you have been consistently the same person. You said you were the things that you would be at the beginning of the relationship, you are still that person all the good stuff and what would they be? Let me tell you they are

Hey, you know what's funny about this. I'm not a pda person and I feel like this is where the podcast gets it all because It's a consistent like questions about it. You're extremely honest about who you are at the beginning, which I think was really important. Like, you always told me what you are happy to do, not happy to do, your priorities, your values. The main thing is your integrity between what you say and what you do and who you are on camera and who you are off camera.

It's literally the same person. Like, what you talk about is the same person is who you are behind camera, it's literally the same person. Like what you talk about is the same person is who you are behind closed doors. And I think that that's such a beautiful quality because I think like living with integrity allows you to give yourself so authentically, which means that you're able to just give love constantly because you're constantly fueled by yourself,

but also you're just forever living in alignment, which is the, like, people feel that energy from you. And I feel like I feel that every single day, which is really cool. Thanks for that. I actually think that what I loved about you when we first met was that you've always been absolutely adorable. You're absolutely hilarious. You're still one of five. Almost something more. I, I, I, I, I, I, no, I'm saying what when we first met, you're, you're, you absolutely hilarious. You're still one of the five. How about something more? I'm saying what when we first met.

You're hilarious. I think you're one of the funniest people I know. You make me laugh all the time. And I think I loved that I could always be myself around you. I never felt judged. And I never felt I had to be a certain person. I never felt like I had to perform or act in a certain way. And I think you really give people permission. I don't think you just do that with me. I think you like I had to perform or act in a certain way. And I think you really give people permission. I don't think you just do that with me. I think you do that with

everyone. You give everyone permission to be who they are. And they don't feel pressurized to impress you or change who they are, mold themselves to be more important to you. You like to make everyone feel important for who they are. And I also fell in love with just how positive you are in a sense of not positive in the way people think about it. Like, oh, you're just happy about everything. But positive in the sense that you never liked gossiping about people or you never liked criticizing people

or you never liked comparing yourself to other people. Like, you were very happy to let people live their own lives and not get involved in anything negative to do with them but be happy within yourself and I thought that was beautiful. Thanks. And I think what's changed, and obviously I still love you for all the same things, but I think what's really amazing is I think you've been on a huge journey to get to know yourself over the last few years. So we've been together now for nearly 10 years.

Yeah. And we've been married for seven, nearly. And I feel like in the last seven years, you've truly found yourself and we've discovered who you are. No, trying to. Or what your values are. And yeah, trying, but a lot has been revealed. And I think I love you for going on that journey so confidently

when you were scared to move to New York when we first got married. So from going from the person who were scared to move to New York when we first got married. So if I'm going from the person who is scared to move to a new city and a new country, which is fair enough to be scared for, so now be someone who's used that as a way of learning about yourself and becoming more confident in who you are, I love you for that because I think that that takes a lot of courage and I think that it would have been easy to be negative about that, but you didn't do that. Thanks. Yeah. Amazing. This is fun.

Wonderful. Brilliant. So the next topic that we're going to discuss is, rather than I have been on a crazy adventure in the last seven years, we've moved country, we've moved state, we've moved apartments, we've moved homes. And the question is, how is our relationship changed? How has it been impacted by all of this

and what have we learned along the way? I think it's really interesting going back to that first question we answered, because I feel like I've stayed so much the same. Yeah. I look at how it's affected me as being very similar in the sense that I've just kept my head down, I've kept working, I've kept building, kept growing,

kept trying to do my best. But I think that it just made me realize how not codependent and how tolerant you are. It's really interesting to me. I don't think, and this is to your credit, it's, again, I think I'm a good partner, but more to your credit that in the last seven years, you've never once said to me, you don't spend enough time with me, you're never around

or you don't listen to me. And like that is amazing. Like I think that requires so much maturity from you to be so happy in yourself and finding your own self. Because I think even though I never want you to feel those things, like I feel like I'm sensitive to those things as well, I still feel like if I told you, have have got to jump on a flight tomorrow. I'm going to be gone for two weeks That would just be normal to you like you wouldn't ever make me feel bad or guilty about that And so I think that it's made me appreciate you more because we've actually been through so many of the biggest changes

There's a study that showed like the changes that stress people out the most and even put stress on relationships and it's moving countries up there, moving job is up there, moving home is up there and then I think it's having kids. So we've literally done three out of the four, constantly over the last seven years and the fact that we've constantly found a way to find our way back to each other and connect with each other and had the openness to not just point the finger and blame or I've just never felt like it's been my fault if life's been harder or easier. And so there were times when we were close to being four months away from being broke and you didn't change how you felt.

And now that things are better, you haven't changed towards me. And so I just feel like that kind of support is really special where you just feel like someone's consistently in your corner. And that's all I feel with you. Thanks. I do feel this, thanks. I think again it goes back to the consistency because you're the same person. It's not been something that you didn't. It was always on the table, like change was always on the table.

I think now my perspective has changed in the sense of before I felt like I really knew where I would be living, what I would be doing, you know, before we got married, I had an idea of what that would be. Now I feel like I live more day to day, year to year, not even like expecting what the next year is going to bring or like not allowing myself to build expectations of what the next year is going to bring because I know that changes just always happening. And I think I used to be someone who was quite scared of change generally, and this has really helped me not be like that, because we've had so many changes,

that it's all, I feel like it's a better way of living where there's no expectation of what's coming next. You just kind of live in the flow of what's happening. So yeah, I think in that respect, I think the change, change part for me was scary at the beginning, but became something that I was quite excited to embrace because it felt like,

it kind of felt more like freedom rather than like even though, I, even though when you're not in control, you feel like that wouldn't be freedom, actually not expecting to be in control and not knowing what's going to happen feels more free than having that control or thinking you have that control. But then also I have those times where I'm like, oh, this is great. And then the next minute, I'm like, I just want to go away to a forest and do, like, and

just hide away. I feel like I go in, like, such two different directions. And I feel like you deal with that really well because I am someone who can go from being like so excited about something to then being like, oh, I just wanna delete my Instagram and go live in a forest for like six weeks and not talk to anyone and you're like, okay. Okay, that's what you need.

And so yeah, no, I know. I have quite like an erraticness about me. So I feel like you handled that pretty well. I think you've handled the change remarkably well. I don't know anyone else would be able to handle how much change you've been through. Yeah, I've handled that. The way you have. So in my book, Eight Rules of Love, I talk about how we play different roles in relationships. And if you have the book, there's a relationship roles quiz, so you can find out which role you've been playing.

In previous relationships or in this one, so the team of us asked us to answer the question, if we're usually a parent, a partner, or a child in a relationship, where do we find those dynamics in the way we connect with each other? So where do you feel? Let's start with, where do we feel where the parents? Um, where the parents? I think you've been my parent when it comes to eating healthy. Yeah, I get the look. Imagine I had like lots of sugar right now,

in front of me. Like, how would you, okay? Like, so you're the parent when it comes to my food, because I'm the kid when it comes to food. Like, I'm the kid who wants to eat sour patch kids. I'm the kid who wants to eat candy. I'm the kid who wants to eat chocolate. Like, that's all I want to do because of my mom

who's sitting here as well. My mom fed me four chocolate products a day when I was growing up, chocolate biscuit, chocolate yoga, chocolate bar, chocolate ice cream, so I became addicted. And then this parent has been unlearning me from eating sugar, so yeah, that's where you're definitely. I also love some sugar in my life. Yeah, but you're a bit more.

Yeah, yeah. You've had to wean me off of it. So yeah, you've been a parent when it comes to that. I've been a child. You're definitely been a parent in, you know, they call it like midlife crisis. I have like a weekly or monthly crisis. You're definitely the parent and I say, I'm like, I don't know what I'm doing.

I don't know what I'm doing right now. I don't know whether what I'm doing is the right thing. I don't know whether I love it. I don't know whether I like it. I don't know who I am. That's pretty much what happens every month. And you're definitely the parent in that situation. Yeah.

A parent slash partner like you, you're not like telling me what to do, you're kind of guiding me through it. So I say also I feel like you're not very parenting in many. You're not parenting the health stuff either like I've always said like I've never said. Yeah I know what you mean. Judged and criticized or like it's not like you're like oh tell me. But like guidance. The guy yeah yeah. The person who's making you looking after you when you're being child like being child like. I definitely am that in that situation. I think that I'm running late for things, and getting to places on time,

and making sure I actually follow through with things, plan out my life. I feel like I'm a child sometimes when I'm like, like just being literally being a child. I'm just like, love me now. Like just being like a kid about like wanting attention and just being a bit moody. And-

You're like, you don't like throw yourself on the floor and throw it at your own time. No, I'm close to it sometimes. I was just like, I was just like, I was just like, I was just putting my voice on sometimes. I was just like, I'm doing that. So then that's when I'm like being a sometimes. I'll still put that voice on sometimes. I did find out I'm doing that. So then that's when I'm like being a child, for sure. When else?

I think that's it. I don't think you're much of a child in that respect. So parent and then, oh, we were in child now. No parent child and partner. So partner's when you're like actually supporting each other. Yeah. And I think we do that overall. I say that that's overall well-loved and dark.

I think you've been my partner for my health. I think you've been a great partner when it comes to encouraging me to exercise more and work out. Like when we met, I did so much for my mind, but I never exercised my body. I just played sports, or I walked, and I thought that was enough. And you were the one who was training me and encouraging me and educating me, and then during the pandemic,

we worked out together nearly every day, which I miss. Because then she left me to work out with people who actually know how to work out. So educating me, and then during the pandemic, we worked out to get the needy everyday, which I miss, because then she left me to work out with people who actually know how to work out. So like with me, you like- What you saying about me? No, that's what I'm saying. As in like you were,

I left you. You left me to work out with people who actually know how to work out. Because that was you parenting me, like you'd be like, that's what I call. This is what we do. This is what we do, that's what you call a squat,

like you know, and then all of a sudden, now you're just a real workout class, so I'm not allowed to come to this. Yeah, I know you are. Yeah, I wouldn't want to come. No. I feel like you partner, again, just data stuff, but I definitely think you helped me to have, like, figure out my own voice through not just giving to me

what I'm asking for but to help me see my own journey through figuring it out. And I think that takes a lot because it kind of is, it takes a lot of patience to do that and I think it's the easier option is actually just being like, okay, here, just do this and just, you know, this is how you can fix this and this is how you do this. And I always, I'm someone who has a habit of not being certain in my own decisions. And so I think you really help to let me navigate even though I'd be like, no, just tell me, like, what should I do? And you're like, no, I'm not telling you what to do. Like, I'm going to show you how you can get to the answer.

You wouldn't say this, but that's how you would act. Like, I'm going to show you how to get to the answer, but I'm not going to just give it to you like that because then you're never going to be able to do that for yourself. And so I feel like you really did guide through that as partner. Yeah, I think a lot of the time in relationships, you make someone feel broken because you keep fixing them. Yeah. And if you keep fixing them, then that means they remain broken. And then whenever they feel broken,

they have to run to you and depend on you. Whereas if you teach people how to heal themselves and navigate life themselves, then you've actually helped them. So I always tell people that loving someone means you make them fall more in love with themselves, not more in love with themselves. Not more in love with you.

And not more dependent on you. That's so true actually. And again, that takes so much more, I think that takes so much more patience to do it that way. Then it does to just be like, okay, fine, let me just do it for you. You know, it feels like the, it's actually the faster option. You think you're sacrificing more by being that person that's fixing. But actually, it's more of a selfish way of dealing with it From my experience of doing it for other people around me and in other relationships around me that you end up being someone who

Yeah, it's actually thinking about it's probably more of a selfish thing because it also allows you to feel more important Versus letting them feel their importance and their value. I think a lot of people love people and then feel their importance and their value. I think a lot of people love people being dependent on them. Definitely. Because it gives them a sense of significance. Definitely. Especially if you don't know what you're doing in your life, or if you feel like you're a bit lost, helping other people, and although that's a great thing when you help other people,

but the intention behind it and what you're receiving from it can make a huge difference in how you actually feel about it. So, like, if you're helping someone through intention of genuinely caring for them, genuinely helping them, or are you helping them because it fuels you into feeling valuable. And therefore, like for me, I remember used to be just a way that I would throw myself into.

So I didn't have to think about what I was doing in my life or how to figure out my own things. It was just, oh, this is oh, I need to be doing this. This person needs my help. I need to create this space for myself in their life because then I don't have to think about all the importance of what I actually need to deal with. So was the easier option and more of a self-ashoption.

Yeah, that's right, true. A good way to learn about a place is to talk to the people that live there. There's just this sexy vibe, a Montreal, this pulse right, true. A good way to learn about a place is to talk to the people that live there. There's just this sexy vibe and Montreal, this pulse, this energy. What was seen as a very snotty city, people call it Bosedangeless. New Orleans is a town that never forgets its pay. A great way to get to know a place is to get invited to a dinner party. Hi, I'm Brendan Friends' newdom, and not lost is my new travel podcast where a friend and I go places, see the sights, and try to finagle our way into a dinner party.

We're kind of trying to get invited to a dinner party. It doesn't always work out. I would love that, but I have like a Cholala who is aggressive towards strangers. I love the dogs. We learn about the places we're visiting, yes, but we also learn about ourselves. I don't spend as much time thinking about how I'm going to die alone when I'm traveling, but I get to travel with someone I love. Oh, see, I love you too. And also, we get to eat as much... I love you too. My life's a lot of therapy goes behind that.

You're so white, I love it. Listen to Not Lost on the iHeart Radio App or wherever you get your podcasts. Hi, I'm David Eagleman. I have a new podcast called Inner Cosmos on iHeart radio app or wherever you get your podcasts. Hi, I'm David Eagleman. I have a new podcast called Inner Cosmos on iHeart. I'm a neuroscientist and an author at Stanford University, and I've spent my career exploring the three-pound universe in our heads. On my new podcast, I'm going to explore the relationship

between our brains and our experiences by tackling unusual questions so we can better understand our lives and our realities. Like, does time really run in slow motion when you're in a car accident? Or, can we create new senses for humans? Or, what does dreaming have to do with the rotation of the planet? So join me weekly to uncover how your brain steers your behavior, your perception, and your reality. Listen to Intercosmos with David Eagelman on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. podcasts.

Our 20s are seen as this golden decade. Our time to be carefree, full in love, make mistakes, and decide what we want from our life. But what can psychology really teach us about this decade? I'm Gemma Speg, the host of the psychology of your 20s. Each week, we take a deep dive into a unique aspect of our 20s from career anxiety, mental health, heartbreak, money, friendships, and much more to explore the science and the psychology behind our experiences.

Incredible guests, fascinating topics, important science, and a bit of my own personal experience. Audrey, I honestly have no idea what's going on with my life. Join me as we explore what our 20s are really all about. From the good, the bad, and the ugly, and listen along as we uncover how everything is psychology, including our 20s. The psychology of your 20s hosted by me, Gemma Speg, now streaming on the iHeart Radio app, Apple podcasts or whatever you get your podcasts. So the next topic is that sometimes

your partner can be extremely annoying or you find them annoying. In that case, when of me and Radee ever experienced that, when is that as far as a deal breaker and how to deal with feeling annoyed by your partner? I don't think you've annoyed me. Wow. You're not an annoying person in that way. I feel like there are things that irritate me and I have a... I don't really remember stuff like that, but...

This is the best thing when... Yeah, I have a terrible memory. You forget the bad stuff and you forget the good stuff. Forget it all. You can't have one or the other you either have you have both. But I would I would say that obviously there are times where I've got agitated and been really snappy. I definitely have more of a short fuse than you do and I have a not tantrums. I wouldn't call them tantrums but I definitely can be more defensive and have

more of an ego about arguing, but that's very difficult when the other person doesn't have that, and that's probably the most annoying thing that you do, that it's like I want to have a fight, and you're just like trying to resolve it within the first three seconds when I'm still in fight mode, and I'm going to forget this thing, just fight a little bit, like please, just give me something and he's just always trying to just make things better so annoying that's it really no come on I must do something no yeah that is the thing that annoys me

as in because sometimes you just need to have a fight sometimes you just need to like argue out say things things you don't mean, you know, just really, I know I don't say things that I mean. I don't say things that I mean, but what I mean is just like, sometimes you just want to have it out. You never said something mean. And with you, it's like me going, and you're going, that's basically how our fights go. You've never said something mean to me. No, okay, I don't. I don't say that's true. I'm very thoughtful about my words, like I really, with everybody that I talk to and that I argue with, I may say things irrationally,

but I never say things I don't mean, or I'm very specific with my words. But I'm just saying sometimes I like to, you know, have a bit of a tip. Yeah, I would agree that I genuinely don't believe you've ever said something you don't mean, or said something. Like I don't think you've said something harsh. You might be upset with me or irritates your owner. I think I just go silent, or I don't think you've said something harsh. You might be upset with me or it isn't a broader.

I think I just go silent or I don't say things. That's probably the thing that annoys you. No, not anymore. That used to, but I talk about that in the book. Oh, do you? I've never known about that. Oh. That's the other thing.

You know what? The other thing is, I never know what's going to be in podcasts. Never know what's going to be podcast. Never know what's going to be in a book. I didn't even know that there was going to be a love book, but somehow there's a book about love and it happens to do with us. I'm quite private with certain things. And then suddenly it's all over the news.

It's everywhere. And I just want to say, think about it. I'm like, I don't think I had a choice in this. No. So does that know you there? I think there is certain times. I'm like, oh, but I also think it's like a personal choice of how much you want to share about different parts

of your life. And I think it's like. That was realizing it. No, not in a bad way. So I think you are just someone that really wears your heart on your sleeve, you're someone who wants to share things to give lessons and experiences to people. You're never someone who shares to show off.

You're never someone who shares to prove a point to anybody like you are so wise with how you share things and that's why it's not an annoying thing, I don't mean an annoying thing, but it's one of those things I'm sure there are different types of partners where one person's like way more, like everybody always says to me like oh my god you're so eccentric, I can't believe that you don't like doing things in public or that you don't. And it's such an interesting thing because your nature is like, your nature is to be around people in front of people in terms of like, you are so,

you exude that, you thrive of it. Like that's when I think that that's when your nature is, it's when you thrive of something, like part of it at least. Whereas for me, it's something I definitely learn to grow into and it's something that I absolutely love. I love sharing things with people but I think the way that you share like you're a very open person and so it's less annoying thing is just something I ran into.

Actually I don't know like some people would tell me oh I've had this about you on the podcast and I was like oh my god I didn't even know that was on the podcast or like I didn't even know this was in the book. And so I think it's just, it's different ways and it's just understanding the person's intention behind it. So it doesn't upset me. I think I'm very different in terms of how I share about us. But it's like, it's you're also in the relationship.

Yeah, but I really appreciate that kind of lens to it because I think someone else could be upset. But you're right, I only share our ups or downs or challenges because I want people to recognize that there is no perfect partnership. And I think when we first started sharing about our relationship. That's why I stopped.

Yeah, that's why I stopped. Because I hate being seen, like I find it really suffocating when if people think anything about perfection to do with me because I know I'm not that person, I'm not that person in the race, I'm like, trust me, he wrote this book for me to read because I mean the stuff that's in the book, but like I genuinely don't feel

that I'm a perfect person. And so I find it really suffocating and kind of difficult to handle. No, and so do I, and so do I, and that's my point, that the reason why I started talking about, oh, you're right, so you get a tissue. Oh, you're okay. You're all right.

You don't tissue, but you want some more to. Okay, well, that was so beautiful. Oh, sorry. Oh, thanks. Thanks, man. Sorry. Just break your mic. I'm a cry everyone, okay? I'm happy. I'm angry. I'm a cry everyone, okay? I cry when I'm happy, I cry when I'm angry, I cry when I'm sad.

I cry with every emotion, it's just how I release things. For anyone who doesn't know that, I've spoken about that thousand times, so don't worry if you see me cry. I'm not telling you to stop crying. No, I know, I'm just telling the... That's actually why I started to share, and we always did, but like share like fights that we had or challenges that we had or things like that because I just found that I too don't ever want to portray

a perfect image of me, of me and you, of anything in my life because no one's perfect, we're all making mistakes, we're all a work in progress. And the last thing I want is for people to think that me and you never fight or that me and you have it all figured out or that we're not having to transition and grow because we have to do all those things all the time And I think the mistake that happens there sometimes with like obviously like the question I the question I get asked all the time now that even a book about love obviously is like oh my gosh And you are you're like just to be clear jays literally like one of the most amazing partners you could ever ask for but They assume that the relationship is just like I just don't like the idea of perfection.

I find that with my stuff as well, like because people think that you're just a positive person. And same with you, you must get that all the time where you're like, oh my gosh, you must never get upset. And you must, you just seem happy all the time. And I'm like, and then it makes you want to kind of be like, oh, I'm sad today, everyone. And I'm like, I choose what I share because I don't want to share that energy with people because I know the energy I want other people to feel when they watch my things or when they experience it.

That doesn't mean I don't harness that energy within me. It's what I then choose to let other people experience. And I think that's also important to know what you're giving out to people. I know that if someone's sad around me, that's going to make me sad. And so.

I'm sorry. And when people are happy, it's the same thing. And so I'd rather give off contagious, happy energy than sad, but that doesn't mean people don't feel it. Yeah, definitely, definitely. I fully agree with you. This is for my LA listeners exclusively. It's a month of love, so I had to do something special. And that includes self-love too. I fully agree with you. inspires and enhances both your mind and body. Me and Rade came up with Joyo and I'm so happy to announce that Joyo is collaborating

with AirOne and guess what? My love potion launches on Valentine's Day at all AirOne stores located in the Los Angeles area. So make sure to go to your favorite AirOne store on February 14th and ask for Jay's love potion. I can't wait for you to try it. Also, if you don't already follow Joyo on Instagram, go to At Drink Joyo because we'll be selecting one lucky winner and giving them a $20 Air One gift card. I can't wait for you to try my love potion. Make sure you head to Air 1 from 14th February onwards.

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Babbles' interactive lessons and speech recognition technology make it easy and fun to learn a new language. Right now, get up to 55% off your subscription when you go to babble.com-on-purpose. That's babble.com-on- purpose for up to 55% of your subscription. Babble, language for life. And that's why I talk about, I mean I constantly be talking about like when I get irritated or when I get agitated or like I always talk about how I get more moody and I can get snappy and all those things with you. And that's why I talk about in the book about how when I get,

when we have a fight, I want to solve it. When we have a fight, you want to hide. And so I call it venting and hiding. And then there's another one called exploding, which are the three fight styles. Exploding is when someone just wants to let all their emotions out. And we found a way when the beginning, when you used to want to hide, I, you take some time out, and I wanted to vent. In the beginning, I used to think you didn't care. And so I literally would feel like you didn't love me as much, who you didn't care as much. And I would say that to you, only to realize

that none of that was true, what I realized was, that's just how you process an argument, and learning that that's how you process an argument, and that what I'm doing isn't right, it's just how I process an argument, helps you realize that you could actually be on the same team and then saying, okay, let's get back to this in 12, 24 hours. We can actually come back having digested what the problem is and talk about the problem. And so I shared those kind of examples of our relationship in order to help people

understand that even I used to think you didn't love me because you wanted to not talk to me for two days Yeah, but that's not true You just need a time to think about it and just because I wanted to talk about it now doesn't mean I care more But that's how we think about things we all think we care more in the way we act right or that someone else cares less Yeah, and so Yeah, and I yeah, I think it's just it's that thing of whenever you're sharing things about, you know, you share so many different topics and there's so many things that you speak on. And, you know, when it was purpose, I'm sure you've got lots of questions about purpose.

When it's love, you get so many questions about love. And I just think there's this like, I, I think I'm still learning to deal with you. I feel like you have this thing of not, you're very good at digesting, not really knowing what your intentions are, knowing what your grounded in, knowing your purpose, and therefore what other people's perception of that is, doesn't affect you as much. I think I'm still working through the pressure of perfection,

which I'm just like, it's so hard to be like, I'm just not perfect. I'm not happy all the time. I'm not this all the time, but it's very difficult to vocalize that in a way that's not like, okay, you're just saying that we're good.

You know, it's so hard to communicate it to people if they've already got that perception of you. And I think that's why sometimes I hide away or shy away from like discussing certain things, because for me, it's like, I just, I find that too difficult to, at the moment, something that I'm dealing with myself of like, that's not what, like whenever, yeah, that's just the phase of my life that I'm in right now. I think everyone in the world is looking for perfection. Yeah, but it's someone else. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, but there's a part of us.

Totally, you want to know like, what is that? Totally, yeah, yeah, like everyone. And it's like, once you know, biggest perfection in, when I think about it and have tried to think about that mindset. It's like, okay, because perfection equals happiness in minds. And I can understand, like whenever I see someone who I think, whatever perfect is to me has that perfect life, I'm like, oh, that is what happy is. And I think it's just through my own thing of whenever I've got the things that I think

mean perfection or what people, like the things that people perceive of you as being perfect, you're like, that doesn't make me feel happy at all. Like those things that you're saying to me, or messaging me, saying that, oh, you've got this, which is like, that's like the perfect this, or whether it's to do with physical appearance, or mental state, or whatever it is, it's's like there's so many parts to perfection that people think equal perfection, but it's like when you hear that from the other side, I'm like, oh wow, that's perfection,

that hasn't made me happy. And so I think there's, for me, when I think about perfection, now, it's like, I've realized stripping back so much to be like, what is, what would make me the most happy? And that's what perfection is. And to me right now, it's really leaning

back into my spiritual journey and like really trying to harness that, because I know that was the only thing that made me so happy, not only. But like the main thing that made me so happy and that includes the people around you who really support that. But I think when you end up just constantly hearing what perfect is and what people think you are as being perfect.

It stops you from actually being yourself. And I'm like, this year I just want to be so much more less trying to be what other people's perception of me is and just be just, yeah. Yeah, I love that. Yeah. And I don't think there's a perfect person. I don't think there's a perfect partner. I think there's just navigating our imperfections and figuring them out. And the reason I wrote a book about love was not because I'm a love expert or a love guru or because I think I know everything about love

or that we have a perfect love. I wrote about it because I think I'm fascinated by it. Totally, yeah. I wanted to spend time studying it and learning about it. And I wanted to be able to share insights and frameworks that I've created to not just manage our relationship, but manage and coach other people's relationships that I've worked with.

And so what I'm sharing in the book is, there is no story of a perfect love that we have. No, no, no. It doesn't exist in the book. There is no perfect story, even our proposal story. I tell as a mistake and say, no, went wrong wrong and not wrong because you were upset or because you were sad wrong because it made me realize I was just trying to love you in the way that I thought the

movies taught us how to love. I wasn't loving you in the way that you wanted to be loved. No, but I think the tours and the frameworks that you've even shared with me have been so useful for not just our relationship but like every relationship that I have. So I personally think like everything that you've even taught me in the relationship has been applicable to every relationship that I have. And I think like genuinely think you're like the perfect person to write this book because it is so much about you've spent so much time and so much energy build. Like the relationships that you have, not even just romantic relationships, the relationships that you have with people,

that for me has been like the, when you have a qualification, but not the qualification, whatever that way is, but the qualification for you to write the book, like because seeing your relationships with people, how deep they are, how genuine they are, how authentic they are, like that is, that in itself is the most beautiful thing

because it's so hard to build relationships in the world. Through all of this stuff that happens, throughout life, through the barriers that we've put up, through the social media filters, through every filter, there's so many filters that we end up having throughout our life now, especially because you're exposed to so many people, the more people you're exposed to,

the more you feel like you have to adapt, the more you feel like you have to adapt, the more you feel like you have to change, and sometimes you're putting on different clothes and different things, not clothes, but different clothes and layers to be different people for different people. And I think you are someone who literally, through every relationship I have seen,

remain the same person, you react to things in the same way, you treat things in the same way. You treat things in the same way. So this is me saying separately as your partner, saying that the way that you have cultivated relationships and really work through how you create authentic relationships, that for me is like, I want to read the book because of that. And that obviously applies to our relationship, the way that you communicate, the way that you share things.

It takes so much work to become that person and to just read the book to understand whether this is not a book plug, plug guys. I haven't read it yet, but I know it's gonna be good just because of having experienced that and seeing it like for 10 years day in, day out, the way that you are. And that's why people who are close to you

and the people that you have in your life and the way that you have created those relationships and the way that you have created those relationships. They're relationships that you have for years and years and years. Or they're not even if they're not, they're relationships that have got so deep, so far, that it's never been about the surface level stuff. And I think that is just so powerful and so amazing because I know I've had friendships, I've had friendships that I've had or relationships for years and years. And they still don't feel what they should feel like

because I haven't invested the time to figure out how to make it that. And each relationship is so individual that you have to invest that time. So if you want that relationship with someone and you want that friendship, you want that brother ship, whatever it is, it takes that time investment. It takes creating those frameworks, brother ship, whatever it is, it takes that time investment, it takes creating those frameworks,

it takes creating whatever it is, but it is an investment of time and energy. And I think that the amount of relationships that you've had throughout your life that have been so meaningful, that in itself shows that you have so much to share and wisdom to share on it. And so romantic plus other relationships, I think that's such an important skill that you have to much to share and wisdom to share on it. And so romantic plus other relationships,

I think that's such an important skill that you have to have through your life. And I feel like I'll be so sad if I got to the end of my life. And I was like, wow, I had all these friends, but like no real relationships. The whole thing we need as humans, I feel is to feel that connection.

And you can go 50, 60, 70, 80 years of your life, not even having one connection to someone in that way. And how sad to have missed out on 50, 60, 70, 80 years of your life, not even having one connection to someone in that way. And how sad to have missed out on life, sad I'm talking sad for me, not like, oh, that's sad. But like genuinely sad to go through a whole life's worth of living and not actually having experienced what a relationship means. Like that, that would just, you know, how unfulfilling that would be.

And so, yeah, I'm like, I genuinely am excited to read it because I feel like, and you're like, they're teaching me along the way, but sometimes it's hard to really hear from someone that you spend time with or like, that you really, that you, that you, not take for granted because I really value what you do, but you kind of take the words for granted when you're not studying it or when you're not actually in, you know, when you're not in a place to even receive it. And so I feel like I'm in that place right now where I really want to build deeper connections and I think that's why it's, yeah, I think it's such an important thing. From you, from other people, start listening to the podcast recently, I did.

This was, this was the question. The question was what did we find annoying about each other? Right. And you ended up. I did. I said that it's when you share things about me that I don't know about. It's something that genuinely annoys me. And also because it's seen from your perspective and you have like filter of your eyes when it comes to me

because you always think things I do are nice. When actually I can be a terror. But yeah, I changed the question, sorry. Yeah. So I have a chapter in this book called Your Partner is Your Guru. Yeah. the question sorry yeah so I have a chapter in this book called your partner is your guru yeah and this was inspired by you great amazing well really it was inspired from our tradition and the idea that

relationships are more about education and enlightenment than they are about entertainment yeah and I think that you get into relationships because of pleasure, but actually relationships of that last are ones in which you grow and which you find a purpose. Yeah. And I think that sounds really unsexy and uncool because people think like, oh well, my partner should just be someone I have fun with all the time. Yeah. And we have a lot of fun together. We've had a lot of fun over the last 10 years, for sure, without a doubt, like whether it was when we've traveled together, when we've started joyo together, when we've moved,

whether we, you know, we're in this tiny shoebox apartment or whatever it was, we've had a great time. But the greatest, great time is when you're learning and growing together, because you actually learn how to improve your relationship, and that's what makes your relationship better. So, when I talk about your partner as your guru, what I love is that, if you look at Eastern traditions, gurus are not the people who tell you what to do, or preach to you, or act smarter than you. The guru, like the monk gurus, they would

come and sit at the back of the class and listen to a young monk give a talk, like that's what gurus did. Or when you bow down to an elder guru, the guru would bow down to you on the floor even if they were twice your age. Like the guru was not a figure that made you feel inferior. It's not authoritative, it's not where you are. But the Guru was a figure that constantly made you feel like they believed in you and that you had potential and that you had value to offer. And so when I wrote this chapter called,

your partner is your Guru, I break down the qualities of a student and I break down the qualities of a Guru. And all of the qualities are a guru is generally your partner who believes in you and I found what I found in relationships is that it's so easy for you to be the most critical person of your partner. It's so easy for you to say that, oh yeah, you're just the worst and you're so like lazy and you're just like, you're not ambitious enough and you're not organized and not like, it's so easy And I found so many couples were in that space. Even if you don't say it, we feel that about our partners

because people say it to other people. The amount of people that come to me and say, my partner's not ambitious enough. He doesn't work hard enough. Like, oh, she doesn't understand enough. She's too clingy. Like, we have these negative views. And actually, we should be the ones

who see the potential in our partner. Of course, beyond any, and I make this very clear in the book, beyond any abusive or toxic relationships, we should what look at the potential in our partner, we should be the ones who are like making them feel like they can grow and become something. Of course, not ridiculous and stupid ways, but in a healthy way. That's why I think that when I wrote this chapter, one of the ways in which you've been my guru is that, and I've said this multiple times to other people, I don't think I've said it to you fully,

but I think that as I became more materially successful, I wanted you to love me more for my material success, and you didn't, like you just didn't budge. So even if I'd like win an award or I'd be number one or whatever I did, I never felt like you loved me more. And for a long time in our relationship, I just felt like you didn't love me, like because of that, because you didn't love me more.

And then when I would talk to you or I would hear about what you said to someone else and even when I listened to you today, it's like I'm constantly reminded that you love me for who I am, not what I achieve. And that has been the greatest guru thing that you've done, because I think I would have started to love myself for what I've achieved and not who I am if you love me for what I achieved and not who I am. And so that is such a subtle, intricate point.

But that's the kind of stuff that your partner can do for you because your partner actually sees you. And then in a more tangible way, you're the person like, if I'm practicing a talk to you, or I'm practicing something to you, or I read you a part of the book when I'm first writing it, you'll call me out and be like, that's average.

Or I don't like that. Or that's so great of that. Oh, that is crap. And it's like, your partner is only doing that. And you say this to me all the time when my ego gets in the way. And you'll be like, I'm only doing that because I want it to be amazing, because I care about you. The person who doesn't care about you is just going to be like, oh, that's amazing.

That's awesome. Just keep doing it. I don't want you to look stupid on stage tomorrow. I want you to think about it. And so I find that that also is how your partner's your guru because they're the only one who can coach you through your ego. Because if anyone else said that, I probably wouldn't take it.

But because you're saying it, I know she wants only what's for my benefit. And so I will listen more as well. This is what it sounds like inside the box car. I'm journalist and I'm Morton in my podcast, City of the Rails. I plung into the dark world of America's railroads, searching for my daughter Ruby, who ran off to hop train. I'm just like stuck on this train, not now where I'm going to end up, and I jump. Following my daughter, I found a secret city of unforgettable characters living outside

society, off the grid and on the edge. I was in love with a lifestyle and the freedom this community. No one understands who we truly are. The rails made me question everything I knew about motherhood, history, and the thing we call the American dream. It's the last vest call the American Dream. It's the last vestige of American freedom. Everything about it is extreme. You're either going to die or you can have this incredible rebirth and really understand who you are.

Come with me to find out what waits for us and the city of the rails. Listen to City of the Rails on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcast. Or, cityoftherails.com. I'm Jay Shetty and on my podcast on purpose, I've had the honor to sit down with some of the most incredible hearts and minds on the planet. Oprah. Everything that has happened to you can also be a strength builder for you if you allow it. Kobe Bryant.

The results don't really matter. It's the figuring out that matters. Kevin Haw. It's not about us as a generation at this point. It's about us trying our best to create change. Lumin's Hamilton. That's for me been taking that moment for yourself each day. Being kind to yourself because I think for a long time I wasn't kind to myself.

And many, many more. If you're attached to knowing you don't have a capacity to learn. On this podcast, you get to hear the raw real-life stories behind their journeys. And the tools they used, the books they read, and the people that made a difference in their lives so that they can make a difference in hours. Listen to on-purpose with Jay Shetty on the I-Hart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts join the journey soon How's that New Year's resolution coming along? You know the one you made about paying off your pesky credit card debt and finally starting to save a retirement

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If, let's say you've had a particularly spend thrift holiday season, we also talk about building up your savings, intelligent investing, and growing your income, no matter where you are on your financial journey, how to money's got your back. Millions of listeners have trusted us to help them achieve their financial goals. Ensure that your resolution turns into ongoing progress. Listen to how to money on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. Yeah, thanks. But I also think with what you were saying about the awards and stuff, I think there's

what I've learned from those situations is that they're still an element to like, even though, I always think about people who achieve a lot in their life And it must and not saying oh my god, it's so hard to achieve it on that but To just is no, I mean know what I mean is so it's such a hard life to achieve a lot what I'm trying to say is that It's it's difficult sometimes for people who and by the way This doesn't mean achieves a lot in the limelight or achieves a lot in their day to day life. But, you know, people can get so used to people achieving that every success doesn't end up feeling like a success to the other people, but the not grow out. What's the like the graph?

Graph. That's gone into it. Only the person who's done it knows. And even as someone who's watched you through it, or watched you actually do what you need to do to get those achievements, it's still not the same as being that person, and so to even be a person watching and observing, still to have that respect and that value for it, and to share that, oh my gosh, that's amazing. I genuinely think I just got so used to you achieving, and you've always been a person who's achieving.

But the work has just always been there. But I think it's even just appreciating the work, even if you don't appreciate the what's come from it. Even if I'm not like, oh my gosh, it's a war, because sometimes I'm like, oh wow, another streaming. Oh wow, another this. Like, okay, cool, because I know that there's always more coming, because I know you were just such an achiever and like you are, you put in the

work. So naturally there's going to be achievement. But I think there is so much in, even though you're not looking for it, what I've learned from it is there is so much to actually, so much to sharing that, wow, I see the work that you're doing, like that's amazing. And I never felt like you needed that validation because I was like, oh, I see the work that you're doing, like that's amazing. And I never felt like you needed that validation because I was like, oh, you just keep going and you know that you're doing great. Like you must know it because you are. But I think it's really important for loved ones,

partner, family, to keep sharing people's success. And you know, when you end up celebrating other people's success, I've realized that in my life, it makes you so much more of a better person because you're really thinking about how amazing it is for someone to have done that. I'm not even just a success, the leg work that's happened before that. And I really, it's so important to do that. It's not about boosting someone's ego, it's not about making someone feel like, oh what they've got is it's so valuable, but making someone know that we see the work

that you're doing and we see the hard work that's going into it. And I see, you know, it's a way of saying I see you in a subtle way. And I think it's really underrated because, because I think people are used to being like, oh, wow, that's amazing, you've got this, but they don't think about everything else before.

So now when I think about celebrating someone's success or celebrating your success, it's like me actually saying to you, wow, I see everything that's happened for you to get there. And I've realized how important that is. And I don't normally, and I've not been someone to do that for you. So now I'm like, oh, I really do want to do that for you and for other people around me. And I think you're right, the Guru part is too. Like, whatever I've noticed, I haven't been doing, has been instrumental for this, but also in every relationship that I have,

because it's showing me that the little thing, you know, you know, it's so much about yourself, obviously, there was a notice the most about yourself in relationships, right? Like, who you actually are. And I feel like, in a lot of other relationships, I haven't seen that. You know, with my mom, she's always just like, whatever, you know, whatever you end up doing, you actually are. And I feel like in a lot of other relationships, I haven't seen that.

With my mom, she's always just like, whatever, you know, whatever you end up doing, your mom's love you all the time. It's like unlimited amount of love. But I think in relationships, you're constantly reflected back to you. They don't, in your relationships, you don't allow, you know, I feel like I see it on a constant basis of what I'm not doing, especially if your partner is someone who is so loving that the reflection is, you know, you can't help but see the things about you need to change, because that person is constantly just pouring love into you. And so I think it's just, anyway, I just think it's such an important part, but that group part that you were saying, I completely

agree, because I feel like I've had that, and that's been pouring into other areas of my life too. I feel like I've had that and that's been pouring into other areas of my life too. And so, yeah, that's it. Well, how are you loving? You always do that at the end of when you're talking about something. I'm like, yeah, really passionate. Yeah, yeah. So that's it. That's it.

Yeah, because I feel like I'll just end up repeating it in different ways. To do it. It's going to be 16th. So the question is, what have we prioritized in a previous relationship that we don't prioritize in this relationship? Something we basically thought was important before but we no longer think is important now in this relationship. I think that's what you've talked about a lot and I'm sure many people have heard you say this but the time quality thing, I think that's been

something that you know the more time you spend quality thing, I think that's been something that you, you know, the more time you spend with someone, you think that time is the investment. People think that time is the investment. Like the amount of time you spend with someone is what the investment is. This person is willing to spend two hours with me, but this person is willing to spend 15 minutes with me. That must mean the two hour person values me more, loves me more, cares for me more. But what is the quality of those two hours, what is the quality of those 15 minutes, makes such a difference. And I think, you know, I've just been so used to that concept that that's what I always

you know, related to this friend or this relationship, this person wants to spend the most amount of time with me, that must mean, you know, that person loves me more. And so I think that's something I really changed because you can feel so much more and wants to spend the most amount of time with me, that must mean that person loves me more. And so I think that's something I really changed because you can feel so much more fueled from a 15 minute interaction with someone and loved with presence, then you can with, two hours of someone's distracted time.

And that's something I'm still working on as a person of being someone who's present. I think it's something I've really, you know, I've been up and down with it. There are different times where my mind can just, you know, go everywhere and do everything and not even be in the same room as everybody else that I'm in the room with.

But I think it's something that I know it's some, it's I want to be working on and something I want to be improving on. But I think that's a value that I have changed. I love that. I think I've talked about this a few times, but I do think it's important to keep reiterating. I think I used to see romance very one way.

I had a very singular view of what romance meant, which was like, nice dinner, candlelight, flowers, movie, like that kind of very typical idea of what romance looks like, or like Netflix and chill, where you like snuggled up on the couch watching, like I think we all have these very basic views. Like I had someone ask me the other day, they were like, you know, if I'm Netflix and chilling

with someone like we've gone beyond the first date phase of having a drink together, but now we're Netflix and chilling, like, but I don't feel chemistry. And I was like, you're not gonna feel in chemistry, Netflix and chilling. Yeah, just watching a movie. Just watching a TV show, a movie like,

you can't feel chemistry for someone doing that, because it's such a basic activity. And I think our relationship by almost chance, and I don't know how, but we kind of started on that foot of like one of our first dates was GoApe. And GoApe for anyone who doesn't know what that is, is an assault course that's ATV up in the air. You know, we're like swinging from branch to branch, we're helping each other out. Like you got to see what scared me, I got to see what scared you.

There's just so much opportunity for chemistry there and we would have very easily figured out if there wasn't any chemistry there. And another thing that we've done a lot of which we talked about before is escape rooms. Again it's very easy to like get a conversation started and like you don't have to have that awkward silence because there's something to solve and I think that's what life's kind of like like life's about solving a problem. Life isn't just talking to each other and often often when you go to dinner, I see so many couples on their phones, and no one's talking for like an hour and a half, and the food comes, and you kind of mention

a few things that you like, and then you're back to your phone. And that's because you can't just sit there and have random conversation. You need another almost activated or something interesting or fascinating to do. Like, I know when we've been to like a pottery class or a painting class, or recently you tried to do like I know when we've been to like a pottery class or a painting class or recently You tried to do wakeboarding right and it's like that to me is so much more I learned so much more about you watching you try to do this

Impossible task but an extreme sport. I might add an extreme sport which made you feel like you had whiplash the next day I was in so much pain. Yeah, but it was like so fun watching you try something new. Yeah, yeah. As opposed to like, if we just sat at the beach and at dinner, like it just goes to be the same. Right, right, right. And I appreciate it by the way, like, we're tied at the end of the day,

we do want to turn a show on, that's fine, but at least once a week, I think it's really important to go to something different. Doing something that builds. Yeah, something that builds, something where you're learning about someone, some of where you get more curious, you laugh at each other, you laugh at builds, something where you're learning about some, and some of where you get more curious.

You laugh at each other, you laugh at yourself. Something where you're both doing a new experience because I find that in my old relationships, I literally thought of love and romance as a very typical date night. And I don't think we have a typical date night. I think we try and avoid it generally. I see.

Boy, if we go to watch a movie, we don't see that as date night. We just see that as watching a movie. We're both really like, oh, we really want to see this movie. Let's go and avoid it generally. Or if we go to watch a movie, we don't see that as date night, we just see that as watching a movie. We're both really wanna see this movie. Let's go and watch it. But we're not like, oh, this is date night, that doesn't become our bonding. That just becomes something fun we wanna do.

Or we don't watch a TV show and think, this is our bonding. It's where you're not connecting. Can't be something that deepens or strengthens or creates a different perspective on your relationship. I used to feel the same way where it's like, oh, that thing of going on a Friday, like movie night.

If every single time you're hanging out, it's the activity where there's little connection, little, like, connection on, like all that was connection on a mental level, connection on talking, like, there's so much to do with connection that needs to happen within, within a day or within spending time with someone where if you're watching something or if you're doing something with little of that,

how can you get to the end of the day and be like, you know what, that was really good. I really felt like I connected with that person because really you're just sitting there together in the same space. But there's connection, isn't, you know, that's a different type. There's not a deeper connection

that you're building during that time. And again, I love going to watch movies and stuff, but I think I've learned, even if I want to get to know a friend, I won't ask her to come to watch a movie with me, that won't be the first time I'm spending with a girlfriend I'm trying to get to know. It will be, let's go work out together. Let's go food shopping together.

Like, it sounds so run, but something where we're able to connect on things, find out mutual things that we like or love. And, you know, that's what really builds familiarity and a connection. And so, yeah, I agree. So, the question is, if we've rewinded 10 years, what would have been our top three things we were looking for in a person? Yeah, at that time, I think my mom was

more worried about me looking for a partner than I was. And I'm joking, she wasn't like pushing everything, but. Your mom forced you to marry me. Yeah, basically. It comes out now. I don't know. I was like in a big transitional phase of my life when I started getting to know you

or when I met you at least. Oh, that's a long time around. Well, we're talking about my first start of dating. 10 years ago, it was when we first started dating. Right. So at that point, I don't think I knew. I think I was just at the point in my life where I was like, oh, I knew I wanted someone that I could grow spiritually with.

I think that was probably top of my list at the time because of the phase I was in. I was in deep at that time of really trying to explore that phase of my life, at that part of my life. And so that was probably number one for me was someone that I know has has spirit in that wants to explore that part of their life too. That's what I wanted. Same, that was my number one too. I didn't really have any like at that time had any like financial goals or anything. That wasn't something I thought about very often.

And then apart from that I'm trying to think, oh, and just laughing. Like I knew that I wanted someone that I could laugh with, and crack jokes with, and just, yeah, I think laughing was really important to me. And I didn't spend time to think about that at the time, so that's about all I can think about. I don't think I ever had a list either. I don't think I was ever that kind of a person. And that's why I'm not a big list person now.

I think lists can often minimize who you meet because you have such a criteria. That's true. And then you're finding this person who has all of this perfect criteria. But someone can be perfect on paper and still not be the right person. And I think you see this, I mean, I'm giving a sports analogy here, but bear with

me. It's the idea that sometimes a team on paper can be the perfect team. They have all the best players in the world, but they don't perform on paper, on the pitch or on the field. And I feel like that's what relationships end up like where you have this person who ticks all your criteria, but then they're not that in real life. You don't feel that with them. So I think relationships are more about discovering someone.

Like I couldn't have known what you would be like in 10 years. You just can't know what someone's going to be like in 10 years. And so all I could do is be curious and open and learn. You are so many more things than I ever thought you were or would be or could be or anything, but you either have to figure it out as you go and go, oh, I like that word, don't like that. And let that be what leads you rather than be like, okay, I think I know who this person is, but then what if they change? What if those three things you wanted became completely different? Like, I did want someone who is spiritually grounded. You are still spiritually grounded and that is a

massive pursuit in you. I wonder what I would feel like if you weren't spiritually. I don't know. I don't even know how I feel about that because that would be something you'd have to be open to if it came to them. Right, right. And so I think criteria, interesting, but I think it's more about exploring and discovering a human being. That's true, actually. So many people have lists of, like so many of my friends who are looking for a partner will have all these lists of what they want and every category, they'll have something

that they want in it. And sometimes it's like, oh, I met this person and they made me laugh. And they, you know, they really give that feeling that they've been looking for, but then they don't meet the criteria. And it kind of completely throws them off and they don't even know whether to go on a second date with them and it kind of feels like a missed opportunity because you know, a lot of the time

it should be so much more about emotion and how someone makes you feel versus whether they fit that that perfect that you've created. Yeah, like some people like he has to be six foot two. Yeah, so, oh my gosh, so many people. And I'm like, I'm like, how is it? My friends like, has to be tall, dark and handsome. And I get being attracted to you.

We've got tattoos. And I get being attracted to your partner. Yeah, definitely. I'm not saying, don't be attracted, obviously. Obviously, right? Just putting that out there. But you can't make that the criteria of it all. No, if you're already getting along with,

like if you get along with someone and you've got that, you know, connection, to then go back to your list and be like tick tick cross Because their 6 for 2 is not going to keep that relation you know No Where do the 6 for you know that's not going to make sure we're all going to shrink you know what happens with old age there So they marry someone 6 for 4 Exactly Yeah

So the question is how do we shop for our, even when our partner has so many other priorities, has a purpose, has things that keep them busy, how do we still show up for each other when we're busy and they're busy and have so much going on? Yeah, I think this was actually our weakness because being busy in our life came about on us so quickly. Like, I don't, you know, I always say this to people,

like, I didn't plan for this life like I didn't plan for this life, we didn't plan for this life. Things transformed and moved very quickly and changed very quickly. And it took off quickly even for us and we almost had to play catch up with it. And so I never thought when we got married that we'd ever spend any time apart.

Right, right, right. And all of a sudden, months in our relationship before the pandemic, in the first two years of our marriage, we spent like eight months apart. And then it was the pandemic, and we spent every day together, and I loved it. I'd have to say it was two of my favorite years of spending time with you.

Yeah, it was so fun. I love spending time with you for those two years. And then when the pandemic was over again, our lives again have been like, we spent like nearly six months apart last year, this month, at the start of this year, we've already spent a month apart, obviously different reasons.

And last year again was a surprise, it wasn't part of the plan. It was challenges beyond us that we couldn't control that we're keeping us apart, visa issues, things like that that are like complex and things that we have to deal with when you are from different countries and live in different countries.

And that was like the first time where I realized that I didn't have good tools for that kind of distance. And actually because I just thought that it didn't matter, you just stay the same and things would be fine. And so I think I've actually learned the hard way sometimes where I haven't been as well informed or didn't think I had all the tools or had it all figured out. And I've realized the importance of checking in every day, which I never really used to think that was the thing.

I never thought you had to check in every day. And I know that sounds stupid to a lot of people, but... No, I think it's also because of both very safe and secure. Yeah, we're very independent as well. And we're safe and secure and we trust each other. And then I realized checking in every day was so important when we were traveling or not in the same place. That was a big one. I'd say that the other one was for every day you spend a part, you need to have a quality day together. I really believe that.

Like, I felt like last year when we didn't see each other for six months, I felt like I spent the next six months only thinking about a relationship. Right, right, right. Because it had to be the priority. You can't just expect a plant or a tree to grow in your house when you don't water it and you don't take care of it. And so if you've not seen it for six months because you've been traveling, you don't just get the co-clan.

Yeah, you don't just get to come back to it and go, oh great, I'm back now, start blooming. It doesn't work that way. You take so much of that effort. And I think I didn't fully digest that. And last year was that year where I was like, all right, that's what it's going to take. It's going to take six months of recreating, refocusing, refortising, that's what I did last year.

That's what I thought that I focused on that at the end of last year. And that's how I feel now as well. Like, you know, you've been here because of family challenges and things like that with your grandma, it's not been well. And obviously, we know it's your favorite person in the world. And it's like, you've obviously wanted to be with her. And again, we haven't seen each other for a month because you've had to be with her in hospital. And so there's so many things that come up in our lives

that are always going to be there. So we And so there's so many things that come up in our lives that are always gonna be there. So we can't live in this perfect world of like, oh, never go two days without each other. Never, life doesn't work that way. Like life is what you can't make fake rules. But the rule I have made is that when we are reconnecting, you have to go deeper in less time to rebuild the relationship when you are busy.

And you have to spend quality time. One of the things I love that we did was, and I want to get back to it as soon as we're in a flow of being together again, it's like the idea of every 30 days, we take three days, we disappear three hours away from L.A. We'd lock our phones away in the room and we'd just bike together, walk together, and be together. And to me, when you all have a busy month, having three days a month where you go so deep with each other is so needed because you are busy every month and not everyone has time every day, or the energy every day to sit down with their partner and check in and make it a mate.

You can't, but you can once a month. And I think you have to have a monthly check in. Even when we do these annual check-ins, I think these are really important. Like yes, we record it and it goes out as a podcast, but I think every couple should have an annual check in and answer these questions that we're answering. Otherwise, like years go by and then a decade later you're thinking about your relationship. And so I think reflecting is such a powerful tool. And recording is actually a powerful tool. And I think if we were to reflect and record more often every month and every year with our partners, your relationship will go in the right direction,

as opposed to your relationship going off in a wrong direction. And then you're trying to save it years later. Yeah, that makes sense. I think check-ins, yeah. I think I didn't think they, they was like, oh, we're on two different time zones. It's so hard to just, we'll just figure out when we see each other

and we'll talk when we see each other. We'll catch up with each other when we see each other. But yeah, I think daily check-ins is a really important part of it. Message or call, like whatever is feasible and easy to do. I think we can be really honest about what you need as well. I feel like I feel like I feel like I feel like just catching the person. You know that even if I've had a busy day, if you said to me, I really need to talk to you tonight or let's chat.

Toxially. You know I'd be there. Even if I've had a really busy day on an exhaust or whatever it may be. But if you don't know, sometimes you assume your partner just knows how to feel. And I think that's always where things go wrong. Where it's like, well, why haven't you checked in with me for a month? And that mentality really ruins relationships.

Totally. Rather than you're saying, let's agree to have a check and everyone. Yeah, they see how we're doing. See what you need help with. One thing I've recommended in the book was four questions. So once every day is, what have you done for yourself today? Once every

week is what have you got coming up this week and what support do you need? Every quarter is is this relationship going in the direction you want and how how can we get it in there? And the fourth question every year is what are your goals and how can I help you? I ask you a lot of those questions all the time and so I just broke it down into that formula because I really wanted people to have like really clear things that they could do. Yeah, I'll ask you them from now on. Cool. Get my nip pad out. So the question is it's early 2023. What are our goals? What are we pursuing? What's important to us as a couple for this year? I always talk about in the book how there's three types

of relationship. The one you have with your own purpose, the one you partner has with their purpose, and then having a purpose together as well. And so looking at that third part of it, I think for me, it's, I really feel that even though I haven't been neglectful or I don't feel I've put a relationship second or less important for this much time. I'm definitely in a place this year where I want it to be really important and so I want to travel more together. I want to spend even more quality time together especially because we've kind of gone from having like two years when we first got married. We went together, two years married where we were like in pandemic,

where we're together every day, to now again the busyness and it's almost like I want to make sure that I'm constantly investing in that in our relationship and I think traveling together more, having that deep time as I'm talking about together, one of those weekend breaks used to tell. More like that stuff is so important to me and I'm really looking forward to that with you. Yeah, me too. That and I think for me is learning how to schedule in time for that because sometimes I can be like, oh yeah, we'll happen and we can do it whenever and we'll just hang out and be like planning things and creating experiences and moments for that to happen. I think that's something I wanna work on

because I'm not very good at that. Yeah. Thank you, Robbie, for coming back on our show. That's all right. You'll be coming back on a lot this year and next year because you've got so many exciting things. Sorry, I'm like fully booked for the rest of the year. So, I hope.

You've got so many exciting things coming up. I'm so excited. I'm so proud of you. Like I've been watching you in the background work on so many incredible things. Yeah. They're going to excite and delight so many people, surprise so many people. And I can't wait for you to share them with the world. Me too, I'm excited for that.

And I love you and it's been fun watching you grow. It's been fun doing this with you as always. Me too. I can't believe we haven't done it for two years. I know, I can't need that. And um... What we didn't last year? Well, I didn't done it for two years. I know, I can't eat that. And what we didn't last year. Well, I didn't see you for six months. Oh, yeah.

That was it. But I love you so much and I'm so grateful to be in this journey of life with you. And I don't think I would have learned half of what I've learned in life or what I've written in this book if I wasn't with you. Same. And so you've taught me so much. Same. You've taught me so much.

And I still find you as adorable as I did 10 years ago. And that's've taught me so much. Same. You've taught me so much. And I still find you as adorable as I did 10 years ago. And that's the wrap, guys. Thank you so much for watching and listening today. Make sure you tag Raddy and I with anything that stood out to you or anything that connected or resonated with you. As always, Raddy and I try to be extremely open and organic with you with these conversations. I hope you enjoyed it.

I hope it helps you in your daily life, in your relationships and with the people that you connect with. That's our only intention and our only goal. Thank you so much for listening to On Purpose, and I'll see you on another episode. Thank you so much. Bye. If you love this episode, you're going to love my conversation with Matthew Hussie on how to get over your ex and find true love in your relationships. Our 20s are often seen as this golden decade. Our time to be carefree, make mistakes and figure out our lives. But what can psychology teach us about this time?

I'm Jemma Speg, the host of the Psychology of your 20s. Each week we take a deep dive into a unique aspect of our 20s, from career anxiety, mental health, heartbreak, money, and much more to explore the science behind our experiences. The Psychology of your 20s hosted by me, Gemma Speg. Listen now on the iHeartRadio app,p Apple Podcast or wherever you get your podcasts. Regardless of the progress you've made in life, I believe we could all benefit from wisdom on handling common problems, making life seem more manageable, now more than ever. I'm Eric Zimmer, host of the One-E-Feed podcast, where I interview thought-provoking guests who offer practical wisdom that you can use to create the life you want.

25 years ago, I was homeless and addicted to heroin. I've made my way through addiction recovery, learned to navigate my clinical depression, and figured out how to build a fulfilling life. The one you feed has over 30 million downloads and was named one of the best podcasts by Apple Podcasts. Oprah Magazine named this is one of 22 podcasts to help you live your best life. You always have the chance to begin again and feed the best of yourself. The trap is the person often thinks they'll act

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I'm a journalist, a wanderer, and a bit of a bon vivant, but mostly a human just trying to figure out what it's all about. And not lost is my new podcast about all those things. It's a travel show where each week I go with a friend to a new place and to really understand it, try to get invited to a local's house for dinner. Where kind of trying to get invited to a dinner party, it doesn't always work out. Ooh, I have to get back to you. Listen to not lost on the iHeart radio app or wherever you get your podcasts.

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