On Purpose with Jay Shetty - Jay & Radhi Talk About Icks vs. Red Flags (How to ACTUALLY Know the Difference)

Episode Date: November 22, 2025

In this fun and unfiltered episode, Jay and Radhi dive into the world of “icks,” those oddly specific little turn-offs that make us cringe for reasons we can’t quite explain. From baby voices and socks with sandals to the blurry line between confidence and cockiness, they laugh their way through the most random dating deal-breakers and what they secretly reveal about us. Amid the jokes, they slip in a few truth bombs too, like how we sometimes use icks to avoid real vulnerability. It’s light, hilarious, and uncomfortably relatable, because honestly, we’ve all had an ick… and we’ve definitely been someone else’s. In this episode, you'll learn: How to Tell the Difference Between an Ick and a Red Flag How to Communicate Honestly About What Bothers You How to Recognize When You’re Using an Ick as an Excuse How to Appreciate Imperfections in the People You Love It’s easy to get caught up in small things that bother us, but true connection isn’t built on perfection, it’s built on patience, humor, and understanding. Everyone has quirks, and sometimes those quirks are what make relationships real. With Love and Gratitude, Jay Shetty What We Discuss: 00:00 Intro 00:19 What is an Ick? 03:07 The Funniest Icks 05:21 How Seriously Should People Take Icks? 09:39 Can You Get Over an Ick? 12:55 Personal Hygiene is Important 14:26 Arrogance Versus Confidence 15:40 Childishness and Immaturity  17:25 Is It Just Poor Communication? 21:43 Top 5 Icks Men have About Women 23:38 The Guy with a List (@wyszkay) Episode Resources: Radhi Devlukia | Website Radhi Devlukia | YouTube Radhi Devlukia | Instagram Radhi Devlukia | Facebook Radhi Devlukia | TikTok Joyfull A Really Good CrySee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is an I-Heart podcast. One of my biggest icks is when they like wake up and they're confused. If they play games on their phone. When he posts on social media, grown men shouldn't wear earrings. Don't message me saying, when am I taking you? I'm not. How seriously should people take icks? They should be seen as more of a funny thing, not something that actually puts them off their partner.

Do you ever get over an ick? The more you like someone, the more you'll find the ick's cuter. Everyone is going to have something that gives you the ick. I remember one of my icks was at the beginning when we were daying. Go on. We used to do that. Oh my God. Hey everyone.

Welcome back to On Purpose with Jay Shetty with my favorite person in the world, Raditha DiVlucia. And we're diving into topics about things that we talk about, things that we hear about from friends and family, things that you could talk about on a long car journey after a long day at work or maybe while you're out at dinner and you want to have a chat about what's going on. So today's topic is all about

icks. I feel like the concept of icks didn't exist when we were dating. No. Or maybe they existed but they didn't have that language. And if anyone's wondering, because you've been sleeping under a rock, what an ick is.

The term ick refers to a sudden turnoff or something that instantly killed attraction. Ooh, that's a harsh term. These aren't always rational and they can vary culturally and individually, but there are common patterns reported in dating conversations, social media, and psychological observations. Wow, so official. When did you first discover what Ix were?

I don't know when, but I feel like now that it's got a name to it, I appreciate it because I felt Ix my whole life. Really? Yeah. What, like when you were dating back in the day? Yeah. You never dated anyone apart from me. What?

I definitely felt X throughout my life I've probably felt a few X with you What do you mean? What? We spoke about this. What? We've had X with you. So many icks.

But X doesn't mean that you don't love someone. Right. Ix just means you're like, oh maybe you know, don't do that around me. Right. Yeah. You have X with me. No. Was your ick with me?

I don't know. Yeah. What? Anyway, is this about us? Yeah. We're just having a general conversation about X guys. No, the topic came about because we were in a car jam. journey with my cousins. We were on our way back from the Drake concert. We had a long journey

and somehow we came onto the topic of icks within our relationships but then also just generally, you know, there's a man with the ick list, which, the girl. That's mine. That's my favourite. The guy with the list. Yeah, I love it. If you don't follow guy with the list on TikTok. Please follow him. I have no idea who he is. He is hilarious. He's brilliant and he just like, he finds all these things that women say or men say are icks about men and women. And he puts them onto a really, really long list. So we started getting into it. And let me tell you, we came up with some crazy ones.

One of my cousin said that she thinks it's icky when her husband uses an indicator in the car. I don't even know how that's an ick, but that was an ick. Because what was her reasoning? I don't remember. She said that it doesn't feel masculine. Masculine enough, yes. Someone else that I spoke to said that she finds it really icky when her husband cries. That's terrible.

So not nice, but also just so funny that people put that on the ick list. Well, okay, it's obviously funny, but there's also a little bit of meanness and depths to it that people get turned off so easily these days. And I think it really, sometimes just by getting an ick, they won't go on a second day. I feel like, should we start off by reading some really funny icks out? Okay, so, oh, when they run after a receipt that's blown away in the wind. Who does that? When they hold a limp umbrella in a strong wind

When they run with a backpack on And it bounces side to side That's a really good one, I agree When they try to get out of a beanbag chair And it takes a full 12 seconds When they walk, when they call a waiter over But they walk right past them These are all very good ones

There are some other really funny ones do. What else would be, what else would be say in the car that was really funny? I don't remember the car ones at all. When they have allergies, that's so rude. When you're driving and they grab the bar, yeah, when you are the driver, when the girl's the driver and the guy gets scared and holds the side

of the car, that's icky. When they get car sick. I get car sick. That's not ick. It's a really sad thing to go through actually. When they wear no show socks. No. Yeah, I agree with that one. There's little panty liner socks. They are awful

The thong socks Is what we should call them Awful Is that what you have to say? Well look I think Ix are fair But I also think that they should be seen as more of a funny thing

Not something that actually puts them off their partner I think it should end up becoming something that's endearing Like you should go from thinking It's an ick to finding it a bit cute I remember one of my icks was at the beginning when we were daying When you used to do that baby

voice with your mum and your sister. Oh my God! I cannot even hear it. Go and do it please. I'm not doing it. I don't do it with anyone else. You do know it though. I don't. Only with my mum and sister. Suddenly I was in a room with all three of them and they're all doing this weird baby voice to each other. How's like in where am I and what is happening? Please just do it once. No, I don't do it anymore. Come on and show them to so they... I literally don't do it anymore because you... You actually don't do it that much. But you know what you should be who you want to be. I don't do that anymore.

But just don't do that voice around me. What are my icks about you? But, yeah, what are my aches about you? I don't know in the beginning. Being late. Yeah. That is an ick. That is a massive ick for me when people are...

Really? Massive ick. You can't be late. I've been ick your whole life then, mate. Basically. What else? Skinny jeans. Skinny jeans are a...

Skinny jeans. I was just checking if I was wearing skinny jeans before. I said it. Skinny jeans, big ick. Now they are. At one point they were fashionable. That's what it is about icks that there was a time when the ick could have been fashionable. Like I know one of our friends, her sister doesn't like men who wear jewelry.

Oh. So that's what I'm trying to understand is like how seriously should people take icks? I think they should be taken with a pinch of salt, you know. I don't think you should take them too seriously. but I think if there are too many icks, you're not going to find that person attractive. That's the problem. So either you have to work on your tolerance and what you find icky. And maybe some things like you're not wanting your husband to cry in front of you,

that may be therapy that's required, not going to lie. You may need to really work on that. But other things like, you know, flip-flops with socks, you know, give a bit of leeway. Maybe just choose the shoes for your partner the next time they go out. All right, I'm going to read out a list of X and we have to decide on a scale of 1 to 10 how bad they are. Okay. All right. Or do we do a yes or no is an ick or not?

Yeah, ick or not. Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, or not. All right, chewing with their mouth open. Ick. It's a, for sure. Clapping when the plane lands. I like it. You know what, it's appreciation.

We should be really happy when a plane lands. Yeah, it's an amazing thing. Yeah. Not washing their hands after the bathroom. I, egg, that is all around ick. That's not subjective. Yeah. Asking to split a bill.

I don't think that's. It's an ick. But then I, you know, I like being a self-sufficient woman. As a man, I always wanted to pick up the bill. I always did when we were dating originally as well. Like, it was always something that I've wanted to do. And so, to me, it's not an for me. Okay. Talking in a baby voice. As a grown-ass man, absolute ick. I get it now. Using too many hashtags. Oh my gosh, what an ink. And I'm using too many emojis as a lot.

No, ick. Being too obsessed with astrology, like blaming everything on being a Gemini. Oh, that's a bit of an ache. A lot of girls do that. That's an egg. Yeah, it's a bit of an ache. Taking mirror selfies at the gym. Well, no.

Should I tell you what? There's this girl that I've been seeing at the gym lately. I was like, wow, her body's amazing. She must work so hard. I swear I've not seen her lift one way in the gym. All she does is come into the gym in beautiful outfits. She looks amazing. Takes pictures and leaves.

So yes, if you're taking pictures after having done a lot of, hard workout, not an egg. If you're coming to the gym in a cute outfit just to take pictures without doing a workout, ick. Oh, another ick when the man looks in the mirror more than you do. We don't have that problem, obviously. Poor grammar in texts, you're hot instead of you are hot. Yeah, I think poor grammar is pretty bad, yeah.

But it's obvious. Air guitar, when a guy does an air guitar. Or like, or fake golf? Oh my God. No. Or finger guns. Oh, no. Leaving voice notes that are four plus minutes long, massive ick.

Do not leave me a voice note. No, me and my friends do that. I hate it. But maybe not if it ain't someone. Voice notes are such a waste of time. It's like, so I really wanted to tell you this, and I don't want this to be long. Yeah. But I've been thinking about this, and I'm thinking about one friend that does it at a time right now.

Drinks cow's milk in a glass. Drinks cow's milk full stop. Ick. Using phrases, like, let that sink in too seriously. Calls women females. What the hell? Is he a biology teacher? Oh my God.

All right. Obsessing over a celebrity like they know them personally. Yeah. When I have friends that refer to celebrities by their first name that they don't know, isn't it? Referring to their ex as crazy with no context.

You're okay with that? Yeah, I'm right with that. Oh, gosh. So let's help people. let's think about icks what's our take my take is that um you should give oh wait this a better question yeah do you ever get over a ick can you get over it like did you get over the ick of me talking a baby voice or did i have to stop doing it make sure of both i think the more you like someone the less you'll find like the more you'll find the excuter however there are just some

things that you're going to have the other person is going to have to just stop doing if the partner finds it icky more than three times. So how do you tell someone, hey, I have an ick about this and that's the reason I haven't been texting you, that's the reason I haven't been, how do you do it? Chet GPT will give you a really great answer for that. No, but seriously. Yeah, how would you do it? I think you could be really honest in saying that I really like you as a person, but when you wear socks and sandals, it really upsets me because I enjoy fashion and that to me. it doesn't look like fashion but I would love to go

shoe shopping with you and help you find shoes that really work well with those socks you know I remember the scene in nobody wants this do you remember that show so with what's his name Adam Brody and Kristen Bell

and there's a scene where he comes over but he's wearing shorts with a blazer and she's got the biggest it really because she hates the fact he's wearing shorts with the blazer and it's like the whole episode is like her spiraling thinking he's not the guy I can't believe it I'm going to break up with him like it becomes this massive thing and then I think she tells him about it and I think that is the reality of if you flag it to someone but what happens when that

person says well this is who I am is that the end I don't know it depends how much that person really how invested you are in that person I do think when they when you're when you're basing dating someone off a few icks unless it's really putting you off to the point where you don't really want to be seen with them or want to hang out with them or it just every time you're seeing them you're feeling icky

it's probably a sign that their icks or if there's a few too many for you to be able to handle Yeah I mean might take You can't be icked out every day For sure but you've also got to know what your basic level of standards are too because everyone is going to have something that gives you the ick

And you're not dating the ick you date a person who is like, do they respond, do they show up, do they call, do they check in? Like, that's what you're doing. You're not dating the person whose backpack bounces when they run. Like, that's, you don't have to look at them. Give them a different bag. Tie in their backpack. Yeah. Tie in their backpack. Like, you don't have to watch that every day. Like, that's not your life. You know what I mean? Like, I think, I think today people find icks to get out of something they want to get out of. So it's like, it's like a easy reason.

Yeah, it's an easy reason. It's a scapego. It's something you used to justify why you don't want to be with someone. Right, right. You just aren't attracted to them. You just aren't into them and you don't want to say that. So you end up coming up with this ick that justifies why you don't want to be them. Yeah, I think so.

I think an ick is a good easy way out. Yeah. For sure. Jared Freed, who hosts the U-Up podcast, who's a mate of mine, he says that men, like an ick would never stop a man from dating someone. If they like someone, they like someone, it doesn't matter, even if there's an ick. But from women, it's actually a lot more serious. Do you agree?

I think so. Why? But then I wonder if, okay, let's say girls got bad breath. Is that not going to be an ick for a guy? No, of course it is. But it won't stop him from dating. I don't know. That's a question for Jared right there.

I'm not sure. Like, I mean, for me, to me, that's more than an ick. To me, that's just bad hygiene. Like, I'm like, that's like a basic. Something else. Yeah, exactly. that's like a basic human thing that you'd want from everyone, let alone the person. Yeah, that's true, that's true.

Right? Yeah, I think women definitely are potentially pickier, I'd say, maybe, when it comes to things like that. Interesting. Well, I got up here, the top five X women commonly have about men. Yeah, go on. Lack of hygiene or grooming. Oh, wait, the women have about men? Yeah, dirty nails, bad breath or unkept hair can instantly kill attraction.

Wow. Smelling bad or being generally unkept ranks high in size. surveys. However, I would say I know a lot of friends who are with guys who don't smell great and they're... Oh, interesting. Number two is icks that women have about men overconfidence or cockiness. Bragging, dominating conversations or acting like a know it all is often perceived as insecurity masked as arrogance. I like that. That's a good one. Let's talk about that. What is the difference between confidence and cockiness and confidence and arrogance for you? I think arrogance is when you are trying to prove to someone that what you're worth is, when you're

trying to prove to someone that you are better than something else or someone else. And I think confidence is, you know, confidence I just find it so much quieter. It's like you just show up with energy that is you are supporting your own self. You're not trying to put other people down in trying to make yourself look better. A lot of the time with arrogance, people are trying to put other people down or they're acting in a way that feels superior. I think that's the difference. Arrogance is superiority. Confidence is being able to carry yourself with respect for yourself. Yeah. Yeah. And I think you really see the difference when people are talking, acting, how they act towards other people, how they act towards you, the things that they say

in conversation, even on a day. Like, it's so obvious when someone is cocky. And usually cockiness comes from insecurity. So, yeah, I definitely think overconfidence or arrogance is a turnoff. for everyone. I don't enjoy it in a conversation. It's not endearing. It's not impressive. You switch off really, really quickly. That makes a lot of sense. Number three is immaturity or childish behaviour. This includes playing too many video games, making crude jokes or being emotionally unavailable or avoidant. Those are all icks for women, like serious icks. Yeah. I think the childish behaviour, it's interesting because I think some women actually, depending on what traumas they've been through

when they've been younger, babying a man is what they've been used to or are attracted to. Interesting. A man to save, a man to look after, a man to care for. So I actually see a lot more women, well, I see a lot of powerful women

ending up with people like that where they have to look after them. Interesting. But I can understand why it should be a turnoff because you don't want to be mothering your boyfriend or your partner. Yeah, I think it's really interesting I think sometimes women get into relationships hoping the man will change.

Yes. And men get into relationships hoping the women will never change. Yes, that's so true. What ends up happening is that the man doesn't change and the woman does. So it's the opposite of what you wanted. And when you get into relationship with a guy who plays video games, he's not just going to stop playing video games the moment you get married. That's what he does.

And you're not going to change that about him. And I think that's what's so interesting. about these icks is that if something really affects you, you should know it's less likely to change than more likely, especially if it's something conditioned and deeply a part of their life, right? And so if something does affect you that deeply, the two questions you have to ask is, why does this trigger me so much? And am I okay if this never changes? I think that's really important. It is. We all want to feel better to have more energy and more focus throughout the day.

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boost. We all want to feel better. To have more energy and more focus throughout the day. That's why I co-founded Juni, a sparkling adaptogenic drink made with powerful ingredients like Ashwaganda and Lionsmane. It's designed to boost your mood, support your focus and give you natural energy, all without the crash. Get your daily mood boost with Junie at Whole Foods Market or head to drinkjunie.com to find a store near you. The next one is poor communication being vague, giving one word replies or ghosting creates a feeling of unreliability and emotional distance. See, I think there's a difference between Ix now and what makes someone feel secure in a relationship

because that's a big security part of a relationship where if you feel confused about where you stand, if the person isn't communicating in a way that makes you feel wanted, that actually breeds insecurity in a relationship. And I think that more than an ick that is probably a serious, an ick to me is something that's not a serious problem. An ick to me is something slightly silly that your mind's fixated on, but, you know, there is a bit of humor to it. Whereas this doesn't seem like an ick, it seems like more of a serious issue because you don't know where you stand in the relationship. And I think that you have to know the difference between an ick and something that is actually fundamental.

That's really interesting because usually we overvalue an ick and we undervalue a fundamental. So if someone runs with their backpack bouncing, we think, oh my gosh, they're so unattractive. But if someone doesn't reply, you're like, oh, they must be busy, right? So we make excuses for the fundamentals, but we over amplify icks, which is a really weird thing in our mind. Yeah, why do we do that? Right? Yeah, it's so true.

It's such an interesting thing. Like, I feel like so many people are like, I just can't deal with the fact that he wears, you know, ankle socks or whatever it is. And it's like, well, wait a minute. That guy replies to every message. That guy shows up when he says he's going to show up. But the guy who's really attractive doesn't show up on time, doesn't message you back. But even though he has all of that, you don't care.

No. Why do we do that? Why do we justify people's bad behavior? I ultimately think it's because when you're attracted to someone, when you're into someone, you will justify anything they do because you're just so excited about the fact that that person might be into you

if someone shows you attention, if someone cares about you. But if someone is someone that you don't find that attractive isn't your type, even if they're like the kindest and nicest person, you don't care. I was actually reading something, what was it this morning?

It came up on my Instagram that when you end up being a little bit obsessed with someone, your actual physiology in your mind, changes so that even the things that you would normally find unattractive, you find attractive in them, especially if it's in a toxic relationship. When it's a toxic relationship where things are up and down, apparently the hormones in your body, the chemicals in your mind end up finding even the things that are absolutely grotesque, your body actually, even if the person has bad breath, you don't smell the bad breath. Wow. Even if the person, you get used to even

their smell and the way that they speak and everything that you normally find disgusting and someone else that other people may even notice, you don't. That's why it's so funny, you know, when you end up seeing someone that your friends dated and you're like, how in the world, especially if they weren't a good person and then you see maybe physically they don't match either, it's like that shallow halifact. Yeah. Where the person is literally seeing a completely different version to the person that they actually are. That's fascinating.

That is so true as well. So true. All right. I want to go through the list of the top five. men have about women. Number one. Wait, can I say one more thing? It's like, for example, I remember I really disliked smoking when I was growing up,

but then I remember thinking this guy at my college was really attractive, but he was a smoker. And at that point, I was like, oh, wow, I actually liked the smell of, I was around the smell of smoke so much, I ended up thinking I liked the smell of smoke, even though I absolutely despise smoking. And my friends have said the same thing when they've dated people who drink alcohol or when they've dated people who smoke weed, they absolutely hate it, would never do it themselves, but because they were obsessed with that person or thought that person was attracted,

suddenly what they do becomes attractive. That's why it's so interesting. Yeah, and that's why it's so important to choose someone in your life that actually has the habits and things you want because you're going to be influenced and you're going to be impacted even if you don't want to do it. No, I didn't want to do it. I just, my mind shifted towards a set of it. If you would have stayed with that person or got with them or whatever, that slowly would

become your lifestyle. Yeah, maybe. So interesting. Yeah. The fact that your mind can shift something you really don't like, just when you're because someone that you like does it. Yeah. Opposite of Ix.

Top five X men commonly have about women. Number one, overly superficial behavior. Talking only about appearances, name dropping, or obsessing over social media and selfies. Yeah. I, yeah, it's frustrating. I love a good selfie. I know you do. I am your Instagram husband and I never get a photo credit ever.

You don't, if once you're married, you don't need photo credit. What? It's just part of the relationship. Right, okay. Yeah. Yeah, that's an ick. Right there. And number two, playing mind games, being intentionally vague, manipulative,

using passive aggressive tactics. That's a fundamental problem. That's for both, yeah. Yeah, that's not an ick. I feel like that's a fundamental issue. Yeah. Number three, entitlement or materialism, expecting to be spoiled without reciprocation or judging people

based on money, status or possession. Some guys like that, to be honest. Yeah, because that gives them the ability. Or some relationships like that, because then it becomes an easy way of showing status. Yes. Or an easy way of showing prowess. I don't love that though.

Yeah, I'm a fan of that. Number four, being overly dramatic or constantly negative. Oh my God. That's exactly it. I struggled with that a lot. I felt like I dated a lot of people who were like that all the time. Really? But really small things.

And I felt like I had to constantly guess what their mood was going to be. And that is not an ick. It's a big fundamental. But it was really challenging to feel as a teenager, to feel you had to be the emotional regulator. Right. Someone else's emotion. No, too much.

Too much baggage. Which you can't do, which is really, really hard. And there's a difference between being patient, being compassionate, being kind, and then literally someone asking you to be their emotional regulator. And then, yeah, fifth and finally, lack of accountability, blaming others forever, everything, never admitting when they're wrong, or constantly playing the victim. These are all like serious X.

Yeah. It's quite a strong list, actually. Yeah, because the guy with the list comes up with much easier stuff. Can you pull up some guy with the list stuff? just to end this. Let's do it. Let's do it. Guy with the list, we love you. We love you. Don't send her an Instagram real. That's it. Okay, next. You know when you go to an event and you leave early, like I will never understand those sort of people.

You've literally paid money to send an hour or two of your life to go and watch this event, but you would rather leave 20 minutes early or 10 minutes to beat the traffic. What else is that urgent that you need to get home for rather than the thing that you paid to go and say that will net a bush faffles me just to what beat the true that's you that's me you are that she has an ick with you yeah a lot of these are visuals i'm sorry to say if you're a man and you have an ipad take it it it an ipad it's so icky like as i'm gonna why do you have an ipad or just use your phone yeah you know what if a guy's got an ipad mini no a little iPad mini they could fit in one hand what do you mean no there's something

They're cheaper than the bigger iPod. Oh, no. Mini anything. Like in the, like, you know, like a small phone. I've just unlocked a new ick. Tell me why I was just at the dog park and I met the cutest guy. He had the sweetest little dog. But in the middle of our conversation, he started screaming his dog's name, calling him five, ten times.

And I don't know why, but in that moment, he just became so unattractive to me. Oh, like, I just, I got my dog and I left. These girls are amazing. Don't scream at your dog in the dog park. This is hilarious. No wonder everyone's single. Mm-hmm. It's rough out there.

The worst text to send a girl. The morning text. Good morning, sweetheart. How are you doing? Hope you slept well. You're basically saying you're a sin. That text is not masculine. That is not a good text.

It shows needy. It just shows that like, oh, I was thinking about you and I was hoping your morning was going well. That's not what you want to come across as. Always, always. remember, texting is only to set up the date. Men fall into this trap of sending good morning text, sending texts like, hey, how is your week and wanting to talk and have these big elaborate conversation over text. But what happens is you fall into friend zone or you become her pen path. No morning text, man.

Wow. It's rough out there for guys. That's a lot. Well, that's a lot. I think the takeaway is know the difference between X and fundamentals. Don't overvalue X and undervalue fundamentals. And ultimately, we all have Ix. We all have it. Even the person you marry, you'll have Ix with, and you can still love each other. Yeah, you can. Thank you so much for watching.

This is a lovely little funny episode, wasn't it? It was spontaneous. Yeah. I love it. We love a good ick. We do, don't we? Hey, everyone. If you love that conversation, go and check on my episode with the world's leading

therapist Laurie Gottlieb, where she answers the biggest questions that people ask in therapy when it comes to love, relationships, heartbreak, and dating. If you're trying to figure out that space right now, you won't want to miss this conversation. If it's a romantic relationship, hold hands. It's really hard to argue. It actually calms your nervous systems. Just hold hands as you're having the conversation. It's so lovely. This is an I-Heart podcast. Thank you.