On Purpose with Jay Shetty - Jays Must Listens: You’re Approaching Dating Wrong! (Use THIS Blueprint to Attract the RIGHT Person) Ft. Vanessa Van Edwards & Jillian Turecki

Episode Date: November 5, 2025

How do you know if someone’s really right for you?   Has there ever been a time you thought someone was right for you but turned out wrong?   Today, Jay brings together four of today’s most insightful voices on love and relationships, Vanessa Van Edwards, Jillian Turecki, Sadia Khan, and Lori Gottlieb, for a deep and honest look at what it really takes to find meaningful connection in the modern world. They share how our signals, habits, and self-perception shape our experiences in dating far more than luck or timing ever could. Vanessa breaks down the subtle science of attraction, and why confidence and openness often matter more than appearance. Jillian helps us face our fear of rejection, reminding us that love isn’t about finding “the one,” but about choosing and growing with someone intentionally.   Sadia and Lori take us deeper, showing how self-esteem, honesty, and emotional maturity determine who we allow into our lives. Sadia challenges the patterns that keep us stuck with the wrong people, while Lori highlights the courage it takes to speak our truth and set boundaries early on. Together, their insights form a roadmap for dating that feels healthy, grounded, and real.   In this episode, you'll learn: How to Build Confidence Through Body Language How to Date Without Burning Out How to Overcome the Fear of Rejection How to Choose the Right Person, Not the Perfect One How to Stop Choosing Emotionally Unavailable People How to Be Honest About What You Want in Love   Love isn’t something that happens by accident, it’s something you learn to create with intention. Every experience, whether it leads to a spark or a lesson, brings you closer to understanding what you truly need and deserve.   With Love and Gratitude, Jay Shetty.   Join over 750,000 people to receive my most transformative wisdom directly in your inbox every single week with my free newsletter. Subscribe here.   Check out our Apple subscription to unlock bonus content of On Purpose! https://lnk.to/JayShettyPodcast    What We Discuss: 00:00 Intro 00:50 The Flirtation Signals You’re Missing 09:19 The Three Biggest Dating Mistakes 13:32 Rejection is Like a Muscle  16:37 You Shouldn’t Rush Real Love 21:17 The Fear of the Unknown in Relationships 22:22 Who You Give Your Energy To Shapes Your Love Life 24:29 Why Are We Drawn to Emotionally Unavailable People?  26:01 The Real Reason You’re Struggling to Find a Partner 27:49 Are Your Standards Too High? 29:16 Is It Ever Okay to Ghost? 30:52 The Power of Being Honest About What You Want 32:47 Your Present Habits Reveal Your Relationship’s FutureSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

This is an I-Heart podcast. Have you overlooked at a piece of abstract art or music or poetry and thought, that's just a bunch of pretentious nonsense? That's exactly what two bored Australian soldiers set out to prove during World War II when they tricked the literary world with their intentionally bad poetry, setting off a major scandal. We break down the truth, the lies, and the poetry in between on hoax, a new podcast hosted by me, Lizzie Logan, and me, Dana Schwartz.

Every episode, hoax explores an audacious fraud or ruse from history. Listen to hoax on the IHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Do we really need another podcast with a condescending finance brof trying to tell us how to spend our own money? No, thank you. Instead, check out Brown Ambition. Each week, I, your host, Mandy Money, gives you real talk, real advice with a heavy dose of I-feel uses. Like on Fridays, when I take your questions for this. the BAQA. Whether you're trying to invest for your future, navigate a toxic workplace, I got you.

Listen to Brown Ambition on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your podcast. I just think the process and the journey is so delicious. That's where all the good stuff is. You just can't live and die by the end result. That's comedian Phoebe Robinson. And yeah, those are the kinds of gems you'll only hear on my podcast, The Bright Side. I'm your host, Simone Boyce. I'm talking to the brightest minds and entertainment. health, wellness, and pop culture. And every week, we're going places in our communities, our careers, and ourselves. So join me every Monday, and let's find The Bright Side together. Listen to The Bright Side on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

What if you've been approaching dating all wrong? Maybe you've put yourself out there, but nothing clicks, or you're still waiting for the right person. Over half of singles today are open to love, yet more than 60% feel burned out by apps. The truth is, finding love isn't about perfection. It's about showing up authentically, reading the right signals, and attracting real connection. In this episode, we're joined by body language specialist Vanessa Van Edwards, love expert Gillian Taraki,

relationship coach, Sadiakhan, and psychotherapist Laurie Gottlieb, a masterclass on attraction, chemistry, and building relationships that last. Let's get into it. The number one health and wellness podcast. Jay Shetty. He won, the only, Jay Shetty. Social scientist Vanessa Van Edwards shifts our attention to the subtleties of connection,

specifically the cues we give off in dating and attraction that often go unnoticed. She explains that we think we're obvious when we're interested, but research shows we're not. In fact, people recognize flirting only 28, of the time. And women often have to send multiple signals quickly just to be understood. Take a listen and stay tuned for the takeaway. Let's say you're at a workout class. Let's say you're at a social space. Maybe it is a rooftop bar, maybe it is a club. Yes. You want to signal

to someone to make a move. You want to let them know that you find them attractive, that you'd like them to do something, but you want to be subtle. You don't want to give it away. How do you let someone know that they should make a move without giving it away. Okay. I'm going to give you news that you're probably not going to like, but it's so important. It's a phenomenon called signal amplification bias. What this is, it's very well studied, that we tend to think we are over-obvious with our cues. So if you're in a bar, they literally studied singles in a bar nightclub setting. Women and men who think they are being obvious with their flirtation cues, the other person has no idea.

Okay? That's so good. They even counted the number of flirtation signals. This was incredible research. They observed singles mingling, and they counted each person's flirtatious signals towards other people in the room. They found in 10 minutes, how many signals do you think it took for a woman to show a man she was interested?

How many, in 10 minutes, how many signals did she have to send? When it actually worked? When it actually worked. Now that you've given me some sort of, I'm going to go 30. 29. Oh, okay, cool. That's it. But do you know how many signals that is in 10 minutes? That's a lot of signals. That is pretty constant. And if you didn't tell me, I probably would have guessed three. Right. It was only because you gave me a sense that there was more. I probably would have said three, seven. That is what women think is it was needed. I sent three flirty glances and he just didn't come over. He's not interested. No, he didn't see him or he doubted himself or he was like, was that a trick of my eye? It took 29 signals in 10 minutes to get. approached so the other person went, oh, she's interested, just interested. That was before the even the conversation started. So what are the flirty glances of availability? And this is what's most

important is in the same group of studies, they found that attractive women, the most attractive women who are rated on their attractiveness, got approached less than unattractive women who didn't signal enough. Fascinating. So if you're an attractive woman and you don't signal enough, you won't be approached. Do you have to approach more based on how objectively attractive you are? You have to be available more. So what they found, and this is so, it's ridiculous that we're rating on attractiveness, but it helps us understand that something I think we use attractiveness as an excuse. I'm not pretty enough or I'm not this enough.

No, actually some unattractive women who signaled availability got approached more. Wow. And so availability actually makes you more attractive. When you think about your hair, your outfit, how you look, how you smell, all those things are great, but they will not work if you do not know the body language, signals of availability. And you have to be super clear with them. So the very first one are flirty glances.

Are you gonna demonstrate? I mean, yeah, I'm gonna demo it for you. Okay, so flirty glances are, typically they are little gaze patterns, is we sweep the room with our eyes, then we see someone we like, we... Oh yeah, nice little side glance. Yeah, like very brief. It's a look back up. It's a look back up.

It's like you're looking around, but then... Look back, yeah. And it's a side look or a down and up. look. The down and up look works really well because you're looking up through your lashes. That's a very, think Marilyn Monroe. So if you want to look at a classic example of this, every good photo of Marilyn Monroe, she has her chin tilted down and she's looking up through her eyes. That is a look that we just like. We just like it. That's why we like it. So it's glancing around the room and then eye contact away, I contact away. Then it's little

smiles. So look and little smile. And by the way, remember, it took 29 of these. So we got to get really comfortable with trying. And the nice thing is, there's no pressure. If he doesn't return the glance, he doesn't return the glance, right? So, um, eye contact, smiles. Self touch is also considered a flirty glance. So like if I play with my hair or I play with my dress, that's a way of signaling our hair health from a evolutionary perspective. It's like, look how healthy I am, my healthy long hair. I think it's one of the reasons why we tend to like long hair. When we'll also, when they're flirting, they'll touch their neck, their lips or their chin. This actually releases is pheromones. So the reason why sometimes women will touch their neck or touch their lips is

because they're actually trying to release their scent. And scent is very, very important. It's important in dating, but it's also important in friendships. For example, it's a little bit off the side of dating, but I just want to explain why smell is so important. I just read this study and I was like, what? They had women wear white t-shirts with no deodorant, no nothing. So just their natural smell for 24 hours. They took these t-shirts and they had other women smell these t-shirts and rate the women on if they liked the smell. Okay, imagine you're opening as a blockback and you're smelling a shirt. This is a painful study.

I would have loved it. I would have loved it. Sign me up for the researchers. I'm there. So they had them smell the t-shirts and they had them rate them on how much they like the smell. Then they have all the women interact in person. They didn't know who's who.

The smell they liked the best predicted who they like the best in person. No way. So they actually found their people. There is something to it. So when you're self-touching like that, it's because we're trying to release this natural smell of what I'm going to probably click with you. Right. If you smell good.

If you smell good. And good is subjective. It's subjective. Like that's why I think why sometimes you're like, we're just clicking. We like like each other's smell. So being available also like releasing pheromone self-touch. And then this one is not from the research, but I'm going to really encourage you to try it. I think the best way to show availability,

is one word. And it sounds like this, hey. Just that, okay? You walk to the bathroom, you walk to the bar, you walk by them, hey. Just like that. Because look, by the way, this is for both men and women. Yeah.

Okay, because life is too short to not hey. Yeah. Right? And there's no pressure. If you walk by someone in the gym, right, and you're like, hey, even if they have their AirPods in, if they like you, they're going to be like, hey. Right.

Does it matter the tone of voice? Because you say it. No, it matters. Yeah, it does matter. It does matter. So if you go like, hey, it's not like, you know. Well, that's pretty good. Okay, all right.

Okay, so I'll do good about me trying to downplay it. That was good. See, men do good with a downward infliction. So like that downward influx is good. So if it goes good, the guy's going to be like, hey, if he did not into it, he's going to be like, hey. Yeah. Right. No problem.

Right? Like, cool. Hey. Yeah. So it's like the most low pressure way when you're in the grocery store, when, even by the way, if someone has AirPods on, they're still going to see you go, and they're going to take out their earpon, and they're going to be like, hey, so here's the difference, right? So I am using the lowest end of my natural tone. This is especially important for women, but everyone, research finds that we decide

how confident someone is within the first 200 milliseconds of hearing them speak. 200 milliseconds. That means the most important word you can say really is, hey, that's it. You've just signaled your your confidence, your confidence, not confidence. It's specifically confidence. Okay, so what does that mean? We are listening for relaxation and breath in the vocal cords. So right now, I'm working really hard to use the lowest end of my natural voice because I know that people are listening and I want to keep them relaxed. When I get nervous, I tend to go a little higher in my vocal tone. I might get a little bit more vocal fry and I might sound a little bit more like this. Now, if I were to do the entire interview in this tone of voice, it would drive you crazy. Absolutely. It's infectious. We

catch it. We don't like to be around people where we could catch their anxiety. We don't want to catch their anxiety. They've even found that we match the voice resonance of the most important person in the room. So when they tested people, they found that they, unsubconsciously, their resonance matched whoever's most important person in their own resonance. The key takeaway here is that confidence and availability beats attractiveness every time. People respond to signals of openness, not perfection. Mastering body language, like like flirty glances, leaning in, mirroring someone's energy can make a huge difference in who you attract.

It just requires intentionality and lowering the stakes so that even a casual hay can lead to big results. Some moments in your life stay with you forever. In a special segment of On Purpose, I share a story about a book, that changed my life early in my journey and how I was able to find the exact same edition on eBay years later. There are certain books that don't just give you information, they shift the way you see the world. I remember reading one when I was younger that completely changed me.

Years later, I found myself thinking about that book again. I wanted the same edition back, not a reprint, not a different cover, that exact one. So I started searching. And that's when I found it on eBay. That's what I love about eBay. It's not just a marketplace. It's a place where stories live. Shop eBay for millions of fines, each with a story. eBay, things people love. Listen to On Purpose on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Up next, love expert Jillian Tareki. She shares the biggest dating mistakes people make and how to build resilience and clarity to find real connection. She reminds us dating isn't just about the one, but about learning who you are. While many expect instant sparks, true connection often grows slowly. And with 70% of people reporting they've been love bombed, moving too fast, can sabotage something meaningful. And above all, Choosing who to share your life with is one of the most important decisions you'll ever make. Don't rush it.

What are the three biggest mistakes I'm making in dating right now? Like, what am I getting wrong about dating? That seems to be the top question. So there's a few things. One is it shouldn't just be the apps. I don't tell people get off the apps. Sometimes I say get on the apps. But if you just focus on that, that's going to burn you out.

And it's going to exhaust you. You're meeting a bunch of strangers. So that's like another mistake that people make is that they're impatient. It's not every day that you meet someone who you want to build a relationship with. Like, it's just not that easy. But you have to get out there. You have to be proactive. Look, there are people who are sitting around on their couch waiting for like that person

to fall onto the couch next to them. And it's not going to happen that way. So you can either live your life to the fullest. and enjoy your life and trust that one day organically it may or may not happen if you put yourself out there and you widen your circle or you actually have to be proactive and that might mean going on a like dating like it's your business like going on a bunch of dates every single week with this low of an expectation as possible because one of the biggest mistakes that people make in dating like I have nothing but compassion and empathy for this but you're texting with someone

and you're kind of excited, you feel like there's a vibe. And then you go out and you're like, I don't feel a spark or I'm not into it. And then there's this, people then get into learned helplessness. And when they go into learned helplessness, they're like, you know, it's the why me, this is never going to happen. It's this state that I am in is permanent. Like, I will never find anyone.

No, dating is really an opportunity for you to practice your social skills. Social skills are things that most people are not that great at. Honestly, even the people who think that they're really great at it. It takes a lot to really talk to someone and not interview them and actually be curious about them. You know, a lot of people are nervous. So practice breathing and being comfortable in your body and getting to know someone and who knows maybe you make a friend

and maybe you never want to see that person again. But at least you're practicing. So the three biggest mistakes is just focusing on the apps and not actually expanding your circle and doing new things and letting certain things unfold organically. Number two, impatience. Number three, just sort of high expectations, but I want to add another one if I can.

Please. People get into these very long, I mean, when I say long, like weeks, texting exchanges with these people, and it gives them a false sense of intimacy. Oh, I have this amazing connection. They never even met the person. And then maybe they never meet. Don't do that.

Text a little bit back and forth like a day and make a date to either meet on FaceTime, Zoom, or in-person. You really should go about it as if your time is too precious to waste texting back and forth with a stranger who may not be available. For a month. Yeah, for a month or more. And then you're getting all excited. I understand like the thrill of it and it's all, it's exciting,

but it's such a waste of time, honestly, you know? Meet the person. As you were speaking, I was thinking about what's at the root of that for so many people. And one of the things that came to me was this fear of rejection. Yes. So even the idea of I'm talking to this person for a month is because I don't have to potentially face meeting someone and them never wanting to meet me again.

Or the resistance that we have to make work and dating feel the same. I know so many people who will cancel on dates last minute because they're scared of, well, what if I go and it doesn't work out? Or, and rejection, by the way, is two types of rejection. One type of rejection is that person doesn't want me. And the other type of rejection is that person doesn't meet my expectations or that person, I don't want to be with them. Yes. So I'm not just saying rejection in that we're scared of, well, what if that person doesn't like me?

We're also scared of the, am I going to reject another person? Like you said, with the high expectations. What do we do about both of those types of fear of rejection? because let's take the more obvious one to start with. We all want to be loved. We want to be liked. We all want the next person to be the person. Yeah.

Chances are that's not going to happen. We know that. Yeah. But still, we struggle with the fact that I'm going to meet someone and they're going to say, well, you're not right for me or, you know, I don't really want to see you again. Like, how do you get over that? Because we talk about it in an entrepreneurship, we talk about it in life.

But when you do it with love, it seems so personal. It's one thing to be rejected by the person, and you love. It's another thing to be rejected by a stranger who you don't know. This is just human nature. We go on dates, even if we're not into the person, we want them to be into us. Or, right? Or like, we find them, let's say we find them attractive. And then we find out, wait, you're not into me. You don't find me attractive. Yeah, but life really, the quality of our lives is very much determined by how well we can confront rejection. Like, you're not going to be for everyone. And I really believe this with all of my heart and soul. If someone is not into you, for whatever reason,

like let's say you're in the early dating process, they're not attracted to you, they're not feeling a spark, whatever it is, they absolutely are not for you. I can guarantee that. So it's important to build that resilience against rejection muscle. First of all, it makes a person more attractive. Second of all, it's just part of life. And I know that it's like you're putting yourself out there, but I wish there was like a magic pill that I could give people to just get over it. But you have to become more resilient when it comes to that. You know, you can't be hiding behind text and not actually meet the person. It sounds hard, but you have to be stronger than that.

Honestly, you really, really do. And you have to just trust that, like, you're not for everyone and not everyone's for you. And yes, it's awkward. And maybe we can just all acknowledge the awkwardness of it all, you know, but you still have to, If you want love and you want a relationship, you have to go for it. You can't just be passive. You're looking for one person to fall in love with you

and for you to fall in love with. And for that, you're going to have to meet a lot of people to find that one person, but all you need is one person to say yes, one person to say, I do, one person to say I love you. And if you're only looking for one person, just by the nature of odds, you should know that that probably won't be the next person. And so switching to that, you said one thing about kind of going in

at the lowest baseline expectation, which I agree with, because then you're allowing it to become a friendship, you're allowing it to become a nothing ship, you're allowing it to become what it is, as opposed to us walking in and going, this next person's gonna be my wife, my husband, whatever it may be, my partner. I think it's so natural for so many of us to want to speed up love.

Yeah. Like speeding up love seems to be our addiction, and obsession with, I just want to meet the one. Now that we're daying, I just want to get married. Now, you know, it's, we're trying to accelerate love almost. So how do we slow it down and how do we take it back to baseline? Number one is there is no the one. There really isn't.

I mean, we actually choose who the one is, and this is really, really important. Love, as I'm sure you know, is a choice. Like, it's a feeling for sure, but we're so, But we're so conditioned to believe that love is just a feeling as opposed to a choice and that when, if you do decide to be with someone long term, you're going to have to make that choice many, many times

throughout your relationship, which is, I choose you, right? So people want to rush it. And so what they do and what I've done is that we lie to ourselves. And it's also because we've been lied by society that there is, and romanticism, that there is this one person who's going to come into your life and rescue you and make your life better. And that once you find that person, like, everything becomes easier. And I'm certainly not advocating for people being in difficult relationships.

But the more challenges you've had in relationships, the less that you've been modeled what it is to actually really love someone, the more you are going to be challenged to overcome and transcend old things and old patterning to actually love someone and to do love. to where it's a verb and not just a feeling. So how do we slow it down and we just want to rush it? It's about acknowledging that feeling. So a lot of people they meet, there's chemistry. And I know that this was me.

I think if there's chemistry, then this is it, as opposed to, well, maybe in the past there's been chemistry and I haven't had chemistry with the right people. So maybe I need to slow down a little bit and sort of process my enthusiasm. And it's not about, I don't want anyone to, I don't want to rain on anyone's parade. Like, all that stuff is really fun in the beginning. But you want to just say, okay, hold on, what am I feeling right now? This feels really good. This is really exciting.

But I need to slow down because I actually need to uncover this person's character. I need to uncover their values. I perhaps need to get a little bit clearer on what it is that I need, what it is that I value, and what it is that I really, really want. not just my preference, but what do I need in order to function in a relationship? Do I have some understanding of myself? You know, it's difficult. Women childbearing age, societal pressures, get married.

I understand I have nothing but compassion for that. The more that I can stress that who you decide to partner with is one of the most important decisions you will ever make in your entire life. and we are meant to kind of get it wrong and some of us get it wrong for a longer time than others, right? But it is the most important decision so if you're going to rush that

you're really truly doing yourself a disservice and you have to get comfortable with the fact that yes, you're scared, you're scared to be alone, you're scared to not be loved, you don't want to be in the dating world, I get all of that, be mindful of it. you know, connect to that within yourself and remind yourself always that who you decide to spend your life with might be one of the most important decisions,

if not the most important decision, because there's no one in your life who's gonna have a bigger impact on your overall well-being and emotional state than the person who you choose to spend your life with. So you've got to take that decision very seriously and not rush it. I've often said to friends, there's the pain of being single, And there's the pain of being in the wrong relationship. Yes.

And the pain of being single is a lot better than the pain of being in the wrong relationship. Agree 100%. It's so hard when you're dating someone and you've got enmeshed into each other's lives. There's the toxicity, there's complexity, there's, as you said earlier, there's a disconnect in your values, the person's character. You think you just discovered it, but actually they should. I showed it all along and you didn't see the signs. And now you're thinking, gosh, I was happier when I was single.

And you can't see that when you're single because the promise of being in a relationship is so alluring and intoxicating that we feel like I must have that now. Yes. And many of those people might think, yes, it's easier when I'm single, but they're actually afraid to go back to it. And that's why they stay in these relationships because we fear the unknown. fear the unknown. The key takeaway here is that while you're only looking for that one person, understand that it might not be the next person. But that doesn't mean you stop showing up. It means you use discernment to get clearer, stronger and more grounded in who you are and what needs you have. When you do that, you're able to show up authentically and honor what you deserve.

When news broke earlier this year that baby KJ, a newborn in Philadelphia, had successfully received the world's first personalized gene editing treatment, it represented a milestone for both researchers and patients. But there's a gripping tale of discovery behind this accomplishment and its creators. I'm Evan Ratliff, and together with biographer Walter Isaacson, we're delving into the story of Nobel Prize winner Jennifer Dowdna, the woman who's helped change the trajectory of humanity. Listen to Aunt CRISPR, the story of Jennifer Dowdna with Walter Isaacson on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcast. Hey, sis, what if I could promise you you never had to listen to a condescending finance bro? Tell you how to manage your money again. Welcome to Brown Ambition. This is the hard part when you pay down those credit cards.

If you haven't gotten to the bottom of why you were racking up credit or turning to credit cards, you may just recreate the same problem a year from now. When you do feel like you are bleeding from these high interest rates, I would start shopping for a debt consolidation loan, starting with your local credit union, shopping around online, looking for some online lenders because they tend to have fewer fees and be more affordable. Listen, I am not here to judge. It is so expensive in these streets. I 100% can see how in just a few months you can have this much credit card debt when it weighs on you.

It's really easy to just like stick your head in the sand. It's nice and dark in the sand. Even if it's scary, it's not going to go away just because you're avoiding it. And in fact, it may get even worse. For more judgment-free money advice, listen to Brown Ambition on the IHeart Radio. app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your podcast. It may look different, but native culture is very alive. My name is Nicole Garcia, and on Burn Sage, Burn Bridges, we aim to explore that culture.

It was a huge honor to become a television writer because it does feel oddly, like, very traditional. It feels like Bob Dylan going electric, that this is something we've been doing for a hundred of years. You carry with you a sense of purpose and confidence. That's Sierra Taylor Ornellis, who with Rutherford Falls, became the first native showrunner in television history. On the podcast Burn Sage Burn Bridges, we explore her story, along with other Native stories,

such as the creation of the first Native Comic-Con or the importance of reservation basketball. Every day, Native people are striving to keep traditions alive while navigating the modern world, influencing and bringing our culture into the mainstream. Listen to Burn Sage Burn Bridges on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. So often in dating, we obsess over who we're attracting. But the real question is, who are we entertaining? The next guest is relationship coach Sadia Khan.

Nearly 80% of datas report being ghosted at least once. And Sadia reveals that attraction isn't the issue. Most of us can attract all types of people. The problem is what we normalize, the late-night text, the dismissiveness, the person who never makes space for you. That's where we lose our power. Most people I speak to feel like they keep attracting people who are unavailable, people who don't want to commit, people who don't have the emotional capacity for connection.

Why is it? It's not what we attract is what we entertain. Most people can attract pretty much everybody. Yeah, if we try hard enough, we can pretty much attract to everybody. But when we have low self-esteem, we have these personal prophecies that people are supposed to be a bit unavailable, or people are supposed to pay hard to get, or it's normal that he doesn't text back, or it's normal that he doesn't really ask me how my day is. It's normal that he only texts me at 12 a.m. on a Friday night. And because they believe that that's normalized to themselves, they start to accept what's actually not going to lead to a healthy relationship. The moment they figure out not what they're attracting, but what they're entertaining, they can take their power back and say, I'm actually attracting all types of men. But the ones I keep forming an attachment to are the ones that leave me a bit anxious and the ones that leave me worrying what this is and where this is going. Instead of being attracted to that, I start to learn that that is a signal that they've got

commitment issues. And all it's going to do is delay my time, delay my ability to get married, delay my ability to have a family and so on and so forth. So we can attract all types of men, but we only entertain the ones that will enable you to start a family in a relationship or whatever your goal is. They enable that. And if they don't enable that, try and lose attraction for them. Why do we feel more attracted to people who make us anxious and who are unavailable?

Why is it that we think that they're the ones worth chasing? Firstly, if we have low self-esteem, we kind of see as that this is supposed to happen. Nobody's supposed to just overly adore and love us. That's probably not going to happen. It's normal that we get treated like this, if that's just a low self-esteem. But the other thing is unavailable men, sometimes they demonstrate the idea of having options and alternatives. Their mystery makes them seem more desirable. And because of that mystery, we assume that they've got something interesting going on,

they've got alternatives, there's something about them that's making them busy and making them dismissive. When we really realize that, it's actually they're just emotionally immature. They're not this special guy that's got a million things going and his work is taking over and he's so, so busy. Actually, he's just emotionally mature. He doesn't know how to commit. He doesn't know how to ward off alternatives and just focus on one person at the time.

When you realize that it's actually a signal of emotional immaturity than desirability, we actually won't be so attracted to that person who can't communicate in a healthy way. I think just spot on, when I'm listening to you, I'm thinking if you want someone like anyone should who texts back within a decent amount of time, that's not an abnormal request. And nobody is that that busy.

I know like men like to say, I'm busy at work or I've got this going on, I'm that stressed, completely understandable. But one text to let that person know will enable them to just relax the whole day, but you can't have the emotional maturity or the empathy to just send that quick, then that person doesn't understand what it takes to have a healthy relationship and they're probably

not worth your investment. Obviously, a lot of people these days aren't even getting that far because they're meeting people on dating apps. And so you're swiping away. You might get into a conversation with two or three people. First of all, let's talk about this. You're not matching with anyone. Like no one, it doesn't feel like it's going that well. What do you say to men and women who feel like they've been rejected a few too many times and they're losing that faith and ability to feel that there is someone out there for them. Just to be careful on, are you actually not matching or are you disliking who you're matching with?

Sometimes what's happened is because of social media and because of dating apps, we enter relationships with almost like a double standard or a sense of comparison of comparing people to our algorithms. We're saying, well, if he's not the dream guy or if she's not the dream girl, if he's not a high value man and she's not a high value woman, we start to look at our matches with a level of like distaste when sometimes a better thing to do is look at the people who are matching with you and try and see, are they actually that bad? Are they some, is there something wrong with them? Or am I just comparing them to a dream idea of a partner that I haven't actually

to be unable to access? I always just think the more you like the person you are, the higher your self-esteem, the more you like people who like you. The fact that the person that are matching you, automatically you start to like them more because they've matched you because you like you and they like you as well. When you've got low self-esteem, you chase off to people that you can't access. So my advice to people is always start with who likes you. Always start with that pool and then home in on that pool and see if you've got similar demographics, values, so on and so forth. But where people go wrong is they glorify the people that they're not matching with and wanting a love that they've never been able to access and then comparing who they do get matched with these alternatives that aren't really real. So the better thing is to focus on who does and maybe adapt your standards to those people who are actually invested in you.

It's so true. And I feel like what I'm thinking people are going to say is, well, why do I have to settle? If similarity feels like settling, then maybe your standards are too high. And what I mean by that is I sometimes will meet men who are in their, maybe in their 40s, on their second divorce and saying, I don't want a woman with baggage. So I need somebody 25 years old. I don't want women with baggage. Or sometimes I meet women who are not working and they say, I want a man that's an entrepreneur and got six figures. But I always just say, shouldn't you be looking for someone similar to you? And if similar to you starts to feel like you're settling,

then maybe your standards are a bit inflated. If what you're bringing to the table and what you're receiving, if you're asking for that, you're not asking for too much. But if you're asking for people to fill the gaps in your self-worth, maybe you do need to adapt your standards a little bit. So ask yourself, does similarity feel like settling? If it does, then maybe we need to work on ourselves to be able to access people that we're actually craving.

Yeah, it's so much of what you're talking about is just having awareness and honesty. I know. Like there's such a need to be honest with ourselves. And it's getting hard. is getting harder to become honest with ourselves because we are bombarded with advice from TikToks and advice from, you know, people that are giving advice about never settle, you're somebody's dream girl or this is a high value woman. So we think that if we get anything less than what our

algorithm is suggesting, we're settling. When really, as long as we're matched in terms of values and maturity and where we see ourselves in the future, we're not truly settling. We're just finding somebody who's compatible. I mean, so many people on dating apps these days, their common experience is being ghosted, and I'm sure you've heard from a million people about feeling like, hey, we were having a good chat, and this person just disappeared. What would be your advice as someone who feels like they've got ghosted? I would say try and have the reasonable expectations. Unfortunately, in the digital world, people see each other as disposable, and there's very

minimal investment, so they don't always feel like they owe somebody an explanation. And usually when they're ghosting, it's either they've met alternatives or they might have just been on the app to buy some time to heal from a heartbreak. They're not truly looking for a partner. They're just looking to kind of heal some or kind of recover from some kind of stress that they're going through as a coping mechanism. So if they're ghosting, you try not to take it too personal. But if you've been dating that person and then they ghost you, chances are they're hiding information. Ghosters, regardless of their reason, they're still poor communicators. And whatever the reason that they have for ghosting you, the bigger reason is they're not great at communicating.

so try and reduce your attraction to people who can't communicate well. Sardia reminds us it's not about attracting the right person, but having the self-esteem to stop entertaining the wrong ones. If someone leaves you anxious, that's not chemistry, it's immaturity. If similarity feels like settling, your standards may be shaped by comparison culture. And if someone ghost you, it's poor communication, reason enough to walk away. In the end, who you choose to entertain shapes the same. the quality of your relationships. Build your self-esteem, use your agency, and invest in those

who truly value you. Finally, therapist and author Laurie Gottlieb shows us how to face the hardest moments in dating, speaking your truth, knowing when to stay, and having the courage to leave. Being honest about what you want isn't needy, it's brave, yet 60% of people admit staying in relationships longer than they should, while only 6% leave too soon. Avoiding honesty isn't kindness, it's avoidance. The key to transformation in love isn't fixing someone else. It's growing yourself. Lots of people will say, oh, you know, I know, I think my other person that I'm dating is also dating other people.

I would like to not date other people, but I'm afraid that I'll appear too needy too early, right? As opposed to just being honest about what you want, they can say yes or no. But to be clear about, look, we're dating. I don't feel comfortable with, I can't. really feel like I can get close to you if I know that you're dating other people at this point because we're spending a lot of time together. So how do you feel about this? Are you ready to be in an exclusive relationship? Is that of interest to you? If they say, no, wow, great, you've learned a lot. You can make a choice like, I'm comfortable doing this for another month or I'm

not or, you know, whatever it is. Or they can say, oh, I didn't know that that was important to you and I would like that too. Let's do that. Or I'm not ready to do that. So, people do this in all kinds of situations. It's not just about marriage. They're so afraid to just bring their true selves into the kind of relationship where the whole game here is bringing your true self to it. So if you can't practice that,

at any point in the relationship, you're not ready to be together for the long term. You can't just say, oh, now that we're engaged, now I can bring my true self. Well, that's a recipe for disaster because now it's like you've misrepresented what you actually want to need in a relationship and maybe the other person has misinterpreted what you want to need because you haven't expressed it.

But we're so, it's, I'm fully with you. I just find that we're so, it's so hardwired in us. Like, we're so scared of rejection. Yeah. How do you feel about those shows? And yes, they're entertaining. And yes, we love to get into all the gossip and what's going on and everything. How is that affecting our views and our own relationships?

Yeah. I haven't actually seen those shows, but many of my therapy clients talk about them. You know, finding love is just such. a important pillar of human happiness and connection that it breaks my heart when I see that we're tripping ourselves up. And when I asked my community what was one of the things that they think trips them up, it was this idea that they have now coined future tripping, this idea of planning the future in their head, visioning a future with this person. When things are looking okay or good, in their head, they're, you know, in the most extreme cases, imagining their wedding day

or what their kids might look like. But even in the immediate sense, like, this could be it. This is amazing. This is going to last. And then all of a sudden, they get a reality check where that person is not really mirroring that back. How do we stop ourselves from future tripping? Or is there a healthy way of future tripping with the person?

Is there a collective, collaborative future tripping? Like, what does that look like? I think the future tripping is being in the present. And what I mean is what's happening now is what is going to look like in the future. So instead of imagining, oh, this person will change in this way or this, we're going to have this kind of life, but you don't know if the other person wants that kind of life. If you're not talking about it now in the present, you don't know. How does this person treat me now?

What is it like when we're together? The biggest indicator would be we had a disagreement. How did we get through it? That's what your future is going to look like. We didn't agree on this. We were frustrated with each other. We had a difference of opinion. how did we repair that rupture?

We talk a lot about rupture and repair. Everybody's going to have ruptures. You have it with your family members, with your friends, with your coworkers, with your parents, with your children, especially with your romantic partners, because we have this misguided notion that we shouldn't have a rupture with them because we're so in love and we see each other and we see eye to eye. But of course you're going to have ruptures. It's not so much whether you're going to have a rupture. It's what do you do with it and what does it look like. So if you have been dating for, let's say, six months and you haven't had a rupture, you guys are not going deep enough. You guys don't know each other well enough. You're still on your best behavior. You have to be able to be yourselves. That's going to tell you what the future looks like. So stop the pretending, be yourself, be what you want your future to look like, act like you want your future to look like, see how the other person acts, and see what happens between the two of you. And a repair would look like something like, oh, I didn't, you know, we're having a disagreement right now, why don't we take 15 minutes and let's come back when

we're not so heated and let's talk about that. Or you know you made a mistake. You know what? I've been thinking about this. Say you have an argument. You say we're not going to talk for a few minutes. Let's go cool off, whatever. You call them back and you say, you know what? I thought about it. I was wrong. And I'm so sorry. Here's what I did. And I wish I had done it this way. and that's great if your partner can do that or if you can do that right and then if your partner then can accept that without shaming you if your partner can say i really appreciate that and i wish that i had reacted differently in this way and how can i be more supportive in those moments that's beautiful that's your future but you have to see it in the present you can't imagine what the future is going to be

you have to actually live it in the present and say oh now i know it's going to be just like it is right now. Yeah. And, and like you're saying, like, if you are making plans in your head, but you're uncomfortable to talk about those plans, then they only exist in your head. Yeah. Like, they aren't real. They aren't, they aren't going there. The takeaway, your needs in dating are valid. Your truth is enough. And your growth will either deepen the connection or free you for something better. Dating isn't just about swiping or waiting for luck. It's about presence, clarity, and self-worth. Here's what we heard today that I want you to remember. You can't attract the right person until you get to know yourself.

You can't receive what you want until you learn to ask for it. You will attract what you're willing to entertain. And real chemistry comes from honesty, openness, and courage. Whether you're just putting yourself back out there or actively dating, remember, love isn't found. It's created and you're worthy of creating it. If you love this episode, you're going to love my conversation with Matthew Hussey on how to get over your ex and find true love in your relationships. People should be compassionate to themselves, but extend that compassion to your future self because truly extending your compassion to your

future self is doing something that gives him or her a shot at a happy and a peaceful life. The risks they took would be unthinkable to any doctor today, but odds are someone you know is alive because of them. Welcome to the Wild West of American Medicine. I'm Chris Pine in this This is Cardiac Cowboys, a podcast that tells the gripping true story behind the birth of open heart surgery and the maverick surgeons who made it happen. Listen to the Cardiac Cowboys podcast starting February 6th and the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. It's important that we just reassure people that they're not alone and there is help out there. The Good Stuff podcast, season two, takes a deep look into One Tribe Foundation, a nonprofit, fighting suicide in the veteran community.

September is National Suicide Prevention Month, so join host Jacob and Ashley Schick as they bring you to the front lines of One Tribe's mission. One Tribe, save my life twice. Welcome to Season 2 of the Good Stuff. Listen to the Good Stuff podcast on the Iheart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcast. Hey guys, it's AZ Fudd.

You may know me as a gold medalist. You may know me as an NCAA national champion. You may even know me as the People's Princess. Every week on my new podcast, Fud Around and Find Out, I'll be talking to some special guests about pop culture, basketball, and what it's like to be a professional athlete on and off the court. Listen to Fud Around and Find Out, a production of IHart Women's Sports and partnership with unanimous media

on the IHart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcast. This is an IHart podcast.