On Purpose with Jay Shetty - Lilly Singh ON: Giving Yourself Permission to Grow & How to Identify Your Limiting Beliefs That Are Keeping You Stuck

Episode Date: April 4, 2022

You can order my new book 8 RULES OF LOVE at 8rulesoflove.com or at a retail store near you. You can also get the chance to see me live on my first ever world tour. This is a 90 minute interactive show where I will take you on a journey of finding, keeping and even letting go of love. Head to jayshettytour.com and find out if I'll be in a city near you. Thank you so much for all your support - I hope to see you soon.Jay Shetty sits down with Lilly Singh to talk about breaking free from the norm and knowing how to become the person you want to be. Our society often has rules, standards, and systems that are seen as absolute, unbending, and necessary. Most people aren’t given the chance to be themselves, work in their own space, and process their experiences at their own pace. What happens when you get to think differently and contribute positively to the world in another way?Lilly Singh is an incredibly talented, multifaceted entertainer, actress, producer, writer, and creator. A leading force in the digital world, she has amassed a global audience of over 38 million followers across our social media channels, where she writes, directs, producers, and stars in comedic and inspirational videos. Currently, Lily can be seen in the second season of Hulu's comedy, Dollface, where she will play, Liv, a queer borrow note with a confident sense of humor opposite Shay Mitchell. This coming April 2022, she's going to be part of the star-studded ensemble cast for the Dreamworks animation action comedy, The Bad Guys. On April 5th, Lilly will release her second book.Want to be a Jay Shetty Certified Life Coach? Get the Digital Guide and Workbook from Jay Shetty https://jayshettypurpose.com/fb-getting-started-as-a-life-coach-podcast/What We Discuss:00:00 Intro04:20 Be a Triangle07:35 Another way of contributing to the world12:02 Dismantling your value system15:42 Home is not a physical building21:39 You’re a changing, adapting, and evolving person27:12 “I came out as bisexual to my family…”36:48 A process of meditation that works43:32 The missed calls from the universe49:32 Make sure you have fun59:12 Lilly on Final FiveEpisode ResourcesLilly Singh | InstagramLilly Singh | TwitterLilly Singh | YouTubeLilly Singh | FacebookBe a TriangleSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

I'm Jay Shetty and on my podcast on purpose, I've had the honor to sit down with some of the most incredible hearts and minds on the planet. Oprah, Kobe Bryant, Kevin Hart, Louis Hamilton, and many, many more. On this podcast, you get to hear the raw real-life stories behind their journeys and the tools they used, the books they read, and the people that made a difference in their lives so that they can make a difference in hours. Listen to on purpose with Jay Shetty on the I Heart Radio app Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. Join the journey soon. What do a flirtatious gambling double agent in World War Two? An opera singer who burned down an honorary to kidnap her lover.

And a pirate queen who walked free with all of her spoils, haven't comment. They're all real women who were left out of your history books. You can hear these stories and more on the Womanica podcast. Check it out on the I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen. What if you could tell the whole truth about your life, including all those tender invisible things we don't usually talk about?

I'm Megan Devine. Host of the podcast, it's okay that you're not okay. Look, everyone's at least a little bit not okay these days, and all those things we don't usually talk about, maybe we should. This season, I'm joined by Stellar, Gas like Abormatte, Rachel Cargol, and so many more. It's okay that you're not okay. New episodes each and every Monday, available on the iHeart Radio app,

or wherever you listen to podcasts. My parents, this was not the thing they grew up with. Like I said, their concerns growing up were we have to make it, we have to provide for our kids, and I know that any concern, and I know this in my heart, I didn't know it in that moment sitting in my room, but I know it now. Any concerns they might have expressed were not because they didn't love me

or they wanted me to be unhappy. It's because in their understanding, they wanted to protect me from the world. Hey everyone, welcome back to On Purpose, the number one health podcast in the world. Thanks to each and every single one of you that come back every week to listen, learn, and grow. And I am so excited to be talking to you today. I can't believe it. My new book, Eight Rules of Love, is out. And I cannot wait to share with you.

I am so, so excited for you to read this book. For you to listen to this book, I read the audiobook. If you haven't got it already, make sure you go to 8 rules of love.com. It's dedicated to anyone who's trying to find, keep, or let go of love. So if you've got friends that are dating, broken up, or struggling with love, make sure you grab this book. And I'd love to invite you to come and see me for my global tour. Love rules. Go to jsheddytour.com to learn more information about tickets, VIP experiences and more. I can't wait to see you this year. Now today's guest is one of the few select guests that are on the podcast twice. She was in our first three episodes of all time and on purpose. It is my dear friend. The incredibly talented, the multi-faceted entertainer, actress,

producer, writer, and creator, a leading force in the digital world, she has amassed a global audience, get this, of over 38 million followers across her social media channels, where she writes, directs, produces, and stars in comedic and inspirational videos. Currently, Lily can be seen in the second season of Hulu's comedy, Dolphase, and if you haven't seen it highly recommended, where she will play live a queer bar owner with a confident sense of humor, kind of like her, opposite Shea Mitchell. This coming April 2022, she's going to be part of the star-studded ensemble cast for the Dreamworks Animation Action Comedy Bad Guys. On April 5, Lily will release her second book, and this is what we're going to talk about

today. And if you haven't already, I want you to head over to the comments and the link section and the caption and order this book, even before this podcast is going to be epic, be a triangle. How I went from being lost to getting my life into shape, following her New York Times bestselling book, How to Be a Bounce, a guide to surviving and conquering life. Now, Lily is a dear friend. I know her deeply. I spend all of my COVID nights spending Katana with her,

listening to music, her beating me a ping pong, and we just bonded so much. Lily, sing in the house. Lily, thank you for being here. I'm thrilled to be, I could watch you all day long. The smile on my face, because like we said, we're friends, but when I see you do all this, I'm just like, I could watch you forever.

Thank you for having me. Well, I could read your glories forever. I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, look at that down like, I think we share this in common, but when I look at how hard you work and I know how much effort you've put in to serving humanity, to inspiring people, to building what you're doing, to show young girls all over the world what's possible, and young

people all over the world, and a younger me all over the world too, I'm just amazed. And what I love about you most is that when we are together, you're the sweetest, kindest, most hospitable, just, I want everyone to know. Lily is amazing at table placements. Oh my God, thank you for saying that. Oh my God, that's a wrap, we're good here. Yes, a lot of people don't know this, but I'm a huge nerd. If I could quit my job and do anything,

I would just want to set tables for the rest of my life. You're the most hospitable human. I come to your house and I'm just like, wow, this is amazing. Absolutely. The handkerchief, like choice, where it's placed. Anyway. Please know why steam the napkins before you get served.

So, this is all or nothing, it's all or nothing. It's all or nothing. But I love it because we're talking about your book today. Yes. Be a triangle, which is so exciting because your first book came out. I think now five years ago, which is incredible. What is time? I know.

And the fact that you focused on building and writing this amazing book, which you thankfully sent to me. I got to read it ahead of time. I've read some of my favorite chapters. Today we get to dive in. And like I said, everyone is watching or listening back at home, makes you go and order this book.

Not only is Lily one of my favorite people in the world. She bears a soul in this book, makes it super accessible and relevant, and it's highly practical and has the cutest images in it as well. But let's dive in. When I first heard you announce the title, I was just fascinated.

I was so intrigued. I was like, be a triangle. I was like, what does that mean? I was only ever called square growing up. That's the same. Or other words. And I was like, what does it mean to be a triangle? Let's start there.

Yes, I was also called square and then during COVID, I turned into a circle. And now I've decided that my shape is triangle. You know, it's interesting you bring this up because, and I'll tell you, explain the title in a second, but I actually had to fight for this title because when I had sent the email to my team, being like, I know this is not immediately understandable,

but no other title will suffice. Has to be a triangle. And the response I got was, it's kind of confusing. And I was like, no, I stuck to my guns. And I'm so happy I did because it is what the book is about. The book is about me really coming to terms with the fact that although I've done a lot of cool things in my life, you rattled off a few in the intro.

And although I'm on my fourth vision board, I think during COVID, I really had a moment when everything went away and I had no events and I had nothing. It's not that I was like, oh, I really had a moment when everything went away and I had no events and I had nothing. It's not that I was like, oh, I'm a workaholic and now I'm bored, it was deeper than that. It was that, oh, I don't think I have any value right now. I can't measure myself in any way

because I don't have events and I don't have work. And so I'm just kind of floating in space, unsure of what to do or how to think of myself or how to think of life right now. And I realized that's because work was the only thing I associated value with. I never really thought about, well, what kind of person do you want to be? And if you accomplish all things on your vision board, how should that make you feel? And how come you don't feel that way right now?

And so I got to thinking and the root of it was that I never had a solid foundation of just what my belief system is. You know, what do I want my values to be? Where do I want to be? Not just professionally, but spiritually, mentally. What do I really care about and what's important? And that's all about building foundation. Now one of the strongest structural shapes on the planet is a triangle. And so I thought shapes on the planet is a triangle. And so I thought, I need to be a triangle. I need to build a strong foundation for myself

so that all of my life experiences and everything from this moment on, I can put on top of this strong foundation. That is perfect. And I love that you stuck to your guns. Yes, I know I'm just like, what are you talking about? Be a what?

And I was like, be a triangle. It's gotta be this. So I went through a similar thing that when I wrote the title, think like a monk, and I was always the title that I wanted for my first move. Great title. And 14 out of 17 imprints that heard that title said that I should change it.

Really? Because they didn't want me to have that as the title. That's a great title. But they said to me, they said, well, who wants to think like a monk? People don't even know what monks are. They don't know what they do. And I was like, but it's so true to what I'm trying to share

with the world is like, this is the line of wisdom that I learned from. And it sounds like you're saying the same thing. It's like, this is what I'm actually asking people to do. I don't need to come up with a catchy gimmicky title. Correct. Just to sell a book. I completely agree because I think so much of my life

like I'll be real. I mean thousands and thousands of YouTube videos. We do stuff on social media. You need to be a little clicky and buzzzy and grab people's attention. For this though, such a vulnerable, raw piece of work, I was like, I don't want to do that. If this is the title that I think feels right,

and it's what I actually want to communicate, this is what it's going to be. Yeah, I love that you brought about how we value ourselves. And I want to start there. And you talk a lot about in the book, what we learned at school, what we didn't learn at school. Where do you think we learned to ascribe our value to anything in life?

Like you said, you saw work as your value. What are some of those other values that people ascribe to? And where do you think we developed them? I mean, I think there's a few ways, and I can only speak to me dissecting my own life. I think for me, a lot of it is definitely cultural. I mean, you can probably relate to this as both being South Asian, is that my family

and my community, they really do value a degree. We live in a time right now where I'm not trying to bash school, but I don't know a single person using their degree right now, but doesn't matter to my parents, a degree is the save all end all you need the degree or else you are not educated. You know, you have to establish a family, you have to get married, you have to have kids

because you have to keep the family name going. You have to contribute back to the world through kids because they are not used to another way of contributing to the world. Their understanding is that you contribute to the world through having kids and making the world progress. See, I, for a long time, and this is where I get really real as for a long time, I think I had a bit of a chip

on my shoulder when I thought of my parents and I thought of my culture because I thought, you guys only have one way of doing things. Like, I do things different. I'm from a different time and place, but that was really unfair of me because I never took the time to understand, well why are my parents actually like this?

You know, is it just that they're older? Is it just that they were born in India? So through the work of my therapist, and honestly through writing this book, I was like, you know, it's actually a lot to do with generational trauma. It's about my parents were born in Punjab, India. They didn't have

the luxury of being like, today I'm going to care about my mental health. Today I'm going to contribute to the world by making a YouTube video and motivating people. They were like, hey, we're in a country with a billion people. There's a limited resources. We need to problem solve every day. We need to survive every day. The things that matter are family sticking together, survival, education, getting a good job, money, food on the table. And now I've taken the tools that they have taught me, and I'm trying to use them in a time and place

that is not that time and place. Yeah. So that's where I think it comes from. And I talk about in the book that in school, when you look back, you're measured by grades and in work, you're measured by promotions and salaries. And that's how you measure growth and success. But as a kid, it was never like, hey, Lily, today, you were really patient.

And that marks growth. Like that didn't matter. It didn't matter if you grew mentally or spiritually. It was always measured by something else. Yeah, I love that. What a beautiful switch of mindset, because that is something that you can measure every day. You can measure every day if you feel more patient, or you feel more kind,

or you feel more supportive, or supported, but you can't measure a view count, or an award every day. Like that's like one percent, I mean, you've won so many awards in your career, and you look at that and you go, that was like one percent of the experience. That was like the percent of the experience.

That was like the top of the pyramid, but it's the tiniest part. Oh, tiniest part of the triangle, right? It's like the tip of the triangle. It's like the tip of the triangle where you're like, that was just the tip, but the whole journey together was where all the hard work was. Absolutely. And I think one of the reasons I was so resilient to the things I write about in this book is literally when I write the book, I keep thinking five years ago,

the person wrote How to Be a Boss, which I still believe everything I wrote in that book. But I think I was resistant at first because I was like, no, but I still love working. And I still want to hustle. And I still want the awards. And I'll be honest and say, I want the awards. I want the events. I want the accomplishments.

I think the switch is not choosing between two things. It's saying, you can have that, but what does it mean? Yes. So what does it mean? You don't have to eliminate it, but is the award your value, or is it a consequence of you having great values on this journey? Yes, that is so well said.

I love that. It is not, it is the consequence of having good values. Is it your value? Is it the consequence of having good values? That it your value? Is it the consequence of having good values? That is a beautiful line. Everyone cut that up. Me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, same way because to me, it makes me feel like mental health is winning. It makes me feel like the things I'm standing for are winning. It helps me realize that we are making a dent in the mainstream where these comments and these conversations need to happen.

Now, when I look back at what you're saying here, how difficult was it to dismantle your value system? Because I think that's why we don't do it, right? When you actually look at it and you go, wow, value my work, or I value how much people like me, or I value how many followers I have, or I value how many positive comments I get, when you live in that world, which a lot of people do,

you don't have to be a creator or an artist to feel that way. How do you get the courage to actually look inward and go, wow, I need to dismantle my value system. Yeah, it can be really, really scary. And I think you're absolutely right. That's why people hesitate to do it. Because it's so, so strange. There were moments when I was writing the book

when I was alone in a room. No one else was there. And I would find myself beessing a little on the page of a corner you're lying to's no one here like rip this up and start again Like what are you actually what do you actually care about because years ago from honest I wouldn't sit here and say no I do care about money. I do actually care about I like that I have a big I wouldn't say that because I would think I'm gonna come across this way and that's not what I'm supposed to care about No again, it's be honest with yourself.

You're allowed to value whatever you want. It's just doing the work to understand what those things mean. And if also those things should be the driving forces behind your happiness. Because the thing with the awards and all that stuff is like I said, when you think of them like a consequence, if they happen great, but if they don't happen, your whole world

doesn't crash down. I think that was the issue I had before I wrote this book. I thought, oh, my post is not getting these likes. Oh, I don't have the work, my travels got canceled. Now I don't have purpose, value, and happiness. That is where I don't want to be. And so I think it was scary for me to figure out my values, but also more than scary, just really difficult

because there is no map to do that. You know, I remember sitting down writing this book and for two days, I would just stare at a blank screen thinking, if this was a math problem, I would be able to Google this. I would be able to dig up some lesson from my math teacher, but we've just never been taught as kids how to do any of this work.

So that's what I'm attempting to go through in this book. I love it. And I want to dive into it. And what I love as I said about the book is that there's all these beautiful sketches. And you're telling me, just offline, you're telling me about the amazing artists that did this. Yeah, absolutely.

So the artist, her name is Paper Samosa. On Instagram, her name is Sime. She's fantastic. But the story is that a couple years ago, when I got my late night show, we had no money, no budget. And I had this office in the writers room and I was like Oh, I really need some pizzazz because it's a creative space We have no money to buy art or anything like that

So I found on Instagram and I said would you be willing to gift me a few prints? So I can put it in my writing room for the first season of my late night show I don't have a budget to offer you from the studio, but I promised you like I'll be so appreciative and maybe karma will come around. And then when I did this book, I was like, you know what? She's going to illustrate my book. So it's a complete full circle moment. That's so beautiful. And a lesson to everyone if I ask for something free, you should do everyone should just give me, you know, Lamborghini Ferrari. You should just give me the free thing because you never know it will come back You never know it's guaranteed I love it. No, but they're honestly incredible and one of the things you talk about in this book that I love is

You talk about this idea of coming home. Yes, and when I started to read that in your book and there's obviously each chapter You talk about coming home to something different I love that language because I think about all the time, even when I come home to my physical home. I always think about, what do I want to come home to? How do I want to feel, especially because I work hard, I try my best, I'm doing this and that, and I always think, what environment do I want to come home to?

What does coming home mean to you before we dive into each chapter? And where did that language come to you from? Like, what does that mean to you? Yeah, I think you know when I was writing this book, I really wanted it to be, hey, you don't need to have a bunch of fancy tips and tricks and all these ways to get happy.

It's really something that's within you already. And it's organizing what's within you and deciding where you wanna go from there. And so I've learned that home is not a place. It is not a physical building. You know, it is, and I especially learned that during COVID because I was in the physical building of my home and I wasn't able to see my family for two years and I was like, I don't feel like I'm at home. Home for me is a place that gives you that feeling of safety,

security, no judgment. You can just be and return to what really matters, you know, a reset. So I came up with these places mentally that could be home, that when you go out in the day and you hear your friends spilling the tea and your other friends got relationship drama and all this stuff is going down, where can you come home to in your mind to reset and no judgment and recharge, just like you would physically, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And let's go into that because I think, and you've posted about this several times, and you post like candidly and you post like, what you really look like right now, where this is one of the shows you did the night before. Absolutely, but wearing spanks, you will know. Yeah, you know, and it's like, you're so open about it,

but I've heard you talk about how like so often when we look in the mirror, we wearing spanks, you will know. Yeah, you're, you know, and I said, you're so open about it, but I've heard you talk about how like so often when we look in the mirror, we're criticizing ourselves, or so often when we see ourselves in a somewhere we are judgmental. So for a lot of people coming home is actually all those things as well. Absolutely. Tell us about how you've started to shift

that dialogue for yourself. Like when we look in the mirror, more people are probably saying something negative about themselves than positive about themselves, right? I have learned that I very seldom give myself, cut myself any slack. I am truly, and I know it's cliche, but I'm truly my toughest critic in the sense that I could have a super successful day, and the one hiccup that went wrong, I look in the mirror, and I'll be like, okay, well next time we got to make sure that doesn't happen, and you got to

be better prepared. And so I am very critical of myself. And that's why the language coming home was so important to me because home is not a place you should feel that judgment. And why I wrote, come home is, okay, I'm going to go to this place mentally where Lily even you, you don't get to tell yourself all the things that went wrong. You don't get to be that you let yourself be human at home. You know, home was where the pants are not.

You let yourself be human. And so that was really important to me. I've, it sounds simple, but it's a complex idea of, I've given myself permission to be a human at home. Yes, yes. And I think we all have to get to that point and your right is in a tip or a trick or a life hack. It is just changing that in a dialogue with yourself.

Of starting to realize that by the way, when I do call myself, like I realize this, when I realized that when I made myself feel guilty, that didn't lead to growth. Yes. Like my guilt actually blocked my growth. When I was guilty that I didn't go to the gym, that maybe made me go to the gym the next day, but it didn't last. Yeah. When I was guilty that I had something go to the gym. That maybe made me go to the gym the next day, but it didn't last. When I was guilty that I had something that I wish I didn't eat,

that guilt didn't make me eat healthy for the next week. It made me made bad decisions. Guilt made me feel worse about myself and make worse decisions. So I had to coach myself out of having guilty thoughts. Absolutely. What are some of those thoughts that you think, like there it sounded like when you said

you're in tough as critic, where has that come from? Is that also from our parenting? Is that also from... I think it's a mix of things. I think one thing is that I'm a very all or nothing type person. No, I'm trapped here. And I've been trying to work on this.

And Jay knows, and I'll be very honest and say that I consider myself a really good friend, but I've caught myself being slightly annoying because I know it's true It's true. I could fully admit this. I'll invite Jay over and Everything will be perfect the food will be perfect and the table will be perfect And I have all the activities planned. It's good to go and then Jay as he does will show up You know 20 minutes late and he'll blame Roddy and he's definitely right this phonedy's phone. By the way, just to clarify, that is definitely Roddy's phone. I always on time.

Okay. Roddy's not here to fend herself, but who knows? But then in my mind, my mind will start going, oh well, oh my God, the evening is ruined now because they came to me and I do that with everything. I do it to such a detriment where it's like, it's either perfect or it's nothing.

Now I can't enjoy it. And I think that has to do with control. I think I can understand all and I can understand nothing. The compromise in the middle, being someone who controls things, they don't like that. Compromise, that's not in my control. And so I've had to let go of this all

or nothing mentality. Hey, you did so great today. It wasn't perfect, but it was really, really good and we're gonna celebrate that. You know, it's not letting, because you're right, that guilt does start to control your life. And also, going back to the home concept, home is somewhere you don't wanna run away from.

You know, home is somewhere you were turned to. I think what I really struggled with her so long is I did do those tips and tricks. You've been to my house, you know, my old house. I had all these Post-its everywhere, and I had positive affirmations, and that's all great. But that's all I had. I had these little ways of being happy momentarily, temporarily, and then I would wander off somewhere else mentally. But if you say, come home to a place that really means, hey,

this is where you are going to return to spiritually no matter what happens in your day always So that you cannot be led astray because I get led astray Very old it very old it we all do and and and the thing I love about that is But in your book you talk about nothing lasts forever Mm-hmm, and you talk about the need to be okay with change Mm-hmm, and that includes not just changing scenarios. I mean coming late to your house But but also the idea of Change in that we change.

And what you just said, you completely agree with everything you wrote in your last book, but you have an evolved version of that today that doesn't take away from what you said. How have you allowed yourself to update, like we think of updating our phones and our computers easily, but when it comes to updating ourselves and upgrading ourselves,

we get really slow and scared about it. How have you become okay with the fact that you're changing evolving, adapting person? Yeah, well, before writing this book, I would not be okay with it. I talk about in the book how I did subscribe to this mentality that there's right and wrong, that if I don't necessarily agree with everything I've done instead in the past, and now I think differently, that must mean the past version

of me was wrong. And I would think that. That means if that person does not agree with what I'm saying, they're wrong, and I'm right. It doesn't need to be wrong, right? We don't need to assign these labels so easily to things. I know we like to categorize things in our brain as in right, wrong, black, white, okay, easy, hard.

But really what it is, it's allowing yourself and giving yourself permission to think differently and evolve. And so for me, the hardest example of this is how I define success. You know, what I was taught and for much of my life, I believe success is the paycheck, it is the house, it is the car, it is the awards, it is all that stuff, it is the career you have. And it's not that I think I was wrong for thinking that.

It's that my definition of success is changing now. All those things are great, but now, if I have all of those things, but I'm not happy and I'm not having fun, then I'm not successful. And that's what I believe now. Again, not right or wrong, it's just that I'm changing. I'm in different, a different place in my life. I have different values and different priorities

and that's okay. I think I resisted that for so long because I was like, don't be lazy, that's lazy. You have to pull the all night or you have to do this. You don't be lazy, but it's not about that. It's about, hey, you are a human that is evolving and you're in different circumstances. You cannot grow and expect to stay the same.

Not too long ago, in the heart of the Amazon Rainforest, this explorer stumbled upon something that would change his life. I saw it and I saw, oh wow, this is a very unusual situation. It was cacao. The tree that gives us chocolate. But this cacao was unlike anything experts had seen, or tasted. I've never wanted us to have a gun fight. I mean, you saw this tax of cash in our office. Chocolate sort of forms this vortex.

It sucks you in. It's like I can be the queen of wild chocolate. We're all lost. It was madness. It was a game changer. People quit their jobs. They left their lives behind so they could search for more of this stuff.

I wanted to tell their stories, so I followed them deep into the jungle, and it wasn't always pretty. Basically, this like disgruntled guy and his family surrounded the building arm with machetes. And we've heard all sorts of things that you know somebody got shot over this. Sometimes I think, oh, all this for a damn bar of chocolate. Listen to obsessions while chocolate

on the I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcast. on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcast. I am Mi'amla, and on my podcast, the R-Spot, we're having inspirational, educational, and sometimes difficult and challenging conversations about relationships. They may not have the capacity to give you what you need. And insisting means that you are abusing yourself now. You human! That means that you're crazy as hell, just like the rest of us. When a relationship breaks down, I take copious notes,

and I want to share them with you. Anybody with two eyes and a brain knows that too much Alfredo sauce is just no good for you. But if you're going to eat it, they're not going to stop you. So he's going to continue to give you the Alfredo sauce and put it even on your grits if you don't stop him. Listen to the art spot on the i the iHeart Radio app Apple Podcast or wherever you listen to podcasts. Hey, it's Debbie Brown.

And my podcast, Deeply Well, is a soft place to land on your wellness journey. I hold conscious conversations with leaders and radical healers and wellness and mental health around topics that are meant to expand and support you on your journey. From guided meditations to deep conversations with some of the world's most gifted experts in self-care, trauma, psychology, spirituality, astrology, and even intimacy. Here's where you'll pick up the tools to live as your highest self. Make better choices. Heal and have more joy.

My work is rooted in advanced meditation, metaphysics, spiritual psychology, energy healing, and trauma-informed practices. I believe that the more we heal and grow within ourselves, the more we are able to bring our creativity to life and live our purpose, which leads to community impact and higher consciousness for all beings.

Deeply well with Debbie Brown is your soft place to land, to work on yourself without judgment, to heal, to learn, to grow, to become who you deserve to be. Deeply well is available now on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you listen to podcasts. Big love, namaste.

So well said, so well said. Honestly, everything you're saying is like I I couldn't be happier hearing it from you because I Think so many people are inspired by you and all of you look up to you like including me and When I see you having these revelations and realizations based on your own inner work It gives me so much confidence that when I see you having these revelations and realizations based on your own inner work, it gives me so much confidence that everyone who looks up to you is being inspired

in this beautiful direction. And I also love that you value hard work and that you value putting in the time and your attention to detail. Because that's also something I appreciate about you. So whether I'm a friend or whether someone in business, I appreciate your purpose, but I also appreciate your Practicality like the fact that you are an effective human being who manages time effectively

And I think again what you're saying is we've been living in this society which is either or you have to be lazy Or you're productive, right? But we don't have this in between Yeah, which is I know how to do what I need to do and I need to do it, but then I also know how to let go. I think the internet has convinced us of that a lot, that there's either this or that, there's this or that, not fully appreciating that we're complex human beings that fall on various spots, on various spectrums, and we are all in our own circumstances.

Yeah, I think you're good. Like we don't give ourselves enough credit, sorry. No, no, no, please, I want to hit me. No, I'm not interested for this. Yeah, I think that's like the,, we don't give ourselves enough credit, sorry. No, no, no, please, I want to have me. No, I'm not gonna tip of this. Yeah, I think that's like the, it's what I have here. And I wanted to read this out because I had it marked. But it's kind of like, before I get into what I wanted to read, it's your classic green sorry, silversary dilemma.

So good, right? I'm the debate. Yes. And that's where it is. It's this or is this? Yes. And that's the only two ways it can be. There's something you wrote that I want to read out because I want people to realize that this isn't even though this is a

Okay, and you can correct me if I'm wrong, but the way I say this is a book that is going to inspire, help, and guide people through their own inner work. It is that. But at the same time, it is also a book where you really open up and get vulnerable and roar. And I wanted to read something for people to realize just how that comes across. So you say, I can't do Lily's voice, I can't do impressions, I can't do accents. It is actually a great actress like. I have none of those skills, so I will not try. I will simply read it in my British accent.

So at the age of 30, I came out as bisexual to my family. It was definitely the hardest thing I've ever done in my life and the lead up to that moment was filled with anxiety. Out of fear that I would lose my words, I wrote my parents a letter, printed it out and placed it in front of them. All I could muster up the courage to say was, read this. I vividly

remember feeling a pang of guilt when my mom jokingly responded to the letter by saying, are you getting married? I went upstairs while they read it, unable to be in the same room with them, and waited for what felt like an entire lifetime for anything. A knock on my door, a tap on my shoulder. After a long silence, finally, I had footsteps and my parents entered my room. Like when you take me into a place like that, in your book, I'm like, wow, this, you know, it's so intimate.

And I feel so grateful that we get to go there with you as a reader in your book because these are not things that you make videos about. These are not things that you talk about every day. And people see you share your sexuality and where you are, but they don't understand what's going on in your head because we only get this one moment or headline, Lily Singh announces this, and that's what people see. But then this is what's going on behind the scenes. And the book does this again and again and again. Tell me about that moment and tell us about how that journey has evolved over time and even before and after. I just want to hear about that whole process from things I know as your friend, but I want to hear from how you feel about it through the book.

Absolutely. So I have to give credit to my editor here because you're right. I don't openly talk about this a lot. You might see me holding the pride flag on Instagram, but I don't actually go into what that experience was like. And for the reason of it's just something that I don't want taken out of context. And I know the media will run with it. And I know people will not actually put themselves

into that time and place. And so I thought the book was a perfect opportunity for me to really talk about this. The first time I wrote this chapter, I skimmed over it. I was like, so I did this thing and then my parents came and then my editor was like, hey, I really think you should take the reader into exactly where you were. And it's the best note she's ever given me because I was like, you know what, Lili?

Again, no one's in the room here when you're writing this. Actually open up. Like, people could really use this perspective. And so I did. And it was very difficult to write, even as you were reading it, I was like, it's an emotional thing. But the reason it was important for me to talk about this is this is one of the biggest changes that has ever happened in my life.

And like I said, the scariest thing I've ever done in my life and it was something that I had to really address head on because to be honest, I don't think, I don't think I was honest about what that situation was in my mind for so many years. You know, I came out to my parents at 30 and a lot of people don't know this. I'm very type-ass so they shouldn't be surprised, but I actually came out to myself 30 days before that.

So on September 1st, I in my room came out to my dog scar bro. For the first time ever to myself. Prior to this I had thoughts and feelings like I don't know why I'm not just so committed in the relationships I'm in. Something feels off. Growing up, I didn't know a single queer person. In my high school, there was not a single queer person. This was not euphoria. My high school was not euphoria. In university, I knew of one queer person. And it was someone who identified as a male and I was so different from him. So I never really connected with him. And so at the age of 30, I came out to myself.

So at the age of 29, I came out to myself. And I said before my 30th birthday, I'm gonna come out to all the people that matter in my life. And it was a list of like 10 people. And my parents were last. Of course, Taipei, I had a list to do. I thought I did a list to come out as I would.

It was right in between, I was steamed in the napkins. And so they're last on the list and I thought, okay, I'm going to tell them, I'm going to write them this letter. And in my brain, I had thought up the scenario of all the things that we're going to do and say, and I had two versions of it. One was this is going to go horrible. Again, all or nothing. It's going to go horrible. They're not going to understand. Just in case I'm gonna have this idea of things I need to pack in my bag so I can leave the house,

like just all of these worst case scenarios. And then the opposite was, or they are going to throw me a party then and there because they're gonna be so proud, all or nothing mentality. The truth is that they came into my room and the first thing that my mom did was give me a big hug and said, why are you crying your my daughter and I love you regardless?

Beautiful, amazing. I was so scared in that moment and so nervous that because they were not saying the exact sentences I expected them to say, I was a little dismissive to be honest and it pains me to admit that because I know so often in these stories, we want to hear that like, support the kid no matter what, the kid is right. But I was dismissive and I didn't give my parents the credit that they deserved of being like, they probably don't even know what this is. They've never been introduced to this idea before. And so we had the conversation.

They did and said things of support. They did not disown me. They did not kick me out of those. They did none of those things. But I left that conversation, needing an enemy, to be honest. I needed to distance myself from people, even though they were being supportive,

because I was so insecure. I had just done this big thing in my life and I didn't know how to figure it out. I didn't know how to navigate the world. I felt so insecure. Everyone's staring at me. These headlines are saying all these things. So I distanced myself from so many people

including my family, not because they weren't being supportive. Even though I convinced myself that was what it was, was because I just couldn't be in close proximity to people that I felt like I was disappointing, even though they were not disappointed. You know, and that was a hard pill for me to swallow, because that takes a lot of you admitting that you don't have to figure it out, and like you didn't give your parents enough credit.

And so I'm happy to say that me and my parents are so close today and we're so lovely, and it's just a lesson I learned that it's so easy again to go back to writing wrong. But everyone is a human in different circumstances and it doesn't have to be all or nothing. Wow. That honest, thank you for sharing that. That is just, it's so powerful on so many levels. And I felt the same by the way when I was reading it, it felt, it was like, it's transformative.

It's transformative for me too. Even just the idea of what you said that when we make a decision, we expect all or nothing results or we expect extreme responses and actually life somewhere in between. And when you get that in between, you then don't know what to do with it because you only prepared your mind for the extremes. And what's really special about what you said is, although what you needed was compassion in that moment, you also needed to express compassion to them for their experience. Yes, absolutely.

And that's a really interesting conversation that you're starting where it's like, well, I needed them to be compassionate to my human experience, but they needed my compassion because they don't understand this because they've never been exposed to it potentially. And that trading of compassion is a really beautiful thing in the world, which I think is so often missing. I think I could not agree more. They gave me the compassion. I can sit here and tell you, I did not return it.

I thought they should immediately understand how, how would they immediately understand this? And I see this all the time with the world, especially on social media, it's especially with cancel culture, it's they didn't get it right away, they don't get a chance to redeem themselves. They made a mistake, well, they can improve.

It is this lack of giving people the benefit of the doubt and being human and this lack of compassion. You know, it's that if you really look back and these are not excuses, it's the reality of the circumstances. My parents, this was not the thing they grew up with. Like I said, their concerns growing up were we have to make it, we have to provide for our kids. And I know that any concern, and I know this in my heart, I didn't know it in that moment sitting in my room, but I know it now, any concerns they might have expressed were not because they didn't love me or they wanted me to be unhappy. It's because in their understanding, they wanted to protect me from the world. They,

in their mind, think, this is going to make Lilly's life harder, potentially. We are scared for her and we are the protector. That's where they're coming from. Whether or not that's just is not the conversation. It's that that's their circumstance. Well, you've just done and what you've broken down for us is you've clearly articulated what compassion looks like in practice to actually understand where that person's coming from, why they think that way. Whether you agree with it or not or disagree with it, whether it's fair or unfair, let me take a moment to understand how did that person get to where they are. And I think that even what we're seeing in movies today and media today, I love that we're

getting into stories of how people became who they became. Yes. Because it's so important, we always tell the origin story of heroes, but we rarely tell the origin story of the villain. Oh, yeah. No one ever knows how the villain began the villain. And then you start seeing movies like Joker come out and everything you start going, oh, like, now we're telling this story of how someone got there when we don't agree with

them. And it's also this idea of, if you really think about it, the hero and the villain are the same person in different circumstances. And that's another thing that I write in the book that I actually say during my meditation every day is that I am everyone and everyone is mean we are in different circumstances. And the reason I say that is because, Lily, get off your high horse. You are not right compared to someone else, even though you are in two different sides of the spectrum of what you might agree on in a certain subject, they have certain circumstances, you have certain

circumstances, and the reality of the situation is if I was born in a different time and place and I were my parents, I might have reacted even worse, to be as I might have reacted horribly and to say otherwise it's just a lie. It's so easy to be like if I were in your shoes I would have done this. You might not have, you might have done worse because circumstances in your shoes, I would have done this. You might not have. You might have done worse, because circumstances matter. Yeah, I love that reminder. I think it was a few years ago where I realized that I wasn't better or worse than anyone.

I wasn't ahead or behind with anyone. I wasn't right and they were wrong, all vice versa. I was just me and how I process this experience. Yes. And you brought up meditation, and let's dive into that because I know you've meditated for a long time and it's continued to evolve as a practice for you. In this book, you talk about our wonderful dear friend, Janavie Harrison too, which is

wonderful to see because she's such a special human being. And I love that. You're really good at like, in this book, you know, you're just good at like picking people who have had this impact and sharing their work with you tell us about what meditation looks like for you now and And why the current practice that you do of it is useful to you absolutely So I've really had to remind myself of that it doesn't have to be all or nothing here because although I aspire to be a J. Shetty I know when I've tried in the past

to have a rigid routine where I wake up at a certain time and I meditate in a certain place and it looks a certain way, I have failed. Because for me, I go to sleep at different times. My schedule is awry. And honestly, I get bored sometimes. And that's just me being really honest. When I have a really rigid routine, sometimes I get bored,

I need a little change. So for me, what meditation looks like is, not every day, I would say, three-ish, four-ish times a week. I will listen to one of John V. songs, actually. I meditate to her music. For me, I like music. For me, personally, guided meditations.

I've learned, don't work, and I've stopped being embarrassed about that, even though some of my dear friends have guided meditations. Because I always start thinking about what the person looks like and all that type of regret and stuff. And if I listen to Jay guide me through a meditation, I'm like, Jay, I miss that guy.

I don't want to start to just wander into all the places. So I personally use music, especially because for me, I'm really connected to music, the quality and the journey it takes you on. I'm really into the highs and lows and visualizing myself in all these places. And so I meditate to music for about 20 minutes. I use now the things I write about in my book.

So I start my every meditation by saying, today, the four things that matter are the relationships yourself, the relationship to the universe, understanding distraction and implementing design. I check in on myself. I'm really honest with myself how I feel, what I'm grateful for, if I'm having any petty thoughts, I really want to just, like, I'd say really safe space for me to be like, hey, you're allowed to process whatever is going

through your mind right now. And you don't have to process it in a way where now you're going to come up with solutions, it's just to know where you're at. Just connect with yourself, how you feeling physically, mentally, emotionally. That's it, that's all I have to do. Next, I connect myself to the universe. That's why I have to do.

Next, I connect myself to the universe. And the reason I do this is because I talk about in the book, but it's also because in our industry, Jay, you can get very, very fast. It can become all about you very, very fast. I really value that reminder that I'm connected to something greater. And it also helps me alleviate some of my control issues

that I have, that not everything is in my control. I'm connected to something greater. And it also helps me alleviate some of my control issues that I have, that not everything is in my control. I'm connected to something bigger, connected to other people. Like I said, I'm them, they're me and we're in different circumstances. I also then send compassion. And I talk about this in the book, which is for so long, I would meditate when I was upset,

I would ask God for things, and I'm having a bad day. It's all about take, take, take from the universe. And I never really thought about, well, what are you putting back into the universe? You know, are you being a fair partner to the universe? And so I spend time really thinking about how I can send love.

And I literally visualize love and like coming from my hands and sending it to whoever might need it. You know, it might sound silly, but before I judged on Canada's Got Talent, when I meditated, I actually sent Love and Light to all the contestants. I love that. Because I was like, I know what it feels like. I know I'm judging you, but like, if you're nervous and I visualize them as if you're nervous, remember to have fun. Like, know that I'm going to be with you on that stage. I just try to send the energy to whoever needs it.

That's beautiful. I just got to take a moment. That's beautiful. Yeah, I mean, I just go take a moment. Yeah, that is so beautiful. Thanks, man. I love that. Yeah, I love that. And then I go into understanding distraction and implementing design, which I talk about in the book. And that is I have defined distraction,

not as the way we traditionally think of it. You're from going off, someone talking during a movie, all these things. But distraction is the things that take us away from where we want to be emotionally think of it. You know, you're from going off, someone talking during a movie, all these things. But distraction is the things that take us away from where we want to be spiritually. So take us away from the home we created. Suddenly, I'm feeling petty, I'm comparing myself

to someone, I'm feeling ungrateful. I label all of those things as distractions. Not because they aren't valid, but because I don't want to stay there. I want to go there, process whatever needs to happen, and come back to this place where I am grateful and I do have strong values. And then I implement design. And this is where my practicality and spirituality makes up. And this is, hey, you know the life that you want,

stop telling yourself all the reasons you can't have those things and actually just design your life in a way where they can happen. You know, in a prime example of that is so often I was told growing up that, hey, you can't have a career where you dress up and play pretend and you're creative and you grow up. Get a real career, that's a phase. I had to design a life where I was like, I unsubscribe to that idea. The idea that I can do this as a career serves me better, so I'm gonna design my life this way.

So a lot of that has to do with unsubscribing from the ideas that do not serve us. Because I, and I'm sure many other people, we have signed this invisible contract on a lot of ideas that do not benefit us. But we do it anyways, you know. That is so well said, because I remember when I fully had signed the contract that I was going to work a full-time job and that teaching wisdom was going to be my hobby, that I'd

signed that contract. I'd subscribe to the idea that sharing wisdom could not be a full-time purpose. It had to be something I did in the evenings and weekends. And now when I look back and I think I'm so glad that at one point I unsubscribed, as you said, from that ideology, because otherwise I'd still be in that same place. And it's incredible to think about it because it sounds easy to say it now, but I can honestly say that when I started, I had no idea that anyone would care at all. I just knew that I believed deeply about what I was trying to share, and that's what fueled me to keep trying.

But I'm with you. I was fully subscribed to the idea. This is not real job. It's scary. Yeah, I'm subscribing to ideas. I mean, those ideas exist for a reason. Society has these ideas for a reason because no one has challenged them,

no one has found a different way. And again, it helps categorize people into boxes. To unsubscribe from those ideas, it's scary and it's risky and it feels like you're walking a path alone. But those are ideas, they're not facts. There is no rulebook saying, Jay has to do this and he can't do this as a job.

There's no rulebook. For so long, I thought there was a written rulebook that I'm an Indian woman. I can only do this thing. I have to be quiet. I can't be outspoken. I have to do X, Y, Z. Where is this rulebook? Like I have just decided that that's what I'm going to live my life by. No, like I do the work to let go of those ideas and make your life

the things you want them to be. It takes work, no one's saying it doesn't, but that work is so worth it. Absolutely. My auntie has that book at home if you need a copy. I'm sure she does. I'm sure she does. As long as she's written with me. Yes, 100%. I'm with you. I'm with you.

This I love, I want to go back to this. You talked about the universe, but you have this graphic in here, which is about the miss calls from the universe, which when I saw that, I was like, I need to read this section because I, and that's how I went through the book. I was like, I was looking at stuff that was, and I was like, oh, this I love, I love this. Let me read what this about. Tell me about that because I think that, like you said, we always expect an universe to give to us.

But you are actually saying here that we're missing calls from the universe. What are those missed calls? What are those signs that we're getting, but that we keep missing? Well, I think it's a lot of things. I think it's how we think about even failure and loss. We don't think that there's, at least in that moment, we don't think that there's, and at least in that moment, we don't think that there's something bigger at play. You know, we have this tendency to think

when we're sad that the world is against us, the universe is against us, because that's a comforting and easy place to go to. I am hurt because my life sucks, and this is sucky, and my day was sucky, and in that moment, we don't think that's something bigger as that play. We're missing calls from the universe.

I can genuinely say any horrible thing that has happened to me, any failure, any loss, there has been an exchange there. I lost something, and then I gained something because of that thing. And that's what we have to think about the universe. The universe is constantly exchanged, everything is in exchange, and it is a relationship that we really need to foster, because we ignore it so often. We don't think about that, hey, I actually have my job today and I have the following I have today because I spoke so openly about my experience going through mental health and people related to me, great, but we don't actually dissect like, hey, remember that time

you're really sad? This is the exchange for for that the universe actually came around and gave you something So why do you not nurture that relationship? You know when I talk a lot about people who Have a lot and have really tough past and Perhaps we don't give ourselves the opportunity to analyze what those losses gave us and I think we should yeah I think that makes them silver linings and it makes us realize that, like, hey, there's something bigger at play.

What do you think your biggest loss or failure was internally or externally? What was that when you think about that moment where you felt lost, as you say in the subtitle of the book, but also the idea of when you feel you've lost, right, feeling lost and feeling like you've lost. When was that for you? And how did, obviously we know how you processed it

because that's what the book's about, but when was that for you? How did you identify that? I mean, there's a few moments, but if I'm being really, really honest, the most recent one on the one that was most profound, and I think this is for a lot of people because it was an extraordinary circumstance,

was during quarantine. You know, I really did feel like I lost momentum in my job. I felt like I definitely physically was in the worst. I walk up the stairs and I'll be winded because I was doing nothing. I wasn't leaving the house. I was just, I literally baked 30 cookies every day and played Fortnite. You know this. I asked you to play with me every day. But I was leaving the house. I was just, I literally baked 30 cookies every day and played Fortnite.

You know this. I asked you to play with me every day. But I was in such a place where I was so lost and had no direction. And I remember thinking, man, I've worked so hard at stuff. And these two years is going to completely derail me. And I'm going to start from scratch. And all my momentum is going to be gone.

And I could not see any light in that situation, especially because of what was happening in the world. I saw no light in that situation. If quarantine didn't happen without doubt, there would never be another time in my life where I actually would have the time to do this work, because I would be so busy with distractions and obligations, and I joke that quarantine forced me to pause and reflect.

It forced me, because otherwise I would have never done it. I truly would have still been going, what if I had gone on a phone with my mom and I had a phone call and I joke that quarantine forced me to pause and reflect it forced me because otherwise I would have never done it. I truly would have still been going, I'm going to be on a flight right now. I would have been burnt out times a million right now. And so this book, I keep calling it a gift to myself, it is the gift that COVID and quarantine gave me. So that loss, that mean being lost, the exchange of that was me doing this work. I love that idea of the loss in the exchange. Like that, that's such a... We understand it with everything else. Yeah. You buy something from a store, you eat calories,

you understand it with everything else, but we don't tend to understand it spiritually. Because we go and connect it. Exactly. Yeah. We go into the work to connect it. We're never taught to connect it, and I'm encouraging people to make those connections. Yeah. And understand it. It encouraging people to make those connections and it'll help you understand loss and it'll help you understand that the universe is big, it is glorious and it's magical and you should be open to it and you should be connecting and nourishing that relationship. I'm Dr. Romani and I am back with season two of my podcast Navigating Narcissism. Narcissists are everywhere and their toxic behavior in words can cause serious harm to your mental health.

In our first season, we heard from Eileen Charlotte, who was loved by the Tinder swindler. The worst part is that he can only be guilty for stealing the money from me, but he cannot be guilty for the mental part he did. And that's even way worse than the money he took. But I am here to help. As a licensed psychologist and survivor of narcissistic abuse myself, I know how to identify the narcissists in your life.

Each week, you will hear stories from survivors who have navigated through toxic relationships, gaslightings, love bombing, and the process of their healing from these relationships. Listen to navigating narcissism on the I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Danny Shapiro, host of Family Secrets.

It's hard to believe we're entering our eighth season. And yet, we're constantly discovering new secrets. The depths of them, the variety of them, continues to be astonishing. I can't wait to share 10 incredible stories with you, stories of tenacity, resilience, and the profoundly necessary excavation of long-held family secrets. When I realized this is not just happening to me, this is who and what I am. I needed her to help me. Something was annoying at me that I couldn't put my finger on,

that I just felt somehow that there was a piece missing. Why not restart? Look at all the things that were going wrong. I hope you'll join me and my extraordinary guests for this new season of Family Secrets. Listen to season eight of Family Secrets on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. This is what it sounds like inside the box card.

I'm journalist and I'm Morton in my podcast, City of the Rails. I plunge into the dark world of America's railroads, searching for my daughter Ruby, who ran off to hop train. I'm just like stuck on this train, not where I'm gonna end up, and I jump. Following my daughter, I found a secret city of unforgettable characters, living outside society, off the grid, and on the edge. I was in love with a lifestyle and the freedom this community. No one understands who we truly are.

The Rails made me question everything I knew about motherhood, history, and the thing we call the American Dream. It's the last vestige of American freedom. Everything about it is extreme. You're either going to die, or you can have this incredible rebirth and really understand who you are. Come with me to find out what waits for us in the city of the rails. Listen to the city of the rails on the I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you

get your podcasts. Or, cityoftherails.com. Yeah. And you're bringing the, I mean, you're saying it's a gift to yourself. This book is definitely a gift to everyone who's going to read it. It genuinely is because it's, I think what you just said about COVID in the pandemic, I think that was a worldwide phenomenal experience, phenomenon experience. It was, that's how everyone felt in some way.

And yes, in different extremes, in different experiences, but that was a unified feeling that these two years are derailing my life. It postponed my wedding. It means I'll never see my family again potentially because I lost them. It means I can't get the career I wanted. I started a new job,

but we're not in the office, so I don't meet anyone. I'm just stuck in my tiny apartment, right? Like that experience, and that's why, if you're saying that that's what catalyzed all of these reflections and the work, then it is a gift to everyone, because that's exactly where everyone needs to hear.

So one of the things I wanna dive into is this idea that you bring about around distractions is this idea that you bring about around distractions. And I've seen you like, and implementing design. If anyone wants to know how good Lili is an implementing design, play Fortnite with her, and watch her play Katan. And you literally just don't exist, because she's just like, you know, just,

and I love the way your mind works, because we always joke about this, that we have a lot of similarities. We are very similar. We're very similar. When I see so much of myself in Lily all the time. Yes Anytime a minute argument with anyone and I want someone to see my point of view. I will call jab like J is gonna Know exactly where I'm coming from. Yeah, and I relate to you fully and we're totally on the same page But when I see you and I see you operating that way and now that you're bringing this compassionate heart to it and this kindness to it and you're able to implement design in that way, has

it become more joyful in the execution of stuff? Like I want to hear about how you execute differently now because we talked about how to be a boss and that was like the book before and we talked about that that is important. But now we're going back to them. Like now when you're hustling or now when you're working really hard or now when you're being productive How is it now fueled with joy? How do you make sure that now it's coming from a place of meaning? Yeah, so I Posted about this recently. This is not a joke for anyone that doesn't follow me My vision board is in my shower. Yes, I showed that. It is in my shower.

I showed that. It is taped to the glass outside of my shower. So I see it every single day. Yes, yes, yes. I literally yes. I see it every day. Smack dab in the middle of my vision board because my vision board is structured in a way

where the things in the middle are my core values and then it builds out. Right in the middle is make sure you have fun. So part of my foundation, my triangle, is that my relationship with myself and my relationship with the universe and how I implement design is going to be that my definition of success must include fun. It did not previously. And my come up in my career, I did a lot of events and gigs and things where I was like, I don't care about this at all. This is horrendous, but I will do it.

I will do the free gig. I will do this gig. I'm not passionate about to earn my stripes. We all work hard with this idea that I'm gonna get to this place where eventually I can call the shots and I can do what I wanna do. We get so caught up in the climb that even when we're in the position to do what we wanna do,

we're climbing still. Because now it's a habit. It's a habit and we've forgotten the reason we started in the first place. That's where I was. So now, having fun is a requirement of anything I say yes to. It doesn't matter what opportunity comes in my inbox. If I'm not going to have fun, it is not going to happen. And so yes, because of that decision, things are more joyful. When I'm doing a podcast or I'm presenting something on stage I'm not going into it thinking nail every line. It's got to be perfect

You got to execute and then you got a network. It's hey This is pretty cool that we're here and I think you should go there and I think by the end of the night Lily I think you should go home and I think you should say hey, you know what? That was really fun Because if you don't have that, it doesn't matter. Yeah. It really doesn't matter. And there is no point. That doesn't mean you can't do it well. That doesn't mean you can't be prepared. I will still do all of those things. But I will find the joy in doing all these extraordinary things that I get to do. And I learned this especially because

I'm sad to admit that in my first world tour. I mean think about this, a 30 city world tour. Not many people can say they've done that in their life. I got to meet with my fans, I held his costumes. And how old are we? This was like six years ago. So yeah. 14. I would be lying if I said that I remembered every moment of that because I was so fixated on This lighting cue and this next thing I have to say and the t-shirts says everything has to be perfect And I'm not saying again evolution not all or nothing I'm not saying that's not important

It is and I know you're like this too. We like things to be a certain quality But that doesn't mean you can't be present and have fun. Yes, right? You should still have fun and so now I've decided everything I do, the criteria is joy and fun. Yeah. I love what you just said about the habit and how that habit and I get at least let me clarify and you can correct me if I'm wrong. But what I'm hearing you say is that there was a time when to earn your stripes, you had to do things that didn't necessarily extract joy, but you saw

them creating platforms from which you could experience joy. But what happens is that as you keep reaching those platforms, you maintain that habit and that pattern that stops you again and again and again from saying, there's another platform from which I can be in full joy, right? Absolutely. And so earning your stripes wasn't a mistake. That's a healthy thing and that's needed in everyone. But what was the mistake? Was that habit that gets formed?

Yes. I will be not happy because that's not what you're saying. I will allow myself to have fun when. Exactly. There's always another better time or place where this joy could happen. And I think that's a learn thing as well. You know, I talk about how my parents

have earned their stripes above and beyond. They immigrated to Canada in the 70s, worked so hard. You know, my dad had multiple jobs. He grew from one position to the next. They're so well off now, and they've done such a great job. Both of their kids are taking care of.

They don't need to, they don't need to save up for anything. God knows I'm not getting married. They don't need to use that money for anything, you know what I mean? And I always tell them like, why aren't you guys traveling everywhere? I'm like doing all the things. And they still are in that mindset of like, no, because you know, we have to save up for things and we can't do those things.

Now we're too old for those things. It's that habit that we can't do those things. Now we're too old for those things. It's that habit that we can't do that yet. We're not there yet. We are. So often we are there. And if we keep chasing that no, not yet, not yet later, we're going to miss out on that joy. Yeah. That's so, so well said. And I fully agree with you too. I was saying now with my team recently and just saying that I I wanna be able to do things that I wanna do that are risks and are fun and are things people don't expect of me. Because that's what you work hard for us to be able to do that.

I was like, even doing this was a risk in the first place. So why would I stop taking risks now? Because I think we get protective as well, right? And to me, I think taking risks has always been I think we get protective as well. And to me, I think taking risks has always been a core value of mine. And now I'm like, I wanna take more risks. And I wanna do things that surprise me

and surprise other people. And are not things that people expect, because when I started this, people didn't expect it either. Absolutely. So why is it... It's funny how we, especially people like me and you, we, and other creatives as well, we stepped outside of a box

only to then put ourselves in another box. 100%. It's just a slightly bigger box. Totally. Totally, yeah, for confidence, safety. Exactly. And we keep doing that. And then I always have to remind myself and sometimes I remind my team,

when they're like, hey, this is not how things are traditionally done. And hey, we should do things like this. I'm like, you have to know who you're talking to here. Because right now I have a wig and a beard on my face and I'm dressed up as my dad. So you need not tell me how things, you need not tell me how things are usually done. Absolutely. I was at a dinner the other day and I paid for the dinner and and the two people I was with, one of them said to me, they said, Jay, you are bucking every industry trend. Like someone else should have picked up the chat. And I was like, I, my response to that straight away,

and they were very grateful and they were wonderful about it. But my response to that was, I wanna break every tradition. Absolutely. Because these traditions have just, again, who wrote the rule book? And the more we subscribe, I feel the same way, whenever anyone says to me like, but you know this is not how it's done

or this is what this role is, or this is what this, I'm like, says who? And most of these roles are not gonna exist in 10 years. And why is it not done another this is what this role is or this what this like says who and most these roles are not going to exist in 10 years And why is it not done another way totally why is it not done another way totally, you know and those Yeah, go on and another thing I was gonna say the bigger lesson I've learned here is that I need to go out to more dinners with you I was like what Jay's picking up checks around here. What? I think I think yes, yeah, I mean, anytime.

I will unsubscribe to the idea that I should pay for the check and you can pay for the check. I'm okay with that. Well, with us, actually, everyone has the truth. We're always competing. We're always competing. It's just everyone has my lilies. She's joking.

Jay is very sneaky, comes to my house. He's like, no, no, no, next time, next time. Then the next time is always, he's sneaky. So you definitely have to pull the DC moves of like running and giving the credit card in advance. I'm one of those awkward, plant-based people who doesn't want to cause like pressure to other people and like, you know, we're just two uncles battling it out for the check. It's fine. All right, Lily. So we have dissected how to be a triangle, but we have literally scratched the surface. There are so many incredible messages in this book.

The sections that Lily talked about in this interview, they go so much more deeper. There are so many more takeaways. There are so many more beautiful moments where you're going to have these light bulb moments and these moments of insight and reflection for yourself. And I honestly believe that this, you know, I think, and I read a lot of nonfiction, self-help and mindset books, I love that stuff. And sometimes you can get repetitive.

And this was one of the first books I've read in a long time, but this was so authentically you. Like it was just so you, like everything you said was so you and it was so genuine to who you are that I was like, this is so real. And that's why it works for people. And that's why it will work for people. And when people apply it, they will feel change in their life because you're not trying to teach or you're not trying to preach or you're not trying to guide. You're literally saying like, this is what worked for me. and this is how I think about stuff and it's so simple yet,

so practical yet, so applicable to people that I was just blown away as to how you it is. And I could hear your voice in my head. That's, I love that. I can't. I could hear your voice in my head as you think through an idea. I'm like, that is exactly how Lili would explain it to me, but it's saying that. And I think that's beautiful for people to know that because I think people can read a lot of self-help and be like,

oh, this is repetitive or I've heard this before or someone said, and I'm like, sure, but we have to hear it from someone's unique experience and I think you capture that really well. So thank you for doing that. No, thank you. I appreciate that. Thank you for allowing us to. Exactly what I wanted the impact to be. So thank you. Yeah, thank you. All right, so we're gonna end this interview with what we call the final five. Alright. These are a rapid fire, fast five, umu, which I always break the rules on. Okay, I'm gonna definitely break the rules too. I'm gonna tell me more.

And so, anyway, we try and answer these in one word to one sentence maximum. Okay, cool, I'm definitely gonna break those rules. We'll break the rules. Okay, okay, okay, okay. It's fine. I'll allow you. Usually I'm sometimes on the phone. I'll try my best though.

Yeah, alright, okay. Question number one, what is the best advice you've ever received? Oh, that's not real. Sorry, everyone is listening to this. I'm not sorry, this is how I feel. Okay, this was your rapid, oh my God. I should call it rapid, I should call it,

I should change the name. Now you just made me realize, it should be rapid, it should be more it. I should change the name now. You just made me realize it should be rapid It should be more like condensed five, but that sounds terrible. I mean, it's definitely probably gonna be Okay, I'm it can be a quote is actually a quote I live by actually first heard it from my big fat Greek wedding Oh cool, okay, and the quote is that I'm never forget it is Don't let your past define who you are let it be a part of who you become and I think that speaks really well to the Evolution we were talking about earlier. Great answer. That was, that was two cents. That's good. All right, question number two. What is the worst advice you've ever received? I think what we talked about, this is how things have usually been done,

is tried and tested. Yeah, definitely. I don't want to hear that about anything in my life. I don't want to hear it, even not my own stuff, but work stuff. I don't want to hear it about anything in my life. I don't want to hear it about, even I'm not even talking about work stuff, I don't want to hear anything in my life. Absolutely. About how one should be spiritual, how one should have relationships, about how one should form friendships. I don't think any idea should be treated as a fact. Ideas are just that, their ideas to be explored.

Love that. You have full permission to avoid the one sentence because that was a great answer. Thank you. Thank you. So feel free, if anything I asked you and you want to expand on it, just go for it. Just so accommodating. No, no, no, no, because that was such a,

I'm so happy you expanded on that, because I love that you stretched out to everything. Like I think the idea of not just saying, this isn't just about work or people in an industry, the fact that you talked about how to be spiritual. Like that resonated so deeply with me. I love that. And so please, please expand.

Okay. Question number three, how would you describe your current purpose in life? I think my purpose is to be a destructor. I have come to terms with that word. It used to mean destruction chaos to me, but now it means beautiful chaos to me. I want to disrupt Systems and ideas and that does include paving the path. Yes, I want to disrupt the industry I want to disrupt how TV and film is made. I want to disrupt the stories we see but in everything in my family I'm a destructor. I'm the first that has done many many things my parents will openly tell you I want to disrupt and shake things up. That is my purpose. Yeah, and I think what's interesting about that, which I love, by the way, that's a very unique concept. We've never had it on the show. The reason why I love that is because A,

you can do it anytime, anywhere. There's no way you can't do that. And what I love about it more importantly is that what you just said is you're the first to do many things, and that's actually scary. And it also means that you're not always going to get it right by other people's standards. And I think we have to learn to value that when people are treading new paths and are disrupting that there are going to be changes and pivots and adapting that that comes along the way. And I think we want innovation in the world, but when someone tries to innovate, and it's slightly different to what we expect,

we're so quick to criticize or quick to tear someone down. And actually, that doesn't make any sense because that thing only got created because someone did something that was never done before. And so I think we need to create more space for people to be able to try new things for the first time because that's what takes the world forward at all. I could not have said it better myself.

Innovation and disruption, and you know, the first of many as well, it is very difficult to do. There's a lot of obstacles and hurdles that come your way. A lot of people will never know about. But I enjoy being a disruptor, and I enjoy encouraging people to think differently, and I enjoy doing things in a different way. I love that. All right, question number four is,

what did you once used to value that you no longer value? This is a little bit of a complex answer, but something I used to value is a certain type of friendship. And what I mean by that is, value is a certain type of friendship. And what I mean by that is, and I might be a little jaded by me being in the public eye to be honest, but I used to only wanna be friends with people and I really valued the friendships I had

when people knew me before. I got famous. I really valued that connection of like, these are my childhood friends and they know me and these are my true friends. That has really hindered me growing up because now I've been in the public eye for 10 years. And where does that leave me?

And it has been a position to never make new friendships again, right? Because, inevitably the new people I meet, they're never gonna know me before 10 years ago. I don't value that definition of friendship anymore. I value evolving that and connecting with people in different ways I've never ever had before. Hey, I met this person. I really feel something. Me and you as a perfect example. I can consider you one of my close good friends. You didn't know me before I was, you know,

lily on YouTube. And I didn't know you before you were the Jay Shetty, you know. And I think if I met you years and years ago, I would have probably dismissed our friendship because I would have been like, it's just another networking thing, another work thing. I value that so differently now. I understand that you can connect with people in different ways and people can play different roles

in your life and it can still be magical and special. Yeah. And I love hearing that because I value our friendship so much. But I get that it's it is really interesting to toy with that. Like I the person I speak to most every week is the guy who's the best man at my wedding. I speak to him like three times a week and we talk for an hour every time. And if someone told me where do you find that time?

It's really weird because I'll find in gaps. He's always kindly available and will pick up and make talk for an hour every time. And if someone told me where do you find that time, it's really weird because I'll find it in gaps. He's always kindly available and will pick up and make time for me and he's an entrepreneur too, so he can be flexible. And we'll just talk and we can talk for hours and it's easy because he's I've known him for, I've known him since I was 18, so I've known him for nearly 17 years now, is one of my closest, is my closest friend. And what I realize is history is important to me because there is something special about when someone has history with you. But what I've realized that doesn't stop you from creating new history.

Exactly. And new memories. And that's what I feel with you. Like when I look at my time in COVID, I think of our time as we built so much history during COVID together, that's exciting to me because I don't have that history with any of those people because I wasn't there with them.

And I think that's exactly correct. And I'm not trying to discredit my childhood friends. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no I did if I'm being honest, struggle with friendship when I moved to LA, because I was so attached to how that should happen. How friendship was supposed to be that I was my biggest obstacle when it came to making new connections. Yeah, I love that. What a great answer, Leo. Like, what a great answer. Honestly, I appreciate you because that is such a... We've, again, never had done so. And so, you know... Will you hire me? Am I hired? I hired. Am I hired? Am I hired?

We'll give you an award fifth I'm fine award me I know what is it what is it the consequence of fifth or final question is and I'm so glad we didn't okay this from today the fast 5 is officially being scrapped when I feel like it. We have to find a new name. Please, please tag us on Instagram and come up with a new name. I'm struggling. All I'm doing right now is thinking of a new name. I'm going, what if I'm thinking of a cool? I haven't got one.

Okay, so fifth and final question is, if you could create one law or one habit that everyone in the world had to follow every day, what would it be? And take your time as well. Because every time we take your time, we get the best answers. Read beer, try and go.

That was Lily's voice, brother. That wasn't me at all. One word or one law or one habit. Yeah, either, either. Law as in something that people have to follow or a habit people have to practice. It's up to you. Something that I think is being lost in the universe today, and

perhaps it could be jaded by my career in social media, I don't know, but something that feels being lost in the world is the value of context. I feel like a lot of conflict in the world, a lot of tension in the world, a lot of negativity in the world is because we don't value context anymore. We judge people very quickly, we judge them from snippets online or things that they've said. Like I said, we don't appreciate their circumstances, we don't even acknowledge that they might have different circumstances from ours. I think the world would be a better place if it was mandatory to have context. place if it was mandatory to have context. When you're speaking to someone, when you're putting something on Twitter, when you are even debating, and I think the reason the word law maybe think of this is I think of how many times in a courtroom a decision or law has been

passed about a person or a group of people, even though that person or group of people, their context is nowhere in that room. You know, I think about how many people have made laws about women's bodies and no woman was part of that, or like one woman out of 20 was part of that decision, because there's no context. I think context is important and should be valued. And if you don't have that, what are you actually talking about? You know?

Lily, we're the deaf friends. Wow, these are like, I'm trying. Mine, Blah, you know. Lily with the deaf. Wow, these are like, I'm trying. Mine blowing. I'm not. No, literally, no, these are just, I mean, these lost three answers that you're given, we've just gone in an obviously completely different direction to what we're talking about. But like, that's such an that would be such an incredible low and habit. That if we, and I don't know how you would execute it, but that's for a different time and place. No, no, no, I think. Just the value of context

because it seems to be an endangered concept right now. Yeah, I often find the way I've been trying to do in certain circumstances is, and I'm sure you get this a lot. A lot of people ask me, oh, what's this person like? And I'm sure you get that too, because you've interviewed some amazing people,

you're friends with incredible people. And people, what's this person really like? And what I've realized is that that answer can be so complex and again, out of context, because it's so easy to say, oh yeah, I just bumped into them in an elevator and they were really rude and just in case they're a rude person. And what you just said is like, well, that's just one tiny minuscule experience. All the experiences, me say, oh, they're the sweetest, nicest person in the world. Again, it's a very subjective experience.

And the point is that without context, that answer can be so misconstrued. And that's just one example. And I've realized for me, practically, it's just saying something along the lines of like, this has been my experience. And being able to contextualize, but like, this has been my experience. And being able to contextualize, but saying, this is my relationship with that person, and

this is my experience with that person. That's all I can give you. I think even hearing someone say in my experience. In my experience. I think why I love that is because then someone listening doesn't really have the right to say, well, no. Yeah. Well, that's not, no, because again, context is again, we all have our own experiences and we need to understand that everyone has their own experiences.

I love that everyone. Lily Singh be a triangle. How I went from being lost to getting my life into shape is available right now. We have the link in every bio caption comment wherever you can get it. Please, please, please go and order the book today. It will not disappoint. I cannot wait to see this. Please tag me and Lily on Instagram, on Twitter, on Facebook, on TikTok, whatever you're on and share what your biggest nuggets, your biggest wisdom, your biggest takeaway were from this interview because I love seeing what resonated with you, what connected with you. And then what I'd love for you to do is take a picture of your favorite picture, sketch, whatever it may be from the book. And I want you to tag me and Lily and post that on Instagram too, because this book is full of the most beautiful

designs at PaperSimosa. Yeah, PaperSimosa. PaperSimosa. Please do tag us, because I'd love to see which ones you're resonating with, which ones you're in love with, which ones you're going to make a part of, your vision board and your meditation every day Lily, thank you so much. Thank you so much for this time. I've coming from the king himself Thank you for the support. I appreciate. I always have such a great comment and it's so lovely because like we're friends But we don't always get the chance to go this this and I love it like literally when I'm hearing and I felt this last time I said the same and last time we weren't as We had to start a new style of friendship and that's three years ago and I felt the same way last too. I said the same, and last time we weren't as, we hadn't spent as much time. Yeah, we were just starting off friendship,

but that was three years ago. And I felt the same way last time, and I said the same thing to you. I was like, that was just so deep and profound and thoughtful in so many ways. And you know, you're a comedian, so you'll always just like laugh it off or whatever. But genuinely, it was even this time,

and you've given me so much to think about that. And I appreciate having these conversations with you because we relate on so many levels. Lily, thank you so much for having me. Thank you for everyone for listening. Appreciate it. Yeah, thank you. What if you could tell the whole truth about your life, including all those tender invisible things we don't usually talk about?

I'm Megan Devine. Host of the podcast, it's okay that you're not okay. Look, everyone's at least a little bit not okay these days, and all those things we don't usually talk about, maybe we should. This season, I'm joined by stellar, gas-like abromate, reach cargo and so many more. It's okay that you're not okay. New episodes each and every Monday, available on the iHeartRadio app or wherever you listen to podcasts. Regardless of the progress you've made in life, I believe we could all benefit from wisdom

on handling common problems, making life seem more manageable, now more than ever. I'm Eric Zimmer, host of the One-E-Feed Podcast, where I interview thought-provoking guests who offer practical wisdom that you can use to create the life you want. 25 years ago, I was homeless and addicted to heroin. I've made my way through addiction recovery, learned to navigate my clinical depression, and figured out how to build a fulfilling life. The One You Feed has over 30 million downloads and was named one of the best podcasts by Apple Podcasts. When you feed has over 30 million downloads and was named one of the best podcasts by Apple podcasts, Oprah Magazine named this is one of 22 podcasts to help you live your best life.

You always have the chance to begin again and feed the best of yourself. The trap is the person often thinks they'll act once they feel better. It's actually the other way around. I have had over 500 conversations with world-renowned experts, and yet I'm still striving to be better. Join me on this journey. Listen to the one you feed on the iHeartRadio app Apple Podcast or wherever you get your podcasts.

Hi, I'm Brendan Francis Nuneum. I'm a journalist, a wanderer, and a bit of a bond-vivant, but mostly a human just trying to figure out what it's all about. And not lost is my new podcast about all those things. It's a travel show where each week I go with a friend to a new place and to really understand it, I try to get invited to a local's house for dinner, where kind of trying to get invited to a dinner party, it doesn't always work out. Ooh, I'll have to get back to you.

Listen to not lost on the iHeart radio app or wherever you get your podcasts. Ooh, I have to get back to you. Listen to not lost on the iHeart radio app or wherever you get your podcasts.