On Purpose with Jay Shetty - Mel Robbins ON: Why You Can’t Stop Procrastinating & How to Eliminate Self-Doubt in 5 Seconds

Episode Date: October 4, 2021

You can order my new book 8 RULES OF LOVE at 8rulesoflove.com or at a retail store near you. You can also get the chance to see me live on my first ever world tour. This is a 90 minute interactive show where I will take you on a journey of finding, keeping and even letting go of love. Head to jayshettytour.com and find out if I'll be in a city near you. Thank you so much for all your support - I hope to see you soon.Mel Robbins chats with Jay Shetty about the High 5 habit and how it can help you come to terms with your real self. How you start your day sets the tone for the rest of your day and immensely affects your confidence and productivity. And seeing that person looking at you in the mirror, your other self, helps you wipe away the dust that’s blocking you from loving your true self.Mel began her career as a criminal defense attorney in NYC for Legal Aid in 1994, spent 5 years at CNN as a legal analyst, 5 number one audiobooks released on Audible, and 1 Gracie Award: America’s Outstanding News Talk Show Host. Her book, The High 5 Habit, explains the one proven habit that gives you the confidence to transform your life.Go to http://samatea.com/onpurpose to get on the list for early access + receive a free 5-Minute Wellness Journal made to help guide you through your wellness journey and daily routineWhat We Discuss with Mel:00:00 Intro02:38 Think Like A Monk: Is it dust or is it me?04:46 The High 5 Habit08:38 How Covid brought many lives on a standstill13:26 The excitement of seeing yourself for the first time15:46 How to get into the High 5 habit22:50 Gestures that are symbols of trust and partnership26:49 Your mood in the morning impacts your confidence and productivity29:31 The bouncer in your brain34:00 How to be kind to yourself40:43 The research on the snooze button47:16 Outsourcing love and validation to outside things53:28 It’s only when you love yourself that you can let others love you57:14 It’s not your partner’s job to make you happy01:00:34 Leave room for each other to grow01:04:22 Jealousy is not hatred, it’s desire01:09:56 Your brain is designed to protect you and change requires risks01:13:40 Mel on Fast FiveLike this show? Please leave us a review here - even one sentence helps! Post a screenshot of you listening on Instagram & tag us so we can thank you personally!Episode Resources:Mel Robbins | WebsiteMel Robbins | FacebookMel Robbins | InstagramMel Robbins | LinkedInMel Robbins | YouTubeMel Robbins | TwitterMel Robbins | TikTokAchieve success in every area of your life with Jay Shetty’s Genius Community. Join over 10,000 members taking their holistic well-being to the next level today, at https://shetty.cc/OnPurposeGeniusSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

I'm Jay Shetty and on my podcast on purpose, I've had the honor to sit down with some of the most incredible hearts and minds on the planet. Oprah, Kobe Bryant, Kevin Hart, Louis Hamilton, and many, many more. On this podcast, you get to hear the raw real-life stories behind their journeys and the tools they used, the books they read, and the people that made a difference in their lives so that they can make a difference in hours. Listen to on purpose with Jay Shetty on the I Heart Radio app, Apple podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Join the journey soon. What if you could tell the whole truth about your life, including all those tender and visible things we don't usually talk about?

I'm Megan Devine. Host of the podcast, it's okay that you're not okay. Look everyone's at least a little bit not okay these days, and all those things we don't usually talk about, maybe we should. This season, I'm joined by stellar guests like Abbermote, Rachel Cargol, and so many more. It's okay that you're not okay. New episodes each and every Monday, available on the iHeartRadio app, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Regardless of the progress you've made in life, I believe we could all benefit from wisdom

on handling common problems. Making life seem more manageable, now more than ever. I'm Eric Zimmer, host of the One-Eu-Feed Podcast, where I interview thought-provoking guests who offer practical wisdom that you can use to create the life you want. 25 years ago, I was homeless and addicted to heroin. I've made my way through addiction recovery, learned to navigate my clinical depression, and figured out how to build a fulfilling life. The one you feed has over 30 million downloads and was named one of the best podcasts by Apple Podcasts.

Oprah Magazine named this is one of 22 podcasts to help you live your best life. You always have the chance to begin again and feed the best of yourself. The trap is the person often thinks they'll act once they feel better. It's actually the other way around. I have had over 500 conversations with world-renowned experts,

and yet I'm still striving to be better. Join me on this journey. Listen to the one you feed on the I Heart Radio app Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your podcasts. You don't even know the number of amazing things you do every day. Instead, you focus and ruminate on the one thing you didn't get to, and then you use that as evidence,

again, dust on the mirror. To see a human being that's not measuring up and never well and all that stuff, they're stupid, fourth grade teacher said to you must be true, dust on the mirror. No. You need to interrupt this. Here we go. Hey everyone, welcome back to On Purpose, the number one health podcast in the world. Thanks to each and every single one of you that come back every week to listen, learn, and grow.

And I am so excited to be talking to you today. I can't believe it. My new book, Eight Rules of Love is out and I cannot wait to share it with you. I am so, so excited for you to read this book, for you to listen to this book. I read the audiobook. If you haven't got it already, make sure you go to eightrulesoflove.com. It's dedicated to anyone who's trying to find, keep, or let go of love. So

if you've got friends that are dating, broken up, or struggling with love, make sure you grab this book. And I'd love to invite you to come and see me for my global tour. Love rules. Go to jsheddytour.com to learn more information about tickets, VIP experiences, and more. I can't wait to see you this year. Now, today's guest is a longtime friend, someone that I deeply admire. I can't wait to have this conversation with her. Her books, her audiobooks have been revolutionary. They've been absolutely phenomenal.

And finally, I can't believe this is the first time we actually have her on on purpose. I'm speaking about the one and only Mel Robbins. For those of you that don't know, she's one of the leading voices in personal development and transformation and an international best selling author. Her work includes the global phenomenon, the five second rule and the upcoming book that we're talking about today, the high five habit. And you can join the High Five Habit Challenge through the link in our description.

Plus, she has four number one best selling audiobooks, the number one podcast on audible, as well as signature online courses that have changed the lives of more than half a million students worldwide. Please welcome to on purpose, Mel, Robin's Mel. Thank you for being here. I love you. I got to like, I love you. Oh yes, there we go. Thank you for being here. I love you.

I gotta like, I love you. Oh yes, there we go. Let's do it both. I don't know if I can do that on the left one too. I think I just pulled her muscle under my rib. Okay, I can't believe this is your first time here. Well, first of all, thank you because you've invited me. And I just knew I wanted to wait

until I had something truly extraordinary to talk to you about. That I do. That just shows how modest you are because you always have something extraordinary to talk about. But I too am happy. Today we're talking about this incredible new book, The High Five Habit. Take control of your life with one simple habit. This is a book that I want everyone who's listening right now to go and order.

I know we haven't even started the conversation yet, but I'm so confident in what I've read from the book. My conversation is with Mel, not just online, but offline and Mel. I know you have an interesting story about how this relates to me somehow, which you mentioned to me. Oh, oh, I do. And I've been holding back since you walked in the room. I was like, save it for the podcast.

Save it for the podcast. Can you reveal my connection with the High Five habit? I sure can. Okay. So when I was coming on, it dawned on me, what an incredibly deep and profound connection that you and I share around what we're about to talk about. Now, like everybody in the planet, I devoured your book, I literally dog-eared it, I highlighted it, and on page seven, there is a story that you tell that is a beautiful metaphor that illustrates the external influences that obscure our true selves.

You know what story I'm talking about. I do. I believe it's, is it dust or is it me? Yes. Is that the mirror and the dust? Yes. And so the story is all about this metaphor of up in this attic of the ashram. There's a mirror with a thick layer of dust. And when you look at a mirror that's accumulated a thick layer of dust,

you can't truly see yourself, your soul, your spirit. And the dust comes from your life. It's not you. I'm going to get like super emotional already, because the high five habit is how you wipe the dust away. I know. And when I was reading that for anyone who's not watching right now, Mel is on the verge of tears. But if you're listening, when I opened up the high five habit and you tell that story for you, yeah, of you're looking in the mirror as we all do in the morning, and we wake up to brush our teeth, and you're criticizing yourself,

you're poking holes in your appearance in how you wish you worked out more, how you've got such a long to do list today, how you have no energy, how you'd rather curl up and watch TV and do nothing for the rest of the day, and that is an experience that we all have had more than we even think. Like we've had that daily. A lot of us have had that for months and even years. And so it's amazing how that story also starts looking in the mirror. Yes.

Tell us about what has changed about how you look in the mirror today with the high five habit. So I have been practicing this habit for a little over a year. And it all began in April of 2020. And this is not something that I was like, okay, I got to write a book. It's got to have a five in it. It's going to be five years since I've written a book. Thank you, dyslexia and ADHD. What am I going to write about?

That's not how this happened. The high five habit saved me. It was a ladder that helped me climb out of a hole I had fallen into emotionally, physically, spiritually. And a year later, after practicing, what is going to sound like a weird, stupid thing, which you will resist. And Jay, you and I are to unpack this because it's sad.

Why everybody resists it? It has to do with the dust that's accumulated. And I will tell you after a year of practicing this, I don't even see a face or a body. I see a soul. I don't even have to high five myself. I still do because it feels good and we're going to explain the science that is bananas about why this actually works for everybody who tries it because this is not something that's new. You are tapping into programming that's already in your mind and body and now directing it back at yourself. It's incredible. I don't

ever criticize myself. I don't ever see what's wrong. I see a human being who's trying, who deserves love and respect, and I know that it's my job to give it to her. You know, the five-second rule, which I created, I don't know, over a decade ago that's gone on to help me change my whole life. It's a little starting ritual and a brain hack that you can use to help yourself take the actions and change the thoughts that change your life. It helped me be more productive. It helped me get stuff done.

The high five habit has changed who I am. It has deleted a lifetime of criticism and negativity from my mind, and it has reprogrammed the soundtrack to be somebody that's supportive and a cheerleader. It's extraordinary. That's so beautiful to hear because I think so often we like to oscillate from one extreme to another. So people start by criticizing themselves and then sometimes we've heard in the toxic positivity movement of, well, just tell yourself,

you're amazing and tell yourself, you're incredible. And to me, that doesn't always work either because we struggle to say it with feeling and meaning and belief, but what I love about what you're sharing with the High Five had there is that it's actually looking at, no, you're trying. Let me be supportive. Let me be encouraging.

Let me use my words to notice that which I want to grow and work on, but I'm not creating an artificial illusion of either criticism or perfection, both of which are unreal. Well, and here's the extraordinary thing. You don't have to say a word. You don't have to say a word. Like, one of the reasons why mantras don't work for so many people is you choose something you don't believe. And so, as you stand before a mirror or you say it to yourself after a lifetime of beating yourself up, your brain's like, yep, no, we don't believe that.

Because you've told me the other opposite story for so long, I'm not gonna buy it now. You know, I gotta tell you like how this all went down because it's in the kind of unfolding of the story that there's layer after layer after layer. So, you know, the backdrop of this is that it was, you know, I think we all have that moment when we knew that COVID was going to change your life forever. When was that moment for you? I was one of the optimistic ones. When it first happened, I was like,

I was going to deal with this in like a month or maybe three months. And so I think it was about three months in, where I was like, okay, I have no idea how this is going and This is not what I expected. So I'd say about three months in. I'd say probably about that June time June 2020 got it. Yeah, well for me it happened on a Wednesday in March of 2020 I was yeah early because I was taping my daytime talk show at CBS broadcast center and they walked in and said they'd found it in the building And within five minutes we had to evacuate show canceled, I'm fired for my dream job. Driving home to Boston, Massachusetts, which is where my husband and I have raised our kids. I see New York City disappearing in the skyline, phone rings, it's our daughter who's studying a

broad for college and they're shutting down the borders. Then the other daughter, they're closing down the university here in California. We all get home and speech after speech after speech gets canceled. And then a publisher I'd been working with on a totally different book concept, cancels that contract. And now I've got to give money back that I've already spent. There's no PPP loans yet. I have no idea how I'm going to make payroll. My kids are in a complete state of crisis and break down because their lives are now just imploding before their eyes.

I'm worried about the world. I'm worried about frontline workers. And I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders. And I wake up one morning in April. And it's a very familiar feeling. This is not a book about the pandemic. This is a book about how you pick yourself up when you feel like you just don't know how to face your life. So I woke up that morning and I felt defeated.

I felt overwhelmed. I felt exhausted. I used the five-second rule, five, four, three, two, one to get out of bed, I make the bed so I don't crawl back into it, and I go to the bathroom. And I'm standing there in the bathroom and I'm brushing my teeth, and as I'm brushing my teeth, I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. And I think, oh my God, you look like hell.

And then my mind started to criticize the woman in the mirror. The dark circles under her eyes, the saggy neck, one breast is hanging lower than the other, just the beat down begins. And then of course, once you go there, you teach this, your mind is just going to keep on taking you down. And so it became, why did you get up so late? And you got to zoom call in eight minutes and you haven't even walked the dog. And you know what's interesting about this moment, Jay? If you had walked in the bathroom in that moment, I would have been able to turn on a dime.

I would have said, Jay, I know it's a lot. You don't deserve this. But if anybody can handle this, you can. I know you can. I would have lifted you up, like, just, it would have been if forever less. But standing there alone in my underwear, in my own bathroom, I couldn't think of anything to say. And in fact, here's the thing, I don't think I would have believed it because of what you just said. It didn't match how I was feeling. you just said, it didn't match how I was feeling. Now, I don't know what came over me because it sounds ridiculous. I've never done this before,

but I suddenly found myself raising my hand and high-fiving that woman I saw in the mirror because she needed it. And here's the thing, it's not like lightning struck, right? You know, I sound like the heavens heavens parted, angels are like, oh, life is burned. That's not what happened. The dog still needed to be walked. They still had endless things. I was still worried. But something in me shifted. It was weird. And it was kind of this thing because I thought a lot about this moment. It's like my shoulders dropped and my chin lifted. And I didn't even say anything positive. It's like there was this energy flip. And

the energy felt a little bit more, not very Jay Shetty, more kind of Mel Robbins. Oh, come on. Get out there. Stop complaining. Get yourself. Come on. You can do this. Like, it was sort of that sort of, all right. Here we go. But it was the second morning. The second morning is when everything changed. I wake up, same problems, same overwhelm, exhausted, defeated, tired, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. I get out of bed, I make the bed. I start walking to the bathroom. And Jay, I noticed that I was feeling

something. I had never felt in my entire life. And it was this. You know when you're about to meet a friend, somebody you really like at a cafe, you're gonna go have a cup of tea. What do you feel right before you walk in the door? Excitement, enthusiasm, energy, joy, positive nervousness, that kind of like butterflies even in a positive sense? Yeah. So at that smallment, I was 51 years old. In 51 years of being alive, I don't ever remember feeling that feeling about seeing myself. For the first time in my life, I had this sensation that I was excited to see the human being, Mel Robbins.

Now, I've been excited to see an outfit or excited to see a haircut. I have never been excited to see a haircut, I have never been excited to see the person. And so I round the corner in this sense of how profound this is is hitting me. And I'm standing there brushing my teeth and I realize something really wild. There are always two of you in the bathroom together.

There's you and there is a human being in the mirror, a person who needs you, a person who has been waiting for you to wake up and realize they are there, and they need you to see them, and to hear them, and to love them, and to support them. And so what's interesting because you brought up morning routines, right? Is that we all talk about the importance of setting our day up because it's how it ends up, we talk about gratitude and meditation and we know the extraordinary benefits of it.

But I don't think anybody has truly amplified the fact that there is this dirty habit that we all have. Every single morning that is a part of your morning routine, unless you have weeded this out, and it is a habit of either ignoring yourself or beating the heck out of yourself every single morning in the mirror. I mean, 91% of women don't like how they look. 50% of us can't even look at ourselves in the mirror. That's what I was about to say, that eye contact, I think there's such a struggle,

what you just rightly said, it's not just that we beat ourselves up or criticize, we can't even look at ourselves. How does the high five habit help us get that? Oh, it's incredible. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, let's talk about the habits so that we can break it down.

Yeah, yeah. Because I know part of it is practicing in the bathroom. Yeah, see, see. I know part of it is looking nervous. So let's break it down. Yeah, yeah. Because I know part of it is practicing in the bathroom. Yeah, see, see. I know part of it is looking nervous. So let's break it down. Okay, so here's where you're going to feel. When you do it, it's very simple. You're going to look at yourself in the mirror and you're going to leverage some research

out of Harvard. We'll talk about that too. Yeah, I'm going to dive into that. Okay, so you're basically just going to look at yourself in the mirror and you're going to ask yourself, what is that human being need for me today? How can I show up for him or her today? How do I do that today? Kindness, do I need to be more courageous or bold?

You kind of set this intention for yourself. And then you're simply gonna raise your hand and you're gonna high five yourself. Now a couple things I want you to expect. Number one, it will feel weird, period. It feels weird for everybody because it is the opposite of what you're doing right now, and so your brain is going to reject it as odd.

Number two, you're either going to have one of two reactions. That's it. There's no middle ground. You will either have a very profound positive experience where you're going to laugh, probably because it kind of feels good and it's kind of silly, or you're going to laugh, probably because it kind of feels good and it's kind of silly, or you're going to burst into tears in a positive way. Because it's a release that you have finally woken up and started supporting yourself. You just got it. And that's where the tears come from. But more likely, although maybe not for you, because you're a fan of this podcast, but more likely,

maybe not for you because you're a fan of this podcast, but more likely, you will feel resistance. And the resistance is the dust on the mirror. Every single morning, Jay, we bring with us our entire past. Whatever's been done to you, whether it's trauma or discrimination or abuse or neglect or abandonment, it is standing between you and the mirror. It's the dust. And you see that dust and you say, that means that I am not worthy. I am not lovable. So you see a human being that's distorted and you say to yourself, because of what's happened, I don't deserve a high five. Or if you're a human being, you've done a ton of stuff that you regret. And so all the things that wish you could change, that you would forgive Jay or you'd forgive Mel Robbins for, you cannot forgive yourself. It's more dust.

And so you stand there and you say, because of all that stuff that I did, I'm unworthy or I'm unlovable or I'm this or I'm that. And that dust keeps you from seeing a human being who deserves support and celebration. Or another form of the dust, which is the resistance, is that you actually believe that you do not deserve to be celebrated or supported unless you have the bank account or the number on the scale or you drive in the car or live in the neighborhood or your hair is less kinky or you're this or you're that. And so you withhold the very support and celebration that you need in order to change your life from

you because you haven't done it yet. That's where the resistance comes from. And so I'm here to say you got to try this for five days because it's going to feel weird, you're going to resist it. And what's going to happen is you'll notice as you raise your hand, and this is where the science gets amazing, as you raise your hand, Jay, you will go from thinking this is weird or thinking this is stupid to silence, and this is explained by science. There is a field of study called Narobics. Narobics is a word that I did not invent, invent. It is a Robic or physical movement with new neural pathway development,

and research has shown that when you use Narobics, it is the fastest way to form new neural pathways. So the way that you do it is you take an unexpected physical movement like high-fiving yourself, something you've never done, and you marry it with a thought. Now here's where things get crazy, cool. You've been high-fiving people your whole life. You've been receiving high-fives your whole life. You've been receiving high-fives your whole life. So, Jay, when you high-five somebody, what are you communicating through

the gesture? A feeling of connectedness, a feeling of support, a feeling of, I'm congratulating you, or celebrating you, a feeling of, you've got this, like that kind of feeling. Yeah, completely. All of it is programmed in your subconscious brain. When you go to raise your hand to high five somebody, I can never high five J and go, you're a jerk. Yeah. J, I don't like you.

J, I hope you're T, which I'm a founding club member of, really fails. You can't do it. Because the programming is already in your brain. Yes. So you cannot look at yourself in the mirror and think terrible things while you're high-fiving yourself because your brain won't allow it. Right. It is programmed to think something different.

And as you repeat this every day, just five days, Dear God, give me five days of doing this. You will override the critic, and you will reprogram your mind to associate belief, love, encouragement, support, resilience with your own reflection. This is why I don't even see myself in terms of a body anymore. I see a human being that I love, that I support, just like I would a friend or a child that I love unconditionally.

It's mind-blowing, but that's not all. So I talked to our pal, Dr. Daniel Aiman. And this isn't even in the book. This is just something I learned two weeks ago. He went bananas when I talked about this thing. So Jay, when you high-five somebody else, your brain drips dopamine. The reason why when you do this, even on a low morning, you get a boost in your mood

and a little bit of clarity is you get a drip of dopamine by high-fiving yourself. Again, because the programming is already in your brain, you're just now turning it from everybody else and giving it to yourself. And there's a second thing that's super cool. So Dr. Aiman was explaining. He said, you know, and you know, Mel, when you leave the bathroom, you feel kind of peppy, right? And I'm like, yeah, it's kind of weird. He said, well, let me tell you what that is. He said, your nervous system is encoded with celebratory energy. When you wave, hello,

you're raising your arms. When you cross a finish line, you raise your arms. When you hug somebody, you raise your arms, when you high-five somebody, you raise your arms. When you cross a finish line, you raise your arms. When you hug somebody, you raise your arms. When you high-five somebody, you raise your arms. When you do this every morning, especially when you're going through a challenging moment, your nervous system recognizes the celebratory gesture and gives you a jolt of energy. Is that not incredible? It's incredible.

And it makes so much sense. Yes. And I love, you have this incredible ability to Make Personal development feel like a light switch You would never think it's that simple, but we all every day flip on a light switch We expect the light to come on we flip it off and it goes off and With the high five habit and the five second rule, I feel there both light switches. They're this

really tiny action, really tiny action. But there's really big result that just instantly happens, right? What you're just saying now, what you just said about everything Dr. Danley Munte told you, those are massive responses to a really simple action. I mean, just raising your hand to just high-fiving. And so, I feel like you do that beautifully. You really have this art in simplifying things into seconds worth of advice. And what I love about that is, that's why our brain has less excuses. Because if you're like, Jay, I really need you to take out like 20 minutes of your day,

do this new thing, everyone goes, where I'm going to find 20 minutes. You literally took about again, five seconds. Yes. How long does it take to high five yourself? Even less probably. Yeah. And you don't have to say anything. You don't have to feel anything. You just have to do it.

And what's already programmed in your body, it does. You're right. It's such a beautiful light switch. It flips it on for you. And I want you to do it right after you brush your teeth because you gotta get that crap out of your mouth. You don't spread the drag and breath on everybody. Let's get the crap and the dust off the mirror. So you're not spreading that negativity

throughout your day and you're walking into your day, feeling like you have your own back and feeling that life force that you were born with. And being reminded that, yeah, life may be hard. Yeah, I may have screwed things up, but I know I'm still here trying, and I deserve to feel supported. And so I'm going to tap into this to send myself out into the game. You know one of the really cool studies, I'm sure you loved the study about the NBA teams.

I know you've talked about this yourself. This is both common sense and science. How does your favorite sports team begin the game? By high-fiving each other to send yourself out into the game. But when researchers actually studied NBA teams, they could predict who's going to be the most successful teams at the end of the season and who's going to be at the bottom of the league based on one characteristic

at the beginning of the season in the preseason, and that is how many times does the team in the preseason do fist bumps, high fives, or pats on the back. And what they found is it's the teams that do that the most in the beginning have the winningest record. And the question is why. Well, the reason why is these gestures are more than gestures.

They're symbols of trust and partnership. They build momentum. And so many of us are struggling in life with people pleasing and guilt and all of these emotions because we have broken that partnership with ourselves. And this is a way every morning after brushing your teeth, we're going to stack this habit. Put the toothbrush down, pick up your hand, look yourself in the mirror and say, how am I going to show up for that human being today and seal it with a high five? That's it.

That's it. And what I love about this book, for those of you listening, you have to get the book to see this, is you have these beautiful pictures from your community and beyond of people actually practicing it. And do you prefer that one or that one? That one, yeah. Let me know if it's good. You can zoom in. So I just want to show a few pages, home at home. Yeah, you got it. Amazing. I want to show you a few pages just because I think it's beautiful to see so many people practicing this. There's a few more that I want to show you. Oh, the way back. Yeah. I think, oh, yeah,

the ones at the back, but there's also these, the one of you is really special to me. That one, I have to show that one. I really like that one because to me, that was a... Shabby too. Yeah, that one to me was brilliant. This is when Mel discovered. Had I known, this was gonna be a photo, with my returner in and my bed head.

Yeah, that's the best. But it's beautiful because I love how practical it is. I love how everyone can give it a go. I really believe everyone who's listening right now, we can all take five days to give this a go. Even if you think it's silly, which I don't think you will, because you love this podcast and you love Mel and you love everything that we're talking about. But it's like, this is the least investment we could make in ourself. Like it requires zero investment. It requires free.

It's free. It requires zero time commitment. You're already standing in front of the mirror, brushing your teeth. Yeah, it's just an extra five seconds on top of that. It's absolutely nothing more. Tell me about what this does for the rest of the day. What is the knock on effect of doing something like this

in the morning because what my head's going to right now is in this moment, you are choosing to high five instead of beat yourself. That's to me what you're teaching people today. You're training people to choose, make a choice that is going to transfer into every choice they have to make throughout the day. So now when their boss says to them, hey, you haven't done this, you haven't done that,

you haven't done this. How's it going to impact? Talk to me about that and what you saw with that. Oh, this is absolutely awesome. I'm Danny Shapiro, host of Family Secrets. It's hard to believe we're entering our eighth season. And yet, we're constantly discovering new secrets. The depths of them, the variety of them

continues to be astonishing. I can't wait to share 10 incredible stories with you, stories of tenacity, resilience, and the profoundly necessary excavation of long-held family secrets. When I realized this is not just happening to me, this is who and what I am. I needed her to help me.

Something was gnawing at me that I couldn't put my finger on, that I just felt somehow that there was a piece missing. Why not restart, look at all the things that were going wrong? I hope you'll join me and my extraordinary guests for this new season of Family Secrets. Listen to season eight of Family Secrets. Listen to season 8 of Family Secrets on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever

you'll get your podcasts. A good way to learn about a place is to talk to the people that live there. There's just this sexy vibe and Montreal, this pulse, this energy. What has been seen is a very snotty city. People call it Bosedangeless. New Orleans is a town that never forgets its pay. A great way to get to know a place is to get invited to a dinner party.

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We learn about the places we're visiting, yes, but we also learn about ourselves. I don't spend as much time thinking about how I'm going to die alone when I'm traveling. But I get to travel with someone I love. Oh, see, I love you too. And also, we get to eat as much. I've ever seen Sear, I love you too. And also, we get to eat as much. I'm very sincere. I love you too. My ex a lot of therapy goes behind that.

You're so white, I love it. Listen to not lost on the iHeart Radio app or wherever you get your podcasts. Our 20s are saying is this golden decade. Our time to be carefree, full in love, make mistakes, and decide what we want from our life. But what can psychology really teach us about this decade? I'm Gemma Speg, the host of the psychology of your 20s. Each week we take a deep dive into a unique aspect of our 20s, from career anxiety,

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Now streaming on the iHotRadio app, Apple podcasts or whatever you get your podcasts. So kind of from a, just sort of the way that people talk about it, this is both what I've experienced and what our audience is constantly writing to us about and by the way, this is without even having a book out yet. I know. This is simply from having people and convincing people around the world to try it.

Everybody says it's weird, but I got a hand at to you, Mel. This pivots my day and sends it in an entirely different trajectory. You know, you talk about it all the time. You're mood in the morning, impacts your confidence and your productivity all day. We know that research from Harvard tells us that when you get intentional about how you're going to show up and not only boost your productivity and your confidence and your focus, it also changes your ability to make an impact with people. We also know all the research around what's called emotional contagion.

I didn't even write about this in the book, but when you separate leaders into two groups and you show one group of leader, you know, very stressful videos for 20 minutes that make you feel agitated or bummed out, and you throw another group, all these videos with puppies and kittens and Jay Shetty content, that's amazing. The leaders that go in to their teams within 10 minutes, the teams feel exactly either the negative agitation or the positive agitation, but it goes even deeper. So the high five habit in the merej, it's just the Trojan horse. Of course. There are dozens of tools in this, and we go deep into something you talk about all the time,

the particular activity system, which is the filter in your brain, that in real time, I think about it, this is not an elegant way to describe it, I think about it like an electronic hair net that sits on your brain. And in real time, this sucker is changing. We've all experienced its effect when we've shopped for a house or a car. The second you start shopping for your first car, what happens? You start seeing those cars that you're looking for everywhere. Everywhere. That's your RAS. You have a bouncer in your brain that has a massive job.

The job of your bouncer in your brain is to decide what gets into the prefrontal cortex, what passes through. There's only four things, Jay, that actually get through automatically. Your name. We've all experienced it. Oh, did they things, Jay, that actually get through automatically. Your name. We've all experienced it. Oh, did they say, Jay? Number two. Now, having to meet this morning.

Really? I had a random person, I think, shouting my name out, so I was looking around. Well, that's the bouncer in your brain. It let it in. And there are bazillion other sounds, by the way, that you didn't hear, because the bouncer in your brain blocked them out. The second thing is any immediate threat. So like, if you hear a loud noise,

you'll kind of like duck, but there are loud noises all day that don't make you do that because the bouncer in your brain is blocking it out. The third one, and this can be tricky for relationships. I know you're writing a book about this. So this, this is any sign that you think your partner might be interested in sex with you or somebody else. You know, this is that jealousy. Hey, you think your partner might be interested in sex with you or somebody else. You know, this is that jealousy. Hey, you look at somebody. And then the fourth one, and this is where the treasure is. This is everything.

Your brain filters the world based on what you tell it is important to you. So when you're shopping for a new car, you suddenly say to your RAS, this is important to me. And it lets an imagery of the car. This works in positive and negative ways. Trauma is an example of how your filter gets trained by a very negative event. It becomes very important because your nervous system responded to it, so your brain records as much as it can to try to protect you.

A positive way is by saying something that you talk about, the writing out of your goals, they having visual and environmental triggers that keep these things front of mind. These are ways to train your brain for a positive effect. So one of the things that happens when you start to high-five yourself and why it goes so much deeper even than the boost and the partnership is that what happens is you're now tapping into an entire field of research called behavioral activation therapy. You talk about it a lot, you know all the science. If you don't know it, there's a very simple way to talk about it. It's called act like the person you want to become. And the reason why this is

so important is we know thinking alone won't get you to change. You actually have to take the actions that change everything. And one of the reasons why high-fiving yourself is such a powerful action is the bouncer in your brain, the RIS, it's paying attention. When it suddenly sees you, stop the beat down. And it sees you act differently. It sees you acting like somebody who actually cares about you, who celebrates you and who sees the high five, it will switch in real time and start to see the world in a way that reflects back the fact that you

deserve love and support. So the more that you act like somebody who loves and supports and believes in themselves, by high-fiving themselves, the more your brain changes and the more your reality changes. Now, to your point with toxic positivity, does it change the very real issues people face? Of course not. It does not change the fact that there's discrimination and poverty and trauma and very real obstacles that you may be facing right now. What it changes is you and your ability to face those things and your resilience and your belief that through your attitude and your actions. You can make a positive difference in those things.

a positive difference in those things. Yeah. What I love about you, what you just said is that we're all going to face pain and discomfort regardless. The only choice we have is are you going to face pain and discomfort with the feeling of supporting yourself or are you going to face pain and discomfort with the feeling of condemning yourself, right? That's the only choice you have. We're all going to face it. We're all going to have to deal with stuff that we don't want to deal with. And the only choice we get to make is what attitude do I want to affect this from? What thoughts do I want to have as I go through this? And I think all of us

would agree that we'd rather be going through with thoughts that say, you've got this, you can do this, we can get there, we'll figure it out, we'll find an answer, we'll make it through. Rather than the voice in your head that's saying, I don't think you should do this. No, there's not going to work. No, stop. No, you're terrible. Oh, this is the worst thing, which is what we're all hearing. Right.

Let's talk about what are the key aspects. You talk about this so much in the book. And I do believe this is at the heart of the high five habit and also just the heart of what you're sharing in this book. What are the key principles of how someone deals with themselves when they love themselves, when they care for themselves? What are those key tenets, those key values that we can draw ourselves to and measure against, say, am I doing that for myself? Does that make sense? Am I creating that for myself? Because I feel like we know, we always say, and some of this is similar, but we always say, oh, if your child's, and

you have children going off to make friends at school, we always say, well, be kind. You share advice, but we've never been told how to have a relationship with ourselves. What are the key principles to having a positive relationship with yourself? It's a fabulous question. So I think at the heart of it are two foundational habits that you need. And one, you already mentioned. It's being kind to yourself. It's really that simple.

And I know you know the study that they did in the UK where they looked at every possible behavior change that you could do in life. And whether it was changing in diet, meditation, exercise, relationship changes, all of it, the one change that has the biggest impact on fulfillment and happiness is being kind to yourself. And it's the one change we practice the least because I don't think we know how. Yeah, I don't, how do, yeah, how do we be kind to ourselves? Well, number one, stop the beat down in the mirror

and despite the fact that it might feel weird or you're gonna resist it or you got a lot of dust. Oh boy, we gotta wipe it away. Ooh, it's for like mud, it's for like dust. Jay has dust, the rest of us are caked with mud. Gotta get some alcohol grease in there. The high five habit every day is wiping that away. Okay, that's number one.

Number two, when you catch yourself in the what if loop or the beat down, use the five second row count backwards, five, four, three, two, one, interrupt it and start just interrupting it because you don't have to listen to it. You can't always control when it pops up, but you can start to create distance from it. Meditation obviously helps with that,

but in terms of the hand-to-fist combat with your own brain, I prefer punchback, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, and then I literally go, I'm not thinking about that. Another strategy that you can use as you're doing the hand-to-hand combat with your own brain is come up with like an avatar for this negative voice, okay? And make it really good.

Like when our son was really profoundly struggling with anxiety, he's 16 now. He started to call that worry wart in his head that was beating him up all over. And he looked like this big pimply bully of a kid that was out of the diary, the wimpy kid. And he would literally say when he was nine years old, shut up all over, like you're not invited to sleep, but like he would literally talk to it. And it sounds like you're giving your kid

multiple personalities. That's not actually what's happening. You're leveraging objectivity, so you separate yourself from the voice that's talking to you. Yes. Another thing that you can do, I love this for worrying. objectivity, so you separate yourself from the voice that's talking to you. Another thing that you can do, I love this for worrying. Oh, this is a genius to steal your word. Move.

When you catch yourself doing the what ifs, because we know there's two forms of worrying, there's the type of worrying that just destroys you, that's destructive worrying, where you just ruminate what if, what if, what if, what if, then there's the positive form of worrying, which is productive, because it motivates you to change. When you get stuck in the what if, what if, what if? Interrupt it with this. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, and then go, what if it all works out? What if this turns out to be one of the hardest things I do with the best decision I've ever made? What if placing a bet on myself was the moment my life changed? What if it all works out? Because you can't argue with that. And it literally stops that sort of cycling. Because worrying is just a habit that you have,

it's like a pathway that you've plowed in your mind. And it's a protection mechanism. You're actually not a procrastinator, you're not a warrior, you're just afraid. Yeah. And by staying in your mind, you think you're safe. And really what you're doing is you're holding yourself back from living the life that you're meant to live. I love that. That's such a great answer.

So that's be kind to yourself. I've got a couple of, yeah, and then- That would be kind to yourself. Yes, yes, and then there's another one. And then the other ones, keep the little promises that you make to yourself. And there's two simple ways you can practice this that everybody's going to hate.

When you set the alarm the night before, I don't believe in having the same wake up time every morning, because I think if you have a normal life, things are constantly changing. And so I think if you were to have one simple habit, which is the night before you go to bed, think about when you need to wake up to truly support yourself, and then intentionally set your alarm. And if you want to get really intentional with the science here, make it like a random

odd number. Don't make it six o'clock, make it six-seventine because there's a purpose behind that. And then when that alarm rings, don't think about it like an obligation. I want you to think about it like it's a promise that you're going to practice keeping. And this is where you can use the five-second rule. You're just going to count backwards, five, four, three, two, one, to interrupt all of the desire in your mind and body to stay in bed or to hit the snooze button or to argue against what you need to do, and you're going to push

through that resistance and take action. And by getting out of bed simply when you said you would, you are again behavioral activation therapy. You're acting like a person who keeps their promises. You trust yourself. Yes, here's another one. Can we just talk about that one? Have, have we ever talked about 617 before 6 I don't even know what 717 is it so I guess I don't know

It's so strange when you said don't set it at 6 and you just said in my mind I was like a 617 just before you said it no, and yeah, I'm not kidding So is that like your wake up time? No, it isn't eye wake up at six. Okay, so why did you think 16. I have no idea, that's what I was asking you. Have we talked about it before? And I was like, you know, the time you wake up or do you discuss that in Napar or? No.

That is so strange. I literally was like, yeah, she's gonna say, 16, 17. That is bizarre. And I'm trying to think, now, where in my mind is 16, 17? Anyway, but the point being, I really, really like that principle.

And what I found, and you're so right that every day is different, is I found seep sleeping the same amount of time is more important than waking up at the same time. Well, do you know the research around the snooze button? Yes, yes. Yes, please tell us. Please tell us. So literally, it also when it comes to productivity and focus and fulfillment, it's not when you

get up, it's how you get up. And there's all this crazy research, like I'm not some sort of like psycho about the alarm clock or the snooze button, I personally love sleeping in. But I also know that as somebody that struggled with anxiety for three decades, lying in bed in the morning or at night,

is the worst place I can be. Absolutely. That is where the anxiety can pin you down like a gravity blanket. And so understanding that the habit of hitting the snooze button has a detrimental impact on your productivity all day. Because what happens is when you wake up, your brain is typically ready to wake up.

When you drift back to sleep after hitting the snooze button, your brain drifts back into a sleep cycle, which based on research takes about 75 minutes to complete. When the alarm goes off nine minutes later, your brain is now trapped in a sleep cycle, and researchers say it takes you about four hours to snap out of what they call sleep inertia. That impacts your productivity all day long. And so you're complaining that- I didn't get enough sleep and you feel groggy. No, you actually got plenty of sleep. You screwed yourself over by hitting the snooze button, and now your prefrontal cortex can't snap back into operation until you're ready to go.

And what to speak about emotionally, which is what you took my earlier about you've broken your trust with yourself, and that's why when we set these unrealistic targets, I'm gonna wake up at 5 a.m. tomorrow, I'm gonna wake up at 6, whatever it is, that's unrealistic for you. And then you hit the snooze button four times. And you wake up at the time, you would have woken up at any way.

That's just made you lose faith in yourself over nothing, right? Totally. Totally. See, I'm kind of one of these people, but I sort of like lame goals, because I want you to win. You know, I'm just asking for a high five in the mirror. I'm just asking that you roll out of bed, five, four, three, two, one. Here's another wonderful one.

Make your bed, and here's why, not because I need you to be a Navy SEAL, but because when you literally, and I'm not even talking pop a quarter off of it, I'm talking through the blanket pop a quarter off of it, I'm talking, throw the blanket across, karate chop a pillow, throw a throw on a diagonal, we're done here. Kind of thing, here's why.

Number one, it's a beautiful gift you can give to yourself. Because as you walk back into your room, it's done. You don't see a mess. Your brain sees a person that actually is kind to themselves and follows through on things. Tonight, when you lay down a dream, you have a nice that actually is kind to themselves and follows through on things. Tonight, when you lay down a dream, you have a nice place to come back to. And this is what I'm talking about with lame, lame goals.

And what I call simple discipline. Simple discipline is roll out a bed when the alarm rings. Simple discipline is make your bed. Simple discipline. I'm even gonna make exercise easy. You wanna hear? Yeah, go for it. So easy. Okay, you ready?

Tonight in your closet, get your exercise clothes out, lay them on the floor, put them right in your way, so you can't step around them. Because then they're there as a trap on your floor the next morning. Again, you don't have to think about it.

You're like, oh my gosh, stepping over them is you breaking a promise. When you pull them on, I know you're more likely to exercise today because they're already on your body. And so, but in my book, we're practicing simple things here. So you get a high five just for pulling the tights on, man. Like, I'm not even gonna count exercising. If you get the exercise close on, we've gotten up,

we've made our bed, we got our exercise. Now we're gonna high five them here. Honey, you just got four wins. You've only been up for 20 seconds. This is the Mel Robbins program. This is how you build trust with yourself. Yes. By setting really small goals, little tiny promises,

because you're building a new muscle. And the most important promise in all of this is how you treat yourself in the mirror. Because as you know, Jay, that relationship that you have with yourself is the foundation for every relationship that you have. If you can't look yourself in the eye, you will never be able to allow somebody else to love you,

because you don't first love yourself. If you struggle with people pleasing, that's not about other people. That's about your insecurity with yourself. So it comes back again to this simple discipline of looking at yourself and learning how to be secure with the one human being you spend your whole life with. And the only way you're going to start being secure with who you are is when you start accepting and loving who you are,

no matter where you are, whether you exercise today or not, whether you blew it yesterday or not, whether you really are trying hard and winning or not. I love that. For me, making my bed also improves my relationship with my wife because she happens to wake up earlier than me. And therefore, we have a rule in our house, whoever wakes up second does the bed, which means I end up doing the bed. I don't like that rule, because my husband gets up first. Yeah, so anyway, I always have to do my bed.

But my wife also likes to have like 20 pillows on the bed. So there's more pillows on the bed than there is a bed. And so I really don't enjoy it in the bed. Because I have to organize these pillows. And she do the karate chop. Do you have to have the karate chop on the bed? Yeah, I have to do the karate chop. I have to lay the throw.

I'll go for three pillows one behind the other. I mean, it's like real work. But by the time I finish doing them, I'm like, I can do anything. But I love all these principles you're talking about. But the biggest thing is the theme that's underlying all of them is celebrate, congratulate, build trust, which you're so right that this, if anyone's listening and thinking, oh, well, if I celebrate these little things and I'll never do anything big, no, it's, it's the other way around.

It's that if you build trust with yourself, doing these little things, you'll trust yourself with bigger things. And, and anyone that you see that's doing big, bold, incredible things today is because they trusted themselves with the tiny, small, incremental changes. And so when Mel saying, celebrate, just putting the gym clothes on, she's saying that because if you celebrate that, you'll notice that, hey, I can trust myself for this. Let's talk about celebration because for both of us,

and I also see this in you, and I think, you know, when we're in Napa and we're with all our friends, I feel that celebration is something that everyone struggles with the more successful they become. Mm. And we, because the goals get bigger. The timeline of the next project gets longer because it's harder.

It's like launching a TV show as you did, or you wrote another book after five years. There's more pressure this time because the last thing was incredible. And now you're doing something bigger. I find like we live in this world where it's easy to stop celebrating. Did you find that or have you always found time for yourself to celebrate your wins and your successes? I'm just asking on a personal level.

The honest answer is that I think it wasn't until I discovered the high five habit that I profoundly realized how much self hatred I was dealing with. And despite everything else, yeah. Well, and this I think is a really big piece of the power of this, especially if you're somebody who's achievement oriented and everybody that listens to this podcast feels a big calling and wants to do more in the world and make a bigger difference and a bigger impact. There's a real danger that's very common, Jay, that you start to marry or you've always married, being worthy or lovable with what you're doing and what you're achieving. And it works both ways in terms of if you don't have the number on the scale,

it means again the dust on the mirror, you're not worthy because you haven't achieved it yet. And for those of us that have achieved some things that we've set out to do, what happens is you find that as soon as you achieve the thing, you actually need to do something else. Bigger, better. Better, because it was a thing that you achieved that made you lovable or worthy. And the real trick, and this is everything, is being able to know and feel in your bones that you are lovable and worthy just because you're breathing.

And that was a huge breakthrough for me. And so no, I never celebrated because I think I was so married to this idea that if, unless I'm doing or winning or achieving, and it happens so subtly when you're little because you start to get so much positive praise, when you get a good grade, or when you do something at school, or when you make your mates laugh, or whatever it might be, because you start to get so much positive praise when you get a good grade or when you do something at school or when you make your mates laugh or whatever it might be, that you start to go, oh, that's what love feels like. Oh, if I do that and so you outsource love and validation

to outside things and I'm here to tell you, we all gotta learn how to bring it back home and anchor the validation and love that you need, where you are right now every single day. And it's only in discovering this that I had to confront just how much I was beating myself up, just how much I was tearing myself down and how I was chasing these things. Because what I actually wanted was to feel loved. Like if you ask yourself, okay, great, you want to make a million dollars, why?

There's a feeling that you're looking for from that. And if you can start to work on bringing that feeling into your day-to-day life for yourself, it changes the way that you go about achieving things. Like I didn't even enjoy half the stuff that I did because I was constantly, maniacally focused on the things that weren't working, rather than the hundred things that were.

And the same is true with everybody's day. You don't even know the number of amazing things you do every day. You feed the dog high five. You got the kids at school high five. You read 10 pages of the book high five. You said a nice thing to a dog high five. You got the kids at school high five. You read 10 pages of the book high five. You said a nice thing to a stranger high five. You got something done at work high five. You got through 70% of your inbox high five. Instead you focus and ruminate on the one thing you didn't get to and then you use that as evidence again dust on the mirror.

To see a human being that's not measuring up and never will and all that stuff. There's stupid fourth grade teacher said, do you must be true? Dust on the mirror? No. You need to interrupt this period. Yeah. That is so, so powerful. Everything you just said, I was just nodding along thinking, this is so true.

I saw a video recently from a good friend of mine, Jason Goldberg, and he was talking about a study at the Olympics where people who win bronze are happier than those who win silver. And so coming third makes you happy than coming second because the people that come second, they go, oh, but I was a second away from first, and so they feel disheartened, whereas the person who came third goes, at least I made it on the podium. Yeah. And that's what you're saying. Yeah, thousand times.

Make it to the podium. Yes. Put on the clothes. Or just put on the clothes. Just put on the clothes, but that's making it to the question. Like to me, that's just getting there. It's not about.

And actually, what you really hit something when you were saying that about celebration for me It's not just about celebration. It's about what we celebrate in our lives So when we celebrate our birthday we're celebrating life When you're celebrating an achievement you're still celebrating a thing Yes And so celebrating life when you celebrate your breath when you're celebrating your life force, your energy, your soul, the ability to love, the ability to be kind, the ability to have relational exchanges, like we're having right now.

That's what you celebrate, because if you only celebrate things, now you're waiting for the next thing, and I actually learned that completely from my wife, Rade, whether it was consciously or unconsciously, she didn't even know what she was doing. This was totally all in my own head. But I realized that every time I reached a new external peak

or a new thing, I expected to receive more love from her. I expected that she would think something more cool of me. And the answer was she didn't. She loved me the same. And I would always wonder, why does she not love me for this? How does she not respect me? How does she not feel it differently?

I mean, look what I'm doing. Look what I'm doing. And when I kept working with that thought and I reflect deeply and I love breaking down my own thoughts and figuring it out and I really get stuck in there, I realized that my wife loves me for my life and who I am, not what I do. And so she unintentionally trained me and taught me

to disconnect my value from what I do to who I am, which is what she loves me for. And I realized that that was so much more beautiful and so much more powerful and so much more meaningful to be loved for who I am. Yes. Then what I do and achieve. Yes, and here's now an even bigger thing.

Please. You already do this. But as you're listening to Jay and I, I want you to actually grasp how profound it would be if you could feel that way about yourself. If you could always just look in the mirror and see a human being that's trying, and that's worthy of a high five, and a human being that failed, and okay, we're going to brush it off, and that's worthy of a high five.

Somebody who is running the marathon of life, that you are going to celebrate every step of the way. And, you know, I also want to take this and flip this in the opposite, because I think this is where people really get mucked up This happened in my own marriage and it's only a recent discovery between Chris and I and that is That we had the opposite thing happen Jay So when Chris and his best friend went into the restaurant business and they poured seven years into it and gave it their go and at the end of the day They sold it, you know for pennies on the dollar to

the next investor and they did not return the profit that they had hoped they would return to their investors. Now, what was interesting about watching this all go down is that our best friend who is Chris's partner was able to leave the experience and go, okay, entrepreneurship, I'm so proud of us. We put in so much work, we built something amazing. We had an incredible brand. We were incredible leaders. Did we return the profit? No, but that's not everything in life.

And he moved on. My husband could not. He literally said, because I didn't achieve, because I failed, I am a failure who is not worthy of love and for seven years he has walked into a bathroom with the dust That has said I am a failure And so as you have been looking for why doesn't she love me more Somebody who fails goes How can you still love me?

And it's only until it doesn't matter how much I love the guy, it doesn't matter how much I build him up and you know, I'm so proud of everything that he's done and all the stuff that Chris is doing. And he's had a massive breakthrough in this. And part of it is through the high five habit because of the resistance, but I can't do that. Look at the failure that I've been. If you don't love yourself, you won't allow somebody else to love you.

And so when you can separate what you're doing from your soul and your intention and your spirit and your humanity and you can stand with yourself every morning and that high five doesn't necessarily become celebration, it becomes acceptance and it becomes compassion and it becomes acknowledgement and then it becomes slowly celebration and momentum and forward energy that you need when life drags you down. And so it's really a profound point you just made, that it's only when you love yourself for breathing, for living, for being. Just as you are, that level of acceptance that we so want from everybody else, and I'm

telling you, you have an opportunity to do it for yourself by keeping your promises, by being kind to yourself, by standing before yourself and seeing a human being who needs you and who loves you and who is going to be with you your whole life. I'm Eva Longoria. I'm Maite Gomez-Rajón. We're so excited to introduce you to our new podcast Hungry for History. On every episode, we're exploring some of our favorite dishes, ingredients, beverages from our Mexican culture. We'll share personal memories and family stories, decode culinary customs, and even provide a recipe or two for you to try at home.

Corner flower. Both. Oh, you can't decide. I can't decide. I love both. You know, I'm a flower tortilla flower. Your team flower? I'm team flower. I need a shirt.

Team flower, team core. Join us as we explore surprising and lesser known corners of Latinx culinary history and traditions. I mean, these are these legends, right? Apparently, this guy Juan Mendes, he was making these tacos wrapped in these huge tortilla to keep it warm, and he was transporting them in a burro

hence the name the burritos. Listen to Hungary for history with Ivalongoria and Maite Gomez Rejón as part of the Michael Tura podcast network available on the I Heart Radio app, Apple Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Mungesha Tickler and to be honest, I don't believe in astrology, but from the moment I was born, it's been a part of my life. In India, it's like smoking. You might not smoke, but you're going to get secondhand astrology. And lately, I've been wondering if the universe has been trying to tell me to stop running and

pay attention. Because maybe there is magic in the stars if you're willing to look for it. So I rounded up some friends and we dove in and let me tell you, it got weird fast. Tantric curses, major league baseball teams, cancelled marriages, K-pop! But just when I thought I had a handle on this sweet and curious show about astrology, my whole world can crash down. Situation doesn't look good, there is risk to father. And my whole view on astrology, it changed.

Whether you're a skeptic or a believer, I think your ideas are going to change too. Listen to Skyline Drive and the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Not too long ago, in the heart of the Amazon Rainforest, this explorer stumbled upon something that would change his life. I saw it and I saw, oh wow, this is a very unusual situation. It was cacao. The tree that gives us chocolate.

But this cacao was unlike anything experts had seen or tasted. I've never wanted us to have a gun fight. I mean, you saw the stacks of cash in our office. Chocolate sort of forms this vortex. It sucks you in. It's like I can be the queen of wild chocolate. We're all lost. It was madness.

It was a game changer. People quit their jobs. They left their lives behind so they could search for more of this stuff. I wanted to tell their stories, so I followed them deep into the jungle, and it wasn't always pretty. Basically, this disgruntled guy and his family surrounded the building arm with machetes.

And we've heard all sorts of things, that you know, somebody got shot over this. Sometimes I think, oh, all this for a damn bar of chocolate. Listen to obsessions while chocolate on the I Heart Radio app, Apple podcasts, or wherever you get your podcast. It's beautiful. It's amazing. Just sitting there listening to you talk about that. And when I'm thinking about what you said with Chris, we've recently celebrated your 25th wedding anniversary,

which is incredible. Congratulations. I mean, that's goals like me and my wife, we've married about five together for eight. When I hear your 25, I'm like, share all the wisdom, give it to me. Tell me about what it's been like learning from each other, especially seeing as your job is teaching. It's coaching, it's working with CEOs and organizations and people and of course millions of people online, but you're working with so many companies as well.

How has it been for him and for you to learn from each other? Has that been easy? Has that been harder? When you talk about the seven years and you're saying that broke partly through the high five habit for him, I love hearing that because that makes me go, yes, like not only does this work for everyone,

it works for the people closest to you, which you said so much. Can you tell us a bit about that? Yeah. Well, you know, and also, you know, to Chris's credit, he also got into therapy and, you know, he did the work. He did the work.

And he started a men's retreat to help other men call the soul degree to do the work. And we've done a lot of work together, which I think is really important. It's so important to do work on yourself because it's not your partner's job to make you happy. It's your job to figure out how to bring the happiest and healthiest and kindest you into the relationship.

Because when you can do that, you can build a nurturing crucible if that's even the right word. Is that the right word? I don't even know why. You can build like a pot. That sounds very unglomerious, but we can't pull out. I think the hardest thing, and it took me a long time, was realizing that the most important thing,

in a relationship, if you want it to go the distance, is being kind and actually staying interested in the other person's experience and point of view. Like the challenge of being in a relationship that long as you think you know somebody. Yeah. And the fact is, I don't care how great your relationship is, or how bad it is or whatever, but how great it is in particular. There are parts of the person you're with that you don't know because even they don't know that. Totally. And I don't even think Chris realized the extent to which he was subconsciously pile-driving

himself with his mindset. And it didn't matter that I thought he was the most incredible person in the world or the greatest father or wonderful spouse or the my biggest cheerleader. He didn't feel like those things. And so I would say being kind, listening, and I would say, I would say, I would say, spouse or my biggest cheerleader, he didn't feel like those things. And so I would say being kind, listening, I think also making requests of each other really important. So instead of pointing out what's wrong, think about what you need.

Because even though Chris and I have been together for 27 years now, married 25, I'm still not a mind reader. And when you can make requests about what you need instead of letting it get to you and then acting out, that changes everything. That's incredible. I love hearing that. Thank you for sharing that. Thank you for opening up. I met Chris for the first time, probably about a month ago now. He's wonderful. He's just such a gentleman, so kind, so sweet, so loving, very warm. I mean, we had so many beautiful interactions and conversations while we're in Napa together. And I just love seeing you both continuing to really just show what real strength looks like as a couple.

Well, you know, Jay, I think one of the other things that has been fascinating is you've got to leave room for each other to grow. So we've also gone through tremendous evolutions as a couple where, you know, for a while, we were both working and we were sort of 50, 50 in terms of what we earned and then Chris started to out earn me. And then I kind of took the second role

and then next thing, you know, he's going into entrepreneurship and I'm sort of growing in the corporate market. Next thing you know, we find ourselves financially imploding $800,000 in debt, horrible experience 12 years ago about to lose everything. And what was interesting is it was that crisis that flipped us into the right roles. Chris, as you met, his name is Christopher Robbins. He's like the world's most nurturing man, when he the poo-zoner for crying out loud.

He doesn't care about money and building things and fancy stuff. He would live in a yurt if I would want to. I do not. Do you hear that, Chris? I do not. It was through that that I discovered my own ambition that I actually do care about building things.

I do wanna go out and play that game in business. I freaking love it. It happened at the perfect time because it was at the moment when we had kids in middle school. They needed somebody more nurturing than me to be home. They needed somebody. Our kids have had the greatest gift because they've seen our partnership evolve. They've seen a dad that stayed home for a while. They've seen a mom off in the world building something. And the biggest message is that

you're only going to stay together if you continue to talk. One of the things that our therapist has said to us that I think about all the time. So steal this. It's really easy when you get along to do the logistics and transactions of life. But you can start to find yourself very sequestered from each other, but together and in roles, but never going deeper. And so I think when you notice that either you're not growing or your partner's not growing, that's when it's really important to start turning toward one another. Yeah, that's so true.

That's so true. I've always said, like, for me right now, watching Rady grow is like my favorite thing in the world because she's almost just in the last 18 months really discovered her purpose. She's always been very skilled and talented and had lots of strengths, but it was in this last 18 months that I saw her really embrace herself. High five herself. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She really got to that point where...

She's high five energy. Yeah, high five herself, and to really claim that and own that, and it's the most fun thing seeing your partner find that. And I was like, we're gonna clear up your whole schedule so you can just do that

because I see that that momentum's coming for you. And I think often what it is, and you talk about this, I have a few more questions I want to ask you, but it's this idea of often even in our partners, you talk about jealousy in chapter 8, you talk about a chapter which you call wise life so easy for them and not for me. And I've noticed that this sometimes can even creep. I want to talk about it broadly, but it can also creep into our own marriage in relation

for sure, where people think oh well I did and you know there's there's pros and cons to this so obviously in our life I was the one who built my Purpose in career and Riley was building her skills and her strengths and It's so easy to get caught up in the mindset of well, I didn't have someone who is gonna help me out when I started out because I didn't And you can even have that in your own relationship and it can be so poisonous and toxic in your own relationship, but you also talk about how jealousy can be used as a tool. Oh, yeah.

So I wanted to hear about that because I think we do live in a world today, whether it's in our own relationships, whether it's broadly, we always look, oh, it's easy for them. It's not for me. Oh, everything's working out for them. It's not for me I work even harder than that person does, but they're winning. I'm not I'm more talented and skilled than that person But so when you're feeling how do you use that as a tool? Okay, so I love that you ask this because this is a powerful tool First of all, we all misunderstand jealousy You think jealousy is hatred. That's not what it is all jealousy is desire That's all that it is. And when it starts to bubble up and consume you,

and it used to consume me like crazy, I used to be just like that person that you were talking about, Jay. Jealous of everybody. Jay, I hate Jay. Jay has a podcast. Oh, I hate Jay. Jay's been at this longer than,

look at all those followers that Jay has. Oh, of course, he lives in LA. Of course, he's got a sort of, like, I mean, I could just, woohoo, spin it all. But here's the thing, this is the coolest part about jealousy, you ready? You cannot be jealous of someone or something that you don't truly desire. I'm not the least bit jealous of somebody who has the most extraordinary apartment in

New York City. I don't want to live there. It's not meant for me. Jealousy is a clue. It's a directional signal. It's a dot on the map of your life. And the desire is blocked by fear or comparison or insecurity or stress or whatever. And so when you start to recognize, oh, interesting, there's jealousy. Well, I'm jealous of Jay. He's got this incredible podcast that's reaching millions of people, he's making this huge difference. What is it about that? Is it about Jay?

Yeah, no, but really what it's about is I've been wanting to do a podcast forever. So instead of aiming that jealousy out at the world or at myself, aim it into inspiration, aim it into motivation, recognize and give yourself permission that if you unpack whatever it is that you're jealous of, I'm jealous of their marriage. What is it about it? Is it the fact that they seem to have a date night? Is it the fact that they're really kind to each other? Explore it, lean into it, give yourself permission to have that thing.

And then, get off your ass and go make it happen. That's it because here's the thing. Your jealousy is not going away. And it will either continue to consume you, or you are going to blow the lid off that block desire and you are going to empower yourself to start moving toward what you want. That's how you do it. And again, this high five habit is so important because if you stand in front of the mirror and go, I'm too late, I'd just be a copycat.

All these people see, you dumb, like this is what the beat done is. If you go, no, you high five yourself, you're like, I see you. You are a little bit later than everybody else. Great. They're guideposts on the map of your life. Yeah. All these people are your co-creators. Everybody you're jealous of is literally somebody that is running point for you. Tony. But you haven't allowed yourself the permission to unpack it and actually question and go on an inquiry that's so rewarding of, well, wow, what is

really calling me about this? Yeah. I think that's so true. And I love seeing jealousy that way. And you said something there was really important that I want people to catch on if they didn't is jealousy is a tool when you're self aware. Like you are self aware. I don't want an apartment in New York.

Hence, if someone has a stunning apartment in New York, I don't feel jealous. But a lot of us, our jealousy is just scattered because we don't know what we want or what our dream truly is. So then everyone's dream feels exciting and better than ours. And that's why I think what you said is so true

when people actually can develop a little bit of self awareness of what is my genuine dream because I remember I talk a lot about like when you don't find your purpose, you jealous of everyone. And when you know your purpose, then you become jealous in your space of your purpose. And at least it narrows it down. But it's like when you don't know it's like,

I can look at a singer and be like, oh, I wish I could sing like, oh, I should have had that. Or if I'm a, and I know I can't sing to save my life. So when I have that self awareness, I can detach. Okay, don't need to be jealous of Justin Bieber. I'm not just a Bieber, that's okay. Right. Right.

Or like, Cristiano Ronaldo, I love soccer. I adore soccer, but I was never good enough to play soccer in a, for the Premier League club or whatever. So I can let go of that. And that's where I think self awareness is so important. It is. Because otherwise, jealousy will just drive you crazy. And I think that's where it starts. That jealousy can be a tool when you actually know yourself. Well, and jealousy, let's take this

step further. Actually, it can help you know yourself. Yeah. Because I think what Justin Bieber and, you know, the soccer player have in common is they are living full out. Yes. Their life force is on display. Yes. That's what you're attracted to. Yes. Their life force is on display. Yes. That's what you're attracted to. Yes. And so if you were to even take all your scattered jealousy and sit with a cup of amazing tea and calm yourself down and, you know, like we haven't even talked about high-fiving

your heart, which is a way to flip your nervous system into a calm state and map it all out and be like, Oh, interesting. All these people that I'm jealous of that I follow online, that I obsess over, that I like their posts, it's their life force. It's their artistry. It's the obsession with an artist. Yes, and so there is a common theme there and it can help you gain the self-awareness.

Absolutely, I wanna ask you one last question before we get to final five. This is about a chapter that you call, how about I start tomorrow? And I love this because I think so many people will be listening to this and be like, okay, tomorrow I'm gonna start doing this. And that's, we all know that, okay, next Monday,

okay, no, 2022. I'm gonna read this book January 2022, right? People, we start thinking like that. Tell us about how that mindset doesn't help us. Oh, do it tomorrow? Are you kidding? So first of all, motivation is complete garbage. Everybody's sitting around waiting to feel like a J

and this is a recipe for never seeing your dreams come true and dying with a lot of regret. Thank you very much. Welcome to my TED Talk. This has been very inspiring. Now seriously, I want you to understand that you will never feel ready to do things that scare you. You will never feel ready to jump off the cliff.

You will never feel ready to take that leap. And the reason why is based on science and research. Your brain is designed to protect you and change requires risk. And so you are protecting yourself The reason why is based on science and research, your brain is designed to protect you and change requires risk. And so you are protecting yourself by saying maybe tomorrow. This is where the five-second rule comes in super handy. So if you are constantly procrastinating, you probably have a bias towards thinking.

And you can use the five-second rule to literally push yourself to take action. All you're going to do is count backwards, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. That's it. I know it's as dumb as the high five. It's as simple as the high five. It has profound research behind it because what you're doing when you start counting backwards and you have to count backwards, it does not work if you count up. Doesn't work because counting backwards, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 requires you to focus.

When you focus, you flip the switch and your prefrontal cortex turns on. This is a starting ritual that interrupts the patterns of overthinking, a fear of anxiety, a procrastination of comparison that are making you go at tomorrow, not today. I don't feel like it. 54321, your prefrontal cortex turns on. That's the part of the brain you need to either learn new behavior or take action that's inspired. So now when you get to one you got a shot at doing something different, so move. And here's the real secret to this. The second you started counting, you actually made a decision to change. So the counting is the Trojan horse to the bigger thing you're avoiding. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 launches you through the resistance. And it pushes you into action.

That's the only way you're going to change. Sitting there listening to us, lightning is not going to strike you on the couch. J and I are not going to show up and kick you or drag you out of your house and make you on that run. If you want to change your life, you must make a decision to change your life. And you know, I'm going to say something that I really hope happens from you listening

to J&I today. I think it's very easy to sit in this moment in your life and to look back at your life and to see how everything that's ever happened to you positive and negative is a dot on the map of your life that has led you here. True power is knowing that this moment right here is also a dot on your map, and that this moment too is connecting you. Forward on the map of your life towards something extraordinary that hasn't happened yet. And you can either sit here and listen to this and let this dot come and go. Or you can wake the heck up and realize at some point, the map takes you to a final destination.

And we don't know when that is. But if you want to change your life, you got to make a decision to change your life and sitting around and waiting to feel ready is not the decision I want you to make. So when you're done listening to this, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, I want you to turn toward that thing that you've always dreamt of, that you've been waiting to do and you go, and you move toward the thing that is meant for you, because that's the only way you're going to get there. The one and early Mel Robbins everyone, the high five habit, Mel we end every episode with the final five, which suits you perfectly. The five

second rule and the high five value. It's like we planned it. And this is our fast five. So every question has to be answered in one word to one sentence. Oh, okay. So I give one. Yep. Yep. Yeah. Okay. So the first question is, what is the best advice you've ever received? Never leave a bathroom without high fiveing yourself in a mirror. I love it. All right. question number two. What is the worst advice you've ever received? Someone else can make you happy. Absolutely. They can make you a cup of coffee.

Yeah. They can't make you happy. A lot of people hear that. It's very true. I didn't get to ask you this probably, but I want to hear about it. Tell us about high-fiving, uh-huh, hand on your heart. Oh, this is incredible. So this comes from research from Dr. Judy Willis. And this is why this is so important. Right now, I think everybody's nervous system

is in a state or fight or flight. If you feel constantly exhausted, stressed out, you can't focus. You're on edge, you're waiting for the other shoot to drop, and honestly, what we've just lived through, the human body is not built to sustain that level of uncertainty for that amount of time. So what you're going to do to high five your heart is we're going to teach you how to

flip off your fight or flight nervous system and flip on your parasympathetic calm, cool nervous system. And so here's how you do it. It's very simple. You're going to take your hands and push them on the center of your chest and you're going to take a deep breath, blow it out. And then you're going to repeat these three sentences. I'm okay. I'm okay. I'm safe. I'm safe. I'm loved. I'm loved. And some mornings, you might need to do it 53 times. What's happening?

And what do you feel, Jay, when you do that? I feel, I mean, on a physical level, I feel like my heart rate's slowing down. I feel like my body's become more relaxed. In an emotional or mental capacity, I just feel a sense of more stonest, a sense of more clarity and certainty. Exactly. What you're doing on a scientific level is you're tapping into a treasure in your body called the Vegas Nerve. Now you talk about this all the time. It runs from your seat

to the top of your head through every major organ, through your vocal cords. There are lots of ways you can strengthen the Vegas Nerve. It is the on-off switch between your stressed out nervous system and your cool grounded one. And so every morning, I want you to high-five your heart. I want you to take a deep breath and start your day by saying, I am okay, I'm safe and I'm loved. And repeat it and repeat it and repeat it until you feel yourself come back into your body. You feel the stress level decrease. And the fact of the matter is, if you can hear yourself even thinking those three sentences, it's true. We had a woman who wrote to us

from a homeless or a domestic violence shelter. And she said that she's had tremendous childhood abuse. She's just escaped a very abusive relationship. She's lost everything. She said, for five days, she's been waking up and high-fiving her heart, telling herself that I'm okay, I'm safe, I'm loved. She's been starting her day with a high-five in the mirror, and she said, after just five days, I realize I have a very long road ahead of me. But now I know, at least I still have myself. Wow. That's incredible. It's absolutely beautiful. It's funny because when I was reading about it in the book, I didn't realize it. So I have a habit of that's probably one of my

go-to hand gestures in my day-to-day life. And I do it usually when someone thanks me. So if I bump into someone on the street and they're like, I jail is in the podcast, I really love it. I'll always say thank you so much. Like that's a very natural thing. You do do that. It's my natural thing. So when I read about it, I was like,

I didn't know about it, I do it because it's just a natural thing for me. But I literally, I don't know, I'd be like, thank you so much. That means the world to me. I'm so grateful for that. Like that's, and I do that all the time. It's like my go-to hand gesture,

not that I've trained it or thought of it, subconsciously been what I've done. And now that I know that it does that, I'm like, wow, like, it's incredible to think that some of these things actually happen quite subconsciously and naturally. So anyway, that was something I had to ask about. Okay. Question number four, how would you define your current purpose? Question number four, how would you define your current purpose? Oh, it's cracking the wall of darkness that people live in and letting a little light in. And the fifth and final question, if you could create one rule, or law, or habit, that everyone in the world had to follow, what would it be?

I'm not sure. It would definitely be because of the impact of my life. Never leave a bathroom without high-fiving the human being you see in the mirror. I love that. I'm going to be doing it every day this week. And forever, I'm going to hope that it continues to last and last and last as I have it. But I'm so grateful to you, Mel. We could talk for hours. There's so much more in this book to unpack. And I want every single person who's been listening or watching this podcast to go and grab a copy

of the High Five habit, take control of your life with one simple habit. As Mel has talked about this podcast, there are way more than one habit inside this book. It's not just one habit. There are so many beautiful gems. And I always believe when you deeply study a habit, it becomes easier to implement it.

You can hear about something or read about an article or hear that little nugget of wisdom, but if you study a habit, the implementation is that much deeper. Melt, you have a high five challenge. Yes, Jay, and you're partnering with me on it. Yes, yes, Jay's gonna do it. So it's a five day challenge to help you break through.

And wipe away the dust on or the mud, in my case, with the elbow grease on the mirror. And it's five days of literally teaching and tools. And here's the best part, a massive global community that's going to be high-fiving you back. It's free. Come play with us, come be with us. Let us give you the lift that you need right now because you not only need it, you deserve it. That's amazing. Thank you. Everyone who's been listening and watching, I want to make sure that you tag me and Mel on Instagram with all the reflections, all the insights, anything that Mel said that

resonated with you. Please tag Mel and I on Instagram on Twitter, on Facebook, whatever platform you're on. We love seeing what resonated with you, what connected with you. And don't forget, you can help someone else with this by just passing it on. Just simply sharing it is you taking part in impacting the world and improving the world around you, share it with your mother, your father, a sister, a friend, a partner, or your children. It could be an amazing habit to them, for them to train just starting right now. Imagine they had this since they were five or six or seven or ten.

It could be amazing to see where it goes for them. So please do not deprive anyone of the growth that's possible for them by resisting pressing share or passing this along to a friend. Mel, thank you so much again for making the effort to be with us physically, for writing this beautiful book, for showing up in the way that you do and sharing your energy. And I'm so grateful that we got to, I'm doing it now. So grateful that we got to spend this time together. And I am so excited for this to get out into the world. I can't believe the impact it's already had and the impact that it's going to have.

So as Brendan would say, I sent something amazing about to happen. Oh, thank you. So, thank you. And thank you for being one of those people ahead of me that I used to be jealous of. But I now see is a light on the path. Thank you. And thank you for being one of those people ahead of me that I used to be jealous of. But I now see is a light on the path. I love you. I love you.

It is such a joy to watch you live your purpose and light the way for so many of us. I am honored to be your friend and to walk beside you and celebrate you every step of the way. Jason. Hi, I love it. I love it. And it's actually totally the opposite way around. I made, I made a really important decision about a company that I worked with based on you. Oh, is it? I go, run, I have a great one.

And so, and so we could talk about, but there was the admiration was very mutual. I was, I, I loved what was happening in your world and your career and I made decisions based on that. So awesome. Just wanted you to know that. Thank you. Thank you. If you want even more videos just like this one,

make sure you subscribe and click on the boxes over here. I'm also excited to let you know that you can now get my book Think Like A Monk from ThinkLikeAMoncbook.com. Check below in the description to make sure you order today. What if you could tell the whole truth about your life, including all those tender and visible things we don't usually talk about?

I'm Megan Devine, host of the podcast, it's okay that you're not okay. Look, everyone's at least a little bit not okay these days. And all those things we don't usually talk about, maybe we should. This season I'm joined by stellar guests like Abbermote, Rachel Cargol, and so many more. It's okay that you're not okay. New episodes each and every Monday, available on the iHeartRadio app, or wherever you listen to podcasts. I'm Danny Shapiro, host of Family Secrets. It's hard to believe we're entering our eighth season, and yet we're constantly discovering new secrets.

The variety of them continues to be astonishing. I can't wait to share ten incredible stories with you, stories of tenacity, resilience, and the profoundly necessary excavation of long-held family secrets. Listen to season eight of Family Secrets on the I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Conquer your New Year's resolution

to be more productive with the Before Breakfast Podcast. In each bite-sized daily episode, time management and productivity expert, Laura Vandercam, teaches you how to make the most of your time, both at work and at home. These are the practical suggestions you need to get more done with your day. Just as lifting weights keeps our bodies strong as we age, learning new skills is the mental equivalent of pumping iron.

Listen to Before Breakfast on the I Heart Radio app or wherever you get your podcasts. you