On Purpose with Jay Shetty - Taylor Tomlinson ON: The Quarter-Life Crisis & How to Let Go of Toxic Relationships

Episode Date: May 23, 2022

Do you want to meditate daily with me? Go to go.calm.com/onpurpose to get 40% off a Calm Premium Membership. Experience the Daily Jay. Only on CalmJay Shetty talks to Taylor Tomlinson about why sometimes it’s okay to shift your focus on something else. Dropping out of college doesn’t really mean you’re wasting your time away. In some cases, people have found success and multiple achievements after they decided to pursue something else. These pivotal moments come and go in the most unexpected ways so we all need to learn how to spot them and seize the opportunity right away.Taylor Tomlinson began performing comedy when she was 16, after her father signed her up for a stand-up class. She became a top 10 finalist on the 9th season of NBC's Last Comic Standing in 2015 and was named one of the top 10 comics to watch by Variety at the 2019 Just For Laughs festival. Her first Netflix standup special, Quarter-Life Crisis, premiered in March, 2020. In 2021, she started her own podcast called Sad in the City and in the same year she was placed on the Forbes' 30 Under 30 list. Now her second standup special, Look at You, is now streaming on Netflix.Want to be a Jay Shetty Certified Life Coach? Get the Digital Guide and Workbook from Jay Shetty https://jayshettypurpose.com/fb-getting-started-as-a-life-coach-podcast/What We Discuss:00:00 Intro05:03 Why did he sign you up for a standup class?10:34 Performing on stage is still terrifying18:20 Dropping out of college25:41 It’s really about being confident31:33 Everything happened for a reason40:51 On relationships and working through the issues45:02 That guy who actually cheated50:28 Spend as much time as you need to know yourself01:00:07 The time that people spend alone as adults 01:04:53 Getting this moment of peace after performing on stage01:11:22 Being open about your mental health 01:17:02 Taylor on Final FiveEpisode ResourcesTaylor Tomlinson | InstagramTaylor Tomlinson | FacebookTaylor Tomlinson | TikTokTaylor Tomlinson | WebsiteTaylor Tomlinson | NetflixSad in the CitySee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

I'm Jay Shetty and on my podcast on purpose, I've had the honor to sit down with some of the most incredible hearts and minds on the planet. Oprah, Kobe Bryant, Kevin Hart, Louis Hamilton, and many, many more. On this podcast, you get to hear the raw real-life stories behind their journeys and the tools they used, the books they read, and the people that made a difference in their lives so that they can make a difference in hours. Listen to on purpose with Jay Shetty on the I Heart Radio app Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. Join the journey soon. What do a flirtatious gambling double agent in World War Two? An opera singer who burned down an honorary to kidnap her lover.

And a pirate queen who walked free with all of her spoils, haven't comment. They're all real women who were left out of your history books. You can hear these stories and more on the Womanica podcast. Check it out on the I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen. What if you could tell the whole truth about your life, including all those tender invisible things we don't usually talk about?

I'm Megan Devine. Host of the podcast, it's okay that you're not okay. Look, everyone's at least a little bit not okay these days, and all those things we don't usually talk about, maybe we should. This season, I'm joined by Stellar, Gas like Abormatte, Rachel Cargol, and so many more. It's okay that you're not okay. New episodes each and every Monday, available on the iHeartRadio app,

or wherever you listen to podcasts. My grandma will say things like, your mom would have thought this was so cool, your mom would have been like in the front row. And I go, I don't know that I'd be doing this. If mom was still here, I don't know. It's so strange to be sad That a parent isn't here to see your success, but also know that a big reason you're successful is this drive to become somebody they

would have been proud of. Hey everyone, welcome back to on Purpose, the number one health podcast in the world, thanks to each and every single one of you that come back every week to listen, learn and grow. Now you know that I get to sit down with a lot of exciting, interesting, fascinating people, but sometimes there's someone that I reach out to that I'm just a huge fan of. And actually it was my dear friend Adam Grant who gave me an excuse to reach out to this individual with an opportunity that he had for her which I even forgot what it was and he's been an amazing guest on the podcast too. It's giving me an excuse to DM her and say, Hey Taylor, would you like to do this thing? Which is my way of sneaking in and saying, Hey, can you come on the podcast too? I've been a huge

fan of today's guest since her special, her Instagram, her social media, her TikTok's incredible. I have sent her videos to my wife, my family, my friends, my trainer this morning. I mean, she's one of those people that as soon as I watch her, I start laughing, I learn something new, and I just feel

an incredible sense of joy, and in the few moments that she's walked into my home and into our studio, I love her even more. I'm speaking about the one and only Taylor Tomlinson, who began performing comedy when she was 16 after a father signed her up for a stand-up class. She became a top 10 finalist on the ninth season of NBC's last comic standing in 2015 and was named one of the top 10 comics to watch by Variety at the 2019 Just For Life's Festival. Her first Netflix stand-up special, which is where I discovered her, Quarter Life Crisis,

premiered in March 2020. In 2021, she started her own podcast called Sad in the City. And in the same year, she was placed on the Forbes 30 under 30 list. Now, her second standup special, Look at You, is now streaming on Netflix. I want you to go and watch it straight after this. And she will be at the LA Netflix comedy festival show at the ACE Theatre on May 6th, 2022. So make sure you grab some

tickets. Welcome to the show, Taylor, Tomlinson. Taylor, thank you so much. Thank you so much. We were just talking about this before we started recording, but I was like, what am I doing here? Like, truly, your podcast is just full of so many interesting, wise people teaching you how to live a better life. And so to come in as a standup comedian, and you're like, I can't wait to learn. Thanks for me. I'm like, yeah, absolutely.

I have so much to teach. I'm coming into this fully hoping to, I almost brought an notebook to take notes. Because that's why I feel every time I listen to your podcast or watch any of your TikToks, like I am still thinking about the video where you talk about checking your phone first thing in the morning where you're like, you wouldn't just have a hundred people come into your bedroom and I'm like, oh my God, that's exactly what you're doing every morning and I'm still

terrible at it. I do it every morning but every time I do it, I think about you telling me not to. Yeah, well, I genuinely feel that not only do I laugh at everything you put out. I mean, I can name my top three favorite moments in your special easily. I think for me, I also learn from you

because I think what you do so phenomenally well, especially when it comes to loving relationships, but also life, is you're able to get inside people's minds as to how they think about situations and how they navigate relationships and how they make certain decisions in their life. And so I do think you teach. I'm not expecting you to teach. I want to laugh with you today. I want to get to know you better. This was just an excuse for me to be a fan and for me to hang out with someone that I admire and adore so much.

And genuinely, from even the few moments we've spent, I'm just so happy meeting you. And I hope this kicks off a wonderful friendship. So that's kind of why I do this whole podcast. It's just, I love that. It's to be able to lure people into being friends with me. But I'm so excited. I want to start by talking about a lot of your journey,

because I think I discovered you, like I said, through your first special, you've been doing this for a lot longer than that, and then I kind of went backwards, and I was like, oh, wait a minute, this person's incredible, and it's such a fascinating story. And I am interested in stories,

because what we were just talking about now, that sometimes when you see someone, second Netflix special, sold out tours, like you look at that person and you go, oh yeah, they've always been that way. And when I look at you, I go, wait a minute, your father signed you up for a stand-up class. Why did he do that? That sounds like a painful thing for a father to do. I think a woman at our church wanted to do it and she told him about it.

And then he brought me along thinking I could write for him maybe. Like he was like more of a performer. So I'm very glad he did, you know, for whatever reason. And yet it is a very strange thing because I didn't get into this Super intentionally like it was something I sort of fell into as a result of just this one woman going I think I'm gonna take the stand-up class because she was like a retired school teacher and did some public speaking events and Wanted to inject some humor into it. So it's funny how something as small as that, like an after-service

conversation, just snowballed into my entire life, my entire career. And you and I were talking earlier about just you being very young as well and you being so successful in what you do and how it seems like, you know, maybe you've only been doing this for five years online, and you're like, but I've been doing this. There are 17 years before that that I was teaching and interviewing and learning, and I've had all these life experiences. And I think a lot of people look at my career, similarly sometimes where they go, well, you blew up very quickly, or you got all these opportunities very quickly.

And I think I feel very self-conscious about that sometimes because 28 is very lucky and young to have two Netflix specials. It was not something I ever anticipated achieving at this age. I've just been very fortunate. But then I think back to when I actually started and I'm like, oh, I've been doing this for 12 years. So, okay, it's not like I just started yesterday, but I think when you are younger than what people expect from someone doing

what you do, there can sometimes be a little bit of like, oh, well, it's just been easy for you. You just did it. Yeah, and it, but I also find it, it's quite an untraditional journey, and it's so funny because we shared that. My parents forced me to go to a public speaking class and drama class when I was 11 years old because they thought I was too shy. Wow. And I didn't have any confidence. And so my parents signed me up to Landa, which is the London Academy of Music Drama and Arts, and they said,

they forced the school to allow me in because they missed the sign-up date or something like that, and they're like Begged and Pleaded with one of the teachers saying, we really need our son to do this because he's shy and he doesn't have confidence. And now I look back and I think, wow, my parents made this amazing decision, just like you said, that has impacted my whole life. And now I look back and I think, wow, my parents made this amazing decision, just like you said, that has impacted my whole life. And I think I wouldn't have had that opportunity if I didn't do that.

But even for you, it's an after-sum and after-service conversation. Like that sounds very untraditional, at least for my external ignorance. Oh, absolutely. It's the thing people ask about the most because it's not an origin story I Think many stand-up comedians have and if they do have it they are generally still in the church world because there is a

There is a comedy church circuit. That's amazing I mean, yeah, it's it's a different. it's a different path that I did not choose to go down. But yeah, I mean, it's, there are so many different ways to do stand-up professionally. I think that's what we forget. I also had a year in my early 20s where I did like eight cruise ship weeks, which is a whole other thing, and there are comedians who only do that. Like, I feel like I've been very fortunate in my career that I have experienced kind of a lot of different pockets of this industry that is more than just getting the Netflix special,

getting the HBO special. I've done corporates and I've done colleges. That's how I went full-time initially when I was 21 or 20 is I was doing all these college gigs. It's why I've dropped out of college to go perform at colleges, which is sort of funny. And cruise ships and churches. Yeah, I mean, I've kind of done everything you could do and then also all the bars and and strange shows you do in back and whatnot. So, yeah, it's, there's a lot of different places to exist and and do what you love to do. It's not just this one path that you see on TV or in movies or documentaries. So I think that's important for people to know as well who want to do something

creative, whatever that may be, that it can look like a lot of different things. Yeah, definitely. And I think obviously you know on this podcast that we try and get into the psychology and mindset and the way people make shifts and what I find fascinating about standard comedy and what you do is that it really requires you to overcome some base fears. is that it really requires you to overcome some base fears. Like the fears of what will people think? How will I look? How will I be received? These are huge fears.

And personally, I think stand-up comics face one of the hardest things because it's like you're introducing, this person is going to make you laugh. And this person is funny. And then it's like, the expectation is so much higher. Talk to me about that first time or maybe something you learned in that stand-up class that started to be, that you started to be okay with that fear and dealing with that,

or did you never feel that fear at all? Oh, I was terrified. I mean, do you feel like you were shy? Yeah. Was I, like, definitely, massively? Very shy. How long did it take for you to sort of feel like you weren't, or do you still feel on a base level your shy

and you've just figured out how to not act that way? Yeah, I find that. So, from 11 to 18, I went to public speaking drama school and those years gave me the skills, but I didn't have anything I was passionate to talk about until I lived as a monk, and until I understood the wisdom, the Vedas that I studied, and now I share.

So to me, it was almost like you have a toolkit, but I never used it because I still didn't feel confident. I actually got confidence because of what I was sharing. I have so much more faith and confidence in the ideas I share than I do even in myself. And I think that's what gives me so much excitement and enthusiasm. But having said that now, I would say that even today,

I feel really confident when I'm one on one with someone and when we both know what role we play. But if I turn up to a random event, that isn't my event, that is someone else's event, I will just try and find one person that I can have a really deep intimate conversation with, as opposed to go up to everyone and introduce myself and make sure that everyone knows I came to them.

I'm not like that because I feel more comfortable getting to know someone deeply. So I would still consider myself, if it's my event, I'm not shy, because I know what role I play there, and I'm doing something, but I would say I'm shy when I'm at an event where I don't have a role. Does that make sense? Yeah, absolutely. So I think that I think that is on a base level. I'm an introvert and

I'm shy. I feel the exact same way. And I felt like that for years. And I still feel that way. I have, I think, a lot of social anxiety. I think that when I started doing stand-up, I always liked performing, but I once I found stand-up, I was like, oh, this is where I feel the best is on stage doing this thing. This is where I feel like myself. And actually, when I first started doing stand standup, I felt like the version of myself that I was on stage was who I wanted to be in life all the time. But I couldn't because I was too shy and I didn't have the confidence. And then at a certain point, it became more true to who I was out in the world. And now I'm at this weird place where I'm like,

is that even me, is that the purest version of me, is that the most sort of polished version of me, like it's very strange to be in this business and see so many videos of yourself and so many photos of yourself. And it can feel very like dysmorphic where you're like, who am I? Is that? Who is that?

That's not me, especially when you're, you are achieving these goals you've always had. Like, you know, when I got on Conan or something, like I was like, I'm in the thing I've been watching for years since I was a kid and it's sort of the strange out of body experience, but I was terrified of performing when I first started doing stand-up. I mean, I felt sick, like physically sick for days before I went on stage. How did you push through that? Like how did you get through that?

I just loved it so much that I just wanted to do it more than I was scared to do it, which is sort of how you have to be if you are somebody who's not naturally extroverted or what have you. And I think really what helped is once I graduated high school and was doing stand-up consistently in San Diego, once you're doing multiple spots a night, it takes less pressure off of it, and you don't have as much time to be nervous. Yeah, that's a good point. Because I'm sure you feel the same way where you're like, I do a podcast every other day,

like I'm not going to get nervous to meet somebody new again. It's a muscle, it's really just a muscle. And if I don't go on stage for a few weeks, which doesn't really happen, like when we had lockdown, and I didn't go on stage for five, six months, the first time back on stage, even for a Zoom audience was terrifying.

Yes, yes. Like it'll come rushing right back. It's not like I'm like, oh, I'll just go on stage. And I get nervous to do spots in town. I get nervous to try new stuff. I mean, I'm so lucky to be on this tour where people have paid money to see me specifically. Because for years, it wasn't like that.

For years, it was people got free tickets or they got barked into a club in a mall and they were like, yeah, we'll go see comedy and maybe it's not what I want, but we'll check it out. We'll give it a chance. Obviously, all of that makes it a little easier to go out on stage and know you have that grace period at the very least. But I think just the consistency and knowing that you can do the job That's where you get the confidence and like you said you have more confidence in what you're saying when I was first starting out I was a teenager. I didn't feel like I could talk about anything with any sort of

Yeah, wisdom or experience Yeah, I and then I started talking about the fact that I had no wisdom or experience. And that's what Quarter Life Crisis is. Yes. Because I was like, what am I going to talk about? How about the fact that I don't know anything? And so many people came up to me after shows going, oh my gosh, this is exactly how I feel. I don't know what I'm doing. I hate being this age.

It's so confusing. Because I had always just assumed everyone's having a great time and their 20s everybody's killing it And I didn't ever traditional college experience because I dropped out to do stand-up So I didn't feel like I was doing my youth correctly Yeah, and so to start talking about that on stage thinking it was like a new angle And then to have everyone go oh we feel the exact same way. Even like people who looked like Dave weren't killing it in that area where I'm like, you look like you go out on the weekends and everything's awesome for you. Yeah.

Was really validating for me and the same with the new special look at you. I mean, so much of it is about my own struggles with mental health and finding out that I was bipolar and all these different things and losing my mom at a young age and getting the feedback from people that they relate to it or they've dealt with similar things if not the same things. In a selfish way, it makes you feel better about it and it makes you feel more confident in talking about your own experiences because, you know, with the internet, you can find your audience now. Maybe not everybody relates to what you're talking about or wants to hear you talk about something,

but the people who do really appreciate it and really do connect with it. And so that's how I try to, right now, as I just try to write about things that I want to talk about or I want to hear about and and find other people to relate to me about. Yeah, I love that you're especially what's called quarter life crisis because even in the work I do, I find that that is such a key pillar of a lot of people I connect with. So they come into you to laugh and I understand and feel heard and and resonated and a lot of people were saying me, well, Jay, I'm stuck with where

I am or I don't like my career. What was that transition like of saying, I'm okay with not going down the right correct path of staying at college, completing, but I'm actually going to go and do off do something that I enjoy and love. Like, what was that transition like for you? Was it one welcomed by yourself and the people around you with excitement and joy? Or was it surrounded with worry and anxiety and a sense of, oh, this is gonna be tough,

or I'm actually scared about this? I think when I left college, I had booked enough work that like I would have never just quit college to see, you know, like I had enough work booked. I physically couldn't go to college anymore because at the time the school I was at didn't have enough like online options. So I just I just couldn't and I had already taken a semester off to audition for all these colleges. There's something called NACA where you essentially audition for a bunch of college bookers.

And so I had booked like 50 colleges in the winter and spring. And I was like, oh, I'm gonna be gone for like three weeks at a time, performing at these schools, mostly on the East Coast. So I can't. And I think I just told myself, well, you can go back.

You can go back. And I told myself that for years. I told myself that until I got the first Netflix special. Once I got the first Netflix special, I was like, I think I don't have to go back to school. And then the pandemic hit, and I was like, maybe I do. So I really wasn't like all in. Like I was like, I held on to that because I was, I was a good

student. I really thought that I was going to college. I was going to finish like a lot of it was tied up in like being a good kid, I suppose. So that wasn't something that I made a hard decision on. It was something that I sort of over time accepted as long as everything was going well in my career. What was harder honestly was just moving away from being a clean comedian and and that transition from I never performed in churches exclusively and I didn't want to perform in churches exclusively or even mostly, but to move away from being somebody that could and was this like squeaky clean act that, you know, your family isn't embarrassed to watch or anything, was was really difficult and that took a couple years as well because

there's a lot of internalized shame that comes with that and feeling like you're not good enough for the world you grew up in, but then also being too, feeling too inexperienced for this rock and roll standup world. Cause it's, I don't drink and I don't really, I didn't really do any drugs. Like I was just wasn't fun. So it's like, so you're not going to be clean and respectable, but you're also not going to party. Like, which is again, a huge part of quarter life is I was like, what am I doing? What am I doing? Because I'm, I'm boring enough to be someone who should be married right now, but I'm not.

Where's my person? It's a strange time in your life. And I've had friends tell me that somewhat harshly where they were like, hey, I know you're complaining about whatever relationship not working out romantically. But your career is going really well, and you are in your 20s, and people have this idea like everything's supposed to line up by whatever age they choose as the end goal. And I was certainly guilty of that, and I've had friends very bluntly say like,

hey, maybe just be happy with one area of your life going great and trust that the other areas are going to catch up or focus on the other areas instead of this one that you've been pouring all of your energy into. That is probably the most real answer I've heard to that question. I really appreciate it because, and that is such great advice even though you didn't know you were giving me advice because when you started to talk about how when you made that shift you always knew you could go back and that the next stage was developed instead of just throwing yourself into it. And I think there's such healthy concepts. I mean I even say to my point at this even at the stage of my life, as soon as we're like, I can always go back to the corporate world if I need to,

to pay the bills. Like just because, and it's not, I'm actually not joking about that at all, I genuinely say that because it gives me the freedom to not live in a what if world of, well, what if this doesn't work and what if this allows me to let go of that and say, I would have an amazing life because I'm so fortunate to have had a great education that would have got me a particular job and a job that I had, or for you to say, hey, you know what, even beyond all this, I could go back to college and study again and I had a friend recently and I'm encouraging a lot of my friends who are in that quarter life crisis where they're stuck in jobs they don't love, or they worked really hard for a career but it

isn't what they wanted to do truly in their heart. They did it out of society pressure, family pressure, whatever it may have been. And a lot of them are now making pivots. So one of them's at film school in LA, one of them went on to actually become a stress coach for his own industry of law. And they're making these pivots like potentially some of them between 25 to 30 some of them 30 to 35 and it's fascinating seeing their journeys because it's exactly like what you're saying They're like, oh, but I can go back if I need to and going backwards isn't as Taboo as we make it out to be like we make it seem like if you're not moving forwards your life's falling apart It's like, well, no, sometimes you have to go go backwards to renavigate and reconfigure.

And so I love that answer. And even more so, what I really appreciated about what you said towards the end there, is the idea that when you're feeling accelerated progress in one area of your life, we've also been somewhat trained to believe that everything should move at the same time and that your relationship and your career and this. And it's shocking to me how much we have in common despite being very different people.

So when you talked about switching and I want to talk about that more, for me when I left being a monk, which I lived as for three years, is a fully ordained monk, most of it in India, and living a very different life to the life I live today. When I first left, I'd so much shame and guilt about how I wanted to share what I'd learned, because I wanted to share it in a non-sectarian and a universal way, and I wanted to share it with anyone and everyone without anyone feeling any pressure that they had to have a spiritual or religious belief to connect with my work. And that came with certain levels of criticism or judgment too because it's like, well, wait a minute. You were a fully ordained

monk who has studied these 5,000 year old literatures and scriptures and texts, but wait a minute. you're not sharing those. Like, how does that fit? And I know it's different, but there's that. Similarly, I wonder, how did you get over that shame and get over, because I feel like that can be so restricting, and I even know people in my own community who would feel restricted by their judgment.

How did you receive that? How did you have the confidence again to break through that? And so, well, this is still something I really want to do, despite all of this. Yeah, I mean, that is so interesting that you drew that comparison. Because yeah, TikTok is about as far away

from being a monk as you can get. Literally. It's so interesting to me that, I mean, what a perfect example you are of a huge pivot, but still it's all connected and it's all leading to the next thing. Anyway, to your question, how did I get past all of that? I have a lot of therapy, I suppose.

I mean, when we were talking about, you can always go back to what you were doing before. I think what you said was so great. I mean, yeah, I do think people see it as giving up. But actually, it's really confidence. It's you saying, I'm confident enough that if this doesn't work out, I'll make it work. And if that means doing what I was doing before, that's fine. I have a good friend, Delaney Fisher, who I used to do self-helpless with. She said to me when I was, I think, moving in with somebody,

she had given a few of our friends this advice where she was like, you can always move out. Like, you can always, it's okay if things don't work out. And I think we totally forget about that. As far as moving past, you'll shame of it, I will say there is no like, I can always go back to the church market. Like that was not something I ever felt. Because that's a decision you make. And I felt very good about that decision,

but that is a small pool of comedians who can do that. And it is in some ways easier to achieve a certain level of financial success in that area. There's a ceiling on it because, you know, it's a certain community, but I just knew that I wanted to talk about more difficult subjects. And yeah, I wanted to do jokes about sex. Like, I wanted to talk about whatever I wanted to talk about. the the expectations are so rigid in in church comedy in any sort of church situation

because they just want you to be what they expect you to be all the time. It's not enough to just come in and be a clean comedian for an hour. They want you to be a Christian all the time. They want you to be a role model and a perfect public figure. And I would open for people and they would get emails from someone going, why saw her do a set somewhere and she said, damn. And I was like, I cannot stay here. This is not sustainable. Even if I try to be perfect, I'm gonna slip up.

Yeah. And I don't wanna feel like this or something. And I wasn't sure that I believed in Christianity. I just didn't, I had felt that way since I was a kid. My mom passed away when I was eight. And as soon as she did, something kind of shifted in me where I realized nobody knew for sure. My family's very religious,

and a lot of people I grew up around, and I love my family, I have very open-minded, extended family, but a lot of people I grew up around act as if they know for sure what happens, what the answers are as far as religion goes. And I just realized, like, oh, nobody really knows. And while I feel very open to the possibility of something else, something greater, I know that even if I devote my entire life to it, I will never figure out exactly what it is.

For sure. And so that always rubbed me the wrong way and I didn't like the way that it can be used to judge and manipulate people. And I just, I just wasn't what they wanted. And I started to feel like I was lying to anybody who hired me in that space. So at a certain point, I, I got taken off of a show for something I tweeted that had like in you window in it. And I just told my manager, I was like, if we get any offers for churches, I can't do it.

And then they sent me a few more, like, it's this much money do you wanna do it? And I was like, I can't, it's all or nothing with them. And that's fine. They can make those demands for whoever they want. Those people exist. Those people absolutely exist. My friend Dustin Nicherson, who goes on the road with me, is very clean and can perform

literally anywhere. And that's who should be doing certain gigs that I'm not right for. I mean, you don't have to be right for every single thing. Yes. It's okay if you're not right for a certain role. How's that New Year's resolution coming along? You know, the one you made about paying off your pesky credit card debt and finally starting

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I saw it and I saw, oh wow, this is a very unusual situation. It was cacao. The tree that gives us chocolate. But this cacao was unlike anything experts had seen or tasted. I've never wanted us to have a gun bite. I mean, you saw the stacks of cash in our office. Chocolate sort of forms this vortex. It sucks you in.

It's like I can be the queen of wild chocolate. We're all lost. It was madness. It was a game changer. People quit their jobs. They left their lives behind, so they could search for more of this stuff. I wanted to tell their stories,

so I followed them deep into the jungle, and it wasn't always pretty. Basically, this like disgruntled guy and his family surrounded the building armed with machetes. And we've heard all sorts of things that you know, somebody got shot over this. Sometimes I think, oh, all these for a damn bar of chocolate. Listen to obsessions, wild chocolate, on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcast. sessions, wild chocolate on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcast. Hey, it's Debbie Brown, and my podcast deeply well is a soft place to land on your wellness

journey. I hold conscious conversations with leaders and radical healers and wellness and mental health around topics that are meant to expand and support you on your journey. From guided meditations to deep conversations with some of the world's most gifted experts in self-care, trauma, psychology, spirituality, astrology, and even intimacy. Here is where you'll pick up the tools to live as your highest self. Make better choices, heal, and have more joy. My work is rooted in advanced meditation,

metaphysics, spiritual psychology, energy healing, and trauma-informed practices. I believe that the more we heal and grow within ourselves, the more we are able to bring our creativity to life. And live our purpose, which leads to community impact and higher consciousness for all beings. Deeply well, with Debbie Brown Brown is your soft place to land, to work on yourself without judgment, to heal, to learn, to grow, to become who you deserve to be.

Deeply well is available now on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you listen to podcasts. Big love. Namaste. Yeah, definitely. I think that's great advice and it gives you such a, again, freedom to recognize there is an audience for what you want to do. It does exist. It may be smaller, it may be larger, it may be different, it may be here, but there is one. You touched on there and you mentioned it earlier, obviously, like losing your mother at eight is old and I, you know, I can't begin to imagine or understand what that feels

like as an experience. You said that that was one of the things it opened up. What else was there that that opened up for you? It sounds like you've spent a long time with therapy and reflection and being on a journey with that. What would you feel comfortable sharing with us that opened up for you? Oh, I mean, I talk about it a lot in the new special. It's, it is such a, it's the most important thing that happened to me, you know, not the best thing that ever happened to me, but it's,

if it's the worst thing that ever happened to me, and it's hard to, I don't know who I would have been if that didn't happen. Like, I don't think I would have been the same person. I mean, I have, I had a conversation with my therapist the other day where I was like, it's so funny because my aunt or my grandma will say things like, your mom would have thought this was so cool, your mom would have been like in the front row. And I go, I don't know that I'd be doing this if mom was still here.

Like what I have, I certainly wouldn't have lived where I lived because my dad got remarried and that's why we lived there. And that's why I took that class is because we were in that area where that woman suggested it. So who knows, maybe I would have found it,

but also maybe I would have written children's books, which is what I wanted to do when I was younger. So I don't know. It's so strange to be sad that a parent isn't here to see your success, but also know that a big reason you're successful is this drive to become somebody they would have been proud of or like, it's weird. I'm chasing the approval of a ghost in a way, but then when you achieve those things, there's a sadness to all of it because you go, oh, this doesn't really fill that whole, I guess.

But I do think it certainly, it made a lot of things much more difficult, and I'm sure it made me shire, and I'm sure it made me very, very anxious. And it burst that bubble. A lot of kids have, maybe not kids now, because they live through a pandemic, but a lot of kids have where you think you're invincible and nothing bad's gonna happen to you. And when something like that happens, you're really young, you're like, okay.

Yeah, so at any moment, the piano could fall on my head or someone else's head that I love. So that so that's sort of when I like started having really bad nightmares Which I still have and it It it definitely affected me in so many ways, but the positive ways that affected me is I think it made me I Think it made me more empathetic. I think it Made me a hard worker. I think it made me more empathetic. I think it made me a hard worker. I think when something tragic happens to you as a child,

you sort of retreat into your imagination because you have to, which I'm sure made me more creative because living in my head was better than living out in the world where my mom was dead. So yeah, I think as I've gotten older I Have learned to find the positive aspects of that loss That exists alongside the really difficult things about it. Thank you so much for sharing that by the way You know, I find it so

It's so incredible to hear just the journey you've been on and from that experience. And to me, it's not about the positive or the negative or how it feels. It's just interesting to hear you think about it openly. And I can hear just how much work that's taken and what that process looks like. And I really appreciate you sharing that with us. Like genuinely, it's so inspiring and it's hope giving. And I know that, you know, there'll be countless people who are listening right now

who just feel so connected to that. So thank you so much for going there and sharing that. Oh, thank you. Yeah. I think when I was growing up, it was so hard to tell other people. But again, it feels like such an important thing to know about you. But it made other people uncomfortable who hadn't experienced death or loss.

So then you're like, do I just tell them my parents are separated? Do I just kind of skirt around the issue? And it took years of like almost like rehearsing with new people, how to, how to give them that information in a, in a palatable way. Yeah, exactly. No, it's such an important part of the story to understand someone and to be able to receive them and connect with them properly. No, I'm so grateful you spoke about it. I want to go in another totally very different direction now, but only because you said something earlier, I'm trying to bring it back. We're talking about love and relationships and even that relationship with your mother and with your parents is so important in how it impacts your relationships moving forward. One of your favorite clips that I love is where you

talk about, I believe it's the boyfriend who cheated on you in your head. And that clip to me, I've sent that clip to more people than I could possibly imagine. And I have a funny story to tell that I don't think I've ever shared publicly but I have to share it with you. So I've had a very clear value around cheating my whole life, that if someone wants to cheat on me, or if I was to cheat on someone, I don't think I'm personally,

it's not that I don't believe I'm capable, I don't feel enthusiastic about trying to continue on that path because to me it's such a big core value of who I am. Again, I don't project down to anyone. I wouldn't judge anyone for staying with someone or breaking up. It's everyone's personal choice. That's where my personal choice stands. My wife knows that and we've had this conversation.

We've been together now nearly 10 years and married for six. And so we've known this for a long time. And so me and my wife do this thing, what we used to do before the pandemic, we haven't done it since, but we used to do this thing with every 30 days, we would drive somewhere three hours from where we live and stay somewhere like an Airbnb or wherever we can for three days, we'd lock our phones in a safe

and we'd just spend time together. Because we found that every week we got so busy and I have a crazy schedule and so does she. And so like on a week night, it's like, you're not really getting that deep into my connection. And then the weekend comes and maybe you see friends and maybe you see family or whatever. And time just flies and then all of a sudden

you've been married for 10 years or longer and you're like, do I even know this person that well? And I saw that in the people I coached, I saw that in the people I worked with and I was like, okay, well, what's a habit? I love coming up with like these, and I love numbers. And so I was like, 30 days, three hours, three days. And so we're on this one of these journeys and we're driving off three hours and we're listening to music and this may surprise people, but we're listening to future, the rapper,

right? It's me and my wife, I'm sitting, listening to music, we're listening to future, the rapper for whatever reason. I've no idea. I do not know him, I've never met him. We're listening to future on the way. We get to the hotel that we're staying at and then we maybe watch the movie and went to bed and I wake up in the morning

and I've had this dream that my wife is having futures baby. And she's in the shower. I can hear her that she's in the shower in the hotel room. And I wake up and it feels real. So I wake up and there's no part of me that is cognizant that that was a dream. I am fully in the reality that my wife, rather this beautiful, abundant human being, has had an affair with future of all people and now she's pregnant with future's baby. And I woke up with this brick on my heart.

Like that's how it felt. A genuine felt like this massive brick on my heart. It was weighing me down. And in my head, I said, I'm gonna take care of that baby like it's mine. Like I was just like, I just have to, I was just like, I love my wife so much. Like I love her so, and it was so weird because I have this value. And then when you think that this thing's happened,

all of a sudden, not that value's gone out of the window, but that my love and my connection and attachment to my wife was stronger. And she, the hotel room had one of those, like, you know, those window doors that open into the, from the shower bathroom into like the bedroom area. Yeah.

So she opened, she looked to me, she was like, are you okay? And I was like, oh, I just had a dream that you were having futures baby. And she just passed out laughing at me. She was just cracking up. And I've never told that story anywhere else apart from now, apart from to friends and stuff. But it's fascinating to me how interesting it is that we can have these views on love, we can have these perceptions of love. And then when you get into a relationship

how these perceptions can change, how other people's music, thoughts, ideas, infiltrate our mind and dreams and messages and all of that, I wonder for you what have been some of the would you say misconceptions and love that you think you had growing up that had been broken down or that through your comedy that you've learned or maybe you've heard an amazing story from a fan at an event that has sparked some thoughts but I'm always fascinated by things that we believe to be true about love. But as we grow older, we go, oh, they're not the truth. Does that make sense? Yeah, absolutely.

It's so funny. You say that I have a friend who's been in a relationship for, I believe, seven years now and is like my oldest friend. And I had asked her a similar question. I don't remember when, but I had asked her, what would you do if your partner cheated on you? And she was like, honestly, at this point, I love him so much, I trust him so much,

I would probably go to therapy and figure out why it happens. And I was like, oh, but you wouldn't just leave. And she was like, no, she's like not at at this point. Like, we've just been through so much together. I would, there, she's like, I know him so well. If he did that, I would know there was a reason. Yes. And we would need to figure out that reason. That's beautiful. Oh my gosh. And I was like, oh, okay. So we're all mature now. Like, I think I thought, well, my friends in this relationship, that relationship, they don't fight. Or this would never happen in so-and-so's relationship.

And then as I've gotten older and I've dated more people, I've spoken to friends of mine and said, like, well, this happened. And they go, oh, we dealt with that. Like we had the same thing, or my partner did something like that or I did something like that and it took a while for us to unlearn it and get through it and that's I think the hardest thing about dating in your 20s and honestly into your 30s now as people are getting married later, it's so hard to know what is like a deal breaker. Yes. And what is something that you can work through. And I think the thing I've learned from friends of mine and truly talking to audience members because I do ask people who have been married a long time for advice and most of the time

they're like, we don't have any move on. We just didn't leave. We know that. But so many people, it just seems like find somebody that they love so much. They're like, well, I'm gonna make it work with you. Yes. And whatever things I had in my brain of,

if this happens, I'm gone, if this happens, I'll never get over it. Once you find somebody that you love and respect so much, and you've been through enough with them, if you trust somebody, and I feel this way with friends of mine, I should say that because I don't have that marriage or partnership that I can point to in my own life. But I have several friends who I've had for a very long time, who are there for me so consistently, that when

they hurt me or disappoint me, it is over very quickly. Because I'm like your family and you have been there for me so many times hurting me once is not going to phase me. Whereas if somebody that I didn't trust as much or hadn't been there for me for as long or as deeply did the exact same thing, we would not have a relationship anymore. We would be acquaintances now. So it is so dependent on the relationship you have with the other person. Yeah, yeah, yeah, definitely. And that's what I mean that for me, it just, you know, it ultimately, it's knowing your value within having compassion for other people's values.

Because I think it's so easy to project your own ideas of what someone should do and how they should react and what's a good boundary for themselves and then almost going, well, wait a minute, like, I'm just gonna have compassion and empathy for that person's decision and their relationship with that person. But when you look for, I'm just gonna have compassion and empathy for that person's decision and their relationship with that person. When you look for, I'm interested by dating and relationships a lot myself because it's

a part of my work, it's part of my coaching. As you know, it's part of what I think about, what have been the funniest, most interesting date situations you've been in or ones that have given you hope or ones that have broken your hope or anything that you feel to share. Well, it's so funny you bring up that joke from Quarter Life because I love that. It's so funny because in the new special, I have a joke about an ex cheating on me

and it's that guy that I talk about where I go, well, he never cheated on. I say, I do that joke, I'm gonna say, he cheated on me in my head. I go, no, he never cheated on me, but he did this thing. That guy did cheat on me and he told. And I go, no, he never cheated on me, but he did this thing. That guy did cheat on me, and he told me after,

I filmed that special. Yes, he finally told me, and it was like, obviously years later, but like, he and I had dated on and off for years, and he had sworn up and down, that he never cheated on me, and really made me feel crazy, and to his credit apologized very late.

But really like sent me this long apology where I was like, I was gaslighting you, like, I really a beautiful, I almost made it my iPhone background. It's all you want is just, I was wrong and I gaslighted you and I'm like, yes. Yeah, send it out as a template for every news. But also really messed with my head because I'd been in therapy going,

you know, I always was so suspicious of this guy and he never did anything and I just created it in my head. So for them later, for him later to be like, no, I was and you were right and I'm sorry. I just pay for my therapy bill for the last 12 months. I know, right? But also I got so many jokes out of the relationship. I really can't.

I really can't be mad. It's paying the bills. It really is paying the bills. I have no regrets. But after he, you know, it's funny in terms of like, I thought that if somebody cheated on me, I would hate them and never speak to them again. And especially in that way, which was pretty messed up. But there's obviously more to the story circumstantially that contextualized it for me. But if you had just told me 10 years ago,

like, this is what's going to happen with this person, I would have been like, well, I'm going to hate them forever. And once he told me that that's what happened, and I did know him so well, and I knew what he was going through and what he was dealing with, I think it actually improved not our relationship because we don't really have a relationship, but improved our feelings about each other in a, you know, just an existing in the world as memories to one another. Like I wasn't angry at him anymore because I finally knew for sure and it does take a lot to admit to somebody that you did that. Yeah, and you can judge however long it took or the way in which it was said or whatever you want, but at the end of the day, I was like, you know what, this is somebody who is really important to me and really encouraged me in my career and really yes hurt me in some pretty deep ways but

also made me better. And I felt like I was able to sort of put that chapter of my life to bed and really care about him as a human being. And I just lived longer and I had made my own mistakes and other relationships. And obviously I made my own mistakes in that relationship with him that were not okay. So I think time, age, compassion and empathy comes with all of that.

I had this really strange vision while you were saying all this deep profound stuff. I was like, how amazing would it be to see you making this joke next to this clip of you talking right now? I know. And I'm just like literally, I'm like, Taylor, you're this mature, amazing individual. And when I see you on stage, you're like this, you know, you're like picking fights for everyone. I know. I love it. And I love that. I love that paradox too. Like I love that you're able to speak so lightly of so many of these things. And of course, you know, make so many millions of people laugh.

But at the same time, when I'm getting to know you today, it's fascinating to hear just how much thought and maturity and work and reflection, because what you just said is so massively evolved. I mean, look, I wouldn't have raised futures, baby. I'm like, you're okay over there. Literally, that was like the only thing I said, oh my god, I literally felt that.

Like, it was, I felt it in my gut because, yeah, because I was like, my wife's baby, I love it so much. Like, it was just, yeah, it was just one of those moments, but I'm glad it's not true, of course. Did you see the video on TikTok that went viral about that girl being walked down the aisle by her stepdad? No.

It was the exact same thing. She was like, my mom had an affair and got pregnant with me and my stepdad raised me and he is my dad. Oh wow. Oh wow. And this is him walkingamy down the aisle. Yeah, I know which are what you're waiting for.

Yeah. Oh, it's just, yeah. And that's the kind of, that's the real life version, right? You can have all these ideas and thoughts in your head and make all these commitments to yourself and then it happens and then, yeah. You change. No, I love that.

I think if Taylor Thompson had any dating relationship, advice, mistakes, thoughts, what would they be right now? Oh, my advice is to not listen to stand-up comedians for relationship advice. My advice is to listen to your podcast and follow whatever you and your wife are doing. I don't know. I'm currently in this place in my life where I'm sort of coming to and I'd like to talk about this on stage in the the new hour I'm working on is I have I have been in sort of like back-to-back relationships throughout my entire adult life in a way that I don't think is particularly healthy. And I have had friends, I have a new joke in the hour about, you know, a lot of my friends

were like, you should maybe be single for a bit and maybe get a cat or something. And I was like, hard-past cats don't make me feel good about myself. But I am reaching a point now where I'm like, okay, we've put off doing this work on being alone for a long time. And I think you need to do it now. And it is so difficult because I, I'm not, I'm not a casual person. I'm much like you where if I'm at an event I want to talk a casual person. I'm much like you where if I'm at an event, I wanna talk to one person.

So I'm not like that in any of my relationships, friendships or otherwise. So I'm generally in a relationship if I'm dating. I'm not like a casual date or I don't have that in me. But as a result, I'm always getting into these year to two year things. And I've also just been so focused on my career. So anytime something wasn't working out or I was having problems with somebody,

I was like, well, I can always focus on my career. And that's fine. And focus on the next relationship. And now I've reached this level that I truly always dreamed of. Like doing a theater tour and having specials on effort. That is all I have ever wanted. And if nothing else happened from here on out,

that is, this is more than I could have ever wanted. And if nothing else happened from here on out, that is, this is more than I could have ever dreamed of. And so now I'm like, maybe it's time to get some hobbies. Maybe it's time, maybe it's time to work on who you are as a person. Like, you're very good at comedy. Maybe get good at, I don't know, forgiveness. Like maybe you just work on that. So I think, you know, what's that quote, the people say like you have to be somebody that you would want to be with forever? Like I do think that I have had moments of that over the years,

but I'd like to really, I'd like to really focus on that. And I, I don't agree with the statement a lot of people make, which is you have to be totally okay by yourself before you get into relationship. I know so many people who got into a relationship three days after they ended one and they've been together for 10 years. I know so many people who got into relationship when they were really not in a good place financially, spiritually, whatever. And now they've been together for 20 years. I think it is so case by case, but I do think that if you can show up for yourself

and take care of yourself, you are going to show up for and take care of someone else. Yes. Much better and not put so much on them to take care of you. And I would like to, I think before I get into a relationship again, which I don't know when I'm going to be comfortable doing that, I would like to feel like I am someone who brings a lot to the table. Not just in a purely

superficial way of like look how much I've achieved. My career is going well, which for a long time I think on some unconscious level I thought that if I achieved all of my career goals I would be proving to someone whoever it was that I was like worth loving, like I was worth being with. And then you achieve all those things and you reach that place and you're like, oh, this didn't do it. That's not what it's about. So I'm really trying to focus on that right now.

I'm trying to focus on who I am as opposed to what I've done, because that has not been my approach the last 10 years to my life. And to go back to my mom dying young, I mean, I talk about that in the special as well, is like, I had this irrational belief that I was going to die at 34 because that's when she died. And it's very common. A lot of people have it when they lose their parents, even if their parents are, you know, 55 when they, when they pass, they get nervous coming up to that age. And then if you, I've heard if you get to that age and you surpass it, you, you actually

feel sort of guilty, you have like survivors guilt. So I have that to look forward to. But I think that was not just affecting my career goals, it was affecting my personal goals as well, where I thought I only have this amount of time, not even from a fertility standpoint, from just a, this is when I'm going to die, that I have to rush everything, and I have to become this ideal person. And that's not how you become your highest self as it turns out. A good way to learn about a place

is to talk to the people that live there. There's just this sexy vibe, a Montreal, this pulse, this energy. What was seen as a a very snotty city. People call it Bois Angeles. New Orleans is a town that never forgets its pay. A great way to get to know a place is to get invited to a dinner party. Hi, I'm Brendan Francis Newdum and not lost as my new travel podcast where a friend and I go places, see the sights, and try to finagle our way into a dinner party. We're kind of trying to get invited to a dinner party.

It doesn't always work out. I would love that, but I have like a Chihuahua who is aggressive towards strangers. I love the dogs. We learn about the places we're visiting, yes, but we also learn about ourselves. I don't spend as much time thinking about how I'm going to die alone when I'm traveling.

But I get to travel with someone I love. Oh, see, I love you too. And also, we get to eat as much as we can. And every sincere I love you too. My ex a lot of therapy goes behind that. You're so white, I love it. Listen to Not Lost on the iHeart Radio App or wherever you get your podcasts. In the 1680s, a feisty opera singer burned down a nunnery and stole away with her secret lover. In 1810, a pirate queen negotiated her cruiseway to total freedom, with all their loot.

During World War II, a flirtatious gambling double agent helped keep D-Day a secret from the Germans. What do these stories have in common? They're all about real women who were left out of your history books. from the Germans. What are these stories having common? They're all about real women who were left out of your history books. If you're tired of missing out, check out the Womanica podcast, a daily women's history

podcast highlighting women you may not have heard of, but definitely should know about. I'm your host, Jenny Kaplan, and for me, diving into these stories is the best part of my day. I learned something new about women from around the world and leave feeling amazed, inspired, and sometimes shocked. Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Danny Shapiro, host of Family Secrets. It's hard to believe we're entering our eighth season,

and yet we're constantly discovering new secrets. The depths of them, the variety of them, continues to be astonishing. I can't wait to share 10 incredible stories with you, stories of tenacity, resilience, and the profoundly necessary excavation of long-held family secrets. When I realized this is not just happening to me, this is who and what I am. I needed her to help me. Something was annoying at me that I couldn't put my finger on, that I just felt somehow that there was a piece missing.

Why not restart? Look at all the things that were going wrong. I hope you'll join me and my extraordinary guests for this new season of Family Secrets. Listen to season 8 of Family Secrets on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Yeah, I mean, you know, when you said that, I'm like listening to you today going, I think Taylor, you really do know who you are. And there's so much, you know, there has been so much investment in that part of yourself. Yes, there's been, of course, amazing acceleration in your career. But from the little time we've spent together today, I'm hearing so much self awareness and you know, so much great introspection and so much amazing energy around

that. So thank you. I'm rambling. No, you're not. This is good. No, no, no, no, you're not rambling at all. I mean, I'm also reflecting back on what you just said and it gives me great reassurance in hearing that because something I ask a lot of clients to do in the relationship space is I asked them to write down the amount of days in their adult life or years in their adult life that they've spent Single versus they've spent in relationships. And when you look at those two numbers next to each other I know people that are 55 who will say that the amount of time they've spent in their adult life Of course because we all know one's dating when they're born right well, maybe not right so I'm like yeah Of course, because we all know one's dating when they're born, right? Well, maybe not.

Right. So I'm like, yeah. But the idea that in their adult life, even people who are 55, 60 years, 55 is probably where people that I've spoken to, they would say that they've spent six months alone, max, in their whole adult life, as in single, without being in some sort of relationship. And when you hear that, and when I started to think about it, for me, those three years living as a monk are being single, of course, but I look back at those. And I think, wow, those were like really important, informative years in my relationship with myself. And I fully agree with you too that that never stops or is never complete.

So it's not like check did that. Now I'm ready for a relationship. I have completed level one of life, but I've started level one of life. And I think that's, you know, going back to your point that you're not going to fully love yourself and be good alone before you can be in a relationship, but you've started that journey to some degree. And ultimately, all that does is it removes certain obstacles. Right? So someone could definitely go from one relationship to another and they could be together. It's just we would remove certain obstacles

if both people had done a little bit of self work. And that's all it is. But it's never that yes, you come to a relationship as this perfectly complete person. That is just a romantic view of what it looks like. And I saw that with me and my wife, like, you know, when we met and we fell in love as well, and you know, falling in love is not a logical, you know, you're not planning it all out and you're not logically going through the steps. There's attraction and then there's affection and then all of a sudden there's attachment and you're like, okay, I think I love this person. And then now I'm like, wow,

I think sometimes when I proposed to my wife, I didn't really know her compared to the person I know today. I'm like, I didn't know her. And I think the problem becomes when we think we know before and then we stop trying to know. And so you kind of go, yeah, I know who my partner is, we got married and then it's like, but I've never tried to get to know them again. And for me, it's been the other way around. We're like, yeah, we dated and we were together for four years before we got married to plenty of time.

But I'd say I've learned more in the last six of being married than I ever did in the first four. So the knowing of that person was far more important than the belief that I already knew them. Right. Well, on your both changing all the time. All the time. That's the thing when people are like, well, they're not who I married.

It's like, of course not. Of course not. Yeah. Of course not. You're not who they're married, right? Yeah. You're like me talking like I know. I'm like, the marriage is like this.

Uh, yeah. I think that I, it's interesting what you said about the time that people spend actually alone as adults, because I've spoken to friends of mine who have gotten out of really long relationships, like that's such a common thing that I've never experienced where, you know, somebody was with somebody for the bulk of their young adulthood, like maybe someone was with someone for eight years and they're 20s and then they break up, which seems so devastating.

Because I've never been in something that long that ended or people get divorced after however many years. And those friends realizing, oh, I never lived alone. Like I've never lived alone and I'm in my 30s now and I'm sort of in a similar place where I'm kind of like surprised

How much I'm appreciating it right now like I'm really I'm I'm really like every night. I'm like oh, I can just do Whatever I want and I love being in a. And I love being in a relationship. I love being in a relationship. I love the people I've been in relationships with. I love hanging out with someone. I love having that person to talk to and share with. And because you really do just become best friends with that person.

Yes, yes. But I have spent very little time just with myself and I really have spent years like dreading it. I can't imagine just coming home at night or going back to the hotel after shows because that's very lonely and just like being by myself and not having someone to call, not having someone to watch a movie with. And now I'm like, oh, this is actually kind of peaceful. I was so scared to not have someone else to count on, but I still have me to count on. Yes.

Yeah. And when we don't have that, those are the triggers that come out. I mean, even in marriage, right now, I won't have seen my wife for the first four months of this. Yeah. She's in London working on stuff. I'm in LA. She can't be in seen my wife for the first four months of this year. She's in London working on stuff. I'm in LA.

She can't be in LA right now for the work. She's doing an icon being London. And so I'd say in our marriage, we've spent probably before pandemic, we spent completely together, which was wonderful. We loved it. It was actually great for us. But before that, I would say that we've spent at least three to six months a part a year because of work on and off, not always in one go.

This time it's been in one go. And I miss her. I cannot wait for her to come back. Like I feel like I have to throw her a party when she comes back because I miss her so much. But at the same time, I'm also really happy because she's been able to focus. And I've been able to focus.

And we've had this moment to like really go all in on our careers again. And then to come back again and be like really go all in on our careers again and then to come back again and be together and go all in on that. And it's just, I think it's so healthy because marriage will also demand separation, especially with careers that we have where you can be on tour again and you know, or and you're in a relationship. And so that aspect of coming home alone is such a hell even now.

Like I've, I mean, we were together every day for two years, you're in the pandemic, and now we've been apart for four months. It took days to get used to the fact that I didn't have someone's head on my chest going to sleep, like, just that process of like, wow, like, I was like, I need to get a weighted blanket or I need to put that brick back on my heart or something like to feel like that weight.

And we're still true. Yeah, yeah, exactly, yeah, because it was just not, it was so strange because of habit, of course. And the habit with that. But you raised something really interesting. And I've actually not had the fortune yet to go on tour. I do a lot of events speaking, but I haven't been able to go on tour because I was meant to when my book came out in 2020 and then I didn't. And but I do remember starkly and I work with a lot of musicians and artists who perform

to many, many people on stage. And they always told me about that lonely journey home. And I've had very few experiences of it, but when I have, it really did hit me that when you have an audience of people that are fully immersed in everything you're saying and showing you so much love and showing you so much energy and you dropped every joke right and everything fell and everyone's just in place and you have this meat and green and everyone just showers you with more love and tells you how much they connected and then you get into that car ride back home alone. It's a really really strange feeling right and

you you bring it up then that's why I remember that. And I remember I got home and my wife had thrown me a party with all our closest friends as a surprise for when I got home and I didn't even know. But it was really fascinating. I remember that drive. I was at the ace. I performed at the ace, which was the only show I've ever done, which was my own show. And then when I drove home alone in just a hired car, it was really interesting to see that settle down and be happy with myself in that moment. Telt walk us through how it's felt for you because I do think that when we live in a

world where you're showered with validation and attention to then leave it. Well, hopefully. Hopefully. Yeah, hopefully. But when you're showered with that genuine love from a lot, I know that my community, I feel so much genuine love from them. But when you go home, you've got to have that relationship with yourself. Can you just walk us through that a bit?

I want to hear about it from your thoughts. Oh man, I mean, in terms of like being on the road and going back to a hotel room. Just that knownly, I feel like that is such a unique experience because not everyone performs on stage and not everyone. It's like going home from a party is one thing, but going home from a party that was you on stage and everyone. It's just really, and I'm always fascinated about hearing about that lonely journey for artists on the way home.

Yeah, there is sort of like a physical, at least for me, I feel like there's a heavy sort of like, after I get off stage. And now on this, you know, this tour, I'm usually doing like a meet and greet afterward. And so that's sort of like a little extension of the show is how it feels because you're, you are meeting people face to face and taking pictures and sometimes hearing very personal things from them. I guess it depends because some days are very hectic where you're just traveling all day and then you have to go on stage and you're kind of like just frantic, this frantic energy all day and so when you hit like 10 p.m. and you're back in a car in a hotel room, it's so nice to just finally be still and quiet and not have anybody looking at you. You know, like, oh, everyone was looking at me for a long time. I mean, I have really strange moments where I almost feel like I'm like outside of my body on

stage where sometimes I'm like, I'm everyone. There's 1500 people here just sitting quietly, looking at me while I talk like do you have that everywhere you're just and you're just in sort of you kind of go into almost like autopilot yeah while you just sort of watch your hands move yeah and gesture to ideas you have and it's it's so I'm so incredibly grateful for it. I can't imagine. I couldn't have imagined that I don't know. I'm obviously at the last words, but it's such a strange feeling to have all of that love and validation coming at you, as you said. And then just be back to being you. Yeah.

Because that's a version of you. Yeah. But it's not, it's not that it's not you. Correct. When people say, like, well, that's not who you really are, that's not, I'm like, no, that is who I really am. But it's a piece of me. So well said, yeah. Yeah, it's a mode I go into.

Yes, yes, yes. So it's not that like, well, they like me, but in my darker moments, I've talked about this in therapy, I go sometimes I feel like people only like me for this like trick I can do. And she goes, but it's not really a trick. It's a skill you have. Yeah.

It's a job you do. And so that makes me feel better, but sometimes I feel so like, you know, because nobody knows you really. Yeah. Like, they think they know you, especially like doing a podcast like this, I'm sure your listeners feel like they just know who you are. But nobody actually does. I mean, it's a strange, lonely space that's hard to explain. Yeah, to people.

No, I thought that was a good explanation. And yeah, I think I was looking into this. I was like, I love building new friendships, and new connections, and deepening relationships. And I really enjoyed that. And even as I get older, because I find that a lot of the friends I grew up with, life changes and you move on and I've moved city twice. I lived in New York.

I now live in LA. I lived in India for a time. So my life's been very fragmented. And so I've had to rebuild community and family wherever I've landed. And so I really valued that as something I try and invest in, especially when I think about one day having children and wanting them to have other children to play with and people's homes to go to and things like that. I think there's an issue when you say,

this is me or this isn't me. So it's like when you say this person on stage or this person who plays on the field or on the court, that's me, that's me. That's all of me. Or the opposite where we go, that's not the real me. This is the real me when I'm on my couch and I'm in sweats and you put it perfectly. You said, no, both of me. And that's just reality. Like, if I'm am I silly and goofy with Rady, my wife, yeah, I am. But I'm I also really thoughtful and intentional and focused in my meditation. Yes, I am.

And do I love being on stage? Yes, I do. Do I love business and strategy and growth? Yes. Do I love being a monk and being really simple and minimalist? Yes. I love all of those things. And yes, they're paradoxes and oxymorons and contradictions.

But I've learned as time's gone on to stop trying to force myself to choose one and accept all parts of myself. And that has been the most freeing, the most authentic version I can find when I'm not forcing myself to live one truth and accept that I'm just made of a bunch of them. And that's okay. Like I don't have to live a certain way or act a certain way to fall because I don't feel happy there. If I was forced to either be one or the other, I think I'd be really sad. And I consider myself to be quite a joyful content individual. And I would

say that's because I've allowed myself to be okay with the paradoxes within me. If that makes sense. And even with you, like, when I'm listening to you, I'm going, there's a paradox right here where it's like, a lot of people talk about how stand-up comedians use comedy to heal and cope and deal with things. I think that's been like a long-term myth that kind of gets thrown around probably a bit too much without ever asking people in the industry.

And then when I look at you, I'm like, but here's someone who's doing therapy and work that kind of gets thrown around probably a bit too much without ever asking people in the industry. And then when I look at you, I'm like, but here's someone who's doing therapy and work behind the scenes and like, think about it. And then the comedy is more expressed through that learning as well and all of that with that. How do you find that? As you mentioned earlier,

obviously in the new special you speak about bipolar and you speak about mental health, a lot more in your work. But you've been doing mental health work. So I'm, so at least, and I don't wanna assume anything I'm asking, it sounds like comedy to you is not an outlet or a healing tool or a,

or a expressive tool. I guess it's more of an expression tool than it is a healing tool. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, sorry if I'm messing up the question, but. No, no, no, no, no, I think, what's funny is I think maybe I used to think it was a healing tool. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sorry if I'm messing up the question, but no, no, not at all. I think what's funny is I think maybe I used to think it was a healing tool, not in that this is where I talk about it, but I think I thought that if I could make fun of something or turn something into a joke, then that would be the same as me getting over it.

Like that's dealt with because it's a joke now. I turned this into my career. This is turned into something that's going to make me money. Now, it's not a bad thing that happened to me. It is an experience that I turned into something that other people enjoy. I think in that way, I thought I was doing. But in going to therapy consistently and seeing both a therapist and a psychiatrist and and recognizing that just because you know something about yourself doesn't mean you've dealt with it. Yeah. Completely. Like I was

dealt with it completely. Like I was so upset when I figured out that knowing something logically did not mean that it was healed. I was like, well, if I just untangle it, I'll be great now, but it's all that stuff about trauma living in your body. And when I was like, you, but I know what this is.

I know this is a traumatic response to X, Y, and Z that happened to me. Why am I still feeling the brick on my chest? Because it's more than just something you intellectualize. It is a physical, emotional, emotional, spiritual thing that you have to work through and spend a lot of time working through. Not just figuring it out and going, awesome, so that's done. Check the box. So I think that, especially with this special, at first I wasn't going to do any jokes about some of the aspects of my mental health journey in the last couple years. And then, I think my brain just works this way, where I just kind of think in jokes. So as soon as I started thinking of jokes, I was like, maybe I should try these.

No, I was like, I won't do them, but I'll try them. And then once I started doing jokes about it, I started getting messages from people who were like, oh my gosh, I just got diagnosed with this or I've been trying to get on antidepressants or I've been feeling this way or you really encouraged me to go back to therapy. And I was like, okay, then maybe we can just do it. But I was really nervous before the special came out. I was like, did I share too much? Did I put too much

out there? But my therapist was like, you are doing the work. That's what I'm seeing. Yeah. So I think as long as you're doing the work, it's not going to be fixed by you posting about it on social media or even talking to friends about it like you're good like you are going to have to do that work. privately so i think. i think that's the only way that i've i've been able to. talk about it in in my material and i wish i was more of like a. i don't know just generally observational comedian but i'm not i draw from my own life and I write about stuff I'm going through because again, I'm insecure about talking about things I have

no experience with. So that's just kind of how I come at it and the sort of the sort of writer I am, I suppose. Where it comes out great, I love it. And I love what you said there. Like when you said I think in jokes, I get that because you think in jokes, I think in quotes, I get that because you think in jokes, I think in quotes and it makes sense.

Like whenever I hear something, I'm like, okay, how do I turn that into something really memorable and simple that I will keep in my brain that allows me to use it as a tool later on. And that's kind of how I think. And then I think, okay, well, how do I find a quote or hear a quote or share a quote with my audience so that they can remember it

so that that clarifies an idea for them as well. And so it makes sense because you're like, okay, well, how do I make it funny so that it can remember it, so that that clarifies an idea for them as well. And so it makes sense, because you're like, I'll give you a hug, how do I make it funny, so that it's memorable from it, so that you remember, they remember it,

so that feels very real. I get that, that's how you try and, it's almost like, that's how you try and capture an idea, so that it sticks and stays and become some of that people can share. But Taylor,

you've been so generous and kind of a dear time. It's been such a joy getting to know you today. Honestly, it really has. Oh, this was so nice. This is not like most podcasts, I try to leave a cushion afterward to sort of recover as an introvert where you're like, okay, I gotta, and this was just like refreshing.

And this was like really just felt like hanging out with someone I wanted to hang out with. Oh, thank you. I feel like invigorated after this. This is so nice. Oh, wow, that means the world to me. Thank you so much. No, genuinely, like, as I said, I've been such a huge fan for such a long time. And to get to know you today is just, it's even better than I thought it was going to

be because I feel like I already had high expectations. And that's what I'm saying that you just blew through them and just who you are as a human and how you think about things and how you make it just like it's just, it's amazing. And I'm so grateful that you said he has to come in on the show and being here. We end every on purpose episode with a final five,

which is meant to be a fast five, which I always ruin because I get intrigued, but I will try and do it fast with you. So these are five questions I have to be a fast five, which I always ruin because I get intrigued, but I will try and do it fast with you. So these are five questions I have to be answered in one word to one sentence maximum. And I will ruin it. So it's my job to ruin it and you pretend and try and stick to the rules. Okay. So question number one is what is the best advice you've ever received? You can always change your mind. Nice. That's a great piece. We never. Nice, that's a great piece of it.

We've never had that. That's a great piece of it. I found a new one. Yeah, you did, yeah. That's a great, I love that. What's the worst piece of advice you've ever received? If you take time off, everyone might forget about you. Wow, that's so good too.

That's fun, it's never had that. I know you, that's great. That's not great. Yeah. I just remember that because it really tapped into the workaholic in me. Yeah. That I've always, not always, that because it really tapped into the workaholic in me. Yeah. That I've always, not always, but I've really tried

to move away from something idea that somebody would say, my worst fear out loud. Yeah, definitely. I mean, when I first came here and I was first started coaching here, I had talent tell me that they were told by their first manager that you've got a three year career. Yes. You've got a three year career.

You've got to make the most of three years and after that you'll be irrelevant. And it's the same thing, like you just get stopped. And I remember even when I got to 1000, when I was first starting out, 1000 subscribers on YouTube, which I was really happy about and excited about at the time. And still am.

And I remember my friends going to me, so this is the peak basically, like this is it, like don't never be more than this. And so you should just make the most of it, because that that fear mindset that every time I hit a new peak, people around me would say, oh, that's the peak then. That's it now. You've done it now. I was like, only if you think that. Great, great answers so far. Question number three, What's something that you think people value that you don't value? Maybe this sounds sort of dumb, but whether or not people think I'm cool, I guess,

and that's probably pretty like entertainment industry specific, but I do think that there's like a lot of like insecurity in this business, and there's a lot of like hoping other people like you and like think you're cool. Yeah, yeah, yeah, and I don't really care about that anymore Yeah, like I really just want to be happy yeah and find my people and focus on those relationships And everyone else is kind of like feel however you want to feel about me Yeah, but I definitely used to be very concerned about that.

And it actually, I think, made me far less cool and less likable because I was really just terrified of everybody, so then I would be too quiet and then everyone would assume I was mean. And I'm like, I'm just scared. So yeah, I think, I think, yeah, and I'm like I'm just scared. So yeah, I think I think yeah, what just what other people Think of you and really I just care what's the people I like yeah think of me. Yeah, question number four This has been a question of asking recently because I want to help people are listening as well like how do you think about

How you choose your friends and the people around you, whether it's personal or professional. I want to surround myself with people who work really hard, are kind and empathetic, and that I trust in every way, but mostly that if we ever have a disagreement or miscommunication or argument, we're going to talk about it and deal with it and get through it. So I think that's, I want people around me that make me want to be a better person and put in the same level of energy and effort into our relationship that I'm going to. Love those. Fifth and final question, Taylor.

What is, if you could create one law in the world that everyone had to follow, what would it be? Ooh, one law in the world. Yeah. We ask for it. We ask for it. Question to every guest ever. Oh my gosh.

I want to know the best answer you've gotten. I don't think they're all surprising. Yeah. You get everything from something really simple,, be kind to some really specific, thoughtful stuff. And so I don't think we've had a best answer, but I am currently compiling every answer we've ever had. Because I think it'll be fun to look at the breath of answers.

One law that everyone had to follow. Or one habit that they had to do every day. One habit that they had to do every day. One habit that they had to do every day. I mean, everyone should be journaling probably. Yeah. I guess that, maybe. I love that. Have you been journaling for a long time?

You know what I've noticed? This is going back to the relationship single thing. When I am in a relationship, I'm terrible about journaling. Wow. And then when I'm single, I'm great about it. And it makes a huge difference. Wow. And I remember the last it. And it makes a huge difference. And I remember the last time I got out of a relationship, I had been telling myself,

okay, well, I'll get back to journaling. I've been telling myself that for months. And I thought I hadn't journaled in like two, three months, which is still bad. And I went back into it after my break up. And my last entry was like going on a date with the person I ended up in a relationship with. Which is, I mean, again, I thought I was like, it's been like 60 days, I'll get back to it.

And it had just been so long. Well, that has so many lessons in it. That is such a great answer because I think we leave so many of our best habits when we get into relationships and then wonder what went wrong. So journaling and no yelling, I guess, unless you're happy and excited. No mean yelling. No mean yelling. I love that. Very deep and profound. Thank you. Taylor, you are incredible. I think you're cool. I would yell an excitement when you first came. No, I'm so so happy that we got to do this. I'm so happy to get to meet you.

For anyone who's been listening or watching at home, make sure you tag Taylor on me on Instagram, on Twitter, on all platforms so that we can see what resonated with you, what connected with you. I love, love, love knowing what Taylor said that is going to stay with you, is going to stick with you, that connected with you, that moved you. And of course, I highly recommend that you go and check out Quarter Life Crisis and look at you and follow Taylor on every single platform so that you can stay up to date and so that you don't have to see me send these scary videos, funny videos and exciting videos, but that you can do it yourself.

But Taylor, you continue to be my, the comedian that I follow the most, that I love the most, that I watch the most. I'm so honored, so excited to see what you do next. I'm convinced for someone as talented as you and someone as grounded as you and who's doing the work so early, that anything's possible and it's you know more and more It's gonna happen as time goes on so really really excited for you excited to be an Observer and a cheerleader on the journey Thank you so much. It was seriously so so nice to meet you finally in person and I'm obviously such a fan as well and I can't wait to meet your wife as well, so you have to be friends with me now.

Yeah, until she comes back. I mean, like a month. So yeah, yeah, definitely. But thank you, Taylor. Thank you. Thanks, everyone, for listening and watching. Makes you share this with a friend who would love to hear it, would benefit from it.

I hope that you pass it on and it changes someone day today as well. So thank you, everyone. Thank you. What if you could tell the whole truth about your life, including all those tender, invisible things we don't usually talk about? I'm Megan Devine. Host to the podcast, it's okay that you're not okay. Look everyone's at least a little bit not okay these days, and all those things we don't usually talk about Maybe we should. This season I'm joined by stellar guests like Abbermote, Rachel Cargol, and so many more.

It's okay that you're not okay. New episodes each and every Monday available on the iHeartRadio app or wherever you listen to podcasts. The Therapy for Black Girls podcast is your space to explore mental health, personal development, and all of the small decisions we can make to become the best possible versions of ourselves. I'm your host, Dr. Joy Harden Bradford, a licensed psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia, and I can't wait for you to join the conversation every Wednesday. Listen to the Therapy for Black Girls podcast on the iHart Radio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your podcast. Take good care.

I'm Eva Longoria. And I'm Maite Galmister Juan. We're so excited to introduce you to our new podcast. Hungry for history. On every episode, we're exploring some of our favorite dishes, ingredients, beverages, from our Mexican culture. We'll share personal memories and family stories, decode culinary customs, and even provide a recipe or two for you to try at home.

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