On Purpose with Jay Shetty - The 1 Toxic Mistake That's Damaging Your Relationships & The 4 Steps To Never Repeat it Again

Episode Date: July 17, 2020

There’s one habit that could be ruining your relationships. In this episode of On Purpose, Jay Shetty reminds us that sharing close quarters with someone can quickly result in stress & strain on our relationships. It’s all too easy to fall into the dangerous habit of keeping score. Keeping score is easy, but it's a destructive habit. You'll learn Jay Shetty’s four steps (D-E-A-L) to break the habit of scorekeeping so your relationships can thrive. Text Jay Shetty 310-997-4177 See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hey, it's Debbie Brown, host of the Deeply Well Podcast, where we hold conscious conversations with leaders and radical healers and wellness around topics that are meant to expand and support you on your wellbeing journey. Deeply well is your soft place to land, to work on yourself without judgment, to heal, to learn, to grow, to become who you deserve to be. Deeply well with Debbie Brown is available now on the I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Namaste. Hi, I'm David Eagleman. I have a new podcast called Inner Cosmos on I Heart. I'm going to explore the relationship between our brains and our experiences by tackling unusual questions. Like, can we create new senses for humans?

So join me weekly to uncover how your brain steers your behavior, your perception, and your reality. Listen to Intercosmos with David Eaglement on the I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. The one you feed explores how to build a fulfilling life admits the challenges we face. We share manageable steps to living with more joy and less fear through guidance on emotional resilience, transformational habits, and personal growth. I'm your host Eric Zimmer and I speak with experts ranging from psychologists to spiritual

teachers offering powerful lessons to apply daily. Create the life you want now. Listen to the one you feed on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. If you're counting every time that you win and you get something right. And if you're counting every time someone else loses and makes a mistake, you're always going to feel like they're not right for you. Hey everyone, welcome back to On Purpose.

I just want to start off by saying a big thank you to each and every one of you that's big thank you to each and every one of you that's listening right now and each and every one of you that's subscribed to the podcast and also written a review. The reviews make a huge difference. Thank you so much. I want to give a big shout out to someone who wrote this review last week. It says never disappointed.

Jay is so current and his content is life changing. His guests are amazing, yes they are. And the way he stays his interviews makes for time well spent. Thank you so much for listening. It means so much to me. Now this is another one. This is the first podcast I've ever listened to.

Your interviews and the way you communicate things has helped me so much. Thank you so much. These are reviews are amazing. If you get a chance, please leave a review on the podcast. It makes a huge difference to new listeners. It makes a huge difference to people that can work with us, connect with us,

and communicate with us and the guests that we get. If you get value from this podcast, please leave a review. It will make the biggest difference to me and I really appreciate it. I can't wait to read out more as we continue to do this. Now, whether you're walking the dog, whether you're, you know, doing some household chores, whether you're cooking or commuting or working

or whatever you're up to, I just wanna say thank you for investing in yourself. Thank you for committing to yourself. It's the best investment you can make, but it is the rarest investment that we make. And I just want to take a moment to acknowledge and recognize how powerful it is. Now today we're talking about the one habit that could be ruining your relationships and the four steps to stopping it. Now I realized I haven't spoken about relationships for a while,

but I do realize that during the pandemic lockdown, COVID relationships have been the most tested. And it's fascinating because people have been alone and missing being around people, and then people have been surrounded by their family, their partners, their kids, and wanting to find a long time in space. It's incredible how we always crave what we don't have.

And it's really interesting to think about what are the habits, what are the default modes that are ruining our relationship and how can we drastically improve them. Now, ask yourself this question. Does it often seem like people just don't measure up? Like do you have a friend who always lets you down? Right?

Does your boyfriend or girlfriend or your spouse have a behavior? They seem to do over and over and over again, that idiosyncrasy, that behavior trait that just irritates the heck out of you and always makes you angry. You can visualize them doing it to you right now, right? Like you can see it. Whatever it is, everyone has one of those. Right now, lots of us are experiencing stress

in our relationships in different ways. Maybe we're spending lots more time in close quarters with our partners or maybe we're feeling strain because we're restricted to texting and Zoom calls when we'd really like to see and spend face-to-face time with our family and friends. But it's not everyone who's experiencing relationship stress. Julian Redwood is a marriage and family therapist who runs the website

fullfrontofatherhood.com. He says that during this time, people who have strong relationships overall are doing fine and are viewing one another as a team who can get through this together. For those who are struggling, what this time of stress and restriction is doing is underscoring and amplifying issues that already exist in their relationship. So think about that. Are you someone who's kind of, you know, you're putting it together, you're pushing through your working hard on it, or are you both realizing that you're seeing things come out from the cracks? And by the way, neither's good or bad, it's just learning from

that situation. So how can we resolve these issues? I wanted to talk about one extremely common thing. So many of us do that causes stress and strain in our relationships. It's a behavior that if we learn to identify with and understand why it's so problematic, we can stop, we can shift it, and we can make our relationships whether with boyfriends or girlfriends, family or friends so much stronger as a result. I'm going to tell you the one habit that could be wrecking your relationships and the four steps to breaking that habit so you and those who you love can appreciate and enjoy one another more. Here's the one habit that may be

causing you stress and strain in your relationship that doesn't need to be there. You ready for it? in your relationship that doesn't need to be there. You ready for it? Keeping score. How many of you out there are score keepers? I'm not talking about sports, I'm talking about in your relationships. Are you a score keeper? Do you keep track of the times people irritate you,

disappoint you or let you down? And keep score of how many times you're going out of your way and being the bigger person and doing the right thing. How many of you asked your partner or your parent to do something or you create setups where you have an expectation or hope that the person will do or say something particular? In other words, how many of you test people to see whether they measure up? Not be honest with yourself, because again, if we can identify this problematic behavior, we can change it. This isn't about being hard on yourself. It's not about criticism.

It's about creating something better for ourselves and those we love. So let's say the person you're dating is usually late. You put a time out there to meet and they're late and you get angry. You mark it down in the books, right? He was late again. He might even spoil your whole night. Maybe you fight about it

or you just sit there and steam about it, right? How many of us do that? And every time it happens, you think, here we go again, it's like you're mentally putting another tally in the late column. Here's why that and all scorekeeping is a problem. It doesn't help. I mean, I know that sounds really simple, but think about it. It's not constructive. It doesn't solve anything. When you keep score, you're just getting frustrated with the person and you end up unhappy and resentful or whatever else it is that you're feeling. Or maybe it's that your friend has the habit of every time you share

something, they don't listen. Instead, they make it about themselves. Like you say, hey, I'm really struggling right now. My child is having nightmares and isn't sleeping and so I feel bad for him and also we're all tired. And your friend jumps in and says, oh yeah, I remember when our youngest went through that, it was awful, I had such a hard time. And you think there she goes again, making it about her.

And maybe that is an unhelpful habit she has, turning the conversation back to herself. Yet how long has she been doing this? If you think there she goes again, then you know she has this habit. Here's the question, why are you surprised? That's the big question. Now, I know we do this. We keep going back to the same people over and over hoping they will be or do something different. But in some cases, that's just who they are. Or that's where they are in their lives. There's a quote that's attributed to Einstein, which says that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result.

And we do this the most with people. If you're just gonna sit there and keep score when your boyfriend is late or your friend doesn't listen and hold this as a tally against him, that's a choice you're making. And it doesn't support healthy relationships. It just gets you frustrated and angry and resentful and often we keep score for

so long that we don't even notice the other wonderful things the person does. Instead we focus on what they don't do. We also sometimes get to the point that we so expect them to do these things that irritate us that it's almost like some sort of part of us enjoys it, like getting that validation of being right, of being able to say, I knew they'd do that again, right? I predicted it. You know, I told you so. And even if in some way, that validation feels good in the moment, it's like eating sugar, right? It's great in those first moments, but then it lets us down. It's not nutritious. It's not healthy. So here are the four things you can do to stop keeping score and how these four things will impact you and your relationships for the better. Now, I want you to remember this.

Deal. DEAL. Deal? Here we go. We'll start with D. The first thing is this. Ask yourself this question. Is this a deal breaker? Is this behavior something that is so triggering or disrespectful or abusive or manipulative

that if this person continues this, I don't want them in my life anymore. It's your responsibility to identify that. If you want to have wonderful, healthy, fulfilling relationships, you need to know what your deal breakers are. And hopefully, it's not stuff like leaving the cap off the toothpaste, right? That might be a bit unreasonable. And you know, that's the kind of thing that might be more about you than the other person. But you need to have boundaries. Like if someone insults you, they tell you that you don't look good.

They don't like your style that you're not as intelligent as they are. That's a deal breaker, right? That's fundamentally disrespectful to you. But what about the person who's late? Is that a deal breaker? Maybe it is for you, but ask yourself this, is the person trying to be disrespectful

and maybe they are, that's their choice, you know, that's that chance? But could it also be that they have a different relationship with time than you do? That they don't understand how long things truly take, like getting across town in traffic, and they need to do some work on their planning and scheduling. And that's not about you, they do that across the board.

And that's the real indicator there is, are they like that with everyone or are they like that just with you? That's a great indicator and thing to look out for. And what about your friend? Is her not listening a deal breaker? Maybe it is again, maybe you decide that this isn't a relationship you can stay in, that it's not good for you. And that's okay. Boundaries are beautiful, boundaries are healthy, you have to advocate for yourself. But be honest with

yourself, is this behavior truly a deal breaker? So that was the D and D.O. Step number two is E for embrace it. A way to stop scorekeeping is to embrace your friend, your boyfriend, your family member anyway. And this applies if you decide that the behavior is not a deal breaker, maybe it's something that irritates you, but it's so ingrained in who they are

that it would be like asking a leopard to change its spots. Right, you've heard that statement before. Or in the bigger scheme of things, maybe it's pretty minor like loading the dishwasher away that bothers you. Look, none of us are perfect. My wife and I work on our relationship and we do loads of healthy things,

but we still have little things that we do differently from the other person. But we embrace those things as part of the person we love. We don't keep score. Well, I used to, but I've realized how detrimental it was. We don't hold those things against one another because that would just cause strain and resentment between us. Sometimes we can even laugh about these things in one another. These are our quirks. Mind you, we're not laughing at one another or making fun of one another,

but laughing together at these things. Like maybe your boyfriend leaves the toilet seat up or your girlfriend often forgets and leaves her gym bag at home when she goes to exercise. When we truly love and value someone, we cannot learn to laugh at these things together. And by the way, so many fights in couples are caused by domestic things that just need to be done. So a study, and an article that I read by Karen Fratti on romper.com said, arguing over chores leads couples to divorce. And this is the interesting part, a study out of Harvard Business School looking at 3,000 couples found that 25% of couples divorced listed disagreements about housework as the top reason for splitting up as reported by the New York Times. Right? It's crazy that

it is such a common thing, and that's why I'm talking about it and giving it so much importance. It's crazy that it is such a common thing, and that's why I'm talking about it, and giving it so much importance. So that was e. The first, d was ask yourself, if the behavior is a deal breaker. The second, e was consider whether you can learn to embrace this thing that right now irritates you.

Can you let it go? Can you release it? Recognizing that it's just a part of this person you love, and there may be smarter ways to find a way to not argue about this thing that irritates you so much. Now the third step to stop scorekeeping is A for ask, have you had that conversation? Have you told the person, I want to be in this relationship with you, but here's what's happening. I feel like the fact that you're so often late

or that you tend to make things about yourself when I share something is disrespectful or it hurts my feelings or makes me feel like I don't matter to you. And have you brought it up and asked them about it, asked them to change the behavior or to discuss why they do that. They may have a completely different perception or perspective. They may have no idea. They may say, oh, that's such a bad habit I have. I've been working on it or I had no idea. Thank you for bringing it to my attention. I'll try to do that better.

You may even discover that it's a trauma response that they struggle with. You won't discover any of this unless you ask. And if the person expresses openness to changing the behavior, then your job is to wipe the slate clean, to stop keeping score, resist the temptation, because if you just sit there and wait and look for them to do it again, what's going to happen? It might turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy. There's an interesting phenomenon. I heard this from a body worker, a massage therapist and teacher.

He told me that when he's teaching his students who are going to become massage therapists, when he's teaching them hands-on work, he teaches them all of the techniques to get muscles to relax and soften. But then says, and if all that doesn't work, if the muscles don't soften and relax, and you can't figure

out what's going on, take a deep breath and relax your own body. More often than not, when you do that, the client will relax. Their muscles will relax. If you are holding tension in your own body and even in your own mind, they will feel that in some way, even if they're not aware of it. This is what it sounds like inside the box car. I'm journalist Annelle Morton in my podcast, City of the Rails. I plung into the dark world of America's railroads, searching for my daughter Ruby, who ran off

to hop train. I'm just stuck on this train, not where I'm going to end up. And I jump. Following my daughter, I found a secret city of unforgettable characters living outside society, off the grid and on the edge. I was in love with a lifestyle and the freedom this community. No one understands who we truly are. The Rails made me question everything I knew about motherhood, history, and the thing we

call the American dream. It's the last vestige of American freedom. Everything about it is extreme. You're either going to die, or you can have this incredible rebirth, and really understand who you are. Come with me to find out what waits for us in the City of the Rails. Listen to City of the Rails on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcast.

Or, cityoftherails.com. I am Mi'Anla and on my podcast, The R-Spot, we're having inspirational, educational, and sometimes difficult and challenging conversations about relationships. They may not have the capacity to give you what you need. And insisting means that you are abusing yourself now. You human! That means that you're crazy as hell, just like the rest of us.

When a relationship breaks down, I take copious notes and I want to share them with you. Anybody with two eyes and a brain knows that too much Alfredo sauce is just no good for you, but if you're going to eat it, they're not going to stop you. So he's going to continue to give you the Alfredo sauce and put it even on your grits if you don't stop him. Listen to the R-Spot on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you listen to podcasts. Not too long ago, in the heart of the Amazon Rainforest, this explorer stumbled upon something

that would change his life. I saw it and I saw, oh wow, this is a very unusual situation. It was cacao. The tree that gives us chocolate. But this cacao was unlike anything experts had seen. Ortasted. I've never wanted us to have a gun fight. I mean, you saw this tax of cash in our office. Chocolate sort of forms this vortex. It sucks you in.

It's like I can be the queen of wild chocolate. We're all lost. It was madness. It was a game changer. People quit their jobs. They left their lives behind, so they could search for more of this stuff. I wanted to tell their stories, so I followed them deep

into the jungle, and it wasn't always pretty. Basically, this disgruntled guy and his family surrounded the building arm with machetes. And we've heard all sorts of things that you know somebody got shot over this. Sometimes I think all these for a damn bar of chocolate. Listen to obsessions while chocolate on the I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts,

or wherever you get your podcast. There was this amazing experiment where scientists took two petri dishes and in each one they put some cardiac muscle fibers, muscle fibers from the heart. Something that's really cool is that these muscle fibers from the heart can keep beating outside of the body. So each set of muscle fibers in each dish and they were beating separately. The researchers took the petri dishes and placed them right next to one another on the counter. In just a short amount of time, the fibers started beating in rhythm with one another.

They synced up. That's a phenomenon called entrainment. We perceive one another. We can sync up with one another. You've experienced that when your partner is angry or your child is sad, you feel that. If you're rigid against someone and you expect them to let you down, in some way they feel that. If you can breathe and relax and let it go and instead hold that person in a space of love, they will feel that too. So step three is ask, ask them about the behavior,

discuss it with them. Then if they're willing to try and change it, if it feels like something they want to change, give them a chance to do it. Wipe the scoreboard clean, resist the urge to test them. And when you do that, you'll be amazed how much better you feel, because you're not looking for that next misstep they're gonna make.

The last step to scorekeeping is L, the love of yourself. Some of our relationships, we can't choose right? I'm talking about our families. If your mother or your father or your sibling continually upsets you with their political views, with their lack of acknowledgement of your accomplishments or whatever it is that our families just bug us with over and over again, choose to love yourself. And what I mean by that is don't allow them to have control over your feelings and your

experience of life. If your mother or father or sister or brother or cousin or aunt drives you crazy, that is actually you allowing them to control how you feel. By saying that someone drives you crazy, it means they're in the driving seat and you're in the passenger seat. You're letting someone drive you crazy. Now think about it, would you ever let a crazy person drive your car? If someone in your family was having a bad day and being overly emotional and struggling with something, would you let them drive your car? You wouldn't. So why would you let them drive your mind? Why would you let them drive your emotion? Why would you let them drive your emotion? Why would you

put them in the driver's seat when you know that they're not in the right condition right now? Why do we let that happen? And you can change that. That's one of the things meditation is so good for, especially meditating on compassion and mindfulness meditation to help you retain a calm center. Do all of the first three things with your family. Decide if it's a deal breaker, and you need to do something as extreme as cut off communication with them, which in some cases might be what you choose. See if you can embrace this as you're not favorite part of a person, you otherwise love and adore

and want an active relationship with and ask them about the behavior, identify it. Maybe they're not even aware of it. But beyond all of that, if you're going to be at a holiday meal with the person, if you're going to be talking to them regularly, and there's a reasonable expectation that they will do this thing, decide to love yourself by diffusing its impact on you. Get some perspective, step back, and say, this is not worth my happiness. I'm going to love myself and let it go.

Now again, if they're being abusive to you, that's another matter. But if it's something that irritates you, that's inconsiderate or maybe mildly rude, you can choose to diffuse it, to diminish its effect on you. One of the things I wanna share about scorekeeping overall is if you're counting every time that you win and you get something right,

and if you're counting every time someone else loses and makes a mistake, you're always going to feel like they're not right for you. When what I've learned is to realize that actually there are some areas and this is why school keeping doesn't work but needs to be looked at broadly, there are some areas in your life where you'll carry your partner and there are other areas in your life where your partner carries you. And the point is to look at both simultaneously. So we make two mistakes in relationship. We either only

look at what we do and that way you'll always feel like you're giving more. And the other mistake is we only notice the good that the other person does. And that way we ignore the bad. And this is very common in relationships. We ignore the bad. We ignore the red flags. We ignore the alarms and the alerts and everything telling us to leave because we only notice the good they do. And that is why it is so important to not score keep and see if you reciprocate in the same areas, but to see if there is reciprocation in approach in different areas. I'll give an example of what I mean.

Let's say my wife finds it annoying that sometimes when I'm working really hard, I'm reading a lot of books, I'll leave all my books out. But she also knows that I always try and help her with something when she needs help and needs support. So it's not that I don't want to support, it's not that I don't want to help it, it's just that I have this habit when I get really in the zone to leave

my stuff in a mess. And then she may realize in her life that when she's busy cooking or whatever it may be, she may be messy or busy or whatever it is, but she's also willing to help me in any other areas. So we realize that we both have a different space in our life where we're unorganized and unfocused, but we also have different space in our life where we're unorganized and unfocused, but we also have a space in our life where we're trying to support each other and trying to help each other as well. And that's one way to realize that so many of our lives are more like this than they are in any other way where people are supporting us in ways we don't support them and we're

supporting them in ways they don't support us. And that's how a relationship works. Whereas when you're expecting them to support you in exactly the same ways you support them in the same spaces and places, that's not a relationship. That's score keeping and really, really unlikely. I'm Dr. Romani and I am back with season two of my podcast, Navigating Narcissism. Narcissists are everywhere and their toxic behavior and words can cause serious harm to your mental health. In our first season, we heard from Eileen Charlotte, who was loved bomb by the Tinder

Swindler. The worst part is that he can only be guilty for stealing the money from me, but he cannot be guilty for the mental part he did. And that's even way worse than the money he took. But I am here to help. As a licensed psychologist and survivor of narcissistic abuse myself, I know how to identify the narcissists in your life. Each week you will hear stories from survivors

who have navigated through toxic relationships, gaslighting, love bombing, and the process of their healing from these relationships. Listen to navigating narcissism on the I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Conquer your New Year's resolution to be more productive with the Before Breakfast Podcast in each bite-sized daily episode,

time management and productivity expert, Laura Vandercam teaches you how to make the most of your time, both at work and at home. These are the practical suggestions you need to get more done with your day. Just as lifting weights keeps our bodies strong as we age, learning new skills is the mental equivalent of pumping iron. Listen to before breakfast on the I Heart Radio app

or wherever you get your podcasts. In the 1680s, a feisty opera singer burned down a nunnery and stole away with her secret lover. In 1810, a pirate queen negotiated her cruiseway to total freedom with all their loot. During World War II, a flirtatious gambling double agent helped keep D-Day a secret from the Germans. What are these stories having common?

They're all about real women who were left out of your history books. If you're tired of missing out, check out the Womanica podcast, a daily women's history podcast highlighting women you may not have heard of, but definitely should know about. I'm your host Jenny Kaplan, and for me, diving into these stories is the best part of my day. I learned something new about women from around the world and leave feeling amazed, inspired, and sometimes shocked.

Listen on the I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. So those are the four steps you can take to stop scorekeeping. D-E-A-L. Step one, decide if it's truly a deal breaker. Step two, decide whether the behavior is something you can embrace as just a quirk

or bad habit that the other person has that you can't get past or maybe even laugh it off together. And come on, I'm sure you have your own quirks as well, right? We all have them. Me and Rade just put out this video that came out a few days ago, a couple of days ago, which was us putting a piece of furniture together. And you get to see all our quirks. You get to see the competitive nature, you get to see the laziness, you get to see the productivity, you get to see everything. And we

made that video just to show how real relationships can fall apart over such basic things. And that's why I'm making this podcast is that I see more couples and relationships arguing about petty, insignificant things than they do about real things. And I'm not saying what you don't like about your pun is not real. It can be. But that often it's not a deal breaker, right? And maybe we can embrace it. Step three is ask, identify the behavior to the other person and ask where it comes from, to they know they're doing it. Are they willing to try and change it? And if so, wipe the slate clean. Give them a chance to change it. Remember, if you're hard and rigid towards someone, they're more likely to be hard and rigid back. Create an opportunity in space

for change. And step four, love yourself. Don't let that irritant that childhood nickname they insist on calling you that minimizing your choice of career. Don't let those external things that yes, they may be insensitive, but don't let them steal your happiness and influence how you experience your life. That's what compassion is about to others and compassion to yourself. Thank you so much for listening to on purpose. Let me know which of these principles stand out to you that you're going to test, that you're going to experiment with, try to stop keeping score everyone. It will make a huge difference. Please share your insights on Instagram. I love reading them. I love sharing them and please leave a review for on purpose on the podcast app that you listen to. Thanks for listening, everyone. I will see you again next week with an exciting guest and another exciting theme.

Thank you so much. you podcast hungry for history on every episode. We're exploring some of our favorite dishes ingredients beverages from our Mexican culture. We'll share personal memories and family stories, decode culinary customs and even provide a recipe or two for you to try at home. Listen to hungry for history on the I Heart Radio app Apple podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Danny Shapiro host of Family Secrets. It's hard to believe we're entering Apple podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Danny Shapiro, host of Family Secrets. It's hard to believe we're entering our eighth season, and yet we're constantly discovering new secrets.

The variety of them continues to be astonishing. I can't wait to share ten incredible stories with you, stories of tenacity, resilience, and the profoundly necessary excavation of long-held family secrets. Listen to season 8 of Family Secrets on the I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. When my daughter ran off to hop trains, I was terrified I'd never see her again, so I followed her into the train yard.

This is what it sounds like inside the box-top. And into the city of the rails, there I found a surprising world so brutal and beautiful that it changed me, but the rails do that to everyone. There is another world out there and if you want to play with the devil you're going to find them down the rail yard. Undenawm, come with me to find out what waits for us and the city of the rails. Listen to city of the rails on the I Heart Radio app,

Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. Or cityoftherails.com.