On Purpose with Jay Shetty - Why Rejection Hurts and 6 Ways to Gracefully Deal With it
Episode Date: July 12, 2019Rejection is probably one of the worst feelings you could ever have, it honestly feels like a punch in the stomach. Regardless of how successful someone seems, we’ve all experienced it at some point... or another in our lives.Whether it’s in the workplace or in our personal lives, it never feels good and we don’t always know the best way to handle it. In this week's episode, I did the research and share 6 ways you can start to gracefully deal with rejection in any situation.I show you what I call the rule of 100, why you shouldn’t be seeking revenge and how you can turn rejection into redirection. This is an important skill we should all learn how to master so make sure you listen carefully and take notes!See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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I'm Eva Longoria.
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If you knock on one door, it's likely it won't open.
If you knock on 100 doors, maybe 102 will open.
If you knock on 200 doors, maybe two to four will open.
If you knock on 300 doors, maybe three to six will open. If you knock on 300 doors, maybe 3 to 6 will open.
But being scared of rejection,
stops us from knocking.
And because it stops us from knocking,
it also stops us from success.
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Today's episode is about why rejection hurts and six ways to gracefully deal with it.
We've all been rejected.
We know exactly how it feels.
It's hurtful, it's painful, it's full of struggle, it's one of the lowest things that
can happen to us.
And rejection comes in different forms.
It can be rejected in a relationship.
It can be rejected for a job.
It can be rejected after a pitch or proposal.
It can be rejected in so many
different ways. It's an emotion that we come across in so many different areas of our
life and that's why it's so important to learn how to deal with it. See, when you go through
something once or twice in life, it would be useful to know it. But rejection is something
that we can go through a lot in life.
And actually one of the biggest mistakes we make
is that we never learn how to deal with it.
We just hope that next time we won't get rejected.
We just hope that next time we try something
that it won't go that way.
Right, we have this mentality that,
oh, it's just going to be better.
And I'm not saying that things aren't going to be better.
I believe they truly do get better, but I believe things get better when to be better. And I'm not saying that things aren't going to be better. I believe they truly do get better,
but I believe things get better when we get better.
Right, this is the truth.
Things get better when we get better.
When we improve our skills, when we learn more,
when we grow more, we can deal with things better.
Now, we've all been rejected.
We know how it feels.
How many times have you ever felt that it's literally
like being punched in the stomach, or you feel some sort of physical reaction to an emotional
rejection? That's because FMRI studies state that the same areas of the brain are active
when we are rejected and when we experience physical pain, there is such a big correlation in science
between emotional rejection and physical pain.
The same areas of our brain are triggered.
It's incredible to even think of that,
but I remember whenever I've been rejected,
you can see all over me affects my whole body,
affects my physique, it affects my body language and posture.
It affects every part of my physicality.
And I'm sure you've experienced that as well.
The amazing thing is that whilst I was researching
for this podcast, I found some amazing letters of rejections.
These were letters that were sent
to some of the most famous people in the world.
And these letters were letters rejecting them for their talents.
I want to read a few of them for you, just for you to get a feel of what I'm talking about.
So I'll let you guess or think about who this is.
This was a letter from Deco Records to a band.
The executives felt that guitar groups are on the way out, right?
And that's quoted.
The executive felt that, quote, guitar groups are on the way out.
And the band have no future in show business.
The band was the Beatles, right?
It's incredible to even imagine,
but there were executives at decor records who believed that.
And you too, and Madonna, receive similar letters.
Right, when you read these letters, you just mind blown because in hindsight,
it makes absolutely no sense.
But so often, some of the most successful people in the world have been rejected,
whether that's Steven Spielberg from film school,
whether it's Michael Jordan from getting into his high school basketball team,
or whether it's looking at someone like Walt Disney, right?
All of these people have endured failure and rejection,
and we notice that anyone you admire, anyone you aspire to be like,
anyone you look up to has been rejected.
This is probably one of my favorite stories of rejection.
This man was very successful at Yahoo.
I believe he was there for about 10 to 12 years,
and then he decided to apply to two other big companies.
The first company applied to was Facebook,
and he was rejected by Facebook.
And he actually tweeted about being rejected by Facebook.
And this is what he tweeted.
He tweeted, Facebook turned me down.
It was a great opportunity to connect
with some fantastic people looking forward
to life's next adventure, right?
I mean, who gets rejected by a huge company
and tweets about it?
I mean, that's absolutely insane to even think about that.
Now, he went and then applied for Twitter.
And the same thing happened.
He was rejected by Twitter. And so he
posted again on Twitter this time. And he said, God denied by Twitter HQ, that's okay, would have
been a long commute. Now, this man is publicly sharing his rejection from two of the biggest
companies in the world. Most of us would see that as career suicide. Most of us would see that as
extremely scary, because now all the competitors know that you weren't good enough to get
into these two companies. But this man didn't let it phase him. What he did is he co-founded
a startup a few years later. And then after building it up, ended up selling that startup,
selling that company to Facebook for $19 billion.
Think about this for a moment.
The man who was rejected from Facebook and Twitter
a few years later sold his company to Facebook
for $19 billion.
His name is Brian Akton, and he's the co-founder of WhatsApp.
Now, I don't know how many of you use WhatsApp,
but I'm guessing a lot of you do.
I found it crazy when I moved to the US.
I realized lots of people in the US didn't use WhatsApp
even though in Europe and of course in Asia
we use WhatsApp a lot.
And I was just blown away that here was a person
that could have been hired by Facebook for a few hundred thousand dollars.
But instead they paid 19 billion dollars for him in this platform.
But it's incredible to believe that he was rejected.
And there are so many other incredible examples
that I want you to take note of.
So let's take a look at someone else,
someone like Jessica Alba,
who's been on the front cover of Forbes
for the success of her company, the Honest Company.
But the thing is that despite being on Forbes
and being on the front cover,
it wasn't always that simple for her,
and actually in her interview with Forbes,
she talked about how when she first
pitched the honest company, she just had loads of condescending
nods or pats on the back of good luck.
And she talked about instead of the resistance holding her back,
it pushed her forward.
And she said she almost needed it.
Right, this is really important.
She said she almost needed it. And, this is really important. She said she almost needed it.
And she said, I needed people telling me no
for me to figure out exactly what I was going to do
and how I was going to do it.
See, sometimes hearing no is actually leading us
towards the right yes.
See, hearing no for the wrong idea
is leading towards the yes for the right idea
because when you keep hearing no,
it pushes you in a direction of flow
to figuring out what you need to do.
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Now listen to this, this is another huge example of someone. Lady Gaga, who of course lost your absolutely phenomenal year with the rise of a star is born and all of her other success. Gaga was actually rejected from her first ever music label and she ended up
signing for Deaf Jam Records in 2006 and was dropped after three months. Imagine that, getting
rejected from your first music label, then getting signed and getting rejected after three months.
It's crazy and she's described it as one of the worst days of her life and happened quite quickly. And what I really
loved about what she said in this instant is that if you give up after something like
that, you will never destined to be an entertainer. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. And
I love that she talks about that because she's recognizing that failure, that rejection,
that pushbacks, that setbacks are totally the path.
They are the way. Right, you don't have obstacles on the way, the obstacle is the way, right?
These aren't challenges in the path, they are the path. And we see this more and more in the
past when we lived in forests and woods and land as hunters and gatherers, being rejected from our
community was one of the worst things that could happen.
It was like being excommunicated almost literally felt like a death penalty because you would die
from that loneliness and wouldn't be able to survive without that community. Now because of that,
our brain evolved to alert us of this happening. So when we feel rejected, we're almost reacting to it
in a similar way. And at that time, it was a protective mechanism to save us from
death. And today, it's trying to save us from loneliness. It's trying to save us from a feeling of
disconnection. But here's the thing, what we don't realize is that being in a place where we're not
wanted can be the most lonely place of all. And this is what I've realized in my journey of rejection is, why do I want
to be at a company? Why do I want to be in a place where I'm actually not wanted? Why
do I want to force my way into a place where people don't think I'm good enough? Because
if I force my way in, they're always going to have that doubt. And the crazy thing is
that studies show that we perform at a lower IQ simply by visualizing
a rejection experience we've had in the past.
So if you literally visualize and relive a time you've failed in your past, you will actually
have a lower IQ on test exams and any challenges that you take after it.
So we actually make worse decisions and that clarity after we're rejected. And
I think we've all experienced that. We all sometimes make rash decisions. And this is
one of the biggest mistakes we make is that we try and make a long term decision based
on a short term emotion. And that's where we really go wrong. Where we try and make this
long term decision based on a short term emotion. Now, I know it's difficult because right
now we're noticing and what it feels like more and more and more. And I read somewhere that the
rejection rate for online job applications is 98%. It's crazy to even think that that's true,
but it is. And I'm sure you've experienced that. You get that automated email back, right?
You get this email back that literally says,
you know, sorry, we've had too many applications
and you want the right fit, stay in touch, right?
You get this really basic generic email.
And we've all been there.
So what I want to share with you today
is very simply the six ways, right?
The six ways to gracefully deal with it. We've talked about why rejection hurts. We've talked
about the people that have been through rejection. We've talked about the challenges that so many of
the people we look up to have overcome. So we recognize that rejection is part of the path, but now how do we make it?
Something that is gracefully dealt with.
And my number one piece of advice, the first one that I wanted to start with, is this,
don't take it personally, right? A lot of rejection notes that we receive a generic and broad that are sent to that 98%.
We don't always get a lot of feedback inside or information.
And the biggest mistake we can make is we take that very ambiguous information and make
it specifically about us.
Beating yourself up is the worst thing you can do after rejection.
Self-criticism and doubt creep in almost straight away,
and it's really important to recognize that that isn't personal.
There's so many other people that receive the same exact response,
and it doesn't mean it's the end.
See, failure is not final.
Failure is not fatal. Failure isn't the end.
Don't focus on everything you got wrong.
Move on to that next opportunity after you do this next step.
And this is the important bit, right?
Don't take it personally, even if you get that message and you've had 10 of them now,
you can't start taking that personally because it wasn't directed to you personally.
Now I remember when I came back from being
a monk, no one wanted to hire me because I had a monk on my resume for three years. In fact,
40 companies rejected me before I even had an interview with them. They didn't even get me to
that opportunity of sitting with them and explaining my story and my skills. They just rejected me based
on that online application. Now, if I took that personally
and seriously, I would have believed that no one's going to hire me because I was a monk,
that I will never have a future, that I will never have a career. And this is what we do.
We take a temporary piece of information and we start to imagine with it, right? We sensationalize
it. It's almost like we start writing totally imaginative headlines about our life rather than accepting in reality what's
happened, which is just the fact that we've received an email saying we've had lots of
applications and you're not going to make it through to the next round. We can't take
it as a personal attack.
The second piece of advice that I want to share with you, and this is for when you get a bit
more information. This is when you've been to a with you, and this is for when you get a bit more information.
This is when you've been to a few interviews,
you've been to a few pictures, you've been to a few meetings,
you've had a few proposals, this is what you have to do.
Don't take it personally, but do take it curiously.
When we get curious about rejection,
it can be useful as a way of actively learning. When we don't
take rejection personally but take it curiously and actively, we actually start changing our
lives.
Instead of looking at our weaknesses, we can observe the process and ask ourselves, where do
we think we can improve? Where can we refocus? See, failure is feedback. It really is, I
really believe this, failure is feedback. It's not. I really believe this. Failure is feedback.
It's not saying you can never make it.
It's not saying you can't do this.
It's not saying you're not good enough.
It's feedback.
And if we can get actual feedback, that's awesome.
And if we can't, we have to find the feedback for ourselves.
See, if someone's not giving you feedback or closure,
you have to find that feedback enclosure
through introspection and reflection. And you have to find that feedback enclosure through introspection
and reflection. And we have to take responsibility. Because when we do that, that's when we push forward.
Remember, you can work on and learn any area that you want to. This is a great exercise to
identify what that is. Now, I've often realized when I've been rejected
that I didn't do enough research
or I didn't plan enough, I didn't learn enough,
but notice, it's not me.
It's not that I'm not enough.
It's not that I'm not good enough.
It's that I didn't plan enough.
I didn't learn enough.
Right, so that separates me from being enough
and actually recognizing there is just something that I need to do more of, which makes me want to start acting now.
If you focus on being curious, you won't even have time to sit there and feel that it's this huge challenge.
Now, principle number three, it's something I call the rule of 100. Now often people that I know or friends that I have will say to me,
yeah, your life seems so exciting. Everything seems to be working out. Life's great all this time. Right? What's happening?
Like, oh my God, like there's always something good going on in your life. Now I used to always think that about other people too.
I used to see other people who are sharing their successes and their achievements, and I would think,
oh, wow, like, you know, things just work out for them, like things just must work out for them.
And this was really interesting. So people usually see this when I'm interviewing an amazing
guest on the podcast, like whether it's Novak Djokovic or Russell Brand or Giselle or, you know,
Chrissy Metz was on recently and people loved her episode or Ray Dahlia was on.
And all of these incredible people, or maybe when earlier this year, I got to go on the
today show or I got to go on Ellen and that was a huge moment for me or I was on Red Table Talk.
But what we don't see is that I'm knocking on 100 doors that month and we only see the one
that opens. So the point being that if you're knocking on 100 doors a month, one may open.
See, life is all about odds.
If you knock on one door, it's likely it won't open.
If you knock on 100 doors, maybe 102 will open.
If you knock on 200 doors, maybe 2 to 4 will open.
If you knock on 300 doors, maybe 3 to 6 will open.
But being scared of rejection
stops us from knocking. And because it stops us from knocking, it also stops us from
success. When you know that most things won't work, you keep knocking and feel really
grateful for the ones that do open. So I know for a fact that I'm going to reach out to
so many different people to work with, to collaborate, to do so many a fact that I'm going to reach out to so many different people to work with to collaborate to do so many things
And I'm sure that many of them won't even see the message and I'm sure that many of them won't even hear the message or read the message
But what I do know is that the more I ask the more I try the more likely something is going to happen
And so when we're scared of rejection, when we're fearful of rejection, we're actually
limiting our chances of success. But when you're open to rejection, when you're okay with getting
rejected, and actually the more you get rejected, the more used do you get, and the more things
open up for you. So you'll always have something to celebrate when you experience rejection more
often. It's the greatest irony, right? You'll always have something to celebrate when you experience rejection more often, it's the greatest irony, right? You'll always have something to celebrate.
When you experience more rejection, the less rejection you experience, the less you'll
have things to celebrate.
Listen, it's carefully.
The more you experience rejection, the more things you'll have to celebrate, the less
you experience rejection, the less things you'll have to celebrate because the odds show rule of 100 that
you are more likely to succeed when you knock on more doors.
Our 20s are seen as this golden decade. Our time to be carefree, full in love, make mistakes,
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I'm Jay Shetty and on my podcast on purpose, I've had the honor to sit down with some of
the most incredible hearts and minds on the planet.
Oprah, everything that has happened to you can also be a strength builder for you if you allow it.
Kobe Bryant, the results don't really matter. It's the figuring out that matters.
Kevin Haw, it's not about us as a generation at this point. It's about us trying our best to create change.
Luminous Hamilton, that's for me been taking that moment for yourself each day,
being kind to yourself because I think for a long time I wasn't kind to myself.
And many, many more.
If you're attached to knowing, you don't have a capacity to learn.
On this podcast, you get to hear the raw real-life stories behind their journeys and the tools they
used, the books they read, and the people that made a difference in their lives so that they can make
a difference in hours. Listen to on purpose with Jay Shetty on the iHeart Radio app, Apple podcasts
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Okay, so point number four. This is probably one of my favorite messages,
one of the most important things that I've
said I shared on Instagram recently and people really responded well to and I said it
actually changed my life.
Rejection is redirection, right?
Rejection is just redirection.
You'll get to where you want in life, just not in the way you imagined it.
We have this picture perfect method of how we believe something's going to happen.
And that's actually what blocks us from getting there.
Because you have a view of what that road looks like.
And so you're looking for that road.
And when you're looking for that road,
life and reality is giving you a completely different path.
And because that path looks unfamiliar,
you don't walk it anymore.
And you keep looking for that road,
but you can't find that road because that road looks unfamiliar, you don't walk it anymore, and you keep looking for that road, but you can't find that road
because that road doesn't exist.
It's literally like looking for an imaginary road
in a town, right?
Imagine you just said,
oh yeah, I think that there's this road
and this path that leads me to that mountain.
I'm gonna take that path,
and then you keep looking for that path,
and whenever you ask for it,
everyone says, well, that path doesn't exist,
there's this path, and you're like,
oh, but I don't like the look at that path.
I think there's another path.
And that's where we get lost.
We don't get to our destination because we have path addiction.
We don't get to our destination because we have path addiction.
We're addicted to our path and what it looks like.
And we want it to happen that way.
And the reality is that no one in life has ever walked the path they're addicted to.
There is nothing in anyone's life.
There is no path in anyone's life that they've walked,
that got them there the way they imagined it to.
Now, I wanna share a personal story in this regard as well.
I've never talked about this, but I want to share it with you all.
When I first decided I wanted to do a podcast, now we launched a podcast around six months
ago, and I decided I wanted to do a podcast, probably about 12 to 18 months ago, so it's
been a long time since I started thinking about this.
And when I did that, my team and I went around and met a lot of producers, met a lot of companies,
and met a lot of production houses that sponsored and worked in podcasts because I wanted to see who'd want to partner with me.
Now some said no straight away, like somewhere rejections straight away.
Right, for whatever reason. And again, I didn't take them personally, but I did take them curiously.
And I started to realize that I needed to have a concrete idea, I needed to understand what exactly I wanted to talk about.
I needed to have potentially a brand name or an idea. I needed to be clear to some degree,
to give people something to buy into.
Now, when I did that, one major company, right,
that decided they wanted to work with me,
and they were very excited about it.
Well, there were a few people in the team
that were excited about it,
and few people that were not excited about it.
And what ended up happening is
the people not excited about it won. So the
major company that I was supposed to work with for this podcast, this one that you're
listening to right now, literally pulled out two weeks before I launched. So I launched
on 14th of February, 2019 with my wife. And the podcast company pulled out two weeks
before I launched. I had to scrap to get my podcast out on time.
And you know what the reason they said it was?
They said it was because they didn't think
it was going to be a big podcast.
That's what they said, right?
And then I had two choices.
See, it was an opportunity to be redirected
or to retire and feel terrible
and get aggressive and be mad that it wasn't happening, right? I had two choices. And I'm
so grateful and I'm so happy because I was motivated to serve all of you because I had
this intention of wanting to create a podcast where we could go deeper in our relationship
where we could connect more, where we could learn more about each other, that really motivated me and guided me to launching myself.
And the best thing is, I'm so happy that I was redirected
as now I fully have my own podcast.
I'm totally in charge of what I create.
I'm completely involved in every aspect of this podcast.
It's given me more confidence in my own abilities,
and I realize this pattern, that you can't expect others to spot your potential.
You can't let others validate your own potential.
And this isn't the first time I've experienced this.
I've experienced this time and time and time again when I was first pitching my ideas,
my media, my video ideas, to editors, to the news anchor stories, whatever it was.
And I've told some of those stories in previous podcasts, but it's crazy to believe, right?
But remember this rejection is just redirection.
Now this is principle number five.
This is probably one of my favorite messages that I want to share with you.
Revenge is not a response to rejection, right?
You don't try to prove anything to anyone.
Just try to improve yourself.
Don't get lost trying to get revenge.
Because then in the future,
if that person doesn't think you're amazing
and doesn't tell you you're incredible,
then you're trapped again.
Right, I had a well-known radio presenter
tell me that my work, when I first launched,
this was probably before a lot of you were watching my work.
On Twitter, he said that it wasn't good and it wasn't up to scratch.
And then a few months later, when my work picked up, he reached out and told me that he couldn't
argue with the views and he interviewed me for his show.
Now I thanked him at both times for his honesty, because if I had responded to get revenge
on him or to show him or
to prove him wrong or any of that, again, you're just being controlled by someone else.
Right?
Your success, if you let your failure control you, your success will be controlled as well.
Right?
Remember that.
If you let your failure control you, your success will control you as well.
If you let someone else dictate
your failure, then you'll let them dictate your success, right? We can't get
lost in that trap. And this is principle number six, the sixth and final tip that I
have for gracefully dealing with rejection. Rejection is always right. Either way,
hear me out, I know this is painful to listen to, but listen to me carefully. When you get rejected in
something you like, you get bitter. When you get rejected in
something you love, you get better. See, when we get rejected in
something we kind of like and you just stop liking it now and
you stop thinking that you want to pursue it. That means you
didn't weren't really passionate about it. That means you
didn't really love it. but when you love something,
when it's really important to you,
you keep moving towards it.
Now in a relationship that's very different.
Of course, here I'm talking about careers,
I'm talking about passion,
I'm talking about interests,
I'm talking about hobbies,
I'm talking about business,
I'm not really talking about relationships,
but just to touch on relationships a bit,
you can't keep pursuing someone
who doesn't want to be with you,
but you can keep pursuing becoming the right person.
Right?
And that's where the pursuit has to change.
So if you didn't enjoy preparing for the interview, if you didn't enjoy preparing for
a pitch or a proposal, whatever it was, chances are it truly isn't the right job, it isn't
the right opportunity.
You can force your way into a company as start up a situation because of the name and prestige,
but that won't satisfy you when you hate it afterwards.
So many people want to job at Google
just to say they work for Google.
So many people want to be an entrepreneur,
just to say they're an entrepreneur.
So many people want to have a podcast,
just to say they have a podcast.
So many people want to write a book
just to say they're an author.
And a lot of those people get rejected
or it doesn't work and rightly so, because that's not enough. You have to love the process.
You have to be committed to the process. So I really hope you enjoyed this podcast today.
It's been incredible having you here. Remember, these are the six ways to gracefully deal
with rejection. We talked about why rejection hurts. Remember, everyone you look up to, everyone feel I love reading your reviews as well. Make sure you've subscribed. Make sure you've rated and make sure you've reviewed.
Thank you so much for listening.
I'm genuinely so grateful.
My name's Jay Shetty.
Have an amazing week.
Thank you so much for listening through to the end of that episode.
I hope you're going to share this all across social media.
Let people know that you're going to share this all across social media. Let people know that you're
subscribed to on purpose. Let me know. Post it. Tell me what a difference it's making in your life.
I would love to see your thoughts. I can't wait for this incredibly conscious community we're creating
of purposeful people. You're now a part of the tribe, a part of the squad. Thank you for being here. I can't wait to share the next episode with you.
Hi, I'm Brendan Francis Nuneum.
I'm a journalist, a wanderer, and a bit of a bon vivant, but mostly
a human just trying to figure out what it's all about.
And not lost is my new podcast about all those things.
It's a travel show where each week I go with a friend to a new place and to really understand
it, I try to get invited to a local's house for dinner, where kind of trying to get invited
to a dinner party, it doesn't always work out. Ooh, I have to get invited to a local's house for dinner, where kind of trying to get invited to a dinner party, it doesn't always work out.
Ooh, I'll have to get back to you.
Listen to not lost on the iHeart radio app or wherever you get your podcasts.
The world of chocolate has been turned upside down.
A very unusual situation.
You saw this tax of cash in our office.
Chocolate comes from the cacao tree, and recently, variety of cacao, thought to have been lost
centuries ago, where we discovered in the Amazon.
There is no chocolate on Earth like this.
Now some chocolate makers are racing deep into the jungle to find the next game-changing
chocolate, and I'm coming along.
OK, that was a very large crack it up.
Listen to the obsessions of wild chocolate on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or
wherever you get your podcast.
When my daughter ran off to hop trains, I was terrified I'd never see her again, so I followed
her into the train yard.
This is what it sounds like inside the box-top.
And into the city of the rails, there I found a surprising world, so brutal and beautiful,
that it changed me.
But the rails do that to everyone.
There is another world out there.
And if you want to play with the devil,
you're going to find them there in the rail yard.
Undenail Morton. Come with me to find out what waits for us
and the city of the rails.
Listen to City of the Rails on the iHeartRadio app,
Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
Or cityoftherails.com.
Listen to City of the Rails on the iHeart radio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts.
Or, cityoftherails.com.