On Purpose with Jay Shetty - Why You are Experiencing Dating Burnout & 3 Practical Tips to Stop Having Repeated Disappointments in Dating

Episode Date: September 20, 2024

Are you feeling burnt out from dating lately? Do you feel like you're repeating the same mistakes in dating? Today, Jay talks about why dating burnout is a common and natural response to repeated disappointments, unmet expectations, and the overwhelming nature of modern dating apps. He notes that most respondents feel disconnected, disillusioned, and emotionally drained, which leads to frustration and reluctance to continue dating. It is important to accept and acknowledge feelings of burnout. Jay explains that a vital first step in overcoming this is to reframe expectations and approach dating with a healthier mindset. Dating is like applying for a job, where the process may involve multiple attempts and disappointments, but persistence is key. To avoid personalizing every rejection, focus on their self-worth, be kinder to themselves, and build resilience throughout the dating journey. Jay highlights the importance of identifying and aligning with core values, explaining that these are the foundation for long-term relationship success.  In this episode you'll learn: How to Overcome Dating Burnout How to Spot Red Flags Early How to Build Resilience in Dating How to Align with Your Core Values How to Reframe Rejection Positively By approaching dating with less pressure, identifying red flags early, and giving second chances, you can create healthier, more meaningful connections while avoiding emotional exhaustion. With Love and Gratitude, Jay Shetty What We Discuss: 00:00 Intro 01:44 Are You Dealing with Dating Burnout? 05:43 Approach Dating with Higher Resilience 08:10 Four Red Flags of Poor Communication 11:39 Attraction is Beyond What You See 13:08 The Pressure to Present Yourself in a Certain Way 18:04 Focus on Having One Conversation at a Time 22:39 Why Do We Get Bored When Dating? 23:54 3 Strategies to Successful DatingSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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8 short practices, quick relief. Right now listeners of On Purpose get 40% off a subscription to Calm Premium at Calm.com forward slash J. That's C-A-L-M dot com forward slash j-a-y for 40% off Calm your mind, change your life You may say I don't believe in love at first sight but there's a part of you that does because if you don't like someone at first sight

you don't give them a second glance you don't give them a second chance you don't give them a second opportunity You think oh I've seen that person swipe. You know, I've seen this profile a million times. I'm drained. I'm not seeing anyone new. I'm bored.

Right? 41% report falling in love with someone they didn't initially find attractive. The number one health and wellness podcast. Jay Shetty. Jay Shetty. The one, the only Jay Shetty. Jay Shetty. The one, the only Jay Shetty. Hey everyone, welcome back to On Purpose.

It is so great to be back with you. Thank you so much for tuning in. If you are someone who's dealing with dating burnout, this episode is for you. If you've become exhausted dealing with all of the challenges that come with dating, this episode is for you. If you've become exhausted dealing with all of the challenges that come with dating, this episode is for you. Or if you have a friend, a family member, a sister, a brother, whoever it may be in your life that's struggling with dating, finding the one, finding Finding their person this episode is for you. I wanna start off by saying that I think it's pretty obvious

that people feel burned out from dating. A Forbes health survey says that interestingly, women feel more burnt out than men just by a little bit. 80% reporting feeling some level of burnout compared to 74% of men. Now, when respondents were asked what was their reason for being burnt out, I want you to hear these.

The Forbes Health Survey goes on to say the biggest reason is the inability to find a good connection with someone else, with 40% of all respondents saying that. It goes on to say that this is followed by being disappointed by people, 35%, feeling rejected, 27%, having repetitive conversations while chatting with multiple matches, 24%, swiping, 22% and simply the time spent using the apps 21%. This episode is all about helping you start dating again in a healthy, productive, effective

way so that you're not feeling all of this. Now I want to start off by just acknowledging that it's important to recognize that dating burnout is a natural response to an overwhelming or unsatisfying series of experiences. If you've been on countless dates that led nowhere, or you've been in relationships that drained you emotionally, it's understandable that you might feel reluctant to put yourself out there again. Burnout often stems from unmet expectations, repeated disappointments, as we've discussed,

and the pressure to find a partner quickly. It's essential to acknowledge these feelings rather than suppress them. And accepting that you're burned out is the first step that we can take in this process. Now, I've been working with Match as their relationship advisor because I'm so committed to wanting to help people find love and this is an area that I believe people need so much more help because it's not something we learned at school, it's not something that our family has the best advice on and the truth is there isn't a perfect formula,

but what I will share in this episode is how you can get closer to having better matches, less disappointments and more success. Now for Matches 13th annual Singles in America study they asked all the questions about self-worth, relationships and love, and over 5,000 singles across the country answered in detail. What I found really interesting about this is that they found what singles have also learned to suss out makes an unhealthy relationship. So the four things that people notice that actually lead to an unhealthy relationship are one, poor communication 45%, two, lack of trust 42%, three, cheating and infidelity 38%, and four, emotional maturity 36%. Now, the reason why this is so important is that one of the things we say is that we have

an inability to find a good connection with someone else. That's one of our reasons for being disappointed in dating. Now here's the truth. It's actually more rare to find love than it is to not. And so we've actually got to approach dating with a higher resilience, with a higher, with a thicker skin, with the ability to deal with the fact that it's like applying for a job in the sense that there's a lot of applicants, there's not a lot of spaces, and it takes time. And often the reason why it's so difficult when it comes to dating is because it feels so personal. It feels like it's because of how I look, it's because of a habit I have, it's because I'm not over my ex yet, it's because I'm dealing with this or that, right? We make it

so deeply personal. We make it so critical and judgmental of ourself. And so in order to improve this, I want you to recognize that after a date, I want you to just as critical you are about yourself. I want you to be as positive. I want you to share what you think did what you did well, because here's what we often do. We're trying so hard to be interesting. We're trying so hard to make the other person like us that we don't know if we're interested in them and we don't know if we like them. We're trying so hard to get some

validation in that they'll think we're cool, we're interesting, we're fascinating, we're you know whatever it is trendy, whatever it might be. And we're trying so hard to do that is trendy, whatever it might be. And we're trying so hard to do that, that we don't actually think, well, did I like that person? Did I think they were interesting? Did I connect with them? And that's if we like them. Now, if we don't like them, we often disengage immediately.

And I find that that's draining too. We lose out on the ability to practice, to have a great conversation, to connect in a more friendly way with someone. And what we're doing is we're now spending an hour in our head thinking, I can't wait to leave. That thought of I can't wait to leave is the extreme opposite to I hope I can impress this person. And both of them are draining because one is acting and performing and the other is just surviving and trying

to get through something instead of just saying hey I may not be interested but let me at least have a good time let me at least try and connect let me learn let me try out a few questions that I've thought might be useful and hey maybe I'll actually find this person interesting. Now when we go back to these four red flags of poor communication, lack of trust, cheating infidelity or emotional immaturity, three out of four of these we can spot quite quickly and I find that we often ignore these. For example, if someone has poor communication, it's pretty obvious in the beginning if someone's going to be late for a date and they don't notify

you, if someone doesn't respond for a few days and then they're active again, but they keep repeating that pattern. It's a great way to set with someone, hey, how often do we think we'll both be replying here? Because what I find these days is it's so easy to get distracted and often people are genuinely busy, they've got so much going on, but oftentimes we're lazy. And the truth is you don't want to be with someone lazy, you don't want to be with someone who's not actually present with you and you can suss that out pretty quick. This is the way you know if you can trust someone. Do they keep their promises to you and even more importantly do they keep their promises to themselves when they say they're going to do something for you or for them?

Do they follow up? Do they live up to it? Do they back it up with action? And the fourth one, emotional maturity is a really, really important one to look at because I think that you can tell whether someone's emotionally mature by their ability to handle difficult conflict based tension based conversations or difficult scenarios. There may be something that you run in with with a host at a restaurant or at the bar. It could be how they deal with someone else behind them who pushed them when they walked in or whatever it may be.

It could be someone getting an order wrong. Like you can see how someone deals with it and what their nature is, what their disposition is, what their demeanor is when going through that. Now, again, when we go back to the dating burnout point of this idea that 40% of people feel they didn't find a good connection with someone, the match report goes on to share a really important statistics. And if this is the only statistic you take away from this episode,

that's great for me, because listen to this 41% report falling in love with someone they didn't initially find attractive. I think a lot of our dating burnout comes from as we said swiping. 22% said that. Another one is feeling disappointed by people 35% maybe they don't look like we thought they would look. When you think about those, there's nothing wrong with that. But 41% report falling in love with someone they didn't initially find attractive. I feel like we write so many people off. We don't give the person a second glance. We don't give the person a second chance. It's almost as if we believe in love at first sight

Like you may say I don't believe in love at first sight, but there's a part of you that does Because if you don't like someone at first sight, you don't give them a second glance You don't give them a second chance. You don't give them a second opportunity You think oh, I've seen that person swipe. Oh Yeah, I mean, you know, I've seen this profile a million times. I'm drained. I'm not seeing anyone new. I'm bored. Right?

I've met people in real life too, who tell me when they first were introduced to their partner, they didn't find them attractive. They didn't think they were their type. And it was their personality. It was the way they engaged. It was all the other things that won them over. And I think so many people are missing out on a wonderful opportunity

because we're valuing superficial initial interaction. Now I'm not saying you shouldn't be attracted to your partner. That's not what I'm saying. What I'm saying is that attraction is beyond what you see. And especially for a healthy relationship, if you're looking for a long-term relationship, there's so much more than the superficial that makes someone attractive.

Kindness makes you more attractive. Joy and optimism make you more attractive. The ability to solve problems and be analytical can make you attractive. Wanting to have an adventure and discover be analytical can make you attractive. Wanting to have an adventure and discover and explore can make you attractive. There are so many attractive traits beyond how someone looks that can make them attractive and actually a healthy partner.

Don't miss out on them because you still subconsciously believe in love at first sight. Give people a second glance. Give people a second chance. Because 41% of people fall in love with someone they didn't initially find attractive. On his new podcast, Six Degrees with Kevin Bacon, join Kevin for inspiring conversations with celebrities who are working to make a difference in the world, like musical artist Jewel. And what an equal opportunist misery is. It doesn't care if you're black or white or rich

or poor or famous or homeless. If you were raised in misery systems, it's perpetual. Kevin is the founder of the nonprofit organization 6degrees.org. Now he's meeting with like-minded actors who share a passion for change, like Mark Ruffalo. of the nonprofit organization, SixDegrees.org. Now he's meeting with like-minded actors who share a passion for change, like Mark Ruffalo. You know, I found myself moving upstate in the middle of this fracking fight, and I'm trying to raise kids there, and my neighbor's willing to poison my water.

These conversations between Kevin and activist Matthew McConaughey will have you ready to lean in, learn, and inspired to act. They're on the wrong track, help me get on the right track. If they're on the right track, let's help them double down on that and see the opportunities to stay on the right track for success in the future. Listen to Six Degrees with Kevin Bacon on the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcasts, or wherever

you get your podcasts. Get emotional with me, Radhita Vleukya, in my new podcast, A Really Good Cry. We're going to talk about and go through all the things that are sometimes difficult to process alone. We're going to go over how to regulate your emotions, diving deep into holistic personal development, and just building your mindset to have a happier, healthier life.

We're going to be talking with some of my best friends. I didn't know we were going to go there, Amit. I know, because this year was. People that I admire. When we say listen to your body, really tune in to what's going on. Authors of books that have changed my life. Now you're talking about sympathy,

which is different than empathy, right? And basically have conversations that can help us get through this crazy thing we call life. I already believe in myself. I already see myself. And so when people give me an opportunity, I'm just like, oh great, you see me too. We'll laugh together, we'll cry together,

and find a way through all of our emotions. Never forget, it's okay to cry as long as you make it a really good one. Listen to A Really Good Cry with Rali Devlukia on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Something that makes me crazy is when people say, well, I had this career before, but it was a waste.

And that's where the perspective shift comes, that it's not a waste that everything you've done has built you to where you are now. This is She Pivots, the podcast where we explore the inspiring pivots women have made and dig deeper into the personal reasons behind them. Join me, Emily Tish Sussman, every Wednesday on She Pivots as I sit down with inspiring women like Misty Copeland,

Brooke Shields, Vanessa Hudgens, and so many more. We dive into how these women made their pivot and their mindset shifts that happened as a result. It's a podcast about women, their stories, and how their pivot became their success. Listen to She Pivots on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. And this goes back to another reason why people feel burnt out in dating, 20% of people said they feel a pressure to present themselves in a certain way. And I think this hits very closely to why I partnered up with Match. And what I really found was I wanted to create a space where people could connect

based on their values. And this was really, really important to me because I feel that everything I'm saying here is because we don't realize that our core values have such a big impact in terms of long term success. If you ignore core values, you're thinking in the next five months. If you take on core values, you're thinking in the next five months. If you take on core values, you're living in the next five years. And for anyone who's interested and invested in building a long term, long lasting, powerful relationship, this mindset is huge.

93% of match members say that shared core values are a crucial indicator of relationship success. shared core values are a crucial indicator of relationship success. Now this helps connect. It helps not have to present yourself in a certain way. It helps you be yourself and be your authentic self. It goes back to the point I was making that if you're only trying to hope that you come across as interesting, then you're not getting to share your values. But if you're sharing your values and allowing for what happens to happen,

and I think that's the key, the draining part is performing. Right, rehearsing is not as draining as performing. If you're practicing a good conversation, if you're learning about yourself, if you're learning about the other person, if you're curious to get to know someone, you can actually learn some amazing

stories, you can learn some amazing things, but if you go there and you go this person is or isn't the one, not only have you put pressure on yourself to perform, you've now put pressure on them to perform and now you have pressure to present yourself in a certain way, which makes it a draining process. And I know it's scary to put yourself out there because you're thinking, well, what if this person doesn't like me and they tell other people, whatever it may be. The truth is, when it comes to the person you end up with,

it won't matter. It really won't matter. I promise you, when it comes to someone who really connects with you, it won't matter. And so, if you want to know your top three core values, I want you to head over to www.match.com forward slash quiz. Go to match.com forward slash quiz, take the quiz, it will only take a few moments and you'll get the answer to your top three values. Now the reason why this is important

is because it helps you guide what you're looking for. So often what happens when you meet someone on a date is you experience the halo effect. The halo effect is because they went to a good college, you believe that they're really smart when it comes to love. The fact that they have a feature, a physical feature that you find attractive, you now believe they're more trustworthy. We do this all the time. We ascribe and give

people qualities and attributes that we don't know that they possess yet. Whereas when you know your three core values, not only can you present and share them, you can look out and try to understand their values. And by the way, someone's values are what makes them valuable as a partner. When in relationship, you're really sharing values and vision, right? Do I like the way this person looks at the world? And even if I don't, can we have a great discussion about it because we have good values of respect, of honesty, of openness. I find so many of us miss out on great relationships or we cause ourselves future pain because

we don't know our values today. The reason so many of us deal with people treating us poorly or accepting disrespect is because we didn't figure out their values early on and we didn't figure out our values early on either. I want you to try this quiz, www.match.com forward slash quiz. Take it because it will really save you so much stress and so much burnout in dating. Now, even though a lot of people may say that dating apps really save you so much stress and so much burnout in dating.

Now, even though a lot of people may say that dating apps can be challenging, Forbes health survey found that individuals, 39% actually felt more confident using dating apps, 33% felt more attractive, and 24% felt more wanted as a result of them. Now, these are all positive signs, especially being burnt out from dating. It's a positive sign. And one of the reasons why we put the values feature in App Match was to help give you direction. I think one of the reasons when you're using lots of apps

and it's all about trying to be interesting and interesting and all the rest of it, it can become quite overwhelming. So my recommendation is use one app. The burnout part is using too many apps and staying in the conversation zone. If you stay in the conversation zone, as we said, you have lots of chats going on at the same time,

that's the exhausting part about dating. So choose one app and focus on having one conversation at a time. Truly do that. Try that out. And I know people are like spread your bets, work it out. Well, you'll be much better at knowing that something is complete and finished before you move on to the next. It's almost like if you've got three or four conversations going on at the same time,

you don't know which one's going where. And you don't have the presence to know whether something's just finished and over and you're leaving something that should be complete, open and open-ended. Now on a typical day, Match's research found that 39% of singles feel lonely, including 58% of Gen Z singles and of those who typically feel lonely, 25% reported that this is a chronic or lifelong issue. Similarly, 25% of singles feel that they are lonelier than their peers. And when it comes to third wheeling,

16% of singles say spending time with couples makes them feel more lonely. Now, a lot of people have a different view about that, but here's the thing. Nearly one in five young singles feel that loneliness has increased their drive to date and 55% of these young singles feel excited about dating. So it's really interesting that we feel more lonely when we're with couples, but that can actually be a drive to date more. So there's two schools of thought. One is stop hanging around with couples, hang around with singles. The other thought is hanging around with couples, hang around with singles. The other thought is hang around with couples, figure out where they went wrong,

figure out what mistakes they made, figure out how they felt about their partner when they first met, figure out what questions they asked, figure out what kind of dates they did that work. If you're around someone who you know is in a healthy, happy relationship, no relationship is perfect, ask them questions. Now I'm not saying that your love story

is gonna go the exact same way, but chances are there's gonna be a few tools and tips you pick up. And this is what it always comes back to for me, study don't envy. We get so lost in envying what people have and then we hope that we get the same thing rather than turning that envy into study and saying,

hey, where did you have your first date? What were your first impressions of each other? How did you get beyond that when you felt there was no chemistry or connection? I would actually argue that if you spend more time around healthy, happy couples, you're more likely to get a desire to date and get insights on how to.

Whereas if you're surrounded constantly by all your single friends, you're actually hearing about all the negatives of dating, you're hearing about how everyone's burnt out, you're hearing about how everyone else doesn't have something going for them, and they're struggling. Now, I'm not saying to change your friends, I'm not saying to ditch your friends. What I'm trying to say is, when it comes to making this work, there has to be a certain curation about what

you hear about dating. If all you're hearing is negativity, guess what? You're gonna turn up with no positivity for your next date. Are you going to put your best foot forward? Are you going to come as your best self? So what's really fascinating about this is the MATS survey says that what makes a first date worthy topic, whether someone has kids 72%, whether they're divorced or separated 65% and whether they drink alcohol 59%, there's a real thirst now for transparency and compatibility. People don't want to waste time. And so often we feel so almost like interrogators of asking these questions, but when we can

bring them up in natural conversation, even by self-sharing, and I think this is a really important point. We often want to ask important questions to someone, but we're not practicing self-disclosure. Self-disclosure is the ability to say, hey, you know what, I went sober a couple of years ago and my ideal night out or my ideal evening is X. Now you give the other person an opportunity to share what their ideal evening is. I think talking about an ideal evening, an ideal vacation, an ideal day at work, these are great conversation starters because it allows for imagination.

It allows to see what someone's focus is. It allows to see what someone's focus is, it allows to see what someone's priority is, asking people how they spend their time on their weekend. I think one of the reasons why we get bored is we keep asking the same questions and we keep answering the same questions. Now, it's funny because I go on a lot of podcasts, I do a lot of interviews, and I can feel that way often.

I get asked the same questions and I answer the same questions. So even though I'm not dating, I get a sense of what that may feel like. And one of the ways I think about this is how can I answer the same question in a different way? So if someone asked me about my sister or my siblings, which I only have a younger sister,

how can I talk about that in an interesting way, in a fascinating way, in a new way? Do I want to talk about something that recently happened, a story that we shared, an experience we had? Do I want to share about her wedding last year? What is that? How can I become more interested, even in what I'm sharing,

rather than say the same thing back? And how can I ask more interesting questions? People become more interesting when we're more interested. People become boring when we're less interested. Ask better questions. Be truly curious and be open about your own experiences. Be vulnerable. Share so that you give someone the opportunity to open up. Now, here's my power list of what to do. Number one, set a ritual of when you use the app.

A lot of us are using the app all throughout the day. We randomly pick it out. No, set a ritual. This is my present time to use the app. It's going to be every evening at this time. It's going to be every morning at this time. Whatever works for you, set a ritual of when you use the app and time box it Number two set a ritual for when you go out for a date

You've got a treat dating like a job. Maybe it's every Friday You're going out every Thursday every Tuesday every Monday, whatever it is once a month twice a month it needs to become something where you're getting out of the conversation and Messaging and moving into real life. Number three, choose something you actually want to go to or a place you'd like to go to. A lot of us settle for the same places and do the same thing, no wonder you're not going to find someone exciting or feel like you're drained because you're going to the same place. Pick a spot that you've wanted to go to for a while. Don't save it for a special day. Allow for this to be something that can be entertaining

to you and be fun for you as well. Number four, stop making every date carry the pressure of the one. If you walk into a day and go, is this person the one? Chances are they're not. And now you feel really drained and bored. Go into it going, I'm gonna get to meet someone new and I'm gonna get to practice

and I'm gonna get to learn and understand how to connect. And I'm gonna go and have a good time. Number five, think about the next five years and what would make it better, not just five months. What I mean by that is we're often thinking, well, will this person be fun for the next five months versus will this person actually become and let me become the person I want to be in five years? And chances are that may not be the person you're attracted to in the beginning. Six, prepare for deeper conversations and self-disclosure. Seven, prepare for the date.

Think about why you're dreading it. Is it because you're scared of being rejected? Is it because you're tired of saying the same things? Well then prepare for it. Don't say the same things, right? Don't focus on whether you're rejected or accepted. Focus on if there's a connection. And if you're not finding a connection, that's okay too. Use it at a place to understand and learn

how you can have better conversation. And number eight, you don't need to talk about every day again and again. I see this as being one of the reasons why people are truly drained from dating and burnt out is because they talk about a bad date again and again and again with all their friends. Let it go. Move on. Date again. I actually think if we didn't overanalyze every single day, we wouldn't be as drained.

It would be far easier to move forward. I really hope that this helps you date again. I highly recommend you go to match.com forward slash quiz to take our quiz, to learn about your top three values. And I really hope that assists you in your next step in your journey. Thanks so much for listening. Remember, I'm always rooting for you and I'm forever in your corner. Hey everyone, if you love that conversation, go and check out my episode with the world's leading therapist,

Laurie Gottlieb, where she answers the biggest questions that people ask in therapy when it comes to love, relationships, heartbreak and dating. If you're trying to figure out that space right now, you won't want to miss this conversation. If it's a romantic relationship, hold hands. It's really hard to argue. It actually calms your nervous systems.

Just hold hands as you're having the conversation. It's so lovely. On his new podcast, Six Degrees with Kevin Bacon, join Kevin for inspiring conversations with his friends and fellow celebrities who are working to make a difference in the world, like actor Mark Ruffalo. You know, I found myself moving upstate in the middle of this fracking fight, you know, and I'm trying to raise kids there., and, you know, my, my neighbors like willing to poison my water. Listen to Six Degrees with Kevin Bacon on the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcasts, or wherever

you get your podcasts. Get emotional with me, Radhita Vlukya, in my new podcast, A Really Good Cry. We're going to be talking with some of my best friends. I didn't know we were going to go there on this. People that I admire. When we say listen to your body, really tune going to go there on this. People that I admire. When we say listen to your body, really tune in to what's going on. Authors of books that have changed my life. Now you're talking about sympathy, which is different than empathy, right?

Never forget, it's okay to cry as long as you make it a really good one. Listen to A Really Good Cry with Rali Devlukia on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. The Black Effect presents Family Therapy, and I'm your host, Elliot Connick. Jay is the woman in this dynamic who is currently co-parenting two young boys with her former partner David. David, he is a leader. He just don't want to leave me.

Well, how do you lead a woman? How do you lead in a relationship? Like, what's the blue part? David, you just asked the most important question. Listen to Family Therapy on the Black Effect Podcast Network, iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.