On Purpose with Jay Shetty - Why You Haven't Healed From Your Break Up and How To Get Over Your Ex
Episode Date: February 9, 2024Have you been struggling to get over your ex? Do you want to find healing after a painful breakup? Then this episode is for you. Today, Jay will talk about the complexities of heartbreak and grief, sh...edding light on the profound emotional and physiological effects of romantic loss. He unravels the intricate workings of the human brain's obsession with love, exploring the biological and psychological mechanisms triggered by heartbreak. There are different physiological changes that occur in the body during a breakup, illuminating the intensity of emotions experienced in the aftermath of romantic dissolution. Through poignant anecdotes and expert insights, Jay navigates through the stages of grief, offering a compassionate understanding of the rollercoaster of emotions that accompany loss. From denial to anger, bargaining to depression, and ultimately acceptance, Jay guides listeners through the transformative journey of healing and growth. In this episode, you’ll learn: How to overcome a breakup The physical manifestations of a heartbreak The different stages of grief Whether you're in the midst of a breakup or seeking to support a loved one through their journey of healing, this episode offers invaluable insights to help you navigate the path forward with grace and resilience. With Love and Gratitude, Jay Shetty What We Discuss: 00:00 Intro 02:19 What Happens When Someone Breaks Our Heart? 03:54 The Human Brain Is Obsessed with Love 04:55 What Happens in the Body During a Breakup? 09:36 Why Breakups Are Comparable to Addiction Withdrawal 11:36 The Rage Room 13:58 The FIve Stage of Grief 16:38 THe First Stage - Denial 20:42 The Second Stage - Anger 23:03 The Third Stage - Bargaining 25:37 The Fourth Stage - Depression  27:33 The Final Stage - Acceptance 29:02 This is the Best Way to Describe Grief See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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I am Yann Levan Zant and I'll be your host for The R Spot.
Each week listeners will call me live to discuss their relationship issues.
Nothing will tear a relationship down faster than two people with no vision.
Right.
Because you all are just flopping around like fish out of water.
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I'm Eva Longoria.
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There's a lot of talk about mindfulness these days,
which is fantastic.
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more patient, less judgmental.
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com forward slash j-a-y. For 40% off, calm your mind, change your life. I think it's
so easy when you're going for a breakup
to be like, I'm going crazy, I'm going mad, but you're not.
There are good days and bad days and that's okay.
I'm going closer to the good days.
I'm recognizing my worth, I'm working with the therapist,
I'm working with the coach, I'm working on my self worth.
The number one health and wellness podcast.
Jay Shetty.
Jay Shetty.
The one, the only Jay Shetty. The one, the only. J Shetty.
Hey everyone, welcome back to On Purpose,
the number one health podcast in the world
thanks to each and every one of you
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Now, if you've been leaving reviews,
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There have been some incredible reviews recently
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make sure you've followed us well.
Again, it makes a huge difference to us
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And I know so many of you,
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or whether it's the thousandth time you're listening,
I deeply appreciate you being here.
Now, this episode came about because
I've met so many people in the last week
who've come up to me and said things like,
Jay, when I was going through a tough breakup,
I turned to your book, Eight Rules of Love,
or your podcast on purpose.
Or I've met so many people who tell me
that their friend is going through a really tough divorce.
And I've even met
people who've talked to me about a recent breakup they went through and how deeply it's
affected their self-worth and their self-esteem. Now if you've gone through a breakup and know
that you haven't healed yet, this episode's for you. If you're going through a breakup
right now, this episode's for you. And if your friend're going through a breakup right now, this episode's for you.
And if you're friends growing through a breakup right now, this is the episode to send them.
And if you've ever been broken up with, or even if you've broken up with someone and
you want to know how it affects them, what they go through, why they have acted irrationally
in the past, maybe you've let someone go for the right reasons, but their reaction
hasn't been rational. This episode will help explain what's happening in our brains, what's
happening in our minds, and why we behave the way we do when someone breaks our heart, or when you
break someone's heart. And I want to start off by just saying that as I dive into this,
feel free to take notes, take a screenshot of the moment that impacted you, and share on Instagram
and TikTok, what are the parts that really, truly stay with you. Now, the first thing I want to
start off with is this idea that the human brain absolutely loves love.
The human brain is obsessed with love.
It's why we're always seeking it.
It's why we're always after it.
Right, if you came to my live show,
I started off the show by letting you know
that the number one thing Googled,
when you type in, will I ever,
the first thing that comes up is will I ever find love? It's the most Google question for will I ever? The first thing that comes up is will I ever find love? It's the
most Google question for will I ever about the future, our biggest worry, our
biggest anxiety is will I ever find love? That's how big it is. And so the human
brain loves love. That's because when we experience love it releases dopamine and
it releases oxytocin. So that strong release creates this
feeling that we want to crave, that we want to experience, that we want in our lives.
But let's think about what happens when the opposite occurs. When there's a breakup,
the brain releases cortisol, the stress hormone, and epinephrine.
Studies show that breakups activate the area of your brain that processes craving and addiction.
Losing a relationship can throw you into a type of withdrawal, which is why it's hard
to function.
You ache for your ex, sometimes literally, and you can't get them out of your head.
This is like an addiction but the good
news is we can also overcome this. So you're seeing that on one side when we're experiencing
love dopamine and oxytocin, the chemicals that we want to feel and then cortisol even
though stress can be a great thing in the beginning of a relationship we feel that
excitement. The levels of cortisol when we go through a breakup are high and very difficult to
deal with. Too much cortisol in the brain studies show sends blood to the major muscle groups.
What happens is those muscles think that they're about to fight a threat, so they go into that
fight or flight mode. But the problem is, when you're being broken up with, there is no physical fight, right?
The muscles don't need that energy
and there's nowhere to express that energy
but that may be why we feel like
hitting people sometimes, right?
We've all seen movies where you wanna throw the dart
at the face of that person on the picture
or you wanna throw rocks at them or maybe you wanna punch them in the face of that person on the picture or you wanna throw rocks at them
or maybe you wanna punch them in the face, right?
That feeling comes from that fight or flight mode
but because there's nowhere to give that energy,
to release that energy, right?
Sometimes you wanna, you know,
movies give us lots of ideas.
You wanna scratch their car.
You wanna do all these things
but because most of us don't do those things,
what ends up happening is that that energy stays within our body.
This is what causes headaches.
This is what causes pain in our neck and our back.
And this is often why we feel so tight-chested and so heavy in our chest.
And so it's really interesting to me how even that aggression,
we start thinking sometimes, oh my gosh, I'm so aggressive.
Oh my God, they're so angry.
And really what's happening is that cortisol level is creating this desire for a physical altercation.
But because most of us control that sensation, the body keeps the score as that great book is titled.
The body keeps the score as that great book is titled. The body keeps the score and a lot of the time
that tight-chestedness, that feeling of being squeezed, that feeling of being under stress keeps it
in their body. Now what ends up happening is to ensure the muscles have an adequate blood supply,
cortisol diverts blood away from the digestive system. This is what causes everything from digestive issues,
cramps, stomach pain, stress in our gut.
And this of course can lead to appetite loss or diarrhea
or even cravings.
Just think about this for a second.
When was the last time when you were broken up with
and it led to bad food decisions?
When it led to you not feeling so great inside?
And so you can see that these aren't just irrational triggers.
This isn't because you're weak.
It's actually a chemical reason as to why we behave this way.
Then when the stress hormones are really accelerated, the immune system can struggle, which of course
makes us more prone to getting sick.
That's why there's the often thing known as the breakup cold or why our immune system
takes a hit.
One of the biggest things that happens here is that with that steady release of cortisol,
it starts to impact the quality of our sleep.
It starts to impact our ability
to make healthy decisions and choices.
This is why we start thinking, do I text them?
Do I message them?
Do I stalk them on social media?
Do I comment on their last post?
Do I ask my friend, what are they up to?
What are they doing?
It can often make us really irrational.
It can make us really do things
that are out of character. And I think, again, we've all experienced this either as the recipient
or as the person who does it. And I think we often look back at ourselves and we think,
God, why did I do that? I'm the worst. I'm so crazy. Or we think, oh, that person's gone crazy. Why are they acting that way? But we can see that cortisol and epinephrine
can have this impact on us mentally and emotionally.
And we can see why we start to act out
or while out because of this.
Now I'm painting this picture for us to empathize
with someone going through a breakup.
Because even if your friend friends growing through a breakup,
you're often thinking, we'll just get over it.
What's the big deal?
They weren't good for you anyway.
How many of us have said that to our friends?
They're not good enough for you.
Why are you giving them so much energy?
How are you still thinking about them?
You should be over this by now.
And it becomes a normal part of the conversation
we have with our friends who are being deeply
affected by a breakup.
The point I'm trying to get across to you is that breakups are tough.
They're chemically difficult.
They're emotionally challenging.
And they're soulfully troubling.
And the reason is because some other studies show that when you break up
with someone, you're almost experiencing what it feels like to detox from drugs. We get that
craving feeling of wanting them back in our life. We think, how can I live without them? This is the
same thing an addict feels when a drug that they're addicted to is removed from their daily consumption. Now that we're not daily
talking to this individual, now that we're not starting our day with their
text, now that we're not speaking to them every night, now that we're not seeing
them, now that we're not feeling that sense of physical touch, all of these things
act as an addict going through a detox process.
So it's really easy to make it feel like a breakup is just an emotional and mental feeling,
but it is in fact a chemical feeling.
But here's the good news. The good news is, despite the rising cortisol,
despite the rise in epinephrine, despite our muscles holding onto that emotion because
that emotion has nowhere to go, there are ways to solve it. The Grand Master, the Architect of Wisdom, Maharishi of Murth goes in search of joy.
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Welcome to the Overcomfort Podcast with Jenna Colopez. Yep, that's me. You may know my late mom, Jenny Rivera, my queen. She's been my
guiding light as I bring you a new season of Overcomfort Podcast. This season, I'll continue
to discover and encourage you and me to get out of our comfort zones and choose our calling.
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We're on this journey together. I'm opening up about my life and telling my story in my own words. Yes, you'll hear it from me first
before the cheeseman lands on your social media feed. If you thought you knew everything,
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led me to my biological father. everyone here my friends laugh but I'm
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Now some of the more quick, immediate ways to solve it,
because we have that desire for a physical release.
And this is why often people say,
if you're going through a breakup,
it's important to work out, it's important to move around.
But when we hear that, we think,
I don't wanna work out right now,
I just wanna stay in bed.
It's why there's something called the rage room that exists.
And it may be called something different in your city.
I remember I went with, rather, a few years ago, we made a YouTube video about it. We went to this place in LA
called the rage room. It's a room where you get given a baseball bat, goggles, and some overalls,
and you break things, old things. You break old computers, old fax machines, you break bottles,
you break all these things.
Now, what's really interesting is me and Radhi went in to see if it was fun.
We walked in unstressed, but we walked out very stressed, which was a really interesting experiment.
We found that when we went to do something destructive, when we didn't feel upset,
we walked out more stressed. And when we asked the person who worked there why that was,
they said, well, you're meant to come in here
when you are stressed in order to release it.
So again, don't go to it unless you're feeling that desire.
I just wanna punch them in the face.
I just, you know, I'm so mad and so angry.
It's important to release that rage.
And this is one of the biggest mistakes we make.
We think that rage makes us bad.
We think that the rage is not useful,
but it is a feeling that needs to be released
in a controlled, safe environment.
Some people like to burn old things,
old pictures, whatever it may be.
Again, this is a sign of us wanting to release that rage,
right? That feeling in our body of the cortisol that's brought about that fight
or flight and we don't have the ability to fight. But what we have to understand
is our biggest mistake when we're trying to heal is we don't allow ourselves to feel these things.
We also want to go from hurting to being fully healed.
We don't want to go through a process.
So we're hoping that one day we're gonna wake up
and this thing that we're feeling
is just going to disappear.
That's not how it works.
We have to understand that there's levels to our healing. And what we
have to do is focus on getting to the next level, not the complete level. Right? It's almost like
saying you're playing a game and you want to finish the game without going through all the levels.
You want to get to the end game without going through each of the segments and sections.
without going through each of the segments and sections.
So the three phases in our language are reeling, feeling, and healing.
Right, in the beginning you're reeling, you're shocked,
you're surprised, you can't believe it.
Then we have to allow ourselves to feel
and then the healing process starts.
Now, something known as the Kubler-Ross Five Stages of Grief shows the more clear steps
of what you're going to experience.
And the Kubler-Ross Five Stages of Grief was first developed for people who were unwell
or diagnosed with a illness.
But later they actually got likened for someone who is dealing with grief when
someone would lose someone they love. Now here's the interesting thing. We've realized now today
that loss doesn't just mean death, right? It means the end of a relationship. So loss doesn't
just mean you lost someone because they're no longer here You can even have the loss of a person you once knew you can have a loss of an identity
You once had being this person's partner
You have a loss of the idea of the future you wanted
You have a loss of the idea of who you thought someone was. These are all types of grief. Right?
Grief isn't just I lost them, they're no longer in my life. Grief also is the loss of a life we
thought we were creating, the loss of the marriage we imagined with this individual.
The more deeply we imagined and envisioned
the deeper that grief is experienced.
Just because you didn't have the life experience
doesn't mean you don't have the grief experience
because the grief experience is mental and emotional
more than it is physical.
And so often we underplay someone's grief
because we think, oh, they never, you know, come on, you weren't even together for that long.
Why are you overreacting?
But they're not because for them, they were together in their head in their mind.
They'd made commitments.
So the Kubler-Ross model has these stages.
The first stage is denial.
We are in denial.
Oh, they'll come back.
I know I'll get them back.
They're just going through a rough time.
You know, they're going to miss me.
There's a sense of denial, right?
It makes you pretend a little bit or it allows you to get used to the fact that something's happening but very slowly.
It's okay to feel denial.
I think often when someone's in denial we say no no no don't be in denial come on they're not coming back just be honest with yourself.
The point is it's a phase we need to go through because what's your mind is doing.
Is it slowly making you okay with the reality.
Right, if you immediately accepted
that your new reality was this person's gone,
that may be so emotionally painful
that the mind almost drip feeds you that information.
So the mind says, let's go into denial first.
Let's pretend like it's not happening, nothing's changed, everything's okay, it's just that kind of a moment.
So denying gives you time to gradually process what is happening.
And this is a common way in which we protect ourselves. And what it does is it allows us to create a defense
to the pain that we'd feel
if we allowed it to all happen at once.
And as we experience denial, slowly, slowly, slowly,
we start to rise to recognizing that may not be the case.
And again, when we see people in denial, We start to rise to recognizing that may not be the case.
And again, when we see people in denial, we're often like, come on, stop being in denial,
they're gone, wake up.
But actually they can't emotionally accept that.
They can't emotionally allow themselves to feel that
because it would be too painful.
And I think when we feel forced to experience
something, we know what that feels like. Like you can't do it. You're like, I physically can't
allow myself to feel that because I'll break. Right? That's how they feel. I physically can't
allow myself to feel that way because I have no idea what that's going to lead to. And I think
this is one of the reasons why we
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Now, the second stage of the Kubler-Ross model is anger.
Think, SZA kill Bill, right?
I was just at the Grammys,
which I was really lucky and happy to go to,
and SZA performed, and of course she performed kill Bill.
And I know you all know the lyrics,
but it's exactly that, right?
I might kill my ex, not the best idea.
His new girlfriend's next, how'd I get here, right?
But it's like, that's very real, right?
That anger you experience is real.
I might kill my ex. I still love him though
Rather be in jail than alone, right when you just hear those lyrics. It's like, you know what that's felt like
Right, you know what that's felt like and it goes back to that fight or flight feeling that I was speaking about before and
I
think what's really, really hard about the anger phase is that there isn't
an outlet, right? There is that feeling. And of course, you know, the lyrics go, I got me a therapist
to tell me that there's other men and I don't want none. I just want you. And if I can't have you, no one should." Right? And so that lyric is actually
the reality of the complexity of that situation. SZA absolutely nailed it. Right? It's such a great
definition and explanation of the emotions that are felt while the chemicals are happening
in the background. And it's such a challenging state, as I said,
because there isn't an outlet for that anger.
There isn't an outlet for that pain.
And this is why some people have a burn list,
or I remember I interviewed Nessa on the podcast,
she had a burn box on stage
where people would bring something to burn,
that they wanted to leave behind and let go.
And it's why those external rituals and practices are sometimes needed and necessary because
we need a way to release that anger.
Often it comes out talking to our friends and then our friends get tired of it.
We talk to our therapist about it, but it's almost like a physical feeling and a physical emotion that needs to be released.
The third stage of the Kubler-Ross model is called bargaining. Now, this stage is where
you start to feel a bit helpless and a bit hopeless, and you're trying to find ways to regain control.
So you say things like,
if only I had more time with him, he would have stayed.
If only I didn't work as hard,
they would be here right now.
If only, if only, if only.
I wish I did more of X. I wish I didn't do Y. I wish I wish I wish.
And this is the experience that we have of we're bargaining with ourselves.
We're trying to say, okay, now I need to take responsibility.
Right, I've denied that it's happening.
Now I've been angry at them,
and now I'm almost going inward
and turning that anger at myself as to,
I could have done better.
I should have done better.
I would have done better.
So we talked about denial, you just have to feel.
You have to allow that person to feel they're coming back,
it's gonna come around, even though you know it's not,
and you allow yourself to feel that as well,
because when you fight the denial,
or you try and force yourself forward,
it's like you're trying to skip a level of a game,
but you can't actually skip it
because there's vital lessons for you to learn
in that part of the game.
And the vital lesson there, even if you don't want it,
is they're not coming back, and my brain can't process everything at once, so I have to
allow my brain to process it gradually. With anger, like I said, you do want to find a
physical way to let it out. You do want to find a non-violent, non-aggressive, non-direct
way, whether it's the rage room, whether it's the burn list,
therapy of course, I recommend above all of these,
but there is a need to explore that anger
without exploding onto someone else or hurting yourself,
right, violence is never needed, never the answer,
any sort of damage to someone else
is probably anything is never the answer, not needed,
but we need a safe, controlled way to explore that.
Therapy is of course a great way,
friends is a fantastic way,
and then a safe physical way as well
that is not harmful to oneself
is something that people are using.
Now, the fourth step of the Kubler-Ross model is depression.
What's really interesting is that anger and bargaining
are more proactive and they're kind of like,
you're doing something about it, right?
There's a feeling of I need to take action,
whereas depression of course is far more of a passive
and experienced things.
And earlier on, you're like kind of not letting
yourself feel this way, but now you've kind of dealing with them, but it's bringing you down,
right? And this is what makes you want to go into isolation, which is not unhealthy, but not
fully healthy. You want to stay connected to people that love you and care for you you want to stay.
Grounded again with all of this i would recommend the help of a therapist i'd recommend the help of.
Friends to help you to understand all of this and this may feel where you feel really heavy you feel overwhelmed you feel.
Exhausted because now you're processing all those emotions that you initially denied. The denial has led to depression, right? Denial is you're saying it's not
real and depression is saying gosh I know it's real and this can sometimes be the
longest stage because the questions we're asking are will anyone ever love me or
am I lovable? Right, these are big questions.
You start asking these root questions.
Now it's not about them, it's about you.
And this is where therapy can be so powerful,
where coaching can be so powerful
because we need to learn to rebuild that inner self-esteem.
But now at least we're focusing on ourselves.
Right, that's the key tip in depression.
When you're experiencing that,
it's now saying, okay, I'm gonna rebuild myself.
I'm gonna start from scratch again,
and I'm gonna focus on,
will anyone ever love me?
Am I lovable?
Let me focus on that.
Let me build from that.
And the fifth and final stage is acceptance.
Now, acceptance is not like a happy or good feeling,
but it means that you're accepting
that the relationship is over.
You're accepting that you both had responsibility,
but you're accepting that you're on the right path,
that you've learned from this.
You've gone through something huge in your life,
but you're starting to realize that you've learned valuable lessons that are powerful. So you may
say things to yourself like it was right, but it still hurts. It's good that
it's ended, but it still causes me pain. Disacceptance is that oscillating place
of I know it was right, I get why it had to happen,
but that doesn't mean I don't feel pain.
Now the reason I'm walking you through these five stages
is all of a sudden you start to go, I'm not mad,
I'm not crazy, oh, I'm not delusional, this is natural.
And what your friends are feeling is natural.
I think it's so easy when you're going for a breakup
to be like, I'm going crazy, I'm going mad, but you're not.
I'm sure you've experienced all of these stages in it.
Acceptance is accepting.
I'm not mad.
I'm not crazy.
This is what had to happen.
And there are good days and bad days, and that's OK.
I'm going closer to the good days.
I'm recognizing my worth.
I'm working with the therapist.
I'm working with the coach.
I'm working on my self-worth. I want to end by sharing with you a beautiful
poem and piece called The Stone that was written by Jessica Watson. So I'm reading from Jessica
Watson. Listen to this. Jessica said that the best way she can describe grief is by carrying a stone in your pocket.
When you walk, the stone brushes against your skin. You feel it, you always feel it.
But depending on the way you stand or the way your body moves, the smooth edges might barely graze your body.
Sometimes you lean the wrong way or you turn too quickly
and a sharp edge pokes you. Your eyes water and you rub your wound but you have to keep going
because not everyone knows about your stone or if they do they don't realize it can still bring
this much pain. There are days you are simply happy now. Smiling comes easy and you laugh without thinking. You slap your leg during that
laughter and you feel your stone and aren't sure whether you should be
laughing still. The stone still hurts. Once in a while you can't take your hand
off that stone. You run it over your fingers and roll it in your palm and are so preoccupied
by its weight, you forget things like your car keys and home address. You try to leave it alone but
you just can't. You want to take a nap but it's been so many years since you've called in sad,
you're not sure anyone would understand anymore or if they ever did.
But most days you can take your hand in and out of your pocket, feel your stone and even
smile at its unwavering presence.
You've accepted this stone as your own, crossing your hands over it saying mine as children
do.
You rest more peacefully than you once did. You've learned to move
forward the best you can. Some days you want to show the world what a beautiful memory you're holding,
but most days you twirl it through your fingers and smile and look to the sky. You squeeze your
hands together and hope you're living in a way that honors the missing piece you carry
you're living in a way that honors the missing piece you carry until your arms are full again.
I love that piece by Jessica Watson. I hope you'll remember it and read it and listen to it again and again. The Stone by Jessica Watson. And the last thing I'll leave you with is this
understanding that the stone doesn't get smaller but you get bigger, you get stronger
that the stone doesn't get smaller, but you get bigger, you get stronger, and that makes it feel smaller. The real path to healing is becoming the best version of yourself.
When you become the best version of yourself, the parts of yourself that are affected by
that weakness and weight start to become lighter and brighter and easier.
Thank you so much for listening to On Purpose.
I hope you'll share this with a friend.
I hope you'll pass it along to someone in your life
who's struggling with any type of grief.
And I hope that this has benefited you deeply.
And I'm sending you so much love.
Thank you for listening.
See you soon.
If you love this episode,
you're going to love my conversation with Matthew Hussey love. Thank you for listening. See you soon. compassion to your future self is doing something that gives him or her a shot at a happy and
a peaceful life.
The Street Stelik podcast is back.
We are combining hip hop lyrics and quotes from some of the greatest who ever grace a
microphone.
It's a line from Lauren Hill and she says, don't be a hard rock when you really are a
gem.
Along with ancient wisdom from some of the greatest philosophers of all time.
Xenica, right? And he says, your mind will take shape of what you frequently hold in thought,
for the human spirit is colored by such impression. Listen to season two of the
Street Stoke podcast on the iHeart radio app, Apple podcast, or wherever you get your podcasts.
Craig Ferguson goes in search of joy, in talks with actors, doctors, stand-ups, and scientists, podcast or wherever you get your podcasts. Don't miss it. Joy with Craig Ferguson. Hear it now on the iHeart radio app,
Apple Podcast or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm here to help.