Oversharing - A Good Compromise Is Where Both People Are Unhappy

Episode Date: September 27, 2022

This week, Naomi was inspired to stop covering her gray hair which sparks the conversation about accepting yourself for who you truly are. The Oversharing email of the week is from a listener who is weighing her options for how to juggle spending Christmas with her and her husband’s family. Both Naomi and Jordana agree that she will have to focus on finding the best compromise rather than fighting to keep her childhood traditions alive. They move on to a Betchicist submission where a listener asks - can you tell your boyfriend that it bothers you he doesn’t pay for more things? How can you go about it without sounding “old fashioned"? They end on some Triggered scenarios around others discouraging your weight-loss journey, feeling left out, and nosy geriatric patients. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

A quick note before we get into the episode, Oversharing is a podcast for entertainment purposes only. It is not a medical podcast and does not constitute medical or psychological advice. Always seek the advice of your physician or mental health professional. Hello and welcome back to Oversharing. I'm Jordana Abraham and I'm Dr. Naomi Bernstein. So great to be back. We record these like fresh on Monday morning.

So they're just like, it's a nice way to enter the week. I agree. I get all settled, get my. get my coffee and week starts up with oversharing. I actually really do. I like it as a first shot out of the box for the week. Same. And I was just commenting before we started about your hair, which looks great. Looks like you got a nice blowout. You've got great hair. I assume you get that from your dad's side. I don't know. My dad's pretty bald, so I don't know. Maybe there's some. His mother had long. Women on that side. I think your hair also changes once you have.

menopause, so I think it's a different thing. But thank you. I'm actually trying out this new thing of not coloring my hair anymore. So I don't know. We'll see how that goes. I just got kind of tired of the idea that I would have to color, you know, once you get a certain age. Like, I don't know, even know if you color hair, but it's, I don't. And it's like every six week. Are you don't yet? Good. That's great. I'm waiting for the first gray. You don't have a single gray hair. Not that I've seen. Wow, that's really great. Unless I'm just like not observant or not wearing my glass. I'm sure. I'm sure you're not.

So I don't have any kids yet. Maybe they come in like as soon as soon as you start. Well, you know what happens is like it's a little bit and then like I would just color it just to be like, whatever, I don't want to look at this. So I'm going to color it. And then after a while it's kind of like now there's like a definitive line coming in. And if I don't color every six weeks, it's like there's gray's coming in. and I just, you know, I'm pretty low maintenance person.

So I was like, I'm really going to do this every six weeks forever. And then I thought maybe I'll just try to let it go. So I would give, I mean, I don't know. You're probably not going to want to do this. Many of the listeners are probably not going to want to do this. But looking back, I almost wish that I never would have done it because then it would just be like a natural like salt and peppery kind of thing. And now there's like this line, this like roots line that's not as just kind of going gray gracefully as if I would have just left it alone.

And silver is a pretty color. It's not like it's coming in like hot pink or something crazy. It's like a pretty color, but it's just the connotation that gray hair has that makes it feel. Right. I mean, arguably it's a prettier color than brown. Right. Do you think about it? If you're going to buy a car, are you going to buy silver or gray?

or are you going to buy brown? Like, it's nice color. Right. So. Yeah, I think it's interesting. It's because it's sort of, I mean, it speaks to just aging in general, like, especially. I would say not especially, but kind of only for women. Like, you're now caught in this strap of like the Botox and the, and the hair dye and all

these things to like pretend that you're not the age you are to seem younger. We don't have to do any of that stuff. They are supposedly looking better as they age. That makes them look like more distinguished. Right. It's really not fair. And I think I want to also in some ways try to practice what I preach in terms of acceptance. You know,

so you can't be accepting your aging while at the same time. And it's one thing, I guess if you're doing certain things that are in general healthy for you to protect you against certain aspects of aging, like, you know, drinking water and not smoking and doing things like that or even, you know, even, I guess, I don't know, even Botox if you're doing that like once a year or something, but every six weeks be looking in the mirror and fighting against this thing felt to me a little bit like I just wanted

to lean into it a little bit. So we'll see. Right. Honestly, I think you could pull it off. I don't know that I could. I think you, well, that's why I have the blowout because I think you need like a nice sleek look if you're going to go. Like the wiry, like frizzy gray isn't exactly a great look as like a nice smooth sleek. Yeah, it has a different vibe. And I also just think you kind of give off

these like Mother Earth type vibes, which you kind of go with. Exactly what I'm going for. Thank you. Grandmother Willow. Let's back that up. Yeah, I mean, it is, it's funny, but I always think about this.

like, where's the line? And again, I've gotten Botox. I would like to look young for a while. I think, I'm kind of like, where's the line between Botox or hair dye and makeup and, you know, Spanx and, you know, all these things. Like, I do kind of feel like it's personal preference. Like, if that's, like, something that gives you pride and you want to, like, you enjoy the maintenance of it, then I think it's fine.

Right. If it feels, like, unnatural. feel like for you it doesn't feel, I agree, it doesn't feel like something that you kind of preach, something that you speak about. It doesn't feel like your vibe necessarily. Not that you're, again, not that you're like going into constant bouts of plastic surgery, but I just don't really feel like you're one of those, like I need to keep up appearances. Right. Physically, kinds of people. Right.

But there's nothing wrong with if that's you. It's just kind of like staying true. I think it's more about staying true to who you are. You know, and I think acceptance means different things for different people. You're so, you know, you could be like, I'm aging and I'm accepting the parts of aging that there are nothing, there's nothing I can do about them. You know, like if your hair is something, you can do something about and you don't mind doing it, then go for it. And there are going to be plenty of things that come with aging that there's nothing you can do about and you can lean into just accepting those parts of it. But I think it's when you get into that place where you're just like not able to accept your. as you are, where it just ends up creating the mental strife that, you know, it's like

you're swimming upstream at a certain point, which is where I got to with the hair, where I'm like, I'm just not going to keep doing this. Yeah. And I've had like a, I mean, not the same experience, but I went off birth control like six months ago. And it's funny, I always thought I had great skin. I was like, I just have great skin. Like I'm courtesy of genetics. Sure. Now I'm like, oh, this is who I actually am. I do not have great skin, like, at all. Like, my skin is actually pretty bad. Right.

And that was, like, a big psychological hurdle for me. Mm-hmm. Where I'm like, oh, I was living in like a delusional fantasy where I thought that I... Totally. You know, knew my body or knew who I was. And then I go off this external thing. And I'm like, this is who I am.

And it was, like, very upsetting for me in the beginning, especially because that was like sort of something that I internalized as something about me. and also just like the idea that like I feel like if I had always had bad skin my current skin wouldn't have bothered and it's funny my dermatologist said the same thing she's like everyone who comes in here

like people who have always struggled with acne like they don't they're not that upset about it but the people who suddenly have like adult acne they're right it's really upsetting for them and at first I was like you know it actually made me like not want to go out I felt very self-conscious about it

I was trying to cover it up And then eventually, after a few months, I was just kind of like, I'm doing what I can do, but also like, this is just what it looks like. Yes. And I have to like, and you kind of feel like, oh, are people looking at me? Are they judging me? Do they think I look terrible? And maybe they are.

But at the end of the day, it's sort of like, this is the reality of where I am right now. Totally. Yep. It's really interesting experience because, like you said, it's like all relative to what you're used to for yourself. And even like you said, kind of you created a little identity around having nice skin. And then it's gone. But I think it's, all these things I think are an opportunity to accept yourself.

And that is going to bring you the most piece, you know, out of anything that you can do, just accepting whatever it is, whether it's weight or your skin or your hair or, you know, whatever comes your way. But I do think that, you know, like if you go out and you meet a friend and she has like a couple of pimples on her cheek, you're not, like, you might notice it. You're like, oh, she's got a couple pimples. Well, now I would like it. I'd be like, great. I feel better at myself. Totally. Totally. Misery loves company. But you're not going to think about it beyond that one second of maybe noticing it and moving on with your life, you know, or even like you said, you might feel like, oh,

great, she's human too. Like, she's not perfect. That makes me feel a little bit more comfortable. So I think sometimes thinking about how you'd react to other people that have that thing, like I saw this woman and you know we were out in a restaurant and I saw and that's what kind of inspired me. I saw this woman who had this like she had a young looking face and she had this beautiful gray hair. And I wasn't thinking like, oh, what a hag. I was like, wow, she's like really owning it. And I thought it was super cool, you know, so I think you have to, you know, sometimes remind yourself like, I'm not going to really be judging other people for pimples on their face or having gray hair. and they're probably not going to be judging me either.

And if they are, then I don't really care what that person thinks about me because they're not like a super kind person. I agree. It does feel, I think, easier to do and to say if you are in a relationship and especially in a long-term relationship where you feel like you kind of have nothing to prove or nothing. You're not trying to win anyone. Like almost when you're dating, like part of dating is sort of thinking about

what other people think of you. You know, you go on a date. You're like, what outfit do I want to? Like, it's all about the person. judgment of someone else. And so I think a lot of this acceptance stuff, and I hear, I think we should probably, we could probably do a whole episode on that in the future. But I think it's just a very, and I do believe that confidence is the most attractive

thing. Yes. But I can be more experimental now. Yes. That, you know, I'm not, if I had the skin and I was going on dates, I think it would be, I wouldn't be like, it is what it is. I just don't feel like I would do that. And maybe you, if you were, if you were like dating at this age, you might be like,

well, is he going to think I'm old? Is he going to think that I'm, you know, whatever it is? I think it's a totally different program. So I think we should do, maybe in the future, we'll do a whole episode on dating and self-acceptance and confidence because I just think that's definitely something I struggled with. I'm sure a lot of the listeners do too. For sure.

And, you know, I think ultimately what you're all looking for is someone who's going to accept you and love you just the way you are. It doesn't start off like that. It starts off with like, let me just hook. you with all this external stuff. Then I'll tell you who I am. Right. And then I will reveal the truth.

So yeah, but I think ultimately that's when the fireworks happen in the beginning, like in this attraction sexual way. But the real like falling in love piece, the real deep forever love piece comes from when you take off that cloak and you show the person all the things that you've been afraid to show them and then they love you anyway. That's like what I think everybody's really looking for. So that's why in dating, I think there's a period of time in the beginning where, yes, you want to put your best foot forward. But within a few, this is my, you know, personal take on this. And you may disagree. But within a few weeks, within the first few dates, maybe four or five dates,

you really have to start to just show who you are. And if that person is in anyway, then they're in. They're going to be more into you in some cases. Right. Then the connection is deep. And then they can open up and they can show, believe me, there are parts of them also that they're not showing you because they're afraid that you're not going to like it.

So once you can both kind of come out from hiding about who you really are, the parts of yourself, like you show your skin without makeup on it or, you know, you, whatever it is, you come over with a baggy t-shirt and aren't having the most sexy vibes all the time or whatever your thing is that you're not, that you're not willing to show. Once you show that, that's when you bring the relationship to another level. And yes, I do think because of human nature, there has to be that little period, short period in the beginning of just doing all the right things. But pretty quickly, I think it makes sense to see if someone's going to love you for who you really are. But I agree.

with you. It's not easy to go out and date with gray hair. It's not easy to go out and date with like a bad acne breakout. But I think ultimately the person that you're really looking for is probably, I know you're not going to want to do it, but they're not going to judge you on those things. If they're right. Or if they are, they do, then that's not a match for you. That's not someone who's ever going to be interested in what you're doing. And that's fine. I mean, that's sort of what dating's about, like, going out and finding out what you like and what you don't like. If something's a big turnoff for you. then it's just not going to be, this person's not for you. Right. Yeah. And I honestly, I mean, I don't know, but I honestly think that men are not going to be so, if there's a beautiful girl like you that was going out dating and you had some pimples on your cheek, like, I really don't think that a guy is going to be like, nope, she's out.

She had pimples. For me, and again, I think the worst part of it, more than the pimples would be if I would be like constantly trying to like cover my cheek or like self, push your hair in front of your Right. Or like going to the bathroom to like make sure it's covered or something like that. Like I think that's probably the bigger impediment to the connection or like the turnoff is like the lack of confidence in it or like the clear self-consciousness about it than the actual thing itself. Or it's like this is, you know, it's not that big of a deal. You almost make it a bigger deal by the cover up. It's worse than the crime, as they say.

Yeah. It's a today's episode because we've got some good emails. All right. Let's see, what do we have here? Okay, I'll read the first one. Today is overshared. It's long. So she's definitely overshared. All right.

Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi. I have been listening to the Potsons episode one, big fan. I'm hoping you can help me out with this mounting stress over the upcoming holidays. A few days ago, my husband sat me down to let me know that we need to figure out what our plan was for the upcoming holidays because, and I quote, my mom wants to know when she'll be getting an equal share of Christmas. All right. It's out there. I have to sit you down. We have to talk about Christmas.

It's funny how, like, I feel like as soon as Labor Day hits, I feel like the holiday anxieties start seeping in. So here's the back story. My husband and I met in New York City and we are building our life here. He is an only child from New Jersey where his parents divorced and his mother widowed on her second husband both reside. My family, my parents and my five siblings with their own spouses plus nieces and nephews live in Wisconsin.

Christmas is the big holiday in my family of origin. And a number of years ago, my siblings and I agreed that the family. the one holiday we'd like to maintain together annually is Christmas Day. As I'm sure you know, coming from a big family, it can be hard to get everyone in one place for every single day each year, so we vowed to make this a priority. To make matters a little more complicated, my parents own a seasonal retail business, along with two of my siblings, and their work schedules are very demanding before and after Thanksgiving, making it not worth it to travel to Wisconsin for the short turkey day break, and also hectic right up until December 24th. For the past two years, my husband and I got married in 2020,

we hosted Thanksgiving at our apartment in New York City with both of his parents driving into the city to celebrate with a few close friends. Then we'd travel out to New Jersey for a few days before Christmas, approximately December 21st to 23rd. Talk about it overshare.

To do Christmas with each of his parents separately before traveling onto Wisconsin for Christmas Eve slash Christmas Day. In my mind, this has been the perfect arrangement. His parents got to see us both on Thanksgiving and then again for a pre-Christmas vet and then we traveled to my family for Christmas knowing it won't ever be possible

for my entire family, 15 people and counting, to travel to New York City for Christmas. It's simply impossible with my parents' small business, the expense of flights, 15 versus two, and the fact that my parents have beds and bunk beds for all, and all we have is the couch in our small one bedroom. My mother-in-law recently brought up the topic with my husband one-on-one, and when relaying to me, he said that we need to figure out how we'll be splitting Christmas going forward. I was more than a little caught off guards, and she knows how hard it is for my family to gather, and I thought we had a really nice tradition going.

He laid out a few options for me to think about. See below, and I've included my thoughts on each. Option one. We alternate Christmas years in New Jersey and Wisconsin doing a few days pre-year post in the alternate location. For example, one person gets prime dates and the other gets the following at alternating years. My issue.

His family still gets Thanksgiving due to the reasons outlined above. Option two. His mother travels to my family for Christmas. My issue. Not fair to my other sibling spouses who see my family instead of theirs on Christmas day, including another widow and a similar. situation. Also, there's not a separate guest bathroom slash bedroom, so she'd get a hotel. Option three. We split up the holiday with my husband spending a Christmas in New Jersey and me

heading to Wisconsin. My issue, this sucks all around. To add insult to injury, there are no traditions intact on my husband's side, and it almost brings me to tears to imagine a Christmas with no home-cooked meal, no tree or decor to make it cheery, missing my siblings all gathered around me, et cetera. I'm in desperate need of your advice. Thanks so much for reading. All right. This is a good question. I think a lot of people can probably relate to this and have these similar types of issues. Yeah, I mean, we can relate, especially coming from a big family. It's true. There's always going to be sort of like one is more convenient and one is less convenient and she has 15 people that need to travel and they're only two. And, you know, it is difficult. But I ultimately, I think that there has to just be compromise here. And I think that this listener, although I understand how she feels, I relate to the intense feeling of, like she says, she almost feels like brings her to tears to imagine doing Christmas without her family. I think that she's going to have to budge here. For him, the alternative is he's

literally, if she gets what she wants, he literally will never spend Christmas Day or Christmas Eve with his family ever again, which I just don't think is fair. I agree. I think she's being a little, like, negative about all of these scenarios. To me, the way she's laying out is that she's not really trying to make it work. She's like, well, here's, and it seems like her husband did a great job here. Spoke to his mom. He presented, he thought about it.

He presented all these options. She gets to choose, choose your thing. She is basically like, I don't want to compromise. And there's an issue with all of the, with all the things you presented. they're not perfect for me. Right. So I don't want, I'm not going to do any of them.

And I really don't think that's the way to make a marriage work. Every option gives her stuff. You can pick like one thing that annoys you, but you can't pick like three. So if the issue is truly that you want to spend Christmas with your family, then like, I think it's kind of rude to be like,

and your mom can't come. Yes. Because she'd have to get a hotel. Like pay a little, get her up in a hotel. Get her like a little bit of, I think that's like, to me,

that's like the nicest. solution in the whole thing. Then you get exactly what you want. And she just gets to join. She's one person. Right. I thought the same thing. I think option two, if his mother is open to it and he's open to it because option two doesn't include his father, which he's probably not thrilled about, but it sounds like a nice compromise on his part that his mother is willing to come to your family, which she's probably not super thrilled about because I'm sure she'd rather do her own thing as most people would, I would think, on a big holiday like that and not have to travel on Christmas. So option two, where his mother travels to your family, I would be putting her up in the Ritz

Carlton and laying out the red carpet just because she's willing to do this thing to make everybody on your side super comfortable. So I would definitely invite her and invite the other siblings, spouses, mothers who want to come. I think if you're going to insist that you do this at your house, you have to include everybody. They might not come all the way to Wisconsin, and that's like sort of, I guess, the point. But I don't think that the spirit of Christmas is like no one else is allowed. And, you know, because you said the one thing you agreed on is that you're all going to try to be together on this holiday. But it sounds like part of that.

She says that the other spouses who see their family instead of theirs, it's not fair to them. But like, again, do you have a rule like no outside family allowed or is it just that you guys are going to all see each other? Right, exactly. I think you need to include everybody, especially again, like if his mother's a widow and she's literally going to be alone on Christmas and your siblings, you know, in-laws, there's a widow and she has nobody to be with, it really doesn't seem like it's in the spirit to, you know, just say, well, we made this pact and now we're going to leave all these widowed women to sit alone in their house on Christmas with no children. So I think option two sounds wonderful to. include everybody who's willing to travel to come along. And I do think option one is another great option if at some point they're not willing. I think a lot of people kind of do every other. And so to validate this listener, and I think this is a bigger picture and this is a place where the two of them can gain a little bit more connection, it's really hard when you get married to part of marriage, and this sounds bad, but some of it is like grieving.

some losses of your childhood and your traditions with your family that you're not going to always get to participate in the same way. There's beautiful blessings where you get to include your spouse every other year whenever they're willing to come and you get to share in that. And that's so wonderful to share your family traditions with your spouse. But there is a part of it that is going to feel like a loss because you're losing, at least in part, some of these very special childhood traditions. And I think it's something worth talking about. and talking about it in a vulnerable, soft way of like, it's going to be really sad for me on those years when I'm coming to Christmas in New Jersey.

It's going to be really hard. It's going to be sad. I'm going to be missing that. And have your partner be supportive in a way that's like this is part of us joining our lives and creating new traditions together is that it's not going to be exactly the same as it was. Right. Or it could be the same and you could just fly this woman out. But, I mean, there's like a very, like, famous.

saying that I didn't make up that like a good compromise is something where both people are unhappy. But like I think it's more, I think the bigger lesson for her if she's thinking about marriage like you said as a whole is like not everything's going to be exactly how you want it when you want it because that's sort of like the point. Like there's an entire other person with their own wants and needs next to you. And like that's almost the biggest thing. It's like when you're single, you're kind of, I think under the impression. that everything you do is the best way to do everything. And then being married almost like holds a mirror up to you is kind of like, well,

here's some of the issues with like the way that you do things. And again, this isn't necessarily an issue. But I think the larger part of it is like being open to someone else's wants and needs is going to be actually the key to a long, healthy marriage. And this is just a specific example of that. But I think if she approached every compromise that her husband brought to her with this kind of like negative energy. Right. It would be, that's almost to me like the biggest issue. Well, it's like, well, this is why all three options don't work perfectly for me. So I'm not going to do

them. Right. I see that. And look, I think these, it's very loaded. I'm hoping that she's not like this in other ways. She might be. But I think this issue of family holidays is very loaded for a lot of people because it just is really emotional. And the idea of, you know, not being able to do that again or missing out on that special time is really heavy. But yeah, I agree with you. I think that the compromise piece is she's lacking here, especially because he gives her some great options. Number two, I would, I think that's a steal. I think that's a do. I would clinch number two, because if she's willing to come and he's willing to say, okay, I'm going to leave my dad behind, but at least I'll have my mother and she'll be happy. I think I would take that one. And here's the other thing. Sometimes people don't even really want to go,

but they just want to be invited. Right. Like, If you give option too, and I've learned that with a lot of family members or just people in general, like, if you just feel like welcoming and they know they have the option to go there, she might be like, this seems like a hassle. I'm not actually going to do that. But just the idea, like you then it's win-win for you because then you're like, oh, I'm welcoming. I've extended the olive branch. You know you're always welcome here. Right. And then like, again, if she comes, it's like unless you hate her and she's like a toxic negative energy, like, it's not going to be a big issue for you. She's just going to be like, like you said, in a hotel and then just coming for the day and like made so happy by that. And I am willing to bet that she doesn't come every year. Right. Personally. Yeah. And look at honestly, I think if she, I agree with you. But if she did, this is an opportunity for you to create a new tradition. Like you cannot, by nature, traditions are things that people really don't want changed. That's part of the concept of it. But when you get married, you have to create new traditions

that incorporate your partner's traditions and what they want. So, you know, his mother coming for Christmas and his mother baking her, you know, apple pie or whatever it is, is going to be part of your new family tradition, if that's what ends up happening. I hear you, maybe she won't come, but I think you do have to be open to the idea that it can't just be, he marries you and now Christmas is exactly the way it was for you before he got there every single year going forward and he loses his entire Christmas. So I don't think that that's fair. I think you need to lean into creating new family traditions that involve some aspects of his family. I agree. Okay, I think we helped. All right. I hope so. I'm sure other people are going to be dealing with this.

compromise. Let's get into our ethical email. All right, I'll read this one. Betcha says, let's do this. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Bernstein. My question today is kind of two parts. Can you tell your boyfriend that it bothers you he doesn't pay for more things or are there some issues in a relationship that you just can't discuss? The problem here is he pays for about 50% of the things we do together, maybe slightly less. And I would agree that 50-50 is fair, yet here I am feeling upset when the bill comes and he doesn't reach for his wallet. I always offer and it feels like he takes me up on it far too much. I wouldn't consider myself old-fashioned, but suddenly it started to really bother me how much he talks about making lots of money and getting a raise, yet I don't feel, quote, unquote,

taking care of. I can afford to split things 50-50. It's not about the money, really. It just doesn't make me feel great. However, I can only imagine how I would sound if I brought it up. So is this something I just have to accept or do you have any advice for me? Thanks so much. I think this is such an interesting one for, you know, for the year that we're in. Like, I could struggle with this too, where it's like, yeah, I believe in equality of the sexes, right? I believe in, you know, in a perfect world, we can split everything and we're all completely equal. However, it feels nice to have a guy pay for the first date or it feels nice to have your boyfriend or your husband, and take you to dinner. And I don't know if she's even saying this in a gender roles way, but it does,

she says taken care of, which to me is like steeped a little bit in the gender norms of like the woman is being taken care of. Right. Well, if you imagine this being written by a man about his girlfriend, it would sound just odd because of gender norms. Right. Like if the man was saying, I don't feel taken care of because she doesn't pay for dinner. Yeah. And I get that. And, I mean, I've struggled with that too on occasion. I think that there's like, there's a sense of I can make it on my own, but I don't know if I want to or I don't know. What do you think? I wonder here, because she says it's not about the money.

And I do think there's this, there's still this old fashioned lingering thing about the chivalry of a man paying for things that I think is just seeped into our culture. However, I think for her, I wonder. and she uses the phrase taken care of, I wonder if there's other areas where it's lacking and maybe it feels stronger in this particular area. And this is a very black and white example. Black and white. He pays or he doesn't pay.

Right. And sometimes what I, twofold. One, I wonder if there's some other things that he's not doing. So let's say he's, you know, taking care of her and maybe he's not even like sexually, maybe he's not taking care of her or not making her a priority, or maybe in terms of just things like buying her, the chocolates that she likes, or doing nice little gestures for her that make her feel taken care of,

or offering to give her a massage, or just offering to emotionally take care of her, ask her about her day, or I wonder if there's other areas where she's feeling this and this one's coming to light because it's black and white and also perhaps coming to light. I think a lot of times this happens with couples. if you're in front of other people or you're seeing things that other people are doing or you're going out with other couples and the man is always paying.

And it's like an interesting phenomenon. And I don't know how this is with your friend group, but if you go out with a bunch of couples, it's like the guys that are pulling out the cards, right? And even if like, even if the girl is paying, and maybe I'm wrong, you can correct me. We have a shared credit card and like Mike is always paying, but like he's paying with our card.

It feels like he's paying, but he's not paying. So it's such a weird thing. Like, why is he pulling out the card? And it's kind of almost a show. Like, if you guys go out alone together, is he still pulling out the card versus if you go out with other couples who's pulling out? Like, it's almost, there's still this cultural thing that, like, the guy has to put the

card on the table. Even like you said, if you have a shared credit card or in this case, they don't. But is she seeing that her friend's boyfriends are paying? And then that's what's making her want her boyfriend to pay more, even though, like she said, she's not really about the money and she doesn't really care. So two things. One is, is it like a thing where you're comparing yourself to other people? And are there other ways that maybe you're lacking?

So as far as bringing this up, that was her question, right? Can she bring it up and how? I think if she's listening to this and she's thinking, are there other ways that I'm not feeling taken care of, then I think she can bring that up as a whole. You know, like I'm craving some more caretaking in our relationship and whatever it might be, whether it's like he notices that she's out of, you know, hand soap and he comes over and says, oh, I noticed you were out of hand soap. I'm bringing some over or just some little thoughtful gestures or doing something kind for her.

If he's not doing those things, or like I said, maybe sexually he's being selfish or whatever else is going on, I would pay attention to what it really is. And if it really is about this, she might want to question why this particular thing, if it's really not about the money and he is taking care of her in every other way, why this is bothering her. Maybe there's a fear long term. If they have kids, will she be able to support? Will he be able to support her?

Will they have a lifestyle that she's looking for? So I don't think it's really about the paying for dinner. I think there's probably a bigger picture, whether it's about being taken care of in general, or maybe it's about some future fear of like a future together and what he's going to be able to or what type of lifestyle they're going to be able to afford together. Right. Yeah. I'd like to think about it also in the other way around too.

I agree with that. It's probably not about this thing in particular. But like, you know, how would she feel if he was like, you know, I would like there to be dinner on the table when I get home? I would make me feel taken care of. Right. I'm not saying, again, this is like. terrible or great to hear from anyone. But it's kind of like, it also kind of gives you,

I don't think it's bad or good to have that feeling. I just kind of feel, and if that's who you are and that's what you value and the other person doesn't, is not interested in that, it's good to know that. Right. Like part of me is, is a fan of just owning your preferences, even if they are not traditionally okay or gender equality. Like, this is what you like and this is your preference. It's not, doesn't make you bad.

It doesn't make you good. It's kind of what makes you feel good. And if the other person's kind of like, that's not kind of how I operate or that's not really what I'm looking to do, then it's good to know that. Right. You know, rather than they're in a dating stage than a married stage. Totally. And then I think like, you know, because that's where resentment lies if you don't say that ever.

And the person thinks they're with something, like to bring it back to the beginning of the conversation that we had at the beginning of the episode, it's like the person doesn't know who they're dating. The person they're dating likes when the guy picks up the check. It makes them feel good. And that, and he might not be into that. And maybe you're not as much of a match as you think you are. And I think it's the kind of thing where you could let it go, but you might, it might show up in other ways as you're going forward. And it's, it's a good thing to know. And maybe the person's, maybe that's not their thing, but they're willing to do it because it doesn't matter that much to them. And I like to think of the dinner example too of like, I like when I'm

working from home that whoever I'm with, like, if they brought me like, they brought me lunch or they made me a sandwich, I would like that. Right. And if the other person's like, well, that's not really like something I'm interested in doing. Neither person is wrong, but maybe you're not as compatible as you thought you would be. Right. Right. I do think this needs to be either one or two things. Either she needs to do some introspection about what she's really looking for or why she really needs this. Maybe there's a lack of romance in the relationship is another thing. Like sometimes just the gesture of paying for a meal makes the meal feel like more

romantic. And maybe he can make it more romantic in another way. Maybe he can make the dinner reservation and pick the spot and plan a night and, you know, do something like that. Even if you're still splitting it, he's putting the effort into. I think firstly, I would be introspective about why you want this. And if you want it, just like you said, because you just want it or you feel like it's romantic or chivalrous or just something that's really important to you, I do think that it's okay to communicate that in a way that sounds sort of like when we go out to dinner, it really makes me feel cared for and taken care of when you pay for it. And it would mean a lot to me if you would do that more often. And if it's an issue of he doesn't have the money or it's going to be financially stressful for him, then you have to find a way for him to make that elsewhere, you know, like maybe you buy the groceries or whatever you want to do to even it out

if it really is. And this is a good way to find out. Is it a financial burden for him to do that? He talks about making lots of money and getting a raise. Yet I don't feel taking care. I think that part would probably annoy me more. I kind of agree with her where she's like, I start to get irritated that he's talking about how much money he's making and he's not paying. Right. Yeah. And it's also just sort of like, like, I think that boils down to like the future piece. Like, is he just like hoarding up all this money for himself? He's not really sharing it with me. Is this going to be something that's going to be an issue going forward versus like if someone, you want to feel like a team? Like his win is your win.

Like you guys are in this together. I got this bonus or I got this. I'm going to take us on a trip. I'm going to take us out to dinner. I'm going to do something nice for us as opposed to him just taking his raise and putting in his bank account and then you guys continuing to split dinner. Right. And her, I think there's nothing wrong with saying, like you said, makes me feel really great when you treat me to dinner. I love that. Maybe bring it up at the time that he does it. Right. You can start that way. If that doesn't sink in. I think sometimes that does work, that's all it takes, kind of like we talked about last time with don't shoot the dog. The book about like the dolphin training where it's like sometimes all it takes is someone to like hear and see that you physically are like positively reacting to them doing something for them to do it more. Totally. And then if that doesn't work. then you berate them until they feel terrible about themselves and then they do it and then they'll angrily slap their card on the table at every meal and it feels weird yeah when they do do it still doesn't feel good that's the other route that you know i used to take first which does not recommended no that's a good way to go about it but i guess to her to answer her question directly can you tell

your boyfriend that it bothers you think he doesn't pay for more things i think yes but i would phrase it. I would start, like I just said, phrasing it in the what does make me feel good. Yes. The next time he does it, be positive. Say this really means a lot to me. I really appreciate when you take care of dinner. It feels really romantic. And even saying like, that's an opportunity to open up conversation of like, are there things that you would, that feel really good when I do them for you? Or what can I do more for you that makes you feel really loved and taken care of in the relationship? So he has an opportunity to feel like, okay, this isn't just a one-sided. thing where I have to take care of you, there are ways that you can open up the dialogue and let him

express what maybe you could do a little bit more of so that he doesn't feel like he's just giving in the relationship. Yeah. And I think as you get more intimate, as you get to be like in a longer term relationship, it is a very interesting conversation to say like, what was it like growing up for you when you were a kid? Like was your mom making dinner every night? Was, you know, was your dad kind of the breadwinner, like, what was the vibe growing up in your home? I do think that kind of tells you a little bit about what the person's used to or what they expect. And those are important, sometimes contentious conversations, I think, where they don't have to be. But I think that tells you a lot about, like, the way that they think about, you know, money and relationships or traditional

gender roles. If they believe in them, if they don't, if they're looking for that in the future, that's all very good stuff to know. Yeah, it's a great opener for a conversation about, and sometimes people will realize once they talk about where their family of origin and what that was like, that they're just automatically expecting things to be the same way. And they might be more open to shifting to meet the needs of the relationship. Once you're kind of like, okay, I'm just doing this automatically because it just feels

like what I've seen. And I don't necessarily buy into it or need to follow along with that. but sometimes you don't even realize you're doing it until you have that conversation. It is okay to talk about it. Long story short. Yes, that's the short answer. Just do it in a soft and grateful way. Yes.

And I would almost do it further away from the actual. If you're going to do it in a negative way, then separate it from the thing. In the moment, you might be like super irritated. Right. You know, when you're putting down the card and he's not also putting his down or doesn't you might that might be the wrong time to do right and you're also you just had this night out and you're going to kind of now you know potentially have an argument after you've just so not only do you get to lay down a hundred dollars for a meal out but it's going to be the

whole night's going to be ruined because you're going to have a fight about it afterwards so right maybe the next day when you're feeling a little bit more calm totally let's play some triggered let's do it let's do it dear ger dred and dr naomi i love everything about this podcast i have a triggering scenario. I have had two kids and have really struggled losing weight and keeping it off. I'm very active and go to the gym regularly, but I've never stuck to a hardcore diet. My husband had well-versed in physical fitness and nutrition because that is a big portion of his job. A friend of mine started calculating her macros and has seen a big difference, so she's inspired to me to give it a shot. When I mentioned this to my husband, he gave me a long

lecture and said that any online calculator I'm using is going to give me generic numbers, and so I'm just wasting my time. He told me that he doesn't think I have enough self-discipline to go through with it. He was not supportive at all like I expected him to be and ended the conversation with just don't spend a lot of money on unnecessary food. How triggered can I be sincerely a discouraged betch? Yeah, I think this is pretty triggering. I think she's trying to do something that's important to her and not getting his support.

I could see that feeling really upsetting, not just about this, but maybe just his lack you know, an indicator of his lack of support and things that she probably could use his support on. So I don't think it was like, you know, we've heard definitely things on Trigger that have been a lot more rude, the delivery. But I think that, well, him saying, I don't have enough self-discipline to go through with it. That's not nice and very discouraging. Yeah, I think that's a very triggering comment. That's like I saying I have a character flaw. Right.

Self-discipline. Yeah. That's like a big overarching thing. Right. And I mean, I'm curious to know, I guess, like, I assume this is coming from some previous, the fact that all the things that he said, I'm not assuming this might be completely off base, that maybe she's tried some stuff before that have been, that if she's quit or that she spent a lot of money on and he feels like a little frustrated with that. I'm assuming that's where it comes from. And it's not like the first time she's trying something and he's just being kind of mean for no reason. But if he is, that's sort of a bigger issue. Yeah, you know, it does sound like maybe he's just frustrated at some, at her efforts, not having panned out throughout their marriage or their relationship. But I do think that this is not what you want in a partner. Maybe you need to have more of a conversation here about,

I know that maybe I haven't followed through with things on the past, but I, you know, this is something I've been thinking about. I love your support. And the other piece, okay, so this isn't going to be the popular answer, but just to play devil's advocate. And I do agree with you. I don't think this was nice and I think this is triggering.

So I will state that caveat in the beginning. I'd give it an eight. I would give it like a seven. I agree. On the flip side, if she keeps coming to him with all these ideas of different things that she like wants to do

and he's like super supportive and he's getting into it and feeling like, okay, she's going to do this and she never follows through, there is this part of like, when someone's kind of complaining about something and unhappy,

and then you like try to give them ideas and try to help them. And then they're just sort of not following through. It can be a little bit frustrating. So I think maybe the conversation changing where she can say to him, like, I was really hurt that you weren't supportive here. And we, I'd like to have a conversation about how you're feeling about being supportive in my journey trying to, you know, be healthier or whatever it is. And it might come out that, you know, she's just kind of.

complaining about different things and not following through, which I think could be frustrating, perhaps, for him. Again, I don't think that he was kind, and I don't think this was a great way to do it. And I think that she needs to have a conversation with him about how he can be more supportive. So saying to him, like, maybe that's part of why she's struggled. Maybe she's struggled because he's not really being supportive of her. So I think this might be a bigger issue in terms of like him being able, especially if he's hardcore, what does you say, well versed in fitness and nutrition. Like, he should be someone who's really helping. So maybe she's not, I guess there's a chance that she's not really accepting his help or I don't know what's

going on behind the scenes either. He's just like totally not nice and just overall unsupportive. But like you said, maybe there's a part of this where there's like a pattern here of something that is frustrating him. So unearthing that, figuring out what that is, and just if he's really into fitness and nutrition, like maybe you need to ask him for some help in different ways. You know, I don't know what the background is. And this is triggering and he's not being supportive and it's not nice. But I would dig a little deeper to figure out why you're not getting his support and what's going on.

I agree. I think you need like the past history of what has happened around this with the two of you and what you've done and how that's affected him in order to get the full scope. But totally agree. Taking it for what it is, it's really hard to do something like this without the support of your husband and him saying, I don't think you have enough self-discipline to go through with it is just such so deflating. Yes. I agree.

All right, let's do another one. Okay. Hey, Jordana and Dr. Naomi. My childhood best friend from fourth grade through high school moved out of state for college and never moved back. We used to try and see each other over the summer when she would be visiting her family, but it got harder when she started working full-time. I was still in school.

I live in Orlando now and have had for several years, which she knows, because she has stayed with me before. I was scrolling through Instagram one day and see a picture of her and another one of our friends from school who also lives in Orlando at one of the local theme parks. I reached out asking if she was in town, to which she responded yes, but that she was leaving to go to our hometown an hour away. I have a pass to the park so I could have easily joined them. But instead, she asked if I was going to be back in our hometown so maybe she could see me. How triggered should I be?

That my childhood best friend didn't even bother telling me she was coming to town until I found out via Instagram, thanks, a forgotten betch. Yeah, I could, I would be annoyed, I guess, I think. Yeah, I think I would, I would be annoyed too. I don't know what, you know, it's weird. I think it's weird because she's hanging out with their mutual friend. Yes. She saw a picture of her at the park with like her cousin. I could see where she's like, I didn't really have time.

And it would feel a little weird to be like inviting you out with me and my cousin. Because I'm in town and we're supposed to see each other. I don't want to make it like a big event. But the fact that it's their friend from school. A mutual friend, right? Right. Yeah. To me seems a little a lot.

Yeah. I would probably be offended by this. I could see this being offensive. The one thing I could think of is I don't know if this other friend is also from their hometown. So maybe she's just like associating this person with her hometown, which is an hour away, and kind of like, oh, I think of her when I go home as opposed to when I go to Orlando. So maybe she just like associated her with the hometown and was kind of thinking that they would meet up there because maybe they could both see their parents together and kind of associated her with like getting together in the

hometown. But that being said, if this was a mutual friend and they got together to do something, it would have been nice to have the invite. Although, like you said, sometimes you just kind of want like a one-on-one catch-up. Yeah. I think that's true too. Or you're, yeah. And I think that it sounds kind of harsh to say that. But I think we've all had scenarios where we're like coming into town to do something. We don't have like a ton of time. We have plans with this friend. And you're just kind of like, I don't really like feel like coordinating a bigger thing. I'm just going to see the person and then leave. Right. Yeah. It would have been nice to include her, especially if they're all friends together.

But I guess there could have been, you know, maybe they're, you know, they're having more conversation and they had something that they, you know, wanted to talk about one-on-one. I could see this being triggering, but I also, I don't think she's like an awful friend for it because she did ask you to hang out back in your hometown. Can she say something? Yeah, I guess I think she could say, oh, it sounds so I saw that you guys went to Disney. it sounds like that would have been really fun.

Maybe next time you do that, you could, you know, I could join you guys. Right. I would love to have come. Right. And if she's being honest, maybe she'll say, yeah,

we just had like a lot of stuff that we need to catch up on or like she's going through some stuff or whatever. You know, maybe she'll give you some reason why she didn't invite you to that. But I have a feeling she's just associating.

I've had experiences like that where you just like associate a person with a place and she's kind of like, okay, I'm going home. I can see this friend at home and she might want to come home too and then she can like combine visits and see her family and see me. So it may have just been as simple as that. But I do think that you could bring it up and maybe she would let you know why she didn't

invite you or at least plant the seed that if it happens again, you'd like to be invited. Yeah, I agree. I think there's probably a good, relatively good explanation for it. Sometimes you see on Instagram someone's like around and you're like, especially if they're not from town and they're, they're. here and then they didn't message you. And I get that that like feels like a small sting. It's usually I think not personal. We had something happen with our brother actually. It was funny. I like no, I have a mutual friend with one of his friends' wives. I work with her. And I happen to be on like a

call with her and she goes, yeah, I just saw like your brother. And I'm like, it's our brother Josh who lives in Dallas. Right. I'm like, what do you mean? Like in New York. I'm like, you were you in Dallas? She's like, no, he was like here. You were like, oh, this is embarrassing. Right. I'm like, what do you mean he was here? Like she's like, oh, did I just say something like wrong or like, or like did I just out him? Like this is, it bothered me like a tiny bit, but not that much. And then I eventually like when I happened to be speaking to him mention that, he's like, yeah, I was in town for like literally a day. It was like there was this dinner. It was right there. It was convenient. It was like my friends. I was not here for a

long time. I didn't want to make it like a thing that I was in town. And I was like, and you're kind of like, yeah, like, that's fine. It's just like, it's almost like, it's almost better sometimes to get the text that's like, I'm here. I don't have any time. But like, like, wish I could see you, but I'll see you next time as opposed to like, I'm secretly in town and trying to hide from you. Although I don't think that was the case, but not at all.

It was funny. Right. Yeah, I could see, I could see it. Although the truth is like this type of thing, if she's, and it's a perfect example, like, you know, Josh coming to New York, if he was. was going to text everybody who he knew in New York and say, hey, I'm coming to New York. It's only for a day. Sorry, I'm not going to be able to see you. He'd have to send out 20 texts, which is like really annoying also, you know? Yeah, I agree with that. And that's a great point. And so, Josh, I've forgiven

you. I'm no longer triggered by this statement, but one day I'm going to come to Dallas and not text you. And that's going to be my, I've long game revenge. No, I'm just kidding. Like, the other thing is I also be like secure in the fact that like we're close and he loves me and we're like we're like there's no like weird like there's no I think with friends sometimes you know you're never sure if someone if you're on the same page 100% are we as close as we think we are and I think this could bring up feelings of that so I get the triggeredness of that right and I do think as far as all of these triggered scenarios go and I know it's hard for people but I think it's a good rule of thumb just for your own mental health to give people the benefit of the doubt.

Because otherwise, you're just kind of thinking the worst and thinking people have the worst intentions. And A, most of the time they don't. So you're now going to ruminate and get yourself all worked up about something that's not even true. And the worst case scenario is you give them a benefit of the doubt and it really was something that wasn't kind. And like, now you've just lived in peace for the last week over this

instead of being upset and like what harm is really done. I agree. unless it's like continuous. And then you could be like, okay, this feels like a pattern. Right. Of being left out by this person. Or I think a one-off gives someone the benefit of the doubt. If something keeps happening, if you see again next week, she's back in town.

Right. That's another story. And especially if you mentioned, I would have, that looks so fun next time. Let me know and I'll come with you guys or I'd love to come with you guys. Yeah, I agree. Agreed. All right. Let's do one more.

We have a voicemail. If you guys want to leave us a voice message, you can leave us one at 646. 363, 623, 6294, or keep sending these emails. They're great. Oversharingapechus.com, over sharing at betches.com. Hi, my name's Megan. I love the pod. I'm just calling in.

I have a triggered question for you. I am experiencing, I work as an occupational therapist, and I am experiencing a lot of patients who ask me if I am single or married or dating just because I work in the geriatric population. And I struggle with this question as I am 27 and I am single and I don't want to be and I'm actively dating and trying to meet people. So I guess I'm just wondering how triggered you would feel in my situation. If a patient asks you if you're married since it happens nearly every day and the best way to kind of answer that question in a professional manner. Thank you so much.

I love the pod. Love you, Ross. Thanks. Aw, love you too, Megan. Yeah, thanks for calling in. What do you think? Yeah, so a couple of things. I think she has to decide what she wants to disclose and not. I think it sounds like she's a little bit insecure about her status, and it brings up negative

feelings for her to say that she's single. So that's one. And I relate to that. I felt that way, too. Yeah, I think a lot of. people do kind of feel like it's some kind of a, you know, it's like a negative characteristic, or it means you're unlovable, or it means nobody's chosen you, or all the things that we talk about, about why, you know, people feel badly about this, you know, sort of stigma or the way they

feel about themselves about being single. So I think that just is what it is. That is how she feels. We can dedicate something else to her feeling more accepting of her status. But if she doesn't want to share, and she doesn't want to talk about it, and she kind of wants to cut off the conversation. And as a therapist, there are ways to deal with when people ask you personal questions. And, you know, I think she can very kindly say, if she really doesn't want to talk about it, she can say, I really enjoy chatting with you and I want you to feel comfortable with me, but I just really don't like talking about my personal life at work. And I hope you can understand that as a way of just saying, like, I realize what they're trying to do is like connect with me.

Or they're probably trying to say is you're so. sweet and beautiful and kind, like maybe I have someone to set you up with or maybe, you know, I'm wondering, you know, basically like if you're available or, you know, I'm sure that there's kindness behind this. I'm sure that the people that are asking this are not thinking, like, what a loser. I can't believe you're still single. Like, I don't think that's what they're thinking. They're probably thinking, oh, I have a grandson who's 29 and he would be great for you. I'm sure is probably part of what they're thinking. But I think if she doesn't want to talk about it, there's ways to say, I acknowledge that you're trying to connect with me, but I also am setting my

boundaries and not wanting to share personal information. I agree with that. I guess I'm trying to think if it would come off route. I don't think it would if you said it in a really nice way. Yeah, I think you have to say it, you know, in a way that says, like, I still like you. I'm not mad at you. I'm not offended by this, you know, but I just really don't like talking about my personal life at work. and I hope you understand is a nice way to kind of say like, you know, I'm not upset about this. I'm kind of leaving this neutrally for both of us. Right. What if she wanted to answer it in a way that sometimes I feel like if you have a canned

answer that you feel empowered and goodbye that doesn't exactly extend the conversation, but you're kind of like still being friendly. Like let's say she just doesn't like saying no to people, which I could sort of, I feel like it would be tiring to constantly set the. boundary. I agree she should in like the most healthy way. And I practice this thing when I would get asked about like dating and I didn't really want to talk about it or it was like a negative thing for me. If you have an answer that you just give to every one of those things that sort of answers the question without leading the conversation, sometimes that can feel like, again, you feel more

empowered to doesn't feel as shocking every time if you know what to say. Right. It's not going to rattle you trying to think in the moment of what to say because you have it all prepared. Yeah. What was your line if people asked you? I'd be like, yeah, still looking for the one or something. Right. You know, yeah, just I'm out there dating or something. Right.

But I guess maybe that could, they might continue the conversation after that. But I guess this is more of a professional setting. And then if you just change the subject after that, maybe that's all they need to know. But I think that, yeah, that leads itself to potentially opening up. a larger conversation or like still seeing anyone if you know it if you know anyone let me right right well it's funny because my like sort of unfiltered first thought was maybe they have someone they want to set you up with you know so i guess in a professional setting i don't know if it's appropriate i don't know what exactly type of setting she works in but maybe it's a flattering they would be asking yeah it's probably

a flattering thing that they're all asking you this they're probably all thinking like oh my gosh like my occupational therapist is so kind and beautiful. And like I wonder if she's looking for a match. I get if you don't want to, you know, be potentially dating one of your patients' grandchildren or children or whatever it is. It might be a little bit of crossing a boundary. But I think as a joke, you might be able to, if you're willing to do that,

might be like you said, be able to say. You know anyone. Yeah, exactly. If you know anyone, let me know. There's a couple routes you could go. You could do that route, which is like more casual and just like, giving them the information and trying to make a joke out of it. And who knows, maybe their Grinch child will come visit them and you could meet and maybe

you'd make a little, yeah, maybe they're hot. Yeah. You never know. But if it's not appropriate and it's not the right setting for that, I think just saying something like I really don't like talking about my personal life at work or if you don't want to answer the question, I think there's ways to get around it where you can say it in a way that still feels like you're open and you're not mad. and you're not angry and you understand.

Another thing is like, you know, and this is maybe more of a therapist thing, but I would say something like, I totally understand why you would be curious about me, you know, because I know a lot about you. So it makes sense that you would want to know more about me. And that's just normal in terms of human interaction, except sometimes in a professional setting, especially in something like healthcare, where the provider finds out everything about you, and you know nothing about them. Sometimes it can feel like a little bit.

Like I'm trying to connect with you, but there's this big wall up. So just kind of acknowledging, you know, I can understand why you're curious about me, but I just really don't like talking about my personal life at work. I hope you can understand that if she doesn't want to answer the question. Right.

I agree. I think she has to decide what she's most comfortable with, but those are all good options. I'd give this four. Yeah, I would give it pretty low. I think this is her issue. I think they're probably really saying that.

I don't think anyone is asking to be offensive at all. Yeah. I think they probably are asking actually the reverse. Like, what a catch. Are you single? Totally. But I could see why it would feel like, oh, I don't know. Where do I start?

Totally. But that's it for this week's oversharing. Thank you guys for writing in for leaving voicemails. Again, that's oversharingabets.com. Or you can leave us a voicemail at 646. 363, 363, 6294. And don't forget, if you like the show, rate review, subscribe, write us a nice little Apple review.

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Great work today. Oversharing is produced by Sean Kilby, Jorge Morales Pico, and Rebecca Sousalz McCabe. Editing by ALEEFRITLander. Send your advice emails to Oversha at betches.com or leave us a voicemail at 646363-6294.