Oversharing - Am I Allowed To Copy Someone's Engagement Idea?

Episode Date: August 5, 2025

This week’s episode is extra special because Dr. Naomi is live in NYC and she and Jordana discuss how it's important to embrace your childlike wonder and not become jaded by the world around you. In the Overshare, a listener opens up about losing her dad and now dealing with a boundary-blind mom who won’t stop rehashing the trauma—despite the fact that she was there for every second of it. Then, a freshly engaged Betch writes in with a chic dilemma: her friend is not on board with her dream Paris engagement shoot and she needs a Betchicist ruling ASAP. Dr. Naomi pens an intention for a woman navigating the nightmare that is a long-distance relationship—and gets real about her own experience being in an LDR in her twenties. Plus, in this week’s Triggered segment, one listener is fuming after her beau’s kids totally skip the thank-you's for her thoughtful gifts and another is spiraling after seeing her ex pop up in a wholesome family photo, and the hosts give each a Triggered score. Subscribe to Oversharing on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@OversharingPod   Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

A quick note before we get into the episode, Oversharing is a podcast for entertainment purposes only. It is not a medical podcast and does not constitute medical or psychological advice. Always seek the advice of your physician or a mental health professional. Hello and welcome back to Oversharing. I'm Jordana Abraham. And I am Dr. Naomi Bernstein. So great to be back in person.

We do, we probably do one in person recording a year. A year when you're in town. This is it. Very exciting. Welcome to, welcome back to. New York. Yeah. This is really, I love being here. I love having this conversation in real life. Manhattan's awesome. My walk to the office, I felt very... I feel like you don't like Manhattan. I like it for like two days. That's fair. Yeah. Yeah. I like it and then I like to leave.

Leave. Yeah. But I feel almost like... It's moving. You know like we, you talk about like child's mind. Like it's so funny. I remember I was here a couple of years ago and you know that fountain in LaGuardia. It was like all the colors. And there was this little girl there. And she was just so excited about the fountain. And she was trying to get her parents to look at the fountain. And they were kind of like, okay, like you're annoying. It was just this very, that's how I sometimes feel when I come to New York.

I'm like, there's so much stimulation and all these cool people. And everybody's like attractive and stylish and weird. And there's just so much that I have this like child mind. And then people like you were like, dude. No, it's because you're here for two days and you're not like jaded. And it's actually quite, it's like you're a child here. It's very cute. I mean, I told this story on this podcast before, but like when you were here, I don't know

who it was last year or two years ago. And we were walking to her hotel, which was like on the Upper West Side, we're walking through Times Square. And you are like taking everyone's flyer. You were like interacting with every crazy person on the street trying to talk to you. And I'm like, you are, you're in danger. Yeah. Stop touching that.

Right. No, but it's nice. Like I'm saying, it turns you into, like, me. I mean, I don't live here anymore than the suburbs, but I haven't living here 10 years. I'm just like a very nasty bitch. Yeah. So, no. And it's funny because I just think in general, I was, I was taught, I went to this super cool, like underground spa thing last night with Becky, our sister. Yeah.

And we were just talking in general about trust because she's a lawyer, so she like doesn't really believe anybody. Right. And I was talking about couples therapy and how when people come in for couples therapy, like they kind of want as a psychologist sometimes for you to be a lie detector. Like people think as a psychologist, and maybe some are that you can like figure out who's telling the truth. Right. Well, I think, I always think about that when you think about like the craziest person. person you know and like what their therapist thinks about them. Right. I'm like, are you like, are you like, are you like, you know, we all have, we all know like one person who's just like living on a

different planet. Yes. Who has a therapist and you're like, is your therapist telling you that you're right? Right. Or is your therapist like trying to course correct? Yeah, they're probably slowly working on it. Right. Chipping away at the thing because some people can't handle too much, but I'm not a good lie detector. Like that's not my area of expertise. I'm very much like, I believe what you say, I mean, there's a couple things that I was telling her as a couple's therapist that I know are like tells in relationships that someone's lying. But for the most part, yeah, that's why I'm like, can't stay here for more than two days because I'd probably die. Well, you would lose your like, innocent sense of wonder.

Well, that's why people like don't like to raise their kids here because it's like you become like pretty hardened, I think. Yeah, I could see. Don't go there. Don't touch that. Don't talk to them like yeah you know but also quick so it's like positives yeah you know street with the program street smart yeah for sure so how do your kids like the city they're here they're here they're they're i think similar to me like i think it scares them a little right because like they'll always be like a lot of people smoke cigarettes and like i think they think that's like you know bad right like it means and i always try to tell them i'm like we talk about addiction i'm like yeah No, some people try something and then they get addicted and they can't stop.

And they're like, but why do they do it if it's going to kill it? Like, they also don't get that like one cigarette's not going to kill you. You know, you tell them that. Like they, they're like, you guys can have a couple, you know, just don't have it every day. So they're like, I don't understand. It's going to kill them. So like that type of thing. And they think it smells bad and is dirty.

It does smell bad. So they don't love that. But I think they like the excitement. and the action. But then probably after two days, they'll be happy to come to your house and sprawl out and have some peace and quiet. Yeah, less cigarettes out there. Yeah. You know. But that is a hard thing with kids where you're like, this thing is bad. Cigarettes kill you. And then, you know, like a friend comes over. They see someone smoking. And it's like, oh, my God. We've got to stop them. You're living a lie. Yeah. Right. Or something. Yeah. So, yeah, we're working through it.

Okay. Well, I'm glad to have you back. You're going to come. come stay with with us. Very excited. So excited for that. I know. Yeah. We're going to get all our, all our intensive bonding in. Intensive bonding.

And then I'll see you in a year. That's enough for me. There we go. That's enough. All right. Let's do it. Love it. Okay.

Let's get into our show. If you have a voicemail that you want to leave us, you can call our voicemail number at 64636-36-294. Also, if you want to subscribe, we have a great subscription episode out now where we talk to a listener. We do those a lot. If you are a listener and you would like to come on and speak to us in person, get yourself a little therapy session for free. The cost is that everyone else will hear it, who's a paid subscriber. But free monetarily to you. Write in, say you want to come on. We will like fully get into it. It's great. We get to like ask questions. My favorite. Yes. And we did

this on you up with a couple. And we know, we'll speak to a couple if you and your husband, your boyfriend, your girlfriend, your wife, anyone, like, want to partner, whatever it is, want to hash out a problem and you have a real life couples therapist and someone who just likes to talk shit. Come on. Or even, like, honestly, it doesn't have to be a couple. Like, if you're having a problem with your sister and you feel like you can help you out, if you're a problem with your friend and you're both willing to, like, come on and hash it out, any kind of relationship, fucking coworker, whatever.

We'll take it all. Yes. We'll play HR. Yeah, write in. We'll have you on the subscription episode. We'll get, we really get into it. And it's really fun. And also, if you're a subscriber, you get all the episodes, ad free a day early.

And this is a good episode to watch on YouTube because we're in person. So even better. See the outfits? You can see the whole. You can see our feet if you've always been wondering what they look like. More Dr. Naomi's. So head to our YouTube to watch this there or just listen regularly and rate review and subscribe and also any room in your therapy groups yes there's always room so naomi bernstein.com

hit me up i will match you with a group we're doing some fun challenges some challenging challenges i told you last week about people coming in getting feedback from the group about how they feel about that person their connection it's like doing the hard stuff that you want to do in real life, but doing it with a therapist in a super supportive, warm. These groups are, I'm always astonished by, I mean, right now men are very welcome. And actually, the women love having a male in the group, but we don't have any right now. Have you had? You had? Zero. The past? Yes, we have. And it's great. And I think we love getting that new perspective. But right now it's all women, which is also nice. It's like very safe.

like feminine energy. But men are welcome and it could be really great. You know, like the whole point of these groups is like you're practicing real life in this very safe space and then you do the hard things and then you go out into your life and you do them there. So this should be a class in school. Totally. Right? Yes. A group discussion. Starting like in sixth grade middle school. Seriously. I mean so many people who write in, myself included, I think, have problems like, it's what you were saying with the group that you were just talking about, have problems like, like saying their issue with someone,

like directly. Wouldn't it be great if that was, like, taught to us early on? It's way, I see what my kids are doing in school, and that would be way more useful than, like, exponent and please excuse my dear aunt Sally. Exactly.

I don't even, I don't even remember what that means. Right. Is it the planets? Right. No, that's, uh, order of operations. Oh,

yeah, but that's what I'm saying. And I like did well in school. So I don't even. Totally. And how great would it be to have like conflict resolution and how to have a difficult conversation and yeah. All the things. So come learn it now.

It's never too late. Yeah. Check it out. Naomi Bernstein.com. Naomi Bernstein.com. Let's get into our emails. I will read our first one. All right.

Let's do it. Hi. Dr. Naomi and Jordana. Love, love, love the pod. And y'all's banter. I've listened from the very beginning and learned so much. I'm hoping you can help me with a delicate situation. Six months ago, my dad passed a.

away from cancer. I was extremely close to him and visited my parents who live four hours away, often in the months and weeks leading up to his death. I am also close to my mom and talk to her several times a week. Since my dad passed, she brings up his passing every single time we talk. Sometimes it's a positive memory about my dad or something we miss, which I don't mind talking about, but often it's some horrible memory from the very end of his cancer battle that my mom is stuck on and ends up sobbing over. I was there with her the last few weeks. I have awful images ingrained in my mind from the end. And that's not how I want to remember my dad. I don't want to think about those things and have buried them in my mind, but often it feels like that's all my mom can focus on.

When I've tried to redirect these negative conversations, she sort of guilt trips me, saying that I'm the only one who understands and who she can talk to. I do have a sister, but I'm the oldest, and the only one who saw the very end, so it feels like I'm the default sounding board for my mom. I'm doubly frustrated because I have a toddler and a newborn, and I really can't take more negativity. It's not that I don't miss my dad, but I can't dwell on these thoughts all day, or I will spiral and not be able to focus on my kids. When I have tried to suggest that she try talking to a therapist or seeking out a support group, she immediately shuts me down, saying, how could that possibly help? She also is one to keep family matters private,

so I'm not sure she would even open up to someone else. Help. How can I support my mom, but not bear the weight of her emotions? Between losing my dad and having a new baby, I'm already drowning in my own emotions. As much as I love my mom, I selfishly can't add someone else's problems to the mix right now. Thank you for any insight you may have. Yeah.

Oh, I feel so bad for her. This is really, really hard. Yeah. And it does feel in that moment, like you're shutting someone down. Right. Because you're like, but you're like in self-preservation mode,

but then you seem like very cold and like, I'm sure she feels a lot of guilt because like her feels like she's all her mom has. Right. This is really hard. It's, it's, you know, the tough part is, or the good part, I guess, is that she's open to talking about her dad, like the happy stuff and sharing memories and all that kind of thing. It's the traumatic piece, like the visualizations of the end of life, like that is the stuff

that some people never get to. Right. Like, you know, you can talk about losing someone, but talking about that super-head. heavy piece of like the brutal end of life experience, that's the part that is, I think, overwhelming her. I think that's the part that the mom probably doesn't feel like she could talk to anyone else about because it is so big and huge and heavy. Right. And that's the part that like she can only take in small doses. Yeah. Or like right now, yes. And I think she that, so one thing I think is the sister, let's, we've got to get the sister involved. Because spread the, spread the,

Spread the pain. Yeah. I do think we have to get the sister involved because she wasn't there at the end of life, which on the one hand, it feels like, well, she didn't have to go through this, so maybe we should spare her. You know, like she didn't, it's good for, a lot of that is visual. You know, like a lot of that trauma is in seeing the traumatic thing. It's like PTSD, like that visual piece of, that gets seared into your memory.

So it is nice that the sister, nice, whatever you want to call it, was spared that. But I think the secondary of the mom, like, describing it to her might bring her into the grief a little bit in a way where she can understand the gravity and the depth of what happened. But she's never going to have that visual. Right. Like the ones who, like the person who is there. Right. Like the listener and the mom will forever have that. The sister's not going to have that.

So maybe there is a fear of like we don't want to do. traumatize her if she was spared from it in the beginning but that might be a good person for the mom to go to with this and maybe she can call her sister and tell her a little bit like this is what I'm going through you know if you want to explain it the way that we just explained it around like that end of life stuff that was really hard like I'm happy to talk about just the general sadness or the loss or the missing of him and you know good memories and all that but like this piece like if you could come in here, that would be helpful and just call, maybe ask mom questions about it. So she's not even having to get her mom to like open up necessarily that maybe the sister can, you know, jump in there.

So you're saying to kind of hoist it onto the sister a little bit. Yeah, I mean, as an option. And if she's not into it, I think she could just share with the sister what she's going through and see if she, you know, that it would be helpful if mom had someone else to talk to. Right. You know. Yeah. And see how that goes. Because, yeah, a therapist would be great, a grief therapist who's, this is what they do.

Like, it's a little annoying, I think, when you're like, there's a, there's this very specific solution for this particular type of problem. And there's like a therapist, it's clearly like a therapist that could really help someone deal with this. And she, and then the person is like completely resistant to that and won't even try it. But then like, then it becomes like, I would feel better about creating the boundary. Yeah. Because it's not like, oh, I'm trying the therapist.

I am in my off, in between sessions. I'm feeling so, like, I'm, it's like, to me, it's like if you're giving someone advice and they're not following it and then they're just, like, continuing to pour on you, I do think that it's okay at a certain point to be like there's a very, like, proven and, like, helpful thing that to help people with this kind of thing, like, how would it help? Like, it would help exactly, like, you, like, process and deal with the pain. And like that's literally exactly what it's for. Right.

So like I can help find you. I can help find you a good therapist, someone you like, someone you connect with. We can like, we can look into it together. I don't know if her mom doesn't want to pay for. I can even like I could pay for a session or two to start you off or something like that. But I think to say if you say to someone, this is really upsetting me, I really can't hear this all the time. And then they just don't really care. Yeah.

That's also like, I think that's like the other side of it. Like you, for her mom, like, she wants to care about her, but her mom clearly isn't really caring about how this is affecting her. Yeah. I know. Grief is so hard. It's almost like it's so intense, like it can make you a little selfish, you know, like, right.

I need, I need, I need. And she was the one, the mom that was like living with him every day and like probably feeling that loss in a very different way. But I agree. Or like I can do this like, I can do this like once a month. We can go there. or something. I don't know what it ever.

No, honestly, I don't think she, I think she could explain it in a way that's kind of like, I need to grieve this at my own pace also. Right. And like, I'm not. And it sounds like, I mean, the way she describes it, she says like she's, you know, she's burying it, which for her,

she probably needs to go to therapy and address because that's, you know. But she's not making that anyone else's problem. Yeah, exactly. Right. So, but I think she's got a, deal like and she could say that to her like you know I am going to go to therapy or I you know hope to go to therapy so I can kind of get through this in my time in my way and deal with the hardest of the hard parts of this I'm happy to share memories with you I'm happy to go through you know photo

albums with you and talk about happy times but that end of life stuff like I'm not ready for that yet I need to go at my own pace I have my own grief process I agree right like she can set that boundary by saying kind of like, I need to do my grief and my way. Because she's hurting too. And I think you could say, like, I'm happy to help you get the help that you need that doesn't involve me being like really upset all the time. Yeah. Yeah, you can't force someone. I keep thinking in my mind. It's almost like this really hard thing. It's like forcing someone to like come out before they're ready. You know, it's kind of like, that's a process. It's a very intimate process that someone has to do in their own time when they are ready. Same thing with like verbalizing

and, you know, rehashing a memory of the worst thing that ever happened to you, your biggest trauma and life. And she's like, oh, we're going to do this now. It's Tuesday. It's 12 o'clock. I feel like going there. We're going to go there. Yeah. And it does seem like a little bit of like lacking of like protection for your, for your child. Like you would think you'd want to like ease that. I mean, obviously you have your own shit to deal with or your own grief to deal with. But I do think like, there should be some element of like I want to protect you from some I mean people feel that about when someone when a parent dies and the kids are young but like I think it's nice to like carry that over to like I don't want you to be this to like ruin your life totally I feel like I see this a lot

this dynamic of like when a parent dies and there's adult children and not always but I think sometimes the, you know, the spouse is so burdened by grief that they do get a little bit selfish in it and they want, they feel like they... To be taken care of. Whether it's the way this mom wants to be taken care of, like I want to talk about like the heaviest of the heavy or a lot of moms are just like, I need you to come over and like turn off the sink for me. Right.

You know, like these little things that they're asking their adult children to do just just because they kind of want someone there. And I feel for them. You know, that is really hard. Suddenly you're all alone. And if your child has a partner, like, you know. Yeah. And I think that's okay within reason.

Yeah. Yeah. But this, even like, I'd rather her be calling her and saying, come over and help me turn the sink off, then you need to go to the darkest place you've ever been in your life right now because I decided that that's when we're talking about it. Right. And even with the coming out example,

like that seems to at least be more about the other person than about you. Right. Right. Right. Yeah, no, this is, this is really hard. I think she should set boundaries and see if she could get help from the sister because the sister did get to not see that. It's true. Which is nice for her. I'm sure she has her, the sister, I'm sure has her own grief process, but there is something that just when you are there at the end, that's a different kind of hurt. And that's why it's probably good to have a trained profession who can speak to you also in like the correct way about whatever that would be. how is that going to help? That would be, that's really frustrating. It's like it would help so that I don't have to do this. Yes, it would help me. Yeah. Right. Yeah. So, yeah, I would just tell her,

I have my own grief process and I can't be on your timeline. And if you're ready to go there, that's great. I think it would be great to go there with the therapist. But I would try, like, the sister thing first and see if she can just maybe put in some more phone time and kind of see if she can get her to open up to her a little bit. I agree. Good plan. All right, let's do a betrises. All right, I will read this. Hi, Drodana and Dr. Naomi, I have a situation. My best friend got engaged three years ago in Paris and took pre-wedding photos there. I got engaged last year, not in Paris, and this year I'm going on a trip to Paris with my fiance and my parents. We thought it would be a great opportunity to take our pre-wedding photos during this trip. Here's the problem. My friend was upset that I didn't ask her first and make sure she was okay with it before making this decision. on my own. Hurtful things were said, but ultimately I decided not to take the photos there out of respect and didn't want to further sour the relationship. My fiancé is upset with me because I didn't discuss this with him and made this decision for both of us. I wouldn't even want to go anyways as

it's ruined the whole thing, but financially we might not be able to take another trip to Europe for pre-wedding photos as wedding planning is expensive. I still want to stay friends, but I can't help but feel disappointed in this situation. Why should it be first come first serve? It's literally the world's most romantic city. I'd understand if it was some town no one's ever heard of, but Paris? Everything is fine now, but I'm hyper aware to make sure I don't copy things she does at her wedding for my wedding. Is she overreacting or am I? A betch that doesn't own Paris.

People really get crazy with this stuff over weddings. It's insane. Insane. I've heard people be like upset someone got the same ring shape as them. Like there's like six shapes. There's like literally six shapes. Like you don't own the stuff. shape. Right. Or like the same dress company or the same like it's so funny this idea like it has to be like

your unique situation. It's like the whole wedding industry is like made to have for everyone to have like think they need the same stupid shit even like pre-wedding photos like no one even needs that. Yes. It sounds maddening. It's like you all need the same thing but it needs to be slightly different, but not too different because then it's like weird. Right. But not like to the same because then you're copying someone and yeah. Yeah. I would tell that friend to fuck off. That's like. crazy. I kind of wish this was a triggered because I am triggered by this friend. Saying that they're upset.

It's Paris. The city of romance. You own the entire, like taking photos in Paris is now off the table. And she was even thinking of taking a secondary trip to a different European city to avoid the city that her friend took her. I don't know why it has to be in Europe also. I agree. This is crazy. Like I could see if it was the exact same pose in the exact same place

Maybe that would be a little weird but like there's lots of places in Paris that you could take photos This to me even if it's the exact same place in front of the Eiffel Tower right that's where everyone takes I've seen a million engagement pictures at the Eiffel Tower right like get over it right get over it. Yeah I'm trying to think of like It's the same place I'm trying to think of like a tactful way of like if your friend came to you and she was like Naomi, like, I got married in Turks and Kegos. Right. Already, like, kind of, it's upsetting me that you didn't ask me before you booked the destination.

Like, what would, like, I don't even know what, like, the response would be. Honestly, I don't, I do find this triggering. Like, I think there's nothing more to say than, like, I guess you could be curious and kind of say, like, what do you think will happen if we both have engaged, you know, pre what's pre wedding photos that's like engagement photos i guess it's like engagement pictures okay i think that seems like after you get engaged you use them for your like wedding website i guess yeah engagement photos i think that's the same i don't know the marketing of your wedding right okay so you know kind of like what is your fear about what are you worried about in terms of you know

do you want me to put a disclaimer like i wouldn't say this tell people like i kind of feel like you want to put a disclaimer, she did it first. Right. Again, like, if you want someone not to copy you, pick a less basic place. Yeah, true. If you want to have a very unique ring, get like a different stone in a weird shape. Right. But then someone will be like, oh, they did that, you know, whatever. I don't know. Right. I think I would just say, like, listen, I hear what you're saying. I think it's a little irrational. People take pictures in Paris all the time. Yes. I'm sorry if you feel like this is something that was really special to your wedding, but like I've had this idea independent of you.

And like it's a great idea. That's why I'm doing it too. And like if you're upset by that, I'm sorry, but I'm still going to do it. I wouldn't have said I'm not going to do it. I kind of agree with a fiancé. Yeah, I could see why the fiancé is upset. He probably feels really controlled by this friend. Right.

His whole like, are they not even going to Paris anymore? And they were like already, no, they're going to Paris. They're going with his fiance and the band. And now he probably has to tell his parents that like, oh, we're not going to do the photo shoot anymore because her friend did it three years ago. It's crazy. You could take photos anywhere you want. I think you should go back, honestly. I mean, it's up to you.

If this is sticking, which might with me and say what you said. I do think this is a little irrational. Paris is one of the most romantic places in the world. Lots of people want to do engagement photos there. We've decided that we're going to go ahead with it. Right. And I hope you can understand that. If there's something I could do within that realm, I could wear a different color.

I could go to a different spot under the Eiffel Tatt. Like, this is a place that people do this. I think it's a little irrational. I am thinking, like, what is this thing about copying? You know, I think it's particular when it comes to weddings. I think it's like there's this feeling for many people. And I think it's indicative of, like, the way they see a wedding day as, like, they're one big chance to like express themselves

or they're one big day for it to be about them. Yeah. And so there's this feeling of like any sort of like thing that's done that someone else is doing or done after them is like taking away from like the specialness of this day that's sort of built up to be like this huge moment in your life. Yeah. But it's like it's not 1950.

You can have many like there's many opportunities for women to have. like accomplishments and great moments and great things that happen in their life. I think it's like an issue with the way you're viewing your wedding day and maybe like a little bit about the way you view your life is like this is like the pinnacle of the most incredible. Like I, we both, I'm sure loved our wedding days, but I'm not like and now it's all downhill. Like never going to be about me again. Right. Never going to be, never going to be in the spotlight again or like if that's important to you. I don't know. Yeah. But I do think it's even, I get it with weddings. I think it's like totally magnified with weddings, but I think there is, and we've talked about this before,

sort of this trap of like needing to be special, you know, like strive to be average. You know, like you make fun of it, but in some ways, like, there's this kind of delusion around specialness and the wedding is like your one opportunity to be as delusional as possible because everyone's like your little minions that are like, you're so special. Right. So like all comes to a head in that moment. But like it happens. I see it with like six graders.

Well, that makes more sense there because they're like trying to figure out their identity. Right. Well, it's like someone copies you. It's like great. They liked it. Right. Like they'll do an art project at school and they'll be like so and so copied me. I'm kind of like, or she'll be like, oh, I really like decorating Halloween boxes or Valentine's boxes, whatever.

She's like, oh, I really wanted to do a Taylor Swift box. But like so-and-so's doing a Taylor Swift box. I'm like, she doesn't own Taylor Swift. Like do, if you want to do a Taylor Swift box, do a Taylor Swift box. Like, it's flattering. It's a great idea. You don't own it. But there is this starts young.

Like you need to be special and different. And like sometimes that feels great. And sometimes like, right. Or like, here's the thing. I think it's also like you're not that special or different. Right. If you were like no one else would be doing it because it'd be like a little weird. Yeah.

And those kids are actually awesome. The ones that are like doing like, you know, a bloody vampire, you know, with like. you know, teeth and blood, you know, like, it's just like, yeah, if you want to be different, you're going to be weird. It's like, you want to be in this special little spot where you're like, not a weirdo. Yeah, take your, then don't, then take your pictures like in some weird, like, alley. Yeah, where no one else would want to take them. No one's going to copy you. A little rat droppings in the backdrop. Yeah. So I agree. Like there's a delusion of being special that's just like, if, and again, mindfulness, if you're out there and you're out there and you're

you're doing this with your friends in your life, like with outfits or weddings or like, you know, 30th birthdays or trips with your partner or whatever, like, chill. It's okay. You're you. You don't have to be special to be happy. Right. Yeah. Yeah.

I think this is, this is insane. You cannot call anything. Yeah. Paris. Even that one, even that's one who wrote in about the woman copying her entire baby shower. And like nursery. Yeah. And like other thing.

Yeah. Even part of me, I think back on that email, I'm like, who care? Like, sure, it was a pretty basic theme. Yeah. I agree. Like, it's okay. You don't, you know, it's flattering. It is.

It's a delusion. It's like, I need to be better. It's like a competitive. I need to be unique. We're not unique. There's like, however many billions of people will all, if an alien came down from another planet to Earth, they would think we all looked like monkeys. Right.

Like, can you tell the difference between like monkey A? monkey bee no no right like we're all pretty much the same we just like live in a delusion that we're not yeah all right let's do some intentions moving on hi dr naomi and jordan i'm a huge fan of the pod and find so much common each of your episodes i'm writing in looking for an intention on being present in my relationship my boyfriend of about a year just began his residency to become a surgeon we're also doing a long distance about a two hour drive apart every time we're together i feel this pressure that i have to be on and in a good mood and fun and that the time spent needs to be perfect since our time together is now more limited. I find myself now spiraling and so in my head when I'm with him that

I'm not actually present and enjoying the moment because I'm so worried about the moment being perfect. And then if I'm not on or things aren't perfect, I've wasted the time together. Can you help me set an intention for being present and enjoying the time we have together? Thanks for all you do. All right. Long distance relationships. That's a good topic. Yeah. Those are tough because of a lot of what she's describing, which is like a lot of pressure on the in-person meetup. Yeah. Have you had a long-distance relationship? Yeah.

This email actually brought me back because I felt that when I was 22, probably. Yeah, I had a long-distance relationship. I was in L.A., and the guy I was dating, actually in Texas, ironically, in South Texas. Is that why you went out there? No, so long after, I remember when I first moved back, I was like, oh, right, I lived here before. I ended up, you know, speaking of long distance, I ended up moving there. Right. After the year to be closer.

But there's so much pressure because the relationship itself is hard. There takes a lot of communication. Right. There's lots to talk about that doesn't feel good, you know, like jealousy things or how much communication you need or just catching up on your life. Right. And you're not living like in the real world together when you see each other. You're like on vacation.

Yes. Essentially. Yeah. You're not like you don't even really. know each other and that's kind of what she's getting at which is like I kind of want to be myself right and just be however I am right and not be like perfect on girlfriend who's like you know showing him what he's missing by like being one distance yeah yes so this is really tough because it's you know you want to use that time to like address the issues in the relationship but you also want

to use that time to have fun and right and actually enjoy being each other's presence yes and I And that's what would happen a lot of times when I was in a long-distance relationship. The in-person meet up, and this was me, because back then I was like not as emotionally regulated as I am now. That's 22. That makes sense. Yeah. So I would want to like talk about everything and be like, this is so hard. And I miss you and like all those things and just talk about whatever came up in the relationship of like, oh, well, I don't know your friends or stupid things.

things that I mean, I need, any of your issues, yeah, whatever the issues are. But like, so I remember, like, ruining a lot of visits because I, like, wanted to talk about all the things. And then it was heavy and it was hard and it wasn't fun. And then coming home and being like, oh, gosh,

like now he's going to feel like and I kind of feel like, what's the point? What's the point of this? Right. It's kind of not fun and doesn't feel good. Yeah. Well, long distance, then we, like, have these heavy conversations,

potentially an argument. and then we go home and we do long distance again. Do you think that that was like because of the long distance or do you think that like it was the relationship and then like the long distance sort of just showed like kind of showed that quicker? No, I think it honestly I think part of it was me at that age and not being emotionally regulated. Like I remember this is an actually funny story shows like it's crazy that like this was flesh and blood.

This was me in this moment. but like this doesn't feel like me as a person. I remember coming to visit my ex. I mean, you know, now my ex, but like my boyfriend at the time. And he lived in Texas and we went to a bar. And you know the song, I've got friends in little places. It's like a big country song that a lot of people know. And I'm from New York.

I live in L.A. for, you know, at the time. I never heard this song. And I show up to the bar. And it's him and all his friends, guys and girls. and they all start like singing this song. Okay. And I'm just sitting there like just feeling so excluded. Left out.

Left out. And I'm like, you have this whole life with all these people and you're all like singing this song. And I just felt like I have no place here. And I just like shut down. And I got like pissed. Right. Which was like looking back on it, I'm like, I've done that too. Where it's like you don't really know how to express that.

I didn't know how to say like I feel left out. So then I was like. just mad and like I kind of ruined the whole rest of the weekend and got back and I probably I picked I don't even remember what it was but I probably picked a fight about some little thing that right you know maybe he like had had his arm around someone they were swinging and I was like well a lot person and right fed into it stupid I couldn't even imagine doing that now but I was just probably very like hypersensitive little insecure insecure to the distance picked a fight over something ruined the weekend And it's just, I think when you're in long distance, you're so sensitive.

Like, you, there's just like... Well, you need a lot of, like, affirmation because you have such limited in-person time. So I think there's a sense of, like, again, if it's not perfect when we see each other, then what's even the point? Yes. Yep. So I get it. Right.

So she wants to know how not to do it. But she also, she's kind of like, yeah, I don't want to do that. That sounds horrific. Yes. So I'd like it to be, like, fakely all really pleasant, which is like sort of the other spectrum, which also doesn't seem like, the correct way. Like yours is like, okay, like, I'm going to be like very real.

Right. And she's like, I don't want to be totally fake. Yeah. Just to feel like I'm not ruining the week or making the weekend the best it could possibly be. Right. I guess it depends what your end game is, right? If you want this relationship long term, then like having those real conversations and being your real genuine self is going to give that relationship longevity.

Because otherwise, he doesn't really know you. when you're cranky or when you're you feel like lying in bed all day or you're not in the best mood. And so then you end up together and he doesn't really know you. And so maybe he doesn't like that person or you don't, you know, he's probably doing the same thing. Yeah. And I think it's okay to like be in a mood or like have a thing. I think it's more about like the way you're communicating that, which either makes like ruins the whole weekend or makes it like something that makes you strong like closer and stronger. Yes.

So if you know, if you're like if you had that experience at the bar and then you said, to him like, hey, like, I felt a little, like, sad or, like, excluded or like, like, I didn't belong here when that happened. And it made me kind of sad. Obviously, nothing you did wrong, but like, and then you, like, worked that out. Maybe that would have brought you closer and made the weekend even better. But if you're just, like, being kind of bitchy and then, like, starting a fight over something else, then, yeah, like, it does ruin the weekend. So I think it's about, like, being, being yourself but being mindful about how you're

communicating like any issues and like a positive not like I'm like going to pick a fight. Yeah I'm going to be in a mood or like I'm going to decide that this is like a state of being instead of like a situational irritation. Yeah I think you're right. And you could find that moment where you're like this is my moment to be vulnerable and connect versus

maybe the fear of like if I'm vulnerable it's you know and she needs to find that out like if she's vulnerable and she's leaning in and it's not always like positive chipper how does he handle that like you need to know that also that's why i say it's a matter of if you if this is just like this is fun for now which most people don't do long distance because it's fun for now like it's kind of crazy seem that fun for right if you do want longevity a he has to know you be you have to know how he reacts to you being yes in a mood yeah how you you You have conversation. I mean, that is one of the benefits of long distance is that you do get to do a lot of

talking through and a lot of like working through and communication from afar. But sounds like this couple needs to learn how to do it like in person. Right. Also without that fear of like it's going to ruin the weekend or it's not going to be all fun in game. So the intention that I wrote for her on this is connection is deepened through vulnerability, not positivity. So like you can't just be Pollyanna.

You have to be vulnerable, and that will deepen your connection. It'll make it last longer, you know, give the relationship more legs. Also, the distance will be worth it if we're working towards a genuine connection, not a curated one. Love that. You can't, you know, curate how this relationship is going to be, because that's not how the real life, how real life goes. But I feel like these weekends are probably very curated. And you need a genuine connection if you're going to have legs in this. Totally agree.

I think those are great intentions. Good luck. Let us know how this goes. Yeah, please do it. Let's do some triggers. You want to read our first one? I will read the first one. Here we go.

I like this one. Hi, Jay and Dr. Naomi, I have a triggered scenario for you. My partner has two daughters, 11 and 6, every other weekend. I do not want kids of my own, and while I'm pleasant with his kids, I'm pretty hands off. Through work, I got some free Minecraft swag and grab some to give them. the kids as I know their fans. When I gave it to them, they were super excited, but did not say thank you. I texted my partner. They didn't say thanks, L.O.L. And he didn't. Like how the L.O.L. at the end of it is like, like, what's funny about that? Just throw that in anytime you're saying

something like that is not funny at all. Totally. He didn't acknowledge the text or say anything in the moment. I eventually went to go to do my own thing. When it was just the two of us, I asked if he saw my text. and he brushed it off a little saying they were too excited and he did ask if they said thanks to me and they realized they didn't. When I saw the older daughter, she did say thank you. The next day, it was hot as fuck in our city. I decided to buy ice cream sandwiches as a treat for us all. He gives it to them after dinner and I said in passing if they knew where it came from. And he made a face. I'll try to drop it until the next day after they were picked up and my partner and I are about to split one and the box is nearly empty.

I say calmly. That bothered me a little that the girls didn't say thanks. And he rolls his eyes. It made me furious, quietly eating my ice cream sandwich. I put the other half down on the table and said I didn't appreciate the eye roll. He grumpily tells me to eat the rest. We just left it to melt a little on the table. She's painting such a sad picture.

I know. This is like Typhiel tension through the email. Yes. He ended up sleeping on the couch that night. And we haven't spoken for a few days now. So how triggered can I be for one, not being thanked for the Minecraft goodies? Two, not being thanked for the ice cream sandwiches and bonus, petty or prudent. I took the final two and a half sandwiches home with me.

Ice cream for thanks. Okay. It's a lot to unpack here. One, she did say thank you. It was the next day for the Minecraft goodies. So the older one said thank you. It was a day late, I think, for an 11-year-old, fine, fine. Day late, she said it.

It was probably awkward for her to come back the next day and be like, oh, by the way, thanks for the Minecraft stuff. And she did it. So good for her. That one, I think, is solved. I would agree. And it was some free shit you got at work. Right. Like, you've been saving up to buy them these things and you thought of them and then you, like.

You snagged it. Right. Yes. Again, like, I think a thank you is nice no matter what. I'm usually like pretty like slutty with the thank yous just like even if I'm not like, oh, you work so hard. But I think it's a she could have dropped that one. Yes. Okay.

So comes to the ice cream sandwiches and she says, do you know where these came from? Yeah. That's annoying. I agree. It's very condescending, I think. Here's a thing. I think when you're dealing with kids like, You got, thank, and she doesn't have kids of her own.

She says she doesn't want them. And like, maybe she doesn't have much experience with other people's kids. But like, and I don't either, but I have like a, I feel like being around kids is like a little bit of thankless job. Yes. And she's like in a parental role. She's like the dad's girlfriend. Yes. Like, it's just not the kind of thing if you want to like, she's not, it's not about her.

You're not in a relationship where no one's saying thank you. Like these are children. They're not like trying to even the playing field of like being appreciative to the level that you think you're giving. And again, it was like some box of ice cream sandwiches. I thought it wasn't even like ice creams that she bought on the street. Right. I don't think I would say thank you as a kid if like there was a box of ice cream sandwiches and we were all eating them.

And your dad went into the freezer and took them out. I can understand why the dad's like a little annoyed. Like you're being kind of condescending. Yeah, like you're just making this a thing when you're not putting that much effort in. And I guess to her these little efforts feel like a lot because I think that's. So we could get to the root of it, right? I think the root of it is she's not really loving this role, but she's kind of like pushing herself to try and wants it to be noticed,

maybe by him and by the kids. And look, I'm big on thank you. Like, I'm always that mom that's like, did you say thank you? Did you say thank you? So I get it. You want to teach your kids manners. But these two examples, the first one where the daughter comes back a day later and says thank you. And the second one where it's like a box of ice cream from the freezer where like that's

their house. They live there. Somebody went into the freezer and took out a treat and gave it to them. You're making them feel weird about like just living. Right. Like do you know where this came from? They don't know where anything came from. They don't know where any of the food in the house ever comes from. They're not going to the grocery store. They're not paying for it. They're not thinking about that. but I think the underlying thing is she's probably, and again, I feel bad because I feel like we kind of invalidated the other listener and this one. Invalidation. I do feel bad because I, so I get, I think, the bigger picture for her is like she's taking a, dipping a little tiny toe in the water of leaning into the set mom role and is not feeling appreciated. Well, I think she's learning a lot about

Maybe like she thinks that's what parenting is like Every time you do something nice for a kid that they're going to be like again Maybe as an adult would to be like, oh, that's so sweet. And you know what? Maybe the boyfriend should have said, oh, that was so sweet. Thank you so much. Maybe she's looking for it more from him. I guess.

But it seems like she's looking for it from the kids, which to me is the part where I'm like, I don't think you realize you're not like conversing with adults. that are like, care about making you feel seen. Right. Yes. They don't,

I mean, you want your kids to be polite, but in both of these, I could see, like you said, if they went out for ice cream and she went to the register and she paid for the ice cream

and, like, handed it to them. Right. And they didn't say thank you. And they didn't say thank you. Then I would be like, oh, did you say thank you? As a parent,

I would be like, oh, that's so nice. Thank you. Yes. Right. Say thank you. Right. Yes.

But these two instances, I think are perfect examples of occasions where, and they were so excited about the Minecraft stuff, almost like that should be your thank you. But it's like a little insight into it wasn't really necessarily just for seeing the kids so excited about the Minecraft stuff. I think this is between her and the boyfriend. I think she wants the boyfriend to acknowledge it

by saying something along the lines of, oh, so-and-so got these. Isn't that so nice? which is why she's like, do you know where these came from? Right, which he did, and then the daughter said thank you. Right. Yeah. Yeah.

Right. I think she wants, she doesn't really, she's not dying for this. Yeah. I don't think I'd want to be with someone that interacted with my kids like that. Yeah. I would find that off-putting. Right. Because it's a box of ice cream sandwiches in a freezer.

And you'd want someone who would be like crushing. Like you came home with a pony. Like, do you know where this came from? Yeah. Just showed up here, you know? Right. Or if they had been saying. saying like if they had been being rude to her or something like while after she brought them back

or if they had been like dismissive or if they're like ignoring her while eating her ice cream sandwiches like it sounds like they were all just enjoying the thing and I think to like set them to set it up like this is my expectation for like anything I do must be like fully like acknowledged and appreciated I think she's setting herself up to be like an evil stepmom yeah and the truth is that 11 year old she's lucky she's not like giving her the stink eye and like you know, being like, no, I'm not eating that. Right. You know, like she's 11.

She's pre-pescent. This is not her mom. It's like a new person that her father's dating. Like, I would count your blessings that these kids are excited and they're including you. And again, if you buy them a birthday gift, then they don't say thank you. If you hand them an ice cream cone directly and they don't say thank you. But when a kid's pulling something out of their own freezer, it's theirs. Right.

They're not like, they're not thinking about where it came from. came from. I agree. And I do think it's petty that you took the final two sandwiches. Well, the other thing I... And the other thing I realize is she logistically weird, too. She says, my partner and I are about to split one and the box is nearly empty. It's like there's two sandwiches left. Half sandwich. Oh, two and a half sandwiches. Yeah, two and a half. I wouldn't call that nearly empty.

To be nearly empty, maybe because we come from a house with eight kids. Nearly empty is like a half a sandwich left in the box. Two and a half sandwiches. Like, okay. There's one for each of you. So, yeah, she's being a little. Right. And she's giving, again, I think to zoom out, she's giving to get something back. She's not giving because she wants to see the kids happy.

Yeah. So I want her to get, like, I don't want our listeners ever to feel like they write in and then they got, like, crapped on. So I want her to get something out of this, which is that I think she needs to maybe reevaluate how she feels about this role and what her expectations are as a potential step, something something and maybe have a conversation with your boyfriend I think it's probably more about that or feeling like if you don't want to do these things and don't do them but to do them and expect that or potentially there's a fear of I don't think this is it because I don't think

she wants kids but like how he's raising them that he's not raising them to be grateful and that maybe and she has to live with them even if she's not like doesn't want her own kids right so if that's your fear then address that but these two examples are like a miss Yeah. I would say her saying, do you know where these came from, is a little, is kind of like a six trigger to me if I were like, if it was like my mom's boyfriend or my dad's girlfriend. Yeah, although she's the one writing in. I know. Well, I'm not addressing her. I'm triggered by her saying that. I don't think that like anything that happened here is. Yeah. Like a one. Yeah. Sorry. Sorry. We don't get. We do not give ones. Yeah. I think we're both giving this a one. All right. Let's do another one. I'll read it. All right. Hey, Jordana and Dr. Naomi, I'm a huge fan of the podcast, been listening since day one. I'm writing in with the triggered scenario. My nephew turned four this weekend and my sister-in-law posted a reel on Instagram of photos and videos of him over the last year.

It was very cute and I love that she does this. The thing that was triggering for me was that she included a video clip with my ex in it. The video was from a weekend family getaway at a cabin for my dad's birthday in April. We broke up about six weeks later in May and now it's about two months post breakup. I get why she wanted to include it. It's a cute video of all the boys sitting around the campfire, my nephew, my brother-in-law, my brother and my dad. At the same time, I also know that she takes so many pictures and videos of the kids, and I'm sure she had plenty to choose from. For context about the relationship, we were together a little over a year, and I was the one who ended it.

I imagine my sister-in-law thought it wasn't a big deal to include the clip because I've been doing generally okay, but it still felt shitty to see him in the real. Even though I ended the relationship, I'm still sad and disappointed it didn't work out. I love looking at photos of my nephew, and it just sucks that I either need to avoid this video or watch it and then be reminded of when my ex and I were together and he was part of my family. To top it off, I wasn't in any of the videos or pictures in the real. I wouldn't normally care about that, but it does add to the sting in this case. I don't think I'm going to say anything to her because I'm sure that there was no bad intent, but I definitely feel triggered by it. What do you think? How triggered can I be? Thanks for all your advice and wisdom, love and anti-betch. All right, what do you think?

I think I would also let this go if I were her. I think I could see why the sister-in-law is kind of like, you broke up with him, you seemed like you're fine. This is a cute, but like this is like a pretty cute video. I kind of want to put it in. It's like probably not more than like a couple seconds. And like the listener does write like, like, I feel like I can't keep, like how many times do you to watch it? Right. Like you're, it's not like his like wedding video. It's like, even then. Right. Yeah. How many times you watch it. Right. It's like his mom's one, four year old. Like, I would never watch that more than once. No, you watch it once and it goes into the abyss of the internet.

Yeah. I think it's not like, again, she's posting a picture of your wedding day with this guy. There was a picture framed in their house. Yeah. It was like on the wall with your ex in it. Okay. Would you do this? Would you like, if we have, you know, we have a lot of siblings.

If there was like a video you really wanted to use. It was really cute with someone's ex. There was like in the corner. I think I would do it. I probably wouldn't do it. I guess it depends. She doesn't sound like she's, if they were dating someone else, I'd probably do it. Right.

If they're still single, maybe I wouldn't. Even if they broke up with them? Yeah. Probably. Right. I mean, I could think of a situation. Right. In our family that like I probably wouldn't post someone's ex, even if they broke up with them.

Yeah, I guess. And I guess it's probably annoying. I'm not saying it's triggering. I don't think she, I don't think it's the biggest deal. I get kind of the thing of like this person's in it. but I'm not. That's like a little annoying. Like this random guy that nobody's going to talk to ever again.

Right. But it's not like he's like making a speech. He seems like he's just like one of the several. It's like if it was a picture of like the ex and the four year old nephew together. Like cheesing at the camera. I'd be like this seems really unnecessary. This person's never going to see him again. Get it.

It's like even the sitting around the campfire like that does sound really cute. I bet she like thought about it. And then she was like, I'm just going to do it. Yes. And it's sitting around a campfire. I could, maybe I would. It sounds cute. It does sound cute.

I don't think it's incredibly triggering. I don't think it's a zero. If he broke up with her, then higher, much higher. Much higher. Yes. Or if it was a picture of the two of them in there, much, much higher. It sounds like he's kind of like in the background. But I could see being taken off guard a little bit.

Right. But again, you don't need to watch this more than once. No. Not like, it's not like your friends are going to see this all, like all, you know what? It's not going to be publicly embarrassing. Right. I think what's happening here, and this is an interesting thing for people to be aware of in these triggering situations, is there's like a moment. We can all feel what that feels like that moment of triggering where you're either like you get sweaty or like you get hot or you get like that rush of something didn't feel good there.

And then your brain goes to this place of like whose fault is it? Right. When I think you just got triggered because you saw your ex and you weren't expecting to, which. is really hard. Anytime you see an ex-partner and you're not expecting to, it's like that triggering feeling. If you saw an ex from like, you know, 15 years ago, you'd probably be triggered, just like getting caught off a little chart. Yeah. And then I think we naturally have that tendency to be like, that's because of you. You did that. I think you just got triggered. Yeah. I agree with her decision to not say anything. Yeah. You never have to watch it again. But I think in that moment when she's saying like

every time I watch this, that's just her justifying. I think she keeps watching it also like several times because he's in it. Yes. She would never have watched it again beyond the initial post. Yeah. If any, I mean, I, you guys post like birthday carousels or whatever. Like I see them. If I see them. Even if I like to like them in that moment, I'll never see it again. Right. You see it. You like it. Maybe you comment on it. And then you move on. Yeah. So my point is she's, she's sticking on this every time. I love him and I want to be able to watch it.

That's a narrative that she's making up in her head to justify that she had an automatic reaction of my body got triggered. It's her fault. And now there's a narrative to justify all of that. Right. When it really was, you got triggered. That's okay. Breathe. It's okay.

Maybe you're still like grieving like she said, bits of the relationship or, you know, that's okay too. Even if you ended it. I agree. sometimes ending something is hard. It's not easy to make that decision. But it's not her fault. And you don't have to watch the video again. This is just like a little wave in your grief process of ending this relationship.

And it'll come and it'll go. I agree. I give it a three. Yeah. I agree. I'll give it a three also. All right. We did it.

Yeah. So please don't be afraid. Don't be afraid to write in. We will. Yeah. I mean, here's the thing. You're going to get in on it because we don't have to look. look at you in the eye. We can be very honest. We're going to tell you if you're the problem,

you know, sometimes you are. Sometimes you need to hear it. Like you said, even the therapist sometimes like has to play it a little bit slow and steady because you are in person. Right. And have to see their reaction. And again, thank you for writing in. Thank you for writing. I really do appreciate people. We get so many amazing submissions on different topics. And I don't think we thank the people that write in enough because it is nice. They're probably talking into a, avoid, you know, like we don't get to read that many. So I appreciate that you write in and give us lots of good food for thought. As do I. And they're always very thoughtful emails. So thanks guys. Check us out on YouTube. We're in person today. Yeah. And rate review and subscribe.

Comment on Spotify. Comment on the YouTube. We will read it all. And that's it for us. All right. That's our time. Great work today. Betches.