Oversharing - Am I Annoying For Always Playing Devil’s Advocate?

Episode Date: May 21, 2024

Today on Oversharing, Jordana and Dr. Naomi catch up on Mother’s Day, and why it’s more common these days for families to become estranged. Our Overshare comes from a Betch whose husband wishes she wouldn’t always play devil’s advocate. Today’s Betchicist goes out to a bridesmaid in a destination wedding who wonders if it would be ok to elope with her boyfriend on the trip. Dr. Naomi writes an intention for comparing yourself to more successful peers, brought to us by the newest season of Bridgerton. And we’re feeling triggered by relatives who need to be the center of attention, and mothers-of-the-bride with unreasonable demands on the bridal party. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

A quick note before we get into the episode, Oversharing is a podcast for entertainment purposes only. It is not a medical podcast and does not constitute medical or psychological advice. Always seek the advice of your physician or a mental health professional. Hello, and welcome back to Oversharing. I'm Jordana Abraham. And I'm Dr. Naomi Bernstein. How's it going?

Happy Mother's Day to you. Thank you. Yeah, we're recording this the day after. Am I supposed to text you? Are you supposed to text all the mothers in your life? I mean, you can. It's funny because I get like, it's nice. I get like random texts from like other people that I totally am not expecting.

And then I'm kind of like, am I supposed to text like every mother that I know in the world? Right. But it's sweet. I mean, I think whatever you do is good. The more you do is better. No big deal. No sweat. It's like, it's kind of like anniversary like messages.

Like, am I supposed to tell everyone happy anniversary? Like I don't. I think that's between the people. Right. that are celebrating with each other. With each other. Yeah. I think whatever you,

whatever vibe you're going for, I think is fine. If you like doing that, if it makes you happy, go for it. I do think that I feel like Mother's Day, I had a great Mother's Day, but I also have like nothing to be upset about.

And I feel like Mother's Day is triggering. Like even for a lot of my patients, it's kind of like if you have kind of a complicated relationship. Right. With your mother, triggering. It's like I now have to a day where you're like kind of forced to call your mother or forced to see if you're going to get a call from someone or like I think sometimes these days can be really triggering for people. I think too. There's this feeling of like,

um, you know, like a value like a time to evaluate in a time when like everyone is putting whatever they have like on display. Yes. Yeah. I just let me and I guess in some ways it's it's good maybe it makes you a little introspective about, you know, like I'll go to pick out a Mother's Day card. And I'm kind of like, nope, not this. This one doesn't sound right. That one's not, you know, like I usually end up just kind of writing my own thing because we, you know, it's like you have your own relationship and none of this seems to really fit. But I do, I get it.

You know, it's interesting. I was reading this article. You know, we talk about one of the things that in cre- when they study longevity, like, people that live the longest, one of the main predicting factors is like human connection and like community and feeling like you have really good, strong relationships. At the same time, I was reading an article that it's more and more common now for people to have these like a strange relationships. Like I don't talk to my mother. I don't talk to my father. I don't talk to my sister, like this type of thing. I wonder why that's more common. You would imagine it would used to

be more common when there weren't so many ways to contact people on like a lower scale level. Like if you wanted to be estranged from your mother in 1950, I feel like you could just not call her, like not see her. But now like, I don't know, I feel like you could send a text every once in a while and it's like lower lift than going to visit someone in person or something. Yes. I agree. I mean, I read something that said one in four people. has some type of an estranged family relationship, and one in ten are estranged from a parent or a child, which is really interesting. But I think, I mean, as a therapist, and you probably as someone who's in therapy,

could probably understand this. I think people are becoming more aware of like boundaries and setting boundaries and, you know, making sure that people aren't crossing your boundaries, whereas in 1950, that wasn't even, that wasn't like a word that people were using. Well, it's kind of like there are more divorces now than there used to be, right? And some people, you could look at that statistic and say, oh, people are, you know, like marriages are doing terribly. It's like, no, like all the people who were in the bad marriages are probably just leaving them. Like, yes.

It's not like, oh, the family relationships are so much worse. It's like people are just not putting up with terrible family relationships. Yes. And I definitely think there's more of a push for mental, like for prioritizing your own mental health over. these big kind of like community values of staying married and respecting your parents and like, you know, forcing yourself to be in a situation that maybe isn't great for your own personal mental health, but feels like it's a service to the larger community in some way. So did you read this as a good thing or a bad thing?

You know, it's interesting because I kind of see both as a therapist, I do often, you know, try to help people set boundaries and maintain their boundaries. But at the same time, I've been talking with a lot of patients about when they have a strained relationship, like talking about Mother's Day, for example, like if your mother-in-law, whatever is being annoying on Mother's Day. Like, you want to go see your mother. They want the, you know, the husband to come. Whatever it is, sometimes you can do the thing where you're like setting the firm boundary.

I'm being like, this is my boundary. This is what I want on Mother's Day or Crystal. or whatever, any rant, this is my boundary, which I think is good in some cases, but when you take it a little too far, sometimes it's easy to miss the forest through the trees. So like, I'll talk with patients about, well, what do you think this person, what do they really want from you? And I think sometimes we're so focused on just setting a boundary so that we're not upset or we don't get triggered or we don't get, you know, activated. So we set this boundary instead of thinking,

like, what does this person want? Oh, she just wants to feel loved. She wants to feel prioritized. She wants to feel whatever it is. So when you're thinking about these relationships are on the verge of being estranged or there's tension or there's conflict, sometimes if you can just pull yourself back and think, like, what do they really want? And can I give them that? Like, for example, our mom, like I could send her, I've sent her flowers, I've sent her chocolates, I send her these things, like for Mother's Day or her birthday. And she's like, if I want chocolates, I can buy them myself. Like, she's not thrilled with that. That's what she, she wants some expression of, I love you. Right. She'd rather you not go on like one 800 flowers and like

type in a couple things into a computer and spend $40 and send her flowers. That to her isn't what she wants. So I could do that. Then I know that's not what she really wants. Then she's not super grateful about it. And then I'm like, how dare you not be grateful about this thing that I did? Like, I'm trying to be nice. Right. But I'm not really thinking about what she wants and can I just give her what she wants. So I think that one option is to be like, oh, I'm not talking to you anymore. I keep trying to make you happy. I keep trying to do all these things to compromise and be nice and you're not respecting my boundaries. Like, I'm out. Or you can maybe pause a little bit and kind of think like, can I actually get maybe what they just need is, you know, I don't know, whatever it is

that they actually want that might not be that hard to give. Right. I mean, I would imagine estrangement, much like divorce is sort of like should be a last, in an ideal world that's sort of like the last thing that's on your list of fixes to an issue in a relationship. Right. Right. I guess. Yeah. No, I definitely agree with that.

But I think sometimes you can get stuck in this like tunnel vision thing of like I'm pushing this one direction on this relationship and they're pushing right back instead of thinking like maybe I can go around. Right. And think of another way to connect with this person instead of we just keep ramming into each other in the same dynamic that's been going on. And then I'm like, all right, that's it. This is a last, I can't handle this anymore, last resort. Now you're out. Which I'm not saying estrangement is never the answer. I think certainly if you're being abused,

verbally abused, emotionally abused, physically certainly abused. Right. Um, out. Yeah. I think the issue, the same thing with like the boundaries and the issue is like it kind of feels like if you, if you try to meet the person like to sort of appease them kind of like what you're saying it feels like that's something you just have to do for the rest of your life yeah which is like where it's like okay if instead of sending you flowers on mother's day I call you we have this long conversation now am I locked into long conversations biweekly weekly whatever forever and it's kind of like it's easy to it's easy to meet someone where they're at I think once or even like twice a year but it is harder to If you don't really like doing something, it's harder to commit to that, like, very frequently for with no end date.

Totally. And I think it boils down to what we talk about all the time. There's like a discomfort in your body when you're giving someone perhaps what they need and figuring out what that is. Is this because I feel like I'm being manipulated or I'm not being genuine or, which is why, like, with the Mother's Day card thing. Like I always feel a little icky if I just pick out a card and send it where I'm like, this isn't exactly how I feel. But I feel really good when I kind of write my own and I write my genuine, the parts that feel genuine to me. So I guess if that conversation is making you so uncomfortable or whatever that is,

you can kind of look at like, what about this is making, why is this making me so comfortable? Like, what is this triggering in me? I just think there's a culture towards like avoiding triggers, right? Like don't put yourself in any situation that's going to upset you. If someone's upsetting you, then they're crossing your boundary and that's not okay. So therefore, maybe the trend is to just like cut people off a little bit more quickly. Yeah. Than actually working through.

No, I agree. And I think it's all about like a balance. I don't think it's like just like let yourself be like shocked into like, you know what I mean? Being triggered so constantly that you're like numb to it versus opting. opting out of anything that you don't want to do at all. Totally. I do think there's like a fine line. I actually just talked to Jared about this on our Mother's Day episode, which came out yesterday, on the topic of triggers.

And I do think it's kind of like, I do think you're responsible for like figuring out your own triggers. But yes. I also think like that doesn't mean that you should opt out of like living in the world that you're living in. Totally. Yep. Yeah. So anyway, I get mothers like, I had a great time. It was really nice.

But I know that there's a lot of people that it's just, you know, not ideal for a lot of ways, especially people that have lost a mother or, you know, there's so many different ways that it's triggering. So I get it. I see you all out there. And sometimes it is, even though you're like, oh, Mother's Day sucks. Like if it's not your favorite holiday for one reason or another, it's kind of like, well, what's being triggered here? And maybe this is a day that I'm not going to spend like out to brunch

and like having a great time. Maybe I'm going to just feel my feelings today. Right. Well, again, it reminds me of that Valentine's Day episode you do where it's like sometimes there's days where you just need to get through the day. Yep. Exactly. Let's see what some other people are going through. Let's focus on someone else's issues. If you guys would like to leave us a voicemail, we have a voicemail at the end of this episode. You can leave us one at 646363-6294, or you can email us at oversharing at betches.com. I will read our first overshare. Let's get into it. Hello, Jordana and Dr. Naomi. I have an intention or betchesist for you. My husband and I recently got an argument over iPhones, L.L. Not exactly, but that was the tipping point that led to a bigger discussion about

playing devil's advocate. His phone recently broke, so he had to get a new one. He had been an Android user for many years, but was curious to try out an iPhone. He seemed like the perfect time. So he's been testing it out and hating it. He doesn't get why so many people swear by them and he finds them to be inferior. If it matters, he's big into tech and also an engineer, which both demographics tend to lean more Android, I think. I've heard that as well. He was complaining about it and I was offering up counterpoints and asked to see his phone so I could mess with the settings. That really bothered him and he said, it's probably good for him that I don't always agree with him, but it's so annoying how I always fight against him. Anyway, that turned into a bigger

discussion slash argument about me always playing devil's advocate. Always is an exaggeration, but I do notice myself doing it a lot. In my head, I'm standing up for someone who can't speak up for themselves. In this case, it's ridiculous since it's a phone, but I guess I'd argue I'm standing up for iPhone users. He tends to be dramatic and also so decisive. how terrible something is or how big of an asshole a driver is when they do one wrong thing. He doesn't have a huge ego and is completely fine with being wrong and changing his mind, but it is just quick to come to a conclusion. I feel like people hate people who play devil's advocate a lot.

I know Jared does, L.O.L. And I don't want to be annoying. Sometimes I argue because I genuinely disagree. But usually it's just because there's never only one correct way of looking at things and it doesn't feel good to just shit on people. Usually I do agree with him or have zero real opinions. either direction. It's also often about dumb things, which is maybe worse, ha ha, not things that actually matter are things I feel super strongly about. I get that my thing is annoying, but I find it annoying when

people can't see the other side of things. How obnoxious is it when someone disagrees with you for no good reason? I suggested he prefaced by saying he wants to rant and not have a discussion. He didn't like that option since he likes the debate sometimes and also didn't want to stifle my opinions, which makes sense, but confuses me more. Thanks, an argumented. Fetch. This is really great. I think a lot of people experience this and don't really understand why they feel the need to do this.

It's funny. Also, I mean, like even, I was just watching Summer House. I don't know if you watch that. I need to watch that. Everyone keeps telling me to watch that. I do like kind of trashy couple reality shows. Yeah. Well, in the most recent episode, there's a, there's a fight that's happening between Carl

and Lindsay who were engaged. their engagement winds up getting called off. If you find out later, you're watching them. Spoiler alert. I mean, like, they're real people. So like that everyone knows that when watching it. Okay.

But this is before the engagement gets called off, which is kind of like the best part of these shows is when something's happened. And then you get to like see how it devolved to a place of that happening. But there's one part where he's sober and he's telling her how he like wants to get into, he wants to get into the like non-alcoholic drink business, like the mocktail business essentially. And so he's telling her about this and he was talking about going back to work

with his friend. And she's basically like asking all these questions, like basically like being like, do you remember when you did like that before and you didn't like it or like, how do you feel like you're going to make? She's just asking like all these questions. He's like, I don't feel like you're being supportive. And she's like, well, it's not my job to just like,

my job is like someone who's going to be marrying you is to you know make sure like you've thought this through fully I'm not like even giving my opinion she says I'm just like asking questions and asking questions can almost seem I think worse in some senses than giving opinions right you're like trying to convince the other person that it's their idea that they don't want to do it but I also understand it was funny because this was like a very interesting fight where I totally saw both sides um but very similar to this question too, I think.

Yes, totally. I mean, I think there's two, there's a few different motives for this. One is what it sounds like this woman is doing, which is like, I kind of want to push you in a certain direction, but I don't want to come out and say it. So I'm just going to ask questions that are making it pretty obvious that I'm trying to be kind of like the cautious, pessimistic, like. Like, you know. Right.

Which I think some level of is, is okay. Right. You know. I agree. I think sometimes it's helpful because this isn't something like that. Let's just take that example for a second. The one from the email or the one from the reality show. The one from the summer house.

Okay. I think a better way to handle it because this isn't something that's going to happen overnight. It's not like if she says, oh my God, that's cool. Like that sounds like something you're passionate about or, you know, that he's going to go and write a check. for, you know, $10 million that day. Like, I think it can't hurt to initially lean in. It's almost like you're with your partner and they're like vibing on something. It's almost like you're in the car and you're like, oh, my God, I love this song.

And you're like vibing. And then they're just like, eh, it's like you're killing my vibe. You know, so I think she could lean in initially with, oh, wow, like real curious questions. Like, oh, what do you think would be fun about that? what's your goal like stuff that feels more neutral and then as the conversation once you see that they're getting more serious about this type of thing after you've already allowed them to kind of like enjoy the moment like that's one of the most fun things in life you know and you're like have this idea i'm really excited about it maybe it'll make some money it's like you want your partner to

share in that with you there's nothing better than that like i don't know if you've ever had that but like if you're into something and you have a great idea and then your partner's like, wow, yeah, that is a really good idea or like, it doesn't mean you can never go back and be like, okay, well, so what's the investment? How much are we going to need? What are the risks? Yeah. So I think initially you could be a little excited for them. But back to the listener's question about like why she keeps. So one reason I think is because you might really be nervous and like that and not want someone to take on a challenge or you, don't think it's a great idea or but i sometimes it more is what this listener seems like she's

thinking is that it's more like um kind of speaking for the side that's not being represented like there there's an urge to for that i find that to be like a more annoying reason to do it personally like i'm happy to squash your dreams no because one is like oh this is like has deep repercussions like you going into this thing or investing our money or like just not going on this path this is like a more high stakes decision and so even if I want my want you to be excited with you or I want to like feel I want you to be like happy and excited and feel like I'm supportive I also want to make sure we don't make a big mistake because we're both just being a little too positive about something that maybe has some glaring air issues that I maybe see better than you

Yes. This one with like the iPhone Android thing, I think is kind of like, like she says, like the other is an iPhone that she's sticking up for. Right. And so in that case, I think it's a much easier thing to say like, oh yeah, that like I don't really get it, you know, to like agree with them. But also I don't think you should have to agree if you don't agree. If she genuinely doesn't agree, I think, you know. And I like what she said about like the rant. She's like, if you just want to rant, that's.

Yeah. Totally. Because sometimes people do just want that or they just want to feel like heard. Yes. Yes. For sure. And I agree. I wish you would have kind of taken that because I think he probably does. I mean, he doesn't want to feel like she's just yesing him. But yeah, sometimes you just are feeling a strong emotion. You want to say what you want to say. And the worst thing that feels the worst in the moment is when someone's like, well, I kind of can understand why they. Right. You know, you know, well, maybe they cut you off because they had to, like, they had to go to a doctor. You know, they were like having a baby in the car. You know, it's like, no, that's not what it is. You're being annoying. I mean, let's take another example, I think maybe more common or more realistic than the iPhone example.

Not this unrealistic, but I'm saying like that comes up a lot. We're like, let's say someone has a bad relationship with their boss or a coworker. And they come home and they're like talking about how terrible this person or this thing is over and over. And in that case, I feel like that's a more clear example of I'm trying to stick. I'm trying to like give the other person's opinion to maybe like rationalize this thing for you more. Like what do you think one should do in those situations? Yeah. I mean, the reason I love this question is because it's so complicated.

Like it could be and which is why I think it irritates people. It could be, I kind of think that you might be seeing this from a skewed perspective. And I gently want to point that out. Like if someone, like you say keeps coming home and saying their boss did this and their boss did that, it might be a gentle way of saying, like, well, maybe your boss is getting annoyed because you keep coming in late or whatever, you know, like gently trying to point out the other side. That's one reason why someone might be doing this. Another one, I think, is sometimes we're just really uncomfortable with other people's negative

emotions. It's the same reason why when someone's crying, it's very hard to just kind of be like, I'm here, like, you know, I know there's nothing I can say right now that's going to make this feel better. It's really hard to do that. It's really hard to just let people that we love be sad. And sometimes it's hard to let people that we love just be angry. So it almost feels like, well, I could maybe I could talk you out of being angry if I point out this other thing. And then you'll feel better and I love you so that makes me feel better that you're not feeling angry anymore. So I think that's probably sometimes a big reason too is like I just want to say something, but that's not going to happen. It's the reason why we all, you know, we pick a side and we stay on our

side and that's what it is. So like if he wants to be mad at his boss or he wants to be. Mad at iOS. Right. Exactly. I don't think he's going to be like, you know what? That's a great point. You know, I'm really glad that you. Right. Or at least not in that moment. Right. It's not going to do it. Exactly.

Right. But I do think sometimes it's just when we play devil's advocate, it's a little, it might come in part from like, I'm uncomfortable that you're getting really angry here. And I'm trying to like diffuse the situation by neutralizing it with the other perspective because your emotions are making me uncomfortable. Even though that doesn't really work. No. Right.

No. It is trying to, it's kind of trying to control someone else's emotions in some way because you don't like that he's getting what, how, I forget how she phrases it, but it's something that feels like it's, you know, kind of a lot. Or he's like, you know, he's a little drastic or he's a little intense about his opinions. So she might be trying to change him in that we do this a lot in couples. Like we passively try to change each other with these little subtle, like what questions we're asking or not asking or how we're playing devil's advocate. It can sometimes be a passive, aggressive way of trying to change somebody. Yeah. To me, I actually just had a fight

like this, I think. I think as if you're the person who's doing the ranting, right? Like, thinking about what they would want to hear or want. And I think, and tell me if this is like wrong psychologically, but I think it works, is like even just having your feelings like mirrored to you makes you feel understood. Like I could totally see why that would be like so frustrating. Or I can see, you know what I mean? Like that must have felt really horrible. Right.

Yes. I think something like that makes you feel like somewhat like you're not alone and your feelings or you feel like understood. Yes. And so you don't even have to agree with that, but you could say I could like, I could see why you would feel that way. Right. Makes you feel like more just like, oh, I'm seen.

Like these emotions aren't just like happening in me and no one actually is acknowledging them and like no one's acknowledging this wrong that's being done to me. Yes. Yeah, totally. And even with the iPhone, he might want to be like, I don't get. And I don't know. I've never even tried an Android. But like, why is everyone so.

stuck on iPhones if the Android is like superior. I could see that being annoying if you're in tech and you're aware that it's like a superior device, but iPhone has manipulated everyone by like connecting all their whole life to this one operating system. Yeah. And that might be easy to just be like, yeah, I could see why that's really annoying. Yeah, I totally agree.

And I think you could even do it just by saying like if you really don't feel like the person's valid, like you said, reflecting back by just being like, so when you were driving in the right lane, he just came from the side and like went right in front of your car. Right. And like, retell their story to them. Retell their story to them, which is like, I'm really not taking a side, but I'm just showing you that I'm like actually really listening. But yeah, I think it's people are just looking to be heard and they do want some validation

that I think ultimately, I'm not crazy for feeling triggered by the. this thing, whatever it is. But yeah, devil's advocate is, it's very tempting sometimes. And it just is interesting. So I don't have the fix for this. But if you find yourself doing this, I think it's a great opportunity after the fact to pause and be like, what? Why couldn't I just do the thing that you said? Like, why did it feel so uncomfortable for me to just validate him in that moment? Right. What is coming up? You know, I know for me, sometimes coming from like divorced parents, it feels like I need to protect both sides. Like, that's why I think I'm really good at couples therapy because I'm very much like, I know that

there are two sides to the story. And I want everybody to feel heard and listened to and respected. And so I'm very cautious when a conversation turns in to one, right, to one sided. So just being aware of like, okay, why couldn't I just tell him? Yeah, it is really weird that everyone has iPhones when seems like Android's superior. I don't get it or whatever he needed to hear in that moment. Right. And then again, like if he was like the next day, he's like, and I'm going to like throw this iPhone in the garbage. I think then, like if there was like an action that required like like an intense action that was being taken immediately, I think that would make more sense as to like, wait, wait, like let's talk about the other side.

But like again, if it's just about sharing the feelings, I think like you can start with supportive and then get into motivational questioning. Totally. Same. Yeah, same thing with the, you know, starting a company or whatever it is. Like in the beginning, just be like, yeah, that's a really fun idea. Like that sounds awesome. And then when they're ready to write the check or sign the contract, then you can start to

dig in a little bit more with the rest of it. If you don't want to be supportive and then just take it back suddenly when they're ready to write the check and then they're like, whoa, I thought we were both into this. I think you could just even like say like that's really exciting. Yes. Even if you're not like, you know what I mean? Instead of like that's an amazing idea. If you don't believe it's an amazing idea, you'd say that's really exciting. Like you got this opportunity or something.

Yes, I like that. I like that. Totally. But I love this question. It's like making me think now because I do this sometimes too. so I think just pausing to figure out, well, why am I doing this? What's getting triggered in me? It sounds like for a lot of people, it's fear.

I'm afraid you're going to blow all our money. Or like, I'm afraid that you're going to, you know, jump on some bandwagon to wherever because, you know, you're taking the majority. Like, I think this listener feels like there is a tendency to, like, have a majority opinion generally, and she feels like she needs to represent the non-majority. opinion to kind of even things out. And that is a fact. Like humans, we do like to kind of go with the masses and do with, do what the masses are doing. So sometimes it does feel like I need to protect the underrepresented. Right. Whoever's not here right now. So, yeah, it's a good moment to

be conscious of your feelings, your triggers. What's causing you to not be able to just tolerate someone's opinions in that moment. Yeah. Well, good luck with that. Yeah. That's a great, interesting question we haven't tackled before. Let's do a betchesist. Sure, I will read this one. Good morning, Dr. Naomi and Jordana. First, thank you for all you do. I love listening to y'all, discuss topics and provide new perspectives on listeners' questions. Now to the question, can we get hitched to? I am a bridesmaid an upcoming destination wedding. The venue the bride has selected has a wedding perk. If you stay three nights, you get a free wedding.

The bride and groom will be doing the free wedding, but they are also asking all of their guests to stay the week for all the wedding festivities. So while they're getting the wedding for free, the guests are paying some serious money to be involved slash attend the wedding, $600 per person per night, and the room requires minimum of two people. She's going all out for the wedding as she deserves, but it made me think of an interesting question. Can we get married too?

My boyfriend and I have been together for over five years and have considered eloping. While this wouldn't be my ideal destination spot, it is a great place, and of course we wouldn't make a big deal out of it, so no guests or extended friends or family, just a quick and cute wedding. But how much of a no-no is this? I mean, it would be free for us because we're staying more than three days. Dr. Naomi, I know you had a destination wedding as well. How would you have felt if one of your guests had a small wedding a few days later at the same venue?

Would you want as the bride to know, to be asked, or for your guests to just do it quietly? Or is this just a major faux pop? In my particular case, I do feel like the bride would feel her thunder was stolen if I did this, but I just have to ask, can we get married too? sincerely no one would have to know. Interesting one. Yeah, this is a great betchesist. Yes. I think you can do it too if you don't tell anyone.

Yeah. I think if you didn't tell anyone and no one knew and you're there and you really wanted to do it, you can do it. Do I think you should do it? Probably not. I do think it takes away from the, like, the special feeling of like, you know, it kind of feels like very convenient as opposed to like thought out. And I think even just for her own, her and her fiance's own sake, I feel like they would enjoy something that was less convenient that felt more like them. And she's even saying like, this is a nice, this is a nice enough place.

Like we just get married here. Like, right. I don't know. It doesn't feel like that's. special to me. Right. And they're already there for a wedding. But I think if she did all that being said, if they really did want to do that and they

didn't really care at all and they were like, get a free wedding, we're already going to be here. And they didn't want to tell anyone. I think that would be fine. Yeah. I think that that's there. If it doesn't, if it's not special or unique enough or whatever for them, I think that's their call to make. Like if they would prefer a different destiny.

nation or whatever. I honestly, this is just, this is probably just me and maybe an unpopular opinion, but I wouldn't care if it was me. I didn't think I'm right. I might care if it was like they were making a whole wedding and it was going to be like a reception and a whole thing and they had people flying in and it was going to be a big, you know, a whole other huge event. But like, if they said to me, hey, this place is so beautiful. Like we'd love to get married here. And one day when everyone was off doing whatever they were doing on a free day, they stood on the beach and said some words to each other and like got married and had a moment.

I'd almost be like flattered that they felt that this place was so beautiful that they wanted to get married there too. Like I personally would be happy for them. I don't know if I would care either. Again, if it was extremely low key and I just happened to know about it. but I just feel like it would have to feel separate from like the things like you spend a lot of time putting on your own wedding and to feel I don't know it would I feel like it would just have to be really discreet like if I knew about it and it was super discreet I wouldn't care but I do think

it's kind of tacky to like get married at someone else's wedding you're not even supposed to wear white that's what I'm saying actually get married get proposed to any of that stuff I feel like It is kind of like an etiquette no-no. Right. I agree. If it was like at the wedding or at one of the wedding events, I totally agree that it would have to be super discreet and like your own little thing. I just think it would be really awkward if she didn't say anything.

And then they're like standing at the beach getting married and somebody walks by and they're like, wait, is that like so-and-so getting married? Like what? This is crazy. Right. I think you'd have to just maybe mention that it's very low-key. you're planning on eloping. Like I think that changes the whole landscape, the fact that it's like just the two of them.

Right. Standing in a beautiful spot and exchanging vows, I think is way different than like. I don't want to see a social media post about that though until like a month after my wedding. Yeah, I guess that's true. Like how low key can you really be about your own actual wedding?

I think it has to be about like, I'm talking about social media specifically. I think all that would be fine. I don't think you can post about it. I just don't, I think that's like weird when everyone's there for a different wedding. Yeah, I don't know. I mean, look, I, I get it. I don't think you're crazy for feeling that way, but I also kind of just feel like more love.

It's love. We loved it here so much. You picked such a great spot. Like imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. I get it. No, I'm not saying it's like offensive intrinsically, like it's an offensive action. I just think it's kind of like I think a lot of the wedding rules are kind of stupid like I'm always like annoyed when I have to like like like look at my the dress I'm wearing and make sure there's not an ounce of white in it at the thing when I don't think like the bride would actually even care if it's like an office it's like a light pink that could look white in certain lights and I'm like and then part of the reason I don't wind up wearing that dress is not because I think like oh I can't steal it's more like I don't want anyone talking about how I might be wearing a white dress. Right. Yes. That's what I think if I'm being, if I'm being introspective in this moment about why I just want to be like, do it, go to the beach, enjoy your time, exchange your vows, is because it is a little bit of like a rebellion against this like Bridezilla wedding culture where it's like, I'm the special princess of the day.

And no one is like I have to sign a wedding clause that no one may get married within seven miles of my wedding destination within 14 days. It's like, come up. Yeah, I think a lot of it's ridiculous. But I think that like there are certain societal things that are in place. And again, if the question was like, can I wear the stress? I always think that's kind of like dumb. But I think it's more like I think it'll take away from the special elopement ceremony to the anxiety of wondering if it feels weird.

Yes, I agree. It would be weird, I think. It would feel weird. some people would think it was weird and I just think you wouldn't want that energy in like your elopement totally and the truth is it sounds like the reason they would do this is to save the money but if you're really just eloping the two of you like on a mountain side somewhere like how much is it really going to be to just get your officiant to do the thing and the two of you stand there it's not like you're serving steak to you know 200 people um yeah I think it probably

would be slightly stressful for you. It may be off-putting to the bride. If you're not saving that much money, because I'm assuming the, the free wedding probably comes with like a small reception for like a few people, like five people or something. Usually that's what happens.

Like what else are they giving you if they're not giving you? An efficient, a photographer maybe, a few pictures. I don't know. Right. Yeah, it depends on what they're getting. I'm assuming they're doing this to save money. Maybe they don't have to travel to another, like beautiful scenic destination.

But if you're planning on taking a vacation at any point with your boyfriend, maybe it is just a little bit less of conflict to just do your own thing. But that being said, I think if it's low key and you let her know, hey, it's so beautiful here, we're just going to scoot off one afternoon and we're going to, you know, we've been wanting to do this anyway. I hope you understand. It's not going to interfere with any of your events. I just wanted to give you the respect.

I mean, I had a destination wedding too. Yeah. If someone said that to me. Yeah, how would you feel? If it was like you got married on a Saturday and they wanted to elope like the Tuesday after the wedding. I think if it was after and it was low key and there weren't like posts about it, I would be fine with it.

Right. I don't know if I agree with the post thing, but whatever. I think the post thing is just like, it's just like a public, it's like you can't really be low key when you're posting about something on social media. Again, if they posted about it like a month after. I don't know like you do spend you do spend a lot of like time and money and energy planning your wedding and I do think it's like one of the few events of your life that is kind of like should feel special to you so I do understand why someone would be like oh no this isn't like our wedding weekend like this is my

wedding weekend right now I get it I totally get it I just think there's almost and what I'm being conscious of myself in this moment is like there's like this false sense of like uniqueness. It's almost like, you know, if I get married at like beaches, there's 10,000 people that have these same wedding photos that I have from that same spot with the same decor at the same resort. That weekend. And it's not someone, it's like your friend on that day.

Right. I know. I just feel like there's almost like this false. It's supposed to be a special. Right. This is the only person in the world that ever. had this exact thing. It's like, we can pretend that you are.

Or we could just be honest to be like, this is a beautiful spot. You got married here. So will thousands of other people. And let's call a spade a spade. Again, I think like same venue, fine. Like, it's just like, it's a, it's, it's, there's something special about your wedding day. I can understand like, I know.

I know. You wouldn't want five of your friends to get married on your wedding day at your venue. Right. Like that would, that would. that would take away from the specialness of that feeling. And so I do want to respect that. No, I kind of agree. All right.

I'm curious what everyone thinks. Let us know. How do you weigh in on this? I have a feeling your opinion's pretty unpopular. But let's see. I think so too. I'm like old and jaded. I'm like,

everybody gets married and away. I feel like I'm leaning towards you. Then like the bride should like never speak to her again. Like if someone said that to me, I would be fine with it. but I think it would be more embarrassing for the person doing it than it would be for me. Yeah. Again, it's like wearing a white dress to a wedding.

Like if I was the bride, would I go to the person wearing white and say like, get out of here? No. Right. But like, would they probably feel their own awkwardness of everyone like kind of being like, it's kind of weird that she wore white to someone else's wedding? Yes. Like I think that's the real punishment. It's not from the bride.

It's from like the people who will talk shit about you. Right. And the last thing you want to do is be getting married and like looking over your. shoulder to make sure that nobody sees and, like, thinks that it's, you know, cringy. So I would say it's a no-go. All right. If you were going to ask what I think she should do. Yeah.

It's probably not worth it. It's not like they're giving her a, like a legitimate free wedding, like a, you know, a free wedding that's worth like $20,000. It's like they're probably giving her like a free bottle of cheap champagne and like a photographer for 20 minutes. Right. This episode is brought to you by Netflix. Hold your carriage horses and tighten those corsets. Bridgerton is back. Wallflower Penelope Featherington is finally ready to blossom this season and find a suitable

marriage match with the help of former crush Colin Bridgerton. To complicate their romantic worlds further, there's still the matter of Penelope's secret identity as the famed gossip writer Lady Whistledown. Will the truth about Penelope get in the way of the romance she's long dreamt of? Confidence is a big key to stepping into the light and embracing your true identity. It can be easy and comforting to hide behind smoke and mirrors, but Living honestly is your most authentic self is endlessly rewarding. For today's intentions, we have a message from a listener who wants advice on stepping into their light.

And I'll read it. Dear Jordana and Dr. Naomi, thank you for everything you do with the pod. I've loved listening every week and really value your insights. I'm writing because I'm struggling with feelings of jealousy and would love an intention to help out. My husband and I moved to L.A. in 2019 to pursue our dreams of working in creative industries. I now work in entertainment tech and he works as a music producer and engineer.

Even though I have been making a solid salary for a few years now, we still live on a tight budget because his earnings are very inconsistent. He has had some big wins in his career, but nothing lasting so far to grant us dual income stability. We were married last year and are expecting our first baby this September. Since our second bedroom will now go from being a home studio to a nursery, we are taking a big risk. My husband is renting out a recording studio space for six months to make a final push to establish his career. If this doesn't work, he wants to pivot career paths to something more stable. Amazingly, his dad has offered to help with the studio rent for the first couple of months, so it shouldn't impact our household income too much, I hope. Even still, between expecting a baby

starting a business in a risky industry and generally living in an expensive city, we're fairly broke. Logically, I know that this is temporary. Either the recording studio will succeed or fail, and either way will be okay, but it's hard to feel so behind financially when we are in our early mid-30s. I want to be fully supportive of my husband making bold career choices, but I'm scared about the amount of stress we'll have financially. I'm getting tired of struggling and worrying about the cost of a haircut or lunch with friends. I look at my friends and colleagues with upper middle class dual incomes and I feel really jealous that they have financial comfort and freedom we don't have. We can pay our bills and still have some money left over and I know there are families in much

harder situations, but I can't help but comparing our life to our peers who have healthy savings accounts and don't flinch when they need to buy a new bra. Do you have an intention to help me accept our financial situation without comparing it to others? How do I deal with the next six months of uncertainty if this venture will succeed or fail? And what that means for our financial future? How do I stop it from impacting my relationships with my friends who are outpacing us financially? Thank you, budgeting baby mama. Yeah, this is kind of like we're talking about before. You know, like, do you lead with fear when your partner is excited about something and there's something that's like making their heart sing that's potentially risky or can you see the real

depth of connection in supporting them to live a life that's going to be passionate for them or exciting. It's hard. Right. It's really it's challenging. I think a big part of it for her is like comparing herself to peers. So I think if she was not in a world where other people were doing better, she might be like, all right, we have enough money to pay our bills. And still have like a little bit of money left over. Yes, we have to be cautious about things, but I don't think it would feel so bad if she didn't feel like she was behind, like if there wasn't a basis of comparison. Right. And I hope that she can look at it as like there is, there's different types of wealth. You know, that's, yes, you need to pay your rent.

You need to be able to put food on the table. You want to be able to socialize with people. You want to, you know, you want to maybe indulge in a couple of nice things. But ultimately, and I have felt like this for a long time. I'm obviously, you know, married to a musician and I've been supportive of him following his passion because I just feel like I enjoy being with him more when his heart is like singing. You know, I think it's great to kind of really join in that passion with that person because you see that they are a better, more fulfilled, happier person. They're going to come home at the end of the day, bringing more joy and more. more contentment and living from their heart space more if they're following, you know, their passion. So it's almost like a win-win if you can look at it in that way and join them in like that they're more fun to be around versus, you know, if this doesn't work out, six months down the line and he's doing whatever else he's doing, he's kind of like sad and longing and not feeling like he's following his passion. Yes, maybe you'll have more money, which is great. I'm not

discounting that, but he's also going to be a little bit more of like a, you know, a shell of himself, at least while he goes through the process of like grieving the loss of this dream that he had. So I don't think you get the same exact person. Like if we're talking about partners, whether they follow their passion for less money, and we've had this question in a couple of different ways, or they, you know, follow their, you know, they take the whatever boring job that's not that exciting for more money, there's going to be the tradeoff, unless you have a very resilient partner that's just going to be able to stay steady, you know, no matter what. Right. But I think like if there's other's like third options too, like he could get a job in

in the music industry where he's maybe not making the music, but he's in, he's, you know, people do that all the time. People try to be professional athletes and then they become like coaches. Right. Yes. Yes. Someone, you know, who sports agents or something like that. totally. I do think there's like another option probably there that could maybe help her feel they're not stressed out financially. Totally. Yeah. And I think in some cases, in some ways, she's in the best case scenario. Like I think they're giving it six months. It's sound, I get the tone that she realizes they're going to be okay for the next six months. That's the vibe that I get. I don't think this is like a life or death situation. So you're going to give it six

months, I think it is one of the most beautiful gifts that you can give to your partner to support them as they're following a passion, especially if he's doing it in this way where he's like, okay, I'm not being crazy. I'm not saying I'm going to follow this into the ground, but he's being reasonable saying, give me six months to really try this. And then again, like you said, if it doesn't work out, he can find something adjacent that's more stable. I'm not saying he's going to come back depressed and crying from work every day. But I do think there's going to be a period where he's probably going to be a little bit, you know, like just coming to terms that this isn't happening for him or, you know, in this moment. But yeah,

I'm on the leaning towards like if you can do it and you're not going to be putting your family at risk. And of course, she's pregnant, right? So like that makes her probably more anxious in general about this. If it was just the two of them, she might be more easily able to say, do it. Let's see what happens. Like if we need to, you know, live in a studio apartment, we can do that. But it's harder to do that when you have, you're about to start a family. So. Right. I mean, yeah, it seems like her anxiety is around, like, or the intention she's looking for is around like the comparison aspect of it or like the feeling of probably anxiety that she gets when she has to spend money wanting to be at a stage where she can spend money without thinking about it as much or on necessities at least. Right. And yeah, I agree.

As far as the comparison, it's interesting because it comes back to the whole social media posting thing. You can post that you have such and such house or you're wearing this thing or you're holding this bag or you're taking this trip and it's something that people can see. We're all kind of comparing ourselves to, but there's so much wealth in like the beauty of supporting your partner and the beauty of like potentially spending every day going to a job that you love. like that's worth everything versus like going to a job that you hate and then coming home and like buying yourself a bag to make you feel better because you just spent 10 hours like miserable. So if you are making the comparison, don't just compare the parts that are visible from the outside. Make sure you're taking into account the wealth that you have, one in like the strong relationship that you're going to have with your partner as you're being so supportive of him.

That's only going to bring you closer and that's going to be a strength of your marriage that may not postable on Instagram, but that's like a wealth that you two have between the two of you that no one's going to even know about. And two, the idea that you could have a partner if this works that is just like in love with what he's doing every day. And that's the biggest wealth that I think you can have is to have a job that you really love going to every day. So yes, physical wealth of like your house and, you know, being able to buy nice things, that's not going to be there. But I think there is so much more that you can gain that. might not be visible or as comparable because you don't know people's marriages, you don't know

that their hearts are singing or that they're joyful about their passion. I mean, unless people, you know, I guess people try to post about that in one way or another, but it's not as easy as like, I'll look at my outfit or my vacation or whatever. But I think there's a huge amount of wealth there just in the spiritual and like the heart part. What about the feeling of anxiety that she gets when she has to spend money, though? Yeah. Because again, I think there's like a difference between like, Oh, I want to buy really expensive things. But she's talking about it's like, I want to buy like an everyday thing. Right.

Lunch with friends or a haircut or whatever. Yes. Yeah, no, I told. Which I do think there's like a level of income that does kind of affect your happiness. I think there is like an actual number. So how do like you're right. How does she deal with that when? Yeah.

No, I, I totally agree. I think it's going to be tough. I think keeping in mind that this is temporary. Yes. For six months, she might have to put her haircut and say, of getting her haircut every two months, she might have to get her haircut every four months or, you know, five, six months or whatever it is. And yes, but I think the fact that this is temporary is going to make it more tolerable. If this was like, he was just being like, I'm going to

run this thing into the ground. I'm never giving up and I need you to support me. That's a different story than like, all right, we're going to tighten our belt for six months. We'll make it through. And it sounds like even with that, it's more of like these little inconveniences of like, I can't really go to that lunch spot. I'll meet you guys after or whatever, which I'm not saying. That's annoying. Right. You know, to have to be thinking about, oh, I can't go to that lunch spot. It's too expensive. But, you know, we think about like, oh, what do we want to, what do I want to get my husband for his birthday or for his anniversary? And maybe you'd want to like take a trip or spend money. This is the greatest gift that I think you can give to your partner is to give him six months of this

sort of support. So maybe just coming back to that, the idea that this is not going to be. going to be forever. So right back in, if after six months, he tries to ask for an extension, and then we'll have a different probably opinion on this. A different intention. What's your intention for this week, though? So I wrote for today, right, the temporariness. For today, we choose wealth of heart and soul over financial wealth. So there's a huge purpose behind what you're doing when you support him in this. And it's way bigger. And you, Yes, I don't think this is going to bankrupt you. I don't think you're not going to be able to support your baby.

That's the vibe that I get from the email. By the time the baby even comes, it sounds like this will be decided one way or the other. But I think the wealth of having a job that makes your heart sing is probably worth millions. Kind of easy for me to say sitting from here, but give it a shot. Six months, you can do it. Come right to us in six months. Let us know how it went. For sure.

Thank you again to our sponsor, Netflix. Dearest gentle readers, will longtime friends Colin Bridgerton and Penelope Featherington defy odds and expectations to find true love this social season? Has Penelope truly pushed aside her feelings for Colin? Will Colin realize his feelings before another suitor takes Penelope's hand? And will Penelope's secret identity as famed gossip writer Lady Whistledown destroy any chance she might have at love? You'll have to watch and see.

Watch part one of Bridgerton now, only on Netflix. All right. Let's do some triggers. All right. Jordana and Dr. Naomi, my sister-in-law decided to have her seven-month-old baby's dedication day on Mother's Day. She just sent the invite through text the Tuesday before Mother's Day. For context, she's very Christian and I'm not very religious. I had to Google what is dedication in Christianity. It says it's a ceremony for the parents to commit to raising their child Christian, and then when the baby is older, they can decide if they want to get baptized. I think that having a dedication day on Mother's Day is

like getting married on Valentine's Day. It's the same energy. It feels very, hey, me, celebrate me. I don't care if other people have plans. Also, she's the only one of us siblings who has a baby. My husband and I have been trying for months and this invitation came just as I got my period again. I plan to skip it because of how triggering it feels, but I'm wondering if I'm overreacting. How triggered can I be? Thanks. Well, we might have missed the boat on the actual day. Yeah. So hope you did whatever works best for you. Yeah, I hope it worked out. It's funny.

I feel like with a lot of this stuff, you can be upset about something without it being someone's fault, I think is a thing that is tough and that you learn as you get older. Like something can both be upsetting without someone being at fault. Yes, I love. I think we need to reiterate that because I think what happens a lot to most of us. And it's almost that, you know, what we talk about. about all the time like your body gets activated, you're upset, and then you scan the environment to figure out what do I have to do to make this better? And a lot of times, yes, that translates

to whose fault is it? And I'd say more often than not, it's really nobody's fault. It's just that this thing, the universe isn't spinning in the exact way that you would have liked it to spin and it doesn't have to be anybody's fault. So I think she can do this dedication day on Mother's Day and you also don't have to go, as it sounds like you've planned on not going. And you could say, you know, I already made plans with my mother or whatever you had that you wanted to do that day or even being honest and being like, hey, I really am trying really hard to become a mother. And this day is like triggering for me.

And I just don't, you know, I'm just like not, don't feel like I'm going to be in a celebratory mood. I really hope you understand. I'm not saying she should go that route, but she could be. be honest about that. Yeah. And I think sometimes it doesn't feel like you're allowed to be upset about something without someone having done something wrong. I think that's why people do it. Because she's she's got all this feeling, right, and I relate to her. She's got this feeling of like, this fucking sucks. Like I don't, I feel like I feel shitty. I don't feel good. And like there's these things happening

around me, which are making me feel worse. But that doesn't mean those people, that the things happening around you are like a direct attack on you and it doesn't mean that they're like being done to you they're just being done and it's not personal but it can feel that i can understand where i can like feel that way um and there's it it sometimes makes you feel a little better when there's like somewhat there's something to like inject your feelings of like rage or um unfairness into like if you have a target it can feel like okay have like somewhere to throw this and right now it's like like her sister-in-law, who's probably sitting there having absolutely no idea that you would even, like, that anyone would care.

Totally. Yeah. I agree. And I do think a lot of times anger feels a lot safer than sadness and grief. And it sounds like she is, you know, she got her period. She was disappointed, not to mention like hormonal and whatever. And then instead of going back into sadness, which can feel really. overwhelming sometimes if you're really doing that or just make you feel really vulnerable.

It is much easier and more protective to be angry. And this was a perfect opportunity for her to get angry at the sister-in-law for being inconsiderate. So I feel for her and I see how this is triggering just based on the fact that she's like trying to get pregnant and she, you know, got her period and that sucks and that's triggering to, you know, to have to do this thing for her. you know, baby on Mother's Day and all that. But I agree. I don't think she did anything wrong and you can choose not to go. Right. But yeah, I would, I give it, I think it's, it can be, I would understand the triggering nature of it. I'd give it a four on the triggering scale. Not, not, not through anyone's fault, but just through understanding how that would feel. Yeah. Yeah. I would agree with that.

A lot of people choose anger. It feels more protective. It feels safer. So, like I could see why that's happening. I think it feels like a little higher utility maybe. Yeah. Like I think sadness is kind of like, well, like, what is this? Like what am I going to do with the sadness? Like it's just going to sit here in my body and like sit here. Like I'd rather have something that I can, I can, you know, use towards a feeling of maybe

like a self-righteousness or like I can use it for other things than like feeling bad. I can use it to like elevate myself a little bit. I mean, I'm speaking personally from like what I think sometimes I choose anger over sadness. Right. Well, it's almost like what we talked about in the beginning. It's sometimes choosing this path. It's like now I can talk about this in a way that feels like safer to talk about.

That's more comfortable for other people a lot of times. Like I can, she can vent about this and talk about this probably and feel more valid than if she's just like calling a friend. and like just sobbing on the phone. Right. It's kind of like, I don't know what I'm supposed to do with that. Whereas we can like shit talk your sister-in-law. I know what to do with that.

Like I know you put it down. I'm picking it up. We're shit-talking the sister-in-law. This is what I can do to make you feel better versus like, we're just having that like awkward, silent phone call where I'm like, are you still there? Are you crying? Are you breathing?

Like what's happening? Which I do think can be really healing. but a lot of people are very averse to it. I understand it's not hard to have those deeply sad feelings in the presence of another person, which is very, very healing, but you have to get over the discomfort, whereas it's much easier to have angry feelings in the presence of another person because there's like, especially when there's this outside target that feels like, all right, I know what to do here.

Right. We're well versed in like shit talk. We're less well versed in like, I'm just going. to sit on the phone while you quietly cry or like come over and just sit on the couch with you and like look at you while you're crying or hug you or whatever. Yeah, it's a harder thing to do. I think it feels like there's just less to unpack than like. There's less to do about it.

Yeah. That's like what we always say when you're feeling activated, we have the urge to do something about it when there really is that this is rewiring your emotion. brain, if you can bring yourself to do this, is to kind of be like, I feel activated, I feel sad, I feel triggered, whatever it is, and I am going to just do nothing. I'm not going to talk about anyone. I'm not going to get angry at anyone. I'm not going to send the text. I'm not going to do, you know, I'm just going to let this feeling kind of flow through me until it, you know, gets its voice, you know, until it's seen and heard by my body and kind of let it pass through. It's really,

we're not used to that. We're used to like, okay, where's the danger? How can I fix it? Whose fault is it? What do I have, you know, what kind of shelter do I have to build? What kind of weapons do I have to, you know, acquire to protect myself? Yeah. So it's hard to find somewhere to put those emotions, but.

Yeah. So. Yeah, I agree with the four. Yeah. I mean, you could blame it on her. Like if, you know, she's not, as long as you don't yell at her, like behind her back. Just as personally. What makes you feel any better?

I guess. Let's do another one. We have a voicemail for this one. All right, cool. Let's roll the tape. Hey, Jordana and Dr. Naomi. I'm a huge fan of the show, and I have a triggered situation for you with love. Y'all's take on how triggered I should be.

For context, I am in a wedding, and this wedding is pretty expensive for where we are. I'm talking $150,000 plus. and the friend who is getting married comes from a very well-off family, multi-millions, you know, great for them, they're set, love it, it's all good. I am in the wedding party, and I've been asked to do some out-of-the-box things, but I'm a people-pleaser, and up until this point I have been happy to run some miscellaneous errands, do extra things for bridal showers, things that aren't really in the wheelhouse, someone who's in the bridal party, but again, I can't say no to people, so I've been doing them.

I got a text a few days before the wedding from the mother of the bride. She asked what kind of snacks we would like while we were getting ready on the wedding day, and she suggested that she could get a sandwich tray, a fruit tray, and she asked what other suggestions I may have for the bridal party. I said that sounds great, maybe add in some checks mix, and so excited. I replied, let me know if I can help in any way. She replied and said, great, so do you want to split the cost of the snacks? This is where my trigger comes in. It is three days before the wedding. I am a 27-year-old female who lived alone, who, you know, has your basic student loan debt, credit card debt and was not expecting to split snacks for a bridal party.

And I just feel pretty triggered about it because it's going to cost me, you know, $100, $150 to cover for everyone. And when I replied asking, you know, let me know if you can help, that was just kind of your general sentiment of, you know, I'm here if you need anything, if you need me to pick up something and you want to then know me. So I'm feeling pretty triggered because this was an expense that I didn't think I would have to carry. And it just feels like it's something I shouldn't have to do. Of course, if people please join me will end up doing this.

But I would love your thoughts on how triggered someone should be when they're asked to spend money a few days before a wedding when they didn't have it planned. And it's not really their job to do. Thanks again. Love you both. This was very triggering. I think. Yeah. It's crazy.

This is crazy. You're not supposed to be paying for other people's. I never heard of such a thing. Yeah, that's insane. Like, that's like someone in the family. It's maybe the sister could throw the getting ready. The mother could throw the getting.

This isn't a bridesmaid, not even made of honor, like random bridesmaid job. Totally agree. The bridesmaids, in my opinion, should pay for like, whatever,

if they're going on a bachelor party, pay for their, share of that. Right. Pay for the dress that you're wearing. Sometimes you pay for hair and makeup. If it's on you, if it's on you,

you should pay for it. If you're taking it, but you don't have to pay for anything other people's stuff, like others food or. Sometimes people say like the people, the bridesmaids pay for like the bride on the bachelor.

I don't believe in that either. I think the bride should pay for herself. I don't think you need to buy the bride anything. Right. Besides a wedding gift. Or like if you want to buy her a couple drinks, cheers, here's to you. But you don't have to. Sure.

Right. That's like an extra bonus. This is nice. The fact that her mom would ask you if you wanted to split the snacks. I almost feel like she just doesn't get it or something. I don't like, I want to give her the benefit of the doubt that she's just like oblivious to like the etiquette around this. Also the idea that she would be like, what do you think of these snacks and then ask her to pay for them after? It's not like, why wouldn't you ask you're going to pay for them before you ask what you, like, I don't know.

Yeah, even so. The whole thing is, and she, and the, you know, I hope you're listening because we both know that you did it. You paid for the snacks. She did. She said she was going to. I want this to be a lesson to you. We're going to tell you next time something like this comes up, you're not going to do it. you're going to breathe.

Let's play it out. Let's play it out. I'm the mother-in-law or the mother, I guess. It's the mother of the bride. Right. To spend money if you did, they didn't have fun. And I say, I ask you what snacks you like. You tell me what snacks.

Right. Yeah, maybe I had some checks mix. That sounds good. Okay. So $2 a bag. Okay. So, yeah, it wasn't like, oh, do you, like let's some caviar right she was like let's get lobster tails you know so uh like okay

great so um would you would you would you want to just split it like i'll i'll get it and i'll just i'll benmo you does that work actually i'm i'm happy to pick it up if you need someone to pick it up i can definitely grab the checks mix on my way over but i really wasn't planning um financially to be splitting the entire, the snacks for the entire bridal party. I hope you can understand that. Okay. What do you think? I guess I think that works.

I think that works. I'm trying to end with, I hope you can understand. Because that's kind of like, I realize this is a little awkward. And I'm in advance asking for your understanding, which in this case is so obvious. I think I would do a, I hope you can understand. if she gave me any pushback. I almost would make it sound, I feel like that makes it sound like more grave than it is almost.

Like I would try to be, I would try to like, my initial thought, I think everything you said before that would be great. Right. Make it seem very casual like, oh, I'm happy to pick up. I wasn't planning on on paying for anything. Yes. And then like if she was like, well, I don't understand why.

And then I would say like blah, blah, blah. I hope you understand. Yeah, fair enough. Fair enough. But this is, this is, this is, is triggering. I've never heard of this. I just almost have to think that the mother just doesn't understand what bridesmaids are for, that they're not there to like split. They're not there to subsidize the cost of things. That's not their job. Right. Their job is to participate in whatever way

you want them to participate, but they're not financial, financial contributors to the wedding. That's not their role. And they're not even planners, I don't think. Like, if they do, that's nice. Like if you like a worker bee. Yeah. If like the mother wants to, like, I think that was totally, fine that she was like, what other snacks would you like? Lovely. Yes. Not paying for them. She shouldn't even have to get them. Yeah, she probably shouldn't have to get them.

But I feel like maybe that's a little bit of a bridesmaid role. Like, you know, how can I? Yeah. Oh, well, the day of, I'm supposed to get my hair done at this time. And it has to be picked up by that time. You know, would you mind grabbing it? Sure. Right.

No problem. I can get that. Next time, don't offer to help. Yeah. Well, it sounds like it was sort of an empty. gesture, which I get, or maybe the gesture, like she said, was if you need me to pick it up or make the phone call and order it or if there's some, like, physical task that I can do, I'm happy to do it.

I'm sorry that you ended up paying for this. Ugh. That's frustrating. For the mom, I think. Yeah. I can't imagine doing this. Especially, and we haven't even addressed, the fact that they said it's like a $150,000 wedding.

That's crazy. And she wants you to pay $350 for the sandwiches. That makes it. I could almost see this. Let's say, you know, when I got. Yes. Right. I had a friend that got married when I was in graduate school and they did it at like,

you know, a VA, like a vent hall and it was very low key. And it was like they were just kind of scraping together. Right. B. Y, O.B. Maybe. Right. It was really, you know, they wanted to get married, but they didn't have a lot of

of money and they wanted to get it done. They got it done and it was really fun and it was really beautiful. In that case, I would, I still think it would be a little strange. But if it was that type of situation, I might be more apt to say, you know what, yeah, if I knew the bride's family was really like down on, you know, like could not afford anything in the wedding. And then the mom asked me. Even then, it would almost be like, why don't all the bridesmaids then split it. So now each person is only paying like $20 instead of one person paying $150. Yeah, why is she singled out as the one that would be paying? Yeah, I really have no idea.

No clue. Maybe when she said, can I help? She thought that meant like financially. Right. I guess that's possible. But that's so weird than to ask someone what they want for the snacks and then charge them for it. Right.

And then her suggestion is like the cheapest possible thing. suggestion and then she's like now making her pay for like the expensive part that wasn't even her idea yeah do you think she could text her after this this let's say she already agreed to it do you think she could go back not really i think she just has to move forward because this is going to happen again not with this mother but with someone else i don't think there's a point in really rehashing this she did it she paid for it but going forward i definitely think that this is something that you can work on your people pleasing tendencies. Come join one of my groups.

There are a lot of people pleasers in there that are trying to learn how to set boundaries, how to phrase it, how to sit with your feelings when you feel like someone doesn't like you or they're angry with you. It's actually a really hard part of being human because from the time that we're very small. You want to be liked. You want to be liked. You want to be accepted even by your, if you're, your parents are angry with you, that's really dangerous, right? So, like, we even learn that from our

parents, like trying to not make our parents angry, trying to not make people and friend groups angry. You know how easy it is in, like, middle school. If you piss off one girl, all of a sudden, right. You're sitting alone at the lunch table for six months. Yeah, it's in your best social interest to be pleasing. Right. But now we no longer have cafeterias and lunch tables where we need to feel like we have a group to sit with and you're independent. You don't need your parents to be happy with you all the time. So, yeah, I think you could just work on it moving forward. Yeah.

But this is definitely triggering. I would give it like a six or a seven. Yeah, I was going to say the same thing. I mean, nothing happened. Just being asked is annoying. Yes, yes. It wasn't like a deep wound that was opened. But yes, I agree.

It's just so off what proper social wedding etiquette is in this situation. And I'm sure after you've spent already a ton of money, and it sounds like done a bunch of weird other tasks that she didn't elaborate on. So, yeah, I agree with six or seven on this. Great. Okay. Well, good luck. That's it for us for this week.

All right. That's our time. Great work today. Oversharing is produced by Sean Kilby. Editing by Jazz Apatos. guest booking by Ali Friedlander and send your emails to oversharing at betches.com. Betches.