Oversharing - Am I Improving My Health Or Feeding My Anxiety?

Episode Date: July 7, 2026

Jordana and Dr. Naomi kick things off by reflecting on birthdays, aging, and the surprising grief that can come with realizing adulthood may not look as financially comfortable as you once imagined. They explore how accepting lifestyle expectations can shape everything from dating to happiness, and why comparison is often the thief of contentment. This week's Betchesist seeks advice on navigating the fine line between improving her health and becoming consumed by health anxiety after an autoimmune diagnosis. An Overshare about a dog sitter who took "make yourself at home" a little too literally sparks an unexpected debate about boundaries and communication, while this week's intention reminds us: some blessings I have, and some blessings I don't. Lastly, we're triggered by an expectant mom feeling overlooked by her in-laws and a dental hygienist who offers some wildly unsolicited medical advice. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Most of us are blessed in some areas and less blessed in others. Most people don't have it all. You don't have like the best friend group and your parents are both totally available. And you have like the closest sibling relationships. And you have an amazing partner. I like that a lot. Some blessings I have and some blessings. That's a good one for the lifestyle conversation in the beginning.

Totally. And put that on the sign above the couch that you want to buy. Yes. Totally. A quick note before we get into the episode. episode. Oversharing is a podcast for entertainment purposes only. It is not a medical podcast and does not constitute medical or psychological advice. Always seek the advice of your physician or mental health professional. Hello and welcome back to Oversharing. I'm Jordana Abraham. And I am Dr. Naomi Bernstein.

How's it going? I can't believe this is coming out the day after, well, the day of or the day after your birthday. Yeah. Oh, gosh. Another year around the sun. Another year around the sun. You know, I've kind of given up on that whole like, oh, my God, I'm getting older. That sucks.

Well, tell everyone how old you are. Well, when this comes out, I am 47 years old. I remember being the sevens for some reason. I remember being 27. And that being like, wow, I'm really, like, I'm very close. 26, you're like, I'm still kind of 25. 27, you're like, I'm really closer to 30. Basically 30.

Yes. So then, and then 37, I was like, oh, gosh, I'm really almost 40. And 47, you're like, okay, I'm almost 50. But I feel like I've just kind of sank into it. And now I'm more like, I feel good for almost 50. You're not really on social media. And I wonder if, like, being on. social media might make someone feel worse or better.

Better or worse, right? Yeah. Because, I mean, who are you seeing that's your exact age on a daily basis? Interesting, because I have like a double cohort, right? I have my oldest friend's parents and I, 14 year old friends parents and then I have my eight year old friends parents. And they're different. So sometimes you'll, you know, like my youngest friend's parents, some of them are

like in their 30s, you know, and I'm like, you know, like young 30s even. Like if their eight-year-old is their oldest or, you know, whatever it is. Yeah. Yeah. So I see those people and I get both ends of it, you know, then I'll have someone who where their 14-year-old is like their baby. And they have, you know, kids that are going off to college, that kind of thing. Or like grown adults, like.

But you feel good about it? Yeah, I feel pretty good. Yeah, I feel good. I feel like healthy and except for if you want to listen to our come the fuck down episodes, you'll hear about my, you know, perimenopause. Tune in. Subscriber special. If you're interested in a little subscriber special, you'll hear about the ups and downs of that.

If you wanted to hear more about our menstrual cycles, which I know a lot of you, a lot of you have been asking for an update on the cadence. and quantity of the flow. Check out the subscriber episode. If you're just here to keep it light, then stay here. But yeah, overall, feeling pretty good. Another trip around the sun, very blessed to be healthy and happy and all the good stuff. But interestingly, I've been noticing a trend just in terms of what my patients are talking about.

And this isn't everybody, right? This is a specific population, I guess, this idea of kind of like once you get settled in your life in terms of like, okay, I've picked a career, this is what I'm going to do. There's no more like, well, what am I going to be when I grow up? Who am I going to marry? Right. And even I do think in some ways this does what I'm going to talk about does affect the potentially who am I going to marry thing is like this financial reality setting it. where there's almost this place of like there's no further financial potential. Like there's like, this is my career.

I've picked it. There's like a small window maybe of a little tiny bit of growth, but like this is my lifestyle. This is kind of as good as it's going to get. And for a lot of people, it's not going to be. And this is where it's different populations. I'm sure there's many people that are listening that this isn't the case.

but I have been talking to a lot of people where it's not the lifestyle you grew up with. It's actually a lesser lifestyle than what you grew up with. So maybe you grew up where your parents, you grew up in a certain type of house and you're not going to grow up in that type of house or you grew up in a certain type of neighborhood and there's this always thought of like, I'm going to have at least what I had and hopefully more. Well, that kind of feels like in a way the American dream or what. what you're sold to it as is the idea of like that you will do better than the generation before you,

which I think I've read in a few places that that's like not really the case anymore, sort of like it was true maybe of our parents, but isn't really true anymore. Right. There's like a certain immigrant, you know, a new immigrant generation for a while you were doing better than your parents. And I'm seeing a lot of people now that are not going to be doing better than their parents. And there's a little bit. bit of like this grief process. I think when you get to a point where you're like, all right, this is it. I'm not going to have the house my parents had. I'm not going to take the trips that I took growing up. I'm not going. And I think for some of it's like I'm not going to be able to provide my

potential kids, even if you don't have kids or my kids, if you have kids, with the things that I was provided with. And there's some sadness that comes along with that. So I'm seeing that. And then like you're saying, it does sort of tie into dating, I think, in some way. Well, that's a way to change your lifestyle somehow, often, upwards or downwards sometimes, depending on. I think there's this idea where the person you date could change your lifestyle. So that's what I'm dealing with, I think, with a lot of my patients where they're like, I don't want to date for money. I want to just fall in love with the person. I don't want to be chasing, you know, I want to just have a genuine relationship with someone that I meet and fall in love with and I don't want to have to chase that type of thing.

But it's hard because I have to then sort of do that process first almost of like grieving this lifestyle that I thought I was going to have. And then once I can kind of grieve this lifestyle that I thought I was going to have or like kind of tolerate. that loss, then I can go out and date in a way that feels more genuine and open myself up to really seeing a person and not doing the thing where I'm going to subconsciously pick them apart because I know ultimately they signify this lifestyle that I have not yet accepted. And so I do think that is the work for a lot of people to accept a lifestyle before you start dating if that's if what you want is to really open up yourself to a pool of as many

potential partners as possible i've talked about this a little on you up where i feel like women are less likely to want to date down in that arena and when i say down i mean you know financially financially down and maybe men perhaps again not to generalize or stereotype but often men won't date down physically and women won't date down financially. And, you know, there's, I don't know if that's societal, biological. I think that there's like, just like men are closing themselves off to a lot of people in that way. You know what I mean? It's like, it's interesting because it's like, it's an interesting discussion of like lifestyle

and how much that's allowed to mean to you. Right? because on the one hand it could be seen as like gold digging or shallow or whatever. But on the other hand, like there is a, where is the line, right? Because like I think if you were going to say to me, I like this guy, but he's unemployed and he has absolutely no drive and he just like does not seem to like want to work at all. But everything else about him is great. But, you know, he's okay with me paying for everything. like I think you know I think I think I think most people would say it's okay to be turned off by that

totally well that's that's also an extreme though right you know I agree but I'm saying well where is the line right but I guess what I'm saying is if you're out there and you're dating and you're having you would like to be open to a wider net of people and I'm not saying that like you know you don't want to be carrying someone on your back financially entirely for a relationship, but maybe open to dating, I don't know, like a teacher, right, who can fully contribute to a household, but are you going to be taking European vacations every year? Probably not. Are you going to be sending your kids to summer camps that cost whatever they cost?

you know, sleep away summer camps and doing extravagant, probably not, right? So like you can manage a comfortable lifestyle, but are you going to be having lots of extras? Probably not. So these are the types of things where some people might be like, but I wanted those things. I really like just thought that I was going to have those things. And if this is, if you're out there and you're kind of like, I want to be able to open myself up to, I really want to meet someone. I do think there is some work to be done in therapy to be like, okay, this is, I get it. It's a loss in some ways.

I mean, we talk about this a lot. What is your tolerance for being single? Like, you could have a checklist that is up to the sky if you want. Like no one's, you know what I mean? Like, it's your life. You could, you could continue in search of the person who is every single thing that you could ever want on the list and none of the things you don't. they might be out there. I don't know. But it's really like, what is your, how much do you want to be partnered? The lifestyle.

Right. It's like, how much do you want to be partnered? If you want the lifestyle more than you want to be partnered and you're kind of okay not being partnered and you're okay being single and you'd rather wait and see if that person comes along. Okay. But if you're not,

then I think I agree. Then what you're saying is what you need to do. Because like it really like, I mean, there's two different sort of things that you want. that are struggling with each other. There's lifestyle and there's partnership. And there's some people that get together young and they have these kind of hopes and

dreams together. There's also different ways this plays out. There's people that get together young and they have these hopes and dreams. And then they kind of are like, oh, wait, this is it. Right. Not going to be this. We're not making, you know, millions of dollars a year. And I think it's also like, it's almost like beauty in a way.

Like, you know, you could strive to like, you know, to be a certain level of attractiveness. Like, I do think most for people who are like intensely focused on that, they never think they're rich enough. Like, it's not even about necessarily about how much money you have. Like, because lifestyle, you know, one person's great lifestyle as another person's, we're broke, like, in their mind. Like, I think money is so psychological.

Like, you're perfect place for you to come in. But I think it's all relative. There are rich people who thought they'd be even richer. Right. That aren't. 100%. Or poor people who feel like. they're doing pretty well compared to those around them.

So I think or compared to how they grew up. I think there's a lot of like comparison and and relativity. And yeah, I think it's it's a very, very psychological thing. Totally. So that's where I'm saying. If this is this is just something I'm seeing a lot of and I do think it is something that you can work out for yourself to just find more contentment in this. Especially I do think that comparison thing of like this is how I grew up.

and I'm not getting there in my own adult life, I think is a hard pill to swallow. And it's, you know, I'm just bringing it up here because I'm sure there are some listeners out there that are dealing with that where they're getting to this point where they're like, oh, wow, the reality is setting in that I'm just not going to have that. I think it's even tougher depending on where you are, who you're around, people next to you. I think it's like, even again, not to compare it to beauty again, but I also think it's like if you, it's funny. Like I told you, Mike went to University of Miami. We went to Miami once and he like showed me the campus. And I was like, every girl here is like a 10. Like, if I went to school here, I'd be like the ugliest person at the school.

So, but like I went, you know, I went to Cornell. It was like, you know, it's not Harvard, but it's a good school. But I would say it wasn't like known for like everyone's super hot. And so I felt pretty attractive. Compare, you know what I mean? Comparatively. So I,

and I think like a lot of that's with money, but financially I felt pretty poor at Cornell. Totally. Like, but. It's like the keeping up with the Joneses thing. Yeah. So I do think in some ways,

like the key to a happy life is to just like surround yourself with people who are kind of like living the lifestyle that you're able to live and look the way. Maybe like have a aesthetic that you feel like you can keep up with. I do think it sounds stupid, but I actually do think that that makes you a lot happier is to feel like you're doing well, not in life because what does that even mean, relative to those around you. I completely agree because that's what I hear, you know, from people.

It's like you hear the other kids are getting these clothes or, you know, the other moms are carrying these bags or other people are taking these trips. And that's what makes you want them. And this is, so this is my little tip. And this is one of the things that I do in my therapy groups or one of the challenges that we do is just noticing the moment where you find yourself seeking the thing. Like if I'm having even on a video call with you and I see behind you there is this couch, this beautiful leather couch. And I just notice myself as I'm talking to you, I'm thinking to myself, oh, wow, that couch. I wish I had that couch.

I should find out about getting that couch and I need a couch like that. And I actually now my mind starts going, now I need to redo my whole living room. So now I've just created a $10,000 project in my head. Bam. In 30 seconds on a Zoom call with you because I looked at your, because I had a stimulus in my mind of looking at your couch. I've just created a seeking moment where I've created a $10,000 need in my head. I can do the same thing because you walk into the office like with a cute little belt,

a Gucci little belt or whatever it is and like a blazer. And now all of a sudden I need like a $600 outfit that I've just convinced myself now that I need. If you notice that moment and you stop yourself and say, whoa, look what I just did. just saved yourself $600. You've just saved yourself potentially $10,000 living room renovation that happened in the blink of an eye because I caught a glimpse of your, you know, couch. I don't even really sit on there. It's fine. It's just for sure. No, but no, it's true. And I think what I learned in my positive psychology class, because I'm an expert now that I took in college,

is that the opposite of materialism is gratitude, like mentally. Yes. And so like what, it's like that's almost like a case for doing charity work in a completely selfish viewpoint of like, you know what I mean? On the opposite end of you seeing the couch and wanting it. If I looked at, you know, if I was, if I was volunteering and I saw people who were living in like extreme poverty or if I was seeing a lot of people who didn't have basic needs, how much gratitude.

Well, you know what I mean? And that I think gets rid of that feeling of I don't eat this couch. I'm so lucky I have, you know, a warm meal every night and a roof over my head. And, you know, I don't feel like anxious about money every day or something, you know. Yep, yep. So let's all practice it. If you're listening, find those moments of gratitude. Notice those moments of seeking.

Save yourself a couple thousand. and find yourself a nice teacher. Yes. This is even, don't listen to Jared Fried. Find yourself a nice teacher. They're good people. All right.

All right. Our voicemail number is 646, 363636294. If you are interested in subscribing, you get all the episodes a day early and ad free. And two bonus episodes a month, which should be out. Our second one should be out soon.

And or you can join one of Dr. Naomi's therapy groups. How do they do that? Naomi Bernstein.com. Fill out a form. Let us know what you're interested in, what times you're available. And we will match you up. It's warm. It's fuzzy. We love each other. I miss everybody when I don't see them. Yeah, Naomi Bernstein.com. Come find us. All right. I'm going to read our first email. Hi, Dr. Neumandradana. A little over a year ago, I was diagnosed with an autoimmune thyroid issue and started making changes to improve my health. Many of those changes have been positive, but somewhere along the way, I seem to have become hyper-vigilant about my health in a way that feels exhausting. I have a constant mental checklist

of things I should be doing to get better. Sleep more, exercise more, manage stress better, take the right supplements, eat the right foods, get the right testing, avoid the wrong ingredients. It feels like there's always always something else I should be doing. I also find myself constantly scanning for things that could be helping or hurting me. If I'm eating at a restaurant, I'm thinking about the ingredients. If I'm traveling, I'm thinking about how the schedule might affect my health. If I stay up late or make a choice that isn't perfectly aligned with my goals, I find myself worrying about whether I'm setting myself back. The frustrating part is that logically, I feel like I should be able to tell myself that one meal, one drink, one late night,

or one imperfect choice is not going to determine my longer term health. But emotionally, it still feels like every decision carries a lot of weight. I feel responsible for controlling every variable and it's causing me to really cut back socially and restructure my life in a way that feels like I'm making my world smaller. For example, I haven't had alcohol in almost a year. Sometimes I'll be sitting by a pool on vacation craving a crisp margarita. But instead of simply deciding whether I want one, my brain immediately starts calculating whether it's worth potentially harming my gut, increasing inflammation, or setting back all the progress I've worked so hard for. I usually decide it's not worth the risk, but I don't know if that's discipline, anxiety,

or some combination of both. At this point, I don't know if I'm motivated by wanting to feel better or by fear of feeling worse. I also worry that my identity has become wrapped up and being someone who is trying to get healthy. My health takes up so much mental space that it sometimes feels like a part-time job. Even when I'm not actively doing something health related, I'm thinking about it or feeling guilty that I'm not doing more. How do you stay committed to improving your health without becoming consumed by it?

How do you know when being conscientious has crossed over into anxiety and how do you stop viewing yourself as someone who is perpetually trying to be fixed. Thank you for any insight you might have. Thanks. Yeah, I was actually thinking that you might relate to this like with fertility stuff and when you were trying to get pregnant and like this feeling of every little thing matters and every little thing that I put in my body or if you had phases like this when you were trying to get pregnant. I had like phases of that where I would, you know, take all the supplements and do all the things and not be drinking and do all that stuff. But like, I think after enough time, I was kind of like, this stuff doesn't seem to be working either. So I might as well have some fun.

Right, right, right, right. Like, I think that I kind of at some point, like, gave up. I mean, it's funny. I did an egg retrieval in the beginning, like relatively early on into my fertility journey when I wasn't like nearly as stressed as I had become later. And, and I was, like, nearly as stressed as I had become later. And I think the week before I started my meds, I was like on the fence if I should do it or I should not do it. I went on a girl's trip. And I got super drunk and I smoked two cigarettes. And I had incredible egg retrieval results.

Oh, wow. They were so good. Right. Top, top, top, I would say, in comparison. They did so well. And then for all my like transfers. which is where they're going to like put the egg, the embryo in, I would do all the right things.

I would stop drinking, do all the fertility. I would like freak out if I like about my skincare and all that stuff. And they never worked. So I think, you know, right. I think after a certain point, I was like, the only thing that ever went well was the thing that happened a week after I was smoking cigarettes and getting blackout drunk. So I think fuck this whole thing.

I was just like, I think it gives you like, I think a lot of this stuff is almost about like, the illusion of control, like feeling like you have some agency over something that you don't really have that much control over. And I think in some ways, there's like a little part of it that feels helpful, like, oh, I can, at least if I can't control this, at least I can control something or I have some, you know, I have some agency in making sure this goes better or worse. But I think mostly it kind of just makes you go crazy and it makes you think that if it doesn't, if it didn't work, that you didn't do enough of it.

Right. At least for my case, which is a little more binary of like it works or it doesn't work. This is like a health issue. Right. I totally agree. I think there is this like grasping at control. I don't know exactly what her autoimmune condition is. And in her case, I'm sure there are things that really don't make her feel good when she does them.

So I think, you know, this is hard because you have to eat and you have to drink. and I'm sure there are certain things that don't make you feel great. But then I think the hard part is a lot of these things are sort of, you know, they're hard to control, right? Addictive type things like sugar and salt and alcohol and these things where you do feel like you probably need to keep a really tight control on it because there's this feeling of if I let myself go there, then I'm going to just. go back to eating and drinking whatever I want. And that probably does make some of this flare up

and doesn't make you feel good. So it kind of does feel a little bit like the all or nothing thing feels a little bit safer in terms of controlling it than I'll have it when I feel like it. And I think there's like a little bit of this optimization culture, which you see online a lot, like or on Instagram or like the people who are like, if you cut out this, like, this is, poison or that. And I even follow some of those accounts where they're just like, everything is bad for you and you have to like be very particular about what you put in your body. And it's like, even like, you know, watch that like blue zone stuff about living forever, basically, or past 100 or all that stuff. And it's like, it's interesting how the mind goes, I think it's like arguing

with itself for me anyway, a lot of the time. And I just think about forget, I don't have like a chronic health condition where, you know, I have a lot of that I know of right now. But I do think even for regular people who don't have that, there's this feeling of like, I need to be optimizing. I need to be, there was a guy on a recent U-Up episode who brought a gallon pollen spring bottle on a date because he was supposed to have this much water in a day and he was trying to hit his goals. And so he brought a fucking water jug on a...

Right. On a date. So I think there's like a little bit of this obsession of like optimizing. And I used to be like that with like steps. I used to be like I have to get 10,000 steps in. I have to do all this stuff. And it's hard because it's like on sometimes it's like that keeps you goal oriented. You're like I want to stay on track.

And if I hit my numbers, then I know I'm done. And then I can relax. Or if I have this drink, it's not going to be worth it because I'm just going to be thinking about how I had the drink and did I really need the drink and was the drink worth it. and like it's, you know, it's almost like you're doing it to make your world smaller, but and to make your like mental world smaller. So you don't have to be like thinking about all these extra variables. And she knows it.

The listener knows it that almost like the fixating on it is both anxiety producing and it's also like calming at the same time. Like you spend so much time thinking about it. but when you don't do it, it also like calms that those thoughts that would come. It also calms those thoughts that would come from if you did have the drink, then you would be ruminating about having the drink, eating the thing that you weren't supposed to eat. But in this case, it does sound like you want to loosen the reins a little bit and you

want to be able to experience a little bit more of life. So I think maybe you need to just dip your toe in the water and trust yourself. I think this is part of the hard part is like the guy who brought the water jug on the date to be able to trust himself that like if I just drink the tap water at the table that I can like basically get my water in even if I don't exactly get the amount in, I'll get close and tomorrow I'll get back on it. Like to trust myself, I can get back on the horse or that I, I can, you know, this idea of like I can fall off and I can get back on, like trusting in yourself,

which I think a lot of people have a hard time with that, that if I don't work out today, I'll work out tomorrow. If I miss the supplement today, I'll start back on like just coming at the whole thing with a little bit more of a calm body of like, I'm not going to, you know, it's not an emergency if I, which I don't know what her symptoms are. That might be part of this too. If she had really intense physiological bad, you know, responses, autoimmune responses and she really felt terrible, there might be a little bit of a panicky thing around, you know, like we've heard from people that have Crohn's disease or that have these really intense GI symptoms where they're like, oh my God, if I get gluten or something, I'm going to be really,

really sick, so it makes me like panicky almost. Well, she's saying one meal is not going to change anything. So I'm assuming that's not the effect she gets from like one step outside of the box. Yeah, it does sound like there's this coming back to just trusting yourself that you can come back to this at any point, that you can get yourself back here, that you can get your, tomorrow's a new day every day. So if you, you know, have the margarita or you do the thing, what I would do is I would just test your own boundaries a little bit. So like have the margarita and just see how you feel. Because it might be fine. You know, you're the expert on your own body and you're learning yourself with this new autoimmune disorder. And what your body, from what I understand about

autoimmune disorders is they're kind of wonky and everybody's different and they're really very individualized. So what might be for her, okay, might not be for somebody else. So I think you can try the one margarita. See how it makes you feel. If it really makes you feel terrible and you don't sleep well that night or your symptoms flare up or something doesn't go great, okay noted, then I probably won't choose to do that again. But now you're kind of doing a little research project on yourself. And I don't think it's crazy to maybe even keep notes of what things are okay for you. And just because the internet or some influencer who has something similar says that that's like you said,

poison or the worst thing or don't ever. Or it doesn't work for them. Right. It just means it doesn't work for them. Which, yeah, I think it's like, I totally agree with that. I think that's step one. You know, you do an experiment with your own body. Think of yourself as a scientific way.

And then, you know, I don't generally recommend rules, but I don't recommend rules blanketly. So I, but I do recommend rules if you're someone who likes to feel like they're in control for your personal rules, rules for yourself. And I say this with like dating and sleeping with someone on the first date. The rule isn't, for everyone, isn't never sleep with someone on the first date. it's let's say you sleep with someone on the first date. How do you feel the next day? How do you feel if they don't call you?

How do you feel? If you don't like the way you feel, maybe your personal rule is I don't like to sleep with someone that early. Here, with margarita, everyone was going to react to a margarita differently. If you have a margarita, you feel fine. You have two margaritas. You feel fine. But you have three.

You feel like horrible the next day. your rule is I don't drink more than two margaritas over the course of a day. It's about you. It's not about like the rule for everyone. And I think that sort of gives you like a little bit more of a, like if you, because that sense of control I think is okay in moderation. So if she has this feeling of like, okay, I'm in control. I'm not going over my rule of this is two.

And so I did what I needed to do for the day, but I still allowed myself to indulge. And I think if you have this type of autoimmune disorder, and if you have a, you know, certain specific, you know, complication that you're working with, you could treat it like how we introduce new foods to a baby, you know, like try it, make notes of the reactions, like you're going to tell the doctor, give it a few days before you introduce something else. So I, you know, I wouldn't have the margarita and then the next day have something else that you're unsure about. Have the margaritas. Yes, exactly. Like, so have the margarita. keep everything else the same, don't change anything else, and then you'll know how that affects you.

And then the next week, maybe introduce some other thing that you're unsure about how it's going to affect you and see how that works and just kind of toy with it, you know, one indulgence at a time. And then you can find your indulgences that work for you, that maybe you can have your, you know, you can enjoy certain things that other people might not be able to enjoy with a similar condition, but that you can enjoy. So I think within your controlled world, I think you can step out and start exploring things to see how they actually make you feel.

This is a great opportunity for you to get to learn your own body with your particular needs. Yeah, I think that's a great plan. Three steps. Two steps. All right. Keep us posted. This episode is brought to you by Accenture.

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Less time spent on operations, more time connecting brands with the moments and fandoms that matter most. Learn more at Accenture.com slash Spotify. All right, let's do a betchaicist. Do you want to read this one? Hi, Dr. Naomi and Jordana, long-time listener and not my first time writing in.

I have found your first time. advice and reflections to be so helpful and I'm curious to hear what you think about this one. My husband and I hired a dog sitter off Rover about a year and a half ago. She was friendly and and nice and seemed to love our dog, which of course we loved. She walked her once or twice before we ultimately asked her to stay overnight in our home on a weekend that we needed to be out of town. Her stay was just one night. When we returned, we noticed that she had made herself very comfortable in our pantry and refrigerator. An unopened box of microwave popcorn had been completely eaten in full. Multiple candy bar wrappers were found in our trash and most upsetting

she helped herself to almost all of the meat and cheese I have purchased and prepared to assemble on a charcutory board for an event I was attending the following day. I had to go out and buy more supplies. Wow, that's annoying. Also strange, she, She had drawn the curtains on the whole first floor of our house, which we really only have for decorative purposes. I made up a story in my head about her being a binge eater and closing the blinds for privacy. I also wondered if she had food insecurity, which made me feel terrible. I said something to the effect of make yourself at home before we left, but I never imagined

that she would get as comfortable as she did. I should also mention that I have had a complicated relationship with food throughout my life. It's gotten much better in adulthood, but I can remember times in my childhood when I looked forward to going to friends' houses with great snack drawers. So this is loaded for me. My husband had more of a what the fuck, who the fuck would do this kind of reaction, L.O.L. I didn't say anything to her, but we never called her back to sit for us again.

She reached out once or twice to say hi and remind us of her services, which I always replied nicely to. I reminded her that we have family in the area who are usually available to. help out with our dog when needed. Fast forward to this week, I got a text from her, a year and a half since we've seen her last, telling me that she has a new opportunity for dog sitting and asked if she can pass along my info as a reference. I feel super conflicted, but mostly really sad for her because, one, does she really not have anyone she's worked for more recently to serve as a reference? And two, why would she think it's a good idea to ask someone who never called her back to speak

well on her behalf. I'm struggling with how to handle this. I certainly would never agree to do this and then give her a bad reference, but I also don't want to lie to the potential new client and say that we had a good experience either. Like Dr. Naomi, I'm anti-ghosting, so not responding feels awful to me, but so does crafting a text like, hi, I hope all is well. I hope it works out well with this new opportunity, but I don't feel comfortable serving as a reference for you. Somehow, telling her how we really felt about working with her, even in a nice way, feels like the worst option of all. My husband thinks we should just leave her on red and move on with our busy life. We have a small child on both work. But here I am 20 minutes later, putting my final touches

on this essay to you guys. What do I do? Sincerely a bare fridge betch. She did say to make herself at home. I mean, obviously this woman took it a little far, it's not like she stole from you. Honestly, I think she's right. This sounds, if she's accurate, it was one night. The amount of food that she ate sounds like a legit binge. Who would eat an entire box of microwave popcorn?

That's like five or six bags. Like yes, at minimum three to five or six bags of popcorn. Unless she pocketed them, like just took a, putting in her purse. Yeah, she's 100% right. Either she took the food home, which makes you feel bad for her,

or she ate it all, which also kind of makes you feel bad for her. Right. Either one of these, there's something. Sharkootery is a little crazy, but also I guess she thought maybe it was leftover shakotery and you wouldn't care. You did say make yourself at home. I don't know. It's not like, it's like a little much, but it's not like a little. that weird, I don't think. It's like she's, if she had a note on it that said like for tomorrow's celebration or something, do not touch and she ate it. But like brand new cheeses in the package, like, and meats like sealed up in a package and all of it. I mean, one human eating an entire, can you imagine going to an event with all these sliced up and placed on a charcutory board and

just sitting and eating the entire thing by yourself? Right. Yeah. You throw up. Yeah, and she drew the blinds. Yeah, this sounds, this sounds, she's not going to do this. My advice, she's not going to do it, I don't think. But I would say kind of what she said, like, I'm not comfortable giving the reference. If you'd like to talk further, I'm happy to hop on a phone call. And then on the phone call, I think she can let her know. And I think it's actually a kindness to kind of say,

you know, this is what was off-putting so that she knows as a dog sitter, it's one thing to help yourself to a candy bar fine. Or a bag of microwave popcorn. A bag of micro-she stayed for a night. I guess she stayed for three nights. And like then you make yourself at home means like there's stuff in the fridge. You're going to eat some of the stuff in the fridge. But for one night to eat all the charcutory, an entire bag of microwave popcorn and like

three or four candy bars. I think it would be a service to this woman if she's trying to make a living as a pet sitter to let her know that this is off-putting to the people that you're sitting for to consume this amount of food in one night, that it feels like it's a bit much. And just to let her know, just to help her reflect on why she might not be. getting asked back places because she's obviously not if she's going back to a reference from a year and a half ago that other people might be having similar experiences with her because she seemed nice enough and good with the dog and it's not doesn't seem like it's her pet sitting where she's

struggling it seems like that maybe this is a recurring I almost feel like it's a little late to say that to her like if I were her I would have said that to her maybe like when she asked if she needed a dog sitter again, like I would assume more shortly after there. Yeah. Although this, she's saying, she's asking for a reference. And she could say,

I don't feel comfortable giving you a reference. If you'd like to know more, let me know. And then she's kind of saying like, yeah, I'd like some feedback. She's kind of like putting her in a position to ask,

either ask for the feedback or thank you anyway. I would rather not receive the feedback. I mean, on the one hand, she was fine with just walking the dogs, right? It sounds like in the beginning she walked the dogs a few times and it was fine. The dog walker, I think, she would be a good, yeah, she could give her a reference. Or maybe she could say that. I'd be happy to give you a reference as a dog walker.

Dog walker, not a dog sitter. Yes. Or not a house sitter. House daughter. Right. Yes. Or sometimes, you know, like people order food for someone who's watching in their house or their babysitter or something like that.

Maybe she didn't do, I don't know how long she was staying there, but maybe there is an element of like, you should provide. She didn't, wasn't provided me dinner or whatever. Yeah. I think I would probably do it because I'm non-confrontational. And just like if they ask me about dog, I mean, it sounds like she was a good enough dog walker. She didn't say any, there was any issue with the dogs. I mean, look, I guess thinking about it now, maybe that was dinner. Meat and cheese with, you know, popcorn.

and candy bars while she's watching a movie at the end of the night. I could see myself having that's dinner. Maybe not like five or three microwave popcorn bags. I don't like popcorn that much. But if I really liked it, maybe. The curtains thing is weird. Yeah. I mean, I don't know.

This does sound like maybe a he said, she said thing. You know, like how big were the pieces of cheese? How much meat was there really? You know, maybe she figured, okay, she'd. She's used to being provided with a meal if she's going to be dog sitting overnight. There was nothing in the fridge. She, except meat and cheese is the dinner. You know, she watched a movie.

It's a couple, three movies, bag of popcorn for each one. I, you know. I don't, again, it's not like she's like, she stole for me. She, like, left my house. She, like, trashed my house. Like, she drew the, blinds. I mean, maybe she, maybe she wanted like, maybe she gets scared. Yeah, that, yeah, yeah, yeah, the drawing the blinds, I think she, she might feel just like, yeah, like that.

It's a new environment. That doesn't, that doesn't, the way she's describing, it sounds like a lot of food. We don't really know how much food it actually was. We weren't really there. Um, I'm kind of coming around a little bit to this idea of like that was her, I don't know what time she came. Maybe she came at two o'clock. It's kind of like a late lunch, a late dinner. her, you know, I don't know what time they came back the next day. That was like her three meals maybe, whatever it is. I'm kind of coming around to the idea that she felt like meals should somehow there was a miscommunication about meals being provided during this time of the dog sitting.

And you said, make yourself at home. Maybe that's what she does at home. Right. Make yourself at home meant like meals are provided somehow. Like food was included. Like let's say she left leftovers in the first. that she was planning on eating the next day and this woman ate them. I think we would all say like you said make yourself at home.

She ate food from the fridge. Right. I would say yes to the reference. If the person on the phone specifically asked you about like an overnight visit, I think you could say yeah. She definitely like, you know, she watched the dogs were taking care of and like, yeah, she definitely like eats a lot. Like she's, she definitely like ate a lot of food that we had in the house.

Like so if you say make it, you could say that's a fit. If you say make yourself at home, just make sure, I would say we had, you could even say like, yeah, we had one incident where I said make yourself at home and she actually like accidentally ate all the, or she ate all the charcutory that I had planned for the next day. So if you're going to do that, I would just put a note on whatever you don't want eaten if she's going to house sit. Yeah, I feel like in real time, we just kind of did a 180 here. Just like kind of sitting back and being like, look, who knows how long she was really there for. Right. Maybe it's the listener's problem for not providing any. making a note on the trip, please don't eat this. I do think if I had something, I really didn't want someone to eat. You know, I might make a note on it. When I was babysitting, I used to like eat all the kids leftover food. Because they didn't provide me with any food and I was there for like five hours at dinner time. And I would just like eat whatever like they didn't eat.

If they wanted to save it, I don't know. I also do think if, you know, if you order Uber Eats, That's going to be like $30 or $40. How much are you getting paid? You're going to spend half your paycheck ordering yourself food. It really doesn't make sense. As a former babysitter who was underfed, I agree with the dog walker. Oh my God.

I remember once we had this babysitter. This was like right, it must have been right after Halloween time. And she was a teenager. She was probably like 16, 17. And we came back and there were. were like fun size, must have been two dozen fun size candy wrappers, just not all strewn all over the couch when we got back. And I was like, this is crazy. Eating the fun size candy is fine, but like throw out the wrapper. Throw out the wrapper. It was just like, like it was confetti,

like all over the place, like left for a decorative purpose, like all over. It was crazy. I have a I'll tell you a story about that after we stop recording too. All right. All right. Sorry for the flip there, people, but I think we kind of... We changed our tune here. It's okay. We're all learning and growing.

All right. Let's do some intentions. Okay. Hi. I love the show. The craving for a maternal relationship in the most recent episode got me thinking about what's been happening and is a constant presence in my and my siblings' lives. We all have young kids, seven kids under three and a half between the four of us.

And our dad is no longer in our lives due to a toxic new wife. Our mom is involved, but not in the traditional sense. She lives out of the country and doesn't come visit unless the stars align. And then we hold all the burden of trying to make it work so that she can see multiple families in one trip. We all live in different states. Most recently, my sister had a baby and there was a big scare. I won't go into details, but it ended with an emergency C-section and a NICU stay.

and the pediatrician calling it a miraculous outcome with tears in their eyes when they were discharged. When I asked my mom if she would go visit, she said, I can't just visit every time one of you has a baby. I mean, if something went wrong, I would, but I'm available on the phone. Something did go wrong. She is finally going to go meet the baby when she will be three months, but it was on the condition that me and my whole family make it work and stay for a specific time frame to make it worth it for her to go.

both my sister and I struggle with this. Neither of us necessarily wants her to come because we know she doesn't want to be there, but we mourn the idea of her wanting to be here and making it happen and enjoying anytime she can get with her grandkids. We feel it extra when we have friends who have their moms be so involved with the newborn stage and beyond. I should add that money is not an issue for her, nor is time. And when we make the effort to go visit her, she spends the majority of her time on her phone and just not present. Do you have an intention to feel less triggered. Thank you so much. A future amazing grandma, Betch. Yeah, this is hard. I think it gets harder. Often, like, once you have kids and you have this sort of fantasy expectation of what that's going to look like and you see other people having that, you know, a grandparent relationship that you wish that you had, you know, is really hard. You see that around you and you're like, I'm never going to have that. And even in wanting that, wanting her to be there, they know that if she did show up, it wouldn't be what they wanted. So that's even harder. I mean, I think this is almost in some ways not unique to, but a lot more

common in big families. She says there's four kids. I mean, I feel this in our family. It's just like there are a lot of kids. I mean, obviously our mom has her own issues, but I also think that like having that many grandchildren, it's hard to like, she, it is probably a little bit exhausting to have to fully get excited about each one in or like go visit or do a whole thing or like have that. I think a lot of those relationships you see where the grandparents are super involved. They don't have that many grandchildren. Not that, not to excuse it. And if she's on her phone the whole time when they visit, that is annoying. And it's something. Like, again, there's a lot of probably other family dysfunctional things going on where, like, the, they don't speak to the dad.

Yeah. I do see that side of the story. It's like, I can't, I can't just come out every time someone has a baby where it's like, I guess if they're having these back-to-back babies and they live far in different parts of the world, it does feel like, well, I can't go to California one month and then go to New York the next month and then go to this place the next month. And I, you know, I part of, I could see them being like, well, why not if like money's not an issue? Like she's saying the logistics don't seem like an issue. That's what she was trying to say there at the end. And I could see how it does kind of feel like, well, you decided to have four kids. And there's sort of this feeling of you have to continue the responsibility. to be the parent. Like I do think that being there for your daughter

when she's having a baby is kind of part of the job. Especially if something goes wrong. Something goes wrong. Yeah. Feels like that part feels very triggering. I could see that. Yeah. And yeah, I think it's tough to like feel like you are not getting the parents

that you envisioned you might be. There's like a grief of that of like, I wanted to be parented this way. I wanted to be taken care of this. I wish I had a mom who could take care of me this way. I wish I had a mom that I could lean on in this sort of situation. I wish I had a mom that was like really wanted to be here, but I don't. And they don't have the dad that's doing that either.

So I, it's interesting because it's like when you're a little kid, it's like unacceptable. You know, like there's you, it's called like neglect and abandonment. And it's a big deal. And I think that like some of those, those needs and those longings are still there as an adult to feel, especially when you are, like you're saying, when you're an adult and you're in that vulnerable position, those longings for that parental caretaking really come back. when you're sick, when you're scared, when you're in that vulnerable place. Yes, I think you have your partner, but I think there's just that old intrinsic parental need that comes back up. And the mother is, you know, she's not saying she's mentally ill.

They're not saying she's, you know, handicapped in any way or elderly or there's any real, you know, reason other than just... Feels like she doesn't care. Doesn't care. So I think it just, you know, it just feels like when you're in that needy, in this case, the sister was, you know, it sounds like in a, she doesn't get into too much detail, but in a pretty scary situation to feel like the mother didn't, wasn't worried or didn't, you know, wasn't like rushing to her bedside.

I get that. That feels like an abandonment of sorts. But when these types of things happen with we, everyone has all these different relationships. You have a potential partner relationship. You have a parent, two different parental relationships, sometimes more depending on step parents and things like that. You have your sibling relationships. You have friendships. Sometimes I think it is helpful to think about most of us are blessed in some areas and less blessed in others. You know, when it comes to most people don't have it all. You don't have like the best friend group or best friends and your parents are both totally available.

And you have like the closest sibling relationships. And you have an amazing partner. Like most people have like one or two or so it sounds like maybe because your parents have been a little bit absent or neglectful that the sibling like the fact that you're writing in almost like kind of on behalf of your sister in some ways means that you guys really have developed this intense bond with each other and support for each other. and you really feel for your sister. Like you're the one that called your mom, it sounds like, and said like, hey, sister is going through something like, can you come? So I think that does tend to happen, you know, like,

and maybe that is a thing when there's like more siblings and the parents are a little bit more, like you're saying, kind of pulled thin, the siblings get closer, you know? like, in our sibling group, I feel like we have a little bit, like I see a lot of siblings where there's like two, just two siblings and there's like sometimes a lot of strife when there's like just the two siblings. So since there's four of you, it seems like I don't know about how every, you know, we don't have a lot of information. But it definitely seems like at least from what we're given here that there's a lot of good. empathic lovingness between you guys.

So maybe just focusing on that that is something beautiful that you have out of this, even if you don't have a great parental support network. Agreed. I think that's really good thing to remember because they do have each other. And usually if there's anything your parents give you, it's the gift of each other in those scenarios. Totally. So as far as intention, I think she's saying like intention for how to

feel less triggered. You know, usually I go the way of like, okay, feel your feelings and like, you know, there is a grief in this and there is, there are heavy feelings to feel and being, you know, kind of abandoned in this vulnerable stage. New parenthood is really hard. And that's, I think we are meant in parenthood to have our parents, help us parent. Yeah. You know, I read something. I don't know if I discussed it with you or you discussed it with me. We're like, in most species, like the female like dies when she can no longer have kids. Right. But we talked about this.

Right. But like for humans, like women live way past their like menopause because I think they've evolved because there's like this pivotal grandparent role. Totally. And you live longer. I think I actually read something recently where it's like women who take an active grandparenting role actually like live longer and are healthier. later into their years, whereas there's no effect for men, for grandfathers.

Oh, really? Like, there's no actual effect for helping. Like, you could help or you could not help. It doesn't actually help you, like, live longer or stay mentally, like, sharper. But for women, it actually does. Yeah. Like, you know, we're no longer fertile beyond, like, four, let's call it 45 even. So, but we could live till 90.

Why? You know, like it biologically doesn't make any sense. And it's because we're there to teach and help and be involved. And, you know, so I think that craving for your mother to kind of be a part of that is very normal. And I think it's hard to be going through that alone. So part of this is how to be less triggered. You're going to be triggered. Like this is going to affect you.

It's a loss. And it's hard to, you know, kind of like we talked about in the beginning, the fantasy. of what you thought your life was maybe at some point potentially going to be like. And, you know, I remember having little moments of this, of, you know, thinking, seeing other families and what those look like. And, you know, my family didn't look like that and kind of longing for that. And then I think you, you know, kind of can just have those moments and let yourself, let that kind of wash over you and experience that. So in the one, you know, on the one hand, can acknowledge that it feels like an abandonment or that you feel a sense of loss there.

But on the other hand, I think you can count your blessings. So whatever you're in the mood for, if you're in the mood to feel your feelings, you know, you can kind of lean into this idea of like that this is a painful abandonment in this phase of life and allow that to be there. And another one that I think is a useful. intention is for a lot of people, for a lot of things, is some blessings I have and some blessings I don't. You're blessed with a beautiful, empathic, loving sibling relationship, not so much parental relationship. I like that a lot. Some blessings I have and some blessings. That's a good one

for the lifestyle conversation in the beginning. Totally. Some blessings I have and some blessings I don't. I'm going to put that on the sign about the couch that you want to buy. Totally. In Toronto, every arrival is a statement, and nothing says it better than this. Cadillac Optic was the number one selling luxury EV in Canada for 2025. Find your rhythm across a seamless 33-inch display and an immersive 19-speaker AKG surround audio system. This city demands agility, and Optic delivers with precision to make every drive extraordinary. Let's take the Cadillac.

Find out more at Cadillac Canada.ca. Luxury sales claim based on S&P Global Mobility Canadian New Vehicle Total Registration, for calendar year 2025 for the Cadillac definition of luxury. All right, let's do some triggers. Do you want to read our first one? Hi, Dr. Naomi and Jordana. First off, I'm a huge fan of the pod. I've been a listener since day one.

All right. Thank you for all that you do. I'm writing in with a triggered scenario. And since it's a little lengthy, I'll get straight to the point. I'm currently 22 weeks pregnant with my first. My husband is an only child. And this will be my in-laws first grandchild. On Mother's Day, we had brunch with my in-laws.

neither my mother-in-law or father-in-law said happy mother's day to me. I wasn't necessarily expecting anything, and I know that not everyone thinks of a pregnant woman as a mother. The only comment that stuck with me was when an appetizer was set down and I took the first serving. I was pregnant, nauseous, hungry, and it was literally placed right in front of me. And my father-in-law jokingly said that my mother-in-law should go first because it was Mother's Day.

Yeah. Fast forward to Father's Day. My in-laws came over to our house for lunch. I spent the morning cleaning and getting everything ready, including a homemade lemon tart for dessert, while my husband handled the main course. The second they walked in, they wished him a happy Father's Day and gave him a gift.

It wasn't a sentimental gift, but still it was thoughtful, and they clearly wanted to acknowledge him becoming a dad. That's when it hit me. If we're not counting pregnant people as mothers yet, why are we counting expectant fathers as fathers? So instantly, I was a little annoyed. I then spent the next four plus hours hosting them while they sat around drinking wine. And there's more. The day after Father's Day was my birthday. They knew this. They said absolutely nothing about it while they were at our house. And neither of them sent me a text on my actual birthday. It's now a few days later and I still find myself annoyed. None of the individual events would have truly bothered me. But the combination of them makes it hard to look past how triggered can I be? an unseen incubator, batch.

P.S. I would like to add that my husband has been great throughout this entire pregnancy, and he's well aware that his parents can be difficult. He thanked me for dealing with his parents after they left. I haven't told him about the lack of birthday acknowledgement from his parents because I don't see what good it would really do. Some blessings I have and some blessings. It's the answer to every question, I guess, right?

Seriously, we can just end it all right here. Yeah. No, that's like triggering. That's crazy. They didn't say anything to her on Mother's Day and she's carrying your grandchild. Right. Which I almost kind of get because like the baby's not forced. Superstitious. Babies not born yet. But then to do the opposite is like now that's a total double standard. And if you're going to have double standard, double standard in the other way of the person who's actually like holding the baby. Yeah. That comment would be annoying about like she shouldn't have taken food first. one, when she's pregnant and eating the food first, that one's the most irritating one. The birthday thing is also weird to not get. The day before her birthday or getting a text on the day. On her birthday, yeah. He's a little stink. I mean, yeah, I think you're just going to have to, let's like, I would just lower any expectations

that I have of them being like caring or thinking of me, being thoughtful about me. Yeah, or I guess she could say if she wants, I don't know how long they've been together. If she wants to try to be vulnerable and see if she can do some repair, she can say, it hurt my feelings that I didn't hear from you on my birthday. Yeah. If she is truly bothered by it. The Mother's Day, Father's Day thing, I think, you know, would come off as like a little petty and there's certainly the like little comment about like, oh,

Susan should take the first portion because it's Mother's Day. Like I get it, you get it. Anyone would get it. But now going back like Mother's Day was in May and here we are like over a month later. I don't think that one you can bring back up. Well, I agree. Individually, I don't think any of them feel like that big of a deal. But all together it does feel like there is a,

I would feel like they didn't like me maybe or something. Or like there must be a reason. They're almost feels like they're purposely trying to like not be nice. Yeah, I think texting your daughter-in-law on her birthday is like a pretty basic nicety that you would do at any call, text, card, gift, something. Or even just an acknowledgement of like, oh, next year, Mother's Day, like it's going to be all about you or something. Right. Even if you weren't saying Mother's Day, be weird to not acknowledge that you were like going to be a mother. Yeah, Mother's Day, pregnant person on Mother's Day, you think there'll be some conversation at the table about like soon you'll be, this will be next year or soon or something.

Something, some sort of acknowledgement that you were on the path to motherhood. Totally. Other than like, stop that. You're not a mother yet. Right. I wouldn't really want to spend next Mother's Day with them. That could be your little punishment. Oh, no.

I knew you were going to go there. Don't do that. Next year. Next year, it could be just you and your. you as the mother of your own family. No, let's not, let's not do that. I don't have my vindictive urge. Yeah, I would try to do, take this opportunity.

Let's, I don't know what it, we talk about this all the time with the mother-in-law, daughter-in-law. I don't know, maybe she feels threatened in some way. I don't know what this is, but we have to nip it in the bud. You can either be part of the problem or you can be part of the solution. So I would love to see you be the bigger person and lean in and see if you can try to repair this in some way or lean in some way or maybe include her. Maybe she's feeling pushed out somehow or I don't know what is going on. But a little vulnerability usually helps.

But don't let it build into like this back and forth tip for tat. Now you do something mean and then she does something mean back. And now here you're going to be, you know, two years from now with this really contentious mother-in-law relationship because that's not going to be good. She shouldn't try to keep the grandchildren for her. Yeah, probably. Fine. All right. I'd give it a five though.

Yeah. I think this is very irritating. Yeah. Especially the hungry pregnant woman. And then the father-in-law is like weird comment. Yeah. Agree, agree, agree. All right, one more. Hello, Jordana and Dr. Niam. I'm a huge fan of oversharing you up, benefits subscriber,

and the entire Betches universe. I look forward to listening to you too and your wonderful sister dynamic every week. Thanks. I just left a dentist appointment and immediately began writing this email. So let's get into my triggered. I'm a 35-year-old attorney. I just moved to a new city to join my fiance in October of last year. I work at an incredibly stressful job with extremely long hours, often working late nights, weekends, and holidays. I do my best to stay on top of all of the health maintenance and life things, but admittedly get behind. So I just now got around to my first dental cleaning with a new dentist since I moved. I know.

I'm overdue. In the process of cleaning my teeth, the hygienist commented that I had some inflammation and bleeding as she jabbed my gums with a metal pick. I've told this pretty much every time I go to the dentist too, I think personally. I don't floss. And was wondering out loud what the contributors could be. She asked, are you on any medication? sometimes certain medications can cause inflammation. To which I said, yes, she pulled away from my teeth to look at my chart on her computer and said,

let's take a look at your medicine list. After a few moments, she states in a shocked but serious tone, wow, that's a lot of medicine. I was immediately taken back. I laughed a little and said, well, yeah, I'm an attorney. So of course I have the migraines, anxiety, depression, and ADHD special. I thought my joke would end the commentary, but she kept going. and said, I'm not telling you what to do, but I wonder if you could try something a little more natural to kill some of these things. I have dealt with my conditions my entire life. I see a neurologist and a psychiatrist. I have tried and continue to use various treatments and methods to address and manage my issues,

acupuncture, massage, magnesium, and physical therapy for my migraines, talk therapy and vitamin D for my mental health. And I move my body regularly working out three to four times a week. That being said, I do take medications and I'm a firm believer in science and Western medicine. I receive Botox injections every four months for my migraines, which has quite literally changed my life. I also take some as needed medications for pain and nausea at the onset of a migraine and antidepressant and a medication for my ADHD. We're talking maybe seven medications total, which again, not all of those are taken every day. It is crazy to me to provide unsolicited feedback and what felt like judgment of someone's use of medications, which have been prescribed by medical professionals and see me for those specific issues. So Drodin, Dredan, and Dr. Naomi, how triggered can I be? Thanks and look forward to hearing what you think,

a mind your own medications, betch. A dental hygienist providing psychiatric advice is incredibly triggering. Yeah, that's crazy. You should go a more natural path. Like, who the fuck are you? You have no idea. Like, she could have been, I don't know what exactly she's on. She said she's on anxiety medication. I don't know if that's an SSRI. Like, she could have been suicidal. Like, you don't know what she's going through and why she's placed on these medications. She could be having panic for a dental hygienist to be telling her to take more natural medications for what she's experiencing when you have not done an interview. All you've done is poke her gums. And you have no qualifications either to even if you had done an interview. That's not your

area of expertise. I don't mean to be a Karen, but I think that she should probably let the practice owner know that this is what the hygienist is doing because I am sure that this is against any type of protocol that they have. That is crazy. Also, just because there's such a stigma, there's a stigma or not such a stigma, but there is a stigma around taking medication. I think a lot of people do feel some shame or that they should, they should be toughing it out alone or that they should be, you know, do they need the Novocaine for the tooth for the root canal? Like, when she writes to us, she feels the need to give a whole explanation of all of the natural things that she's you don't need to explain yourself to us you don't need to explain yourself to anybody you're suffering in some way

you've gone to a mental health professional or professionals for your migraines and for other things and this is what you've taken to help you function and get through your day in the way that you don't need to explain yourself to anybody this is i find this very triggering for because you're wearing a scrub suit and a mask that you think now you can shame her into feeling like she shouldn't be taking the medications that she's taking. Especially when she hasn't even asked or like solicited your opinion in any way. And you have your qualifications to give it. She's not flossing.

That's why her teeth are bleeding. Just like me. It happens to me all the time. That's a lot of medications would be like, a four suggesting that she replaced them with more natural remedies

I think is like a seven that part is just crazy like the idea that you would suggest that to anyone with absolutely no qualifications is insane. That's a lot of medication. Again,

seven is not like a hundred. If you saw a hundred, if you saw a hundred medications on someone's list, I could see why you might say that's a lot of medication. Right. Seven is like

you know, as someone who's been on a lot of fertility drugs, I've been on more than seven. Right. And they're also, they're not all everyday medications. Some of them are like as needed medications for whatever. I didn't know you're supposed to list Botox under medications. I've never listed that one. Well, I think hers is not, hers is for like like migraines. Yeah. Not for vanity like mine. Yeah. Okay. She should just be saying, okay, I'll make sure the doctor is aware of the medications or, you know, I'll check and see if that has anything to do with the bleeding that you're experiencing or this is, yeah, I'm going to give this a seven because she's shaming her. And I feel bad because she, you know, even in this moment, she's feeling like to us, she has to justify all the natural methods that she's tried. Yeah. Take it all. Go nuts.

No, like just, you know, you've got to do it. You have to do. And I think you're, you know, just trying to get through the day. And I agree. Doing the best you can. Oh, gosh. People. People are crazy. But thank you for writing in. Good emails. And we will be back next week. That's our time. Great work today. Hey y'all, it's Kelly Clarkson with Wayfair. Ever order furniture online and wonder, what if? Like, what if it doesn't hold up? That sofa was four days old. You should have ordered from Wayfair. With Wayfair, there's no what if. Just style you love and quality you can trust.

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