Oversharing - Am I Just Dating Not To Be Alone?

Episode Date: May 2, 2023

Happy Overshare-aversary! The show turns one year old, and Jordana is being more mindful than ever, so Dr. Naomi gives her some tips for overcoming discomfort in the moment. Then a listener calls in with a question about how to stop cycling through the same three guys she’s been dating. How do you break a cycle of dating people just to avoid being alone? The Betchicist question comes from a listener who was planning to break up with her boyfriend… right before he had a heart attack. Are you obligated to stay with someone during a crisis? This week’s intentions are all about moving on from the thrill of casual dating to find something more meaningful. Finally, they tackle some triggered submissions about grad school regrets and an overly competitive friend. Check out our latest promo codes here: https://betches.com/promo Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

A quick note before we get into the episode, Oversharing is a podcast for entertainment purposes only. It is not a medical podcast and does not constitute medical or psychological advice. Always seek the advice of your physician or a mental health professional. Hello and welcome back to Oversharing. I'm Trudana Eberham. And I'm Dr. Naomi Bernstein. So great to catch up on this Monday morning.

Good to see. You look pretty. Oh, thank you. I got my hair carotined. I was going to say you have like, the little wispy face framing angles. Those are cute. Oh, wow. I guess that brings me a little bit to my topic of the day or something I thought. So I've been trying out, you know, when we discussed like a couple weeks ago when I moved, we discussed trying to be neat

and more organized and bringing like mindfulness into that. Totally. And I feel like I really have been giving it a shot and it's been kind of amazing. Awesome. So tell me details. What's what have you been doing? I mean, like you said, it's really all about like those little moments where like I come home and my first instinct is to just kind of like kick off my shoes and like leave them wherever I think of it. But I've just been made like it's kind of like you said, just slowing down. I take off the shows. And what it has been happening to bring it down to the micro moment is I'll kick off the. shoes and then I'll keep walking and then I'll think wait like I said this is like not what I want to do I don't want to just have things like laying about everywhere so I like turn around and I get the shoes and I put them in the closet and afterwards I feel like pretty good like it really like it's like I don't have the time to do that yes I guess you're just like it's maybe especially when you walk in the door you're just like I want immediate comfort immediate right away

and it's just like breathing through that like immediate discomfort in like tidying up after yourself. And I've been trying. Again, it's only been two weeks. So I don't want to pretend I'm like a tidying guru or anything. But it feels like really nice to be in a space where things are not like cluttered and just there's not just like shit everywhere. Yes, that's amazing. And I do think moving is a great opportunity to make that fresh start because it's not like, you have to undo a bunch of stuff in order to get there.

Right. You just have to do it right the first time out of the box, no pun intended. You know, like it's, if I were to try to declutter, it would involve like going through a bunch of stuff that's already out and about and in the wrong spot and putting it back. So that's a really great opportunity to do it. And I totally agree. And it's funny because it does lead into the voicemail. We have a voicemail today.

And it does lead into that, that moment where you're. uncomfortable and there's something quick and easy that's going to make you feel better. And for you, it's like, I'm going to come in and just splat. I'm going to kick my shoes off and just lay on the couch. I'm not even going to put my bag up. I'm not even going to check the mail. I'm just going to like plop. Right. And that feels, even the idea of it feels really good. And it probably feels really good, but if you can just resist the urge to do the thing that's going to make you the most comfortable, the quickest, and like you said, just take that breath and say, okay, it's five seconds for me to grab my shoes and stick them in the closet or we'll hear the

voicemail. If any change that you're trying to make, if you can find that little space, that five second breath space to do something differently, that's where you can. really make the change. So I love that. And it's a, it's a silly example. It's not a big deal. It's not like a drug addiction or, you know, a super self-sabotagey behavior. Yes. Even just, yeah, no, but it gives you faith that you could bring it to like so many other things. And like you, it's like, it's just if you break it, everything feels so overwhelmed. Like to me, the idea of like becoming a neat person or someone who's just like we talk about going to those other people's houses. Like to become that person seems so overwhelming.

me. But I think things feel like they're doable when you just break them down to like the tiniest micro steps. And the micro step is just like every time I see something that's dropped on the floor or that's just not put away, I just take a breath and I put it away. And you just keep repeating that. And I have to assume that if you do it for long enough that it becomes like a second nature rather than something you have to constantly remind yourself to do or breathe through doing, right? I think it boils down to mindfulness. Like I always said, I remember even in my early 20s saying the condition of my car was sort of like the condition of my life. So like if my car was a disaster, it felt like my whole life was a disaster. And it probably, I never really sat down and

thought like why that was, but I think it plays into this. Like I was so busy in my head and everything seemed so urgent. And it was like overwhelmed and too many things. things that I couldn't find the pause to take the empty half-filled water bottle, whatever it was, and just like find it, pick it up and take it with me wherever I was going and throw it in the garbage or just finding that moment, I think is it really, that's what it's all about, being able to slow down, pause, nothing is so urgent, you're not as overwhelmed as you think you are, you have five seconds to think, make a choice, be intentional. So I think people do end up feeling like their living space is like a symbol of their, you know, level of clarity. Yeah,

mindset, clarity in life. And it is because it's that little bit of just pausing and doing things slowly and thinking about where you are in that, like, I'm in this moment, taking my, shoes off. I'm not in my head about what I have to do later or what I'm going to have to do next or all the things that I have to do and why I don't have time to put my shoes in the thing. It's like, no, I'm here. I'm in this moment taking my shoes off. I'm putting them in the closet. And then I'm going to move on to the next thing that's currently happening in my life. So I do think it, it's symbolic of living a little bit more in the moment. And it's almost like in Buddhism and And religions where they're very focused on mindfulness, it's like people build mandala's.

And it's sort of like, it's like those symmetrical designs. Like if you ever see, I probably have one in here somewhere. It's like a circle. Yeah, like a circle. Like you'll ever see out of rocks, they'll build like the tiny rocks in the middle. And then they find rocks and the rocks get progressively bigger. It's like a swirling kind of. I mean, there's tons of different mandala pan.

But it's basically like a very intricate, symmetrical, intentional design that takes slow, painstaking focus to create. And it's like a spiritual experience in creating these mandala's. And it's kind of like, well, what? I don't get it. Like, why? And it's because you're in the moment. You're very slowly like trimming a bonsai tree, you know, from like karate kid or whatever. It's like what?

It's like flow. Right. You're just in the moment focusing on this tree and the trimming of the tree and the placing of the rocks and these very tiny little small acts that really help cultivate a mindful present spirit. I love the idea of manual labor type thing. If you're feeling stressed or paint a wall or clean a closet or do something that requires, like I have to be in this moment here and I'm like doing this thing and I'm doing it. intentionally and it might not be the most exciting thing. It also trains your brain to be able to tolerate stillness and quiet and focus, focus, focus is so important. Yeah, I think that's amazing. And the other part of it, I think, that goes hand in hand with it is sort of like the

Buddhist thing you're saying is like this idea of like minimalism, which I'm become recently very into with just like, because I just feel like I acquire so much crap and there's so much stuff and it's just kind of like so little of it is needed or used and there's just this idea I guess it's like it's a mindset thing of like from going to like I need to like hoard all these things and so that I have them with me even if I'm not using them when really like we need we need and use so little on a day to day basis that if you could get rid of all that noise even like you said it goes with the thoughts that are in your head the noise the noise of the mindset and the noise of your space is just and because and no one sells minimalism to

you because everyone's always trying to sell you shit. Yes. Yes. Whatever. Like they're always, I mean, us included. We have ads on the show. Totally. It is no one makes money off of everyone buying less shit so you don't really see that as much

in pop culture. Totally. But it's kind of like a beautiful thing to just have very little things. Yeah. It helps with the idea of like clinging. which is another concept that is helpful to, you know, sort of be able to detach a little bit from these external things that make us feel safe, whatever they are. And again, it's something we can talk about today in a lot of the emailers. And everybody's issues have to do with

clinging and looking for things on the outside to make us feel better. So that's what all this stuff is. Right. Yeah. Well, I guess let's get into it since it's really on the line of our topic. But also, before we did get into it, I did want to say a happy anniversary since tomorrow. That's right. Yes. We've been, the show has been around for one year as of tomorrow. And it's been such a great year. It really flew by. Happy anniversary. It really did fly by. And I have to tell you, and this is like between me and you and the listeners get to hear it, but a sisterly moment of I, meeting with you every week and doing this has brought a whole new level of meaning into my life. I love it. It's been like the thing

that I never knew that I was missing until we had it. So I really just, I love connecting with you and laughing with you and seeing your face and it's, you know, life happens and you don't always get to, you know, make a weekly appointment to have a hour and 15 minute chat. So the fact that it's on the calendar. It's part of work has really brought like a whole new meaning and I love it. It's like brought a lot of joy to my life. So I love you. I love doing this with you. I can't believe it's been a year. I know. I feel like it's really brought us closer. It's more than this like, I don't say force, but it's like, yeah, we have a meeting everything. Yeah, you have a meeting. It's on the calendar. You catch up and I get your your weekly insights. And I feel like I've become a more mindful,

calm person just from hosting the show with you. And I hope the listeners feel the same way. I feel like we see a lot of that in the comments and the emails. And so I think it's great that, you know, we on only are helping each other. But the listeners as well. Happy anniversary. All right. Well, let's get right into it. Our first overshare is a voicemail. If you want to leave a voicemail, you can call 646363, 6294. And if you want to email, you can email oversharing at Betches.com. But our first email is a voicemail. So let's have a. listen. Hi, Geriana. Okay. All right. Aside from her sounding like she's in a wind tunnel, she's leaving this recording,

she's probably driving. The reason why I thought of this when we were talking about the mindfulness piece or like that, you know, it's pause, that little three second pause. This seems like it's a perfect example of if you, if she can create that pause before she text the guy or before she responds to the text. There's like, I always say when it comes to rekindling, whether it's texting an X after you've broken up or this type of situation where you keep going back to someone who's not good, there's a moment. There's a very pivotal moment and it's probably takes a total of, I mean, even on the long end, I'd say five minutes. If you can pause for five minutes and deal with that discomfort of instead of kicking your shoes off and throwing them wherever,

instead of just sending the U-Up text or whatever it is, pausing, creating a little bit of space and making a decision with a little bit more thought about the long term instead of just scratching that itch to kick your shoes off and plop down on the couch. Yeah. I do think this is probably harder than the shoes thing. Because with the shoes thing, it's like, okay, if I take a second and then I put away the shoes, then the problem's over. I'm no longer thinking. The shoes are already away. Right. Right. For this kind of situation, I see why it's harder. And I've done this recycling of X's thing where you're like lonely or you feel like it's better than nothing. And so I think, yeah, it's easy to resist the urge or not easy, but it can be easier to resist the urge for even one night. Let's. say you're like, I feel lonely. I want to text this person. And then you're like, let me take a breath. Let me play that out. It's probably not going to go well. Let me not do it.

But then it sucks when it's like the next day you feel lonely too or the next week you feel lonely too. And then you're kind of like, well, I've been thinking about it this whole time. And if I still want to do it and I'm still thinking about it, then like maybe I just need to do it. Right. And I do think you trick yourself into thinking. like, oh, well, maybe I, you know, it'll be different this time. It'll be different this time. Or even like if it's not, I'll be okay. Or I've been, like even like you said, I've been thinking about it. I resisted the urge day one. I resisted the urge day two. Now it's back day three. I think sometimes people think maybe that means something. It's a sign, right? Yes. Yes. Totally.

You know, I always say like if I go shopping and I really like something, but it's like too expensive or it's outside of my budget, I'll force myself to leave. I'll say I'm leaving. If I'm still thinking about it tomorrow or the next day and enough to the point where I'm going to like get up and go in the car and go back to the store and get it, then I'll go get it. Right. But I do think that in this situation, sometimes it is easy. Like the thoughts are going to pop back up the next day and what do you do? and how many times can you do this effort of, okay, five minute timer on my phone, see if I could change the channel in my mind. Because I do think a piece of it is when you first see that person's

name, because a lot of times it's like the person reaching out to you. Then it feels like, well, I didn't reach out to him. Right. And if they reached out, then they must, you know, there must be something different. Right. Right. So there's almost like I always talk about that physical activation thing that happens. So when you see this person's name pop up on your phone, your heart starts pounding, the butterflies, like, oh my gosh, this is a little exciting. I remember, you know, how it felt, or maybe it'll be, all those things. They're back. Yes. They always come back. I knew they'd come back. Yes, they do almost always come back. Or even when you message them and then they respond, you're like, oh, they're, you know, they're happy to hear from me. They're here. Yeah. Right. So I think one

piece of advice and I know it's not, you know, it's not a cure-all and it's not the easiest thing, but I would just at the very least wait until, and you can even like, we haven't talked about this on here. Maybe we can talk about it down the road biofeedback. Have you ever heard of biofeedback? Is that like when you're feeling the way your body responds something? Yeah, but it's like actually measuring it with like machines. Like an Apple lodge or something? Yeah, I don't know what they have. And I'm curious to see what Apple has in terms of like biofutable. feedback metrics, but they have. It's like what you would wear if you were taking a lie detector test. Okay. So it's like measures. And that's how they, that's how lie detector tests work.

They, if your body's activated, they're not in your brain. Lie detector test doesn't read your thoughts. It just reads your body's reaction to your thoughts. Yeah. So, I mean, we don't all have biofeedback machines, but the concept is if you can make sure that you're not physically activated when you're responding or when you choose to respond or reach out, like even if you can pause long enough. And then maybe you give yourself permission like, okay, if I still want this,

when I'm calm, then I'll go ahead and let myself have it. But like as a first line defense saying, I am not going to, I'm going to put my phone down. Do not touch the phone like it's on fire when your body's activated. Like leave it on the desk and act like you will be. burn yourself if you pick it up when you're feeling like your stomach is in knots, when you feel

like your heart is pounding, when you feel like your skin is clammy or sweaty or any of these signals that your body's activated because that's also a signal that all of your blood flow is going to not away from your brain into your arms and legs and your body to kind of do fight or flight so you're not going to be doing your best thinking in that moment. So if you could just say, okay, I'm not responding until my body is calm. And if there is some, right in or texting them, I guess she's saying she's reaching out. So in this person's scenario, I'm not going to message. Yeah. So like if you're sitting and you're lonely and you're, you know, there's something in your body that feels activated, that's when I would, because something happens that a thought happens that creates a

feeling in her body. I guarantee this. And if you slow, again, slow your mind. down and watch it. A thought happens. Maybe she comes home from a bad date with somebody else that she's not interested in and she's sitting by herself. A thought happens. Guarantee creates a sensation in her body that she's probably not even aware of that then goes back up to her brain and tells her brain, we have to do something about this. This doesn't feel good. And her go-to do something about this, this doesn't feel good. When there's that particular cocktail of neurotransmitters and, you know, biochemicals, there's a particular cocktail that triggers text X. If we could write, if we could get a printout of all of this, I guarantee it. That's what it would look like.

So she just has to kind of ride that wave, I think, long enough to get back to that rational mindset. And she can also, when she's in a state of mind like she is when she wrote this letter where she knows that it's not good for her, maybe she can promise herself, like, I'm going to read this before I have any contact with any of these people. Yeah. I have another tip too, I think, along those lines of, so like sometimes it's hard to like, again, when something is self-soothing and you know it's kind of going to work and you're kind of like, well, I have nothing else to do. And it feels better than being lonely and like, or it feels better than, you know, doing nothing or it feels better to do this than to feel good right away than it does to feel bad

and then maybe feel better later. Right. If you're going to do it, and this has worked with me with my own situation of going back to people who I knew weren't good for me, I think when I was ready to like stop doing it, which sounds like she is that she's tired of the cycle, is to if you're going to do it, do it again, but do it a little different than you used to do it. Do it a little bit healthier than you did. So maybe if you're going to reach out, you still reach out, but you say, you know, I know in the past, I was wondering if it's different for you this time. Something like that maybe like brings out a little bit of more vulnerability in, in yourself or sort of like clarifies what the situation is. And that way it doesn't go that far

if it's not going to be working well. Like I think about a situation with, with me and, you know, a situation ship that I kept going back to. And the time that was the last time I did it, I still did it, but I said, you know, when we do this, I have a lot of fun. And then the next day, I feel really bad. And I said that to him. And even that just changes the whole thing. Yes. So it's like you're still doing it, but you're doing it a little different. Right. And if you keep doing it a little different, a little better, a little more vulnerable, a little more openly. I think you get a different result. Whether, not and the result isn't usually like that you wind up with them. No. The result is more like you're living in like a reality where

things are being like said. There's no like pushing everything under the rug. Like you could do it while not pushing things under the rug and maybe you'll have a slightly different outcome. And I guess like along the lines of the doing one thing differently, like if I had to relate it to the shoes, it would be like, okay, maybe I don't want to put, maybe I'm not ready to put the shoes in the closet and walk from the foyer to all the way to the closet. But maybe I'll line them. I'll start by just lining them up. Yeah. So they're not one shoe over here and one shoe on the other side of the room. And maybe we can get there that way. Totally. Yeah. And I think there's something too, like you're scratching the itch,

but you're scratching it a little bit differently and maybe it'll help, you know, reduce the need for that itch in the long run because you're kind of changing the game a little bit by putting it out there. And at best and worst case scenario, it's like too much for him and it's heavy and he's like, uh, forget it. Right. And then it ends it earlier, than it would have. Yeah, I love that. Well, give it a shot. Let us know how it goes. Should we get into our betchesist segment where we give some ethical feedback on an issue? Yeah, let's do it. I'll read this one. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Bernstein. I love listening to all the advice and stories you discuss on the podcast. I'm in a really difficult situation with my boyfriend of a little over one year. I've been seriously

considering breaking up with him because he's unmotivated or sex life isn't the greatest and I worry about his I was planning to break up with him, but then my boyfriend, who's 37 years old, had a heart attack. He's in the hospital and needs multiple surgeries. I care for him tremendously because he has always treated me well and is a good guy, but I feel myself slipping away and do not know how or when to end this relationship. Do I stick around to see him through all the upcoming operations? I'd appreciate any advice. Thank you. This is a hard one, I think.

Yeah. This is like, I've struggled a lot with figuring out what the morally correct thing to do what this one is. Because on the one hand, you're like, I assume most people would not want someone to be with them if they did not want to be with them or they were thinking about breaking up with them the whole time. To me, that's sort of like the worst case, the worst thing someone could possibly do. Right. Been like living this lie.

But on the other hand, it does seem like kicking some. when they're down to break up with them in a moment of true, you know, suffering in other ways. Right. Right. Yeah. I mean, I agree. I had the same thought. Like, I don't really know. I feel super confident either way. However, I feel like if she's been, you know, rolling this over for at least a few weeks, months, whatever it is, and considering, I think she can keep rolling it over for at least until he's like done with his surgeries and physically, you know, capable of, I don't know how much she's caring for him or if he has family or we didn't hear any of that background. But my ultimate decision, if I had to pick one or the other, would be to, you know, hold off

until he's like out of the hospital and on his feet and able to be functioning. Right. Before she breaks the news. I think assuming it's not like going to be like six month ordeal. Right. You know. I agree. I think get him out of like the danger zone.

Right. Of this situation. Like let him like return to somewhat, you know, normal life. I mean, I guess she said he has a bunch of operations coming up. I don't know how long those are going to. to be, but it's very tough. I don't know. I mean, like, what would be the maximum amount of time that you would spend with someone

that you didn't want to be with? Like, how long, how long of a grace period. Right. Right. Yeah. I agree. There's no great time to break up with someone. There's no great time to break up with someone.

But I do think if he's, like, laying in bed, like, on post-stop. Yeah, wouldn't break up with him in the hospital. Right. Right. I think if he's home and he's like, you know, not an immediate medical danger, because it's also like him, I'm sure he's on medications and, you know, if he's having surgeries, he's going to be on pain meds and that's probably not a great time to do this. So, yeah, I agree. If this is going to be an ongoing thing for six months or a year, I think at some point you have to just rip the band-aid off and that's not going to feel good. But I also want to free you of your guilt that you didn't, you know, you can't like, like you're saying, you can't stay with someone just because you feel badly for them and they're in a bad position and he wouldn't want that either. Right. And I think you could do the breakup in a way that I don't know if this is how this is the right thing to do or not. But I think you could say like if you break up with them and they're still, you know, they have few operations coming up or they're things you can say like I still care about. And

you and I want to be, I would like happy to be here for you as a friend to get you through these things. I don't know if you want that, but you can offer your support in a non-romantic way. And again, I'm not sure someone would like take that or want that, but I think there's a kind and caring way to do that in a way that shows that you still care while not pretending to feel a different way than you do. Right. I agree. Especially for her, if she's in a position where she's like not feeling all the loving feelings anymore and she's not, it's not going to be so torturous for her to like be around him and help him and she's kind of feeling like she's out, then it might not be too much skin off her back to offer to, you know, help him out with certain

things. And even if there are things from a distance like dropping off this or, you know, that type of thing, I think it would be a nice gesture to offer that if she thinks she can handle it. But yeah, this is a tough situation. I feel bad for this guy. I feel bad for her. The timing's just bad. This is a good PSA. Break up with him before he has a heart attack.

If you're thinking of it. Yeah. I mean, I would, yeah, I think a heart attack buys you another month in relationship. I agree. And you could do another month. That sounds about right. Yeah, this is tough. This is a perfect betchaicist email because this is a real ethical dilemma.

Not that there's rules, but I'd give it a month. Yeah, sounds about right to me. Right. I'm trying to think, I'm trying to think who was me and I was dating someone that I was very into and that they were thinking about breaking up with me. Like, I don't think I would want them to be with me through that much more of the initial emergency stage, obviously, like, again, if you're in the middle of the actual physical crisis, not a good time. But I think once the dust has settled a little bit from that, I wouldn't want

someone to be with me because they felt bad for me for an extended period of time. Totally. And then you're thinking, like, oh, I was vulnerable. And I was like, you know, I had these unattractive qualities and I'm in this like, you know, very vulnerable state. And then looking back and knowing that they were in that and they didn't want to be. would make me feel worse. You know, like I was like not well showered perhaps because I couldn't, you know, and they're like doing that and they don't want to. That would make me feel worse to think that they were with me in such a vulnerable

state when they were having thoughts about leaving. Yeah. So I think as long as it's not urgent and if he has a support network, I think that matters, right? If it's just her for some reason, which you probably would have said if that was the case, then that's much harder than if it's like, okay. okay, he has family, friends that are willing to come in and support him, then I think you can go as soon as, you know, he's well enough to have the conversation. Let's do some intentions. I can read the intentions. Hi, Dr. Naomi and Jordana, huge fan of

DST, you up and now oversharing, love your non-judgmental approach and sister dynamic. I'm a single 30-year-old woman living in a major city and up until a couple of years ago, I wasn't dating much slash hadn't had a serious adult relationship. I needed to overcome some confidence issues and via therapy and a lot of work on myself and big life changes have become a pro casual dater. I've been enjoying being single and learning about myself and finally feel really happy and hopeful about where I'm at in life. Good job, living alone for the first time, new city and new friends, traveling, etc.

Eventually, I do want a partner in a family. I even recently froze my ex. The problem is that maybe I've become too comfortable with the dating stage and not what comes after. When I meet someone who I can see potential for something more serious with, I get a little panicky. It just seems so scary to give up the spontaneity and exciting unknown of being single and settle down with one person for the rest of your life. How can one person fulfill all your needs slash how can you stay happy and not lose interest in one another? Am I just not ready? My parents have been together for 45 years, so I'm not really sure where this fear comes from, but I think it's

caused me to end things prematurely in the past with guys who seem serious about me. I think it's also causing me to choose to date people I know won't work out, whether it's just based on physical attraction or just too different or they're emotionally unavailable. I'm still in therapy and trying to work through this, but I was hoping you could help me with advice and or an intention to stay present in dating instead of getting ahead of myself and preventing something more meaningful to take root. Thank you. Commitment issues, batch.

All right. I like this question. I think it sounds, my interpretation of this was that. She says she had a lot of confidence issues early in her life, dating in her 20s. And then she did a lot of work on herself, therapy. She found her confidence. And that seems like it coincided with this dating, enjoying dating, which I don't think is a coincidence, right? It's much more fun to date when you're confident.

Yeah. Yeah. And if one guy leaves, your worth doesn't lie in that person's hands, which is amazing and wonderful. And I think that's what allows this person to be able to say, I like dating multiple people because you don't find someone who likes you. And you're like, oh, I better hang on to this one. I'm never going to find someone else who's going to like me again. So I think that it's great that she's discovered that, but she may be sort of linking the two together in her mind. Like this confidence piece and the dating multiple people piece, you know, I wonder if there's

a fear for her of if I settle down, I'll kind of lose, or if I crave monogamy, which I maybe get the feeling maybe she was kind of craving monogamy before. Yes, I don't know if that's the case, but that she used to kind of crave that. And maybe in her mind, she's creating an association with her lack of confidence and that feeling of wanting commitment, that those two things go together in her mind. And maybe she can try to separate those out. That was my initial thought on this. I don't know.

No, I think that's a very accurate assessment. I didn't even think about the linking of the two stages of life. But that's true. I mean, I think Chris Rock has like a statement about you're only as loyal as your options. Right. Right. So she's feeling good. Like she's got a big dating pool and she's having fun.

Then like maybe she doesn't feel like she sees the benefit of settling down. I think there's, I think it's. sort of like a question that's hard to know without answer without knowing more about her in the sense of because I think it's also perfectly okay to be like in this stage of my life I'm having fun dating and multiple people and I'm not looking for a relationship and I think that that seems like an opinion that that seems rare especially for women or that seems like not what you should want right but I think it's a perfectly I mean God knows men have have have that feeling all the time. So I think if she if she's looking inside herself and she's saying like,

I'm actually just having a really fun time and I'm not looking for someone to like be exclusively dating and be in a relationship with and the idea of doing whatever I want all the time is kind of awesome. Then I think there's no problem in dating to have fun as long as you're not deceiving anyone or you're and maybe it's a good thing that you're dating people who seem like they have their own commitment issues in that case. Right. But if it's you know, if it's not really about that and it's just and it's about this and I think you see this a lot with men where you talk about that where it's like is it that you don't want to be in a relationship or is it that you just haven't found someone that you want to be in a relationship with right and sometimes that's hard

to untangle I don't really know what to ask yourself to find out what the answer to that is right yeah I mean I think that if she's enjoyed it's like the way she describes it I agree with you. It sounds like she's enjoying it. She's having fun. She loves her life. And I could see kind of being like, why do I have to change this if this all feels great? And it's interesting because you, like a lot of women, I feel like it's almost like a plague. Women in their early mid and even late 20s, a lot of them, not all, but I would say many, many women in that stage of life suffer from confidence issues. and give over a lot of their sense of self-worth to romantic partners. So it's almost like she's in this sweet spot where she's kind of worked through that.

And now she's about to enjoy the spoils of like working, being able to date and be single without giving her partner so much power over herself. And now she's jumping right to, but I shouldn't be doing this because I need to commit, I need a commitment. and like I should be doing something different where it's, I almost love the fact, like I wish women could find their way there earlier, like in their early to mid-20s,

where they don't have- Better dator that way. Yes. Better data and just like enjoying the process more than, you know, just dealing with a lot of the stuff that comes along with being, it's almost like a universal early, mid, even late 20s thing where it's a lot of comparisons, a lot of who else is doing what and how am I doing in terms of

other people. But I think if she could step back and enjoy it, which is what I think she's trying to do, that would be pretty incredible and just, you know, allow her to, you know, she has these nice, fresh frozen eggs that are like, you know, ready to be used whenever she wants. And she could just kind of do this for another 10 years if she wants to. Yeah. Maybe within that, naturally, she'll just stumble upon somebody who, like you're saying, is so worth it that she's willing to give this up. I get what she's saying, that she's saying, like, am I the problem? And maybe she is. And maybe that's okay for now. Maybe you give yourself a bunch of years, however long you want to say, I'm happy. Like, if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Yeah. And I think that, like, if it's something

you really want, you'll know. Right. Like, I think there'll be that feeling thing. There's, there's a feeling inside you that's like, I, you know, whatever I'm doing now isn't working for me. I want something more serious. I want something more committed. And I think that that's, it's okay to not have that all the time. It's actually kind of, like I said, I would be, like, jealous of someone who could feel

that all the time. And you can bring that to anything to, like, kids to anything else. It's like, yeah, there's the things you, like, quote, quote, should be doing. But then it's kind of like, when you want something, like, your body will tell you if you're happy or you're unhappy with what you're doing. It'll tell you if whatever you're currently doing isn't making you happy. So I don't think she needs to force herself to be in a mindset of getting into a long-term relationship if she doesn't want to be in one. Right. I agree with you. I think perhaps there's a fear of like she's going to turn around and she's

going to be 40 and then she's the one that, you know, there's going to be like the one that got away that really was interested in her and wanted a commitment and was available. And now it's too late. She had commitment issues. She didn't want to commit. Now he's married to someone else. And she's going to regret not doing that. But that's all great in theory spinning around in your mind.

But when you're sitting on the couch with him and you want to be outdating other people, that just is what it is. And that is where she's at. And I think you can scare yourself into settling down by saying, like, I might never find this again. That's possible. But, you know, I don't think that that's, you know, kind of a good way to live your life is like, well, I better do this now because I might regret not doing it. Unless you're a man that's wronged me, in which case, that's my hope for you. Like, 45, just wishing, wishing you had a.

Totally. committed. Yeah, for sure. And, you know, look, anything's possible. It's possible that one of these guys that she's not ready to commit to down the road, you know, she decides that she wishes that she would have committed. I guess that's possible. But yeah. And if she, you know, I, so I agree with all this. I think she should lean into this freedom that she has and not having her emotions be in the hands of anyone else. That's like a beautiful thing about not being in relationship. Your emotions are your and you don't have to hand them over to anybody. However, I would, you know, we can address the idea that she thinks she has, quote, unquote,

commitment issues and she wants to get over them. So it's almost. And she's writing in. So maybe that's the case. Right. I think there might be something to that. So I wrote down two intentions for her that I think could help either way. If she decides to say, look, this is where I'm at.

I want to just embrace it. enjoy being single and like cut myself some slack, which I think we're both kind of on the page of like, if you got that and you feel good about it, then go with it. But one was in, that I wrote down was in reference to the confidence thing that maybe she feels like somehow if she craves someone, if she longs for someone, if she, you know, really is vulnerable enough to where she cares that she will, her confidence, will be rattled by that. Because I think that might be a piece of this.

So one thing, if that is, I don't know, you're out there. If I'm hitting the nail on the head, maybe this one will help. Might not. Well, it's hard to get hurt if you never like someone. Yes. Yes. So that's where I think some, if there are commitment issues for her, I think it might be in that place of like, I finally disentangled myself from this web.

of caring so much about what other people think about me and whether or not they're going to pick me that I don't even want to go near that web again because then I'm at risk of getting stuck in it. So one thing I wrote down for like a mantra or something that she can hold on to is my confidence can thrive in relationship, that she can hold this confidence

that she's cultivated and worked hard to get even when she is in a relationship with somebody else. Like somehow it feels, Like maybe she's doubting that. And the one that I think could go both ways, whatever she decides that I wrote as like an intention for leaning into now, I've worked hard to get here, lean into now and the future will unfold as it should. So I think if she can just, that might work either way, right? If she's with a guy and she likes him, lean into the moment of being with him without the fear of, oh, well, what would it mean if we get in a relationship and I start caring about him and he decides he

doesn't like me and I'll lose my footing if that happens, perhaps. Or even if the real fear is, it won't be exciting anymore. I won't be able to date different people. Which it sounds like that's what she's saying it is. Yeah. And if that's true, we can repeat what we've said to Jared when he was on this show, which is that you can break up with anyone at any time for any time. any reason. Yes. And that's allowed. And that doesn't make you a bad person. Totally. And I love that too

to keep in the back of your mind. That if at any point you decide this is boring, I find myself like seeking other men, I find myself looking to see what's going on, we don't have anything left to talk about. All the things that you're afraid of, cross that bridge when you come to it and end it. That's the beauty of not being married, that you can just end it. You don't have to even, you know, that could be your reason. This is not exciting me anymore. We've run out of stuff to talk about. I want to date other people. All valid. Valid. So I agree that. I agree with that. I think she can end it at any time. Lean into now and the future will unfold as it should. So enjoy it. And when you're with someone you like, enjoy the ability to break up with someone that you're no longer interested in. Enjoy the freedom of

not caring that much. Whatever it is that you're feeling in this moment, lean into it. I like those. Those are great. All right. I'm happy for her. Enjoy your life. Sounds like it's pretty great.

Jealous. I wish I felt that way. I mean, this is what it's like to. I told you to my ideal dating situation would be divorce mother. Totally. Totally. You know? Because like you're just having a good time.

And if something feels good, you go with it. And if something doesn't feel good, you just move on. Right. And for all the 23, 24, and 25 year old women, out there that are like so angsty about dating and finding a boyfriend, try to channel some of this. Like it's fun. A man doesn't get to decide your worth. The stuff that makes it feel so terrible is that you are waiting around to be chosen by somebody. Don't wait around to be chosen. You're amazing the way that you are. Have fun with it. That's very empowering. I'm sure our 23 to 25-year-old

listeners will even 26. You can have fun to. 27, forget it. That's it. You better know, but I just, I see it's like an epidemic. It's like you're so young and you're so panicked, you know. But of course, even up to this age 30, you know, however old you are, a life partner is something that's wonderful, but doesn't define yourself worth. Yes. Let's do some triggers.

Hi, Dr. Dana and Dr. Naomi. I met my boyfriend about two years ago at grad school. We've been officially together for about a year and a half. We both graduated last May and I got a job in the city where we went to school. Pre-dating me, my boyfriend had a job offer in his hometown and ultimately decided not to take it and also found a job in the same city, taking a pay cut so that we could stay together. I'm super grateful that he made this decision for us and the relationship is great. He's a great supportive partner and we have really great connection.

I definitely see a future together and we have talked about it at length. However, he keeps making comments about how much a waste of time. time and money our grab program was and how he's in a worse spot career-wise than he was before the program. I understand being frustrated, but given that this program graced him with me in his life, it is really triggering to me to hear over and over how much he regrets it. I never pressured him to find a new job. In fact, he didn't tell me he was searching until after he had been looking for a month. But every time he makes one of these comments, I feel so guilty that it's my fault that his career took a hit. So tell me, how triggered should I be? Is this just normal venting to his girlfriend

about job frustrations or is this more of a cause for concern? Thank you so much. I am the R-O-I. What's R-O-I? The return on investment. Oh, got it. Because he's complaining that the job, the grad program is not doing any better after it. Okay, right. I think that there is a chance that his complaining, has not thinking about her or the fact that he gave up the job at all. And it's just his own personal venting. And he's not like correlating it with like, I think she's sort of making that connection of he's complaining about the fact that he doesn't have a job. And he's blaming it on grad school. And he and he didn't take the other job because of me. So he's really resenting me, which could be the case. But I don't think that's necessarily his thought tree. I think that might be

her projecting that fear onto him when it's not about that. But it also could be. Right. She'd have to ask. Yes. I honestly, I don't think if he's doing all this and he moved in with her and he's with her and he's talking about it. When people say like, oh, this time in my life was a waste of time and money, I don't

think he's thinking about every thing that came out of it, including their relationship. I think he's actually thinking about the program. I could have gotten this job without doing this particular grad program. I think that's probably what it boils down to. But I guess because he took the worst job to stay in the town with her. Right. So that's the issue that I think could be worth communicating. Like, I don't think he's at all implying, like, I would have given up on our relationship

to save the money and the time. I don't think it's that big existential thing that he's dealing with. I think, but I do think she might. Maybe he is trying perhaps. to open up a conversation about him not being happy with his job and where he's at. And I think she should address it because if he's continuously repeating this thing about how he's not using his graduate degree, maybe just bringing up, would you like to try to find another job where you would actually be putting your degree to use?

Is there something that we can do? Are you feeling regretful about giving up that other job opportunity just in a very, you know, resentful. Regretful, you're even resentful. I think that if that's a feeling that he's feeling, it doesn't mean the relationship is over. But I think that's an important thing to work through. He might be too, you know, I mean, it feels, it doesn't,

I would imagine it usually doesn't feel safe to say, I resent that, you know, this relationship made me give up that job. I know I made the decision at the time, but now I'm kind of like, and especially maybe like now that you guys are a little more secure and you're over the, you know, absolutely infatuated stage where he's now thinking, well, now I'm making less money and I actually am kind of annoyed about that now that the dust has settled. Right. And it seems like she's probably working in their field, whatever they went to graduate school for. I would assume that they didn't both go to

graduate school and then not use their degrees at all to take either one of these jobs that maybe there is a little bit of like, but you got a job that's using this degree. I'm not. I do think it's probably, I think he's repeating it because he's looking, like, why would he keep repeating it? Maybe he is looking for something and opening to have a conversation about, okay, maybe we stay here for a year and then maybe down the road, we can go somewhere where I can have more opportunity, just to even talk about it. I think it's worth mentioning, you know, you keep saying this and I want to be supportive of you. I can understand how frustrating this is. would you like to talk about some other options for you career-wise?

Like, I'm open to talking about if there's anything else you'd like to do or if you're feeling regretful or resentful. I'm here. Let's talk about it. I'm open. Right. I agree. So, yeah, in terms of how triggering it is, I think it would depend on almost like, if you,

you'd have to have that conversation to see where the frustrations are lying. And if it's lying and him being resentful towards you, and then he's, you'd, continues making the statements, then yeah, that would be extremely triggering. But if it has nothing to do with you, then, which it very, again, I think it very well could be. The only way to find out is to ask. Yes. Yeah. It's happening for a reason. This is right for conversation. I'm going to give this a low score because I think that her being triggered is her being triggered on the idea that he regrets grad school and that he might mean that he regrets that time period. where they found each other. That's what I got from her email. I don't think that's what he means. I just

think he probably is feeling badly for himself about this job. I don't think it's about your relationship as a whole. And I think that's where she's being triggered on this. Yeah, because I guess she didn't say anything about being triggered that he resents her because she's not even necessarily even getting that from the conversation. I'm the one who probably planted that little seed in her head. Thank you for that. But, yeah. Yeah, I don't think it has anything to do about like wishing he didn't meet her. Because if he gave up the job, he clearly was very excited and happy to be with her and they're still together. So if it's about that, then yeah, I would give it like a three, two or three.

Yeah. Talk it out. I know it's going to be an awkward conversation, but you can do it. For sure. All right. I'm going to do another one. Hi, Dr. Naomi and Jordana. Thanks for being my more mindful hour of the week.

I miss my usual podcast mix of reality TV. gossip and awkward sex stories, all betches, of course. Triggered section for you and something I needed advice on. I live away from my home state and only visit a few times a year. My hometown friends and I love board games and usually play one at every get together. We are a little competitive, but honestly, it's all good fun, except for my friend's wife. She always ruins the mood on game night with her over-competitiveness and sore loser attitude. For example, tonight we played a word game.

She guessed one answer incorrectly and then kept lamenting about how she never heard of that word and Googled the translation multiple times to make sure we pronounced it correctly. Later, her husband made two guesses on an answer and she spent the next 20 minutes reading the instructions to check when no one else had an issue with it. And whenever someone else gets the answer wrong, she will always jump in to let everyone know that she guessed it right. While it's gotten to a point, it's an inside joke with everyone except her. It drives me nuts and makes an uncomfortable experience.

I want to note that she has high anxiety and seems to get physically elevated by games, yelling, face flushes red, says self-deprecating things when she gets something wrong, but I can't always empathize because it's just not that deep. How triggered can I be when a friend's competitiveness always ruins a fun time? Is there anything I can do to address this with her or to redirect the conversation when she gets angry? Thanks so much. Monopoly Manic. Yeah, this is funny.

I think we've all been in this situation with somebody that's like a little bit too competitive. when it comes to games. My advice is, and I don't know. I'm sure. I feel like you see this most office often with kids where if they lose the game, they like freak out. Freak out. Yeah.

To the point where you just like wind up letting them win just because like. It's like, I don't want to deal with you. Yeah. So that's what, so that was going to be my advice is any time from, for the rest of time, any time there's an issue where she is arguing about a rule or they're just give it to her. Just give it to her, give it to her, treat her like the five-year-old in the room and let her win. And I think at some point she'll maybe like start to realize. Yeah.

Like this is, this nobody else cares as much as me. They're letting me have it every single time. Nobody's fighting back. And this is no fun to like get worked up when I know that anytime she questions a rule, you know, a nuance or an answer. let her have it. And at some point, I think she'll realize, oh, my gosh, this is embarrassing. Like, nobody even cares that much. Right.

Because when you fight with them, it seems like you both kind of care. Yes. And then it, like, probably fuels them more to be, like, proving themselves. Right. Totally. 100%. What do you think that, and I've gotten very into games before, I don't know if I'm doing this, at least I hope not.

Someone please tell me if I am. What do you think fuel someone to, like, become so. So emotionally invested in these things. I used to do this a lot with like men in sports where it's like if their team loses, they like have a meltdown. It's like you're not even on the team. Right. But I don't know what the is there like a psychological reason that people become so invested in these things?

Yeah. I think it. I bet she's pretty good at games, this woman who she's referring to. There's probably some like identity, ego stuff. up in it. She's probably pretty good. She identifies as someone who's good at this. And so if she loses too many times or if she gets too many wrong answers, it kind of makes a dent in this ego boosting identity, you know, thing that she's created for herself. So I do think people have like a list of things that they feel good about themselves and things that they don't feel so good. So

if games is something that she's pretty good at, um, on her list. of who am I type things, like our ego, it probably doesn't feel good to feel like, I thought, like, you know, playing word games is something that I really identified with. And when she's not doing well at that, it just like takes a blow. The same way, like, if somebody writes a negative review on a podcast that you're on and you're sort of like, okay, like, I thought that people like this. Like, I thought I was doing something good and really, like one person doesn't like it. you might kind of have that feeling of like,

ugh, I thought I was doing something that people liked or I thought this was something that I did well. Right. I think you can relate if there's, I mean, I'm just picking that, but if there's anything that,

you know, you think you're good at and then you're finding you're not. I don't know how it relates to like sports teams and stuff like that. I think that's more of like a tribal thing. Well, some people incorporate that a lot into their identity.

Right. Like I have the Dallas Cowboys banner outside and the t-shirts and that yeah you feel like pride when they win and like this like just like as if they're your own part of your family i'm a fan that's part like who am i i'm a cowboys fan i'm a podcaster i'm good at games i yeah i think that's a that's a great point i think if some and this goes for anything even something more serious i think if you find yourself having an extreme overreaction to anything it's worth looking at to say is this this too much of my identity.

Is this too much of my life? Maybe I need to pride myself on other things in my life so that it doesn't become as a disaster when this thing doesn't work out. And I think that could be, you put that into dating. You could put that into, you know, fertility. You could put that into anything. Like if I, if my reaction to this thing, if it's ruining my day to hear a little bit of a setback in my, in how it's going in this category, maybe I am resting too much.

of my identity on this thing. If the podcast, if the podcast review is ruining your week, right. Maybe you're overly, you know, overly invested in the outcome of this thing. Totally. I could not agree more. And I think getting worked up to this point is a little alarm should go off like, why is this bothering me so much? And a lot of times I agree, It comes down to this is taking up too much of my identity. My ego is very wrapped up in this piece. And what if it never happened? What if I never win a game again?

Yeah. Like what if I never, you know, what if the cowboys never win another game? Is that going to ruin my entire life? You know, you have to kind of step back and detach a little bit. Got to get Dr. Weiner on, get a session with Dr. Weiner with the psilocy. Sybin.

Yes. Yes. Dissolve the ego. Dissolve the ego. Out of the equation. Make it, you know. And it all comes full circle with this idea of like just detaching and not clinging to things. Like, you know, your possessions, like being able to let go of possessions so you're not feeling like I need this thing to feel safe.

I need. A whole. Yeah. Yes. Being able to just like detach from things and just step back. watch the world spin with awe, with child's mind, let it all happen, and don't attach and cling to too much of it because ultimately we have no control. So when you try to control it all, doesn't mean anything.

None of it means anything. But in terms of how triggering this should be to the woman who's writing in, I think pretty low triggering, just because I would find it kind of funny, especially if I have like the entertainment source of the side chat, about what a lunatic person's being and I don't put myself above being someone who would not only partake but maybe even start it. Yes. Not that triggering.

Yes. I love the idea of just like let her have every single one. I'm so curious to see how what would happen if you do not say anytime she says anything, say okay, give it to Jenny. Yeah. Jenny's right. Oh, right. Jenny got that one.

Oh, Jenny. Oh, you got that one. Everybody. Jenny got that one. No, no, no, no, she's right. Yes, just keep giving it to her and I'm curious. It's funny because I was even playing pickleball with Lila yesterday. And, you know, I'm obviously better than her.

She's a kid. I'm an adult. But it was almost like she was in this like elementary school competitive mindset, like not realizing she was playing against me and I wasn't going to fight with her when she was like, that was out. I was like, okay. Okay. It was out.

You know, she was like, I'm going again. I get a do-over. I'm like, okay, you get a do-over. Do it over. And I could tell she was kind of like, oh, I could just like, well, she's not going to fight with me. Like, whatever I want to do over, I'm going to get a do-over. It was out.

It was out. Okay. We're just here to have fun. Right. So it kind of like took her back. It took her a second to realize like, okay, this isn't the elementary school playground where everybody's all wrapped up. But it doesn't matter to you if you winning.

Totally. Right. It's so annoying to play. I agree with you. As a competitive person, again, I don't think I'm as bad as the, as the person that email is writing about. But as a competitive person, there is nothing less fun than playing with someone who is like, chill. Then you set you feel like a maniac where you're like so excited. Like if you win and you're like, oh my God, I won.

Like I'm like, yeah, like take that. And they're like, okay. What's like for lunch? That's exactly what happened. Because you feel like a lunatic. Totally. I saw her when I was playing with her yesterday. I saw this whole like a wave of like what,

what world am I in that you don't even care if that was in or out? Makes it feel ridiculous. All right. We did it. I would give it like a again like a two. But that's it for today. And we'll be back next week. Happy anniversary.

Happy anniversary. Yes, many more years. All right, that's our time. Great work today. Oversharing is produced by Sean Kilby, Jorge Morales-Picco, and Rebecca Salis McHan. Editing by Basilio Perez. Yes, booking by Allie Freedander. Send your advice emails to oversharing at betches.com or leave us a voicemail at 646363-6294.