Oversharing - Am I Living In The Moment or Just Distracting Myself?

Episode Date: September 10, 2024

Today on Oversharing, Jordana and Dr. Naomi reflect on their summers and whether enjoying your life in the moment means you’re running away from your problems. Our Overshare comes from a Betch whose overbearing mother wants access to her hidden IG stories. Today’s Betchicist goes out to a listener who wants to spend quality time with her friends without them bringing their kids along. Dr. Naomi writes an intention for coping with an obliviously chatty mother-in-law. And we’re feeling triggered by zodiac signs and bachelorette guest drama. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

A quick note before we get into the episode, Oversharing is a podcast for entertainment purposes only. It is not a medical podcast and does not constitute medical or psychological advice. Always seek the advice of your physician or mental health professional. Hello and welcome back to Oversharing. I'm Trudana Abraham. And I'm Dr. Naomi Bernstein. How is it going?

How's life, your kids back in school? I've been seeing you in a couple weeks. It was away. Everyone's back in school. I feel like I've no idea what you're up to. You know, I'm not really on social media. So Jeff's like, oh, how's Jordana liking France? I'm like, oh, wait, right.

Like she's in France. You need to update me on your life. I love this podcast because I love talking to every week. But sometimes it's like the only, most of the time, it's the only catch up we have. And it's. It is. Basically, yeah, unless we do a little side rant.

here or there. Yeah. And that being said, I know you probably are talking about this on You Up and other podcasts, so I do not want the listeners to get a repeat. Give us some new juicy stuff. Some new stuff. Some new stuff. We haven't shared with everyone.

The trip was great. It was a great mix of, like, friends and, like, a one-on-one, like, romantic trip, and then we did another group thing and another place. And it was really great. I felt very lucky to be there. I felt very like, I felt a lot of gratitude when I was there for the experience. Maybe that's a lot coming from this show.

And yeah, it's great. It's been a pretty good summer, I would say, overall for me. I'm doing these renovations for my house, which was also like kind of stressful, but also like great, you know what I mean? It's all that perspective, I guess. Maybe that's another thing we get from here is like these are all great problems. to have. And I think about, you know, I try to like zoom out on my life. And I do feel like I'm very

lucky to have all these experiences. Like I like to take a step back and and feel the gratitude for that. And then, you know, like, obviously I still struggle with like the fertility stuff. So I feel like, I'm in like a weird place where I'm like in a little bit of like a this every like pregnancy announcement I see on Instagram. I get this twinge of like this feels really unfair. But then I like think back to the other aspects of my life, which like are very, I feel very lucky to have. I feel very like blessed in other ways that a lot of people aren't. So it's like a little weird to like almost know where to place my, like you kind of talk about this a lot like you're seeking mind, but while also really appreciating the stuff that's going really well because a lot of stuff is going really

well, but our minds always do kind of focus and latch on to that thing that we haven't really accomplished yet. Totally. It's like the single thing that we were talking about last time where it's like you, and you said this, which I thought was a really good point. You feel like you have to develop like conceptualization of how you're going to think about something. Like I have to have a game plan for my thoughts around this issue. Yes. And if you're game plan. I have to have to It has to be one way. And if your game plan is like, I'm going to travel and I'm going to redo my house and I'm going to focus on all the amazing things, then when you get that automatic tinge of whatever when someone else gets pregnant and you're like, oh, but wait, I'm not supposed to be like upset about that. Right.

That's not who I've like now told myself in the world that like is my attitude about this. Yes. Right. That's exactly it. Yeah. And it could be that way about being single. Like if you're one of your friends calls and says, oh, that guy that I went out with, like, we're exclusive and like, it's a thing.

And you're kind of like, oh, who else gets engaged or something else. Yeah, engaged. Right. And then it's just you're going, like, I don't think we can decide this is how we're going to feel about these types of life things. And you can definitely try to be in the moment. I think the key is, or at least what I've noticed, as I'm like, you know, the more I try, the more I lean in, the more I pay attention to my thoughts is like you're going to have that feel, like that tinge feeling that you said, whatever that is,

that's like a real feeling. And then that tinge feeling will very quickly be followed by a bunch of thoughts. And if you don't catch that moment, or I'll say this positively, If you can catch that moment where you're like, ooh, tinge feeling, and then step back and watch the resulting thoughts, that's where you can create the change. The feeling is the feeling. The feeling is like your little warning sign of like, uh-oh, a bunch of thoughts are going to start swarming in here. Like the tinge feeling is like you fed the seagull at the beach. Right. oh now they're all coming they're all going to come all the intrusive thoughts like i pulled out the sandwich

at the beach you know and like all the thoughts of like well i better do this and i better call the doctor back and i better check this level on this thing and i better make sure that i didn't eat that non-organic thing or whatever your mind does or just feeling bad it's never going to have like whatever that whole like swarm of thoughts is if when you and you don't even have to stop doing that. You just have to watch yourself doing that, like step behind yourself and watch yourself doing that. And then you can, if you can just kind of relax and be like, oh, there you go again, like just kind of trying to control the situation that's out of your control. That, I think, is a great way to really try to work on this. I mean, it's funny because I had an experience over the past,

like week or so where I was just, I did like a little training on mindful eating. And one of the things that I've been working on since then is like when you, if you can notice when you have a thought of like, I want to eat a thing, whatever it is. Like there's a moment there. Before you get up and you go into the kitchen or you get on your phone and you order the thing, there's like a little moment where you can kind of be like, wait, what just happened there? Right. It's not automatic. Yeah.

Take yourself out of the automatic. It is. It kind of can be automatic. If you're like, I know there's that cookie on the counter. Like, I'm just going to get up and get the cookie on the counter and eat it. There's a moment where something happened that made you think about the cookie and like remember that the cookie was there. And if you can step behind it and be like, oh, wait, that's just my mind telling me that

like one option right now is to have a cookie. And I can watch my mind doing that thing and like hear your voice talking to you about the cookie. You can just, I find it much easier to like dismiss it of like, oh, that was just a thought. I don't really actually need to act on that thought. Right. Or even like, I guess for that, that's more like act on it. Like eat the cookie.

Right. But it's almost like harder to be like, all right, just don't think negatively about this thing that bothers you. Right. Yes. It's almost like the inaction can be harder than like not doing an action. The inaction can be harder sometimes, especially when you're talking about thoughts, right?

Because they're so like loose and... Right. So you're kind of like, what do I do now? Like I have the negative thought. Now... Well, first is probably... Now I look, now I try to distract myself with something else. Or even if you don't distract yourself,

you can almost like let your mind go, but be the observer of your mind. So instead of being like wrapped up in the thoughts and like actually like swimming in them, you can stand outside the pool and like watch the water. So you can watch your thought process around like almost like if I said to you, I want you to write a research paper on what, happens to Jordana when she sees a pregnancy announcement on social media?

Right. What happens to her? Interesting. What are the next four thoughts that come through her head? And then just almost like you're watching yourself like a subject on a movie or like if you were a cartoon in like a, you know, a thing and there were like four thought bubbles that were coming up for this character called Jordana that wants to have a baby

and like what are the four thought bubbles that come up and just like, name them? Naming them, watching them, seeing them. Not like you don't have to even say they're good or they're bad or you should or you shouldn't. You just have to like kind of notice that they're happening. And then, you know, the next step after you notice them is kind of like, okay, I'm just going to like relax

into like literally like give your body a little loosey relax. like relax your shoulders, relax your face, and then like you're watching yourself like you're a character on a movie. I like that. It's almost like running towards the demon instead of away from it. Yeah, but not with fists up.

Like I hate this demon. Just kind of like, what is this demon? Oh, wait, look, there's a zipper. I can pull this whole demon costume right off. And there's like nothing really under there. It's just a bunch of thoughts that are making me feel like that there's something I can do to change this when actually I can't.

Right. Yeah. No, that's a great tip, I think, for me and anyone else who has sort of an continuing intrusive thought about anything that they're seeking, I think, or anything that triggers them or sets them off in a certain kind of way. And I do think the benefit, if there is a benefit of having gone through this now, I'm going on, like, two and a half years is that it does feel a lot less activating than it did in month five, right, or month six. Like, it does feel, and that's almost like a little depressing, but there is a sense, but there is a sense of like, okay, like, now I, I'm used to the thought

because I've been feeling it for a while. And like, I know it'll pass. And like, I've, you know, I can do what you're kind of what you're explaining, I think, more because it's kind of like, I guess with like the passage of more time, it feels like less urgent thing to attend to. Do you know it for some reason? Yes. I wonder if that comes. Again, the depressing other part of it. Right. Well, I mean, we can call it depressing or we can call it accepting and sometimes like, sure. Potato potato. Yeah. It's good. Yeah. Sometimes accepting something feels depressing, but it's really, it can be really liberating in a lot of ways. Right. You know, like I wonder for you, it's kind of like, I've really tried to control this bull. Like I've taken the horns. I got the harness. I gave it this thing. You know, like you're really trying to have done every, like I don't, I don't know if that's part of it. Like I've done all the things I can do. There's nothing more I can do. So all I can do is,

just like sit back and watch how this is going to unfold because there's like not much more at this point. Right. I've learned through trial and error that like the bull, the bullying of it isn't really doing anything. So it's almost like a, it's a little bit of like a fuck it thing, which is like empowering in some ways. You know, it could be seen as in multiple ways, I think. But yeah, like we talked about last time, there is something about like becoming a mother and finding a partner that just feel like the ones that I'm basic human rights or something. I will not give. I'm not giving up on this.

Like I will not accept what the universe has in store for me here. Because this is something that like is a, you know, I have all the hard wiring to do this job. Yeah. You know, like I have the urges. I have the urges to mate. I have the urges to parent. I have all the things that I need. I feel prepared and ready,

and I have all this to give to this other person or this baby. And I just have, it's not showing itself. And it's interesting, I think, the, like, just to go back almost to, like, the trip and the house stuff and all that other stuff. Because it's like, in one sense, it's like the trip is so great because it's such a great distraction and there's nothing there to remind me or make me think about it. And I can feel like I'm living this great life, which I am. But then you're kind of like, you're almost analyzing your distraction. Like, is it like, is it good to be distracted or should I sit home facing this every day

until it conquered it? Or is it like, is it true happiness that I'm feeling when I'm there? And I guess that goes back to the beginning of like the duality of the feelings where like on this trip. It was an amazing time. I was like really enjoying the life I had. But then you come home and you're like, well, was I just running away from all my problems or can we sort of hold space for both? Yeah. I don't know. I really love that question because I think if you're distracting yourself with something that's actually unfolding in the moment, like that's not distraction. That's living your life. Your reality, right. That's your reality. The distraction is like the shit in your head that's like trying to pull you out of your reality of like, okay, I'm here, I'm on this airplane. I'm flying across the ocean. I'm

doing whatever I'm doing right now. I'm sitting on this beach. I'm enjoying this bite of this food. That is your reality. The fact that you think it's a distraction is like, that's the whole problem. That's actually the crux. That's an amazing, I think, analysis of it is that the thing that I think of is the distraction is actually my real life and the thing that I think about as like my real real life is actually the distraction. My curious? Yes, that's it. Go live your life.

Is that it? Yes. That's very funny. But I guess it's true. It's like you think of like, because you think your life doesn't start until you've conquered the, what is it, what is actually the distraction. Yes. Because that, whatever that's seeking thing is, that's distracting you.

Like I'm seeing. And I, and again, I almost hesitate to say it even to you, my sister. and I know like I'm not going to offend you in a way that we're going to like ruin our relationship. But I, and I'm very sensitive because it is that big issue of like, I deserve to be a mother if I want to be a mother. Like that is part of my right as a human or I deserve to have a partner. I deserve to be in love. I deserve not to be lonely. But seeking that is a distraction from what is actually currently happening, which is going on trips and, and, you know,

fixing your home if you're actually, if you're like in the process of it and you're like looking at the designs and you're doing, like whatever you're doing and this, all you listeners out there, whatever you are doing right now as you hear my voice, that is reality. Look around. Listen. Right. Listen to what my voice that sounds around you, what you see in front of you. This is your life. Everything else that pops into your head is distracting you from your, actual life. Right. Thinking about the lack is, is distracting. Yeah. And it does kind of feel like, well, this is the goal. The goal is whatever it is to get more money or to buy a new house or to send my kids to summer camp or whatever your goal is. Like, that's not really, that's just

like a distraction for the next. Those are the distractions, yeah, from what's real, what's in front of you. That's, I feel a lot better. All right. Good. Not done. Do it. Love it. I'm sure this has helped a lot of people who are listening. Let's help some actual listeners who write in. Thank you all for writing in.

I'm always amazed at like just how many interesting issues people have and that they share them with us. Yeah, you guys got some real problems. We love it. And you guys are great. Thank you for writing in. I love these voicemails. We get a lot of voicemails. and those are really fun to listen to because again, we get your tone, we get your twingement

irritation, and you guys can say your own problems in a way that I think we can't articulate by reading them ourselves. Totally. I love hearing tone of voice for sure. Yes. And for any of you listeners out there, if you are interested in getting involved in one of my groups, I always have space for you, or I will find space for you. If you're interested or just want to find out more information, you can go to Naomi bernstein.com or you can email me at Naomi Bernsteinpsych at gmail.com. So our first overshare

is a voicemail. And if you want to leave us a voicemail, you can leave us one at 646-363-6-2-9-4. But we are still accepting emails. And if you prefer the email method, I realize voicemail is. And for everyone, it's a little less anonymous. That's fair. You can email us at oversharing at betches.com. But let's play our first overshare. Hi, Drodana and Dr. Naomi, you guys are amazing. I'm going to jump right in because I ramble. I'm not sure if this would be a betrachist or just a general overshare, but essentially I have my mom hidden from my Instagram stories.

And I would say that I am a pretty average poster on stories. Like, I definitely post things. And in the past, I have hidden her. I'm an only child. She's not married. And my whole life has, I've just kind of felt like she is always very overbearing. We've actually, like, had some conversations about it. And in the past, this has come up where she's asked me, why can't I hear stories?

And I've told her it's because, and I have two children as well. so she would react to every single photo. There would be comments. She would text me about it, and it just was really overwhelming to me. And so I had hidden her from them. And granted, I still send her photos and things like that of my girl, so it's not like I'm, and we see her all the time also. So her presence in my life feels incredibly overwhelming.

And on top of that, we don't have the best relationship. It just is something that has been a lifelong, sort of issue that I've been in therapy in for almost 10 years, and it's just hard to get passed, and the social media touch points don't necessarily make things better. So sometimes I try to create that space on social media so that I can have a better relationship with her in person. But anyways, yesterday she texted me because I was out with some of my cousins posted a photo of us and then they had reposted it so she saw from their profile and so she just flat

out said why do you have me blocked on your Instagram stories and I was like well it just feels a little overbearing I know that she has notifications every time I post a story so I shared that and I said it just kind of see and I've seen her you know take screenshots of my stories and it just feels like a lot and she got very angry about it and was like if there's an issue you need to talk to me about it. And these are kind of her general reactions is a little, in my opinion, reactive and over the top, which is exactly why I feel the need to hide her. But I also feel bad about it. So if you guys could help me out, let me know if I'm being a terrible daughter or if this is an okay boundary to set. I appreciate it. Thank you. This was a very interesting one when it comes to

like social media and anyone you don't really feel like hearing their constant opinion of, but you kind of want to post for other people. Yes, it is. This is interesting. It's, you know, I've been thinking a lot lately about boundaries, specifically, I guess, with family members, but really with anybody and in psychology and like, especially in the last, I don't know, whatever, like 10 years or it's like boundaries. That's a big word in therapy. Like set your boundaries, maintain your boundaries. And I get why she's doing this, but it does sound like her mom's annoying her when she posts photos for sure. Annoying. I get it. Right. But she said to her like you need, if you have a problem, you need to talk to me, which leads me to believe that maybe

she hasn't mentioned to her how she feels about this or that she finds her behavior and her comments around this annoying. So I would for sure start with like make sure that you're telling her I don't, you know, the fact that you have notifications when I post and you're like screenshoting my posts and you're commenting privately on everything I post is overwhelming and give her a chance maybe to stop. I don't know if she's done that. yet. Right. I can see why she doesn't say that because she kind of sounds like an asshole when she says that. It's like, I don't, I block you from my stories because I don't want, I don't want you to react to the stories that I'm sharing with everyone and I don't want to have to like talk to you

about them and I don't want you to like see them and screenshot screenshot that means like she's keeping them on her phone and I don't want to like hear your comment. I don't really, it sounds like here's why it's kind of annoying, or here's why it's tough, I think, to say this because she's basically by saying that she's kind of like, I don't really like your personality.

Right. I don't like what you have to say. I don't really care what you have to say. I don't want to engage with you this much. Right. Because I find the engagements, I don't enjoy them, which is tough when it's your family.

Right. And I mean, you have a big family. Like, sometimes you feel that way about someone. You're kind of like, I like you in this, in this,

context, but I don't like you everywhere. Right. Totally. So here's the part that I've been thinking about that can relate to this, which is she doesn't, something about when her mom screenshots the thing and sends it to her and says like, oh, she's drinking a soda, whatever. I don't know what she's saying about the comments. You know, like, something about that is like making her feel away or even if it's just like,

oh, I love her dress. I have no idea what these comments are about her kids or her. She probably doesn't want to feel like she wants to interact that much. Like she just doesn't want another interaction with her mom. Yeah. So I think one way to deal with it, instead of being like, I don't like the way this feels coming back again to like,

I want the world to change so that I feel better. Like I need to make all these external things happen so that I can then feel better about my. myself is kind of like, I need to take responsibility for my own reaction to these things, especially when it's in something like this that seems benign. It's just like your mere comments and wanting to engage with me on this is annoying. And I'm not saying she has to engage with her mom about whatever's going on all day long whenever her mother wants to.

So maybe the alternative is she can receive the message. This is one option. just so you know, listener, I'm going to get to the other side. This is just one side. She can receive the message and kind of be like that tinge,

just like whatever, you get that tinge of like, ugh, this is annoying. I don't like the way this feels. I don't want to have to have this conversation. I don't want to text back. And she can just notice that thought.

And then the mind comes in, like we talked about, and the mind goes, I better just block her from my stories. That will make this stop. And then I won't feel annoyed. The other thing you could do is just notice that tinge of this is annoying. Take a breath, drop your shoulders, relax your face, and move right on along with your day and not respond.

And then the communication with the mom isn't like, I need to control your behavior and you can't see my stories. It's why didn't you respond to my attacks? Because I was busy. I didn't feel like having a conversation. I didn't. it's not even about like you're not allowed to come into my life in this way. It's like I'm not going to allow it to pull me out of my piece. You don't have to respond. And if that's the issue, right, well, then the mom's like, well, if I text you, I expect a response, then that's a different issue.

If she can receive the annoying, like overbearing thing and she can tolerate not responding or maybe later on that night at like 10 o'clock before she goes to bed she could be like give it a like yeah or give it tolerate the discomfort also of knowing that like you didn't answer the person and they are they know that you didn't answer them so which ones work is fine is it some people do that all the time yes yes i mean i'll be honest like i do that because i'm kind of of like, it doesn't bother me that you messaged me, but it also, if I'm like busy or having a busy day and someone messages me or messages me a couple of times or something, like, it doesn't bother me. It's just like, but I'm also not, I'm going to get back to you when I want to get back to you

or when I have time to get back to you unless it's an emergency. And then if that person has a problem with that, then you can address how much she's messaging you and how it's overwhelming and you can't really get back to it. So I think that's one option is just kind of like, all right, you want to comment on everything. That's great. You can comment, but I'm not really going to like get into a whole thing about it. Right.

And maybe if she explains to her mom, like, I blocked you from the stories because I don't have time to answer you and I don't want to offend you. Yeah, it makes me feel bad when I don't answer you. Like, I love you. I don't want your feelings to be hurt. But like she's hurting her feelings kind of anyway. Right. And I think what's probably especially triggering for the mom is that like she has to see what's happening in her daughter's life through the cousins, which then probably just makes her feel like on the outside of her daughter's life, which it sounds like she's not.

That sounds like a rational because it sounds like she's overbearing. She sees her a lot. She talks to her often. Like this extra communication is annoying her. And I think the solution is like you just don't have to respond. to it. Right. And tolerate not responding.

Do you see this a lot if you get like only children in your practice or a situation where, because it is, I mean, it feels like a unique struggle of being an only child of a single parent. Yes. And you're sort of their entire world. Like as annoying as our parents, my mom, whatever is. It's diffused. There's a lot of us.

So if I don't pick up, I know there's not the next person. and there's got a whole roll of decks of people. Totally. Yeah. But that's sort of like, it's a unique issue, I think, of being some, probably the duality of feeling a guilt and a pressure to perform for the only, for someone when you're sort of the crux of their life. Right.

I think that's, I think you hit the nail on the head with a lot of that. It's like, you're, she's, you're her primary attachment figure. And she's not yours. So now there's like this imbalance thing. We're like maybe if it's your partner who's, you know, commenting, oh, I saw you posted that thing about so and so, like, because that's your person, it feels kind of like, okay, this is okay, because this is my chosen person that I want to have these more concepts.

I mean, that might be annoying for people too, depending on what your needs are for closeness. But yeah, I think that would happen a lot. Well, it's that person you can pick. Yes. This person's sort of born into it. Totally. Single, like a only child of a single parent is a special responsibility that it sounds like it's a lot for her. So I, and I get it.

So the other side of it, like I said, is if this is a boundary that you're setting and you don't want the constant comments and you want to, and you were open about it, you communicated with her, you explain to her what it is. But I think it just has to come down to like, I can't be interacting as often throughout the day. And so as not to hurt her feelings, you don't have to say because you're annoying or because your comments are irritating. I think you could just say, like, I, you know, even if it's like I like I like to be in the moment of my life and not be attached to my phone or however you want to phrase it that makes it feel more like I don't want to feel responsible for interacting. with you about every thought that you have throughout the day. Right. And if she, I mean, I'm getting the sense that she might not respect that boundary, but then that's kind of on her because you've already explained your thought process around it.

Yes. And then it really comes back to, and again, this is the boundary conversation. When you have a difficult relationship with someone, is the solution like to get you away so that I don't get triggered or is the solution for me to choose how to handle it when I get triggered. Depends what they're doing. That's so triggering. So I think if it's really like dangerous or abusive or a mean or like, you know,

something that feels like cruel or like unhealthy, then I do. Of course, I think you need boundaries. But I think if it's just like, I don't know, like my sister asks me too many questions about, you know, my dating life. whatever it is. It's kind of like, all right, that's not like abusive. It's not, you know,

she's not being mean. It's for you to kind of maybe just like notice that you're getting triggered and kind of stop responding. Or like, breathe, drop your shoulders, go in another room.

Like as a solution, I'm never going to be around my sister again. I don't know that you need that type of boundary. I think sometimes when people are like super, super boundary, it's more like a sign that you're not able to tolerate whatever is being triggered inside of you, which also caveat is fine if like you are going through something or you're overwhelmed or you're depressed or you're like at a point in your life where you just literally can't, it's okay if you can't

tolerate it too. Like honor yourself, honor where you're at in your life. If you can't tolerate it, you can't tolerate it. But I don't also think you can go around your life being like, I just need to cut people. people out because like they're triggering me. No, that's a great point. And this sounds relatively benign. Again, I don't know what,

she doesn't say anything about the comments. I assume there are just a lot of comments. Because she's not, I feel like she would say if they were insulting or mean. Criticizing her parenting or I, yeah. But I totally validate feeling irritated by someone who just constantly contacts you. Yes.

And you're not interested in that. And you feel weird saying that, that to them because it is a little insulting. So all that to say, I don't think it's terrible that you're cutting her out of social media. I think it's fine. Do that. I'm not saying that's the worst thing.

But if you want to push yourself in terms of like your mental health and your strength and your resilience and your ability to like not. And again, if we come back to seeking, what is she seeking? She's seeking her mom to back the fuck off. right yes um but you can't like always control other people so if you're if you want to work on yourself and you want to challenge yourself a little bit notice the voice in your head when you get that text from your mom that just triggers you and kind of be like okay i need to do nothing i need to make a cartoon of what what happens in my mind when my mom sends me the 17th text of

the day like wash the thoughts and then do nothing and just breathe, calm your body and move along with your day versus like I need to, you know, set all these boundaries. And the more she does that, the easier it'll be come. Yeah, she'll get used to it. Like, okay, I can make a bunch of comments and you don't necessarily, you're not going to respond to all of them. And you can say at the end of the day,

it's either that or like, you can't follow me on social media. So whichever one feels less, you know, painful to you, I'll do it. Right. And again, I think it's different when it's like a friend. This is your mother. She's going to be in your life for a long time. Might as well come to a solution that feels a little better for both people. Yeah, agree.

All right. Let's do a betraceousist. Right. I will read this. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi, love the pod so much. Went back and listened to every episode and can't wait for Tuesdays for a new one to drop. Thank you. I have a scenario for you.

and I'm wondering if I'm overreacting. My best friend, let's call her Brooke, had her first baby this year. She's five months now. We're 34 and have been best friends since we were 12. For context, I'm single with no kids but would like to have a family one day.

Since my friend had her baby, we've definitely had more limited time together to be expected. We haven't really spent any time alone together since, but for the most part, we still talk often and things haven't changed too much with our friendship. We have another friend, let's call her Claire, who we've been close with for many years.

She's also married and has two kids. On top of this, Claire runs her own business out of her home, working 18-hour days on top of taking care of a seven-month-old and a four-year-old. My friendship with Claire has definitely drifted in the past few years, and I rarely see or talk to her. This isn't specific to me, as Claire doesn't make much time to see friends or do things for herself, which she's candid about.

When she does get together with her friends, she brings one or both of the kids, when nobody else is bringing theirs without asking if it's okay. It's definitely not always the vibe that people are looking for. Although I've made an effort to maintain the friendship, I feel like it was one-sided and was fine letting it drift. On top of this, the three of us are not as close anymore, but I know that Claire and my Brooke talk to each other often about their kids, which has made me feel a bit left out. This brings me to my triggered scenario. This past weekend, Brooke and I made plans to get together. This time she said she wanted a break from the baby and would love to go for lunch with me. I was excited to have

some alone time with her. However, the morning of, she texts me to say, by the way, Claire might be joining us depending on nap time. I was immediately annoyed that she didn't ask me for us. On top of that, about 15 minutes prior to us getting together, she texts me to tell me that Claire is bringing her four-year-old. I was seething. Not only did I not want to have lunch with Claire, now I need to spend it with her brady toddler. That sounds awful. And I love kids, but he isn't well-behaved, and it really wasn't the day I wanted. Compounding the situation is that I don't have kids and feel behind as a single 34-year-old

and spending time with two moms with babies naturally results in a lot of talk about babies, which I'm not always in the mood for. When Brooke picked me up, I was still so annoyed at the situation that I ended up sort of snapping on her and telling her that I would have loved to be involved in the planning. for the day and wouldn't have necessarily chosen to have lunch with them. I felt really bad after she seemed to understand and apologize for inviting Claire without checking with me. Now I'm wondering if I overreacted, am I justified in wanting a loan time with my friend or should I have to let it go because she's a new mom and wanted to squeeze

both of her friends in for the outing? Am I annoyed with Claire bringing her kids to everything because I don't have kids? Would love to hear what you think. Love a child, free, and annoyed. This is a good question. I think the listener seems pretty self-aware or at least thinking about why she's having these reactions. And I also, I validate that it's kind of annoying to go to lunch with a kid who's like taking up a lot of the energy of the room and like hard to have like an adult. A lot of, a lot of new, a lot of moms, I feel like it is hard to like have a real adult conversation, especially with a four-year-old. It's not even like he's a newborn,

just in the stroller sleeping. I mean, I have kids, and I get annoyed sometimes when people bring their kids. So, like, I get it. It's like you're not, it's a totally different vibe. It's like we're going to be focusing on the kid.

I mean, the only other alternative is the kid sits on like an iPad, which doesn't feel good either, and you guys have a conversation. So when the kid's there, it's either like, you're focusing on the kid's, the kid and like doing a coloring page and like cutting up the nuggets or you're like having him

zone out like a zombie with some headphones and you're actually having an adult conversation, neither of which feel great. Right. I've had lunch with friends and they've and I've been like, oh, bring like the baby. Like I want to see them. They're like, no. That does not. Yeah.

That does not sound appealing to me. It will not be bringing baby. Totally. So I can, even as someone who does have kids, I can relate the feeling. of not wanting to do that, let alone when there's the undertone of like, you know, like you said, self-aware that there probably is a little bit of like, you have this life. You two are both going to be now like talking about baby food and sleep training and I'm going to be sitting here, like wanting to, you know, quietly exit. So, right. I mean, how do you feel about this, like not having

kids and being around friends with kids. With kids. I think if they're like my close friends, it doesn't bother me. Do I want to go to like a distant friend's one-year-old's birthday? No, there's very few things. I think I would enjoy less than that. But I think I can, I see what she's saying about them just kind of talking about. topics that don't apply to you. But that could really, I almost, I felt that way about things that

have nothing to do with this. Or I'm sure people, like, I have a lot of friends from high school and that are friends with my friends from college. And sometimes if we're all together, well, me and my high school friends will like talk about some sort of inside funny thing that happened from high school. And then when we're talking about it for a while, or even if we're talking about a TV show that knows, somebody else doesn't watch. And that's kind of, I would say, relating to that feeling. where someone else is talking about it in front of me, I'm just kind of like, I don't really, I'm a little bored by this part of the conversation,

but also that part of the conversation usually passes and then they talk about something else. Or if it's me, I'll notice that this other person does not particularly engage with the conversation and change the topic. So I don't think, I think this could be about kids or it could be about anything

where two people of the three have something in common and the other person does it. So that, that to me doesn't feel like triggering. it's more just a natural part of a group conversation, which I think has always happened regardless of where people are in their lives. Very true. But I think because she's wanting that and she does want to have a family and want to be a mom, I think that moment of like this conversation is a little boring.

I'm just kind of not engaged right now. Turns into I'm left out. I'm the one behind. And then again, that chat, chat, chat, chat, chat, chat, chat. of the voice in your head jumps in and takes it a moment that's just simply like a boring moment and turns it into like an existential crisis. Yeah. No, I agree.

And I validate that this is something she was looking forward to also of connecting with her friend who she hasn't been able to see much. She was like looking to savor that moment. And then the whole plan got a little bit hijacked without her consent for another, to add in also another friend that she's not particularly close with that she does. I feel like it might be different if she was super close to the person with the four-year-olds and they could have intimate friendship conversations at that meal. But I think even just her presence, even if she didn't bring the kid, might be like, this isn't really feel like the bonding experience I was looking to get out of this relationship.

But I also understand from her perspective of like kind of having the duality of being like, I don't want to be pitied for not for being a single friend with no kids. So I don't want people to be like changing what they would talk about around me, even if I do kind of find the topics annoying. Yes. Or I don't actually want to hear the topics. I also don't want to be people to be walking on eggshells around me. Yes.

It's a little bit of a dual feeling I could see. Totally. And she's questioning herself. So I think that she recognizes that. Yes. But like you said, even that, like if you're sitting in a group of, three people and two people are watching a show. After like five minutes of talking about the show, you'll realize that the other person doesn't watch that show and you might be considerate and

like change the conversation. And that's not like out of pity. That's just out of like consideration. But again, the thought comes like changing the topic starts to turn into again like, oh, they feel bad for me so they're changing the topic versus maybe it's just like they realize I'm not engaged so they're changing the topic. and that voice in your head jumps in and like makes it into like, oh, don't pity me for my life. Like when it's just kind of like, oh, okay, you don't look engaged. Let's change it. I mean, I wonder for you, because you have a lot of friends that have kids if they are mindful of not.

Because it is so easy when that is a lot of your life to get to fall into the whole like the baby this and what do you do about that? and like commiserating on these things. Like, do you feel like your friends are mindful, like not spending too long, like deep diving into baby stuff? I think so. Yeah. And in my mind, and maybe this is just my flattering point of view.

In my mind, I think that they're also like, they find that conversation boring. Right. When it's gone too long. I think they're kind of like, especially if they didn't bring their kid, I think they're kind of like, I want to talk about something else.

something else because I'm surrounded by it's almost like when someone asks you about work when you get home from work and you're like I just did this all day. Let's talk about some stupid TV shows. Yes. Yes. And they're probably having those conversations with like whatever, the babysitter or with the other moms that pick up for daycare or whatever the thing is that they don't like then need to have it again when they're like out to an adult only brunch. So yeah. Yeah. And I think she's totally valid in saying, telling her friend that she was annoyed that she invited her without telling her. It sounds like the friend responded normally. If someone said that to me, I think I would say if I, I can understand why her friend invited her. She was probably talking to her and she thought the more the merrier didn't think of it as things. She didn't think of your perspective. You told her your perspective as long as you weren't screaming at her. I think that's a totally valid thing to do to say next time, just let me know before you. invite someone else. Totally.

Just make sure we're on the same page. Especially if time is scarce. Like if you're not, I can see if you're getting together like every single weekend and then one weekend someone wants to invite someone else.

It's kind of like, all right, get over it. It's like one weekend. I'm inviting this person. But if you don't get to see each other often, it's your only chance, and now it feels like it's being sabotaged.

I can see why that's a lot more irritating. Yeah. So the betchesist's rule, you were valid. Yes. being annoyed and also recognizing all the moving parts of the scenario. And again, I think it's like, this is sort of like the theme of the episode where she, maybe she doesn't have one, it could be all of these things that are bothering her about the scenario. Like we feel the need to say, to give it one

reason or to give, it's because I'm upset about being single and not a mom. Or it's because I'm upset about my not having alone time with my friend. Or it's because my friend's kid. is very bright. It could be like, usually things are more nuanced. Yeah, totally. Maybe her kid is really annoying. I don't know. Yeah, she sounds. And, you know, kids get like that, like, I'm pretty self-aware, you know, like, you got to read the room, too. Like, I think there is some ownership and, like, when you bring a kid and they're, like, sucking all the energy out of the room of kind of, like, I need to know my kid and I need to be aware of like, they're going to ruin the time for everyone.

All right. Let's do some intentions. All right. Let's do it. I'll read them. This is a long one. Okay. Hey, J&N.

I love the show and I was hoping you could offer some advice and possibly an intention to help me deal with my kind but incredibly talkative mother-in-law. I've been married to my husband for about a year and we live in the same city as his parents. So we see them pretty regularly. My mother-in-law is very nice, but she talks so much. and I find myself getting anxious whenever I know I'm going to have to interact with her. She seems to talk nonstop,

repeats herself frequently, and just completely bulldozes conversations in a way that I find incredibly grating. For example, we were recently at breakfast, and this is a snippet of the conversation. I actually was recording on my phone for something else, so I was able to transcribe the conversation exactly. Father-in-law,

do you want some sparkling water? The waitress was walking around with some earlier. Me. I think I'm going to stick with still today. Thank you, though. Mother-in-law. Do you want some sparkling water? They have some here. The waitress just came by with it. It's actually pretty good. It's cold and seems fresh. Usually I like mine with cucumbers, but this is good. We can get you some. The waitress just came by, so it won't be a problem.

This one here is pretty good, too. I can tell it's fresh because of the bubbles. Sometimes if the bottle has been open too long, the carbonation just isn't as strong, but this one is really bubbly. It's nice to have a bit of fizz. If you want some, just let me know. It isn't a problem. You can always call the waitress over. She's really attentive. I noticed she's been very prompt with our orders. It's always nice to have good service. The place has a really extensive drink menu, by the way. They have all sorts of things, not just sparkling water. There are wines, cocktails, coffees, you name it. I was actually tempted to try one of their specialty cocktails, but I decided to stick with sparkling water for now. If you want to see the menu, I can get it for you. They have some interesting options. It's quite impressive. So if you're sure about the still water, that's fine. But really, it wouldn't be any trouble for you to get a sparkling water if you'd like me interrupting. I'm actually okay. Thank you, though. Mother-in-law. Should I keep going? I don't even know. Keep going. It gives you the feeling of what it's like to be on the other side of this. I guess she's fully transcribed it, so I shouldn't keep going. All right. Mother-in-law,

oh, no, it won't be a problem. We can grab the waitress. She was just walking by, and the sparkling is pretty good, actually. I can tell it's a new bottle because of the carbonation. I can always tell if this is new. And this is actually pretty good. I don't know if they have other flavors, but this standard one seems to be lime, which is actually pretty good. I don't know if they have other flavors, but we can ask. It isn't a problem. They also have other things to drink, like wine, cocktails, coffee. They have this whole menu if you want to look at it.

I just got the sparkling water, which is pretty good. We can grab the waitress and get some. It isn't a prop. Me interrupting again. I'm actually good to stick with tap water today. Mother-in-law. Oh, it won't be a problem at all. We can easily get the waitress.

She was just walking by and the sparkling water is really good. I can tell it's a new bottle because. of the carbonation. It's always easy to tell when it's fresh. The bubbles are so strong. This one is quite good. I don't think they have flavored sparkling water here, but the plain one is pretty good. You can get some. I can grab the waitress. We can ask the waitress if they have any special flavor. She's pretty good. They also have a lot of other drinks. The wine list looked good. I was looking at the coffee earlier and it looks good. Pretty good, you know. This water is good. Really fizzy, which I really like. Pretty. Actually, I can always tell if it's a new bottle

because of the bubble is so refreshing. If you change your mind, it wouldn't be any trouble at all to get some for you. It's really quite good. Should I ask the waitress to bring you some? It won't be a problem. I will grab her when she comes by. She is pretty good, actually. I am dying.

This is a lot. I am dying at this. It almost seems like she has like a social disorder. Social or like Alzheimer's like a memory. Like she keeps saying the same thing over and over. I wish this was a voicemail. Although it would you get the vibe, even without it being a voicemail.

this is crazy. I'm surprised no one else is saying anything. She says all of our conversation seems to follow the same pattern. She talks and talks without actually listening to what I or anyone else is saying, while she isn't rude, the constant repetition and volume of words really wear me down. Additionally, when I'm part of a group conversation, she often starts talking to no one in particular about whatever is on her mind. And I feel bad just ignoring her, but I also don't want to stop listening to the person I'm already conversing with. Recently, we were at a dinner with eight people and I estimate she spoke about seven. percent of the time. She frequently talks over others, interrupts, or changes the conversation completely to repeat what she just said two minutes ago. Do you have any advice for dealing with someone like this? I find myself dreading being around her, which seems terrible because I really do think she means well. I mean, if this is a word for word transcription. I get it. I think it is. I think it is. And I'm so, although it was a lot, I think it wouldn't have packed the same punch if we didn't get to hear the whole thing because it really gives you. Like even in hearing you read it and not being in the room with somebody where I'm like, you just said that. Right. How was no one else

saying that to her? Like I feel like I can understand why she wouldn't say that to her. But if it was my mom, I think I would say, or if it was my wife, I would say, you know, you just said that. I really want to know what the husband, she said, this is the mother-in-law. I really want to know what the husband has to say. Is this something that's always been like this with his mom forever? I mean, it sounds to me like this is someone with severe, like social anxiety. Like you said, I don't think it's like Alzheimer's thing because she wouldn't be able to speak that fast and that quickly with like, complete sentences if it was severe.

But like, I think that this is just like a lot of. anxious energy, which I'm assuming is coming from being in a social setting for some reason. Yeah. And she says she means well and like, I've nothing she's saying is offensive. Right. No, this sounds pathological. Like, this is not normal if this is really an exact transcription. This is, there's something wrong here. So maybe that can make you feel a little bit better about like a little bit more empathy, which I think. think she has empathy. The other silver lining here is that she doesn't seem to listen or care what anyone else is saying. So it's a good thing. It's a good thing because then if she just doesn't answer or ignores her, she probably won't even notice or care because she's so in her

head about like whatever she'll just keep going she'll just keep going i don't think she's even i don't think she's speaking to get a response if it is like a social anxiety which it sounds like like some people have social anxiety and they're like kind of mute like they don't speak because they're scared to say anything right weird and this is like an anxious energy that's just coming out like in word vomit um yeah so i i think if it makes her feel better to to kind of be like, I don't think it matters to this mother-in-law, whether she answers or doesn't answer because she already said, no, thank you, I'm having still water. And it was like as if she didn't say anything anyway. Right. Like she didn't even care. She wasn't even listening. So I think if she's not,

she's so in her head about whatever it is that she's anxious about that I don't think it matters what you do or don't do. So I think if you don't answer her or if you continue your conversation, she's probably so used to the sound of her own voice. And I'm sure you're not the only one. If this is true, you're not the only one that feels this way. And you're not the only one that ignores her after a certain point. I mean, what is her, what does your husband say? Like, that's, it's her, it's his mother. I really want to know. And I wonder if she's like this, like, at home, like, if they went to Or if it's when they're out. Yeah, like if it's more of like a social anxiety, like going out to eat thing, or if she's like this, like, in, you know, in her kitchen when she's cooking dinner, maybe just being around you, the daughter-in-law is making her anxious for some reason.

That's why I want. Maybe she's trying to impress me. Yeah. Yeah, they've only been married a year. Maybe she feels like she wants her to make sure she's happy or she's insecure for some reason about. something that she's, there's definitely some anxiety. I'm curious if it's all the time or if it's only in certain situations. But.

Does sound exhausting. I'll give her that. I couldn't wait for you to stop reading that. I mean, I wanted you to keep going so the listeners could get to the effect to the effect, but it was like, brutal. That's a lot. Yeah. So what intention should she tell herself when she's feeling? because I don't think she's going to stop this from happening.

Right. It doesn't sound like. So, I mean, it's very specific to this situation. A lot of times the intentions are like kind of general things that you can use. But I just wrote, if you can remember this, her repetitive talking is releasing anxious energy. My responses are irrelevant. Like, I don't think it matters if you answer her or you don't or you keep talking to your friend. if she's interrupting you and you just pretend you don't hear her,

or if you turn around and say, I'd prefer still water today. Whatever you say, I don't think it really matters. She's just like releasing this energy, and I don't think she's really looking for a response. Right. And that'll probably help her feel a sense of like just calm around it. It's just...

This is just what's happening. It's just an unclouded... sound. Yes, exactly. That was my other intention. It's just an unpleasant sound. Just don't say it out loud. Your voice is just an unpleasant sound. My responses are irrelevant. Now, this is for you and your private thoughts. And I just, I want her to release responsibility for like listening and engaging, especially when it's It's repetitive like this. So I give you permission. If she's doing this thing where she's like repeating the same thing two and three times, like that's your cue of like she's just expelling anxious energy.

And like it doesn't really matter what I do at this point. Can she just disengage? Yeah, I think she should just be like, excuse me, I'm going to go to the bathroom. Just get up and go to the bathroom and have a moment of silence if you need it and then come back. Right. Say your intention in the bathroom. Yes. I think you can take a little break.

from this. I think you can, and I think you can assert yourself and be like, excuse me, one minute, I was just listening to what so-and-so was saying. Like, I think that's reasonable. Yeah. If she's interrupting you. Right. And a nice normal tone. Yeah, in a nice tone, you can just say, you know, excuse me, sorry to interrupt, I have to go to the bathroom or, you know, I apologize, but I was already listening to so-and-so, she was telling me a story. Yeah. She might need to hear that. I think she just needs something to, like, stop the freight train, perhaps. It might even be good for her. Yeah.

Sounds like she has, this is like, like I agree with you. It comes from some sort of issue or anxiety or something because most, that's a lot. Yeah. And I can see why she feels bad because it does sound like she's trying to please her. Like we pick this. Maybe they pick the restaurant. They have coffee. They have tea.

They have this and have this. It's like, you know, there's something. She's trying to impress you or please you or make you happy. Maybe she's, you know, I don't know. Just trying to like secure the relationship or make, you know, whatever it is. Well, then if she, if that's the case, though, then if she says, excuse me, I was actually just hearing the rest of this other person's story, wouldn't that maybe make it worse because she'd feel rejected by her or something? I mean, I could be wrong. My hunch is no, because I think this is her, this daughter-in-law cannot be the only person that she interacts with that is doing this.

Like, this is a thing for her that she probably gets interrupted all the time. She probably has people tuning her out all the time. She's probably very used to being tuned out and having people say, excuse me, I was already, you know, just interjecting here unless this is solely a behavior. that she's exhibiting with this daughter-in-law, which seems unlikely. It seems unlikely, yeah. So I don't think she's going to be hugely offended because I don't think this is something that, like, is just personal to you and her. But I don't even think you need to interrupt her.

I think you could also just ignore the sound of her voice if you're already engaged in a conversation with somebody else. I think it's reasonable. It's just a loud noise. You need to tune out. All right. Let's do some triggers. All right.

Hello, Jordana and Dr. Naomi. I have a fairly silly triggered. When my best friend was eight months pregnant with her son, she texted me. He's sitting very low. Now I just need him to hold on so he'll be in Aquarius. As my friend well knows, I am a Capricorn, the sign before Aquarius. In fact, my sun, moon, and several planets are all in Capricorn. I don't really believe in astrology, but she kind of does, and we have laughed over how much

Capricorn is in my chart. Where most people's charts are all over the place, mine is like one big arrow pointed at Capricorn. I pointed this out to her, quote, ahem, that feels a little like a jab at caps. And she responded, ha ha, ha. Caps. I guess that's slang for Capricorns.

Ha, ha, ha, no, it's just me wanting a weird little Aquarius. Now, if I'm putting myself in her shoes, I see how you could connect early in pregnancy. with the idea of your child being a specific sign, especially when there are so few things you can know about his future personality. But on the other, it feels like on some level, she was saying she didn't want her kid to be like me. I just feel like she could have texted that to literally any non-cap in her life.

I have lots of non-caps in my life. Part of me sees how silly this is, and yet her baby is now seven months old, and I still think about it from time to time, and I'm always a little offended. How triggered should I be? What are your thoughts on astrology? Does it matter?

I don't even know. I know very little. I know almost nothing about astrology. I don't know the signs of the people closest in my life. I'm not, I don't know about it. I'm not saying it's the thing. It's not a thing.

I guess I've always felt like, does that mean that everybody that's born on like November 6th has the exact same personality? Like, that's the part that I find hard to believe. Right. It doesn't make sense or has like similar traits or anyone born in the same month has similar traits. I don't really. I think it's like fun to look at on occasion, but I don't actually hold any stock in it.

But I guess that's all kind of besides the point here of the offense in question. Right. And I kind of do, I do believe the friend, she's like, it's not about not wanting the other signs. It's about her attachment to a specific sign. So it wasn't, she didn't want the sign after or the sign on a completely different part of the year. She just wanted the sign that she wanted. I don't think it was against you. But is it offensive to say I want something to someone that's, is it, would it be offensive if someone texted you?

I just hope he comes out blonde. Right. Like I just really hope he comes out blonde and we're brunette. Right. Yeah, that's a good analogy. Would that be offensive to text to a to a brunette? Yeah, I mean, maybe you'd get a little moment of like, but like, okay, whatever. Right. I think it would be different if you texted a redhead. I just hope he doesn't have red hair. Yes. Right? Like, I hope he does, if she said, I hope he's not a Capricorn.

Yes. I think that would be offensive. Yeah, there's something about Aquarius that she likes. I agree with you. I don't think it was an anti-Capricorn. I think it was a pro-Aquarius. The fact that we've been talking about this feels like slightly. It might be dumber. Ridiculous. But that being said, I'm glad you wrote in. It's a funny little dilemma. I give it like a two. I would agree. Again, if she said,

I just hope he's not a capricorn. To you, a capricorn, I think that would be offensive. She didn't say that. Yeah, I agree. She just probably liked something about that sign. And just because you say, I hope my.

baby has, you know, blue eyes, you know, like I don't take that offensive if I have brown eyes. It's kind of like, all right, that's what you kind of, you like blue eyes. Doesn't mean you hate brown eyes. Right. I mean, if you said, I hope he doesn't have brown eyes. I think that would be a little like, all right, no, you're on. Say that to some, say that to another blue eyed person. Totally.

Yeah. I, uh, I get, again, I get the tinge. There's like that tinge. and then you have to kind of just be like anything else that goes into this about, obviously she's your friend, you guys still hang out, I'm sure she likes you, if she really hated Capricorns that much, she probably wouldn't be friends with you. Right. Yeah.

Yeah, this is a funny one. I'd let it go. I would definitely try to let it go. And maybe, I mean, if we're talking triggered, right, it sounds like there was some kind of nerve touched here. So maybe if we're going to get deep on something that seems kind of surface level, is there something about your, I don't know, someone tell us, what are Capricorns like? I don't know. Capricorn personality that is really annoying. We could Google it. What are the, what are the themes of Capricorn? But maybe there are certain things about yourself that you're more

that's making this a sensitivity more so than just like Capricorn for the sake of Capricorn. Right. Maybe you are really annoying. We'll find out. We'll Google it after. I probably am going to Google like what the personality traits are of Capricorns because I'm curious. Like what she's... I know Scorpio's get a lot, get a bad rap. Yeah, well, that's like a... They're supposed to be crazy, I think. Or vicious? I mean, like a scorpion. Yeah. Is that what you are? I think that's... No, I'm a Virgo.

Oh. Who are supposed to be very neat and organized and I am literally the opposite. So like, yeah, it's kind of... I don't buy it. I don't really buy it either. Sorry for those of you that are into it. I like the concept of like the universe and like, you know, having, feeling like there's some sense of control. Don't come for us.

Yeah. We don't believe in it. Although I do have crystals, so. I believe in crystals more than that. There's like some kind of energy in a crystal. Energy. Yeah. Yeah, I believe in energy.

I don't believe in like the birth chart, really. All right, let's do one more. Hi, Duran and Dr. Naomi, absolutely love the podcast, and I look forward to it every week. Your advice had helped me navigate some challenging situations in my life, and I'm grateful for your guidance. I have a triggered scenario for you. My fiance and I got engaged two years ago,

and at first I was all about a big traditional wedding. I talked about it a lot with my five university friends who I've been friends with for over a decade. However, one year later, due to personal reasons, including financial constraints and new family developments, we decided on a much smaller intimate wedding with just 30 of our closest loved ones. This meant we couldn't invite my university friends and their spouses, since doing so would push us over our limit and force us to go for a bigger venue package,

requiring us to invite family members we'd rather omit. When we decided to downsize, I set up a video call with my university friends to explain. I mostly touched on the financial reasons and told them how much it would mean to me if they could still make it to the bachelor's party. They seemed to understand and were supportive at the time, but things changed. Months later, February of this year, I learned that three of them had decided not to attend the Bachelorette party, giving excuses that didn't really add up, saying they couldn't afford it despite attending other bachelorets this year or claiming it was too far away despite it

being just a couple hours' drive. My maid of honor had to work really hard to get them to agree to come, which took weeks of convincing. I can't help be triggered by this entire situation. We've been friends for over a decade, and I thought I made it clear that my choice for a small wedding wasn't meant to personally exclude them. I just wanted them to be part of the celebration in some way. I should add that I only found out about their reactions through a mutual friend and that none of them, including my maid of honor, know that I know. I'll also mention that one of them did set up my fiance and me, but didn't really help or support the relationship beyond that initial introduction. So how triggered can I be? I understand that they're upset that I had changed my mind,

but does that make it okay for them to decide not to support me at all? I haven't told them about my family situation, but should I even have to? My Bachelorette trip is coming up soon, and I can't stop thinking about it. Thanks so much, a bachelorette burdened batch. Yeah, this doesn't feel good that, like, you're having a bacheloret and a lot of the people that are coming seem like they had to be talked into going. To me, I kind of got it. I totally get why someone would be like, all right, they're not inviting me to the wedding. And because I have other bachelorets where I am invited to the wedding and I don't have endless amounts of money, I'd probably rather spend it on the person who's I'm actually going

to watch them get married. Yeah. So I could see why the friends would be like, even if they're not offended, I can still it's still sort of a statement of you're not invited to the wedding. Other people are. and you could still get it and also be like, but now the Bachelorette isn't really a huge financial priority for me. Yeah.

I really do see both sides of this. I feel bad for the bride because I just feel like, because financially she couldn't afford to have a big wedding, now it's like nobody really wants to be involved at all. So I feel bad for her on that. But I totally get it where it's kind of like, well, you sort of offended me by, not inviting me to your wedding, so I don't feel that bad offending you by not going to

your bachelor's party. Right. I just think if I was invited, if I had three bachelorets that I was thinking of going to and two of them, I was invited to the wedding, I think I would be more likely if, and I didn't have an unlimited budget. I think that would be the wedding I would cut. Wouldn't, yeah. And there's also like a group think thing going on here too, where I think kind of because they were all cut, and it's not just one person deciding like, I'm not. going to go. It feels more like, all right, like strength and numbers. Like none of us really want to go. I'm sure there's been a lot of talk about all of this, not to, you know, make your head spin, but like behind your back about do we really need to go to the Bachelorette if we haven't,

if we're not even invited to the wedding. Yeah. And I could see why you would say like, do I need to spend $2,000 on a bachelorette of someone who didn't think we're close enough to invite me to the wedding? And I get that it's a financial thing. and they only had a certain number of people. But like, I could see where I'm like, I don't want to spend this money on someone who didn't think I was close enough to have me there. I don't know. I really do get it.

But it almost, and I get her perspective of like, people like to believe that, like, you want to come to my bachelor's at. Like, that's fun for you. It's like a big girls trip of, like, all of my college friends. and there is maybe like a little bit of delusion of because when you are invited to the wedding, everyone just like does a great job of pretending that they're so excited for every single wedding event. Like playing into this big like delusion that like everybody's so excited about every one of your

wedding events when given the chance to get out of one, it sounds like they took the chance. They took that opportunity. Right. And she sort of, I could see why they would think. she sort of allowed them to take that opportunity by not inviting them. And I don't think that means they're offended by it, but I think that it's something you can't pretend that we'll have absolutely nothing to do with the way they see all the other events. It would for me personally.

Yes. No, and I definitely can see it. But I feel bad because it's like your 10 closest like college friends and then with their spouses or their partners or their plus ones or whatever it is. Now you're talking 20. It's five, right? Oh, it was 10 with the partners or with the plus ones. So you could not get, you could give them no plus ones. I think inviting five extra people to your wedding, like, I don't know. That's got to be doable.

And I could see them thinking like, that's got to be doable for you to invite five extra people. Or even 10 extra people. I was thinking for a second, I wasn't listening closely, I guess. I was thinking for a second. It was 10 friends each with a plus one. That's 20 people. That's way different than like five. Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

I think cut all five people. And again, I would have understood the no plus one thing. I think that might have made sense, but they were truly having a super small wedding. But yeah, I could see myself doing the same thing in their shoes, not being super offended, but also not being like a little like I'm this, it's not like a wedding. I'm super heavily trying to spend thousands of dollars on.

I'm not invited. If I didn't make the cut. Yeah. No, this is, I, I definitely can see that perspective of like, if you couldn't find a way to get us on the guest list, then like, I feel comfortable not finding a way to get to your bachelor's party. Right. It's like I'm invited to the part where I have to pay, fund and pay and give time and drive four hours round trip to get there. like yeah all right so i think i'm i feel more like torn for both of them i think you're pretty much like if this is me i'm doing the same thing so you score that which i really i get it i get being

i mean if i if i could afford to go and i had the time i would i would go but i could see well she's she's seeing them as having other bachelorets is like more insulting because she's like they managed to go to these bachelorets not mine to me i think it's less insult because they're like, I got invited to all these bachelorets, and there was only one where I wasn't invited to the wedding. Yeah. And look, this will play out. If this is like, if this is friendship ending, like, then something was off anyway.

I don't think this should be friendship ending. I mean, I actually, if I like your idea, kind of, if there really is only five people, just invite them. Figure out a way to get them out. I mean, it's probably too late for all that now, but I can't imagine that you can't find a way to invite five people if it means like all this. And if you can't or if you can't and I just think

if they're not, if they're, because when you get married, there's certain people that you can't imagine getting married without them there, right? And if you can imagine getting married without them there, which is kind of what you did, I do think they're entitled to imagine a situation that they're not going on your bachelor's rep partner. Yeah. Yep. All right. So what do you give it?

Sorry. I still think it's a little triggering because, but I, and here's the other thing, something can be, something can feel really bad without it being someone else's fault. Yes. So I think finding out that they all five didn't want to go, I do think. is like a four on the triggered scale, given the circumstances, but I still don't think they've done anything wrong.

Right. All right. Fair enough. I'd rate it like a little bit higher. I'd give it a five, I think, just because there was like a lot of clearly talk behind her back about it.

And now she has this Bachelorette weekend coming up. I think you kind of have to address this, really, in some way. Yeah, I would call them individually. Also the group, I don't know, the group, I don't like passing any sort of news good or bad in a group setting. I feel like it's not very intimate.

Yes, I totally agree. I do think that this is worth kind of more detailed explanation on like how you feel and how and hearing out how they feel. Like I think they may need to be able to say how they feel about this and you're going to need to be able to tolerate hearing that as well. Yeah. Because I can't imagine going on a whole weekend and not addressing it. And I have a feeling as a psychologist, if my hunch is right, there's going to be like little brewings of this resentment coming up in terms of someone being like, oh, this restaurant sucks. Or like, I don't want to go to the thing.

I didn't even want to be here. Like just complaining or like little bad vibe things that are going to be someone's like way of releasing that resentment and that kind of negative energy. So I wouldn't want that to happen. I would take a Saturday and call them and see if you can just hear them out. And that might even just listening to them say how they felt about it if they're open might diffuse the tension, even if you do nothing differently. I agree.

Give it a shot. Let us know. I love wedding drama. Yes, and send all the updates if you guys can. All right, that's our time. Great work today. Oversharing is produced by Rebecca Steinberg. Editing by Will Maxwell.

Guest booking by Ali Friedlander. Be sure to follow us on Instagram and everything's fine. And send your advice emails to oversharing at betches.com or leave us a voicemail at 646363-6294. Betches.