Oversharing - Am I Obligated To Buy A Gift For A Destination Wedding?

Episode Date: October 21, 2025

Jordana shares some recent incidents with her dog Ronnie that have challenged her patience and Dr. Naomi sheds a little light on how these moments can be a great opportunity for mindfulness and meditation. The Overshare, sponsored by Season 2 of Nobody Wants This on Netflix, comes from a woman whose feeling like her partner's lack of thoughtfulness with their new puppy is a sign of bigger problems to come. A listener who is out a couple grand for a destination wedding needs a Betchecist on whether she can opt out of the gift and put on bow on her “presence” instead. After a disappointing response to a salary raise has a listener feeling devalued and regretful that she didn’t defend her track record, she seeks an intention to help her rebound. Feeling triggered that she is not in consideration for god parent for child number two, Betch wonders if she is overreacting while another listener is shocked that her friends who hosted a casual evening at their house requested money for the pizza they provided. Subscribe to Oversharing on Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/@OversharingPod   Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

A quick note before we get into the episode, Oversharing is a podcast for entertainment purposes only. It is not a medical podcast and does not constitute medical or psychological advice. Always seek the advice of your physician or mental health professional. Hello and welcome back to Oversharing. I'm Jordana Abraham. And I am Dr. Naomi Bernstein. How's it going?

For those of you watching on YouTube, I apologize. My hair is a little crazy. It is a little frazzled. Can we see the back? Let's see. You know, the carotin is officially out. What happened to the weekly blowouts? I didn't think it was worth it this week because there is a big nor'easter in New York.

Oh, right. So it's been like very intensely raining here today and yesterday, like strong winds. And normally I would just stay inside, but which is what I was going to talk to you about today, brings me to my discussion is that I had the dog, you know, I had the dog who doesn't, unfortunately, I can't believe they haven't, I guess they do have indoor. You can technically let your dog go inside with like pads or something, but that's not really a good precedent to set. So I've got Ronnie who, unfortunately, timing, timing wise, is having a severe case of, For some reason, only nighttime diarrhea for the past like four nights.

Oh, no. Only nighttime. Only nighttime. I don't really understand how that's possible, why that is during the day. He's like, fine. It's only at night. And I have to say that I guess these entered like that teenager phase, they say, which starts around like six months and lasts according to the internet at like a year

and a half. He's been a lot. He's been. And he's a little, and he's had some, like, health issues. Like, he's had, he had an ear infection. And then he had, like, a kind of like a staff infection or something, like on his skin, which apparently is, like, not as scary as it sounds for humans. But, like, he's just like, like, so he needed, like, medicated baths and the nightly

ear drops. And now he has, and then that was finally cleared up. And I was like, all right, like, we got this. Like, everything seems to be going well. well. And then the nighttime diarrhea started. So he's been, and he's in that teenager phase. So he's like a very bitey and he's like not fully listening. And like, so there's this storm out. And he, you know, obviously like we get up in the middle of the night to let him out. But then after he goes, he's really into digging. Right. And it's torrential downpour. Oh, gosh. And it's torrential downpour.

Oh, gosh. And so he's getting like, you know, so now you've got to take him on like a leash. So then, you know, my hair. Right. I'm outside with my hair. It's like not. You got to take him on a leash so he doesn't go and dig. So he's not like 4 a.m. extremely muddy.

Oh my gosh. So it's been a run for my money. I will say it's funny because last night it was like 4 a.m. I had just gotten. But he went in, you know, if I can, he's kind of like, it's annoying because he's so loud during the day when he wants to go out at night. He's just like quietly like, oh, they're sleeping. I'll just like. take a shit behind the couch.

They didn't see it. And then you like awaken to a smell at like 4 a.m. And I'm like, okay. And so then I'm kind of like, I wish you just barked and then we could just have gotten this over with. But now it's like a 15 minute cleanup process. Oh, gosh. And then I got, I'm making dog ownership sound very fun.

No, scare people because it's real. It's a lot. Yeah. It's a lot. It's a lot. I mean, it was going really well for a while. And I was like, this is like, I feel like, you know, just when you think, I'm sure it's probably like little like kids where you're like, I feel like I've got this thing going. And then there's like actually no. Right. Well, I wonder if you maybe lightened up a little bit. Like, you know, in the beginning, it's like, oh, he's just a puppy. And he, I don't want him to get a morsel of a thing. And we're going to watch him like a hawk. And now maybe you're kind of like not watching him as much. So he's eating something he shouldn't.

It's possible, yeah. Or just these little things where you kind of take your eye off the prize and you're like, all right, we're in a routine. You got you, you're kind of self-sufficient. I can focus back on other things. And now you're waking up to the stench of diarrhea in the middle. I've definitely, I mean, I remember with Ralphie that like I'd wake up and like, something.

What's going? Right. Something is in. Am I hallucinating or like it literally can like wake you out of his sleep? Yeah, it's strong. But then I had gotten back in bed and in Sforium and I'm thinking like, you know, I was thinking back to this podcast and I was thinking like, let me not like catastrophize it.

Let me not overanalyze it. Let me just like ride the wave of what must be temporary, I assume. Yes, it is. And this is a phase of his, you know, puppy. and he will, you know, it will, just like the previous phase, which I liked and thought would last forever, changed. This one will change too. And I was literally just like, let me just breathe through this instead of like catastrophizing or playing this out or like thinking about how miserable I am because I, you know, I've been doing this now for like four nights. And it's starting to.

Yeah, that's a long, that is a long time. I'll tell you that. Like, that's. I mean, thankfully, it's been on a weekend. so I can take some naps during the day. And it's not like, you know, the worst thing that's ever happened. But it's been, it definitely cumulatively like gets to you. I'm glad that you did that.

I do think there is this tendency of the mind when you're uncomfortable, like if you're tired or you're cleaning up, you know, unpleasant fluids or what there's this tendency of the mind to go to this place of like, what do I need to choose? change about this to make sure that this never happens again. Right. And that's when it gets sticky. And that's when you start to like future trip on like, well, what if? And then like how long can I do this for?

And maybe this was a bad decision or maybe I shouldn't have, you know, maybe I need to get a dog run that's inside the house. Like you just like start going crazy in your mind with like how to fix it. But what you did was great. is like, this is a moment. It will pass. And next week, when we talk again, the diarrhea will be gone, I'm sure. Hopefully. Yeah.

But like we almost sometimes don't stop to be like, wow, this is great. Like there's no more diarrhea. You just kind of like accept that you're back to normal and move on with your life and find the next problem that's different than the diarrhea problem. So it is nice sometimes to not only realize, okay. this is a phase, but then when the phase passes to kind of be like, oh, right, that was a thing for a while. Now I don't have to deal with that. Now I don't have to deal with that. Like, I feel like I have that with parenting a lot where something in the moment about the kids like seems like just

never ending. And then you're like, is there something wrong with my parenting? Is there something wrong with my child? Like why, especially like if my kids had like behavior problems in public, I remember that was like a phase where Brooks would just like behave really poorly, like when we tried to take him out to dinner or do something in public. And it just made the whole thing torturous. And I'm like, oh, my gosh, maybe there's, you know, he's like oppositional defiant and what's wrong. And now he's great. But I don't really stop to be like, oh, right, that was a big deal for a long time. And now he's fine.

I'm just like, okay, great. He's fine. What's the next thing? Right. Yeah. And I think the gratitude. element of it or like even in the midst of those even like while you're going through him kind of freaking out at the dinner table which is hard to do or like last night while I'm cleaning it up

hard to do is like what are the things that are going well right while you're doing the thing it's not you know because I do think that how conditioning's working or the heating isn't broken or like yeah you know my back doesn't hurt or you know whatever just these little things we're like I could be bending over, cleaning this up, and my back could hurt. Right. Or, you know. Yeah. And there's a leak because it's raining or and I could be outside or whatever, you know, like it could or anything else that just like happens to be going well that day. So that was my little perspective shift. I like it. I know, and you mentioned last week something about like when you try to meditate that you don't feel almost like the immediate gratification.

Yeah, like there's something that, yeah, like you're like, what's the point of this? I don't feel anything or like it doesn't feel maybe like it's worth it or whatever. And like those are those moments when you're like, I, part of why you meditate is so that you can notice your own mindset, like as it's happening. Like a lot of people with meditation, they get kind of frustrated or annoyed with it because they think that something more is supposed to be happening than just, I'm aware of my mind in this moment. Like if you can't make your mind be completely quiet, it feels like it's not working or it's frustrating. Like even what you just did, which is like, I'm aware that my mind

is being tempted to go in this direction. And I have this power to kind of change my mindset and bring it back. Like that's the stuff. So, yeah, that was kind of, even though maybe you weren't intentionally, like, meditating, you were kind of meditating. You were noticing what you were thinking and you were taking control over that process rather than just letting it go on autopilot to, like, future tripping to the worst case scenario of, like, what could go wrong. Right. I like that. Love it. Okay.

I did it. You did it. Yeah. All right. Okay. Well, yeah, that was, how was your weekend? I hope it was good. Weekend, no, weekend was good. Definitely. This is the time of year where I like living here because it's kind of like cold and maybe not amazing weather back in New York and we're still like outside in the pool. Like I'm outside. This is the crazy. Like I was literally outside yesterday for 10 minutes and I come back and I have a tan line. I mean, you know.

I'm just kidding. No, that's. It's October, mid-October. And I'm not even really trying to tan. Like I try to take good care of my skin. But it's kind of cool that I could just like pop outside for, you know, 10 minutes and get a little fresh up, you know. Yeah. There's definitely something underrated about just feel like this feeling the sun on your skin.

Yes. Just feeling like the warmth of like the natural. It's true. And even in my older age, I can't take the sun, like 10 minutes of like direct sun on my face is usually enough. The sun here is pretty hot. But oh my God, when I was 17, I would just bake like hours. I don't know how. That's like a different, different world. Yeah. But yeah, that's the weather update for Texas and New York. All right. Let's get into a. our episode. We've got some great emails today. If you want to leave us a voicemail, you can call 64636363-6294. Or you can email us your question, your feedback, anything you want at oversharing at betches.com. You can subscribe. You get all the episodes a day early and ad-free. And you get two

bonus episodes a month. There's already an episode out, bonus episode out. There'll be another one this Thursday. So if you are interested in subscribing, check it out. We love our subscribers. I don't hear any negative feedback about the subscription stuff. So I'm assuming you guys really like it. Or if you want to get even more involved, you can join one of Dr. Naomi's therapy groups. How do they do that? Yes. Come find me. Find us, our community at Naomi Bernstein.com. Always accepting new applications for members to join. I will find you the perfect group. I honestly, the group right now, we would love men. Right now, it's all women. But if you're a man and you're interested in joining, we would love to have a new perspective. It's all about

perspective or not all about, but a lot of it is about perspective. And I'm every week astonished at the wisdom that these women bring, how supportive and loving and just like they think about each other in between sessions. And it's really just an amazing. And it's really just an amazing space to feel heard and also kind of checked a little bit when you get too into your own stuff. So come join us Naomi Bernstein.com. That sounds lovely. Yeah. All right. Let's get into this episode. I'll read our first email. This week's overshare is brought to you by nobody wants this on Netflix. You know how in relationships the little things suddenly become big things? like whose turn is it to do the dishes or whether moving in together means sharing closet space or surrendering it.

In season two of nobody wants this, Joanne and Noah are navigating all of that and then some. First comes love and then comes life with all the family drama, career stress. And did I just say too much moments along the way. And speaking of how the little things can feel like big things, today's email is all about what happens when the tiniest habits start raising the biggest questions. I will read this. Let's get into it. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi. I want to start by saying how much I love the podcast. I'm a proud benefit subscriber. And I look forward to every new episode. You're both so funny and insightful. And I feel like I learned something every time I listen while also laughing out loud. Thank you. My boyfriend and I are both 25, have been together since 19, living together since 23. And we just got a dog in May. lately the smallest things with our dog are making me nervous about big picture compatibility down the line here's the situation the other night i was getting ready for bed bathroom meds water the whole routine

and when i come back my dog had climbed into my spot we laughed about it at first but when i moved her she hopped right back in meanwhile my boyfriend was curled up in this banana shape that took up a ton of space When I asked him to straighten out a little so I could actually get in bed, he brushed it off with, Don't worry, she'll move soon. When I pushed again, he acted like I was asking the world of him, saying, What? This is just how I naturally lay, as if a tiny adjustment for me was too much. It's not really about the bed, though.

It's that I want him to be a little more empathetic in small moments. Like if the dog's water bowl is completely empty right next to her food bowl, why not fill it when you're already feeding her? He just doesn't think of it. I'm in therapy working on voicing my needs, and I felt like I did that here, but he seems too rigid to meet them. So now I'm stuck wondering,

am I asking too much? Am I spiraling? Is it fair to use dog dad energy as a preview for real dad energy? Or am I putting too much weight on small frustrations? At what point, a little lapses like not filling the water bowl, not making space in bed,

become red flags about partnership and co-parenting? Am I spiraling by connecting? by connecting his dog habits to future parenting? Or is that exactly the kind of thing I should be paying attention to? What do you think? Yeah. Couples getting a dog is kind of like what I talk about, like planning the wedding. It like brings a lot of stuff to the surface.

For sure. And it's a great exercise. I mean, look, you don't want the dog to suffer, but it does bring up a lot of stuff around communication and follow. and follow through and share responsibility. Yeah, exactly. Doing things when you don't feel like doing them

and taking a load off of your partner's plate because a lot of times before that, it's like my load is my load, your load. Maybe there's like a couple dishes in the sink or things like that, but taking care of an animal, like in your situation,

if there's diarrhea in the middle of the night or the things she's bringing up seem pretty small, Maybe they haven't had a diarrhea about yet. You guys could use one. We'll really show all the cracks. So I get what she's saying. I think it's very normal. A lot of couples do struggle when they first get a puppy or an animal together.

It brings up a lot of these issues. Right. And I think I like this as a good preview because, you know, we talked about this last week. We're a lot of the times with a new baby. the woman is like more biologically tied to it with like nursing and you know pregnancy and postpartum and hormones and things like that a dog is like kind of even yeah like there's no real reason for one person to innately need to do more or less for that so it's almost like a good test of like when things are super equal how does it yes how does it work out so i do like it in that respect

I will say they're both 25, right? And a 25-year-old, not to like excuse anything he's doing, but at 25, I don't think I would have been ready for a kid. I don't know if I'd be, I don't know if I would react the same way to having the dog that I have now. And to say he doesn't seem like he's ready to be a dad might be accurate at 25, regardless of if he might be a great dad in the future. He's not like 35 in acting like this.

he's 25, you're 25 too, so I could see why she's like, well, I'm 25 and I'm doing it. But I think like there is a little bit of, like, I think that's not an unimportant thing to take into account when you're thinking of your future together. Like he is and he's not probably an adult man who's ready to get into a huge responsibility, especially if this is his attitude. I don't think that necessarily means he never will be. Right. Yeah. But I have a feeling that, She's probably thinking, I don't know, that maybe she would want to do this sooner. Perhaps, yeah.

My hunch is, I have no clue. But they've been together since they're 19. They've been living together for a couple of years. So she might be focusing on this because of that because she's like, okay, I'm 25. Maybe like in a year or two, we'll start. Well, they're not married yet. Assuming they want to do that first. But, yeah, I agree with you.

I think he could not be ready. now and be ready, you know, he might feel like it's more, I do think, again, just like before marriage, I think before you get a dog together, you have to have some of these conversations. Like, I think it is important. If you are a couple out there thinking about getting a dog, and I get why there's that temptation, you're like, all right, we've been together for a while. We want to mix things up, mix things up, do something new, kind of have the shared experience of caretaking. But there's a lot of important questions to out. Like, who is going to do the middle of the night puppy training?

Who's going to be the one that's going to be responsible for vet visits and feeding? And, you know, it is important to talk about all this stuff beforehand so that you know who's going to do what. And it's not too late. So I think, you know, it sounds like it's more for her. I don't think there is this division of labor thing that's bothering her. It's more maybe like a she's looking. Yeah. Like caretaking?

Yeah. Yeah. She wants some caretaking. She wants some proactivity. She want maybe there's a fear that she's turning into like the default parent with the water bowl thing. Like you've got to see that the, like I don't want to have to be the one that's like, hey, by the way, the dog needs water. Like that seems like a basic thing that. Right. Or if the dog is sitting in my spot, it's like an us problem. Yes. Not like a you, not like a me problem. Yes. So I. can see that. And I think that's worth a conversation. Again, not to, I wouldn't like, again, catastrophize it until like, is he going to be a horrible dad? I would take the situation at hand and like focus on what's happening now. Yep. And I do think as with most of these things, when you're trying to figure out if the person that you're with is your person, like if they are a good life partner for you, it's less about how they handle a particular situation and more about how they handle communicating about that situation. So just because somebody shows up, like, if you're intending to marry someone and have children with them, you're looking at

decades and decades and decades of being with them and they're going to change. They're not going to be that person, which is why I'm always like, you have to be married to marriage, more so even than you're married to the person that you're choosing because they could change. Anything could happen. They could go through a trauma. They could go through a loss. They could, you know, you're married to this person. So it's more about how you can communicate through these life stages and changes and things

like that than about are they showing up as the perfect person that you thought they were when you picked them. So I would bring this up. And she's saying she's working on being more assertive. And this is an interesting thing, too, to look at is like, sometimes just asking in the moment for that thing that you want, that's great. That's a great first step. Like, can you please move over trying to get into the bed?

Great first step. I don't think he's picking up what you're putting down as like there's a bigger picture for you about these little moments. And sometimes phase two has to be, we're going to sit down and talk about this. this pattern that I'm seeing and how it's making me feel and see how he handles that conversation. Right. You know, just these little things are happening. And I, you know, I feel sometimes like you're not aware of my experience in this dog

ownership relationship that we're having. Like you're not seeing kind of what I'm left to do. Or like you said, it's an us problem if the dog's in the bed, not a me problem. And it's just making me feel a little bit unseen. or alone in this as a bigger conversation than just, can you please move over? Because he might just not be picking up that that's actually something that's important to you. Right. Or is always building up.

Like I think that's when you have to, you know, go to the next level of asserting yourself. Yeah. I like that. I love the advice to just focus on the way that they're communicating. And if you can get them, you know, if you guys can get on the same page with communication, because like you said, and that kind of goes back to what I was saying in the beginning, like I wouldn't judge it based on the actual actions because at 25, and again, unless you guys are talking about having kids, like now, I think you could, you could change your actions or your

thoughtfulness or your proactivity by the time you want them. But I think it's like it's harder to change or get at, especially in the same relationship to get out of a certain way of communication style. So I think focusing on can he improve that or can you both kind of get on the same page with that is really going to tell you more about your long-term compatibility than, like you said, anyone action. Right. Totally. And it is a, you know, a lot of people when you're dating and you're trying to figure out

if this is a person that you want to marry, it's really hard because you start, especially as you get closer to it, you start, like, judging their actual behaviors without looking at, like, how they can communicate or change or are willing and capable of putting effort into changing, which is so much more of an indicator of a good partner or a, you know, a compatible partner than how they're showing up on day one. Right. Or any given day. Yes.

When I first met Jeff and we first moved in together, has, I was, I had one day where I was so tweaked because like the apartment was a mess. I was kind of doing everything. I was cleaning this, that, and the other. And he's like, oh, I'm just going to stop for a car wash on the way home. And I like went out and got in his car and his car was immaculate. And I was so irritated because I was like you take you're taking such good care of this little space that's like your personal space.

And like our shared space was not cared for in the same way. But I still remember this because I sat down with him and I expressed how I felt. and it was literally like game changer. Like he just wasn't aware of that that that was happening until I brought it to his attention. And like almost ever since that day, he's been like an equal partner in doing things around the house. That's great.

It was just like, especially if you're young, like 25, I don't know if like, you're, his mother did too much for him or he didn't really have, like sometimes it just takes a little like, like wake up. Right. No, I totally agree. I think it's about their, their willingness to, to get into it and to, you know, adjust behaviors on both ends, you know, and I think like throughout a marriage, you have so many of those moments. I'm sure that was the one about the cleaning, but I'm, but I'm sure there's a million other little things where it's like, that's why it's like when someone says we never fight, I don't think that's a good thing. I think that's like a red flag thing. Maybe fight, you know, fight. There's a different threshold for what

you would call a fight. Maybe you wouldn't have even called that a fight. Maybe you'd call that like a stern talking to or something like. I think that counts as a fight in terms of like what a fight means for a relationship. And to me, it's like when someone says we never fight, that's weird because it's like, how have you not, you can't, there's no one who you're going to align with completely perfectly on everything where you're not going to have a disagreement on that just doesn't exist, I think, unless you marry your identical twin. Right. Even then.

But yeah, totally. I agree. And people are scared to have these, you know, nobody really likes conflict. You don't want to upset someone. You don't want to make them feel like they're not doing enough. But that's the important thing is learning together how to have these conversations more than anything. So.

Right. Yeah. Good luck. Good luck. Thank you for writing in. And thank you again to Netflix for sponsors. during today's episode. Season two, if nobody wants this, goes beyond the rom-com spark and into everything that comes after. The real life, laugh out loud, sometimes cringy moments of trying

to actually make it work. Kristen Bell, Adam Brody, and an incredible ensemble cast prove that staying together isn't just complicated. It's the best part of the story. Watch Nobody Wants This Season 2 on October 23rd, only on Netflix. Okay, you want to read our Betchesist? All right, I will read this. Hi, Drodotaph. and Dr. Naomi, my question is, is it root to skip a wedding gift for the bride and groom if you're traveling to their destination wedding? Here's the situation. My good friend from college is getting married in Hawaii this winter. She's been touting it as an affordable time of year to travel there. That couldn't be less true. I want her to have the wedding of her dreams, but it's frustrating that

she's spinning it as an inexpensive vacation. Call a spade a spade. My flight is $1,500, and the hotel room Blanc is 400 a night. She also has planned for guests to attend a dinner luau on wedding day, morning ceremony, lunch reception. She doesn't have an exact price, but from what I can see on the website, it's going to be about $300 per person. I never understand why these luaus are like insanely expensive. I guess you get a show. I did, I've done one of them too. They're like so like milk the tourist. Yes. But I went, I liked it. Yeah. I see what you're saying. Yeah, it is it was very expensive. It was very expensive and it was like rice and like, you know, some roast pork or whatever. You know, they had like a whole roasted pig, which I think it was open bar. Maybe that was part of it.

Oh, maybe. Anyway, I look, I get it. They got to make money. But that does seem like a lot for a night out. My girlfriends and I explored the idea of staying at a different hotel to save some money. But when the bride caught wind of this, she became upset because she signed a contract that she'd pay for any unused rooms. Furthermore, I've decided to only stay four nights due to my budget and work schedule. The bride is trying to convince us to stay longer, even though she and her husband will be enjoying their honeymoon on a different island. $3,400 and without any food or extra activities, do I really need to add a couple hundred dollars on top for a gift too?

My presence is the present, betch. All right. Okay. First, validated bride sounds super annoying. I agree. It's like one thing to pay for this stuff, but it's like have some appreciation. Don't pretend this is like super inexpensive. Don't pretend that it's because this does nothing about this sounds particularly cheap. Yes. Yep. It's not like they've got a room for $50 a night.

Right. Or she's subsidizing it. Yeah. Which, you know, if she wants everyone to stay at the hotel would be a nice thing to offer, something like that. And like, especially if you're going to say, please use these rooms because I prepaid for them, like, you know, throw something there. I totally validate that this is very expensive. And it is made more irritating by the lack of acknowledgement that it is. I mean, look, maybe it would be more expensive in the spring, but that doesn't mean it's an inexpensive time to go.

I don't know. The winter seems like the best, the time you'd want to. to go there the most. You want to go to a warm climate. I don't know. So, I mean, I get the bride is probably having this dilemma where she has to guarantee a certain number of rooms, but you have to make sure that everybody wants to do it before you do that. Like, you have to find out who's in before you guarantee the room. Totally. And I had, you know, we both had destination weddings for my destination wedding. I also had to guarantee a certain number of rooms. Or like, You kind of, you had to, we had to prepay for all of the rooms that we reserved.

And then we'd get back the money for anyone who actually reserved them. Right. But this was like a big discussion when we were doing it of like, we're going to reserve the smallest amount that we're able to. And then we can add, we'll add on as, as we get a better sense of, of who's coming. Right. Because you don't. Yeah. It's hard to be in that position where you're like, you have to basically be, you're going to be a,

annoyed and out money if people don't want to spend $400 a night or plus $1,500 on a plane ticket. And I get that. It adds another layer of like a little bit of a stress to the situation, but you kind of have to go conservative on that. And I have to say, the more rooms that you're giving, the more concessions they're giving you. So it's not like you're not. Like I remember the thing. It was like if you like, if there's like 40 rooms that are, if you guys are booking 40

rooms, you'll get this little extra thing at the wedding or something like that. Like you do, it's not like she's not making out in some way from the thing, which is, again, annoying that you're kind of being like going against what you would normally do, which is stay at a less expensive place. Like the fact that she's, I could see being kind of like internally a little like anxious about the fact that people were booking outside rooms, but I don't think you could force people to stay there for your own. Yeah.

situation. So bride sounds annoying. I think it's unethical, what she's doing. The gift thing is a different question, I think. Yeah. I was going to say, I as a person who had a destination wedding, and I think I had people that did this, I honestly don't remember anymore. I don't think after spending all that, you need to bring, you know, a $250 or $300 gift. I think you could write a really nice card, maybe frame a photo of you guys or a photo, you know, whatever. It's a nice token of affection that's inexpensive, a little scrapbook or something sweet. I don't think you need to come with a hefty check after all that. That's my opinion.

As someone who did this, if someone came after spending all that and didn't bring a gift, I wouldn't be mad. I agree. I don't know if I wouldn't be. I don't think I wouldn't be. I think I would notice. if they didn't bring a gift. I don't think I'd be mad, especially if they came all that way.

I do think this is where a registry is really convenient because normally I would give a check or you would expect someone to give a check for a wedding that they're attending. But I think a registry is great in this instance because you can just pick a super inexpensive item off of their registry. And like I don't remember the amount of gifts that anyone gave, but I do remember a gift or no gift. And I think anything is just like a gesture. And I think it's totally reasonable to go less. But I would get a picture frame off of the registry.

You know, there's usually a wide range of prices on there. And I would do one of those. So then you're not writing like a $25, $30 check. Right. Instead, you're like getting them a gift that they want, which I think, again, is totally reasonable, especially if you're having a wedding in Hawaii, which is a notoriously expensive state. And you are expected to a, this luau thing should be, she should be paying for that if she's expecting people to go to that.

I don't think you can like host a non-optional wedding event. Yes. That's like the, it seems like it's after the, it's like the after party of the wedding is what it sounds like. Yeah. Morning ceremony, lunch reception and then everyone goes to the luau, but you have to pay. That does seem a bit off. And it also feels uncomfortable to be like, yeah, I'm going to skip the luau because that's like kind of seems like part of the whole. Right. If the ceremony is the morning and then the thing is the afternoon, then you're spending the night like not at the louis out. It feels weird. But then you're like kind of paying for your own wedding.

To attend a wedding event. Yeah. Anyway. Yeah. I think I'd go with the registry gift. And honestly, it's less about because you need to get her a gift. And I think more about for you, the mental energy. Because for me, when I'm like anxious that I haven't like done the normal social etiquette thing, that weighs on me a lot more than spend, again, I don't know what your budget is. But for me, it would be like if I were to spend a $30 on a on a picture frame or something like that off the registry. And then I could cross getting a wedding gift off of my list of anxieties of, is this person mad at me? Should I have gotten something? It's more like mental load. We'll be getting a letter in six. months. I went to this wedding. I didn't buy a gift. She's no longer responding to my text.

Right. I think the mental load of like, that's usually how I feel about like when I'm tipping or when I'm giving a gift. I'm like if I'm debating, if it's better to give the less amount or the bigger amount. I usually, and again, obviously this is like somewhat of a privileged take, but I usually try to go, if I can afford it. I usually try to go with the higher amount so that I don't have to think about it. It's not even about the person. It's just so that I don't have to worry that I'm doing something wrong. Yeah, I hear you. I do think, though, like, I'm going to have a little bit of a different take

in that I think you can just do a very nice token of affection. That's like you guys are college friends. Maybe you make, you know, write like a poem and put it in a frame or kind of like. It sounds like more work than the one of my suggestion. Yeah, no, it's definitely more work. But if she's kind of like, I don't want to spend money. Right. I don't want to spend anymore.

That's a way there are, you know, you could do one of those photo books for probably like $25 or. I mean, if there's a registry, great. I love it. If there's not a registry, I agree writing. You don't want to write a check for $20. That sounds a little crazy. But I wouldn't feel bad. An acrostic poem.

There's no registry. Yes. And it could be inexpensive along the left side. And then you could write all your thoughts about the definition of the word inexpensive. Right. I is for my irritation with having to fly out to Hawaii for your wedding. Yes. N is for no awareness of the true cost.

Sounds fun, like a great poem. If you decide to write it, send it to us. We'll read it on the show. Very therapeutic. Look, I hear you. I don't. And I do think people did this at my wedding and I didn't feel away about it. I was happy they came.

I realized that it was a lot of money for people. And it was more about the experience of having friends and family all in this beautiful tropical place together. So yeah, I think you're good either way. But I wouldn't show up with nothing. I would show up with a little token of affection somehow. I think we're both in agreement that it's the very least a card. Yeah. something to show something.

Just again, less as a transaction and more just as a, she's clearly a good enough friend that you're willing to spend this to go to the wedding. So I think even just a nice card saying how much she means to you. Yeah. Maybe not in the moment, but generally. Let's do some intentions. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi, love the pod and all that you do. I appreciate both of your viewpoints and always look forward to the episodes.

I'm a long-time listener, but first-time caller. and I have a work-related issue for you. I'm in sales and I'm 100% commission-based. That's a large percent. Yeah. I love my job. I enjoy the clients and the people I work with. I also enjoy the sales process and closing a deal. I recently asked for a bump to my commission. I'm currently being paid 17% and asked for a raise to 20%. I should note that the previous three employees in my position had all been paid between 21 and 24%. I took a lower starting percent as I was new to the industry and didn't have the experience. My averages are now roughly double that of my predecessors and have been for over six months.

When I asked for the bump, I was denied, but not just denied. I was belittled. I was told that I will never be as valuable as a manager of mine that was in the meeting, and I'm lucky to get paid what I do. Ouch. I was also told that I work less hard than some of the other employees in different positions. yet make more money. Double outch. And what did that have to do with my compensation? Lastly, I was told that I should be grateful to even have this position and opportunity.

Please keep in mind that I've been told by not only my direct manager, but numerous people in the industry that my numbers are far above industry standard and my rate of pay is considerably lower. I could have dealt with, no, we can't increase your commission percent. It's just business. But this seems personal. By the end of the meeting, I left in tears. I have never felt so attacked when asking for something I truly believe I deserved. For me, this was less about the actual percentage and money and more about being compensated equal to the men that came before me and being shown I was appreciated within the company. Feeling underappreciated is something I struggle with. I'm having a hard time not reliving this meeting in my head and going over how I should

have stood up for myself. Do you have an intention to change my mindset when I start going to Scenario City? Thank you. Sincerely, 17% patch. Ouch. Ouch. Yeah. Usually they would, a company would at least, you know, part of industrial organizational psychology is like keeping your employees motivated to want to improve. It's almost like, this is just them showing their cards that you're right, that either they're bluffing or they really don't appreciate what you're bringing to the table. Yeah. And they're not trying to keep you motivated to keep doing what you're doing, which sucks for them. I mean, yeah, this sounds really unprofessional to me.

Unprofessional. Even if they believed all the things that they're saying, and I'm sure they're not true. I mean, I don't know you, but I'm sure they're not if everything she's saying is true. Even if that's what they wanted to get across, there's nicer, more motivating ways to say that. Yes. You know. Then like you're never going to be as successful as you're, you're, you're never going to be as your manager. You work less hard? That's like how would that's the subject? How would you even

know that? I think like you could say, you know, we'd love to consider this in the future right now. Here's the things we'd need to see you improve on in order to get there. I think you can get there. Here's like what we would need to see in order to increase that number. Yes. Like some, that's motivating of like you could say no in a motivating way. I think it seems, that seems like, are they trying to get you to quit? That seems like a very bizarre, like, mean way to. Yes. Not motivating, not keeping you going. Like, even if there was no pathway to get there, at least, you know, a lot of places would make you think there is. Right. Or dangle a carrot for a little while. Look, you know, again, I don't want to jump out and tell you what to do. But if you are as good at this as you sound,

and you sound good at it, right? Like your numbers are double other people. You're moving up faster. You're closing more deals than the people who came before you. I think this is a blessing of disguise for you to show you that like you need to keep it moving. Keep doing what you're doing and try to find someplace else because you have a lot to put on your resume. You have a lot. And that's the thing about sales jobs is like it's objective.

Right. Like when you're making a resume, you can write down like exactly what sales you closed, exactly how many sales you're closing and what you're selling and, you know, compared to what maybe it sounds like you have some information about other sales that were happening before you got there and how you're comparing. So I think you have a lot of good objective information that you could bring into an interview with another company. I know that you like your coworkers and you like the people you're working for.

So one option is just to say, hey, I'm going to advocate for myself through my own action by looking for another place where it's supply and demand. Right. Like if you're really good at what you do and there's some demand for what you do, you're going to be able to get that 21% or 24% or whatever it is that you're looking for, especially if it's entirely commission based. Like you're making people money. All you're doing is.

making them money. Right. Yeah. No, I totally agree with that. I think she could look for somewhere she's appreciated more. I'd even maybe even like speak to HR about the way that you were spoken to. Again, that sounds really unprofessional and just like a strange way to speak to anyone. And I can understand why she wants an intention and why she's kind of spiraling because it's like usually people, again, use more euphemisms or aren't even like, yes. Like if someone's saying directly to you, you will never be as good of a, as valuable as a manager. Like that, even if you kind of, even if you were extremely confident, I think that would get into your head. Yeah.

And she's probably thinking, you know, everyone hates me. I'm horrible at this job. I'm never going to be good. I'll never make what I deserve. Yeah. Totally. So I think I wrote two different intentions for her. One is like just if you want to continue to advocate for yourself in the sense of like,

I know that I'm worthy and I'm going to go get the compensation that I deserve by looking for something else, kind of like giving up on getting it from these people because you've asked for it and they're not giving it. And the other one is maybe you do want to re-approach this in a professional way, either with HR or, you know, re-approaching the conversation, maybe a little bit more prepared with like, here are my numbers, like coming into it, which is why I love that she's in sales and there's this, like, objective data that she can use. Right.

So the first intention I wrote is I will advocate for myself through action. And that by that action, it means like finding another place where you can get the compensation. that you think you deserve. Because if it's below industry standards, like you're saying, then you're going to be able to find someone else. If you show up and say you can earn them this amount of money, you're going to be able to do it. And you're going to advocate by saying, I'm leaving.

And I'm going someplace else where I'm getting 22% commission. The other one that I thought would be good for her, as well as other people, is there's no statute of limitations for communication. So just because this first conversation didn't go the way that you wanted doesn't mean you can no longer re-approach this conversation. So I think you can kind of gather your ducks, maybe set up another conversation with either your direct manager, perhaps. And it sounds like you have actual information from this person where she said you're doing a great job, you're doing better than most people. Like you've got some, like, I know it feels almost a little bit like you're kind of using her words against her, so to speak. But you're a cog in the wheel of this place.

And I think you can go with guns loaded and say, here's all my numbers. Here's what I was told by my manager. I'd like to re-approach this conversation, whether it's with HR or coming back again with a little bit more of like a prepared, organize, you know, way to advocate for yourself. So just because it didn't go well the first time doesn't mean you blew it and it's over and there's no pathway back to this conversation. Maybe there's someone else that you can talk to or if you can say just kind of like, I'd like to re-approach this conversation.

I've made a chart with some of my numbers. And I've, these are the industry standards. And I have a chart here that is comparing them. Right. And here's all the money I brought into the company. And again, I think, like, it makes sense if she has never done anything like this before, where why she would take a smaller role coming in, but now she's proven herself. So I think she could say, like, the circumstances of when I was hired have changed. And, you know, here's why. And again, like, I think that no one should speak to someone the way they spoke to you. So I think that regardless of if you got everything you wanted, I still think, like, that should be addressed that the way that you were spoken to was not. not okay. Totally. Yep. And I don't, I think you can, I'm sure I can imagine she came in like nicely and probably in some humble way like asking for her commission to be re-evaluation. And probably I can assume just were shocked at the response that you got that I could see why maybe you weren't like fully prepared to advocate for yourself. And then now there's this feeling

of regret of like I should have done it different. or why didn't I say this? Like, you know, just like not standing up for herself more like she says. So that's where the second intention comes. There's no statute of limitations for communication. Like you can re-approach, you can kind of load up with all your ammunition and re-approach this conversation a little bit more prepared. And then you'll feel like, okay, I did everything I could to advocate for myself.

And if it still doesn't work, then I take all those. beautiful numbers that you have and bring them elsewhere. Love it. All right, good luck. Good luck. Keep us posted. Yes. Let us know if you take any of this advice. This would be really helpful. Yeah. All right. Let's do some triggers. Okay. Read our first one. I will read the first one. Hi, Jay and N. Love the Pod. Longtime listener, first time writer. I wrote this a while back and didn't send it because I thought writing it out helped me feel okay with it. But I've just been reactivated with a pit in my stomach and feeling deep sadness. Initially, I started writing in when I listened to the episode

where a caller's choice for Godparent is getting scuba certified instead of attending the post-ceremony brunch. That was a good one. That was a good one. A new baby was born into my family, and I'm so blessed and love them so much. The new parents asked me if person X would be a good choice for a God parent. I responded with a longer, more thoughtful message,

but to the effect of, yes, they would be great and you should choose who's best for you and your child. The conversation has me feeling disappointed since I am the godparent to their first child. And while I didn't necessarily expect to be the godparent to this child, it definitely has been a thought of mine. I keep thinking that they still might ask me. Crazy I know. So I need an intention to stop feeling hurt by not being chosen again and to stop thinking that they may still choose me. I got triggered all over again when they said, I really need to ask, the sibling regarding the second godparent.

So now I'm back to thinking, so you really aren't going to ask me then? Am I just trigger because I wasn't chosen again? Trigger because they couldn't be up front and took this roundabout way of telling me it's not me? What can I do to untie this knot in my stomach and stop feeling so hurt by this? Signed childless godparent to one out of two. This is interesting. So she's feeling triggered because she wasn't asked to be the god. parent of the second child, even though she was of the first. Yeah. Which to me, I mean, again,

we don't really do godparents in the Jewish religion. So I'm not like fully sure what the expectation is. Is it like you're the godparent to all the children if you get one? Or is it the kind of thing where you'd kind of want to spread around the honors? I think it's, you know, everyone's different, but I do think it's very common to want to spread around the honors, One, because then you get to honor more than one person. And two, because I think it creates these nice, like, individual connections that, like, your child has this, like, special connection with these parents. And your other child has a special connection with these other godparents. So it's, like, creating unique relationships.

I think, long story short, I don't think this is personal. I think they view God parents as, like, each kid gets their own set of. of godparents. Right. And it's not, if you were the most amazing godparent in the world, which I'm sure you are, I don't think they would give their second child the same godparents regardless is the vibe that I'm getting here. Yeah.

And if they're asking you, it's probably because they don't think it's offensive that you're not. Right. If they're asking your opinion on how this person would be as a godparent, I assume it's because they assume you know that you've already been the godparents, so you wouldn't again. They probably think you're like the safest person to ask. Right, because you're the only person that can't be picked. So you know you're not getting it, which clearly she doesn't.

Yeah, it does sound like a miscommunication. I think what's bugging her is like one, when they brought that up, I think she almost misinterpreted that as like, well, if you don't think it should be these people, then maybe it would be you. Right. When I don't think that's what they were intending, they were just getting your advice because you're like, you know, a great godparent and like know what it takes and all of that. But I think that planted in unintentionally planted a seed that it could be her. Like she said, choose whoever you think is best. But I don't think they were ever thinking that it was going to be you at all. Right.

Which is I think what that's like the person I would ask. If there were someone who was like totally obviously out of the running, that would be the person I would get their opinion on because it wouldn't be weird when I didn't pick them. So I would just, I think they're, they're clearly under the assumption that you don't, you know, this isn't, this wouldn't be you again. Yeah. And I think what's bugging her is it's been like this lingering unknown thing for a while. And she feels maybe like a little psychologically manipulated like you asked me. So maybe you're thinking. And they weren't. I don't think any of that was, I think you're on two different complete pages. And they're, you just want them, I think once they pick this person, this will probably feel a lot better.

It's just this looming choice. You think there's like an overinvestment in this particular thing? Yes. I guess I would ask like why does she want it so badly for both? Is it like I would imagine you'd feel pretty on it. You got the first kid. You were the first choice. You're not getting all of them.

Is there like an overinvestment in this? And this family and this family. Yeah. Right. Right. Is that, I don't know if that's weird to say. Is it a nice thing that she's like so,

she wants this so badly or is it like a little much? Yeah. Well, her sign off is childless, you know, you know, one out of two. What is? Childless God parent to one out of two. So I think because maybe she doesn't have kids of her own, maybe she's not planning of having kids of her own.

This is like her, she wanted this little like pseudo family unit with like herself and these like two kids that this was like her little you know these are her god godchildren and it feels like me i just think the intention of this was misunderstood as it's like you have this very unique special relationship with this child right as opposed to like you are like a third parent in our family like for our whole family and like the two kids. And I do think a lot of people feel like that's part of the godparent thing is like I'm giving my child if maybe they don't have an aunt or an uncle or if they do.

But maybe that aunt or uncle isn't like my top choice for who I would want to be like a confidant or a, you know, parental figure. I'm going to pick this other person so you can have this unique special relationship, not as like a you're a part of our family, but more like you're just with this connected to this specific child. I think it was just sort of, it was interesting because it is sort of like a, like a subjective title.

Like there's no book that says like this is exactly what a godparent does. It's like every family culture probably treats it a little bit differently. Right. Some people go scuba diving instead of attending the brunch after. Yes. Some people would never dream of doing that like this moment. Never. She would be at that brunch.

Yeah. So I think this is not that triggering because I think it almost, in the parents view, to sit her down and say, listen, you're not getting the godparent role this time. Or like, we're going to give it to someone else would probably seem like condescending and weird when you, they probably assumed your reaction would be like, oh, of course, I'm already been the godparent. Right. It makes sense.

So I can understand why they would bring it up in this way. They probably aren't thinking about it in the same way as you. I would evaluate, like, how heavily invested you are in this. I would give this like a three. Yeah. Yeah. I agree. I think the fact that they came to her, too, is flattering.

We value her opinion. Yes. We value your opinion. You're great at this. But there's only one of you and there's two kids. I agree. I could see why she's hurt. So I feel.

feel badly giving it a low score, but I do think for a lot of people, it's like one child, you get one godparent role. It's not, you don't get two kids. Although, from what I understand, like the godparents kind of like, if God forbid something happens to both parents, right? You take the kid. Are they going to give the kids to two different families? Like, that does seem weird. Yeah. I don't know how literal the godparent role is taken. It seems weird you would separate your kids. Yeah. You then you wouldn't really separate your kids.

So I could see, you know, again, maybe this is a communication thing of like, oh, I kind of thought part of the godparent is like if something happens to the kids, I would take them and like I would want to take both of them. Right. And that's a different conversation, right? Like maybe some people imply that is the godparent role. And maybe that's, that's an actual real thing that needs to be clarified. Like when I write my will, I have to write like, who's going to take my kids?

If God forbid we both died in a plane crash or a car crash or whatever. You're not dispersing them all throughout the. No. Stay together. Yeah, no, that makes sense. That would be an interesting experiment. Yeah, maybe her interpretation of just how, like, of the rules and the responsibility, is different than theirs.

So I think that's, if she wants to have any conversation, I think it should be that, not like, why don't I get all of them? Why am I not like being honored again? I would make it less about the honoring, because I think it does make sense. You want to bring other people into like your family connection. Totally. Yeah.

So, yeah, I would agree. I'll give it a four. I get, you know, why she's upset. But I think you can communicate about it in that way. or you can just be like, look, this isn't what, this isn't how they intended it. So don't take offense to it. You have the one. You got picked first.

Yeah. All right. Let's do another one. I'll read it. Hi, Dr. Naomi and Jordana. I love the pod and I've listened to every episode. Thanks for doing all you do. I have a trigger scenario I would like some other perspectives on.

This past weekend, I was involved in a college group of friends and their partners getting together. We all live in different cities, so we usually organize a time. once a year for us all to meet up. That's so nice. Yeah. Two of the couples live in the state that we picked this year, myself and my husband, as well as another couple. I will call the other girl hosting Amber. We both hosted two couples at our houses for the weekend. When it came to plans, I had expressed interest in having a time for everyone to come to my house, as my husband and I had just bought our house a few months ago and wanted to show it to everyone. We went out to dinner a few of the nights, paying for our own share using an app that splits it between everyone. Amber made plans.

for the whole group to go to her house for dinner and drinks and to discuss a book that we've all read. You guys are really in sync. Look at that. My house get together idea was overlooked, but I honestly was whatever about it and I did not harp on it. We went to a restaurant before Amber's house gathering as a group as we were all out doing fall activities together and all ordered appetizers and drinks. We then all went to her house for the evening and they had pizza, charcutory, and beer and wine for us. The last day of the day of the day. the trip comes and I log on to the app that's what's cost and stuff and come to find that Amber and her husband had charged everyone for the food and beverages that they provided at their

house that night. There was no prior discussion of this at all. To top it off, I only had one slice of pizza since we had gotten apps before the gathering, not knowing I would be charged a set price for the gathering at her house. To top it off even more, when we were all saying goodbye on the last day, another girl going back to their house from the group was talking about eating leftover pizza from the previous night. But how dare you have another slice? Of a pizza that I paid for. The pizza we all split evenly and didn't all get to enjoy to the same extent.

I was quite shocked at this. Should you be offering to host a night at your house if you can't afford it? Shouldn't you make it clear to everyone beforehand that you were expecting compensation? It's not even that I care about the money and pizza. It's the principle of the matter. I'm not sure I'm being old-fashioned on this topic or if it is actually tacking in for this couple to charge everyone for the food and beverage for the night. I would have never charged anyone for coming to have food or drinks at our house.

Looking forward to feedback, love a flabbergasted betch. Yeah, I think it is pretty cheesy to invite people to your house and then ask them to split the cost of hosting. I agree. Unless you say, like, okay, I'm hosting. Everybody bring a dish. A pot. Right.

I'm doing a potluck. Potluck. Right. Then everybody, but I guess these people were from out of town, so you couldn't really do that. But I'm kind of like, and I could see why she's a little annoying because she's like, I would have happily hosted. She wanted everyone to come to her house. She probably wanted to host. She never would have charged everyone for it. Yeah. And then she's insisting on hosting and then asking everyone to split the pizza. Yeah. I think if you're hosting people, you're paying for the food. That's part of hosting. Yeah. I think that's like sort of in the definition of hosting. You know, I would have brought a bottle of wine to the gathering if I were any of them, but I wouldn't be expecting to be like splitting the cost of pizza. Wouldn't bother me that the friend had the leftovers. I would just be like that part I think is like, okay. I mean, and sometimes you go to a group dinner, you order less than other people. One person's drinking. One person's not. You kind of just split it anyway. I think the fact that she had one slice of pizza is not really super relevant to it. Right. But I do think.

think that it is triggering to be charged when you're going to someone's house for like the food that they're providing you. I've never heard of that. I've never heard of that. I could see maybe more. Unless you're like, unless you're like, I'm hosting, you know, I'm going to, if we're looking for a place to host the pre-prom, like, I could do it, but like could we all chip in for that kind of thing if it's like a big event. But if you're like, everyone come over for some pizza whatever, like I do agree. It's. Right. Yeah, there are a couple of like iterations of this where I could see like let's say, you know, you start off the day and you're supposed to be watching football and then it goes, everyone's like, oh, we're just going to stay and like order some food. Like, you know, like kind of lingers and it's like a second meal that everyone's hanging out. You could be like, hey, I'm going to order some pizza who wants some, like if you want pizza, let me know and chip in for it. Otherwise. You know, like that kind of thing where you're like letting people know.

But yeah, if you're inviting people to your house, you should be providing the food. That is annoying. Yeah, as far as, you know, I think there was the undertone of like she wanted her friends to see her new house and they didn't. And that's probably a little disappointing. Like I could see that maybe contributing to this. Right, where she's like, I would have been a good host. Yes. Right.

And I never would have like added it to the. split-wise or whatever. Well, you know, they say that's like sort of like an unintended consequence of all these like paying apps and Venmo that it's so easy to like charge and get money for people, which is nice, but it also kind of makes people more inclined to nickel and dime each other. Yeah. Whereas like if this was the old days before those apps existed, I think you'd feel weirder being like, all right, everyone give me $20 or like if anyone has their checkbook on me.

Right. Walking around the room, like collect. 20s. Right. Or you owe me 30 for the pizza last night or whatever it is, I think would be. It's like more people didn't do that as much because it wasn't, you didn't have, you had to look someone in the eye to say it. Yes. And now you can just see it on an app and like casually just do it. So I think there's a, there's a whole psychology to the splitting of, of cost and stuff. But I'd give this like a four. It's kind of annoying. Yeah. Yeah. It's not like personal. It doesn't feel like emotional. It just feels a little tacky. Yeah, I would give it a four. I think part of that four is again that she

like was like I put it out there that I wanted everyone to come to my house. That was kind of ignored and then you ended up being like a pretty like not the best host when I would have done a better job. So yeah, I could see why this is annoying. Yeah. I think if you invite people back to your home, you should pay for things. I've done a split. I've done like a split. If you If it's like, I'm hosting, you know, we're doing this yearly Friendsgiving and we're trying to find a place to do it. And someone offers, and normally it would be a potluck, but we're just going to order food this year.

Right. And you would split it then because it's like an event that we're all taking part in that you just are nice enough to have people at your house where this doesn't sound like that. The conclusion is you have to announce it ahead of time. Like if you're going, if you're not planning to host, if it was like, hey, let's all go back to my place. I'll order some pizza and we can split it. Like, if you say it ahead of time, that's different than if you're like, hey, we're going to come back to my house for pizza and charcutory and drinks. And then three days later, you get a bill in the mail. Right. I agree. I think

anything you're prepping at home, like a charcutory is not being, should not be charged. Yes. All right. Well, we did it. Validated. We did it. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you guys for writing in. I love your questions. They're so relatable. Like, this is just real life stuff that gets us talking about how to navigate these really sticky interpersonal relationships. So thank you for being vulnerable, writing in. We look forward to it. Yeah, that's our time. Great work today.