Oversharing - Am I Stuck In This Over-Scheduled Life?

Episode Date: March 31, 2026

After a family trip to the middle of nowhere (aka a “serene national park”), Dr. Naomi spirals into a full-on meaning-of-life crisis while Jordana gently asks if she’s about to abandon civilization and start churning her own butter. Meanwhile, one new mom is side-eyeing her friend’s nonstop baby updates and wondering: is this motherhood… or a humblebrag Olympics? One Betch questions the ethics of calling yourself a “Dr.” when the degree might not exactly be for doctoring, and Dr. Naomi brings some of her expertise to the debate. Devastating news from an amino scan has a listener and her partner worrying about a potential bad outcome with nerve wracking odds, but the hosts share some ways to calm the anxiety and see light at the end of the tunnel for the new parents. A request for some to-go boxes at a wedding triggers a bride who is likely more angry at the child centric world in which she's living. Burned by the lack of effort from a friend at a recent book club gathering, a woman wonders if her pal is sending a signal that indicates she just doesn't really care. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

A quick note before we get into the episode, Oversharing is a podcast for entertainment purposes only. It is not a medical podcast and does not constitute medical or psychological advice. Always seek the advice of your physician or mental health professional. Hello and welcome back to Oversharing. I'm Drew Dan Abraham. And I am Dr. Naomi Bernstein. We were just having a side convo about how I, my hello, my, my miss is out by our hello and how it's a running joke in your house.

told. Well, that's why we were kind of chuckling when we signed on. Because sometimes if I walk into the house and I'm gone and everyone's in the house, I'll be like, hello. Anyway, so now every time you say it, we'll chuckle until we desensitize ourselves. Yeah, so we just came off an epic road trip. Obviously, we live in, I don't know if it's obvious. We live in Dallas or outside of Dallas, and we are a nine-hour car ride from Big Ben National Park.

Right around the corner. Right around the corner. But since we moved here, I've really been wanting to go because it, I think, is if not the, one of the darkest skies in the country, which means that you can see all the stars at night. Which park is this? It's called Big Ben National Park. It's basically, it's like right along the Rio Grande River. It's in West Texas. Oh, it's still Texas. You could drive nine hours. It's still Texas. It was cool and crazy. We're like, all right, we live in Texas. We should go check out all the things there are to do in Texas. It's super remote, which is why there's not a lot of light pollution. And they try to keep it that way. And it's also, I was really going there and kind of dragging everyone else just because I'm very interested. Like, I, I was thinking about it. Why do I love that? Like the stars and being in the middle of nowhere and nature and these huge mountain lands. It's like all the all the land forms you learned about in fifth grade that you never, you know, like the basins and the mesas. Well, you're very into like unplugging and getting back to like being present in the moment. So it all makes sense to me. I remember when you visited last summer and you were like working for the. day. And Jeff and me and you kept saying like, get out of the house. Like go. And they were there.

We were like went on a hike because there's like a trail behind my house. And we went on this hike. And you were just kind of like, go look at a butterfly. And the kids are like making fun of you. The whole thing. They're like, all right. Tell mom. We stood. We stared at like three butterflies. Is that like she checked that off the list like. Right. And it's true because it's even I think in having kids, it's like I want that, but I also want them to have that. So I had this sort of emotional existential moment. It was our last morning. And, you know, it's so quiet and watching the sunrise come up over the mountains. And the other crazy cool part is that we are on like, because it's nine hours, but we're still in the same time zone. You're at the other end of the time zone.

So basically the sun rises really, really late and sets really, really late. That's nice. You get a lot of daylight. And get a lot of daylight. And you don't have to wake up super early to see the sunrise either. So I would watch the sunrise over the mountains. And I'm sitting there. And Brooks came out in the morning.

And we kind of did like a screen. Like we let them have the screens for the car ride, obviously. Because otherwise, like Maddie was like, what did you do? do the whole time. And I'm like, I don't know. I listened to music. I still like, I didn't watch shows. I just like. You played I spy with your siblings. She could. I mean, she couldn't imagine. She couldn't imagine like a nine hour car ride without a screen. But anyway, so we did a little screen detox for the weekend. And my youngest came out in the morning and he just had this like calmness over him. Like just he just seen like he was sitting. He was sitting. He was sitting.

He had his little cocoa and he was drinking his drink and he was just like sitting there staring and we were talking. And typically he wakes up in the morning and he's like, what are we going to do? Throw the football. Someone entertain me. Watch video games. You know, and he just had this calmness. And when he went away, I had this really intense moat.

I could even feel myself feeling it now of sort of, I. I want this in my regular life. Like this can't, this unplugging, I just felt sad that I feel like I'm sort of trapped in this life that's like running from digital. Yes, digital, but it like everyone's checking their screens and connected and also just like so scheduled. like we're running running from like this practice to this event and what time is this thing. We have to be back for that and who has to be where, when and it just. And when I'm in it, I like it. I like it.

And it's fun. And I like, you know, I do like all the things that we do. But there's no way that we can undo that now. Like they're all, they have their social life and they're all in with their friends. And you have to kind of be checking your phone to see what time the thing is and the group. and where we're going and what time we have to get there. And it just feels very hard in real life to unplug. And it felt kind of like I've established myself and my family in this life.

And there's no way out at this point. I don't know if that's true. I mean, it's funny because like we definitely didn't grow up in a home where anyone was like consciously trying to have us develop any sort of sense of anything. Right. It was like a little bit of survival. But I do remember we had like Friday night, Shabbat dinners. And that was kind of a thing that you did every night. And then like that was the

time for like the family to be. I mean, there wasn't phones or weren't like cell phones and stuff then. But that was like a thing that you did every night. And if you wanted to do something with your friends or do something after, like I think you could do that. But it was like this was the thing that we had. And you would sit around and everyone would like discuss stuff. And that would be it was kind of like a nice thing. So I think you could do that. Like obviously your day to day, you're not really, unless you move to the woods with your family. And that's like kind of how like, I feel like this is like the early talks for how someone gets pulled into a cult. But like, but I kind of like, I feel like, when I think about it was like, yes, it's the family time, but I'm very lucky. I get a lot of time

with my kids. And the family time was special. But it was all, it was something about feeling small in something so large and feeling it was a reminder of. all the crap that takes up space in my head is really not that important. And how many decades am I going to spend going from volleyball practice to dinner reservation to meeting to Zoom call to I know that's just life, but it felt like that what you think about is your reality. So it kind of felt like how many decades am I just going to spend thinking about moving from like event to event to event when I really in that moment just wanted to like go hiking every day and like sit and watch and just be I think and just feel small amongst the vastness of the desert and these

mountains and the stars. It's a real craving. I think Jeff gets scared sometimes when I'm like, I have this craving for nature. Yeah, because that's what people start saying before they like move to the woods and get rid of all their possessions and like become like, you know. It could be like a slow burn into like complete insanity.

But I don't think that's what you're going for. Right. I think there's a difference. And we mean, we tell this to our listeners all the time. I think you can like infuse those things into your life more without having to sell all your stuff and again move to the middle of nowhere and have like a become Amish or something.

I think you could like have a night where you know a screen free night or a day of the week where you don't have any you know plans or anything. Yeah. Or even I think part of what we kind of came to was when we first moved for those of you that are in the Northeast, the big difference that I've noticed between the Northeast where we grew up in Texas, where we live now, is that in the summer, there's no such thing as like day camp really here. I mean, maybe a little bit. So the summers are very much, I think a lot of people are just like your kids just kind of like hang out. And they just, they live that life

of like, we're not like waking up and we have to get them there by eight. We have to pack the lunch. And at first I was like, that's crazy. What do people do with their kids all summer? And so I would like patched together all these little week, they have like a bunch of week long camps. And so what I came to at the end of this is like, okay, there's not a lot of structure in the summer. And maybe that is a time that we can just like get in the car and go somewhere that feels like the middle of nowhere and feel a little bit more disconnected from the daily grind of routine. So I think maybe this summer we're going to try to do a little bit more of this type of thing, which made me feel better about leaving, but I was really kind of sad about

leaving. But now I'm here with you, with my headphones on, looking at you on the screen, and doing the thing. Now, my life is really beautiful, so I don't want it to sound like I'm not grateful. I have an amazing life. I just have a craving for like that vastness of nature. Right. And I think you can get that in smaller ways that, like, add up. to a feeling of connection. So that was my trip. It was awesome. I highly recommend it.

If you are connecting with this craving for kind of middle of nowhere vibes, it's very hard to get to. The closest airport, I think, is like three hours away. That probably makes it even better because it's not like it's flooded with a ton of chorus. It was just felt very remote, which was really cool. Yeah. I like that idea. I also like, I think you were glamping. I also like like air conditioning and proper bathrooms.

We did have air conditioning, which was great. We did not have our own bathroom, but we did have air conditioning. And yeah, it was like a glamping thing. It was great. I highly recommend it. Let's get into our show. Let's do it. If you guys have a voicemail, you can call us at 64636362626294.

Love your voicemails. Or you can email us at oversharing at betches. If you want to subscribe to the show, you can get all the episodes ad free and a day early. And we have two bonus episodes a month where we do take feedback. We respond to your questions. We do updates. And also, you can join one of Dr. Naomi's therapy groups if you would like to get even more acquainted with her. Yeah.

Come join us, Naomi Bernstein.com. If any of this existential thought resonates with you, we do talk a lot about this type of thing. You know, what do I want out of my life? How do I find meaning in my life? How do I overcome my fears? So if any of that is interesting to you, come find us Naomi Bernstein.com. Let's get into it. I'll read our first overshare. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi, I would like advice on a problem I'm having with a friend. This is a friend I had before having kids. We both have two kids that are literally the same ages. This had the potential to be cool, but it's been hard to enjoy the process with her as she

keenly asks me about developmental milestones my kids are making. I believe to compare to her own. For example, when she texts me, she always asks if they're starting to do X or Y thing. And if I say no, not yet, she'll update me that her kid is and she'll send pictures and videos of her kid doing said thing. And then without asking if I'm worried, I'm not, assure me not to be. It feels petty for me to be annoyed, but I've started to question if she is genuinely curious or is only asking so she could tell me that her kids are meeting their milestones early.

Worst case scenario is that she's being competitive and her intentions and checking up on my family are an opportunity to gloat or make herself feel better. Best case scenario is that we merely have different attitudes towards parenting and she's well-intentioned. I don't know how to navigate this issue, but I feel as though I'm playing a game I don't want to be playing. I'm starting to question the friendship and if it's one. one I'd like to keep. It doesn't seem like we talk about much else other than the kids and their

milestones. Please let me know. Best, a betch that doesn't want to play. This is a great question. I think this happens. For sure. Yeah. I mean, you're kind of in it with like the smiling and the rolling over, which now that I'm out of it, I'm like, it's so ridiculous that people are, I guess there is a fear behind it of like, is my child okay? But I think there's a little bit of this ego thing of like, my child is stronger or smarter or. Yes. And I am in it and I totally get that because it's like I also objectively from the outside think it's all kind of stupid.

But in it, I'm like, I'm like, oh my God. Like look at her upper arm strength. She's going to be like an Olympic athlete. Like I'm constantly thinking about how, you know, advance. I'm like, is this a prodigy child? And I'm like Googling like, is it normal? for like a baby to pick up her head at like three weeks or something like like like in a way of like I want I want Google to tell me that she's like extremely impressive and special.

I don't think I would text someone that and then be like if they had a kid the same age. I might text them to be like talking about because there's someone who would give a shit about that because a lot of people like I wouldn't text Jared to be like, do you see how she's like picking up her head? He would like not care at all. But someone else with a baby who's like kind of looking at that and spends 12 hours a day just staring at their baby, might find that conversation more interesting, perhaps. So I think that could be part of it. I think the bragging nature of it is like a little annoying. Like I'll do that with like Mike because it's his kid. Yeah. Or maybe like you because it's not like you have kids. Right. I don't have babies like that.

Yeah. Right. So I might be like, yeah, she's super, she's sleeping so well. And she's like whatever. All of the braggies. Like, now that I'm out of it, I love it, right? Like, send me all of the braggy stuff about all the things that they're doing. No, but I used to feel this way about, like, pregnancy symptoms because I didn't really, like, have that many. And if I'd speak to another woman who was pregnant around the same time, she'd be like, oh, are you getting that, like, metallic taste in your mouth? Or, like, are you just, like, throwing up all the time? But, like, they would, like, and then I would be like, no, like, I don't know what's like, am I, should I be anxious about this? Like, is the baby okay? Like, if I'm not getting this. So I would feel that more around pregnancy when people would compare

symptoms with me and I'd be like thinking there was an issue because I didn't have that or like, oh, is she kicking yet? Is she doing whatever? And I would be, it would make me very anxious. So, and I could see why if someone was like, don't be anxious. Right. Right. Yes. It would make me more anxious. Totally. I could see why she has this question because I do think there probably is a little combo of what you're describing. Part of it is you would care about this because you have a baby the same age. But I could see why you think some of it is a little, because you had this feeling, I had this feeling when my kids were little on both ends of the spectrum. You know, I had my first one, Lila was super talkative when she was two. And I remember like going on YouTube and

being like most talkative two-year-old to see like how she measured up to what was considered. Did you get her a gifted program? Yes, exactly. And now that I'm out of it, I'm like, that was so ridiculous. And on the flip side, my son, Brooks, didn't walk until he was almost 18 months old. And now he's like a really great athletic kid. But at the time, I remember that was more like, oh my God, is he okay? Like, is something wrong with him? And, you know, just really the fear end of it. So there's like the braggy, my kid's a prodigy end of it. And then there's a scared like is something wrong end of things. And I, it doesn't sound like she's worried because everything is like about how well they're advancing. So it doesn't sound like the friend is worried, which is why I think if she occasionally, if this friend occasionally sent something that was like, like, oh, so-and-so's not rolling over yet or so-and-so isn't crawling yet, I think it might feel a little bit better.

Right. Because then it would feel like they're not, it would feel less braggy and it would feel more like probably putting her at ease if her kid wasn't doing that either. Right. And she's not saying it's making her anxious, but I feel like there's probably a something a little underlying that would cause because it would, that's natural that it would. Which is, it's just so nor. This is the other thing.

it is just human nature to compare. Like there's just no way around it. There's no way around. We're constantly doing it. So I'm sure it's irritating you a little bit because it does feel a little like, oh, my child's maybe not as special as her child in this particular way. Your child's beautiful find. It's not going to matter in the end.

Like I said, you're not going to find out if they're in the gifted program because they rolled over when they were, you know, three months old. It's ridiculousness. But you're in it. I could see why this bugs you. And maybe the solution is just to say, you know, it doesn't make me feel great to focus on like tracking their, tracking her milestones. It's just not something I'm interested in doing or thinking about. I mean, it sounds like you're saying it doesn't stress you out.

If it does, you could say it actually kind of stresses me out. I'd rather not talk about it. If it doesn't stress you out, you could just say, I just don't like focusing on that, which is, what it sounds like for her. So she might be able to say that the next time. I don't know. I haven't even really noticed, but I prefer not to focus on how quickly she's meeting her developmental milestones.

Especially that's the only thing they're talking about. And if she's saying like, this is sort of all we talk about. And I don't like that we're taught, like the way that I don't like the way it makes me feel after these interactions, then maybe you do create a little more space with the friendship. if like you're not really getting much out of it. Or you could text her about something you do want to talk about. That's not related to your kids or how, you know, what they're doing.

A TV show you're watching, whatever. If that's something, if there's other topics that you actually do enjoy talking to her about and you're not talking about it because these kids start talking to her about it. And if you don't actually have any topics that you really want to talk to her about, then maybe she's not like that great of a friend. or you don't enjoy the friendship. And I could see this thing getting, you know, perpetuating throughout, you know, when they start to learn to talk or they start to learn to read or they start to, you know,

play sports or instruments or drawings even like, oh, look at what so-and-so drew. And there's just this. The other flip side I will say is I think it is a little bit on her to detach from the, to realize, okay, I'm going to get to know my mind. My mind gets annoyed about these comparison things, especially when I feel like I'm not at the same level or I'm behind or my child is behind or the pregnancy or whatever. To notice your mind doing that and perhaps say, okay, I see my mind doing this. I'm going to choose to recognize it, kind of let this feeling flow through me and come back and see like you said, if there's other aspects of the friendship that I can enjoy because this is going to go on forever.

you know, who scored the most goals in the soccer game. And like, I mean, it's never ending. Yeah. And if you want to feel better about her and her intentions, she might just not have anyone else to talk to or brag to about this. And she feels like you're the only one that would even know what she's talking about. And maybe, you know, her husband isn't, I, again, I usually like do these like braggy quips to him because he's a good person who's not going to be like impacted by it. But maybe she doesn't, maybe he doesn't, maybe he doesn't, maybe her husband

doesn't care either or her partner, whatever. But it is, I mean, I can imagine even for you, like we have four babies in our, in our immediate, like in our family group chat. There are currently four like newbornish babies in the same age range. And I could see that feeling like, I don't know, maybe like if you post a video of one baby rolling or another baby giggling or one, like, is there a feeling of, oh, well, this baby's doing this and my baby's not. I can imagine that just being normal.

It doesn't feel good to think that you would feel that way about your own like, you know, nieces and nephews, but I'm sure that's just normal, you know. Well, for me, I have two babies who were the same, three weeks of, you know, so close. I mean, at least with our siblings kids, they're like older, so they would be kidding these things faster than me. So that doesn't bother me as much. But it's more like the two of them. I'm trying to not, myself.

I mean, they're both mine. Right. Comparing them. I can't even imagine. That's got, and if that's happening to you, which it probably is, I think you just have to recognize that instead of resisting it or trying to fight it, like, don't compare them. Don't compare them. Like, it's going to happen.

It's just the way the human brain works. So just like allowing that to happen and allowing it to flow through and moving on. Right. Yeah. For sure. But that helps me be aware of like what to say to other people with babies the same age because like, I don't want to annoy myself by doing that. Yeah.

By saying this one's advanced. Because if I'm like, if I say one's advanced, then it feels like I'm, you know, digging at the other in some way, safer form, even though I'm not. But, you know. Our human wiring for like competition is so annoying sometimes. It's, I wish it wasn't, but it is. And we just have to. Well, we all want to think that we're special as kind of like the feeling that, you know,

there's a feeling of like, I. I have something no one else does. My kid has something no one else does. And I think it's more dangerous when you project it onto your kid than when you do it almost to yourself. I see it all the time, like even at this later stage of people that like, you know,

they think their kid's going to like be in the NBA or, you know, it's just like sad and cute and weird the whole parent thing. Like you put your own, like first you want to be special. You want to be like the smartest or the prettiest or the funniest or get into the best college or whatever. And then you have kids. And it's very common to put that craving for specialness onto your kids.

On to them. Well, we should all aim for mediocrity like you do. Yeah. Let's do it. Live in the middle of nowhere. Be dirty and roll over when you roll over. Let's do a batch assist. Do you want to read this one?

I will read this. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi. I'd love to get your take on something that's been irritating me. I have a friend who's a nurse practitioner and owns a successful med spa. She's built a great business and recently has been gaining a lot of traction as an influencer in the aesthetic space. She also recently completed a doctorate in nursing, which is obviously a significant achievement. Since earning that degree, she now refers to herself everywhere, especially on social media as Dr. X.

While I think earning a doctorate is something to be proud of, I can't help but feel annoyed by how the title is being used in this context. To me, when patients see doctor associated with cosmetic procedures or injections, most people will naturally assume that the person is a medical doctor or physician. In reality, a doctorate of nursing is a different type of credential. And while it reflects advanced education, it doesn't change the scope of her practice. So I'm curious how you both see this. Am I being overly sensitive here? Is this just normal promoting oneself in the aesthetics and med spa world?

or do you think it's misleading to patients who may not understand the difference between a medical doctor and someone with a doctorate in nursing? I genuinely love to hear your perspective and if you validate my irritation. Sincerely, Stu is a dentist, not a doctor. If someone has a heart attack, you should still call 911. What? What is that from? I'm Googling it.

It's a quote from The Hangover, right? Where the guy's a dentist. That's funny. Yeah, I think this is funny. I feel like I've heard iterations of this debate. before is like should doctor be reserved for a medical doctor? I mean, there's people who have doctorates in education who are technically doctor. Yeah. Or lawyer is a jurist doctor. Right. Yeah. But like advertising it on social media is interesting. I can sort of understand both sides

because on the one hand, one person's like it is a doctorate. Right. It is a doctorate. And I have been technically allowed to call myself doctorate from the. this what from from this institution. I'm credited. I've taken some sort of class. And on the other hand, it's like, yeah, do most people assume that you say doctor, especially in a medical space that you are, that you went to medical school? Probably. I mean, you're Dr. Naomi. Yeah. So it's interesting, because this obviously made me reflect. And I do think, again, if we're being honest, there's a certain image, a certain brand that you try to project with how you, you title yourself, right? So like when I went to, when I was in my doctoral program and I had my

supervisors, they were all doctor so-and-so. Like that's what I called them. You know, they were psychologists. They weren't psychiatrists. So in the psychology field, there is that differentiator as well. Like there's, I could almost see psychiatrists who are actual medical doctors and go to medical school and then, you know, specialize in psychiatry, maybe being a little annoyed about psychologists like myself that call ourselves doctor because like if there's a heart attack, I'm not the one. Like I am not trained in that stuff. So I could see almost that being irritating for some people in that space. And if I'm being honest, I've been irritated before when I remember a while back I told you about a therapist that we worked with in our family that I didn't like the way that she handled the therapy with someone in my family.

And she did this weird thing where she, I think, was a social worker, but she had a doctorate in something like completely unrelated from early in her life, like a doctorate in like engineering or something. something. Okay. But then she called herself, Dr. Whatever, as in her therapy practice. That does seem like very much a false advertising thing if it's not even in the same field. Right. So that was really irritating. I've definitely had, I've encountered these things where people like misused doctor because they're trying to brand themselves, right? And I did the same thing. It's marketing. I could have come on here and it could have been. Jordana and Mrs. Bernstein, right? I'm technically also Mrs. Bernstein. I chose not to go that route for obvious reasons. It like kind of doesn't feel as much like you're leading with your

credentials and you're leading with your skill set and what you've been trained in. So I get that she, if I had to guess, I'm sure part of why she was intrigued by the idea of getting a doctor, doctorate in nursing was so that she could call herself a doctor. I'm sure there's some additional training that would help her with her business, but it sounded like her business was up and running and flourishing. And I mean, if she is technically a doctor, if that's what people who graduate that program can call themselves, then she can. I kind of, yeah, I think there's an element of misleading things in there. But I also think, listen, it's 2026. The internet is full of all sorts of people trying to be experts, I mean, in everything. I'll, you know, I'm one of them. I give advice.

I have no credentials to give advice. I have no training, just my own experience, my own experience doing podcasts, my own experience living in the world. I have no credentials. I don't call myself doctor. But there's a lot of, I'm saying, I'm one of those people. We all are like, you know, making a space for ourselves just because someone doesn't, isn't accredited, doesn't mean what they're saying isn't legitimate necessarily. It can. Doesn't have to mean that I try not to give advice on anything that I don't feel strongly about or have no knowledge in. But hey, I think this is going to happen. It's sort of like on us as viewers of content to sort through the noise of the credentials that people are trying to say. Like, if you think someone's a doctor,

look up if they have a medical degree, MD. They'll put an MD or sometimes I'll see. like dermatologists on Instagram writing like double board certified dermatologist, medical doctor, whatever it is. And if someone just writes doctor, you could look that, you could probably Google them, see what their background is, and kind of make that decision for yourself. I do that with psychiatrists a lot when I was looking for a new psychologist. If that matters to you, it doesn't mean that someone who doesn't have a doctorate, won't necessarily give advice or give good advice. I'm sure there's many social workers who do give great advice, probably most of them do. There is a training in that. But if you're someone who's

like, I'd prefer to see a someone with a doctorate, someone with a PhD in psychology, which I was, I would go on the website and look for the people with that degree and that would help narrow my search. Yeah. It does feel like the doctor before has become kind of muddled. It's the letters after the name that actually explain what degree the person has. So if you look for those letters after the name, that's going to tell you if she's a, you know, DNP or doctor of nursing, whatever it is, that's where you're going to find it.

I get, I do validate that there is a little bit of a, you know, a little bit of funny business going on here with that. I get why she's doing it. She's branding herself in that way. and she is entitled to do so. I do think it's also important how she addresses it. Like oftentimes people will ask me about, are you a psychiatrist? And I'm very clear with no, I didn't go to medical school.

I'm not a medical doctor. Psychiatrists are medical doctors and they can prescribe medication. And I think it also matters how you handle questions around that. But I get the thing of like someone's sticking needles in your face, potentially doing things that are like, physically invasive, it matters a lot what type of training you've had when someone's like physically shooting things into your face or what, you know, like, I do think, you know, that stuff matters. I could see how it would feel like they're sort of, because I think, I think it's branding.

I think it's marketing the doctor thing, but it's also trust. So especially in the med spa kind of like community, like when I get Botox, which I get, I go to a dermis. Because I want someone with more training because I don't want anyone to like fuck up my face. So if someone had doctor, I might be more likely to go to them. Yes. And then it's almost feels a little bit like a bait and switch. You know, like you go to them because they're doctor so and so. And then you get there and you're like, wait, you're not actually a doctor. That's annoying. Like I drove all the way here. And, you know, I thought that that's what you were. So I agree. I see both sides of this.

I think now with everyone trying to create their brand, it is more important than ever to really look into what someone's credentials are. The letters after their name, I think matter more than what's before. Yes, I agree. I think it's a little shady, but also like it is on the people who use the consumer, the consumer at this point. I don't know, should it be, maybe not, but this is the world we live in. This is just sort of like there's so much.

Like you said, I could have a doctorate. in engineering or I could have a, I could be a medical doctor and I'm still doctor so and so. Like you said, Stu's a dentist. Like, you know, so I really do get it. I would just detach from that. Like if someone says, calls himself doctor, they have a doctorate in something. If you want to know more, you're going to have to ask. I agree. It's annoying that like you, it should be easy to just see the term and feel that trust, but you got to do a little more research. Yeah. Great question though. I actually. It's a unique question.

We haven't tackled anything like that yet. And I think this is something. I've encountered this in so many different ways. And I validate the irritation around it. All right. Let's do some intentions. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi. Firstly, thank you for all that you do.

And congrats to Jordana on her two healthy babies. My husband and I have been through a huge roller coaster the last two weeks and are looking for an intention. I'm currently 22 weeks pregnant and everything was going really well until my first anatomy scan that led to another. and then another, and finally, a fetal MRI and a diagnosis that our baby is missing the quote unquote major highways of their brain. It's hard to express the fear and emotional stress we've felt leading up to this diagnosis, and now that we have it, we still feel like there's so

much uncertainty. We're told that children with this diagnosis have a 60 to 75% chance of living a completely normal life and that there are adults living with this condition that have no idea. The remaining 25 to 40% makes us wake up every day feeling like we're living a nightmare. Our child could have anything from minor delays in speaking to complete loss of motor functions like eating and walking. We are trying our best to be optimistic and enjoy the rest of my pregnancy, but we are ultimately terrified. The doctors have said that there is nothing else we can do until the baby is born,

at which point they'll repeat an MRI and eventually consider therapies in an attempt to keep their milestones on track. We're struggling to balance the wish to be optimistic with bracing ourselves for the worst. Well, we also fear that if our child is one of the lucky ones with perfectly normal development, we'll be tempted to treat them differently. Hoping you can help us to not let our fears about the future completely overtake what could be an exciting and wholesome last few months as a family of two. Thank you.

Oh, this is really hard. So much unknown. Like, so much love and care. And even when you don't have that. this, you start to envision your baby's life and what they're going to be like and what they're going to look like. And now you have this really complicating unknown in here. So I'm glad that you wrote in. Yeah, this is a really tough spot to be in with these percentages. Like, what does that even mean? And there's nothing you could do until the baby comes. Yeah. And it's very hard, I think, to not spiral

into this fear of the unknown and again what it will be like for your kid. And I remember feeling that at like every slightly off, slightly like slightly abnormal test result I would ever see. Even if it was like within the margins, but a little off or towards the higher end, you get all these, all this testing especially, you know, in the year that we live in. There's so much testing, which is a good thing in a lot of ways because it's catches things that are bad early. But the other thing it does is sort of gives us information sometimes that doesn't wind up leading to anything meaningful and just serves to stress us out. And that could be what's going on here or it could be something legitimate. But like,

it's tough because they might, I don't know what test or what they found, but that might be something where like 30 years ago, no one would have had any idea. And unless it can lead to like a meaningful action like during birth or right after. it's hard to feel like the information is useful to you in any way in this current moment. It does sound like the only benefit or the main benefit is that they could start some type of therapies. If there are any delays or anything, they can start those therapies earlier, be prepared to start whatever therapies. It doesn't sound like it's a medication issue or they're going to do a surgery to fix anything. It just sounds like intervention earlier intervention.

But what I hear in her is that she wants to try to enjoy the rest of her pregnancy, be present, you know, while they're still enjoying the last few months where it's just the two of them and not be just completely overwhelmed and burdened every day. Because this is just their 20-week scan. Like they've got a way to go. So I appreciate that you're trying to find that way to be present. And the interesting thing is that love and fear are just so intertwined in what pulls our hearts and minds towards something that's really important. Like this, this intense fear that they're feeling is really just love and the fear of losing this love or fear of having someone that they love suffer or fear of all the things. that parents are afraid of, your kids aren't going to be accepted or they're not going to be loved or they're going to have pain or they're going to have discomfort in their lives. And so I think that's what they're faced with right now. And if you're looking for an intention, which you are, I think it's got to be around this idea of, you know, allowing for this fear to work its way through. It's kind of like the competitiveness thing. Like it's just we're wired. We're going to have these feelings of, you know, being competitive, there's not much you can do to stop that automatic thought and feeling from

coming up. Like if someone sent you a picture of their baby and they were doing something that your baby is not doing, you're going to feel that way. When you, when this thought crosses your minds, you're going to have this fear. You're going to have this pit in your stomach feeling or whatever that looks like tightness in your chest or pit in your stomach. You're going to have it. And instead of being like, oh, I want to just enjoy my pregnancy. Why do I have to feel this way or whatever your mind does with that to just be able to say, okay, this is, this fear is really my love for my baby. And I'm going to allow it to work its way through, whether that means you have to cry or it means you just have to sit and hug your partner and, you know, or maybe you want to send a little

prayer down to your baby. Like I think, you know, I'm not religious, but I do think the idea of praying can help you get away from the noise of the mind, you know, like the Googling and the information seeking and the, and just kind of send your love in the direction where it needs to go in that moment, which is to your partner and your baby. So yeah, the intention that I, I wrote for her is this fear is love and disguise. We will allow it to move through us and bring us back to presence. So you don't want to resist the fear. You want to allow that to be there, but realize that what it really is is love, love for your family, you know, love for this baby, for the life that you want them to have. And no matter what happens, that love isn't going anywhere. Like, you're going to

love this baby regardless and if they feel love from you, they're going to have a meaningful life. So, you know, just kind of remembering that. But this is a really hard situation. I know that you love this little little baby so much and the fear is overwhelming. But I would give it room to heal to like move through. Yes. When it comes up. I like that. Well, best of luck. Keep us posted if you think about it, we can be here for you on your journey. Yes, good luck for sure. All right, let's do some triggers. Big fan of the pod. I have a triggered scenario for you that I'll just jump right into. My husband and I recently got married in Florence, Italy, and all of our family graciously flew from the U.S. to celebrate with us. We were so happy that everyone could make it.

Our dream wedding was black tie and a villa in the Tuscan countryside just outside of Florence. We had never considered having children at our wedding, so we opted for child free. Our families totally understood, especially our siblings with children. Honestly, they were thrilled to have a trip evening without their kids. My sister left her kids in the U.S. with their other grandma, so her husband's mom. My husband's brother brought his kids to Italy, but my husband and I paid for his sister-in-law and her wife to come to Italy to watch their kids during the wedding. His niece was not even a year old yet, so they didn't feel comfortable.

leaving her in the U.S. Part of our reasoning for not having kids is that we wanted a romantic evening wedding, which is kind of ruined by screaming over tired children. And we didn't want our siblings to have to leave the wedding early to go put their kids to bed and stay with them. My sister and my husband's brother were our matron of honor and best man, so they wanted to stay all night. We also just wanted a glamorous fancy evening.

That's why we went for black tie. There was not even DJ style dancing, just a string quirk. quartet, so it would have been extremely boring for kids. But another big reason for not having the kids there is that my husband's parents and grandparents cannot keep their cool around the grandkids. A conversation with any of them while a child is near, forget about it. They can't keep their focus for two seconds. As the couple without kids, this is super triggering for us in general. My husband's parents will be mid-conversation with us and we can see very clearly that they're not even listening because one of their grandchildren is nearby. It feels so invalidating, so rude,

and like we do not matter at all to them because we haven't produced any grandchildren. Even if the kids are not around, we always somehow get to talking about them. Having all of this in mind, at the end of our beautiful wedding, we stood up from the table, which was lined from one end to the other and gorgeous, full, fresh flowers and gold and white candles. I like how she sets the scene. Seriously, yeah. Looking around at every, everyone in their tuxes and gowns, we felt so proud to have created such a stunning day. My husband's grandpa was our officiant and he was just about bursting with pride looking at all of his family together. He's such a class act.

We were so happy that he was such a big part of our day. My dad had said a really heartwarming blessing and my sister didn't have a dry eye all evening. We turned to leave the Tuscan Garden under the evening stars as the air began to cool around us. Is this People Magazine? Like, what is the... She's... We'll talk about it, but she's definitely setting the scene of how perfect it was, except it was still quiet as the string quartet had already packed up and left after we finished our five-course dinner, beautiful cake and some sneaky Italian sweets as the grand finale. Then, in front of all of our guests, my husband's dad said loudly to the waiter, could we have a to go box to pack up some of the desserts?

I know my grandson would love them. Said grandparents' parents, you know, the best man and his wife, were mortified and immediately looked over at us. What the fuck? First of all, we're in Europe. They don't really do to go boxes in general. The waiter was visibly confused. Secondly, this is a wedding.

Who asks for a to go box at a wedding? Lastly, we didn't effing invite the kids. Of course, this really isn't about the desserts. But why could we not have one single day that has absolutely nothing to do with the grandkids? My husband did discreetly protest and say, hey, dad, let's not do that, please. It's a black tie wedding. We don't need to go boxes. So in the end, he's making it about the kids upsetting his son and very clearly upsetting me, the bride.

But no, he doubles down and makes a scene. We end up giving in and he takes a box of desserts from our absolutely stunning table. makes a poor waiter who's been grinding for hours on end, making our dinner absolutely spectacular, run around to find a stupid to-go box and made sure that the last moment of our wedding day was about his effing grandson. Obviously, I'm triggered. But how triggered would you be? A lot of love, a no-effing to-go boxes, betch. Okay.

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but the writer sounds kind of like a monster. I mean, first of all, love the writing. She really tried hard. Yeah, she tried hard to really set the scene to give us a sense of why it was triggering. And I appreciate that. But this seems kind of sweet to me. You know what? I'm going to validate this.

Okay. And I think it's because she did. I really love it. I think it was very entertaining for the listeners to have this. It was like reading a novel. Yeah. I'm saying. She knew, I think, that she needed to like really set a scene of perfection.

And like, you know, elegant the situation was. Validate. Believe you. I believe you. Yes. Yes. It was a beautiful, elegant wedding. And I do validate.

I think it's not, she even says it's not about the desserts. It's not about the desserts. What I do validate is that I can imagine for people who don't have kids that, especially if you're not, I mean, for anyone, but especially if you're not like a huge kid person where like, I would say I would lend that to this person. Yes. I would say she's not a huge kid person. Right. Especially if you're not a huge kid person, how child centric our culture in general is and how child centric it seems like their entire family dynamic is, that part's triggering. I could see it being triggering to try to have a conversation with your fiancé's parents.

And every two seconds, they're like catering to every whim of a four-year-old that's walking up and wants, you know, to play or wants a hug or wants a lollipop or whatever. I could see that being really annoying. Like, I have no place anymore in your life because I don't have kids. Now I'm like, went from, you know, someone who's very important to the bottom of the top. totem pole because this four-year-old has, you know, chocolate on his face, whatever it is. You know, so I do validate, I think, the bigger picture irritation of we feel like we have no place, which is also probably subconsciously or consciously why they wanted this very elegant adult non-kids wedding. And this feeling of like, today is my one day to have it.

not be about this because 99% of the time it is. So that part I do validate how annoying that might be for people that don't have kids and aren't that interested in them. Sure. Yeah, I'd give them that. But I will say, I feel like a family that was that intensely child-centric would do a lot of pushback on a child-free wedding. Yes.

The fact that they came and they at least made her feel, which was as I was reading it, She was like they were so excited to like have this kid free wedding and leave their child home with the other grandma. Like I'm sure that was a big pain in the ass. I can't imagine going to an internet. Like I would feel a lot of anxiety going to an international wedding, leaving my kids at home with their other grandparents. They did it and they made her feel like they was thrilled. They loved it. Yeah.

Which maybe they were, but I'm sure there was another part of that that they weren't sharing with her. Some complications. Yeah. Yeah. I know why now. They probably weren't sharing it with her. Right. Right.

And here's the thing. I mean, like, it sounds like this happened after the wedding was over. She said the violinists went home. They're like cleaning up. These are desserts they were going to throw out. The grandparent who probably felt bad about the, you know, he really loves his grandson and felt bad that he couldn't be at the wedding and then made a little bit at the end of the wedding to give him a little treat because he wasn't there. And I think to be that upset about it for this specific instance, like, if I were her, I would not say anything.

Because I think that like these people have done a lot to get to your wedding, to not bring their kids. If he wants to bring home some stuff, the waiter is getting paid to be there. He's not staying after his shift. He can find a box. I can understand it's like this is like, I think people have done a lot for this wedding. Totally. to make it exactly the way you want it. And it's over.

Even the whole like the poor waiter had to find a box. Like I think you're just now looking for things. I agree with you. The taking of the desserts. I actually think why waste food? Like it's kind of absurd just to not ruin. I mean, this is maybe an unpopular opinion. But like to waste the food not to ruin the elegant vibe when everything's over.

Like if he would have quietly. more discreetly went over to the waiter and said, can I have a couple of to go boxes? I just want to wrap up. And you never were the wiser of it. Would it still bother you if you found out the next day that the desserts were packed up? I don't know. Like what is the, what's the big issue? The big issue is that she wanted an entire day.

And I think this is like the kind of bridesilla thing that happens is like, I get my one day where I get everything exactly from soup to nuts, exactly the way I want it. This was the tail end. I agree with you. I think her getting upset about him asking to box up the desserts is absurd. The bigger thing, I validate because I could see that being annoying, which is why maybe this is the one thing she can point to because she can't, or maybe she should say, in general, I think you could say to the grandparents, whether it's your parents or his parents or

whoever, yeah, whenever we're talking, it feels like you just, no matter what happens, you're easily interrupted by the kids. I would appreciate it every now and then you could say, excuse me, you're going to have to wait a second. I'm talking right now. Like, I think you could maybe somehow find a way to say to solve the bigger picture issue rather than making it about the desserts because it's not about the desserts. It's about, and that's not going to change. Tomorrow you're going to wake up and they're going to be continuing to irritate you again about this issue. So maybe you need to address it.

I think that's valid. Like I try to do that with like kids are really, they interrupt a lot. And if you don't make them realize you are not the center of everyone's world all the time, they will act like they are. So I could see wanting some change there, but not. I agree. And I think if I were like the best man and his wife and those are my, I think it would be like a little offensive for you to say something because it's like she's like it's my one day. I don't want to like I want to pretend your kids don't exist. Right. I didn't wonder there anyone uttering anything about the children. What if he wanted the to go box for him? What if he wanted to take home? I mean that would be like a little tacky fine from a play. But like again, I think it's like I would look at it as like sweet and I don't want I don't think she should position. herself like this because she's going to be like a label the evil aunt who like hates all the kids,

which is why I do think, I'm glad you wrote in and this is going to be a long haul for you if you keep focusing on these extraneous symptoms of the bigger problem, which is I want to be able to have a conversation with you where I feel like you're really listening to me and you're not having one ear out for some miscellaneous need of a child that's not urgent. That's important for me to able to feel connected to you. I want to be able to have a relationship with you or I feel like you care about me. I would address that bigger picture thing. So, because this is going to keep happening otherwise in different contexts and just going to, you're going to end up being like this irrational, like you said, witchy aunt that is just like not nice and cranky. I don't think you want to

turn out that way. So I would address a very valid bigger picture concern. But I give this actual trigger like a two. Give the kids the dessert. Yeah, they're going to throw it out. And I think the other part that makes this feel like she makes her seem like not the most likable is like the, everything's over. The wedding was perfect. The flowers and the golden white candles and like this needing for it to be properly, perfectly the most, you know, the best etiquette at the end of the day to make it feel like it was all worth it. Otherwise, it's all ruined. If like the elegant vibe is that all tampered with, that is just come up. Get it together. All right. I'll read this last one. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi Bernstein. I have a trigger to share about a woman in my book club.

I'm in a book club with a group of women in our 30s and I actually started it with the girl who triggered me. She's the wife of one of my fiance's childhood best friends. Let's call her Erica. She's an avid reader and moved from Washington, D.C. to New York City about two years ago. So I thought starting a book club could be a fun way to get her more connected. The idea was that everyone would bring a friend. We started with six women, but one left the group and another moved away. So now it's just me, Erica, and two of my friends. A current work friend and a former work friend.

It's worth mentioning that I'm definitely closer with my work friends. Our first meeting was about a year ago and I hosted. We rotate apartments and who picks the book. I put together a whole spread, a cheeseboard, popcorn, snacks, and a sprits cocktail for anyone who wanted one. Sounds lovely. The other girls brought flowers, cookies from a bakery, and wine. Erica showed up with a bag of Doritos and her own plastic serving bowl.

My current work friend and I laughed about it later, and I even mentioned it to my fiancé, who also thought it was funny. We chalked it up to her maybe still learning the ropes of being a good guest. She's newer to the city, grew up in Tennessee, and she and her husband are generally pretty frugal. They talk about money and saving a lot. Over time, she seemed to improve. When she hosted, she had a nice spread of dips.

She started bringing a bottle of wine, although she also bought a separate bottle for herself and said, this one I'm keeping for later, which was a little awkward, but fine. Fast forward to our most recent book club meeting last Thursday. I was hosting again and leaned into a bit of the 1940s theme based on the book. I made meatloaf, potatoes, and gin fizzes. How do people like put this shit together?

It's quite impressive. My two work friends both said in the group chat that they were bringing drinks, and Erica said she was bringing nothing. Screenshot attached for reference. She had a work meeting right before and said she might be late, but she actually ended up arriving 10 minutes early. I had a Carrie Brideshow moment and I couldn't help but wonder. Could she not have picked something up in those 10 minutes

or even been a little late in order to bring something? Also, she works from home and was home all day and we live in New York City. I think this is bigger than just not bringing something that one time. There's obviously a bit of a pattern here. But because I put a lot of effort into hosting, kind of hurt my feelings that she didn't seem to recognize that or match the effort in some way. Overall, I think she might do book club more transactionally than the rest of us. For me and the other girls, it's as much about hanging out as it is about reading and discussing

the book. It's her turn next to pick the book and she hasn't yet, and the rest of us are starting to wonder if she's just over it and slowly backing out. I'd love your thoughts. I was definitely triggered by this, but I also recognize that it might come down to different personal preferences, Or maybe the reality is that Erica isn't really my friend. She's just my fiance's friend's wife. Thanks, book club batch. And we have the screenshot. So I think we should read it because sometimes that does give you a little bit more of a sense,

a raw material of how an oint she should be. So there's just like there's four people in the chat. So I think one person should just be everyone besides the other girl. Okay. I'll be everyone else. First person says, you beat us all. Someone else says she needs to get off this call and start mixing us cocktails. She wrote, I'm bringing a sparkling something too. It's cold. I brought two shamps. Nice.

And then their friend, the fourth person in question, says, my ETA is by 15. I'm bringing nothing for crying emojis. But good vibes. Today got away from me with back to back meetings, but my four meeting got rescheduled. So I'll be there shortly. Okay. We have the materials. My take on this is I think it's cultural. I have noticed, again, even, you know, I'm not sure where they're located, but like, they're in New York City. Right. Since I've moved to the south, I've noticed that there's like a different vibe with like gatherings and hostings where I've had people where I invite them over and they will bring kind of like their own cooler of stuff that's for them to drink. If you say, hey, hey, what is that?

They might say, like, I want one, but it's like they're cooler that they keep, like, near them. And that's like they're, like, they're not going to ask you for a drink. They're not expecting you to give them drinks, but they are going to bring their own for themselves so they don't have to drink yours kind of thing. And also, BYOB. BYOB kind of thing. You know what you like.

I want to drink what I want. So I'm just going to bring it. Interesting. And also the same thing with like bag of chips. like it's kind of bag of chips is a contribution it's a bag of chips she brought a bowl to put it in um i just think it might be like a cultural difference i don't know like if she would have brought a keesh from a grocery store instead of a bag of chips i don't know would that be so different what's the price difference it's eight dollars instead of four dollars or you know i kind of agree

I think it's like, one, as people who are not the most intense hosters, I think you and I, where, you know, I would, you know, Mike and I have a running joke where like we host, we had people over the first time we were like living together. And I was like, a bottle of spedka and a bag of Doritos. And he was like, no, that is not how you host an event. Right. But I don't do that anymore. This is, it's like, it's like a little bit of like a cultural thing.

He's Italian. They're very into hosting. the variant to like making sure there's a ton of food for everyone like an over supply of food or it's not enough. I think I agree with you. I think it's cultural and it's funny because the person who's writing in says that she thinks the other person might just think of this is transactional. But to me it almost feels like she thinks it's more transactional. Right. Because she's like, you're not bringing enough stuff to get your seat in the book club and I'm providing you with more stuff than you're providing me. Right. Because and I think like similar to maybe the person that she's

inviting, I would think, like, the person who's hosting is providing all the food. And when she did host, when she hosted, she provided, yeah, she had an acceptable assortment of dips. And so I kind of think of hosting that way, too. I mean, like, again, it's cultural. You said in Texas, they bring their own cooler. But I'm kind of like, the person who's hosting, in my experience, provides most of the food. And anything I bring is kind of just like an extra nice thing. Yes. But not necessary to the party's vibes. Happening. Totally. Vives or whatever. And I, I actually. kind of like the idea of like, okay, I'm hosting this is like a potluck kind of vibe. Like this is what my personality brings to the table.

Like you, you made a meatloaf and potatoes. And if she brought like a bag of Doritos, that's like her vibe being, her influence on this collective party. It's like her Tennessee, you know, vibe of whatever she's bringing. Like that's what she's bringing. the part that I can validate around being triggered is when she was like, I'm bringing nothing with like crying, laughing emojis, that it might have been nice to say something like, I'm so sorry.

I didn't have time to stop off instead of just like, I'm bringing nothing. Ha, ha, ha. It would have been nice to say, I'm so sorry. I, you know, or I can stop off and bring something, but I'll probably be a little late. And or after the event, send. a nice text that's like, thank you so much for hosting. Really appreciate it. Sorry, I didn't get to contribute.

Some acknowledgement in some way. Yeah. I think they're not bringing anything, not a big deal. I think the lack of humility around it is much more triggering. That seems like a little less polite. Or like give that. I usually would give the option. I could grab something.

I might be late or or I could just come if you want to start on time. Right. I could see how if you had 10 minutes. If she's 10 minutes, she's like, I could either, like, be 10 minutes late or be 10 minutes early. Like, what would you prefer? Yeah. Just I think part of what's bugging her is like she feels like it's not, she's just showing up, like, entitled to just show up when maybe I think the listener is kind of like, it's me and my two friends

that I'm actually closer with. Like, you are lucky to be included. And you should act that way is kind of the vibe that I'm getting. And you should contribute in, you know, in that fashion. But I get it. No humility of like so sorry. Because it does seem like the vibe is everyone brings a little something. Even if it's a bag of chips, I have no problem with the bag of chips.

I, you know, I don't think she brought a bowl to go with it. I'm actually kind of like, that was nice. She doesn't have to dirty up one of your bowls that then you have to wash. That's a great point. I think if they enjoyed her company more, it would matter less. Yeah. It's a little mean girl, but it is kind of accurate. I mean, it's funny. I remember this from like college where we would host these pregames and there'd be like, sometimes it would be like, she came. She just like sat on the couch. She didn't even bring chasers. Yes. And like she's just drinking all the alcohol. Like she's not even talking. I remember is that kind of mean? Like yeah. But also like I guess that's you're sort of like if you're not going to wow us through personality like bring something for everyone. Right. Yeah. I kind of feel. bad. Like she's trying to maybe find her way in like a new culture and this is like everyone's worst nightmare in some ways that like they're going to like miss the memo and like how to be

socially appropriate in like a party situation and a new big city. I do kind of think I do agree with the friend who's writing in who's like if you get if you care about the event, you would probably like go out of your way to like be a little extra to like if you really wanted to be friends. Like you might, if I was going to like a new, I was going to dinner with like a new group of people, I wouldn't be like as late as I might be if I was with my friends, for example, I might be like, because they don't know you as well. And it's just like a little weirder. Yeah, there is definitely, this is kind of a separate but related topic. There's an interesting dynamic in likeability where there's kind of like a tryheartedness.

Right. Like when you're meeting new people, there are some people where you get the vibe that they're really trying. They're like bringing the thing. They're making sure they're apologizing. If they're not doing the right thing, they're being really thankful. They're like being a little people pleasery, try hard. I'm going to make an effort to be really nice and likable. And then there's some people that almost have this feeling a vibe of like,

my presence is your present. And so I think that might be a bit of what's going on here. And I do think it matters. Like there's definitely different ranges on that spectrum of how hard people try in social situations. And I think you're more likely to be well liked when you try hard and apologize and are humble and are grateful. Yeah.

I think especially cultural too a little bit. Especially in the beginning, I think of something. Yeah, I think it's cultural, but it's also like, like if I, I say this all the time, like, if you get a new job, you can't show up late on your first day. You can show up late on your like 40th day or even like your 20th day. But like you need to show in the beginning that you care about being there. Right. Because like you're trying to make an impression of who you are and you haven't really like earned the right to not be your best self yet. Yes.

But I do think some people, and this is an interesting conversation, some people feel kind of like I shouldn't have to earn this friendship. Like, I'm going to show up with my bag of Doritos and you either like me or you don't. Like, I shouldn't have to try hard to get you to like me. And if I do, then you're not my people. I don't even know about like try to get you to like me. It's more just like show you that I give a shit. Right. Yeah.

To me. To me. Yeah. Like if someone showed up on like a date, a first date and they were in pajamas, right. You might be like, sure, that's what you wanted to do and I can like you or not. But I'd like to show, I'd like to have a sense that you put some effort in, that you care about being here. Totally.

And I get that. But I do think there is a personality type out there where it's kind of like I don't, I shouldn't have to try. And maybe that's what this is. There's a personality type. It's kind of like, if you love me for me, then I shouldn't have. have to stop off on the way just to bring the thing just to show you that I'm not I get it. I'm not that person either. And I probably would lean towards feeling the way that this listener is feeling.

But I do think there's a personality type out there that's of that ilk of like, you know, I'm just going to show up. And if you really like me, it's not. Then you'll accept me for me, which is showing up with nothing because I'm busy or a bag of Doritos or whatever. Sure. How triggering is this? I think it's a three because she didn't say so sorry.

I'm not bringing anything. I'll get all next time. Yes. I'll bring something. I'll give it a three. If this continues to happen, then it really shows that it's, she's just like really not making an effort. Then I would bump it up. I would give her one more try.

Let's see what happens on the next one. But she did host and host nicely. So maybe it is just more of like a misunderstanding. When I'm hosting, I'm going to do it right. and when I'm coming, I'll bring something if I can. It might be her vibe. So yeah, I'll give it like a two and a half. All right, we did it.

We did it. All right. That's our time. Great work today. Betches.