Oversharing - Am I The Only One Who Hates The Holidays?

Episode Date: November 11, 2025

Dr. Naomi reflects on her Halloween experience now that two of her three children are older and Jordana asks her how she is feeling about being closer to an empty nester than she is to being a new mother. A listener’s babysitter has started to give her child lavish gifts, often pricier than her hourly wage, and she needs a way to politely decline the generous offers. In need of a Betchecist, one woman was asked by a “co-worker” to be a bridesmaid, even though they have spent literally zero time together outside the office, and needs to find a way to bail. After many bad experiences with Thanksgiving as a teen, a listener asks Dr. Naomi for an Intention that can allow her to get through the holiday without emotionally spiraling. A recent bride is floored when her wedding photos were used as family gifts by her sister and law, all while another Betch learns that a friend is spreading lies about her real diamond ring to others. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

A quick note before we get into the episode, Oversharing is a podcast for entertainment purposes only. It is not a medical podcast and does not constitute medical or psychological advice. Always seek the advice of your physician or mental health professional. Hello and welcome back to Oversharing. I'm Jordana Abraham. And I am Dr. Naomi Bernstein. How is your Halloween?

Now it's a couple weeks past it. So, you know. Yeah, it is true. But as we're recording this, it was true. just this past weekend. So it was, it's like a new phase. It's weird being a mom of older kids. Like the two older girls were not with us. They were doing their own thing. Wow. So yeah, we're there. It's funny because I always, I think a lot of people with kids will, or maybe it's just me, I don't know, but I do think a lot of people will kind of picture when they're older or

think about when they get older and how that's going to be. And, like, Like it's kind of here, or at least in this Halloween moment, it felt like it was here. Like. Because the girls are like 12 and 13. Yeah, they're 12 and 13. They went to like their friends' houses and their friends' neighborhoods and we weren't walking around. It was actually funny. Jeff got like this whole three amigos, like Halloween costume.

And he ordered it online. And then it came. And he was like, this is like elaborate. He's like, this is intense. Like I don't think I can wear this, especially when it's like just us. And like Brooks was there and he was with his one little friend. But it just felt like I think we're going a little hard when we're kind of. It's over.

Should be like tailing off a little bit. Oh, okay. So the costumes, the costume stayed in the box. And I mean, he's still dressed up a little. But it's almost like that, you know, how hard do you go and kind of moving to this new stage of life of like we should maybe, you know, we still do have one little one. So like we have it. Right.

Yeah. Yeah. He's prime age. Yeah. He's seven. So he's into it. wore this blow up costume like that looks like an aliens abducting an astronaut. And him and his best friend were the identical costume.

So they're like bobbling around the neighborhood with their like aliens. It was fun. It was really fun. It was really fun. It was great. And we still have, but it was just this weird. Like we didn't get a family photo because they were all rushing to like get dressed and go to their friend's houses. And I think that moment of this isn't the same as it always was. Right. Well, you're not like the primary person that they care about hanging out with for these kinds of things anymore. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Which I could see being kind of sad. There are. But kind of nice too, right? it gets to your own thing. Yeah. So I was trying to kind of be like, hey, we can have a conversation. Like we're not, there's almost like this hectic energy that when you're in it, it's like fun, but it's a little crazy. Like I'm sure some of our listeners are in that stage where they have one kid that's like running one direction. And, you know, it's Halloween can be a little chaotic. And so when you're in it, it's fun, but it's also a little nerve wracking. And it was not that. It was like really chill. And I'm like, we can have a conversation.

we can chat, like we can kind of hang out. It was a Friday night. I'm like, this is something fun to do on a Friday night. But there was a little bit of sadness there of like our, you know, family unit was split up. But I get it. It's great. They have friends. They had a blast.

Well, can I ask you if this ever, you know, as your kids become preteens, is there like a thought of like, what will I do when they're gone, like when they're out of the, like when it's just me and Jeff, like, what will I, what will life be like? Do I have to get a new hobby? Like, do I have to? Well, I don't usually think that, like, I think about when they're like teenagers more and, you know, I guess I do think sometimes, like, even, you know, Lila last night was like, I forget, we were talking about daylight savings time and the time moving and how it's going to be winter. And then I was, you know, talking myself. I'm like, and spring will be back before we know it. And she's like, then I'm going to get to go to high school. And she was like so excited. Like she wants to go

be done with middle school and go to high school so badly. And I did have that thought of like, oh my gosh. And then it's just four years and like you're going to be out of here. Yeah. So I do think about that. I guess I don't, I think about missing them. I don't often think about like what am I going to do with myself. Like I'm never bored. Like I never. Like I never. feel bored. That's good. So I think I think that part of it's going to be nice to be able to have time to do all the things that I want to do or like be bored or you know, I don't know, just so many things that I don't have time to do. Right. I mean, you've got 10 years too until Brooks is out. Yeah, I know. I do have a lot of time. But I do think there is more than that,

there's this aspect of by the time they're like 13, 14, they're spending a lot of time with your friends. You can basically do most of what you want to do aside from like having to carpool or whatever, drive them places. So yeah, there's like this existential thing of your identity. I think there's like an identity as a mom of young kids. And then there's a different identity as a mom of older kids, right? because it doesn't require the same intensity.

Right. You know? And it's almost this weird thing of like I'm shifting more so even than like they're going to be gone. But just my identity shifts around I'm not this like crazed mom of young kids with like a baby on my boob and then one that's climbing the counters. And that's like a whole. Right. That seems all consuming. All consuming.

Right. Now there is this other thing of like straddling the line between like this doesn't feel all consuming. I mean mentally sometimes it feels all consuming because of like schedules and classes and homework and you know, projects and right. But the actual hands on of it doesn't feel all consuming. So it is this adjustment within a pretty short couple years period of time where you have like are kind of changing your identity around what it means to be a parent, which is interesting.

I'm sure. Yeah. So we're going, we're like starting to tiptoe in that direction. But yeah, but then like last night, I have, you know, a 60 pound seven year old like on me all night long. He came in at like 3.30 in the morning. He had a bad dream. So I still do have. Right. You've got time to miss it. Yeah. Like I could do without this. Yeah. Right. But in those moments, like I am more, I think I'm more appreciative. I think sometimes that's why I was But the third one, they're like a little babyed because you're like appreciating. It's like your last X, Y, Z.

Yeah. That's funny. No, that's great. I was in, I was, did not really do Halloween besides for on some podcasts before. But I was in a RUBA for Halloween where it's, Halloween's not really like a thing at all. So it was like it didn't exist. But there were like virtually, there was like no families there because I guess like no kids.

would be like, yeah, let's get out of here for Halloween. Maybe a good time to travel if you're looking for a deal. Yeah, totally. It was a good deal. The Caribbean in October, I think, is a little. Aruba's outside the hurricane belt. So that's kind of why we picked it. Yeah, it was interesting to have like very few kids around any of these like hotels

and stuff. But it did bring me back to that was like our family vacation spot when we were kids. Yep. So I kept, you know, having all these memories. of like all the... It's funny. I feel like when I think of like positive childhood memories, they're mostly from vacations,

which is like kind of... I don't know if that's most people or just us in like the chaos of like what our family was like. But if someone was like, conjure a happy childhood memory, I feel like most of it comes back. And it sucks because like, I don't want to be like,

oh, you have to take your kids on to the Caribbean or like on a nice vacation for them to remember anything. But for me personally, when I think of like moments of like joy and fun and togetherness, you kind of do think of. And maybe again, that might just be like due to our personal family's chaotic nature. No, I do. I think in general it is a time when everyone's kind of like forced to be in the same place.

Like we had a big range, age range spanning, you know, like between everybody. It was like 17, 18 years age difference. So everyone kind of being in the same place at the same time. Doing the same thing. Yeah. Doing the same thing. Like you're all. And that's what connection and like intimacy is.

I talk to couples all the time. It's like you can be in the same space. But when you're doing the same thing, paying attention to the same thing at the same time, that's where you form like these closer connections where you're like, okay, now we're going to go swimming in the ocean. And now we're going to, you know, like everyone's eating all their meals at the same time together, which I think when you have a big family with a bunch of different ages, like you're not even really sitting down to eat all at the same time. Right.

You're kind of more in like a survival mode than like in a bonding. Bonding. Yeah. And you're also like in paradise in someplace beautiful and everyone's in a good mood and nobody's like working. You know, I think it helps when the parents aren't, you know, working and stressing and managing schedules and all of that. So yeah, I think it's kind of, I'd say it's pretty normal to feel that, you know, kind of positive memory from vacations. Although I do think some families

have like stressful vacations where like somebody's anxious because they're out of their element. Sure. Yeah. I don't think we had that. But yeah, I think it's funny because like I was telling Mike about like all the, you know, and me and me and like Becky like would get our hair braided and we go to the like arcade and then we'd go on a banana and I was just kind of like I don't feel like I talk about anything else is like and then we were screaming at each other and we ran after each other with a knife like that's usually how my like childhood like you know what I mean there's like some sort of like weird dysfunctional thing but I'm like no these were like such like fun time and then we'd go to like subway oh my god I was just thinking the subway with the

tuna pickles yeah good right yeah because that was like Because we were a huge family and like we were not doing like nice elaborate like sit down meals. We were doing like everyone. We're going to subway and we're getting like 17 tuna sandwiches. Hence our love of tuna. But yeah, it was just. That's where it all started. But yeah, it must have been like nice.

It must have been nice for Mike to hear you maybe sharing some positive. Like I do think sometimes it can be an overload of like complaining or negativity about it's nice to something. Sometimes get into that headspace of nostalgia. That's really nice. I'm glad you had that experience. Yeah, we had some fun. Our grandparents were always there. It was like literally our whole, it was like 10 people.

Yeah. Really nice. It was like, yeah, it felt like the McAllister's like traveling. Yes. Three vans and like taking up an entire waiting area of the airport. Totally. So that was, yeah, it's nice. Good times.

Good memories. Oh, that's awesome. But yeah, it made me think about, like, future family and, like, how you want to, like, create those things. And, again, I think, I don't think you need to go away on, like, a, you know, Caribbean vacation to do that. But I agree. I think that the formula is, like, everyone doing the same thing together. And that could be, I mean, you do this all the time, but you go to, like, six flags for the day. Yeah.

Or, like, you do a outing where everyone's involved. Yeah. Yeah. I really, I do think it is nice to get out of the routine, the everyday, I think the schedule being, like having these external pulling factors is what takes away from that. Yeah. And even with Mike, it was nice because we, I mean, we live in the same house. We don't even have kids yet. But it didn't, it doesn't feel like the same level of connection when you're kind of like passing each other in the wind between like the shit that you're doing.

Right. And no one's stressed about work or deadlines or whatever. It is, it does, I think that is the, that's really the ingredient is like getting, taking time off and just like doing the same thing and focusing on the people you're with. Yeah. There is something to be said about leaving the house because if you're in, that's why I say about date nights too. Like, yeah, could you technically do like a date night in or could you technically just have a staycation? Yes. But I think then you're going to look around your house and like clean up the dishes and do some laundry and, you know, whatever. household stuff you're going to do that then is just something external that's pulling you away from your bonding time. So anything I think you can do to get out of the routine, I think is really nice. So I'm glad that you had that and that you thought of us. Those were really nice memories. Yeah. All right. Let's get into our show. Good stuff. And if you guys want to leave us a voicemail or email us, the voicemail number is 646363626294.

Or you can email us at oversharing at Betches.com. If you want to subscribe, there's two bonus episodes out every month. You get all the episodes ad free and a day early. Or you can join one of Dr. Naomi's therapy groups. How do they do that? Yes, you can find me at Naomi Bernstein.com. You'll find all the information what the groups are about. And then just send us, you know, a form.

and we'll match you up with a group that works for you. There's definitely openings. Love having new group members. Everyone's so welcoming and warm. So if you're looking for a little community or you're lost or looking for just some support and whatever you're going through, mindfulness-based, we do meditations every single session. Yeah, come hit us up, Naomi Bernstein.com. Love it.

Check it out. All right. Let's get into our show. I'll read our first overshare. Dear Jordana and Dr. Naomi, first of all, I wanted to say a huge congratulations to Jordana and Mike on their baby girls. I've been following your journey since the beginning and it brought happy tears to my eyes when you announced your pregnancy and your surrogate's pregnancy. These little girls are so lucky to have you as their mom. What a nice note. I get so many,

so many nice notes like this. And again, I just want to say I appreciate all the amazing well wishes and kindness from everyone. Okay. I'm writing in for an overshare, looking for advice on how to handle my relationship with my daughter's babysitter. For a little fun backstory, my husband and I actually met on ship. That was the betches dating app. So funny. That is incredible. Back in 2019.

Yeah. That's so cool. Amazing. Yeah. We did. App was short lived, but I've seen a bunch of marriages from it. I mean, I'm sure I've heard about every single marriage from it because they're like probably 10 and they're all like where we met on this app that doesn't exist

anymore. But that's great that who knows what your life would be if this app didn't exist. Look at that. So my husband and I actually met on shit back in 2019 to say I'm a badges fan as an understatement when I basically owe my entire adult life to your company. Now six years later, we're happily married, have a one-year-old daughter and a second little girl on the way. When my daughter was five months old, I used care.com to find occasional babysitters for my daughter. I have the privilege to work from home, so I really only needed someone to come into our home on an as needed basis when I have important virtual meetings. But now, as she's grown and has become more active and takes less naps, I found that I need sitters much more frequently,

or we need to explore traditional daycare facility. One of the sitters in my rotation, I have three total, is a young single mom. Her daughter is around my daughter's age, so she's honestly really great at providing age-appropriate play and caretaking. However, every time she comes over to babysit, she constantly brings brand new stuff. At first, it was smaller items, pacifiers, a blanket, an outfit, a small toy. I thought it was nice that she cared about my daughter and thought maybe their new item she was gifted and just doesn't need for her own daughter. But over time, the presents got larger and larger. For example, she gifted me new Louis Vuitton sunglasses for my birthday, is constantly trying to send me for prepaid pampering like massages and nails.

And the gifts for my daughter keep coming, but now we're talking, $100 plus baby items. It's gotten to the point where it's very awkward. Of course, I want to be kind and accept the generous gifts, but to be completely honest, I need a transactional relationship where I pay you to do a job and you watch my daughter. She's basically gifting items back to us that are worth more than what I'm paying her, leading to the awkward feelings. It's almost like she feels compelled to give presents for attention or to boost her own self-esteem. Since she's a young single mom who is 10 plus years younger than I, I truly think she's doing this as a mechanism to befriend me. But what I really need is a hired babysitter. I feel like a real asshole saying that

out loud. I've tried to tell her to save her hard-earned money, my money, in order to afford to move out of her parents' house, but it isn't clicking. The gifts keep coming and now she prepaid for a photographer to take my daughter's holiday photos, which I need to decline because obviously we will take pictures as a family with my husband in the photo. Things that I don't think she considers, and I feel like an asshole waving my seemingly picture perfect family back into her face when I decline her generosity. What would you do in this situation? I find if I sit on her text to brainstorm a reply, she will double, triple, quadruple text me, always leading to a final text that says, I ordered XYZ for your daughter because I found it so cute. I'll bring it to you next time in hopes that it'll capture my attention because

she will get a reply back when in reality I'm working or being a wife and mom and I'll reply when I have a moment to breathe. Interested to hear your thoughts, especially with your perspectives as a working mom and a working mom to be, signed, I need a babysitter, not a BFF. Hmm. This is a lot. Yeah, this seems like a little like the basis of like a stalking movie or something. Like that's how it starts. Right. Right. Right. Yeah, this is hard. It sounds like she hasn't been able to be firm enough about it, which I get, it is really hard to kind of have to reject somebody when they're trying hard to be really what feels like kind. Right.

When they're only doing something nice, seemingly. Right. But if she's gifting you something that is more than what she's making when she's babysitting, that can't feel good for you either. And I do think she's, her instinct is right that she probably needs to put an end to the, lavish gifts. Like if this was a company or a corporation, this, you know, wouldn't really fly. There's like rules against this type of thing.

So that exists for a reason because you're like blurring the lines or I mean, she's not asking for a raise while she's doing it. It doesn't sound like she's asking for anything. She's not asking to like sleep over or become a live in. Well, it sounds like she does, the money isn't even really the enticing thing. It sounds like it's like the friendship. That's the reason she wants. this job or, you know, something seemingly like close to that, which is, I think,

seems one-sided here. Right. Or maybe, I don't know, maybe it's an assumption that she's looking for friendship. I don't know. She doesn't say, she's not asking her to like hang out for free outside of the babysitting situation. So why would someone do this then? It's a really good question.

I mean, I guess maybe her assumption of like she's trying to just. just maybe she's trying to like level the playing field a little bit like we're both moms but like I like a feeling of like I don't want to be an employee like I don't want to be under you as in you're my boss I'm an employee so maybe this feels like it's kind of leveling them we're giving you the money back like our daughters are just having a play date and like we're going to take the money out of it I could see why she thinks that's what it is but if that were the case I would assume instead of gifts, she would be asking her to like hang out. Right.

But maybe she thinks they are hanging out when she's watching the daughter. Right. Or something. Right. Right. It seems like she texts her a lot. Yeah. Yeah.

Or that, that thing that I could see is really hard where she's like, do you think so and so would like this? And then she doesn't respond, trying to like create a little space. And then she's like, okay, I'm going to go ahead and buy it. And then 10 minutes later, like, okay, got it. I'll bring it on two. It feels like very, yeah, intense. To me, and I don't get, I don't, I don't, I'm not, I'm, I'm, I'm not always like you with like the honesty is the, the way I would go. Just being conflict avoidant. To me, it represents a little bit of a poor judgment on the babysitter's part. And the consistency would make me kind of feel like, all right, I don't know if this is worth continuing. to like hire this person.

Right. Especially if she's one of three people in her rotation. Like that's the other thing. I could even see this happening if this is like our number one nanny person. You know? Yeah. Maybe she wants to become. Maybe she's looking for more hours.

Maybe she's looking for more. But that doesn't make sense. Why not just use the money she's buying for the gifts and not work for them? Right. Totally. It doesn't really make a lot of sense. But she's one of three people. in her rotation. So I, that idea is like, we're this, I'm not even like your daughter's number one

caretaker and the intensity of this is a lot. So yeah, I, I, I think she can just back off of when she like, like, use the other two more. We don't really need, we not, you know, I, uh, you know, we've decided to do more daycare situation or my other nanny, like is, you know, going to pick up more hours. Yeah, whatever it is. Like, if you didn't really want to address it, I mean, the holiday photographer thing, I feel like, I don't know, how do you say no to a, to a, to a, to a gift? Right. I think it has to be a broader conversation of like, you know, kind of saying, hey, I really appreciate how much thought you give to my daughter and you're, you know, you've given her all these really thoughtful gifts. But if I'm being honest, it's starting to make me feel uncomfortable that you're spending so much money on her. when I want this to be,

to be, you know, kind of more of a professional relationship. And I love that you love her. And if you want to buy her, like, you know, even just being really honest, in the beginning, like little things, like a little stuffed toy or something, I could see.

But these more expensive gifts make me feel uncomfortable. And it makes me feel like you're not getting enough out of this relationship financially. And that doesn't make me feel good, which I think is ultimately what's happening, she's like, why am I paying you? I want to pay you. Or it does sound like her fear is that this person's looking for a best friend.

Right. Or that's the way that it's leaning. Or the lines are just blurred. Blurred. Right. Yeah. And I think she could say, you know. She's like, I don't want to have to.

And I think it's like it does take mental energy to deal with the like, well, well, now do I owe you a gift? What, like is it? Well, yes, that's true. Like when Christmas time comes around or it's her birthday and she's like, I don't really feel like. spending $500 on a pair of sunglasses or whatever it is. Right.

Yeah. But now it's added another layer of like kind of stress to this relationship, which is supposed to just kind of like be a very straightforward situation of like, I give you money. You watch my daughter and then you leave and we're like done. Yep. Yeah. And these things can, you know, when someone's coming in and taking care of your kid,

those lines can easily get blurred. This seems because expensive gifts are involved, it seems very obvious. But sometimes that can happen in smaller ways where either way, either you're asking them for a little too much or they're wanting to be around too much or there's lots of issues around how bonded kids are getting to their nannies or their caretakers that can feel uncomfortable. So it can be a sticky type of situation. But in this one, I think either piece of advice, either one,

just calling it out and saying, hey, I appreciate it. I'm so nice that you're thinking of her and thinking of me, but I don't feel comfortable with it. And I prefer for this to be more of a professional relationship, either that or just start to back off of how often you're using her if you have two other people that you can rely on. Right. Because I'm sure she's great with her daughter, but I do think that like there would be a little bit of an extra element of like, are you a little mentally unstable? I don't want to say that buying

gifts for someone else's kid makes you unstable, but like, I would say spending this amount. Yes. And quadruple texting someone to me would be like, again, I'm not a mom yet. I don't have like, it might, it might indicate some level of like, do I fully trust your judgment? Right. Yeah, I can see that. And look, I'm sure she's fine, but I don't, think you need to get rid of her because she's going to do something to your daughter, like make a poor choice. But yeah, I think you could slowly kind of like lean out of this if that, if your dander's up around it. And it is taking up space in your mind, which is precious. Right. So much so that she's writing in here. Yeah. And not necessary if you have two other people.

So I don't think you have to fire her, but I maybe just like, you know, wean down, wean off of how often you're using her. I'm sure she's going to react. So you can feel free to write back when that happens. Because if you stop calling her and asking her, I'm sure she's going to be like, hey, do you need me this week or whatever it is, which is why sometimes the honest, straightforward approach is the best because then you don't have to be waiting for the. Right. Yeah. I mean, here's the thing. You got nothing really to lose by sending her next time she tries to like tell you she's buying something to say, this makes me uncomfortable. And, you, you know, you're going to And, you know, I appreciate it.

But like, I'm not really looking like it just doesn't make me feel good about the nature of our relationship. Right. And we've had this with like mother-in-laws, you know, with like in-laws where there, you want to buy the hot wheels truck or whatever for Christmas and the in-laws are buying it or they're buying something more than what you can afford. And you have to have this conversation, which is like, I appreciate the gesture, but it's making me uncomfortable.

Right. Which I think is fair. It's not easy to say, but I don't think you're, you know, someone could ever come back and be like, I can't. I mean, she could say whatever she wants, but I think it's a reasonable ask to say these large gifts are making me uncomfortable. Right. As you would in any other professional corporate setting. Right. These large gifts make, it's a normal feeling.

Like nobody, because it does kind of feel like nothing for nothing, you know, like what are you trying to. Right. get out of this. And everyone is trying to get something. There's no one who's like completely unmotivated by just wanting you to have Louis Vuitton sunglasses or whatever. Yeah. Yeah, it's hard. This is a tough one. This is, I could see why she's stuck around this, especially if she likes the care that she's giving her daughter. But yeah, I think you're well within your rights to say it's making you uncomfortable. Probably be good practice for you. Yeah. To be able to do this because it might be something else at another point. It is very hard to reject someone who's being kind.

Right. But sometimes that needs to be done because, like you said, there's like a little bit of a something off in terms of their like perception and judgment and like social cues. No such thing is a free lunch. Yeah. As they say, an economics class. Anyway, let's do a betchesist. Okay, I will read this. Hi, Jordan. And Dr. Naomi, thanks for all the great work you do and huge congratulations to Jordana. I'll jump right in. Last summer, I started a new job. At the orientation, I met another girl around my age and we hung out one time when we went to drinks with other people who were also new at work.

Since we don't work in the same department, I rarely saw her in the office and we didn't hang out outside of work. Last winter, we decided to get lunch around the holidays, marking the second time we ever hung out outside of work. Here she handed me a note that asked me to be a bridesmaid at her upcoming wedding. I was shocked and said yes in the moment, largely because I simply did not know what to do. This was last winter. In the time between then and now, I've only hung out with her one additional time when she needed help with something around her house, and we don't see each other at work. The last time I had texted her was when I told her I couldn't make it to her out-of-town bachelor's party this summer until yesterday, when she texted me to ask if I'd purchase. my bridesmaids dress. This is great. They met three times. Yeah, this is right. It's three times.

Her wedding is coming up in January and I'm feeling very awkward about being a part of it, especially since we interact even less than we already did when she asked me last year. What do you guys think? Can I have a conversation with her about dropping out of the bridal party? What would that entail? Should I just go along with it? I can't imagine we will speak again if either of us moves jobs. So I feel awkward being in the wedding party photos. Can you see a way to only peripherally be involved in the wedding party? I'm at a loss. Thanks again.

This is very funny. Yeah, this is a lot. It's, you know, I actually hear this more than you would think. No, really. Maybe not to this extent where it's three times. This is a lot. But I do hear these situations where there are some women that I guess are kind of like grasping for bridesmaids.

Right. Yeah. To me, this woman, it doesn't, to me, I don't necessarily think this woman

thinks that they're really good friends. I think she needs bodies. She needs bodies. Yes. I can't imagine that she thinks you're good friends. I think it's almost like,

you're an accessory at her wedding. Maybe her partner has like a big group of like 10 friends or something. And she just needs people to fill the space. Yeah. It's like, I love you, man. Have you seen that movie? No.

Paul Rudd. Well, Paul Rudd is like, white, he's like getting married to Rashida Jones and she has like this huge group of friends and there she's and like he feels embarrassed that he doesn't really have anyone to like be a groomsman. So he like sets out to like try to make friends like fill out a wedding party. Yes. Yes. Especially it doesn't even sound like this woman is making effort. I could see if she was like trying to become your friend. Right.

And wants. It's like manifesting that you guys are close friends and want to in her bridal party. It does seem very like two of the four times that they've like spoken have been about this wedding. Right. Like the bachelor at party and now the wedding dress and they hung out like two other times. So it seems pretty transactional. I feel bad.

I almost like it's hard. I've heard this before too where a lot of people when they meet. their partner, they become that girl who doesn't attend to their friendships, loses friends, and then pops back up when it's time for a bridal party. I don't know if that's this situation, but it's a tough spot. And look, you can go and just realize what this is. Right. You're just an accessory like the flowers on the table and, you know, put put the dress on, show up. You're just going to be one person in the, you know, in the thing to even out the sides and have a good time and enjoy it. Yeah. I kind of agree. I mean, she's like, I feel weird being in the in the photos.

Like that's on the bride. Yeah. She chose you like they're not, you're not keeping the pictures. You're not paying for the pictures. Yeah. Right. Yeah. To me, it's more like if you really don't want to go to the wedding, I would drop out. If you're going to go to the wedding anyway, like it would almost be it's still kind of weird that she even invited her to the wedding given that they've haven't right not like particularly close friends so I could see like I don't even really want to go to this wedding I don't really know her or anyone else at this party right but I think if she's like the kind of person who wouldn't mind go into a wedding where she doesn't really know anyone then like just be the bridesmaid like who really cares it's like one day it's kind of a funny story it's almost like

worth it to go for the story of like what are you doing this weekend I'm actually go I'm actually a Bridesmaid for a woman that I met from work that I met twice. And like, I'm not really sure why, but I'm conflict avoidance. So I just am the bridesmaid. And I would be like, I would love to hear that story from someone. Right. Well, she does. I mean, the other side is she does have to buy the dress, which is kind of annoying.

That's probably like a chunk of money there that she has to spend on this. That would be a big factor for me. Like she said no to the, to the, to the, to the, to the, to the, Bacheloride party, which I would have done to. Doesn't seem like the other, the person cared. I would see like how ugly is the dress? How much does it cost? If it's like kind of cute, I could wear it again. I kind of like, I think I'm like if it was like a $500 dress that I'm never going to wear again, that would make me drop out. But I think if it's like, and wedding gift then on top of that, right? Right. Now she's got $500 dress plus a wedding gift for someone that she's like barely knows. That's probably why she's writing it now,

because she just asked her about the dress. Like, did you get your dress? So now's like she's got to put her money where her mouth is for this wedding and this bridal party thing. So that might be the deciding factor. If you're like, I can't, I really don't want to spend on this dress. Like you said, I'm never going to wear it or I don't. Then I think you can, you know, kind of say, oh, what? I would just be like, you know, I'm really sorry.

I actually don't really think I can make it to the wedding. Like something. I would, I would lie. I know you don't like that. I would be like, you know, my grandma just made her birthday party date and I can't miss it. Like, I would make something up. I know, I know you frown upon that. But I would just, I don't think like, it's not even like there's any relationship to keep by being honest.

Yeah, or you could be honest about the cost of the dress. Yeah, she wants to buy you the dress. Right. Like if it really is this issue of like, I don't know you. I don't want to spend money. on this dress that I'm never going to wear again. Look, I agree with your advice. If she's likes a party, wants to go meet some new people, maybe you're single. Yeah, you want to go to a wedding and meet some new people and you think it'll be fun. I wouldn't worry about the grand significance

of being in the wedding photos. Like, I have people in my wedding party that I don't speak to anymore. So that happens. It's the bride's paying for the pictures. That's her problem. Right. And she picked you. Yeah. So if you want a party, you want to have fun, you like the dress. you'd wear it again, I'd say go for it. Get a new hinge profile pick. Right, exactly, exactly. If you're not into going to parties where you don't know anyone and you don't feel like spending the money on the dress, I think you can honestly at this dress juncture say,

hey, this, I really, you know, it's not in my budget to spend this much money on a dress. Totally understand if it doesn't work out for me to be in the wedding party, but I just want to be honest about like how I don't want to do it begrudgingly and it's really stressing me out to think about spending XYZ on this bridal party dress which is what someone would say if they don't want to be friends like if you got if a regular person that you were actually friends with said that that might be friendship ending right it's kind of like pony up the four hundred dollars we're friends like we've been friends for 10 years right but in this case if it's friendship ending there's not really a friendship there to begin with so I think you could

make it about the cost of the dress, which it maybe ultimately is. Yeah. That could be her deciding factor. But yeah, if you, again, if you don't mind any of that stuff, the dress is kind of cute. I think you could go. I wouldn't feel guilty about going or being in it. It doesn't sound like the bride's expecting you to be her best friend. I wouldn't volunteer for any bridesmaid duties or help.

I would just be there as a body to stand up there so the bride can feel like she has friends. Right. And I think it's mostly like for the photos probably, you know, like she. Yeah. And so maybe so that no one at the wedding thinks she hasn't have any friends, which is kind of sad. That is kind of sad. It's actually funny because I was looking for maybe this could be a new service. I was looking for ways to volunteer with the kids.

And they have this volunteer program that's basically, and this is like sad, but it is kind of similar. or like kids that don't maybe are like in foster care or move around a lot or they don't have, they're not in the same school and able to like make consistent friends. So they want to throw them a birthday party and they want other kids to fill out the birthday party. Oh, that's nice. So it's like a community service thing where you can bring your kids to some other kids' birthday that they don't know. And they just like have fun and celebrate this kid's birthday as like a community service project. So if you're in need of bridesmaid, maybe you can sign up.

I think there is a surface where you can hire a bridesmaid. I feel like I've seen that from when I hosted Betch's brides. Like you can be a bridesmaid for hire. Oh my gosh. I wonder what it would be, what the qualifications are. Like what would make the ideal bridesmaid for hire? Likes the dance. Looks good in a lot of whatever weird colors and dresses you pick out.

Photogenic. has a good down for a good time and helpful. Right. Attractive, but not too attractive. You don't want them to be. Exactly. We're looking for someone in like the five, six range. Exactly.

And then, well, yeah, and then if you go back to our last episode a couple weeks ago, then you can definitely stipulate whose cleavage is showing at the church because you're paying them. Yes. Oh, my gosh. So, yeah, maybe she should have done that. instead of this. So yeah, this is an interesting one. I think if you're down for a party, go.

If you're not, I blame it on your budget and back out. It's funny. I can't imagine, like, I can't imagine asking someone, like, with a straight face that I had only met two times before. Yeah. To be my bridesmaid and not, like, prefacing it with. I know we're not that close. Right. This might be weird or, but.

Yeah. ballsy. Yeah. Impressive. Ballsy. And people will do anything to make their wedding photos look nice. I guess so. Yeah. I mean, you need those likes. All right. Let's do some intentions. Hello, Dr. Naomi and Jordana. I'd love some help setting some intentions for my most dreaded time of the year. Thanksgiving. The holiday has always caused me anxiety ever since I was a kid. Growing up, I disliked the food and always felt scolded by my extended family for only eating rolls. Then in high school, I had an obvious eating disorder and it felt like everyone was always over-analyzing my plate. I hated it so much that I got a retail job and always volunteered to work the holidays so I could avoid it. Now as an adult and a mom, it's unavoidable. We celebrated my mother-in-law's house and she puts a lot of effort into making sure I feel welcome and that there's plenty of dishes I can eat. I've been a strict vegetarian for over 10 years, but I still dread the day.

I'm an anxious wreck for the weeks leading up and end up being snappy and rude to, towards my husband. I don't want to pass down this food related anxiety to my kids and I don't want my husband's family thinking it's anything personal towards them. Any intentions and exercises to mentally prepare would be greatly appreciated. Thanks. No thanks. Petch. Yeah, I, these childhood associations are really embedded and it sounds like her Thanksgiving now is lovely and her mother-in-law tries to make her stuff that she likes and can be comfortable and it's not the way that it used to be, but it's still hard to shake that association. And that's around all holidays. Like I, you know, we've probably heard this before,

but like therapists will oftentimes get like a lot more calls and people wanting to start therapy either during the holidays or right after the holidays or just leading up to the holidays because there's so, there's like this every year association with something happening one way or the other that just, I think, puts your nervous system on overload. Triggers some probably opposite of the lovely family vacation memories that I shared earlier. But yeah, I think that's true. And I think that for someone who maybe has had a complicated relationship with food, a holiday where like the whole holiday is basically eating, I think could give you anxiety.

Like just, you know, that being like the basically the central focus of the day. Right. And I do wonder, I wish you were here or gave us some more information about it. Is it still about the food? Right. Is it about the way that her family made her feel around food in the past? is it's still about the food because it does sound like her food needs are being catered to in terms of vegetarian dishes and having things that she's saying make her more comfortable

to eat, but maybe just the idea of like, you know, just the conversation and people saying, oh, it's delicious and, you know, just the whole, like you said, holiday being about the food, if that still makes her anxious because she's struggling with her relationship. with food, which I think is worth her exploring, if that's the case. Or maybe it really just is this old wiring of like, I get anxious at this time of year. That can, that's like a very real thing too, whether it's around loss that happened in a certain season. And then that season, just the sensory input of that season, like that first chill or the smell of leaves on the ground or whatever, like can bring up those old feelings of anxiety. We're so tuned into

protecting ourselves that just this whole time, like she said weeks leading up to it, she's like snaggy with her husband and just the association of this time of year and what it used to mean. Yeah. I could totally feel that I don't really like Thanksgiving either, not about like for like the food situation of it, I think. But I think we would always, you know, our mom would always tell us we could go with our dad. We would like disperse. But then there was like our dad didn't really have like a house. So we would go to dinner.

But then we'd always be fighting. And there would just be like a lot of like chaotic fighting. And like all the girls just like screaming. I just never felt like. And I think there is this like TV version of these holidays that you see where everyone is like on Instagram or like love it. sweaters and the perfect turkey in the middle of the table. And the families all together and like looking forward to it and excited. And then I think you can feel a sense of like this doesn't feel like it feels not only do I am I not looking forward to this.

And I kind of go with Mike's family now on Thanksgiving anyway. But it's just like, but I feel a little weird about how excited everyone else is for this thing. Right. Well, interesting for you, right? because like you said, we went with our dads on Thanksgiving, so we had very different Thanksgiving memories. Right. And I really like Thanksgiving.

I think it was a different vibe. Like he was remarried and they had more of that like picture perfect, you know, traditional setup. Yeah. It was like a setup. Yeah. But now that like you do have kind of a more traditional picture perfect. I'm sure Mike's mom probably makes a beautiful.

Thanksgiving. Lovely. But it still doesn't, I kind of get what she's saying, where it still doesn't feel like something I'm so excited for. Well, you probably just, you aren't connected the same way like Mike and his parents and maybe his siblings or whoever's there. Like you're not connected to the nostalgia of it.

Right. The way that they are. You're just like in that moment. Like you're kind of like in this moment, this is great. But that's all it means to me. And I'm also fighting. against what it used to mean to me. Right.

So it's like the moment, maybe minus five because you're like, you know, you have this old association, which is for some people, it's like the moment plus five. Like a rubo was probably like the moment. Right. Plus five because you like had this positive association. So yeah, I get this. And I think, and maybe you can practice this too is kind of, you know, opening yourself up to the new experience.

I think sometimes what happens is you're almost like protective of your own associations. Like that's your childhood. So sometimes it feels like leaning into somebody else's. I think people can go either way with this. Like sometimes you marry into something that feels like healthy and normal and nice and pleasant. And you can be like, yes, I'm leaning so hard into that. Like I'm going to do all the things.

I'm going to bake three dishes. I'm going to be a part of this. Right. But for some people, that feels a little bit like maybe fake or phony or I'm like rejecting my truth. Even if it is. Yes. Yes.

I'm like rejecting this truth of like, wow, I really feel about this holiday. So I'm kind of just going to be like guarded and like not exactly lean in entirely to this thing because it's not mine. Like it doesn't feel like me. It feels like if I'm pretending that it's me. But I would, you know, challenge yourself there with that. You know, like see, because you are going to have, this is for you and for her, you are going to, God willing, have like more of your life in this new environment than you did in that old environment.

So the sooner you can kind of lean in and be like this is an opportunity to have a reparative experience and lean in differently. Yeah, and to think of it as like its own new, unique experience and sort of separate the two is probably helpful. Yeah, and also like honor your own pain around it. Like I think that's part of it too. Like in those weeks leading up, I think instead of like maybe that's why you're snapping at your husband because she's like, you know, not honoring what was there. Like there's some pain there. You know, we talked last week a little bit of. about like the rain meditation, which I'm going to talk more about on our subscription episode,

but it's really beneficial when you feel like you're rejecting an emotion that you're having. Like maybe you are still sad about for that teenage girl that had to sit at the table and have everyone staring at her. And all you want to do is like run away and not eat, but like you're forcing whatever that was. Like maybe there's still some grief there for her. maybe you are still struggling with food stuff or even the criticism for when you were a little kid. Like there's always that kid that only wants to eat like rolls at Thanksgiving, you know, because a lot of that food is like heavy and it's intense and I get it. But yeah, I think this is a good opportunity to maybe do some healing for yourself around like what was.

And this is for you too, right? The two of us will take this intention. Yes. And we all can do it. Like I'm going to talk about on the subscription episode, like how I walk through, walk myself through the rain meditation when I felt like there was some wounds that were being triggered. It's really, it's a great way to recognize like, okay, there's something here that is causing

trouble in my current life that's old perhaps and, or it doesn't have to be old, but there's something here. And I'm going to like just allow myself to have my feelings. like of pain or loss or maybe there is something like, oh, I feel jealous that I didn't, I'm not fully a part of this and I didn't grow up with this. Right. Or anger about like, you know, divorce and being split up.

And I know you missed me so much on Thanksgiving. Of course. We weren't together. But there probably was a thing of like, hey, they get to go and have this like normal. Right. Thanksgiving. Everything's like set up for them and everything, right?

It's great and everyone's getting along. And I'm getting like Boston Market and sitting, you know, like, sitting around this like table with just the sisters and everyone's like kind of angry. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Maybe there's some leaning in to do around that for you, for her, around just, you know, these little moments where there's something here.

Right. That's what's asking to be seen when you're anxious for weeks before. And maybe it's food and weight and body image and whatever. or maybe it's just the loss of the joy of Thanksgiving when you were a kid because you were so distracted by this whole thing. Love that. Okay. So what's her intention for when she starts to feel that anxiety?

Yeah. So I will tune in to what's in my heart and open to a new experience. So like, seeing what's there, there's something there that's hurting you, allow it. I would do the rain meditation. around it, which we can talk more about, but and then tune in to the idea that maybe you can have a new reparative experience around this holiday, which will be beautiful because you'll have the next 50 years of enjoying it. Yeah.

I agree. You've got the whole, there's a whole second half of life Thanksgiving here. So lean in. I will too. And if you want that episode where Naomi talks about the rain method will be out on Thursday. So if you are interested in subscribing, want to check it out. Check it out there. You get a seven-day free trial if you're kind of just want to see what we're all about.

Yeah. All right. Let's do some triggers. Let's do it. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi. I have a triggered scenario for you that is actually my friend's triggered, but I thought it would be a fun one to get your takes on. So my friend, let's call her Jane, just got married this summer.

She just got back her beautiful photos from the wedding and shared the link with various friends and family members, including her now brother-in-law, let's call him Ryan. And his girlfriend, let's call her Emily. So the husband's brother. The husband's brother. I have to read this a few times. Emily and Ryan have been dating for a couple of years. Today, Emily texted Jane to casually let her know that she got a puzzle made on Etsy

depicting one of the professional pictures from the wedding to gift to Ryan slash Jane's husband's grandmother. The picture was only of Jane, her husband, and their dog. Nobody else in the family was in the photo. I didn't personally find this part that triggering, more so just kind of weird, but also understood Jane not loving this. Here's the crazy part. Jane had a feeling this wasn't the only picture Emily was planning to use as a Christmas

present. So even though Jane didn't say anything about the puzzle, she did let Emily know that she developed a bunch of pictures from her wedding and was planning to be a little. planning to frame them to give as Christmas gifts to family members in case Emily had the same idea. Emily responded, thanks for letting me know, I did have the same idea. That was good heads up thinking. Yeah. So I don't think I would have necessarily thought of that. Yeah. Jane was very triggered by this because these were the pictures from her own wedding and a non-family member was planning to gift them to her family as Christmas presents. Something Jane was already planning to do.

I'd be triggered too. I mean, you spend thousands of. on wedding photos, the least you should be able to do is have to not worry about figuring out Christmas presents for everyone that year. We encouraged Jane to politely request she not do that as they are pictures from her wedding day and she was already planning to frame them for people. Jane did so, saying that she appreciated the thought, but really preferred for her and her husband to be able to share the pictures themselves. Emily said she understood, but she already bought the frames. But she would just put pictures from a recent family vacation. They all went on instead. dead. Luckily, Emily agreed to not gift the pictures, but we were all pretty shocked that she went so

far as to purchase frames for these photos that did not belong to her. Can't wait to hear you guys hash this one out. It was clearly the hot topic in our group chat today, LOL, thanks, something borrowed. This seems like really sweet to me. I don't know. I don't really see what the issue is here. Besides like, I think, I agree. I think it's sweet. I wouldn't, like, I could see myself doing this and not thinking, oh, what if Jane wants to use these as Christmas presents? But great. She was had the forethought to realize, oh, she might have the same idea I do. Right.

Told her. She backed off and said, I'll use the frames for something else. Right. I think this was handled well. It's triggering that she had the idea. I guess to do it. I think what's triggering is that she not only had the idea, but like went so far as to implement the idea without checking with her.

Like can I, do you mind if I use your photos? Right. As gifts, I think is what's triggering. Like not asking for permission, almost like a copyright thing or something. Like, yeah. I mean, maybe it's because I think maybe there's a little, it sounds to me like there's a little possessiveness of like the in family group and the out family group. Non family member.

Would it bother her if like a cousin did this? Yeah. I mean, when Mike and I got engaged, you actually gave us like a scrapbook of like all the pictures from like all the trips that we took. Right. Together. And never, that there was never a thought in my mind of like,

you took my pictures that I like took from all these things and like used it as a gift. Right. It seems like there's no, I can't imagine a negative intention on the behalf of the. It sounds like she's trying really hard to be like ingratiated into the family. Yeah. And I think almost the idea that the photo that she chose was just of Jane's family, I think that's even like a little bit nice.

It's nice. It's like you took this is like a beautiful picture of your little family and I'm going to give it to his grandmother. Because it's like such a beautiful picture of your family. It has nothing to do with me. I'm not in it. Right. Even like my boyfriend is not in it. Yeah, I'm not trying to put my face around your whole family's like house yet.

Right. Like it's just this like I, this is a beautiful picture. I think your grandmother would love this beautiful picture from your wedding framed. I think what's bugging her is that like she wanted to do it. And now it felt like her idea was less special or that she almost like that would have been annoying. That would have been annoying if she would have done. done it and they both show up to Christmas with like the same exact gift and it was her photos.

That would have been annoying. But the fact that you stopped it before it happened and then she was like, okay, I'll use the frames for some family, you know, family vacation picks. No problem. Right. I think this was handled perfectly and well and it wasn't mean of her to have the idea. Yeah. To me, this seems like maybe you don't like her.

She doesn't like her. Yeah. Or there's like, I do think sometimes you get this. I don't know if she's the only girl in the family. And there's like another, the brothers has the girlfriend. And she's kind of like, I'm like the alpha female here. But I'm the thoughtful, crafty, creative one that's going to like be the family creative gift giver. That's not you.

I want to, that's my role to give grandma like the framed photo. You know, you can just show up with a gift card. And that will be a good gift. Right. She almost doesn't want her to be like going the extra mile. Yeah. So I would maybe examine that. I mean, again, like it seems a little petty to be like mad at her for something that she was trying to do that was thoughtful. If it actually happened, maybe I'd give it like a four because it would be like annoying and they are your pictures that you paid for. Fine. Right. The fact that it didn't happen and she just had the same thought as you, I would give it like a two. Like it actually seems really sweet. Like she seems to she seems really.

She's trying to like get in with the family and like give a thoughtful gift. And she's also trying to say like your photos are awesome. I do get it. I'm going to give it a three because I wouldn't be triggered personally. But I think what's triggering this listener is that she didn't say, Hey, these photos are so awesome. Would you mind if I print some of them up and give them to grandma. for Christmas.

Like, you know, I think the not asking, I think is the hard part, but. I guess maybe she wanted to be like a little surprise. A surprise. She was probably going to do one for you too. Yeah, I, yeah, two and a half even. I don't, I, I, I agree. I don't think there's anything to be mad at here. If Mike got some pictures framed from like Lila's bat mitzvah and gave everyone one for

Hanukkah, would you be like, those are my pictures? at all because I wasn't going to do that, I guess. Like I would not, I would actually be flattered. I would think it was like so thoughtful and sweet that right. Yeah. This was such a special occasion that everybody would love a photo. Like I just think it is a really sweet gesture. I think if that was my plan and my plan was like now I feel like, oh, that was obvious. Like that wasn't such a unique idea or. Right. Well, it wasn't. There you go. Surprise. Surprise.

It was not a unique idea. I know. I agree. I think this was sweet. I'm glad it didn't happen. I'm really, I'm just thankful that you thought, oh,

wow, I wonder if she's going to do more of this and thought to put that out there because that would have been way more annoying. Although what would it, if I'm sure you would have picked two different photos. So like what would have the problem really been

if you want to step back and look at it? Like wouldn't be the craziest thing if grandma has two different photos from your wedding framed. Like, okay. Must you pick the same exact photo. Yeah, I think this person's like annoyed that this person's like encroaching on her family role of whatever she is. There is a bit of like a brother, sister-in-law thing. We've gotten an email about that of like the sister that was like too involved and the baking cookies and. Yeah.

Yeah, I think sisters can be a little possessive over their brothers. Tell Emily, if she wants to frame my wedding photos, I haven't done any of that yet. It's been four years. It's been almost four years. If she wants to do that, she can, she can come over. I'll send her the link. Send them on over. Send them to all our family members. Totally. I have so many, like, photos from events that are still sitting on the computer. Yeah. Well, yeah. We'll take her up on that. Send her our way. All right.

All right. Let's do one more. I will read it. Hi, Jordan and Naomi, huge fan of the show. Tuesdays feel a little less Tuesday-ish when I get to start them with you both. I really value the way you talk through interpersonal dynamics and the advice you offer. I use it all the time in my own life. I have a triggered scenario I'd love your take on. I'm part of a very close-knit friend group. However, there's one girl in the group. Let's call her Sophie, who I don't feel as close to. Our personalities don't mesh. I'm more of a people-pleaser while she's more confrontational and tends to push for her preferences or stir up. necessary disagreements. Recently, we were at a birthday party for a mutual friend. Sophie left early, and later I was chatting with some of the birthday girl and Sophie's mutual friends that I don't know very well. I complimented one girl's engagement ring. We got married around the same time, and she said very casually, thank you. Sophie told me your ring was Moistenight also.

Just to be clear, I have zero issues with Moise Knight. It's gorgeous and absolutely a personal choice. But my engagement ring is a diamond ring. My husband Hans selected the center stone and designed the ring around it himself. It's meaningful to me on an emotional level and I'm very proud of it. I was caught off guard and I didn't want to make it weird or seem like I was judging hers. So I just said, oh, mine's actually a diamond and then move the conversation along. But it has been bothering me ever since.

The comment was made in front of others and now I feel like people think I'm lying about my ring. I don't know why Sophie would say that or when or to whom. makes me feel weirdly embarrassed, like I either correct the record and look materialistic or let it go and sit with people thinking I'm fake or performative. So how triggered am I allowed to be with Sophie? And if I do choose to bring it up, what's the non-weird, non-obsessive, non, I care too much about jewelry way to do that? Thanks so much for your insight. Sincerely, a betch who is just trying to polish her reputation. This is funny. Yeah, this is funny. I think the triggering part of this is that she was talking about her and her ring more so than like this little interaction that

she had with the friend. Right. It seems like the, it seems like, and she isn't saying this, but it seems like the friend, like Sophie was like trying to talk shit about her. Yeah. In some way. Yep. Or like, you know, take her down a little, whatever. Yeah. They probably, maybe she posted a picture of it on Instagram. And then someone was like, oh my God, that ring was so beautiful. like, yeah, it's Moisanite or whatever, like, just to like knock it down. Like, how else does that conversation happen? Right. Especially if she's saying that she's the type that pushes her preferences or stirs up

unnecessary disagreements. And it sounds like she's just like a little bit more of like a shit talker. Right. So that would be my thought. It's like, oh, she's like, she was like making fun of me in some way or something. She was using this thing. But again, she's like, love Moise Knight's beautiful. Absolutely no issue with it.

But mine's a diamond. I've got a diamond. Yeah, totally. I think her, I think she's getting a little bit down a rabbit hole to think that other people that overheard the conversation are going to think that she really doesn't like Moistenight and she really is materialistic because she corrected the record. Right. Like if I overheard that she's lying. Yes, or that she's lying. If I overheard that conversation, I would think she did nothing wrong. she said, oh, it's so funny, we both have Moisanite.

And she said, no, actually, mine's a diamond. Move along. Like, I would be like, think, not think twice about that. She said something wrong. Right. She corrected her. Move on. I don't think it was as awkward as it, like, or it came off as, I mean, I guess we are laughing.

But she's like, actually, mine's a diamond. But I don't think there's anything wrong with just correcting that. It's like, the tone. I agree. Because she said, like, someone told me this about you. And she's like, oh, actually, this is the case. She wasn't like, oh, no. Like, it's definitely, definitely a dime.

Like, definitely not. Right. It doesn't sound like, it sounds like she said it. Right. Yeah. Sounds like she said it casually enough to where she just like casually corrected her without making it a thing. Yeah. Yeah, totally.

I think she's getting a little in her head about the part two. The part one where this girl was like talking about her and her ring and like making an assumption about it. Look, I would be flattered. It probably is like really big. And she was probably like, how could they afford that? And then she's like, oh, it's probably this or was just trying to push her down. I mean, I don't even know anything about diamond rings or Moisan night. It's the first time I've, I had to look it up before we did this episode. I'm assuming it's a cheaper version. So yeah, it's just not a, it's not a real diamond. So it's like a lot of expensive version or, but it looks like one.

Right. Yeah. And I could. Love the concept. Right. Right. And I, I mean, I could see why she'd be like annoyed that everyone thinks that it's, that someone's telling someone that it's not real when it is. I could see why you're like, that's just not.

Like if it was, if that was the case, I would own it. But it's just like not. And so even if it was moistenite, it's kind of annoying that someone was. Right. Telling everyone. Yeah. That it gets back to you that someone was speculating about. what your ring was, which is, look, people do that, but it's almost better if it doesn't get back

to you that they were doing that? Where it's like, now you know that they were having some conversation about your ring. Right. And now she has to worry about sounding like an asshole if she does clarify. So I could see being triggered and irritated and also just feeling like though there's someone out there who's like kind of like being a bitch to me behind my back and like what else is she saying about me? And like, I don't, you know, adds to this feeling. of like distrust and like what are people saying about me behind my back? And I think that part feels that's the thing. Anxiety.

Not really about the ring. Although again, I validate that if you have a real ring and someone thinks it's not, like if you had a real bag and someone, everyone said it was fake, you'd be like, it's not. So it's like a part of the reason you pay for a real bag is that so that people don't talk about how it's fake. Totally. Very true.

Yeah, I totally agree. I think that, but I wouldn't worry that people think you're materialistic because you corrected her. Right. If you sent an email after and Zim were like, hey, anyone who's heard this rumor, it's not true. I want everyone. Yes. I ring is real. So to address the second part of it, I would leave it alone.

I don't think you need to address Sophie, like, why are you talking shit about my ring? like I wouldn't I wouldn't even go there says more about her than you yeah I mean unless she's a really good friend and like you feel like you have to clear the air because it's causing like a you know hard feelings between the two of you that are lingering I mean if she was like your best friend if it was like my best friend I would easily just be like why did you tell that girl that my ring is right fake right yes right totally if this is just so someone who's an acquaintance that's like, it's a her problem. Right.

She's just, you know, a little bit of a shit talker. It got back to you. Probably shouldn't have been repeated because it was speculation. And I would just move on. Don't worry about people thinking you're materialistic. I think that's just in your head. Yeah. I would give it like hearing that again because of the first part and like there's

someone out there who's like clearly making you some sort of say. I think she if she said it was to say it as a dig. So I would give it like a five because I would be like in my head, I'd be like, not only is it annoying that she's like talking shit about me, but like what else is she saying to people about me? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I could see that.

I'll give it a four. And she's in a position where it's hard to like really correct the record and or find out what's being said. Right. Well, the good news is you did get to find out what was being said and you did get to correct the record. That's true. this particular occasion.

Right. Maybe there's other stuff out there, but. I'm sure there's other stuff, not to scare you. Yeah. Sorry. Right. But that's just some people, you know, like, it's the same thing. If someone's like, oh, I heard that you're not a real blonde either.

And you're like, actually, I am a real blonde. Like, okay. You know, but it does feel like somebody was being like, oh, yeah, she's not a real blonde. Like, that happened. Right. But I can see why you'd be like, oh, it feels worse to feel like she's a fake blonde. who's pretending to be a real blonde, then she's a fake blonde who is open about dying her hair. Right.

Yes. Yes. So that's where her. Exactly. That's her anxiety lies where she's like, if I had a ring, it would be like I had the ring. But like now everyone thinks that not only am I someone who doesn't have the ring, but I don't have the ring and I'm pretending to have a real ring. Right.

What is the culture around this moistenite ring? Is this a thing where people are just like? mostly get it and then the you know they're just like don't don't really mention it or is it a thing where people are like oh my open about it i don't know much about moistenate i know natural diamonds are like and lab grown diamonds i think that's a third option is like a there's like moistenate which is like a different a different kind of material or stone and then there's lab grown which is like supposed to be like a diamond but made in like a factor and like much, usually like a more perfect version of a diamond that is much less expensive,

but a lot less expensive. And like, right. Again, I think there's a whole, that's a whole conversation, rabbit hole about the engagement ring and what it says and what you needed to be, what the size is. And like, I think that could be its own psychology. You should do a psychology 101 about the psychology of engagement rings. Right. Well, even with with this listener, she is kind of like she took pride in this ring. Like there was something about this where she felt like an ego satisfaction about her husband's love for her or his romantic gesture and perhaps the amount of money that he guess. So I do think there is a psychology around what this gift of love symbolizes about the,

relationship and financial security and how much, you know, all of it. Yeah. And for some people, that probably helps them feel safer in the relationship, like the safer either romantically or financially. And for some people, maybe they get that feeling from something else. But yeah, it is an interesting conversation. Like what, there's a lot around that. We could maybe save that for another episode, but I think there's a lot around like this

tiny little piece of jewelry. jewelry and like the significance that it holds for you in starting a life with somebody. Yeah. Definitely. Definitely we'll talk about that again. All right. But for now, we did it. Thanks for joining us for this week's episode. Check out our subscription episodes. And if you want to write in oversharing at betches.com. All right. That's our time. Great work today.