Oversharing - Am I Too Selfish For Motherhood?

Episode Date: March 24, 2026

As Jordana shares stories of her dog Ron’s jealousy of the new babies, Dr. Naomi remembers her pet Ralphie and wonders if he felt ignored when her children arrived many years ago. A fellow “type-b mother” sheds her shame and confesses her maternal instincts are often second nature to her personal survival skills, and she asks if it spells trouble for her kids. On the topic of dogs again, a woman is irked that her co-workers' fear of four legged creatures is banning the office mascot from bringing joy to her cubicle every Friday and she is hell bent on making a case for the pooch. After her son received no party invitations from his classmates at daycare, a tear-filled mother spills her feelings in a voicemail and the hosts unpack the source of these painful emotions. Feeling the stress of keeping a newborn safe, a new mom is triggered after finding her husband and baby asleep in an unsafe position and she is worried he doesn't take safety as seriously. Finally an accidental text message spoils a (somewhat) surprise engagement and a Betch is left lamenting her dream proposal scenario. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

A quick note before we get into the episode, Oversharing is a podcast for entertainment purposes only. It is not a medical podcast and does not constitute medical or psychological advice. Always seek the advice of your physician or mental health professional. Hello and welcome back to Oversharing. I'm Jordana Abraham. I am Dr. Naomi Bernstein. How are you?

How is your weekend? How's it going? It's going good. What's going on with you in your full house? I mean, I think I mentioned that the dog, got neutered, but he's been acting out a bit since I think he forgot that he's potty trained. Oh, no. Since the children have arrived.

I feel bad for him because he's got neutered and he's got like, and he, you know, he was watching me like breastfeed and he just wants to be involved. And he's like jealous. What do you mean he wants to be involved? He's like jealous. Like he, I think he could, if he could, he would. He's like, he like, he like, I told Joe, like when he sleeps in our bed, he comes into the bed and he's like, he's like basically like lying in my arms like I would like he like puts his body over my chest. I think to be like yeah.

Yeah. That's their spot. He wants that spot. You know, he has a cone on because he's neutered. And it's funny because I hate the cone more than he does now. Like he doesn't mind it. I think he likes it because like when it's taken off and put back on, he gets like attention. So I think he's like acting out these bits of attention.

He's been like taking like a couple. of nice big shits right on the nursery carpet. Oh, specifically in that room. Yes. So I think he's trying to say, like, if you think we're cool. I hesitate to share this because I know it's like a thing, it's like a triggering kind of thing for you a little bit, right? It is a triggering thing because, and I'm glad you're talking about it so I can help you maybe not have the same experience that I did. But one of my biggest regrets and the saddest thing, in my life is that I felt like I wasn't the best dog mom to Ralph once I had kids. Like I really wasn't mindful enough. I wasn't aware enough. I really, he moved down the totem pole very

quickly and I had two very quickly. So we were overwhelmed for, you know, a few years there. And I wasn't, He didn't get the attention that like his his quality of life went down dramatically. And I'm admitting this like to every like I could feel myself getting kind of upset in talking about it because I do feel really badly about it. Well, it's weird because it's like obviously like they're a dog. They're not going to be higher on the totem pole than like your human children. That would be like a little weird. Right. Like if you were like the baby's crying and you're just like sitting there petting.

Your dog. It's also like you only have so many hands. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. It's just, uh, if you could do it differently. I guess I'll, I'll reverse therapy. You yeah. And you could have done it differently. Like, what would you really have even done? Like ignored the kids more? No, I, not ignored them, but I would have made time to like give him some fun, more fun moments. Like, take him along more often or like take him out. Before they were born, you know, we used to live by the beach and we would take him to the beach and just let him run as fast as he could. And then the priority was like going to the playground and taking the kids and we didn't prioritize like doing things that were his favorite things. Those were never the priority. You know, it was like just kind of keeping him, you know,

food, water, pets a little bit, maybe less pets, but petting and walking. And walking. but it wasn't like before we had kids it was like well what does ralph want to do this weekend and then it just became like he was just kind of an accessory around the house and i didn't give him as many like fun experience like i wish i would have just done more stuff that he thought was fun and um included him in outings and like i used to take him everywhere you know And then once the kids were born, it was like just enough to get them out the door, let alone packing him up and bringing him. Right.

Did you even have the time to? Probably not. I mean, I'm sure that's why I didn't do it. I wasn't like a cold-hearted bitch. You weren't like, I don't care about you. Yeah. It's just not. You know, and I think anytime we've talked about loss on here and anytime, you know, you

experience a loss like that. that regret is one of the biggest emotions that comes up. So I think I didn't realize it until he got sick and ultimately died that the end of his life was not what I would have wanted it to be. So I don't want this to be depressing. He had like these kids. Did they play with him? Yeah, they don't play with him.

They had a good relationship. But they were pretty little. So they weren't really like playing fetch or like, you know. But they, yeah. Yeah, he had his. Maybe he enjoyed that. It's okay. You don't, you don't, I could tell that you're trying to like, give me the soothing.

Pass to pass to give you a pass. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I'm sure this happens a lot with a lot of people and a lot of families. So I'm trying to like, you know, let you and anyone listening off the hook a little bit. I get it. I'm letting myself off the hook. I probably did the best that I could with the situation that we were in.

But I'm glad that you're talking about it. I think that was missing. I wasn't aware, coming back to mindfulness and awareness and consciousness. I was like in such autopilot mode most of the time that I didn't stop. So you're talking about it. And he's giving you those nice reminders, those big dumps in the nursery. So it's hard to ignore. Right.

Yeah. I mean, I do feel bad. He's also like, I mean, maybe with Ralph, he's like an adult. I mean, he was like an adult when the kids were born, right? Yeah. So I'm kind of like he's got a while. Like he's a puppy. So he has got his own like sort of annoying energy sometimes. Yeah. But I'm trying to make him feel like still loved and needed.

And I try to do that like at night when he's in the bed with us. Yeah, that's his time. That's his time. And he's, you know, we snuggle. Like I just, I don't know. I get it. It's an adjustment. I'm sure. It's funny.

we're talking about this with like the dog and the kids. I'm sure most people have this with like their older kid and their younger kid. You, I guess, and me probably don't really have that as much because I'm sure with Lila, she's so close in age. She probably wasn't like clocking it as much maybe. I don't know. Was she upset when you had Maddie like that she wasn't getting in the attention? It's so interesting now that we're in a different phase.

Like they, we watch back videos and Lila was obsessed, obsessed with her. I don't think there was any jealousy. Jealousy. Now almost like when they look back or like even just last night, Maddie was watching some movie that they used to watch together and they used to. And now Lila's like more teenagery and doesn't want to do like they long for that time. You know, when they were like two little peas in a pod.

And we didn't have that again because I think they were so close. Like I don't think they remember a time without each other, either one of them. So, yeah. But I could see if you have like a four-year-old, even a three-year-old and a new baby, there is a lot of this. Like, how do I divide my attention? I only have so many hours in a day. I only have two hands.

But with a dog, I guess, like there is, again, I think there is a certain feeling of like, it is okay for the children to take. Precedent. Right. in a non-physiological need kind of way. You know, like if it's like, because again, because you think of attention, it's like they'll be fine. You know, it's hard to take into account like the emotional needs of your dog.

Yeah. It is so interesting that these dogs will use their toileting to express themselves. Like he's been expressed. Well, he also, because I didn't like the, I didn't like the cone, as you know. So I got him this like, like, search. suit, which is basically like a dog onesie. Because I was like, I don't like the cone. I'm going to do the onesie.

So it covers the incision. Right. So he can't get to it. I put him in the surgical suit and he peed in the nursery on the rug in the surgical suit. And so because he was still in the, because it covers that area, like, you're supposed to like roll it up when they go outside. Right. But because he peed in there, it was like then soaked in the surgical suit, soaked in the

and then he ran around the room just like spritzing it wherever it went and I was like all right the surgical suit is done now we're back to the cold that was fun while it lasted yeah he's really upset what baby he's right there next to you now he sleeps with you every night I agree like what I mean he still does all those things like we're we're you know next to each other. He just doesn't like when there's, he's great when I'm not holding a baby. Right. Yeah. Oh. Yeah. So I'm trying to to give him a little bit more attention. We'll see how that, plus he's, plus he just got neutered. So he must be like in a, in a, just bad, having a bad 2026 thus far. Yeah. All right. Maybe when he heals up and yeah. Oh, and then I got mad at him last

night because he was like, I was on the couch with Charlie and he like, sometimes he gets excited. And then he like was, and he scratched her like head. And then she had like a like a scratch. And I was like. And then, you know, your protective instincts going about like, he's a big dog. So I'm like, obviously he didn't do it on purpose. It was like an accident. But now I'm like irritated with him. A vicious cycle. And then he gets more, feels more distant because he's upset you and we'll be It's a phase. That's my biggest parenting advice that I can give is there's just a phase. Impermanent, you know, move through it.

This will be a memory. Right. And I'm hoping because he's young, like once I'm giving him like two new play friends eventually, once they're of the correct size to like interact with him. Right. You know what Ralph actually almost did? I mean, not almost did. He did when the girls were potty training.

I went into the bathroom and he was like in there and I look, we had this little Elmo potty and he took a shit in the Elmo potty. That's actually quite impressive. He was like, I can do it. Do it too. I can do it too. Oh my God. I have a picture of it.

It was crazy. He was like really trying. He was trying in like such an ambitious way to get our attention. Yeah. I mean, I'd prefer that. If he like put on, if he like put on a diaper and then took a big shit. in the diaper. I would have been like, great. Good boy. I just remembered that. He was really trying to be like, hey, mom, look what I can do. Can I have some M&Ms? I miss him. All right.

All right. Sorry. Enough of that. Okay. Enough of that. Let's get into your problems. Yes. Let's do it. You, the listeners, the collective view. Thank you to our subscribers. We love our subscribers. And if you are a subscriber, you get two bonus episodes a month. We get a little more personal there and we'll respond to some feedback. And you, you'll, you also get all the episodes a day early and ad free. So subscribe if you're interested in that. It's great to see our subscribers grow and so happy you guys are liking what we're putting out. Or you can join a therapy group. Yeah, come find us, Naomi Bernstein.com. Always taking new people. I'll find you a group that works for you. It's an amazing community. We would love to. It's just, I've said this before. I'll say it again. I don't know if it's just,

oversharing community that comes into these groups through this podcast, but it's a really special place. These, you know, the individuals in the group are so wise and compassionate. And we just have these really awesome, deep, thoughtful conversations and challenge each other. So yeah, come find us. Come join a group, Naomi Bernstein.com. If you guys have a voicemail, you can leave us a voicemail at 64636363-6294. We have one later in this episode. It's great to be able to hear your voice. You really get a sense of what's going on internally when you can hear a voice. So I love a voicemail. Again, that's 646-3636-3-6-294. And I just want to put out a call for follow-ups, updates. If we've answered your question, let us know because I'm thinking about you guys. I want to know how it all turned out. So selfishly, and I think, think everyone who's listening is probably like, whatever happened to that. Right. Did they ever figure it out?

Yeah. Give us a try. All right. We're going to start with a shed my shame. I will read it. Love these. If you have a shed my shame or email us, shed my shame, any questions you have oversharing at betches.com.

Feedback update oversharing of betches.com. I really appreciate the podcast and I feel so seen in my type be parenting. Dr. Naomi talking about not being the parent who always has the snacks made me feel so seen. I always feel like a failure or not having a perfectly stocked diaper bag, and I have just had to come to terms with not being that mom. This shed your shame is somewhat adjacent mom issue I want to share with you all. I've been having this feeling lately that as a mom, I am too selfish or not empathetic enough to my kids' needs. I often find myself stuck in a cycle of looking at the things that go wrong for them as how it may impact me rather than how hard it might be for them or what they're experiencing.

It sounds awful just writing it, given that my kids are only two and a half and nine months old. It's things like my baby not sleeping and my first thought being, I'm going to be so tired tomorrow. I find myself feeling angry and annoyed that she won't sleep, rather than thinking empathetically about what could be bothering her, why she might be uncomfortable or the impact on her the next day if she's tired too. My older daughter also really fights bedtime on days when she's nap too late. We've been having an ongoing discussion.

She writes in parentheses battle with daycare about capping her naps at a certain time to allow for adequate sleep pressure to build before bedtime. Those nights when she won't go down until late, my husband and I are both in and out of her room trying to settle her for bed. I find myself angry that she won't just go to sleep so I can have that time alone with my husband after the girls go down for bed and angrier with the daycare for letting her sleep so late in the afternoon. Again, I feel guilty that my concern isn't for how tired she may feel or how

uncomfortable it is to feel so antsy at bedtime and not be able to self-settle. I find myself like instead of being a selfless empathetic mom, I'm instead looking at how these things impact me first and my girl's second. Even recently when my youngest got hit hard with RSB, I thought to myself how I was going to have to call out of work and it would be a bad look to my patients and boss to be out once again for a sick child. It feels so gross that I sometimes even need to coach myself to see it from their point of view or how they're feeling. I'm admittedly burnt out. I work and a helping profession with 12 to 14 patients per day, and I don't have much downtime outside of that. My husband and I haven't been alone, truly alone, on a date, home alone,

et cetera, since we went to a wedding in the fall, and I know that likely those feelings of burnout and inadequacy are further coloring my day-to-day experience in motherhood. I feel so bad about my attitude towards my girls whom I absolutely adore. But when I find myself in these thought patterns, I feel really guilty and ashamed of it. I find myself overcompensating. When I text a friend about how horribly the baby slept, I'll add something like, Poor thing isn't feeling well. On to the end, just to make sure the point comes across that it's not just me I'm feeling sorry for.

It's such a crappy feeling, and I find myself Googling how to be a more empathetic parent or how to be less selfish in my downtime. I genuinely worry about the relationship I'll have with them as they get older and about how I can reflect these qualities back to them, like empathy, self-regulation, confidence, and self-care, so that they may embody these characters. and grow up to be happy and emotionally healthy. I know there are likely other moms feeling this and I wish it was something I could openly talk about to my other mom friends, but I just feel so ashamed and vulnerable admitting

that I'm afraid to put it out there. Thanks for helping me put my feelings into words so that I can shed my shame around this and feel less alone, a selfish batch. You're not a selfish batch. So let's start there. I'm really glad that you wrote in and what you feel like is a safe place. to shed your shame. I don't know how you're kind of more in it in terms of the nonverbal. Like I think this is different when your kids can speak and they are telling you,

you know, my kids don't stop talking like every thought that they have and every discomfort and every everything. So I think when you have more nonverbal kids where you're just like, oh, she's restless. What does that mean or should I feel more badly or so? I'll kick this over to you. Or if they're sick, you're not getting them to be audibly. You're saying like, right. Oh, my head hurts. My stomach hurts.

It's just like crying, which they do for everything that they need. Yeah. Like if you felt empathy, deep empathy every time a baby cried. Plus, you're in a helping profession where you're dealing with sick people or needy people. Like, you would be completely, and you're already burned out. To me, this seems like the issue is that she's burned out. I think that you have so much of so much smaller capacity for things like empathy and patience and all those things. It's like people are more likely to take situational reactions and attribute them to a personality type, even in their own self.

So she's thinking like I'm only concerned about my oh how this affects me. But that's because she has so much on her plate that it is a really big deal for her more so than. a mom who like maybe was like, you know, if she only had one kid or if she wasn't working or something like that, like I think she probably would be more patient or would be more concerned. You're like only almost like as concerned as your emotional capacity sometimes can be for that. Like it's, or it's easier. It's much easier to be empathic and concerned when you have less time. I mean, we just talked about this in our intro. It's like with, with Ralph, with the dog, it wasn't that like you suddenly became a person who didn't care.

about dogs or didn't care about your dog's well-being, but you had so much other stuff going on that like your capacity to be like, I really like feel so deeply for the dog who's not getting as much attention is just less because you have so much other stuff going on. So to me this is like, she's taking this situational thing where she doesn't care as much because she doesn't have time or energy or space to care as much beyond are there basic needs being met. Right. And she's attributing it to like I'm I'm an uncaring or selfish mother. A hundred percent. I totally agree with that.

And I think in any situation there is a hierarchy of what needs to get done. And sometimes if you're just barely getting by making sure that they're fed and they're stimulated and they're, you know, clean and they're, you know, taken to all the places that they need to go to get care while you're working and then you have to keep your job. the emotional needs underlying a restless night's sleep for a nine-month-old, I think, is like going to be at the bottom of the list. If they're sick and screaming or, you know, burning up with fever or, you know, something that really seems extremely uncomfortable, I'm sure you're going to feel that.

But the idea of having the thought, I mean, I'll be honest. When my kids were little and they woke up in the middle of the night, if I had to go to work the next morning, my first thought was not, oh, poor thing, she can't sleep. I don't think that's most people's first thought when they're woken up, especially if they have to work the next day and they're exhausted and their baby's not sleeping. It's, oh, my God, I'm going to be so tired this morning in the morning. And I have to get up and handle this. I don't think most people are thinking, oh, poor baby, she's restless. Maybe there are, but like I don't think. I think maybe there are if you, every night you've gotten a great full night of sleep

and you have nothing going on the next day. And your tank is really full. Then that hierarchy of the baby's like slight discomfort of not being able to sleep becomes the top priority because that's what's left. So I do think we tend to have this hierarchy of what needs to get done and these more subtle baby emotional needs are at the bottom. You know, I don't hear her say, you know, like if she, you know, her two and a half year old falls and smashes her head that she's, you know, I mean, maybe she would, but that she's like, and she's screaming or, you know, something terrible is happening, that she's kind of like, oh, this is going to be really an. I mean, and maybe that is part of it if there is something really big. But yeah, I agree with you. The burnout, I think, is the issue. I don't know if there's much you can do about it other than just give yourself some grace while you're in this and trust that you're taking care of your kids needs. And I don't think she's going to be able to like intellectualize this to like have more empathy, like Googling how to be. That that person I don't really think is going to work. I really think the only. I really think the only. only thing that's going to work is that is when she actually feels like she has more time and is

less stressed, which is obviously like, again, not something that's probably totally going to be fixed in this phase of life where your kids are nine months and two years old. But there's probably some little things that you can do to help yourself, even if you're not going to ever, this is this phase isn't going to be like, I'm sleeping so well every night and everything's going perfectly. Maybe you could, uh, you know, see if there's room in your budget for a babysitter for a date night. She talks about not being out alone with her husband. See if, you know, if you have a relative nearby, maybe they could come, they could come babysit. I think a lot of these like little things to help you feel more supported will make you actually feel like you have more emotional capacity

to do those things. Because just by asking, if, just by the act of like thinking, am I selfish, am I not compassionate? Am I not? You're not that thing because a real person who was it, who was actually those things wouldn't be like analyzing and feeling bad and Googling how to be more empathic, they would just be doing that thing and not and thinking it was the right thing. Totally. And the other thing I think you can do, what I hear her doing in the email is like playing it forward and catastrophizing. And this is what I've been talking with my patients a lot about lately is something happens in life and our automatic reaction is, what does this mean about me? Or what does this mean about my future?

Watch how many times you ask yourself that consciously or subconsciously a day. And so she's doing that. And then that's putting a big load on top of the already huge load that she has where now she's Googling how to be more empathic and how, you know, I hear her saying like, how's this going to affect my kids' empathy and I'm not modeling the right, going down this line. Like I'm not modeling the right type of empathy. And maybe now my kids won't be empathic.

Like you're down a rabbit hole. This means nothing about you. This is not going to affect your kids' ability to be empathic humans. When they're older, you're doing the best that you can. And I think removing this load is going to make everything feel even just easier, this burden of feeling like you're selfish because you're just trying to keep your head above water here. So when you catch yourself saying, what does this mean about me? What does this mean about my future? What does this mean about my kid's future?

The answer is nothing. And I'll validate that her first thought was herself. Like when the dog shit on the rug, my original thought was not. Poor thing needs more attention. It was I have a podcast that I'm recording in five minutes. And now I have to clean it up instead of fixing my hair, which is why I'm wearing this hat. And I'm like, so I don't think that's most people's first thought is like what this means for them in the immediate. Off the hook.

Let's do a betcha sis. Do you want to read this one? Yeah, I will read this. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi. I work in a small office around 30 people and the company has a policy that allows employees to bring in pets on Fridays. Most Fridays no one brings pets, but occasionally one co-worker brings her dog. The dog is small, friendly, and calm.

The dog mostly follows his owner around the office or sleeps under her desk. The dog never runs around, barks, jumps, goes after food, interrupts meetings, etc. You truly could not ask for a better dog to have hanging around the office. It's a fun treat and really brightens the monotony of the workday to see him. The dilemma is that one employee has a fear of dogs and has. has requested that my coworker not bring her dog when he is in the office. She ended up agreeing because she felt like she had no choice. Saying no would have created an uncomfortable situation and potentially would lead to HR getting involved, which he obviously wanted to avoid. I can understand

asking this if he had an allergy or if you were dealing with a large, aggressive, intrusive, or loud animal, but this is truly the chillest dog I've ever met. Should his fear of dogs automatically trump the joy that this dog brings the rest of the office, plus whatever benefits his coworker gets when she brings him, for example, not having to pay a dog walker that day. As a grown adult, shouldn't he have some responsibility to try to grow for the sake of his community? Am I being too cold and insensitive in thinking he should just be able to deal with it, especially given the good nature of this particular dog? Part of me feels it was wrong for him to even ask, knowing the awkward position this would

certainly put his coworker in. What do you think? A pro-bitches in the office, betch. I think the coworker is valid in saying he's afraid of dogs or she's afraid of dog, he, I guess, he's afraid of dogs and he doesn't want to. It's an office space. It's not like a dog. You can't go to a dog park and say, I have a fear of dogs. Could you not bring your dog? But this is where they work. They go in there every day. Even if they just don't like dogs, I think it's like, unless that was part of the job. description or like part of that what was advertised for this job if he's just like I don't want to be around a dog every day I don't like dogs and I'm going to work to do my job and regardless

of how well-behaved the dog is it just doesn't make me comfortable yeah I definitely see that perspective you don't know what his background is maybe he did have a traumatic experience yeah I'm assuming there's something there if he's this scared of a small quiet dog that he probably doesn't even have to like encounter um too often so yeah i i do think it's a workspace and if you know if this was presented at the beginning when he took this job he might have been like i'm not comfortable with that or this is a problem for me it sounds like maybe a newer protocol that they've brought in but this isn't this isn't for her i see her perspective If I were talking to this person, I might say, hey, this might be a great opportunity for you to kind of overcome this fear to face it.

It's a really gentle dog, but that's really not for her to say. I get why she's annoyed because it does seem like it's a cool policy. I kind of like it. And especially if you have a nice, well-behaved dog, but I agree. I think ultimately it's an office. it's not a space where you would expect there to be a dog. And so, you know, it's reasonable to say deal with it. Go get therapy or like do some exposure therapy and get over it.

If I were talking to him personally and he were talking to me about it, I might suggest that, but I agree with you. I think a workspace can be animal free. And I don't think he needs to just like get over it because other people like it. again, unless this was presented when he took the job, which they could do from now on. Going forward. Yeah. Or something.

If that's what they, you know, if I'm afraid of dogs and I see in a job description that the dog, that the office has a, you know, bring your dogs to work whenever you want policy, I might not apply there. Yeah. Or in that case, then he would have had to decide, okay, it's time for, I really want this job. This is the policy. I'm going to face this fear and I'm going to deal with it. So I'll switch it to that. If this was presented at the beginning and he took the job knowing that this was the policy,

then it's kind of on him to figure it out. But if this was presented after he got the job, then I don't think it's fair that he has to figure it out. Or she could ask because he said it's just Fridays, right? That's the bring your dog to work day on Friday. She wants to make this her cause, which again seems like not fully necessary. but if she really wants to do that, she could ask HR if they could suggest to the worker who scared of dogs that he could work from home on Fridays.

Well, I think maybe that's what they're doing because they said not to bring the dog when he's in the office. That seems like that takes a lot of coordinating for him to tell her these two coworkers to specifically be communicating the night before about. But I guess if he takes every single Friday off or takes every single Friday and work from home, then this could this could work. Solved. All right, let's do a voicemail for our intention segment.

We have a good voicemail. Again, if you want to leave us a voicemail, you can call 646363-6294. Got some great voicemails. Keep it under three minutes if you wanted to actually go through. If it goes longer than that, you're going to get cut off and we can't use the voicemail. So let's roll our tape. Hi, I'm calling for an intention. My kid is four at daycare and birthdays

Trigger me so much And it's so silly But kids put like invitations in the lockers For the kids who they want to come to their parties And it's in two parties now Where only one or two kids are invited Like there's only one or two invitations But

my kid isn't invited to those two parties and he seems very unbothered he hasn't even noticed we don't talk about it like he if he brought it up we would I would stay calm and figure it out but oh it really really triggers me I think I'm also just hormonal right now and it's fine but yeah that would be you guys I know it's okay I know that he's friendly and if not we can help him continue to be friendly but but yeah that would be you guys I know it's okay I know that he's friendly and if not we can help him continue to be friendly but But, yeah, it somehow really affects me. I obviously just want him to be liked and to be happy. And so I think that that's one of the reasons that it, yeah, affects me so much. Yeah, okay, thank you. Bye. Kind of heartbreaking. Is this one of Brooks's friends that he didn't?

Yeah. His birthday back in December. Remember? Yes. Maybe it is. I'm just kidding. I guess. But yeah, it's a thing, right?

Like, it's a tough thing. I think there is nothing more painful than seeing your kid or feeling like your kid is excluded. It's hard to feel like they're not well liked. I don't think that's what's happening here at all. But that's what she's feeling. Neither does she, it seems like. Right. Yeah. It's like the hardest thing is we talk about that all the time just in terms of adults feeling excluded or left out or not like you want to be invited, but you don't necessarily want to go. Like the idea of being excluded is so like deeply ingrained in us as painful and scary that I think then when you become a parent, she I think must have some of her own trauma around this because this is hitting her. I was going to say. Yeah. Because she's saying. is not even he doesn't he seems fine so she must have some sort of prior experience where she wasn't

invited to something or she was left out and it sounds like she's feeling that through him this is going to keep happening right this is kids this is what happens it's really one of the hardest parts of parenting especially i think even as they get older where you can't really get involved you know when you're younger you can kind of be like okay come on everybody play nice together go ahead invite you know invite him. Like you can kind of guide it a little bit in this situation, maybe not so much, but it sounds like only two kids are getting invited. It's not like the whole class, but him, which would be really bad. It's like they're picking probably two friends to invite over for, you know, whatever it is, or they pick two friends from school and two friends from soccer and two,

you know, family friends. And that's the party. So I really get why this is why it bothers her. It's very hard to see your kids excluded, but this is, and it's not, not, this isn't excluded. This is just not chosen. Which will happen also. Yes. This is going to keep happening. And it probably is going to get harder because when they get older, kids are a little bit more mean.

And there's more, especially if you have your kid on social media and things like that, there's going to be lots of moments where you feel worried about, I think, one of big fear that, parents have for their kids is like worried about them socially. How are they interacting with other kids? Are they well liked? Are they going to be included? It's really normal. Like we are such social creatures that we don't know exactly what happened when we evolved as humans, but based on our current triggers and what sits below the surface for most humans, I guarantee you there was some kind of serious death or pain involved in exclusion when we were evolving as humans because this is so prevalent for so many people. Yeah. I mean, you probably got like eaten if they left without you

or something like an animal or something. Yeah. Lost. Yeah. So many. So I do get that. And I think there's going to be these phases in your parenting of him where he's going to seem lonely and that's going to be hard. Although right now he doesn't care, which is amazing. I would try to ride this as long as you can because at some point he is going to care and that's going to get harder. So the fact that he's like, you know, blissfully unaware is wonderful. So I would allow that for him. And I know she said she would do that.

Like, you know, she wouldn't make a big deal about it. Right now it's not a big deal. But I think trusting. that whatever social interactions your kid has, it's phases and they change, they change classes every year. They'll change friends. They'll join new activities. And I think it takes a while for some kids to find their little tribe of people, but he will. Right now, he seems fine, first of all, but even if he wasn't, let's say he was crying and he was sad and he felt left out. That's going to be hard. That might happen.

but I think you just have to trust and be patient that kids will generally eventually kind of find their way to finding their people. And if they really are struggling socially and more pathological way, there's resources and you can help him. But I don't think that you should get to that point. I mean, she might want to see a therapist for herself to work through that like at this. If it's bothering her that this much at this stage and he's not, he doesn't even care. Right. Right. She might not want to work.

And that also just might be helpful for her to work through whatever. Clearly, like, she feels some deep wound around being not invited or being left out. Right. Which if she doesn't want to, like, transfer onto him that anxiety or that intensity might be good for her to work out while her kid is still young. Right. And while he's not, because it is going to be harder once, if he's coming home in tears that he didn't get him. Right. Then she's crying.

I don't know if that's going to have. help. Yeah, I definitely would, you know, give some thought, what's your big fear around this? You know, did something happen to you? And are you projecting that that's going to be happening to him? And even if it did happen to you, it sounds like you came through it and you're on the other side. And, you know, I don't know what your friendship situation is now or if you still are feeling kind of that way with friends, maybe there's something going on currently for her with being excluded with friends and birthdays and invites or if it's a childhood thing. But I definitely agree that now is the time that I would kind of either in therapy or just

journaling, figure out what the wound is for you. And if you can tolerate it, then it's going to be easier for you to tolerate it when he's actually, because I guarantee you. I don't think anyone goes through childhood unscathed, ever not feeling left out, lonely, excluded in some way. I remember in like third grade, I feel like there were these girls who were trick-or-treating and they didn't invite me, but they like came to my house to like trick-or-treat and mom like yelled at them.

I remember being mortified. So you don't want to be that person. So work through your shit. Yeah. That made it a lot worse. Well, that's the thing. Like once they get older. you're kind of stuck because if you get involved, it makes it worse. And your only choice is to like sit back patiently, be supportive and ride it out. Like at a certain age, you can't really get involved in those things. You just have to teach your kid that like this is a moment. This doesn't feel good. This is uncomfortable. But it doesn't mean anything about you. It doesn't mean that you're unlikable or unlovable. It doesn't mean you'll never have friends or you'll never.

you know, have a friend group. It doesn't mean any of that. It just means in this moment, you feel lonely. That is hard. And I'm here with you. But yeah, you don't want to be that mom that's like, you know, helicoptering because you can't tolerate the feeling of your child being excluded. All right. So what's your intention for the listener when she starts to feel quite anxious about this? Yeah. So my intention is pretty simple. And I, I've used this with my own kids when they have moments of feeling like they don't have a friend group or they feel lonely is he will find his people in time. And I have seen that as a parent that just because he doesn't have his people right now,

he will find his people in time. He will find his community. He'll find his little tribe. And he can tolerate the meantime. And you can tolerate the meantime, I think is another important piece of this too. Let us know how that goes. Let's do some triggers. Dear Jordana and Dr.

Naomi, first, congratulations to Jordana and Mike on welcoming your two baby girls. What an incredible life-altering season, sending so much love to your growing family. Thank you. I have a triggered scenario that feels especially timely given Jordana's recent transition into new motherhood. I gave birth to a beautiful, healthy girl in November. She brings my husband in me so much joy. and overall we are genuinely loving parenthood.

She's now two and a half months old and has been sleeping through the night about nine hours consistently since she was one month old. She's truly a unicorn baby and we know how lucky we are. Here's the triggered scenario. There have been multiple occasions where my husband has fallen asleep while holding our baby in what I would consider an unsafe sleep situation. The most recent incident happened around 9 p.m. Not a middle of the night exhaustion moment.

He was giving her a bottle in our bed while I was pumping in another room. When I walked back in, he was asleep sitting upright, and our baby was also asleep, lying on her side in his lap. I was livid and terrified. It felt like a genuine safety risk. She could have easily shifted so her nose or mouth was obstructed. My husband is a very heavy sleeper and can fall asleep almost anywhere, and I don't trust that he would notice a subtle movement if she slipped. If I hadn't walked in, they likely would have remained asleep for some time. Complicating things, he's currently taking on a demanding new project at work and is exhausted most days. Despite that, he is otherwise a loving, engaged, and helpful father. He also gets a full night's sleep every night while I don't.

I should also note that I have been dealing with significant postpartum anxiety and postpartum OCD. I'm now on medication that's helping, but I'm still very much an anxious mom. I only get a couple of hours of sleep each night because I'm constantly checking that the baby is breathing and rechecking her swaddle. Incidents like this send my anxiety into overdrive. I know my husband loves our daughter deeply and would never intentionally put her in harm's way. Still, moments like this make me feel like I can't fully trust him to be

alone with our infant. And that feeling scares me almost as much as the incident itself. My questions are, do I have a right to be this triggered? How do I distinguish between valid safety concerns and anxiety-driven fear? How can I rebuild trust in my husband as a caregiver without becoming controlling or spiraling when I'm not around? Thank you so much for your insight. This is a big one, I think, with, and you're in it, right? Babies, like kind of understand. six months of age. I think this whole... When you haven't done it before, too.

Yes. This whole, from what I understand, like two to four months is kind of that, you know, the window where they're most at risk for these sleep, you know, they need to be sleeping the right way to keep them safe, you know, not with pillows and blankets and not sleeping on couches and things like that. I think that's kind of the window where you want to be the most vigilant. So I validate that she's scared. It sounds like maybe her baby is is isish in that window.

So I get why this is triggering. I think the bigger thing is just which a lot of people that I talk to struggle with trusting that their partner has the same standards for some of these safety issues that they do. very common to fall asleep holding a baby. Right. Yeah, I've done that before. Yes. It happens often. As has Mike. Right. So like this does happen a lot. So I don't think it's triggering in the sense of like, you can't trust him. He's a horrible caretaker. But I do think you can have a conversation with like, hey, here's this window between two and four months up until let's, you know, say like six months where I just really. feel strongly about like the place that the baby's sleeping. I know it's really hard, validate. Some stuff that I've looked into around this is that, you know, if you're going to do it, like if he's going to feed the baby and there's a chance he's going to fall asleep to do it like

on a bed without blankets or a bunch of pillows where there's no like cracks and crevices, like in a couch or a recliner with a bunch of blankets on it or something. Like there's a way that you can do kind of like harm reduction on this because people like you said you've fallen asleep with a baby I've fallen asleep with a baby I think this happens all the time um but I get why she's anxious and this idea of like how much is too much when it comes to like being anxious about the bait my baby is a great question I think it's very hard to know you know like where the line is between, because it's like, on the one hand, it's like not everything needs to be done perfectly. And on the other hand, it's like, where's the line between not done perfectly and dangerous or harmful or even potentially harmful?

It sounds like this is more in the line of that. And I always, you know, I personally like kind of, I'm not, it's tough when I'm not, for me, it's like, I'm not even positive with the number one way to do everything is. but then you kind of know what's not. But then if there's someone who knows less than you, like my father-in-law was holding one of the girls the other day and like her head wasn't really being like supported like the way that like it was. And I was like, should I just like let this go or should I like come and like correct him and move the baby? And I was just kind of like, and I was kind of like, well, he should kind of go do that.

Like I don't like I don't want to do that. I want him to do like I want Mike to do that. So I get like kind of that internal struggle of like she's triggered. It's easier to tell your husband that he's doing something wrong than your father-in-law. I'll I'll say that. But I think it's kind of like if you could remove yourself from the situation and then tell the person after in a calm way that's like, you know, I've read up a lot about the sleep positions of babies. It gives me a lot of anxiety when you fall asleep. next time you're feeding her, could you sit in a chair or, you know, sit in a certain way

to not do this because it just makes me really anxious that something's, that something really bad is going to happen to her if you sleep this way or if you fall asleep with her on you. Or if you're feeling really tired, just tell me and like, we'll figure out another way to feed the baby. You can feed the baby when you're more wested or whatever it is. A good thing to use is like, you know, we've talked about this before with like vaccines or things like this where some people think you're being too much of a stickler is like, well, my doctor recommended this. So if you can go to him and say, well, the pediatrician recommended that we not fall asleep holding the baby. And I know you're so tired and, you know, I feel really bad. But, you know, just for the first,

these, the first few months with the babies and the sleep and you're exhausted, they're exhausted. and then you feel guilty. Like I remember when I first had, I don't even remember which kid, one of them, but I was still in the hospital and I was holding one of them and like, you know, kind of dozing off. And the nurse came in and was like kind of yelling at me. Right. And I was like so shame, like shameful for that. But it's like, oh my gosh, I just gave birth like in the middle of the night.

I'm completely exhausted. Like holding the baby so relaxing. It's like your moment to kind of. And of course, it's just so normal. to want to fall asleep. But I think if you can say the doctor, you know, if you can blame it on the doctor and just let him know there's an end in sight, you know, like after, you know, six months or so, I think it's okay to do that more when they can move their head and, you know, they have more mobility. And she didn't ask for this, but I will give her an intention that I kind of got from my own therapist around this, around like anxiety about like doing things right or if they're. you know, they're not in doing the number one Google recommended whatever thing is babies are

meant to withstand new parents, are built to withstand new parents, is what she told me. Yes. There's been, you know, been new parents throughout the history of time and babies are built to, like, be okay if you're not doing everything perfectly. Yes, yes, 100%. I was to do your best, but. Yes. I also do think a lot of the recommendations,

are created for like the extreme, like you said, the woman who wrote in saying, like, I wonder if I'm selfish. Like, you're probably not selfish. These recommendations. If you're thinking about it, right. Right. Right. We're probably built because at some point there was like, there were people that were putting

their baby on top of their down comforter in the middle of two sleeping parents that maybe had a couple drinks and did that. was not a great scenario. But falling asleep without a bunch of fluffy stuff around a baby, if your husband's wearing like a, you know, a light little pajama, I don't think that's the situation. And he's not drinking. Right. Right. He's not drinking. I mean, she said he's a heavy sleeper. So I would take that into account. But like, I just think a lot of the recommendations are built for kind of the most extreme case scenario of what could happen. I mean, in our parents, generation, like the babies were sleeping on their stomach. Obviously, like, again,

there's, that's not recommended anymore for a good reason, but it's not like all those babies had issues. Like some, like it could, they, they recommend those things because of a chance of things happening. And again, it's not to say you shouldn't follow them. But you have an occasional lapse. I think everyone will be okay. But I can understand being triggered because I think it's more about like, for me at least, it's more about like, I want you to be like as anxious and paranoid about this as I am because like, one, it's irritating to be the person who feels like they care more. And two, like you're genuinely concerned. It's like genuinely concerned and irritation that like you feel like you're taking the mental load. And if she's up all night,

she's the only one who's up all night. I can see why that's especially triggering. This stage is really hard. You're overtired. You're over tired. you're up all night, you know, you're anxious. That's hormonal. And it's hard to know what's reasonable anxiety and what is kind of this hormonal. She calls it OCD or postpartum anxiety. So then on top of everything else, now you're second guessing yourself and you're feeling like you're nagging him.

But if this sleep one is one that particularly triggers you and your doctor said don't fall asleep with a baby, then I would just let him know, move on from there. If it feels like it's becoming every little thing, and she did say she's like waking up multiple times to like recheck the swaddle and check if the baby's breathing, like the good news about the protocols that the doctors are giving is like, once you do it, then you should be able to relax and go to sleep. I do think some of the technology that's out there where you can, I don't know if you have this. So forgive me if you do, but you can put like a heart rate monitor on the baby's toe. And yeah, like, you have that? I had it. And then my friend came over and she was like looking at,

she's like, don't use that. She's like, there's a lot of false alarms. Like, it's just going to give you anxiety. Like don't. She's like, throw that out. So I have it still. But I haven't, I haven't used it because I was just advised that like it's going to make you more anxious than you need to be. If you're doing the right thing and you're putting the baby down on a flat surface with no, blankets and pillows and on their back to sleep, you don't need to be then on top of that still worrying about, you know, but I get it. There's hormones. You're a new mom and it's sometimes you just have to wait it out until the hormones subside and the baby's a little bit more self-sufficient can lift their head to kind of get through this phase. But I feel for you,

I think just a nice, when you were triggered, it probably didn't come out great, but kind of of a conversation after the fact of this just makes me particularly anxious you know I'm happy to try to help if you're overtired whatever you said that she should say to him and you're almost there you're going to be at that point in a few months where I don't think it's the end of the world if you fall asleep holding the baby which is so hard and then you feel like ashamed and it's just kind of very feels very natural feels like such a natural thing to do fall asleep totally yeah you know And again, I'm sure people have been doing that for many years, but not to say, you know. Okay.

I'd give it a five because, like, it's just annoying when you're also up all night. I'm probably going to give this a little bit lower just because it feels like it's just a thing that can happen when you're holding a baby as you fall asleep. If she has told him like multiple times and he's that it's really bothering her and she really doesn't want him to do it and he keeps doing it, then I think that's different. I would give a cut him a little slack. I'm sure he didn't mean it. But just another little reminder.

But yeah, this is a tough one. It just feels so natural to just fall asleep with this snugly little baby. Yeah. All right. Let's do one more. You want to read it? I will read our last triggered. All right.

Hi, Jordana and Naomi. I'm writing in with a dilemma that left me feeling triggered. And I'm also hoping you can help me with a mantra or reframe. My sister-in-law unintentionally spoiled part of the surprise of my proposal. My partner and I are traveling this weekend, and while I had a sense that he might propose, I truly wasn't sure. Then earlier this week, my sister-in-law wrote in our family group chat that she couldn't make a family dinner but would see everyone at the airport on Friday.

A few minutes later, she edited the message to remove the airport part. I know my gut what that means. My family is flying in to surprise me at my proposal. I'm sure it was completely unintentional, but I can't help feeling like part of the proposal I deeply wanted, the element of surprise was taken from me. I know this is still a once-in-a-lifetime moment. I love my partner. I know there will still be joy, and I don't know any of the actual details, but I also feel real sadness, like the experience will be less than what I imagined. I haven't said anything in the family chat, and I haven't told my partner because I don't want him

to feel sad that his planning didn't land the way he had hoped. I'm not even sure of staying quiet is the right move. I'd love your thoughts on how to emotionally process this. And if you have a mantra to help me shift my mindset, thank you so much. Like I think the proposal surprise, not really being as much of a surprise is a thing. In heterosexual relationships, women are pretty perceptive, especially when it comes to proposals. If you're living with someone, you know their moves, You know they're ins and outs. Yes, the fiance, the boyfriend didn't ruin the surprise, but she kind of knew. And maybe if it wasn't the sister-in-law, it wasn't going to be a total shock.

Yeah. I mean, I think the whole idea of it even being a surprise is sort of stupid. It's like, you know, you've talked about getting engaged. You know you're getting engaged. Like, just about, it's like, I'm getting married. I had no idea I was going to be getting proposed to. like you know it's coming. Right.

The surprise is like when. It's not like you get a surprise. Here's like a gift you didn't see coming. But I mean, again, when you're in it, I could see why you're kind of like, you want this picture perfect moment where I kind of like the idea that she kind of knew. And now I'd be like, okay, I'm getting my hair done,

doing my nails. So the picture doesn't have this chipped thing in it. And again, like I think if it wasn't this, she'd have some other way. Anytime a man plans anything, I'm kind of like, you know, make, like, you never make reservations. I'm always the one planning everything. It's so true. When people just come out of their, like, you're going to sniff this out.

It's a big deal. You've probably been thinking about it for a long time. I get the annoying part of now all these people are in on it. So now she kind of has to maybe fake being surprised and that I could see being annoyed. because now you have to sort of be phony and or you have to be like, yeah, I kind of knew. I saw the text from so and so. Don't do that. Yeah.

I mean, you could do that after, like later. Yeah, I think you have to fake it, which is annoying. I get that. I think there is this fantasy thing from Hollywood or whatever that there's going to be a surprise, but that's kind of an old-fashioned notion when it was like there was some, suitor in the town that like, you know, was going to show up at your doorstep before you were even living together and propose. Yeah. Or off even made out before. Right. Right. Yeah. Once you're living with someone, you're going to kind of sniff it out a little bit. And on social media,

it's like everyone looks so surprised. But like I would say probably like 70% of those people are just making the face that you're supposed to make. I mean, again, you don't know the exact moment, even if you know the plan or the time frame. So it's like when exactly he does it on this day or whatever you feel like it's happening, you won't know the exact minute. And I think that's about as best as you're going to look, some people, I do think there's a handful of people that are totally caught off guard. But we've talked about this in some of my groups and I've had patients that are like,

I hate to say this because I kind of faked that I was surprised, but I kind of knew it was coming. And like so many people are like, me too, me too, me too. Me too. Me too. Yeah. Like you said, if a guy's planning a trip or a weekend, and that's not his MO. Or like very intent about the time you should leave.

I'm like. Right. Yeah, it's cute. But yeah, I could see because it wasn't, she could have been tipped off by a million things, but I guess because it was like this other person that wasn't her partner, it feels a little bit more like someone else ruined it for her. Yeah, exactly. And she did. It was a big oopsie, as we call it. And editing the text and removing it, I guess it was too little too late. I mean, if you're going on a trip, when you've picked out a ring already, if you've picked out a ring and you've talked about getting

engaged and you're going on a trip, I would assume every trip that I went on, I was getting engaged. Yes. So it is a big faux pa to ruin someone else's engagement surprise. So I will give her, I don't want to totally take that away from her. I get that. That's, she should have been more careful. And she realized it and her heart was probably pounding out of her chest, realizing that she did kind of ruin the surprise. But she knows. It's the engagement. It's still going to be beautiful. All the things you said. And there's a lifetime ahead of you. Hopefully there will be other surprises, more daily life, simple surprises. He comes home with a nice gift or surprises you with the trip. And if you do choose to tell him that it wasn't that you had a hunch, which honestly, like I said, I think you would have a hunch regardless or you had a hunch regardless. And a surprise is something that's an experience that you

want to have. Let him know. Like maybe you could try again down the line for something else. I agree. I guess it's a little annoying. I'll give it a five. If she really valued that element of it and it was taken from her in that way where it's, again, it's not like she said you're getting engaged this weekend. She gave you another big hint. Right. Yes. If she had been like, I'll see you after the proposal at the airport where it was like 100% clear. I'd put it a little higher. But I think it's just like, she already had a bunch of hints. This is another big one. Get Chernobyl's done. Take advantage of being less of a surprise. Yes. Yeah. I think a five is right. There's silver lining here. But PSA for anyone out there, if you want a surprise, then like don't go, don't pick out

a ring, you know, and like once you're- But also don't make it a surprise. Right. Because I think that's probably not a good long-term like way to start a, make, make that decision unilaterally. Yes, that too. So that's why the whole idea of surprise. It's like if you've picked out a ring, you know it's happening.

And so anytime there's like a buildup to a big thing. And I've seen this on the other side where someone thinks it's happening and then it doesn't happen. And then they come home from Italy and they're like completely depressed and annoyed and resentful. So I've seen this both ways. Right. I wonder if she would prefer he not do it this weekend and change the plan. And then she like thinks it's happening. Like would she want that.

She's probably so annoyed. That would be a good twist. You probably would be so annoyed if you're being. being honest. So I'll give it a five. Enjoy. Congratulations. By the time this airs, I think she said, it's this weekend. So yeah, this might be. Let us know how it went. Let us know how it went. So happy for you. And one day you'll laugh with your sister-in-law about this. Yes. And work on your surprise space. What? Were you surprised? Just to think about, I think I had the same thing. Like I had a feeling maybe it's going to happen this weekend and I didn't know the exact moment.

But when you're in that phase, you're kind of ready, expecting. Surprises are interesting just in general, just to talk about like the feeling of a surprise, which is why I'm like, maybe you could get that elsewhere. It's a really cool feeling. Like I always say my favorite surprises are like people surprises where like you're not expecting. to see someone and there they are, like someone that lives far away or something. And you're like, oh my God, this is, I miss you so much. And here you are right in front of me.

And I didn't realize that you were coming. Like, you know, surprises are great, but they are, they're like a bit of a roller coaster. Like if you're expecting it and it doesn't. And some people don't like them. Yeah. Some people hate surprises. But if you like that feeling, then just almost like a love language thing. Like tell your partner.

I really like the feeling of a surprise. So we have the rest of our lives together. Maybe we can arrange something else. Yes. Surprise me with divorce papers. Okay. Surprised. And then repurpose again.

Right. Yeah. Oh, my gosh. All right. Those are usually a surprise. Anyway. Yes. Those are.

You've been served. Oh, my gosh. I had no idea. This is coming. Anyway. We did it. We did it. Airtight in the group chat.

All right. That's our time. Great work today. Betches.