Oversharing - Am I Trapped In A Social Media Trance?

Episode Date: June 7, 2022

Naomi starts the week with a confession about falling into a social media spiral after starting the podcast, and Jordana shares her own experience with seeking approval in the podcast review page. Then a listener writes in about a friendship that turned tense after becoming roommates. How do you go about repairing a damaged relationship, especially when you live together? Plus, they talk about the challenge of airing your dirty laundry to mutual friends when it could come back to bite you. Next, they debate the Betchicist email of the week from a listener who found out a friend cheated on an exam. Is it your duty to turn a friend in, or are you obligated to keep their transgression a secret? Finally, they close things with a game of Triggered featuring a jealous spouse, an ever-present sibling, and a slighted co-worker. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

A quick note before we get into the episode, Oversharing is a podcast for entertainment purposes only. It is not a medical podcast and does not constitute medical or psychological advice. Always seek the advice of your position or a mental health professional. Hello and welcome back to Oversharing. I'm Jordana Abraham. And I'm clinical psychologist, Dr. Naomi Bernstein. So good to be back.

It's been now, I guess, a few episodes. So it's been really cool again to continue seeing the reaction. For anyone who's new here, who happen to join late, we can give a little refresher. Dr. Naomi and I are sisters. We are 10 years apart. She's a clinical therapist, and I give unqualified advice regularly. So we thought it would be great to join forces to start this podcast. And so far, the response has been really, really cool.

What have you thought? As someone who's, I mean, I've been in the podcast game for now probably almost five years. So I'm kind of like used to how everything goes. It's been interesting to share stuff with you and to see how you feel because you haven't been in it for that long. Totally. This is a brand new thing and getting so much really amazing feedback has been, it's been wonderful and it's been in some ways challenging. You know, like you shared with me a few things like the Apple podcast ratings that we, you know, we kind of appeared on some of the top podcast ratings.

And I am very mindful and aware. And I got like this rush, this flood of like, oh my gosh, this is so exciting. Like this made my day and just getting positive feedback from people saying, oh, this helped me. And so I ended up when I was feeling all that dopamine rush of the whole thing. So I made a couple of social media posts, which I usually don't do. Like it's not my thing. And I think I was swept up in the whole thing. And I was like, ooh, I'm getting great feedback.

I want a little more. So I went on, share it with the world. So I went on and then I found myself checking, like just checking and, you know, becoming aware of that I was spending more time on my phone and I was looking for, you know, different, you know, what people were going to say and did anybody like it. And so I stopped and I, you know, I told you I meditate pretty much every day. And that's the reason why I love meditation because it helps you like realize where your mind is. And I was noticing that like, in my meditations. I was like thinking about the podcast. I was thinking about the feedback. I was thinking about what I was going to say on the net, you know, pure thoughts. It was as meditation goes.

Yes. It was just a lot of like seeking X, this external validation from people. Of course, you want people to like the show and I want to help people, but I found myself in a little bit deeper than I'd like. So I probably won't be making any more posts and I'm going to be chilling out from all of that because I just realized that it ends up. That's why I don't recommend it. And I had a little, I had that experience in myself of the reasons how it can get kind of addictive and out of control. And meditation did help me realize, okay, this is intruding my thoughts more often than, and some of it's great. Like, some of it's, most of it was really great. But I know at some point we're going to get negative feedback and people aren't going to like something. So, um, and I also just don't

wanted taking up quite so much space in my head. So that was my experience. Yeah, the internet is a, is a fickle friend. Um, I like to say. Do you know what I mean? Sometimes you're up and then you're not. Yeah. Um, and I mean, it's interest, so interesting the juxtaposition between you and me. You're someone who's like never really been, you like have a Facebook and you have an Instagram, but you don't really, I wouldn't say you're active on either of them like, you know, maybe you'll post a picture of your kids like once every two years. Um, So super healthy in that way. And like I think part of that is like the generational gap between us again.

Right. Just even 10 years is not that much, but in the terms of social media usage, I think the gap is is much bigger. And then you see like even between me and someone who's like 22, you know, 10 years younger than me, it's even like more intense in that way or it's TikTok or it's something else. But I think me particularly being in a in a job where, you know, The job is on the internet. Right.

And so I'm constantly on the internet. And I sometimes wonder what my life would be like if I, you know, if I didn't have this job, which was all about Instagram and all about podcasts and all in reviews and comments and feedback. And like I got exposed to that, I think, at a super, like immediately after college, Betches started as a blog. So you've been counting views and all of this for a long, long, long time. Totally. When we started batches, we were in our college apartment and we had a blog and we would like refresh the thing and it was a little ticker at the bottom right corner and it would tell you how many views you had. And we like when it started going viral, it would just like

tick up. And it was like, like you said, like a dopamine rush. And we was like, oh my God, like this is so cool. And like also I think probably at that stage of development like, you know, as all of this, as Instagram was just on the precipice of just like blowing up. just like, then it just became a huge part of probably of me especially, but I think how a whole generation kind of evaluates their worth. Yes. Which is the dangerous part. And I think that this show can probably help unpack.

And for me, it's like, I've had days where I'm like, I should get off of Instagram. I'm not seeing things that make me feel good. But then you're kind of like, you know what I mean? Again, this is like the world that I live in is on the internet. What I do for a living is on the internet. I can't fully get away. but then I sometimes find myself like I'm refreshing Apple reviews. I say this on the time.

Like I read all the reviews. I joke that it's like to see how much self-esteem I should have that day. But it's totally based. A lot of it is based in some truth. And like when it feels good, it feels really good. When it feels bad, you're like, you can't stop thinking about it. I mean, I'll give you a good example of a time that I actually, usually like, again, because I've been doing this since I'm like 21, most of the negative stuff.

Like I can see it. it maybe stings a second and then I move on. Before my wedding, I got braces. I got lingual braces put in and I didn't realize that they were going to make me have like this huge Lisp. Okay. So podcasting with a Lisp was apparent to others. Exactly. So I like went on and I was like very, I was like very insecure. And you could hear it. And people were like, they were like laughing. But it was like, I get it. I would laugh too. The people in the room were laughing at you. Yeah, like the co-hosts of all the different shows I was on. We're just like,

what is going? Like, it was like very intense. Right, right. And then I read the reviews. I remember and there were like a few that were like, one of them was like, there was a review like making fun of the Lisp and like in the voice of a Lisp. Oh, it's writing out the T.

H's. Yes. In the voice of a Lisp. And I was like, oh my God, this like really hurts. And I never say this. It's like, this really hurt my feelings. Say it again. Say it again.

It's okay. It's okay. Yeah. I mean, so that's what I'm saying. It's not like a, I'm usually, I'm pretty like, I would say I have a pretty thick skin. Yeah. And I think that can cause me to maybe be a little bit more less sensitive or less brutally honest people. But then when you feel it, you're like, oh, I know what that's like. And it's a, it's a, it's almost like a good feeling because it's like, it like brings you a sense of empathy for like other things. Do you know what I mean? Totally. Well, I mean, so I guess that's a good thing. Maybe it made you aware of the jokes. that you might not, well, I don't know, maybe it made you a little less funny for a couple days after because you're filtering. But empathy is a good thing. Yeah. But I guess I've gotten away from the social media aspect of it. But it's just like reading others feedback. Like, I like to look at it like don't get too excited about anything positive and don't get too upset about anything negative because what someone else thinks of you is like not nearly as important

as like what you think about yourself. Right. And I just think it lends itself to a general feeling of allowing the external world to determine how you feel, which any time you do that, like whether it's bad things that just happened to you or people saying mean things or whatever, it's much more peaceful, you know, to kind of look inside in terms of how am I thinking about this that's making me feel badly, if that makes sense. You know, versus like a bad thing happened.

and now I automatically feel badly and I'm not even exploring that. I'm just like letting it happen automatically and then sinking into it. You know, versus like when, so for you being in media, it's much harder. For me, this is a thing that I do once a week. And when we started off, I was just like, this is so fun. I'm going to talk to Jordana for an hour a week and have a cool chat and hopefully help some people. And then when it started turning into like during the week, checking the stuff, then for me, I have the luxury of being able to say, I'm getting too much of this external stuff.

I want to go back to just like being in my regular life. So I do empathize with you. It's much harder because you can't really get out of it. That's what you do every day. But for listeners, whether it's external reinforcement, social media, or even just posting a picture and realizing that what you're looking for is people to say that you look nice, which is normal and it's fine. but if it's taking up too much space and you don't have to, like, you have to. But making the choice of like, when do I have to do this and when can I choose not to? Yeah. In that moment where you were caught up and you were like, you know, I'm checking to see the likes.

I'm checking to see like whatever. Like what did you do? Because I think in that moment, you're kind of like, well, I'm already here. I'm just going to like, it's almost like I would imagine like a binge eating thing. I'm already here. Like I'm just going to finish the bag of chips. Right. Like I'm already here.

I'm just going to like scroll until my eyes. bleed. Like, I'm all right. Like, how do you take yourself out of that? Because I think that's the hardest part. Like, it's almost like it's, and I can understand why you don't do it because you haven't been doing it. So that's not, no one expect, no one expects to see you at that party. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yeah, that's the thing is. And I'll say to my kids and my husband, like, tell me if I'm on my phone, like if I'm, and I love it actually, some people find it really annoying, but I love it when people remind me that I'm like in the trance of my phone. and say like, you know, if the kids are like, oh, why you'll stop looking at your phone.

I quickly can jump back and be like, okay, you're right. I'm going to stop looking at my phone. You probably find that annoying, like if Mike says to you. I usually say it to him, but then only when I'm done looking at my phone. I'll be like, and you're always on your phone. Right. And he's like, you were literally just on your phone until you, until you finish doing whatever you needed to do.

And then now it's an issue. Now time's up. So I like it when other people can remind me, but sometimes I'll just catch myself. And I guess if, you know, I guess with the reviews, right, which is a new thing. I read them too. I read all of them. And then when I was done reading them, that's probably when I finished. But I'm going to make a point to really, I do want to hear the feedback, though. It's a tough spot. You know, you want to know what's working. Like we talked about a few weeks ago, you want to know what's working, what's not, but you also don't want to allow it to, I think just being

aware of, you know, that's why again, meditation coming back and like meditating on it and being like, okay, that was great. I read that. But is that is something infiltrating my thoughts in the way? And it's tough to know, like, how do you remain true to what you think versus like taking every bit of outside feedback and making that who you believe you should be? And it's interesting because like Sean who produces this show, but also produces you up, I think is an interesting person to always roll this feedback off of, hi, Sean, because he's always like, if it's one person, just like, let it go. We don't. don't have to like change the show to adjust for every suggestion or feeling that any person

in the reviews or anyone who DMs you has like if it's like an overwhelming thing we're hearing like the masses like screaming for something then he's always uh encouraging me to take less feedback that's cool that you guys have had that conversation that's great no because it is it's very true um but it depends on what it is like if it's someone making fun of your list in a real serious way it's like, maybe I should postpone the podcast until I, you know, right. Well, it's like, what can I do about that? But I think it is interesting. Like, and I think part of that is knowing yourself. And that's probably true for like people of all ages, but especially I would imagine like if you have like teenagers or something like that. Like how much should they like be figuring out what they want and how they want to

be and how the, you know, the product that they want to produce and how they want to present themselves versus like tailoring that to what other people think they should be and should do. And that can almost just become a bigger, larger identity issue of like, am I being true to myself or am I being who I think people want me to be? Right. Totally. And I think the long answer to that is being able to tolerate the discomfort of perhaps a loneliness for a teenager, like if you're not part of the crowd and, you know, how to just

tolerate like I'm not I don't want to have to do what I have to do to be part of the crowd so I'm going to have to tolerate like a little bit of aloneness there that might be part of it because sometimes it's a fitting in issue and also you know I know some people find it cheesy but like affirmations in the way of like I know what I like about myself and I know the things like repeating or or bringing to consciousness the things that you know that you are that you like that you value about yourself or what your goals are in life and just kind of sometimes you can, A, people don't even think about that. Like what is important to me about, you know, projecting it to the world and to myself,

A, making a list of what that is. And then every week or whenever having some kind of a reminder of that so that you can kind of stay true to what's important to you. It's so easy to get swept up and just what feels comfortable and easy. Yeah. Cool. I like that. almost like having your own personal mission and then you can see how all of your actions like relate back to that mission.

You know what I mean? So it's like, I believe I am this kind of person are the things that I'm doing reflecting that. Well, that's what I think organized religion like works because they give you the mission and every Sunday you go in and you hear the mission and then you can remember that throughout your week. So I don't think you necessarily need organized religion to create your own mission and try to. to follow it throughout the week. But I like that. Yeah. Before we just wrap up this and get into our emails,

I think I probably went off course before when I, when you were, I asked you in the moment where you are on Instagram or on social media and you find yourself sort of like sucked into this mode, what is the thing that you need to do to like drag yourself out of it? Yeah. I think people have that moment where they realize they're doing. Like if you're in trance,

what I call it like the trance of worry or it could be a trance of social media or whatever it is. You're not going to be able to get out while you're in trance. But there might be that one moment where you're like, oh my gosh, I've been on my phone for, you know, an hour, two hours or however long or you rub your eyes and like your eyes are literally getting tired. And you have that moment of realizing it. That's your moment where find the pause. Find force a pause.

even if the pause is 10 seconds and in that pause is where you can make a decision to choose to go towards your mission or choose to continue doing what you're doing. And if you continue doing what you're doing, I guess that's fine. But that is your moment. So even just a 10 second pause, I think is helpful to say, okay, what am I going to choose here? I have a choice. Yeah, that's great. I like that.

And then because like so many of it's all, I feel like life or like creating the life you want is, It seems again, it's like that one time, like if you continued scrolling, you'd be fine. But it's more like, who do I want to be? If I do this 10 second break and I make a different decision many times than I'm a different person. Right. Yes. You know what I mean? It's like the sum of the parts is like greater than the individual.

So it's like if every time, if you do like, yeah, it's not going to kill you to keep scrolling that time. But it's like if you're then become the person who like does this, then that becomes part of who you are. Right. So you might catch yourself if you give yourself your 10 second pause and every single time you're choosing to go back on and continue after a while you might be like, okay, well, this is the problem. I need to, I'm continuing to make this poor choice. Yeah. But if you don't even give yourself the 10 seconds, you don't even realize you're making the choice and it just kind of seeps in. So, yeah.

I'm going to remember that next time I post in Instagram and then I just keep refreshing to see all the likes and God. pause and say, do I want to, you know, maybe you want to give in that day and you want to just keep going or like maybe you remember your mission statement that you have for yourself and that's not in line with it. So you can pull back. I like that. That's very helpful. Okay. Well, also, guys, if you have a topic that you want us to cover like social media used or meditation or something, email us at oversharing at betches.com or if you have something you feel like you need to overshare about. If you have something that you're kind of like, just need to like, just need to like. give all the details to someone who maybe could help me. Maybe there are too many details. A lot of the times it's easier on a voicemail because it's like you're telling it to a friend. So leave us a voicemail at 646-363-6294 and we'll play it on the show. Should we do today's overshare?

Yeah, let's do today's overshare. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi. I've heard you both on you up and I'm so glad you're doing this podcast. The first few episodes have been awesome. I also come from a chaotic blended family. so I can't wait to hear you unpack family dynamics on the pod. Always great to meet a fellow child of chaos. I'd love your thoughts on a roommate problem I'm having.

My roommate and I were in the same sorority in college, but weren't particularly close on an individual level. However, we're the only two in our city, so we decided to live together. At first, things were fine. But over the course of living together, a lot of little things have piled up to cause resentment. Some are small, roommate things,

uneven housework, not chipping in for communal items, etc. But the biggest issue for me has been our different levels of privacy. She is an open book, but that sometimes extends to her sharing details of my life that I haven't even told her. For example, she's texted our mutual friends in one-on-one chats I'm not in, things I order in the mail, a be my bridesmaid package I got that caused some unnecessary drama. When I came back to my apartment in the morning after going out in the early stages of me dating

my boyfriend, et cetera. I didn't say anything because I know I'm a problem. private person and I thought I was overreacting. But the biggest thing was her sharing private details about me and my boyfriend that she overheard in our apartment. Nothing sexual. Thanks for clarifying. We had a conversation about that one, but I don't trust it won't happen again since she

can be a bit of a gossip. So I feel uncomfortable slash eavesdropped on in our apartment and mostly stick to my room. Maybe I feel less violated if we had more positive interactions to balance things, but it feels like our relationship is just these little snippets in the group chat. I'm not a perfect roommate either. and there's probably resentment on both sides from various things. But I also think our issues go beyond roommate challenges. The friendship has just run its course and we don't share the same values.

I've accepted this and I know it's common for friendships to fizzle, but the tricky part is navigating our mutual friends and the remainder of our release, another 10 months. Our mutual friends all live in a different city so we don't see them often, but I know my roommate and I will always be in each other's lives because of these shared connections. I don't want to spread gossip or put our friends in an awkward position by venting to them, so I don't think they realize things are tense unless my roommate has said something. My questions are, is it crossing a boundary or making things unnecessarily weird if I mention

to people in our friend group that the two of us are on cold but civil terms? It feels childish to mention anything, but also like the elephant in the room. Should I move out of the apartment since I'm feeling so uncomfortable? I'd have to find a sub-letter, if so, which would cause more drama and potentially hurt than just waiting the remainder of the lease and I want to remain on good terms. Any tips for getting through the next 10 months, navigating social situations together in the future. We have a lot of mutual weddings slash weekend girls trips already planned that we'll

probably carpool for. Sincerely regretting resigning. What do you think? So I think it sounds like her attempts at communication here were minimal. And that would be my first. I know it sounds like regretting resigning doesn't want to do that. And I can totally understand why. Sometimes you feel like you know who a person is in a conversation.

You just feel like you know it's not going to work. work. Right. But in this situation, because it's so early in the lease and they still have 10 months together, I think it would be worth my first gut instinct is it would be worth just a nice, calm, you know, sharing conversation where she talks about how she feels. And she says she thinks there may be some resentment on her roommate's part. So creates an opening for her roommate to tell her about some of that and make a point to be really kind of validating if possible or understanding if possible about what she's going on. Because if they could fix this, there seems like it would be the best first choice. Right. Also, I would say like sometimes you could

actually enjoy someone as a friend and maybe they're just not the best roommate for you. So like I think she's like, and I can understand this because when you live with someone, sometimes like when it's not going well, it's like every little thing starts to annoy you, even if it's not really that big of a deal or it wouldn't annoy you like in. if you were just hanging out in a group of friends, it wouldn't annoy you. But because you live together, it's like, you know what I mean? Every little thing, it's like, and they're this and they're that. And like that's just so, you know what I mean?

You become like almost like you dig in deeper to your irritation when like this person might actually be like a cool, chill friend that you have in your life. But maybe they're just like not. Maybe you're living together has run its course. So I wouldn't like immediately jump to be like we're not friends and we don't like each other. Right. Okay. I thought for a second you were suggesting just if they moved out that it would be better. But what you were saying is that maybe she likes her more than she realizes and it's just because they're living together. Yeah. Right. I mean, you've had roommates before. I feel like I'm sure you know

like that can happen when like one little irritating thing is now like you've now created into like an entire personality trait of theirs. And because you see them all every day like you get them in such a high dose that it seems like everything about them annoys you. Right. Well, my feeling on little irritations, whether it be roommates or romantic partners or friends, is that little irritations are usually a sign of some budding anger. So I think that her irritations are the budding anger about her invading her privacy. So sometimes my advice is if you can figure out and get through whatever it is that you're

angry about or communicate the underlying anger, then the other little things sometimes go away. You can just kind of air some of that out. But I do see what you're saying. Like, she probably wouldn't be feeling angry at this roommate if she wasn't feeling like her space was being violated. And if they were just friends on the outside, I don't think she would be caring about any of this stuff. I agree with you.

Right. The little irritations. But I think that's a good point. It's like, because she's making it about all these, all these little things, right? and which there's probably like you said like the thing about the privacy is probably like the biggest and then everything else is like just a symptom of her anger in that regard right so i would yeah i think that's a great point maybe she should try to like figure out and put into words exactly what like is so hurtful or bothersome about that and find a way to like express it in a calm way right yeah if

possible because I just think that the alternative, which is just skipping all of that and going the awkwardness that she's going to have in that conversation is going to be tenfold if she just comes to her and says, I've decided to move out. I've subletted the apartment to somebody else that now you have to approve this. It's like a whole she has to like the person and the avoidance of that difficult conversation or the fear that it's not going to go well, I think cannot be compared to how poorly it will probably go if she just shows up. I'm assuming two months after they sign this lease, if it's a year-long lease and there's another 10 months and says, like, I'm leaving. That's going to be really uncomfortable and awkward, especially in these big group hangouts.

And look, if that's what she ends up having to do to preserve her mental health and her privacy, then that's that. But I would definitely try because it seems like she didn't even put in her questions here or anything about really talking to her about it. Like she's just assumed that it's not going to change. Right. No, that's a great point. And I think that that happens a lot, especially when your roommates in like your early 20s,

you don't have a ton of, a ton of experience with like peaceful confrontation and expressing your feelings. Like I know for me that was something that was so hard. Like it did seem like the easier, to me the easier solution was just like, go live in my own spot. Do you know what I mean?

Or spend time away. from them or like not hang out in the apartment. Right. When this is actually like a really good skill to be able to almost like self, let's say like take her out of it. Let's say you don't mean care about repairing the friendship, right? Even it had nothing to do with that. Like that's a skill I wish I learned earlier in life.

And I never really practiced that is like being able to express how I felt in a way that was like not in an angry yelling way, aggressive way or a blamey way, but just like in a really mature, thoughtful way is like such an important skill that even just using this to practice that would probably be, even if nothing good came of it, a really good experience for her selfishly. Right. No, I totally agree. And modeling it for her friend in a lot of ways.

Like sometimes it could feel even if the other, if you come at it in a kind and loving and not aggressive way and if the other person like takes it and blows it up, It's sort of like you're kind of modeling a way that you would like to behave or that you would like to communicate. And hopefully the roommate will see that and kind of match that energy. But if she doesn't, then you can leave being like, okay, I'm okay with how I handled that. Like, I really did the best I could. In these situations, I think it's always best to try for your A game. Like go for your best possible communication strategy first.

I would even say sometimes you might have to try that twice. And if you try that communication, you know, kind, caring, empathic, validating. So we could do a whole episode probably on like how to do these conversations. But I always, I use reflection, validation, and support as like your outline for how to have these conversations. like when, or that's more like on the receiving end if somebody's giving you criticism, like reflect back what they say. Okay, so what I hear you saying is you're upset when I do X, Y, and Z. Validation is I can understand why you feel that way.

That takes the crazy out of it. That takes the feeling that the person thinks that you're being unreasonable or over sensitive or irrational. So you validate their feelings. And then you say, how can I, what can support? How can I do to help? How can I make this better? what can I change.

So that's more feedback, I guess, if you're on the receiving end, but you can, if she comes at this listener with, well, you did this and you did that and you did the other, then she can use reflection, validation, and support to kind of take all the steam out of the interaction and hopefully have it come out on the other end with a really nice calm. That she can do that? Or like, how is, she's the one who has the issue. Right.

Right. But I'm saying like when the worst case scenario, right, is that she, brings this up and then the roommate maybe comes at her with like, well, you did, you know, she said there's probably resentment on both sides. So I think the fear is that she'll come at her with a bunch of stuff. You did this. Well, you did that. And I didn't like this. And then she can kind of use that listening strategy to sort of model how to receive feedback and how to take the scheme out of somebody when they're really feeling angry. Right. So yeah, I would, I mean, I'm speaking to the roommate now, hoping the roommate can do it. But I also hope the listener, the woman who's

writing in can do it as well because she might be met with some defensiveness and, you know, whatever it is. I didn't think you would care. Like, yeah, it didn't seem like it was private to me, whatever she would want to. No, I agree. Because it doesn't sound like the roommate's like a monster. Nothing she's doing sounds like it's like really malintention. Like maybe it's, again, she kind of thought of it as like, you have a whole group and like, you know, no one would. care if someone knew about this. Right. Well, also interesting. She says she's from a chaotic family. So maybe there's she is, you know, very private as a result of having like a lot of, you know, different personalities in her family. I'm not sure what her situation is. But she may be on the more

extreme of private. And, you know, and so the other, her roommate might just be like, oh, I didn't think it was a big deal if I told our group chat that like you didn't come home yet from your date or whatever. Right. She didn't think that that would be. so such a big deal. And the roommates, you know, the writer's entitled to want that to be private, but she may have to spell that out for her. Totally.

Perhaps, you know. What do you think about her other question of like, should I tell our other friends that like, I mean, she's speaking up behalf of her and the roommate that they're like in a cold war. But I don't know if the other roommate even feels that. But it's like, is it kind of like, do you think in her, I think this is also an interesting question,

especially when you have groups of friends. It's like, on the one hand, Is it okay to like talk a little shit and like vent to someone who understands situation because they know the other person? Or is that like an immature way of doing things and you should just deal with it with the person? Because sometimes it does help to get like a perspective of someone who sort of understands the whole scene. Right. My gut reaction is try it first. Try to communicate directly first.

And then if that, yeah, with her roommate. And if that doesn't go well, then I think you can. could start too, not in like a talking crap kind of way, but just in a, this is the struggle that I'm having. I always think that's slippery slope when you're venting to a mutual friend. I don't know that that's the best thing to do. But I think if she tried to talk to the roommate and it didn't work out well, then she could have the whole like, we're on cold but civil terms conversation. Right. The other friends just so they're not like, you know. Yeah, I agree. as long as it's not like a serious shit talking thing.

I mean, this leads to an interesting conversation. We could probably have a whole episode about like, and I think this is interesting for friendships and also for romantic relationships. Like, who can you bring your romantic relationship issues to? Like, because you want to respect in your relationship, like the sanctity of what you have going on in the privacy of,

and not like airing your stuff to someone else. But at the same time, you know what I mean it's important to have an outlet to talk about that but it's like if someone's in your lives and knows both of you like where is the line between like a disrespectful like you know airing of dirty laundry versus getting someone else's take in an intimate way about the problems that you're facing totally yeah that's really tough I mean if you're not in therapy then you don't you know because like we talked about before when you're in the moment the heat of it, it feels so intense and then you, you know, call someone and you vent it all

out and then you guys make up and three days later and the friend doesn't realize so you go out to dinner and she's like scowling in him about how he, you know, behaved. Or it's like, yeah, because it's kind of like they're only getting your side and in the most heated moment when you're like, you know. Yeah. And you want like, you want like the intimacy of sharing a problem without the judgment of like or again, it's like you don't want to disrespect your relationship. by airing things, but sometimes I think in the opposite way, they can lead to you people just pretending everything's perfect all the time, which also isn't healthy. Right.

Yeah, I think looking for, if you're going to do that and you're going to talk to a friend about your relationship, looking for someone who's very supportive of your relationship, if it's healthy, you know, if you're in a healthy relationship and it's something that you love and you're married or, you know, you're really, I'm not talking about finding someone who's supportive of an abusive relationship or that type of thing. but if you're in a good relationship, venting to a friend who's going to be middle of the road, you know,

like venting to the friend who's like going to go crazy and get all angry and, you know, and use it against you in a later time or something. Yeah, or get angry at him or just like, you know, fuel negative emotions. I don't think is the best choice. I would pick someone who might say something like, well, you know, what do you think he was feeling

when he said that or like what might be going, you know, just someone who's going to be. kind of calm and somewhat impartial if you have to do that. So you're not running the risk of, one, talking to someone who's then you're going to have to deal with their anger later, because then you're going to kind of undo that. And two, you know, going to potentially provide some, you know, reasonable, neutral perspective. Right. It's a tough spot. I have that, you know, I personally have that issue. I think a lot of people do in terms of, you know, talking about your

sort of cherished romantic relationship, it feels like disrespectful. You know, it's kind of private and it should be between the two of you, but there are those moments when you feel, and this is something I think a lot of people make the mistake of early on in a relationship is like talking to their parents about their romantic relationship and the troubles that they're having there because then, you know, your parents are your protectors. So sometimes it's hard to walk that back. Right. Like someone who might be like biased in the situation is, you know,

usually a little bit, maybe not the best person to tell as opposed to someone who's like literally just like, and that's why a therapist is great. Right. Because they don't care. They don't know the person. They're not going to like see them at family dinner or something like that. And they're not like on your side just inherently by nature of you being their child or their friend or their sibling or something like that. Right. And that's why something like even if you do, you know, better help or one of those where it's like you don't you can kind of do a text thing. every now and then and just kind of get it out to a therapist via text or an online conversation when you're just feeling those icky's and you just need to get it out and then you can almost pretend it never happens. Yeah. Or call our hotline at 646363-6294 and let us know what happened or write us an email at oversharing.com. A lot of the time, it's so funny because like sometimes we'll get emails and they're like very intense. And then you get like another email like a follow-up email like a few hours to a day later being like, hey, like, I don't really need,

like, we felt really good just writing this out. Like, I don't really actually need you to like read this on the podcast or answer this. Just like wanted to. It just felt really, it just helped felt really helpful to write it all out. Totally. I had a friend recently who, you know, told me that she wrote in to our podcast to just like get it off her chest. She just, and she was like, you know what? I just feel so much better having written that. It's like writing in a journal, but there's a little bit of an audience. Exactly. But if you don't want it to be read, then please do send the follow-up email because we assume everything's fair game if it's sent it. If it's in there, yeah. Yeah. But I think we help this person, interested to hear how this feedback with the roommate goes. Totally. It was posted.

Okay. Yeah. I would, I mean, just one more thing, I guess, because she has tips about getting through the next 10 months. I think take it one step at a time and see how that feels. Again, like if you've tried talking to her a couple times. Like, and that doesn't go well. Like, then you can take, I wouldn't like think 10 steps ahead of like, how am I going like deal with the next 10 months. It's like, what can you focus on and control in the immediacy, which is like one communicating how you feel.

When that doesn't work, then you can discuss like what the next step would be. I agree. And I also did have one more thought, which is she talked about like injecting some positivity into the relationship, you know, like if she was, if they were having more fun together and had a better relationship. So maybe after this conversation, you guys can do something fun. And, you know, once the kind of all the stuff is out

and all the wound is cleaned out a little bit, maybe you can kind of plan a fun night together, do something that's going to bring you closer and see how all that goes. And again, I agree with, you know, you don't have to look at the next 10 months. Take it step by step. Right back in if it doesn't work.

Try the convo. Let us know. If it doesn't work, then we'll walk you through the next steps. And maybe you'll discover that you actually do like her. And it's a good, again, like, it's a good practice for like not just immediately cutting and running when things seem like they've hit a little bit of a rough patch, like learning how to like talk your way through it. Let's do the betchesist. Do you want to read it? At school, I have a quote unquote friend who told me she cheated on our final exam.

I'm in a tricky situation because that is clearly not allowed. we are all in the same curve. Kind of frustrated that she did that and even more that she told me. But if I tell the administration, she would almost definitely know it was me. I don't know who else she told. And it could have serious consequences when she gets licensed later on. I feel like she's the type of person that would tell everyone it was me, which would also suck. I think not her business personally.

I wouldn't say anything because I wouldn't say anything because I I also, I think that like everyone to some degree has like, I assume, I mean, maybe they haven't. I have. I have like cheated on a test before or like, you know, copied someone's homework or done some sort of iteration of that. And I think to like to tell is to pretend that you've never done that. If you want to express to her that like it's upsetting to you that she cheated, that's one thing. But I think to like go and tell the administration is like, who is that really helping? Like, who is that really helping?

You know what I mean? No, I agree. I don't think. I tell my kids all the time, snitches get stitches. I mean, I don't really mean it. But, you know, like my kids will, you know, my. It's not something you would expect from a therapist. No.

No, it's not. But I also don't, I also don't want my kid being feeling like she needs to be the policemen of the like of the entire class like she will come home and you know they so my oldest is you know she's kind of like a type a you know she likes to do things the right way so they were doing group project and she comes home and she's like I'm the only one doing all the work they're not doing anything this kid's you know looking online he's watching videos the other ones like you know looking up you know cute puppies on the internet and I'm the one that's like doing all the research. And if they don't stop it, I'm going to tell the teacher. And I was like, please,

like, you cannot, you know, that's not a good way to make friends. You know, you can't just run and tell. So I, so I don't know if I would say snitches get stitches is like a model for life. But, you know, I think that what you said, which is coming to her and just saying, hey, I'm really having a hard time with this. Like, I know that you said that, but we're on a curve. And it just makes me feel really angry and just getting all of her expression of her anger out directly to the friend in whatever way she feels like she needs to. But I agree. I don't think that telling. Because like who is like I think you have to think of these things. It's like, okay, sure, this is an immoral act. Who is the victim here? Right. It's like. Well, she feels like she's also

sort of the victim because of the curve. But like right. In reality, right? In reality, she's one student. right? Like if the curve is that messed up by one student doing really well faking like that's not a very good curve. Or like, do you know what I mean? Like if I copy someone's homework like who's the victim? Like I'm the victim really because I didn't learn the thing and then like I'm not going to have the knowledge of the thing and like maybe all artificely like do you know what I mean? Like I'm taking a shortcut that's not really helping me or maybe it's just helping me get by this thing and it doesn't really matter and there's no victim.

So I like to think of it in terms of that like any immoral. act like who is it really really hurting personally. And again, that's sort of taking myself out of it entirely, my personal feelings about the wrongdoing that's going on. Because things aren't black and white. Like that's the whole point of the segment. It's like. Right.

And again, maybe it is, maybe this is objectively wrong, I guess, like sort of. But I think she's really, she's right to be angry. I can understand why she's angry. I can. Because then if everyone just cheated, then. you know, nothing would work. And she wouldn't have had to, I'm sure, study really hard for this exam. So I could see why she's angry.

But I don't think that she needs to take her anger to the administration. I think she can tell her friend directly. And if it's not, if she's not willing to have that confrontation with her friend directly, then it's probably not worth. It's worth just letting go. Like if the confrontation seems like too stressful, then like you said, what, it's probably a matter of like a quarter of a point. whether or not this particular person got a hundred or got a 70.

Right. And if you want, you can bank like that other thing we have with the ethical dilemma last week. It's like bank that information about her. That's not something you like. Then like, again, maybe she's not like a real friend for you.

But like, I don't think bringing her down is going to really make you feel that much better or like really do anything to solve the problem. Right. And she probably will tell everyone that it was you and that's going to cause more problems for you. So you have a right to be angry, but I would address it directly with her. I agree instead of going to the administration on this one. Would you call this feeling that she has like resentment? Would you call it that or not? Or is it? I mean, resentment feels to me a little bit more of like a filled up of things. And this is like just anger and maybe even a little like jealousy in some way. right like well or why does she get to not right do well on the test and not study for it or something like that I mean it's interesting it's like I guess why like I'm trying to think why she would feel so strongly about this because I've met people who have like cheated on the SATs right and I've I didn't cheat on the SATs like I studied did what but it's also kind of like

it didn't yeah not really I would say it's kind of like, oh, it's kind of like weird when someone gets away with that. You're kind of feeling like that's a little unfair. But I'm also kind of like, there's so many things that are unfair, like so many advantages that so many people have, that I have, that other people don't have, that even if I didn't cheat, but I, you know, I got a tutor. Right. Or I had this other thing, like, I had all these other resources to help me get there. Like, who's to say that one thing is so much more fair than the other? Who am I to be the one who's going to like decide? who, you know, who deserves this the most or doesn't deserve it.

Yeah, I can see that. I mean, look, there is the other side, which is, you know, there are schools that run on an honor code. And I think there's something to be said for, you know, there's something nice about being able to trust somebody and to just do the right thing, you know, like that whole honor code system. I like that. It's like your own personal feelings of righteousness.

you know, make you want to do the right thing without needing somebody to be watching you over your shoulder the whole time. So I get that she, I do, I think I get more than you do that she's upset by this and you're also kind of, you know, like more degenerate. I mean, you know, you said you have cheated on an exam. A lot of people have it. So maybe you just personally have a little bit more, you know, a little bit more leeway for something like this. or you can relate to it a little bit more. When there are people that have gone their whole life being like, I've never cheated on an exam and like life would have been much easier if I would have done that.

So they're- Yeah, I guess I could see that. Right. But I do agree with you that, you know, talk to her directly. And it might feel good to get it out of your system, but get out of your system to her. And again, but yeah, I don't think that the cisteration seems extreme enough to war. No one's in danger to me. Right.

this moment where telling someone would really like save someone in this. And again, I don't know what the test is. And it might be enough to deter your friend from doing it again. If that is your concern that she's going to go through her career, whatever it is, and just be a, you know, a dangerous practitioner of whatever it is that they're getting licensed in because she's not learning it and she's not doing the work. Maybe it would be enough of a deterrent. If you came at her and very strongly told her like, this is really not.

not nice and bad and these are the reasons why. Like if she, so there might be some change on her part if she realizes that it was a bigger deal of them. That's true. I do think though, like even if you've never treated on a test, I'm sure everyone can think of a time. They didn't act in the most morally pure way of all possibilities.

And everyone, obviously, there's people with different degrees to that. But I just think like to be on such a high horse about, I don't know how big or important or intends the test. was or what the real consequences are, how much it actually really would affect her. But I like to think like, I wouldn't like to live in a world where we're all just like watching each other for like the smallest infractions and then kind of like thinking that we're better than other people because we didn't do it.

Right. No, I hear that. That's why I think it's a conversation, right? It's good to have a conversation about it. And, you know, instead of just jumping to like, I'm going to judge you now you're a bad person. and I'm putting you in that box. Right. Because she might say, look, I had this thing or I really, you know, whatever.

She might explain a little bit about what happened or why she was going on for her, that she had to make that choice at that time. And it might humanize her a little bit more than just like she's an evil person who cheats. That's true. And you might feel less of an urge to get like revenge on her by. Right, right. Telling someone. Yeah, you always feel more empathic when you hear the backstory of why someone did something.

That's true. on the surface seems really terrible. Well, thank you for submitting that and send your emails to oversharing.com or leave us a voicemail at 646363, 663, 6294. Should we play triggered? That's play triggered. We've been getting some very good submissions. So email us, your triggered submissions, oversharingabedbetches.com.

These are real, all from listeners. And I thought they were pretty good. My fiance and I coach my stepkids little league team together. and their mom typically comes to watch them play. This past weekend, my fiancé had to work and showed up late to the game. And when he walked into the dugout, his ex-wife led out a very vocal, woo-hoo. Do I have a right to be incredibly upset by the cat-calling of my fiance by his ex-wife?

Interesting. This whole dynamic seems interesting because, okay, go ahead. Give it your rating and then I'll tell you what, I think. I think I'd give it like a five. I would say on the scale of one to ten. Because like, I don't know. It's not like she like grabbed his ass. Right.

She get out of like there. You kind of like, if to think about like, I guess that she's interpreting it as a cat call, but it could just be like a friendly. Like, all right, coach is here. Woohoo. Yeah. Like whatever.

Like I think that she might be a little triggered by this because maybe she has some insecurities about the nature of their relationship. And maybe she doesn't want, she thinks they're a little too close for her ideal. life. But if they have kids together, I think this is kind of a nice thing, right. Personally. And like he would be, here's the thing. They were married. They have kids. If they wanted to be together, I think they'd be together. Yeah, that's a good point.

Right. When you have those fears of, you know, there was a lot that they had to give up in order to not be together. So it must have really been worth it to them. Right. What do you think? I kind of agree. I don't think the woohoo necessarily was a cat call. I think you're right. she was interpreting it as that. Like I think she might have just been in game mode and it's like, woohoo, coach is here. Like,

all right, let's get started or, you know, that type of thing. But I also, I had a moment of thinking of the mom's perspective where she's not the one coaching the team with the dad. Like his new fiancee is coaching her kids team.

So maybe there is a little bit of a feeling on the mom's end of like, I want to insert myself. and like I'm here too kind of thing right I'm their mom I'm here I'm at the game like she's probably down in the dugout with the dad and the kids and wearing the uniform and like all up in it and the mom might be feeling sort of like left out so that's a good point I didn't even think of the mom yeah she probably this this writer probably did not want that answer so I apologize in advance because it's not what you wanted to hear. But yeah, so that being said, if you interpret it as like a sexual cat call, like, look at this hot guy coming down, I could see why it would upset you.

So maybe there is a backstory to, you know, or at least like you're saying, there's some insecurity there in terms of their relationship. Right. So I can understand. Yeah. You would assume if she had no feelings of insecurity about it, she would just be like, like that's just her, like. like being a little embarrassing for her. Right. Right.

I'm so sorry. You're embarrassing yourself like that. Terrible. Do you know what I mean? Like, obviously, like you say, like if you're triggered by something, it's pretty reflective of like a feeling like.

Would you say something to like her or your husband if you were her? I'd probably say something to the husband. Like what was with her woohoo? That was so, you know, I just, I think she should tell her, Beyonce,

that she, you know, just kind of mention it or say like, what did you make of that or she could kind of get some of this out by talking to him. I wouldn't like, you know, attack him and accuse him or anything. That would be the worst thing you could do. But I could just be like, did you notice that she was very, seemed very excited when you walked out onto the field?

Like, what do you think that was? Right. And then maybe also like it might make yourself feel better just because he'll be like explaining, you know what I mean? Like maybe he thought it was weird too. Right. Yeah. He might be like, yeah, I noticed that.

I don't know what that was, you know. But yeah. This is an interesting dynamic. But good one. Thank you for sending that in. Yes. Let's do another one. Okay. I live alone in a two-bedroom flat with a small guest room. My boyfriend spends six out of seven days a week at mine. He's officially moving in next month. My younger 24-year-old brother moved to town six months ago and has been living in the guest bedroom since free of rent.

I'm so sick of him always being there. My boyfriend and I not getting our intimacy time. Am I being mean by wanting him out and very frequently asking him, to get his own flat. I'm triggered. I could see why that would be annoying. I don't know if this is like triggering. Right. Personally, I don't know.

I would give it like a two on a trigger scale because I find this to be more annoying than a triggered thing where it's like, yeah, you like want, you don't want to live with your brother. Right. And like that's, I think that's perfectly fine. Like I would, I think I would be annoyed too. Right. Well, maybe what's triggering is that it sounds like she's frequently.

asking him to leave and he's not. So that I could almost see as more of like triggering thing. Like you're not listening to me and you're not even you're still here. You're still here. You know, so like her wanting her own space with her boyfriend totally normal asking him to leave. Great communication. But the fact that he's like maybe not leaving. I could see that like almost as I'm reading it or thinking of it in that way. It feels a little bit more like that body like tension feeling of like I'm not being respected. I'm not being heard. I feel stuck. Right.

That is I could see is a little bit more triggering. What would you do in that scenario? Oh gosh. If she keeps asking him or she said frequently asking him to get his own flat. Not. Then maybe like I wouldn't ask him to pay rent because then he's just going to really dig in and stay. You mean like if he does pay rent. Right.

Then he'll be like now. I get to be here when I, you know, like now I just stay here forever. I mean, it's so surprising to me that he wouldn't leave because that would be like my worst nightmare is just like staying somewhere where I'm clearly like, I've overstayed my welcome. Yes. Maybe he really just doesn't have money. I don't know. There's not enough information here, I think, to say what to do.

Maybe she could come at it from a like instead of like, when are you leaving kind of way of like, let's discuss like the plan for like moving you more permanently into the city. right how can I help right yes that's good how can I help maybe you know you know if he's young maybe he doesn't know like how to do it or you know you probably need first months last month security like you know you need a lot of stuff you need submit tax returns like maybe he's just not you know mature enough to know how to do all that stuff so he's just being lazy and staying there so maybe if she did offer some guidance yeah that might help again we don't have enough info. But I could see being irritated that she frequently asks him to get his own flat and he's

still there. Right. They must have some sort of like deep-seated sibling thing where like that would be the dynamic that was acceptable. Right. You know what I mean? Right. It's like I constantly tell you you can't borrow my shirt. Right. It's true. The one with a lot of sisters. I can. Totally. There's a certain level of disrespect that's come to be expected. And then it just, right, it's like normalized. Whereas like with a friend, you'd be like, all right, get it like. Right. You only need to ask once.

And then like it's so awkward and uncomfortable and they're leaving that night and never going to talk to you again. Totally. Siblings are one of the few relationships, I feel like, where there is so much comfort in just being like an asshole. Yeah. It doesn't feel weird. Right.

Right. That's true. That's what's happening here. He's just like, okay. so you don't like it. Tough shit. That sucks. You don't like a lot of things.

Tell mom. Right. All right. Let's do one more. Okay. I work at a small PR company less than 10 employees. Our senior most PR person is retiring soon and she is managing our largest client. Once she retires, I am the next PR person that has been with the company the longest,

three years. And although I'm at my max capacity with clients, I feel like the largest client should go to me and I could transition others to my coworkers. We have a new hire starting in a few weeks. She's around the same age as me, late 20s. And my boss mentioned that she wants her to take over the largest client. Is it fair that she gets the client just because of the timing for her aligns with the retirement? How triggered should I be?

So my initial thought on this is she didn't even ask for what she wanted. That was my gut feeling as well. Like, how is anyone supposed to know you even want? You just said you were maxed out. Right. Right. But I have a feeling if you go into your boss, if she goes into her boss and says, I'd really love to, you know, to work on this client. Maybe you could give the other ones to the new person. She might be like, that's a great idea. Thanks. Right. It's so funny how we can build a whole story

in our heads about like the injustice is being done to us when like it could all be avoided by just expressing yourself. You know what I mean? Like, and I, I'd do this too where I'm like, sometimes I build up a whole like angry case for like why I'm right in the situation, why the other person is like wrong me. And then like you get a little more information and you're like, oh, that was easy. It's like the bringing it back to the customer service thing. Do you know what I mean? When you're like and like JetBlue is like taking advantage of me and wants to, you know what

I mean? And like doesn't care and it's canceling my life. And then you call and you explain this. Sometimes this happens. Sometimes you call and you explain the situation. and you're like, oh, yeah, I could see why that would be tough. Let me like reverse that. I didn't even, we didn't even know that you wanted that.

Right. Totally. Totally. So I think this might be for her an issue of her own issue and not feeling like she can assert herself or not feeling like she has a voice in her company, something where she, you know, or maybe just navigating the corporate world and realizing like you do have a voice and you can express what you want. They may or may not do it.

but the first step should always be at least asking for what you want. And then if at that point they say no, then you can come back and have this whole conversation about how unfair it is. Right. Yeah. Like to have, again, this whole anger built up in your head for no seemingly no reason yet. Or like,

I guess maybe it's the anger that the, and I think this happens with like partners too sometimes where you're like, like of course you would, people just assume that people know things. Like, of course you would know that I would want that, right, that I wouldn't want that or that I would want to do, I wouldn't want to go to this place on Saturday. And it's like that story that you're building up in your head is often a lot more

times a lot worse than the actual reality here. So I would try that. So your triggered rating on this is low. I would say it's, yeah, I would say it's low because she hasn't even said anything. So I would give it like a two because the person didn't automatically know. But if she said something and, the person's like, nope, that's what we're doing. I could see it being, it would increase.

Great. Right. Well, that's it for this week's oversharing. If you guys, again, if you have an email or a topic, you want us to talk about, oversharing at betches.com, oversharing at betches.com or leave us a voicemail at 646-363-6294. All right. That's our time. Great work today.

Oversharing is produced by Sean Kilby, Jorge Morales-Picot, and Rebecca Salz-Makhan. Editing by Missileo Perez. Yes, booking by Allie Friedlander. Send your advice emails to oversharing at betches.com. We'll leave us a voicemail at 646363-6294. Betches.