Oversharing - Are My Emotions Too Much For My Partner?

Episode Date: December 19, 2023

Today on Oversharing, Dr. Naomi conducts a dream analysis on one of Jordana’s recent nightmares. New segment alert? Our Overshare comes from a post-breakup Betch who does not want you messing with her corn cobs. The Betchicist goes out to a friend feeling overwhelmed by the burden of a destination wedding. Dr. Naomi writes an intention for a new mom grappling with her daughter’s unfortunate diagnosis. And we’re feeling triggered by stolen baby clothes and stolen baby names. Check out our latest promo codes here: https://betches.com/promos Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

A quick note before we get into the episode, Oversharing is a podcast for entertainment purposes only. It is not a medical podcast and does not constitute medical or psychological advice. Always seek the advice of your physician or mental health professional. Hello and welcome back to Oversharing. I'm Jordana Abraham. And I'm Dr. Naomi Bernstein. So great to be back with you.

I wanted to tell you about my dream and get your take. Do you get this a lot? I do. I don't think people realize. how personal a dream is because it's like your undefended mind. Right. That's like the inner workings of all of your stuff kind of coming out. And then when you share it with someone, I love dreams for that reason.

Because a lot of times people are like, oh gosh, you just like saw into my soul. And I really didn't mean to tell you that much. Totally. I think we can all recall like the most fucked up dream we've ever had. And you tell someone you're like, oh gosh, I just bared my soul by telling you that whatever random symbolic thing came up in their dream. But yeah, myself and the listeners are ready to unburden you. Well, now that you've said it like that, I don't want to share it with public. So I have this dream. I mean, I think I might have told you about this dream.

I have this dream every, I don't know, three to six months. Okay. Yes. And the dream is that Mike, my husband has left me or tells me that he's leaving me. me, right? And it's weird because, like, I don't have this fear in my, like, waking general life, really in my mind. Like, I don't, I don't feel, like, insecure that he's, like, going to go somewhere. I don't feel worried about the state of our relationship. Like, I feel like it's going very well. But every three to four months, I have this dream where he tells me he's, like, leaving. And there's not even, like, a real, he doesn't ever even have, like, a real reason he just like not feeling it anymore um but we know what's funny also because i have this dream

and then i wake up and i'm like upset with him because he's left me in the dream yes um and he's always like okay i didn't really do anything obviously and i'm like no like the answer like what i'm looking for is like i love you i would never yeah that is what you're looking for yeah that's what i'm looking for in the in the mornings and this morning i was like why don't you just say that because he's like getting ready for work. It's like trying to get at the door. And I'm like, like, I had an upsetting dream. Like, why don't you just like lean in a little more? Mm-hmm. So he says that and he's like, oh, love you. Of course I'm not leaving. I'm not going anywhere. And then he like leans in. He gives me a hug. And I'm like, and I whisper into his ear, I wouldn't go quietly.

He's like, I know. Basically. Thanks for the reminder. But. But. You know what else is weird about this dream that I have is that I've had it so often now that for the first time last night in my dream, it was like, I guess the version of being my dream is like when he said he's leaving, it's like, oh, you've said this before, but it never really happened. Oh, so it was like kind of slightly like a lucid dream. Like you sort of realize maybe you were dreaming? Like I don't even know. Or like in the, or like there's a, there's like a version of me in this dream world. where I am

like constantly being told that like Right. He's going to be left, but then he doesn't actually leave, but then there's a part of me that thinks that's still a possibility. Right. And obviously like our mom has given us like a lot of like anxiety and fear around like being abandoned by men.

And that's probably a deeper, more personal story for a different day. But so I'm sure there's some of it. Yes. In there. So let me ask. you a follow-up question. In the dream is the setting in which he tells you this the same every time or is it different? And what is the setting? It's kind of private. Like it's not like in

publicly telling me he's leaving. I think last night it was like just in our room. And he was like so, I remember him in the thing. I was like he was so calm about it. And he was like just seemed like very casual and not like not understanding that I'm like freaking out or not like feeling bad or something that's that was a weird part so he's calm and you are what how would you describe your emotional state like devastated like spiraling and crying or screaming like angry I don't know it's hard to like fully remember but I think probably like angry maybe if I had to guess right right But like sad or but I kind of just like like disbelief. I don't know.

Yeah. It's very. But even I don't know why I'm in such disbelief. My dream self gets dumped every few months. Should be used to this by now, which you kind of are. Like you're almost realizing in the dream like, okay, we've been through this before. You never end up actually leaving. And in some in some way, it's almost a little bit for my real self.

In some ways, it's like almost a little nice. It keeps me on my toes. fucked up. Well, it's like you said about when he wasn't answering your text or something that time when he was away and then you were, you guys were separated and then you were like, more interested in him. Right. Yeah, there might be something there to that.

I think the, whenever I think about dreams, I feel like the emotional state that you're in in the dream is really important. So the idea that he's like calm and you're worked up, I think there's something. to that, which is maybe part of the underlying. Interesting. I could see that. Yeah, something about like the disparity between where his emotional state and your emotional state. I'm hesitant to really dig because we're like on air.

On an air on a live. Do you want to text me about it after? I just don't want to expose too much here in front of the listeners, which is why dreams are so interesting. I'll just, you could, you could chew on that a little bit. So there's that. And then there's this like, I think just like you said from hearing, it's almost like intergenerational trauma, you know, like Holocaust trauma or whatever, where it's like, it kind of gets wired into your DNA that there's been this like intergenerational trauma.

So because that was, you know, our mother's trauma, it seems like it sort of is passed down in some way, like, you have to maintain a protection over this. Yeah. And it feels like, I guess that's also like, you think about, like, I guess I imagine that you become overly stressed with the things that you saw people overly stressed with in your upbringing, you know, whether it's like money or relationships or like being and like to, I think in our house, it was like the idea that a man would like abandon you or leave you was really.

and it wasn't even my dad. Like, I didn't even see this. This is before I was even born. Right. The idea that that could happen was always painted as like the worst possible thing that could possibly happen. And all the ripple effects that would potentially happen as a result of that. Yeah.

So it's probably leaving you on your toes, even though you feel secure in your relationship when you're conscious. I think your subconscious is picking up on maybe these subtleties of like, he's calm and I'm a little bit more emotional. And is that like a breeding ground for something or is he not saying something or? And yeah. And I also think I run this dating podcast, right? And so I also have this other sense of like, you know, and I speak to Jared.

I also have this other sense of like men, like women will like constantly complain about things they want men to change. And a lot of the times, I've said this before, men just like secretly think about all the things bothering them. Yes. Until one day they decide they don't, they would like to just like leave the relationship because of this thing you've been doing the whole time that have secretly kind of annoyed them.

And then it seemingly feels like it comes out of nowhere. Yes. Well, that's a perfect segue into our emails for the day because I think one of the emailers has that issue. But yeah, that's why therapy is great even when you're not having problems or at least having this open communication, especially when you're married to someone who does not wear their heart on their sleeve, who can be really upset about something and maybe not necessarily show it. We talked last episode about people that are very interpersonally in tune when you come from,

you know, parents that are very emotionally, you know, that kind of spill their emotions onto their children, their children become very emotionally in tune. And the opposite can happen when, like we talked about, other people's emotions don't affect you that much growing up. Right. So then you just kind of, you know, learn to be a little bit less sensitive and perhaps not show as much or not feel as much or as deeply about little things. So it kind of, you know, you're not getting a lot of feedback all the time. Perhaps. Right. Yeah. About someone's emotional state or state of being or whatever. Like, but maybe they're just fine.

I don't know. I don't know. And they probably are fine, but the check-in every now and then is good. And also, like, listening when they're saying they're not fine. So, like, we could probably just jump into the email because I think it's very, it's- Yeah, we'll segue. We'll make it less about me and make it more about the listeners with the emails. Yeah.

I do think there's sometimes, like, You want to know how your partner's feeling. Like if there's someone who doesn't express emotions that much, but then when they do, you're kind of like, but I don't like what you're saying. So like you're wrong and this is bad and now I'm mad and shut up. Yeah. It's like, do I want to ask questions? I don't want the answer to or like do I, am I okay with what we've got going on here?

Right. And I think the answer is kind of like sometimes a little like in the middle. It's not always like I want to know every single thing you're thinking. like if I'm wearing a dress and you think that it looks horrendous on me and I didn't ask, I don't know that I need to hear that. So I don't necessarily. But like, you know, if you've been secretly resenting me for the way that I put the dishes in the dishwasher for 20 years, like, yeah, that's something you could probably mention and stuff. Yeah.

Yeah. So, all right, let's get into our email. But I'm happy to unpack any and all dreams. Send them in. Maybe we should have a sec. maybe we should have a segment. Oh, that would be great.

Yeah. We need a lot of, I need detail. Context. Yeah, that's the issue. Detail. I need stuff.

But if anyone out there is willing to spill it all in a dream email, happy to unpack that. Yeah. You could even if you could leave, let's leave it in a voicemail that's under three minutes at 646363-6-294. Or you can email it oversharing at Betches.com. This is fun. But again,

give us like the relevant background where you think the dream is coming from any past stuff that comes up and an important piece i will say is how you were feeling in the dream interesting okay that's an important piece of it more so than any specific context right i think i was feeling a panic right that was also part of like a panic yes him being calm and you feeling panicked, I think is like playing into this insecurity or whatever it is that's coming up in your subconscious. Well, congrats, Mike. You're in for a long talk tonight.

Let's do the overshare. All right. Let's do it. I'll read it. Okay. Hi, Dr. Naomi and Jordana. I love your podcast and I find it so helpful. I listen to each episode religiously, but apparently that might be to a fault,

according to my ex-boyfriend. I'm currently going through a breakup and I was hoping you can provide your insight on the situation. Last year, right before Thanksgiving, I got upset because my boyfriend threw some cord cops away that I needed to make a stock with. He said he could take it out of the trash since it was empty and the corn didn't touch anything. I told him I didn't want to serve our friends trash corn. I'm sure she said it just like that. He offered to buy more corn at the store and I said, okay, in a reluctant upset tone. When he came back from the store, the time and space allowed my emotions to calm down.

He hugged me and I apologized. I expressed how I take pride in the food I make and I just wanted to serve our friends the best food for Thanksgiving. He told me he was trying to be helpful with keeping the kitchen tidy and I completely understood that it was not as mistake. We had moved on and even joked about it afterwards. Apparently, my partner has thought about this tense moment in the back of his head throughout the past year. I had no idea how significant this moment was to him and he's never brought it up since, whereas I've completely forgotten about it. It all came to a head last week and I found myself getting upset again when he left the bed in the middle of the night to sleep on the couch. I've always understood he has trouble sleeping with another person in the bed, but it triggered feelings of rejection and abandonment. In this moment, my primary emotion was anger due to some underlying resentment for his lack of effort in the relationship lately. When we discussed our recent conflict after my emotions had calmed down, I told him I hope we can grow and be stronger whenever we encounter situations like this.

He said he'd rather prevent them and avoid it altogether. I find that it might be unrealistic to achieve that as a couple. Over the years, I've known him, he's been very conflict-avoidant, and being vulnerable is difficult for him. Additionally, he struggles a lot with his confidence and his eating disorder has resurfaced in the past few months because of it. He's been going to therapy for years now to address these things. A few days after our conflict, he initiated the breakup. There were some other issues he stated that also contributed to his decision, such as how I'm very opinionated, and he feels pushed around because of it

and that my big voice takes up a lot of the room and makes him feel small. He also said he finds it off-putting that I listen to a lot of relationship podcasts, sorry, and read a lot of books on it because I reference those resources of how I want to approach different aspects of our relationship. For example, I recommended he listened to your episode

with Dr. Wendy Troxol and how he can find a better sleeping solution for us. He did listen to it, by the way, and he said it was a good episode. Thank you. Unfortunately, he said all of this makes him feel emotionally unsafe, which broke my heart because of course his well-being is a top priority for me. He said he looks at me differently because of how angry and upset I was during our Thanksgiving

fight last year and our most recent conflict. And that makes it difficult for him to move forward in the relationship. In this moment, he admitted that when he went to grab more corn at the store, he cried in the car, which he's never told me before. It was shocking to hear this because this is the first I'm aware of any of this. I asked what he needs to feel emotionally safe and how I can create more space for him in the relationship. He said there's no use because it is a difference in personalities. I asked him if we hadn't argued earlier this week, would he still be breaking up with me? He said it's very unlikely.

I've accepted the breakup. I'm sorry to laugh, but I'm just like, I don't know, the way it was written. I've accepted the breakup since I hope he's been able to let go of all the feelings he's been harboring over the past year. I feel disappointed, though, for not being able to work through these issues together. Hearing all of this made me feel really awful, like I've been emotionally bullying him. all this time. I understand that conflict creates heightened emotions. When I'm upset, I'm aware my voice can become stern and raised and my nonverbal communication can appear cold and distant while I let my emotional waves subside. However, I've worked hard to be able to manage my emotions through years of therapy so I can express them in a healthy way. Do my emotions create an emotionally unsafe place?

Is there something that I can do differently so my next partner feels more emotionally safe? I've been having some self-doubt since he listed all my personality traits that contributed to the breakup. How can I take this less personally and keep my confidence up? Thanks for your help. All right. I think this is the dynamic that we're potentially talking about where one person is so conflict-voidant that they just keep sucking everything down. And the other person thinks that everything's fine. Right.

And then they just end up leaving. Yeah. And I think that's like, sounds like she's someone who could have my dream. Yes. Yes. Totally. And it's tough because I think that when she's overwhelmed or let's just take the corn cob example, she was so overwhelmed. Her emotions did take up a lot of space in that room. I'm not going to go into it, but I think it's totally understandable. Like most people throw, he used or finished corn cobs in the garbage. So the fact that she raised her voice at him and gave him like a bad attitude about that, I think it's understandable that he felt not great about that interaction and offered several ways to help improve the situation.

It sounds like she was still being very negative, which I get it. She was working through her emotions. It took a little bit of time. But then he came back and just wanted to make it go away by apologizing. Instead of like bringing up the way she reacted. Yes. Right. And so he kind of took everything.

He made it go away, but without fully being able to express himself. So that really is on him. You know, I think that's work for him to do where he could come back. And, you know, I only think you need to apologize one time for throwing corn cobs in the garbage. It's not like the affair thing where you need to remind the person of it to make sure that they know you didn't forget. Yes. like one appellate like he left came back and then apologized i think started off again like apologizing when i think hindsight being 2020 she probably could have jumped ahead with that

and instead of just saying well these are the reasons why i got upset that she might have said i am aware that it while i waited for my emotions to settle down i was you know i had overreacted to this. So I definitely, I get where she's coming from. I think she's trying to temper her emotions, but he definitely probably needs to do his own work on being able to express himself. So I don't think it's like her fault or that she can't be with someone in a healthy way. But that might be something that she tries to open up dialogue about in the future when she does quote, whatever you want to call it, lose her temper or overreact that she can give the other person a little bit of space to see how that made them feel. And some guys might be like, oh, yeah,

like my mom's like that. It really doesn't bother me. Or like, that's how everyone reacts in my house. Right. It's not a big deal. Or somebody might be like, yeah, that felt really bad. I did not like being screamed at for an innocent mistake. Yeah. And I think, I mean, what he winds up putting it down to is like this difference is in personality. Which. might be right to an extent not that like your personality is worse than him but that you need someone who expresses you know almost like pushes back on you more and it doesn't just keep it all in and um will maybe like you know be more challenging to you in that way and he probably needs someone who's maybe a little bit less reactive right i don't think it's and again i think you could

still you can work on yourself while also saying this wasn't just really working well for the two of us Right. Because the way you fight is almost like the, I think like one of the biggest indicators of whether or not you're going to stay together, is it not? Totally. Like I think you can't even begin to think about a future until you have like a major argument about something. So I would agree with that. I think couples get into this dynamic a lot where there is one person that has big emotions. And then the other person really doesn't get to take up as much space in the room because they, especially if they're like this conflict avoidant, they just want it to go away. So they feel like now if I bring my emotions into the room, it's going to escalate this other person's emotions.

But sometimes that's not the case. So it might be good to say, like, I want to know how you feel. Like once you're calm, and I know she's working hard, it sounds like she's really working hard to try not to have that like passive aggressive attitude, which is really damaging, right? Right. The thing where she's like, he's saying, I'll take it out of the garbage. I'll go get you a new one. And she's not saying, it's okay.

No problem. I really thank you so much for going to get more corn. I really appreciate it. She's kind of like, whatever, fine. Like that stuff is not great. It is damaging. She's trying to control her emotions. When she comes down, I think it is good.

If you are the person that typically has the larger emotions in the room, it can create a dynamic shift if you can invite the other person's emotions into the room. And how does she do that? Like, but she has to be able to genuinely hear what he has to say. So like if she does feel like she's capable of providing a safe space, she could say, you know, thank you. I appreciate your apology. How are you feeling?

Like, do you feel like you're ready to move on? Is there something else that you feel like you need to say and creating a safe space? And what is a safe space? It's like, you can tell me something that's not going to feel great. And I'm going to stay calm and be curious and want to know how you feel versus him being afraid that, okay, she's just calm down. Now I can't, I don't want to get her started up again. Right.

So she has to, she does in her next relationship, she's asking us. And the advice that I would give her is you do have to make sure that you really are a safe space. Like if he does say, yeah, I didn't mean to throw away the corn and you yelled at me. And then when I was trying to make it better, you were not really receptive. And that felt like you were kind of emotionally abandoning me in that moment. Right. He only felt like he could say that, I guess, after he already broke up with her. Right. I agree. Kind of annoying. Yes. Like, well, that's what happens. And this is where the dynamic can spiral out of control is like the avoided person doesn't want to make the other person angry. They keep just trying to acquiesce and make the conflict go away until such

point as like you're already escalated. And they're like, all right, now I'm already here. Now I'm going to throw the kitchen sink at you. Because I'm already worked up. You're already worked up. Now like my, you know, inhibitions are down or like I'm so aggravated that everything's going to come flying out. And now it's not discussed in a productive way. So I do think there's something to be said for kind of like taking turns because there is sometimes going to be someone that has bigger emotions and maybe that person, we have to let that person calm down. But then it doesn't mean that the other person doesn't get to say what they have to say, but they might have to just wait until the person with the bigger emotions can settle down.

And then it is that person's responsibility to be receptive to letting the other person have some space. Right. I think they both could do some work before their next. Yes. Relationships. Yes. I totally agree. He needs to be an advocate for himself and that his emotions do have a place in the relationship.

And she needs to mean what she says when she says that she wants him to feel emotionally safe. It's like a frustrating thing to be like, okay, well, I guess we'll just like call this one. Yes. When it's like maybe if you had just been bringing up this the whole time. And that's why it's almost like sometimes nice when in the beginning you fight a lot more in the beginning. Because you just like, if you have like a big, if you have a few big. if you have a few big fights in the beginning, you really can like work that stuff out and then it doesn't have to secretly be bothering you for forever. Yes, totally. And that's why I think he does hold a lot of

responsibility here. And it is kind of a shame. If they were like married with kids, I'd be like, let's try this. Like you haven't even tried everything yet. It sounds like it's over and they're both accepting that it's over. But yeah, it is kind of a shame because I think this is not. something that you have to kind of the proof is in the pudding like he has to see her being receptive to his emotions in order to believe that he that his there's space for his emotions and she hasn't been able to do that yet because she was just unaware of what he needed so yeah if they got back if you do end up getting back together I think there's a lot of room for growth here or just do it on your own and you know yeah find someone find someone who doesn't throw the corn in the

That's the real lesson to be learned here. Let's do a betchaicist. Okay, I'll read this. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi. Absolutely love the podcast. I believe this topic has been discussed, but I felt like writing in as my friends and I could genuinely use some guidance. I also want to acknowledge that I know Jordana had a destination wedding.

That looked really beautiful, by the way. So I hope none of this is offensive. Guys, Naomi also had a destination wedding. So if anyone's going to, you've come to the. the right offensive place. Yes. A close friend of mine is currently planning a destination wedding for the week of Christmas

slash new year's 2024 in Aruba. She says she's doing a destination wedding because she personally loves travel and does not want to have a wedding just like everyone else. Because of her work schedule, she's restricted to doing her wedding either during the holidays or over the summer. My close net group of friends and I are struggling with this. We are all super close and genuinely feel there's no world in which we could say no to attending this wedding, we suspect that based on the time of year, attending the wedding will

cost roughly $5,000 per person. The bride says she will not be having bridesmaids or having a bachelor's party as a way for us to save money since she's asking us to travel for the wedding. I've been a bridesmaid many times. Between bachelor's party, showers, and other associated costs, I've probably spent around 1,000 to 1,300 per wedding as a bridesmaid. I've also been fortunate enough to travel quite a bit in my life, though I'm a frugal traveler and have probably spent no more than $1,300 on a given vacation. That said, to be spending three to four times more than I would normally spend for a wedding or vacation for an imposed vacation by a bride is a really tough pill to swallow. Things are not set in stone. And in theory, there's still time for her to change her mind.

What do you advise we do? As made clear, this is a massive undertaking for each of my friends and I. we do, however, recognize that she's entitled to do what she really wants for her own wedding. Do we say something? Do we suck it up somewhere in between? Thanks in advance. Supportive but broke batch. This is an interesting ethical dilemma. I do think that if you are having a destination wedding and you are a considerate person,

you do have a sense of like thinking about how much it will cost for the other people. I'm not saying you shouldn't do it. Clearly, we've done it. But I remember when planning, I wanted to make sure that I was picking dates that were the room rate that I was getting for the room block that I was getting were like affordable and that the time of year what specifically wasn't this Christmas to New Year's time. I mean, you also kind of got married. I think we both got married like right on the cusp of the peak season.

Before the Christmas rush. Yes. Because that was like not only probably more affordable to us, but more affordable to anyone planning a trip there. So I don't think it's crazy to think that someone planning a trip. destination wedding should have that in mind to an extent. Yes, I agree. It does sound like 5,000 per person is a lot to ask. It also sounds like this is not planned. This is not set. And so some of this might be based on assumptions. If you give your friend the benefit of the

doubt, she might have like two different hotel options, one that's cheaper and one that's more expensive or maybe, you know, something where she's, you know, aware that this is an expense for everybody. Right. Giving a few different options. You could stay for three days. You could stay for five days. Like whatever your budget.

Right. So you don't think she should say anything? I mean, I think she should wait. I don't think she should say something in attempts to change her friend's plans to have a destination wedding. I don't know. I kind of feel like there's an argument to be made if she and all the friends are talking about this behind her back essentially. And they're going to be talking shit about it the entire time if she picks this date.

Right. And the point that she's making is valid. We're happy to have, you know, we're excited that you're having a destination wedding. We're excited for the trip. This time of year is like insanely expensive. And if you're really best friends with someone to the point where you couldn't imagine you not being at their wedding, I think you could say. when they're talking about the wedding, like,

have you thought about like that time of year might be super expensive? Like, I don't know, like, do you care of people if everyone comes? Because I know like that week specifically is, is like three times the price

of any other week you do it. Yes. Yeah. So, because I think sometimes I've seen this happen too where it's like no one says anything. The person picks the date. And then the other,

it could be the other person writing in. No one wants, why is why none of my friends care about me enough to come to my wedding? to come to my destination wedding. Yes. And it's like, you know, when you don't communicate about it, sometimes it gets too far. And then people make those decisions.

So I remember when I was planning the wedding, I, before I booked anything, I did reach out to like the people that I like really wanted to be there is the major people in my, in my life or the major friends. And I said like, I'm thinking of doing this wedding at this time in Mexico. Like, is that something that you feel like you would attend? Right. Okay. I could attend.

Right. Whatever. And obviously, like, they don't have all the details, but I wanted to, like, gauge. And this was, mine was also, like, sort of at the end of COVID.

So I also wanted to gauge people's feelings about flying or their tolerance for, for travel and to get a sense of that. So I do think if you, or you could not give a shit, not care who comes, do what you want to do. That's what I always say about anything. It's like your two options are kind of not care who comes or plan with other people in

mind. Yes. No, I totally agree. And I think I've said this before. When you have a destination wedding, you really have to accept, like you do what you did. Pick your top people and see if they're cool with it. And if your main people are okay with it, go ahead and do it. And you have to accept that there's going to be people that aren't going to go. Like all of my best friends from high school didn't come to my wedding. And I got it. And I got it. And I, I'm not mad about it. I didn't even think about it really until it just came out of my mouth right now. Like it's not some, I just saw them. I feel warmth towards them. No, I feel very loving towards them. I think it was, I got it. It was like part of the deal, you know, if you are having it

in a place that's hard to get to and expensive, you have to, you know, understand that there's going to be people that can't make it. But for this friend, I hear what you're saying about maybe bringing it up, especially because everyone's talking about it. It's not just her. I wouldn't say everyone's talking about it. No, no, I wouldn't say that. I agree. I definitely wouldn't say that. You can say, I know you're, I know you've been throwing around this date before you plan anything. And again, I don't want you to change your plans because of me. That's not what I'm asking for. I just want to let you know, like, that I am a little anxious about the price that this is going to cost. Because she knows it's $5,000. So clearly there's been some sending of information about the state.

And also the other factor, which she didn't even address, which is like some people want to be with their family on Christmas and don't want to travel to Aruba. Maybe they want to go to their grandma's house, whatever, you know. So having it during the holidays is sticky for that reason as well. And if the summer is an option, that sounds great. It's cheaper. Yeah. It's like a whole summer of like weeks that are available to people

where they don't have other plans and going to the Caribbean in the summer is like the cheapest time that you can go. So you might want to bring it up like that. I agree. I mean, now that you say it like that, I don't think it's a bad thing to say,

hey, I know you're throwing this around. Just wanted to let you know. Right. And I'm not going to be, I'm clearly not going to be offended if you decide to do it anyway. I just want to let you know like before you book anything.

to have that in mind. Right. Yeah. And then that might make her think, okay, well, let me check with the rest of the girls and see how they feel.

And then she might get a consensus where the last thing you want as a bride is to feel like everyone's just trudging along, like coming to this thing that they're really aggravated about. This is a bigger issue. I hear this all the time about this growing, like wedding culture where people are expected to spend thousands of dollars on all of their friends' weddings, and they have like five or six close friends.

Yeah. Weddings, bachelors, bridal showers, travel. It's gifts. It really is a big, big ask. And it's kind of like everyone does it. So then everyone feels like. Right. Then it becomes like a hazing thing where it's like, well, now I'm like entitled.

Now it's my turn. Right. And it's never ending. I spent all this money. And like so what, but now I'm going to like not have the bachelorette where like you guys have to spend the money that I already spent on you. Right. Totally.

So I don't know. I wouldn't, I wouldn't be disappointed if this whole thing died of slow death. I would give, I would give the advice to any bride is to also just like know your audience. Like know your guests. So like some people have friends that, uh, you can love this kind of stuff.

Like, um, maybe a wealthier, a little older in life. have more disposable income. Like this is the kind, they go on vacations all the time. This, I mean,

maybe this is maybe feasible in that part. If you have friends and they're all like 26 and they all have entry level jobs and you're going to have to, you know, like figure this out. Like I think that most people know to an extent what the financial situation is, is of like the people that are attending their wedding. Yes. Yep. So yeah, this is for the brides out there to be mindful and aware and thankful and like non, you know, you can't get angry if people don't have or want to spend several

thousand dollars on your wedding. Like I just don't think that's, you're entitled to that. But yeah, can't hurt to bring it up amongst friends and just, you know, Like we're close, we're close enough that you're asking me to do this. I want to share my thoughts on it. And the way you phrased it, I think, is beautiful. So, but this is a sticky subject. And happy anniversary.

When's your anniversary coming up? Oh, it's coming up. It's in 15 years. 15 years. That's a big one. Yeah, 15 years on Wednesday. So it's on the 6th. Yeah.

Wow. Exciting. Any regrets about their destination wedding? No, no regrets. So it was December 6th. It was probably like the edge of before the price surge for the winter. Yeah. And it was still like cold in New York and then a warm up, which is kind of what we were.

You know, we thought everyone will love it. Everyone will get a warm up. We were all from New York. Like we'll go to a warm place in the being in December. Oh my gosh. You were cute. We did it. Thanks.

Happy anniversary. I text you Wednesday. Let's do some intentions. All right. I'll read them. Dear Jordana and Dr. Naomi, I'm writing in for some help with an intention. A few months ago, I gave birth to a baby girl. I also have a two-year-old son, and this is most likely going to be our last baby.

I wanted a baby girl for as long as I can remember, so was overjoyed to find out that we were having a daughter. She's a healthy, happy baby, and I love her so much. But she was born with a rare skin condition called linear epidermal nevis. I think that's how you say it. Which essentially means that she has raised lines and extra patches of skin. which may grow or darken as she gets older, especially during puberty, kind of like a large birthmark that could change over time. The condition is present on her left hand, arm and neck, so it's not all over her body, but since she's been born, the spot on her neck has thickened

quite a bit and become very noticeable. Our doctor said that it's not likely to cause her discomfort, and although there's a very small chance that this is indicative of other issues, she is fairly confident that this isn't the case for our daughter. Our baby is otherwise very happy and healthy so far, we are grateful for that, and no things could be so much worse. However, this has still been a major source of stress for me since she's been born. My biggest worry is that my baby is going to grow up feeling different and being bullied or made fun of in school. I love her so much and I want her to have the best life and hate to think that things are going to be stacked against her from the start. I obviously hope to instill confidence in her at a young age, so she learns that it's okay to be

different, but I worry that I'm not going to be good enough to be the mother she needs to help her navigate this. I've had my fair share of typical female body image issues, and I don't want to pass any of that along to her. And to a lesser degree, I feel like I'm mourning the loss of this perfect baby girl that I've had in my head all these years. And even things like buying her clothes is triggering me now because something I was so excited about is now different in reality to how I imagined it. I even find myself jealous of other people I know with baby girls because they get to have that traditional experience of raising a girl that now feels like it will be different for us. And then all of this leads me to feel guilty like I'm a bad mom because I shouldn't be

obsessing over a birthmark and I know that she's perfect just the way that she is. I've shared this with my husband and he is supportive and understanding but just doesn't tend to stress about these kinds of things as much as I do. And I feel like I can only bring it up so many times without sounding crazy. Can you help with an intention to say present when I start to stress and ruminate over this? I already know for my son how fast the years go by and I don't want to look back and feel like I wasted time worrying about something I can't change when I should have been enjoying our time together.

How can I get past the worry of what others might think and how this is going to affect her life and my relationship with her? And how can I reconcile my expectations of what having a baby girl would be like with the reality of our situation? Signed, sad, bomb betch. Yeah, this is really tough. I can totally validate. and I hope she doesn't have any guilt in the feelings that she's having,

because I'll normalize that seeing a difficult path for your child and embracing that is really tough. I understand why she feels like she's had. And again, I don't know exactly the extent of what she's talking about, but it seems like it's something that's visible and something that sort of intrusively keeps coming into her head. But I imagine that the older your child or both children get, the more likely that something,

is going to happen with them that's different than with other people. Yeah. And again, you know, that's where I, that's where my head and my, you know, heart went for her was in this place, which is difficult sometimes to hear, but kind of like she's getting a fast track to the reality that all parents have to eventually come to, which is I cannot protect them from everything. and all I can do, the best thing that I can do is teach them resilience. Because otherwise, I just am going to walk around helicoptering all the time,

trying to make sure that their external world is just the right way and that they're included in every play date and that nobody says anything mean to them and that they get the best teacher and that they, you know, whatever it is, that ultimately they're going to need to learn to be resilient and kind of, confidence. That's the piece that I think she's struggling with, maybe a little bit for herself and certainly for her daughters, how to help her stay confident with this difference. And that's what it is. It's a difference. It doesn't sound like it's anything that's going to affect her health. It sounds like it's something noticeable that other kids and other people are going to notice. So I think

a good step is to kind of figure out how to talk about it. And that might make her feel a little bit better is to figure out like how to talk about it with her friends how to talk about it. You know, her daughter's an infant right now so she can't talk about it with her, but where she has a plan in terms of how she's going to address it with her daughter and other people. And I think sometimes the best thing to do is just make it like not an elephant in the room. Right. You know, like just to kind of make her aware you have this, you know, this beauty mark. it makes you different.

Not everybody has it, but there's nothing wrong with you. And it's okay. And everybody has differences and talk about all the different types of differences that, you know, you see around you and make her aware that, you know, sometimes it's easy to focus on all the sameness that she sees and not notice the differences. So having a little bit of a plan in terms of how to talk about it, how to help her daughter address it. It sounds like she feels concerned that she's not equipped to do that.

And there's plenty of resources out there. There's books. There's children's books. There's books for her. There's ways that she can get help from perhaps a child psychologist or somebody that can help her learn just how to talk about it with people, with her friends and how to help her daughter learn how to talk about it that might make her feel better.

Yeah. I think that's a great practical advice for how to, feel more comfortable around like raising her daughter. But I think that like it seems like there's something else underlying here, which is very interesting that I think a lot of people feel, but maybe again feel a little ashamed of saying out loud. But it seems like it's almost like she needs to get over her own judgment of the daughter and like the birth mark.

Because it seems like it seems a little bit like a projection of her own feeling of like disappointment. Which is okay. again. It feels like it feels like I wish my daughter didn't have this birthmark. I wish she was differently. That feels like uncomfortable to say because like you're supposed to love your kids additionally and she's not saying that she doesn't. But like seems like she's judging the birth mark maybe potentially more than her husband

or potentially more than like her own daughter might if she knew that like in the moment. So I think that's a good thing to almost work on like getting over yourself before your daughter is able to sense it you. Totally. That is a great, great point. I really, I love that. And I think owning that you feel disappointed or that you, just whatever it is that you're feeling in relation to this imperfection that your child has, which I think this touches on something really important, which is, we have feelings about our kids and their imperfections and things that we, you know, wish they had more of this or wish they were a little less that or whatever it is. And that's okay and it's normal. But the most important thing that you can do is for you to learn to accept your child,

which is going to translate to them accepting themselves. So I do think that like looking at her birthmark, touching her birthmark, kissing her birthmark, loving her and her birthmark and just learning that imperfections are beautiful. And, you know, I think that that's a big part of this process for her, too, is kind of accepting this imperfection. Because the truth is, what does she really want for her daughter? You know, I think ultimately what we want is for our kids to be kind and loving and inclusive and all these big characteristics that are super important, but they get bogged down and wanting them to be pretty and cute and precocious and smart and all these other characteristics that probably really don't matter as much. They're more like about the image of

how others are perceiving your children versus what you really want for them is to be happy and kind, I would think, mostly. Right. So this, you know, difference that her daughter has is actually kind of an expedited pathway for her to be empathic and kind and understand differences and be a person who's going to be the inclusive one in the group who's going to, you know, really be a leader in terms of kindness and empathy and inclusivity, which I mean, I'm speaking for myself and I think most parents, that's probably if we could choose anything for our kids to be. That's what we would want. But there is the image piece, right?

Which parents, people want that too. Just like you want a nice house and a nice car. You want a cute kid. Yeah. And I don't think that there's anything wrong with that. It feels like weird. It feels like it's something you shouldn't admit to say. But that's kind of how she feels.

Like she, you know, she longs for the image of a perfect birthmarkless daughter, which is fine. Like, again, like, I think that it's okay to admit that because that's the only way to come to terms with that and to like get over it. and to be and to realize that it doesn't matter is to say you know that's your job and what better time than before your daughter realizes that about you yes like you have time to change that before she grows up and feels like you're ashamed of the birthmark because then she'll be ashamed of it yes yes so and that might be happening if she's like oh I'm buying clothes and maybe I need to buy clothes that cover up her birthmark or whatever's happening now I think it is great that she's hopefully going to be aware of that because that's what her daughter is going to pick up on and that's what's going to make

her feel insecure instead of her being like wear it proudly it's a difference I love it you love it our family has no problem with it but yeah she has to get there first which I think might be a work in progress but that's part of the intention that I wrote was exactly what you're saying which is I accept moments where I feel the loss of her sameness you know the daughter being the same as everybody else and birth markless or whatever it is. Like I will accept those moments, not feel like I have to avoid those thoughts or reject those thoughts, but I will also seek the moments where I'm aware that this is an expedited path to empathy.

Because I really, for her daughter, I really do feel like the people that I know, like if I look back at high school, the people that had a little bit of a struggle or a little bit of of a family issue or that were short or chubby or didn't have a lot of money or whatever it was. They were really the people that I think ended up being the people that I connected to because there was some depth there. There was some struggle that created character that I felt like was attractive. Yeah. And empathy.

Yes. Exactly. So I think there is a path to a lot of character building. I know maybe it sounds cheesy, but I really think it's true. That when you have this type of struggle, it creates a depth of character that you can't really get without experiencing. And perhaps also in the mother. Yes. Like, you know, she's going to maybe be more empathetic towards other people with their own imperfections, including her own.

Yes. Yes. Totally. And this can relate to anything that you have in your kids that, you might not want to admit that you have feelings about. You know, like I think we did an email many months ago about, you know,

like weight issues or, or maybe I was talking with, I might have been talking with Aileen on her podcast, just about like body image and when you're a child and how your parents feel about your body and telling you'll pull your shirt down, cover your belly. Right.

But the kid that has a flat belly, you're not telling them pull your shirt down, cover your belly. So loving your, your child, touching their round belly, touching their chub, touching the parts of them that for you as a child might not have been accepted or imperfections. And you as a child might not have been accepted that that is work that you can do to just kind of lean in and, you know, try to accept the imperfections. And I think you're 100% right. That's going to translate to her daughter without

her needing to teach her any lesson or read any book. Right. Yeah. And I always think about what you say in terms of like, again, your thoughts or your reality. So if the thoughts around it in the house are that it's not a big deal, like it's, you know, it's not something that's talked about or shamed of or anything. Like, then that's the way she's going to feel about it. Right?

If it's constantly being like put on a, you know, analyzed and put on a, and like dissected and covered and all this stuff, like that's what the reality is going to be like. Yes. Yes. And I think just being open and talking about it. Like I was reading an article recently that was sort of like if you have, you know,

if there's someone with a disability or if you see someone looking, you can say, oh, are you looking at my birthmark? I was born with that. Or like just kind of calling it out, you know, like, oh, this is how God made me. And just making it like a non-issue, like not an elephant in the room. Like we're just going to talk about this thing and not have it be like, oh, did you buy the shirt with the long sleeves or so I'm glad you're writing in. I validate that this is something like we talked about a couple weeks ago.

You have the baby and they're perfect and you feed them all the perfect foods and you think everything's just going to be like exactly as you imagined. And then you had a bump in the road. But if it's not this, it's going to be something else. Right. Good luck. That was a good email. Thank you for writing in.

Thank you for writing in. I appreciated that one. Let's do some triggers. Dear Jordana and Dr. Naomi, my triggered scenario starts with the context that I'm 33, single, and will be freezing my eggs next month. Although I'm not sure if I want kids. In the last two years, I've gotten emotional about the prospect that the decision could be made for me by age, and I've been feeling sad, sensitive, and bitter that I'm freezing my eggs right now instead of discussing a baby with my non-existent husband. Always the best way to go into it.

Good vibes. So on to my scenario. Last week, my mom sent me a series of texts that were photos of all the special outfits she put me in from birth to age 10ish. Think my fancy Christmas dresses, communion dress, flower girl dress from my aunt's wedding, Easter dresses, Halloween costumes, an outfit that my grandma crocheted for me and more. There are probably 30 outfits altogether. After these had existed in boxes in our attic for 25 years,

my mom apparently felt that a random Thursday at 10 a.m. at work is the time to ask if I would. wanted any of them before giving them away. I was triggered by this and couldn't help but think my mom was insensitive about the way this came off. To me, do you want to keep these for you is, of course, do you want any of these for your own future daughters? Which right now is a question I'd rather not confront. In case it matters, I have a younger sister who's also childless for now, but is married and my mom apparently sent the same text to her of her clothes. My sister and I had similar non-enthusiastic replies. For example, I guess it's fine to give them away if you're suddenly in a rush to clean the

attic. My sister texted me on the side to confirm that this was annoying of my mom too, but I think she was more bothered by my mom's urgency and timing rather than my own deeper sensitivity. Then a day later, I get text from my cousin who lives on the same street as my parents. My cousin is exactly my age and has a young son and daughter and is due any day with another daughter. I love them and love that my parents get to act as grandparents to them. My cousin sent pictures of her daughter dressed in my sister and my clothes and a video of their new costume closet with some of the dresses. My cousin also mentioned that the girls were going to wear some of the Christmas gowns in their holiday card this year. After having decided to not pick a fight with my mom about her triggering me the day prior, I felt even worse about this.

I found myself angry at my mom for giving her clothes to my cousin and her daughters as though she got tired of waiting to see the grandkids in them. It felt like my mom was giving up on me finding someone and having kids, which I know isn't true, but I can't help but feel it was so obviously tone deaf that my mom and cousin thought this would be cute or fun or something to share with me. Not malicious whatsoever, but thoughtless. They don't know about the impending egg freezing, but they do know I'm unhappily single and at a life crossroads. I'm a lawyer, and they both know I recently left my job in big law for better hours and work life balance because I want to start a new stage of my life and try to find a partner and probably start a family. It just doesn't seem like that big of a leap for them to connect that I might not want to see

what would have been my heirlooms passed on to someone else. Just to clarify, it's not about the actual clothes. I would have liked to keep three or four things that would be special to pass down, but I'm a minimalist and would never have kept the whole collection. Plus, I know that if I really wanted to, I can make a stink about it and have my cousin agree to give them back in a few years. I was triggered at a level six when my mom texted, which shot up to a nine when my cousin texted. I've come back down in the past few days, but I still feel annoyed. How triggered can I be?

Thanks. Signed, hand me downs, have me down. I feel bad that she is triggered by this, but I don't think that anyone would have any idea that this was going to be triggering for her. Yes. I agree. I think in an ideal world, if she wasn't going through it and feeling annoyed about her own situation,

she would have said, yeah, just keep three and six and seven and you can give the rest away. And it would have been done. Those are the ones that are the cutest. I like them. Maybe I'll want them one day. Give the rest away and let's move on. Obviously, she knows it was forcing her to think about the idea of what if I keep them and I never have kids,

then that might feel more depressing or, you know. I don't think the mom was like, oh, I don't think the mom was thinking about her and the status that she had children or not have children, like at all.

It seems like she was literally just trying to do an errand of like getting rid of the stuff. Right. I think it was more like, do you want these as like a memory of your childhood? Right. Not about her future children. Right.

I also think like how old are these things that they're going to be doing to be like washed and dusty? I mean, I don't have a single item of clothing from when I was child. I'm sure you don't either. I mean, our mom was not big on like mementos like that. So I don't think that and she knows it wasn't malicious. She said it in the email. I think she knows this is her issue, which is forcing her to confront this, which maybe is a good thing. Because I think she's going into this egg freezing with like a fine.

I'll do it because I know that I have to, but like, I don't really want to think about it much further than that, which might be contributing to this sensitivity that she's having. Yeah. And I think it's good that she's being proactive in doing that if she wants kids. But I think she has more to work, work to do around this feeling. It seems like if she's getting triggered by this thing, I mean, she's just freezing the eggs is not really helping her like get into a better headspace about where she's. is in life. And so that's maybe a good clue in to maybe look into that further and get more comfortable with that stage of life because it doesn't have to be like, I think she's painting the story of herself as like this sad person that's childless freezing these eggs when it could

just be like the story could be very different if she tells it in a different way. And I don't know, the way that the fact that she hasn't told her mom that she's freezing the eggs to me also like is further evidence that the mom wouldn't know about it. Like if I were her, maybe she feels like she doesn't understand. I would tell my mom that I was freezing my eggs and be like when you, you know, I felt kind of bad when you sent me that stuff. I know that's not probably not what you were trying to do, but I'm actually, I'm feeling really insecure about where I am in life.

I'm actually freezing my eggs. I know it didn't tell you. And it's bringing up all this stuff around this like fear and maybe like sensitivity around anything related to having kids or my future kids. Yes. I totally agree. And I think it could be kind of a therapeutic moment for her. I don't know what her relationship is like with her mother, but she doesn't say that it's bad or she can't trust her for some reason. I think it can be a therapeutic moment where you just kind of admit to the

softer side of things. Like I wouldn't come at it with the angry, triggered side because I think underneath the angry, triggered side is a sad, you know, fearful side that I do think in hearing this listener and the tone and what she's going through, I think there is some, there are some softer emotions that need to come out. Like, I think she needs to have a cry about being scared that she won't be able to have this. I think she needs to have a cry about, you know, just her, her fears of never being able to be a mother. And then I think you can do the thing where you listen to baby steps and hear all the paths to parenthood that might not be exactly the ones that you want.

Obviously, you're freezing your eggs so you know that there's other paths or you're trying to give yourself some more time. But I think there's some big, big, vulnerable emotions, not to stereotype, but she's a lawyer. And I think that there is culture around that where you have to kind of be tough. and you have to be strong and you can't really, like there's not always, but a lot of times there's like difficulty kind of breaking down and being vulnerable and showing weakness. And so I think in order for her to be less triggered by this type of thing, she might need to express a little bit more of that to her mom or to her friends or in therapy

or whatever it might be. Agreed because I think that will help her again. Like I think she did the right thing for using the eggs. It seems like a great practical solution. But it doesn't take the place of like the mental work that you need to do around that to like actually be happy in your life where you are right now. I know that's easier said than done. That's like an easy thing to just say like love whatever you're doing now. Have fun.

Because I hate when people say that to me. But it's true. Right. So. Yes. I agree. I think it's a two pronged approach. She's doing the one great practical thing.

Now she needs to work on like her head. Yes. And what happens a lot and triggered. is that when you feel angry about something, a lot of times it's like a masking for some sadness or fear or shame or the parts, the emotions that are not as acceptable as anger and annoyance and not as easy to talk about. So I think there's some of that under there.

It's okay. I get it. I think a lot of people that are in your position feel some combination of fearful, sad, and shameful. whatever that is. And if you get to the root of it, you can avoid getting annoyed with your mom and your cousin. And yes, you can get that stuff back whenever you want it, if you want it. I'm sure she'd be thrilled to give it back to you when you have a baby.

Right. But good luck. I'd give this one. I'd give it a four because if she's doing the egg thing, I feel like that I could understand. I don't think anyone's meant to have triggered her, but I can understand why you'd be sensitive. Yes. I could even bump it up to a five, but I agree. I don't think the mother did anything wrong.

I've been in that position where I'm like, all right, we're cleaning out this closet. This is what we're doing today. And I'm getting it done. And I'm just going to text and get the information that I need to get to get rid of whatever I need to get rid of. The link is not super obvious. It's not like she's sending her pictures of her and an ex-boyfriend. Like, do you want to keep these or should I throw them out? Right, right.

Like, I don't think it's quite so clear and obvious that that's something that would really bother her. It does, she's not directly relating it. Right. I think it was more, do you want this for your personal collection? Agreed. So yeah, four or five-ish. All right. Let's do another one.

All right. Hi, Dr. Naomi and Trudanah, background about six years ago. I was diagnosed with breast cancer while 17 weeks pregnant. I was advised by my team of doctors that for the best possible outcome, I would need to terminate the pregnancy. This is my second child as I already had a baby. beautiful daughter at home. My husband and I decided together to terminate to ensure our future together as a family. It was a very traumatic experience to say the least, but we were all happy

and healthy today as a family of three. Triggering situation. My sister-in-law is now pregnant with her fourth child, a boy. Today, she told my husband that she would like to name the baby, the new baby, after the child that we lost in order to honor our loss and help her cope with the loss as well. FYI only shared the name and sex of the baby to our parents. She said she had a dream and the name came to her and she sees it as a sign. So how triggered can I be? I know I don't own the name, but if she's going to be going around telling people that her new son is named after her nephew she never had, it's going to re-traumatize me and

my husband over and over again. How can we ask her not to do this? Can we ask her not to do this? Thank you. Survivor Betch, I'll call her. Yeah. First of all, I'm so sorry that she went through this. It sounds horrific.

really, really scary and sad. So that being said, I think she can just say, this is not going to be healing for me. I don't think I'm ready for this. I'm not in a place. This actually feels like it's going to be kind of bringing up feelings that I don't feel I've fully healed from. And I'd prefer that you not do this. Right.

Yeah. I think it's insane that she, we want thing to ask. It seems like she just told her. Right. Which seems totally insane to me. Yes. I would agree. I mean, this is, I mean, yeah.

It's something that I'd like to. What do you think about this idea? Not like, this is my plan. Like, that seems totally insensitive and crazy. Yeah. And this is such a personal, very, very personal loss and, yeah, complicated issue that I, I wouldn't, I don't know that I would even ask. If she felt, and look, I don't blame. The cousin, or who is it, the cousin?

It's her sister-in-law. Right. I don't blame her for having the thought. It might be nice. Some people might like it. And just to bring it up as like, oh, I thought about this. What do you think, like you said, would be fine and even kind-hearted or showing some, that she's still thinking about it or she still remembers it or some people might love it.

She doesn't. And I don't think she doesn't own the name. But I think that, you know, given that she said where the name came from, I think she can give it a veto. I agree. Because it's not even like she said, like, I really like this name. What do you think? Happens to be the name. Right.

Right. She knows, she's specifically picking the name for the association that is not really her association to like own. And then deciding that that's how she wants to be honoring it, like seems very self-centered. Yeah. I mean, I don't know that I would say it's self-centered. and I think she's trying to be kind about it, but it's not landing. I think if she was going to be kind, she would ask. Yeah.

Yeah. Also, when she didn't even tell her, like, the name, she says, I didn't, I didn't tell anyone but the parents, the gender and the name. Oh, gosh, yeah. So it's like, yeah, I agree. This is like doubling down on, like, people are revealing her personal information without her knowing it. And, yeah, I think you can go hard on this one and just say,

please don't. Yeah. That would actually be like pretty traumatic for me. Yes. I'd rather if you not. Yeah. And then unless she's like a psychopath, I feel like she would back away from.

Yes, for sure. If she's doing it anyway, right in and we'll find her. Right. We will. Yes. I give it like a nine. I think that's really fucked up.

Yeah. I mean, if she asked, if she asked it wouldn't be that triggering. Right. But I think the way she praises it, She told me she would like to name the new baby. Is that asking?

Is that telling? I wonder how she actually responded in the moment. But however you responded, it doesn't matter. I think you can come back with, I've given it some thought and I'd really rather you not. Right. And the fact that she writes like it's her way of processing it. Right. Find a different way to process it.

Right. Yeah. I know. Especially she's like on her fourth kid. So like that might be somewhat triggering for this person. Like she obviously wanted to have two. She only has one. Now she's on her fourth.

And like, yeah. Look, I don't think the sister-in-law is malicious either. I think she's probably like, I probably mindful. Oh, I'm having my fourth. She lost her second. Maybe she feels she might feel jealous or I feel awkward like talking about my pregnancy because I know how much she went through and that she lost a pregnancy. And so she's going to alleviate some of her feelings, perhaps of guilt, by offering

this as a just, like, I don't, I could see that pathway too of, perhaps, you know, trying to acknowledge what she's been through. But I think she can just acknowledge what she's been through without this piece. Right. And it feels like they're not, it's not like they're so incredibly close because she didn't tell her, again, she didn't, the fact that she didn't tell her the sex, She didn't tell her the name. She found that out from someone else. To me, it just seems like not well thought out and pretty annoying. Yeah.

I'd be very annoyed if I were her. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I would definitely give it like an eight. If it was flat out like, oh, guess what we've decided we're naming the baby, then I would give it almost like a 10. I think it was more like we'd like to do this as a gesture to you and as a kindness or as a remembrance.

So I do think it is also in this listeners. It's her responsibility to say, please don't. Right. Yeah. I agree. And I think she, yeah, I hope she definitely should do that. Yeah. Or have the husband do it.

I don't know who's, I don't know which side the sister-in-law is on. Right. Yes. I think you have every right to say no to this. Good luck. Good luck. Thanks for writing in.

These are great. Good emails. And we'll be back next week. All right, that's our time. Great work today. Oversharing is produced by Sean Kilby, Jorge Morales Picoe, and Rebecca Sousel McHan. Editing by Veslio Perez. Yes, booking by Allie Friedlander.

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