Oversharing - Are My In-Laws Too Involved?

Episode Date: October 3, 2023

Today on Oversharing, Dr. Naomi proves she’s a REAL Olivia Rodrigo fan. Plus, Jordana loves/hates to say “I told you so” in response to a very juicy listener update. Two new moms look for support today. What’s the best way to calm that protective lizard brain to avoid making your partner feel inadequate around the baby? And how can you find peace when it comes to an unclear diagnosis given to your child? Our Betchicist question comes from a concerned friend who wonders if she should intervene in a relationship that may not have marriage potential. We close with some Triggered scenarios that cover meddling in-laws and wedding vendors offering some VERY unsolicited advice. Does anyone stay in their lane anymore? Listen in to find out. Check out our latest promo codes here: https://betches.com/promos Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

A quick note before we get into the episode, Oversharing is a podcast for entertainment purposes only. It is not a medical podcast and does not constitute medical or psychological advice. Always seek the advice of your physician or a mental health professional. Hello and welcome back to Oversharing. I'm Jordana Abraham. And I'm Dr. Naomi Bernstein. How's it going?

How's your September been? It's going good. You know, just after our last recording, I recently found out that now, Olivia Rodriguez has a registered fan website that you need to go on to get tickets, which I missed, even though I've been listening to the album. I've been putting in the work like a real fan, unlike that guy from last time. But that guy did put in the work. He got a pre-sale ticket.

But you know what? He's probably got he probably has pre-sale tickets for her too, and he's going to sell the tickets and make some more money. He's just going to make a nice little business out of this. Maybe they need to make the access to becoming a fan more difficult. You know, like you have to answer more questions to get into the club. I agree. I agree.

But it's just going to be, it just was a reminder that other people, I think you guys posted a meme on it. And this is the reason why one of the drawbacks of not being on social media. If I was on social media, I would have been aware that there was some kind of a registered pre-sale thing. And I probably would have went on there and done it, but I didn't. You were a real fan. But it was the scene from, I think it was the Lizzie McGuire movie. Okay. Where the mom's like on the back of the motorcycle with like the young, cute guy.

And it's like, this is how I'm going to feel when I go to the Olivia Rodriguez concert. Except I'm not going to go. But if I was there. If you did get to get it. Well, I'm all for them making the questions harder. I think they should fix the system. I'm just more, you know, until they do. What is Olivia's social security number?

You need to know. What is her ATM pin? You need to know all that stuff before you can get tickets. Yeah. Look, I get it. They're working out the kinks. I think we'll get closer and closer to it. But anyway, so that I found out last night,

which reminded me of our conversation about our friend with his little business plan. Maybe you can get them secondhand from someone. Yeah. Like a, you know. Yeah, for $500 a ticket, which I thought this would be a little bit easier access than Taylor Swift, but it doesn't look like it's going that way. Yeah. Well, she's very young, so she'll be on tour again. I'll have time. If I don't, if I don't croak by the time.

I know about you. Yeah. She'll be on tour again. I don't know if you're going to be, you know, able to agile. Just kidding. Very young. But you'll have, anyway, the point is to say this isn't like, you know, her last tour. The grand finale. Totally.

All right. All right. We have an update, a listener update, which I thought everyone would like to hear. Great update. I thought very validating for me. So this is in response to the email we read a few weeks ago. It basically was like my boyfriend won't post me for my birthday on social media. Even though he posts his friends' birthdays, he said it was because he, again, to summarize,

he said it's because it would be too painful to delete and go. through the pictures if they had broken up. And my thought was that that was bullshit. And hearing it now almost like it really just, it's almost like hindsight 2020. I'm spoiler alert, but let's read the update. Here's the thing. That's why I love you, because you always see the best in people and you're giving most people the benefit of the doubt. And I think that's amazing. And I think that that's like part of your compassion and part of why you're such a good therapist is that, you know, you take things as what they, how they come to you. Totally. And you know what it is? I also, I really, and I do a lot of couples work and I never want to be

the person that's accusing someone of something that they didn't do. So that's a terrible feeling. That's a terrible place to be in. So I really do tend to give people the benefit of the doubt when it comes to these types of situations. And I do also feel like the slow and steady place. to the truth is through conversation. So even if the conversation... One person calls it conversation, the other person calls it interrogation. Sorry.

I'm curious. No, I think you can get to the root of it through thoughtful conversation instead of accusations. And even if you end up, what I think happens in a lot of these situations is you avoid, you don't want to accuse someone, so you avoid the conversation altogether,

and the thing just lingers, you know, as we say in our house, hangs on like a bugger for way longer than what it needs to versus if you just start pushing the issue and having the conversation, eventually either the person will get tired of having a bullshit conversation that's based on falsehoods and end things because they don't want to tolerate it or deal with it or the truth will come out. But you did, you sniffed it out. Let's cue them in. I mean, I'll read the email, but again, like the tough part about what I did, which

was to immediately call bullshit, is that, you know, I have more cynical energy in me, which yes, you know, good and bad. Anyway, I will read the update email. Hello, Jordana and Dr. Naomi. I have an update for you. He was cheating. Jordana, your bullshit detector is impeccable. Thank you.

I found out he was texting another woman who we met about a month prior to my email. There could have been more women and it could have been going to be. going on for way longer than I saw in the text. He was my first love and my first relationship, and to have it end this way was so, so hard. Like you said in the podcast, his reasoning why he never posted me now seems so diabolical. He was taking advantage of my lack of dating experience and was trying to make me feel bad for him to drop the subject. I feel so violated.

I blocked him on everything the night I found out and I have not spoken to him since. He has only attempted once to reach out to me using a different phone number and has never provided an explanation or an apology. I don't think either will ever happen. Of course, in my email, I didn't mention all of the other issues we were combating, but mainly the shift of me moving away from our city, having to go long distance. And him not wanting to make those next levels of sacrifice and effort were our glaring issues. I believe he is the epitome of the anxious avoidant dater with Peter Pan syndrome.

He's 32. And it's crazy that when I wrote the original email, I really believed everything I said. I feel like we should do a whole, this is me, not her saying, I feel like we should do a whole episode on like when you break up with someone and then you start diagnosing them with various psychological problems. I feel like that is maybe it's a female thing, but maybe it's just a general person thing. I feel like everyone I know goes and who's like discussing a breakup with me is always like and I think he has like, you know, bipolar disorder or he has a complex about like a lot of, like he's like. Right. Even defining his attachment style and Peter Pan, we should

just start a list and then after every breakup we can be like okay I think there's a C and F yes name my ex's psychosis but I do think that it helps it's again it's the whole thing we talk about the mind versus the emotions and the and the body and our mind likes to really feel like we can understand our way out of feeling terrible and it it helps a little bit but not it's never going to do the trick. Right. And I mean, here's the real part that's true. She's, I thought he cared about me and loved me and thought we could be together long term, especially because he told me these things. I met his parents. He met mine. We met each other's friends, et cetera. In my eyes, these problems were going to be okay because he reassured me that we were going to be okay and that we were a team. In retrospect,

the writing was on the wall that he was simply not my person. I had the rose-colored glasses on and ignored all my doubts because I was so in love with him or maybe I just loved who I thought he was. really wish it was different, but everything happens for a reason. I keep telling myself that it was not my fault. The cheating is a character flaw of his, not a reflection of mine. But even though I keep reading the advice about cheaters being told by friends and family, their opinions and thinking of all the right and healthy answers, I still feel so betrayed and sad. I did really care about this person and thought he cared about me despite the flags. Dr. Naomi, how do I heal? How do I trust again? How do I stop questioning everything? A heartbroken betch. Yeah, this is really

really hard. I feel bad for her. And I do think what she's afraid of is that you end up just turning into a personality of mistrust or becoming cynical. This was her first time of like fully opening her heart. And I hate to say it, but I feel like this kind of happens to most people, a lot of people where at some point or another. Yeah, you open your heart fully and then the person is just not honest, but especially in this case where it was like this manipulative, diabolical type of a, you know, reasoning that she felt like she couldn't refute in some way. But here's my advice on how you can move forward. And this is even advice that I give people on their second or third date.

See how people deal with difficult conversations early on. I think people are afraid to do that. they don't want to be too heavy. But I think the trick is, if you can see if you're with a person who can tolerate open, honesty, tough conversations, real conversations, someone who has self-awareness and insight and is able to talk through things, I'm not saying it's a force field, but I think it really helps when you're in these situations where you're sort of like, I'm just getting a funny feeling about this.

You know that you're with someone where you're like, I don't have to sit with like a funny feeling for that long because this is someone that I've vetted on the second or third date that I know that if I'm having a funny feeling, I can come to them, be like, I'm having a funny feeling. And the way that someone, now that she's lived and learned, the way that someone handles that is not, it might not just be one conversation. Like the advice that we gave her was kind of like, tell him that this is important to you being posted on your birthday or whatever and say, hey, you can put it on a story if there's

there's ways around it and it's not just a one conversation solution. Like if somebody's kind of like, we spoke about this already. We don't need to talk. I don't want to talk about this further. Red flag. Right. And that's how you can handle it versus like feeling like you need to be your own independent private detective on these issues. Like you're a partnership. And if you're a partnership and if you're feeling away about something, you should be able to find someone who can also just have a nice, calm, curious interrogation. Exactly. And I think remember that like, because she says, she keeps saying she's limited dating experience. So I think when this is the only thing you have to go by, it could be like, oh, everyone is like this. Not everyone is like this.

Most people, I would say, are not like this. And the only way to find that out is to, date a lot more people. Right. And some of them are going to be not great. And a lot of them will be, be like good people. So she just needs a larger sample size. Yeah, totally. And long distance is challenging in and of itself. This is one of the reasons why people don't want to do long distance, because it leaves a lot of room for you having a life that the other person is not really a part of. So this was a tough one. And I'm glad you're being self-aware and you're kind of being introspecting. on what you can do to move forward and, you know, kind of build trust again, because that's very important. You don't want to move forward and be a jaded, you know, cynical, negative dater.

This was one person. You did sniff it out enough that you wrote in and said, hey, this doesn't feel good. So you're aware of what feels good and what doesn't feel good. You just need to be able to communicate that to your partner and get a response that feels saddive. factory. You'll get through it one day at a time. Moral of the story, he's not posting you for your birthday on your Instagram story, but he posts a lot. Yeah. Run.

Yeah. I'll read the overshare. Why not? All right. Okay. Hello, Jordana and Dr. Naomi, huge fan of the podcast. I would love help setting an intention as I navigate a gray area diagnosis for my son. My son's newborn screening results came back as irregular for cystic fibrosis.

genetic testing had revealed my variant early in pregnancy, but not my husband's. So we thought we were in the clear. While mine is a classic disease-causing variant, my husband's is of varying clinical consequence. Previously, I thought that you were either born with cystic fibrosis or you weren't, but I've since learned that that's not quite true. Further testing has earned my son the label CFSPID, cystic fibrosive screen positive, inconclusive diagnosis. So far he has no symptoms and his sweat tests are normal, but he will be monitored

annually by a cystic fibrosis center throughout his childhood. About 6% of babies with his genotype transition to a full CF diagnosis by age eight, though they are typically much less impacted than people who have two classic disease-causing variants. Many others never earn a diagnosis or experience symptoms, even in adulthood in old age. Frustratingly, there is no data on the numbers in adulthood. How can I make peace with the not knowing? Thanks, nervous new mom. I thought this was more of a general question than an intention. Yeah, no, totally. I mean, I think you can potentially try to do both. I, this is really tough. But it really does, when you say it's a general question, it's kind of what it makes me think of is the beauty of our health care system,

as it is, is that we have so much information and all this genetic testing and all these different tests that can be done. But there are. some limitations to it, right? Like she doesn't know what's going to happen, but she does have this information, which it almost reminded me of like getting like a BRCA test for breast cancer where it's like, okay, it's good to know because now you can be proactive and you can get tested more frequently and you can kind of be on top of it. But it also, now you have this information that makes you potentially really anxious. And if you never had it, you would have just dealt with it when it happened. And now you have all this advance notice, which can tend to make

you crazy. But it's also like, it is a piece, an extra piece of information that can help her son. Like, if she got a notification that there was going to be on December 22nd, there was going to be a lightning storm and a tree was going to fall into her house, she would be like extremely, that could, that may or may not happen on that date. Right. And she's going to, if that does happen, she's just going to have to deal with it. And there's a million things like that that could happen to her son or that could happen to them that she doesn't have advanced warning of. So it's hard.

I know it's hard to look at it that way as like this is extra information that could help. And it does sound like the chances are pretty low that he's going to be severely affected by this if it's 6%. And he seems like he's fine right now. Like apparently he's doing well on the tests they're giving him right now. Yes. So that's where we come back to this is kind of the like a general issue of like right now my son is healthy. And right now I have all the information that I need to make sure that he stays as healthy as possible. Because that's what she has is basically just, you know, kind of a bullet in the chamber in case it turns out the way that she doesn't want it to turn out. And then she knows because she's monitoring.

Exactly. And I'm sure she's like spiraling about like what she'll do if the worst case scenario happens. But that's probably not particularly helpful. Totally. Because it hasn't happened. It hasn't happened. I get I obviously 100% validate the feelings of like, you know, there's always going to be this fear in the back of your mind that X, Y, Z. But I also think, and this is what I tell, talk to a lot of patients about, like if they're going through a thing.

a job transition or a breakup or being single, kind of like, well, when this thing is over, what's the next thing you're going to worry about? Like, once you deal with this, you know that your mind's going to go to something else. And I think I'm guessing, and I'm not saying this is not something worryworthy, but if we're talking about, and this sounds like it's relatively new news and she's just coming through with the conclusions and the diagnoses and the numbers and understanding everything, in another, year, this is just going to be like another thing that you are worrying about for your kid, which if it wasn't this, it would probably be how much, how much time does this take up in your

head? It would be whatever it is. Is he taller? Is he shorter? Is he, you know, there's got, whatever takes up space in your mind. If you're looking at this is just something that takes up space in your mind. And right now it's taking up a lot and hopefully down the road it will take up less but if it wasn't this, it would probably be something else. Yeah. You know, I was talking to my therapist because I have also gotten results that are like inconclusive, right, or you don't know. They're not like, you definitely have the thing or you definitely don't have the thing.

It's like inconclusive. And he was telling me that he did his thesis on inconclusive test results, like medical test results. I think it was about the brackogene actually or something like that. What he found was that people who were anxious, before they get tested and get an inconclusive result continue to be anxious. And people who go in and they're not anxious and they get an inclusive result are not anxious. Oh, interesting. Right.

So it's kind of like if you get an inclusive result, it just kind of makes you the same way that you were before already. Right. Right. Yeah. It's like that thing. Like maybe there's a little spike. I'm sure there's some spike. in your anxiety the moment you get the inconclusive test result.

But then you come back to your like homeostasis level of anxiety, whatever it was prior. And I think that's what happens with all of these life transitions. You know, it's like how anxious you are in general is how anxious you are that you're not going to find a partner. How anxious you are in general is a reflection of how anxious you are that you are, you know, not going to get whatever the thing is. and how much space you allow certain unknowns to take up in your mind is probably relatively stable throughout your lifetime.

And there's probably this added feeling when you're a mom of like, if I'm not worrying about this a lot, am I like letting, am I like dropping the ball? Yes. I would imagine because you're like, oh, if I'm not like constantly like worried about looking out for every single sign that this could be a thing, than like I failed or something.

Totally. And that's like the whole like mental load of motherhood, which is sort of like the idea, and I don't know if you've heard this or if there was an article many years back on this that explained it very nicely. It's sort of like the non-dominant parent or whatever the verbiage is around that.

Non-primary caretaker? Yes, the non-primary parent. They can do a lot of things. They can offer a lot of help. They can do. the bath and the bed and the cooking and whatever but there's something about the one who's holding the mental load of the parenting the one that's like doing the worrying like you always bring up the scene from the movie where she's like I want you to care more yeah yeah yeah why don't you care

care more right she's like she's circling the sex offenders in the area and he's like what do you want me to do with this information right so I think some people take the mindset of like if there's a problem, I will help solve the problem. If there needs to be food made, I'll make the food. If there needs to be a doctor's visit made, I'll make the doctor's visit. I'll do the thing when the thing needs to happen. But then there's usually one who's holding the mental load of like the what if or the pre-planning or the preparing for. So that is tough, but I think it's good to be aware of that. And I'm not taking away from this listener at all and the severity of what she's going through. But I do think that like you said or like your therapist thesis said, there's a level

of anxiety and like anxious holding and preparing and pre-planning and the mental load that you're just are going to probably have without effort. I think if you try, you can probably make a change in that. That's a different thesis altogether. But yeah, that's interesting. But I do think that she probably is holding this as like it's my job to protect him. So if I put this completely out of my mind, it's like I'm taking my eye off the prize, even though she probably has the doctor's visit in the calendar on the day that it's scheduled for every six months or however often he needs to be checked, like she's going to do the thing. But there is this need to like hold it in the front of your mind to feel like you're doing something about it even when you're not. Because there's

nothing else, I guess you can do. But yeah, good luck. I think that was great advice. And she's doing like you said, like worrying is only helpful to the, to the, or anxiety is only helpful to the effect that it can cause you to change your behavior. Right. And sounds like she's doing everything she needs to do. Yes. All right. Should we do the betchesis? Let's do it. Hey, Jordana and Dr. Naomi. First off, love the pod. My ethical dilemma is complicated with a lot of history behind it, but I'll try to simplify as much as I can. My husband's best friend and former roommate is Steve. Steve has been dating Jenny for four and a half years.

Steve is 30 and Jenny is either 33 or 34. Although I'd say I'm friends with both of them, I spent more time with Steve and I would consider myself closer to him. Jenny wants marriage and kids and it's not a secret that Steve is slow to commit. I have many examples of their incompatibility regarding commitment, but I don't want this email to turn into a novel. So I will just say that she's made a lot of sacrifice. for him and would be willing to make even further sacrifices for the sake of their relationship.

About a month ago, Steve and I were at a bar waiting for my husband to get off work to join us. We were talking about his relationship with Jenny, so I point blank asked him, if Jenny proposed to you, would you say yes or no? He said he doesn't know. Sorry. Just some casual cocktail banter. Are you going to marry her or what? I feel like women are women's friends have like a much lower tolerance.

and spur like the ambiguity of someone's relationship. Right, totally. What's going on? He said he doesn't know if he wants to get married, period. Like he doesn't know if he believes in the concept of marriage. I felt like he burdened me with a huge secret because I highly doubt he has shared that thought with Jenny. And I know that you don't need to be married to have a baby, but I know for a fact that

is something important for Jenny. What motivated me to write this email, I recently heard that Jenny froze her eggs and for some reason that triggered something in me where I feel like I should tell her what Steve said to me. But at the same time, they've been together for a long time and as commitment-phobic as Steve is, Jenny is an adult woman. She's free to find someone else who wants marriage and kids on her timeline, but I also understand why she's so hesitant to leave for a few reasons. She had some very shitty ex-boyfriends.

Steve is a great guy on paper. And also, I'm sure she doesn't want to start over at her age. This woman has like a whole, that's not like a dissertation on this, uh, relationship. All right. I mean, her age, she's 33 or 34. It's not, you know, anyway. Here are what I think my options are. One, do nothing and stay out of it. Two, tell her what he told me, which could possibly destroy both Steve and Jenny's relationship and also Steve and my husband's friendship. Three, get my husband to have a serious come to Jesus conversation with Steve. I'm leaning towards the first option. I would hate for Steve and my husband's relationship to be collateral damage in this.

Although I have no interest in having children, I really sympathize with Jenny and her situation, and I know that time is not on her side. I'm writing to y'all because I know you're both family-oriented people and could maybe say what you would want if you were Jenny or if this were your friend. Thank you for any insight you could provide. This has been weighing on my heart sincerely the secret keeping fetch. So there's like a lot of assumptions, I think, that are being made in this email about this woman, one that he's never said that to her.

Yes. Which I think if he said that to her would be like, I think he probably has said that to her at some point. I thought the same thing. His answer was basically like, I don't know. Also, annoying that she even asked him because it's like, don't ask questions that you don't want the answer. Yes. She put herself kind of in this sticky, she sees as a sticky situation. I don't personally see it quite as sticky.

But yes, I agree. She asked the question and then was like, oh, shit, now I have the answer. Yeah. I feel like this, she's annoying me a little bit because I feel like she's, she's like meddling and then pretending she's like a little innocent in the situation. But she's also, as sometimes married people do, like you get a little excitement from someone else's drama, which I, I myself am guilty of, so I can relate to that. But I think part, I think she has to own that part of this is like, maybe she's a little bit of, over invested in what's happening here. I got the same vibe because I first of all, I don't think that

the information that he gave her was so salacious. Like I think it was if she did repeat it, it's not like how dare you repeat that. It was just him saying how he felt about marriage in general, which I also do agree. I don't think she's that close to Jenny. So I don't think she's aware that he has probably already, like you said, said this to her. Yeah. So I agree. So I agree that she's assuming that Jenny doesn't already know if she's freezing her eggs, she probably already knows this. Like if she thought that he was ready to move forward with marriage and kids, she wouldn't be feeling the need to freeze her egg when she's in a committed relationship

with the person and heading in that direction. So I think almost the fact that she froze her eggs is an indicator that she's aware of the risks of being in this relationship. Totally. because she's received some form of an I don't know in the past. Yes. So I think she already knows. I think the person who wrote in should do nothing.

And I think you should stop asking questions to people, again, that you don't really want the answer to or that it's not really your business to say. Or I think if she really wanted to be respectful to Jenny, I think she, because I think it's a little disrespectful to discuss like negative parts of. your relationship with like a group of people went out. Right. Right. Yes.

Like I think that's his worst offense almost is that he's talking about his relationship. And she doesn't say exactly what else he was saying. But it sounds like this is a big topic among the friend group. Like is he going to propose? Is he not going to propose? And I found that any time a guy is like talking to his friends in front of me about like his like questioning of his relationship or not knowing or something like that, like I would find that to be a bad sign.

Right. Well, it does sound, I, it does sound like he didn't say, I don't know if I want to marry Jenny. I think he was kind of deflecting or trying to do what you said, which is like not talk about his girlfriend behind her back by saying, I don't know if I believe in the concept of marriage as a whole. So I think he was kind of trying to lean it away from him talking about his girlfriend behind her back. with a friend of a friend, basically, which wasn't even, it's not even like he was talking to Jenny's like best friend or her sister. It was like someone that's sort of removed from the situation.

But I agree. I think there's a little bit and, you know, I think there's a little bit of maybe she's decided she doesn't want children and maybe a lot of people around her in that phase and they're like planning children or thinking about children or doing that and she's kind of like, I can't relate in this way or I'm not part of this in that. this way so I can kind of like be part of it by meddling in this situation a little bit, which I think seems like in whatever way Jenny has decided she's handling it. I think she's handling it. I think she's handling it by freezing her ex. I agree. Yeah, that's a step, big step. Yeah, she's not ready to break up with him, obviously. I think she knows that she said

everybody knows. If everybody knows that he's, you know, not ready for commitment, Jenny certainly knows and I think she's working her way through it and trying to figure out what she can do in the meantime to help herself while she either works up the courage to end the relationship or you know he gets ready to be on the same page as her but yeah I think Jenny's got this I don't think she needs you yeah not your problem to fix I feel like guys also do that where they're like I don't even know if like what's the point of marriage anyway and then like they don't propose to you and then they like propose to someone else right Yeah, that's kind of the worst case scenario.

I kind of feel like often they'll say that as it just sort of like, because it's easier than saying I don't think I want to marry you. Right. Totally. And that's what I think this listener's concern is. So I don't want to like, you know, I don't think she's evil. I think like you said, it's normal to maybe want to be part of the mix and kind of get involved.

But I think her fear for this woman is that he's not talking turkey with her and telling her, like, I don't see myself marrying you, which maybe she feels. feels like that's what he needs to say and he's dragging her along, which might be true. But like you said, Jenny's a grown woman and she has the option to end it with him if she wants to. I think that if she did decide to like unveil the information, I think it would fall very flat. And Jenny would be like, yeah, I know. I heard that before.

Yeah. And she's like working herself up about this whole reveal, but I don't think there's that much ultimately to reveal. I agree. Can be exciting, though, to pretend there is. Let's do some intentions. Now that we know she should definitely just do absolutely nothing is our advice. Right.

Okay. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi. I'm a huge fan of the show and the safe advice you both provide. I've been tuning in ever since the first episode. In June, my super supportive husband and I had our first baby. We planned and discussed all through my pregnancy, how we want to navigate through newborn challenges, and raising our child together. We thought confident and aligned in our vision for parenting.

I preached to anyone who would listen, how I refused to gatekeep parenthood for my husband. He was so supportive throughout my pregnancy and was an amazing support person during my labor and delivery. Dreamy, right? Fast forward to reality, and I cannot believe what an absolute momster I have become. Anytime my husband holds the baby,

my lizard brain is on fire, and I'm extremely triggered by every sound out of that child's body. Toots, burps, cries. you name it. We had previously agreed to a tolerance of about one minute for allowing a baby to cry during sleep. And in my actual postpartum brain, I actually have something closer to about 1.5 nanoseconds of tolerance and exactly zero seconds of tolerance for crying while anyone is even thinking of touching my baby. I find myself blurting out nasty and hurtful things to my husband while he's taking care of our baby without thinking. It's gotten to the point where this morning my husband gave me a huge reality check.

He told me my criticism and quickness to intervene makes him feel so defeated. untrusted and like he wants to just quit trying. That made me incredibly sad because I know how much my husband wants to be a dad and has been so extremely supportive of me throughout our relationship. I absolutely do not want to be this person anymore. I've signed up for therapy to try and get help. But in the meantime, is there an intention or any advice that I can help cool down my aggressive postpartum brain before I damage my marriage even more?

Best regards, Lizard Brain, Betch. I love the lizard brain piece because I think that's a lot of what this is. It's like just an instinctual reaction. And I think she has some postpartum anxiety, which she's aware of. So I would just detach from any identity that you're forming around this. Or I think she feels like the former self that she was that wanted her husband to be involved and had all these plans for how they were going to parent together, that that's all out the window.

And she's, I feel like being very critical of herself about being unable to follow through with her original plan. And I think there's a lot of hormones and instincts and some postpartum anxiety that's intervening here. And the great thing is that she's aware of it. And she's introspective and realizing that it's like something that's happening in her. Yeah. Especially, I feel like when you notice yourself completely snapping, that's probably like a big reality check. Yes. And it really, for the relationship, it's really nice when someone cannot get defensive and just kind of be like there's something coming over me it's like that feeling of something comes over you when you get that feeling that's your cue that like your body is running

the show that something in your body is like taking control of the ship that your calm well-intentioned thoughtful mind is like sleeping under the deck and you're calm and well-intentioned thoughtful mind is like sleeping under the deck and your body and your reactions and your lizard brain are running things. So just allowing that awareness is a great first step because then you can sort of, you know, I think she's coming to the right place to have an intention to kind of bring her back, bring her thoughtful self back to these interactions by coming up with something pre-prepared that she can use to calm herself and to like. like, you know, talk to her lizard brain a little bit and talk to that activated part that's

taking over her body. So, you know, I think two things that I think would be helpful, an intention where she can recognize that protective instinct and even like just notice that it's there and thank it. Like I always say, thank you for trying to protect my baby. You're here. You're doing, you're here for a reason. I'm aware, but he's okay, she's okay. Thank you for trying to protect my baby.

They are okay, telling herself that because she knows that, being aware that there's like an entity outside of her that's creating this intense feeling. So when you talk to, like when you're saying thank you for trying to protect my baby, they're okay. it's like an acknowledgement that this is an entity outside of myself that's like running things that I need to talk down off the ledge kind of feeling. Right. Like something on your shoulder.

Right. Exactly. Like that voice on your shoulder that. And in this case, I don't think it's the voice of her mother or the voice of her, you know, third grade teacher. Or I think it's just this protective instinct that's a little bit overactive. I don't know that this is a fact, but this is what I experienced, I think, with my first pregnancy and birth and the postpartum that happened around that.

And it does happen. I think it can happen for all of your pregnancies, but your body is a little bit not used to adjusting to all the hormone fluctuations. So I think it can be even more of like a shift away from your natural state of mind when you're like that. And the other piece that I recommend is in that moment, in order, like you're talking to your lizard brain. I love that she's already seeing it like that. You're talking to your lizard brain and then you also have to like calm your body. So I think for her, as soon as she notices that her lizard

brain is taking over, take 10 nice, long, slow breaths where your out breath is slightly longer than your in breath that sends signals to your nervous system to kind of calm down, that you can kind of activate the parasympathetic nervous system, out breath a little bit longer than the in-breath, do those breaths, and then talk to your instincts, your lizard brain, and just let her know. Thank you. I appreciate what you're trying to do. It's helpful sometimes.

Right now, we're okay, especially if the baby's with the husband, which is, you know, a wonderful place for the baby to be. Right. I like that. Yeah, you have to sometimes. You have to see these voices in your head as like something outside of yourself, which feels weird because you're kind of like, I'm a weirdo, I'm talking to myself. But there really is a part of you that is not your real self. And that part of you ends up driving the ship like 90% of the time if we're not conscious of it. No, that makes sense.

I think that like this is probably helpful for a lot of people who are listening to that and acting in a way that isn't their best self in their mind. And it can go for anything, whether it's like, I mean, look, postpartum depression or anxiety or any of these types of hormonal changes or even if you're just, and this was something else, if we have a minute, I was going to talk to the listeners about female listeners, which I think is a majority of our listeners, that awareness of like your cycle and your hormones and how your hormones affect your mood, your body, your emotions, your thoughts. is really great information to have because it kind of allows you to connect a little bit more deeply with when there are emotions that are coming from a very thoughtful, rational, reasonable place and when there are emotions that are coming being triggered by sensations in your body, whether it's hormone fluctuations or past trauma that lives in your body, that kind of thing. So, you know, if you are having trouble regulating your emotions, I would recommend and not for this listener, this is kind of a side note, keep track of your cycle, keep track of those days

when you're more sensitive, those days when you're more irritable, those days when, you know, you just feel like there's something coming over you. That's not exactly like your normal state of mind. And there's no shame in that. There's no shame in saying like, this is something that's living in my body, I can take a moment to just question it. And I don't have to like follow it off the ledge off the cliff into the abyss of arguments, discord, impulse rash decisions, whatever it is. Yeah. No, I always, I do think that's helpful. Like, just being more in touch with your body in general. Or even like, I didn't sleep well. Like, is that, you know, is that a reason? I didn't, like, I'm, I'm stressed about this other thing.

like my body, you know, other sensations, like, that you maybe don't think of or don't, or have dismissed as like not really weighing on you. Totally. I think, you know, if you are having trouble regulating your emotions, I think those types of trackers are helpful because it helps you realize, like, this is not me. This is like my body's trying to adjust or my body's reaction to something and my body doesn't get to run this. Yes, I should allow feelings to live and I can let them up and out and I can cry or I can scream or I could do all those things or I could just name the feeling. But I also, it's a good

sign if you're underslept or hormonal or in pain or, you know, whatever it is, you didn't eat well the day before. Whatever it is that you can kind of be like, okay, I'm going to step back from this for a second because this is coming from a place of a body that's not regular. in this exact moment. Yeah, no, I think that's great advice. And good luck. Good luck. Give it a try.

I also think just if you're listening, which I hope you are, I think that you're getting therapy, which is great. And I don't remember how far out she said she was, but I think this will get better with time. Yeah. I think she said it was June she had it. Right. So, yes.

I think by six months, I think this will start to tamp down a little bit. And next time, if it happens again, you'll be more aware. Moral the story, if you're ever being a raging bitch and someone calls you out, you just blame your hormones. This is why people say women can't be president. Which is, oh my gosh. I'm joking. What if they get their periods?

Yeah, well, at least the nuclear bombs. Nope. Well, so, okay, so the answer to that, no, but I, I, there is a real thing. Like, and I think a lot of women, find it so offensive if people point out that you might have a different reaction to your emotions a couple of days of the month. I think that's that happens. That's a real thing. It's not a made up thing and it's not offensive to point it out. I think it just the pretending it doesn't exist is worse than being like, okay, yes, this exists. I'm aware. I actually have it on a calendar

when my months are, I can predict when it's going to happen. And I'm very intentional about how I respond or react to thoughts and feelings that I have on those days. Right. That's fair. I like that. Women can be president. You know, just chill on certain days. You just have to have a period tracker and then it'll all be fine.

Let's move on. We have some triggers to do. Do you want to read the first one? Yes, I will read the first one. Hi, Dr. Naomi and Jordana, love the show. I have a triggered scenario for you. My husband had gotten the flu recently. His parents lived close by and when we told them they so politely recommended that I sleep separately from him in our spare office room and offered to bring a blowup mattress for me specifically. We are in our late 30s and I don't need suggestions on our sleeping

arrangements or how to handle a simple situation like my husband getting sick. They tend to make suggestions about how we should live our lives often, so maybe it's all just starting to pile up for me. I typically brush things off, but this one rubbed me the wrong way. In any case, why wouldn't he be the one sleeping on it? Since when is a blow-up mattress, the new chicken noodle soup? And why did they think I would punish myself for having a healthy immune system? They didn't offer to bring anything else, just FYI, wife of a man-cold survivor. I think this is annoying. I could see why it'd be like I didn't ask like I know how to deal like we know how to deal with someone getting a cold right one two I do think the suggestion that that you tell someone's wife to sleep on an air mattress is sort of crazy right

I think if there wasn't a history of them sticking their nose in when they weren't asked I don't think this would be a big deal at all I think it's kind of like oh you know I get it it's sort of obvious It's like we know that we have the option of sleeping separately if we want to. So I get why it's annoying, but I also don't think in and of itself it's a big deal. I think it's indicative of her getting tired of their suggestions on what they should or shouldn't do. Right. It would only be a big deal if the husband was like, okay, so have you blown up the air mix? Yeah.

For yourself. Yeah. And maybe they're a little like protective over them. Right. Well, it's more protecting her. Like, yeah, I guess so. He's already got it. And I think there is kind of a school thought of like,

someone's going to have to sleep in the uncomfortable bed, shouldn't it be? Yeah, but if he's sick and he has body aches or he's already uncomfortable, I hear it. It's slightly annoying. I'm going to rate this pretty low. I think the person who's sick typically should be in the more comfortable sleeping position because they're already not feeling well. The annoying part is that they're obviously aware of, you know, if they wanted an air mattress, they could have called them and said,

hey, we want to sleep separately. Do you have an air mattress that we could borrow? Yeah, sure, great. So I get why it's annoying, but I also don't think it was like, our son, the prince, gets the bed and you have to be in the air mattress. I think it's just because he was sick. And I have a hunch that if she was sick, they would have made the same suggestion that he sleep on the.

the air mattress. The same. That's my hunch. Unsolicited suggestion. Yes. I would agree. I give it a three. Yeah.

I give it a two. I don't think this is bad. I mean, I think there's an underlying issue. I think it's a three just because it's like I don't really want, like, I think to offer your unsolicited guidance when someone's in their late 30s. Right. Of like how to handle something really simple can sound really condescending.

Yes. So that's why I'd give it a three. I agree. And it's not like the advice was like so. mind-blowing like brain science. I have this, right, I have this remedy for a cold that I, that no one knows that I could use. Totally. But whatever, anyway.

And it sounds like she was open to receiving something like that. Like, oh, I have this vitamin that really worked for me or like chicken noodle soup or something that seems more like not her being put out. There might be something more here. We don't have to dive deep, but just about kind of maybe them wanting her to be more caretaking towards the sun. Right. That's brewing underneath the surface.

Or like not being as protective. That's what I'm saying. Like maybe not being as protective as his mother might be. Yes. Something. There might be a little. That's a reach. I don't know.

But I'll willing to. I would bet there's something there. Yeah. But in and of itself, annoying. Yes. not a one. Maybe I could bump it up to a three because they're like you said in their 30s and this is a very obvious potential solution that if they wanted it, they could have come up with it on their own. Agreed. Next.

Hi, Jordan and Dr. Neum, I'm a big fan of the podcast. Thank you for all that you do each week. For background, my wedding is about two months away and I've struggled with keeping a strong body image throughout the planning and I've tried my best to accept myself as I am leading up to the big day. I received the attached email from my hair and makeup artist, alerting me of my final countdown, screenshot attached. I thought it was super strange for the hair and makeup team to send this, and I do not find it to be helpful at all. Should I be triggered by this?

Thanks, a body neutral bunch. So I'll read the email. The subject is Wedding Beauty Guide two months out, which is where she's at. Hello, gorgeous. As your wedding day is drawing near, we hope you're taking the time to take care of your physical well-being too. Simple exercises can help you look and feel your best in that wedding dress.

If you're new to working out, start small. Here's a simple seven-minute full-body workout that you can do from your living room and then a link to the video. It will work wonders in boosting your energy and letting your inner glow shine through. I think this was a form thing that they sent out to everyone. Yeah. It didn't really seem personal. Didn't seem personal at all. It was two months, like, wedding thing, two months out.

Like, here's what we send. Look, I agree. It's a little random. I hired you for hair and makeup. I didn't hire you for body. It's not a personal trainer. Right. Totally.

She didn't hire a personal trainer. If she wanted a personal trainer, she would have hired. So I think this practice by this company is annoying. And nobody asked you to fix me like below the neck. I hired you for the top portion. but I don't think this was sent personally to her. I think this is maybe she's insecure. She feels like she said she's struggling.

But I think this is what they send out like on schedule. I agree. Even if it was like, here's some healthy foods you can eat. So your skin looks better on the day of that would even make more sense. This does seem like very random feeling. Like I don't know what their thought process was and like why they would feel the need to send this. I agree they send this to every bride. I don't think they were like looking at her.

And then they were like, oh, she needs to be all about. Yeah. And I almost feel bad that she even thought that because I'm like pretty sure that that's not what this is. And it makes me sad for her that she's thinking that. Or maybe she isn't thinking that. But I think she probably just annoyed that they're like sticking their nose in where it doesn't belong.

It's like I didn't even ask you for like. It wasn't like, do you have any interesting video like good videos for working out or Clearly, like, they found this video, maybe they found, had one bride who, like, they had shared it with. They really liked it. And then they now feel like they need to share it with everyone. Right. Or they just had, like, a fun little creative moment of, like, I know what we can do for our business. We can send out these, like, I don't know if that's a thing where your hair and makeup team, like, checks in every couple of months.

Is that? I definitely don't think mine did other than to confirm dates for, like, the hair and makeup. Right. So it seems like maybe they're looking for more to do and to connect with their brides, which is nice and lovely, but not this. Yeah.

Maybe being like, oh, we found this new lipstick shade that you might want to try before the day or something. Or like, this is... Because it really has nothing to do with their service that they provide. It's just very weird.

But I guess like, I don't know, sometimes you'll get like an email about like meditating, from like your gym or something. Right. Something along those, not like that example necessarily,

but something along those lines where you're kind of like, this isn't really totally have to do with your service, but like someone on your team thought that maybe now you're trying to be a lifestyle brand. Right.

It sounds like they're just trying to expand into something else and they didn't think about how this was going to land for people. I'd give this a four. I'd give it a four to. I think that was going to be my number. Like I think that really not personal,

but I can see why you'd be like, I'm just trying to stay in a head space of like not focusing on that. And you kind of like went out of your way to make me feel like I should be. Right. It's also kind of similar to the last one where it's sort of like, I know that I can work out if I want to. And I know that there are videos on YouTube that I can watch that have workouts. Right.

And I'm not looking to my makeup artist to like, find out the best way to do that. Right. It's like unsolicited advice. It's not even like rocket science. Like you said, if they said, I just found this new supplement that's going to make your skin look amazing on the day of.

Here's a coupon code. If you want to try it, great. That's something that's kind of like creative, innovative, maybe an outside of the box thought of something that could be helpful. But like you can sleep in the air mattress in the other room and you can do a workout video.

Like those are two pretty obvious suggestions that I really don't need. Well, we did it. We did it again. That's our time. Great work today. Oversharing is produced by Sean Kilby, Jorge Morelas Puccoe, and Rebecca Salz McCaffey. Editing by Basilio Perez. Yes, booking by Alley Friedlander.

Send your advice emails to oversharing at betches.com. We'll leave us a voicemail at 646363-6294. Betches. Thank you.