Oversharing - Are My Sex Dreams Considered Cheating?

Episode Date: November 25, 2025

Dr. Naomi prepares for an upcoming trip to NY for a family event and she and Jordana discuss the pains of growing up through the perspective of Dr. Naomi’s oldest daughter. A recent bride gets roped into a viral online moment after a post from her big day brings out the comment trolls and now she is sweating the situation. One Betch finds some surprise money inside a thrifted bag but is unsure about the morality of keeping the bonus cash and asks the hosts for a Betchicist. Seeking some mental peace, a married listener plagued by sex dreams with everyone but her husband, needs an intention for quelling the anxieties they bring her during the waking hours. Regretting her choice to include her mother on a recent doctor visit, a pregnant woman is triggered when her mother comments on her weight and diet to the doctor. After her sister in law stole all the photos from her wedding and tried to pass them off as her own work, a listener is feeling like she is the only person still upset by the elephant in the room and needs some validation. Subscribe to Oversharing on Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/@OversharingPod Link to Instagram Video Discussed In Episode: https://www.instagram.com/reel/DP__w_AEUM2/?igsh=aWZnY3l5N2JyeHY3 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

A quick note before we get into the episode, Oversharing is a podcast for entertainment purposes only. It is not a medical podcast and does not constitute medical or psychological advice. Always seek the advice of your physician or mental health professional. Hello and welcome back to the Oversharing podcast. I'm Jordana Abraham. And I am Dr. Naomi Bernstein. So nice to be back with you.

This Monday morning, I'm excited. You're going to be coming in. We're going to hang out. It's going to be a fun few days. I'm going to take the girls. And boy, I'm starting to say girls because like Brooks is in there too. Yeah, he's in there. Yeah.

I'm going to take the kids. I'm going to take the kids to the movies. I'm excited. It's fun that they're like old enough to do stuff that I want to do, which is really like the prime age for aunting for me. It's true. When I don't have to do anything I don't want to do. Yes.

You get like a little, I get nostalgic sometimes. I'll talk to other people that get so nostalgic for like the cuty little toddler years and newborn. And I'm like, but kids are really fun once they're old enough to like do the same things you want to do and have conversations that you want to have. And yeah. Right. Yeah, that seems to be like the more. I guess like it's a tradeoff. They're not as cute.

I mean, they're still cute, but they're not as cute as like a little, you know, as like a two year old. or they're not saying probably as like adorable little adorable little things or you know um but they're like more like almost especially as an aunt they're like more of like a friend totally although they're they're so funny I'll just share this I just thought it was so funny for those of you there's a movie called soul it's a Disney movie and it's just a really great movie it's like existential but it's a Disney movie so it's cool as most of them are and there's a scene in the movie where they talk about people that are like in the trance of their life,

like fixated on some, a lot of the stuff we talk about, like, they're fixated on their weight or they're fixated on like their job or they're fixated on being a perfect parent. And in the movie, they call them lost souls. So they like wander around like their big like loafy, you know, kind of just like blobs of gray and their lost souls. So, you know, we were out, I was out for a walk with the girls and Lila was like all in her head about something that was going on at school or like this thing and she kind of got moody and like, you know, we were kind of walk jogging and she like, you know, ran off ahead of me and Maddie who were walking behind and, you know, just like obsessing about whatever earthly thing she was obsessing about and Maddie goes to me,

she's a lost soul. And I was like, it was just like, it's so, yeah, it was just like. She's 13. I feel like that's like prime prime law soul age. Yes, totally. Not a girl, not yet a woman, as Brittany would say. Yes, just like everything feels like controllable if you do the right thing

or you don't do, what should I do to make this better or worse or like how, just like angsty, angsty. And you have no experience in anything. So it's like to like trust it'll turn out okay. Yeah. No, totally. Totally. Tough age. But, you know. But I bring it up because it's like those moments where I, if it was just me like

walking like when Maddie turned to me and she was like, she's a lost soul. First of all, I just started laughing so hard. Like, and then I was like, it helped me kind of detach from the moment a little bit instead of being like, how do I help her and what should I say? And she's so angry. And should I go like kind of go after her? Should I let her cool off? And she just like put the perspective in it there in that moment of like she's just in her like step back and see what's happening here like big picture she's just like you said 13 year old kind of lost soul in this moment she was lost and she you know she found her way back but yeah you guys should watch that movie eighth grade i feel like that was a great depiction of it's like a really it's like a good

I enjoyed it as an adult. It's like about an eighth grade girl. Okay. It's kind of like just figuring shit out. Like with her family and her friends. And it's like, it's like a pretty good movie, I thought.

Yeah, I'm going to check that. It's a hard age. You feel like you have to solidify this identity. And you have no control really over your life. Like at any moment, someone could just like snatch your phone, like your lifeline to all the,

you know, or like tell you you can't go somewhere, can't do something. It's, yeah. And everything probably feels very, very important. Yes. So anyway, there's all that. But like those moments of like you're in this with me in a real way because you're a real human.

Like with Maddie kind of looking at me and seeing that like I was stressed. Like just us being able to connect on like what was happening in that moment felt like really nice. So yeah. That's great. Okay. I love that. Yeah. That's the nice part of.

about having kids who are also like more than, or more than one kid and a kid who's like close in age to another kid is that, you know, like if it was just, if you had, if Lila was your only kid, this might just be like the occupying your thoughts all day and all night and like also just like no one to compare it to, no one to have any like perspective on. And I do, I feel like that probably helps. take the edge off a little as like, yeah, you know, there's more going on.

Yes, and there is, like, we've talked about this dynamic before, and I don't know, I think this does often not always happen with sibling dynamics is like, you can't have both people being too much of the same thing at the same time. Like, they almost realize, like, if one of them's in a mood, the other one will like kind to back off a little bit and take the helper role versus both all three of them or two of them like doubling down because they know like it's going to, you know, it's going to unbalance the entire equilibrium of the household. Like even, you know, in a workplace, there's usually one person that's a little bit more like intense and one person that's a little bit more laid back. I mean,

you don't get to choose that necessarily. But I think these dynamics, human, dynamics tend to want to find a little bit of an equilibrium. So that helps too. Totally. I think sometimes when someone cares, and that's almost like that's true of anything, like in a relationship, like you said, at work, I've experienced that with like as co-founding a business with my friends slash business partners. It's like when someone is really intense or cares a lot about like a certain thing. My instinct is to be like, all right, the carrying tank is full. Yes.

And I can like back off of that. But I remember when Aileen is one of my co-founders, like when I'm maternity leave and she's maybe like a little more intense about, was a little more intense about certain things. When she was gone, I found myself like more anxious or more caring about like certain things that I used to kind of be hands off of because she would kind of like take that role. And so I do think there is like this idea of someone needs to fill the spot of like all these different roles in anxiety or hypervigilance and stuff like that. Yeah. Yeah. So yeah, it's interesting

to step back behind it and kind of watch it all that. To me, that's the key to get through most of this is to kind of step back and watch it like from a distance when you're too in it and you're too close. That's when you get, it feels like every little decision matters and every single choice is a big deal versus like, this is just a moment in time that at some point is going to be a memory or history or probably irrelevant. So it's nice to have someone else helping with that perspective. So I appreciated that. Agreed. That's great. All right. Let's get into our episode and help other people fix their hyperfixations. Yeah. Love it. So we're here for you for that. And if you guys have a voicemail that you want to leave, you can leave us a voicemail.

It's 646, 363, 6294. Love getting those voicemails. Again, keep it to under three minutes so that you can actually, so that it'll actually go through. Because if it's over three, it goes to like a totally different area that I don't check. Oh, okay. Well, yeah. And I think also just like three minutes is a good enough time to, if your problem is more than three minutes, you might need a professional one-on-one session with someone. And some people just need to like talk it out though a little.

Like they might not get to the point fast enough. But I hear you. You're the one that's listening. So three minutes is. For the user, I totally understand that it takes more than three minutes to express many issues. But for the sake of, you know, production quality of the show. Yes.

Yes. I think that's kind of where we're at. But a great solution to you if you have a problem that's over three minutes is to join one of Dr. Naomi's therapy groups because I assume you get more air time there. Yes. And many people able to weigh in. So how do they do that? Totally for sure. And also I will put it out there that I do have a couple of openings for individual therapy. I know a lot of people were reaching out for that. And I have typically been full. But if that's something that you are looking for, you can reach out regarding that

as well. But the therapy groups are always ongoing and almost always have some room depending on your flexibility schedule wise. But either way, come find me at Naomi. Bernie Bernstein.com. And yeah, we'll find out what the best place is for you to help with your issues. I've said it a million times. These groups are amazing. It's my favorite time of the week. The people that are in these groups are just so supportive and insightful.

And sometimes I'm like, what am I even doing here? These people are like awesome and just really create such a loving environment. So I love it. Come be a part of it. Yeah. Naomi Bernstein.com. Love it. And you can also subscribe to this podcast if you want, you know, somewhere in between that

and just listening to this episode. So you can subscribe. You get two bonus episodes a month. You get all the episodes ad free and a day early. And we have some fun over on our subscription episodes. So you can check it out there. Also, we're on YouTube. We're on Spotify video.

So if you prefer to watch, then listen. You can see us there. So check it out. And let's get it. get into our episode. Hi, Trinna and Dr. Naomi. First of all, I want to say that I love your show and I've been a listener since episode one. I'm writing in about something I never thought I would be able to relate to, but somehow is now at the forefront of my mind. Internet hater trolls. Is that redundant? I don't know. Maybe. My wedding videographer recently posted a video of our wedding that has

unexpectedly gone a bit viral. It's the few comments that are getting to me, some of which seem overly judgmental and mean. You can watch the video and see for yourself and we'll post the video on the Everything's Fine Instagram account for those who would like to see it or, you know, we'll also put it in the in the episode description. Because, you know, I think it helps with the context. We'll describe it also. So you can watch the video see for yourself, but a lot of people are commenting things about having a kid-free wedding and how this is embarrassing and inappropriate and how they would hate something like this happening at their wedding. So for context, you watch the video, right? So in the video, it's basically like they're, it's a couple, they're getting married. And one of the bridesmaids, a bridesmaid's daughter is kind of like running around while they're doing the vows. And it's like kind of funny and cute.

Throwing her, throwing her flower girl basket across the way. And then someone, yeah, it's just a little bit of. of kid chaos. Yes. She's basically like interrupting the ceremony a little and everyone's kind of like waiting for it to to die down. But it's funny and cute. They're all laughing. The bride and groomer laughing. Most of the bridal parties laughing. It does look like kind of a cute, joyous moment. And the bridesmaid is like, you know, mortified and like running after the kid. There's one that you can tell is the mom. That's the only one that's stressed out ironically, right? And the whole thing. Like the only person that doesn't seem to be like laughing and lighthearted is the one whose kid it actually probably is. Right, which makes sense.

A lot of people are commenting things about having a kid-free wedding and how this is embarrassing and inappropriate and how they would hate something like this happening at their wedding. Although there have been so many nice comments which share my same sentiment that the moment was funny and joyful, I can't get these negative ones out of my mind. Like what happened to just scrolling past things that you don't like? Why do people feel the need to comment just to say that they wouldn't like? this or the worst one I've seen which digs at my friend's parenting. What the fuck? I also feel like it's just marring a really amazing day. This was literally about a minute out of an entire day, which I think went absolutely perfectly. I even thought that this part was perfect. I thought it was just funny and lighthearted and honestly, I laughed about it during and afterward. I guess I just

wasn't expecting so much negativity. I wasn't expecting it to affect me this much. It's gotten to the point where I'm considering taking my name off the video because I just don't want to read the negativity anymore. Am I being overdramatic? Any words of advice? Yeah, I think you came to the right place. I will say that for myself. I don't know what your reaction is going to be, but I think you came to the right place because I think this is exactly that like a beautiful moment in time of real life where you're getting married, but you're not getting married in a bubble of perfection, which is what most people try to do. They create like this perfect bubble. that they can get married in.

And they got married in, at least in that little moment, not a perfect bubble. And I think the way that they handled it was so cute. And they didn't let it, at least from what it looks like, they didn't let it ruin their time. And the people that are critical or mean about it, like I almost would just think, like, I feel kind of bad for you that everything in your life would have to be perfect or everything in your wedding has to be perfect in order for you to feel like it's a worthwhile day or that this didn't mess up the whole thing or blaming the mom. I didn't read all the comments. I didn't see that one in particular. I read a few. But like blaming the mom for her parenting or

things like this that are just like it seems like kind of the intro that we talked about. Like those are lost souls. The lost souls are the ones that are like so hyper-fixing. on like the details of life that you can't step back and see the big picture of like I thought it was adorable, which is I think probably just to ease your mind why it went viral. It went viral because it's sweet and endearing and not because everyone's like, oh my God, this is the worst nightmare of a wedding that I could ever experience and sharing it as such. Like here's the thing I would never want to ever happen at my wedding. I don't think that's why most people are sharing and liking this video.

It's funny. It's sweet. And it's a good lesson for life, I think. Yeah. And I can understand why she's like kind of been thrown by a loop here of like had this experience because, I mean, I've been on the end, I've been living on the internet sort of publicly for, I don't know, 10, 15 years, something like that.

So I am used to seeing, you know, a million negative comments on, you know, we post videos from this podcast. There's, there's probably like 30 different ways to see people comment on all the content I make. There's the Instagram real comments. There's the YouTube comments. There's the Spotify comments. There's the, there's Reddit. There's YouTube. There's like, there's just like so many ways that you can read both negative and positive feedback about.

myself that I think you've come to the right place in terms of someone who's like a seasoned person at this. But I could also understand if I had never, if I lived like a private life where I didn't share anything or I never saw anything, I think I, this would be jarring too. It is jarring in the beginning where you're like, because people don't really think of you as a person who can read these things when you're sort of like a public, not that she's a public figure, but when you're seeing a video of someone on the internet that's public, you're not thinking about them reading your comment. As a real person. Yes. So the cool thing about that is like you do get the things people would say behind your back, both good and bad. Yes.

Which is both flattering and really upsetting a lot of the time. So interesting side note, just not to cut you off, hold your train of thought. But I noticed that when people comment, like even I was saying i was sharing in the subscription episode about reading the comments that people were saying about something that i had shared and i noticed that the comments that are nice are like they're talking to me or they're talking to the person and the comments that are mean they're like talking about the person so like the comments that are mean are like she blah blah blah and the comments that are nice are like you had a beautiful wedding um that it's more like you can lean in to the person when you're saying something nice, but when you're kind of talking crap, it's like your third

person. Right. You want to distance your, because they're not, they're not a person. Right. They're just, you know, they're like, they're content. Yes. The real housewives. They're, you know, and I, and you know what I mean?

I get it. I talk shit about like celebrities in the real. I have podcasts where I talk about that. So like I'm involved in the other side. Do you what I mean? And I think that the one thing that I've learned, um, in all these years of doing it is like don't believe anyone either way. You know,

like, if you, if you allow your self-esteem or your worth or your feeling to be like, and it's tempting to do that on the positive. It's tempting to be like, everyone loves this. I'm amazing. Whatever positive role model,

or I look great in this video or like, I, whatever you do what I mean? Like, if you put too much weight, And it's good to practice with the positive because it's less like upsetting. If you put too much weight positive or negative, like you lose your internal sense of what is real and who you are and knowing. Because it's so easy to judge.

And again, I'm not saying there's anything wrong with judging people on the internet. I do it for a living. Right. I do it every day. And I don't think those, if I thought those people were listening or watching or paying attention, I probably would be like, nicer too. Yes. But I think that, and again, she does, this isn't like something she signed up for in a sense. Like this is just her wedding. Her videographer put it up. I'm sure she didn't like, she's not like joining a reality show. Yes. And her sense, like I do feel worse for her than I

do for me. Right. Someone who like does this knowingly makes money off of this and. Right. You know what I mean? Condish it. So I should be able to take it. But I do think a good lesson here is like we were not really meant as humans to get this much feedback about ourselves constantly. And that goes not even for someone in a viral video, but just like anyone who's on the internet counting their likes or counting their comments. It's like we weren't really,

I don't think this was like how our humans like humans are wired to receive feedback. And it can become, it can become part of your identity, like what people are saying about you. And to live your life that way is really a disservice to, like, to yourself to rely on on the positive or the negative feedback. Yes. Because those people don't really know you. They know what you share.

They, like, for this person, they know like the tiniest sliver of, of her wedding, the one minute of her wedding, which was like probably five hours. Yeah. Or if it comes to me, they know, you know, one 45 second clip that was posted out of context of a conversation. Yeah. And so like, it's kind of like, why would you let that, the opinion of someone who only took like, took one minute of your life and judged your entire being? Like, that's just factually, like, incorrect. Like, they just don't have all your information.

So don't listen to them in either way. Don't listen to them when they say, you're in a gorgeous, amazing model. who's, you know, who can say no, you're my queen. I'm obsessed with you. But also don't listen to them when they're like, you're a mean bitch who says, like, who, you know, how could you say anything negative about Megan Markle? Like, whatever it is, do you know what I mean?

Like, I think the key is, and this is kind of in that book that you gave me when I was in high school, I remember reading this book. I think it was like the four agreements. Yes. And one of the four agreements was like, don't believe, don't believe anyone. Like don't believe. Don't take anything personally.

Like it's not. The positive or the negative because like only you know yourself. Yep. Totally. And I, but I do think you're 100% right. We are wired to be so activated by just those things. We're wired to be so activated by the positive affirmation because it means like, okay, I'm safe.

I'm liked. You know, like I'm in. I'm in the in group. and so activated by the negative of like what if I'm ostracized, what if I'm left out, what if I get a bad reputation and nobody wants to be around me, that you just have to kind of notice it happening, take that breath, calm your body, and realize this is just this is just my human biological wiring to get really wrapped up in this thing. And I can make the choice to step back and do exactly what you're saying.

but the first step is recognizing how activated you're getting. And I love what you said either way. Like I get this like excited, heartful, like give me more feeling when you get something good. And then you get this like tight, twisted kind of, you know, almost still give me more. I need more to soothe this. I need to consume more to either keep this going or to make this go away one or the other. So just being mindful of that, I think, is really the key to stepping away from it. Right.

And I think to choose the opinions that you listen to mindfully. So it's like, for me, who do I care what they think about? I don't care what no one, I don't not care what anyone thinks about me. But who do I really care what thinks about me? I care what my friends and my close personal friends and family that know me on a deeper level think about me. Not like the world who knows a part of me, like someone who knows like a 360 whole version of me. And again, you shouldn't overly care what those people think either. Like it should eventually come back to like who yourself is.

But if I'm waiting things, it's like stranger on the internet who saw a 30 second clip. someone who I care more if someone regularly listens and subscribes to my podcast. They know me on a deeper level than someone I've come across that came across a video on the internet. And then there's like my close friends who's who I respect and who's who I know also. And so I think just like be mindful of whose opinion you're consuming. Yes. And like you said, the person that knows you, 365 days a year, 24, is you. You know your own thoughts. You know your own intentions. You know if you're a good person or a kindhearted person or, you know how you felt in that moment. You had a better idea. Like people so

often, like you are the only one that really knows you because you know your thoughts and feelings. So, but that's the one that we often don't even give the least credence to. Right. We don't care about our own approval. We care about the approval. And we have a hundred percent of the information. And even your husband, even your wife, even your closest person in your life has about 2% of the information of like what you're thinking and feeling all day, what you're dreaming about at night, what you're, you're the only one that knows it all. So your opinion should be way above everybody else. If you're introspective and you're honest and you're willing to do the work of seeing yourself. But yeah, I loved it. I thought,

it was super. I think most people did. I thought it was really like a cute video of life. It's real life. We can't sanitize every experience that we have before. It's adorable. And I think like anyone who's really worked up about this is like kind of miserable in their own life. Or enough to like comment on this. I do. I would love to get into the psychology of an internet like commenter like troll commenter who just like come on if you are uh well we won't call you a troll because then you won't come but if you are a comment a frequent commenter come give us your side what are you what are you feeling what is what's going on for you when you're you know making a negative comment and even like you said you talk crap about like the housewives and whatever and like

maybe there is a feeling of like, okay, if you're putting this out there, it's, you know, you're feeding yourself to the dogs. Yeah. Well, it's like you're a deal with the devil a little bit, you know? Like there's, again, and there's many positives that come out with that. I think I have a really great, really fun job. Yeah. And I, you know, I think I'm mentally able to handle it.

Some people are not. Yeah. And it takes a lot of, you know, it takes a lot of, it doesn't happen immediately. I do think you need to like, that's something you need to like practice is desensitize yourself. Right. Desensitize like your perspective on the people who have perspectives on you. And like, again, Taylor Swift should look at me and say she doesn't really know me. Anything she says about me that's negative. Like she doesn't know, like she should say that about me.

I'm just stating my opinion, which could be totally wrong. Yeah. And we can, I would love to talk more about it, but I guess if we're thinking about it now, it probably is this idea and not for this listener, because she's not making any money. This is just like a random little video that's probably not going to do anything. She doesn't deserve this. She's not getting paid. So I think maybe for some people, there is a feeling of like, if you are making money on this, and a lot of people would love to be an influencer or like just kind of, you know, it's a pretty easy job. You document your life, you post it on the internet, maybe 75% of it is

positive. That's the negative of like living off of content is that sometimes maybe that's the feeling that people have when they're making a negative post. Maybe there's a little jealousy. Yeah. Maybe there's a little like you get paid by just putting your life out there. And so I'm just going to make you pay taxes a little bit here by slapping you with a, you know, shaming you in some way. But I imagine there's got to be something to that of like, this is too easy. So I'm going to have to like take you down a notch. Right.

And maybe for this video, people just don't think about the fact that she's reading the comments. Yes. Because she's not a celebrity. She's not like an influencer. So I think for those kinds of things. Not even thinking. Like we have so much content. It all just keeps coming that you can't personalize all of it really.

Right. You know, like you said, our brains are not meant to like be thinking about so many different other human experiences at one time. We're supposed to be in front of someone. And then I think about your human experience and my human experience in this moment. But if you think of how many humans you're interacting with whenever you're scrolling through your Instagram feed per minute, it's like a lot. Totally. And I think one more thing. one more thing to leave you with is that there's no there's almost no video or content that

everyone is going to love yeah so if she showed if the videographer showed the perfect wedding someone would not think it was perfect yes like there's just no way to be like you're so privileged that you were able to have this you know type of what you know right exactly like the kids at wedding things also is like from hosting Betches, Brides, like people who have an opinion on that so strongly in both ways. Like there's

just no, if you live your life trying to make absolutely no one especially on the internet dislike you or have anything negative to say you're going to be living your life completely for other people because everyone, there's no universally agreed

upon anything. Yep. Yeah. All right. Well, thank you. Well, thanks for writing in. This was a great question. It was a super cute video. Check it out. All right. Let's get into our next betchesist. You got this one. Okay. I will read this. Hi, Dr. Naomi and Jordana, a huge fan and subscriber to both this and you up podcast. I have a betchaicist that is just between me, myself, and I. In the last couple of years, I've become a huge thrifter. I love the thrill of the hunt and there's nothing like finding a hidden gem or designer piece while digging through the racks.

I mostly keep stuff for myself or for family, but will occasionally resell an item online, like on Poshmark to make a little money. I was recently at my favorite thrift store, which I usually hit up about once a week or so. It's become a habit to check pockets of bags and purses to see if they're clean and sometimes you might find some bonus change or something. although most places have staff checked for that before putting items out. A few weeks ago, I unzipped an interior pocket of a small bag and there was some folded up cash inside. I took it out and must have had a look of disbelief on my face because another shopper passed by and shared in my excitement. I've come to find there's a camaraderie among thrifters, especially people you see regularly.

I peeled off a couple of bills from the stack and gave them to her just to spread the good fortune. In the moment, I considered it finders keepers and couldn't believe my good luck, and I just kept on shopping. I spent about $80 and used the cash I found to pay. I never counted it, but I'd say it was probably about 140 total. However, it's been nagging me ever since that I did something wrong. I mean, I definitely wouldn't have left the cash in the bag, but should I have turned it into the store? Maybe offered it to the floor staff who were always so friendly and worked so hard. In hindsight, even though I didn't want it, I'm wishing I just bought the purse itself. It was $4.

Because in that case, the purse and its contents would be mine. And I could alleviate the guilt I'm feeling. So I'm a little afraid to ask, but would love to know, what do you think? Signed thrifty or shifty. This is a good one. Yeah. I feel like I would feel similarly to her of like unsure if this was like okay. I don't think it's so clearly okay or not okay in either direction.

I was like, the answer doesn't seem obvious to me. I would feel similarly to her. I almost feel like unless you can return the money to the person who originally thrifted the bag, the money belongs to no one and equally belongs to you as anyone else in the world or the store, unless you can get it back to like the person who forgot it was in the bag and sold the bag. which seems like a tough, I don't know how tracked these bags are. If someone who owned a thrift store found that,

could they contact the person and give it back to them? I think if that's a possibility, then you should give it, you should give it back to the original bag owner. Right. But that's, I don't, again, I don't know how many, what the steps are to get your bag into like one of these stores.

So if that's like kind of like a long shot or would take far too much effort or just like wouldn't make any sense, then I think it's hers. Yeah. The other, and I agree with you, I think the perfectly right thing to do would be to see if you could track it back to the person who belonged to. And I agree. It doesn't sound like that's possible. I think the other thing for us to talk about and for her to think about is like when you're in that moment, it's very hard to. have to sit, you're in a store, this other woman's like running over like, ooh, what'd you find? Sounds like maybe there is a culture of kind of like part of thrifting is like maybe you find

something cool in a pocket of a jacket. Secret treasure. Yeah, I almost, like she said, I don't think she's checking inside the pockets to see if they're clean. I think she's maybe, I don't know, I'm not a thrifter, but I could see maybe part of it is like walking along the beach with a metal detector. It's like, I wonder what I'm going to find. That's like a lucky find.

Yeah. So I think there's there's part of that. But the other piece is like in the moment, you might have made a quick decision, right? Because there's also probably this almost like an excited panicky activation of like, oh my God, it's $140. Am I going to keep it? This woman's here. She's like looking at me.

She's saying, oh, congrats. I give it to her. That probably was like a fun little exchange of like. My point being, I think you can step back now that you're thinking about it and reevaluate. And whatever decision you made in that moment doesn't need to be, you don't need to hold your moral compass because you made that decision in that moment. You're thinking about it now. You're reevaluating it now. And you can still change your decision in some respects where if you want to call the thrift store and say, hey, I was in a couple weeks ago.

I found this money in this purse. Is there any way that you can track this back to the owner? And the answer is probably going to be no. And then if it's no, then you can feel better that you like tried the best you could to find the owner. Or maybe the next time you go in there, you can leave them a big tip or you could leave a big tip somewhere else. So you could just pay it forward,

like do the coffee line thing where you pay for someone's coffee and kind of like a. Right. Give a little charity, whatever it is. Yeah. I think you can. do whatever you want to do if you're feeling a little bit badly about it to kind of pay it forward. Like I just found this thing and now I'm going to kind of use that to help someone else or just put a smile on someone else's face. I don't think you have to. But the good news is

you're thinking about this. You're writing in about it. So you obviously have a good moral code because you care. And I think sometimes we judge ourselves by like the decision that we make in a moment where it's like a pressured versus being able to be like, okay, this isn't, I don't need to judge myself because of my first gut reaction, which was to pocket it. If that's not what you want to do, you can still choose different. Right. Yeah. And I think those situations are tough when it's like it would require so much more work to like figure out how to like undo it than to just keep it and like do Or just simply, like I said, like I don't know, you walk down the street, give a homeless guy money when you wouldn't normally do that or just, you know, pay it forward in some way, which is easy. You can find a million ways to just do that.

Yeah. I think if like she was buying the bag off of like Facebook marketplace from a woman that she knew and then she opened the bag and some of a woman had left $140 in it, then like it's pretty clear. You should contact the person and tell them that. Yes. Yes. But in this case, it's like there's so many different layers away from that that the person, again, if the person's not going to get it back. I once had, um, a few years ago, I ordered like, um, Bala weights. Do you know those like bala bands?

They're like weighted. They're like things you put around your wrist for working out. Okay. I ordered one from anthropology. and they sent me a box with like 20 of them in them. Like I think like they like they accidentally sent me like the full amount of storage. They were like, you know what I mean? Like a like a, the amount that was supposed to go to a whole store probably like 20 of them.

Right. And so I was like I called. I mean, first of all, I don't need 20. Right. We're going to do it 20. Right. But I, so I called them and they were like, oh, okay, like, we'll send you like a label and you can ship it back.

I'm like, all right, great. Now I have like more work to do to do this nice thing. Yeah. And then they never sent me a label. And so then I was like, all right, I'm not going to like spend hours of my day trying to fix their. Totally. It's also a corporation. So it feels a little different.

So I just like gave them away to all my friends. Yeah. And I'm like, and then I, but I still sometimes think about that. I'm like, should I have like figured out how to get it back to anthropology? she corporate. I love that. I think you did the right thing. It's really funny because it is this lingering. So you know, I gave you for your birthday that framed photo of like Ron and the kids. So I had originally ordered it and I accidentally shipped it to my house instead of your house. And if I got it to my house and then had to like reship it to your house, I would have missed your

birthday. So and I realized it. And sounds like a pain in the ass. Yes. Two seconds after I ordered it, I realized it. I emailed them immediately. I like tried to get in touch. It was like literally after I click submit. Long story short, they sent it to my house and then they sent another one. And then eventually they got back to me, which was like two or three days later. I think it probably did end up being a little late and sent one to your house. And so then I still had the one that was sent to my house. So I contacted them and I was like, how am I going to get this back to you? Same kind of thing. They were like, okay, well, send you something or like, you know, whatever it was. And they never ended up sending it. So now I just kept it. I put it up on the mantle.

So now I have matching ones. We have matching ones. But every time I look at it, I'm kind of like, are they going to come looking for this? Like, are they going to come to my house and like take this picture back that now I've like it's kind of like now a part of the room um so yeah could I have they had their chance yeah right I could have called them a bunch of more times and been like hey you said you were going to send something like do you want this back um no corporations you get one chance yes I think and and that's even nice a lot of people would just be like I'm not like I'm paying you for a product and like you're a business like you messed up I'm not going to even But I think one attempt is nice and like ethical.

And if they don't, if they're not like doing everything in their power to get whatever back, then it's yours. Yeah. So I don't think you did anything wrong. I think the fact that you're thinking about it is, you know, nice. And if you are feeling guilty, then pay it forward in some way. If it's, if it's nagging you, that's a good way to get that nagging feeling to go away. Or maybe you want to thrift something and leave some money in the pocket. Someone will find it.

That's fun. Maybe she's like, I'll leave a 20 in there. I kind of agree. But it's almost like that. I think of that sometimes with like the, you know, like there's like a curb episode about the unwritten laws of dry cleaning where it's like, you know, occasionally you get something extra. Occasionally you like lose something.

You never get it back. I do kind of think about that with a lot of stuff. It's like sometimes you went out. You get an extra. thing. You get an extra framed picture, whatever it is. And sometimes like it gets lost in the mail and the company refuses to refund you. And like in the end, it all. It does generally feel like you've probably lost $100 in cash somehow throughout your life. Definitely. Probably more. So, so, you know, it's probably evened out. You got it this time. This is for all the money that

you didn't realize dropped out of your pocket over the last 30 years. Yes. Think of it that way. All right. Let's do some intentions. I'll read them. Dear Jordana and Dr. Naomi, I'm a huge fan of the pod. I love listening every week as you two thoughtfully and truthfully discuss listener issues. Thank you so much for what you do. My reason for writing in is I'm looking for an intention or advice for an issue I've been dealing with. My husband is in the military and has been on deployment for six and a half months now. For context, I'm 26, my husband's 27, and we've been married for a little over a year.

Overall, the deployment has been going pretty well for us as a couple. That's not to say I don't miss him, but despite the 16-hour time difference, we have been able to text daily and usually face time once or twice a week. I also have my own job, friends, and hobbies to keep me busy and my mind off the fact that my partner and best friend is across the globe. Now for the issue. Ever since my husband left, I have been having sex dreams involving nearly

every man in my life except for my husband. My dreams have featured everyone from ex-boyfriends to co-workers to my husband's friends and even my husband's brother just last night. I'm not having thoughts about these people during my waking hours and they aren't all people I would even label as objectively attractive. I don't normally try to place meaning on dreams or interpret them as I'm a very active dreamer and the only other recurring dreams I've had in my life have been anxiety dreams. But this carousel of sex dreams has been reoccurring for months now and leaves me feeling shameful, icky, and guilty when I wake up. I feel like my subconscious is torturing me by picking up people who are particularly and increasingly inappropriate to be featured in these sex

dreams. It has been getting worse and more frequent as time has gone on and the guilt and shameful feelings are lingering beyond waking up and weighing on me. I also don't feel like there's anyone in my life I can talk to about this because while it's just a dream, I know it would be hurtful to tell my husband I'm having these dreams while he's gone, and any friends or family would probably assume these dreams mean I subconsciously want to cheat on my husband. I would love an intention for how to put my mind at ease and stop feeling guilty over something I can't control. Also, if you have any advice and how to make these dreams go away or feature my own dang husband instead, I'm all ears for any suggestions. A 50 Shades of Gray in My Sleep, Betch. P.S., if I'm feeling 100%

honest, I think these dreams could be linked to a fear of cheat. on my husband and ruining my marriage. Very early on into dating, my husband, I cheated on him and I carried a lot of guilt and shame for that long after we had worked through it as a couple. My husband carries no lingering distrust of me because of that early incident, but I don't know that I've truly let myself off the hook for that and probably never will. She knows what's happening here, I think. She's probably, she's not cheating on him in real life,

but she's probably not like fully trusting herself. The same way we talk about when there's infidelity and the wounded partners, like, how could, if you could ever do something like that, then like, how could I ever really trust you again? Because you are capable of doing that. So I think she's having that towards herself. Like if I'm capable of doing that, maybe I'm capable of doing that again. And I think these dreams, the fact that they're getting,

increasingly intense and like more shocking with like the most recent sounds like being his brother something's calling for her attention here and I think it's what she says which is like this idea that she's not trusting herself that she feels shame for what happened in the past and he is really far away for a really long time um and probably some fear of like I capable of doing this again. Am I capable of ruining my marriage? And the last piece I think is maybe the two of them need a conversation, not about the dreams, because the dreams are just a symptom. Right. I wouldn't mention that. Yeah. No, I wouldn't mention the dreams. I agree. But a conversation about like, how are you feeling? Like, I know we had this, you know, rift in the beginning. We had this

breach of trust when we first met. And, you know, I'm curious if this might be hard. for you if any of that comes up for you now that we're far apart. I would kind of be surprised if it doesn't in some way, shape, or form. I think when couples are long distance for a long period of time, it's normal to have these feelings of insecurity and maybe talking to him about that, reassuring him and in turn maybe reassuring yourself might help you just kind of be like, okay, I'm going to address this thing. Not in like I had a dream. I was having sex with your brother last night because I agree.

I wouldn't say. Unhelpful. Yes. But would say like I know we've been long distance. I don't know how much, you know, I know he's deployed and I don't know how many, how long you have on the phone to have like a deeper, more intimate conversation. Maybe it would have to wait until he comes home. I don't know if you guys can have two hours on the phone together to kind of go through this

or an hour or whatever it might. take, but to be able to address it. Like, I know you've forgiven me. I know you've moved on, but I still, and that's like one of the things I tell couples to do after a, you know, a cheating incident is to for the couple, you know, for the unfaithful partner to come and say randomly, sometimes, like, hey, I haven't forgotten that I did this to you and I just want you to know. I think about it and I will never do that to you again. Right. I think, People are scared to do that because they don't want to like re-feel the guilt or maybe hear something they don't want to hear from the person of feel more shame.

Yes. I like bringing it out into the open. Yes. But her psyche is calling her, I think, to address it and address her shame. And who better to address your shame with than the person who you hurt? Yeah. Because that might feel nice. I'm sure he hasn't like erased it from his memory.

I know he's moved on and you guys don't talk about it and he probably feels great, but I can't hurt to say, you know, I still think about this sometimes and I just want you to feel confident and I still feel shame about that. This is your shame's way of coming up and it's actually a good thing, I think, in a lot of ways, although when you're in the midst of the dream, it doesn't feel like you're coming out of it like, oh my God, I'm a cheater. I did this in my dream, but I think what's really coming out is like I'm shamed of this. If she was here, I'd be curious to know what the feeling is in the dream.

If she's like... Right, while she's doing it. Yeah. Yeah. If she's like feeling that shame or worried about it or if it's just like purely like, you know, a enjoyable sexual experience in the dream. Um, but I'm curious to know about that because sometimes the feeling, not sometimes, almost always, the feeling is more important than the content of the dream. Right. It's not about who she's Like she said, they're not even attractive. It's like increasingly getting more like alarming.

Yeah. Like listen to me. Listen to me. Pay attention to this. It's not about the content of the person that she wants that person. It's more. Right. And then the feeling that she has of like this anxiety when she wakes up and then it's

sort of like intrusively she's thinking about it probably makes it more likely to happen again because then her, like, you know, in your dreams, your subconscious is bringing everything to the surface that you're not trying to. to think about in your waking hours. So if she does address that, I would imagine that it could subside. Yeah, I think I, my hunch is it really will subside if she,

isn't afraid of it. And I can see why she's afraid of it. I totally get it. I think any time someone has any kind of dream, sexual dream that's not their partner. It's like a little scary. Like, why is this happening? What, like, what is going on here?

Am I really subconsciously wanting to, sleep with someone else. And I don't think that has to be what it is. I think it can be more of just like there's a deeper emotion that you're not, that you're not willing to feel. And again, like you said, the more shameful you are about the dreams, the more you repress whatever that is and the more likely you are to dream about it. So I think if she can lean into it, acknowledge what's really going on, either just for herself or for her. Because Even as it's so interesting, in real time, as she's writing to us, she almost ended the email without telling us about the cheating.

Right. She probably doesn't want to talk about it. Right. And then came back to like, okay, I have to be honest. So even in real time, as recent as a week ago or whenever she wrote in, she was kind of denying her shameful feelings, which is normal, normalize it, but that is what. is she says what can help me stop dreaming about this make these stop i think it's going to be acknowledging the shame acknowledging how you feel about it maybe talking to your partner about it

in like not that explicit way and just like pulling it up and out maybe doing the rain meditation around this um your feelings can really guide you but not if you're afraid of them and repressing them and like pushing them away then they're not going to be able to guide you they're just going to send you on a wild goose chase agreed the intention that i wrote for her along those lines are and this probably could i kind of expanded it a little bit for others to maybe relate is thoughts emotions and dreams can better guide me if i release my fear of them so don't be afraid of these dreams, like they're just trying to speak to you. The other one in the moment, like before bed, maybe you can tell yourself so you're not so afraid of dreaming, which might help make you not

want to fall asleep or be, you know, just kind of be anxious about going to bed. Am I going to have these dreams? Is I'm a loyal wife in real life. I will release my shame for thoughts or dreams. Thoughts are just thoughts. Dreams are just dreams that you didn't do anything wrong. Exactly. Tell that to every man who's ever watched porn. Yes. Yes. Can't police your own thoughts. Anyway.

Yes. But good to address. All right. Great question. Thank you. Great question. I'm sure. I'm sure a lot of people have dealt with some version of this.

Yes. All right. Let's do some triggers. Okay. I will read the first one. Hi, Jordana and Dr. Naomi writing him with a triggered moment from last week. I'm currently 29 weeks pregnant with my second child.

My parents don't live in the same area as me and my family, but they were visiting last week when I had a check-in appointment with my OB. I invited my mom along because I thought it would be special for her to hear her future granddaughter's heartbeat. The appointment was going well when at the end, my OB asks any other questions or concerns? I shook my head no when my mom from her seat on the side of the room goes, what do you think about her weight? Extra emphasis on the word weight. my OB goes, do you mean the baby's weight or so-and-so's weight, to which my mom says, so-and-so. Kind of weird, awkward moment in the room for sure during the pause before my doctor goes,

um, her weight is looking good, right on track. Then my mom decides to double down and says, well, because she's been eating a lot this pregnancy, I was so incredibly embarrassed. I couldn't believe she asked this. It was so awkward as I sat on the exam table with the crinkly, paper just looking down, shaking my head, clearly not amused and clearly not co-signing this question asking. My doctor paused, let out an uncomfortable laugh and said, mom, you're going to get yourself

uninvited to these appointments with those types of questions. I appreciated that he was trying to bring some levity to the moment and also I couldn't have agreed more. No more appointment invites for mom. When we left, I told her she really embarrassed me. I think my exact words were way to put me on blast in there, mom. She responded by saying, well, you told me you were going to ask him about your weight. I said, no, that's not accurate at all.

Earlier in the day, I had made a passing comment of, I wonder what my weight will be because I don't have a scale at home and was just curious how different it would be from last month. As soon as they call your name for your appointment, first thing they do is put you on the scale before taking you to the exam room. So I immediately had my answer done. I explained this to my mom and she said, well, I only ask. ask because I thought you wanted to ask and you just had forgotten. Another layer of triggered.

I replied, mom, if I had wanted to ask him a question I would have and that was a question I did not want to ask him. It really embarrassed me how you did that. Since then, my mom has apologized saying she never intended to embarrass me. Another piece of background info that I'm sure is contributing to my sensitivity on this topic and specific moment is that my mom has always been extremely thin and places a lot of emphasis on counting calories and working out what often seems around the clock. She makes frequent comments about her and others' bodies, including my own.

It has hurt my feelings on many occasions over the years and has historically made me self-conscious about the way I look. Not now, though. Thankfully, I feel happy and beautiful in my pregnant form, and I'm just thankful for all that my body is doing. I'm trying to move on from this whole thing, especially since she did offer a sincere apology, but I can't help that every time I think of this whole interaction, it makes me cringe with embarrassment. I still can't believe my mom would find it appropriate to do that in a doctor's

appointment with her 28 weeks pregnant daughter. Let me know what you think. Thanks, ladies, waiting before I invite you again. This is very triggering. This is crazy. Would not invite this mom back, as she said. You know what's interesting to me is she wrote, I'm trying to move on from this whole thing, especially since she did offer a sincere apology. The apology doesn't sound that sincere to me. Like the way she describes the apology sounds like, not like, oh, I could totally see how that would be embarrassing. I'm sorry for doing that.

I don't, you know, I think you look beautiful. Yes. Doesn't sound like there was any of that in there. It sounds like she was apologizing for like a miscommunication about who was going to ask about the weight. Yes. Yes, yes. I thought you wanted me to ask. I thought you forgot. I don't know. It sounds like maybe there was another conversation that made her feel better. But I agree. Maybe that is why it's lingering

is because she doesn't really get it. And the idea that she does think that you need to lose weight or you're not good the way you are or there's something wrong with you. And because of all the history and context of her like being workout obsessive and weight obsessive. Yeah, I think the communication between them was probably like glossed over surface level communication around what she's really feeling. This is hard. We had one of these a few weeks ago where like adult children communicating with their parents can sometimes feel like, all right, this isn't my partner, I don't have to deal with this every day. Like, it's very hard to think about, like, having this deep heart to heart right now when I can just, like, avoid the problem

and just not invite her to appointments anymore, which sounds like you should probably do anyway. But it sounds like maybe there is a bigger conversation. And I think the last one, we kind of gave some advice around the same thing, like addressing. It was about the mother with the daughter where she was like making comments, or she was afraid she was going to make comments to her small child about her body. Yeah. And she had also been making comments throughout their childhood. And she was afraid that this was going to kind of keep happening.

So if you can bring yourself to it, I think being able to express yourself, like as if you were in a therapy session with your mom, what would you say? You would say, like, you've made comments about my body throughout my life. And that's part of why this felt so uncomfortable. and it would feel nice to hear some acknowledgement and ownership, like you said, not just a sincere apology about this particular comment on this particular day in a more sincere way, but maybe there's a deeper feeling that needs to be addressed here.

Yeah, especially when she tells the doctor, and I think this is almost the most triggering part, because if one thing about the, she's like, oh, you wanted to ask about the weight, I'd want you to forget to say she's been eating a lot to me. me that's like one she lives out of town right to me that would be i think that would be like the point i would harp on to my mom and be like it feels like you're like watching and judging what i eat which makes me feel really self-conscious around you and like judged by you someone who's been doing that for decades perhaps yes to me that's like the more triggering comment of like you're telling the doctor how much i'm like you think i so you're whenever i'm eating you're looking at me and you're thinking

about how much and what it is. And like this preoccupation that you're having is like, and then you're not only doing it in your head, but you're saying it out loud. So yeah, this is, I agree. Worth a conversation, it's a good opportunity, I think, to have it. Yes. In like, maybe like revisiting or coming back to the comment.

And like, I'm sure that. I mean, usually these things are much more about the person saying them. Like, clearly she has her own. And I get, and I also get this feeling of like her mom's probably in her 50s or 60s. Like, is she going to suddenly become super body positive? Is she suddenly going to like not care about these things? Maybe it's like just kind of natural. And I can see why you'd want to avoid having this conversation by being like, well,

what is really going to change? She's not going to like at this point. I don't even see her that much, like whatever. Right. But I think if it really bothers her, I think it makes a lot of sense because she's going to see her. It's like she's never going to see her again or she's never going to feel this way again. Yeah. And sometimes it is therapeutic just to like say what you've been feeling or like open up some childhood wounds,

especially with the person that, you know, was a part of that. I think there is some therapeutic, you know, gain to be had there just by her sharing. And maybe her mom would say, I didn't know it made you feel that way. Maybe her mom is kind of aloof to how her own body image eating exercise stuff has been affecting her kids. I mean, again, I think younger people are so hyper aware. Like, there's so much more parenting information out there. and people are like watching reels and memes and just so more so much more introspective

about their parenting than I think the prior generation was. So she may not even realize like how all of her own comments have affected you. So there might be some communication there to be had of like, hey, just so you know, anytime you've commented on what I'm eating or not eating or my weight or my body, it, you know, didn't make me feel good. and I just want to share that with you. I still love you. I still think you're a great mom.

You did some amazing things. Like it doesn't have to, you know, you don't want it to come off as like just completely scolding. But I think, you know, and to soften it a little so that maybe she's a little more receptive, you can say, I just can't stop thinking about that day in the OB office. And I was trying to figure out exactly why I was so, like I just couldn't let it go, even though you apologized. And this is kind of what I've come up with. Right.

as a way of like owning it a little bit of like this is something that's I'm experiencing. Yes, it was because of something that you did. But I just want to share with you like what's going on in my heart and my mind. Right. And then it makes it less about the communication of the or the miscommunication of who was supposed to ask about the weight and more about like what's really the real issue is, which is this and a lingering resentment about the way she's talked about her body. Yeah.

And look, she's having a daughter. So maybe there is something where she can relate to. to that other listener of like, how is my mom going to be interacting with my daughter around this down the line? Right. I'd give this a six and a half. Yeah. Especially for the, she's been eating a lot comment. Yeah. I'm going to give it a seven. I just think there's like you're naked on that paper and like she's in the office and you're like, I just think it's a very vulnerable position in front of someone else, like a male doctor too, which probably maybe, in some way makes it feel worse. Although he sounded like, you know, he handled it well. He had her back.

He was kind of like, you know, not into that question. I give her a lot of credit for self-restraint. Like I think if we pulled 100 listeners, how they would have reacted if their mother did that, some of them might have been like lurching off of the table. Right. Like screaming. Yeah, impressive. Right. Well, she probably felt like a little kid again. You know, it's kind of what it sounds. She's like in this super vulnerable moment. Maybe the fact that she's not wearing any clothes also gives you, I'll bump it up to the seven. Yeah. Yeah, there's just something so I think vulnerable about being. And the way she handled it did seem timid and not assertive, especially at first, like in front of the doctor, like not saying anything instead of like turning to her and. being like I do think there was like a child like regression in that moment of like I just have to

sit here while my mother like takes my Oreos out of my lunchbox or right whatever it is and just like deal with it um versus then after she said like even her initial reaction comment was kind of like she said you really embarrassed me yeah I think yeah and it was not like a protective like what's the matter with you. Why would you do that? Like, right, wasn't aggressive, which I'm not saying she had to be aggressive. It's nice. Like I give her credit for responding that way, but it did seem like almost a kind of timid lack of empowerment in the way that she maybe felt it seemed like in that moment where that childlike thing was probably very present. Yeah, I agree. Yeah, I feel for you, I hope you, at least you said what you said.

So that's a good start. If you can let it go, let it go. But if it lingers, maybe you do need a conversation with your mom around it. And like you said initially, a different, better, more, you know, an apology that leans in a little bit more to what you were actually feeling. Right. Rather than logistics of it. Yeah. All right.

All right. Hi, Betches. I'm a huge fan of oversharing. I've been listening from the very beginning. I have a triggered scenario that happened earlier this. year in your recent episode about the bride's non-family member gifting her wedding photos for Christmas inspired me to write in. I got married last year and shared the gallery link with our immediate families and a couple of close friends. About eight months later, I got a message from my photographer

asking if I knew my new sister-in-law's name. My husband's sister has been getting into photography herself, so I figured she had reached out to my photographer for guidance or something. Turns out my sister-in-law had downloaded our entire gallery of 800-plus pictures, except the ones she was in, put her watermark on them, and uploaded them to her own website as an example of her work. I apologized to my photographer and let her know I would support whatever she did about it. She ended up only filing a claim to have my sister-in-law take down the pictures and contacted photographer Facebook groups in her city who removed her but didn't share the reason with others. part of me wish she would have been shamed more publicly because I felt so wronged in taking advantage of.

My husband and I have never told their parents or anyone else, but it's definitely crossed my mind. I was around an eight on the triggered scale at the time and I've since calmed down. But if I think about it too long, especially the fact that she completely got away with it, I could probably be that triggered again. So how triggered can I be if my sister-in-law steals my wedding photos for her own portfolio? that is crazy. Yeah, that's awful. She put her watermark on them.

That is like the most... The whole point of the watermark at all is so that nobody can do that and like, oh, this is really... Yeah. I mean, that is the most like blatant way you could possibly steal something. Crazy. And put her watermark on it. Like, I had this friend, this just reminds me. I had this friend in fourth grade.

And whenever I played with her, she would take something from the house and bring it. I had these pump sneakers. Those of you that are older, well, maybe remember they were like Reebok pumps or something. And the idea was you could pump them and it would make you jump higher. They didn't work. But they were like, it was like a little gimmicky thing. And they were cool at the time. And she took them.

and then she wore them to school and in like black Sharpie on the inside of the tongue, she wrote her name on them. Wow. So she was kind of like, okay, my name is on them now. So they are mine. And then she took, I had Super Mario Brothers 3 video game, the newest. It was like, you know, a big gift that I was like super excited about. She came over.

The cartridge is gone. like looking around and the next day she shows up to school and says, I got Super Mario Brothers 3. My parents just bought it for me last night with no box but the cartridge and it says her name on it and Sharpie. So this woman like has the mindset of a fourth grader where she's kind of like, all right, I'm going to take this, put my name on it and now it's mine. Now it's mine.

Yeah, which is crazy as like a professional person. I mean, the implicit, the obviously messed up to you, but like, this is just like fraud, like you said. It's an adult and it's fraud and it's money. But like it just reminds me of like this mindset of like, okay, I could just steal something. Put my name on it. It's crazy like the con. It's almost like, I can't imagine having that level of confidence to just be like my public website that I'm just going to take someone's right there. It's like like the same level of, I think the thing that's similar in story is just like the brazeness of it. It's like not hidden.

It's not like it's like you said that's mine. And then she's like, no, I actually wrote this on it, like announcing that you've basically stolen. How does she not think she she has her website, her people that are in that wedding, you think would like go see her website like her brother and her sister-in-law that be like, oh, let me see your new photography website. Oh, that's awesome. Oh, wait.

Right. You weren't the photographer at our wedding. Like, I don't know how she didn't think she was going to get caught. The whole thing sounds. I wonder if she's like, I don't know. Sounds like a sociopath. Yeah. Yeah.

There might be something wrong that she would have no idea that she would get caught and that there are implications and that this is fraud and theft. And, uh, yeah. And that's embarrassing for her. She's ever had something weird. this with this sister-in-law? I mean, I would be like, because it sounds, it sounds like she's triggered more that she's gotten away with it.

Right. I mean, I think there's two levels to it. One, it's like a betrayal to, like, you're kind of, she, I mean, I guess it's the word, the person who's the biggest victim is the photographer. Right. Who's having her work stolen from her. The next victim is the sister-in-law who's like, one, she's embarrassed by doing this, too.

and putting her in a weird position. Yeah. It's like the other part of it. I wonder, has the brother not said anything to her? Like, I'm trying to think if this happened in our family, I feel like there would be a discussion with the person of like, hey, my, it's also like, it's not even like she's pre. She's like, hey, my photographer reached out and let me know, like, you put our wedding photos

on your website and she took out the picture of her, so she knew it was wrong and did this, like what's going, I think that that's the most inferior. Like there has, doesn't sound like there's even been a conversation about it, which seems like a weird family dynamic, because if I did that to you or you said you were a photographer and like I found all my wedding pictures on your website, like we would discuss it. Yes. Yes. I, if so if you're having trouble letting it go and you haven't addressed it, like I know you want consequences, but maybe the consequence is that or one of the consequences is that you actually address it and then she's uncomfortable or your brother or your husband her brother addresses it with her and says like wow that was crazy were you drunk like what

why would you do that why would you do that like that was embarrassing they she called me and said you know is this your do you know this person and i had to say yes and i mean you maybe not say are you drunk. You can come at it a little bit more kindly and then a little bit more softly and with some level of curiosity. But yeah, I think if you two have not had a conversation with her directly, I think that's the next step. Yeah. And I almost think the fact that they haven't had a conversation is maybe why she's able to have to get away with doing something this intense. Like, clearly this is someone that's not been confronted about any crazy action she's done because this is so, I feel like this is not the first weird fucked up thing you do.

This is like you'd probably be getting away with smaller versions of this for years where no one's confronting you or saying anything. Like it almost seems like the fact that they haven't spoken to her about it is like why she's been able to get to this level. Because most people would get like called out for like if no one ever said anything to that fourth grade girl, I could see how she would do this. Right. But eventually you would imagine someone, I don't know if it was you,

someone would be like, this is stealing. You can't do this. Right. And another interesting layer is that she's marrying into this. So you're right. I don't know. I'm speculating. Come, come back at us if you wrote this, if you are listening and you wrote this email and clarify if this is wrong. But like if there was no conversation about it and she put this up knowing that her family members would probably see at some point her professional website, right? Like if you had a professional website, I'll probably check it out at some point. Some point. I've seen your Naomi Bernstein.com. Right. Especially you're referring somebody like to the photographer. She probably didn't thought her brother might be signing on to this fraud. Like, or at least not care. Yeah. Or at

at least not getting into it. Yeah. Yeah. It's like you're saying there might be a culture of like we accept some of these like moral, you know, questionable morals in our family or we don't call each other out on these things, which allowed her to go ahead and post it without fear in the first place. And now you're marrying into this and you're kind of like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Like, what's this dynamic where people do fraudulent stuff

and nobody like calls them out on it or addresses it. So that might be kind of what's happening. Like a lot of these wedding, newly married, joining family things come up around like your family dynamic is anyone can do whatever they want and nobody's going to call them out on something that's like really immoral and sketchy. And my family dynamic is if somebody does something like this, there's going to be a conversation about it. Right.

Someone's going to call them out. Totally. And now they're married. So it's like, how? of cultures. Yes. But also like now we're married, maybe we're going to have kids. What is the culture that we're going to be bringing them into?

And how does your upbringing and the way you deal with your sister's fraud affect, like, the way you would deal with our kid doing something that was immoral like that? And I think you would mean all kids or all people as they're growing up, maybe like experiment with doing something a little shady or a little weird. I'm sure I've done that. Or like, you know, I remember one, you know, our sister tried to have me put a candy bar in my bag or something. And then like the way that people react to that, I think I remember, I remember like when we were kids, one of like one of our sisters was like, you know, put this in your, it was like a chocolate bar. We were at the supermarket.

Yeah, from like a grocery store. She was like, just put it like, let's see what happens. Right. And then we got outside and we showed our dad. And we were like, look. like free chocolate bar and he like was like screaming at us. He's like that's not what you. He's like that's not what I mean. Like the way that that's almost like the first I think time you're able to see like how does the world respond to me like beating the system. And that's why it's so important

to do that I think super early on like clearly with that girl who stole your shoes. I don't think that was happening if she did something a little weird like that. And I don't think it's the kids fault for doing something like testing the waters or like because they don't you know they don't know what the how intense the rules are like not a bad kid or a good kid but um i think that's a really important example to say pretty yes early on i never i never stole a candy bar again after that yes yeah and maybe this is a conversation for you and your husband about like how are we going to handle these types of things and is was this something growing up that like I'm sure there are families out there where it's like, all right, if you got away with it,

good for you. Or like, no big deal. Like it's not the end of the world. You're not, you know, whatever justification people make for these types of immoral behaviors that maybe is worth you guys having a conversation about as you're moving into creating a family together or even just your moral code in general for the two of you and what's acceptable and unacceptable. Yeah. This does seem bigger than just this thing, which is big already.

But yeah. All right. Look, all these little moments, these triggering things that come up, a lot of times they are a communication that something's brewing under the surface that needs to be addressed in a bigger picture. It doesn't have to be a bad thing. Maybe it's a good thing. If this didn't happen, we wouldn't be having this conversation and becoming more intimate, more connected. Again, not, you know, jumping at it with judgment. I wouldn't say like, were you drunk. That probably isn't a great way to communicate. I would just come at it. Maybe with your husband first as like, what do you make of this? Like, yeah, you know, maybe we should address it with her and see more importantly between the two of you before then again addressing the sister.

So agreed. Yeah. I don't think she needs public shaming if she can get private family shaming, which doesn't sound like it's happened here. I would I would settle for private family shaming. for this one. But I'd give this like, I mean, it's like a nine if you're the nine and a half. If you're the photographer for the sister-in-law, I would give it like a seven and a half. Yeah. I agree. That sounds about right.

Oh, gosh, keep them coming. These stories are really, they're great. And we can really dig down and see what's going on underneath all this. So thank you guys so much for writing in, being vulnerable with us. and helping all the listeners in the meantime. We do appreciate it. Yeah. All right.

That's our time. Great work today. Betches.