Oversharing - Baby Steps : A Chance At Motherhood In the Face Of Breast Cancer Ft. Sarrah Strimel Bently || Season 3 Ep. 8

Episode Date: September 25, 2025

In this heartfelt conversation, Sarrah Strimel Bentley joins Jordana and Dr. Naomi in studio to share her incredible journey from being a Broadway performer to navigating the challenges of motherhood, breast cancer, and surrogacy. She discusses her diagnosis, the importance of self-advocacy, and the emotional rollercoaster of fertility treatments. Sarrah shares how her resilience and hope, and the power of community support helped her navigate this time of uncertainty until she ultimately welcomed her son into the world. As an advocate for others experiencing these challenges she created 'A Chance For Life', an organization and resource that allows her to do so.https://achanceforlife.org/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

A quick note before we get into the episode, Oversharing is a podcast for entertainment purposes only. It is not a medical podcast and does not constitute medical or psychological advice. Always seek the advice of your physician or mental health professional. Hello and welcome back to Baby Steps. I'm Jordana Abraham. And I am Dr. Naomi Bernstein. And we are here in studio with a very special guest.

I'm so looking forward to speaking to you. Please welcome Sarah Strimmel Bentley to the show. Thank you so much for joining us. I'm so excited to be here and talk to you guys today. Of course. And I know you're a breast cancer survivor, yoga instructor, former Broadway performer, and you're here to tell us all about your unconventional road to parenthood. So I'm excited to dig into your story.

I know it's like there's a lot of twist and turns. So I guess to start, would you just take us back to like when you even thought about having kids or, you know, what was what was the process like? of even deciding you wanting, wanted to have children. Yeah, I mean, I'm an old Broadway show girl. Like, I think I'm going on 20 years here in New York City. You know, being on Broadway brought me here. And so we all know how much fun it is to date in New York City over 20 years span. So, you know, I always knew I wanted to be a mom.

I'm best friends with my mother. And so I wanted to have that relationship, you know, and I wanted to have that experience. And so through the years, it was like, is it going to be possible? Am I ever going to find a good man here in New York? That's the single New York City existential crisis. It is. It is. And, you know, as we got older, I'll never forget I was sitting in the dressing room of Rock of Ages on Broadway.

And it was myself and three other girls, and we were all 30. And we had all just had a huge breakup. And one of the girls said, hey, you know, everybody's freezing their eggs right now. Should we do this? So it was like 2010. Okay. And then I said, I really think it's super expensive. Like, it costs a lot, like maybe 10 grand, right?

And so then we batted around the idea for a while. And then the matinee ended, and we went straight to the Barney's Warehouse sale, RIP Barneys. And we think we proceeded to spend thousands of dollars at the Barney's Warehouse sale. And I was like, ah, you should have frozen your eggs then. So, you know, it was a journey the last 20 years to see, like, okay, am I going to meet my guy? And then am I going to be able to get pregnant, you know? And so I finally met my guy at age 38 in 2019 right before the pandemic. Where'd you meet?

The league. The league that dating app. I was on the league for a hot second. You were? Yeah. It's hilarious because I catfished him. What? I didn't graduate college.

Okay. So the league is, I don't know if you know this. It is still a dating app, right? I think so. It was predicated. You're only a Broadway star, but, you know. Yeah, like, you know. But it was predicated on having gone to an idea.

League college. Right. Or it was supposed to be like, and you had to be invited. It was like an elite kind of field thing. So I guess they needed some showgirls in there to fill out some things. I don't know.

So I got on the league and every, you know, here and there through the years I would use it. They send you a couple matches a day. And so I jumped back on the league in 2019 after, you know, the M-Tenth million breakup of a guy in Montauk with a boat. And, you know,

there was, there was this redhead named James Spencer Bentley. And I'd never really dated a redhead before, but he seemed tall. And I said, okay, he was a banker. Yeah, so we... As he would be on the league. As he would be on the league, because he went to, yeah, you have to stay at Walton. He went to Walton.

So he deserved to be on the league. And so, yeah, first date, the cat was out of the bag. Okay, first date. I did not have a college degree. Yes. But I had a New York degree of life, so I think that counts. I think that's worth a lot. So then you guys start dating.

Yeah. And then what happens next? We meet December 6, 2019. Okay. Start dating. Fifth date. We pick out of a hat to go on a trip. We go to San Francisco and to Napa Valley.

So, flew across. Fift date. Taking a trip you guys were in. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It was amazing.

And I got back and I'm like, Mom, I'm going to marry this guy. I'm going to marry this. This is the man I'm going to marry. And so we, you know, had this great, like, three months where we would go to Miami. And then all of a sudden the world stopped. And as everybody had the conversation, we had, do we quarantine your apartment? My apartment, not mine. Mine was too small for that.

Or do we go to my parents in Florida? Do we go to your parents in Boston? We went to Florida. But you knew you were doing it together. We decided that. Yeah. We were like, let's go in because he thought it was going to be for a week or two. I knew more, so I packed more.

And yeah, we were there for three months with my parents. And that probably accelerated the relationship, I would imagine. Totally. I mean, don't they say that if you COVIDed, if you did the COVID with someone, it was, it was like having a 10, 10 years. You either broke up or you were like moving like three years ahead of where you were before. Yeah. So my parents fell in love with them. We cooked every night. We danced, you know. And we decided to buy a house on the internet in the Hamptons together. Unseen? Sight unseen. I mean, I was like, this is our house. And there was a series of things had to happen. And the house came to us. And we moved into the house. August 4th during a hurricane of 2020. Wow. Right?

So we brought the U-Haul to the closing. There's like a hurricane happening. We lost power. And three weeks later, I was walking on the beach with him, and I felt a lump in my breast. And then our whole story sort of took a really big turn. You're now dating how long? Right.

Dating nine months. Okay. So you're dating nine months. In our house in the Hamptons, you know, I had the dog. I had a puppy right before I met him. So like my dreams are coming true. Right. coming together. Having like the New York, the story, finally. And we had talked, you know,

in these nine months about what our children would look like. Like, when my hair is not slicked back, if you guys, you know, you're listening, it's, it's very curly when it's not slicked back into a bun here. Our daughter would have wild curly hair and she'd be, you know, just like a running around naked, like her mom. And then our son would be very much like my husband, very buttoned up, you know, perhaps even a ginger. So we had like all these nights where we would sit and we would dream. And it just, it, it, it, and then all of a sudden in one moment, you feel like your world comes crashing down and you get a breast cancer diagnosis, which is what happened to me,

a week after I found my own breast cancer. A week after? Mm. Okay. And then what are, what are the doctors telling you like needs to happen? Yeah. So, I mean, I found the lump and it's COVID. Okay.

My gynecologist was like, oh, you know, it's nothing. You're too young. You're 38 years old. You have no family history. We'll get you an ultrifice. sound someone will call you to schedule. They called and they said, okay, we can get you in in December. This was August. So three months. And I'm like, that doesn't sit well with me. This is something, this is something. This is, I know my body so well, you know, having been a dancer and a yogi.

And so I advocated and I called everybody I knew. And someone made one phone call to a private firm that didn't take any insurance. Of course. Of course. But I made the decision to get the test that would save my life because my cancer was very aggressive. They got me in. They did the test. They diagnosed me on Labor Day weekend. What stage was it? Stage two.

Invasive ductal carcinoma. And it had gone into my lymph nodes already. They think it grew in six months. Wow. So like amazing that you advocated for yourself. Like that's such a good, you know, because I feel like there's a especially, I mean, in infertility, I think there's like a sense of like the doctor knows best. And like, you know, very few people, I think can be like, no.

No, like, that doesn't feel right. So that's very, like, impressive on your part. I'm glad. I don't know, you know, looking back on it, what was the moment where I really was dead set on the test? Like, I don't know when the decision happened, right? But it happened. Thank God. Because if I would have walked away, because I'm like, oh, that's going to be like 20 grand.

I don't really feel like spending 20. I need to buy new furniture for our new house. Just to get the, like, the procedure or like the skin? To get an ultrasound and biopsy. Wow. Yeah, I say that, like, I had taught a lot of yoga that summer. That's crazy. Oh, my gosh.

So that, they said it, they said, if I would have waited three months for the test they wanted to schedule, it most likely would have become stage four metastatic disease, which is incurable. Wow. And that is, it's so interesting that you said, like, you're a yoga teacher, you know your body, you envision your daughter running around naked. Like, I think there was probably something there and just, like, really being comfortable with your body and knowing, like, this doesn't feel right and trusting your intuition. And that's incredible.

Oh, my gosh. So, but you're in this new relationship and this happens. So how do you navigate? Is he all in the whole time? Is there any? So this is the story. This is the moment. So, you know, you get diagnosed and then they give you a binder and it's like a model

on a go see. You're like walking around New York, but you're like crying instead of having model things on because you're terrified. Right. So MRI. pet scan, you know, the whole week. And the day after I got diagnosed, they said, you also have to go to this fertility clinic. And I said, why? I don't understand. I'm losing my breasts. And I probably can't breastfeed, but why a fertility clinic? I'm like, well, you're most likely going to have

chemotherapy. And your chemotherapy most likely will render you infertile due to your age, due to your type of cancer. And we really want to protect your fertility. So the first thing my surgeon said after deciding on a double mastectomy for myself, looked at me and James in the office and goes, you guys are in love. Do you want to have kids? So nice so you got someone else to ask him. I know, I know. And no, and then that was a very easy yes. So the second day, I go to this fertility clinic with James, you know, just my boyfriend James. And we both sat in these big club chairs and the doctor looked at us and he said, do you want to freeze your eggs or do you want to freeze embryos? Because embryos are more successful, right?

They have a greater chance. I should say they have a greater chance of becoming a live birth. Right. And because you only have a round or two, I ended up doing two, and you may not have another chance, you know. And so I just, my jaw dropped because at that point that week had crushed me. And I'm like, oh, my God, please, James, please don't ghost me right now. Like, please. And I looked at him and he just without a second thought goes embryos.

Oh, wow. So I start sobbing. Amazing. Yeah. I mean, and then, of course, like in the week later, I'm like, Are you sure? You know, you don't, you know, like do some eggs, some embryos? Right.

Is that an option? Is that? Yeah. Okay. It was. Well, you get the eggs and then you can fertilize however many want it. But you didn't keep any of your own. It was like you guys were all in it together.

All in together. Yeah. I love that. I know. It was such a romantic. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, you don't think this is how you're going to build your family at this moment.

You're like, oh, I thought we'd do it the really romantic old-fashioned way. Like a diamond ring kind of, but yeah, let's go embryos. Yeah. We made. We made that we made one. We froze one embryo. And can I just ask you like a medical question? Yeah.

Why does the chemotherapy, like what happens with, with the egg quality with chemotherapy? Yeah. So some chemotherapies are stronger than others, right? And they give us shots to kind of effectively shut down our ovaries during chemotherapy to protect the eggs. Right. So basically it just kind of shuts them down. And in the hopes that you will. your fertility will come back or, you know, it always affects the egg quality in some way, shape,

or form. It does. Okay. It does. And like I said, with my particular age and my particular, I had ACT chemo, which is like the red devil, they call it. It's pretty gnarly. Okay.

Yeah, so not everybody's story is the same, but you do the IVF to simply as an insurance policy. Right. So that whatever is to happen, you don't have to worry about as, or worry less about what's happening in that arena. And without spoiler alert and skipping ahead, you know, my, my, it did blew through my body. Like it just lit my, you know, nothing left. Yeah, a year later, they check. Yeah. I'm so sorry that you had to go through all that. That, that, the, the fertility component is, I don't think what enough women speak about in the breast cancer experience. Because, you know, we know, we know what happens when you get breast cancer, right? We know you'll lose your hair if you

know, cold cap, you probably have, you know, you'll have a reconstruction on your breasts and you'll probably do radiation. But they don't talk about the fact that the treatment affects your fertility. And then the treatment that I have to endure for another 10 years that goes on was I wasn't able to carry my baby. So we had a surrogate. Right. So there's all these different sort of intricacies in this world that until you get into it. And now we're speaking about it more. And I'm educating a lot of women who are heading into this journey, I hope, on how that works. I had the thought initially of like that they came to you. If this was me, I wouldn't be thinking fertility.

Like they came to you right away and were like fertility. If they didn't, you might be like, you just don't think about it until they. So I guess that, you know, in some way, it's nice that this is getting out there. So if women can ask about it and, you know, if they're not being approached around that, that's. It's the amount of women that contact me through my social media. We say it's the worst club best members because, you know, we're here for each other. And that tell me that their doctors said it would be dangerous to do IVF because it would be introducing more hormones in their body and a lot of breast cancers. It's not true.

It's not true. Categorically untrue. Really? So many studies. Oh, yeah. It's absolutely safe. I have a friend going through that right now with the report. But she's being told.

It's not. They give you medications to mitigate that during IVF. And so, you know, if there's time, you know, usually your doctor will say, is it, can we, do we have time to do it? But the actual IVF itself. Yeah. And usually more often than not, there's always time. So I think having these doctors now make it, is this woman of childbearing age? Has she finished her family planning yet?

And then that's like the second question they're asking. Because if I went through what I was. I went through and then lost that dream of being able to try for my own baby. Right. It makes me cry every time I think about it. Like I would have, that got me through. My little frozen embryo. Right.

It's like that's your hope for the future. Yeah. For like after all this. Yeah. It was. We have my son's, I'll spoiler alert now. My son's name is Chance because he was my chance to be a mom. And then we froze one female embryo that was not genetically normal.

So they had to discard it, but her name was Hope. So we named them. I know you're not supposed to name embryos because personhood and whatever, but we did. No, that's your thing. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So you did the first round, the first round you didn't get any?

First round made chance. Fro's a little guy. You know, the doctor's like, do you want to know? And I'm like, and I had my surgical drain still in from my double mastectomy doing the shots. Oh, wow. This must have been physically grueling on our body, I'm sure. Narnly. Another level.

Yeah. Yeah. Wild. So we made chance. Put him in the freezer. Did the second round. And then we had a female embryo that I'll never forget I got the call that we really wanted a girl. Like two, you know, we wanted like to have just, and more than one, because our first embryo was fair quality.

And I know that you probably know about the embryo grading. Right. They didn't tell me the statistics of him making it, like, you know, the percentage that chance would work. But it was 20%. So. Yeah. Like from what you like researched online. No, no. And he told me after the fact, years later.

Now, when I was holding my baby in my arms, my doctor told me, thank God, I bless him, bless that man. He just was like, we would like to have some more. Let's try another. But they called to tell me that the female embryo was not genetically normal right before I went into a round of chemo. So I'm just like heartbroken. And then the chemo leaked in my arm that day. And I'm like, oh, God. So, you know, like hit after hit.

After hit, but we had one. We had one little guy frozen in Midtown, and that was, he was my shining, like. My shining embryo that got me through. So after this, you do, like, then you do like the full. Yeah. Chemotherapy, eight rounds, 28 rounds of radiation. Wow. And then that's called active treatment.

And then I was done. So we started this journey when I got diagnosed September 1st of 2020, and I was finished with active treatment, April 23rd. 2021. Yeah, it's a marathon, not a sprint for sure. And, you know, and then what happens next, right? How do we get this baby here? Yeah. Well, were you like, were you kind of like the whole time thinking like, well, as soon as this is done, I'm going to like work on that? Or was that kind of in the back, just not even in your thought process because you're working on getting yourself healthy and no. No, I think that because there was the question of, and I missed a big part of the story. When I was bald, mid-kemo, my husband proposed to me. Oh, my God.

friend at the time. James, he proposed me, took me to Blue Hill Stone Barn. He blindfolded me. Good spot. Good spot. Good. I know. It's so good. He got like a private barn. But he, no, you must. It's amazing. But I had on a giant turban because I was bald. I had on a mask because it was COVID. And then he blindfolded me and he gave me a champagne with a picture of my engagement night. Oh, my gosh. And he, you know, he brought me into the thing and we had this great dinner. And then, of course, he came, you know, came in with a ring. And I said, I was like, did you ever think you would propose to a bald lady when you were a little kid? Was that your dream?

He goes, will you say yes? And I said, yeah. Oh, that is amazing. I mean, that's such a more romantic story than like anything else I heard. Yeah. It was. Again, I would wish none of this happened. But the way it all unfolded, there was so much joy that I, and in love that I felt during the worst thing that's ever happened to me.

Right. And so, you know, I think it's really a, many. miracles happen to get me to sit here today where my life is. But yeah, no, having the baby, having chance, I spoke to this kid every day because I had to know if it was going to work, right? Like he was our one chance for a genetic baby. So after treatment's done, when you wait a year, and you go back to the fertility clinic and they look to see if anything is left. And they did the ultrasound. And it was, you know, usually like your little egg follicles look like chocolate chip cookies. I say they look like two little chocolate cookies. There was no.

chips and my cookies. Right. Okay. So there's nothing, nothing there. And that might have been one of the hardest days of the whole process is like realizing like this journey is done. Like there's nothing. And so they, they, they said, you know, there's no point in doing any more IVF. Because that's an option if you have anything left. And feeling probably like the pressure on, on chance at that point. Yeah. That's a lot. It's a lot to put into it, going into it, I'm sure. Grief of your, you know, grief of your maidenhood. Grief of. Grief of of, so they remove my ovaries because I have a genetic mutation. So once we realized that that is over, I got my ovaries removed.

And then it was like, is chance going to make it? And I'm, so the quicker this, the quicker we got down this road, right, the sooner I could then think ahead. Well, if he decides to stay my guardian angel, then, and people are like egg donors and da-da-da, you know, and this. Or is it adoption or, and that was just too big. I had to just... Honestly, I have chills at the idea of, like, all this energy, all this, like, grief and love and all of it. And it's funny because you named him. Like, so we're Jewish and Jewish religion.

There's a lot of, like, superstitious stuff. I know, yeah, yeah. Like, naming the baby. But, like, in this case, I feel like that was... I don't want to speak for you, but I would imagine that there was something powerful about this was your one. one embryo and you named him and you felt him and you had a place to put all that emotional energy. It's really, it's such an incredible story. Thank you. I mean, I think, and I do know the superstitions because you also don't do no baby showers before the first. You know, but I, that naming of him

and then and then like speaking to him, like calling his soul down. Like I would go, I would go to the beach every night at sunset at our house. The same beach I found my breast cancer on. And my therapist was like, just get on your knees and pray. Like, you know, I'm all about universe and I'm a yogi and, you know, you know, like stuff up there. But, you know, I'm not, wasn't a big person. I got to pray a lot, you know, and I would go and I would drop to my knees and I would pray. And he had lived in the sky right by the sunset, where the sun would set is like where in my mind, chance lived.

So I called James, my banker husband, down to the beach one night with me. And I was like, why don't you just talk to Chance? Just talk to him. And James was like, ah. I'm like, try it. So we're sitting there and I'm looking at James and James goes, hey, hey dude, hey little dude. And I was like, James, talk to him.

And James, like, took a breath and he, and I'm like, made me cry. And he was like, I really hope you come. I really hope you come to meet us. And right in that moment, a flash of pink, I shat you not, like in the sky. Out of nowhere. Wow. Went poof. And I looked at James and one tears coming down his face and I was like, it's real.

Talk to the kid and he will come. It's coming. Yeah. You have to. I had to believe. My mantra was, and so it is. And so it is this child is coming because I would have been an alcoholic lunatic for the leading up to the transfer. Right.

And then from the transfer to the two week wait. So you felt like just like in your bones that this was going to work? I had no other choice. And they told you that you couldn't carry him. Right. So going back to, so fertility gone, ovaries gone. And then this is, again, a very nuanced thing with age of the woman type of the breast cancer, how many embryos you have, what quality embryos. So she said, listen, at this point now I'm like 40.

I've never been pregnant. So we don't know. Can you get pregnant? You have one embryo that's fair quality. day seven AC, day seven AC, fair quality embryo, thank you for reminding me of that a million times, doc. And I don't feel comfortable letting you stop. I'm on medication to kind of make sure all the, all the estrogens out of my body.

So my cancer doesn't come back. We want that. That's good. I'm in major menopause, y'all. I'll let you stop this medication in five years. So at 45, right, you could try to transfer this one embryo in your body. in your body or you can get a surrogate. I was like, well, you just kind of made that decision for me.

So we then set about the search for a surrogate, which again, a whole other grieving process. Right. Now I lost my breasts. I lost my ovaries. Now I can never know what it feels like to carry a child. Right. And even just the unknown of even knowing, I mean, it feels like you felt like in your bones that it would work. But also, I'm sure there's a part of you that's like, will it even work with a surrogate?

Well, I have like a genetic child. child that's genetically mine. Giant. I mean, again, I did believe in my bones, and that belief had to be unshakable because there was like a whole, like a back room of just terror. Right.

Like, what happens? I'm either going to have the best day of my life when I find out this works, or it's going to be the worst day of my life. Right. In like a split second. A lot of pressure on the... No pressure, yeah.

No pressure, yeah. Yeah, I mean, on all of them. I can't even imagine what that waiting period is like with the whole... I mean, you know, obviously. Every weight feels like every day feels like a year. But to feel like it's your last or your only shot, I guess, in that way, I'm sure must have added, like, so much pressure to that whole situation. So when you're looking for a surrogate, is there anything that you're looking for, like in particular, like that, like any criteria that you have about your particular, you know, your case or something that you felt would be important to you?

Yeah. So my doctor was very strict, right? He had very strict, I don't know, not specifications. That makes it sound like a... Yeah, he had a very strict list that she needed to check boxes. And, you know, he's Eastern European, like, no nonsense dude. So you were not. And so we got a surrogacy agency that was recommended to us.

And then that becomes like, I'm back on the league again. I'm like dating again. Right. And James and I would get nervous and have these calls, like, with, you know, potential. You get a profile of these amazing angels. Yeah, you do. Like how do you look on paper and say, that seems like the perfect person to carry my baby, you know?

So we had a few interviews. We matched with a surrogate, a young woman who was 21 in Boston. She checked all the boxes. Lovely, lovely girl. Flewered in New York started, you know, all of the medical clearance, all the legal. It takes a while. And it starts to become expensive, right? I mean, surrogacy is $150,000, which is like, we'll cover that.

in a minute. So I was like, oh, this is, she was, she was from where my Hatsupism was born, the same town. Oh, wow. Newburyport. So, like, I was like, oh, this is a sign. And then she ghosted us. What?

She disappeared. After all the tests and all the, after she's better, through an agency? She's like, that's crazy. Disappeared. And the agency goes, well, surrogacy is the wild, wild west. I said, what about the money we spent? Oh, that's crazy. We didn't spend $100.

The agency doesn't, like, pay you back for the West. that if she disappears? No, because we hadn't signed any contracts. So, like, you do all this, and then while you're getting legal together. So she disappears. Wow. The agency says, we haven't heard from her, you know, in a month. And I was like, well, you, I haven't heard from her. And wouldn't you know years later, she calls me. And she says, I'm so sorry, my fiancé, she was engaged. And they had a baby, because you have to have a baby to be a surrogate, or have to have given birth. She said, he left me. And I couldn't. do it and I was too afraid to tell you. And so I was like, wow, well, that was, you know,

thank you for finally telling me. He was 21 years old, you know, like, I mean, that's, like, that's a heavy thing. Yeah. But almost in a way of blessing, because if you don't really have the communication skills to, like, say, I can't, I don't feel like I can do this. Like, yeah, that's like a, that's a pretty, you know, you have to have a pretty strong communication bond to someone who's going to be carrying your child. Oh, 100%. And then wouldn't you know that the agency said, okay, we've got to start from square one again. And they said, but we have this one wonderful woman that I think is getting ghosted by her couple. Right? So you got ghosted and her name is Whitney. And let me see if this couple they were in London. Sure enough, they're like, yeah, this isn't, we're not ready to do this yet.

So Whitney, uncoupled, unmatch. Okay. We unmatch. She's from Richmond. We flew up to meet her. And she's this gorgeous angel of a woman. Oh, hilarious, funny, like had great fat. We got Mexican food. We had a margarita. And I was like, are we going to do this? And we matched with Whitney and she became the angel that brought our son here. Oh my gosh. You did not need that extra little road bump of the ghosting. Oh, and then the doctor did not approve Whitney, though. She did not check all the boxes. What was wrong? She had had multiple miscarriages, but early on, young, you know, had healthy, two healthy pregnancies. After that, yeah. She had two miscarriages and he was only okay with one right and i knew it's another thing i'm like in my soul i was

like i think this is the person push for her this is like the woman for this is the woman this is the one she is she is going to bring chance here so then i got a second opinion at a friend's fertility clinic the friend is my the doctor was my friend so i went to her and and and she said listen it's not going to be the surrogate if this thing doesn't work it's going to be your embryo right right this woman looks great go for it right he wants a unicorn yeah you know Well, he wants so that he also probably wants that so that he can tell you he did, you know, everything. And if God forbid it didn't work, that we did everything we could do. So I overrode him.

Okay. And I said, I'm going to go, we're going to go with Whitney. Right. So your second time kind of like saying like thank you to the doctor, but you have a, you know what's going on. Like you have a better sense of what's right for you. Can I ask, did your insurance cover like the IVF portion of that? we're going to talk about the surrogacy costs, which is like a whole other. So at that point, insurance for onco fertility patients, so if, you know, patients who are going

through cancer treatment, New York State passed a law that they needed to cover IVF, which is a huge, huge deal. There's amazing nonprofits called. I don't know if you've heard of the Chick Mission. Okay. They pay for IVF rounds for cancer patients. They had been in existence before this law was passed. Also, Lance Armstrong has a live strong.

like a subsidiary of that that also helps. But yeah, so when I went through. Yeah. Yeah. So they cover it in New York State. Every state is different. You do still have to pay for the meds and the anesthesia and stuff. But the bulk of things was covered, which it was a huge weight off of.

Imagine. Like you're like, oh, I just got a cancer diagnosed. This can't afford to preserve my fertility. Right. Yeah. It's crazy the idea of dealing with like the financial stuff on top of like, you wouldn't even, that probably wouldn't even cross someone's mind in the beginning, but it's such a huge part of it. Like, and the fact that it has to be is like so. Yeah. Heart-breaking. I know.

You're like really. And you said you already, I mean, just getting your early sonogram in the beginning was crazy. I said, like, how many women walked up to that door at that private radiology firm and heard we don't take insurance and then walked away? Right? Like, because they didn't have a, they didn't have a choice. You know, I mean, it's wild. We all know that there's, you know, so much in, in the medical world that is truly unfair to those that, you know, have more. So you decide to move forward with Whitney. And what years are we in now? Oh, yeah, where are we?

Okay, what year are we in? Met Whitney October 22. And then the transfer was April of 23. It was on Easter weekend or the day after Easter. And so she does the transfer. I'm sure you're having some crazy agonizing lead up to this like pregnancy test. Like I was a mess. Like I said, there's not enough chardonnay in the world.

that could have supported that weight. Yeah. I mean, we did the transfer, we had a weekend, we took her to like this fun, I think it with like bag of towel or something before the transfer. Like she was like, this is great. Yeah. 10 out of 10 New York. Yeah, the two-week wait was the longest. I did a lot of yoga.

Like I said, I'm not going to lie here. I drank a lot of wine. I did a lot of praying again, a lot of crying, and a lot of just waiting. They were doing a documentary on the, they called. called it the wait, this NYU. Okay. These two kids from NYU. And so they were following us around with cameras.

Oh, wow. So they like went to transfer day. And we have it. You guys, anyone listening, you can watch the wait. So are you, you're like open during this whole process about like every step of it. Like you're telling, you know, every, like you're open to telling everyone about the whole thing. Yeah. And like the nights where like my husband, you know, he was obviously going through it in a very

different way in processing those emotions. And, you know, like I was all over the map. And I'm like newly in menopause too. So my emotions were like, wow. So that and then you're probably still dealing with like checkups and oncologists and cancer. And oh my gosh, this is like a lot. So I was open. I was like, I threw a plate of food at my husband's head last night because he made me mad.

And I'm just like, we just need to get to this answer. Is this going to work? Right. Did this transfer work? Yeah. So the film crew was in our apartment when we got the phone call. Oh, wow. So you have the reaction.

It went viral. I think it had like 10 million views or something. It's pretty, it makes me cry every time I watch it still. And because it was a surreal, I mean, I'm like, I was shaking, holding the phone. And the guy that we were working with at the surrogacy agency was the one that called us to tell us the news. And he just, and when you watch a video, you'll see, he was just like, and Siri came on. I was like, no God, Siri. And I'm like shaking. And the dog is with us and my husband is in like work clothes still and he's like let's just cut to the chase and then I took a breath and he screamed it's positive oh my god and like I a gutter you you've never seen a reaction like it was like all those years leading up to that one moment this worked

finally got a win yeah this worked like she's she's pregnant you know and so that was like the I mean it was insane that was the pregnancy like smooth Yeah, when she's pregnant, then how many, you know, we know how many, like, moments there are. They're like holding your breath. Right. Like, is this, is it going to be, is it going to stick? Is it going to be, right? Yes.

Is it going to, that's number one. She's pregnant. Great. Is she going to stay pregnant? Yes. Are you going to stay on the ultrasound? Yes. Right.

Is there a heartbeat? Yes. Is the anatomy scan normal? You know, so I would go to Richmond and I would go to some appointments with her and the ones I couldn't go to, we would face time. Right. And so you still have all those little. As anyone who's ever been pregnant knows,

you do hold your breath a little through those moments. And even harder because I'm not there. Right. She's carrying the most precious thing in the world. So much trust. Did you feel like you had to balance like you got to contact her whenever you want? Like, hey, how's it going? And did you feel like I don't want to be stalker,

but I want to be able to like, but also tell me everything all the time? Such a good question. And this is like really important for anyone that's listening to because I also talk to a lot of women, I lead a lot of women through this process now. That's like a sort of I'm there for them as a resource. You have to put your trust in whoever you match with to do this. You just have to.

And if you're a naturally controlling person, it's even more difficult for you. I had to say, okay, Whitney, like, you know, people are like, does she eat organic? I'm like probably not no, because I just watched her put ranch on her pizza crust at raised pizza in New York, you know, and there's some sausage on there.

Like, you know what? If she doesn't eat organic, my baby's going to be fun. Yes. Right. Right. What's the most important thing is she's going to carry this child with, like, with love and with,

I mean, this beautiful, warm energy. And she is a laid, she's as laid back as they come. Girlfriend sleeps like 15 hours a day, which is great. Yes. I'm like, you sleep. You know? But you do, you have to let go of control.

Because if you're wondering every single day, like what's she doing? And there were some moments. I'm like Whitney, you know, she's like eight and a half months pregnant. I'm like, maybe we don't do an eight hour overnight car ride to like a water park with your two kids right now. Like, let's not do that. Right.

Yeah. There's a limit. Yeah. There's a limit. But you have, you just have to like, you have to let go of control. You'll drive yourself bonkers. Yeah. Was there a point where you were able to relax a little?

Like I know you said it's kind of like the scan and then. the heartbeat and then the anatomy skin. Was there a moment where you were like, okay, I think this is happening. And you were able to chill? I don't know there was a definitive moment, right? Like I don't, there's no crystallized like, oh yeah, okay. Baby's coming.

Yeah. But I did, I did start to, you know, the longer, the pregnancy went on and the more. And then when we went to Richmond for the first time that she was showing, like it was in the summer. So she got pregnant right after Easter. We went to Richmond. I want to say July or August for the big, it's like the 20 week. We went for that.

And to feel him in her belly. And like the first time he ever, like, kicked into my hand. And he kicked when I, when I talked to him on a kayak. And, like, it just was the most beautiful moment. And then I'm like, oh, my God, my baby's going to come. Like, finally. Like, this kid's going to be a lot. Right.

Energy exchange. Like, you had been talking to the sunset. Yeah. And now you're feeling like him in there. I was just, it was. And again, I have, like, I have a clip of. that too and I can go back and I'm like it just it feels like you're watching it someone else's movie at this point. Surreal I'm sure yeah yeah now kids got long wild hairs running around naked

screaming just like we talked about before you know and this morning he was like bubbles so yeah so what is the when the birth situation must have been like even I'm sure more like spiritual or energetic I'm sure there's something there you would I would we would wish that it was a spiritual, I'm interject. No, it was. But it was also, as the rest of the story goes, you know, a lot of hospitals aren't used to surrogate births yet. They call them third-party births. So the hospital that we went to is an incredible hospital in Richmond medically, but they were not very familiar with surrogacy as a whole. The births that they had experienced, which I found out later, were ones where the intended parents, which is what they call the

parents, the genetic parents of the child, would just show. show up, take the baby and roll. One didn't even let her hold the baby. One couple. I heard these stories later, right? So we're already entering into, they're like, you can't film any of it in the, in the labor and delivery room. And I'm like, why? It's my baby being born. They're like, well, you can't, you can't, you can't, you can't. If it was my own, if it was me, my husband would be on that, you know? So they were, they were having these like very strange reactions to, to, because they had already had preconceived notions of what it would look like, right? So we get there.

We moved to Richmond because she was having all these kind of like false labors. Okay. And instead of getting woken up at like 2 a.m. And we're in the Hampton's house being like, I gotta get to Richmond. Yeah, right. We got an Airbnb, showed up. And about a week later, and then like Whitney, we were doing all these fun things like curb walking and going to have spicy food. Yeah.

Because my baby was big. Like he was, and she's petite. Yeah. Right, yeah. She's petite. A nice big baby. Yes. And so she was like, let's get this thing going, you know.

And she ended up within the week we went down there, 37 weeks, started getting really itchy. And I remember she called me and she's like, girl, I'm real itchy. I'm at, you know, I'm at the CVS getting some Benadryl. And I was like, how itchy? She's like, it's bad. So I remember, so I googled like itchy pregnancy. And literally it just said call hospital right away. Oh, gosh.

So I called the hospital. at all. And they're like, you need to come in. And so she had colostasis, which a lot of doctors don't. What's that? Right. No one knew. They never said, don't, you know, if you're itchy, Whitney, say something. The baby was so big, he was pressing on her liver. And the liver wasn't processing bile. So the liver can then, like, poison the baby and then, you know, the birth mom. So it was like, we went there on a Saturday. And we're in this hospital, which we already know, they're not like thrilled with us being there. And we have to make a plan.

Does Whitney, we have to induce or do a C-section. And then Whitney's like terrified of a C-section. But the baby's so big that the doctor's like, listen, Whitney, like we can try to, oh, and he was breach and transverse. Oh, okay. So we've got to flip this kid. Right. Then induce. And his head is so big.

My kid's head is off the charts that we may have to do a C-section anyway. So then Whitney has to make this choice. and I can't I can't make the choice right because it's it's she's birthing yeah she's birthing my child now did I know what I wanted yes please just do the C section right but it's not a just a C section it's a huge surgery so she looked at me and you know could see she's terrified and I just held her hand she's like what do you think I should do she calls me queen B because her last name's Bentley and I love Beyonce and she's like queen B and I'm like I Whitney it's your choice but I I think it would be easier on everybody, you know, without, like, because it's going to be gnarly if they try to flip this kid.

And that was late. Yeah. How many weeks is she at this point? 37 weeks. He's 10 pounds at this point. 37 weeks. That's late and big to try to flip, I would assume. Yeah.

She's like, it's going to take three people, you know, to try to flip him. Try to flip him. It's going to be painful and we're probably going to give him up a dress. So all this, so Whitney made the decision to do the C-section. and she stayed in the hospital that night and we went home and went the next morning and we had a scheduled C-section at 9 a.m. And her pastor, she's deep, deep faith.

I love Pastor Vernon. He actually baptized our kid later on. She went in. I got to sit with her during the surgery and Pastor Vernon was preaching in her ear. And they put the curtain up and it's, but I'm watching Whitney sobbing because she's so terrified.

because like I don't know like I mean a C-section is a crazy thing to watch it's crazy it's it's not it's like the table's going you know and I'm just wishing I could take this pain away from her yeah but I'm also so excited that my baby's about to be here and it's like this dichotomy of emotion is happening and you know and our amazing doctor you know said here's your son and big old boy came out screaming and then the niki any baby born you know like I think it's like before the 38 weeks. The NICU team has to come in and just make sure they're okay. But he was like a 10-pound turkey. Did he probably fit on the little NICU?

I'm much bigger than the NICU's used to. Right. So they let us out. James was waiting for me. He couldn't be in the room. Only one person, which was like a whole different fight. And James and I got to be with Chance. And then Whitney's aunt came in while they finished the surgery. And, you know, and so Whitney's aunt got to be with her while we got to be with Chance. And we did skin to skin And he pooped on me Moconium came out real quick

And then we Had about an hour in there And then got to go right into the room Where we got to hand Whitney A chance to Whitney And so the three of us sort of had that moment For the first time of like, okay, we did this, wow And the best part is that I haven't said this in the podcast

But Whitney's Black At her whole family Was coming in like during the day And you know, to see her in the room and they're like, we've come to see the white baby. It was like, wait, it was so funny. Like, we come to see Whitney have that white baby. That's so funny.

You know, the hospital watched us be with Whitney and watched every member of Whitney's family that was in the room. There was five of them. They let them all in, held the baby right away. I'm sorry. And they were like, wait, you guys are in this together. I'm like, how would we not be? You all supported her for nine months.

You're part of the reason why my son is here. We built this tribe. And so we would leave Chance in the room with Whitney. And James and I would go get her food. You know, because we said then we stayed in the hospital for four days with her. And we had a separate room. She had her room. We had a room next to her.

And we slept in the hospital. And, you know, in that hospital, they did, they bring the baby in. So, you know, you do room in with the baby. And then nurses are like, you're just leaving your baby in there with Whitney. I'm like, oh, yes, she birth? Like, of course. Taking care of him for nine months. And so they watched this gorgeous, really.

of like true it takes a village, you know? And there was no, it was no, like, it mean, it wasn't even a second thought. And they're like, wow, we've never seen this in surrogacy before. And it was a really beautiful moment, a teaching moment for that. Yes. To see like how beautiful this experience can be. That is incredible that her whole family came and that is. We've come to see the white baby. Yeah, that is crazy. To close out this episode, let's take a moment to recharge with a segment sponsored by at first response. Every moment of the fertility journey is different for everyone. And we all handle waiting for that positive test in our own way. No matter what you're struggling with on your journey

to conceive, our friends at first response want to help you find some positive in the negative, whatever that looks like for you. You seem so positive. I don't know if that's how it was as you were going through it. But I guess, you know, maybe you could share a little bit about not to ruin the because I'm like glowing from this whole story, from calling his soul down to this tribe, like welcoming this soul into the world. Like I don't want to ruin all that good energy. But I do wonder what some of those tough moments are because you just present as so, like, strong and positive and all that good energy.

Were there moments where it felt like I can't take this anymore? or? Yeah, I mean, and I think that I'm glad you asked that because a lot of, you know, when I speak of my story a lot, there are a lot of miracles that happened, right? So it's easy. You're like, oh, God, you know, it's amazing. And I do talk about a lot of the ways in which I stayed resilient through the whole thing. So I talk about joy mining.

There's joy everywhere, you know, and that's all. And I believe that. I really do because this was four years of my life. So if I would have just been angry and mad and all the time, I would. I would have missed four years of my life, which I was still, you know, having experiences and traveling. So I always lead with that. But yeah, I mean, this was, I still don't know.

Like, I'm working on processing everything that happened because it was so much. Right. You know, I like went to the jungle in Costa Rica last year. And like, but it was. Well, in a way you probably just have to keep, you're like, you're moving the whole time because you're like treating your cancer and doing your embryo freezing and then getting the surrogate, Like, right? There's probably, it's hard for you to have a quiet minute to like even think like,

what's, what do I think of all this? Right, like what just happened? That took, that's been the last probably. Because then the baby came and I'm like, oh my God, I'm a new mom. Now I have to do this. Yeah. I'm like a new mom. I'm not sleeping.

I'm in menopause. What the hell? You know, it's like, I, there were extremely painful moments physically going through breast cancer treatment. I was on the floor screaming, you know. I'd like wake my husband up in the middle of the night. and say like, am I going to die? Like just sheer, like terror on, like from, I mean, a physical, spiritual, emotional place of that.

And so I definitely experienced that. I definitely experienced, I mean, I, the night that I went back to our apartment after I found out that my chocolate chip cookies had no chips, that my ovaries, you know, were a black abyss. They called security in our apartment building because I was wailing so loud that they thought someone was hurting me. Yeah. So like our neighbors thought like,

God forbid, I hope they didn't think James was. Right. I felt all of it. Like I let myself feel it. And to this day, I'm always like when people like, oh, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to make you cry. Like I'm crying again and talking about it. It's because you have to let it all come out.

Right. Yes. Like you have to, I mean, I've done, again, I've done like ecstatic dance. I've done plant medicine. I've done, you know, you name it to try to work through this trauma because it's, it's real, you know? And so I think like you can be all those things at once.

You can, we're such amazing vessels. Like we can hold joy and trauma and terror and all of it. Yes. When you sit, when you talk about that, because I try to get a lot of my patients to do some of that stuff, like wailing and like moving and energy and like allowing emotional energy to express physically. And so on the, I just think it's so beautiful, like you'll drop to your knees and pray to the sky. And that feels like positive and hopeful. But then you're also the same person wailing till security is called with like a very primal guttural like pain. And I think it is important

to allow ourselves to do both of those things to like grieve heavy and to hope heavy. You know, I'm really... Thanks. I think it's embodying, it's being in your body, right? Yes. Because when you get a cancer diagnosis or an infertility journey and you're, you want to divorce your body, you're like, oh, you know, screw your body. Right. How dare you do this to me?

You're not doing what I want you to do. And that's a choice. You can say, like, I'm mad at you body. I'm leaving my body. And then it's just in the head. And then it's just heady, heady, heavy, like it is. But like, when you are like, all right, we're in this. Like, this is what we're doing.

And you stay in your body. Like, every day, I got a. my yoga mat and I would do it naked. There's a very nude theme. You guys are thinking it. I would roll around and I would cry or I would do yoga, but I would like touch my body as it was changing, as my breasts were changing, as my ovaries and my hair fell out. And I was like puffy from chemo. And I would, I would just embody whatever was going on. Not being afraid of it almost. Yes. Yeah. So that's a conscious choice, I think. And that's like something I talk about a lot. It's like

turning towards it. That's so interesting. Yeah. No, that's such. a good tip. I feel like, you know, I've heard a lot of people give their advice on the journey. I haven't heard anything like that. But I think it's so important, like to even just like really feel it. Because then it's like you said, it's not outside your body. It's not in your head. It's like comes out. And then like all the numbers and all the things and all the things people are telling you like at the end of the day, like if you're grounded in your body, like you can kind of take on anything that comes your way. Right. So then when did you decide to start a chance for life, which is your nonprofit? It was called a damn good life, but apparently corporate America does not love to give money to an organization that has a swear word in it, right?

So we made it a little more family-friendly now, and it made sense. Like, chance is my baby, and I had a chance to bring him here. Thank you, because we could afford it. And I don't know how many families, and it wasn't easy. We, like, couldn't easily afford service. But I thought about, like, okay, there's, what is missing in cancer care? Like what, there's nonprofits for research so important. I'm alive.

You know, there's nonprofits for IVF so important to preserve the fertility. There was no, there was no help for surrogacy at all. So imagine going through all that I went through and I just talked about. And then them being like, okay, you need a surrogate. And then you're like, I can't afford that. Right. So then what happens to your little embryo? Yeah.

I mean, what 150 grand is not like 10 grand. Right. You know. I'd be like, sell yourself on the court. It's like, so that broke my heart to go through all that and then have to have no chance, like no chance. Right. Right. Yeah.

To have the find, like something is feeling like seemingly superficial as like the finances of it all to like hold you back from something this important doesn't seem right. No, it doesn't. And so I set out to change that with two other survivors who were my friends, Annie and Victoria. And the three of us co-founded a chance for life. I googled like how to start a 501c3. None of us had any idea what we were doing. We started throwing events and like filling chip dip ourselves and, you know, and glad handing.

And we set out to a $150,000 grant. So not like a couple little grants, but we want to give a couple like the entire surrogacy journey. Right. And we scrappy, you know, hit the pavement and raised 150 grand. And we gave our first surrogacy grant to a couple in Brooklyn named Rusty and Christina. And they have now gone through four surrogates that didn't work out. Oh, wow. Without a transfer, like a year and a half later. So they're about to have their transfer in like a month. So we're eagerly awaiting will her chance come. Right. I mean, that's so amazing because it's like you really are just giving someone who has like gone through so much already the chance. And you know what it

feels like more than probably anyone like the chance at like having a whole other part of their life, which they maybe thought was completely off limits to them before. It's really incredible. And like when I talk about it and when we, you know, I give speeches at whatever events we do, I'm like, guys, every single person in this room is going to bring a baby here. Like, how often can you say that? Like every single dollar that you're giving,

every single like these little girls make bracelets for us. Like we're all going to be part of bringing this child here. And then they say it takes a village and it does. So it's a really, it's really fulfilling to me to be able to give back in a way to help another family have their dream. That's amazing. That is amazing. And I do think there's something so special about, like you said, having that,

back when he was like a little embryo, having that to like keep you going, that future, like when your body is failing you, yes. So even, you know, obviously, yes, to be able to become a parent. But I think just in that energy exchange that keeps you here, you know, on earth fighting and realizing that there's a beautiful future had as a mom. I mean, I'm just so happy for you that he's here. He's so cool. He's such a cool guy.

I know. My phone's in there. He'll show us after. Yeah. And so where can people like get involved with a chance for life? Where can they find more about you? Where can they learn more about like everything that you're doing in the space? Yeah.

So I like, you know, life is on Instagram right now. So it's just Sarah Strimmel. Bentley on Instagram and on TikTok. And we have a Chance for Life has a website, a chance for life.org. And we also have an Instagram account for a chance for life. Yeah. So you can kind of find out all things on the social media, how to find me and what I'm, you know, where I'm speaking next.

I do a lot of public speaking, a lot of panel stuff. So yeah. So thank you again to First Response, the pregnancy test brand that is there for you, no matter where you are on your journey. When it comes to pregnancy and planning, First Response supports and empowers women along their journeys because every test is more than just a result. Amazing. Well, thank you so much for sharing your story.

I'm sure it's going to inspire so many people who are listening. It's inspiring me. Oh, my gosh. I'm like, floored. This is, and just your energy, honestly, I'm just going to say in your energy, however you've been healing yourself, like, bring it. Like that really, and I'm sure you have your moments. Like, it's not always going to, but again, I feel like you let yourself have those.

moments and not just your journey, but you sharing everything around how you did it and your mindset and like prayer and faith and advocating for yourself, I think is such an important thing too, because I think the more you hear about that, the more you're like, it's okay to trust your body. It's okay to trust your instincts, which it sounds like really brought you to where you are, saved your life and probably brought you your son. It did, yeah. Yeah. I was such a pleasure talking to you guys.

Thank you for listening. Nice to meet you. Hopefully this helps someone that is listening to this. Just keep the faith, keep the joy, and know that there's always a chance. Yes. All right. We'll be back next time on Baby Steps. Betches.