Oversharing - Baby Steps: Which Wife Carries The Baby? Ft. Taylor Strecker

Episode Date: December 15, 2023

This week’s episode of Baby Steps, presented by BetterHelp, is all about having a baby in a lesbian relationship. To help guide us through the process, Jordana is joined by podcast host and radio personality Taylor Strecker. She tells us how she and her wife decided to finally initiate the process of having a baby together, starting with finding the right sperm donor. How much does the sperm bank tell you about the guys you’re choosing from? They also talk about fertility testing, and how you decide which person will carry the baby. Finally, she tells us about the true cost of having a baby, and what’s holding up the process as they get closer to parenthood. Thanks again to our presenting sponsor, BetterHelp! Visit BetterHelp.com/BABYSTEPS today to get 10% off your first month. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hello and welcome to Baby Steps presented by BetterHelp. I'm your host, Jordana Abraham, and on Baby Steps, we're exploring the various paths to parenthood that lay ahead when starting a family doesn't come easy. With the help of weekly guests, I'm taking you on my own fertility journey and asking the questions that need to be asked. Trying to have a baby, especially when you experience obstacles, can be a huge emotional and mental challenge. And that's why I invited BetterHelp to join us as the presenting sponsor of Baby Steps.

If you're thinking of starting therapy, I recommend giving Better Help a try. It's entirely online, convenient, and suited to your schedule. Just go to betterhelp.com slash baby steps today to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, help.com slash baby steps. Therapy can give you the tools to navigate the difficult transitions in life. And the path to parenthood is definitely one of them. My guest today is podcast host Taylor Strucker to talk about trying to conceive in a lesbian relationship. Before we get to Taylor, as always, here's my sister, Dr. Naomi Bernstein.

Welcome back, Naomi. me. Hello. All right. Hi. This episode with Taylor was really, really interesting, really informative. We covered so many topics. But I think one of the most interesting things about Taylor discussing having a baby with her wife, who's also named Taylor, she's also. Oh, that's funny. Very fun. Um, is, uh, the relationship dynamics that could come around fertility and that that can put strain on a relationship and the way that you kind of have to navigate. Um, is, uh, the relationship. that as a couple, no matter what kind of couple you are. So Taylor talks a lot in this episode about how she was not necessarily always particularly interested in having children and that she

married her wife and her wife that was like always something that was really important to her. And she going to talks about going through this process, well, one person is a lot more, I would say both invested in the outcome and wants it a lot more and how to navigate that as a couple. Right. Did that make it easier for them to decide who was going to do, who was going to carry the baby and right, right. Well, she talks about that a little bit too, you know, because she was, I think, always like her wife. Taylor, too. Yeah, Taylor two would carry the baby. But she talks about this kind of feeling that they both got their, you know, checkups to see, just, you know, just to see what their options were. Right. And that her wife actually had a much better chance

of being able to carry the baby than then Taylor herself did. So I think, and it's funny because she talks also about how, even though she didn't really want to carry, just the feeling that you maybe can't or that it'll be harder for you is still like a really disappointing thing. Right. Oh, sounds like a really interesting conversation. I do see this a lot with all sorts of couples. And sometimes it's kind of like, well, we had the conversation before we started dating

seriously about whether we wanted children. But maybe you don't have the conversation about whether you want them badly enough to do IVF or whether you want them, you know, you have one and you don't talk about if you want another or a third or a fourth. I mean, I see a lot of couples come in with that issue where even it sounds to some people like kind of not something that you think would be a, like a big relationship issue, but one wants a third and the other doesn't. And it can cause a lot of problems just in something that seems like not a huge deal. And then it's kind of like even if one, and I mean, I don't want to compare the two, but even when you were talking about, you know, your husband, your kids wanted a second dog.

Yes. And you didn't really want, obviously a dog very different than a child. I think that's very clear. But just the idea of like, is it okay if the other, if you say to one person, if one person says, I really want the kids and I'll take on more of the work associated with that, is it okay to say all right cool I'm not changing diapers do you want to go for it is that cool I don't know yes you probably have to iron out the details of what that means you know like if it means you're going to be completely absent then that might not work out but if it means you're drawing the line like

I don't do diapers and you're kind of like okay I'll do diapers you know totally whatever the exact you know contract details that you can work out probably matters. Yeah. And just like you were saying before about like things like IVF, it's like if I'm sort of on the fence to begin with and then it takes this huge financial toll that IBF does take and, you know, it's mental and it's like physically taxing. But it also is really expensive. And so I think that's another thing that people also have to consider because usually it's not like one partner pays for it for the whole thing. Even if they want it more, that usually doesn't work like in a house. like if the person who wants the house that you bought more doesn't just pay for the whole thing.

Right. So I think it's a really interesting discussion. I think it'll inspire a lot of other couples to kind of talk about all this stuff because it's not always so super clear. There's not always a clear right or wrong answer to a lot of these questions. And it's also interesting to see that this occurs in, you know, gay relationships, heterosexual relationships, all kinds of relationships. There is a lot to work out when you not only are trying to have.

a baby, but are facing obstacles as well. A hundred percent. And I think the biggest takeaway is probably helping inspire people, like you said, to have these conversations because the alternative is you just feel pushed along and end up getting resentful, like the picture that you paint where you're like, okay, I'm paying for this IVF. You're cranky and not feeling well. I have to support you in doing this. then out comes a baby that's a lot of work that I wasn't sure I want like that can build a lot of

resentment. So I think having these conversations ahead of time and digging down and finding out what is important to you about this. What are you afraid of and what are you craving? Right. And I think once you fully understand like both both both what you're getting yourself into, what you're sacrificing and what you're and I think this other part is the really important part like how far you're willing to go. Right. Because those questions are often, I think, very different. I don't even think I've had that conversation with Mike about like, because you know, you could spend, we've heard it on this podcast. You could spend hundreds of thousands of dollars trying to have a baby. That's not, that's not a crazy option that a lot of people have to and need to spend that. And go through that in how many years and how many, you know, how much money are we willing to do this? And I think it, even if you're not on the exact same page, it's nice to at least know, you're somewhat compatible. Right. Close.

Yes. And I do think the other takeaway is creating a safe space as you're going through it for your partner to say, hey, I'm starting to get tired or like, hey, I'm not sure how much longer I can do this or whatever that you can create a safe enough space where you, even though you may have agreed to one thing that, you know, you never know how you're going to feel until you get there. So that's a really important thing for couples to realize is we need to be able to talk about this. And you might get triggered at the initial, you know, like if Mike came to tomorrow and said, look, I'm getting tired of this. Like maybe we should just give up. I'm sure you'd get like a

nauseous, like upset feeling in your stomach and kind of want to be like what are like and shut down and get angry. But I think you'd have to be like, okay, what are you afraid of? What's bothering you? spill. Right. To be able to have those conversations in like a really non-judgmental open way. So I hope you guys like this episode. It's really great. It's really informative. And Taylor always keeps it real, which is what I love about her. So we'll get right into it. Here we are with Taylor Strecker, the host of Taste of Taylor podcast. She's been on You Up, one of my favorite guests. I just feel like you have the gift of Gab. Thank you so much. Like you just. You just I think it's so incredible.

Like, whenever I sit down with you, I feel like we've been best friends forever. Like, thank you. We haven't spoken in a very long time. It doesn't matter. You know what I mean? That's my M. I like to pick up right where you're left off. You know what I mean?

There's like my favorite kind of people. I hate like, I have to like see somebody like all the time in order for it to like be like normal and amicable and friendly. You know what I mean? That's like not the vibe. The vibe is like I haven't seen you in literally 15 years and like we're best friends again. Hello.

Yes. Yes. And speaking of the last time I saw you, I feel like when you were on you up, at least the first time. Yeah. You were talking about how you were in this new relationship. Lesbians. Yes.

Yes. I'm a late in life lesbian. I am. Can you tell us a little bit more about that? Yeah, of course. So I like identified a straight my entire life. It didn't even occur to me like that that was an option. I don't know.

Am I a lesbian? Am I bisexual? My pansexual? Maybe like none and then all of them combined together. I don't really know. I'm not like subscribing to a label. But like I am now in a marriage to a woman. So I get like, call me a lesbian.

You know what I mean? I don't care. You're in a lesbian relationship. Well, you're in a lesbian marriage. Yeah, we're married and we've been together now for like nine years. Wow. Which is insane. And it happened. Oh, so you weren't just dating when I, maybe. Was I not? I don't know. I got in my outing myself. My secret love affair. I will say maybe, you know what, I keep like going up because it makes me like I want to get to the 10 year mark and be like, like, we've been together for 10 years. So you can do a vow renewal. Realistically, it's probably like eight and a half, but like, you know, she likes to surround up. I like just like solidify our love. but I was married to a man. I call him husband for...

We were together for eight years, married for five, almost. And shortly after our... Well, separation, because it took a while to get divorced. He was on dating sites and I was falling in love with my lesbian best friend.

Wow. I know. And I literally saw it coming out of nowhere. I've never been attracted to women. I kissed a friend in college once for Pita Pit. And that was for food. Pita Pitt is great.

And it was not sexual whatsoever. It was like for the boys to be like, I mean, in retrospect, it's like very me too and creepy for the guys to be like, kids, four, p to pit, but like those are the times, you know, and I was poor. So you fell in love with Taylor more than, like the person rather than having strong feelings towards women your whole life. Girl, when I got a divorce, I was like, I'm finding another rich dude.

Like, that was the plan. You know what I mean? Well, can I ask, so when you were, you said you were married for five years? Yeah, five years. I'm almost. Just shy. Were you thinking about having kids at that point? I was raised from a very traditional family.

He was pretty traditional to. I now, in retrospect, realized why we got together. because we were like both, I think, trying to break out of like the same like dynamics of like family and friends, if that makes sense. Okay. And but like I feel like I just grew in a different direction and, you know, here we are no longer together. But yes, I think that we both were like, and when I say similar families, I think our families

expected us to like be good, get married, you know, like check all the boxes. It kind of just felt like you were riding the train just doing that, right? He was the breadwinner. Yes, I had a job. but it was kind of like a hobby, which is insane because I had a show on serious XM radio. But like it was very like a traditional vibe. So even though we weren't like constantly talking about having kids, kids were definitely implied heavily. Yes, absolutely.

And I will say that like if you've listened to me, you've heard the story a million times, I'll really abbreviate it for people. We definitely spent a lot of time fighting the second we said I do. You know, like I actually tried to postpone the wedding before I even walked down the aisle. So like I already knew that something was off. I didn't know that I was a lesbian. but I knew that I didn't get along with his family and they didn't get along with me and that's, I mean, there's lots of people that don't get along with their in-laws.

But like, you know, if you can overcome it, bless and believe. But it's not an easy thing, especially like they live very close. We were like really much enmeshed each other's lives. So it was tense. Very. And so we were spending so much time and energy on dealing with that day to day. I think we kind of were able to skirt the pressure of kids because it was like every like month it was like a new fight with the family and like, I'm in therapy.

He's in therapy. Everybody's in therapy trying to like sort this. out. So I think that that was a major distraction from like crazy pressure having kids. And also because things were so difficult with, you know, the dynamics and of course it affects your marriage. Right. I guess I didn't feel like if there was pressure for kids, I didn't give a shit, which is very unlike me. I'm a people pleaser. But I think for me it was like, well, I don't care if that's what you want because you're not even talking to me over this family dinner. So like, I don't care if you're mad that I'm not having a baby. I'm mad at you for ignoring me on Thanksgiving, you know? So you had bigger issues

than that. Bigger issues. And I also felt like I'm proud of myself because I, well, I had a lot of friends that were like, get pregnant. Because if you have the first grandchild, they'll love you forever. And I have sex everything. Sense enough to know that. Maybe that worked in some scenarios, but not all scenarios.

So I mean, listen, I took a lot of plan B. Okay. Okay. Oh, so you were actively, okay. So you were actively trying to not get pregnant. And I know people were like, it's called birth control. Trust me, I was on and off birth control too. But like, I mean, when I take a lot, like, I took it like maybe like twice.

Well, you were serious. about not wanting a baby at that point. And I remember like we like did a lot of like half asleep sex. Hot. As you do. Not hot. And I remember like in the morning being like no. Because like we were, you know, we like to go to the club and drink and. And so I would, I like remember going home more than once to visit. My parents were very Catholic. And I was like, oh, we had sex last night. I'm scared I'm going to get pregnant. And my parents like, we'll drive to CVS if you want to get plan B. So things I shouldn't say. But I do. But yeah, so that's so yeah, I was actively trying to not get pregnant. Okay. And it seems like part of that reason was because the relationship was like on the rock. Totally. Yeah. Yeah. But did you kind of think that you would always want kids at some point? Again, yes. Traditional family, Catholic upbringing. So it's like, yeah, that's what you do. You have kids. Right. So you get divorced. We get divorced. And then I fall in love with my best friend Taylor, Taylor, Taylor, the gayest thing ever.

And she, good God. I thought I married a lesbian. I married a lesbian. I married to someone. straight man she's crazy between the sports and like the she's the most traditional lesbian i've ever met my entire life it's honestly annoying and she is gung fucking hell about having kids and like she like was put on this earth to be a mother she's really good with kids right she nannied for years actually when we met she was nannying and um we have tons of nieces and nephews on her side of the family and um it's like an absolute it's a non-negotiable with her right you have and then how How did you feel about that? I think in the beginning of our relationship, we are going through so much stuff that I was like,

yeah, yeah, yeah, push it off, push it off. Like, you know, like it was like, first it's like me coming out. First, it's me getting an actual divorce. Then it's me coming out. Then it's my parents getting on board with it, you know. And I mean, we were together like six years before we got engaged or maybe it was married, but like a long time, you know. Right.

So it's like, well, if she's so traditional, we're not going to have kids until we're married. So I kind of just kept buying myself time. And then there was like just stuff that happened in her family. Like, you know, there's life that happens and distractions. So I just kind of kept being like, I mean, I'm the older one. So if anyone's going to freak out about it, it would be me biological clock ticking wise. Right. And I was just like maybe thought she would forget.

Were you a little take it or leave it? Like with kids? I was leave it. You were not into it. I mean, I didn't. I was just so fixated on like my family coming around and supporting the relationship. It was like, I just want to get married. someday. And I was even at a point to where I was like, maybe we won't get married. I've been married

before. Like, it's okay if we don't get married. Like, all I knew is I wanted to be with her and that's all that mattered. Right. And she seemed like she wanted the more traditional marriage kids. And she pushed for the engagement, which I was fine with. And she pushed for the marriage, which again, I was fine with. I think after a divorce, you kind of have a little bit of healthy fear. But again, I'm like so madly in love with her. So it was like, yeah, let's get married. But, you know, I'm sure a lot of men can relate to this. But it was like the second we were fucking married. It was like, where are the kids? I was like, oh my God. If I had known, I would have waited longer. You think that you're done being nagged once you agree to the wedding.

No, the nagging has only just begun. As it's done. It's a trick to get you to have kids. I now realize in hindsight. Of course. Yeah. Yeah. So we're in this and we're actively doing it. And so you got married, so you've been married how long now? So we've been married for two years. Okay. Over a little over two years. And then how did the conversation about like how the way you wanted to start family kind of go. She was just like after the wedding, like, so she is, God, 36 this November, like soon. Okay. So she was like, well, you know, we have to kind of get like cracking on this whole thing.

And God, I feel like I blacked out during it. Like, I don't really remember how she like Jedi mind tricked me into doing it. But like, I knew it was a thing. And I knew that like agreeing to Mary Taylor was agreeing to have a family. Like I just, I knew it. And I always say this. I love Taylor. on a hue more than I love not having kids but man do I love not having kids so are you a little nervous

going into it because of that okay terrified girl I'm so scared I'm like if my friend was married to a man that spoke like me I'd be like he's a piece of shit and get rid of him and I am I am the horrible guy in the scenario does she like want you to be more excited or she doesn't care she just wants the baby I'm pretty pretty sure like once she gets the baby she's not even care if I'm around anymore or not well I'm sure she'll be like once I have it she'll get on board. That's what she's hoping. Once you see the baby, right, you'll fall in love. And I'm trying to, I'm kicking and screaming because I'm a brat and I'm selfish and I don't like to share. That's what my therapist told me. Like, you know how the therapist usually like leads you towards the answer? Yeah. My therapist is like straight up. You're not getting the hit. And I was like,

oh my God. And like my wife is my favorite thing in the world. Right. Like she's my best friend. She's my partner. She's my like world. And I'm going to have to share her with something that's going to take all my money? Like, what the hell? That's stressful. This is a racket. Right. So anyway, I'm, I'm being honest. I love the honesty. I think it, no, I think it's really refreshing because a lot of people might feel like, you know, that's not the PC thing to say, but I think it's great. So I'm really scared. But like, like I said, I love her more than I love not having kids. And if she didn't have children, she would feel robbed or at least like, and listen, you never know how things are going to shake out. So like my biggest fear is that we have a really hard time having kids. And

she like hates me because of all this rhetoric. But like I just have to be honest. You know what I'm saying? Resents you for like. Or like we'll think that I'm happy when she's sad. Because like that and that would be like the worst case. Niro because I mean I wouldn't be I wouldn't blame her for like thinking that. Right.

The shit that I'm saying right now. And I say this to her face. Like it's not a secret. A baby steps exclusive. Literally. So you've agreed. I've agreed. Right.

We're doing it. And then what is that? What is the next step there? So step one was. sperm donor. So we had to kind of go back and forth for a while on like she was like I really want to do this like by the time I'm 35 for like listen yeah people are like Jada Jackson a baby 55 that's Janet Jackson. It's expensive. It's really expensive. So and like you can do a lot with a lot of money. But you know regular people you kind of have to like look at science. I know it's crazy. So 35 is what she was saying. She really was like focusing on. And the other thing is like you don't know what kind of hoops Janet Jackson had to jump through. Exactly. To get to that. Exactly. And so I just turned 40. Happy birthday. Thank you so much. And so what happened was first with sperm donor, right? We had to do that. So we had to have conversations about like, so what do we want to do? Do we want it to be a friend? Do we want it to be? I nominated my brother for a little bit because I was like. Both of you. Exactly. And I'm like, so now that I'm on board to have a child, I'm going to really put my foot down after one. Okay. And she agreed to that?

Not really, but we were just like pretending it's not happening, which I think a lot of couples probably do, right? Right. You'll see how you feel. Right. That's what I'm begging. That should be like, whoa, this is hard. And I'll be like, let's stop at one. And she's like, yeah, right, bitch.

Like, we're having a million. Is there a discussion around like her taking more of the, doing more of the work around the baby because you're not as gung ho about it? So I joke, but there's a lot of truth and humor that like, let's do 80-20. Like, I'll be the dad. I'm so problematic and sexist right now with like my. male, female roles. We're talking about traditional gender roles. I think that's fine. This isn't everyone. This is what, you know, traditionally. Yes. But in my traditional lesbian relationship, I would

like to be the 20% father that my dad was. And I love my dad. He's the best. But like, you know, and I like for my job, I do travel. And, you know, Stasi and I have been on tour. We're going to probably continue to do more tours. And she was like, oh, God, but like, well, you have a baby. And I was like, that's one of me. Like, let's tour the world. Well, you were never thinking you would carry any No. Right. Okay. So, okay.

So then, so we're like, who's a sperm donor going to be? And I like the idea of my brother, because then it could be 50% or whatever variation, me mixed with her. So that way our child would be like, like, hour hours. Right. Yeah. As close as you could get. And it could like look like me potentially have character.

Because I mean, like, it's wild. It's uncanny how some of her nieces and nephews are spinning images of their aunts and uncles. You know what I mean? So we thought about this. My brother, he was in college at the time. He's now a medical school. And he was very, and very idealistic, you know. Right.

And so I brought up to me. He was like, honestly, that would be like such an honor. And then my dad was like, hold up. Zach is young. He is not in a serious relationship. And this could potentially affect his future partner. Like, and I was like, you know what, dad? You're actually right.

Like, it's not like he's like in a relationship and they're going to get married. The person can okay it. Right. Exactly. And that's like a big thing to have like a son nephew or like a daughter niece. I guess. Would it be like, yeah, where it's biologically, like, your child is biologically his. Although, like, no one has closer DNA to you than your sibling.

Right. But I see what you're saying. But, like, real talk to when Zach first met Taylor, like, he was like, it's not fair. Like, you're a lesbian for one second and you've dated a girl the hotter than anyone I've ever dated. So, like, we don't need that going on. Right. Like, I'm like, drinking too much at Thanksgiving and thinking that they're, like,

fucking in the corner. I'm crazy. You don't want to be jealous. Okay. So we decided to say no on that. Then I have a best friend since kindergarten. he's gay, he's married. We love them so much,

him and his partner. And they generously offered to have actual sex with my wife to get her pregnant that way. And I was like, no, you're off the table. You're off. Bye? No. I'm jealous of everyone. Cost cutting.

And so then we decided to go with the sperm bank. So, you know, it's the best of the options, but I definitely have qualms with it. Like I'm, there's just so much to think about when you go this route. And it's like, Our child, I think that, you know, it's just normal to want to know your entire lineage. Right.

And so, like, we're going to definitely be dealing with things that a lot of our friends and peers don't have to deal with when it comes to, like, you know, the fact that we use a sperm bank, but, like, it is for us the best option. Because Tay also was like, I don't want to, like, talking about being a bad share. She's like, I do not want to have to fuck around with any paternal, you know, like, custody issues whatsoever down the road. Right. And so she's built into the sperm donor contract, I would imagine.

Exactly. Okay. So we work with California Cryobank. They're fabulous. And we are superficial and we picked our sperm donor based on hotness. Can I say that everyone on this show so far who has picked an egg donor or a sperm donor has said the same thing. Okay. Thank God. So I don't think that that's an unpopular opinion. Right. Because link about it, if you didn't have to think about, if you didn't know someone's personality, what are you left with? Right. Right. But the thing is is that like they do interview them so you can listen to them. Oh, really? Which is great. Yes. And like, also they're like, uh, ideologies, like why they donated. It's really nice. Actually, you get a sense of the person and the personality. Do you see just the babies or do you see the adult? So you see their baby pictures and you see their adult pictures too. Ours is holding a football in the adult picture. Yeah. So, um, amazing. Do you get height? We have height. He's like six two, six three, I think. Okay. He's hot. He works in finance. So I said

Rich Jane's baby. Like I'll take it. And what else was it that? Oh, oh. Oh, So good education, good education, but you don't know where they went, you know. Right. But California Cryobank, they basically say that it is harder to get in to like be a sperm donor than it is to get to some top tier schools in the country. Oh, wow. So they like pick like, like, how do you get in? I don't know. Maybe they take like the like sperm SATs.

Right. Whatever. I mean, even if it's just rhetoric, I'll buy. I'll take it. Whatever. Like, you know, I really do. It's like a difficult program to get through. They just don't like any Tom Dick or Harry donate, but intended.

Well, that was, I was kind of leading into my next question is like, are the hotter guys more expensive? You know, I don't know if they're more expensive because we didn't even look at price. We were like, it was like two days before Christmas. And we called our rep and we were like, you better get every file possible for us. We were losing our minds. Squeeze them dry. That's the thing, too. They only can donate so many vials.

So I think legally it's like 15. Really? Yeah. Okay. So everybody's like fighting over the vials. Oh wow. Okay. So we got, by the time... Does he get a say? No. Okay. By the time we got in, I think there was like eight vials left and we scooped them all. I feel kind of guilty. Like I'm like, we took all of us hot sperms. And the crazy thing too is when they do like the embryo implantation, I now learned, they're not like shooting a lot up there. Like they literally take one sperm and put it with one of her eggs. So they're not even like messing around with like when you have a child naturally like what is it? Like how many sperm go and. in every ejaculation, millions? Yeah, a lot. So it's crazy.

So you have these vials that probably have so many. So it's like, we only need one out of that thing. Like, we only need one vinyl. So now I feel guilty. I'm like, should we sell it back to California Cryo Bank? Well, I guess, so you're going to do like in vitro. IBI. Yes, exactly.

So Tate, of course, is like, no, there are vials forever. I'm like, you're an asshole. Like, don't you want to share the love? But that's the thing, too, it's like, well, how many siblings? Like, if you can control the amount of siblings that your child could potentially have that you don't know about. Right. Would you do that?

I don't know. Would you want to spread the love? Do you want to limit their 23 and me? Right. I don't know. This episode of Baby Steps is sponsored by Better Help. It's almost the end of the year. And this time, while it can be exciting, can also be really stressful.

And a lot of people feel a lot of sadness and anxiety about it. And it's not just the stress of finding gifts, but it's also the stress of seeing your family, of it starting to get cold, a little seasonal depression. But adding something new and positive to, your life can counteract some of those feelings. And therapy for me is always something I go to when I'm feeling anxiety or stress around anything, whether it's the holidays, winter, or just like things that are going on in my life that are not going as I planned. I've been to therapy for over eight years now and nothing has helped me quite as much as therapy has overcome whatever obstacles come my way.

If you're thinking of starting therapy, give better help a try. It's entirely online designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. Just feel like that. Just feel like, a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist and switch therapists any time for no additional charge. Find your bright spot this season with BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com slash baby steps today to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, HELP.com slash baby steps. So what made you decide to go the IVF route instead of like a IUI, which is less expensive, right? We were going to do IUI. That was planned because she's young. So like let's do it. I was going to like get a bottle of champagne, light of fire, put roast petals everywhere and take a turn.

turkey based. Oh, you wanted to do it. Okay. And artificially inseminate her. And they were like, you literally can do that. It's like in that movie. Yes. Right? You literally can do that. And then they were like, to warm it first. You can do that. You can do it. I thought that was like a myth. No, it's actually like for real world you can do it. But then they like prefer a doctor do the, you know, squirt. Right. Do the spoo. If you will. Because they probably have technique. Exactly. Okay. So, but like that's the way that we are going to go. And then we went in to get like our levels and they like looked at like our uterite. Yes, plural for uterus. Both of your uterine. Yes, yes. Okay. So they like, why both? Because we wanted the option of potentially caring also when we went to, okay,

so we used California cryobank for sperm, but we went to CCRM is what it's. Yeah. We went to CCRM for fertility. And so we met with the doctor and she said, listen, I was, the way I'm talking to you is the way I was talking to the doctor. And she was like, listen, here's the deal. This happens a lot, same-sex couples and the person that doesn't even want the kids and definitely doesn't want to carry is actually the only uterus that works. Oh. So that and so we have to check you out just to be sure. And you might want to carry. Who knows? Were you hoping that your uterus was not good for carrying? So kind of. Because the uterus doesn't age. You know that, right? Oh, I didn't know that. Yeah. That's why Janet Jackson could have her baby at 55. Oh shit. Well, now I'm going to feel real bad about

myself. So they went to Taze universe and they were like, oh my God. This is the story of life. She's like six feet tall, thin, blonde, gorgeous. And like, it's always like, Taylor, Donnie was perfect and amazing and so special. And so it was her fucking uterus. It was like spectacular. Like heaven. Wonderful. Mine, the doctor was like, good thing you don't want to carry. I was like the fucking upside down from stranger things. There's particles floating in there. It was literally a haunted house. So I like cannot carry. Okay. But the second it was taken away for me, right? I was mad. Oh, were you? I was like, well, what if I wanted to? So that's the thing with this. It really is, you know, thank God I didn't want to carry because I was kind of hurt and I didn't even want to.

I can't imagine the emotional devastation that people go through with this stuff. It's crazy. It's really is. Yeah. It's just like so many things have to align like the perfect storm it feels like to make this thing work. I know. So, okay, so she's going to carry. So she's going to carry.

The uterus is looking great. Yep. So they said, okay, we're going to start you on the shots. So they start her on the shots. She goes through that whole thing. Can I ask the cost? It's astronomer. Michael. So even, you're not even doing IVF at this point. This is just, this is just IUI.

Yeah. Full disclosure, we have a social deal. Okay. And like we, that's why we like do reels and post. And I want to be clear, though, we would have worked California cryobank and CCRM. They're literally the best, the best, even if we didn't have a social deal. But we're lucky enough to get it and listen, when it comes to this kid, are you fucking kidding me? I'm going to do whatever we can. But even with a deal. I think we each had like, we each had credit. So I actually have credit to that I have yet to use. And I might be, transferring it over to her because I don't even know if I want my own biological. And when we get to the embryos, it'll make sense why maybe she should go back in just for an insurance policy. But out of pocket, I think we're at like 20K right now. Oh, wow. And that's with a social deal.

Social deals. Okay. So that's without insurance with a social deal. Yeah. And I mean, I think if it weren't for our social deals, we'd probably be at beyond 50. Wow. It's a lot. Okay. So this is for like, this is including like buying the sperm. Yes, all of it. How much is the sperm? The sperm is like an average like $1,500 a vial. Okay. So much less expensive than eggs, but.

Way less expensive than eggs. But still expensive. But still expensive, especially when you buy eight vials of it. Right, adds up. Right. Yeah. Taylor Donahue. Okay, so that's like half of it.

They need to own all the vials. Is she fucking crazy? So anyway, you know how many Chanel bags? I could have bought it. She wants to keep her options open. I get it. So we went in and when they tested, they said, you have concerning hormone levels to Taylor Donahue. Okay. So we need to do IVF. We need to do it right now. So we were

under a clock for sure. At this point, we did not have our sperm donor yet. So now we're under duress looking for a sperm donor. We were kind of panicked. This is before you got the sperm donor. Yeah. So we found out we had to do IVF and like an ASAP. And you need the sperm to do the IVF obviously. Right. So we were kind of panicking and checking every single day. And then we found it like right before Christmas. It was literally a Christmas miracle. How long once you're like accepted to the sperm bank, would you say you can, like, get the sperm turnaround time? It just depends on how picky you are. You have access to the sperm bank immediately, and every candidate's really, really good.

But the other thing, too, that happens is so you can pick a sperm donor, right? But then they have to test because if you guys, if your sperm donor and the carrier or whoever's going to be donating the egg out of the couple have similar, like genetic disorders. Right. Then you do the genetic testing. Exactly. So, I mean, you could test the sperm. You could get your guy and then be like, it's not going to work.

You know what I mean? But luckily for us, we were good. So they test some of the sperm. Yeah. They combine it with your. Genetic testing for her and for the sperm donor. Yes, absolutely. And same with me too. Yeah, we're both good with him.

Great. So that would have been devastating, you know. So it got a little stressful. But then once we got to go ahead with the genetic testing, it was like, okay, let's do this. So she got the shots and we went through that, which is crazy. But like now I'm on a Zempex. So I'm like, shots, smots. Like, who cares, you know?

But it was like, I've never given someone a shot before. it's kind of crazy and it's so expensive like the shots you have and then you're like at home doing it yourself you're like what is this racket it's like if my doctor was like here's your Botox have fun right you should that's true it should at least come with like

a nurse to do it for you and I'm not shitting on CCR I'm like this is just standard in the industry yeah I don't it's insane when you think about it yeah I was kind of I remember getting my shots and I was like I'm allowed to do this myself like have they seen me drive a car it's just like I I don't know if they saw me

if they saw my hand eye coordination if this would be like approved. So go through the shots. And, you know, they are watching your levels like crazy. So they're like, it's like, it's not a perfect science. So they have to watch your levels. And it's like you can't really travel. You have to be near in case they need you to come in to do like up your shots or just

a million different things. Right. And I mean, you were talking about just the devastation of like the uterus. How did Taylor feel at the time when she was like the hormone when they were like, you need to do IVF so immediately. You're like, I didn't ask. No, classic to her.

She was like. I don't really feel anything. It's like, oh, isn't that just lucky? She's always like, she's always like the like minority percent that like has no side effects of anything. Okay. She's just perfect. So she was mentally cool with it. She was like totally fine. Okay. She didn't really have bloating. Besides I assume the cost. Yeah. Yeah. I imagine it's a lot less expensive. My credit card I put down. I was the one having mental breakdowns over that. Right. We've had a lot of interesting conversations actually about finances in our relationship because of this process too, which is actually a very good thing. Yeah. Because of,

Until now, it's all been separate. So not anymore. We have to like figure this out now. Right. So yeah. So finally her levels were good. And they said it was Super Bowl Sunday and she's like a psychotic Philadelphia sport fan. You said she's a straight guy? Yeah, straight guy. And the Eagles were playing in the Super Bowl. So she was like, I think it's a good sign. So we went in Super Bowl Sunday morning at like 6 o'clock in the morning. Of this past evening.

Yep. To get her eggs retrieved. And we literally like left and we went to her sister or our sister and brother-in-law's house. And like she had like a couple cocktails. Like she was like better than fine. Yeah. Also psycho Eagles fan. Like maybe it was more about that.

Right. Her love of the Eagles drove her to. Right. No rest. But she was. Like she was like cool to move around. Totally good. Totally good.

And then the Eagles lost, which wasn't, you know, the best thing in the world. But I said, what would you rather? Good eggs. Right. Good embryos. Or, and she said, I'll take the baby over the Eagles, which I mean, speaks to her love of, yeah, being a mother. And are you going with her to all the appointments? You got it.

You're like next to her the whole way. Yeah. Absolutely. They're for moral support. Plus they had like a really good water machine there. So like that was real lining with like flavors. The best water in Manhattan. Okay.

So they extracted that day. I think it was like, Jesus, like 16, 18 eggs, which is a lot. Yeah. And then they said, and what we're going to do is we're going to go through the eggs, like, find the ones that we think are like primo. And then we're going to do the sperm implantation. And then we'll see how many embryos we have. Out of like, this is the crazy thing.

Out of like 18 eggs, I think it was like seven were viable for the implantation. Right. Or not implantation, but the sperm. Like the hunger games. Yeah. Seriously. Right. And then, but we were like, oh my God, that's still so many.

Like, we're probably going to have like four. Like, I remember thinking like, oh, my gosh, like we might have like a decision to make about, like, are we going to donate leftover embryos to science or, you know, couples can now adopt embryos, which is incredible. I've seen articles about people like having kids that are technically older than them. Like embryos. Like embryos frozen from like 1990 that people are using now. That's crazy.

Which is nuts. I think it's a really nice thing because I was actually a little bit. worried about a moral dilemma if we had like all of these embryos and we weren't able to use them all like what are we going to do right because it feels weird to like discard your child sort of ish they're conceived technically so yeah but we ended up with seven eggs only having two embryos which is still a lot I feel very lucky there's people listening that probably went through many rounds of Ivy haven't gotten anything yeah so we have two embryos and we know what sex we have okay and you're pleased with the ratio of whatever you have?

Very. Okay. Yes. And to be honest, I really don't care about gender. I really don't. So we basically... And she doesn't either. She doesn't really either, no.

The plan was then like, okay, let's go. Let's get implantation. Like, so she probably extracted, oh, well... And you want one kid. Okay. Well, I am down for one. But she's like, that's fucking crazy. We're not having one child.

So this is going to be where the real battle begins. Or maybe not, right? Because, you know, like, I've statistically, it's like 65% Yeah, but she's got that perfect uterus. Does she ever? If anyone's going to have two from two, it's going to be her. But they basically said that we have very strong chance of having one from those emberos,

but maybe not more. So, like, I was going to go in and I was going to pull my eggs next and go through IVF, but I'm 40. I'm 40. And that's the age where people are like, your chance, like, I'm not being ages. Scientifically, your eggs, just like you have less, period and story. Yeah, that's a biological fact. And I thought, you know what, maybe I will just like pass on.

like what my process I was going to do just to taste. She can just do another round of it because she's only going to be 36 in November. So, I mean, that four years makes a major difference and gives us a better chance. So I have decided that I'm not going to have biological children of my own and that they can all be Tays, however money we have. If it's one, if it's two, if it's three, if it's five and 16, I don't fucking know. But like, so she's going to go back in to get more embryos. Because again, the more embryos you have at a young age, they're frozen in time. It's like, we could wait five.

years and it would still be like she was having a 35 year old. Right. Especially because the uterus doesn't age. Like you said. Mine's been what? Like a ghost town, the Wild Wild West with like fucking dangleberries in the wind. What are those called? Those like, the haystacks? Tammolwee. Yeah. That almost haystacks. We're both very far from the Wild Wild West. God, like since I was what? Like since I was living in my dad's nut sack? Like have I had this horrible uterus my whole life and never knew it? I could have been having so much sex. Unprotected sex. Oh my God. So, yeah.

But this is like, this is real crazy. I'm laying you in my brain. Because tastes are like, I would love a little you, you know? But here's my fear. We have hers first, right? And she has hers. Like, God willing, right? Because I know it's not just like a guarantee.

Right. And then we get my eggs and we have one of mine. I'm going to be so fucking hard on mine compared to hers. Do you know what I mean? Right. Do you feel like there's pressure on yours? Like, like I said, she's like so stunning. and like I had a weight problem my whole life.

Like I'm gonna like be so mean to my kid. Like every my kid is a reflection of me and I hate me. Ergo. Oh, I'm gonna be so mean to my kid. But you're amazing. Thank you. I love you. But like I just,

I'm a crazy person. No, I know what you're saying. It's funny because like I come from a family where my mom has eight kids and she has four kids with her first husband and four kids with my dad. And like anything like we can tell which things are from which parent. Right. And it's sometimes like a little annoying. I totally get what you're saying.

But the difference here is is that like, at least your mom is still 50% in all of you. Right. Whereas this is like, 50% is a total donor in both the kids. That's the genetic connection. Good point. Yeah.

And then it's all Tay and all me. And like, I mean, if. Full ownership. If mine's not fucking crushing Tayes, we're going to have a problem. Or if yours is, you might have a problem. Right. Right. Right.

So I just feel like I'm too crazy for that level of like maturity. Competitive. We feel like a little competitive. I think we're just better off if we just stick with Tays. And it seems like you have less of the biological urge to do that. Exactly. Right. Which is probably like a good thing because let's say you like had a higher urge to do that.

That might be I know a lesbian couple where they're both going to like implant the egg and then the other one's going to carry. I think that's very nice sentiment. Yeah. I actually said to tell like. Sounds expensive. But yeah. Yeah.

I said to take I could carry like yours so I can bond with the baby and she was like no offense. But I know how you've lived your life and I don't necessarily. This is before we knew about my gross uterus. But she was like, I don't know if I want my child in your body. And honestly, fair. She may be micromanaging what you're eating, what you're doing. I've already done in the past.

Me in college, not okay. So, like, it was probably, it's probably better off. Your body is not enough of a temple to carry my child. Not even close. It's a pile of rubble. So I like, this is when I'm like, maybe this is good that I'm like the 20% dad. Because it makes me like a little bit more chill throughout this process. Well, you'd have to think, like, if it were the other way, if you had

all of the positive, like, fertility results, and she didn't, how tense that might be. Totally. Right? Like, you're so lucky that it wound up this way. I know. And I also feel like there's, I know this gay couple guys. And they decided to have a baby. And they were like, oh, we don't want to know who the dad is.

And like, within like two years, it was like, duh, that's the dad. So then the other guy was like, well, I want one of my own too. So they had one of his, like intentionally. And now there's like. Is there a weirdness? They're like, they're like in just a tough spot in their marriage, which, you know, happens. But I've heard it's like, team me and my baby and team me and my baby. Oh, you don't hate to hear that.

Right. Okay. Yeah. So that scared me too. Like I was like, I just don't want to have like, I think like I remember my therapist said to me that children, this is actually when I was married to husband. We had this conversation. Children are naturally divisive.

They literally can't help it. It's just like in their like DNA for survival. And so. Divisive to who? To the parents? To the parent. Okay. Right. They're straying on the relationship. Yeah. Yeah. So like you really need to be a solid unit and before you start to like have kids. You know, like kids will make bad things better. They'll they'll make an accelerator of that. They will highlight the weaknesses in your relationship. So I mean, it's an interesting point. I think that's very true. I think most of the people that I know who like are fighting a lot in their marriages because they are newly have kids. Right. It's a big stressor. It takes up a lot of your time. It's very expensive. Right. There's a lot of that. Yeah. So I feel like us just like me knowing how. crazy I can be is actually going to hopefully, you know, set us up for me not losing my mind when we have the child. Like she's fine. She's going to be great. Like she's made for this.

I'm like the real wild card here. But okay. I'm in. Well, you're so your plan, so you have your two embryos and then your plan is to go back and get more before you transfer. Yeah, I actually think I it's up to her. If she wants to go back before we transfer, I support that. If she wants to wait, do the transfer. And then after the transfer, she wants to go. go back in to get more eggs and embryos, that's fine too. But the only issue is time, you know? So it's like, I mean, the early you can get those embryos made the better off for the entire process.

So maybe we'll, maybe she'll go back in, get them and then we'll delay the, I'm all for delaying the implantation. Why is that? Because I'm scared to have kids. So I'm like, oh my God, you want to take more time? Oh, wait, wait. Do you think that you should go and take my trip? Right.

Yeah, exactly. Do you want a career change? I think you should really look into that. Like, there are so many things that I'm like, I'm like, yeah, it's really bad. I'm like looking. I'm like not helping her like move it along, like any excuse I can find. Right. I'm like, oh, is this for only a good time?

And I keep being like, hey, they're frozen in time. They're forever 35. And she's like, yeah, but you're not frozen in time. Like, you're going to be like 88 at our kids kindergarten graduation. I think you've got a few years for that. I do. Okay. So now you're on like kind of a hiatus.

Yeah. We're on a break right now. Okay. From the implantation. So, but like it's still ever present, you know? And I guess I kind of feel like a sense of relief because we're on this break. But like I need to get my shit together because it's not. I mean, we were supposed to be doing the implantation like right now.

I have a feeling that in my mind now we'd like push it another year. I know that's not the truth. I think she's going to start to really. really. Is she, what is her stance right now? She's like beginning of 2024, which is not very far away. That's like two months from now, two and a half. I really think that we should be more responsible and wait another year. That's the responsible thing to do. Isn't it though? Isn't it though? Right. But I people say you're never ready. So, and if everybody waited until they were ready, there, nobody would be pregnant. So. Yeah. And I mean, like, if you're going through all of this stuff, like it does seem like part of you. You're,

you, even if the part that, like, there's part of your brain that feels, I would imagine, into it, because you wouldn't be going through all of this stuff if you were fiercely against it, right? I mean, we've had some pretty intense therapy sessions recently. My therapist was like, straight up. Do you not want kids? And I was like, that's a really mean question, which is the answer is like, and there's your answer.

If I'm crying, saying that's a mean question, I'm not saying, no, I'm like, Tate said to me, what if I said tomorrow? I changed my mind. I don't want to have kids. I was like, well, that's a trap. I'm not a kid to answer that question. But like, I would be relieved, I think. But just like my uterus, being upside down, like, and when I knew I couldn't carry

all of a sudden, I was like, hey, maybe I wanted to carry. Maybe if she was like, you know what, no kids. Maybe I would be like, wait, wait, wait, let me really think this through. That's kind of how I am. Well, that sometimes happens, I think, with anything. If there's like so, if there's one person in it that has so much energy in one way, it cares so much, you kind of are like, okay, like, They can carry all of that.

So I'm like free to have the opposite view of like preserving all our freedom and all that other stuff. But if they pull back, there's almost like more room for you to like get into it. And I do think this. I think I have Peter Pan syndrome. I don't think I want to grow up. But I think that if I didn't have kids, I would probably end up regretting it. Right. So I do have that in me.

And like I'm so close to my family and I love them so much. And like, yeah, having babies. are tough and kids go through a really annoying weird phase like from their whatever like what is it like double digits until they're like legal to drink and I I don't know I mean but adult children are like the fucking best yeah that's the best reason to have them right so they can like take care of me when I'm old well that's actually helping right now too because like you know I'm at a certain age where like stuff's happening with my family not with my parents but like with like other family members just like aging stuff and I'm like huh maybe I do want kids that will come take care of me yeah you know they'll get a part-time job

contribute to the household oh I'm putting my kids like my kids are going to be like TikTok models I'm going to make them work right you're like I paid a lot for you so you better at you owe me hell yeah we're going to go oh my god we're going to start off in so much debt but whatever what are you going to do right I mean is there like a is there a feeling maybe or a frustration that you kind of have to like go through all this stuff yes right yes but I see the silver lining which is because we have to go through all this stuff, I'm actually buying myself like time. Like I can't imagine if we did IUI and she got pregnant.

Right away. I would be like, oh fuck, oh fuck. So like this is actually giving me peace to like the longer, the runway is actually like helping me like come to terms with my life changing. Right. Would you need to adopt the baby that she had? Yeah. Definitely I'm going to have to adopt our children.

Isn't that so crazy? Right, which is like another expense probably, like legally. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sure you could find a lawyer to do a pro bono. Oh, speaking of the implantation is so expensive. Right.

Yeah, the transfers are expensive too. Oh my God. So. The whole thing. It's like, and it sucks because like it feels like such a natural born right, the right to have a child if you want one that the barriers like feel just really unfair. that it becomes like a financial class thing, that some people just literally cannot afford to do that.

Well, that's the thing, too, is like I said today, you know, we're not in the transfer phase yet, but that's going to really explain a lot of, like, where we are. I mean, we could be tripling our current investment, you know what I mean, given what happens with the transfer. And so she was like, well, whatever it takes. And I was like, uh, whatever it takes, like, give me a number. Right.

What do you mean? Like, 100,000? you're like you're like 500,000 whatever a million like I can't afford that can you afford that money bags where you're hiding all this money like there comes a point where people I'm sure there's people who price out of being able to do this totally yeah it's extremely expensive and also just like mentally I think time consuming people it's like a mental like I'm sure you've seen it even from like it seems like you've had like pretty positive results but even like even like even anyone who has positive results there's always little like negative things along the way that for a lot of people are. like mentally really trying. So it's like expensive and it's like a mind fuck. Totally. I think it's great. I feel like you're going to be really great mom. Oh, I hope so. Thank you. I appreciate it. And is that is that an annoying thing to hear? No. I mean, I don't know. Let's just like lower expectations. I like to keep them low. I feel like you're going to be like a decent mom. Thank you. I appreciate that. I'll be like an okay mom. I'll just like mildly fuck my kids up.

I mean, that's guarantee though, right? Yeah. I mean, doesn't everyone do this? that. Even the people with, and you know what? I think that if you're not fucked up a little bit, you kind of are a little boring. Absolutely. Amen to that. I co-signed that wholeheartedly. Right.

You'll do the job of like making sure the kids have a good personality. Amen. Yes. Because they can listen to the show and hear how you were kind of on the fence. No, they will. One day they're friends to be like, you should hear what your mom said about you before you were born. Oh my God.

The therapy bills. I can see them already. No, that's best. Thank you so much for coming on. I'm excited to follow this journey that you have. I know like it's again it's like it's a mentally tough thing if you want it if you're not sure if you don't want it I think either way there's a lot to go through again financially mentally and so thank you for sharing that and being so honest about that whole process because I'm sure there's a lot of people who relate to that thank you and thank you for like me vent and this was a really nice therapy session I really appreciated it of course and Taylor where can they find you are you are you doing updates about this on social also so follow me right now at Taylor Shacker we have some stuff on our social some reels and stuff that you can check out. And you can always listen to me on my weekly podcast, new episodes drop every Thursday. It's called Taste of Taylor. And I also have a Patreon,

patreon. patreon.com slash the Taylor Shrekker show. It's like a daily show. If you want me to have a baby, how about you subscribe to my show so I can afford to have a baby? Yeah, guys. Because she kind of wants one. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. I didn't really sell that one, did I? So funny. Thanks again to our presenting sponsor, BetterHelp. I hope this episode has been a help to you on your path to parenthood. If you want to get started with therapy, I highly recommend trying BetterHelp. Just fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist and switch therapist anytime for no additional charge. Visit BetterHelp.com slash Baby Steps today to get 10% off your first month.

That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P.com slash Baby Steps. Betches.