Oversharing - Beefing With My Dying Mother In Law

Episode Date: January 14, 2025

Trigger Warning: This week’s Betchicist deals with the subject of sexual assault. This week, Jordana and Dr. Naomi talk about reframing the way you assess your own life and breaking away from the idea that you’re “too old” to do things. Our Overshare comes from a Betch who wonders why he still hasn’t decided whether or not he wants kids, when everyone around him seems to have it figured out. Today’s Betchicist goes out to a survivor who is struggling to navigate the lingering trauma of their assault. Dr. Naomi writes an intention for the frustrations of homeownership. And we’re feeling triggered by mothers-in-law who exclude us from their funerals and unsolicited advice about weight loss. If you’d like to get these episodes a day early and ad-free, plus two bonus episodes per month where we answer more emails and have follow-up conversations with listeners for real-time advice, make sure to subscribe at subscribe.betches.com! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

A quick note before we get into the episode, Oversharing is a podcast for entertainment purposes only. It is not a medical podcast and does not constitute medical or psychological advice. Always seek the advice of your physician or a mental health professional. Hello and welcome back to Oversharing. I'm Jordana Abraham. And I am Dr. Naomi Bernstein. And we are back our second episode of the New Year.

It's when things are really starting to be the new year. Yes. This is around the time when it's. like we can stop with the happy new year and the see you next year and you know all that. Right. We're in it. We're no longer new. It's just a year. 2025, though, is cool because it's like, you know, 25. It's like a quarter century. Yeah. It's kind of a good one. It feels important. It does. It's weird because like I do. I mean, we've talked about this before how time seems to move faster the older you get because it's like less time.

like as a percentage of your life. Right. And that, I don't know, that feeling is like a little sad, right? Yeah. You're like, where I'm like, oh, it's new, like it was just New Year's like last year. But that doesn't seem like so long. And I don't know. I feel like when you reflect and you're like, oh, I wanted to accomplish some of these

things and I didn't get to accomplish them. And then you're like, and it already, like I already am losing the time to get it done. And there is a feeling of like a little bit of anxiety. Yes. And when you're when you're younger, it just feels like you have all the time in the world to do all of the things that you ever want to do. And then as you get older, it sort of feels like, oh, another year still haven't done that thing. Still haven't like whatever that is. So I totally, I can relate to that.

Like even, you know, I think in college, I never did study. abroad. Ironically, I had a boyfriend at the time that I was too attached to and I didn't want to leave. And all my friends went and did study abroad. And then I've always, I've never really done like the backpacking around Europe thing. And then I'm kind of like, yeah, that's. And then my whole life, like in my 20s, I'm like, I'm going to do this in my 30s. Eventually I'm going to do this. And then you get to a point where you're like, okay, 45, still haven't done it. Probably not happening. anytime soon. I don't know about that. I mean, on that note, though, that's very interesting that you said. I was watching the Golden Globes last night. I don't know if you watch. Oh, no.

Okay. Fill me in. And to me more, one for the substance. And in her speech, I haven't watched it yet. But in her speech, she was saying, she's 62 years old. And she was saying, I've been doing this. I've been acting for like 35, like 40 years, whatever it is. And like I was told I was like a Popcorn actress, and I was never really good. This is like the first thing I've ever won, and I'm 62 years old. Oh, wow. And she's like, and right before I got this script, I was kind of like, maybe that's just like all I'm ever going to be.

And like, that's probably okay. But then she took the script and she just won like her first award ever. And she's like, I mean, she's very famous actress, obviously. Yeah. But even like the famous, you know, everyone has like something that they're kind of like, I was, maybe this is, maybe I'm never going to do it. This is as good as it's going to get. This is great.

Yeah, but life is long. And like, yeah, it is true. I think just because you haven't done something doesn't mean that it's not going to happen. Totally. And I do think we all need that reminder, maybe not you as much, because you're still younger, but, or maybe you do because you feel this way too. Like, when you start to feel old, like, you know, I'm kind of past the point. I always think if I feel old when I'm in my 40s or even in my 50s or even in my 60s or like, oh, I'm so old, think about if you were 85 and woke up in your 65-year-old body,

you'd be like, oh, my God, I feel like a million bucks. I have this whole life. I have two decades ahead of me before I get to this point. So sometimes you have to put it in perspective when you feel like, I'm older and I haven't done this thing. or to get out of that timeline of what's supposed to be done at what time. Totally. Especially when you're lucky enough to have, like, your health and you're like, can move or, like, you're talking about, like, backpacking.

Like, technically, you could go backpacking. Like, you know, you're fit. Like, you're, like, you know, healthy. Like, it's interesting. I guess, like, kind of like you say a lot. It's like your mind tells you these thoughts that you can't or shouldn't do some things or it's not, like, possible. but you don't always have to believe your mind.

It is true and you have to break out. I would have to break out of like my kids rule my life. Yeah. I'd have to break out of that, which is possible. Who cares about those people? Speaking of which. Don't let them hold you back. They were off school from December 20th and they are still,

we are recording this on January 6th and they're still home. They are not back at school yet. When is the first day back at school? They go back tomorrow. They throw in this Monday? That's crazy. I don't know why they threw in this Monday. It was the weirdest thing. But sometimes they get so absorbed where I'm just like, last night I had a little bit of a breaking point where I'm like everybody's emotions are so much. Like everyone's needing all this emotional tenderness and care and like empathy. And I was just like, I know. need a break. You tell them you were this close to just upping and backpacking through Paraguay. Like if they ask you for one more thing. I was Googling flights and hostels. I would have been gone this morning. Yeah. So do you ever get to a point as a parent where you're like, you know, you hear about the person who just abandons their whole family, like starts a new life? You're like, I see it. Yeah. See how you got there.

But it's hard because it's like, you know, you're wrapped up in this. That's why I think that's why sometimes I'm like, I could never go backpacking. But like you can't, it could do whatever you want. You definitely could. Yeah. Those kids are old enough to take care of themselves. The older ones will take care of the younger ones. Yeah.

Theoretically. But no, it is, it is nice to say to look at your year. And like you said, thinking, okay, what did I want last year? That's what I think makes it, like you said, depressing is you're like, okay, last year I thought I was going to be doing this thing or I thought I would have gone backpacking or I thought I would have whatever. And then you don't and it feels like, you know, a waste of time. But that's why being in the moment of the tiny little things throughout your day makes it feel like not a waste of time. Yeah, totally. And I'm trying to meditate more in 2025. Take some of your Zen energy.

I'm trying to meditate not in like an emergency situation. Yes. Do you know what I mean? Like to, because it feels like it's too late. Yes. Like, repick it up then. Yes. But I think I used to have this feeling of like I had to do it every day or like,

what's the point of doing it at all? And I'm trying to be a little less intense about it. Like maybe I'll do, like maybe my goal will be like twice a week and then I'll see how that feels and then I'll increase from there or something. Totally. And I even tell people like even write. now, you can be, have this be a meditation moment. Like, you're sipping your coffee right there. So just like, pay attention to how it feels running down the back of your throat and pay attention to

where your mind wants to go and pulling it back. Like, you can take one mindful breath. And that can just snap you out of a, like a narrative that you've, like a fantasy narrative that you've created in your head that you're going to live in for the next 10 minutes. Sometimes very stressful. or not pleasant. Totally. I was thinking about that when I was skiing. I was skiing this weekend. And I was trying,

because I know you would, before I left, you would just been like, you know, you're in nature, like, just like be like present and whatever. And I was trying to do that.

But while I was like, I've gotten much more scared as I've gotten older. Maybe I've just gotten worse at it. So I'm just like, I'm trying to balance that with like trying to make sure I like know where the other people

in my group are so I don't like get lost and I'm like on my own and like worried about falling But then I realized that I was doing that. And I was like, let me try to just like enjoy the scenery of it, even if it's for like five seconds before I make sure that I'm not. Yeah, going to like die by skiing into a tree. That's so true. That's why my favorite part of my favorite way to ski personally is like by myself on a really easy trail.

Because of that. Because I'm like, I don't have to worry about falling. And I don't have to worry about like, are we going to stop there? and I stop at the corner and who's there and which way are we going. I just go whichever way I want to go and I get to the bottom. And then, yeah, I like the idea of skiing kind of alone, not sure. Easy slope. Yeah, easy slope.

I don't have to worry about moguls or falling or trees or and just chill. Yeah, it's making me want to go skiing. All right, we should get to. We'll get to it before you leave your whole family. Let's go skiing in Switzerland. Never come back. Guys, exciting update or updated. We've updated the subscription offerings. It's out now. If you're listening to this on a Monday and you're like, how did I get this on a Monday? I don't know what's going on. If you're a subscriber, we're also adding in addition to ad free, you can get the episodes one day early. So this will be out on Mondays if you're a subscriber and Tuesdays, if you're a regular listener. And you'll still get the same wonderful episodes you'll get if you don't want to subscribe. That's totally fine. You're just going to have ads and get them on Tuesdays. But if you all, are subscribed, we're also adding two bonus episodes a month. We're no longer doing the meditations,

but there's a whole backlog if you've been subscribed in the past, or if you're a new subscriber, you can also get access to all the meditations that are on the feed. You can access them at any time. And those are great. We had a really fun time doing those, but we're changing the offering. And the two episodes are going to be, we're going to catch up with a listener who is written in. we're going to see how they took our advice, see if they have any new advice. They're going to be coming on and you're going to be able to hear like a full update. And we've already recorded one of those. And it's just really, it's really fun. It's great to like see how things work out like in real life in real time. Yes. If you wrote in and we answered your question, please reach out

with updates because we want to talk to you. Like I really want to talk to our listeners. I want to hear the voice behind the words. I want to really connect and see what's going on because, as we know, you move from one thing to another. So even if maybe that situation isn't even an issue anymore, it is really fun and interesting to see how everyone's lives are evolving. Exactly. And maybe you're a little worried about coming on because it's public.

So this is behind a paywall. So it's a little bit more private. And we can also do things like change your voice. Obviously keep it. We won't say your name. If you want, we can change your voice. We have a whole host of things we can do to make it more private. But also, it's behind a paywall.

So it's not like any old person can just listen to it. They'll have to be part of our exclusive oversharing community. So definitely check it out. I'm pretty sure you can get like a free seven day trial. If you want to try it out, see if it works for you. And also like in addition to having listeners on, we're going to respond to a lot of feedback that we get about other. episodes, maybe do bonus emails. We're going to have like a lot of extra bonus content as the

second episode bonus episode of the month. Usually it'll be the second and fourth Thursday of the month because, you know, this is January. We're giving ourselves some grace. This one's going to be the 16th and the 30th. But after this month, it's going to be every second Thursday of the month. You'll get your bonus episode. Subscribe.bethges.com or you can subscribe on Apple Podcasts right in the I'm really excited. And also, if you want even more oversharing vibes, join one of Dr. Naomi's group sessions. How did they do that? Yeah, you can go to my website, Naomi Bernstein.com. Great way to start off the new year. Get involved in a community. If you're feeling alone, if you're feeling lonely, if you're having issues that you just want some feedback on from myself

and from other people. Yeah, Naomi Bernstein.com. Check it out. that will be a great way to really get into more oversharing, more Dr. Naomi vibes for 2025, which I think we could all use to calm the fuck down. But let's get into our show. If you have a voicemail or you want to leave us a voicemail, you can call 646-363-6294. Or as always, if you want to email us,

or if you want to email us an update to get on the subscription episode, oversharing at betches.com, oversharing at betches.com. I will read our first overshare. Okay. Hi there. I have a question for the podcast. I'm a 38-year-old single gay man, no kids. I feel like I'm reaching a major turning point in my life, perhaps the kind that only comes at 20, 40, and 60. Throughout my 20s, I went to college, in grad school, moved to a big city, and loved

living alone in a small apartment. I loved not having the responsibility, boning a house, or having kids. I dated, and had one serious-ish relationship, situation, really, and I've spent the last few years in therapy really getting my shit together in terms of relationships and attracting slash being attracted

to the right men. Now that I'm approaching 40 and going on better dates, things look different. Good, I think, but weird and confusing. I was feeling suffocated in the city and moved to a nice, close-in suburb.

I'm in the city four days a week still, though. I'm meeting great guys for dating, but many of them have slash want kids, and I'm kind of like, Why don't I want them? Do I? I'm not ready to say I'm wanting them, but I'm not ready to say no either. And many guys I meet have a deal breaker one way or the other. I'm still thinking no, but it's like a real question. And now is the time, right? I feel like I have no set life for the moment. In my 20s, I was very clear what I wanted, living in the city, the dual income no kid, dink lifestyle, duh.

But now I'm not so sure. It feels like there's so many paths I could choose to pursue. Sometimes my mind lands on going back to the city and finding a nice partner and focusing on him and keeping my life pretty much the same. I'm sure I'd love that. Other times, I see a handsome gay with his kids and my heart is warmed and I'm like, that looks beautiful too. At the same time, it seems so different that I've always been. I don't know if it's actually me or if it's just FOMO or baby fever. Men get it too, LOL. It's causing me a lot of stress to figure out which path to go down if I have a choice.

I know there's no guarantees no matter what I choose to pursue. Things might not work out. I may not like it, et cetera. But do you have any tips on navigating this very weird liminal space where you have no idea who you're becoming? How does one pick a pass? All right. I love this question. I think a lot of times when you're in this place where you're not sure which way to go, these little external moments can really affect you. Like if you see someone, like when he sees a man with his kids and he looks super cute and they all look happy, it's like, oh, maybe I do want that. Right.

And then maybe if he sees a couple in a restaurant where the kids are like tantruming and it's like, you know, seven o'clock on a Saturday night and he's like, I'm going to get ready, like go home to my nice, clean apartment. He's like, that's not what I want at all. Right. And I feel like there's this whole, it's funny, like anytime you see even on social media, someone make a statement about like not having kids or having kids and then people get in the comments get so worked up in both ways,

like saying that their way is the right way, which is so funny because it's like, people also like want to validate their own decision making by like really leaning into it when the truth is probably like somewhere in the middle of those things. Like, you know what I mean? Yes. And like we were just talking about,

there's moments where you're like, this is the best thing ever. Like I love this life that I chose. And then there's moments. like I had last night where I'm like, oh my gosh, I want to be skiing in Switzerland and not sitting here like, you know, dealing with three kids and all of their emotions. You're going to have moments either way that are amazing and then you're going to have moments that you feel like this isn't what you wanted or why did I choose this lifestyle

or. Right. And I think it can be enhanced. Our tendency to compare ourselves with other people is so huge. Like you'll see someone that looks happy and you're like, oh, that's the way to get happy. Or you'll see someone that's like miserable and you're like, ooh, I better not do that. I'll be miserable. And that might be part of what's happening here.

The other thing I have to say to him is, and I don't know how you feel about this, but sometimes you just, you have to meet the person. Like unless he wants to do it alone, I don't know, maybe he does want to do it alone. I guess that's another question. But sometimes meeting the person and having more of that domestic lifestyle already, then it feels like, okay, this is the natural next step of what we want to do versus getting ahead of yourself and trying to plan the whole thing before you even have the option to plan the whole thing, unless he is going to do it alone, which he didn't say one way or the other if he is. No, yeah. No, I agree with that. I also think he's, I think I feel like he feels the need like to decide.

because he's going on dates with people where they do feel very strongly one way or another. And so he feels like, well, I might be missing. If I'm kind of like, I don't know,

and I'm dating people who are like, yes, like absolutely must have, then if I, if I'm okay, then I feel like I need to decide so I can know if I, you know,

if those people are, for me, which is nice in some way because you're not like wasting anyone's time who is very clear about what they want, but I can see why, on the other hand, it would be like, it feels in some ways I'm like envious of this person because they're kind of like, take it or leave it. Like, you know, like, you know, it's, I'm not like disgusted with the idea, but like I could have a great life without it. And like, that's always like the, I feel like

that's the ideal way to think about almost anything. It's just like the least stressful and like, Right. You know, it just feels like a nice way to live to not be like, I must have this or I will never be happy. Totally. Very free. Right. But he's seeing it as a problem, which I get. And I have a hunch.

He probably went on a date with a really cute, awesome guy that was like, if you don't want kids, this isn't going to work. And then was kind of like, oh, well, now I'm going to throw this whole thing away, but maybe I do. But I think in those situations, the only option is to be honest and say, right now I just really don't know. I must, but I'm not like definitely not. So that person would have to be taking a chance on you if they wanted to do that. That's the hard part is you're like, am I turning this person off when I may end up really wanting this? So yeah, I think that's where the struggle lies. But the last thing you want to do is get into that situation where you're like, well, I think I do.

And then a year later, he's like, you're madly in love. You're deep in a relationship and you decide that's not what you want. We kind of just had an email like that a couple of weeks ago. And the woman was not chill about that. So yeah. And I'm saying I respect his like, I respect being like, I don't want to make someone think that I want something that I don't. but I also don't necessarily not want it. And I mean, as a man, it's the beauty of being a man is that you do have a little more time to figure these things out.

And like he said, it's almost like he's, it almost feels like he's like now dating in a healthy way for the first time. Right. Because he's 38, maybe he's like, well, maybe I should have like been thinking about this for longer, but he was almost like trying to get to an earlier step before this point. Yes. Yes. I really would focus if I were him, I was. focus on what you said, which is you have this beautiful freedom that you seem like you could be happy with or you could be happy without. You just have to find someone else. Maybe that doesn't feel the exact same way, but that's open to the reality of that. And that's how you feel.

And it's hard, like I said, if I have a hunch that maybe he found someone that was like, this is a deal breaker and he had to throw it out, but you feel how you feel and you're not sure. So you can't, even if we said to you, well, just do it. Just have kids. I think that's the right thing for you. Like, you'd be lying to yourself if you went into it being like, I know this is what I want. I'm sure about it.

And I think it's almost a more interesting conversation to tell someone that you're on a date with exactly what you just told us. Like, that's an interesting, vulnerable, like, nuanced conversation of like, you know, I wasn't really dating seriously in a healthy way until recently. So I'm just kind of like really even starting to like go there. And I'm thinking about the idea of having kids. And on one hand, like I think of all these great things. And the other hand, I think of all these, you know, potential things that could get in the way of my lifestyle.

And to me, that's like an interesting thing that will bring you closer to someone as opposed to just like, you want kids. I want kids. Like, check. Like that's not even really a good way to get to know someone is just finding out if that's a box they're looking to check on their list. Yes. And share and I think sharing those little. each of the moments that pull you each way. So share with him that there's moments where you, you know, see a guy with his kids and you think that that's the cutest thing and you want that.

And then share with him the moments that pull you the other way. That's like giving him a sneak peek into your brain and what's going on and being totally honest. And you'll find someone who's at least willing to maybe try it out and give it some time and see how you feel. But I think trying to force the decision. Right. At this point is like I would lean into I can be happy with or without and that's a beautiful thing. Right.

We'll see where life takes me. Yes. Because there's no decision to be made right now other than lying to a really cute guy and telling him you want kids when you're not sure if you want kids. There's no real decision that you can just push yourself to make unless you're in the relationship and the guy gives you the ultimatum and says, either we have kids or I'm out. Right. Then you have to make this decision, but you don't really have to make it right now.

And I think that's sort of probably part of the process of dating in this healthy way, which I, you know, learned as I went on and I definitely didn't do when I first started dating, which is like feeling like you need to be the person that everyone wants. Like you need to like sort of like transform or or present a version of yourself that the other person will find attractive, which people think is going to. you know, make them more appealing to people, but actually like being yourself and having like and not trying to be that person is what makes you more attractive is by like having like opinions that are your own and not trying to be who that person tells you do. I think there was a, there was a really interesting quote.

We just had Logan Yuri, who's like a dating expert on you up and she was saying how like people think they need to be like this perfect thing. but like when they're dating someone, but like you need cracks to have something to hold on to. Like you need to show. Oh, interesting. Those things. Right. It's like the glossy exterior isn't actually like there.

There's nothing to hold onto there. Yeah. The vulnerability I think is the is the key to like having a real relationship, not just like getting someone to like you. Yes. And this conversation is very real. You could show up as the perfect version of yourself if you think he wants kids and say, that oh yeah, that sounds great. But this is a way to get deeper.

And if you're not a match, you're not a match. Like if he's hell bent on kids and like it's going to be a disaster. If his life turns out without it, then he's not going to be your person, at least not right now. Yeah. All right. Well, good luck. Let us know how this goes. Give us an update over sharing at betches.com.

I just want to give you guys a quick trigger warning. Our betrists today contains mentions of sexual assault. Let's do an bethesist. Okay, I will read this. Hello, thank you for all you do to be a resource for your listeners. Your podcast brings me a lot of introspection, new perspectives, and some good laughs too. Thank you. I'll get straight to the point.

14 years ago, I was sexually assaulted at a college party. I did not attend the college, but was visiting friends. I never reported anything, and I very rarely discussed this with anyone, including my therapist. I've never discussed it. close friends only discussed very briefly and my husband discussed once in vague terms. It is a traumatic experience that I have buried for some time and I know I need to talk about it with my therapist. This email is inspiring me to do so. Here's my ethical dilemma. Given social media and the ability to track where people are today and that he was a prominent D1 athlete at the school,

I Google my assactor every few years. He's married to the women who I believe he was dating when he assaulted me. And according to Facebook public photos, he has three kids and lives a very picture-perfect waspy life. There are times when I want to write an anonymous letter to him just to remind him of what he did to me and the pain, humiliation, and harm he caused to me. Now that he has two daughters, I want to put him in their shoes to understand what kind of brutal act he did and how he once treated a woman in such a disposable and careless manner. I also don't believe I was likely the first of his victims, but I do not know for certain. I realize this was so long ago, and he honestly probably does not remember that what to him may have just been another aggressive

encounter could have been so traumatizing for someone else. Beyond talking to my therapist about this, which I will, any advice on how to navigate such lingering trauma and what to do about it when it's so easy to Google people who may have done something so horrible to you? Thank you for all you do. This is a This was Thank you for writing in This is like obviously A very very traumatic experience

I wanted to get your take You know as a professional Before I added anything in myself But like my first thought is like I mean she writes about it as like an ethical dilemma My first thought is like It sounds like something that I could see someone really wanting to do Totally

And I think where it comes from is like when you've gone through something like this, you are holding so much pain and trauma and it's affecting your, it changes your whole way of viewing the entire world when you go through something like this. So she's holding this changed worldview. She doesn't get into it, but a lot of people really have issues with intimacy and relationships and sexual. sexuality and relationships after something like this happens and not to mention PTSD and nightmares and just intrusive thoughts and self-deprecating thoughts and shame and all the nuances of what it feels like to have gone through that and then just holding all of that in your own head especially because she hasn't really fully processed it. There's a lot. that comes up around, you know, what people would think if I told them or maybe I should have done something different or somehow it's my fault or I should have. Maybe it feels too late to say something because I didn't say something yet. Yes. Yeah. All of these things where you

end up like taking on a lot of blame when he is the only person to blame for this. But a lot of times with survivors of sexual trauma, that's just kind of how our brains are wired. Like I was there. I was in my own head and sometimes you're not because you're like dissociating in that moment, but there's a lot of thoughts afterwards of shame and guilt around, you know, for some people, just freezing and not fighting back or not doing enough or and then feeling like if you share that with someone, they're going to ask you or they're going to poke kind of a hole in your story or they're going to try to somehow flip it on you or pull out some reasoning why you played a role in this,

which is it's horrific. It's the worst thing that can happen, which is why a lot of people don't want to share. Right. And then the fact that she hasn't told anyone, and like, again, this is the only other person that's experienced it with her, or like was in the experience, rather.

I can see why she's like, it's so enraging that the person's just kind of like gone on living their life. like they never did anything wrong, and she's the only one who has to, like, deal with this every day. And I can understand the urge to, you know, in some ways, obviously, like, it feels a,

there's an element of, like, vengefulness to it of, like, I want you to feel, to know exactly how you made me feel so that you feel really bad about this thing, which seemingly I've never heard or seen you express any remorse over. So I think that's probably one aspect of the desire to write this letter. Like I need someone to share to like pay for this in some way, shape or form because this happened. And then there's the other of like no one really, it seems like no one really knows how she feels. And maybe like in her mind like she doesn't want to bother anyone else with these feelings except for the person that caused them.

Yes. Yes. And even honestly, as we're talking about it, like I'm feeling kind of like the hairs on the back of my neck stand up to think about how much. she's carrying and how little it seems like he's carrying. And he's just moving on with two daughters. Like, I totally validate that you would want to jump in there and kind of be like, this happened. And it looks like you're just moving on as if this never happened, never got an acknowledgement or an apology or an awareness. And I just have to move through my life holding all this trauma. So I totally, totally validate that urge to drop that in his lap. And, I mean, it's never going to affect him the way it affected you. Right.

Do you think that it's something that she could do? I mean, I think she could. The trouble is she might not get what she want. He might just ignore it. Like, he might not even respond. He might respond with, I have no idea what you're talking about. Like, you don't know what he's going to. You can't control that.

Yeah. Can't control what she's going to get from him. So I don't know that I would recommend it only because it may make things feel even worse if she gets a response from him or doesn't get a response from him or doesn't get the response that she probably would want. Well, yeah. Maybe she could like write the letter, like write what she would, what she wants to say, right? and like maybe work through it with an actual therapy like she said she has a therapist maybe like work through like writing this letter with the therapist and then all the different scenarios that could happen if she sent it while you know going through that with a trained

professional i think the letter writing itself would probably be really narcotic she i definitely agree that you should write this letter whether or not you're writing it to get something from him, I agree. I'm not saying don't do it, but like, I think you do need to be sure that you're going to be better off regardless of how he responds. But I love the idea of you writing this letter. It might be a beautiful way for you to just like really speak your truth about what happened, and you're saying it to someone who also is there and who also knows exactly what happened. So I definitely think you should write it. Whether or not you send it, I think depends on how you would handle it. If he, like you said, ignored it or wrote back and said, I don't even know who you are.

Or that didn't happen. Yes. Whatever it is. And I don't, you know, I don't know how much alcohol was involved. Maybe he doesn't even remember it. Like there's just so many variables on how he could respond to this that might not. make you feel better and might make you actually feel worse involving him in this. But I do think you being clear with yourself and your therapist or your husband or whoever about your story and what happened and that he is the only person that's at fault for this is a big part of this. So I think do that first and then see how you feel about reaching out to him because I think you can't make a clear decision about whether or not you need to involve him in it if you

haven't fully gone through it. And it is a tough thing. It's kind of like, okay, here's my husband. I know there's this thing that I need to tell him. So I'm just going to kind of quickly tell him one time. Right. And then never talk about it again. Yes. Yeah. Which feels like, okay, I didn't not tell him this, but I'm also, you're not really leaning into the emotions on it. And he doesn't know, I'm sure how it affects you or that you get this urge to Google this asshole every now and then and see what he's up to or whatever. Like, he doesn't probably know any of that, which is a big part of the lingering effects of this.

Right. Yeah. I mean, in the, I guess in my like, thought, maybe this is her thought. I don't even know if this is what she would want. But in my, like, it's the best case scenario that he would respond and say, like, oh, my God, like, I'm so sorry. That was like a horrible time in my life. And I did so many things I regret.

And like, I feel horrible that I did this. and something like, you know, and validating everything she said, acknowledging is true. Like, that's like the, I would imagine that would be the only thing that would, there's like one scenario that would probably feel. Yes, make her feel better. I would assume. And if, I mean, is it a possibility that she gets that?

I have no, obviously, we have absolutely no knowledge of who this guy is or what this guy. I would imagine, like, he would hope that someone who was now older with two daughters and, like, hopefully in a different, phase of their life would have some of that, but again, there's no way to... Totally. And if it makes you feel better as far as the vengeance piece of it, he has two daughters and one day they're going to grow up and go to college and he's not going to sleep at night because he knows that there's going to be guys just like him out there with his daughters. So I think it's going to come back around to him in that way. When he gets older, I always think about

that scene. There was this reality show, Siesta Key, and it was like, there was a whole group of girls and guys, and this one guy was just like fucking with all the girls and like, I don't think he was sexually assaulting them, but he was just being a douchebag and like sleeping with them and not calling them back. And he had a girlfriend that he got pregnant. And all the girls like had a watch party basically for his gender reveal where they were just had like bottles of champagne ready if he had a girl. And they were checking Instagram and he posted his gender reveal

and they said it was a girl. And all these girls were like popping bottles that he's going to get what's coming to him because now he has his own little girl. So I think if there's part of that, I think that's going to happen. Like I always think about that scene because I just feel like these guys

eventually if they do decide to grow up and become a dad and have a girl, there's their built-in forever remorse. I think there's a, it's called like the player's curse. Oh, is that a thing? Something like that. I think I've heard of this. Yes.

So he has the player's curse and he has double. He has two. So if that's part of it, I get the urge. But like, just knowing that he has those two girls, I think, is going to help. There's no way he's not thinking about, even now, if they're babies, he's not thinking about what he did. I'm sure he is in pertaining to his fears around somebody else doing that to his little girls. Right. Yeah. But I think this is definitely something, if you already, it sounds like she already has a therapist. I would start just by like opening that conversation up with her because it sounds like not. It seems like she's done a really good job of sort of like packing this in. And not, yeah, I don't, I don't think that like, I totally agree with you. I don't think emailing something.

someone when you haven't processed this with a professional is like going to give you the result that you want. Right. Do it process first. Talk about it with your therapist. And then you can always decide what you want to do later. But I do really want to thank you for writing in because this isn't something we've really tackled.

And unfortunately, I am sure that so many of our listeners have been in this situation and have been assaulted. And, you know, really appreciate you bringing this to the. the surface for us to talk about, yeah, and if anyone else has, you know, these types of things, I think it is really hard to do it, especially when you packed it away for 10 years or however long it's been, 14. It's really hard to be like, my life is fine. I don't want to like trudge up this thing. Right. So if you writing into us is the first step in that, I really admire you. and I hope that you, you know, find some peace of mind as you move through this process.

So thinking of you. Great. Let's do some intentions. I will read this one. Hi, Jordana and Doctor. And I absolutely love the podcast and I could really use your help. My husband and I live in a major city and we just bought a condo, something for which we've been planning and saving for many, many years. I fell in love with the unit immediately.

and I'm so grateful to get to have the opportunity to own after decades of being a renter. The problem is, our building faces at Busy Street with much more noise than I'm accustomed to. Instead of feeling excited and happy when I'm in my home, I find myself hyper-focusing on every single car, bus, motorcycle, and train that goes by. I even spiral into thoughts of regret, wondering if we made the wrong decision even though that I know that is not helpful. Most of the times, I can keep my irritated thoughts to myself, but sometimes I can't can't help but point these sounds out to my husband who was unbothered by the noise. And I think I'm starting to ruin the excitement of our first home for him as well.

We sleep with a white noise machine, so thankfully this is only an issue during waking hours. I'd love an intention for when I spiral into hypervigilance and irritation. And even worse, feelings of regret to allow me to focus on my gratitude and my love for a new home. Thanks for all you do, a hypervigilant fetch. Yeah, this issue is like a micro-figilant. cause them for life. Okay. I think.

In the sense that in this space that she's in, there is this negative sensation that's coming in, like a negative noise, negative. And I really get it. It's very irritating, especially when you tie it into your, like, decision-making, financial. They paid a lot of money. They made this choice to buy this place. The biggest choice they've ever made, right? Yes. And now there's this like negative experience coming in through your senses. It's in your ears. And every time you hear it, it kind of pulls you into this negative place. So why I say it's a microcosm for life, because you can make the choice to take this, this moment where your senses had pulled you out and write a narrative around it. And that's what I think she's,

doing. Like a lot of times what bothers us about things that are happening in our life, whether it's something we're seeing on social media, or it's an email that our boss is writing to us that we don't like, or it's being rejected by a romantic partner. It's that moment stings, that moment isn't great, but what makes it really bad is like the narrative that we write about that moment. So when she hears the bus and the train and the motorcycle and whatever it is, her mind is not just like, oh, that low-pitch grumbling sound is unpleasant. That's not really what's bothering her. Yes, that low-pitch grumbling sound of a motorcycle might be unpleasant. But I think it comes back to, I have a hunch, the resale value or what does this mean about this choice that we made?

You're going to have to listen to this for the rest of my life. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. all these future things that are based on this whole narrative about this uncomfortable thing that she's experiencing in the moment. So I think if she could take this, that there's something, she's being pulled into the moment for better or worse, right? She's hearing these sounds. Yeah. And they're pulling her into, she's using her senses to be in the moment, but she's hyper-focusing

on these negative sounds. Well, maybe that's a moment that's being sent to you where you can then be like, okay, there are these sounds in this apartment, this beautiful, like new life that I've created with my partner in this apartment. There are these sounds, but there's also maybe sites. She said it's a beautiful apartment. There's things she can see with her eyes in that moment that are pleasant. There's, she can run her hand over her countertop that perhaps she really loves the feeling of it or the appearance of it. And it's, or she can take a deep breath and smell the scent of whatever it is that she's has filling her apartment. So this is like a call to return to presence with these like alarms, these negative sounds. But if she can kind of change her perspective on it, and again, that microcosm for life, there's this uncomfortable thing that's pulling me out. My urge is to write a narrative around it, but what I'm going to do is pull myself back into my senses. Right. So what do is, what do you do with the narrative, then, I guess, is kind of also the question. Like,

is the idea to never fix something that is, that is not, that is bothering us and just instead just accept it? I guess that's sort of like, where the line is tough for me, where I'm like, all right, are we supposed to just accept discomfort and not change anything about our discomfort to make ourselves more comfortable for the rest of our lives? Or like what, where is the line? Right. I mean, it doesn't sound, there is a line where it's, kind of like, okay, if you can slowly and consciously and mindfully make a choice and you really want to put your apartment on the market, like, I guess you could do that. It doesn't sound like that's kind of where she's at with this. I could be wrong. But I do think it's like maybe this

apartment is being sent to her as like a practice in this automatic thought of like motorcycle cycle sound is bad. Would it, like, if it was like a crying baby sound, that's also kind of like an irritating sound. But the narrative is different around that. Or I think if you could just look at it, like, here's the noise. This is the moment that's unfolding. And also, everything is impermanent. So like one day they won't be in this apartment anymore.

And she'll remember, she'll, you know, think back to this time when it's seemed like this was all she could think about, but it will be gone just like everything else. So she can kind of tweak her mindset and think like, okay, here I am in this first apartment with my husband and there's busyness and there's motorcycles and there's trains. And apparently, I get it. They're not the most pleasant sounds, but it's not like a piercing, screeching, like, you know, painful sound. It's kind of like, you know, just her interpretation.

of what these noises are and just kind of leaning in like, okay, there it is. And when the motorcycle comes, the motorcycle leaves. It doesn't stay forever. Like that just, I think this moment could be a really good practice for her if she chooses to accept that challenge. Like, okay, here comes this motorcycle. It's unpleasant. But guess what? In 12 seconds, it's going to be gone. Right. And you know what? It's going to come back. And then it's going to be gone again. It's so, that's true. I watched, I don't know if you've seen this movie Inside Out too. Yeah.

I just watched it on the plane. And I feel like it's so much about what you talk about, but like kind of put in a, it's in a little more obviously simplified way for kids. Right. You know, like where you have like the anxiety just coming and like trying to tell you you need to like do all these things that you don't need to do. Yes.

Um. So I think jumping to like, we've got to get out of here. We've got to sell this place because for 12 seconds, there's a motorcycle, then it goes away. And then in, you know, another 45 minutes, there's a train, and then it goes away. It's like actually kind of a really good practice because none of this is dangerous or painful or like going to harm you. It's just unpleasant and uncomfortable.

And it's funny, the reason why I know it sounds easier said than dumb, but the reason why I actually had one of my most meaningful meditation experiences around the same thing, thing when we first moved to this house where I went out into the backyard and we picked this house because it had like a really nice view. We were leaving New York and I was like, oh, it's going to be like middle of nowhere vibes. Like I'm so excited to go outside in the backyard and do my meditation and get like middle of nowhere vibes. And then a blaring like a fire truck went by. And I watched my mind be like, oh my God, we bought this house. There's a fire station like right up the street. And there was just like there was actually, it wasn't just one fire truck. It was like two fire trucks

probably within a half an hour with like, you know, their alarms going off. Right. And I had this same thing where I was like, I thought I was going to have this like Zen meditation garden and we bought the wrong house. We picked the wrong thing. I didn't realize this fire station. I didn't think. about how it was going to affect the noise. And my mind started going off into this whole thing about how this wasn't the right choice and what, what am I doing? And this and then I was able to kind of be like, the fire engine is gone. It's been gone for five minutes. Like, I don't hear it anymore.

But my mind was still going on and on about all the reasons why this was a bad choice and this was a poor life decision. And then I was like just brought myself back. And it was this very powerful moment for me of like really watching what my mind wanted to do with a simple short-lived unpleasant sensation. Yeah. I love that. Yeah. Very inspiring. So what's your intention for the listener when she starts to have those intrusive thoughts?

Yeah. So I wrote a few. I think, you know, the one that maybe is the best is a mindful moment of presence is being sent to me. I will be open to all of the sensations of this moment and try to suspend judgments around them. So, yes, there's the sound, but there's also, like I said, things that she can see and touch and smell. And just it's a great way to notice that your mind wants to start to judge or talk about it or be very, verbal around it and just coming back to like being in her senses in that moment because by the time she starts looking around her apartment and smelling her whatever, you know, essential oils or

whatever she has, the motorcycle's gone. It's over. Yeah. So I really, I will say I can relate to this because I had a pretty impactful experience around like unpleasant sounds in this space and this choice of big financial decision. Right. Right. Well, we made a huge mistake. to move near this fire station. And it still happens. I go back there. You never heard it. Interesting.

Maybe next time you come, you'll notice it. I still go back there and I still hear it all the time. And it's always kind of actually now, it's kind of like a cool thing because it reminds me of like my meditation practice. And you know if there's ever a fire. Close fire truck. You're reminded that you're safe. Totally.

That is true. All right. Let's do some triggers. Do you want to read our first triggered? Yes, I will read the first one. Dr. Naomi and Jordana love the podcast. I'm going to jump right in. I've been with my husband for 10 years, married for five.

We live in California for my husband's job, and both of our families live in the Northeast. My mother-in-law was recently diagnosed with an aggressive form of cancer and was placed in hospice care shortly after. We did fly to visit my husband's parents for the week of Thanksgiving. And then my husband and I took three weeks of PTO to be there to support her, Christmas week, New Year's week, and the week after.

While my husband and I were out to dinner on the second night of our three-week stretch, he mentioned to me that my mother-in-law wants calling hours and a funeral, but no significant others present. I should add, my husband is the oldest and only married sibling. He has two younger sisters, one engaged and the other single. My question is, how triggered can I be? I've used all my PTO to help care for my mother-in-law. I've known her for 10 years. We've always gotten along well, and now I'm not welcome at any of her services.

Also, should I be more angry that my husband knew this before a three-week-long trip and didn't tell me a bothered bitch? This is a very intense, triggered. Like, I can see, I understand where she's coming from, having felt like she was close to someone and, you know, going there to take care of them and then to find out that their like dying wish is like

that you not be there. Essentially that sounds, I mean, I don't, I've never done like calling hours. I think that's like an after almost like a awake. Is it? Like, what is it? Yeah, I think it's like awake when you may or may not

have like the body present. It's just kind of like a paying respects thing. Right. And she wants. No one, no significant others present. So essentially she just wants like her children and her husband, I guess. Yeah, that's what it sounds like. And I mean, I don't know.

It's tough, right? Because she's the, it's her, it's literally her funeral. Yeah. Yeah. And it's, you know, I, I guess it kind of feels really triggering because she's like, do you actually not like me? Or like, am I not a significant person? Am I not significant enough to be there for your funeral and in these extremely important moments in your life?

But I'm also like expected to be there to take care of you in your final days. Right. 100%. I could see how this is triggering, especially, yeah, everything you just said. And the other piece is like almost like the calling hours and the funerals and a lot. lot of ways for the living relatives. You know, so I'm curious how her husband feels about this, that he's not going to have his wife there to support him when he's going through, you know, all this and how he feels about it because that also feels complicated and

kind of triggering that like she wants him to have to go through it alone. Or maybe there is this piece of like, what I assume is happening is that she just wants that little nuclear family. to be able to have that moment to themselves. Could you in some ways understand this as someone, you know, with their own nuclear family, like the idea that in the future, you know, you might want to like something to like recreate that in, I don't know, like, you know.

And I feel especially for the person who's writing in because it's like the kind of thing where you're like, am I going to start shit with a dying woman? Right. Am I going to start a fight with this woman who's literally like not going to be here soon? Like I said, how I'm going to make her spend her last few days, even though I'm totally, I think, I think she's totally valid and feeling like hurt and offended. Yes. Yes. So I think the answer probably is, yes, you have a right to be really hurt and offended. But no, there's nothing you can really do about it. because I don't think you can go unless her husband,

who she's there to support him, right? And not to mention, after 10 years, she probably has some grief feelings about losing her mother-in-law. Yeah, for sure. There's a grief there for her where she's going to, what is she going to have to like get to the end of the line and like wait online to go comfort her own husband

and like his family and then like walk down the line and give them each a hug and then get back in the car, go home and wait for him at home. I guess that's what. Yeah. I think it's like, I think you're right. It's about for, in some ways, it's about her being there for her husband. So I think like the rage part of her that's like, I'm taking all these PTO days, spending three weeks, taking all my, you know, all my vacation days to go like to this place.

I would think of it is more like I'm taking those days to support my husband. Right. And I think that part of it will make you feel better about that aspect of it. I think the other aspect that's hard to get around is my mother-in-law doesn't think we're as close as I thought we were. Yes. I yes I agree and I think you have to prioritize him being there for him and his grief and yes not starting a fight with her before she dies but it is very offensive that this is like her dying wish to like exclude all the other significant others um I if I'm looking at what's going on there on the other side right if we're just going to look at it if you're putting yourself in her shoes right sure I think a lot of one there's like one single single single. sibling, right? So that single sibling isn't going to have anyone like standing next to her. And we don't know what is going on behind the scenes about that. So this mother, I'm a mother and I could see there is

always this feeling of like you don't want to have like, you know, your one child that feels like is getting less than or is going to have a harder time or is going to get less support. So I think it is a mother's tendency sometimes to artificially try to level the playing field by like removing the other significant others so that the one who's single doesn't have to feel like they're standing alone. Maybe it's not as personal as she's taking it. Yeah. So that's what I think on many levels, my hunches, this is not personal. This is so deep and complicated that I'm not really sure, but there could just be something around the,

mom sort of artificially trying to manipulate, like, that they are going to lean on each other instead of their significant others, like wanting this to be a way to bring her children, because I get that, right? The worst thing, and one of the worst, speaking of, like, unpleasant sounds, one of the most unpleasant sounds in my house is when my kids are, like, bickering with each other and not getting along. And why? because it makes me feel like, oh, wow, like, what if they're not close when they get older?

What if they're mean or they turn out to be mean people? Or why did she say, shut up to him? That's really not a nice way to talk. And what type of girl is she turned? Like all these narratives around what it means to have, like, discord between your kids. And I think it is sort of a deeper existential fear that maybe she wants to artificially, like, bring her nuclear family together in this way. at the end of her life where they are like all leaning on each other.

And I get it. And I think there is something to be said that sometimes significant others, depending on all their relationships, it's not the same as when you're back with your own little family and like having conversations that maybe other people aren't aware of or maybe some of the siblings would want to express themselves in a way that wouldn't feel as comfortable with the significant others around. So I get the idea of trying to find an avenue for the significant other, I mean,

for the nuclear family to kind of have like some time alone. Doing it like at the funeral and the calling hours, which are kind of by nature supposed to be community support, that feels offensive. I think she could have done it in another way, which is like maybe you guys can all like spend a night together and, you know, without your significant others and just, you know, have those, have that time to grieve. Or even explaining it if that was the case, explaining it to the daughter-in-law. Yes. And again, maybe she's not as concerned with what anyone, if anyone gives a fuck about anything because she's like, like, I get to call the shots here. Right. I don't need to like explain myself. This is my, whatever. That's possible that why she wouldn't be doing this.

But yeah, I agree with you. Both things can be true. This can be extremely offensive and you might just have to eat it. Yes, this is almost like all of the mother-in-law, son-in-law issues, like boiled down into the mother-in-law being like, I have an ace in the hole. I have a power play here and I would like to have, I would like to remove the significant others for this one moment and I can play that card. Yeah. You know, at least it wasn't both of you. Like she didn't include the engaged one too, which is all I think also. I'm not as offensive because you've been this person for 10 years.

But I think it does make it feel a little bit less personal. Totally. I definitely think this is triggering. I would definitely be triggered, but I don't know that it's personal. I think it might just be like this dying wish for her children to have like to just be supporting each other, like unconditionally kind of going back to the way that it was before anyone had any significant others. That's her dying wish. I don't think the dying wish is to exclude them. I think the dying wish is to like come back to that home base of like the nuclear family. But that being said, I would be very offended if I was in this situation. I think

there's a lot of better ways that she could have gone about this, sent them on a little vacation alone together or said, I want you guys to spend a day to something other than. Right. Or even told the daughter-in-law, like this is my thought process. Right. Yeah. It is really interesting that this is like, if you take any of these, you know, vacations and who's invited and like wanting your, you know, the son to come over and change the light bulb, even though she could do it herself, like all these things that we hear about these mother-in-law, daughter-in-law things, like this is the existential deep threat, I think that comes down to it. It's like, I kind of long for that nostalgic time. when it was just me and my kids. Yes. My dying wish is for you to not be at my funeral. That is a, I'll give it, I'll give it like a seven and a half.

Yeah, I was going to say seven. Yeah, I get it, 10 years and she has her own grief and she's, yeah, I definitely. She's there taking care. Right. It's not like she's like, you know, they, she isn't very little to do with her. Yes, even eight. I'm going to bump it up to an eight. I'll give it a eight.

She was there for three weeks taking care of her. Yeah. That's true. She's very, like, she could, if she really, if she really, if the mother-in-law really wanted her to not, I think she should say, like, don't, you don't, you don't, and she doesn't. Don't use your time. Right. Don't use your time.

Like something. I just want to be with my son. Maybe this is a long game revenge plan over something you did 10 years ago. I do not know, but definitely triggered, validated for sure. All right. Let's do another one. Okay. Another mother-in-law issue.

They're, uh, they're rampant today. Something in the air. Last year, Thanksgiving, my mother-in-law pulled me aside and showed me a small electronic facial toning device used to slim the appearance of one's face. She raved about it and offered to buy me one. I politely declined. She sent me the link after. Fast forward to this week.

Over one year later, she was visiting us. She cornered me while I was doing laundry. She said she had purchased something recently and wanted to show it to me as I might be interested in it. Sound familiar? In her hand was the same facial toning device. She said she had purchased it recently and was a little. really impressed by the results. I politely told her she had already shared this with me last year.

She responded, no, it's a device she had just come across and wanted to recommend it. I politely but firmly said I was trying to reduce the amount of things in my home and continue to do the laundry. She pressed yet again that I should look at it. At that point, I had had had it and I currently responded that I wasn't interested and walked away. She later complained to my husband that I had treated her so poorly like she was a stranger trying to sell me something on the street. I told him I'd let it slide the first time. She clearly believes my face needs slimming. I tried to decline politely multiple times and she couldn't, and she wouldn't drop it. She knows I'm sensitive to weight talk and her behavior was hurtful. He thinks she didn't mean anything by it.

She was simply trying to connect with me and is probably recommending it to everyone. And he doesn't think my face needs any slimming. How triggered should I be? Puffy face fetch. Also additional background. She remembers the most minor details constantly. There's no way she didn't remember recommending it before. There's a chance it was a newer model of the same device. We live a very active and balanced lifestyle, yet she is constantly making comments about my husband's weight, diet, and how much sugar is in the snacks in our house. A couple of years ago, she nearly ordered us an elliptical exercise machine as a housewarming gift before my father-in-law prompted her to ask if we even wanted one first. We did not, had never expressed interest in it and have a

very small home with no logical place for it. Oh, yeah. I'm glad she gave the additional information. helpful. Yeah, because originally I was going to say, look, she probably just, you know, uses this type of thing. She thinks like, what woman wouldn't want like a slimmer face? Right. Um, nothing personal and just is trying to maybe, like he said, connect with you on some girly thing. Yeah. But with the additional info about like the elliptical and the sugary snacks and the comments. Right. And I have a hunch that if she's talking about your husband's weight, she might be talking about your weight behind your back. Yeah. Like, I think that that's not, I'm not trying to put intrusive thoughts in our head, but usually someone who's talking about

someone's weight is thinking about everyone's weight. And again, I think that has more to do with her than it does with you, but it could still be annoying and like validating that yes, maybe the, the facial toning device was an implication that she needs to look better or something. Yes. Yes. Yeah, I see this is triggering. It actually, it makes me think, which I think is an issue that a lot of people take personally. But in families, there is like a whole culture around like body image and weight that is just part of their culture. Like when you marry into a family or even your own family probably has like a way of handling bodies and body image and talking about food and. weight and exercise and all the things that you take it personally, but I do wonder if she's doing

that to her own husband. She's obviously doing it to her own son. She probably would do it to, it's just like a lot of people, you're in this bubble of like weight and body consciousness that you don't even realize when you're in it that like not everyone is drinking that Kool-Aid. Like not everyone wants to be skinny. Not everyone wants to like cares about having like a toned jawline. Like you're some people are just in this cultural bubble of like that's just a big part of the conversation in their home. And then when you marry into that, it's sort of like, you know, as if you're marrying into a family that like praise five times a day where you're like, why are you talking about this constantly? It's not my thing.

Right. And like a lack of self, like of awareness. Yes. And I think some people are like I would venture to guess that his mom was somehow raised in that climate or culture where people were commenting on her body and her weight. And she probably doesn't even realize that she's like so wrapped up in this. And if her family members are doing it and her parents did it to her and maybe her siblings do it, it's like sometimes you don't even realize how unhealthy.

that is, you're just almost like absorbed in it to the point where you don't even realize. So I'm not giving her a pass because this is annoying. I agree. Especially the pushing of it. I don't necessarily think it's personal to her. Yeah, maybe she does have feelings about your weight, but she probably has feelings about her own weight. Right. Or her husband's weight. She certainly has feelings about her son's weight. But yeah, the pushiness. That's the part where I'm kind of glad that she drew the line. And maybe sometimes you do have to be a little harsh after someone's pushing something three times. At some point, you have to get a little, you have to give them a little. Right.

Even if it does mean you won't be invited to her funeral. That time, 10 years ago, and I offered you the facial toner. Yeah, no, I totally agree. I would think of it as like, they're weird, this family's weird complex. Yes. annoying, but I think she set her boundary. And because it works. Without the context, I could just be like, sometimes you just get something and you really

love it and you like want to tell everyone about it. Yes. And you're so excited about it. And I think like that is less, that's like a little annoying but less triggering. But I do think the context bumps it up. I would give it like a six. Yeah. I'll say, I'll give it a six too just because she was so persistent.

And I hope that now that you gave her a little. snap back that she will stop pushing. And honestly, sometimes that has to happen with when you're combining these two different women that have two different ways of interacting. Like, I've probably, I mean, I've been married for 16 years. So if I think back to like my first year of marriage, there were probably interactions that I had with my mother-in-law that set the tone. Right. Of like, I don't like this conversation. And I'm, you know, I try to do it nicely. But if there's like a pushiness. Eventually you have to like start to set the tone for the type of relationship that you want to have. So I think hopefully she'll get the hint and stop suggesting these things.

But yeah, totally validated that the pushiness of it. If she would have mentioned it one time, mentioned it again a year later, I probably give it like a four. She mentioned it, she mentions it once a year. It's annoying, but not the end of the world. But if she says, said, like, I don't want it. And then she continues pushing after the third time. That's right. It's like almost harassing at that way. Yeah. That's when you need to send a message. Yeah. Yep. So hopefully she will not bring up this. If she brings up this machine again, please write in. And we will, we'll unleash. Yes. We'll go forward. Let us keep us updated. We did it. All right. That's our time. Great work today.

Oversharing is produced by Rebecca Steinberg. Editing by Will Maxwell. Guest booking by Ali Friedlander. Be sure to follow us on Instagram and everything's fine. And send your advice emails to oversharing at betches.com or leave us a voicemail at 646363-6294. Betches.