Oversharing - Can A Relationship Survive Infidelity?

Episode Date: August 1, 2023

We need a nap. Jordana and Dr. Naomi start with a chat about the misery of losing sleep when and how frustrating it can be when you can’t figure out why. They also talk about the new Golden Bachelor and share why they’re so excited to see this version of the show. Then a listener writes in to ask if she’ll ever be able to move forward with her partner after he admitted to having an affair (and told her on vacation, of all places). Dr. Naomi gives some insights into how couples can heal after cheating takes place, and why it can sometimes be a turning point in a lasting relationship. The “Betch-assist” question comes from a listener whose partner chooses to offer financial support for his sister. Is it okay to ask him to stop giving her money after the couple gets married and their finances merge? They respond to a request for intentions from an emailer who doesn’t like giving her boyfriend space when he’s in a bad mood. Finally, they rate some Triggered scenarios about stolen leftover pizza and a MIL’s unwanted home design comments. Check out our latest promo codes here: https://betches.com/promos Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

A quick note before we get into the episode, Oversharing is a podcast for entertainment purposes only. It is not a medical podcast and does not constitute medical or psychological advice. Always seek the advice of your physician or mental health professional. Hello and welcome to Oversharing. I'm Jordana Abraham. And I'm Dr. Naomi Bernstein. How's it going?

I am like in a mood because I haven't been sleeping well. I just like, oh no. You know when you're just like there's no reason you should. I didn't be sleeping well. Like, I don't have anything super early. I, like, have plenty of time to wind down. It's just not happening for me. It's making me very irritated in the moment.

And then the next day when I'm just, like, underslept. You're feeling irritable this morning. I'm feeling a tad irritable, yes. I don't know if you've picked up on it. I think Sean might have picked up on it a minute ago. I'm like, all right, let's go. Yeah. You know what?

sometimes the worst thing is like when you can't sleep but there you literally can't figure out why like sometimes it's like okay i'm stressed about this thing or like you know like i said a few weeks ago i took some kind of a steroid thing for something and i'm like okay this is why i'm not sleeping but when it feels like it's just literally out of nowhere for no reason at all it's a little bit harder to you know wrap your right around because it feels like this bomb could just be dropped this like sleepless night bomb could just be dropped on you at any time yeah and then it's just like the whole it's not just that when you're just like suffering, like tossing and turning. But then it's like the whole next day.

So I'll challenge you on that because like is it really the whole next day? What are you actually feeling? Because a lot of times I'll tell people with sleep like what makes it worse is you anticipating that tomorrow's going to be terrible. But like, I don't know. Okay. So you snapped at the producer a little bit when we were signing on to the episode. Okay.

That's one negative moment. But like what is really so bad about right now? Like what feels terrible right now? I think it's like this cumulative thing where it's like one night of bad sleep is fine, but it's been like a week of bad sleep. And then I'm like now I'm not only like anxious about the fact that I am underslept, but also a fear of not being able to sleep tonight. Yes, totally.

It's so true. I always, I liken it to erectile dysfunction. a lot of times where it's like... I don't know what that's like for myself personally, but... No, but it's like this idea that once you have a failure, then you're like thinking about the next failure, so you're not just relaxing and enjoying being in your cozy bed. You're thinking about what if it doesn't happen.

And then that makes you anxious and then it makes it not happen. And then you're like, okay, now I've had another bad night. So it's like this mind-body connection in real. time. Like your mind is working up your body and then your body is then some it doesn't go the way you want it to. And then that's like proving your point that you should be worried about it. And then you worry more about it. But that's why I'm asking like what's really a week of not sleeping. I'll give you that. That's a lot. That kind of is is hard. But like if you really break it down like right now, we're chatting. We're doing our thing. Yeah. Now's fine. Now's fine.

And maybe, you know, the next few minutes will be fine. And then you'll have a moment later where you're like, oh, my God, I can't keep my eyes open. Or I just snapped at somebody. And I'm sorry. But if you can just go through today and kind of be like, okay, I've had a week. This is like the worst, right? Today is like after a week of not sleeping well.

If you can recognize, okay, there's like one bad moment and then I'm okay. There's another bad moment, but then I'm like kind of okay. Maybe tonight when you're falling asleep, you're like, all right, if it happens again, And what was it really? It was five bad moments. Right. And that's a good way to look at it. Very optimistic.

Yeah. Or just real, it's realistic, really, if you're not like using your imagination to write out a story that's not even happening, which is like the whole day

is going to be terrible. Right. No, it's been like fine so far. I'm just, you feel like you're running sub optimally. But some weeks are just like that. Maybe next week will be better.

And I mean, there's so, the annoying thing is this like, There's all these, like, tips about how to sleep better and stuff like that. And then when you're trying them and they're not working, it's been more. It's like a hub. I'm doing the deep breathing of, like, just focusing on my breath. And, like, I got up and, like, moved around and then came back.

Like, God damn, deep breathing. Right. I avoided the picking up the phone when I was bored. It's just like, I hear you. But I'll be fine. This will be a good episode. Don't worry, listeners. I would really try this, okay?

try doing the work today during the day where you're like, let me see how bad the ramifications of not sleeping really are. Like let me actually just like experience my day today. And the reality of what does this actually look like? Because then when you lie down to sleep and the fear is like, okay, four hours left, three hours left, two hours left. And then it's like tomorrow's going to be terrible. If you look at today and it really doesn't end up being that bad, then maybe when you're sleeping or trying to sleep and you can't tonight, you can be like, all right, I'm lying in this quiet room. I have nothing to do. I have no chores that I have to take care of. I have no thing, no stressors in this moment. I can just lie here in my cozy bed. That's why I love like, you know, nice sheets and

cozy pillows so you could just kind of like sink in and be like right now's not so bad and you know what tomorrow's not going to be that bad because I paid attention to what today was like and it wasn't that bad that it's worth me right stressing myself out all night over and then maybe that creates it to be like you'd fall asleep because you're getting rid of the stress factor yeah not caring so much okay I don't care if I fall asleep or not because tomorrow's going to be not amazing but it's not going to be the worst thing and so like I don't if I fall asleep great if not not I'll be okay. And just like giving yourself that break might make you feel a little better.

But yeah, I mean, all that being said, I validate it. I like my sleep. I'm a big nap fan, as you know. Maybe I'll take a nap after this. Yeah, take a nap. But it's like, that's another thing. It's like you have to be like, I'm not even, like, do you know what I mean? It's not even like I could fall asleep at any moment.

Like, it's this feel. You do what I mean? It's like, I'm not like tired, but I am tired. Like my body is tired, but my like mind is. not tired if that makes sense. Right. Well, maybe sometimes the nap I think might sometimes be good because there's no pressure to fall asleep. Right. You could just lie there and see what happens. Like, I'm just going to lie here and like close my eyes and see what happens. And I have a feeling if you take the pressure off, you might fall asleep for a little bit. Yeah. Set an alarm,

though, because if you haven't slept in a week, you might end up waking up like 5 a.m. Yeah. So you were talking also about Golden Bachelor. Yes. I've been really looking forward to this, like, too much. I used to watch The Bachelor a lot, like years and years ago. And then I got so sick of the formula and all of that. And same. I haven't watched in a while. And took a break. I mean, I love, I love the show as a social experiment, like as a psychologist, just like seeing how everything's planted in such a way to like exacerbate this feeling of attachment and love and desire. And it's just like psychologically manipulate people. Yeah. But it really, and I always use it as an example of like people in dating and like saying what you want on like the second date because I think it just speeds up the whole process and lets everybody know where you are and not playing games.

And I love the fact that nobody on there is like playing games and not texting each other back. Like everyone's, I mean except The Bachelor, but like, you know, usually they're pretty up. I just love the whole concept and this concept of Golden Bachelor. I couldn't wait. So they released the picture. Yes. Or they released who he is. I was expecting like a older looking guy.

And he looks great. He's 71. He's like got hair. It's not gray. He's nice and tan. No, he's pretty hot. Yeah. I would say.

Pretty hot for a 71 year old. Yeah. So I'm torn on it because on the one hand, I'm like, let's show some realistic aging. But on the flip side, like, it gives. It gives people hope of like how vibrant you can be. Right. I mean, it's still TV. So like you still need hot people on TV.

Yeah. But I'm interested to see more about what the contestants look like. What is the minimum age that you need to be? I don't know. I was looking at this a little bit because I am kind of fascinated by it. I think it's like 60 plus maybe. Okay. And he's 71.

So. I mean, there is a feeling that a 71 year old guy who look like this like could be with like a 40 year old woman. Yes. totally. It's sort of like the annoying thing. If he had money too, that would probably help the situation. Yeah, that is that is true. But I think he probably wants to find someone that's like, I mean, for him, a 60 year old

woman is like robbing the cradle. He's 10 years younger. That's pretty young. That's a pretty big age difference, I think. I guess. I feel like they have those same age differences though on like the regular bachelor. Like there's always like the bachelor's like 33 and there's like a 23 year old on there. That's very true.

That's true too. But sometimes they don't pick that person because they're kind of like, right, I want someone who's similar like, you know, to me and demographic or whatever it is. Oh, it's 65, I think that's the minimum. 65, okay. Do you think that there's a maturity level difference between a 41 year old and a 61 year old? Well, that's what I'm so curious about is to see in the house if these women with 40 more years of life experience are more mature.

And that's what I'm most excited to see. If the way that they handle the dynamic is different after having lived for 40 years and maybe being a little bit less self-conscious, like I think the thing with the bachelor at contestants is they're so self-conscious or either that or they're the one that's like not self-conscious at all and then everyone hates them for it. Right. I don't know. I'm really curious to see how age affects like a group.

of women dynamic because you don't often get to see that. Right. And you assume these women already have like either kids or maybe even grandkids. Right. Like will that change their, you know, sense of self or security or like how they're looking at this whole thing? And are they also? The other thing about The Bachelor and I think a reason that maybe it's gotten worse over the years is that now it sort of feels like a, most people are just on there to get famous and to get like Instagram followers and doesn't really feel like you're like involved in this like cool little like love social experiment. But I would imagine these 65 year old plus women and men, I guess, there just feels like is that

their aim? Are they trying to get famous like in their 60s? Is that like why they're here? It feels like it might be a little bit more purely intentioned. You know what I mean? Like they're not kind of like, this is my path to never have to work in my life because they've probably worked already. Most of your life is already over. So that ship is sale. Exactly. There's so many new dynamics. I'm really, really excited for this just to see, like psychologically, I find the whole concept fascinating, but this adds a new layer of that. Like, I don't need this person to pursue my dream of becoming a mother and a wife or whatever it is that you're looking for. Like sometimes that keeps people very, you know, at that stage in life,

like, oh, I'll never find someone to fall in love with. Like they've probably fell in love. They most of them, I'm sure, like you said, have children. So I'm very curious to see how that changes like the intensity of it or the catiness or the, I can't wait. When is it supposed to come out? September 1st. September 1st. Yeah. All right.

We'll check it out. If we both watch it, it'll be a fun. We'll recap. Yeah. Yeah. It'll be fun. I love it. Anyway, I just found it interesting that he, I guess you kind of sounds like you were like what did not expect anything less than like.

I would say I wasn't expecting. to change the norms of television, which are that like usually attractive people, they try to recruit. Right. Attractive people. Yeah. For some reason, I was picturing like grandma. You wanted everyone to just be like old and wrinkly and like...

Like in a big long nighty with flowers on it. Why are you at my door? It's after nine. I'm not going. I'm not going out after nine. You want some tuna fish? It's not that. Yeah, I don't know if that has the sex appeal of The Bachelor franchise.

These, these ways. I'm excited to see the women. They're going to give everyone, including myself, some hope that we can still look amazing in our 60s and 70s. I'm excited to see the date cards. Would you go for dinner with me at 5 p.m.? Yeah. Are they still going to go like bungee jumping? I don't know. What's an age appropriate? Will you come so come knit a new sweater for my grandchild with me. Yeah. Come with me to get a mammogram. Well, speaking of relationships, we have a lot of relationship-based emails today. But let's get right into it. You ready?

Let's dive in. I'll read the first one. If you guys have a voicemail you want to leave us, you can call 646363-6294, or you can email at oversharing at betches.com. I'll read the first email. Jordana and Dr. Naomi. First, I want to say that this podcast has become one that I can't go a week without. Thank you.

Your insight and conversations are so valuable. and I'm so grateful you guys are doing this. I'm in a situation now and I need your help. Last week, I found out my boyfriend who I live with of two years, had an affair with a married woman at work. He's male 30. I'm female 27. He told me the night before we were supposed to leave for a huge trip.

So here I am now in a different country, heartbroken and confused. Interesting timing. Okay. Oh, God. He says it was only physical, not emotional, and came about because he was in the lowest place in his life. He says, I mean everything to him that he's, He regrets it, wants to be with me, and will do anything to prove to me he'll be better.

He says they slept together four times over four months, that it meant nothing and that he cut off because he just couldn't do that to me anymore. I had no idea. I know that I'm not in a place mentally right now to make any final decisions on where to go from here, but I need your guidance. He is the person I trusted most, made me feel safest and can't imagine my life without. This is a huge shock that I still can't understand. If I stay and try to work through this, am I just allowing bad behavior and accepting something

I do not deserve. Dr. Naomi, is it possible for me to mean everything to him if he was able to betray me? Jordana, how did you cope with betrayals in your past? Your wisdom is much appreciated alone abroad. Oh, I feel really sad for her that she's like a way doing this, like on a trip and feeling this way. What a weird time. This is the kind of conversation you have at the end of the trip.

I know. I think most, if he would have consulted the group chat, they probably would have advised him to do this after at the end of the trip. Right. Not the beginning, because then it's like paying a lot of money to be very miserable. Totally. However, so what I was going to say to her is I do a lot of couples therapy and a lot of my couples are recovering from affairs because that's what brings a lot of people into therapy. So I do have a lot of thoughts on this. And I think one of the things that is a good sign if she does choose to stay and work on it is that he told her that she didn't find out she didn't nobody else you know that he came forward and told her that's the first step in

recovering from any affair is total well the first step is cut in contact with your other person right um and if he's coming says he did yeah so cut in contact and then full transparency so the fact that she's if she would have found this out on her own went through his phone or in some other way found this out it kind of makes it hard to believe that going forward the person really wants to be honest and wants to like cleanse their soul and it makes it seem like they're more just like cutting damages and saying what they need to say to make it better so the fact that he told her and even the fact that he told her before the trip i mean we're laughing about it and saying how stupid it was, but I do think that it shows that maybe he didn't want to create more

memories with her with this like, like, false sense of, yes, feel like everything was not real. Right. Because when she looks back at that trip, I mean, I'm sure this isn't going to be the best trip of their lives if they stay together. But I do give him some credit for telling her and telling her the second he decided to tell her because for her, I think it gives her the security of like he's doing this on purpose

because he wants to save the relationship. Like he's telling me. He could have just cut it off, never told her, moved on as if nothing happened. And that would be like the worst case scenario because he's not, it shows that he's uncomfortable moving forward in a lie. And I think a lot of the times with these things, and I've never, to my knowledge, been cheated on. So I can't like fully, you know, it's hard to put myself fully in her position or say like what

the right thing to do or what she should do or what this person deserves or whatever that is. But I do think, I agree with you, it's a lot more about how the person handles what they've done and then almost what they've done. And obviously what they've done is important. This is a huge betrayal. It's like hard to trust someone. You had an agreement with someone that you would be monogamous and they didn't do that. I think that's very heartbreaking.

But I also think just like anything else that there's that's a betrayal or something that someone's done wrong, it's so much more about how you handle when you've made a mistake than the mistake itself a lot of the time. I mean, I guess I don't want to say there's a blanket statement because I guess the range of mistakes could be very wide. But generally speaking, I think that like it's much more about how you handle it. I couldn't agree more. I think you hit the nail on the head and it's not going to be easy. So that's why people don't handle it well on the back end because what? needs to happen is hard. And the first one is if she needs it or she wants it, she needs to,

you know, have access to his text messages if she wants to see his text messages. He needs to have full transparency. She gets to ask questions that she wants to know the answer to. I would be careful there in terms of what you actually want to know the answer to with too much detail. But this beginning process where they're at right now and it might even be, okay, they're away together. They have seven days or however long they're away for. Interrupted, right. Uninterrupted to do the beginning of this is the hardest. It does get easier, but not easy.

And I have couples where there was an affair 20 years earlier and someone gets triggered by something and you have to kind of have a refresher course and all of this. But if you do it well in the beginning, so like you said, the way he handles it, if he's completely honest, like his word is gold from this point forward, that's going to make a big difference. If he's totally open to her asking the same questions over and over again when he starts to get frustrated and annoyed with her crying randomly out of nowhere. And he's kind of like, oh my gosh, am I, are we ever going to, are you ever going to get over this? Which is a common thing that happens where the person who cheated for the first like two weeks, they're great, they're open, they're kind.

they want to hear, they're apologetic, they do all the things, they say all the things. And then after two weeks, when the hurt partner isn't better, then they start to feel like, oh my gosh, am I going to have to do this for the rest of my life? Like, when are you going to get over it? So that's when the whole like, how do you handle it piece really starts to become. Important is he's still listening to you when you are upset or crying about this six months down the road. Is he still patient and kind and apologetic and warm and loving when you haven't stopped crying for a month or whatever it is. That's really the hard part. Is he okay with answering the detailed questions? And if he can, my recommendation is always like, ask the questions in the beginning, get all the

information that you think you need to have and then you don't have to continue to uncover things piecemeal throughout the course of the next year if you decide to stay together. Yeah, I think that's a great point the way he handles. Also, I mean, she says he was going through like the lowest point of his life or something when he did this. So I think for her, it would probably be really helpful and important to understand. What does that mean to him? How is he working through that? How is he going to make sure that at another point in his life? This isn't like a pattern that he would go back to. And I think if she does decide to say, I agree like the couples therapy thing, but not not just to understand why he did this to you, but why he did this at all. And I think a lot of these times, they're not really about. the partner, they're about the person themselves. Yep. Totally. Is what I've read and I've seen as a regards to like, in regards to indifidelity. Mostly about like someone's own issue with themselves.

Right. Their issue with their partner. Yes. I agree. I think a lot of times there are underlying issues. And that. So to answer her question, can she trust him again? Can I don't know exactly what the question was, but like, is it possible for, she says,

is it possible for her to mean everything to him? Like he's saying you mean everything to me while still being able to betray her is her question. Right. Yeah. I mean, I do think I have seen couples and people don't like to hear this, but I do often find that sometimes relationships come out stronger on the other side of things like this because it forces you to talk about all this stuff that you've been avoiding for however long you've been together. Because a lot of times, yes, I agree with you that sometimes it's the issue of the chief. or self-esteem or how you grew up or, you know, needing affection or, you know, whatever their own issues are. But I do think a lot of times it's about not being able to fully express your needs

or feel like you're communicating openly in the relationship and then you're holding back. And so a lot of times an affair because it's like an emergency situation and you do go to therapy or you do start talking a little bit more is one of these situations where you can have a better relationship on the other side of it. Yeah, I could totally see that. I think that's kind of like anything that you work through, right? That's like an issue. If you do it the right way, you could be stronger on the other end. Again, like I have a lot of experience with helping people recover from an affair. And there are these patterns that happen that are unexpected and difficult, but also sometimes, and you don't want to admit it because you don't want to kind of be like,

oh, well, if you didn't have this affair, we'd never have this type of relationship because you don't want to make it seem like there's a silver lining to someone cheating on you. Right. But I do find that sometimes, like, it rekindles in some way, like, an appreciation or a gratitude. Like, I've had a lot of couples that experience, like, this sexual reconnection after an affair that they didn't have before because they're just kind of like the idea of having someone taken away from you makes you just so much more appreciative of their presence. and then the sex ends up being more like loving and romantic and like I'm really like feeling you and seeing you and, you know, like experiencing you with like a kind of a scarcity mindset.

Whereas like you almost were gone and now you're here. I don't think that that's going to that in and of itself heals it, but that sometimes happens in conjunction with therapy because you're sort of like I'm really getting to know you now. Like you're now telling me things that whatever it is, like, you. you said, the why or the underlying issue of why he did this, if he's being vulnerable and opening up to her about that now, which he's not going to just, a lot of people are not just randomly on a Tuesday night, it's going to be like, oh, by the way, so I have this insecurity about this thing. My inner child is telling me that thing. And that's why, you know, I'm having these weird feel. Like, a lot of times it takes something like this to bring that out and that deep emotional intimacy

that comes from these type of things can really bring a couple closer. So I think the fact that he told you first is you're off to a good start if you decide to work on this. And she says if she does work through this, she's in my allowing bad behavior and accepting something I don't deserve. And I think if she were just going to say, all right, it's fine, don't do it again. Yeah, that would be that. But I don't think either of us are suggesting that she do that.

I don't think agreeing to stay with someone is accepting bad behavior if it's done. in the right way and you do the work. Yes. And I think she can take that thought and tweak it and say, like, if he didn't tell me first, if he didn't cut off all contact with this person, if he didn't openly show me his phone when I'm feeling insecure and express sincere remorse, and if he, you know, if he didn't sit with me patiently while I grieved, you know, the trust that I had for him, then I would be a fool for staying in this relationship. Or then I would be, whatever she's afraid of. So I think if you can rephrase it like that,

it makes it feel like, you know, I do have expectations and he is doing all the right things. And so therefore, not only am I not crazy for staying, but maybe we can be stronger because of it. Right. And then also, on the other hand, which we haven't really discussed this option, if it's too much of a betrayal for her to handle.

Yes. She, you know, doesn't think she can get over it. She doesn't think she can ever trust him again. It's also okay to move on. Totally. So yeah, you're right. I mean, this is all that she, you know, assuming that she wants to make it work. And I do think there is a lot of shame sometimes and staying.

And then you kind of don't tell your friends and you don't tell your family. And that feels really isolating because you don't want to be judged for staying. And so I, you know, I wanted to address that end first. Like it is okay to work on it. But I agree with you. If you just feel like now I know that you are capable of this. Right. Which is a tough pill to swallow.

it is also, I agree, okay, to say, I'm young, we don't have kids together. And even if you did, this is going to be a lot of work. Right. And I don't really feel like I could start fresh with someone new who's never cheated on me and not have to do all this work. So I agree with that. Yeah. I think only she knows how worth it would be to stay. And the other option is you might need to try for a little while and see.

And then you might find out like, this is too much work. Like I keep having, you know, it's been six months and still when he goes out with his friends and every time he doesn't answer his phone, I'm riddled with anxiety. And I just, it's just too much work for me. You know, so it might take some time to see if it's tolerable or not. All right. Let's do a betch assist. It's funny.

I feel like when people submit these, they always write betch one word and an assist is the next. Oh, when we're, yeah. A betch assist. Oh, I never thought about it like that. Yeah. That's not the way. We intended it. We intended this segment as like an ethic, like an ethicist, like an ethical thing.

Okay. But we're assisting, I guess. So it works that way. But I think when you hear it, you probably, sometimes you probably hear. Betch assist. Yeah. But it's meant to be a Bechie version of an ethicist. Right.

Ethical dilemma. Okay. Let's hear her ethical dilemma here. Judana and Dr. Naomi, love this pod. I come from a blended family of half siblings. I love my big sister so much and see so much of myself in your relationship. keep up the good work. Now to my problem. My boyfriend of three and a half years is an amazing man. I'm

super happy and excited for the future in our relationship. We live together, have a dog and have been ring shopping and will hopefully be engaged this year. One problem. His twin sister. They aren't extremely close and we don't see her often, but my boyfriend feels this weird paternal responsibility for her financially. They had a hard upbringing, lost a parent very young, didn't have much money, etc. And my boyfriend has really worked through it and come out on top. He has a great job, healthy social life, great friends, a healthy lifestyle, et cetera. His sister's the opposite. She's a perpetual victim. She feels the world is out to get her. Nothing can ever go right. Always depressed, doesn't do anything to help herself or move on from their tough childhood. And it's exhausting.

She complains about everything, complains about how she's not close with their family, but never shows up to family functions. She's always invited to. She complains she's was broke, but lives far beyond her means with trips, cosmetic procedures, and more, all while asking my boyfriend to send her money for gas until her next paycheck. It makes me so angry and resentful. Right now we aren't married and have separate finances, but I'm concerned what this will look like when we do get married and combine things. I would certainly not be okay with him sending her money from our joint funds. We have a trip plan this fall to visit their brother at a college for a football game, think huge SEC school, fun tailgate, etc. My boyfriend really wants his whole family

to join and I think that's great. His dad, aunt's cousins at Moore are coming. His sister broke down saying she wants to come but can't afford the same things that we can. And my boyfriend wanted to cover her costs. I made it clear. I wasn't okay with that for so many reasons. And my boyfriend agreed she has a tendency to take advantage, but he doesn't want her to feel excluded. I also think it's crazy that she turns down all local family events, but suddenly it's dying to spend time with his family when it's a fun trip. We talked about it and agreed she could stay in the Airbnb for free since we would be paying for that anyway,

but she would need to cover her own travel costs, football game ticket, and other expenses, or so I thought. My boyfriend bought all three of our flights on his car during a travel sale. This was annoying as I told him to buy our flight and let her know which one to get herself, but I digress. I knew she likely wouldn't have the money, so I asked him if she paid him back in full, and he said yes.

I learned a few days later that he lied. She only sent him money for half the cost of an expensive plane ticket, and I'm so annoyed. I'm annoyed that he paid for her when she spends money irresponsibly and doesn't even attend local family events. But I'm so much more annoyed that he lied to me. When we get married, I would not want him giving her money at all. I am all for helping family and being there for each other,

but I can't get behind someone that's crying broke while getting cosmetic procedures and $30 martinis every weekend. When we're married, that money would be so much better suited in savings or for a kid's college fund. I'm worried that he will continue to send her money and lie about it after this initial lie. He said he lied because he knew I would be mad that he covered her and that since he's the one asking her to go on the trip, he feels like he should spot her until she's in a better spot financially.

He also says he feels badly that he's doing well and he knows she's jealous and doesn't want to make it worse, but I feel like that is her problem. I'm not sure I can trust him not to lie about stuff like this. Am I crazy or is this a really big deal? Do I need to just suck it up and let him support his sister even if it affects me? I would love any insight or advice, a bitter batch. This is an interesting one. Mm-hmm. I liked it. To me, it's almost more interesting that she is so upset about like the idea, because they have separate finances. Mm-hmm. And she's like extremely. concerned with how he's spending money on his sister. Even though they don't have combined finances,

she just doesn't want him paying for her like on principle. Yes. Which I find to be like, I think a little, little strange, like I get it. I get why you'd be like she clearly doesn't like her. Something bothers her about the sister. She doesn't like her. She doesn't like her. She doesn't think she should be entitled to this. But to me, it seems like a weird hill to die on when it's like she said, it's at this moment. It's not her money. If you were, using this money on a golfing habit that he had, which also could be better probably used for savings or whatever hypothetical thing she wanted him to put it towards. Like, would that bother her as much? Like, it doesn't seem like it's about like where the money could be going otherwise.

They don't even need to go on this trip. That sounds like an expensive trip that could be done otherwise. Like, this is something that's important to him. I kind of feel like she should back off. I agree it's kind of annoying that he lied to her. But I'm not. totally sure that she had a right to dictate how much he paid for his sister's ticket in the first place. But again, I also feel like if they were married, maybe this would be a different story. What do you think? I sort of agree with what you're saying. I think it's if he has the money, like you said, if it was a golf habit, it wouldn't bother her. What I think she's dealing with is like, this isn't fair. She's getting away with something that doesn't seem reasonable and that

her boyfriend who she loves is being taken advantage of. So I could see why this bothers her, but I also do agree that I think if she sets this precedent, he's doing this for a deeper reason. This isn't like he has, I think he has big emotional reasons why he's doing this. He feels bad for her. They're twins, right?

I'm sure there's been some kind of a jealousy thing between the two of them that has brewed over the years. And this is his way of feeling like he's able to even the score if he's gotten, for whatever reason, a better lot in an otherwise difficult situation. Like they lost a parent. They grew up with not a lot of money. And somehow he's come out with like happy with a girlfriend and a big group of

friends and a successful job. And I think he probably just feels badly for her. And I'm sure that dynamic has been probably something they've been. been dealing with their entire lives. So what I would say is, unless this gets to a point where it's really affecting you or affecting your relationship or down the road, your finances or your kids or how much money you guys are really able to save, I would look at this as like, yes, it feels unfair because like she's trying to drown her sorrows in $30 martinis and Botox or whatever it is that

she's getting. Underlyingly, she's depressed, right? And underlyingly, she's probably not well. The brother knows this. I get her perspective that like you're not helping her by enabling this behavior. So that might be a conversation to see if he's open to the idea that like maybe him giving her money is enabling her not to whatever it is that she should be doing, spend as much, you know, enabling her to spend money on things that aren't.

great, but I do think there's room for kind of like, she's obviously depressed, not doing well, has a very negative outlook and him not taking her on the trip or, you know, giving her money for gas. I don't think that that's going to snap her out of her whole lifestyle and like make her better. If you think it will, maybe that's something worth exploring that it's in her best interest for him not to give her money. But if it's just like this isn't fair, I would look at it in a way of like she doesn't sound that happy. Yeah. If taking this trip makes her happy and it makes him happy to see his sister enjoying

something rather than leaving her behind because she doesn't have a job that's as good as his, see it as like it's bringing him joy and giving him some relief to feel like he doesn't have the burden of like, I'm living this amazing life and I'm leaving my sister in the dust. If that takes something off of his plate emotionally, you're giving him the gift of that. by like leaving him alone about it. Right. Yeah. And I don't want to be like victim blaming her for being like, well, you're making him lie to you.

But like clearly I guess what you were just describing. And I think if she had heard that from him, like this is my sister. I feel like, you know, it makes me happy when she can come to things. I feel better. I feel less guilty, whatever it is, if he maybe explain that to her. And if he felt like he could tell her that he wants to pay it without her being mad, because now it feels like there's like a side situation. that I can, I mean, I can understand why he's kind of like, yeah, she paid me back and she didn't

because like he's, you know what I mean? He doesn't care. It's easier for him that way. I can understand why he would say that and feel like it was like a white lie and not something you need to know. And I think as long as his financial contributions to her aren't making it so you guys can't have a life that you want, which it seems like at this moment is not the case. Doesn't seem like she's holding him back from sending his future kids to college. or doing whatever other thing is in her mind. If it's not doing that, then at the end of the day, like, it's his money and he wants to spend it in that way. Or even if it was your combined money and he felt like there was a certain amount of money

that he could budget to doing things he wanted to make him feel good that didn't necessarily make any logical sense to you. Right. And it doesn't necessarily have to. I also think that's okay in a couple, even if it was something like a lot dumber than this. You know what I mean? Right.

Like I said, like the golf thing or he really like. like taking a weekend trip with his mom once a year and he pays for the trip and he likes that. Like if you like the mom, would you care? Like it's like you don't have to. I think with these kinds of things, it's like you don't have to necessarily agree that this is the best way to spend money. But I do think you could respect it. Totally.

I agree completely. I just think to validate her, I think what's upsetting her is that it just seems like this person is just a victim and a taker and just, you know, looking for handouts and not looking to change her life or not looking to work hard to do that. But it does sound like maybe there's some underlying depression that's making her stuck in whatever this life is. So I do think if there's a chance that you really feel like him giving her gas money or like taking her on this trip that that's really going to, you know, him stopping doing that is really going to save her life. And she's going to be so different because of it. Maybe that's worth figuring out. But I have a hunch

that that's not what this is. I also don't think she's going to be the one to, like change this dynamic. Yes. Like he has to want to change the dynamic. He doesn't feel taking advantage of it's his money. He doesn't feel taking advantage of he did. He would stop doing it. I agree. And I think that her setting herself up that like once we get married, this is going to stop is going to create a lot of problems because he's, I think he's obviously doing this because he has a deep emotional need to like make sure his sister's okay. So you just trying to lay the hammer down and force him because now you're married and it's your money too to like hold the burden of abandoning his sister. That's not going to go well. But I like the idea that you said like helping my sister

makes me feel good and I'd like to allocate $200 a month to helping my sister as part of our budget as a family because that makes me feel good. She's suffering from depression or whatever her issue is, whatever it is. I feel badly and that and I have the money to contribute to that and that I'd appreciate if you could support me in that. I agree. I think that would be nice. I wonder if you ever see, do you ever see this in therapy with like,

for some reason I thought of if you were marrying someone with kids and maybe they were like spoiling their kids? Yeah, or like even the ex-wife. I think sometimes there's a feeling of like, I've had couples where they're like, oh, like the ex-wife, whatever, didn't have money for this thing or she got a flat tire

and she didn't have anyone to call and she called me or, you know, I mean, that's a different situation. But like, yeah, I definitely see that. that with kids a lot where it's like, oh, you bought your daughter this thing and you didn't buy me this thing. Right. You know, parents sometimes too, you know, like you're sending money at your parents. I don't, you know, I think that there are these dynamics. And I think when you can have a conversation and understand why it's important to this person, to your partner to support their loved ones financially, like, what is it? And be curious. And maybe they'll come to it on their own.

actually this really isn't a healthy dynamic and I am being taken advantage of here. And I do want to disentangle from this because I don't think it's in their best interest. Great. Maybe you come to that. But if it's just like, look, this is where she is, she's not going to be, she's really not capable of earning more money. If this is a way of me treating her every now and then to a $30 martini that's going to, you know, make her feel fun and excited and whatever.

So, yeah, I think we both agree that it would be nice. not to brush it under the rug, but talk to him about it, find out why he's feeling this way, and then just let him have it if it makes him feel better about not outshining his sister. Yeah, I think you could say,

like, I don't like when you're lying to me. I would appreciate if you didn't lie to me about this kind of thing, because that's like a trust thing. But on the other hand, I'm also going to try to back off and let you do whatever you think is right in the situation

because it's your family. It's your, as of now anyway. It's your money. and like if I were her I would back off yeah I get it the lie doesn't feel good but I think you know if she had the conversation where she was like I've decided that I'm going to support you need to support your sister in some way I think the lies will stop immediately agree let's do some intentions all right I'll read these hi Jordana and dr. Naomi thank you so much for the wonderful guidance and advice you put into the world each week I regularly share with friends that I think your podcast will help basically all

and not one has complained yet look at that I'm right to you looking for an intention, I'm in a very happy relationship with my boyfriend of just under a year. We just got back from our first holiday together and had the best time. Naturally, we encountered some disagreements, but I was very proud of how we navigated them, and I feel it brought us closer to each other again. Is this the first emailer again? He's 27 and I'm 29. This is his first serious relationship and my first healthy one, so we are learning together along the way. However, I find that our way of handling our emotions is very different. When he isn't a bad mood or had a bad day or a form, he wants to be on his own. I'm the opposite. I don't necessarily want to talk about it, but I just want him to show up and be there,

even just for the sake of silent company. The reason for my email is this. On a night like tonight, he's had a bad day, and so have I. I'm upset because he hasn't made any effort to try to cheer me up, but I respect that he's dealing with its own things in his own way. I debated telling him it's something I struggle with, but I actually think it would be healthier for me to learn to accept this might happen sometimes and that it's okay. I'm looking for an intention to set that I can focus on and it will give me the ability to let him deal with things in the way that he sees fit. I want us both to be independent but also navigate life's tricky parts together. So while I do respect his boundaries, I find it hard to keep them.

If the intention could apply to all the things where you know what you should do but don't want to do it, that's even better. Thanks again for all you do. I'm a huge betches fan and new up subscriber and I'm looking forward to tomorrow already, writing it on a Monday. yours a betch who needs to bite her tongue p.s. emailing from Ireland fun oh I love that I could I could tell when I was reading this there were like some cute little non-American words yeah yeah well hello from Ireland you know I'm torn on this because on the I love the fact that she's kind of like I have to self-soothe here and I can't just like yank him into my world and force him to you know to do what I want him to do to help soothe me but I do think that

there might be room for some compromise where like maybe he doesn't want to talk but he doesn't have to like leave and go elsewhere like I think he could just say hey I'm not in a great place I'm not feeling great I really don't want to talk about it but like and and maybe even like okay I need to take an hour to myself or I'm going to go for a walk or a drive or whatever it is and I'll be back at such and such time like if this was a couple right what I would tell him is or both of them, you need to give him a space and he needs to tell you, hey, I want to process this on my own. I'll be back at 7.30. Right. I like that a lot because I used to have this kind of issue, I think, the beginning of dating Mike where, you know, if we got into a spat or if we were like

arguing, he would want to be on his own for a few hours. Just like, you know, he didn't want to sit there and talk it out necessarily. Or especially if he was mad at something I did. I think he's, he would want to like go and retreat and then like come back and be better. And I was kind of like, let's talk it out. Like I don't want to like go away from you and you're mad at me. And then my own anxiety is just make me like think about if you're ever coming back or like whatever you're thinking. So it definitely feels like really relatable. But I agree. I think this solution isn't that either person gets exactly right what they want here. Like I don't think he should be forced to to immediately talk through something that he's not ready to do, but I also don't think, like,

going away or, like, leaving the problem was something that was going to ever, like you said, like I would be like, oh, do I need to self-soothe? Or is he being unfair? Yes. And I think that, like, the more comfortable and I got in my relationship and the better I got it communicating, it became something where it's like I was able to share that my fear when he would, you know, retreat and not want to talk about it and just kind of like do his own thing and be like a little bit more distant would be like my fear is that like you're thinking of leaving forever. You're mad and you're no longer interested in this relationship and like I've ruined the whole thing and now I'm replaying all these things over and over my head and it's making

me feel terrible. And I think that once I relayed that to him, he could, you know, we came somewhere in the middle where he would say, I love you. You know, I'm not like never speaking to you again. I'm not like going to, I'm not going to leave you. I would just like, I'm going to like go. watch TV in the other room for an hour, and then we can talk about it. Yes. Yeah. Because he needs to know, like he probably didn't know that when he leaves, I'm sure, especially now that you're married, you're like, whatever, I know you have to come back. We have a legally binding document. You need a lawyer if you're going to be gone forever. Right. So marriage does help that idea of like, we have a fight and you're going to end the relationship, which is I think why people love marriage,

because it's sort of like, you can't leave just because of an argument or it would be very very difficult to do so. It feels safer. Yeah. So, but I think the fact that he probably didn't realize that he was leaving you with this deep sense of abandonment. I mean, he came from like a really healthy childhood. So he was probably like, of course, like I'm coming back.

Like I'm leaving and I'm coming back. And for you, it was sort of like, and for a lot of people, I think there's this feeling like you said of like, are you going to break up with me now because you're mad at me? So just expressing that and having him become aware of like, whoa, this is. to you, like you're really afraid of the whole relationship untangling and that he can give you that comfort in that moment is great. So I do think that I like the question. I don't think that she needs to deal with this entire thing by herself. I think she can go to him and say, look, this is, I know that when they're not fighting, like in a easy, breezy time, say,

when we have arguments, this is how I feel I would prefer for us to be together or like not arguments when we, like when we're both having a bad day on the same day. We're not feeling connected. Right. Like it's almost really what she means to say. Yes. Yes. Right.

Because that sometimes happens too where it's not even like you're fighting or it's not even like you're like something someone has done anything wrong, but you're just kind of like not vibing. Right. You're both kind of like in your own world thinking about your own stuff or whatever it is. So I think she could say what I would prefer is just to like be quiet in the same room together or like be quiet on the couch together. If you need to like actually physically be alone, I get that. I want to respect your boundaries. What would be helpful is if you said,

hey, I'm going to go be by myself for a little while. I had a bad day. I'll be home at nine o'clock. And then she can know, okay. And then the intentions that I wrote to help her are with that concept in mind of like, I'm alone right now, but I'm not going to be alone forever. Like I'm alone right now, but I know that he's going to be coming back. And this is great practice for me to kind of be like, I could deal with these feelings alone. The idea of I'm dealing with these feelings alone and he might never come back

or he might be so mad that he's, you know, leaving or I don't know how he feels like a little like what Mike did, I think was beautiful. I love you. I'm not going anywhere. Go watch some TV. And I'll be right back. It's like lovely because it's like he's helping to soothe you a little bit.

That's great. So I don't think she has to do this like an entirely solo process. I think intimacy is built in you letting him know why this is hard for you. Your example with Mike is perfect, and I hope she can use that to kind of get a little bit from him so it's not completely on her own. Yeah. And then I think the longer you're with someone, like you said, the safer, you feel maybe like you learn each other's things and it doesn't, it's easier to know that that's them,

that it's not, what they're doing is not symbolic of you or has nothing to do with you. Right. And if you can say to her, I have zero thoughts when I'm a lot. of like breaking up with you. Like that's not what I'm thinking about like at all. I think a lot of people, women specifically are very used to this feeling of like, I have an intense emotion and like the first thing you do is like find someone.

Yes. To talk to talk to about it. And I don't mean to be gender stereotypical and there are women that don't like to deal with things that way. But I think culturally women are more like communicators. And I think that does come from like a little bit of a little bit of a a brain structural thing where the verbal areas of their brain are a little bit, it comes more easily to them. And that like enhances that cultural stereotype of women being more like emotionally expressive.

So it can go both ways. But I do think that resisting that urge, which is what she's looking to do to be like, I feel emotions, I need someone who's there. I need someone. I need to text. I need to call. I need to reach. I need to have a person that's on the receiving end of these emotions. And that comes from like our little baby child self that's like I feel threatened. I, you know, need help from somewhere. So I do think it's great that she's trying to break that cycle of like, I have strong emotions. I need human and be able to be like, I have strong emotions.

I can be alone with these emotions and I can tolerate that. So the intention that I wrote for her is this one wasn't exactly an intention. It was more like a mantra that she can maybe tell me. herself in that moment is acknowledging her feelings, I feel so alone, but I also know I'll be okay. And sometimes that feeling of loneliness just feels like I can't. I just can't. I can't. I can't be alone.

But she can. And she wants to be able to be alone. So and the other thing that I wrote down is something like, now I am alone with my feelings. But tomorrow or, you know, at nine o'clock or whatever it is, I will have my. partner to share them with. So just like creating that sense of like a temporariness to the feeling. Like right now I'm alone, but not allowing your mind to play that out going forward that it's going to be forever. And that's what our bodies and our minds do, especially if we've experienced some kind of, you know, interpersonal trauma with someone that we love is there's this idea of like,

if I'm alone, it might be forever. In the past, maybe this is. In the past, maybe this is. last a week or maybe this did last a month or maybe someone did never come back. And so the second you have that feeling, you go to that place of like, what if this never ends? But it will end. It will end. Let's do some triggers. Yeah. Ready? Over the weekend, I went on a bar crawl for a friend of a friend's birthday party with my roommate. By the end of the bar crawl, she had headed off with the guy and I was chatting with his friend. After a while, I decided I was hungry and tired, so I decided to get pizza and go home. I had half my pizza and specifically saved the other half to eat for breakfast and my

hungover days the next morning. I was getting ready to go to bed and my roommate came home with the guy who she had hit it off with and also the guy I had been talking to. All the bars were closed and they needed a place to keep hanging out. I was tired so I went to bed instead of hanging out with them. When I woke up the next morning, I was so excited to eat my leftover pizza. I went to check the fridge and there was no pizza. I asked my roommate if she knew what happened to it, and she said the guy I was talking to ate it.

She said she tried to stop him, but he wouldn't stop and said he would Venmo me. I was coming from eight children, I feel like this is like just another. No, I'm like, this is just like another Saturday night. Oh, yeah. Nothing is yours. No, ever. Pizza on the table is gone. I was shocked and hungry that this guy.

I was shocked and hungry that this guy I had met once ate my food without permission and that I would have to spend money to have food delivered to me as I didn't have any other food to eat. I texted him to call him out for eating my pizza and he was unapologetic. He kept joking that my roommate forced him to eat it and he didn't even want to. And instead of apologizing and offered a pay for my food, he kept trying to ask me out on a date to make it up to me. He did eventually apologize, Venmo me for my morning door dash, but the whole thing really

triggered me, just realizing that the food I had been looking forward to was gone, realizing a random guy ate it, having to spend money on delivery, something I try to avoid, and then having to communicate how rude this whole situation was to this guy really put a dent in my day. Once I got my food and my Venmo, I did calm down, but I spent a good portion of my morning irritated. I know I'm probably overreacted, but I'm curious how triggered you guys would be. signed possessive of my food batch. Wow. This is very funny. Are we sure? Is she sure she wasn't so irritated about the food and not just like irritated by like her hangover from her headache or something

like that? Right, right, right. To me, there might be other things that maybe went into an overreaction to this thing. I could see why she's kind of like, this guy thinks he's like being like flirty, but he's actually like really annoying me. Right. Yeah. I mean, that being said, I don't want to like minimize her finances or anything, but how much could a slice of pizza truly cost? Right. I get it's annoying. I think it was just kind of like everyone like thinking it's like funny and you're just like actually irritated.

It makes something more irritated. Yes. Yes. It's kind of like when you used to get upset when you were a little baby about something and cry and I would just like laugh and look pictures. Right. As we've discussed. Always fun.

Yeah. And this guy's like, it's funny because she's also, this is clearly not that interested in him. So now she not only has to like turn him down and get her money. Right. Yeah. If she liked him, this would be like a good move, like a good kind of way to get him to, you know, make it up to her and take her out for some food. I get the point. The point was I think she ordered an entire pizza with the idea of like half now, half in the morning.

I'm going to be set for my hangover. I have a whole plan. Planned it out. Right. She was like, there was some forethought. She was probably uncomfortable, hungover and really irritated because she had to wait 45 minutes for her door dash when she thought she was just going to, you know, heat a slice of pizza. I get it. However, I still give this a two.

I think when you have food and drunk people, you have to assume it's going to be gone. I agree. I think she's being a little petty. I wouldn't have asked the guy for the, even I think even the fact that she texted him asking him to memo her is a little petty. I think that like he probably thought there's no way she would do that unless she wanted to go out with him.

Right. In the first place, like otherwise she probably wouldn't think it was worth it. Right. He might have almost thought like, oh, this is kind of like my version of like leaving my scarf at a girl's house. Like maybe I'll like eat her pizza and then she'll text me and then we'll have like a flirty band.

I'm saying, yeah. Yeah. I would give it, I would give it a three just because, like, I know the feeling of like, when you're really excited to just like have something super accessible, you feel like you've done everything right. Mm-hmm. You've planned it out. Like, the plan in your head was so perfect.

Yeah. And then it's just not there. I had that experience yesterday. I'm obsessed with Topo Chico when you come to visit. I'm sure I like. Yes. So. Yeah.

Yes. I love it. And sometimes I will drink half a bottle. And I, like, intentionally leave the other half because I know I'm, going to go for a walk or whatever and I'm going to come back and I'm going to have my other half of my Topo Chico and then somebody's like, oh, somebody left this topo chico here. I'm just going to finish it. And it's very irritating when you're looking forward to having something and it's gone. So I get it. But does anyone in your house label their food?

Not yet, but I could see us getting there at some point. But yeah, I think also because I'm so used to this type of thing that that's oh yeah our house that was like you said unless you got like a lock security box on it's up for grabs that's it there was like zero expectation even of anything all right let's do another one all right hi and dr naomi and jordanna i have a triggered situation with my mother-in-law my husband and i are building our dream home six bedrooms four and a half baths we have worked so hard to finally be able to do this after 11 years together and are so proud We told my mother-in-law about it, and the only thing she said was, I really think you should have a shower in the basement, not just a half bath.

She has continued to express her opinion on this every time we talk about the house, never once saying congratulations on the new home. I am ready to lose it on her. How triggered should I be? Thank you. You know, this might be a unpopular opinion, and maybe because I'm getting old. I feel like this mother-in-law is like, I'm going to be living in the basement one day and I might want to take a shower.

Honestly, that was my initial thought. Like, she is looking out for her living situation or maybe she won't think she's going to be visiting and like she should be staying there. So she's, I agree, it's a little annoying and like self-centered for her. Right. That's the one thing she keeps saying. Like, where's that? I really think you need a full bath full bath down there.

She clearly has her eye on like carving out a spot for herself. It's kind of annoying. But I agree it's maybe if she felt like you were excited to have her. She was relaxed with that a little bit. I don't know. Totally. And I do, I mean, I don't know. This is a question.

I wish we could ask her. But like if you have six bedrooms, I'm assuming one of them would be like a guest room, you know, where you could say like, oh, like, mother-in-law, you're, that you could stay here when you come visit us. But if that's not happening, like, I could see. If there's like a guest room that like you've told her, like one of these rooms is going to be a guest room, then I could kind of see that that's extra annoying because that's just like medley and like weird and like, why are you keep. bringing that up. Right. But why would she even care if there was a shower in the basement bathroom? Right. Right. Right. But I do think that I don't know. I don't know that should be an expectation, but I do think if you're building a large house and your mother-in-law is like in the vicinity and she doesn't live right near you, that it would be a nice gesture to be like,

oh, hey, we're going to have a guest room. And like, we'd love it when you come visit. If you could stay here. So I don't know what's happening on that end. But if there's no, welcoming vibe, then she might just be trying to, like, input this thing to hint at, like, I don't know what the dynamic is. Maybe, like, inviting her to stay or maybe she is afraid of, like, when I get older, maybe I'll need to, like, live with somebody or I don't know what her existential stuff is that the mother-in-law is going through. I think the triggering part, and I can validate this piece, is that, like, they're so excited,

they're so proud that they're able to, like, build this beautiful house together. and it seems like there's no positivity behind it at all. And it's just like, I've had that experience too, which is very annoying where there's like something really great. And then the person comes back with just like the one negative thing. Right. They can point out. Which that could be her personality.

And if it is, I think that's annoying. I would try to get to the, I would next time she'd mention something about it, I'd be like, why do you think we should have a full bathroom down there? What are your dreams for the basement? What do you envision happening down there? Like what I'm just asking why she thinks like, Why does she think that's like a good idea? Yeah.

I would definitely be introspective about how welcoming you perhaps have been about her coming to stay. And I think it's only normal. If you're on the other side, when your kids are like building a brand new house to have a thought, I get it. It's kind of selfish and it should just ideally be like, I'm so happy for you. This looks amazing. And I do think there should be some of that. but I think it's very normal for a mother to think like, oh, I wonder where I would stay when I come to visit. Like I think that's like when I go to your house, the first thing I'm going to think about is like, where am I going to stay when I come visit?

That's the first thing I'm going to be thinking about when I move in. So don't worry. Yeah. Have it ready for you. There's a full bath in the business. Yes. I'm just going to. Yeah.

So I get it. Everyone's a little narcissistic. Like you want to know how comfortable you're going to be. Yeah. But yeah. What do you give this? I'd give this. I'd give this a three also.

Yeah, I think I'd give it a four. I think I might give it a four just if there was no positive comments other than like pointing out this one thing. I could see why it's triggering. If there was like, oh my gosh, I'm so happy for you guys. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But my opinion is I think it would be nice to have a full back. Even if the mother-in-law was up front, which is like almost just coming off this passive aggressive issue, was just like, I would love to stay down there sometimes when I come visit you.

Yeah, maybe she doesn't feel like she can say that. So she's just kind of hoping that if she hints enough. Yes. Yeah. It made me like a little sad almost when I heard this at first. I was like she's so desperate that she just wants to take a shower in the basement. Aw. All right.

Give her a four. Tell her she's invited over. Maybe she's not invited over. Who knows? I really wish I could hear a little bit more about the dynamic with the mother-in-law and the whole situation. So if you want to give us an addendum, please write in. We'd be happy to hear it.

Yes, we'll read it on the next episode. That's our time. Great work today. Oversharing is produced by Sean Kilby, Jorge Morales-Picot, and Rebecca Sousel McHan. Editing by Basilio Perez. Yes, booking by Alley Friedlander. Send your advice emails to oversharing at betches.com or leave us a voicemail at 646363-6294. Betches.